Three Bean Salad - Urban Legends

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

The beans have to get to grips with urban legends this week thanks to Tabby from Edinburgh. But before that Henry tells an anecdote so long that it begins to develop its own atmosphere and gravity. Finally they get stuck into urban legends and it gets scatalogical IMMEDIATELY for which Tabby surely has to take some of the blame. In fact large chunks of the episode are pretty unpalatable so please don’t listen to it anywhere near an impressionable child or unripe AI.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladLive-stream tickets for our live shows at London Podcast Festival:16th September: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-streaming-three-bean-salad-16-09/17th September: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-streaming-three-bean-salad-17-09/Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Did you guys get anything? It looked a bit like this recently. Oh wow. A beautifully decorated envelope from California. No way. Yeah, we've had some artwork sent to us by Kelly Vivango. Mike explain who Kelly Vavenko is. Kelly Vavenko is an outstanding artist based in California.

She does these amazing drawings that she does live when she listens to the episodes and then posts the Twitter. They're amazing. Absolutely amazing. They really get a very, really get mail of that kind. Mm. You know, they're very, really get mail. These days, a bit of any kind. This sounds like like a shameless call out to the listener,

starts at the new treats. I think it might work, and I think you might be horrified by what comes your way. Oh, God, no, it's not about another dead lamb. Please stop it with the dead lamb. Why? A freezer is full. And you'd need no dead lamb.

Thank you. Still, not sure how we're going to bury your cramates or discharge into the sea, the current dead lambs. No more dead lambs. You know what, Mike? You said about not receiving post that much anymore. Yeah. And it's true that we don't do it.

We don't send letters. There we are. It's a lot, I'd say Henry. It's a lost art. It is, isn't it? It's one of the many, many lost arts, along with... Well, the art of the conversation is your underscore. The art of the conversation is your underscore. The art of the conversation as I just demonstrated.

Erotic ice sculpture. Isn't it? Dr. Peary, Wattlandorb gazebos. Yeah. It is one of the last dance because it's the smell of paper, isn't it? It's the smell of the feel, the feeling of a, of ink.

Splatters all over your fingers and face. And holding up a piece of paper to the light and seeing the watermark and wondering, why, why, what is that? Why, what, what, what does that, what is that for? What have I done? Why? But yesterday, I can tell you what, I can tell you, and give you an example of how out of touch we are now

as a culture with letter writing and using post, because yesterday I had to send a card, a simple card, thank you, card. To a straightforward niece. Okay, birthday. For her, one of the mill birthday. Not like a landmark birthday. Not six, literally.

At that age, every birthday. There you're right, six is huge. Six is massive, six is bigger than 40, I would say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're over halfway to double digits, right? Which is the big one, because 10 is obviously absolutely massive. So 6 is, yeah, you've passed the hint. I think 6 is bigger than 10.

I'm sorry, I think 6 is right after the hint. Yeah, car, car. 6 is one of the big ones, it's fucking massive. Yeah. Because it's the first number that's both a prime and visible by, and even, isn't it? I mean, it's a lot of different things. It's a, are you beginning to panic that you might have sent a slightly workman like card?

On her first Fibonacci birthday. I know that's wrong, don't bother me. I don't know what it is. You have no understand the bollocking because it's a waste of time. No, exactly. We'd all be bollocked in the dark. And bollocking should shed light. On the cave wall.

Great spring steam song isn't bollock dark So good card then well, well, here's the thing Did I have a badge on it? We'll get to the card. We'll get to the card in good time I think you're hoping we're gonna forget the card. No, well that that we'll see this is it all of this ties in right everything ties together. Okay now Sending a card is one of those things. I think because it's an old technology, it's something which, something to which the word

technology is never been applied, keep going. Well, exactly, it's that old, it's that old technology. Yeah. That, it's one of the things that you think is going to be straightforward and actually it's really hard, really, really hard to send the card. And I'd forgotten how hard it was until yesterday. I thought straightforward, card greeting, envelope stamp, address, box, deliver, done. Already that actually sounds quite a lot of steps, isn't it? There's a lot of steps in sending a card and it's one of those things where there's a lot of quite basic steps. Yes, there's a lot of basic steps, but you string

them together. I mean, Mike, you've got one basic task. You've got no, you've got exponential complications, mate. Think about it, the chessboard, they're all simple moves, aren't they? forward, rook move sideways, horse. Horse does a sort of gammy, a gammy front, a gammy dressage, a gammy dressage, to the left or right. Castles can move backwards and forwards infinitely. The queens go bananas. The king's doing math.

So the rules are incredibly simple, aren't they? Forward, left, right. The castle can rotate as much as it wants, or it's fine. I mean... Which a big move when someone sits there rotating it, isn't it? It's more psychological than anything, but... Eventually drilling down into the board itself and opening up the underboard. That's what he's doing. It's like a 40-chest.

I don't know, he's undermining me. He's pouring from behind. They were digging a tunnel underneath that fence. It's a pinch,ined me. He's pawns are coming up from behind. They were digging a tunnel underneath that. It's a pinch of movement. I know the pawns have existed the game and now it's starting to affect my actual life. But the point I'm making is straightforward rules. But, you know, pawn forwards, rook left, bishop side, bishop diagonal,

Ponds can become a queen if they hit the other end of the board, a castle and a king can swap places, but not fully, if there's nothing in between them, if they're on the rear wall. Not to mention the rule of on-passant, which nobody understands. What is on person? It's a little creepy little move you can do with your pawn, but nobody understands it. In my experience. Is that when the pawn gets to the other end and it turns into a checkers pack or something? No, no, no.

On person is when the pawns going past another pawn, somehow it can go diagonally behind it and the pawn disappears. What? Wow, I've never had that one. Welcome to chess 2.0. But it is a thing, it's an absolute thing. And the other one, of course, if both of your castles get to the other end of the board into the corner squares, you can open a gift shop. So yeah, they're not a national trust shop.

Open to next to it. That's right. Yeah. And that does, yeah, it does rubbers, well, mainly rubbers, isn't it? But all themed to condoms. It's condoms and wooden swords. Yeah, just condoms, I mean, the national trash has got a lot more cool now than it used to be better. You get down, get down to one of their theorems now. It's mainly just condoms. I don't use to be better. You should get down to one of their tea rooms, that's mainly just condoms. I had a cake in one recently,

but fell on the couch chair on a condom, bloody hell. Well, it was sort of slightly wet in the rubbery and you couldn't digest it. It was heavily sperm-sidele, yeah. It was heavily sperm-sidele, yeah. But it's weird, didn't ask how they would get the lemon drizzled cake so moist, just don't ask.

Because the answer you'll get is, it's a burm cider jelly every time. And they put it in the mix, the beginning, and they also, they put it in the frosting as well. So you can't go away with it. You don't stir it too much though, otherwise you lose all the air out of it, and you want it to keep it bubbly and light. Exactly, yeah. Little tip. Yeah, yeah, little tip.

Yeah, so anyway, straight forward steps can need to complicate a game because chess, as we know, after three moves, you board, you board, and you remember that actually, you know what, red dwarf, it was actually kind of good moments. I'm going to watch red dwarf, I'm going to watch red dwarf, I'm going to watch red dwarf one more time. It's all an eye play, I'm going to go out. It's all an eye play now, I'm going to watch Red Dwarf. I'm going to watch Red Dwarf. I'm going to watch Red Dwarf. It's all an eye play. I'm going to watch all of Red Dwarf from beginning again. I watched the first episode of Red Dwarf only last week for this very reason, not because

I was playing chess, but because I knew it was there. Yeah. Well, I've actually been falling into a bit of a Red Dwarf sort of, well, I didn't realize I could put it back out. Yeah, it's all up there and I've been, I've been rewatching it. I find it very comforting, weirdly. It was a 90 staple, right? Yeah.

Well, the weird thing about it is it's been, no one's been known about it, but it's been going on ever since. It's still going. They're very much banging out a series of years. It's like, it's never gone away. It's incredible. It's just this like, just with zero cultural impact.

Zero impact, but it's still there. Anyway, so it's straightforward straightforward rules. EGS can lead to a complicated experience. For example, in chess, I once heard after seven moves or something, there's more possibilities than chessboard than there are atoms in the universe. It's got to be that is got to be that atoms, stars or sand has nits. Yeah, yeah, that's what you've got to reach for. Yeah. But it almost really isn't. But it doesn't sound as good as it is if you say goats in continental Africa.

I think that sounds quite good, actually. After three moves, there's more possibilities in the chessboard than potential nights out in London. Wow. I don't think Henry would ever believe that a chessboard, then potential nights out in London. Wow. I don't think I do think Henry would ever believe that a finite number could be put on that. No one's ever. The other one thinks often invoked, isn't it, for scale of stuff is Wales, isn't it? There's more. After seven moves, there's more possibilities than the size of Wales. Yeah. It's whales and citrus fruits, in terms of volume. Then there are lemons in whales.

Which is anyone, which is generally around 9. Bit of a custer whale, is that saying it's a non-sitress country? Yeah, I was just going to let it go. I'll sort of get you back in a way you won't realise. I thought you were talking about the secreture. Where every whale comes with 9 lemons is it? But I'll sort of get you back in a way you won't realize what you're talking about the sea creature. Um, where every whale comes with nine lemons. Right. It's not tasting.

It's the actual, I thought it was a terrible one. Come down on how many lemons we're throwing into the sea. Oh, it's but of course they can't dissolve kind of net lemons. They can completely non non-bidegradable. Look at the, the, the, the waxy, think about the waxy plasticky skin on lemons.

They're just stuck in the wiles and it's tragic. Yeah. Have you ever seen a whale straining to shit out lemons? Horrible. Come and out with blowhole. I know they don't shit out their blowhole. Now, the point I'm making is simple move complex game. Yeah, we've got the point.

Chess, a fellow, and I'm gonna say, people making love. No. Sorry. No one's really laughing. I'm afraid. Okay, so that's one where even that, for example, that's one where we say,

also making love for me simple steps, simple experience. Okay. Narashin and and fulfilling, straightforward. Like eating a raw carrot. LAUGHTER Do you want to have this? No thanks. LAUGHTER Do you want to peel it? No thanks. Do you want to wash it? No. LAUGHTER

Are you finding this experience a bit too crunchy? No, fine. LAUGHTER Why are there green a bit too crunchy. No, it's fine. Why are there green strands coming off it? Don't worry. I think I can remember why I normally boil this, Ben. So I suppose as they say, the uglier ones are better for you. Is that the thinking behind this? I tell you what if we're still in the EU there's no way you'd be in a good way with a carrot like this.

Who imagined Nigel Farage doing this? I already was. That's how I um stop myself from finishing the carrot too fast. Oh, oh. Really for me as the opposite effect. What you wanna buy? I don't know. I don't know. Good stuff. Anyway, so I thought I'd buy a birthday card. Right, from an easy, be simple, straightforward. Okay, so I pop out.

As we've discussed already, I'm now using the Santander bikes. They're quick, they're fast, they're efficient, they're easy, and they're good value. Last week I left one outside my parents' house for two hours, and got nicked, I'm going to kick charge 300 quid. But apart from that, you know, that's teething trouble. The fact is I'm on Santa Day bikes and taking them around town, I'm living my best London life, right?

What's your going to cost? 300 pounds a week? What's that? Well, it went if I lose one a week. Yeah, 300 pounds a week. I mean, 12,000 a month. Yeah, 14 grand a year. That's nothing.

Yeah. The rate of inflation these days isn't even worth it anyway. So it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean you're worth anything pretty soon. So I pop out, I think, I think, right, I'm working. I've got a lot of work on it. Right? Got dead, yeah, got deadlines, but also, you know,

put matters to me, send a birthday card to me. Nice make a nice, it's important. It's a day before as well, so I've let it, I've cutting it fine, but the postal service was works first class, I guess, the next day, yeah, straight forward. It has recently been in the news how rarely that actually happens. But yeah, but throw the dice. If you didn't throw the dice, you can't play the game, so I was going to throw the dice. Now, I think to myself, pop dice, you can't play the game. So I was gonna throw the dice now. I Think to myself pop out got a lot on but just pop out how can I be? To Send someone a card and can't be can't be that hard. So I pop out I got a Santander bike Put put what I put into my phone WH myth

Right, I find the new WH myth to me retro choice Well, I thought actually I just forgot where do you get a card? Because it's another one of these things buying a card. It's sending a card. It's one of these things where it feels straightforward, but then it's hitting up against the problems. It's like, I can't remember where do you get cards. I mean, where do you get cards? Exactly. Well, you don't know, do you? I like John Lewis cards. Okay, well, John Lewis is a long way. Anyway, I start, I find myself to predict your first problem.

Okay, yeah. You reach the W. Smiths, all the cards say something like, have some Prosecco on your birthday, your fat slag. Because cards in general have become far too mired in the kind of slightly ironic boo-soaked kind of. Enjoy the cake, although you'll probably shit yourself after eating it, won't you? You're all bastard. She put all bastard.

I would love to know actually from principally American to this, and I know we've got a few. Is this a British, a good point? The emotional assault card. Yeah, because that can't exist in America. I can't imagine an American person buying a card that says, they wouldn't understand it. They wouldn't understand it. And the way over the hill.

Americans just find it incredible when a British person is just a tiny bit self-effacing, they can't get the heads around that. If you say so, so, so, you know, tell me about yourself and you go, well, I just do a bit of this. And that, what are you talking about? You're the king, you're the best, you're the master, you're the... You know what I mean? I don't know. I mean, I've had experiences, a small number of experiences, like work experiences where I've had Zoom meetings with American executives. Exactly, yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. And if you're a tiny bit self-effacing, you can see them going, oh, yeah, oh he's not

very good at that, I can take on face value. Yeah, because in Britain we go, oh well, you know, silly old me, I've made a thing. And that's that's Sonormon Foster announcing, you know, he's built a new, a bridge, finally built a bridge from Scotland to Lanzend. He's done it. And it's like, oh well, I've kind of made a little bit of a thing, haven't I? But that's how we talk about our achievements, isn't it? Yes.

So if an American asks you about a project, you'll say, yeah, you know, it's okay. You know, well, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was quite happy with it. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that'll be thinking, why is he only quite happy with it? There must be something wrong. Why is he described his scripts that he's trying to sell us as shit? What's going on? Why has he written, I loathed myself in lipstick on his forehead? So, well, that's your Ben, you're not wrong, but I had some problems before that, which

was, I was in the city, I was in the city of London, so I was in the financial district. Which is one of the places where you think you find everything, but actually it doesn't have that many practical things, the city. It's like, you can invest in a country or whatever, you can make sort of global financial decisions and impact, but actually, but can you pop out and get yourself a Twix or whatever? Not so much. So, not unless it's made out of pure cocaine. Maybe. Yeah, but is that a surprise though? I think people are spending a day

laundering cartel cash. They're not popping out for a trick, so they saw someone else is doing that for them. Yeah, yeah, and I should have realized that. Oh, by the way, I also, just a little another little detail I forgot. I should have, there was a bad omen, which happened, which was, I, well, to start with, when I got my Santander bike, whatever it is, what people do is, you test out for

a good one and say, what am I, do you feel it? It's a bit like buying fruit. So you, you go up and down the row, because you're right, you're squishing, I'm squishing them, you feel the legs, not the legs, that's a horse centering, or a panda horse fruit, of course. That's when the rider hasn't got off yet. Can you let me do it? Still on the bike. He's tested to see how toned the former rider is. Yeah, do they have a good musculature?

Do you want to be seen to share a bike with that kind of person? So you test out the wheels, you test out the brakes and you just feel it. And basically there was one that was the perfect bike and it wouldn't let me take it out. So that was bad. I had to take a slightly gammy one, which has slightly faster tyres. And as I cycled off, the other thing which happened was suddenly the weather changed. It went from quite warm to chill, gray and within a few pedals I was getting rained on. So I had that slight feeling of doom, do you ever get that?

This is a doomed mission. This is going to be a cluster doom. The bike had a problem hiring the bike, the weather's changed. I'm trying to pop out for 20 minutes, but things are starting to succignal. There's a tornado of doom coming. So I had that sort of, that was in the back of my mind. So I found myself, I found this WHMith, it was in the city city and I got to it and it took me quite a while to find it. The city is very labyrinthine. Google map doesn't work well in the city for some reason. There's a lot of... It's because the moral compass is pointing the wrong way. Excellent. Yeah, excellent. But there's a lot of things like,

Leatherman's, livery, there's a lot of old trade, Guild halls, there's just guilds, there's like, there's a guilds, there's a lot of guild building, there's a lot of things like Tana Manzali, you'll find yourself in little roads. It's really hard to keep track of these little wine, oh, there's a lot of things like street. And there's signs for things like the excellent company

of the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a lot of that. There's the Roman, there's there's a bit of Roman wall. And at the same time, there's these like futuristic, like glass and steel, like, you know, absolutely, almost like the abstract buildings that just seem to exist in this, is a lot going on. And I'm pulsing in the shape of Masonic symbols. All of the simple symbols. There's a lot of buildings being built.

There's stuff going up. There's cranes, there's activity, there's life. But at the same time, there's no difference. I can't find the LRH myth, I'm struggling. How do you actually buy yourself, how do you buy yourself a greeting card in this world? Is there space in this world for greetings? Is there space for nieces? Is there, you know, there's a lot here. I'm going through the veins of this town. This town's been around for a long time. Yeah. There's ancient Roman wall, there's futuristic banks.

Who's, who's town is this? These are the questions that are going on in my mind. Yeah. Who's town is this? These are the questions that go in my mind. Who does London actually belong to? Am I part of it? In what am I? I feel like I'm a little red blood cell, passing through its veins. That's why I feel. I'm a little Red Santander bike, global investment, secure future, bringing businesses and families together. Also, there's prets fucking everywhere. Like so many prets.

Calling to you. We were sorry. They start, they're starting to freak me out the prets because I've, as we discussed, I'm now subscribing to prets. But the amount of prets, it's like, there are prets being built, there's prets going up, there's prets everywhere. It's a bit, it was a bit like, you know, you know, I'm don't look now.

The film don't look now, I've seen it. Yeah. Were you being followed by a pret and a red coat? Everywhere I turn, there's another red, pret star, sharp, clean lines of the pretz star. Anyway, I found the W H Schmiff. I walked in. I thought, I walked in with hope. This is fine. I can do this. The day has felt a bit doomy. There's been the sand tundere. There's been the weather. There's been the amount of prets.

I walk in. I think this is going to be fine. I look around me. I'm in literally the small. I'm not exaggerating. The smallest WHM if I've ever seen. I mean, it's unbelievable how small this was. I mean, I've just letting that sink in, yeah. I'm finding it fairly hard to... I mean, well, like a phone box. It was almost like a pair of trunks. It was sort of like just being carried in the palm of someone's hand. It was such a small, again, I thought this is more doom, the doom, you know that feeling of doom, doom, doom, doom, momentum, doom, momentum.

Yeah, sure. Mementadume, momentum, momentum. The steadily increasing sense of dread. Yeah, you know, you know, like when you're having one of those days with everything, it just starts to, to, Memendodum. It's a steadily increasing sense of dread. Yeah, you know, you know, when you're having one of those days where everything it just starts to snowball. I said to the woman, I said to the woman, I said to the woman, it's the woman, it's the Smith of all time. And she actually laughed, she took it quite well.

She said, what do you need? I said greetings cards. I didn't think they'd have them, but she pointed to an area bottom right of the till, practically on the floor. And Ben, it was exactly what you said. They had about, well, they had about 12 inches of shelf space for cards. And it was all, as you say, Ben, it was exactly, you old bastard. You never expressed yourself to me growing up.

So why the fuck have I got to do this to do you can deserve this card. It's got a picture of mirror on the front. It says, get a good look at yourself, you get. Pist up, flat, and get. That's what you see here. I'm Thursday. It was all that kind of thing.

So I guess also in the city of London most people receiving or sending a greeting card is an overworks You know middle aged yeah, balding man. Yeah, I might hear mate. Come on Anyway, okay, so I think it back on the bike I don't have to hire a new bike because now that I don't know that I know that my bike's getting nicked Anyway, okay, so I think it back on the bike. I don't have to hire a new bike because now that I know that my bike's getting nicked, if you don't dock them, I had to go and get another bike. I un-doctor another bike.

I then cycle towards the West End. So I'm now going from sort of, yes, from like financial district, the city, where money's quite abstract, and we're talking in like huge quantities, we're talking the future, we're talking shares and gilts and into into the more of the teaming the West end. So trade people. Yeah Stuff you can actually stuff things you can pick up things you can pick up and hold like a ticket to Phantom of the opera. You mean stuff actual stuff

real yeah London yeah union jack t-shirts and and Yeah, London, yeah, Union Jack T shirts. And I got to, yeah, so many. I got I found a water stones. And then there's a sorry, sorry. It's quite a few stages of this story. Sorry. Presumably there's a terrific payoff though. Oh, yeah, I'll just do you wait.

Now I'll wrap up. I then went to where I knew there was a bit of Peter Jackson Trilogy. I know. Yeah, yeah, I'll just do you wait. Now, I'll wrap it up. I then went to where I knew there was a bit of... This has got kind of Peter Jackson Trilogy written on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we're kind of just at the end of film one in the way there. But everything is set up. It's so perfectly set up. There's as you're going to get the card.

Perfectly set up. So, I then cycle to... I then cycle to another bank... To another bank where I know there's double-witch, there's just a near-chanceurly so. So I then cycle to another bank, to another, where I know there's double pictures, near Chance 3 Lane. So we're on the cusp in a way between the city and the west end. Well, we have passed the dragons threshold, the city, you know, the city is guarded by statues of dragons. So when you pass into the city London, the dragon statue, if I pass out to the dragon threshold, over the dragonirt, I passed out to the Dragon's Dirt, over the Dragon's Dirt, I pull up.

Okay, and then this is what I do, right. When there's a doom logic, because I had a doom logic, there was reign and sweat on me. I was supposed to be popping out for 20 minutes to sort this out. I was already 25 minutes deep into this mission. No clothes to achieving it.

I did this kind of crazy thing where I just threw the dice, I was like, I'm pretty sure there's a big WH Smith up there. You know what, I'm gonna dock my sand tander, just dock it and trust that the WH Smith is there. It was almost asking, I think the trouble is, when you're in a doom logic, on a day you start taking risks that actually can accelerate the doom.

Docks the sand tander. Sometimes people do clear their throat sounds out of sheer attention, don't they? Yeah. Can I say Henry, not wanting to make the story longer? Double-late Smith is such a weird choice of place to look for because it's... Was that about... Why'd you tell Britain's most ailing business? It's so ailing. When you go in them, they've got this real sense of running down, often like 80s carpet, everything's for some reason really.

It doesn't know what it is, WHMith. It's trying to, and for years, they try to keep themselves going by simply offering you bigger and bigger amounts of chocolate for less and less money with, or like, you'd go into, you'd go into bison tic tacs and they'd say, would you like a copy of the Sunday Telegraph with that? Just do like really weird. A three hour square of Canberra's caramel. Would you like a copy of the Sunday Telegraph with that? I guess. Just do like really weird, high, square of Canberra's caramel. Would you?

Yeah. And do you want Nigel Manson's Laws of Origography? I don't. They've got really old books, ever so far. 50 years, just to say. The cards also, the cards, the chances of you getting a card that doesn't already have a pre-written greeting in it as well, are almost zero. Never mind what's the offensive remarks on the front.

Yeah, I know. It was about... I didn't know what to do, right? It's going to be specifically for a sort of 47-thousand wedding anniversary, isn't it? Yeah. Well, I was... Okay, I was still hopeful that I could sort this out. Anyway, I docked my santa and there, Cchunk, Docs, I walk towards the W.A. Smith. There's the boots. I remember the boots. There's Cchunk, Docs. I walk towards the WS Smith. There's the boots, I remember the boots. There's the Mini Sainsbeats. I remember the Mini Sainsbeats. It's the boots, it's the Mini Sainsbeats.

It's a WS Smith, it's an empty lot, it's vacant, it's closed down. It's the business model doesn't work anymore. It's like, Woolworth's or R price, it's over move on, it had gone, right? As you say, it had gone. You were essentially trying to buy a greetings card from the past.

It was just an empty space, an empty vacant space with a copy of Nigel Mantel's autobiography, just one sitting in the middle of it. And a ringing phone next to it. And to trust up like a turkey and hanging from the ceiling upside down the unmistakable moustache of Mansoul himself. I have a hell of a runes off into this pickle. Well, who knows, find out next week. Damon Hills done it again. The old game of cat and mouse that those two have been in there for 25 years. It was never about the poor-added fastest car.

It was much deeper than that with Mansell and Hill. Much deeper. They'll still be fighting in Valhalla itself. So, um, Oh, the WSW closed down. Fine. You know what? I'm in London. There's options. I mean, I'm in the West End now. Yeah, there's got... There's a mini thing. This is what's weird about the story. And you're surrounded by... I know, that's a thing. ... now, yeah, there's got, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing,

there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing,

there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, there's a mini thing, she's in six, it'll be fine. I mean, last resort, I'll get her a good luck

with your latest batch of hemorrhoids, you're disgusting, I'll fuck. I don't know, just doctor it. I'll fuck to the card. But that's the thing, you're also a professional illustrator. Did it not occur to you at any point just to make your own cards? With a piece of cards.

You must have, you know, how many pieces of cards. I've also made a decision at a point, which has quite been spirited with me actually, to not make people homemade greeting cards, because where's it gonna stop, Mike? Where were the ends? Good to mean. I made a decision early, go with that,

which maybe was mean spirited with me. Anyway, I do do a little pick on the inside. So anyway, sayings for ease. Many sayings for ease. Fine, many sayingsingsaries, I walk up the many sayingsaries, you know what, sometimes you're actually better off in places like Extern Cardiff, because sometimes being at the very cutting edge of the future, it's actually, for all the sense and purposes of 2024 in London, it is, I'm sorry, it just is, yeah. I go to the Sainsbury's, oh that's weird, this Sainsbury's has kind of electric barriers to going on out, oh that's weird, there's no staff in this Sainsbury's, there's a tide

looking woman standing just next to the electric barriers. It's a future Sainsbury's. Was it Sainsbury's HQ HQ the office? Well, I'm coming onto that in a minute. That's the next chapter mate. I can't do that in the area. Well, no, wait, no, wait. So anyway, this was basically a futuristic thing where you walk in. You don't pay for anything with your hands. Is this story, end with you having a duel in Saint squeeze HQ with the sea?

It was a futuristic thing. with your hands. This is the story, Andrew, that you're having a duel in Sainsbury's HQ with the CEO. Have you ever seen, they've got some Amazon shops that they've got fused these in London now. You don't pay anything, you walk in, you pick up some stuff, you walk out and it gets charged, I don't know. It's the microchip in your spine. It gets charged to the mic. Yeah, exactly. So, air can't be asked with that. You can chip in your spike. It gets charged to my... Yeah, exactly.

So air can't be asked with that. B, I could see, it's not gonna have car dogs and that kind of one, because it's beta testing. It's just sort of simple veg. So I can't go there, right. I've docked my sand tanned air. Yeah? It's a hassle to undock another one. I'm now quite far away from anywhere.

I'm a long walk up to, I mean, I could walk to Hoban, take me 12 minutes. Right, I'm 35 minutes into my 20 minute lunch break here. Yeah, I'm just, probably only into act one out of this five-act anecdote as well. So, oh god. Right, why do I need a big Sainsbury's? I put Sainsbury's into my Google. Opposite! There's a big, I look up huge orange letters. There's a huge Sainsbury's. Yes. Across the road. I walk in. Why aren't there any tails? Why isn't there this smell of bread? Bakeries. Why aren't there any trolleys? Ben? It's Sainsbury's HQ. It's the headquarters of Sainsbury's. Another thing which can happen to you living in London.

Which is a... I mean a multinational simply will not have its HQ in Exeter. It won't happen. Yeah? So that will never happen to you, Mike. It must sit selling chemicals for dipping sheep into. In which case, it's a real number of companies. Baste them. Anyway, it's the headquarters of Samsung.

Now, I've been on your side of this equation because I want to work as a receptionist at headquarters of BNQ, which also isn't to be in queue. But that, we're going to that now. So, now I'm in a doom spiral. It's one of those days. Obviously, I look at my phone, the battery's now going down. I know you feel Mike. It was, it was, Mike's, it was Mike's really struggling.

Mike's really struggling with his hands there. I know, I know you feel it, Mike. You feel it very, very vividly when I tell one of these stories. Right. You're phones running out of battery. My phones got your wallet. There's a Sainsbury zero-only source of money. It runs out of, you've got to get a temp job at the age of few industries, hoping not paying cash. I can have to restructure their business so that they do sell cards in the mini ones. That's the best, honestly, my best bet for a solution to this right now, but from the starting point of a receptionist, I can promote yourself

to the strategy department. You're going to need an MBA at least at some point. I'm gonna have to have a sexy, a sexy idea to get things going, which is something like sausage rolls at the other way around. That's right. Pace tree roll. It's a, it's a, it's a bit slither of pastry in case sausage, in a sausage, yeah.

Something big. I'm gonna have to have something big and sexy and I take Something big. I'm gonna have to spend big and sexy and I take the risk, I'm gonna put a lot of, let's get you quickly promoted then. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. There was a moment of calm, a pace. I realized I'm trapped between a Sainsbury's

that is too small and literally the HQ of Sainsbury's. You know what? I'm just gonna have to do it, I don't know. Yeah, it's come to this. I am, I'm gonna have to take a bus to Hobern. Yeah, back to Hobern. What to say? Yeah, it's a great, it's a great, great thing.

You're thinking, it's almost a bit of a cliche, I know, it's overuse, isn't it? It did, it's your words. But also because I know the area quite well, you're already in Hobern. Well, yeah, but close to Hoban. Because you're an essential Hoban. You're in the outskirts of Hoban, and I don't have to go through it right into the

apps or beating heart of Hoban itself. Okay. So that's that. I'm talking Southampton Row. I'm talking Tesco Express, Predator Manger. Well, there's another saying that he's opposite the tube station. Another saying that he's opposite the tube station. Yeah. So I've got on the bus to Hoban. I mean, it's another saying that he's opposite the tube station. Another saying that he's opposite the tube station. Yeah.

So I've gotten the bus to Hoban. I mean, it's just, okay, I'm going, this is taking quite a long time now. And further away from the 18 or 19 or so, station as I can think of, off the door, my head on the side and cross road. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the thing is, at this point, I wasn't thinking straight. I knew I was in a doom spiral.

I was just going to have to work on instinct. I knew I couldn't think my way through this. I was gonna have to feel my way through it. I got to Hobern, Waterstones, brilliant. Hadn't thought of it. It came at me from their field, but there, bookshops. I went into Waterstones, find, I got a card, brilliant. It had a crab on the front, an octopus, fun card,

bright colors, sorted. Mm-hmm. Next problem, which happens when octopus, fun card, bright colours, sorted. Next problem, which happens when you buy a card, is why it's such a difficult thing to do, sending someone a card is not straightforward, I would argue, is put a stamp on it. Where do you get a stamp? No, we're in the UK sales stamps, stamps are no longer sold, stamps are found, or acquired in a great hands handbag. I didn't know where to buy, where do you buy stamps? or acquired in a great-hance handbag. Yeah. I didn't know where to buy, where'd you buy stamps?

I've got some stamps in my wallet. The post office, yeah. Well, okay, post offices are unworkably queued up in general, aren't they, they're not really workable, they're not really, they're not on London time. Maybe in Cardiff, you go, go down there, have a chat with the lady there, probably chat to some people.

Our post office entry is within a WH Smith. Bloody hell. Literally. That's extremely convenient, I like that. Which again, is within a small provincial style shopping centre? I think in some ways, the old ways are better, because I think London, I've got to say, it's pain to be saying this, is it a city fit for purpose, I would say better, because I think London, I've got to say, it's pain to be to say this, is it a city fit for burp, I was going to say today, because, well, put it this way.

Wait for part two after this story, because I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I I said, I said, I said, I said, cool. But I remember it's a doomed day. We haven't got any first class ones. I've got second class on the first class for it to get there the next day.

Fine, hang on, the answer to your question where did you buy stamps was the place you were in? Yeah, it turned out, they did sell stamps. I thought that was good news. I was surprised how convenient that was, but of course they didn't have first class stamps any of the second class needed first class for it to get there the next day.

At that point, I sort of admit defeat on the day, I'm 50 minutes into my lunch break, you know, in 25 minutes. I was essentially the days I write off. I Google post office, I said, I walked to a post office. Massive queue, obviously. I'm in the queue.

A post office employee comes up to me and says, would you, what are you here for? I said, I'm just buying stamps. He went, oh, we do sell them at the machines. Down there. I went, oh, okay, that sounds good. And he went, but do you want them in a book, Clutz? And I said, oh, okay, that sounds good. But do you want them in a book, Clots? And I said, well, yeah, I was just going to say, well, I'm afraid that from the machines,

they just come in a large sort of trash. He's got a trash of, like a big trash of stamps. What are you supposed to do with that? I mean, I'm- You needed one. I know, but I thought I've got to get a book here, so I could just stop this happening again in future. Right. Where you have to get a trosh, just floating around. Anyway, so get to the front of the queue, get my stamp. Okay, now, I've got the stamp. I've got the address, which is the way I never used to have, because I've been through these kind of issues before.

I've got the address saved in my phone. What I need to now, and I need to do is have, I'm gonna have lunch out, I wasn't the plan. I'm gonna go to a, I'm gonna go to a pret, I'm gonna have lunch out. I wasn't the plan. I'm gonna go to a I'm gonna go to a pret and have lunch And I'm gonna write the card Go to the pret get myself a chicken Korean chicken wrap. Fine Could definitely have swirve past that It's actually the ins that you know, you know, unless it is pivotal later on.

You know, you know, you know, and this is this is check-offs chicken panini. It's true that you never see James Bond or any detectives eating a chicken wrap, whereas most people eat a chicken wrap at some point in a day. It never, it never turns up in a story, is it? Um, I mean, we've all had chicken wraps. It's always in the first pass, assembly. I think you just get a set of the later ones. So anyway, open up the card.

The card is not quite what I was expecting. It's multi-layered. It's kind of, it's not like a cardio open. It's got different layers of seafood. So on the front, it's a seafood platter. It's a seafood platter. You open it up, it's a dress crab. It's a crayfish, it's a crayfish, medley. All the way down to the central cooked brim.

Which was swallowed a pound of happy birthday pie. You've got to send it quick. It's got to stay fresh this card because it's lethal very fast. You've got to send it quick, it's got to stay fresh this card because it's lethal very fast. So open it up, there's in your small, it's like a pop-up almost, there's different levels, you open it up, and you get the middle and there's a little square to write in. So normally I do a little picture, there isn't room for that, but fine, too late now, I'm not going back. I mean, I'm actually starting to think now, I need to, at the time, I think I need to wrap this up just because I'm probably going to tell this to people as an anecdote. And they're almost for their benefits.

I need to stop doing things. So, I just write Happy Birthday in funny lettering. I look at the front, the cards are happy birthday, so essentially the card in the front's happy birthday, open it up and an hour average happy birthday inside. I've not added to that thought, I've not I've not embellished it, fine, whatever. Lots of X's, love Henry. It's getting the card out that send is the main thing.

Close it up, put it in the envelope. The dress goes on fine, I'm back on our satan day, bike now. Oh, finding a post box, how do you find a post box? I mean, how do you find a post box? How do you find a post box? Well, the famously highly visible. Yeah, the highly visible. And ideally, well, the sort of everywhere is it's about any metropolitan area. Yeah. So the idea is you're just supposed to walk and you just come across one because

there's so many of them. Yeah. So not so. I think I probably should have done that, but I decided to Google Postbox. I'm a Google Maps. I found a Postbox. I cycle to it. And, you know, I'm now like an hour and a half into this experience. It's been a...

How's it? Amazing. At the day's been a writer. But finally, I've got the card. I go to the Postbox and in it goes, in that slot, you know, it's 2pm, this is gonna get the next day because last post, last collection, and I just double check it on the post box,

last collection, 9am. That is not a thing I've never seen that in my life. 9am. What a fast he's bad. Who's that for rats? Who's up at that time? It's just London's rats. Who's up? It goes in and as it could chunks into that metal box, that his old British wartime tech metal that cannot be penetrated in it goes, it's got a chunk, 9 AM, last collection. If you want to be open by extremely peculiar, sort of four foot long thin steel case, that's it.

Which I'd have to go back into the city to go to one of the old keyments. You'd have to swear at the keyments. You'd have to go to into the city to go to one of the old keyments. You'd have to swear at the keyments, you'd have to go to the Rigmarole of the... Yeah, the Duxon ceremony. But that point, actually, I wasn't that pissed off. I was like, you know what, I've done everything. The card is now guaranteed to not get there tomorrow after all this.

But if I can entertain just one person with this tale, it will have been worth it, so the jury's still out. Does he live in London? Yeah, I mean I could have cycled there and done it easily in about quarter of an hour, cycle to the actual rest. Now I come to think of it, but anyway whatever, I mean mean, it's just really, it's that sad ending. And an absolutely episode killing 45 minute long intro. Thank you, Henry. Okay, let's turn on the in by Tabby from Edinburgh. Thank you, Tabby.

Hi, Tabby. Is Urban Legends. Feels like this could be an entire podcast series, Urban Legends. Probably is. Probably is. Urban Legends is one thing. What about rural legends? Do you get rural legends?

And that pig had two faces. So you do get Urban Legends her but it's always that. But the animal can bury. And that sheep, for example, it can be. And that sheep had two pigs faces. So what is the definition of an open legend? Is it like the sort of friend of a friend of a friend? Right.

Right. Yeah. You usually told us facts until someone in the gathered audience goes, Bulltube. Yeah, yeah. Or someone goes, now hang on, that happened to a friend of mine as well. Wait a second. We both must be friends with the same person. But what are the big hicks?

Have I been ever-gents? There's some quite scatological ones. Yes, they're always a bit, they're always a bit gross. So this is not our fault. Some of these stories are a bit gross, is it? Yeah. There's the sort of glorious first date, the non-flushing toilet while. Yes, that's the one you always hear where they throw the poo out of the window.

You wear this one? Guys, I've stopped recording. It's my fucking face, I don't think again. Can you sort of that out? But I think it's been going to pre-recently. Sorry. I'll start recording now. Okay. We have not long at all. Henry, are you aware of this one at the throwing the poo out of the window? No.

Or is it putting a poo in your handbag? No, that one. I think it normally ends with, it's normally someone else's flat, right? The guest at after a great great great day great night stand this is the one yes yeah non-flushing blue yeah yeah it's it's bagged up but then there's usually some error involving keys and leaving the door and leaving the flat and then accidentally leaving the in the wrong bag on the kitchen table, rather than succeeding and throwing out the window. I think that's, so it looks as if you've sent the ultimate insult. And, and, and, but there are, there are variations, it's variations on a theme, right? People have

their own little twist. So, do you think people, we said enough that people actually know what we mean there? Or, I mean, I would, I would, I would, I would think of our story. 99% of listeners would have come across that story and would have come across it told as a friend of a friend time. But so, so these stories aren't exactly written by anyone are they? They sort of bubble up. They're kind of lore. Are they, are they? They're kind of, maybe, are they? They're lore. Or they're in the unconscious. Are they like, the collective unconscious, the kind of like bubbles them up? And it's kind of like...

So if you get everyone in the UK and you just, you boil down what their mind is sort of doing in the background, it's thinking about... To be honest, yeah. ...not being able to flush it and then leaving it in a bag on... Someone's kitchen island. So a different nation would have a different... Yeah.

If you think of Urban Legend, Urban Legend, something else would come up first. But that came up first in my mind. So basically, the people of Britain are worried. On some level, there's an ambient constant worry about non-flushing toilets. That's going on, and it's to some degree, the energy that powers our nation. LAUGHTER There are more international ones I'm thinking of. So the idea that what Disney had his head frozen. Oh that's a good one. That feels like a good one.

Legend to me. Yeah the dead celebrity sub-j-r. The other legend. Are the dead celebrity ones you can think of. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr That's an urban legend, but that ties into an act to a myth, which would gensage it, that's something in the kind of human unconscious, because the myth of the, the minor tour was when was created, wasn't it, where someone wanted to have sex with a prize bull? Is that what happened? Yes, there was a prize bull. It was probably Zeus or something in the form of a bull, I can't remember, but, and Icarus, the, essentially, the, the Dyson, the James Dyson of Ancient Greece, Icarus, the, essentially, the Dyson, the James Dyson, animation grace, Icarus, will one day Dyson suck himself into a Dyson and die.

He flew too close to the scurting board. He, one, he was so-so-based basically Icarus was trying to design the first bagless bowl. No, she, this woman got, got Icarus to design a, a bull sort of contraption whereby she could be in the bull. In dress up essentially she could be sexed up as a sex, she could be dressed up as a sexy bull. Right. So, I mean,, I kind of, the bull. The myotaur is the, is the offspring of this union, isn't it?

Uh-oh. Lured content warning. Lured content. Content. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey the bull, the sexy bull she fancy, then had sex with her, thinking it was having sex with another bull. Oh, but it was hard dressed up. Not another bull, sorry, well, I mean, a bull with a cow. Yeah. Yeah, and then that created the minusor.

So, you know, it shows, do you want to dowel in these things? Or they tend to be cautionary tales. Sure. If that's your point. Big, big. So, for example, obviously James, obviously very similar to James Iceman, he wants to have a Hoover Henry Hoover,

who really wants to have sex with him. It was actually Aphrodite, he dressed as a miniature car Hoover. Yeah. Where he dressed himself up as a Hoover. Nice. Where he created a Hoover outfit. Waiting for a bag. Waiting for a God to bang him.

Yeah. Which is why there's to this day a monstrous Hoover monster lurking in the Labyrinthine tunnels under the mendips in the Somerset. That's right. And every year James Dyson has to send 16 tons of virgins. Virgins. versions, versions. Yeah, what an iris, Tom. For that beast to, to Hoover up. Yeah, so is that an urban legend, Catherine the Great?

Maybe I don't know. It feels like it's, I don't know if it's too fine in the past, but maybe I'll certainly accept it, because in law, law, I don't know, I think about about legends of things that are happening now. But your mate says that they know someone who dissapears. Yeah, like is the kid at school who says, oh, if you go through that underpass under the a 379 or whatever, that's where a boy was strangled.

The 70s and you can still hear and screaming and every year on this day the kid disappears and then you dare each other to go through it on that day. So that kind of stuff. But if you widen out into into into lore, then you got you got your sort of beasts of Bodhna, don't you, and you're a chopper cabra. You hold on that stuff. Who's Papa Cabra? Who's Papa Cabra? The chopper cabra. The chopper cabra. You hold on that stuff. Who? Papa Cabra. Who's Papa Cabra? The Trappocabra. Elitropocabra is a sort of, uh, a typical kind of Latin American swamp man beast. Okay.

There's Slenderman. You know about Slenderman. What Slenderman? That does sound quite spooky. Slenderman is, um, a kind of spooky figure that appears in the back of photos, I think, or something. To do what? To do what?

Oh, just to, um, just, what? Just to sort of photo bombing. I'm not sure if we can speak the photo bombing. I've got another great one. Oh yeah? Oh yeah. But again, it's not very savory. A lot of these are quite unsavory. The idea that either Prince or Marilyn Manson had a non-functioning toilet flush.

Yeah. Had ribs removed so they could self-fulate. Oh, you would have a boy. You would have a boy. Ah, yes, yes. OK. Yeah. That feels like quite a solid urban legend.

Yeah. That's a solid, solid urban legend. One thing that Prince had a lift in his own house. I find that extraordinary. Imagine getting a lift in his own house. I found that extraordinary. Imagine getting a lift in your own house. I think sadly when he died he was found in his lift I think. I was he. That was the bit of the story that most people... So the world was a whipping.

He's got a magic premature loss to this genius. Go lift, Hang on, baby. It is a house. Hang on, I'll read this again. Yeah, it says this in his house. Well, we do the fourth floor for Princess toilet. There's an Elvis dying on the toilet. Is that an urban myth or is that an urban myth?

It's true that these things they do, you just accept them as true without questioning it. That's why I think there is in the urban legend sort of territories, because I've never, I've never had any evidence of that. No, nor will anyone ever present you with any evidence. And quite often it's that they didn't actually, and normally when you watch documentary about something or whatever, a lot of it is just dispelling urban myths.

Yeah. So it'd be geniuses Caesar did not invent the Caesar salad or whatever. You don't mean it'll be quite those things. So it'll probably be the Elvis that didn't happen to Elvis. And people always say in the post-mortem they had to remove 500 burgers from his colon and stuff like that. Is that part of the urban myth or is that in the documentary? No, that's part of the urban myth or is that in the documentary? No, that's part of the urban myth. He's the idea that he was kind of, he died because he just had some of the burgers and

his gut and he needed the bigger shit in the world. And it killed him. Well, he's actually so big that he ended up forcing him through the roof of the entire room. He broke his neck. One day, he actually died because his head went through the ceiling and his head and then the floor above him was the swimming pool. I remember some story about some boys that broke into a paper factory then decided to stay

the night and fell asleep in a machine. In the next morning they turned on the paper machine. Never go to sleep in a machine in the next morning they turned on the paper machine, never go to sleep in a machine. And, and then it's what it's how you let it teach lessons like never follows even in a machine. And of course the next day, and the next day there was thousands and thousands of sheets of paper, each of which was just a sort of cross-section of of their faces. So, so that you can actually, it performed this incredible detailed scan of their face. It was like chopped through. So I'm actually like an MRI. I'm like, was it not going to be incredibly accurate?

MRI, but of course far too, let's actually do it again. Diagnosis death. Diagnosis, broad sheet. And then of course, the newspaper in that day had actually less blood on his hands though than you average day in a man, and I could follow these papers. Power. Ladies and gentlemen, please pray silence for a moment of satire.

Jonathan Swind, holding institutions to account. Mark Twain, speaking truth to account. Mark Twain. Speaking truth to power. Sure sir. A core part of any healthy democracy. Chamberlain. Can our jokes actually change government policy? Of course they can. Quaid, please respect this important mode of humour.

Feels like our satire Jingle was getting too much use of anything. But because urban legends is that's how you teepee all basic rules, never fall asleep in a machine, never go to the toilet and someone else's home. Don't freeze your own head. Never freeze your own head. There's a whole load of them which are my friend went to South America, he did a piss in the Amazon, came home, He thought everything was fine. He just thought one of his eyes had gone all milky. But turned out his left eye was actually had been eaten and replaced with a tarantula egg. LAUGHTER He went to the optician to help.

And when the optician said, can you read the top letter? He went, and the optician said, it's not me. It letter? He went and the optician said it's not it's not me. It's actually Turn round, but it's too late 50 trynacos I'd burst out of this guy's eyes pocket Devour the optician they took that optician to school if forced him to um they forced him to make some glasses for all eight of their eyes Theatide process oh no Yeah, so those kinds of stories happen, don't they? What are the other ones?

They're generally quite macabre, aren't they? They never have a happy ending. They're always like grizzly. I mean, just looking on Wikipedia, just the names of the famous ones like the babysitter and the man upstairs. Oh. I don't think that would have ended well. The Bell Witch. Oh, I'm looking at that. That wouldn't have ended well. The bellwitch.

Oh, here's a good one. Ben drowned. Ben drowned, also known as Ben in capitals drowned. Ben or Ben drowned or haunted or haunted major as mask. Is it fictitious psychological horror series that originated in alternate reality game created by American author Alex Haunt in 2010? That doesn't sound like an over legend, it sounds like a novel.

Are you googling? I know, this is the legend of Zelda. Majora's Mask. That's a computer game. After a quite haunted... No, no, it's a... This is a film about Haunted Nintendo. I don't know, this isn't right.

I remember, there's an urban legend I remember hearing about, I've never got quite right, but it's something about you're driving on the motorway, you hear a weird noise on the top of your car. You stop. Oh, that's quite, yes, it's good. You go to a service station, have a shit. The flash doesn't work.

You need to turn the bag on the regional manager's office. On the service station. Yeah, no, but it involves you turn around, you look at your car, and there's a dead dog's head on the car. That's the end. That's the end. Yeah.

I can't know if he's actually. Sometimes they involve someone going to an awful lot of trouble to when he's up someone. This does feel like a good opportunity for people to email in their own local urban legends. That's why I like to hear some. Yeah, we want alien abductions missing hitchhikers. What have you got? I'm just looking up some good ones on Wikipedia here. The Catman of Greenuck.

Is this another computer game? Is the urban legend since the 1970s of a man in Greenuck, Scotland, who eats rats with his hands. I'm sure he's his mouth. I can eat something with your hands. He earned the name Cat Man, due to rumors he lived with and cared for a group of wild cats. Who's got, um, doesn't like and trade with that guys, isn't it?

I think this is quite good. The Choking Doberman. Kong is an urban legend that originated in the United States. The story involves a protective pet, found by its owner gagging on human fingers, launching its throat. As the story unfolds, the dog's owner discovers an intruder whose hand is bleeding from the dog bite. The intruder is then arrested by the police, the owner of the dog, having rectified things to his liking, decides to have a celebratory shit in his toilets,

and he to discover that the flush mechanism isn't working. This is a horrible episode. That wasn't our fault, I'd say, because that's the fault of the collective unconscious that actually, from which these things bubble up. Yeah. And do I ever put urban legends into the bean machine. Tabby. Tabby for Edinburgh. Do you know what I heard about Tabby for Edinburgh?

LAUGHTER MUSIC OK, time to read your emails. Somebody has sent in a version of our email jingle. And what I just want to say, I really appreciate all the, well, we really appreciate the email jingles. But you can also do versions of some of our other jingles. I'd like a listen a version of the Patreon jingle, that would be good. Like a listen a version of the bean machine. I'd like a listen a version of provincial dad chat.

Coney. Pompadoo. Pompadoo section. yeah. But I don't want to discourage you from doing it. But do you see the horns of the dilemma I'm on? I think you've expressed yourself very clearly Ben. Okay. Yeah. The golden is his throne. Let's see what comes. Oh, yeah.

Anyway, this one is from Jack from Bristol. He says, Dearest Beenos, please find the touch. My accapele, you and McCall, folk style singing rendition of your email jingle. The recording is punctuated quite nicely at the end by the sound of my three-year-old slamming the kitchen door behind her as she came in to see what I was up to. Much love with Jack from Bristol.

I've listened to this one already. It is fantastic. When you send an email, you must give thanks listen to this one already, it is fantastic. Yes, like a robot chewing a hose. Give me your hoof, my beautiful holes. Very firm slam from that three-year-old. What I said to pipes on Jack is, well, lovely. What I'd love about it is that I'd like the idea of the email said, a pipe's on Jack as well, lovely. What I love about it is that I'd like the idea

of the email jingle, making it's way into the folk canon of the UK. Oh yeah. Yeah. But I hope now in like 300 years time, there'll be sort of folk performances of this old ditty. It'll become a standard, a folk standard. And a wind swept Cornish pub. Exactly. You'll go in there, you'll be out of the cold,

hunkering down, and next to the fireplace. That's what they'll sing the next time, you know, a postman that's been swept in to sea. Yes, they will stand somberly on the harbor. When you send me email. A Cornish choir. So thank you Jack, that was fantastic. He delivers post for the prawns now. That's what they say, isn't it? Parsles for the scallops.

I'm sorry you weren't in for the headache. The derby issue runs on the leal issue runs on... Ah, yes. Accessing listener, Balaking. Balaking loading. Some are all the people of the world we be Bollocking loaded Paul emails, dear beans, as a proud and homesick Darby and temporarily a living abroad. I was initially thrilled to hear you mention Darby on the podcast, only for that joy to quickly

tend to rage as you repeatedly drags our good settings name through the mud. Oh God, sorry, Derby. A few points. Whilst we don't have the houses of Parliament or an underground tube network, we do have the second highest perpendicular church tower in the UK. Perpendicular. I don't know what that means. Unall church towers perpendicular. Yeah, you can't use that as a selling point. I mean, that's, On all church towers, perpendicular. Yeah, you can't use that as a selling point. I mean, that's, I mean, that's, yeah, it's perpendicular. Is it the tallest from the ground up

or from sea level up? Second tallest. Yeah, is it the second tallest from the bottom of the spiral up or from, from, from where up? He hasn't specified where he's starting measuring it from. Okay, well, maybe Paul can get back to us with some more information about the perpendicular. Yeah. Yeah. Just now he also writes, if Derby was so shit,

do you think Robert Lindsay would have allowed himself most of them to be born there, but to continue to live there until the age of 17. That is pretty bulletproof. This is a balladicking, I think, basically. No, it's fair enough. I've got nothing against that. I've never been to DARPA. Is it a bollicking accepted? I think it is already, even before I've heard all of it.

Bollicking accepted. Bollicking accepted, but now let's just sit back and enjoy the bollicking. Who do you mean? Well, that's all the bollicking you're getting. Then he bollocks me lightly. Okay. He says, I'm he bollocks me lightly. Okay.

He says, I'm starting to think that due to Ben's recent Squirrel attack, that perhaps him hitting an owl with his car was not an accident. And in fact, a case of a time-traveling BP seeking vengeance against members of the animal world. Interesting theory. Very interesting theory. An apology for Henry's unfounded remarks about Darby and Ben's album, I would really help smooth things over with the mayor of Darby and the doublet. I'm happy to totally apologize and retract it,

but but the same time. Can I do that? And also in the same time say that I will probably carry on slaying off Darby. Okay, yes. Yeah. And I've apologized again and again for merging that L. Yeah. Hmm. Every night I scream it into the heavens. And so I don't need to apologize to you, Paul. I'm sorry. Can I say just, can I just quickly say something?

Last night I was out on the town, Washington, Phantom. Yeah, obviously. I was trying, I was out and about trying to meet some chicks last night. Right. Went, went down the Albar, turned a few heads. Um, next email is from Cassandra. Dear Beans, back in 2011, I visited Dambu with my grandmother to do some genealogy. That's like a fun trip.

It was my first time in the UK and the first place we went to after landing in the country. Oh, no, where's she from? Well, she says, I'm from the rural west of the US. So Dambu was pretty busy compared to what I'm used to. But this is a classic thing which happens. You meet people in America and they'll go, Oh yeah, oh yeah, my family, I'm so proud. I'm so happy, my family are from,

and it'll be somewhere that, and then we're going to visit next year. It's going to be amazing. Henry, are you about to signag off Darby having just apologize? It's like a starby, not a minute ago. And they're like, I'm visiting Darby. I'm going to spend like three months there. We put to maybe be in central Darby.

And you have to say to them, oh yeah, yeah, it's going to be amazing. Yeah, yeah, I can't wait. It's going to be like every day I wake up and I like being Darby, I'll look at the window at Darby. I'll go for like a Darby walk and I just, I just gonna be three months of pure Darby. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Have you ever had that experience? It's also obvious, I know what you mean. Yeah. Well, she writes, the first place we ate out was Nando's, which I think was pretty fortunate, she says, I think you're right. Can't go too far wrong in the Nando's. No, there was also Chinese buffer you we went to that was awesome. So

Okay, that's the impressions from abroad. So not quite quite positive So an and an andos in a Chinese buffet no big genealogy reveals there, but a couple of decent meals. Yeah Oh, no, so was at the door. I hope it's not the bloke, hang on. Here's a pompadoo for the listeners. Mike has had to go and ask the door to a carpet fitter, who was mental right when 10 minutes time he's arrived early, and now Mike's going to have to do his humiliating job in front of the carpet fitter, isn't it? Ha ha ha ha ha. What, what, doing three beans lad in front of the carpet? Yeah, I mean, that's heenest situation.

That's amazing. But so by the month now Mike's not here, I think I can say this. I didn't always get a carpet fitter round. I didn't think it's necessary. I think it's moustache. Looks fine at the moment. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha job which involves laying down carpet. That's what's happening. There's a man in my house right now. I found myself, I wasn't quite sure to say, I found myself telling him that I was on a work call.

Yes, you can't see him doing a thing. You are anywhere in a work call. So Mike, if you want, when we're near the end of the episode, if you wanted to say things like, yes, I'm all over that account. And things like that, instead of having to do it. Okay. Okay. Yeah, okay. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon Patreon.com For a sash, freebie salad. So thank you everyone who signed up on the Patreon. Go on there. Yeah I'll call the Danish no trouble.

Patreon.com.com. That's three been said. Four cars are probably three episodes on the 18th. Also we do a monthly bonus episode where you can hear even more of us talking about the topics we've talked about Five mill minimum and if you I say that for the Sean Bean tier mustard please get a shout out from Mike in the Sean Bean lounge where Mike was last night Yes, I was yes, I was in the Sean Bean lounge Quite he might I was in

I He might have what was in that. What was that? Can't hear you. That's right, I was in the Sean Bean lounge. In the business executive suite, he throw terminal 12. Say, mine's in it too. Mine's in it too. Mine's in it too. Is that what he said? Yeah, that's a good one.

And of course, Mike, it was the, what was it? It was the, was it the reptile buffet? was it the reptile buffet? It was the reptile buffet. Thank you, Ben. And here's my report, which needs to be on my desk at 9 a.m. tomorrow. There wasn't an amphibian hash slinger insight last night. The Sean Bean Lounge because Sean Bean Loungeers were queuing up to present their most culinarily gifted reptiles to present

their most mouthwatering buffets to Sean Bean himself at the Sean Bean Lounge reptile buffet. Garrett Chamberlain's Asian Pipesnick opened the event with a delectable Aztec burger smogger board. James It's My Birthday Stern's youngest member presented a finger-food gulash trussle table, and KERDIKENIANS medium-chameleon bold onlookers over with a hams of Slovenia breakfast buffet. Unfortunately, Natalia A's neotropical ground lizard ate its own swabian jiblet board, bloated considerably, was mistaken for Sammy Dobson's pit-fiber's buffet hamper, and was tasted to death by Andrew Brown, who'd volunteered as Sean Beane's poison tester. Conrad the one cat, a long-standing friend of the Pit Viper,

raised to concern that the Pit Viper's Buffet Hampper hadn't actually been properly assessed, and declared himself an independent adjudicator. This riled Josh McGlalex Fiji-Crested iguana, who everyone knows has a profound dislike of authority figures of any stripe, and led to an argument that led to the iguana, tail-flicking a star-gaze pie off Elisboa's cornish-themed foods that look at Ubuffa at Conrad the one cat, missing him but glancing off filmurries' laceted, special event spats, and destroying Dijabansi's geckos buffets inside a giant Blomond-Blomond buffet. Blomond splattered, disrupted the setup of the lizards of Bradley Grey, Aras and Waterfield, and Simon Edwards, brackets Eelis, Legless and Strapless respectively, close brackets.

All of whom retaliated in kind and in moments the air was filled with volley upon volley of volavance, finger foods, carrot battons, some of the smaller crocodilians and Nick Horton. James cowered behind an upturned molecular gastronomy buffet, but this was a mistake, as it was the product of five years of intensive research by Mark Hoffa's imperious Python, who blamed James for the upturnurning and crushed him into jam. Not actual jam, but the word jam because he was trying to spell the word James out of the smushed James, but ran out of letters. Mistaking the mess for his own James, James Carruthas' picnose turtle disabled the brakes on emilyses at Gamers' Pork-Veak and Fusion Lunchwagon. In an attempt to wreak further havoc on Hoffa's

Python's stricken buffet, but the wagon swerved uncontrollably over the tail of Alex Marple's Cayman, which reflexly bit off Sweetheed's Waltznik's buffet carnigan, which lurched in surprise into Catherine Charlie's Anaconda's sausage sombrero, which caused Josh Odeblas' fame, which caused Sean Bean to throw him out on the spot. Elsewhere Dan Tarantino's Calibre's Hule Salad bar was a hit with Emily's skink, but otherwise loathed. Charlotte Bucsden's borrowing ass was accused of buffet plagiarism, with an obvious copy of Cap Anderson's Garrioles all you can eat curd buffet from 2019. But the winner was Natalie Dwyer's Monitalizards Interactive Hunt Your Own Spider Buffet. Congratulations

and thanks all! Okay, that's end of the show. We're going to play out with the version of your theme tune, sent in by one of you, the listeners. This is from Andrew and Leeds. He writes, this is 12 bar blues acoustic guitar. Oh. Recorded in a slightly breezy garden with a blackbird for a compliment.

Holy mouth. Sounds absolutely lovely. Oh, lovely. Paul McCartney himself could only dare to dream. Indeed. So until next time. Bye. Farewell. Cheerio,. Indeed. So until next time. Farewell.

Cheerio, thank you. Thank you. you