Three Bean Salad - Volcanoes

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

It takes every ounce of the beans’ strength to keep the banter lukewarm this week as they take on Phil of Baltimore’s inherently hot topic of volcanoes during the most violent heat wave the British Isles have ever seen. Does heat melt away their satirical fangs? No! (Listen if you dare, Tony Blair!) Does it stop them from catching up with what Silvio Berlusconi was up to in 2006? No way! Do the energy levels audibly drop towards the end of the episode? Arguably.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladLive-stream tickets for our live shows at London Podcast Festival:16th September: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-streaming-three-bean-salad-16-09/17th September: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-streaming-three-bean-salad-17-09/Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

What is hot? Hot man. So, sculturing it. Hot, hot, hot in the city. Nothing to do but shave your dog. Really? I've got to shave it. Shave it smooth. Shave it smooth. Shave everyone in the house smooth. And then we've a fan out of it. Yeah. We've a fan out of all that family. Yeah, a weft fan, yeah. Yeah, a family weft fan. And for the best.

London is insane today. Is it? I mean, this town, when it's super hot, it's super crazy. I mean, people, people, the people crotchety. There's so much crotchet going on. There's bin men just screaming. Screaming at each other. Pouring hot rubbish Screaming at each other pouring hot rubbish on each other pouring hot rubbish here. There's people just leaping whole fam just leaping into the into the rubbish grind

praying for a swift end So I want to start streaming outside so we have to shut the window. Oh, that's cool I might die People will start randomly streaming because again, he'll he'll think I need to call the bushes. I need to call the bushes. The bushes are good. The bushes are good. The bushes are good. The bushes are good. The big day tomorrow being bushes. People are shaving their carpets. Anything with hair or with hair or or fibres sprouting from it is being shaved down. Tonsured.

There are actually charities on the street shaving the rats and mice, aren't they? That's right. Wonderful work those people do. They didn't get any thanks for it. And then there's a question, what do we do with all that hair? You've got that hair mountain that you build up. So many hair mountain. Human fox rat. Yeah.

Tourist just dries out in the heat. It just dries out and the heat becomes a fire hazard, becomes a massive, massive fire hazard. It becomes a sort of a kind of hay. It becomes a fire hazard, becomes a massive, massive fire hazard. It becomes a sort of, a kind of hay. It becomes a kind of hay. So you've got bales, you've got, you've got highly flammable bales. Not in all the major parks, you've got park fires breaking out left front. And so, frankly, it's now the average air temperature,

the ambient air temperature is so hot now that it's actually hotter than fire. So you've got people trying to cool themselves down. In a barbecue. In a barbecue, in barbecue sets. It's super hot that the canals are molten, and it has a cool, and it's going out. The water's melted into a liquid. Oh, no.

The water's melted. And because we know that water is in fact just a form of glass. We've already established that and seen something. So that means the canal miners are at work, aren't they? That's right. They can't drill into the canal anymore. So they're just sitting around drinking red hot molten lager. I don't know if I'm boiling hot cans.

It's quite easy these days actually to make a mold lager, isn't it? Just leave out a full pack of lager at only front step. Within a couple of hours in these kind of heat, you've got a lovely summer mold lager. That's right. All apples are now technically hot cider. Within a couple of hours in these kind of heat, you've got a lovely summer mold lager. Right. All apples are now technically hot cider. They've all dissolved in hyperattrophied into cider. There's a kind of heat haze that comes off the buses. So a lot of people are seeing sort of bus stop mirages, aren't they? Yeah, there's a lot bus stop mirage.

People are getting on the run buses. People waiting in the middle of ponds that have gone. Standing on the back of the hot duck, waiting for a bus that's never going to come. I should just say, or our listeners who aren't in the UK, the temperatures here are currently around 27. Yeah. So the world is burning.

It's if you live in Australia or, or, most of North America America or most anywhere at least mild autumn day. This nation has ground to a halt. You'd probably bring in an extra layer. I beat the heat yesterday at Pondipuille Lido, which I've mentioned before, one of the greatest places on this fine earth. And when I got there, I've not been since last year. He's not really a winter thing for me. It's just a summer thing. And I think they turned up the music. Party Lido, is it?

It was yesterday. So I turned up and the music was very much like the music you get at like an 11 year old birthday party. Very good. So walking on sunshine, Katrina and the waves. Yeah, safe disco hits. Yeah, exactly. It's something it's something for the mums and dads to enjoy as well, isn't it partly? That's true. With some of the synths discovered predators curated out of the mix. Yeah,

yeah. The black eyed peas featured quite a lot tonight's gonna be a good night. Yeah, so this is for tied parents who are absolutely into their tatters, aren't they? Putting this birthday party together has nearly killed them. And then they need something so happy, don't they? Well, the demographic of the Lido is very much parents of preschool children, three year olds, OAPs, and Benjamin Partridge.

Hogging those lanes. The rest of them are all looking at Benjamin Partridge going, surely he must have something better to do. A person of working age. Should maybe fueling the economy in some way? Is he the security swimmer? Maybe he's part of the, he works for the LIDO. Well, it's one of those undercover, is he an undercover LIDO inspector? It's gone to seed.

You know what? I actually don't know what the difference is between the LIDO and an outdoor public swimming pool. Nothing. Vine. Yeah, I think LIDO has a more kind of retro vibe, I'd say. Anyway, it lends itself to a party. It lends itself to a speaker system with some disco hits. And what's the sort of, I'm thinking a slightly more relaxed piss policy than, is that right? Then you'd get in a, oh, you can piss in the pool. You can piss on the pool. You can piss in the pool.

Yeah, I would say 80% of the human beings in that pool are under three. So, okay, okay, so they're pretty, you can't even, yeah, they're pretty great. They're pretty great. The older ones have got pelvic chlorishes. I mean, it's absolutely, yeah. So you've got so things, you've got the bookends of incontinence that define that encompass our lives, all of our lives, and again, Ben Park, just simply at this is all we get.

So the music was going, and I was thinking this is fun, this is great, sunny, music is going, I felt good, I felt really good in piss, this is an hot piss. Yeah. And then I don't know if somebody was in charge of the playlist, or whether actually it was Spotify and Spotify did something. But as soon as I arrived, as soon as I got into the pool, the music changed, and the Tomb of the Music became very somber.

Oh, really? So I got in. I was feeling really good. This has been quite pumped. Tonight's gonna be a good night. It's straight into a Dargeo for strings. LAUGHTER Are they trying to get a message to you, Ben,

through the medium of DJ? So the first song was Phil Collins, you and me in Paradise, which I think is about, like, people starving, I think, isn't it? It was his smash hit. Let's all help the homeless people while he was also giving quite a lot of money to the Tory party, I think, at the same time. I think he got himself in a bit of a pic low, right?

So that came on and that felt like an odd choice. Like, oh, it's a bit downbeat off the back of all these disco hits. Okay, I'll keep showing, keep showing, keep showing. Next one, Bruce Springsteen, Streets of Philadelphia. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That is one of the most brilliant songs. Brilliant songs. There's definitely a head of an Oscar winning performance. Absolutely. Yeah, as to Hanks.

But what I would say was the mood even began to affect now the three-year-olds. They sort of picked up on it, you know? Especially the bit the bit where he goes, Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doob do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie I'm going to lead you through this piece of land. All before you finished your lunch. Lens, you can come. They put on the kind of charity ethical NGO sort of mix. It's all because it's all like, that's songs about homelessness. Yes. Obviously, for the elf who's about AIDS, the AIDS epidemic.

And Phil Collins is about homelessness, I guess. These are important issues, but you you're at a Lido. Yeah. Which should be an issue free environment. It should be an issue free environment at a safe space. Yeah. It harshed my vibe. I have to say.

Have you seen the early middle aged man swimming at the Lido during children's hour? Will play him something that'll make him finally fuck off Maybe that's what was going on Mike yeah, do you swim? Are you quite regular? I love a dip. Yeah. Yeah, I had a dip yesterday as well But it was indoors. I was right. What was the soundtrack zero soundtrack all business? What's your internal soundtrack when you're swimming? I have the tiger All business. What's your internal soundtrack when you're swimming? I have the tiger. Damn, just just the intro there. Never find that. Down, down, down, over and over again. Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down lents. Yeah, and I keep going on that until I'm sick. And then I'm down. What's lents?

Lents. Lents. Oh, lents, lents. I thought you were driving like a lens. It's really hard to sing the word lents. It is, isn't it? Lents. Lents, lents, lents.

You don't get a lot of knowledge about swimming for fitness on the whole. Do you have a... Arm bands? No. And anyone who says I'm on this, I'm talking BS. They're buoyancy aids that used by all top firmers in training, okay? I see you as a good, I'm imagining you're, you're a good, you're a good swimmer. I think we've, it before. I've got a very large wide flat feet. Right, which work as feet as both. They work as they work okay.

Yeah, but as their A game comes on that, I use them as paddles. As rare paddles. Yeah, okay. So the thing is, I've never seen Mike swim. I don't think, but I can absolutely imagine it. I can imagine it's quite a sort of, a material thing to watch as he glides through the water,

cutting through it like a... Yet with an urgency. Think of a sort of a kind of alpha seal who's just realized he's being pursued by an Orca. Yeah. Yeah. But the other thing I can picture with Mike is a superb bit where he gets to the end and has to turn round. What do you call that?

You know, the flip, the direct, when you do the rolly-poly, the bounce, the, the, the, the, I can bounce, I can bounce, I can, I will bounce. If, if, if needs be, but it's, it's very possible. You shouldn't do it too often. Because, because what I do is I slowly come to a stop and then just have a break, because I'm quite knackered after one length normally. And what I'll do is I'll get my acqua hamper out. And you're laminated grisham. I'm laminated grisham, and my crispy, when wet quavis.

Very, very, very expensive. No, I don't want to be mean. I was like, I can imagine Mike cutting through the water with... Oh, okay. Well, that case... Like, I sort of want to be there. Yeah, there's simply that somebody just don't carry on there. So it's very easy way to not be mean here, isn't it? Then, if you really didn't want to be mean.

Okay, I do want to be mean. Let's see how much... Oh, okay. Fine. Yeah, go on. I was just going to say, I've never seen Henry so minor. Mm-hmm. I just, I feel like it would look like if you threw,

like a pine mountain into the sea. Yeah, and told him to rescue that so far. Just like an element of struggle to it is what I'm thinking. Yes, there is. I do, I have been described as it looks like your people have said to me after saying me, so Henry, were you, were you, were you, were you transporting an invisible sofa up in there? Because it does, it does feel like I'm hefting an invisible but a fernant. Yeah.

But what happens with me is I get to the end and I, I stop. I'm bloody knackered and I've got, so I've got a multitude of different flens, different types of flens, so from deep greens up to the bright yellows, all of them are full spectrums. Municipal pools come with spatoons at each end. No, not any more, not since various pollution controls came in in London and people are not having black breath. But what happens to me is there'll be a series of different densities and fleses will come at the end of the pool, there's something gush out of my name. So you know, you're

the scene where Daniel Craig gets out of the water in the bond. Oh, right. Yeah. I was thinking more of the end of the fly. Got carry on. Yeah. It's basically those two. It's those if you sort of an AI mashup of those two. If you could sort of... An AI mashup of those two. Those two moments. I am coming out. So as my head comes out of the water, you know, there is water. Glistening water is flowing off me, off my body, but also so it's just different types

of textures of flim. So, and there'll be some of them will be, because they've got different densities. Certain flimms will be on top of other flims or will be racing over them, they'll travel at different places. It's really, it's quite a complex site. There'll be eye flims, there'll be ear gunning. It is. There's a whole pieces of scalp

I've got soggy and cum loose. Yeah, yeah, those will be floating about. Once actually a piece of very, very fine a trusskin pottery. That one. Which are still there, I'm gonna have to explain. It's always worth sifting after a Henry swim, isn't it? It's always worth sifting. You just never know.

Well, one time I went to a pudding London, I thought, I think Henry's been here because when they arrived, they had the huge seavout and they were serving the water. The man's eyes too. Yeah, the man in the death helmet. Laughing waters. The man's eye is so. Yeah, the man in the best helmet. Glocking orders. No, but really for some reason it really expunges a lot of my works as a head or a sort of facial enema for me. Really, a lot of suspects expunged out.

Offer, I'll be crying as well. Crying, so it's water or crying, sort of deep green gun. WTF, water tears and flammage. Flammage doesn't scum with an F. Can you let me mean someone who's flammish? That's what I made. And yeah, so I'll be exhausted. And what I'll do is I'll, because people, you're not normally supposed to stop for a break after one length.

In case there are people around who've just come into the pool, I'll say something out loud like, oh, bloody hell, I've been doing this for ages. Or I'll try and have the body language of someone that's having a little bit of a break. Maybe after that 200th length. Yeah, exactly. I'll be panting as well. Pretend to sort of stop your stopwatch. That kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, glance up at the clock. And then I'll set off for another one. If I'm really knackered, I'll do it on my back.

Have a break on your back. Or just float at one end of the lane. The belly in the air Yeah, I'll have a float eating your aquatic quavis. Yeah, because the body the body is Less dense and water so it's something you can do But where's where you might say that's what I do at one end, but as I imagine Mike you'll Mike will have a Kind of you'll have some sort of extraordinary flip where he kind of, he'll put his, he'll be swimming towards the end there and then his head will go between his legs, he'll be, he'll be face to crotch just for a second, he'll be face to crotch and the size of a coconut

as well. He'll be the size and texture of a coconut as his face perfectly folds into his butt at the texture. Everything just fits perfectly. And then that's just for a second, he'll be the size. He's spimming beautifully. And texture for coconut. Great, a small whirlpool. Spitting.

Seriously. And then it'll appear as if a human being is arriving in our in our dimension through a coconut shaped vortex because then his legs will arrow out of that coconut apparently, they'll shoot straight up in the air. With fantastic force. Well, fantastic force. The pool will, at this point, be completely empty of water.

Ha ha ha. Just for a fraction of a second. for a fraction of a second. For a fraction of a second, and people have managed to photograph this, it's very hard, but the entire pool, an entire perfect swimming pool shaped oblong of water will be suspended about 10 feet in the air above Mike's head, with all its contents, with all its swimming as well in tact. They often don't realise. They won't know it's happened. They won't even know it's happened.

And some of these will be hard and slimmers swimming teachers swimming professionals. Ben Patrick might be in there. And then suddenly that splashes back, you whip around and then your moustache has become like, just fully sodden now. And they kind of whip up. They whip around like two seals,

being sucked into a... Do a hoover. Well, I sort of... Do a hoover. But they sort of whip, disappear extraordinarily. A rainbow is created. A perfectly circular rainbow is created.

At that point, that hangs in the air. This is all happening in a fraction of a second as well. This is all happening less than a fraction of a second. I'm quite a fraction. And if you look very, very carefully, just up in the hazy corner, or the tenderness of the rain, but you can see a very brief glimpse of a conversation happening at the middle of the Berlin conference.

That's right. Yeah. And that's why you often have PhD students when you're following you around, following you to the portal and getting glimpse of that stuff. Well, the anyway, this was actually a photo-cough, was who they made Mike do this inside the large Hadron Clider and he swam around it.

LAUGHTER And then before you know, and then you're off, you're off down the other end, and the whole thing starts again. LAUGHTER This week's topic is sent in by Phil in Baltimore. Oh, oh nice. Is it about running the corners? Is it about running the corners? I was about to say, I think I'll probably add all of our collective only reference people

here. The HBO series The Wire. Correct. So surprisingly nice drug dealers and surprisingly corrupt mayors and town planners. Oh, the town planning series was something else. I was actually my favourite. Well, because it was when they tried to solve it by not having any corners, didn't they?

If we could take the corners out of this town, where are they going to sell the drugs? Wiggly roads only. Wiggly roads only. Wiggly roads only. So thank you Phil and Baltimore for getting in touch and the topic that the B-machine has picked sent in by Phil is Volcanoes. Oh appropriate. Isn't it just? Tell you what, if I want to know about a volcano I'm just going to look around me because I'm bloody in one. You know what? me because I'm bloody in one. You know what, that makes me think of volcanoes is, it's this one to think about Silvia

Birloscone, it apparently had a private volcano. Yeah, basically, he had a house in Sicily that had like two or two hundred and seventy-five rubles or something. And one of them had a volcano in it. All the sweet volcano. It's like a volcano in it. On a sweet volcano. It's like a be day. I know it's a big volcano. Because he could actually, he got to a point where he was so corrupt that he could only

go into a live volcano. That's the only way he could relax. Enough to actually relieve himself. No, apparently he had a sort of artificial volcano, or something. It's quite a sort of bady thing to have, isn't it? But do you mean like a volcano shaped mini golf course or water slide? Or do you mean lava produced in its weekends playing with some bicarbonate soda and some papi mershe?

I don't know. It feels like it would. I feel like it would have been some sort of sort of toy of sort of fake volcano. Yeah, he had a fake, Bellasconi sets off fake volcano to blow away election blues. Incredible. This was the kind of thinking, yeah, causing an ecological disaster. So free of the burdens of state were impelled by desperate desire to get back to the headlines.

The former Italian Prime Minister Sylvia Bellasconi is enjoying a summer of grand and improbable spectacles. Oh, you know who's a glasses mirror? Hey! Oh, thank you. To celebrate Italy's big summer bank holiday on 15th August, I don't know what you're this was. The Feast of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary. He organised the secret building of an artificial volcano

and sprawling though congested grounds if it's Sandinian holiday home, Villasatosa, sprawling though congested. Yeah, congested with what? Well, he congested most spaces with teenage girls, didn't he? On the whole, I think, I think, I think probably a lot of, yeah, scantily clad women and are trying to serve him rits.

They're trying to serve him rits. And probably most of the British conservative party. Oh, hello. Ouch. Mwah, mwah, mwah. Although famously it was Blair that was made to the more than, yeah. Well, that's just Charles, I call them,

times of his actual policies. I'm sorry. I'm trying to go into it. I don't know, I'm trying to go into it now, but... Yeah. Best leader of the Conservatives ever had, actually, to any left. That's an end point again. Yeah. Was I called him Tony B. Lier?

Oh. Actually, in any of the worst, the Conservatives ever had. Gordon Brown. That's the same thing, the sort of similar point again. I just want to know what, I just want to know what it is. It doesn't work as well, that one.

Right, satire, tick. That's the toy we've dealt with one week. It's really hard to do satire in these temperatures. It is. I'm sorry, it just is. So there, on this lonely, splendid stretch of the Costa Smereldda, already adorned with his Greek style amphitheatre, a guard with 1,000 cacti.

That's a brilliant sort of despot slash Mariah Carey-style demand, isn't it? No, you need to know what it is. It's like, he's ordered like, what's happened is he's ordered 20 cacti for the cactus garden. And the gardener, the gardener's come and said It's alien accent or not maybe not on these times. Yeah, let's get less paths this time. Okay the I did a very ropey Swiss accent the last episode for which I like to apologize So the gardener's come in and he said

I'm so sorry I didn't. He's jammed, God. I've only got 29. I've only got 19, I had an accident as one of them and I sat on it. Oh, oh, so many. Of course, I'm sorry, but it's going to be a hard able to hide Boris Becker to be his first guy. That's right. No, but I think what would happen is a guard, he'd have had, he'd have wanted like 20 cacti, a guard and went, sorry, one of them fell off the, fell off the wheel, but I lost it. Sorry, we got 19 and he would have turned around and gone,

really? You can't give me 20 cacti? Well, you would give me 1000 cacti. Did it mean it would have been a ramping up? Yes, there's me 1000,000, cacti. Yeah. Did you know it would have been a ramping up. Yes. There's no one once a thousand cacti. It's the end point of an argument. Yeah. Also, it means he could push world leaders into cacti, into cacti at any point in a garden,

during a garden stroll. Even at the G 1000. Should he need to? Yeah. So yes, the Garb had a thousand cacti and at least five swimming pools. I feel quite... Yeah, it feels quite countable, doesn't it?

It does, whereas the cacti feel like they've been precise on the cacti. They've put far too much effort into counting the cacti and they've actually got back home and they've raised, we forgot to count the swimming pool, I can't believe it. We've actually forgotten to count the swimming pool. So it was at least five. It was almost must have been at least five. Couldn't swear by that.

Because there was a Lido, there was the indoor one, there was the one with the lanes, there was the one with Ben Partridge in it. Listening to some amazing weeping down a flume. Anyway, so then he, so yeah, so on this, in this place, the media tycoon, or to the fashioning of this fake volcano cone, on the top of a new artificial hill, which has already excited the disproving attention of the local planning authorities. He's gonna struggle life, permission for a volcano. If you're going through the proper channels, I would assume so.

I mean, good luck getting a good luck getting a rear dorkmer if you're in E-Link. But depending on where he is, it could be in keeping with the local landscape. Oh, that's true. Actually, Sardinia is a, yeah, probably got volcanoes, right? So actually, it might be easier to get a volcano than a kind of... That's a good point than a rear dorkmer. What came out of this volcano, is it say? Did it splurge?

Hot stuff. I'm not sure. Poor stuff of any kind. Porn stars. Pue a bonga bonga. Porn stars and cash. I think you might have done it in a bit like emprenerous sort of thing of like putting on spectacles to keep the public on side grand spectacle giving away white goods willy-nilly. What is the topic? What is the topic? It's volcanoes. I can carry on with the article. So, the topic is the gardener kutramonts of Sauravib Belosko. That's right, yeah. So, so... Okay, so Miss Beloskoon, so when was this?

This is in 2006. Okay. So, Miss Beloskoon is still the leader of Italy's opposition, despite rumbles of rebellion from his allies, and as such, has been irregular touch with the Prime Minister Ramanar Proddi in recent days over Italy's plans to send up to up to 3,000 soldiers to Lebanon with the UN force. This moved out to maybe keep that in the podcast. But in between, he was putting the finishing touches to the most preposterous CUDA teatro

of his extraordinary career. It'd be nice to be a meat to be described as a media tycoon, wouldn't it? Who put on preposterous kuda teatras? Well, baby steps, Henry. You're getting there. No, baby steps. Oh, speaking of kuda teatras, yeah. Oh, we're doing a live show in September that we need to mention in this episode. Oh, yeah.

So, yeah. That's a good point. Tickets have largely sold out, and I think by the time this will have gone to air will will be sold out. Which is another reason to sign up to Patreon, isn't it? Yeah, they've snapped up by Patreon. They've snapped up by the Patreon members. Yeah, but you know, it might be some 16th, 17th September 2023 London Podcast Fest. I'll put a link in the show notes, but they will be unlimited streaming tickets if you want to watch on a stream for both shows. Perhaps from your homemade Baton Garden volcano.

Yeah, will it match up to the coup d'étatre of Sulfid Billus going to be setting off an artificial volcano in his cactus garden? I cannot promise that. But certainly if you do like the idea of a crusty, a crusty old, yeah, crusty old and grumpy thing with steam coming out of it, it's wider at the base than it is at the top. But it's wider at the base, it is at the top that is get hot, hot, hot, hot, so that has a lot of bloody hot steam coming out of it all day. But probably then did goats on it?

It's up the geze, it's up day. But probably then did goats on it? Did I have the goods out there? Then probably will enjoy. Which one? Watching... Ah, so the podcast... Don't go with it. He's done it. He's done it. Pulled it round.

We've got a jingle for those, haven't we? Play the jingle. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcheroo Okay, yes, I see what you're saying. Are you saying what? I thought he's gonna say that oh he's got the other what I've got the other way around He means oh that's what he meant What he said before I've got it now. He's got the other way around with it. Oh

It's the old switcheroo. Right, volcanoes. Talk to me. Personal experience-wise, Pompeii, is my only personal experience. Persuvius. So have you been to Pompeii in modern era? Childhood, yeah.

Teenie-bopper, I think. Do you see the one-kin-guy? So, or everyone, it's quite, they're very much the guided tour, very much, I remember leaning heavily towards the Lecifius, you know? I really. Like, if there's a couple, if there's a sort of petrified couple banging awesome,

I mean, that's very much, that's something that way the tour guide will hover and the tourists are happy to hover, including the parents who might be there with young children. Is there a petrified? Is there a petri-fide? Is there petri-fide people? I have been so trained, of course, upon me. There might be, there might just be embracing, I think they're embracing, but it's the sort of thing that invites. Comment.

Because yeah, there's the quote-unquote wanking guy. But he probably wasn't wanking. No, I don't know how you tell that. I haven't seen any of the stuff. I went upon parents, any of the stuff. To tell, I was very, very hot and I spent most of it sitting down. It can't be more than 28 degrees though, I don't know. No, no, no, no, I mean, I didn't kill me. I remember just sitting and watching, for me it was more about watching the city go by

just sitting there and watching the life of the city happening around me. Oh, okay. It doesn't sound like you actually went in to the visitors center. I didn't go into, I didn't see a lot of it, to be honest. I remember there was an amphitheater at the end and I thought I just can't, I can't face this, too hot. It really is hot there, which is ironic considering how all the people were perished, but I actually couldn't, um, I mean there's a point where I felt myself petrified and I thought I was, I was going to almost become one of them. Isn't it the other lascivious angle on it?

Isn't it true that a lot of the buildings and stuff you'll you'll go in and they'll just be like a big fresco on the wall with like loads of There's lots of cocktails and there's lots of there's lots of Willie frescoes. Yeah, I think that's the case in herculaneum as well Just up the road and they've really beautifully, beautifully preserved them. Yeah, that was the same. Because it doesn't actually feature in a lot of historical films they've made about the period, does it? So if you imagine the film Gladiator, realistically, every ceiling Gladiator, he would have just been surrounded by little sculptors.

Yeah, huge sticks on them. And he'd be, wouldn't he? And he'd be having to constantly move them out of the way. Runs would have just been parled up with them on every surface, wouldn't they? Yeah'd be having to constantly move them out of the way. Rums would have just be piled up with them on every surface, wouldn't they? Just a little men with huge dongs. It'd be signing stone dicks for his fans. Yeah, that's right.

My name is Dominus Miraximos Malamias. This is a sculpture of the huge dick. I'm just going to move to the side. My name is Dominus Miraxis really. I'm the brother of a murdered psych. So it's knocked over a guy with a big dick and his ceramic dick has broken the dick on this one. I'll fix that later.

But that's what it would have just been constant. I went to in the British Museum, they had a Pompein Haclein in the exhibition with artifacts and things from there that they brought over to the British Museum. I assume they gave them back, but there's every chance they did. And there was a room where before we went into the room, there was like a little warning basically saying, like things get pretty lewd in this room. So, you know, if you've got kids with you, whatever you might be, a bit of a weird thing.

So I was champing at the bit. And that was when you started barging, wasn't it? That was when the barging began. I walked in. Barged you in. And in the center of the room, sort of lit up in a spotlight in my memory, maybe it wasn't like this,

was a huge statue of a guy shaking her goats. Wow. Yeah. In the missionary position. Missionary. Yeah, that's missionary position. Missionary? Yeah, that's unexpected. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who's on top? Who's on top? Who's a Kimbo? It was who's a Kimbo, yeah. In the missionary position. One who clutching the bedstead. I'm trying to find an image of it. That's what this, you've got four hooves at play, haven't you?

So the, I don't, this is a bit lewd, isn't it? Uh-oh. Oh. Lewd content warning. Lewd content. Content. Hey, hey, hey. The goat was flipped over on its back.

Which we learned at our recent show is the position in which you milked sheep. But it was bad. But this was not a milking scene. You were in this old god. No. What is it that the Romans and lewd pottery, that was their sort of, they just had a real weakness for lewd pottery, didn't they? Which is not something that really gets discussed or talked about very much. Is it just an easier thing to start with?

If you're becoming an artist, is that, you must have done a bit of pottery in your art days, Henry? Is that, do you start with dicks? Is it just an easier thing to make the beginning and then you move on to mugs and torso? I think that's probably right, isn't it? Because a lump of pottery, when it's on the wheel, you hold it, it basically tends into a into a dick of sorts, doesn't it? And then that dick can then be a handle or it could be it could be folded. It could be repurposed. It could be different things. You can repurpose, but essentially, yeah, you are starting with a, I suppose you are starting with a dick, aren't you?

I've just sent you a link to the image of the statue that I was faced with. Oh, it's a form to be fair. So it's not fully... The person having sex with the goat seems to be a form, doesn't it? Is that right? Well, do they have forms?

Is that a Roman thing? I mean, it's got go legs, doesn't it? Yes, it's definitely got a human genitals. Oh, yeah, one one is a form, but the other one is definitely a goat and it's oh yeah, it's it's explicit, isn't it? It's really horrible That is sentries It's sort of nestled against I'm going to say she I'm going to Against a sort of a banging rock Yes, going to against a sort of a banging rock. Yes, she's been propped on a banging rock. Yeah.

By the way, I'm quite, I'm quite wary of now that we've all looked at this image on our, using our computers that algorithms will now start chucking this stuff at us now. This is what happens, isn't it? So was Pompeii a city of purves? I think we have to assume happens, isn't it? So was Pompeii a city of pervs? I think we have to assume so, don't we? I mean, there's a reason why God set off the volcano and encased them all in.

Just to wipe it out. So, Herculaneum is also there. Mike, did you go there as well? Ideally, we did. No. I think we just went to Pompeii. Why is Pompeii the more famous one? I think Pompeii is the famous one because it's got the petrified people. I think her cleaning is the one

where the town is very well preserved. Right. But Pompeii is where you've got the blue stuff. Yeah. You've got the petrified people. So the people, is it that they actually put, is it like a sort of they poured in like alabaster and sort of made,

I think they're sort of encased in hot, hot ash, weren't they? But within case, then they sort of dissolved, leaving a space to shape a bit like, you know, like an antinegormal sort of thing. They let a space and then they filled up. I don't know, they didn't let us crack any of them open, unfortunately, so I don't know what's inside.

Okay, they might have just been waiting to get out. They might be very, very bored in there. I've been caramelized. When I did, I might have been delicious, I don't know. Pfff. I remember learning, we. When I'd eat, I'd been delicious. I don't know. I remember living in, we did it in history or geography at school, it was about how quickly they would have died. And it's because of hot gas.

Right. So they all just died like straight away. Before like, lava and stuff came, they just got hit by hot gas. And they're just died and almost instantly. Let the bollockings roll in. Time for your emails. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot chewing a horse.

Define your horse. My beautiful horse. Thank you, everyone, who sent us an email, to threebeansalodpodatgmail.com. Thank you. First email comes from Richard, Hello Beans. I discovered your podcast a couple of months ago and I'm busy working my way through your back catalogue. I've just listened to the episode Bicycles, which includes an anecdote from Henry about being

mocked by a small child for his missing hair. Oh yeah, so I wouldn't call it missing. No, there's no reward for finding my hair. No, it's never going to be a greasy BBC drama made about it. Well, it's a bit of a paradox, isn't it? Because on the one hand, this could even be a riddle, couldn't it? It's like, what is not missing? But I still don't know where it is. Because I couldn't tell you where my hair is, but it's not missing. But that's not me saying, I couldn't tell you where my wings are. I don't have wings.

Yeah, but you didn't have them. And I did have hair, which in a way did feel like having wings now looking back. And you feel clipped now. I feel so clipped. I can't remember the story about you being mocked by a child, but give us a quick, I think it was an eatery, wasn't it? A restaurant type, so I think it was in a gastroplub. I was mocked by a child. Parents enjoyed it, I seem to remember. And the parents looked between me and the child with laughing eyes and laughing mouths, laughing,

as if to say, what a wonderful little, a Procoseous little, he's playing my money. Closeless little. He's gonna be one of the greatest bullies mankind has ever produced. Yes, yeah, yeah. Richard says, I thought Hanyu might be comforted by this passage from a little book called The Bible. This is two Kings two versus 23 and 25 to 25. From there, Eliasio went up to Bethel,

and as he was on his way, some small boys came out of the town and jeered at him, saying, get along with you, bald head, get along. LAUGHTER Ah. He turned round, looked at them and cursed them in the name of the Lord, and two she bears came out of a wood and

Malled 42 of them. Whoa! Yes Feel our claws. Oh wow. That's good. Okay, well by this time next week maybe Henry you might have learned how to summon a she-beer. Or two. Or two she-bears, yeah. Two of them, two she-bears. Forty-that's quite a...

That's quite a total of two of them. Forty-two of them. Or so, imagine being geared up by 42 children. You would be driven to she-bears, wouldn't you? You would. You'd be thinking, I think it's a bit much, I think I should just let it go. Nah. Nah, she-bears. You'd be thinking I think it's a bit much, I think I should just let it go. Nah, nah she bears.

I've trade them for a reason. Go for it. Caroline Barbara, it's an attack. Well, thank you for that Richard. Thanks to the Bible. That's our first thank you Richard. That's the first time anyone's deployed. Nature's Grisham. On the pod.

This next email is from Lisa. Hello, Beans. I thought that I would share my tale of injuring my pal being inspired by Henry's thrilling and psychotic tale of his own. Oh, is that about the stairs and pushing my friend on the stairs? Yeah, I mean, also Mike did talk about firing

and burning up for the end of the space. A little licks can into the friend of his face, into his friend's face, but. I was worried, you know, that after we put that out, I thought maybe that was the thing. The people was not copying us. Yeah, the best spate of copycat. Spaces of eyebrow,

Combustions across the nation. Well, Lisa's showing her story of her own past, my feeds. Me and my pal Bob in voted commas. They're these really called Bob. We're about 11. One board hot summer day out in our mutual friend Biffy's garden. Oh, yes, yes. We thought we'd indulge in an idol bit of blind man's buff.

My friend Bob was it. I mean, we were happily gambling around the garden, goading Bob in the way that only 11 year olds can get away with. Just for those who don't know that I can't remember how Blind Man's Buff works. You blind one of your friends. You blind. Yes, that's right. Blindfold. We have to be clear.

Blindfolding. Sorry. Blindfolding with your friends. And then what happens? They have to try and get you or or do they have to then just start doing weights and beefing up to become bad. I said, isn't it? They have to find the protein shake. That's why the protein shake.

During the game, Bob started staggering towards the stone wall, edging the garden. I thought he was messing around pretending that he thought the wall was us. I thought he must be joking, because me and Biffy were making plenty of noise quite far away from him. It turned out he wasn't pretending, because when he was just an arm's length from the wall, he suddenly accelerated forward, and making very inefficient use of his arms smashed his face into the stone wall teeth first. God, oh, oh, Bob. He had to get a hospital for a couple of days and spend the rest of the summer with the sort of perspex mold over what remained of his front teeth. Oh, Bob.

No. No. That's awful. That is awful, but I just want to say I don't think that is Lisa's fault, is it? That's just Bob being incredibly bad at Blind Man's Buff. I think it reflects very well on Lisa that she thinks that it might be because it clearly isn't her fault, but she's maybe she thought, I'll, should I have warned him, could it? She's had the thought, could I have done anything thought, I should I have warned him, could she thought she's had the thought

could I have done anything different? I think our reflex very well on Lisa. And what also reflects well on Lisa is that she's she's even sent that message in to try and comfort Henry and I. But I'm afraid Lisa we're in a different bracket. Henry and I are both unforgivable. I'm afraid. Yeah, and I think your conscience is clear.

Well, Chaps, I haven't finished the email. Oh. Oh. Later on thataps, I haven't finished the email. Oh. Oh. Later on that summer, I shot Biff. LAUGHTER With a homemade harpoon. LAUGHTER That's for damaging my stone wall. LAUGHTER

Um, OK, yeah. Later on that summer, after helping him smash his teeth in, on another very hot afternoon, he let me wrap his head in a full-sized woolen blanket and I made him pose for photographs. He asked a few times, but I wouldn't let him take it off because he looked really funny. And after a while, he collapsed from his fixation. Oh, no. Oh, no. Why was she wrapping his head in

wool? Because it looked funny. Yes. Yes, he couldn't breathe, but it looked funny. She doesn't clarify whether or not Bob survived that particular. Was it Bob? It's not that incident. Well, no, just collapse. Yeah, just looks at that. Collapse, we leave him collapse. Okay, yes, fair enough. I think, yeah, sorry, Lisa, you are in the same club as us. After all.

Yeah, thanks for emailing. We've had a very curious email from John. My dear beans, I'm writing to let you know that I've been a since the podcast for around a year now. And I've had no clue that Sean Bean is a real actor. I don't know. I can't help you there, John. I don't know what John's expecting from this. And not just a combination of sounds that you've put together to create a mascot for

your famous lounge. It was only during the discussion of Paul McGann that it dawned on me that the little cartoon Bean coincidentally called Sean who had existed in my head for the past year is a complete lie. I wonder if other American listeners have gone through a similar experience, all the best, John. I don't... with the greatest of respect, John, I don't think so. I think he's quite a well-known entity on both sides of the pond. Who's in order? The rings, for God's sake. He was. You're trying to tell me, you've not seen sharp. You've not seen Ronin Ronin.

You've not seen golden eye. Golden eye. You've not seen the field. You've not seen always on my. You've not seen wicked blood. You've not seen the snow queen to the snow king. You've not I can't be lost's a film called The Snow Queen 2. Colon.

The Snow King. And there's The Snow Queen 3. The Snow Queen 2. Colon. The Snow Queen 2. Colon. The Snow King 2. Colon.

The Snow King 2. Colon. The Snow Duke. The Snow King 2. The Snow King 2. The Snow King 2. The Snow King 2. The Snow King 2. The Snow King 2. The Snow King 2. The Snow King 2. Colon the snow Duke. Starting porn again. Starting porn again.

So this guy, you're telling me this guy's not seen Jupiter ascending. He's not seen the young Messiah. He's not seen Kings, Glave. Colon final fantasy 15. Seen drone or dark river. He's not so, he's not seen Tamiya. He's not seen possessives. Not seen Wolf Walkers.

He's not seen mummies. Knights of the Zondiac. And he's not seen any of the episodes of Sharp. Such as Sharp's Company, Sharp's Enemy, Sharp's Gold, Sharp's Battle, Sharp's Sword, Sharp's Regiment, Sharp's Siege, Sharp's Mission, Sharp's Revenge, Sharp's Justice, Sharp's Waterloo, or Bravo 20. Yeah, come on, John, because we know, I mean, you're getting your pods. So we know you're not living in a Nevada cave. Also, the idea that John thought, I will come up with a fun mascot for the podcast. And he's, is it, it's a bean called Sean, like from

a standing start, that's a really weird decision, isn't it? Yeah. Well, sorry, John, sorry to go as a confusion and, and, and distress, but I think distress but I think you've got to do the work John, okay? And this is a, you can't just come to a podcast like this unless you've got to do the work. Can I say, John must have no interest in the fantasy genre I'm going to say because of his circle of free genre or historical militaries, because if you've got any interest in those genres, he's ubiquitous. Yeah, he's create every film. He's also excellent at saying,

bring me a horse. He can imbue that with great meaning. He doesn't just mean bring me a horse. He means, I'm going to do something on that horse. Yeah, he's pretty funky. Bring me a horse. Can you have a look at my horse? And I think some problems just a bit gammy at the bottom. I'm not sure what it is. Just have a

give it a once over. It's not hard to say it's salty. Horse sometimes. But give it a once, but we know what he's not good at saying. He's not good at saying, I'm forever blowing bubbles. He's very bad at that. Very good example. He's also very bad at saying, I'd like to hire a city run around for like 10 days. So I like those little fiats. The, I do like that little,

because I bring me a Fiat 500. Doesn't work with him. They've tried it, of course they have. Doesn't work. Can you just talk us through the clutch just because I'm used to driving a, I don't normally drive stick, but it was a lot cheaper to hire this, to hire a stick for this. I know, I come across as someone who could drive stick, but it was a lot cheaper to hire this to hire stick for this. I know I come across as someone who could drive stick because I'm gritty. Gritty. I'm actually using automatic

for a long time. Yeah, I'm actually, it's hard to believe I'm rubbish at stick. Well, of course horses are all stick. They're all stick. No, it's a tail stick. Well, no, all horses are automatic, aren't they? Yeah, you see, you're sitting on the stick. Well, no, all horses are automatic, aren't they? Yeah, you used to be sitting on the stick. Well, to be honest, they are a stick. So both of them are automatic. The stick is automatic. It's an automatic stick, exactly. It's time for listen to the Bollicking of the Week.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. Bollking loaded. Pete from Copenhagen. Dear beans, it pains me to write the email. I have a very relaxed attitude. Friends, both past and current, have described me as chill. Yet here I find myself emailing a podcast, being surprisingly lukewarm under the collar.

Uh-oh. At almost nine minutes since the episode T, I hear Ben reveal that he was, quote, in Europe for a number of weeks. I would assume when reflect only if I'm wrong, you never left Europe during those weeks. Even at the time of recording the episode, you are still in Europe. Do you know how the Kingdom is in Europe? PS, micro-bolic for Mike who later mentions seeing the joys of Europe. So this is to do with the fact that we're not in the EU but we're still part of the European

continent. Land, yeah, the European area. Is that what it's about? I mean, I'm going to say I'm reflecting, this is a reflectabolic. I'm going to bollock peace. I think I'm going to support you on this Ben, because I think it's clear we're talking about mainland Europe, but I think when we talk about Europe, it's a metonym for the other, for the, for the, for the better life, a better way of life. It's more interesting, it's more varied, there's better foods, there are trams that work well. It's a dream escape. Hot hazelnuts and chocolate have not just held hands, they have essentially had sex with each other. And do you mean the hazelnuts and the chocolate are one in Europe aren't they? Yeah, like the fawn and the goat. Yeah. Yeah. Britain has always stood apart from the continent to an extent, a bridge, one would say,

across the Atlantic, the special relationship, hands over the water. There's always been a degree of separation between Britain and Europe. I don't deny that we are part of Europe, the continent. We are part of Europe, the culture to an extent, but I think it's clear when we say I'm in Europe, we mean mainland Europe. I think that's, people understood what we meant. Where we go to escape. Yeah, when we can. I wasn't saying that Britain isn't in Europe, of course it is. Well, we're sort of in and we're out aren't we? Do we sort of like? I'm too hot for this. I'm trying me in the autumn. I just think it's about colloquial speech more than here, is it? Yeah, so we're in geographically, we're out politically and economically,

but we've always been out holiday-makeringly. That was that. Perfect. Yeah, That's what I think that's not that. That's good as they can do. I mean, Pete, it might have been that we accepted that, but if you try and Pollock someone, when it's 27 degrees centigrade, they're going to be crotchety anyway, you're going to get bollock back. Take that Pete. Yeah. Take that hot bollock. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon Patreon.com For a sash, free paid salad.

Thanks to all of you who've signed up on the Patreon. Thank you. Thank you very much indeed. Patreon, you can get at every episode, you get a monthly bonus episode, also you get early access where possible to live show tickets, which came to pass this week, where they all sold out basically to a picture on listeners.

That's true. And we do plan on doing more live stuff, enjoy the live stuff, we love stuff, it's an awful lot of fun, so we'd like we've got a kind of kind of keen to get some more of those going when we can. And not when it's this hot. Oh god, in this heat, no. Not on this bloody heat, no, no, no. Come on. But Yeah, I think the aspiration certainly is to do a few more live shows around the place and spread ourselves a little bit more Yeah, we need to yeah to sign on up if you fancy it

You know, we're talking about the likes of Durham donkaster eight Wallsaw shrewss, rosebree. I love man. All under consideration. Sark. Silly Isles. Truro.

Bodmen. Gibraltar. Diego Garcia. And the fault clowns. We should do a British Crown Protector at store. And the fault clums. We should do a British Crown Protector at store. A Turks and K-Gost special. The Bermuda Files.

Yeah, anywhere essentially there is an island that has a Union Jack in the corner of the flag and then whatever else on the rest of it. We're booking in. There usually a Union Jack in the top corner right there, and then under that, there'll be a little picture of a laptop with the counting software on it. Yeah, with the counting software on it. Yeah. So, yeah, that's going to be the full flag. And then finishing the tour, of course, on HMS Arc Royal. And then finishing the tour, of course, on HMS Ark Royal. As it reclaims the Sui's canal. Yeah, so do consider the Patreon. If you sign up at the Sean Bean T of the Patreon, you're going to shout out from Mike in the

Sean B lounge. Mike was there just last night. I was, I was indeed. Where, of course, it was the... It was the tax information barbecue. LAUGHTER It was the tax information barbecue, thank you Henry. And here's my report.

MUSIC The paper shredders were freshly oiled and marinated courtesy of Danny Amy, and the 70-meter high marble shornbeen head in the shornbeen lounge was adorned with Susie White's green-tinted family heirloom mega-visor for this year's tax information barbeque. Chris Bull and Sam Fields, sausage haven was as popular as ever, and included Rory Ashley's seminar, catch up or mustered, faking your own death by injury or plague, Ben Jones' cocktail sausage networking event for bribeable officials, and Eddie Shepard's masterclass in concealing unregistered diamonds in a pile of fried onions.

Laura Isabel and Michael Pellanski's update on bilateral advance pricing arrangements from the perspective of a pork chop was confusing but visually spellbinding. Emily's undeclared spicy chicken wings were were underdone and led Noah Lawson, Dejon No Teyab and Mike Watch to spend most of the event in the spectacular came an island-themed box, replete with palm leaf bog roll and toilet system turtle safari all at a scorching 27 degrees Celsius. Beth Speak, Rebecca, Mike Lolon and Dan Honeywell used barbecue prawn cababs to create a scale model of the temps for their guide to the best bridges in London for hanging game or Mafia banking snitches. Patrick O'Connell reprised his role as the inheritance tax burger. Thomas L. Sings land-filled duty-inspired brisket was as tangy as ever,

and Ketchia Ognanova's lecture in the Hoggrove's suite, pulled Porquies, tax evasion and slow-cooked meats in a post-truth age, absolutely stank of Apple's side of vinegar, but was standing room-only. Since the last barbecue, Alistair Miller and Paul Develin have swapped places on the IMF's 10 Most Wanted list, and so exchanged ceremonial cycling picks. A moving moment captured then eaten by Cahney Haynes in the form of a beef-chiros fresco. Naris Lewis' transactional net margin method chicken-souvlaki competition was won by Lockie, with Bucke Marko, Fung Gordon Murphy taking joint silver for their double-depping Jargeek-e-innovation, and James Carp being disqualified for an incorrect ratio of red peppers to travel expenses receipts on the skewer. Mark Marlow was delighted that his crunchy tropical barbecue crab shell-on-shell company

Doosentote's Limerick Corner had its lowest death toll in five years, and Isabelle's corner-on-the-cob-in- Voicing presentation was an unmitigated disaster. Thanks all. So that's the podcast. We all finished with a version of our theme tune sent in by a listener. This week it is Ben from Braiman. Thank you Ben.

He says hi beans. I had some time on my hands after listening to the Essence of Fear episode. So I made this Twangles and Chunks version. Twangles and Chunks. Twangles and Chunks. Twangles and Chunks. Well, thank you, Ben, and thank you, everyone for listening. See you next week.

Bye. Thank you very much. Goodbye. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc

1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc

1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc Thank you.