Three Bean Salad - Zeppelins

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

Michael of Bremen gets the chat ball rolling in this brand new series by suggesting this week’s topic of zeppelins. Mechanised frogs, hamperisation and of course buououououoys all play a vital part. Also the beans thwart a possible attempt at an AI world takeover (or unwittingly enable it - hard to tell at the time of writing).Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

So I've been using same dry cleaner for years. It charges an absolute ruddy fortune. I found another dry cleaner. Basically, I needed some, I need some, some buttons stuck back on some trousers, and a shirt, and there's something else. What else has buttons on? Teddy bear's eyes. It wasn't Teddy bear's eyes. They didn't get asked that very often. What was it? Oh, coat. Yeah, I had three. So over the last seven years, I've made mental note when I've got

enough things to that need buttons put back on, I'll learn how to put buttons back on. You know, this sort of micro tasks that sit around in your home, you know, I need to sow this on that. I need to run that through with a sword. I need to run through him with a sword. I need to scrape that I need to defungalize this. I need to acid bath them. You know, those little, those little, there's little mundane tasks which increasingly form the the main content and meaning of

one's life. Yeah, you know those ones until all other meaning is lost. Yeah, until all other meanings lost those ones. So so one of them was was um, oh, yeah, buttons. Oh, another one, for example, I've had recently is I must think of some way to put those batteries. So that that's been that's been because I've been holding them for three years. And they're starting to oxidize my hand. It's a complex process. Don't fully

understand it. And now semi transparent and they also have an oily sheen. Although one of the triple A's has fully recharged amazing. It's supposed to be disposable. Um, yeah. Um, yes, okay, where to put those batteries. That kind of thing. And these things, they almost sort of operate, they're sort of bubbling away, aren't they? At a certain level, occupying chunks of brain time, sort of almost permanently around the clock, getting in the way of that great novel, getting in the

way of that bloody great novel, which I tell you what, if I could only have worked at where to put those batteries. You could have written battery hand. Right, what do you know? Right, what do you know? Battery hand, they're calling it the new game of thrones. Battery hand, except for instead of a complicated series of family and political intrigues set in a medieval parallel realm.

It's the story of a man with quite a hot rest. Starting John B. The terrible decision to put those batteries in his dominant hand. That was the one mistake he made. And remember, the hand that carries the batteries is the hand that eventually gets tired. There'll be certain that we lines like that, won't there, that really resonate with people.

Hmm. Similar soundtrack, not the same as the game of thrones, but similar. Everything in this kingdom is battery operated. Welcome to Bataraania. Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani Nani

I am the Jura Cell Bunny, the king of this kingdom. Just don't do anything for more than about 20 minutes because nothing really keeps going much longer than that. But they say a child will come with rechargeable battery system that you plug in and it recharges and that will change everything, but it sort of doesn't really work and didn't I say unto thee, plug into what? We've seen episode four, the the sketch slowly runs down

wedding where everyone's about to get max terrible. Everyone's about to get married. And that's when they begin the quest. The fellowship begins the quest for the socket, isn't it? That's right. Yeah. And is the socket actually real? I don't know. Maybe it's the journey for the socket. But in a way, we are all batteries. It's rumoured to be guarded by a small plastic cover that's quite snug and quite difficult to get off without a

knife. And then you sort of put a slice of chunk out your finger and a bit out of the wall at the same time. And then ultimately, you're sticking a knife in a socket, which is bad news. Which is how it ends. Well, I don't want no spoilers, but yeah. So it's the buttons, right? So I was gonna get these buttons. So I thought, you know what? Actually, I was standing there and I was thinking to myself, you know what, maybe I will learn

how to do the buttons. But I thought, I really can't, I just can't be asked to learn how to sew in the buttons. Even I bought a sewing kit for that very purpose between between three and four years ago. Did you know that in a hotel, a sewing kit is one of the things you can just ask for? Really? Yeah.

Is that like a sort of universal? Yeah. Yeah, I like that kind of thing. Like as a legal obligation. Mini kettle. Bible. Do you owe, do you owe bourbons pack? Shortbreads, small iron that emits sort of a guff of shit smear across any eye.

For example, 20 minutes before you have to leave, you do a show, that kind of thing. A kettle o' piss. Oh, the old kettle o' piss. It's such a great tradition. You know, you've got a kettle o' piss, you know, it's been a kettle o' piss many, many times for many a long, long year. Was that because a hungover businessman has has pissed into

the kettle because he got he can't make it to the bathroom or he's doing it to a hurry. It's just part of a long tradition. It's 1984. I'm a busy businessman. I haven't got time for this. I'm going to have to piss in the kettle, boil my own hot piss, pour that on the burp. Mash it up, smoke two cigarettes and head to my morning meeting with the soda stream guys.

Is that is that what that's from? Yes. That's where it started. Yeah. Yeah, it's also so you know that Mike is that Mike is currently on tour. He's been staying in the hotels across the country. You know, Mike's been staying there when you go in to clean the room and the kettle o' piss is boiling hot. Well, he's left on a right. He likes to leave it on a roiling boil. Is that boiling?

I taped down the button so it keeps boiling. Disabled things it keeps going leaves it roiling boiling and roiling at the same time. Can I just say guys, to the listener, welcome back to a new series of three been Sam, the show where me, Ben Partridge, Henry Packer and Mike Wozniak talk about a topic sent in by the listener. Oh yeah, that's right. Well, maybe it is.

Maybe it's time to shuffle along in that direction. Fire up the OB machine. I was going to ask you both how how your mouth off was. I feel it has felt like a long time. It has was it was it four weeks? Was it a five? It wasn't a five. Was it was it February? That's not even a four. It's barely a four. It's the smallest month. Yeah, it's the most round. Yeah, it's just a leftover month, isn't it? It's not

proper month. It's just a collection of offcuts from other months, isn't it? Your birthday? That's true. I did have my birthday. Went for a nice meal. Costa It's the one day in the year I don't go to Costa because I'm already in Costa. I spend the whole day in Costa,

but I didn't go to it. So I sneak Let me wake up there. It's the one day I don't go to Costa. So yes, I'm in Costa and I leave Costa the day after my birthday. It's a fully Costaised experience. I breakfast on the sausage.

Bun. Yeah. And a packet of crisps. I don't have my first time and the good wishes of the staff in your birthday. No, no. No, we're way past that, man. Way past that.

We might issue you with a writ of some sort, perhaps. Yep, that's how it's happened. You know, something something I learned recently, I went to another cafe chain recently. I didn't know if I can. Well, is it? Okay, let's say I'm not gonna say which cafe chain it was. But it certainly might have been twiddling its thumbs when Roan burned. Oh, no, fiddling, not twiddling, fiddling, fiddling. Hello. Nero.

That's right. It's not twiddling its thumbs because it's fiddling as in playing the fiddle. Anyway, there's a Nero that I know. And it is the most God forsaken fucking. It's an absolute wreck of a place. I mean, you can still smoke in Nero's, can't you? I don't know, you can still you can still do fox hunting in a cafe or a tatsa. That's right. And the death penalty is still very much very much live and kicking in the pumpkin cafe.

They've got their own jurisdictions these places. That's right. But in this cafe Nero, they said to me that I said something like what's going on like because this place is so shit. What's going on? Basically, it's polite. Yes, I could. I asked him that. There's a huge stain on the ceiling. Wow. It was just growing and a smell that occasionally suggesting a seeping body has been kept directly above it. I think possibly a seeping body.

But so I used to work in the basement area. Occasionally, there'd be like an intermittent, it was an intermittent smell then it became more and more regular. Then it was mainly the smell you'd notice. Oh, okay. Oh, there's not there's no smell. You'd notice it when there wasn't a smell. And there's a stain and and the toilet sort of it looked like it felt like you were in a deep sea wreck. It felt like yeah, it felt like you were in a toilet. Yeah, on a sort of in the wreckage of a

suspended stricken skeletons. The stricken skeleton grasping onto a doubloon doubloon in one hand, cutlass in the other. Yeah. And yes, I very much had that vibe. But basically, one of the staff members explained to me, and I've noticed this in other cafes now, where, for example, the the lock didn't work on the loo. And it wasn't fixed. It wasn't fixed in

weeks and months. And, and then like the internet will stop working and it'll be weeks and months and it'll never get fixed. And eventually, I asked this guy working on what's going on. And he said that basically, they've the franchise will sometimes essentially cut off all funding to a branch and just let it go. And it becomes a ghost Nero. And it is like you're in a ghost ship. It is, it's just floating free. It has no it's not been given any sustenance and

they're letting it run down a Roanin Nero, a rudderless Roanin Nero that is just wild and out there. But it's deteriorating. Did you ever think about what it says about you that you were choosing to go to all the cafes in London, you chose to go to the Nero with no funding that they've been cut off? He did say to me, if you could just stop coming, they will finally close it down. When it could also that thing without to trade off with me,

it became that it was therefore very quiet Nero. So on the one hand, on the one hand, it was good for me. And you thought there was a vacuum of leadership that you thought you could fill. I could fill. I could maybe I could captain this Nero. I'm going to the toilet to grab myself a cutlass. Time for the first time in this series to turn on the beam machine.

Okay, thank you to everyone who sent in their suggestions for topics for the beam machine. If you'd like to do that, send it 123beanSaladPod at gmail.com and Michael did that very thing Michael from Bremen. Thank you, Michael. Sent in. Zeplins. Oh, do you still get zeplins? Oh, and is there a difference between a zeppelin and a blimp? So I think blimp, there's nobody traveling in a blimp. It's just, oh, that's case. You put the word on the site, you know,

Michelin or whatever it is they put on good year. Oh, good year blimp. That's right. Sorry. That's it. I don't know. I said, I can't remember the last time I've seen an airship as a zeppelin, you know, with passengers, weren't they on the way to Zurich? Wasn't it just like a one off idea that happened during the crazy days of World War Two or something as a way of pre pre war? Was it pre war, pre World War Two?

Yeah, when was the Hindenburg? So yeah, here we go 37 in New Jersey. Oh, so it wasn't German. New Jersey. Manchester, New Jersey. I'm so sure it was like a middle Europa. Yes, my thought job. This I think this is this bodes, bodes badly for this episode.

When we start googling stuff, it tends to be. Yes, that's quite bad radio. That's true. That's true. Speaking of bad radio. There's an episode we never released called covered markets that we have mentioned before. I'm going to put it out. I found this on the Patreon. Did you listen to it for the Sean Beaners or for everybody?

It would be just Sean Bean Patrons, I think. Did you listen to it? I have listened to it. It's fine. It's not the very first one. It's not as bad as we thought it might be. I had a feeling it might be fine. Yeah.

I think we had higher standards at the beginning. I think I think, you know, in the beginning, we didn't say things like, it's fine. Did we? We were like, it's exceptional. Or it's in the bin. I think that was how Mike started our first meeting, saying that. Do you remember?

Only the best will do. And the bin is itself exceptional as a bin. So it's bad radio. So let's not, let's not, we won't Google it, will we? We won't Google the Hindenburg. It probably was, yeah, I think Ben's probably right. So I mean, just from memory, it's a German, it was German. It was a commercial passenger carrying airship, I think, wasn't it?

Interesting. I believe it was rigid, wasn't it? Yeah. In some places, I think, yeah. Certainly in places, isn't it? Too rigid, some might say. In terms of, was it the longest class of flying machine of its type? I would say it was.

Certainly. Certainly by envelope volume. I mean, that's the only way. If we're not talking envelope volume, then all bets are off, you know, like, I can't say. But that's the unit you're comfortable with, isn't it? It's envelope volume. And so I assume that was measured in the same way it is now, which is you have a large stencil with different envelope shapes and you pass it through, don't you?

To see which, if it's a large letter or a zeppelin. Yeah, a large letter, a small package or zeppelin, because the zeppelin is going to cost you a lot more. You're going to have to bloody queue as well, because you're not going to put that strength through the box, you're going to have to check in with one of the people buying the counter. We probably suggest you do insure it, and you're going to want to go signed for, aren't you? I'd say. Who do you reckon it was named after? Probably Paul Hindenburg?

Yeah, Paul, I assume you mean you mean Field Marshal Paul Von Hindenburg, don't you? Sorry, I just, yeah, yeah, obviously Paul Hindenburg. I could never think of 1934 without thinking of his death. They sort of fall into a similar category to me as hovercrafts, which are machines that were invented, and people must have thought, we've absolutely cracked this. Because it's not on the sea, but it's on the sea. And you don't really see them very much. I have been on, have you ever been on a hovercraft?

Quite a few times. There used to be a regular feature of life, because near where I grew up, there was a, what was it, HMS Daedalus? There was a kind of base where there was a bunch of hovercrafts, and you could get a hovercraft to the Isle of Wight, for example. If you really want to get to the Isle of Wight in a hurry, you might get a hovercraft. And if you didn't want to drink a very, very hot coffee on the way. No, they would, they would skim. That was a thing. That was quite, that was the exciting bit about the ride is they'd get really fast, and they would bounce off, you would be airborne, periodically airborne. I remember getting it and thinking, imagining before I got on,

that it was going to, you're kind of floaty on air, right? It's just going to be this wonderfully hover, exactly. Yeah, for about three seconds. And then it turns out the opposite, it's very noisy, and incredibly bouncy. And you're banging, you're banging, and you're like, I never thought of water as hard. It's incredibly hard. No one is leaving the toilets on that hovercraft, other than utterly shame-faced. Yeah, it's almost worth sitting outside the exit of the toilet seat. You are the Cattle-O-Piss, basically. Every toilet is in an utter catastrophe. Well, they need toilets, which have to have doors on the top as well, on the front. Okay, okay. Here we go. Pinball piss. Here we go. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

I've got my helmet on. I've got my elbow pads. Let's do this. Yeah, because it was a lot of up and down, a lot of crunching. Yeah, the other thing which I thought was disappointing about the hovercraft when I used it, is that the whole point of a hovercraft is it's amphibious, isn't it? It's a mechanized frog, yeah? You've got all the benefits of a frog. And none of the downsides of a frog. It was very unlikely to be nabbed by a golden eagle at any point. Exactly. A Frenchman's not going to try and lop off your legs, stick them in a salty stew. Is that okay to say? Is that okay? And also, the benefits of a frog, for example.

Quite nice in a salty stew. And of course, if you've ever seen hovercrafts reproducing, isn't it? Absolutely. Hovercraft spawn is amazing. Hovercraft spawn is exceptional, isn't it? Yeah, it used to really clog up the solent, I seem to remember. That's right. Of course, some of you will think you've seen what you would commonly refer to as a buzzer. As a boy. A floating boy. If you see what you think is a floating boy, that is a spare piece, bit of hovercraft spawn, isn't it? It's just floating around on high seas.

It's just waiting to be sort of spunked on by another hovercraft. That's right, just on by a hovercraft. So yeah, it's frog technology. But okay, what are the great things about frogs? But they're their main bonus, which makes them, you know... So feared. Is their knife work. Which is why they're so feared and respected, of ducks, of geese, of various fowl, of otters, and of so many of the pond folk, isn't it?

No, because they can go in the water and the land. No one else can do that. They can go in the water and the land, they're amphibious. Whereas the hovercraft, you're all right, we've got to Dover, now take me home. You're a hover, what's the fucking point that you might as well have been on a boat? You've never seen going up and down the street, the high street. Keep going, that's the whole point that you're not using half of this technology. This would be like a frog who's never left the pond. It would be by any other name, a trout. Sorry, carry on.

Sorry, Ben. Why wasn't there one that went to central London? Yeah, that makes sense. Exactly. It's a hovercraft, it's amphibious. There should be a hovercraft corridor up from the south coast. Yeah, of people banging up and down, like dentures flying and specks smashing and just but getting you all covered in piss. But getting you all the way home. Yeah, that's a good point.

But no, you're right, hovercraft, isn't that category of technology where they, when they nailed it. Oh, they must have thought. They must have thought this is holy. Don't tell anyone. Let's just enjoy this, Ben, before we tell everyone. Just think. We can open the first direct leal to lester route.

It's never been done before. It's the two elves. We can join the two great elves. Also, I think I might be wrong. I think they're like a British thing, right? Really? I think they're invented by a Brit. Am I wrong?

I don't know. It feels like a very British thing to say. Yes, it feels like you're the product of British schooling. That's the sort of thing that we're supposed to train to assume at any point. Yes, you're right. We invented, we found it rather than we just nicked it off someone somewhere. Oh, no, I've gone on Google and in 1915, the Austrian Daggerburtmuller von Thoma will. How could you, how could you have forgotten Dagger, Dagger von Gilbert von

Schnummerfurt, what's he called? Daggerburtmuller von Thoma will built the world's first air cushion boat. Luftkiss Engelibut. And he just launched Muller yogurts on the side then. That wasn't even his name. That's what funded it. But then presumably, presumably then Peregrine hovercraft performed trickleasing it.

Cambridge heard about the idea, nabbed it, brought it home. The idea of the modern hovercraft is most often associated with Christopher Cockerel, a British mechanical engineer. There you go. He went over and just, I just nicked. Doosed von Dilbert on the head. Yeah. Hang on, Cockerel came across the key concept in his design

when studying the ring of airflow when high pressure air was blown into the annular area between two concentric tin cans, open brackets, one coffee and another cat food, closed brackets and a hairdryer. So, I didn't understand literally any of that. It doesn't, I don't think it does make sense. That's intentional. You see, that's to disguise his plagiarism. He fired a hairdryer at some cat food.

Yeah, it's a clearly a bullshit. I mean, that's, he's up in front of the patent committee saying, well, we've got this Austrian guys as he invented it. He's like, no, no, no, all right. Well, how do you come up with it then? I did, well, I had gone over it. He had, I had, I had, I had, I had a hairdryer, a hairdryer. Yeah.

Yeah, with what were you doing with it? I had it like it was a cat food. What tin, there was a tin and there was another tin. Bullshit, cockerel, get out. Bullshit. Yeah. It sounded like there was a robots anus involved there. He said the, were there robots?

I didn't use the phrase robot anus. No, but that's a very interesting piece of word association, isn't it, Henry? That's where you went. But you said the annular hole between two tin cans. I did say something about that. I said, high pressure air, high pressure air was blown into the annular area between two concentric tin cans. And so that's the, is that a description of how the first overglow was invented, is it? Well, according to Christopher Cockrell, yes.

Oh, that's Christopher. We can't take it from Cockrell, can we? No, we can't take it from Cockrell. You know what I reckon happened? Cockrell went to visit him in a Viennese tea room and said, what's he called? Hella dick butt. Yeah. Dagger butt, mule of on tomah mule.

Dagger butt on a sort of false pretext. He just said he wants him to sign one of his yogurts. I want you to sign one, can I have a sign of yoghurt, please? It's my mother's birthday. Where? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Can I have a sign of yoghurt, please? It's my mother's birthday.

Dagger butt, can we sit in the corner? And he said, Dagger butt, can you please sign one of your famous yogurts? I've invented a fountain pen which writes in strawberry compote. You're saying that Christopher Cockrell invented the mule of corner? He certainly claimed to, yes. And then Muller stole a lot of him and then to get him back he stole the hovercraft off him by saying that he'd blown a hair dryer into a robot's anus. Look, I never would have said no one's invented robots yet, so he had to say,

all right, it was a cat food. I'm just asking the questions, Ben. I reckon what he would have done then is from the era, he'd have said to Dick, but before we start this meeting, please, would you like to have a quick look into this interesting, into this fascinating box of curiosity? This box of curiosities. And Dick, what were you thinking? Why is he saying box of curiosities over and over again?

And while he was asking himself that question, he snapped his... Well, that's why happens, he snaps the box and suddenly Dick but it's trapped in. He's like, oh, no, I am now one of the curiosities. Snap the lid of the box of... Well, he is the curiosities, it turns out. Is that the twist? Forever, trapped inside the box of curiosities. Right.

And Dr. Cockrell goes back to the UK. And... I don't think he's a doctor. It's not even that he's a real Cockrell, though. He's a real bloody Cockrell, saying that much. Have either of you ever been up in a hot air balloon? No. I think I became very troubled by it on the day that I realized that there's...

There's no piloting going on, really, is there? Is there not? You're completely at the mercy of the wind, like where you went up. Is it like plastic bag in the breeze? Yeah. That's the level of... You don't know where you're going. Control.

Maybe that's why they didn't... You've got to very much rely on the will of someone possibly following you or picking you up where you land, wherever that is, however many hours later. I also think the experience of doing a hot air balloon ride in Britain is someone buys it if he was a president, red light today thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. You call up. You say, oh, have you got any...

I can do this week. They say, sorry that I booked up. Can you do the next half term? No, sorry, I booked up. So you find the day you can do, you take a day off work. You get up at 4am, you drive to Gloucestershire, you get to the field. There, weird little bloke goes, oh, sorry, the weather forecast is not very good today. You'll have to go back home.

You drive home, you ring up HQ again. There was no sign of a hot air balloon anywhere in that field or anywhere near it. No, no. Or even a storage facility that could house it. You ring up again, you cut with another date, you take a day off work, you get up at 4am, you drive to Gloucestershire, you arrive, the same little Rumpelstiltskin guys there. Oh, sorry, love it. Yeah, he's got a new gold tooth, hasn't he?

There's not enough wind today, there's too much cloud cover. Sorry, you'll have to go home. I know what you're saying. I don't think it actually happens. I think it's largely a scam. And the ones we occasionally see in the sky, what are they? They're just projections in some way. Chromatic aberrations, they're called.

And it's what happens when, if someone's projecting an avatar of an ABBA member on the ground, there'll be a sort of refraction then up into the sky. Okay, in an area of high pressure. That's why if you look at them as hot air blowing through binoculars, you'll see a lot of them, they'll have a little beard because it'll be Benny. It's normally Benny, yeah. It's normally Benny, it's generally Benny. Or one of the members with an easier to remember name than the other, it tends to be, doesn't it?

But yeah, it's true. You know, I know what you're saying, Ben. It's the kind of thing which it'll just become a sort of like a sort of albatross around your neck, won't it? Be like, I've got to go and do this, buddy. Also, I think a lot of the time, what happens is, if you do manage to get on it, you go up. So the guy who's been talking to you every time, obviously every time you go,

and he says, sorry, I can't do it today, he's got like a gold tooth or a slightly nicer trainers. It's all working well for him, isn't it? If you do find, he does find, let you go up, you go up, and you get to a nice height, and you think, oh, this is nice. You're looking at the view, you're looking down. If you look down, and he'll, you'll, what you're saying is he'll, he'll, he'll be, you'll look down, and he'll be,

he'll be shagging someone you love. And stealing your car at the same time. And it occurs to me, not only that, but he probably should, he probably should have come with you in the bar. He probably should have done it. You thought, oh, I should have mentioned it, but I thought it was a bit awkward. So you look down, all you can see is you can see he's got quite a very, very white pasty bus at the end, and it'll be someone you love in that field.

But how's he managed to get my- He has written the instructions for how to operate the basket on his buttocks, but they're becoming increasingly difficult to read. It's very difficult. He's just left a tiny scoop in the basket. But you keep needing to look at them to get- You have to look as you need that information, which is taking you right where you don't want to go,

which is to see your, your favourite arms, or whoever it is, an uncle or brother, just someone you love. Anybody, has he coordinated with them? Has he done it with them? Have they? Because my aunts did buy me this experience. My aunts. What kind of a plate was my art?

It's all on Auntie Tabitha's coin. What's going on? Who's pulling the strings here? It should be me pulling the strings. Hang on a minute. Oh, I'm going in the wrong direction. It's quite, quite good. And also, yeah, it's the only hot air balloons, isn't it?

It's the only technology where you're transported in a full, replete Fortman Mason's hamper, isn't it? Full of chutneys, cheeses, and obviously those are the things which you then throw out if you're getting too low, high or low. You've got your ballast cheeses, your ballast chutneys. Well, no, that's not the case, that's not the case at all, Henry. Is that not right then?

No, there's no, there's no cheeses, hams, chutneys, anything in there. That's what happens when you land, is you turn into that. The impact. Are your patties? That's where the Fortman Mason's get their patay from. Exactly, on impact, your pataid, a lot of your internal fluids turn into chutneys,

which are then jarred. Well, obviously the bone jellies, the bone jellies, but that level of impact also, bam. So flavoursome. Conservesome. Conservesome, bam, preserve. Preserves, conserves. Yeah, you've got...

Bam, pork pie with an egg through the middle. Well, once there was your bonts. Whammo, jar of Victorian toffees, isn't it? All the bits of you just... Yeah, mega compressed spine, yeah. So you become that hamper. Yeah. The other downside of the hot air balloon ride

is you have to, by law, I think, propose to whoever you're with. That's right. And that can be... That's right. You know, depending on who you're with, that can be a real problem. Again, one of the reasons it hasn't caught on is a way of getting around,

along with the fact that you can't control where you're going. You have to watch a close family, remember we're loved ones, being shagged. And of course, the hamperization of your... Internal organs. Your body. Yeah, there's a fact that you have to... You have to propose, don't you?

So sometimes, if that's just like a random Dutch tourist, it's just... It's quite awkward, isn't it? Because if you do survive the hamperization, you then have to live out... Well, a long and loveless marriage, yeah. You're right. A long and loveless marriage with a...

With a perfectly nice Dutch person. Might get an EU passport out of it, though. Down the line. Well, you're talking about when you're semi-hampered. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So bits of you will be chucking your eyes. If you've landed in a bog or a bit of a softer landing, you know. That's right.

But even if you do get that EU passport, Mike, you can't sell your paté into the single market from Britain. That has to stay in Britain. Oh, you're down to zero in terms of assets. Yeah, absolutely. And you may be chutney from the shoulders up, for example. Yeah, that's true. You might not even be able to import your remaining self

onto the European mainland. Yes, that becomes... Because you're transporting foodstuffs. Can you claim that you are bringing your own head on the journey in order to eat it? On route. That's the kind of area we're getting into, isn't it? Which is why it's always worth taking a packet of Ritz cheese biscuits

or any sort of cracker with you on a hot air balloon journey, isn't it? So that you can then claim later on that you were, if you're semi-chutnerized. Yeah. Well, that's what British businesses are currently having to do, aren't they? They've got lorry drivers having to...

I mean, sometimes we'll be sat down in Calais and they'll have to literally sit there while the board of patrols watch them eat a dishwasher because they have to present all of the dishwashers in the back of the lorry. What do we eat on route? It's a snack for... Yeah.

Tough times. So that's Zeplins. That is Zeplins, isn't it? I think so, yeah. Yeah, really good. Really great stuff. OK, time to read your emails. Good morning, Postmaster.

Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress, like a robot shoeing a horse. Give me your horse. My beautiful horse! Let's start off with one from Josh.

OK. Josh says, Hello Beans, I've always found the Jingles to be one of the most enjoyable parts of the podcast. Oh, I like this email, Josh. What a start to an email. However... That's better.

That's more like it. Lovely. There is one jingle that has confused me every episode since it was added. The email jingle. It's only today that I finally realised that it is saying like a robot shoeing a horse and not like a robot shoeing a horse.

What? I'll say it again. It's only today that I realised that it is saying like a robot shoeing S-H-O-E-I-N-G a horse and not like a robot shoeing S-H-O-O-I-N-G a horse. This has entirely transformed the narrative of the jingle. My initial impression was a robot shoeing a horse, double O, as if to say,

Get out of here. You're not needed anymore. I'll deliver the mail from now on. Can I say how delightfully naive that he thinks that when the robots do finally get rid of the horses, they'll do it as politely and shoeing. Mate, get on some websites, read about AI, read about what's coming up.

It is not there. They were not going to be shoeing anything out of the way. It's going to be a thousand ball bearings through that horse. Isn't it? It'll be four hooves. That's all we left. It'll be four hooves and a smell. And its name in the air, briefly.

Excelsior. Yeah, and it'll be gone. And those hooves they will take, because it's the hardest part of a horse, they'll take those shoes, those hooves, and use them to make more robots. Yeah, I thought they'd throw you. Well, it may be that Josh isn't quite as naive as you think.

He writes, Without the crucial detail of the robot putting horse shoes on the horse, it sounds like the robot is threatening a horse at gunpoint. Demanding the horse's hoof, and then riddling the horse with bullets, when the horse failed to comply, much to the owner's distress. So it turns out that Josh very much accords with your view of...

He does know about AI. In fact, actually, I'd like to get together with Josh and maybe bounce some ideas around to do with the future of AI, because he sounds like he really knows about AI. And actually, if he's got any ideas, I'm looking for investment opportunities, both ways to invest in and also to be invested in... So, yeah, let's get together.

Let's talk. In fact, I'm actually already starting to think he might actually be an AI. Okay, well, if you can physically meet Henry, you'll be the Nero's. And if we can't... Have a Wednesday afternoon. It's a shadow Nero.

It's a ghost Nero. So if you are an AI and you can only be experienced through a download, let me know before I go to the ghost Nero, because they haven't got a wife anymore, I'll download you onto my... I mean, obviously, you let me know how it works. But if I need to download you onto my system, I'll do that before I leave the house.

Anyway, carry on. This, in turn, confused me even more about the word being used. And they made me wonder if there was a missing letter T and the word being said was shooting, since that is what seemed to be happening. Can I say, this Josh guy, guy or AI, whatever he is, or drone avatar, whatever the hell he is. I take my hat off to the way he's still going with this email.

I take my hat off to him. And literally, I've absolutely no idea what he's on about. But it's actually... It's just there's a persistence to it that I really admire. Slash fear if he's an AI. I'm going on. After realizing my mistake over a year later, everything has fallen into place.

The robot is simply putting horseshoes on a horse. Although I'm still uncertain if the cry of, my beautiful horse at the end is a cry of delight at the newly shod horse or distress at a mangled job. Well, it's not for us to say these things, is it? It's, you know, you take what you... You take what you. The jingle is the jingle.

You take from it what you will. I'd also say that if he was actually a human, he would just get it. I see. Do you think this is like a kind of blader on a test to understand the emotional subtext of a jingle? I think we're dealing with an AI. He may be a physical AI.

Have we discovered a way to root out AIs in future? Is this the beginning of the resistance? In the shorter term, it's simply a replacement of how many of these squares contain a horse or whatever it is at the moment. You know what I mean? To check if you're a robot when you're buying stuff. It could be, listen to this jingle

and write down any ideas that it sparks. That might be the new test. Well, Josh writes, I don't know if there's anyone else who's made the same mistake as me and not realised it, but if so, hopefully this is enlightening. So maybe he's actually... He's looking to connect with other AIs.

He's talking to the other AIs out there and he's saying don't get caught out. I wonder if we should even be reading this out of talk because we might be unwisely broadcasting. He's trying to create a network, isn't he? He's trying to create a network. Yeah, we're an unwisely network. We're part of the network.

Yeah, we're a pawn. We don't want that to happen. I think we've just become a vassal podcast for the robot takeover. I think you know what we should do. Let's make a decision now to definitely not... Collaborate. ...the email in it.

Collaborate. Let's be the Vichy podcast. Please, guys, if you wouldn't mind. But what I think we should do is, let's make a decision to definitely not put out this email and not put this... So, if this isn't the podcast, that means that we have been... We've already started.

The robots are now our masters. And what I would do is, if you're listening to this at home, get all the electronic utensils you have together, flat-screen TVs, whisks, and a valve field each of them. And you might have to mock up a little ceremony. Oh, you're a whisking. And just try and do whatever you think the whisk would want you to do from now on,

which I imagine will be manually whisking stuff on its behalf. Crack some eggs in a bowl. Get your hands in. Use your head as a whisk. Use your head as a whisk. And can I say, if you've got a thrashing toddler in the house, use those legs. Do you know what I mean?

Just use those legs. And if you can make a meringue that holds, you may survive until the summer. But it's going to be probably the... It's entirely dependent on the caprice of the whisk. And they are a capricious utensil. Okay, yeah, carry on. May I suggest that at the apex of that network,

we would find our old friend, Spurbs. Because we've never, ever really, truly cracked with it. Not Spurbs is. Never cracked. Whose side was he on? His man on his own side. Have we? We don't know what side he's on,

except that we know he's on his side. But that then brings us back to the fact that we don't know what side he's on. But he's on his side. Which then leads to the question, what side is he on? But is he... Has he been hunkering down, reading up on, boning up on IT?

Well, on the topic of Spurbs. The idea that we discovered that eventually Spurbs turned out just to be a toaster. There would be really humbling stuff, wouldn't it? A Wi-Fi-enabled toaster. With one, two, three, four, five levels defrost and perturbs and podcasters setting. And that someone just left it on that back.

So it was just accidentally... So I want to nuke now, but it's just willy-nilly pressing it. He was trying to defrost some muffins. He was trying to pop up a bit of pita bread. But he's always the pop-up button. And he was worried about the pita bread being so hot on the inside that it would burn his hands. So he's flustered.

On the topic of Spurbs, we've had a rather concerning email signed from the Sons of Spurbs. Oh, my word. Now, this is a radical breakaway organisation. Absolutely terrifying, aren't they? The Sons of Spurbs. A lot of people say they're worse than Spurbs. They've taken his ideology, but they've twisted it. Obviously, it was already a twisted ideology.

We were hoping against hope that they would have twisted it back in the direction it had twisted from, and therefore, straightening the ideology. Unfortunately, that was... That was a... They've twisted it into full-further, aren't they? They've twisted it into full-further. Full-fusily.

It's an absolutely terrifying... Maybe even conjugly. It's a fusily of hate. It's a conjugly of despair. I'm joking. Get your colander out, because we've got a... A paneer of hope? A paneer of hope.

And the spaghetti of reason will hopefully be able to spread the... What, a suffocating carbonara of truth over the fusily? But, of course, a lot of that carbonara has actually ended up, unfortunately, just clogging up the... Clogging up the tubes, the penny tubes, and actually, we've got... The lardons were too fatty.

The lardons of justice? The lardons of justice. We're too fatty, you fools! You don't put creme fraiche in it, you idiot! The lardons are fatty enough in themselves! We could have used the pancetta of tomorrow! We're out of bay leaves of peace, for the love of God! You said you were going to get some more bay leaves of peace!

I'm in the fresh tarragon of hope, not the dried-up tarragon of hope. But we... Yes, I only make carion. So, we've had an email from the Sons of Spurbs. Yes, prescribed group. Read yourself. Terrifying people.

Dear bastards! I can't say if that's actually their most polite way of opening an email. We should be grateful we've got the dear bastards. And they do run a letter writing course, don't they, a master class? They do. Because that is a very, very attention-grabbing way of opening a letter. And it's normally got exclamation marks on it. Has it got that?

It's just a comma, though, so they're sparing us again. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. The Sons of Spurbs have spread their tendrils across the globe, while you've been on your tax-deductible holiday in your luxurious mega-yachts. All of that's true, yeah.

Mega-yachts eating mega-yachts, isn't it? That's what we do. Yeah. Built like a set of nesting dolls. Yacht-ception. More like bastard-ception. Yeah, this is all their classic rhetoric. This is all the techniques they use.

I mean, I mean, on an email doesn't sound that impressive. In front of a gathering of 2,000 or 3,000 people. Hooded people, yeah. A hooded git. This is a... Hooded git. It's a hooded whisks. Yeah, yeah.

The whisks will be spinning. The whisks will increase their spinning every time they hear bastard. That's that key word. They spin twice as they think the more they go on to top-setting, don't they? Setting three. Yeah. Plum-onge-setting. Okay.

Maybe your next live event will be nothing but a sea of Spurbs. Just waiting for you to slip up so we can all give you a live uni-bollocking. This next, but I don't understand. Think about that next time you're showing Henry how to pleasure a woman in one of your live demonstrations. Okay, can I say... Okay, I don't know what he's talking about there, because those have been going really well, though.

I mean, I've learned a lot about pleasureing a woman. Ben, you enjoy teaching. And actually, Ben, you often say you learn a lot more from me, don't you? And from the woman who... And the audience... Simply don't know what he's talking about there. Love from the Sons of Spurbs. I think they've gone...

They've tried to confuse us. They've tried to sow discord. I'm not going to let it happen. The trouble is, though, what really frightens me about the Sons of Spurbs is they have the fervor of youth and the fact is... You know what I mean? They like the... It's sort of blind certainty, isn't it?

They've got the blind certainty and they're so zealous. I mean, they're almost over zealous. They're just heavily zealous and there's no talking to them. I mean, it's a terrifying idea, isn't it, that we do a live show and literally everyone in the audience is Sons of Spurbs. Or a whisk. Or a whisk. And as I said, as I said when I last went shoplifting

in the kitchen section of John Lewis, that's a whisk I'm willing to take. Oh, my God! The thing is, I'm quite impressed by that. I'm quite impressed. I'm not immune, I mean, I'm not... No, no, no, no, it's definitely cold. It's very admirable.

Yeah, I don't know. I think there was some fairly heavy crowbarring going on. Come off it! All right, it was pretty good. Heavy crowbarring is the new light crowbarring, right? Is it? Yeah, it's all about being aware of the crowbar. All right, let's try and hide it from the audience.

Bring them in on it. Okay, all right. I haven't realised that. On the continued Spurbs theme, James emails, Dear Beans. At the end, in your end of series podcast, you suggested to a listener to escape the clutches of Spurbs and his influence on Spotify, defaulting to playing the Thatcher speech mashups.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. By escaping to the snowy confines of Northern Canada, namely Yukon and the Northwest Territories. At that exact moment, I was listening to your podcast while traversing the frozen landscape of the Yukon. I love that thing, I think. At that instant, I knew that Siri was listening to my oral choices

and could now triangulate my position. My cover had been blown. And when it's safe. And when it's safe. I'm therefore writing the short note to inform you that I will now need to go even further under cover. As such, I will travel using the least noticeable mode of transport available. Myself, my possession will be suspended beneath a series of balloons,

practically undetectable by modern technologies. Okay. Well, we'll be careful there because they have tweaked the radars in the States, I know, that did hit the news recently. Notice a big balloon, didn't they? They're all balloons, yeah, yeah. Can I say, we do try to be culturally irrelevant, don't we? So it's a bit unusual for us to be discussing a news-related item.

Bearing in mind that we went through the whole thing on Zeppelins and didn't even think about that balloon thing, didn't we? Was it a Chinese balloon? The first one was. And then the ones that they shot there, then they tweaked the radars so they're super sensitive. And now any balloon? Three more.

I think we still don't know exactly what it was that they shot down. I mean, it could have just been someone's sixth birthday helium panda that they just took out of space over Montana, which we don't know, with a £4 million missile. I don't know. It's been a terrible time, hasn't it, for children's entertainment, because they've obviously all been rounded up, haven't they? Also, I doubt the Chinese spy balloon,

they're going to go for panda as their theme. It'd be obvious. No, that's true. That one, yeah. So I don't know that we'll ever necessarily know. Also, I think the only dog you can make in balloons is sausage dog, isn't it? Yeah. Why is it needs to be a dog?

I think, because I'm a bit tired. I think my brain was thinking about a panda's kind of dog. A panda's a kind of Chinese dog, yeah. It's actually a kind of bear, so it's not that far off. I forgot. It's a kind of bear, isn't it? Not a kind of dog. And it's better when bears are a kind of dog, I suppose.

So yeah, so that would probably cover the news, isn't it, basically? This is... That's why we don't do it, doesn't it? It's time to be the ferryman. Patreon, Patreon, Patreon.com. Ford slash 3B Salad. Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

Thank you. Thank you very much. If you're interested in no adverts, bonus episodes, do go and sign up on our Patreon. There's lots there to enjoy. And we will, there'll be more hot zeppelin chat. But I can't promise that it'll be about zeppelin. But it'll be tangentially related to zeppelins, probably. Yes, I think that says...

Yeah, I wouldn't put it any more firmly than that. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean Lounge level, you get a shout out in the Sean Bean Lounge. Sure do. Where Mike was last night. Indeed I was. It's nice going back there, isn't it, after a month away, just to see how things have been getting on down there.

It's been busy. Yeah. All sorts going on. And last night was a lot of fun. It was the annual moth-proofing picnic, wasn't it? Indeed it was. Thank you, Henry, and here's my report. With spring on the horizon and clear skies above,

yesterday felt like the perfect opportunity for the Sean Bean Lounge annual moth-proofing picnic. In the Sean Bean Filmography Commemorative Garden, which this year has been revamped to botanically consecrate and honour Sean Bean's definitive role as Dave Toomes in the 1998 Steve Gutenberg action classic Airborne. Brian DiCicco laid down a brand new anti-moth vinyl coated picnic blanket with a dead moth skewed on a cocktail stick in the corner

as a warning, and the feasting began. Lydia Shears brought a delicious quichelorane seasoned and moth-proofed with cedar nuggets. Warren Peers provided triangular ham sandwiches without crusts, but with spring-loaded moth traps. Blue New brought a pork and rabbit pie, which were straight out of the oven and straight into a moth-deterring liquid nitrogen super cooler.

Corey Sisterhem guarded a bowl of cherry tomatoes with a Lego baseball bat, and Dan Saddle guarded the Babagnoosh with an infrasonic sound cannon. Colin Barnes took care of business ahead of schedule by registering 4,000 moths to participate in the Pamplona Bull Run without appropriate footwear. Less successfully, John seasoned the terra muscolata with beetle powder, Joshua Cormacan got trapped at the bottom of his own adhesive kill jar

and crushed by olives, and Tom Yeomans attempted to trick a moth into drinking hemlock, but was outmaneuvered. Pert, Picnic King will have its wrinkles, and all was far from lost, as Luke Bovard suffused the homemade lemonade with a series of moth-repening tinctures, including lavender, rosemary, bay leaves, cloves,

and methylchloroisothisolinone. Adele Banks enmeshed a Cornish Yag in electrified wire, and Anna Schumann had deployed the moths' natural predators and packed the chicken drumsticks in a hamper full of hedgehogs and daddy longlegs. Bean appetites! Right, that's the podcast. Let's just determine whose version of our theme tune will play us out.

We've got loads. We've got loads ready to go. Let me give you a couple of options. Do you want Phil Noir? I'm going to say now yes. It's going to be that one. But carry on. Well, let's go for Phil Noir.

Lovely. Let's go for Phil Noir. This is from Morgan. Morgan writes, long-time listeners of the podcast, first-time theme tune writer, I love the podcast, but I can't help but feel it be improved

by the slightest format changes. You should keep it mostly the same, but instead of your usual insightful discussions, Mike can be a loose cannon detective trying to solve the murder of the local mayor, played by Sean Bean. Henry, his hapless yet lovable psychic, is searching for clues on the scene.

The case goes hopelessly, until Bean Detective Agency finds a wallet emblazoned with the insignia of the cassowaries, a local gang. They go to the address listed on the driving license within. Guns drawn. They cautiously open the doors to find an office chair with its back to the door.

The man in the chair slowly turns round to reveal. Bonderman. Oh, it's very good. You can take me down right now, says Bonderman, but I'm just a lowly henchman. The real villain is Spurbs. The scene fades to black. A gunshot is heard.

And then you read out the emails. I think let's... It's a gripping start. That feels good. I think let's do that. Yeah, that's fine. It's starting next week. A very... Bonderman turns out to be very loose-lipped,

easily interrogated. Yes. Henchman. But I mean, that's okay. I think that's credible. And I think that's... Yeah, okay, let's do it. Fine.

Hang on. When the gunshot is heard, who's shooting who? Well, that's what we don't know. Into the emails. It's a... You've got to have cliffhangers, haven't you? Yeah. Yeah.

But it kind of then... I think... Yeah. Well, we will reveal that in the sequel to Three Beams Island whenever they come out. Presumably, it's just Henry's side I'm going off by accident. Isn't it? It's the most likely scenario.

Yeah, feels credible. Yeah. Morgan writes, I hope you enjoy the attached Three Bean Noir theme tune. Well, thank you, Morgan. Thank you. Lovely. Thanks, Morgan.

And thanks for listening. We'll see you next week. Cheerio. Thank you. Bye.