Three Bean Salad - Zombies

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

Ryan suggests the beans discuss zombies and so they slowly drag themselves towards the topics of Boots the chemists, aristocrats and bicycle puncture repair.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodJoin our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

Now Henry. Hi. Obviously when we, this is a bit of a early, early doors pompadou for the listener. Okay. Never, you can never be too soon. Yeah. And now it's time for pompadou section. Pompadou. The beginning of the podcast is always slightly weird because we're never quite sure how it's going to begin. Correct. There's no accepted format. Mm hmm. That's right. I would say if we were writing down the format, maybe for corporate purposes, we'd just put in brackets, aimless chat.

Yeah. But my plan this week is to say that's Henry. You've got new headphones. Well, he does doesn't he with a double headband he's got one headband over his actual head and then a second headband going to the top of that headband. That's like a sort of crown. Well, when I was searching for online, the only box I ticked in terms of my sort of what I wanted was for it to look like a crown. That was that was my only real stipulation crown like a crown from the future. Let me guess how much your

new headphones cost. Now from the look of them, I'm thinking that the brand name is correct. Well done. Don't know that. Is that good? Is it Ben? Was it decent? Yeah, decent stuff. I'm going for 59 pounds 45. I'm going whoa. Screw yourselves. No, no, no, no. You've underestimated me or You've hugely overestimated your earphones. I've underestimated my earphones. Can the internet see you coming a mile off? Is that possible?

Through through data patterns, you haven't you haven't punched through the triple figure ceiling? Have you, Henry? Oh, yeah, the triple figure, man. Holy moly. Yeah. Okay. And you can forget about that decimal point, mate. Kick that whale over the fence. That's in the long grass. Well, hang on. It's a round pound number. No, there's only actually you will need the decimal point back.

We'll have to find it on the grass. Literally just kicked it in the long grass. Yeah, bloody ages find a decimal point in there. Your neighbors can have to read around for it. Check it back. Yeah, no, there is decimal point. But after three figures, yeah. Now, Ben, I realize this probably hurts you more than you're going to let on. Because Ben did actually recommend some headphones to me, because I go to Ben for all my technical recommendations in life.

I know. It's why Ben looks so tired all the time. How's the beta max working out for you, Henry? Absolutely superb. The colour contrast on that gremlins is absolutely lured. Really fat pixels, aren't they? Big fat pixels. Never been fatter. And the boys back on the oil ring. That's nice, isn't it, Henry? Yeah, I got loads of WhatsApps from the boys. And you can actually, you know, you can hear a lot of the dial very clearly over the over the noise

of the actual mechanism. Brilliant. But also you, all you do is, I find with the beta max, you just print out the scripts and you read along. It's a bit like subtitles, but but more It's more visceral. I find if it gets really fuzzy, it's good just to hand the scripts around and sort of do it as a kind of play. Well, a lot of the time we'll do that instead beta max bringing families together.

And then obviously, after after a couple of pages, often we'll decide to just sack it off and do something else. So yeah, this is true. Henry emailed me said, do you have any recommendations headphone wise? I sent him a very strong recommendation for one that costs less than £100. Well, this one didn't cost that much more than £100 to be fair. But basically, Ben, I, I took their recommendation. I was up and I was I was ready to act on it. I then found myself in a

in a studio, a sound studio in the centre of London, recording a voiceover. Oh, really? Yeah. And there was a sound technician in there, who wasn't attending his headphones. And if I make them down, there was a hat sound technician there who it's somehow Lord only knows how I've got his head stuck in his desk.

Certainly nothing to do with me, your honor. Henry's thinking is if there's a plate of croissants out, and you can take those then what's the stop you from taking anything else? Exactly. Essentially, it's the same thing. I mean, they're roughly the same shape, I don't know, across honours at headphones, they're both broadly crab like Okay, bring the bell.

But yeah, so and I asked him and what I wanted this because I find headphones very uncomfortable. And it's hard to get a pair that makes you look like you're the the vice-roy of the planet Orlando as well, isn't it? Which is what I do look like, don't I? A few people had mentioned that in the Amazon review. That was a nice little bonus. Although one guy, there's always one isn't it on one guy in

Amazon, but one style of the vice-roy of the planet Orlando, I was hoping for more of an ambassadorial position. You can't keep everyone happy. It's ridiculous. What I wanted was a headphone that was more gentle on the ear because I find that I forget but I'm comfortable after all. I mean, you know, I don't want our listeners to start feeling sorry for us or anything because you know what we do, it's not

it's not mining is it? It's not you know what I mean? It's not hefting huge logs around. Is it? But it is. It does take its toll to be fair. Because occasionally you get slightly sore ears.

Yeah, you get sore ears. So these are open backed apparently. I don't know what that means, but I think we can see the back of your head if you turn around. I think I think all headphones are open backed. Yeah, yeah, good point. Maybe that was a problem with my last one. They did have a sort of a helmety field, didn't they?

The Darth Vader sort of mask. The Darth Vader helmet. So what they are is these are designed for the, you know, the comfort and ease of the person wearing them. So they've got a kind of slightly suede, soft suede like. I'll just rub it here. Can you hear that quality? Can you feel how soft that is?

That's like the softest part of a goat or something, you know, whatever animal they've got. I'm sure it's not from an animal, it might be. A goat's fetlock. It's goat fetlock soft. Are they open backed, Henry? I believe so. Does that mean something to you?

Yeah. What does it mean? It means in some ways they're not ideal for recording a podcast. Cool, a good start. Yep, yep, yep, sounds just, just invested quite a lot in these. Just open one of those feel good purchases that, you know, makes you feel a little bit like you're on top of the world. Just for a little bit, Ben.

Just give me half. They'd be literally out of the box half an hour, but carry on. Not ideal for what? Was it? I really wasn't sure whether to tell you. No, no, you go and do tell me. Because I, yeah, come on, hit me, it's fine. So, there's a kind of condition people get called open backed

headphones, small gonads. Where the more open backed your headphones, the smaller your gonads become. I did ticker terms and conditions. An unusual set of illustrations on it. I thought, I looked at them, I thought they look a bit science-y for me. This is not into that.

I'll just make some. What it is, is it means that when the sound plays, there's nothing stopping it from kind of going out into the outside world a bit and there's less separation between you and the outside world. So, but it's a bit more bleed that comes out of them. So we might pick that up on your microphone. It's probably, it's probably absolutely fine because we're

not doing anything that bleed going outwards or inwards from them. Bleeding is generally out. Bleeding out so people next to you could probably hear it more How would you hear that? Could bleed out and then be back into the mic? Yeah. Okay, so not ideal. And also I can report having now been wearing them for the

first time for a little bit, but not actually quite as comfortable as I was thinking. My ears are feeling quite hot. It makes me look like an important political figure from From a sort of 70s space set erotic film. I've just arrived from the Sex Madon system. I'd like to speak to Earth's most beautiful female. Yeah, with just just incredibly low cuts.

Just everything's just nipples and chest air everywhere. I'm sure that's been made. I'm sure I'm sure. Am I imagining that they were 1970s? No, there's lots and there's gotta be many millennia ago. My civilization decided to focus all of its technical energy on pleasure. Okay, bean machine time.

Thanks to everyone who sent in their suggestions for things we can talk about. They've all been entered into the bean machine. It's running beautifully. It's purring this week. It really is, isn't it? It's a tip top condition. Lovely, like a metro in that clicking.

I love that sort of oiled click sound it makes when you really know it's humming. And that kind of deep, that exhaust kind of... That's really... You've had a new quite throaty one fitted. Yes, it's from an old Harley-Davidson. You know what, it's got that classic feel to it. And I noticed you were drinking engine oil just before we...

That's right, mixed with Pepsi Max. That's right. And it's lovely fluid. And obviously, that just seeps straight out through you, doesn't it? Because that, but it's keeping the machine oil, it's keeping everything glistening and... And fizzy.

And fizzy. It's lovely. It's a lovely way to spend a Sunday, isn't it, Mike? Maybe me and you... Tinkering about with the old... Just be tinkering with Ben's... Just getting under Ben and tinkering away with it. Just getting under Ben, maybe strapping him up...

Putting him apart and putting him back together again. Yeah. And just looking at those, maybe just even lining up the components, you know, just... But don't forget to sedate me. We've fallen into that trap before, aren't we? Don't worry, yeah, I think, yeah. Oh, that howling.

That howling was... Once heard, never forgot. Well, apparently, three aviaries in the area had to shut down on that day. Because the howling got the owls it put out there, they're internal, they're sort of spatial device, you know, they're spatial awareness. Obviously, a lot of it's not exactly sonar.

They were well-pooling, weren't they? The owls started well-pooling, didn't they? Well, the heads were going all around just spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, and slowly lowering down into their thorax. That's right, screwing in. Essentially, screwing in. It's something that owls do in an extreme emergency, isn't it?

Screw their head right down inside the body. If you screw their head. They look like a feathered cup. They look like a feathered cup. And often, in that time, the crocodile, whatever it is, will, you know, because it probably comes from... It's an ancient evolutionary technique,

back from the days when owls and crocodiles... When owls and crocodiles lived side-by-side. And when crocodiles screamed. Well, they... When crocodiles could still scream, obviously, they're larynx now, because crocodiles were upright, weren't they? They had two arms and two legs.

And winged. They were upright winged beasts that would swoop round. Screaming. They would swoop round screaming because they looked absolutely terrifying. And as soon as they saw one of their kin, they would scream because they did look, obviously, you imagine, as a crocodile stood up

with wings, suitably like Dracula, like a scaly, sort of scaly Dracula. It's quite a sight. But yes, so when an owl screws its head down like that, the only way to... Well, if you've got the right technique, but you really only a trained aviourist should do this. Or just anyone in Halfords.

Or anyone in Halfords. Although a lot of people on the shop floor of these days, actually, can they unscrew an owl's head, actually? Don't know. Well, I've lost count of the times I've gone into a Timpsons and said, can you do anything with this? And they look at you blankly and they say,

no, I can cut you a cube. Yeah. Can't touch that. But basically, if pressed correctly, it will just pop straight back out the head. Doesn't actually have to screw back. Well, they say that's a myth, though, don't they? About the popping back out.

Yeah. Well, I've never seen it done. Normally, you've got to get them in the lathe, get the lathe in reverse, and get them out that way. Yeah. And also, it's lefty, it's lefty-loosey, isn't it? It's righty-tight. Lefty-loosey, righty-tighty, middly-didly.

Middly-didly, that's the thing that people forget is middly-didly. Which is, you pop it, you'll just pop back out. But they say, and the owl. I've never seen it done. I'm just saying, I've never seen it done. No, no, no, fair enough. This could be an urban myth, I don't, yeah.

Writing in less than a no. No. And the owl, of course, very odd for the owl, because it's been, basically, while it's been screwed in, it's been essentially able to look at its own internal organs and just see them. Well, it's the closest you can get

to being back in the womb, isn't it? Yeah. Well, now, it's time for us to leave our metaphorical thoracic womb of chat and go out into the slightly more unpredictable world of the bean machine. Yes, please. The bean machine.

The bean machine. Turn on the bean machine. The bean machine. The bean machine. The bean machine. The bean machine. The bean machine. Okay, so this week's topic, sent in by Ryan.

Thank you, Ryan. Thank you. Is zombies. Hmm. I feel like you two probably have more expertise with zombies. I feel like you two probably hoover up more zombie stuff than I do expect.

I think there's something very, very dark at the center of zombie films, which is, or maybe not the original ones, but these days, I think, there is something in there about, obviously, you can't, you're not allowed to murder a person, right? Mm-hmm, interesting.

I think illegal in every country on earth, right? I think so. It's a safe assumption, anyway. Safe assumption. You probably can't murder anyone. It's a safe working assumption, yeah. But obviously, in a zombie world, you can cave in the head

of an unlimited number of human beings. Interesting, yeah. Because they've become zombies. Yes. And so it's kind of a weird fantasy of, not that I have fantasies of murdering anyone, but I feel like there's something about, you are now allowed to hack someone's face off.

That is somehow attractive to human beings. A world, then, where you could basically attack my neck with a spade. And I'd be doing your favor. You'd be doing me a favor. You'd been turned into a hellish zombie. Not only would you be allowed to hack my neck off with a spade, but actually, you'd have to, you know what I mean?

You'd have no choice. You'd have no choice. You've got the most community-spirited thing to do. It would be the equivalent today of bringing doughnuts into work. Do you know what I mean? In terms of just doing something nice. Sometimes when someone brings doughnuts into work,

I don't like it because I'm like, oh, great, I'm now going to eat 10 doughnuts. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I wouldn't have bought those. I wasn't planning on eating 10 doughnuts. Yeah. But that lack of restraint would be converted

from eating confectionery to bloodlust. Stoving. Yeah, exactly. You'd be able to convert like a restraint into stoving. It's a fair point. I think zombies are something which, like, you know, you either sort of accept it as a premise for something or you just really don't.

I mean, like, certainly my mum would not. There's just no way she'd be interested in a zombie film. It just, like, it just wouldn't even make any, you know, there'd be, it's a not-complete non-starter, you know what I mean? Because she wouldn't enjoy it or because she wouldn't be willing to make the leap. Do you completely reject the premise?

What if the zombies were in period dress and it was set in the Georgian era? Talking. So it's kind of like Emma Thompson zombie is hopelessly in love with Colin Firth zombie. Yeah, Colin Firth zombie. And the noise they make is like this. It's like...

Kind of like Prince Charles. All stand for the king. We're entering the Regal Zone. Regal Zone. Off with their heads. On with the show. Listen not to the whores and the shopkeepers. Bring me more advisors.

The Regal Zone. Regal Zone. They make the Prince Charles sound. They make the posh noise which posh people of a certain age make in between all words, isn't it? So the thing is... Have some more battenburg. Like they're buzzing.

Essentially they're buzzing, aren't they? They'll be like... They're always going. They're like a sort of broken set of bagpipes. There's always air being expelled. It's just leaking. Yeah, it's just leaking at all times. And sometimes they can harness it into a word.

The main thing is that the air... The posh air has to come out. And they don't breathe in, do they? They don't breathe in. There's always coming out. Well, the way the aristocracy of Britain works is you're filled up with all the air you need just after being born, aren't you?

They pump it in. They pump it in. They pump in Austro-Hungarian air. They pump in... They pressurized Austro-Hungarian air. Austro-Hungarian air from the sort of mid-18th century. Which was saved at the time, isn't it? In a huge Zeppelin-type sort of balloon.

They buried a Zeppelin somewhere outside Salzburg. It's noble triumphant air from a great battle. And that's pumped into your birth, which is why aristocratic children do tend to have a sort of quite chubby, rosy cheek, shiny sort of... It's the pressure. It's the pressure.

It's the air pressure. The huge atmospheric pressure inside. That's the atmospheric pressure that they're holding in them. Most people tend to be that much taller as well, obviously, because, again, it's a pressure effect. And it's why, of course, in the old days, aristocrats used to do jousting. Because obviously, if you lose a joust and you get jousted,

you just burst. And it's absolutely spectacular. You'd burst at jousting and then you'd fly off like a balloon, wouldn't you? You'd fly off. It's also why if they ever smoke a cigarette, they will explode. Which is why they favor pipes. Which is the same reason why occasionally a juke

will be used as a flotation device by the RNLI. That's right. Exactly. And obviously, that's why the posh men tend to have very heavy brogues. I'll just hold on to the tassels. Grab his tassels. They were tasseled brogues.

You can grab onto it in the sea. Brogues that weigh you down. That's the whole reason why they do a lot of horse riding as well. They're not really actually riding the horse. They've just accidentally started floating about two yards above the surface. And they have to conceptualize it. Yeah, exactly.

They need to disguise the fact. Well, I know. Certainly Boris Johnson's full of hot air. That's what I would like to say. Ooh. The old wind bag. That could be the coup de gras, couldn't it? For our prime minister.

It's been a tough week for him, but I reckon that might clinch it. Might clinch it. This government's a zombie, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Zombie government. But zombies, it's like sci-fi as well, with my mum just can't tolerate

anything with a door that opens like that. Well, she can't go to boots. If it's not a revolving door, she's not interested. That's why all the doors in the Pack of Family Helm are all revolving doors, isn't it? It's got to be revolving. It's got to be revolving. And a lot of the local thieves and robbers use the phrase,

it's like there's a little revolving door on that. Number 35, get down there. I don't know if she literally has one. Anything yet? Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah. She does struggle with, but it's quite futuristic, isn't it, boots?

I mean... Well, we've got strip lighting. Cardless payments. Futuristic sort of green breakfast drinks. Yeah, and in the background, just generally everywhere, just the ambition to make up the human being immortal. Which is quite a futuristic idea. Is that the admission statement?

Well, it's all implied, isn't it? If you moisturize enough, your skin might never age. Eventually, some of that will moisturize the inside of you as well. Yeah. It's quite utopian place boots, isn't it? It is actually quite... It is quite spaceship-y. Welcome.

Put these drops into your eyes and they will stay wet. We can print out photographs for you. We also offer a meal deal. For those listening outside of the United Kingdom, boots is a chemist. But it also sells sandwiches. It's a place where your average Brit... I would say shops in boots about two or three times a day.

No matter how little interest you have in boots, you just keep on finding yourself back in boots. It's true. I mean, I just... It's like a sort of nightmare. It's like that film... Memento. It's like Memento.

It's like Memento, my life. It's like, hang on, I'm in boots again. How should I get it? Yeah. A minute ago, I was doing a podcast. Okay. I better buy some toothpaste and then leave boots. Okay, I better book myself for a yellow fever vaccine.

Yeah. Okay, I'm going to go home now. That was weird. Hang on, I'm in boots again. What the hell? I was just... I just literally just left boots because I'm in boots. She's asking if I've got a boots reward card.

I'm saying no again. She's saying that she's putting the points on the receipt. And if I want to put them on my boots card when I finally get one, I can cash in the receipt. But no one's ever done them out. I need to get the hell out of here through those electric sliding doors

and never come back. Thank God, I'm out in the fresh air. And back in boots again, I'm in the toothbrush section. A range in bubble baths on a shelf. I'm working in boots now. I never agreed to this. I think they change the layout every day so that you can never find anything.

And it's a way to keep the society just on edge and... Well, in boots, you feel like maybe if you zoomed out, there would be these huge giant scientists watching you and you're like the rats in the mail. Oh, yes. It is like that. And you're just kind of being... You're part of the experiment, but you don't realise it

until you once you reach a certain level of understanding, you become a regional manager. The way I work in boots now is I know... OK, I'm looking for eye drops, right? I'm just going to walk around boots and just hope eventually I run into the eye drops. I'll just walk around. There's no targeted.

There's no target. There's no point. I'll just walk around and around. Oh, here's the Brownian motion bouncing all around. Exactly. But the trouble is, because I'm a human, I'm not actually random. So I could go on forever and never come across them

because my brain will be thinking he should probably turn left here. Well, they say, don't they? In boots, if you keep turning left, you will eventually get out. That's the only way you can do it. Yeah. So whenever you come to a turning,

just turn left and you will eventually find your way out. Or you can shoot your way out. Yeah. Do you know what? Actually, I did actually sign up for... Basically, my whole life, I have been thinking, every time I get to the tail, I've been thinking I should get the rewards card.

I should get the boots rewards card because they offer it to you every time. It's called the boots advantage card. Sorry, sorry, the boots advantage card. And you know what? But I always say no. And I've even got a system now to speed up that bit of the transaction

because what happens is they say... So you buy your stuff and then the person behind the till says, do you have a boots advantage card? This is the fourth Veruca sock you've bought this week. And bearing in mind, as far as we understand it at boots, you'll have a maximum of two feet. If your Veruca has managed to burn through two socks already this week,

it might be time to come in for our extreme Veruca magma sloughing experience. So they say, have you got a boots advantage card? If you just say no, they say, would you like one? You have to say no, and I don't want one. No, but what I do is I say something which doesn't actually make grammatical sense if you were to take the minutes of the interaction.

Basically, I say... So they say, if you've got an advantage card, and I say no, thank you. It's doing both phrases at things at once. Do you know what I mean? Very clever, very clever. No, thank you. So they say, have you got a boots advantage card?

And I say, no, thank you. Because to stop them saying, do you want one? So I'm sort of doing two things and I'm doing two sentences in one. It's incredibly rude. You feel quite pleased with yourself when you've done this little Jedi mind trick? I do feel a bit superiority.

Because they stand there looking bamboozled, going, hang on a minute, what's he just done with language? Because he's... And by that point, I'm out the electric doors, I'm down the high street, and I'm into the next boots along. By that point, you know,

if you won't see me for dust, I'm in another boots, you know what I mean? I'm long gone, mate. I'm in boots down at Hammersmith and down at the big boots. You've got a boots advantage card, haven't you, Ben? I have, of course. I knew it.

Because unlike Henry... I knew it. Because that's where the phrase comes from, isn't it? Henry is very literally too big for his boots. Exactly. That's where the phrase comes from. He thinks he's better than boots. He thinks he's bigger than boots.

Well, you know what? I think what happens with me, the reason I didn't get the advantage card is, I always think to myself, you know what, Henry? You could get the advantage card, but... if I'm right about you, Henry, you're not going to be messing around

and boots for too much longer. That's the thing, Henry. All you're waiting for is the right wind. And when the right wind comes, it's all going to come together. And you won't be buying yourself intense moisturizer for crack dry feet. That'll all just flake away.

That'll all just flake away. So I feel like, you know, by buying the advantage card, I'm sort of admitting that this is real. This is me. This is it. You're kind of giving in to the idea of mortality by getting a boots advantage card. Exactly.

Because really in boots, you're buying stuff that kind of staves off your indemnitable decay. You know, your feet getting gnarled and old. Your acid reflux kicking in as your internal stomach sphincter gets flabby and... Your tongue drying out and eventually just crumbling like...

Like the tablet on which the Ten Commandments were written. Yeah, I was going to say like a crunchy, like inside of a crunchy, but yeah. But, you know, recently, actually, I did actually think... I think this... I've now reached a point where I'm accepting things about my life. I think probably I will need pharmaceuticals, you know.

That's just going to carry on. And you're starting to like a good deal. I'm starting to like a good deal. I'm starting to think... I spend so much time in boots. The advantage card... It's becoming a no-brainer. But it's the admin I've always feared.

But you know what? I've got one step closer, actually. I said to the woman... So she said to me, you know, I brought my stuff. So it's the eyedrops. It's the dry heel stuff. And she said, you know, like she usually does,

have you got an advantage card? And I said, no. Please. Please. Exactly. No, please. No, please. And she pressed the little button underneath her desk.

She pressed the little button underneath her desk. And as the security guard dragged me kicking and screaming into the stock room for absolutely working over. Do you ever think about the fact that had you got an advantage card maybe 20 years ago, when you first started going to boots,

that the number of points you would have accrued to this time, you could have bought a Harrier jump jet. But how does it work with the points? Do you get... Is it this cold-hard cashew, yeah? In a briefcase? Or is it...

Is it just boots, boots sort of... Boots points? I think it's old Spanish escudos. Okay. Okay, good. I'll come back around, though. I'll come back around. Or bullion.

You can choose. I mean, a zombie looks like someone who's never been to a boot. That's a great point. Be quite a good advert for boots, wouldn't it? So, a young couple, and one of them is having to hack the other one's head off with a set of shears,

garden shears. We're just about to do that when they suddenly see there's a great new deal going on. Yeah. For exfoliants. They need a hard sloughing. If you slough down a zombie... A hard sloughing and a glass of Baraka.

Yeah. I'll put you behind me. I feel good, isn't it? You'll find someone who looks great, but still just goes... and walks around very slowly, but they look good. You've made an aristocrat.

Yeah. I've got what I think would be a great scene from a zombie film, which I don't think has been done. Okay. Which is... you're cycling. Yeah.

Sorry, who's cycling? Well, the hero. So, who are you casting? Oh. Well, obviously default Plemons. Okay, Jesse Plemons. Default it to Plemons. Jesse Plemons.

So, he's... There's a zombie apocalypse on. He's cycling from A to B. Doesn't have a much in zombie movies. Exactly. That's why it's different and good. Basically, he gets a punk...

I think this is brilliant. He gets a puncture. Okay. Now, there are zombies are coming. You can see them on the horizon. They're coming towards him. He's got to fix his puncture

and cycle off before they get to him. Is that the whole scene? That's the whole scene. So, basically, he's... That's not a good idea. But wait, because he's putting... Imagine how tense it is. You've got to take the wheel,

you've got to unclamp the wheel, take it off. You've got to fill a bucket with water. You've got to fill a bucket with water. You've got to stick the thing in to see where the bubbles... Find it and then label it with a bit of chalk. Label it with a bit of chalk.

The bit of chalk doesn't work. Put your vulcanising glue on. Put your vulcanising glue on. Put your vulcanising glue on. Put your effort to get tacky. And then you're cutting every now and then to... I'm on the horizon. Getting closer.

And then he discovers he doesn't actually have any sort of repair, little plaster bits anyway. He's got to use something else. Doesn't have any plaster bits. But he remembers he does have a plaster on the heel of his foot, because he's got a dry skin problem. Obviously, plemins won't have to act that,

because... Femacy dry feet? Femacy dry feet. His method, it'll dry his feet out in advance. It'll dry his feet out in advance. You want your foot out. You just get the plaster off your foot. Stick that on the bike.

While you're down there, you think, you know what? I might as well tighten my chain. It needs doing anyway. Because the character's that type. He's having a bit of a nightmare putting the wheel back in though. The tire back in there, because he's...

Particularly because it's a bit fiddly anyway, and he's wearing nice new perichinos. He doesn't want to get oil all over him, does he? Because he's going out for a date tonight. Just because there's a zombie apocalypse doesn't mean... Society is carrying on going to a degree. If people stop dating, then the zombies have truly won.

Exactly. They're getting closer now. And then? Pops the wheel back on. Yeah, and then? They're getting closer. And then? Adjusts the height of his seat as well.

Because he's grown? He's got slightly taller throughout this ordeal. He's had a growth spurt. Fear affects people in different ways, I suppose. And then he's... And then literally the zombies would... You know, the way it works is they have to be literally inches from him

before he jumps on the bike and then shoots off. I've got another scene for your movie, actually, Henry. So, Plemons. This is earlier in the day. Plemons is jet-washing his drive. This is bicycle still? No, it says to drive with a car.

He's jet-washing it because it's got a bit sort of green, you know, a bit algae-ish. So he starts jet-washing it, and obviously when you jet-wash, you can see which bits you've washed or which bits you haven't. So he's just starting. He's probably done about a quarter of the drive. Uh-oh.

What's coming over the horizon? It's not bloody zombies. Zombies again. Unbelievable. Can he finish jet-washing his whole life? Zombies come. Sorry, I think there was Hollywood on the phone here. So that was Zombies.

Thank you, Ryan. Comprehensively dealt with. We took that topic and we stove its head in with a fire extinguisher, didn't we? We did, and removed the brain and reopened the gates of hell. Enjoy. So, time for your emails.

Now, we've got lots of emails. There's a real big pile of bollocks. If you want to... Oh, really? The big bollock ball bag is straining. How have we managed to create that? What have we done? Are they all related to the same transgression?

No, different bollockings. I mean, some of them are the bollockings that won't go away. The perennial bollockings. I think we do need to draw a line under at some point. Yeah. What have we got fresh bollocking-wise? Do you want a fresh one?

Particularly, I want a fresh bollock. I think we need to draw a line under at some point. What have we got fresh bollocking-wise? Do you want a fresh one? Particularly, I want a fresh one if it's aimed at Henry. OK. OK. OK.

It's that moment of anticipation where you know that the bollocks have been drawn back. I was waiting for them to be released and to slam into my forehead. Isn't it the metaphorical... On that metaphorical 1980s executive toy that that's what the bollocking... That's how the bollocking's work, isn't it metaphorically?

Unfortunately, Mike, I'm just going through the bollockings. Yeah. And they all seem to be for old... Mickey Wozniak. Oh, no. Excellent. But I'm such a good boy.

They can see through that shit, Mike. Oh, no. What have we done? Accessing listener bollocking. Bollocking loading. This is from Seb. OK. Hi, Ho Beans.

The gentlest of bollockings for you all. Now, he's saying this is for us all. I don't... I think this bollocking is for Mike, really. OK. I guess me and Henry didn't pick you up on this, so we are complicit in this issue, but this is very much a Mickey Wozniak.

Bollocking, I'd say. OK. OK. Sit back and enjoy the bollocking. As dads... Now, I'm not a dad. Henry's not a dad. Well, Henry's the dad to a cat.

Yeah. As dads, you gleefully told us that NASA spent millions of dollars creating a space pen to work out of orbit while those clever Soviets simply used a pencil. As an annoying son, however, I have to tell you, this is a myth. OK.

NASA originally did use pencils the same as Soviet Russia, but due to their potential flammability and flakiness, eventually decided against them. A private company put their own money into developing a space pen, which they then sold to NASA and then a year later to the Soviets as well.

Sorry, can I just say, if you can't use a pencil without accidentally setting fire to it, you shouldn't be involved in the space race. I've never once seen a pencil on fire in my whole life. That's maybe 20 minutes, isn't it, that they can add to the astronaut training program? Yeah, just a quick thing.

Keep your pencils. How are you doing it? Can you just see what you're doing? You do it first, and I'll see what it is that you're setting fire to the pencil every time. Yeah, you see, there's your problem. You're holding the lighter to the tip of the pencil.

You need to stop doing that. Just use it right with. Mike, stop trying to wriggle out with this bollocking. I've been propagating urban myths. That's the charge. With every bollocking, Mike, there are two options. You can either take the bollocking with grace. Bollocking accepted.

Yeah, bollocking accepted. Yeah. Maybe I'll jingle like that, Henry, or you can bollock back. Reflecto bollock. Are you going to take it, or are you going to... I will accept the bollocking. I mean, it does smack of the sort of thing

that probably is nonsense and that I might propagate. Do we know the provenance of the bollocker? The provenance of this bollocker is a man called Seb. Don't know anything about him. Right. But it's not the only person who bollocks this for this. Also, the Super Dragon Cafe bollocks this for this. Oh, my God.

I mean, there are greatest allies. I'll accept it just from the... Because if it was just another middle-aged man, then middle-aged men, you know... I mean, I know this because I am one. They go about and they say things that either they know not to be true, or they have a feeling possibly aren't true, and they just say that they're true

and they say them with a degree of assertiveness that, you know... But if the Super Dragon Cafe have lept in on it, then I'll fully accept the bollocking. I can't promise I'm not going to keep propagating that fact at Barbecue's, but I will accept the bollocking. Because it's your number one anecdote, isn't it, Mike? I've got nothing else. You know, come on.

The quiver is empty. So I read you the one from Seb. There was a few emails on this very topic. Seb, I read you that one because he put it in a gentle way. It was a gentle bollocking, which is what we want. The Super Dragon Cafe, however, Steven from the Super Dragon Cafe, started his email.

And I didn't want to read you this, Mike. I wanted to shield you from this level of bollocking. But he writes, Hello, Beans. This one you're going to get multi-bollocked for. Dolby surrounds super high definition bollocking. High max sound quality, mega bollocking. OK.

The Russians did not use a pencil in his face. OK, fine. So Mike's already punched drunk from that first bollocking, but he's now got a metal dragons bollock. I still feel that we don't know what... So what did they all use? Because I thought one, the first person said that... Word of mouth?

Was it all word of mouth that he was up there? Rumour. Well, it was an oral tradition up there, wasn't it? So you'd write epic poems and read them to the next person who joined you on the space station and they would pass them. It would just be an epic poem about how to repair a solar panel. Chaucer style. I didn't know about you, Evgeny,

but I've heard it on the grapevine that the airlock in sector 14 needs some of its rivets re-aligning. Otherwise, the whole life support system might go down. Yeah, there's probably nothing to it. It's just something I heard. They used Henry the Fisher Space Pen, which was a space pen that we discussed. The Russians did?

Yeah, and NASA, but if we believe the Super Dragon Cafe... Yeah, well, we need to believe the Super Dragon Cafe. OK, bollocking accepted. Bollocking accepted. The thing is, it's such a wonderful story, though, isn't it? And in a way, isn't that more important? OK, Mike, are you ready for your second bollocking of the day? Oh, come on.

I'm softened up now. Hello, Beans. This is from Becca. She writes, in my mind, this will be one of many bollocking emails regarding the location of the Clown Egg Register. Last week we talked about the Clown Egg Register. Mike's other, his second best anecdote. Yeah, she says, I know I was screaming and wailing every time the word Paris passed unquestioned

under Mike's glorious moustache. It's not in Paris, it's in bloody Dalston. Dalston? Dalston. What the hell's it doing there? That's where it is. It was also, someone else sent an email about this, and it was previously housed at Wookie Hole Caves.

In Somerset? In Somerset. More recent than that. I've been there. It's a great day out for the kids. It's a great day. I've been there as well. Yeah.

You can spend... I mean, that's, again, it's a perfect place for a sort of middle-aged man who talks bollocks all the time to decide on the spot which one is a static type, which one's a static might, and stick to it for the rest of the day, and probably get it wrong and confuse his children for life. Are you accepting that bollocking, Mike?

I... Well, yeah, I'm a bit... I'm alarmed. Why... Yeah, well, I'll accept it, of course. Bollocking accepted. Becca sounds like, you know, she's got her head screwed on and everything,

but I'm baffled. In my head, I just assigned it to... It seemed appropriate, I think, to assign this... Better put this in finite way in Paris. It seems like a better fit. So you're saying it should be there? Oh, yeah, I'm saying it shouldn't be. I'm saying it should absolutely be in Paris.

It should definitely be in Paris, you know, or possibly Barcelona. But, yeah, Paris seems right to me. I agree. Henry, would you like a bollocking? Yeah, I wouldn't mind one, actually. I feel like it's starting to get a bit cruel watching this happen to Mike.

Thank you. I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with the whole thing. I'm wondering whether I should just sidle off. Hello, beans. This is from Joe. A light bollocking is necessary. The podcast about exercise was the second time Henry has suggested that trochitis is stored in the fridge.

This is madness. You're sincerely Joseph. Oh, well, no, that's absolutely fair. That's a fair bollocking, bollocking accepted. Bollocking accepted. All I would say is that... I would certainly say in the United Kingdom, the freezer is a sort of subset of the fridge.

And therefore, when I say fridge, I could mean the egg shelf. I could mean the veg drawers. I could mean the freezer. Part of the fridge unit. The Christmas cards on top of the fridge. It could be the Christmas cards on top of the fridge. It could be the place where the old peas

go to die under the fridge. You're saying bollocking accepted, but you're also going for a sort of semantic defence. This is a very curious bollocking accepted, Henry. The fridge, the refrigeration device. There's a word, refrigeration. That is the scientific principle that is going on in there. It's about using super low temp chemicals.

I keep moving because I feel like you're already getting me tips. A shot around narrow electric tubes, which are encased in metal, which creates subzero temps, and that cools down the stuff. Now, the same technology is being used in the fridge and the freezer. That's why there is a word refrigeration. There is not a word refrigeration.

There is the word freezing, though, isn't there? Okay. I'm going to say a sentence to you. Okay? I currently have a kit cat in my car. Now, what this bloke is saying is... Riddle me this. What this bloke is saying is,

Henry, no, you don't have a kit cat in your car. You have a kit cat in your glove compartment. Well, sorry. I think I know who I'm not going to be sharing this kit cat with. Bye. I wheel up the window and I drive off. Henry, this is a bollocking accepted. It's a bollocking accepted.

It's turned into a 180... It's a moving piece of contretion there for a minute. Oh, okay. But if you must... Sorry. Oh, put me in jail and throw away the key. And, yeah, throw the key into a river or, as I would call it,

one of the waterways of Britain. What? No, that doesn't make any sense. I think, Henry, you've lost both the factual argument and the moral argument. No. What I would say is... No, sorry, it's not bollocking accepted. It started off as an accepted.

The scales fell from my eyes halfway through. It's a 180-degree reflector bollock. Reflecto bollock. Right back at you. All that power you put into that bollocking has reversed back on you and you are now flailing around with a massive set of your own bollocks.

Just repeatedly boncing you on the noggin. On the snozz. Boncing you on the snozz. Is he American? I don't think there's a way of knowing. I don't think he gives that information. Because I think in America, you've got the freezer. Because in America, you have the large,

talked-about-before-the-cathedral-doors double fridge where you can actually walk in. You can walk in to look for things. We do get your point, Henry. Yeah, and people sometimes go like that. And then in the back room, you've got a freezer where you can...

Obviously in America, you buy huge barrels of ice cream and stuff or you can shoot someone and put their body in there. In that situation, you might think of the freezer and the fridge as two separate things, whereas in Britain, we have the fridge-freezer. It's not called the freezer-fridge.

It's the fridge-freezer, off-the-short fridge. Bollocking rejected. Let's move on. If you'll bollock me, then I'll bollock you. Bollock back. Wow. That was an emotional downing. That was like the finest QC.

It was, wasn't it? Did you feel Grishamie that? Did you feel Grishamie? Had pelican brieferin all over it, didn't it? Well, there are more bollockings in the quiver, but I think we'll leave them for next week. We will notice that the bollockings were

administered to Michael and Henry. Interesting that the person reading the bollockings didn't read our... Jurislet, isn't it? What is interesting? Henry's razor-sharp, analytical, legal mind is still whirring away there.

I can't stop it. Let's move on to the other emails. Did I get it over with that? Hmm. For now. OK, two final emails, and for this we enter the Flightless Bird Zone.

Ooh. Welcome to the Flightless Bird Zone. No, please, not my face! This is from Anna from Australia. Do you live in the land down under... Yeah? Thanks, Henry.

Are we going to keep that in? Probably. Absolutely. Dear Beans, I have a story about a sexy slash terrifying flightless bird. I visited a zoo that had an Australian exhibit in which harmless animals like wallabies and emus roamed free, interacting with human visitors.

A large and amorous emu called George took a shining to me. George was about my height and weight, but unlike me, had giant talons and a beak. He got all up in my personal space, fixed me with his prehistoric gaze and started to bob up and down rhythmically,

attempting to rub his chest against mine. I tried backing away slowly. He advanced. Uh-oh. Things took a really sinister turn when I accidentally dropped my handbag. Without breaking eye contact, George slid his massive, spiky foot

through the strap. Oh, my God. At a stroke, I had lost access to my phone, wallet and passport. Oh, it's horrifying and inconvenient. Isn't it? Those two things often go together, don't they? Yeah.

Eventually, I escaped by leaping vertically onto a nearby trampoline. So, it's zig-zags for crocodiles and onto the nearest trampoline for emus. So, it's gone from being horrifying to tense and fun. Hmm. Which is quite a fun way to escape by a trampoline.

And good for you, good for you, good for you, low back. I flagged down some passing zookeepers who were amused. Their comments were, that's George and well, it is that time of year. She writes, anyway, I thought this story was consistent with your flightless bird thesis, Anna from Australia. Thank you, Anna.

Thanks, Anna, who's clearly survived and somehow gained access to a means of writing the message, which is a relief. I don't quite feel I know how the story ends. No, did the zookeepers shoot the emu? Did she shoot the emu? Did she shoot the zookeepers?

That's a certainty in her authority and the emu backed off. Is she now queen of the emus? Exactly. Also, she did describe herself as basically looking exactly like an emu except for the beak and talons. So, what I'm picturing is an emu with a human face

and human feet, probably in flip-flops. Or as they call them, thongs mate, down under. Thongs, isn't it? I really like it when we manage to connect on a deeper level with our foreign listeners and I think you've really, you've done that there, Henry. You've made them feel at home.

The fact is, you know, I don't want to get on the soapbox here, but we're all the same, aren't we? All over the world, everyone's the same, essentially. Well, we're different in terms of individual personalities. We've all got different words for flip-flops. Exactly. And the final email that's still within the flightless bird zone

is from Meg. Not THE Meg, I hope. This email has thrilled me no end. I am a birdkeeper at a zoo up north where I work with a secretary bird. So, the way she said that does make it sound like it's her secretary? Yep.

There's no accident. And he is, in fact, one of the nicest and wholesome birds I work with. And his legs are indeed very sexy. He has never shown any aggression and likes to make little nests out of straw. He sounds great.

I have lovingly named him Bean in honour of you three. Come on. So somewhere in the north of England there is a secretary bird called Bean. Oh, yes. That is lovely. Our dear friends

is why this podcast has the ultimate piece of merch. Well, live secretary bird. Live secretary bird. Live secretary bird. Be available on the Patreon by the end of the day. It's costing us an absolute fortune. It's almost impossible to administer legally

but we've signed up and we are offering secretary birds as merch. They come in one of those cardboard cylinders that we get posters in. So they're not crinkled. They're not crinkled.

And in there is everything they need to get by for a couple of weeks in transit. So there's three remain lettuces. Some reading material. A snake for them to toy with it and eventually kill it. Or befriend it.

Depending on the temperament. We can't guarantee it's got the same temperament as the gentle bean. And especially certainly when we're stuffing them into that cylinder, they never seem that placid. They've got to take that out on someone at the other end. Yes. Wow. That's great news.

I'm thrilled about that. That's amazing. That's brilliant. She doesn't have exactly which zoo it is. I'd like to know. I'd like to visit bean. I'd like to crest bean. I'd like to take bean in my arms. To nurse bean. Nurse bean.

She gives a photo of bean. And we'll put it on the Twitter. Yes. Do send us a photo of bean. So thanks everyone for your emails. If you want to email us, it is 3beansaladpod at gmail.com. OK. Let's talk about yesterday, guys. Obviously, if you join the Patreon,

there are various tiers. You can join at patreon.com. You can get ad free episodes. You can get bonus episodes. But if you join at the top tier, the Sean Bean tier, you get access to the Sean Bean lounge. And we were there yesterday. We had a bit of a day trip, didn't we,

with some of the Sean Beaners. It was great fun. We did. The donkey sanctuary go-karting obstacle course experience. That's it. We all met up at the lounge. Nick Cox had that idea. Which I thought was a rock solid.

Because it was going to be Ben Poulton's birthday at some point the next year. And he wanted to celebrate. But he didn't have the... He's so embarrassing that he doesn't know the day because he's supposed to know and he's forgotten. So his plan, Nick told me this,

is to make it look as if he's celebrating Ben Poulton's birthday every day for the next year until Ben Poulton reacts in such a way that suggests it actually is his birthday. And then at that point, complete the birthday celebration, which is what it means.

So he does about 60-70% of a birthday. That's right. And Lockie Holly and Detta Hannan and Harold with Jelly Bean, Coober the Third have obviously rigged Ben up to a series of measuring devices to test his heart rate and breathing rate

and levels of imbalance and excitement and sweat to see if they can get a measure on that. And they send all that. And James Fitzmorris crunches all the data. So he was happy as Larry doing that on the little minibus on the way down.

I mean, James Fitzmorris, he loves a donkey, doesn't he? So he was very excited about the whole thing. It was an odd thing because there was a moment where Joel Chau Ken Q told me to one side and he said, look at Ben, he's weeping. And there he was.

And he'd buried his head into the soft side of a donkey and he was weeping into the fur. And Joel said, I think I know why this is. Was it because Chris Ballard had told him that crying into a donkey is the way to train it? That's right. And he was trying to

make the donkey do his bidding. And ultimately, get him to charge Aaron Flynn. I see, of course. Because Aaron Flynn had brought his donkey matador costume with him, hadn't he? Of course. I mean, he's always wearing that thing. I know it's his birthday, but you know,

it's not fair to charge a donkey at someone. No, plus, and obviously beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot, the better you feel. Beans, beans for every meal. Or beans, beans, as we call beans, beans. Just wanted to race. We were there to go-kart, to donky go-kart.

And thankfully, we all snapped out of it and got on with it at that point. And, well, we hit the track, didn't we? All of us. We say did. And those donkeys are much faster than they look, aren't they? Well, they've all had new tyres, haven't they? Yeah.

They were quite a spruce start, weren't they? And I think Sam Dunstall has been super-charging a few of them as well. But the way Lucky Holly was doing wheelies with their donkey, I've never seen that before. No, I've never seen that. That was pretty spectacular. That was brilliant. And of course, all ended with that ten donkey pile-up, which

very lucky that there were no major injuries from it. That's true. Well, apart from Harrywood Jelly Bean Cooper the 30, broke both his legs. Yeah, you can't make an omelette without breaking some legs, as Lucky Holly says. Yeah. That's written, actually, isn't it? That's embossed

in the front door of the Sean Bean lounge. Is that phrase? That very phrase? Yeah, it's the motto. So, thanks all. Thanks all the patrons. Yes, thank you. Now, let's work out which theme tune we're going to see out the show with. Thank you for everyone who's sent in a version of our theme tune. Yeah, brilliant.

Chaps, you can choose between piano-centric electronic version written in sub-tuplets. Wow. Lovely. Western. Layback modern jazz. Violin. One of my favourite genres. Jelly Wine Bar.

I think I honked my way all over the choices last time, Henry. So, if you've got a particular yearning. Layback modern jazz, please. This is by Chris Hazel. He says, Hello Beans. I thought the theme tune could do with a bit of a laidback modern jazz styling. Hope you approve. Thanks, Chris. Thank you, Chris. Well, thank you, Chris.

And thank you to everyone for listening. Brilliant. Goodbye. Thank you.