Threedom - BONUS: Comedy Bang Bang Live at Moore Theatre, Seattle WA - 08/17/24 - Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, Lisa Gilroy, Will Hines

Episode Date: September 21, 2024

The Pretzel Gang decided to give you a little treat: Lauren's surprise return to Comedy Bang Bang this summer on a very special live CBB in Seattle! Live from Seattle, Washington - Scott welcomes to the stage his nephew Todd, inventor Charles Dumpster, medical experiment Peanut Parton and vocal musician Randy Useless! Special thanks to Moore Theatre! Check out cbbworld.com/tour to see a show near you! Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.com. Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.com Grab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Something I love about the back-to-school season is that feeling like you could always learn something new, even as an adult. And therapy can help you find that inspiration. It's about the potential to keep bettering yourself, no matter what. Rediscover your curiosity with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash freedom today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p dot com slash freedom. I'm Lupita Nyong'o. My new podcast, Mind Your Own, is a storytelling show that navigates what it means to belong, all from the African perspective. We're going beyond the headlines to dive into nuanced, intimate stories from Africans around the world.

I'm so excited to bring this show to you. Listen to Mind Your Own on Apple podcasts, Amazon Music, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Freedom! Freedom! Hi everyone, this is Freedom, I'm Scott. I'm Paul. I'm Lauren. And this is a very special episode of Freedom, and you must be thinking like, why, this isn't our normal schedule, why is this here? And this seems special, you're thinking, you're thinking, what, this is really interesting and unique. You're probably having a psychotic break.

But what this is is we decided, we've been talking about this show that Lauren came up to Seattle to do. That was so special. Yes, instantly legendary. She surprised the crowd. Legend status. She surprised the crowd, made a surprise appearance, no one knew she was gonna be there.. No one knew she was gonna be there.

We didn't know she was gonna be there. Not even you guys. Yeah. She scared us. Yeah, we were so frightened, our hair turned white. Yeah. But- I was briefly a skeleton.

Well, I got electrocuted. That's a good point. Yeah. But anyway- I touched you while I was holding onto a light pole that got electric shock from a lightning bolt. So we thought, hey, why don't we let people hear this show who are fans of freedom,

who have never heard maybe comedy bang bang before. Wow, can you imagine? Sure fucking imagine. It'd be so weird. But you're out there though, and I want you to hear this. Gross. Please put this on. Please.

So what we're gonna do is we're gonna just let you hear this Seattle show. There's no other way to hear this. Gross. Please put this on. Please. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna just let you hear this Seattle show. There's no other way to say it. We're gonna let you hear it. Yeah. Here's another way to say it. We are going. See?

We're gonna let you hear it. It's tough, right? Yeah, we're gonna let you hear it. There's no other way to say it. Because I was trying. I was trying to think of a new way. Well, because I thought for sure by the time the words were coming out,

I was gonna find a new way. Same, same, same, same, same, same. We're gonna let you hear it. There's no other, same, same. We're gonna let you hear it. There's no other way to say it, we're gonna let you hear it. That is what it is. Now, if you've never heard Comedy Bang Bang before, the basic premise- How did you get here? I wonder, but the basic premise is it's a talk show,

I'm the host, and comedians play characters, and that's Lauren is playing a character she's played on Comedy Bang Bang for now almost a decade, I would imagine. Wow, that's sick. Gross. Who is my nephew, Todd. Wow. And now the great part about listening to this

is I kind of tried to casually drop that I had family in town in Seattle, which is not true. I thought it was a good intro. It was pretty good, but I just wanted to sort of like casually drop that so that when I said, oh, okay, and then I am wanted to sort of like casually drop that so that when I said, oh, okay, and then I am Pretending to read your intro while I'm actually filming you come out So there's a nice video of Lauren coming out

But you'll hear it on on just how people are going crazy and people are standing up. It was so nice It was very nice. So you're gonna hear this It was live from Seattle at the Moore Theater. Great crowd. There's a thunderstorm in the middle of it. Yes, very exciting. Some great stuff. So listen to this podcast in remembrance of us. Let us proclaim the mystery of faith. Enjoy. Enjoy! Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend.

Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend. Come and be my friend. Get it all out now. Born in the city, moved to the burbs. Hey, Born in the city, moved to the burbs. Hey Siri, did I put you on Do Not Disturb?

It activated. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yes. Thank you to Slack Slad 233 for that catchphrase submission. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, Seattle, Washington. Oh. So excited to be back here. I believe this is our third or fourth time at this beautiful Moore Theater. Love it here. I have family in the area. This feels like a hometown show for me. They're here tonight. I love it.

My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. So wonderful to see you all out...all out here. Ooh. Bad start. Terrible start. To be fair, the green room is up four flights of stairs. And I just ran down here.

Welcome to the show. We have a great show for you tonight. I really think you're going to enjoy it. This is our biggest show of the West Coast. So many people here tonight. We love it here. Can I ask how many people here have never even heard an episode, don't really know what this is? Good, no one down here. I appreciate that. But some people up there, you don't know what this is. Okay,

let me explain it. Essentially it's a live podcast taping. Three of the most exciting words in the English language. I'm the host. I'm going to bring out guests here. These are guests, some of whom I've spoken with before, some of whom I've never spoken with before. Actually, tonight I've spoken with all of them. Come to think of it.

But we have not talked about the conversations we're going to have. We have not pre-planned these conversations. These are purely extemporaneous conversations we have never had before. We will never have them again. I'm not speaking to any of these people afterwards. It's just lights up straight into the limo for me.

It's just lights up straight into the limo for me. So this is just a purely a show where we're going to have some fun and we have no idea what's going to happen tonight. Does that sound good? Okay. And we do have a good one for you. Tonight we have an inventor. Wow. Yeah. We have a medical marvel. And we have a musician. Wow. Out of those three, the one you think would get the biggest reaction. But no, you loved inventor. Incredible. Well before we get to all that though,

we do have one piece of business to attend to. Fans of the show know what this is. Of course, we're talking about the balcony report Seattle. Here we go. This is a spontaneous eruption of people chanting BR, which is of course the nickname for the balcony report. The balcony report for those of you who don't know is a part of the show. We like to take time out of the show, especially at the beginning and only at the beginning, to tell the listener at home, because the listeners at home, they're sitting there, they're imagining the show, and they're like, what is the room like? That's the question that haunts them as they're listening to this.

They're trying to visualize the room and their mind palaces and they can't do it without the information of how many balconies are in every venue that we perform in. So that's what I'm here to do. I'm here to point out how many balconies are in this very room tonight. Yes. Yes. It is, of course, the most exciting 15 seconds in podcasting. And I'm not only going to tell you how many balconies are in this room tonight, I'm going to tell you how many balconies we have performed in front of across the entire 2024 tour. That's right. I've been keeping track. Now, we have played 29 shows up to this

point. That's right. We have performed in front of 29 balconies. Pretty even, Steven. We'll see exactly how that changes when I give you the second number, which of course comes after the first number I'm going to give you, which I realize I gave you an extra number right then when I said 29. That's a bonus number. Enjoy that. That's for free. And Seattle, Washington, I am pleased. In fact, I am pleased as punch to announce the Moore Theater has a whopping two balconies! They're all up there. They're going crazy. They're going crazy. Some people have signs up there that say BR and then 32. What does the 32 stand for? We didn't count the second one. Oh.

Oh. That is embarrassing for you. That's a balcony we already performed in front of. I can't count it twice. Well, this is a good thing because I don't like spoilers when it comes to the BR, so I'm going to give you this second number, and it's going to be significantly larger than the first number I gave you, by about 29. And the process I'm using for this is I'm going to take the bonus number, 29,

I'm going to add it to the first number that I just gave you, and then I'll come up with the second number, which is going to be lower than 32. All right, here we go, Seattle. This on our 30th show, we have now performed in front of 31 balconies. Yes! You did that! You did that! Be proud, Seattle.

Be proud. Hey, how's it going? What's going on with the four chairs next to you? All right. Well, guys, are you ready to start this show? This is very, very exciting. I'm going to get my phone out. I want to make sure I get this introduction right.

I mentioned I have family in the area. My sister lives here. Please welcome her son, my nephew Todd. Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm so freaking excited! Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm so freaking excited. Oh my God. Oh my God. Hey, Seattle? Yeah! Yeah!

I'm gonna need a water. Can you roll one out? Hi, Uncle Scott. Hi, Todd. How are you doing? I just forgot you were gonna be here. What did you think was gonna happen tonight? I was gonna do my show.

My standup. You've been working on standup? Standup parenting. I would love to hear it. Here we go. All right. Uh. You all ever, um, you all ever like when you jizz

and it hurts? Because sometimes that happens. Sometimes that just happens. It hurts. Yeah. When you're thinking about her too hard. That girl or guy. That's right. Todd, that's it, just one joke?

No, that was just the start. Oh, that was the start. That was the setup. So perhaps we'll return to it during the show. I could do the rest. The rest. The rest of the bit. Oh, the rest of this bit, yeah.

Yeah, okay. Okay, so I'm in middle school. So school starts tomorrow and I'm... Oh wait, okay, hold on. Let me start over. So I'm in middle school. So school starts tomorrow and I'm really scared. How old? Middle school. But school starts tomorrow and I'm really scared. Forget it.

I don't know. I'm nervous. Forget it. You're too nervous. I understand. Take a sip of water. Okay, okay, okay. Collect yourself.

School starts tomorrow on a Sunday? Yeah. Oh, you must mean Sunday school. Yeah, Sunday school. It starts tomorrow. I'm supposed to learn all about Jesus. What do you know about him so far via context clues? He's long. What do you mean?

Wingspan. He had one of the longest wingspans in Jerusalem. Super long wingspan. Long legs, long feet. Wiki feet scores off the charts. People fucking love it. His hair was long and he had a really great belief system that I love.

What about the miracles? Do you know any of the miracles? Some of the miracles he did? Yeah. Oh yeah, well I mean there were a lot. You know, he was an amazing man. He walked barefoot so we could run. I don't think that's an official miracle.

What's your favorite thing that Jesus did for you? Did for me, personally? Yeah. I mean... You're always crying about him at night. Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! That's all I hear you doing. Well, he died for our sins, of course.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, mainly yours. You feel bad about any of those? I'm starting to get worried about you. Really? Why? Todd, by the way, you've been living with me... In a dog crate.

Let's just say it's not comfortable. It's comfortable if you were a dog. You have to admit that. I have to admit that. Yeah. But I don't want to. You'd love it. I would love it if I was a dog.

Well, I'm here to drop you off with my sister because you've been staying with me now for how long? I mean, the last time I heard from you is like 2019 or something. I know. I haven't seen you in a while. Your house is so big. I've been up to no good What have you been doing? I had two kids

Babies having babies what that dick do though My dick works get yourself a man who can do both. Yeah, I can do both. Yeah, one can do it. Make him, oh exactly. I was gonna say, make him and raise him. I'm a very good father. Oh, are you really? I love to play games and I love to play toys

and I love to skateboard and do kickflip ollies in the back and backyard and show off to my kids. They love it. Are you teaching them how to do any of the skateboard stuff? Yeah, I put them on. Right when they're born, I kind of strap them on and do a big loop-de-loops. They can kind of get a feel for it.

You got to start young. So they're not scared. So they're not scared. What's your biggest fear, uncle? What are you so afraid of? Why do you cry at night? What are you crying about? No, really. No, really. No, really? Yeah. What are you cry at night? What are you crying about? No, really. No, really.

No, really? What are you so scared of? Heights? Heights doesn't really affect me. Heights, Heights, baby. It's more, you know, the impending fear of the nothingness that comes with death.

Hmm. And spiders. There we go, yeah. Spiders are scary. They are. Yeah. Especially the furry ones. What?

It's like, the ones that have all the fur on it, it's like, guys, take it easy. Where do you see those? Are they in our house? No, they're not in our house. Okay. Yeah. Because if there was, you'd have to kill him. You're a man now, Todd.

No, I'm not. I don't even have pubes yet. But you had two kids. I jizzed in a jar. Until you get pubes, you can only jizz in jars. Yeah. Those are the house rules. I know, no socks allowed.

Yeah. What do you do with all those jars by the way? Well I took the two that you requested down to the sperm donation place. Okay, so you knew I was doing this. You signed the forms. And thank you very much. I love my kids. They're amazing. And the $200 that you got for $200 yeah you're very involved in their lives and so involved I know it was I wasn't supposed to be I found them I wouldn't I want knocked on doors until I figured out who looked like me they had little mustaches I have four hairs oh can't you see those are new yeah those look great They just came in. Oh really like a year ago. I haven't seen you in so long. I know it's a big house

You've been well, I've been good watching lots of TV Crazy stuff on there. Really like what's going on that guy with all the wives. I want to be like that the Mormon the Mormon with all the wives. I want to be like that. The Mormon. The Mormon. You don't know what the Mormon is? It's a show called The Mormon? It's called The Mormon and My Wives. The Mormon and My Wives?

Yeah. So this is a person talking about a different guy who's with his wives? Yeah. He's a Mormon and the other guy's got all the wives. So good. Wow. All the women have different kids and they all live in houses that connect through the underground. They can go over whenever they want. Wow. And sleep with their husband. That's the one thing they can do. They show that. They show that part too. They show that. Really good. I feel like you're watching porn. I don't know.

Hmm. Am I? You'll know it when you see it. Well I guess I don't know. Hmm. Am I? You'll know it when you see it. Well, I guess I don't know. And believe you me, I see it a lot. You watch a lot of porn? That's what you're doing when you're crying. God, I've been so worried about you for all these years, but not worried enough to talk to you. I'm doing good. I'm doing good.

We have a baby in the house now. Oh, yeah. I did hear that. Yeah. Yeah. So. How's that? You like being a dad? We can relate about this. Yeah.

Yeah. No, that may be the crying you've been hearing is... Uh, I don't know. It's after she goes to bed. Oh, okay. Yeah. When you're pounding the wall. The baby's crying. Oh, okay. Marriage story style.

Yeah. But no one's with me. Yeah, I don't know. I'm starting school. I'm story style. Yeah. But no one's with me. Yeah, I don't know. I'm starting school. I'm so nervous. Yeah. What is- I mean, this is a big time in your life.

You're starting- I know, I'm starting middle school. Middle school, yeah. What if nobody likes me? Yeah. How do you make friends? Well, Todd, you have to just go right up to the biggest kid in school

and just punch him right in the face. Really? And then everyone will know, no, no, not to fuck with you. That works? Yeah. Oh, God. And then you make friends with the Aryan Brotherhood.

Mm. Okay, I'm taking notes in my mental log. God. Are you gonna drop me off again and walk me up and hold my hand? Yeah, if you like. I do like. I'm happy to do it. I want me up and hold my hand? Yeah, if you like. I do like. I'm happy to do it.

I want you to be the coolest kid in school, Todd. I appreciate your support. So I'm gonna hold your hand the entire way, pat your little rump as you go up. See, that's the part I wanted to talk about. I feel like I'm too big for that. Really, Todd? Yeah, you do it every night before bed.

You say, we didn't see each other, but I did hit your butt. I'm like a ninja. Yeah, I know, but I feel it when I try to catch you. I never can. Cause you were all black and you slide on the ground and you get your big sticky hand ready. I have the foam finger that I use.

Okay, that's what it is. I thought it was a sticky hand. I could never see you. You don't turn the lights on in the house after seven. Is that your religion? Or is that just something for bills or something? If you don't turn them on after seven, you don't need them before seven, so... Huh? Because the day... it's daylight.

It's daylight? Before seven? All right. Anyway, daylight savings time's coming up. You got any plans? Oh my god, for that extra hour? Or did it just come? I think we may have just...

Spring and fall, that's right. We're in the middle of summer now. Okay, what would you do if you had... What would you do if you had one extra hour in your life? You could do anything in the whole world with that hour. So like, what hour would it be in between? I guess, well, the daily savings comes at 2 a.m. But that's not really a good time to do whatever you want in the whole world.

Could I get one from like a between 11 a.m. and noon? Yeah, sure. It's not real. So like whatever you want can be. So when do you want it? If it's in between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. I'll just sleep. Oh my God. Look at us.

But if it's like an earlier time, I'll fit some stuff in there. Look at us, two dads just like, getting into it. It's at 11 o'clock, okay? It's 11 a.m. 11 a.m. Before the clock switches over to noon,

suddenly it goes bing and it goes Back to 11. Back to 11. You're time traveling basically. I'll just redo whatever I did at 11. What are you doing? What were you doing? What do I do at 11? Confess! What were you doing?

I'm a very, very busy person, Todd. This is why I don't get to see you. Okay, you're just gonna do more work. Always working, no time to play. I'm sorry, I'm like an Ebene person Todd this is why I don't get to see you. Okay you're just gonna do more work always working no time to play. I'm sorry I'm like an Ebenezer Scrooge but without the ghosts and them all the money. I know you sleep in a pile of gold coins you make me bite one every day just to see if they're real so I have no teeth and just these pegs. I want new teeth by the way. I think when I start school and I have these pegs, people are going to have a problem with me.

They're going to wonder why I have these little snaggles. I think you'll be okay. You think so? Kids aren't as judgmental as they were when I was in school. Really? Yeah, people, you can do anything, you know, and everyone has to accept you. Is that true? Yeah.

No one's allowed to bully anyone anymore. All right. I guess it'll just be me then. Yeah, you're a great kid, Todd. I am great. I'm really excited actually because I feel like this is the year I'm gonna get in a real relationship. Really? Yeah. That's so great. I mean, is there someone at middle school that you like? Mm-hmm. Who? Well. Dish? Okay. Spill the tea? He's... Five-ten. Okay. I'm listening.

He has a twin who's five-ten. Okay. She's a girl. Okay. They're the parents. What? Their son has a sister. What? Their son has a sister.

Okay. She's 4'10". She loves math. Okay. She has a teacher. Okay. He's 6'9". He's really smart.

Okay. I hope so. He has a student. Okay student who's 5'1". It's a girl. She sits next to a girl who's 4'2". He's a girl. She's a girl. She sits next to a guy who's 5'1".

They sit behind a girl who's six nine. Just as tall as a teacher. She sits next to a guy who's five ten. Okay, who's next to a girl who's four two and that's my love. Wow. Her name's Brenda. I love her so much. What qualities do you love about her Todd? All the people she knows. She's a beautiful species. All her own. Long black hair out the door. Little braids and beads and they're just a beautiful glass.

It's as thick as the day is long. So you're physically attracted. And her personality's got, I mean, her looks are nothing compared to her personality. Really? I love personality. Really? What's she like?

She's got this personality, her throat's so deep. That's what you got to look for in a woman. Good personality. And her voice is really low and husky. And she says, come here baby. I love her so much. Yeah, have you told her? Not in those words.

I've used other words. Which words did you use when you tried to express your love? Oh, I'm spilling water all over the dang-on place. That's all right. I'm sorry. Don't worry about it. OK. Boy, you're really nervous when you talk about her.

I get nervous. I start sweating. Yeah. The only words I've ever said to her are, ugh. She runs like the wind. I mean, that's fast for a four-two. So fast. Yeah. The hair gets caught and everything. And then I help her get out and she barely says, thank

you, no time. She has a job. Where does she work? Grocery store. She's a clerk. A clerk? Do they still have clerks? She's a clerk at the grocery store and she's a stock girl. A stock girl and a clerk? Yeah, she does it all. She's a really jack of all trades. God, I want to make her mind so bad. How did you win your wife? Well, it was very similar. She was in high school. Yeah. That's what I thought.

So you know how to talk to high school girls. That's older than my girl. She's in middle school. Don't worry. I wouldn't even try to date a girl that old. I wouldn't know what to say. Yeah. Well, I mean, you don't have a lot of life experience.

You know, we could do is we could role play. I'd love to. What's her name again? Brenda? Brenda. I'll be Brenda. Okay. And you'll be you, I guess. Great.

Or we could switch. That makes more sense. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so you'll be Brenda and I'll... Okay. Okay. Okay. Thanks Uncle Scott, thanks Uncle Scott, I love you so much. Thanks for patting my little butt on my way in here. You're the coolest. I'm sorry

about all that stuff I said about you on stage. You know I love you so much. Hello. Hey. Hi. Hi. Sup, baby? Throat's deeper than the Grand Canyon. What else is new? What are you typing there? My will.

I'm leaving my backpack to you and everything in it. What's in the backpack if I may ask? Condoms. And a set of bed sheets to make a bed wherever we lay. Do you think that's what she would say? Okay, because like I have notes about the stuff you said. Let's try it the other way, because I feel like you might know what she would say

better than I would know what she would say, and I don't know. Okay. Bye, Uncle Scott. I hope you rot in hell for the rest of eternity. Oh God. Hi, Brenda. Hi. What's up? The sky. That's amazing. Do you want to go to the school dance with me? It's on Friday.

Friday what? Friday the 13th. Ooh, scary. Are you too scared? I'm so scared of that date. We could just stay at home and watch a scary movie. Really? What kind of movies do you like?

Just like anything that's about like a killer who's coming to my house. Do you like that kind of movie, Brenda? What's your name again? Todd. I've been sitting behind you for four classes. Where my hair is? Yeah. Hmm.

It's not working. It's not working. Hey Todd. What? Come and read what I just wrote. Okay. It's a letter to you. I just met a boy named Todd.

He's the best boy I ever met. I love him so much, and I hope to always marry him forever and ever. Todd, if you're reading this, this is about you and for you. Let's do this. Love, Brenda. Rip.

Wow. Todd, I love you. Oh my God, I knew it. This is amazing. But you're just my Uncle Scott. I don't care, let's kiss. No. I'm not gonna fall for that again.

Fucking creep. But none of that even happened. Fucking creep. But none of that even happened. It will happen, Todd, if you believe hard enough. It felt so real. It did. It felt so real. Did it feel real for you too?

That's weird. I felt like I was back in high school again. You looked like her when you did it. You really looked like her. Like your hair got long, you got small. I could really see you. You really got, you became Brenda. We should do, we should try to do like a Freaky Friday situation. Let's do it right now.

Okay. I go into you, you go into me. I wouldn't describe it that way, but yeah. Alright. Okay, let's make a wish on that light. Okay, that light right there? Yeah, don't look directly at it. Just throw your eyes up there. And on the count of three, make a wish that you were me and I was you.

Okay. Okay. One, two, three. I wish I, you have to say it. I have to say that loud? Yeah. I was doing it internally. But if I just say, I wish I was you

and you don't say anything, then we're both you. And that's gonna be a disaster. Okay. One, two, three. I wish I was you. Hey, what's going on? I'm a husk. I'm just a body.

You're just a body without any sort of sentience or any kind of brain in there? I'm just a body with no brain, no sentient. But you can move and you're still alive? That's true and I have thoughts, feelings and desires. What are your desires, child? I'm actually 49. I desire a relaxation rest and a vacation. An RRV? RRV. And who are you? I'm Scott and Todd? You seem to be two people. I'm also Todd. Oh no he's fighting for his own body. Yeah, it's pretty cool in here.

I guess I misjudged him. I don't think it worked. Being old as hell is really cool. No, I don't think it worked. Oh what? Ugh, someone was off about that. Hmm, guess it didn't work. Guess it didn't work.

We tried. Ugh, we did try, really tried. Really, really hard. Can I sleep in your bed tonight? Just because you're dropping me back off with my mom and it's my last night with you? I guess so. At the hotel? Yeah. Can we watch a movie?

Yeah, sure. What do you want to watch? Like the good old days? That would be nice. I mean, we haven't done that. Just made a big tub of popcorn and drilled a hole in the bottom. In a long time. God, when that butter gets so ooey gooey. But I got a kernel stuck in my peen last time.

That's why we had to stop because I was coming up my butt. That's what happens. You told me to tell that story. That's true. I didn't want to talk about that. I didn't want to talk about that. That was a bad medical moment. Yeah. That would be nice. It would be nice. Just curl up. Under the duvet. Turn the air down to 52. Just chattering teeth. Just so cold. That'll be good. Just like the good old days. You're gonna miss me a lot.

I will miss you, yeah. You've been with me now for? 15 years. 15 years or so. Something like that. It's been a long time. I should have left you. Without a dope beat to step two.

Step two. We always said that to each other. I know. We always did. That was the pledge we made to each other. I know. We always did. That was the pledge we made to each other. But you know, I'm a dad now. It's like life has changed. Yeah.

I have these kids to worry about. Yeah. I have to go back to school. I have a kid, yeah. You have a kid. It's like things aren't like how they used to be. I know, but you know what? Just for tonight, they can be again.

Really? Yeah. We can just forget about those kids. Forget about those, fuck those kids, as Michael Jordan said. Michael Jordan? Yeah. What did he say? about those kids. Forget about those, fuck those kids, as Michael Jordan said. Michael Jordan? Yeah. What did he say?

Fuck them kids. Oh, okay. I thought you were talking about another Michael. No. All right. You thought I was doing Michael Jackson? I didn't think that, you thought that. We can, instead of watching the movie,

let's just put on Michael Jackson's greatest hits. Yes. We'll sing along and we'll moonwalk. Beat it, just beat it. That's what I'm gonna do tonight. Because I'm bad. Just for tonight it can be like the old days. It's human nature.

Yes, PYT. To beat it because you're bad. When you think about that PYT and you can't help but beat it because you're bad. The way you make me feel. It's human nature. I'm bad. The way it makes me feel, I's human nature. I do it. The way it makes me feel, I beat it.

Because I'm bad. I'm bad. When you say them like that, gee, Michael Jackson was a weirdo. Sometimes I just look at the man in the mirror and I beat it because it's human nature. I'm bad. All right, Todd, everyone. Todd. Thank you.

I think there's a reason they call it a health journey, right? It's because these things take time and any program you're on should not be selling some one-size-fits-all fix to all your nutritional questions. Weight Watchers has been the trusted authority in this space for decades. It's because they want to help us all towards building healthier habits. And now they've introduced the Weight Watchers Clinic. If you qualify, you can access doctor prescribed weight loss medications and receive support from a dedicated care team. You'll get virtual one-on-ones with board certified doctors focused on weight care, insurance coordination to help minimize your cost, one-on-one consultations with a registered dietitian and medication management such as support navigating medication shortages

all through the Weight Watchers app. Weight Watchers fits your needs whether it's through their clinically proven points program or for those that medically qualify, access to doctor prescribed weight loss medications and registered dietitians in Weight Watchers clinic. See how Weight Watchers fits you at WeightWatchers.com. That's WeightWatchers.com. Hi, I'm Emily Deschanel. And I'm Carla Gallo. And we're here to bring you... Boneheads!

The official Bones Rewatch podcast. 16 years ago, we met on the set of the TV show Bones and have been friends ever since. I played Dr. Temperance Brennan. And I played Daisy Wick. We're starting from the top and working our way through all 246 episodes. The show lasted a very long time.

Very long. Tune in every Wednesday to laugh with us, to cry with us, to cringe with us, and hear all our juicy behind-the-scenes stories. Boneheads from Lemonada Media is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Caregiving in America is hard work, and it's universal. At some point in our lives, we will all need care or provide it.

Yvette Nicole Brown, who you might know from a little TV show called Community, is the primary caretaker for her dad Omar, who has Alzheimer's. He's a big part of why she's hosting Squeezed, a new podcast from Lemonada Media and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. It's a show about regular people like me and you or future you navigating this caregiving journey at every stage of life through the hard and joyful moments. Squeezed is out now wherever you get your podcasts. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who's coming out?

Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Todd, can you stick around? I'm so excited. I can stick around. I got nowhere to be. You wanna move over here?

I wanna sit over here. So you can look at your friend. Okay. Who's your friend? Well, this is someone I met once before. Okay. So an acquaintance. He's an inventor. Who's your friend? Well this is someone I met once before. Okay, so an acquaintance. He's an inventor.

Whoa. Have you ever invented anything, Todd? I come up with a few things. Popcorn machine. That one already exists. Oh, when I put the kernel in my... Oh, one that... Thirsty?

Thirsty much? He's an inventor. What did he invent? What did he invent? Thirsty? Thirsty much? He's an inventor. What did he invent? What did he invent? Well, I'll tell you because it's in his last name.

Oh, tell me. Yeah. Okay, I'm excited. The thing he invented is his last name. It was named after him. Okay. Please welcome to the show Charles Dumpster, everyone. Charles Dumpster.

Wow. Hi Charles. Hi Charles. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay.

Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay.

Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay.

Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Piss Pigs Unite. What's happening? I don't know. Hello Scott, thank you for having me on the show once more. Wow. I haven't seen you in quite a while. That's right, when was the last time we spoke? It was years ago, I believe.

2016 perhaps? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. You invented the dumpster? I did. That's amazing. Hello, young man. Hey. Have you ever thrown trash in a dumpster? Every day.

I thank you. All right. Do you get residuals for that? I do. You get residuals when I throw trash in? Whenever anyone does. Is it residual trash or that? I do. You get residuals when I throw trash in? Whenever anyone does. Is it residual trash or money? It's residual trash.

Oh. Whoa! What a strange thing to do. He's a litter bug. You must hate that. I do. I was just... I tried... Yeah, I tried to throw it in the dumpster. I missed, but.

I don't see one anywhere close to here. Do you think they would appear out of the sky? Sure. If you throw it, it will come. No. Not true, as it turns out. Hey, do you stink? No.

I smell delicious. Okay. Common misconception. I smell like ginger Okay. Common misconception, I guess. I smell like ginger snaps. Famously! Wow. Amazing. Here's why I don't stink, young man, but that's a very good question.

Okay. It's because I originally conceived the dumpster as low-cost housing. For people to live in. Yes! The very definition of housing. The idea was it was going to be portable housing, you could link up several dumpsters and have a dumpster mansion of your own, like I have. That sounds great.

It's kind of like the Mormons I was talking about, but they made it into a big house instead of a dumpster, and there's a bunch of houses and they all connect underground. You can go over and have sex with the man anytime you want. What a wonderful story. He told me to tell you about that. Thank you. He whispered in my ear, tell him that one. Are you two related? That's my uncle.

Yes, my sister's boy. You could tell, couldn't you, from our chemistry? I can. And you look almost identical. Yeah, we're twins. But age difference of, well, what grade are you in? If I was in a grade, what would I be? It goes up to 12.

I guess you'd be in like 60th boo finally they're booing I didn't get the math I'm sorry no I think I'd be I don't care okay what do you want to talk about Charles dumpster well what do you want to talk about, Charles Dumpster? Well, what do you think I want to talk about? Trash. No. Dumpsters. Yes.

Alright. Context clues. Exactly. You're smart, you're a man. I'm starting school tomorrow and I'm scared. Congratulations. Thanks. What grade are you in?

I'm going into middle school. Good. It's good to have a middle. Yeah, it's between the other two. Yes! It's like a sandwich of schools. You have beginning school, middle school, and end school. Yeah. Are you married, sir?

No, I was, but... What happened? She died. Oh no! Yes. Since the last time I saw you? Yes. I was a bachelor for many years and then I found a lady that well we just hit it off. That's great. It was until she

died. Wow I'm sorry. That's all right. Did she die mysteriously or no mysterious? It was unmisteriously. I saw it happen. Really? Yes. What, you witnessed a death? Yes. What happened? She was christening a ship. Oh, I thought you were gonna say a baby and she fell in. To the baby? No, to the water.

That's one big baby. How much water would there need to be? I thought it was a weird way to die. Nobody helped her. Context closed. So christening a ship. Yes, I had made a series of dumpster type ships that I thought would help the US Navy.

What does it mean when you christen a ship? Because I know about christening when you christen a toilet or a bowl or a bed. Or a Kleenex. Yeah. So like, what'd she do on it? Like have sex? No.

Okay. The idea was she was going to break a bottle of champagne over the lead dumpster in the fleet. Wow. Why do they do that? It seems wasteful. And it litters glass onto the ground. True.

Hurts the ship? It doesn't really hurt the ship. I'll stop you on that one. How do you know? Did you ever ask the ship if it felt sad? Of course I did. I talk to ships all the time. And it said, I feel fine.

Not one of them has ever said they were hurt. Anecdotal. You asked straw man argument. I don't think so. Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse. Stalking a horse?

Stalking a horse. Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse. Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse?ucking a horse. Stucking a horse. Stucking a horse. Stucking a horse.

Stucking a horse. Stucking a horse. Stucking a horse. Of course, of course, of course, of course, we all love to stalk the horse. And the horse has to be found. You must go get into the crowd. There you go.

Ah, ah, oh, I'm not good at that. That's all right. That's just. Are you doing a horse? Yeah. You know if you stalk a horse too close, you'll get kicked. Ah, that's mules I think. Never mind.

I think horses can kick people. But they don't. They don't, really. No, a horse will let you know. I could kick you at any time. Do you feel like you know everything? Yes. It's a burden sometimes. You seem like you do.

You just have that energy. I've spent my life consuming knowledge because I want to help people, don't you see? Oh, great. That's why I had the idea for the dumpster. Well, wait. I want to go back because I asked you about your wife, and I wanted to ask...

Oh, you do want to revisit my wife's death? Thank you. Not that part. Not that part. I want to talk about how you met her, because I'm trying to get with this girl, okay? And I don't know how to talk to her. How do you talk to her? Well, we met on the apps,

and it was my first time trying the apps. Like which ones? It was a new one for older people called Old Bones. But there's no O. It's just old B and Z. Oh, I thought there was no old and old. No, there's an O and old. There's no old and bones. Just B and Z, old bins. Old bins. You want us to like that. You love old bins.

Exactly. Well, that's why I chose that one. Yeah. And so we matched right away. Whoa. We had our first date. Uh-huh. Where? Behind a restaurant, in a dumpster.

Was it clean? Yes, of course it was. I arranged it ahead of time. BYOD. That's exactly right. Beyond. Did you have a meal? Did you Lady and the Trampet?

Yes, we did. Wow. I engineered that as well. We had a plate of spaghetti. And I had an Italian way to sing your song. And I made sure that the spaghetti was one long strand. That was it? And then we, what do you mean?

Just one long strand, that was all? Well, then there's no chance that you won't Lady in the Trampet. Exactly. She knew. Look, she was on board. Come on. She knew what was happening.

She knew what was happening. Sure. Do you like to kiss with food in your mouth? I love it! Exactly. Look, she was on board. Come on. She knew what was happening. She knew what was happening. Sure. Do you like to kiss with food in your mouth? I love it! The more the better! Good. That was a thing we shared in common. Oh.

We would eat food and kiss all the time. Thanksgiving was our favorite holiday. I'll eat the turkey. I'll eat the mashed potatoes. We'll mix them together. I'll eat the turkey. I'll eat the potatoes. Let's make lots of money. Getting back to your wife's death. Yes! Yeah. How did it happen? You made this group of dumpsters that you were trying to clean up Trash Island or something?

No. I never said that. I thought you said that. No, I never said that. It sounded like you said that. I swear he said that. I never said that in my life. Okay.

In your life? In my life. Say it right now. I'm not going to be tricked. Nice try though. Love a young boy. I'm a stand-up comedian. Are you really? Oh, you want to do some more of your act?

Oh yeah, give me a topic. All right. I don't know that stand-up comedy usually works that way. No, there's like a guy right now doing crowd work and stuff. It's really good. Oh, Matt Rife, of course. Yeah, like I'll do that. Okay, you want to do some crowd work?

All right, racism. No, oh no. Now, I'm going to do some more of your stuff. I'm going to do some more of your stuff. I'm going to do some more of your stuff. I'm going to do some more of your stuff. I'm going to do some more of your stuff. I'm going to do some more of your stuff. I'm going to do some more of your stuff. I'm going to do some more of your stuff. I'm going to do some more of your stuff. I'm going right now doing crowd work and stuff. Oh, Matt Rife, of course. Yeah, I'll do that.

Okay, you want to do some crowd work? Alright, racism. No, oh no. No, no, next one, next one. Misogyny. The woke mind virus. Next one. Next one.

Domestic violence. Next one. Next one. Antisemitism. Next one. Swipe, swipe, next one. Something like lighter. Oh, let's see.

The differences between men and women. Perfect, okay. Next one. Swipe, swipe, next one. Something like lighter. Oh, let's see. The differences between men and women. Perfect, okay. All right, you ever, you guys know how men and women are really different? Woo!

One of the biggest differences is tits versus dicks. And that's one of the things I've noticed. Woo! Netflix, Netflix, Netflix, Netflix, Netflix. I'm gonna have my own special. I got a trillion dollar deal. That seems like a lot of money. It's too much, I don't know how to spend it. Especially considering you have to ask people

what you should talk about. Hey, that's what they're doing these days. So now your wife was christening this. I don't know how to spend it. Especially considering you have to ask people what you should talk about. Hey, that's what they're doing these days. So now your wife was christening this dumpster. Yes, the lead dumpster of the fleet of dumpsters. She slapped a champagne bottle. What's that thought? She slapped a champagne bottle on the chip.

And then? Give me two seconds, dear. Give me two seconds, yes. Chip. Yes, okay. And then? Give me two seconds, dear. Give me two seconds, honey. Okay. All right. And then she did. Honey, honey, give me two seconds, honey. What?

Honey, you're a lovely young boy. And then what? Give me two seconds, okay? Right, okay, yeah. All right, thank you, honey. I created these. So she was like. Honey?

She couldn't believe. Sweetie, Harley. Cause what? Cause you're you're good boy okay good boy then what happened I tried to talk now okay yeah right no I know I know yeah no that's not yes right okay okay and that's when she did that yes cuz she cuz she did that cuz she cuz she did that, right? Because she did that, right? Is he okay?

Because she did that, right? Is he okay? Is he okay? He's not okay. Make him move. Make him do something. Make him do something. Uncle Scott, how can you sit here? Todd, Todd, Todd. What? I think he's waiting for you to stop talking. Oh no, what do I do now?

Let me make a wish. Make a wish on the light. Three, two, one. I wish they'd come back to life and do a Freaky Friday situation. She was christening the ship. And then? And then she got killed. She got... And then she got killed.

Let me just... She hit him and then she got killed? There's a sweet little boy. Let me just... She got killed. Stop one second. So she did it and she got killed. Shut the fuck up for a second.

Shut the fuck up. So she got killed. She did one... So she did it and she got killed? She christened the ship. So she did it and she got killed? She christened the ship. So she got killed. She christened the ship. So she up. So she got killed? She did one thing. So she didn't get killed? She christened the ship. So she didn't get killed? Christened the ship.

So she got killed? Christened the ship. So she didn't get killed? I can just tell you. So she didn't get killed? I can just tell you what I'm gonna say. So she didn't get killed? You need to shut the fuck up.

Go ahead, go ahead. Get a hold of your son. Go ahead, go ahead. Get a hold of your son. I want them to switch back. I wish they would switch back. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. The idea was these would be shipped to the US Navy. Oh, I smell good. I smell good. I smell Ugh. Ugh. The idea was these would be shipped for the US Navy. Oh, I smell good. I smell good. I smell like ginger snaps. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. How would that work? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The US Navy has never had this low production of warships. Isn't that sad? It's very sad.

To think our Navy doesn't have enough ships of war. And that's what she. They're out there undefended. Exactly. So I said, how about some seaworthy dumpsters? You could put a bunch of guns in them. Only takes one guy to sail it. And then he's good. Instead of building a bunch of guns in him. Only takes one guy to sail it. And then he's good.

Instead of building a bunch of big ships, why don't you build thousands and thousands of little boats filled with guns? Yeah. This makes sense. Thank you. So. Then she died.

Sorry, I just feel like you weren't like. Todd, he's getting to it. I think he forgot what he was talking about. She swung the bottle of champagne. She said, I christened the dumpster of the sea. And she swung the bottle of champagne on the rope. It hit the boat. The glass splintered everywhere.

Oh no. And then a drunk driver came onto the pier and killed him. Wow. It was the pier and killed him. Wow. It was the middle of the day. Yeah. In the ocean. That's, I mean. Doesn't take place in the ocean, dear. By the ocean.

It's next to. I thought there was a boat. No one could see that coming though. You know, you can prepare for almost anything in this life. Don't you know what one person did? He saw that drug driver from way aways and he confessed to me later. He said, I thought that guy was gonna be trouble.

Well, that's such a shame. I'm so sorry. Yeah, truck break. Yeah, I mean, you met on the apps and then this happens. We had a wonderful time together for the brief amount of time that we were together. That's right. I mean, comparatively with human history, all of

our times together are brief. That's what I said to the doctor when he pronounced her dead. And then he said, did you want this to happen? And I said, no. How rude. It's a pretty poetic thing to say right in that moment. I thought so. This doctor did not have the soul of a poet, I suppose. Did you quote my uncle when you said it? Yes, I said, I believe it was Scott Ackerman who said, when you think about it, in the vast experience of human time, all of our time is brief,

or some such words to that effect. That doctor later had his license revoked. Ooh. For what? He was putting Legos in people. Were they all part of one set? Yes. And then his dream was to get them all together. And what would they make? They wouldn't make anything. He would just laugh at them.

Oh. Because he would know. He was going to set up a big party with an X-ray machine, he was going to have everybody go through one by one, and then put them on a big screen and say, ha ha ha ha ha ha. There's Legos in all of you. And they make this Harry Potter Wizarding World. That's a big set. That's a lot. Yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot of people. It's an expensive set. Have you priced them lately? Yeah it's like $3.99 probably. I'm not allowed to do Legos ever since the last time. What happened? Well I put him all on the floor

right by Uncle Scott's bed and then he stepped all over him and fell right into his bed which broke apart into two pieces. He fell down to the lower level of his house, fell right through into his big cold plunge. He was freezing cold, screaming, crying, drowning. He had to be rescued by the jaws of life because the cold plunge closed on top of him. The doors of it closed? Mm-hmm. And then when he finally got out,

he put all the pieces back together mentally, no pun intended about Legos. Not Jacob. He figured out that I did it. I got in trouble for four weeks of punishment. Too bad you didn't get it on video. Yeah, it would have been really funny. It could have been America's funniest.

Yeah, he almost died. Off-sag it, he did die. Yeah. Oh. I wonder how many people in those videos died like three seconds after the cuts off. Yeah, the editor, they do a lot of work on that. It's 75%. I've looked into it. Yeah. And yet we laugh and laugh.

Most of the deaths are from being hit in the testicles. It doesn't feel good. It can be fatal. It kills you right away. Yeah, it kills instantly. Mm-hmm. Have you ever been hit in the testicles, Todd? No, because I'm alive.

Oh! Oh! There he goes, up to heaven. His spirit flying away. Come back, come back, Todd, come back. Whoa, that was crazy. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. What'd you see?

The last 15 minutes. It's all that mattered. What? Being here with you, Charles. Thank you, darling. You've made a big impression on me. I'm glad to hear that, son. I wanna be just like you when I grow up.

That's nice to hear because- And not anything unlike you. Well. That's the center of a single white female situation. Head to toe, you, me, that's it. Oh, I don't want to have to kill you with a high heel. Spoiler. So Charles, have you invented anything new?

Well, I'm working on something. You know, because I intended dumpsters to be affordable housing, I thought, instead of doing this off the ground, let's go up into the sky. Cloud dumpsters. Well, very close. Ooh. I'm working on a dumpster needle. Ooh.

Like the space needle here in Seattle. What's that? What's that? What's that? It's this thing, it's down the street. What is it? I haven't gotten to see it either. He makes me keep the blinds closed.

Well it's long and thin and tall. So I have seen it. Sounds like Jesus actually. Long and thin and tall. Is this Space Needle the Jesus of Seattle? Sir, is the Space Needle the Jesus of Seattle? I just found out what the Space Needle was. It's down the street. It's a thing down the street. So what is what is your idea?

Dumpster needle. Dumpster needle. It's going to be a sky high dumpster. Wow. That you can live in. It's got a mesh lid. Wow. For ventilation purposes. Sounds beautiful.

It is beautiful. And you can link them. You can link them from one needle to another. How many needles? Thousands and thousands. The idea that they could cover the earth and blot out the Sun. Is that something we want? Let's try it. We spent all this time not blotting out the Sun. Honestly, global warming, it

might cure that. They're like a really tall like this? Like one? They're really tall like this. It's one dumpster? No, there's a dumpster on the top. Oh, what's this part? It's like a big tall... It's like a what? Stop doing that. Yeah, it looks like a balloon maker about to come. Well, this is incredible. Thank you. Oh God. Would they have windows? No.

Would they have walls? Yes. Would the sweat drip down my balls? Probably. Probably, that's safe to say. Wow. Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. Wow. Skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet. Wow.

Skeet skeet skeet skeet. Because I think that it's time we lived in the clouds. We lived up in the sky. Yes. Instead of crawling down here like ants, why don't we soar like birds? So you have to come down to like go to the store, like you know, go to work or school. Oh. You could, you could create slides. Oh. You could create slides.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry. I kind of, I didn't factor that in. Sorry, sir. It just seemed like a wonderful idea to be up there. It never occurred to me all the other stuff is down here. I guess you could like just do Zoom. For groceries?

Just look at them and think about it. You could invent Zoom for groceries. Okay, how does that work? You're the inventor. Yeah, you already came up with such good ideas. Just do more. Yeah. Do an idea to fix that.

What have I done? Just created a world where there's a bunch of boxes full of skeletons in the sky. What kind of monster have I become? It's like a reverse cemetery. It is. Well, Charles Dumpster, you could be proud you're the inventor of the reverse cemetery.

That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. No one ever thought of it. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I invented the reverse cemetery.

That's right. Charles Dumpster, everyone. Charles Dumpster. Hi, it's me, Ricky Lake. You probably know me from my hit 90s talk show, but if I'm being totally honest, I was juggling so much and didn't have time to stop and think about what truly went into living a full and vibrant life. Well fast forward to today, I'm 55 and a half years old and I am happier than ever.

And I'm so excited to help you find your joy on my new show, The High Life with Ricky Lake. Together we'll learn new ways to live better. Listen to The High Life with Ricky Lake from Lemonada Media, out now wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Lori McGraw, a leader in healthcare, technology and innovation. I'm on a mission to inspire more women to launch and lead successful business ventures.

Welcome to the Inspiring Women Leadership Lab, brought to you by Lemonada Media. Each week, I'll talk with business visionaries to get advice, tips, and wisdom for women leaders. The inspiring women leadership lab is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Do you hear that? Yeah. Yes. Oh, it might be the monorail or something. Does the monorail go right above this theater? Thunder. Thunder. Thunder. Thunder. Thunder. raining? Yeah. Thunder. Thunder. Thunder. All right well we have to get to our next guest. I promised everyone a

medical marvel. What? That's right. That's crazy. It's crazy. But I've spoken to this. Don't make promises you can't keep. Well, you're going to see it right here. I've spoken to this entity a few times. Please welcome to the show Peanut Parton, everyone. Wow. Hi. Oh no. Help me God! Kill me! Oh no.

Oh, a soft place to sit for once. Oh God. Oh Scott. Peanut, is everything okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh no, oh, a soft place to sit for once. Oh God, oh Scott. Peanut, is everything okay? No, I'm in pain. So few guests say kill me right away. Well I'll be the first one to mean it Scott, put a bullet in my head.

Oh no. Todd, did you bring the guns? Yeah, for protection the guns? Yeah. For protection. Sure. Yeah. Well, we need protecting right now. You want me to, that's not protecting.

I'm in pain. Uh, I don't feel comfortable. You could do it. Okay, well I'll go up to the green room. Let me tell this little boy my story and then he'll wanna kill my lights out. Okay, okay, yeah, I'd love to hear it. Todd, you've never met Peanut Parton.

No, we haven't met. Pleasure to meet your acquaintance. Have you heard of Dolly Parton? Yeah. Do you think she's a hottie? Do I think she's a honey? Do you think she's a hottie? A hottie, yeah, I mean those big bazongs.

Those secret tattoos we all know about. Yeah. They're not just big bazongs. They're wango jango hongo slongos. They are, yeah. They're like big mango tangos. They're mango tango double wango, floor to the floor ceiling fango.

Yeah. They're like big banana bazungas ready to shoot and kill. They're zunga zunga double shoot, shoot to kill, titties for will. Yeah, they're like two coconuts times a million and ready to burst with milk. Not just the coconuts, the whole tree, barking up a coconut tree, clanging together like milk.

Wow, they're like two red hot peppers ready to spice up your life. Peppers on a pizza, two double pizzas, extra cheese, birdish pineapple pepperoni. Yeah, they're like two big deep dish ready to spice up your life. More like Spice Girls, every single Spice Girls,

Sporty Ginger Extra Baby. Yeah. They are like that. I gotta be alone right now. And I gotta die. Oh no, okay wait, so what, yeah. Yeah, you barely got into your story. What about Dolly Parton? Well, so what, yeah, you gotta, what? Yeah, you barely got into your story.

What about Dolly Parton? Well, so now you know how perfect she is. She was made in a laboratory by scientists. That makes a lot of sense. But they fucked up a couple times trying to make her. And I was one of the previous Partons. Oh. That's why I'm all gooey.

Yeah, you, you left quite a trail. Dolly Parton was like the 15th draft or something like that? Oh, it took almost 100 to get to her. 100, wow. Angel, angel in red. She's dancing for me. I'm losing my mind, Scott.

I need to be shocked. Oh, my God. Do you know any Dolly Parton songs? No. Oh. Anyways, so you can see my body is a mess and I've been hanging on for dear life since the day I was created,

but now it's my time to go. Well, I guess that's all I needed to hear. I'll kill you. Thank you, little girl. Where's our purses? Hold on. Listen, disgusting creature. Hold on, hold on. Where's our purses? Hold on. Listen, disgusting creature. Isn't there something that you see in life

that's worth living for? No. All right, do it. Okay, I guess I'll do it. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. We're being hasty. We can't just, first of all, if I kill you, I'm gonna go to jail the rest of my life. And my life is so long ahead of me. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, hold on a second. Wow, we're being hasty. We can't just, first of all, if I kill you, I'm gonna go to jail the rest of my life. And my life is so long ahead of me. I'm just a little thing.

You are a sweet little thing. So. Couldn't we give you the gun and you do it? Right here on stage? I don't know, can those gooey hands hold onto a gun? No, that's the problem. My skin's inside out, I got only four little pieces of blonde hair, my dimples are so deep they hurt.

My butt is my shit, my shit is my butt. My tits are on my asshole. I piss blood and my blood piss. My heart is my stomach, when my heart beats I fart. Everything hurts. Oh wow. Okay, but I think Mr. Dumpster had a really good point that sometimes when you're really depressed,

you have to think about the good things in life, right? Like, I don't know, what's something that makes you happy? There's so much that's good in the world. There's thunder, the space needle. Have you ever read any of the novels of Dan Brown? The Da Vinci Code? Jinx, toilet jinks, now you can't shit either. Uh oh.

Oh, that's gonna be bad for you. I think so, medically. Are you from a dumpster? Because that's part of the reason why my life is getting worse, from a dumpster. My dear, I'm not from a dumpster. I created the dumpster. My dear, I'm not from a dumpster. I created the dumpster. Well, I was holding on by thread before, but things are even worse now

because I fell asleep beside a dumpster and it was full of dogs and because my blood is part peanut butter, they came for me. And now I'm pregnant with a wolf. Oh. No. It's eating me from the inside out.

Kids. Pregnant like the wolf. I'm a really good dad. I could raise your child. I don't think this thing can be born. I don't have a tutu hole. Oh. So it's just gonna try to eat its way out?

Uh huh. That's what she said. Who she. She did say it. Yeah. That's literally what she said. So anyways, after you kill me, I'd also like you to have a funeral party here. Okay, who do you want invited to your funeral? You, Scott.

Really? You're the only one in this whole lifetime that was kind to me. Well, I've been pretty nice. Uh, darling, Merton is coming for me! She's going bowling with her big old bowling balls. She's dangling her titties on the roof again. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, ah!

I'm scared. She's done this before. It's a scare tactic. Don't give in! But are there any of the other ones that you know, any of the other models that were made that you're still in touch with? Oh, some of them are out there, Willem Dafoe.

Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.

Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. You should reconnect with him and try to be like family. That's something to live for. Sure. He doesn't want to see me. He's the Green Goblin and I'm pregnant with a dog.

I can't show up to my high school reunion like this. So you went to high school? Yes. Did you go with a bunch of other? What was your favorite subject? I guess it must have been English because I love poetry. That's something they made for me in the Petri dish. A love for singing and in songs like Dolly Parton. Well this is great that's something to live for too. I mean you probably know a lot of really good poems. I don't remember anything now.

My brain is all crudded up. Think, think creature, think. Uh, uh, uh, uh, two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Gohar, this is beautiful. One was that way. That's right. And the other one, my child, it was Dutter Way. Dutter Way, yes. Dutter Way.

And I, I took the Dutter Way. That's Walt Disney. Yes, it's beautiful. It sounds like it's about you. I mean, you're kind of like marching to the beat of your own drum. I hope you play drums at my funeral. Oh, I will.

You want that? I mean, do you want me to play drums? You give the speech, you sing the song. You can do whatever you want to the casket. Oh, thank you. Does everybody like their jobs? I do. Yeah, I feel like I've gotten to know you so well.

I could definitely make a really good eulogy. Of course I'll sing the song. Yeah. What do you want sung at your funeral? A song about my life, but sang to the tune of nine to five. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Now ask stuff about me in it. I'm not as... I'm not as booped. I'm just a little one and I've never had a real job. Okay, you're getting the singing job.

What do I do? You still make the speech and you can do whatever you want to the cast. I may have fucked up intentionally. You're bad. You're bad. Do you want to try? Sure! But this one's got more of a Jolene vibe to it.

But still starts with stumbled out the lab. No. Thank you. It starts with peanuts. Peanuts, you know it. Yeah. Oh, is it peanuts plural? Huh?

Your name is Peanuts or Peanut? Peanuts parton. But the song can say peanuts plural. I'm peanut-ing for two. Hmm. You can sing it about Peanut and the dog, bitch baby, if you want. All right, here we go.

Peanut, Peanut, Peanut, Peanut. She died when a wolf tore out of her abdomen. Peanut, Peanut, peanuts, peanuts. Please think of her disgusting us now and then. That was good. That was perfect. That was really good. Now there's also the matter of my will.

Who would like to be the undertaker of my will? I can handle it. Okay. I just read it and stuff? Did you leave anything to the three of us? Oh, am I in there? Oh my god, I hope so. I don't suppose there's anything in that will of yours for me.

I don't own much, but you can have my sixteen marbles. Dang, I wanted those. You can have my Sabrina the Teenage Witch CD. That's good. And you can have my $650 million. What? What? No way.

It's the craziest thing. I turned up to Chase Bank, and it turns out my fingerprint is the exact same as Dolly Parton's. Whoa. So I got all her money. Including Dollywood? Huh?

You've never been to Dollywood? No, I'm afraid of that place. They'll kill me, but I wanna die. What a conundrum. You see, if Dolly Parton ever sees me out there, she'll kill me, because she doesn't want everyone to know she was made in a laboratory. Right. Oh, yeah. So that's why she's on the roof right now.

Oh, dangling her titties and thundering up the dome. Wow. She hates my guts. What's Dollywood like? Are there rides? Yes. All the kids all jumping on the big old titty trampoline? Yes. It's like two big loop-de-loops. You've been there a lot, huh? He goes there every summer.

Ooh. It's kind of his thing. But on cold days, do they serve warm milk? From the titties? What's it like? I've never been, I'm asking what it's like. On a cold day, they serve warm milk. Yeah, you drink it out of a titty bottle. Everything in the park is a bosom. A functional bosom.

That can serve milk of any temperature. Yeah, they could do cold if it's a hot day. Is this too much for you? Where am I? Peanut, peanut, come back to us. You're here on Comedy Bang Bang. The dog is biting me from the inside. Oh no, are you losing a lot of blood? Yeah, the odor I get, my blood used to be smooth peanut butter

but it's turning into crunchy peanut butter. So if you slide into over into a vein, just a few dusty peanuts will fall out. Why wouldn't we do that? Well, I was gonna say I'm hungry. Can we do it? Sure. Oh, hearing about dusty peanuts may be hungry.

Not you! Not with your Coke now. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Psh! Oh!

Ooh! Oh, it's like a vending machine. Oh, wait, wait! vending machine. Oh wait, wait. Do you want it salted? Mm. Perfect. That's really good. Maybe you're right.

Maybe I don't have to die. How old are those? What was the turnaround exactly? I saw for a moment that maybe me and this little boy could open up a peanut factory together. That could be something. I mean, my uncle's kind of pawning me off back to my mom. I kind of want to escape and go do something cool.

You want to stay with me for a little while in the alley outside of the New York apartment of famous actor Willem Dafoe? Yeah. I bet he throws out really good stuff. He does. That's where I got the Sabrina the Teenage Witch CD. Is it just like audio from the show?

It's the music from the show. Oh. The Spice Girls have an unreleased track on it. Really? And that's true. Do you know it? Yes. How does it go? London town is walking, you know what's really talking now.

Why wouldn't that be a single? Gosh. That's what I'm saying. Somebody fucking kill me. me no I think this is great you start a Willy Wonka style peanut factory this goes really exciting for me yeah so I could be like the Willy Wonka and you could be the little Oompa Loompa I don't know these references I'm blind you're blind you make really good eye contact I told you I was born inside out, so everything that's supposed to be on the outside is on the inside.

I have eyes but they're looking into my brain. Oh. Ah! Dolly's back! My Dolly's back and you're gonna get in trouble. Boing boing, slap boing, boing boing. She's mad. She's mad. She's mad. And when it rains, she grows big. Really big. Like a giant.

She'll gobble us all up if we're not careful. You know the movie Honey, I Shrunk the Kids? Yeah. It's like that but opposite. And when it rains, and if it's Dolly Parton. Oh, so it's like Honey, I blew up the kid. That's the one I was thinking of. What is Dolly Parton?

And it rains. And it rains. Yes. It never rains in that movie. Do you think it rains in every movie? I don't know. Someone should be keeping track. Which movies have rain or which don't? It's hard to say. There should be a website.

Does this movie have rain? Yeah, so you know if you want to go or not. Or they could tell you, like, the timestamp of when the rain is you can watch that part yeah yeah you've never seen a movie I know no oh they're so good movies are so good okay it's like the best thing to do to okay it's amazing okay you'll never. Did you ever consult a doctor to have your eyeballs turned the right way? What about the rest of your problems? I thought I thought we'd start with the eyes. Okay. Well the scientists who made me don't

give a care about me anymore. They said I'm too far gone. I'm sorry. They were your only parental figures, right? That's right. They were my only friends. I'm so sorry. And now Scott, you're my only friend, so if I want to bequeath you this $600 million, you're going to have to come with me to Chase Bank. You ever been to Chase Bank? Sure. Once or twice.

You ever been to the fingerprint part? I've never reached that part. Oh, that's because that's where the rich people go. Sure, once or twice. You ever been to the fingerprint part? I've never reached that part. Oh, that's because that's where the rich people go. Oh. Yeah. You must admit you had that coming. Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, I've been listening to a lot of Triumph the Incest Comic Dog. The Incest Comic Dog? Triumph the Incest Comic Dog. Yeah. So I'm learning to do burns. Oh. And you ain't rich.

Well, try to burn me. I'm just a middle school kid with high hopes and lots of ambition and I'm starting to school tomorrow. And a regular man's dick. Regular man's dick. Well, because you don't know that one time I made a wish on a machine to become big and then when it went back to normal my dick stayed big so it's kind of a curse.

I've never wished harder for a hole to put that, but I haven't got anything. My body has no holes really and everything that's ever gone into it is still in it. Whoa. Every food I've ever eaten, ugh, I'm crampy. That must hurt. It does hurt, but my dimples are deep enough that maybe you could have a little fun with them. I don't know. I'd have to get permission. Oh please, Uncle Scott.

No, no. Everybody's saying please, Uncle Scott. You're too young, Todd. Thank you. I was scared. I know. Yeah, I could tell. Okay. What are you guys saying over there? I'm deaf. What? You haven't heard anything we've been saying?

Huh? You make a lot of sense, considering you have no idea what's going on. I just walk wherever I'm walking and I say what I'm gonna say. Okay. It's actually kind of not surprising. I'm glad it's been working out.

Well, tell you what, can you stick around and we'll kill you at the end of the show. I'll stick to everything, Scott. I'm sticking to this chair right now. I'll stick around forever. And you didn't hear what I just said. You just said that.

All right, Peanut Parton, everyone. Peanut Parton. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who's next, uncle? Who's next, uncle? Who's next?

Well we have one final guest on the show. Who could it be? I feel like we're building this up too much. I'm getting with excitement. Let's just say there's a reason I've been bringing up Willem Dafoe. No. Willem Dafoe. No. Willem's not here. We have a musician. Ooh.

Do you like music, Peanut? What? Oh. He's been on the show before. Please welcome back to the show, Randy Useless, everyone. Randy Useless. Oh, yes. Hi.

Oh, good. How are ya? Nice to meet ya. Hi. Hi, my name's Todd. Todd, nice to meet you. Hi, Randy. Hi, Randy. Hello.

I don't think you're, I think you were building up the exact right amount. Me, a high energy, dynamic vocal musician here to round out the end of the show. Wow. You better buckle up. You better buckle the fuck up. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Randy, it's great to see you again. Hey, it's good to see you. This is my nephew, Todd. Hey, what's up? Nice to meet you. It's great to meet you, a musician. Wow.

What's it like to live your dream? It's great, thanks for asking. It's great. Not just a musician though, Todd, I'm a vocal musician. Oh so you sing? Not exactly. Okay. I'm a vocal musician. I intonate spoken word phrases in select moments of songs. So you're like a throat singer? No. You intonate? No, no, I mean I do use my throat but no it's a normal voice. I speak words. Okay. Like a didgeridoo? No, not like a didgeridoo. Great guess. Could you speak them faster? I could. I could.

Are you like one of those things where like you just run your hand over it and like a del... what's it called? A delirium? A del... Delorean? Delorean. A doodle! You know what I'm talking about. Are you trying to say theremin? Yep. Oh boy.

You're like a theremin. Nope, no, I just use my regular voice. Kazoo! Not a kazoo. Just use my voice. You kind of do like a weird thing where you take like a bottle of water and it looks like you're drinking within your puppet talks. Mm-hmm.

Nope. It's ventriloquism. You're thinking of ventriloquism. Oh, I am thinking of that, and I love it. That metal sproing sproingy thing you put in your mouth, then it goes, bow bow bow bow bow. That's a... Mouth harp?

Yes. That's the more polite way to say it. Yes. I know the other term, and I sidestepped it. Thank you. And by the way, Scott, I am talking fast. This is as fast as I talk. Whoa.

I appreciate that. I amped it up. I just had six cups of coffee. That's why I'm bouncing off the wall. Did you say you looked it up? I looked it up. And you had six cups of coffee. Six cups of coffee?

So you wrote it down in your diary and then you went back and checked. Yep, I wrote down six cups of coffee. I looked it up. You wrote it down in your diary and then you went back and checked. Yep, I wrote down six cups of coffee. I looked it up and that's all the inspiration I needed. You're gonna have to go to the bathroom soon, sir. Here's hoping. I had six cups of coffee a few years ago and they're still rolling around in my belly,

so apologies if it smells like spilled milk over here. It does smell like spilled milk. That's coming up from my insides. I've had one cup of coffee in my entire life. Do you know? Oh yes. I could clear things up I think by citing perhaps my most famous performance.

Yes, I of course know this because we've spoken before but. Yes, you of course know this and you didn't have to be reminded at all I There's a song by in vogue called never gonna get it Yeah, and the fans of the song are here. The song are faint and scattered, but they are here, but they love it It's a classic classic song. It's a classic song They're gonna get it never gonna get it never gonna get it never gonna get it played on the radio. It's a classic, classic song. It's a classic song. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it.

Played on the radio. It's like that, yeah. Played on televisions, played in school dancing. And about three fifths of the way through that song, I come in and I say, and now it's time for a breakdown. Oh, you don't sing the never gonna get it, never gonna get it. No, that part is. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. And now it's time for a breakdown. And we talked about this before. You weren't meant to be on the track, right? No, I was selling life insurance to the record engineers.

I'm the vice president of actuarial statistics for Aetna. And I was trying to sell life insurance and they said, how much is this going to cost? And I said, now it's time for a breakdown. This was about the numbers and breaking out the rates and policy premiums and the annuities. But the record button was pressed. Little, I didn't know anything about it. Who pressed the record button?

I did. Once later, I was walking down the streets of Hartford, Connecticut, outside my insurance company's office. Why were you walking that day? Was it a warm day? It was a warm day. I guess it wasn't the most purposeful walk. Do you usually drive?

I usually go for a trot. But it's a particularly warm day, so I slowed it down to a walk. Wow, I could really picture that. Thank you. Well, I'm an artist. You have a way with words. Thank you. What if we gave you a song and you made that part

that you do so well in the middle of the song we made? I think that'd be great. All right. You want to start us off? Yeah, OK. But you can't repeat, now it's time for a breakdown. It's gotta be a brand new phrase. Oh yeah, you can't say the same one.

No, that would be stupid. But it wasn't what I was thinking. I'll definitely do something new. It also, it has to be about insurance. Of course. It has to be. But the song doesn't have to be. No, no, the song can be about whatever we want.

The phrase has to be about insurance, but in a way that could be construed as something else. Okay. Any other rules you want to throw out here before we get started? You have the easy part. I agree. I know, I have to think of a whole song right now. I'm not complaining, all I have to do is a spoken word part,

nothing like the one thing I've done in a way that's about insurance, but also relevant to whatever the fuck you guys do. Okay. Let's do it. Nothing like the one thing I've done in a way that's about insurance, but also relevant to whatever the fuck you guys do. Okay. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. If I could fly.

If I could fly. If I could fly. If I could fly. I would fly so high. I would fly so high. I would fly so high. I would nearly touch the sky. I would nearly touch the sky and slap the face of God. A term can be in four units or three.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Interesting. Interesting. And then everyone in the club goes crazy. And then generally, in my experience, three or four people go, never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. That makes sense. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it Never gonna leave. Never gonna leave. And get it! Cool. That's a hit. That's a hit. Really good. You know, it is like a didgeridoo. I apologize. I apologize. Can't get that out of my head. That tune was so good. So catchy. Anyway,

so yeah, you're doing your own anyways. I'm sorry, is that your area? No, hey. You're the host. You're... I apologize. No, no, no, no. Hey, usually I provide the anyways. I shouldn't be doing the anyways. But no, no, no.

Anyways. No, no, no. I insist. You anyways. Okay, all right. Anyways, what are you up to now? Nothing. No, okay.

Have you... Are there any other songs that you've intoned over? I have. I have none as famous as that. On Gimme More, I said it's Britney Bitch. You said it's Britney Bitch, not Britney? Yes, again, I didn't know I was being recorded. What were you referring to?

I was talking about an Englishman's knees and his pants, and I said, it's a Britney's bitch. But I also hit the record button and that went out on the song. What are you hitting the button on? I sell a lot of insurance to recording engineers and I insist on meeting them during work. Oh, is that your insistence?

At my insistence I'm like, I'll sell you insurance. 80% off if I can come in while you're recording a song. 80% that's too much. in while you're recording a song. 80% is too much. I'm in trouble at my office. Are you in a relationship? What a diplomatic way to say you were bored. Yes. I'm not bored. Oh yeah.

I kind of have a one track mind. I'm going back to school tomorrow and the girl I like is going to be there and I'm just like, I don't even know how to talk to girls. We tried to role play how to talk to girls. It's very, it's. But you're so cool. You're a musician. I'm a musician.

For me, it's easy, but I sympathize. Yeah, I guess musicians just get it all. They don't even have to try. Don't even have to try. What's your body count? That's sick. Awesome. You have Riz.

Yeah, that was a lot of Riz. What's my body count? And you're saying how many people with whom I have had intercourse of a sexual nature? Yeah. That's what you're asking? That's what I'm asking. You're asking me to tell you to quantify

my sexual history in a number? To tabulate. I see. My number is two. And they were both easy peasy. Were they both alive? Yes. What? It's just body count. It sounds like something different. It does sound like something different. No, these women were alive. Oh good.

Were you in... Before and after. Yes, before and after. Yes, well, I mean one of them is dead now, but not because of that. Are you sure? Are you sure she wasn't dead before as well? I guess I didn't like super check. I mean, she was talking and like moving around, so I was like, she's alive. Okay, this is getting weird. And then we had intercourse and sometime later she was dead.

Not because of that. Why? One of the two women has passed. She wasn't hit by a drunk driver at a boat christening with she. Hey, what are you insinuating? I mean, stranger things have happened. Stranger things have happened.

On Netflix. On Netflix. Streaming now. We're sponsored by Stranger Things. Sorry, everyone. Only Stranger Things. What's Eleven doing? How did this woman die?

I demand to know. I'm taking my glove off, sir. You're taking your glove off? Yes. That means you mean business? That's right. I felt like when I heard I was gonna slap you across the face with my glove. Oh She died of a piano. Oh good. Oh, yeah. It fell on her? Nope. She fell in it? Yep

She fell on the piano. From like a great height? Nope. From a small height? She went a lateral leap into a grand piano. Wow. She jumped in? She just did, yep. She was singing and as a big finale she went whoop right into the grand piano.

Terrible. Then she knocked the little leg off and it closed and she got piano string garotted into about 88 pieces. Oh, 88 pieces. It's like Ghost Ship. I guess 87. Or 89. Is it 89?

It's 88. There's 88 strings. Oh, how many pieces? 88 strings, the pieces would be 87 or 89. She jumped in and immediately went lengthwise, so she covered all the strings, The top closed, 89 pieces. 89 pieces. How did it sound?

It was like, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Did you have sex with her? No. The sex was far in the past of that, hours before. But you still knew her. Hours? Yes. This is the night you had sex with her? And then she was singing, and she did a vertical horizontal leap straight into a piano? That's right.

She sang a song I assumed to celebrate our relationship. What was the song? Captain Jack by Billy Joel. Did you add in your special flair? I did. It was unnoticed by the room. Okay. I feel like that's not the takeaway from that moment. Everyone watched a woman die like that and you're like, no one heard my thing? You asked him.

Well, yeah, I'm just saying. I didn't know she was dead. So I said my thing. She jumped in the piano and unbeknownst to me was sliced into 89 pieces. And then I was like, oh, great. Nobody noticed that I said anything. And then somebody opened up the piano and was like, this woman has been horrifically sliced.

But what did you say? Yeah. I said, and nobody heard me say my thing? That's the thing that you said in the song? What was your thing? Oh, no. I said it, and now it's time for a breakdown. You said that again? and nobody heard me say my thing. That's the thing that you said in the song? What was your thing? I said it, and now it's time for a breakdown. You said that again?

You reused your old material? Yes, have you never done that? No. I don't know, I mean, I could think of a couple insurance things you could say. I don't know anything about insurance, but like, you know, claims. Tell us all about insurance.

If Captain Jack is going to get you high tonight, take you to his special island, there must be some insurance concerns. Sure, there's the about insurance. If Captain Jack is going to get you high tonight, take you to his special island, there must be some insurance concerns. Sure, there's the flight insurance, there's a drug overdose risk as outlined in the song. It's all about drug overdose. No, I know what it's about. Yeah.

I lived it. We've never talked about this, Charles. And we're not gonna talk about it now. Okay. Whoa, what if we did? I refuse. But just a little? It's a very private part of my life

except for telling people that it happened. Okay. I wanna know about insurance. I think you're right. I should have said something different, but I went back to my old standby. That's okay. You know, I was in the bliss of love.

We had made love minutes before. Minutes now? This is getting closer and closer to the actual... It was befi- the point is, is that the sexual act was unrelated to the death. Did she kill herself because of having sex with you? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Are you sure? I'm absolutely- I get- because I remember her last moment.

She was like, Captain Jack will get me high tonight. Get me out of this existence. And then she jumped horizontally into a piano and with her foot kicked the thing. And I was like, that's a woman having a good time. I feel the same way, baby. And now it's time for a breakdown. Nobody noticed.

There were other people there. Yeah, this was at a piano bar. Did you have sex in front of them? Not in front of them, Scott. That's gross. Behind them? Behind them. We had sex at the back of the piano bar.

Nobody noticed, because two guys were having a duel of, don't let the sun go down on me. A piano duel. There was two grand pianos. Oh, I thought it was like a fencing duel. There was also a fencing duel. Unrelated. Who won each duel? What were their names and birthdays?

Let's see. Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me duel was Mark Haber, born April 1st 1972. Kathy Gale was on the other piano, born November 5th, 2005. Wow. Wow. She was a seven year old girl. She was a prodigy. Was excellent.

It was a long time ago. They were dueling it out, both playing Don't Let the Sun Go Down on my piano. Behind me was two fencers, Sir Chauncey Hendricks, born January 10th, 1939. Whoa. Whoa. And Powell Lightman, born December 1st, 2020.

So he hadn't been born yet. This is 2012. He wasn't born yet. Who won? The baby, the sperm in the test tube won because Chauncey died. Oh, he died too at the same time? Yep.

So it's a forfeit. He had natural causes. He had a heart attack during the duel. But everyone was- And it was a forfeit. That's right, it's declared a tie. If either person in a fencing mask has a heart attack, that's a tie.

But like two people died within two seconds of each other for different reasons in the same room. That's correct, right after, seconds after I had sex with this woman. Did you have sex with him too? No, I didn't have, not that night. I mean, not ever really. Sir Chauncey is the other, you're number one.

He's my number one, and then Linda was my number two. So they both died. I guess that's right, they're then Linda was my number two. So they both died. I guess that's right, they're both dead. The same night. So body count kind of did make sense. Body count has two meanings in my life. Peanut, you've done it again. Can't see, can't see, can't hear.

What's been going on? Catch me up. Someone write it down in a note and slide it across the floor and then someone else read it to me. Nevermind. God, what a day. That'll happen today? No, just me realizing that my sex

caused the death of two different people. Oh. This is 12 years ago. Did you go to their funerals? Because I'm trying to plan a funeral of my own. So if you have any tips and tricks, let me know. Tips and tricks for a funeral? Yeah, you seem like the guy.

Twix and chips and burgers and fries. Yum, I'm hungry. Better serve me. I'm waiting in line. Did you say mimosa? Did you say mimosa? Did I say mimosa? You said the mostah.

I'm just trying to get in here. Okay. This is an unfortunate life you've had. You haven't had sex in 12 years. You should never do it again. No, I haven't had sex in 12 years. Hmm. And you're just realizing it now?

Just the time got away from me. I didn't realize it had been that long. Well, you know, the years of COVID, that's a wash. They don't really count really. So it only feels like 10 years. Not 12. You should go to the doctor and see if there's something wrong with your milk cream.

Because you know how Spider-Man, he goes like this and he makes a web ghost shooting. Maybe when that stuff comes out of your dick, it sends a woman to kill herself in the piano. So if you get it checked and see if that's gonna happen more than once, I would say don't do the act again. I still don't think it was my milk cream shooting out of my dick that made her jump into the piano.

I don't think that's fair to say. How do you know? I guess I don't know 100% for sure. Did she mention? Because she immediately got, I mean she got sliced into 89 pieces. There wasn't like a huge post-mortem interview. We had sex, 10 seconds later she's at the piano. 10 seconds later.

She was singing a song. We finished, she's like, I gotta go. She ran to the piano, started singing Captain Jack, two lines in, and a perfectly horizontal leap into the grand piano, and then got cheese grated by the strings. They should make those piano lids lighter. So who's to say what caused it?

Yeah. They really should. Cause that would have solved everything. Right? It would have bounced right off or it would have been a lighthearted moment. It would have been fun. Instead, it was an oak lid that caused the death

of one of my two great loves. I don't know. I'm sorry I brought it up. Yeah, I know. I really wasn't expecting to talk about it. Yeah. That's how conversation goes, though. It's like you never know where it's going to go.

Anything could happen. Anything could say anything. God, that is wise as fuck. My uncle said that. I'm quoting him. Say it again? My, it's like. could happen. And you could say anything. That is wise as fuck. My uncle said that. I'm quoting him. Say it again. Uh, my, uh, it's like, you never know where conversation is going to go.

You say it again. You never know what, that's the way it is with conversation. You never know where it's going to go. It just, and then, and that's like what my uncle said. Okay. Right. You never know. Cause anything could happen.

That's kind of what it is. It's like, you think you're talking about one thing, and then someone says something back, and suddenly you have to say something back, and it's almost like, we gotta talk about this other thing now, right? Yeah. Charles Dumpster experienced that. I've experienced it several times.

Okay. All right, just checking. Did you get a text? No, I'm just looking up his name. Randy, you can't do that. I'm just looking up his name. Well, anyway. Did you get a text? No, no. All right, just checking. Did you get a text? No. All right. Just checking.

Did you get a text? No, I'm just looking up his name. Randy Ustas. So Randy. How could you forget a name like that? Randy, we're closing in on the end of the show. Appreciate the heads up. How much more we got?

75, 80 minutes? What do you mean by closing in? I think of the show. Appreciate the heads up. How much more we got? 75, 80 minutes? What do you mean by closing in? I think we should do another song that he can do in one of his special choruses in. That'd be great. All right, I'll really try to end strong on this. And then we'll, at the end, we'll kill Peanut Parton. Oh, goody!

You wanna start it? Yes! I'd say I'd help to kill her, but the only way I know is to have sex with somebody. I think somebody else should do the honors of killing her. Okay. I mean, at last, Peanut. Oh sure, I'd love to be sperm-shot into a piano and sliced to oblivion.

Well, there's no piano here, so we'll have to think about that. We'll make do. Here we go, here's a special song for Randy Useless to inject a little bit of his famous spoken word into. Thank you, Charles. Do you prefer a ballad or something up tempo? I want a mid-tempo love song about, that incorporates, that talks about AI.

Pfft. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Mid-tempo love song I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy.

I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy.

I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy.

I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a guy. Come over here and sit on my knee. Take it. I'm greasy, I'm sleazy, I'm covered in snot. I really wanna have sex with a robot.

AI, please take me away, cause I'm peanut parton and I'm down to play. I love you AI, you are my favorite pal. When I look at your name, I sometimes think it says Al. Oh, wow. Wow. I love you. This is where it slows down.

I love you so much. I can't wait to hold you. I'll do anything to make you love me back. I'm sorry, I didn't get that. That's our show everyone. Will Hines everybody. Lisa Gilroy. Mr. Paul F. Tompkins. Lauren Lopkins. Paul F. Tompkins! Lauren Lapkins! Lauren Lapkins!

Lauren Lapkins! Scott Aronkwine! Scott Aronkwine! Thank you, Seattle. You're our favorite. We love you. You're our favorite. We love you. Hi everyone, Gloria Riviera here and we are back for another season of No One Is Coming to Save Us, a podcast about America's child care crisis. This season we're delving deep into five critical issues facing our country through the lens of child care,

poverty, mental health, housing, climate change, and the public school system. By exploring these connections, we aim to highlight that child care is not an isolated issue, but one that influences all facets of American life. Season four of No One Is Coming to Save Us is out now wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm June Diane Raphael. And I'm Jessica St. Claire. And we would like to invite you on a hilarious and heartfelt journey each week on the deep dive. From navigating the chaos of motherhood and family to exploring the depths of grief and

loss, we are just two best friends who process life together and with you guys. Discover our secrets to finding joy amidst the madness and get ready for unfiltered conversations about life, love, and everything in between. And nails. We talk a lot about nails. Now, community is everything to us at The Deep Dive. We believe in the power of connection and the strength that comes from supporting one another, and we would love to have you with us.

So be sure to join us every Wednesday on The Deep Dive from Lemonade Media, wherever you get your podcasts.