Threedom - Pay Pay Cha Cha Chay

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

Lauren, Scott, and Paul discuss the gingerbread man, drivers license pictures, and car repairs before playing Crazy Pet Returns. Get Threedom merch at comedybangbangworld.com/merch. Follow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.com.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Coligard test is available by prescription only. Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! I'm Paul. I'm Lauren. Come on. What? Bring it home, bring it home. You got it. I'm Scott. Tell us who you are.

Tell us who you are. I'm Scott, everyone. I'm Scott, everyone. I'm Scott. She thinks I'm Scott. Look what I can do. Oh, he's flying all over the room. Red Nosed Mandeer. That's great.

Yeah. It is great. What other things have red noses? Drunks. Drunks. WC Fields. Rudolph. What else?

Sunburned people. Sunburned people? Those are top three. Gingerbread men, if you put a red nosed cinnamon candy on it. Gingerbread men, if you put a red nosed cinnamon candy on it. Did you know that gingerbread man used to run away? That's quite a jolt if you don't know that that's cinnamon. And you bite that.

Because gingerbread is spicy already. It is. But it's also quite a jolt. It's not for the faint of heart. He used to run away. He used to run away. He used to run away. Cash me if you can.

Cash me if you can. Cash me outside. I'm the gingerbread man. Catch me outside, how about that? How about that gingerbread man? He was very- Catch me outside, how about that gingerbread man? It was hubris on the gingerbread man's part. Oh, because he was gonna get eaten.

He's a fucking cookie. That's what he was made for. And he looks too good. Billy Iverson. Have I told the story about the gingerbread man? Oh my God, no! You had a personal experience? I did.

Please. When I was in kindergarten, did. Please, are you Shrek? When I was in kindergarten, we, yeah, I'm Shrek by the way. But at night I become Shrek, yeah. Oh, you're a were Shrek? Yeah, I'm a were Shrek. Oh, that's too bad. But the girl kind, I have big tits.

How big? They're bigger green. Did you have big tits? All right. Fiona? I assume. Proportionate? Yeah, she's's pretty large person.

Kept it under that like sort of old style dress. Well, you know, those will pump up your tits. Yeah, that's true. Oh, the little tits. Medieval tits. Yeah, horses. Pumped up tits. Wait, so.

I personally had a thing with the gingerbread man. I mean, do you want to know more about? He was gonna interject. I do, but I do have a question about Fiona. Okay. Was she secretly in Ogre the whole time? The whole time? The whole time?

The whole time? The whole time? The whole time? But did marrying Shrek make her become an ogre? No, no, she was. She was an ogre who'd been cursed, right? That was a reveal at the end. Or no, she was cursed by being a princess.

I can't remember. She was cursed. Oh, because to an ogre, that would be a curse. She was cursed, and then, you know, the guy, Prince wanted to marry her. Yeah. When's the last time you saw Strek? Probably Wednesday, honestly. Really? Really?

We have that shit on. It's in the rotation? All the time. Are you excited about Strek five? I am, I am. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't think I've seen four. Are you sure it's not four?

I have not seen four, but it is five. Okay, I think I've seen one and two, maybe a little bit of three. I don't know about four. So you're not a true strike head. Not yet, but you know, we try to parcel, parse these things out, parse these things out. Is that the word?

Parcel. Complete the sentence. Yeah, parcel them out. Complete the sentence. Hey there, you're a. Bitch ass. Pasta. Get your hat on, go gay. Is that song in there? Hey there, you're a bitch ass, get your hat on, go gay.

Is that song in there? Hey there, you're a bitch ass, get your hat on, go gay. Go gay. I'm gonna do that for karaoke and I do it by memory. This is what I remember. Turn off the words. Hey there, you're a bitch ass, get your hat on, go gay. Let go of my arms, let go of my arms.

Dude, get off the stage. I paid a cover. The gingerbread man. Now, when I was in kindergarten, we baked him. Of course you did. Of course. Okay. We go to the oven to get him out.

There's a working oven in kindergarten? So all the questions I have as I'm telling the story, but yes. What? Yes, there was a kitchen, I believe. In the kindergarten? It was a really big room a kitchen, I believe. In the kindergarten. It was a really big room in the elementary school that was for the kindergarten.

This is in Chicago, so you have to bake deep dish. Yeah, deep dish gingerbread man. Yeah. It's so thick. You put the frosting on the inside. Eee. The- Is that your jacket?

Gingerbread man, we cooked him, we baked him, however you wanna say it. Probably baked is how you would say. I would say baked. Yeah, one want to say it. Probably baked is how you would say it. I would say baked. Yeah, one usually would say it. We broiled him. We baked him, but he was cooked, if you know what I'm saying. And we went to open the oven and then that little guy was gone.

And then we had to go on a scavenger hunt through the school, speaking to people who had seen him. Oh, you had to? Yeah. Well, what happens next? We have to find him. Let's go ask so and so if they saw him. OK, we asked the nurse. She gave him a bandaid.

We asked. You know, that's the one I really remember. They're all in on it. And everyone, everyone went to the top. Saw him. Did the principal have anything to do with this? We saw her, too. She spanked him. Probably. And then at the end, we found him.

Say, would your principal sp spank by the way? In grade school? Yeah. In grade school I am old enough that there were still some old school nuns that would hit kids. Oh yeah, you had nuns. I feel like we had, like if you got sent

to the principal's office, that was a fear is you would get spanked. Wow, but did that happen or no? I think it might've, it must've, yeah. It's fucked up. I miss it. Oh well, cool, I'll do it for you, I'm sure. One time I- It's not the same.

One time- She puts her nuns habit on? One time my principal of my grade school made me stand in her outer office for a day. For a whole entire day standing? Yeah. That is so fucked up. I guess you can do it when you're a kid a little easier than that. No, that's terrible. I'd be like five minutes. All right.

Kind of have a little seat here. That's like the curious case in Natalia grace. It is rather like that. Too curious. They're making a scripted version of that. Called the orphan again. Yeah, it's called the orphan, but then they change it to Natalia. This is true. Oh, are you kidding me? Yeah. No, I don't want to see that.

I don't want to see that. Because the real story is such a fucking bummer. It's like one thing if you take the basis of that and make it into a... I don't know what this is. OK, the Curious Case of Natalia Grace is a docu-series that is fascinating about this case that happened a few years back, where this couple adopted a child from another country. Oh, I've seen some of this.

They had reason to believe she was a woman, not a child. Right. And, Man, I have reason to believe she's a woman. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. But they were extremely abusive, whether or not they believed that didn't really matter. They were really abusive people.

Exactly. If it's a woman, it's okay. I would say, I said whether or not. Oh. Exactly. If it's a woman, it's okay. I would say, I said whether or not. Oh, oh. If it's a woman, it's okay. Cause then you're just like, you know. Then you're just being shitty to a woman. Like we all are.

Yeah, yeah, that's true. No, but. No. I don't wanna give it away, give it away, give it away now, but at the end, there's a answer of whether she was a child or a grownup. How do they ascertain this? They do-

They finally asked her. Yeah. Okay. They interview a lot of people and they, I believe they do some tests on her and stuff. Some DNA tests? Something like that. Wow.

Do not associate? Do not stirb? Do not stirb. Don't stirb. Don. Do not stir. Don't stir. Don't stir me. Hey, what was the end of this gingerbread story? Oh, we found him. We ate him. Where was he? What made the minius end?

Limb by limb. Where was he? I don't remember where he was. Was it one big gingerbread man? Yeah, like a cookie. Everybody could share. Yeah. Like a Piza, but a gingerbread man Yeah, okay. He had M&M's in him if I recall correctly But when you put it on they go in

You mean like buttons? Buttons not like these are his internal organs. You mean like buttons. Do you remember? Do you remember at the time thinking they They were all over him, I think. What the fuck? No, they probably weren't. Like it had bullet holes in it? Rainbow bullet holes. The gingerbread man had cystic acne.

Do you remember thinking at the time like, this is real? Yes, I was very scared. Okay, and so in my house, we had this door next to the stairs that we eventually, that used to go to the kitchen, but then my parents sealed it off and put a fridge there, like just to make the, you know. But the door was still there for my whole childhood. Eventually they sealed it off, took the door out, but the door was there, just you couldn't open it. Tanner Iskra And I was so afraid of the door.

Tanner Iskra Absolutely. You would either be obsessed with it in a, I bet that leads somewhere magical, or horrors await behind it. I was very afraid, and every time there was something like this, I thought it was in there. Like the gingerbread man I thought was in the door. Then I thought leprechauns were in the door around St. Patrick's Day. Sure, absolutely.

Easter Bunny, gotta be in there. And I would just run really fast. Fireworks. Oh, I love that one. Just race up the stairs. That's such a kid thing. I would run past it. I love it. Yeah.

We had saloon doors at my grandparents' house. That's pretty fun. I thought those were very fun. And there was a porn area. Yes. Had to be over 18 to go in there. And there was a gingerbread man jerking off. There was always saloon doors.

Did you love to just push through those? I was a kid. I was so so so obsessed with saloon doors. Were you obsessed with the over 18 section of the videos, too? Yeah. I was obsessed with saloon doors. I was obsessed with saloon doors. I was obsessed with saloon doors.

I was obsessed with saloon doors. I was obsessed with saloon doors. I was obsessed with saloon doors. I was obsessed with saloon doors. I was obsessed with saloon doors. I was obsessed with saloon doors. I was obsessed with the video stores. Did you love to just push through those? When I was a kid, I was so obsessed with salud doors. Were you obsessed with the over 18 section of the video store? I remember when I turned 18, I went in it and it was pretty sexy, I guess. A bunch of VHS tapes with tits on them, I guess.

Yeah, one or two per person. I remember kind of seeing people go in there and just kind of going like, oh, what's going on in there? I guess you could like clock all the local per seeing people go in there and just kind of going like, Oh, what's going on there? I guess you could like clock all the local pervs who go in. Oh, yeah. Just catalog all the one, two, there's one, there's one. More than one person in there.

Anytime I saw the door open. I have never rented pornography and I would have hated to have been in there. And then another person came in. Rent is pretty intense because then you have a log in your file of all the titles you've rented. Yeah, the government knows. I used to work at Tower Video and we had a pornography section and we would rent porn to people

and everyone had to act like it was normal because it was, but still. It's normal. You had to act like the exchange of you knowing what porn they want. Yes, you had to keep telling yourself, this is perfectly normal and healthy. There's nothing wrong with this.

And watching porn certainly is, but the exchange between two people is odd. The exchange between two people is not something I was looking for to happen to me. But I will tell you this. But you made up for it in stolen videos. Let me tell you this story. Wait, did you get excited, not excited,

did you get, like when people walked up to you with a video like that, did you go, oh, oh God, oh God. Oh God, like, or were you like- Or would you rue the fact that- Like, you may mean like- Oh God, oh God, oh God. But also, weren't the videos when they rent them, it's just a plain cover?

No, it is not. Oh. But the video's not in there, you have to go back and get it, right? Cause with the regular tapes, it would be just a plain box in my video store. Like at a Blockbuster or something? At like my video adventure,

was what it was called, video adventure. My video adventure. It wasn't called my, but they would put them in a- The video adventure. In a blue plastic video case. And so they would all be the same case, but with a name on the side. No, these would be clamshell cases.

Most stores, smaller video stores have the actual box. Everything is in there, like no matter if it's born or not. These would be like those puffy cases, any kind of movie, with the cardboard box that it came in cut open. Yeah, sliced into the... Yes, to make it a book cover, kind of. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, you saw it all, baby. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, you saw it all baby.

And one time a customer came in who wanted to rent the John Wayne Bobbitt porno. It's a porno about the dick being cut off. No, it's a porno starring the guy whose dick was cut. It's called John Wayne Bobbitt uncut. Do you get it, Twink? I don't. It's like South Park.

Bigger, longer, uncut. Wow, that's crazy. Cause he was cut and now he's no longer cut. But they put it back on. They found it in a field. They reassembled it, yes. It worked. I hope it was his.

I know, because they're usually- How could you be sure? Every field has at least 25. You both missed it. My headphones just popped off the back of my head. You were so surprised. Neither of you saw. So this man had to fill out,

he had to create a new account just to rent this movie. Oh, well, I would create a new account with my fake name. And that man, well, he should have because that man was legendary director John Frankenheimer. Well, then he's just looking for it. It's just research. Yeah, it's just- For what? Well, we rented-

Well, I want to know if the dick has stitches all around it. We rented Edward Penis Hands when we were young just to see. For research? Well, I mean, it's like funny. I would bring that to a party. I was famed director, whatever name you just said. John Frankenheimer. Bring it to a party.

Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. I mean, people want to see. Why? It's not a sexy. You want to see if it's like Frankenstein. Yeah.

I want to see if it's like, are. Yeah, I wanna see if it's like. There's bolts in the sides. Are there scars? Right. Is it online right now? It's gotta be, right? I'm sure it's on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But RIP, John Frankenheimer. Oh, okay, he's passed.

I hope you have fun at your party. Good, so we're not speaking ill of the living. It also makes me feel, it makes me feel, makes me remember this one guy who came in. Oh yeah, it's all here online. This guy would come in every once in a while. This guy would come in every once in a while. He was an older gent and he had a funny driver's license picture that he must have done on

purpose. But the picture was like his eyes were slightly crossed and he looked like this. Paul for the listeners. Slackjaw. I'm slightly crossing my eyes and slackjaw. And I was like, good for you, dude. Yeah. But you made this happen. Yeah.

Usually they make you retake the picture. Absolutely. And they don't let you retake it if you just don't like it. I know. That's the thing. They want it intentionally bad. Yeah. Or unintentionally bad. Right. They want it intentionally bad. Yeah. Or unintentionally bad.

Right. They want it unintentionally bad. But they want it bad. Anybody out there listening that is a DMV photographer employee? Mm-hmm. I'm wondering. You're not, oh.

I'm wondering. I just phrased that so weirdly. I would like to know. Could you have a business where you do like Glam Squad right outside the DMV? I feel like no matter what I try to do, it somehow goes awry when the second I moved to the place, I'm going to say this to the DMV, get a better camera. How about,

when's the last time you updated that camera? Because at this point it should be a really high quality photo. Your phone takes a way better picture than the DMV. Also what I would like to know is why are you not allowed to smile in those photos anymore? You can't smile for your passport, can't smile for the DMV. I went to a... Maybe it's easier to look like someone else if you smile. That's an interesting theory.

I went to a like a rush place to get my last passport because I... Limbaugh? Yeah. He does it out of his garage. It's very fast. I went to a like a rush place to get my last passport because I limbo. Yeah, he does it out of his garage. It's very fast. Now he does it out of hell. But they they took a bunch of pictures and like let me pick and all that. And so I have a great passport photo. My passport when I took myself, oh, because that's an option to.

OK, what? Yes. I hate my passport picture. I went to FedEx, Kinko's. That's embarrassing too. Federal expedience. This lady had me, first of all, this one, there's this one FedEx near me that is the worst, but it's the closest one. Why is it the worst? Drag them. It's just always, it always takes a million years for somebody to help you. Yeah. It takes too long. It's too long. A million years is too long.

Everyone's done. Yes, I'm still waiting. Still waiting. Still waiting. At the photo. So this lady finally shows up and she just has me stand against one of the walls, overhead lighting, takes a picture.

It's like, this is shitty. We need a ring light. Let's get a ring light at the DMV. Like let's get a ring light at every DMV. How expensive could this be? You know what? There was one time where I did my DMV picture and she was like, look here.

And it was like really low and I didn't believe her. And I looked up and my eyes were like really up. You're rolling your eyes. I can't possibly have to look that low. That looks crazy. I just got my driver's license. It's so bad. And I have to have it now for how long?

I know. Five years. If you want a new one, then you have to go there. So it's like, who cares? Yeah, exactly. I just renewed mine and it's the same picture as before, which I like. Yeah. What are we going to do guys? They just removed mine and it's the same picture as before, which I like. Yeah.

What are we gonna do, guys? They also, it shouldn't be the same picture because people change. Like your hair could be totally different color. People change. Like it just feels like you should have to go ask. How often are people looking at our driver's licenses though now?

I'm trying to remember the last time. Yeah, it's true, it's not fair. Airport. Because TSA doesn't. You just put it, you stick it in the slot. Oh, you stick it in a slot. Oh, right. Yeah, nowadays. No, but the picture comes up because they look at you put it, you stick it in the slot. Oh, you stick it in a slot. Oh, right. Yeah, nowadays.

No, but the picture comes up because they look at you to see if you match it. Well, no, they take a picture with, they take a picture, leave a picture. They do? Yeah, they take a picture of you. Leave a picture. And then if it matches the thing that you put in,

they're not like sitting there matching. No, because you know how they go, pull your mask down to smile. Yeah, but it's a computer thing. Or to show your face. It's like computer matching. They say that to one almost every time, pull your mask down to smile.

I think, I believe they take a picture of you, which is deleted seconds after you leave. And it's an algorithm that sees if it matches your actual photo. To take the human eye out of the entire equation. Thank God. I guess, I don't know. So then, where else have you ever had to show it anymore?

Police, people? Yeah, I mean, it's not common. Yeah, so what do we care? Hotels, checking in our hotel. But I don't like that I have to have a bad picture of me that I carry everywhere. It's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's, yeah, it's always. Just on principle, it's like I open my wallet, I wanna know that there's a good picture of me in there. Yeah, what's the most representative picture of me? This one. Yeah, I mean, and honestly, that's probably true. The bad one is the most. Yeah.

Remember the wallets that you used to get that would have the photo plastic in it? I loved that. Yeah. I still have one, I had this Beauty and the Beast one for when I was little that. Yeah. I still have one. I had this Beauty and the Beast one for when I was little. Oh, tail of the horse time. And I had put in pictures of my cousin,

she was baby and she took little like Sears photos. And then I put in Bazooka Joe comics that I thought were funny. And now Holly has it. She's like- Does she think the comics are funny? She thinks the picture is her. She doesn't care think the comics are funny? She thinks the picture is her. She doesn't care about the comics.

What? I don't think she really gets that it's a comic. You know what I'm saying? Wait, what is the picture? It's a picture of my cousin when she was a baby. She thinks that's her? Yeah. Like when she was a baby.

Yeah. And she says, that's me when I was a baby. Yeah. She brags. Yeah. Look at me when I was a baby. Yeah, She brags. Yeah. Look at me when I was a baby. Yeah, it's great. Yeah.

What's the funniest Bazooka Joe comic you can think of? It's not funny. They're not funny. Probably I wanted to see Time Fly. Classic. Yeah. I used to also collect Laffy Taffy jokes. I used to collect Laffy Taffy songs.

Like that one? Yeah, that was the only. Laffy Taffy. Laffy Taffy.. Like that one? Yeah, that was the only one. Laffy Taffy. You're waiting for your collection to grow. I feel like I did not grow up with Laffy Taffy. And I wonder, was it a regional thing? But I don't remember seeing it. Or was it more of a 90s candy?

Maybe it's more of a 90s candy. I feel like we had it, but wasn't there one with a Z in the title too, like Zookie Doo? Yeah, Zooky Doo. Yeah. Yeah, they get it when you're talking. Zippy Zabbit?

I remember. Oh, Abba Zabba. Abba Zabba. I knew if I just said gibberish. Zookie Zabba. Zippy Zabba Zippy. And of course the Zagnut Bar. Oh.

Terrible name. I think things with a Z in it. I go back and forth on it. Well, pizza's good. Oh, so good. Do you want to know? Cause I go back and forth on it. Well, pizza's good. Oh, so good. Do you wanna know, cause I'm famously doing Duolingo. Famously doing Duolingo.

Would you like to know how to say a piece of pizza in Italian? Yeah. Un pezzo di pizza. Un pezzo di pizza. That's cute, are you gonna go to Italy? Por favor. Eventually, I would like to, yeah.

I wanna go to Italy. Are you gonna stay there? I've been one time, but I won't. Can't tell you that now. We'll have to, I will have to look around. Yeah. I want to go to Italy. I've been one time, but I can't tell you that. No, we'll have to. I will have to look around. It's a game time decision. Yeah. Game time decision. I'm going to call an audible. Yeah. I may stay there. Okay. You just want to go. We don't want to stay. I'm not, I'm not planning on staying, but I might end up. You might go step out of the airport. I'm tired of being in Italy. Italy and you're too tired,

so you have to stay a little bit. That's a very likely outcome. Yeah. Very likely outcome. Yeah. All right, we have to take a break. But I was gonna say- No, bye.

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Cha-ching, yeah, it sounded exactly like that. Like onomatopoeia. Here's what I know. What's that? That is the sound of a sale from your Shopify store. Oh Of course, that's what's happening. They have already helped millions of people sell online around the world, but Scott You're a bit of an ignoramus. Did you know Shopify can be your point of sale system everywhere online in store on social media and beyond? Well, I may be an ignoramus, but I know that Shopify is a point of sale system

that makes it easy to manage payments, inventory and orders. In fact, they have everything you need, Paul. Starting a business is already hard enough. Don't you agree? Oh, sing it sister. Shopify makes your point of sales effortless by tracking your business all in one place.

Scott, can I tell you something I love? What's that? You can connect with customers in line and online too. Both types of lines. Shopify helps you drive store traffic with marketing campaign tools from TikTok, Instagram, and more. You know, we love the sound of something

that's both a powerhouse software system. Oh my God, yes. But that's only half of it. You talk about this all the time. I know, but that's both a powerhouse software system. Oh my God, yes. We talk about this all the time. I know, but that's only half the equation because the other half is it's also easy to use and seamless. While we ourselves haven't sold anything on Shopify yet, we have a ton of friends, 2,000 pounds worth,

who have and they love it. They love it as much as I despise seams. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period I'm going to tell you something that's important and I need you to trust me on this and also look inward and you realize it's true. Finding ways to unwind. So important whether you're shopping online, you're catching up on your favorite TV shows, listening to your favorite podcast, everyone has their go-to. But if you tried iGaming yet, particularly on fun, new platforms like love to play.com that's love the word to the number play the verb.com. I personally mean this is me Paul talking. What I love about Love To Play is I can play it on the couch.

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It is a fantastic way to meet new people and share the joy with others who love gaming just as much as you do That's what games are supposed to be about by the way In case you weren't aware Are you ready to turn your downtime in a fun time head over to? Www. I can't believe I just said the W's But I did a fun time head love to play. And we're back. What were you going to say, Lauren? I was going to say, and maybe we've just talked about this,

but where do you want to go on your next trip? Your next pie in the sky trip, you know? Well, so many factors in there now of what's going to be fun for Emmy to do. Yeah, that's, that's part of it.? Well, so many factors in there now of what's gonna be fun for Emmy to do. Yeah, that's part of it. So. You got a plan. Nowhere.

I wanna go to Italy. I mean, that's not what I meant to say. I was just thinking about what you said. I wanna go to Hawaii. I just said Italy. We are going to Hawaii. I wanna go to Hawaii next summer. Okay. When Gigi is one and Holly will be four.

And I feel like that's a reasonable travel group right there. What a window. Yeah, yeah. Guys, I'm so sorry. I might have to leave. I just got this text. Oh no, what's happening? Paul, I'm heartbroken you didn't sign your petition to stand with Biden is closing at midnight. Oh no. By the way, by the time this comes out, I think...

They'll know who the president is. No, really? Oh, I see. Oh, yeah. Well, I think it's Evergreen. You can still sign that petition anytime. I hope if he does drop out that I still get the text. I still stand with him.

Yeah, absolutely. I want to see what he's been emailing me. Paul, Biden's at home. He needs your support. Tell him hi. I see what he said to me today. The choice is yours. The choice is yours.

We folks will be direct. We have two choices for the future of our country come November. Oh, these emails are getting more intense. I like this one though. I'm sick dot dot dot. Yeah. Of Elon Musk trying to buy this election. He did that on fucking Twitter.

Yeah, I saw that. I just saw the I'm sick one and I was like, oh God, is that real? And then I saw the dot dot dot. I'm so like, hey, speaking of, I'm having fun with people. I'm sick. Speaking of, speaking of running videos,

I meant to tell you this answering machine story. Oh good. Did I tell you about when I, remember three episodes ago when I said, oh, I have an answering machine story and then I went back to it. No. Lauren says, in the middle of a yawn.

That's freedom. Speaking of wrenching videos, I have an answering machine story. You won't even let him say it. Yeah. What? You won't even let him say it. Say what?

His answering machine's still here. Of course I will. So did I ever tell you when I rented? Of course I will. You were going to tell another story. I want to hear what you're going to say. I was going to tell a story? You just said. No I didn't.

You didn't just act like he was going to tell a story? He said, speaking of renting videos, I have an answering machine story. And I'm repeating what he said. But right before that, you said. No, I'm kidding. No, you were just repeating what he said. Yes, dear. Yes, honey.

When I listen to this back, I'm really gonna get it. Yeah, clean your ears out, darling. So I read, when I was in theater school. So I read, when I was in theater school. So I read. So I didn't have a TV or a VCR.

So I went to this store called Rent to Own and I rented a VCR and a TV. Times were different. And they talk about like, oh yeah, you just put payments down every week and then eventually you'll own it. Before you know it, it's yours. Yeah, of course it takes three years or whatever

to actually own this outdated piece of technology. That's right. How much were you paying a week? I don't remember at the time. It was probably like five. Like they did a deal for everything. So it was like five bucks a week or whatever. And of course I fell behind in the payments

and couldn't keep the payments up. Cause he didn't get enough money at Marie Kalandios. I was working at Baker Square then. But- Oh, in your face. Fuck you. I can't believe I have the timeline. He fucking got you.

Yeah, fair enough. So I fell behind on the payments, but didn't return it. And so they had this- Two big dudes showed up at your door. Well, they had this technique where they were- And that's what it took to lift it. They were trying to call me to get me to return it. And I would never pick up the phone.

Even then, I would just screen all calls, right? Absolutely. So they were, they would do this thing where they would be like, Scott, Scott, Scott, are you there? Pick up the phone, pick up the phone. Oh no. Hi Scott, pick up the phone. Oh no. Hi Scott, pick up the phone.

They would like do that for a while. Their business model is terrible. They do that for a while. They would do it for the five minutes that it would for the whole tape and be like Scott. Oh my God, somebody's job was Scott. They would just leave the message? No.

Wow. They would just be like Scott, Scott. They were basically trying to bug me into picking up the phone. That actually sounds kind of fun. That's a great job. Yeah. Then they segued- I can do that in people's voicemails.

Yeah, just go for as long as you can. Then they segued into making- Real Joey Greer move. Yeah, it is. Segued into making barn animal noises. What? So they would be like- Maybe you have told us this. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. No, just on the answering machine for five minutes.

If you've told me this story and I've forgotten it, shame on me. I think I remember this, but that is so crazy. And this person is having a ball. Still wouldn't pick up. And then what it was like, OK, so the first time this happened, what was your reaction? I was like, what the fuck is going on? And then I realized it was this rent to own store.

And I would wait them out myself. And just farm noises. No, no message. No, just like trying to get you to pick up and go, who is this? What's going on? Did you ever pick up and hang up? No, because then they would just call you. Yeah. You know, I was there.

Yeah. Yeah. So then they have legal. They can just walk in your house. Well, they eventually got it because they, it was a gated building. And they left a message like, hey Scott, it's that pretty lady you were talking to last week. I'm at the front door.

I just won the lottery and I wanna have sex with you and give you money for it. I just won the lottery. It was a gated apartment building and they got someone to open the door for them. That's just from the lottery. It was a gay department building and they got someone to open the door for them. And so at seven in the morning, suddenly there was like a banging on my door and I got up and I opened the door

and they just walked in. We're like, hey Scott, we're picking up the things. Wow. And they just walked in and took them and I was like, oh, okay. And then they just took them away. That's so weird. You're there in your undershirt, your boxer shorts, just like president Clinton.

Did he wear that? He wore a boxer brief. Yeah. Was he asked that at one point? No, no, I don't think boxer briefs were a thing. It was boxers or briefs. And what did you say? I wear boxers. I'm committing adultery. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Ha ha ha. Why did you stress the that, President Clinton?

You had sex with a different woman? I did not have sexual relations with that woman. OK, now I'm just confused. What did you have sexual relations with? I did not have sexual relations with that woman. OK, an emotional relationship. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Okay, an emotional relationship. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. President Glenn, can you just say every-

I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Can you say every word flat? I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Sexual relations with that woman.

Sexual relations with that woman. Sexual relations with that woman. Sexual relations with that woman. Sexual relations with that woman. Sexual relations with that woman. Sexual relations with that woman. But I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the...

I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the... I think that was one of the ways I fucked up my credit.

To sum up? Yeah. They shouldn't give credit to people. Well, okay, there should be a dumb shit test. Yeah. And if you're a dumb shit, they shouldn't give you credit. Well. Until you can pass a dumb shit test.

They should give you credit because you shouldn't have good credit. What? If you can't pay your things. Huh? Why would they not, I'm saying like, you should have credit if you're a dumb shit. No, they shouldn't.

You have bad credit. No, they shouldn't give credit to like 18 year olds. Well, they should not be doing that, of course. But that's the whole point is to put people in debt. And then to show you that you can't have the thing. To show you. See? See, you're not good with this.

I once, when I was, I was out here that long in Los Angeles and I got, I had a day job, I think this was when I was a telemarketer. And I got one of those- Who had just been murdered when you got here? Yeah, it was like the day after you got here, someone was murdered. Kurt Cobain died.

All right, so, and you had a layover, you were saying in Seattle? Layover in Seattle? From Jilly. I'm sorry, I forgot that. I mean, if you believe that one documentary, he was murdered. So I got a, this was back when you really could not drink the water here in Los Angeles. Tap water was gross. Tap water, I thought it, well, I'm in Orange County, so it's maybe different, but it was always fine, I thought.

You know what, it probably was, but people convinced me that it was bad to drink the tap water. No, actually when I moved here, I was under that impression too. Because I moved from New York where it was good, question mark. I read an article about how there was a big campaign to tell everyone, especially people who were

from other countries who have moved here, like, no, the tap water is actually good. You don't have to waste money buying water. The tap water is free. It's actually good here in California. So I just, I feel like it's all. Are you familiar with the Off Menu podcast? No.

It's an English podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. And they. That's the one I listened to with Donald Gleason on it. Yeah. That was really funny. And so they talk about your dream meals and everything. But one thing that comes up a lot

is people are very proud of their regional tap water. Like if they're from a place, they are very proud to say, we have the best tap water. It's really funny. I feel like Chicago, it was always like, it's the tap water's good. There was never a feeling of like, but it was when I moved here, I had to get a Brita.

Yeah, I did too. I eventually got a Brita. I know we had one, but I feel like it was just trendy. I think, I really think that. But it's built on that fucking lie that the tap water here is undrinkable. And there was a guest on off menu, very funny comic named Jessica Knappett,

who had a writing job here and was told essentially, or was under the impression, you can't drink tap water in all of America. Like it's Mexico. That's crazy. Can I just tell you, I just learned something on this cheese. Okay, I mean, this is an important interjection.

Can we hold the cheese for just one second? Before we lose the connection to Scott's story. I got a sparklets like water cooler. And eventually, of course course I could not keep up with the payments of that. And the guy- Recently? No, this was a while ago.

How much is it? And the guy came up to repossess it. Oh my God. And he acted personally disappointed in it. That is so stupid. The delivery guy and I'm like, it made me think does he have some stake in this? We have a system here.

And it's an honor system. I'm not supposed to be back here looking at you and taking this back. They were calling me and saying, we're going to have to take that back if you don't pay us. And I'm like, I know, I just don't have the money. And then the guy, I mean, I was way, way late with payments. And then the guy showed up and he was, he like could barely look at me. Was it the, so it's like the tank that it sits on?

Yeah, and the stand. Yeah, and then they bring you water. But they must've stopped bringing you water at a certain point. Yeah, they did. And you were so thirsty. So why not just give back the thing? I was so thirsty. Why not give it back?

Yeah. Oh, because I would go fill it up. Oh. At the, at the gas, and and the gas and not the gas. And then it would be filtered. Sort of bodega. Yeah. Yeah. One of those machines. Yeah. Yeah.

You can take and get it filled up. I love those machines. Yeah. So I have this string cheese here and it has a little fact on it. And I actually think they might all have the same fact because I've read this before. Did you know string cheese is kind of gross? Not satisfying. Fact.

Look, I was struggling to figure out what to eat. But that's what string cheese is for. Yeah. Absolutely. What about a dairy? OK. A dairy cow. Come on. Here. How about we put that game that over under game? Yes. Did you read this?

No. Did you read the string cheese? I'm going to say under the dairy dairy cow a dairy cow can produce blank Pounds of saliva a day Why is that on my fucking food first of all the milk but it's disgusting but how okay so Paul Guess how many pounds of saliva cows? Cow makes a day eggs And also why is it pounds and not gallons yeah pounds okay but how many pounds of saliva of saliva does dairy cow produce in a day in a day wait are we playing over under it must

be a horrific no and then I have to say over under don't I have the advantage? Fine, you go first. Okay. 13. Okay. Over or under? Over. I'm gonna say it's 20. Okay, it's 125 pounds of- Whoa! That's too much.

That's fucked up. It's fucking repulsive. Is it somehow connected to them having four stomachs? I don't- Oh yeah. Why do they have four stomachs? Let's simplify the cow. I just don't. All right, God.

I just don't like this. And I don't like knowing this as I'm eating the cheese. Second draft, God. Come out of it. Do you remember that dinosaur that we thought had a brain in its head and then a brain in the tail? Oh. Why would we think that?

Because we were told that. I think it was the stegosaurus. Was there just like a hole in the tail? Or like brain probably went here. I think like at the base of the tail. Why would we think that? Because we were told that. I think it was the stegosaurus. Was there just like a hole in the tail or like brain probably went here? I think like at the base of the tail. I don't fucking know, man. Dinosaurs, we're all guessing at it. We're all just guessing all the time about it

and then we say, oh yeah, we know this. I always love when they're like, but they could have had feathers and we didn't know. I'm like, okay. Well, that's a recent thing. It's like, guys, come on. We never even thought about what the skin was like. What else?

They might've worn clothes and little hats. Okay. They might've. They might've had little tiny briefcases. They might've done plays. They probably did. Yeah, they probably did. They probably did.

That one makes sense to me. Well, they have to entertain themselves. Are they not entertained? Are they not entertained? Better do a play. Okay. So we humans do plays, cause we're smart. Yeah.

Do dolphins do plays? I don't know. Can you play me? Dolphins do sets. They're smart. They say they're as smart as us. That's right. So are they doing plays? Why do they talk so stupid? Are they renting video cassette recorders?

Try to do a dolphin sound. Eee. That's your best attempt. Eee. Well, that's pretty good. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. That's the dolphin that wakes everybody up when the sun rises? Yeah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. I can't get my voice that high, I don't think. There we go. That's the closest thing we've done to a dolphin today. I can't get my voice that high I don't think. There we go. That's the closest thing we've done to a dolphin today. That's when you open a dolphin up and you need to oil the engine.

My dolphin has a first name. It's D-O-L-P-H-I-N. Did you have to do? Keep going. My dolphin has a second name. It's B-O-L-O-G-N-A. Your own car maintenance. Did I ever do my own car maintenance?

Did you ever do your own car maintenance? That was not something I did, however I did date people who did do that for me. I'm obviously extinct from this discussion. That's right, you never had to do this. Yes, because I'm only recently a car guy. Yeah, and so. How do you feel when you, here's the real question,

because you have been driving a less amount of time than others, how do you feel when you drive every day? Do you still feel a little anything about that or do you just go, well, now it's been 20 years, who cares? Oh, I love it. Yeah, you love it. I love driving, yeah. So it's like fun. Yeah, it is.

Century Boulevard. We love it. Do you, Keep going. Have you ever done anything, Paul, like changing oil or changing a tire or anything like that? I have changed a tire before. Like before I knew how to drive. I learned how to change a tire.

Okay. And had to do it. When you were a kid. When you were a kid? Where did you do it? No, when I was with Janie. We broke, we broke, we got a flat tire and we had to change the tire. And were you proud to know?

My dad taught me how to do that. But it's, I found it very hard to get the nuts off. The lugs. Yeah. That's what you said? That's what I said. Yeah, I've actually found it easier than I had feared it was going to be.

Yeah. I thought this seemed impossible because I don't know anything about this. And then it really is kind of a simple, if you got a jack, it's a pretty simple process. It's pretty simple. You just gotta do it at the right place on the frame. You know what though, I should keep,

what are those called? Jumper cables in the car. I never have them. And then we always have to borrow them from somebody if that happens or whatever. And it's like, we should just have them. Every human should come with jumper cables. Yeah.

They should be issued at birth. These are your jumper cables. I'm gonna order some on Amazon right after we're done. You love Jeff Bezos. I want to give him some of my sweet coin. You know what I have in my car is a an air pump for my tires. Oh, I had one like that where it's like, yes, but it was like an automatic electronic sort of thing. Not like, yeah. You plug it into the old cigarette lighter. Yeah. I don't think we have, do we have that? Yeah, that still exists as a power socket.

I don't know if it lights anything up anymore. Yeah. I don't know if you can light your cigar off it. It probably shouldn't have fire in there. It's, yeah. It's not fire. It's not fire, no. Oh, remember the old cars, you used to pull that out

and then a flame would shoot out. You had to lean down and. All right, we have to take a break. When we come back, we're gonna do a three-chart. Oh, fuck yes. Oh, can you believe it? Oh, fuck yes. Oh, fuck yes. Oh, fuck yes.

Oh, fuck yes. Oh, fuck yes. Oh, fuck yes. Oh, fuck yes. I think there's a reason they call it a health journey, right? It's because these things take time and any program you're on should not be selling some one size fits all fix to all your nutritional questions. Weight Watchers has been the trusted authority in this space for decades.

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to doctor prescribed weight loss medications and registered dietitians in Weight Watchers clinic. See how Weight Watchers fits you at WeightWatchers.com. That's WeightWatchers.com. This message is brought to you by the Cologuard test. The American Cancer Society recommends that if you are at average risk, you should begin screening for colon cancer at age 45, no matter your race, ethnicity, or gender.

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Coligard test is available by prescription only. And we're back and it's time for a three-chair. Paul explain what a three-chair is. A three-chair is a game that we like to play, also known as a buster. So we're gonna do a buster. Yes. If you want a little nickname for it, we're gonna do a buster.

Yeah, we might just call these busters pretty soon. I call it blowing a Buster. I don't know. It's cool. It's cool and really catchy. If you would like to send us a three-cher, please write to us at 3dmewsa.gmail.com. Please write to us. We're sitting here so bored.

Write to me. No one writes to us. Sticks, Sticks, A-P-O box 963, New York City, New York State, 10108. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. And they have had sex this year, Merry Christmas. I think I have had sex this year. I think I have.

Just reviewing the year. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, I think I have had sex this year. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. 3dmusa.g this year. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 3dumusa.gmail.com and a parlor game. A game you play in the car. That sort of thing. A fun party game. You know what they are?

You listen to this show every week and you love them. And maybe we'll play it. And this time we're going to play a game called... Crazy Pet Returns! This was submitted by Robert Troust! Robert Durst? Yep. Submitted them all of course.

He has two B's in his name. Robert Durst has two B's in his name. Robert Troust does. I only want to hear about Robert Durst. Oh yeah, he does. He's a double B Robert, which I've never encountered before. Double B, double B, double B, B, B, B, B, B, B. Lauren, when you're right, you're right.

You have nailed it, sister. And Robert submitted this so many years ago. I wonder if he still listens. I wonder if he's still alive. Yeah, we hope you are Robert and we hope you're still listening. This is if you're not still listening, someone get him a message. We play this game in memory of Robert Troost. It's called pre. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay.

It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay.

It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay.

It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. It's called pay. Something is wrong with it, but they don't know what their pet is and what's wrong with it. The other two people work at the pet store and do not know these things. And they do know these things. And do know these things. Why am I having so much trouble? I don't know, cray cray pay pay. The first person is to figure out their pet and their issue.

It's crazy pet return because the pets can be whatever you want, like mythical creatures or whatever. You figure it out. I forgot how rude this was at the end. Yeah. I don't like that, Robert. Yeah, he talks to us like we're assholes. I hope he is dead. Oh no Robert we don't. We don't. But if you are it's not the worst thing in the world. Come on we

can't afford to shed any more listeners. No it's true boy that's true we're losing them by the bushel. Hey we should text each other what the pet is like you know normal. One of us decides a pet is, like, you know, normal. One of us decides the pet, one of us decides the problem. You're gonna return a pet, Lauren and I. Lauren, you text me what the pet is and I'll text you the melody.

How's that sound? I love it. Melody. Melody. Melody. Melody. Melody, melody, melody. I'm the same boy I used to be.

Well, this is only taking forever. Sorry, Paul. Well, it's dead air, baby. Well, why don't you fill the dead air with some of your beautiful singing? Are you writing to me or do you text the wrong person? No, I'm still writing. Still writing. I haven't received anything from you either.

Well, I thought I was supposed to do it after you said. No. We do it simultaneously. From land to glen and down the mountainside. The summer's gone. I'm texting you the melody. No, I'm texting the melody. You're texting me the animal or creature.

Tis you, tis you must go and I must bide. But come ye. No, this is my chance to shine. Come ye back But come, no this is my chance to shine. Oh sorry. Come back when summer's in the meadow. All right, we're ready. Stop now. Just to be like a toddler, stop singing. I just wanna have a little fun.

It's so funny when kids hate when you sing. It's so funny. Why are you so mad? I like to sing. Look, I used to be able to sing wherever I wanted. Stop singing. Hey, what are my hours today? You are working from midnight to midnight.

That's so like- you can take a sleep. So less than 60 seconds? No, dumb ass, it's 24 hours. And you can take a sleep break for one hour in the middle. And that's also lunch. So it's okay because I sleep eat, so that's okay. You're fine. Oh, here comes somebody.

Hi, I was camped out all night to be the first in line. Hey, it's midnight, come on in. There's honestly no reason to, we're open 24 hours. Hi, I was camped out all night to be the first in line. Hey, it's midnight, come on in. There's honestly no reason to, we're open 24 hours. Yeah, I know. No, but only 24 hours, that's the thing. What do you mean? Well, we're only open this 24 hours and then the other 364 days a year were closed. You're right.

Yeah, so I've been waiting a year to come back here. Yeah, well, welcome back. Thank you. Oh gosh, okay, well, what's going on? What do you need? I have a- Some food for your pet? Oh, I wish.

I have a bit of a problem. If it's been a year since you've fed your pet, we got a problem. I feed the pet what's going on? What do you need some food for your pet? Oh, I wish. I have a bit of a problem. If it's been a year since you fed your pet, oh, we got a problem. I feed the pet every day, okay? Okay. We eat at the same dinner table. Really? Yeah. That's surprising to me

because you're such different sizes. Yeah, well, of course. He's a pet and I'm me. Yeah, but the size disparity is quite grand. It's quite vast. Well, what, so what? You can have a pet that's a different and I'm me. Yeah, but the size disparity is quite grand. It's quite vast. Well, so what? You can have a pet that's a different size than you. I know, I know.

If it's so big and people say, wow, look, your pet is so big. I mean, in that situation, it wouldn't be that weird. Yeah. But your situation is. But my situation, because my pet is very small. Right, yeah. And look, you sold me a defective pet. Oh, that's not possible.

We never do that. No. Don't make eye contact. Look at it. With each other or with him? Look at it. Oh, I'm just gonna look up at the ceiling DMV style. Okay, I see it.

Do you see that what's happening? Oh yeah, I see that. How would you describe it? Whoa. I'm not gonna do that. We have a lawyer. We do not describe what these things might be wrong. So you're okay with the puddle that it's leaving?

That's not our fault. That doesn't make sense to me, that it leaves that puddle. Why doesn't it make sense? Well, it should be potty trained by you. It's only been a year. Okay. But no, that's not. That has nothing to do to do with a little PP never really hurt nobody, okay?

That's not what we're too concerned about. Well, I do agree with that. Mm-hmm. But what if it won't fly? It shouldn't. Yeah, these don't fly. So I'm just I'm just I'm just going over things. List every problem you have. It doesn't it won't respond to commands. It probably wouldn't do that. This wouldn't do that, yeah. I don't know why you bought the, do you think that you bought like- A dog?

A dog that flies? I'm not, I haven't gotten to the problem yet. Okay. You're just talking about your life? I'm listing the things that are normal about it first. Oh, okay. Okay. It. By the way, act normal about it first. Oh, OK. OK. It you, by the way, act like we have all the time in the world.

There's a line. Yeah, there's a huge. I'm really open 24 hours a year as I camped out. How long have you been camping out? Like a few weeks. Oh, I've seen him. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait a minute. Recognize me now. Yeah. You're the guy who's been camping out for. Yeah. Oh, yeah've seen him. Oh yeah. Oh, wait a minute. Recognize me now? Yeah, you're the guy who's been camping out for a few weeks.

Oh yeah. Yeah. That doesn't like make you interesting or something. I never said it did. Well, you smiled so happily. What's your T-shirt? What's that? What's your T-shirt say?

It says I'm the guy who camped out. Oh yeah, okay. So you made that knowing you would camp out. So that was kind of- Knowing that you assholes would not recognize me when I walked in here. But you made it and it was kind of a promise to yourself. Like, well, I better camp out. So that was- Knowing that you assholes would not recognize me when I walked in here. But you made it and it was kind of a promise to yourself. Like, well, I better camp out if I wanna make this.

It was, it was like Jim Carrey writing the check for a million dollars. Yeah. Yeah. So- That was a check that his ass couldn't cash. Here's something else about- Well, cause ass is a tip that they don't cash.

Here's something else- You could slide a check through an ass. You should go to the bank though. Yep. He has talked too. He made that happen. What? Here's something else that about the pet.

That was fake? And you tell me, you- I don't think it was. That was before CGI. Figure out if it's a problem or not. What? Doesn't make any noise. Fine.

I mean, what noise would it make other than like a tongue noise or something, you know? A tongue noise? Like a- He's disgusting, I'm sorry. You know what I'm saying, you know? A tongue noise? Like a sore- He's disgusting, I'm sorry. You know what I'm saying, right buddy? Up top? No.

I can't grant you that. What? You can't even grant me a high five? It was gross. Customer to person working at the- Employee maybe? Yeah. Customer's always right, by the way.

Oh, little shit. But look, I- What have we been doing? Some of these scales, do they look right to you? They Oh shit. What have we been doing? Some of these scales, do they look right to you? They're fine. Scales look fine, yeah. Okay, good.

You passed my test. What do I win? You'll find out. Keep looking at your little guy. What about the eyes? They're fine. Those are, yeah, they're supposed to look like that? They're supposed to bug out like that, yeah.

Bug out? Yeah. OK. And you can dance to it if you want to. You can leave your friends behind. Bug out a little. Yeah. I mean, well, compared to like not compared to Steve Buscemi. Like they're not Buscemi eyes. Come on, man. Wait, it's your friend of yours. Well, I like him. Like personally.

Fight. He seems like a nice guy. Seems like an hey, ow. Well, I like them like personally fight Are you wearing assless chaps all chaps are assless? I'm a cowboy But you have a cock sock on. Yeah. Because I'm also on the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Oh, that's where I know you from. Yes, Stango. Anthony Kiedis. I'm Stango.

Anthony Stango Kiedis. Right. How have you been? I've been better. It's been a year since we've seen you. There's a problem with the snake. Well, it's not a snake. You calling it a snake is a problem.

Okay, there's a problem with this lizard. Yes, there is. There is, and we can see it. It's very apparent. And I need you to make this right. Well, we have an inkling of what you're talking about, but we don't know what you're talking about. You said it was very apparent. Well, I think what it is We have an inkling of what you're talking about, but we don't know what you're talking about. So tell us.

You said it was very apparent. Well, I think what it is is something that cannot be changed. Yeah. Are you kidding me? We would have to amputate. Because it has an extra leg? Not an extra leg.

That's the right amount. Just something. Two and two. Four? Chuck Woolery style. But what about the extra tail? There's no extra tail. I know.

The one tail is all you get. Exactly, what about the two heads? Two head, no it only has one head. What are you talking about? Just a tiny lizard dick? It's not a head. You're, you've said and done some very inappropriate things. I'm lonely.

Are you the boss? I wanna fire him, yeah. Why don't you fire him right now? You're fired. Hey. This is the best day of my life. You're fired. Are you the boss? I want to fire him. Yeah. Why don't you fire him right now? You're fired. Hey! This is the best day of my life. You're fired and you know what I've always wanted to do that. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. What am I supposed to do? Premature retired. Get out. He's in on this. Go away. You have gotten done today. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to collect unemployment now. Is that a real song? Yeah, of course it is. You get to collect unemployment? Yeah, cause I was fired. You make $100 a year.

Do you have another job besides this one or is this it? This is it for me. Wow. Okay, yeah, you can have unemployment. I'll give you $100 in a year. So this list means- In one year from now? I'll send it to you.

I'll see you then. Okay. And we cut to one year later. Guess who's back. Hey, I'm in line too. Oh no. Okay, now that you work here, do you wanna handle him? Hey Anthony.

Hey man, call me Stango. Hey Stango, what's going on? You work here now. Yeah, I'm still trying to return the goddamn lizard. Wow. Which needs an amputation. Yeah, well, I mean, I just don't. Why don't you just let it live here?

Can I have my $100? Who, me? Okay, but I get my money back? No, it's not a return. It just gets to live here and I'll feed it. I'll do its thing. You'll take care of, you'll do its thing? I'll do its thing.

Can I have my $100, please? What? You said you'd give me $100. When did I say that? A year ago when you fired me. Okay, yeah, right. I'm sure I was just trying to get you to leave. Look at this lizard.

Yeah. What do you think's wrong with it? Obviously something with its extremities. Right. Like the nose? No. The ears? No, no.

Is it the dick? No. Not the tail, not the feet? No, I mean on the dick? No. Not the tail, not the feet? No. I mean, on the feet, yeah. It's got extra toes. I mean, those toes are not extra, but they're not correct. It's got human toes. Toes aren't where they goes.

Toes aren't where they goes is such an accurate way. It's got fingers instead of toes? Yeah. And? Seen. No. What? Vice versa. It's got toes instead of toes? Yeah. And? Scene. No. What? Vice versa.

It's got toes instead of fingers? Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? Here's what's wrong with the system. Because you said text at the same time, so I said lizard, and at the same time you wrote, its toes are on its hands and its fingers are on its feet. I'm like, well, they're kind of all the same thing.

Yeah. So it's a little hard to guess. I'm like, well, they're kind of all the same thing. Yeah. So it's a little hard to guess. I think the only animals that maybe have fingers are like monkeys, maybe raccoons, I guess you could say. So what's wrong with that? You think monkeys and raccoons shouldn't exist? Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.

That's a bold stance. I'm a bold guy. So you just want genocide? Fortune favors the bold. Does it? Is that true? 100%. Give me one example where it is.

Yeah. Give me one example where it is. Give me one example where it is. Give me one example where it is. Christopher Colombo. He was bold and fortune favored him. He had like 500 years of people going like, you rule. 525,680 years. Here's another, you rule. 525,600 years.

Here's another one. Darth Vader for a while. Yeah, he had like a good reign of probably like 20 years where he was on top. Yeah, he's doing great. He's on top of the world and people were like, Darth Vader, Darth Vader, we love you. And then one day this little man named Luke Skywalker

comes along. His family ruins everything. You have to cut off. Never have kids. That's a lesson I got from Star Wars. Cut off your family. Yeah. Really?

Yeah. That's why you don't have kids. Kids will ruin your life. In 1977, you saw Star Wars. Yeah. And I was like, I get it. And you decided not to have kids. I get why my mom is angry all the time.

You understood the message of the film. Yes, I did. Yeah. Yes, I did. I was a bit of a film buff when I was a child. What were some of your other favorite films? Bridge on the River Kwai. Oh, wonderful film. Yes. They blow up that bridge, boom.

Blow up another favorite of mine. They blow up that thing, boom. The photograph. Yeah. Do we want Boom! Enhance, boom. To do another round?

No, we're out of time. Ah! Well, look at that. It's the perfect stall. It's the perfect game. Well, we're out of time. Ah! Well, look at that. It's the perfect stall. It's the perfect game. Well, thank you everyone for listening. They call it the perfect game. If you want.

That's my suggestion for a three-track, actually, I was thinking that, because that's a favorite. That's a thing that I like to do, is that newscaster thing, when it's like local news. They blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They call him the masked muncher.

You know what is so funny? When Brian Saffi does deadline recaps on Attitude's podcast, he will watch deadline and then like tell the whole story and it's so funny. And they do on the Patreon, which I'm not a subscriber of, but every once in a while I'll release one for free. But I should subscribe honestly. Yeah.

Perfect. I do like how that thing looks. Yeah. And sounds. And sounds. Wait, what about, so what about Dateline? They do that on there a lot, like that's phrasing. Oh, on Dateline. Oh, that kind of, that cadence for sure is all over Dateline.

Keith Morrison. Do we talk about that docu, the quick docu-series three-part, three-parter, like the perfect wife or whatever? Or did you say that one's Sherry, Sherry, Oteri? Pamini or something? Panini?

Oh, Sherry, Pamini. No, Pamini. Papini. Papini. Stop, people are listening to this. We have to go, is what I'm trying to say. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, voice message. And every other week we do these things called thremiums. Every other week we do a thremium. Thremiums are short episodes where we answer your voicemails from the aforementioned website HagClaims8.com. So technically it's your fault. And those are every other week on Wednesdays and the only way to listen to those is by subscribing to CBBworld.com.

It's the only way. Or by subscribing to Lemonada Premium or something. Stop saying it like that. That's what it is. No. Is it? Yes. Then you say it.

Lemonada Premium. On Apple podcasts? These are the details I'm fuzzy on. Why don't we learn what those details are so we don't wanna encounter this every single time? I kinda like not knowing. I know that you do, you also like not paying for no ads on YouTube. Yeah, that's right.

So you're a curious person. What's the other thing? Oh, on Tuesdays we do something called Three Visiting on the Two. Ooh. And this is where we re-release previous episodes from out behind the paywall. Yes.

And- These are classic episodes. These are classic episodes, so listen to those on Tuesdays if you don't have a subscription. If you do have a subscription to CBB World, all of our episodes are up there. And then we have merch! We have new, incredible t-shirts and stickers and buttons. And they're super cool.

Made by our friends at Kinship Goods. High quality stuff. And where do they go? You go to cbbworld.com slash merch. And it's all there. And also check out kinshipgoods.com. They get a lot of good stuff. They have stuff from a lot of different things, right? They do merch for a lot of shows

and they also do their own stuff for whatever. I have a sweatshirt that I got from there and it's so soft. Oh, the t-shirts and the sweatshirts. Yeah. Oh, they're so soft. Yeah, really good quality. Such good stuff.

So head over there and get that. Yeah. And other than that, I run out of stuff to talk about. Three to me, oh say on Instagram, that's about it. That's really it. So I think we have to wrap it up at this point. We're very active on Instagram. So please-

Scott is. Send us a lot of messages. Scott will flood your feed. He loves to use that, that publish button. It's my favorite of all buttons. Smash the publish button. All right.

Bye. Bye. What do weddings, Instagram, and toxic relationships all have in common? They take your money and you can't get it back. 16 grand somewhere in there. Gone. There's no legal solution for the fact that you married an asshole. Welcome to The Dough.

I'm ex-Mayo. We're diving into the stories surrounding the moola baby. The good, the bad, and the unexpected. Yeah, we're talking about it all. The Dough is out now wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Sam Smith and welcome to The Pink House. I love being in The Pink House with you. Join me as I talk to my friends and some amazing queer icons about their idea of home, like Elliot Page, Jo Kim Booster and Gloria Estefan.

Music was always my escape. It was my happy place. The Pink House from Lemonada Media is out now. You can listen ad-free on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts.