Threedom - Threevisiting: Cozy Done Right
Episode Date: August 29, 2023Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Lauren and Paul discuss memorable birthday parties and adorable things their spouses do. For their feature, the gang plays The Laughing Game and Would You Rather. Fol...low us on social media @threedomusa. Send Threetures and emails to threedomusa@gmail.com. Leave us a voicemail at 424-252-4678 (HAG-CLAIMS-8).
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Three, two, one! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha because I'm sure my name is a phone in French. Lauren, very calmly tearing apart a tangelo in a Cd'Rino.
It's the teeniest little, I don't know.
It was in a bowl.
It's something that's just lemon time, but it's so small.
It's an orange citrus fruit with a membrane.
It's as small as, is the only difference between a golf ball.
Actually, yeah. A clemitine and orange just the size. All as is the only difference between a golf ball actually. Yeah a
Clementine and you know in orange just the size size flavor colors of oranges flavor
profiles flavor profile citrus color blends and blends. Hey what's different
between a nectarine and an orange. I know why would you tell me? Size flavor of color. You're nasty. What?
It's a joke.
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The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy.
The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy.
The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy.
The art is too sexy.
The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. The art is too sexy. Oh boy. I thought you were gonna continue the round.
We were seeing a little round.
It's a very special day, I'm just very slow. It's a very special day, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's gots, it's, it's gots, it's, it's gots, it's, it's got, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's your day. Yeah, I'm on. What do you want to talk about?
Oh, yeah, let's, oh, I've got a good first of all.
I'm Paul.
I'm Lauren.
I'm Scott.
I already introduced my Scott's birthday.
It's my birthday.
It's my birthday.
It's your birthday.
If you're listening to this when it comes out,
it was, you know, quite a while.
It's my birthday whenever you're listening.
Quite a while ago.
Yeah.
Birthday.
Scott, this is your birthday. We're going to let you decide what we talk about first. I like to go. Yeah. Birthdays.
Scott, this is your birthday.
We're gonna let you decide what we talk about first.
All right.
Oh boy.
Spino man, please.
Spino man, please.
Spino man, the web's in his hands.
Spino man.
You wanna talk about your favorite birthday you ever had?
Yeah.
I was thinking about this today.
I can't remember too many of them. I remember one I had a... It's established, you don't give a shit. Yeah, I was thinking about this today. I can't remember too many of them. I remember one.
I had a...
It's established.
You don't give a shit.
Yeah, I don't.
You don't care any of that memory.
True.
Both of these are very true.
I do remember one was Star Wars themes and my mom.
There's a couple of years ago.
Yeah.
My mom made a Darth Vader cake.
And I remember she... Was it the real Darth Vader cake. And I remember she was at the real Darth Vader
of a fake cake.
It was, it was, it got inside a cake
and just as I was sticking out and he was like, eat me.
He came out and he was like, happy birthday,
Mr. President.
Happy birthday.
It's me, Darth Vader.
It's not happy birthday.
But she made it out of a cake pan that was a bell.
And she was like, well, this isn't a waste
because I can also make a cake that's a bell.
Sure.
Which everyone needs.
I was thinking about that this morning.
I was like, when did she ever make the bell cake though?
But I guess she must have made it for like Christmas,
like Christmas bells or whatever.
Maybe, or she just never did,
but it's that thing you tell yourself about.
Where it's like to save money, yeah, this is not a waste of money.
So I won't resent my child.
Yeah.
But yeah, a bell and it couldn't have cost.
I know.
No, but when you were little, what, 10 cents?
That's actually not far off.
Probably. That's actually not far off probably
I mean ever I I
You know my my father once told me the
Sign your I'm sorry. It's killing because I'm the oldest
Always make one of my age and it's somehow due to my relationship with Kula as well
She's not young anymore either. She is now a child bride. And you are an old, elderly man.
She's 12, you're a hundred.
When you were born, the hay penny was a lot of money.
Ha, ha, ha.
My father once told me that the sign of getting old
is when you have inflation sticker shock,
when everything, the price of everything
is upsetting to you.
Because you remember when you were younger
and you were like, this shouldn't cost so much.
And I felt that the other day, this is bad,
but I saw a homeless person or a person in need.
And they were like, hey, you got a dollar.
And I was like a dollar.
Like, because I remember back in the day.
But did you give you 20?
Oh, please. This, please, it's my birthday. Because that all mean it's for my birthday. I just wanted on any other day.
Okay, so what did a person without a home want from you
when you were growing up?
Well, I quarter.
No, back in the day, it was like, do you have a nickel?
Do you have a nickel?
Even people were like pennies back in the day.
But now, and I remember like scrounging up enough pennies
to get a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a
little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a No, back in the day, it was like, do you have a nickel? Do you have a nickel? Even people were like pennies back in the day,
but now, and I remember scrounging up enough pennies
to get one gallon of gas.
And now everything's just so expensive anyway, so there you go.
Yeah, it's like you are old then,
because you're upset about it.
I feel that way though about things.
I'll be like, I'll be like, a Coke for $2?
Coke is to be $1.
I don't even want Coke's cost mere quarters.
What can you still get them in bulk for like,
a six pack for $2 or whatever or no?
$2.
I don't know.
You used to be able to get like a Coke for 30 cents,
like on the average if you bought a 12.
From like a Vending Machine? No, like, no, you bought a 12. Oh, from like a Vending Machine?
No, like, no, not from a Vending Machine.
If you like Vending Machine.
If you like a 12 Coke from a Vending Machine,
the Vending Machine would say,
Oh, all right, here's the money back.
Here's the money back.
Here's the money back.
Two, two, two.
That's the Vending Machine spitting it up.
You got, babe.
We used to have a Vending Machine.
Well played.
Nice rebate.
But I don't know.
We used to have a Vending Machine at,
where I went to theater school
and we learned that trick where you could like
tip it over and shake all the stuff out.
And we did it so much because we were so broke
and so hungry all the time.
And that was the only food anywhere.
And we would do it so much that it didn't
venture anywhere.
Any time, I guess.
We lived in it just to be a future.
Well, actually we did live live we did go to school right
To the point where I think cost how long is Costco been around
I've never heard about it in like decades and decades really cuz I I just had never heard about it
So I was like an adult. I don't know where I'm from well. Why would you care?
Why would you care?
Because my parents could have shopped in bulk,
so I guess I wouldn't need to know.
Is that what you're saying?
No, I mean, it's not the most fun place to go.
You personally wouldn't be something
that's on your radar because you wouldn't go there.
Like I didn't know about a carburetor
until I was, you know, 16 and had a car.
Oh, I did.
I had posters of them on my wall.
The sexiest ones.
Why doesn't it make me think of-
In the ferrofosset bikini?
I was gonna say, why does the make me feel like- In the ferrofossil bikini? Yeah, that's right.
I was gonna say,
why does the make me think of gummy worms,
but I think it's Carnubo X.
Why does that make me-
Wait, is that the thing of food though, is it?
I think it's in gummy bears.
Carnubo X?
Yeah.
Oh, you know, one of my favorite birthdays was two years ago.
So we were in Hawaii together. We were in Hawaii together. We were in Hawaii my favorite birthdays was two years ago. When we were in Hawaii.
That was a great birthday.
We left it off.
Fireworks.
We got there to Hawaii and our friend, Taljon, we were driving to dinner.
This was on my birthday proper.
We were driving to dinner and he might be here.
He saw a fireworks stand and he insisted we pull over
We pulled over and then they had some deal going on where it was like yeah, but if you buy one
It's cheaper if you buy three because you get them all it's like buy one get to sparklers
Yeah, they really wanted to move these sparklers. Well, isn't there the least fun firework of all time?
It was almost 4th of July
Yes
so we bought just packs upon packs of sparklers and we couldn't even get rid of them.
We left them there.
And then, you know, who was in our, in the house that we rented was Chrissy Deacon and John
Legend.
I know, the makes us sound so rich, but we're not.
But we were surprised that they were there.
Yeah. We were like, what are they doing?
They're doing well.
But then we,
Well, they weren't splitting it with 10 friends.
That's true.
That's true.
It was them and their private chef.
But when we'd cool up, worked with them, we wanted her to ask them, were there any sparklers?
They are.
Oh my god.
To see just if like they carried over because they were there in December, I think, just
to see if like they got passed down to every generation. That day when we were doing the detective work to
figure out if it was the same house was a lot of fun. Yes, because they posted on their Instagram.
And just with Jardine, I think, was the first to figure it out. Yeah. And then like, and it was like
from all angles, we were like looking at Instagram going, enhance that.
All angles, we were like looking at Instagram, going enhance that.
It's a lot of screen caps and zooming in.
And yes, it was, the exact same house.
It was exciting.
I want to go back.
I want to go back.
Me too.
It was so nice.
It was so nice.
That was, I think that was maybe,
was that my favorite vacation?
It might have been, it was so good.
You know what, it really did for me,
it was give me an appreciation for a relaxing vacation.
Because I typically like to go to a city
and walk around a lot and do a packed a lot of stuff in.
Yeah, and this was just chilling.
But there's nothing to do in Hawaii.
Yeah.
So it's just something to see, that's for sure.
You kept your shirt.
I did a row of new vids.
Yeah.
But I really enjoyed how peaceful it was.
It was a great location, it was great food, it was a great house at the end.
I feel that I can.
Oh yeah, great people.
I know what you're doing, Scott.
And I'll tell you, because it's your birthday.
Thank you.
I can't keep the Hawaiian Islands straight.
Like I've been there multiple times and I never know which island I'm on.
Well, there's the big islands.
And I also.
There's the media, my land.
What's that?
The small island and the teeny tiny island.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's just fucking with me.
You gotta let him have the land.
It's his birthday.
It's his birthday.
Is this episode I can do anything I want?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I don't know.
Well, no, because I was just in Hawaii.
I was just in Hawaii for my honeymoon.
We were for our thing. Where were we for our thing?
We were on the big island.
Yeah, which is a why, which is Hawaii, right?
I believe it's a lot.
Oh my god, see, I don't know.
And I feel like an idiot because it's not that confusing.
But I you are an idiot.
Where were you?
I just now was on the big island.
But I couldn't figure out. But I was and I was staying. That's the whole way we went. But I couldn't figure out,
and I was staying at the same resort that we were at,
but I couldn't figure out,
I thought we had stayed there,
and it turned out we were on a different island.
It was my whole point.
I was looking around for the house,
like I was being like,
Oh wait, you were on a totally different island,
but it was the same.
I was my phone charger,
same resort chain.
Yeah, but I don't know what island,
I think we were on a, not on the big island.
Really?
Is this gonna sound like the dumbest conversation ever?
Yeah, it is.
It's so great when you've been to Hawaii so many times
you don't even know what island you've been to.
No, no, I've been like four times to me
but I've never known where I am.
Right.
I went to Maui, the first time I went to Maui
to my go on chloroformed, like Bieber, I guess. I just don't time I go I'm chloroformed
I'm like beabre I just don't get it I can't keep it straight
I mean what are they trying to do they all look the same but then
They would say they would say that's not true people who know do you remember when we got class shamed at the Lou out?
Wait, no, oh right. Yes, the lady who was in charge of the well. Yeah
We're all ohana now. Yeah, the lady who was in charge of the well. Yeah, she
said we're all Ohana now. Yeah, we're all
We're all on so if you're from this is how you treat Ohana don't wait a hard time
She said how many people are here for the first time and a bunch of people is like a plot Yeah, she said how many people are here for the second time and some people clapped said how many people have been here three times
or more and and then a number some people clapped, said, how many people have been here three times or more?
And then a number of people clapped,
including us, we had all been Hawaii before,
that many times, and she said,
those are our rich friends.
Yeah, I forgot, we were going.
It was like, damn.
I was like, you live here.
Don't you want us to come here?
Maybe not.
They don't actually.
Maybe not. They don't actually. Maybe not. A lot
of, a lot of Hawaiians seem to hate the people from the mainland who come in and make it
and like, you know, bad. Yeah. Right. But you, but also I blame them. Oh no, I know. But
I have to say everyone I ever encountered encountered there was very nice. Yes. I, uh, some
of my family comes from there and still lives there. Really? Yes.
You're what?
Uh, it's too hard to explain my dear.
Okay, I won't get into it today.
Uh, so... It's called to be from Hawaii.
Yeah, so when I went the first time I went to Maui and then we went, you know, we were at the...
My brother got married, I think the four seasons are whatever there.
And then we went up, but then we went up.
And it was the two seasons.
And now it's fall.
Then we went up.
We went up into the hills, which you don't really ever go,
like driving in the middle of Maui,
and where to where a relative lived.
And it was interesting, because no one ever would go there. It went your own vacation. Yeah, yeah, yeah And it was interesting because no one ever, you know, would go there.
It would have lasted.
When you're on vacation, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was interesting.
Yeah, I love seeing where locals live
because it is very cool.
Like, I, it makes you think it would be the most beautiful place
in the world to actually.
Let's all buy that house.
Did we look into it?
Did we?
Did we?
I think we all looked at how much it was
and we're like, I mean, between the 10 of us.
But then we forgot we're all couples.
It's like, hey, split it up 10 ways.
Oh wait, no, it's actually five ways.
I like when you go to Hawaii,
and if you know someone who lives there,
they'll take you through the doors
where you can go behind it.
Yeah, behind Hawaii.
Yeah, it's like a secret passage.
You see all the break rooms and stuff?
It's like Truman Show.
It's like Truman Show. It's like Truman show.
It's like, I hate it.
How do you say Truman show?
I hate it.
Do you guys think that your life is that?
No, I'd TV show everyone's watching.
What's your favorite birthday?
My favorite birthday.
Hmm.
I always had really fun parties when I was little.
I have fun parties.
Yeah.
And my mom and my uncle would put together themed parties for me.
Like big little eyes, you have a big 70s party and the tramps would be there.
No, was it for that?
It was.
It was seven years old and you loved disco.
Me in my front yard with like, there was one that's notable, well, there are a few, I guess.
One, okay, so I just found my home movies
and got them transferred, and I was able to watch them.
And one of them was a manor's party,
where my mom is a maid, and my uncle is a butler,
and they are teaching us manners.
And it's probably like seven or something.
And this is the most insidious theme.
Oh my god, we look so bored.
Like, I remember-
No, kid.
I know, I know, and I remember thinking many things about it,
but I'm sure I was thinking like,
cool, you know whatever, I was like a kid.
But then I looked at the video and I couldn't even like listen.
Like it was like so boring.
Was it about silverware or napkins, all that kind of stuff?
Walking with a book on your head.
And I was like, what were these?
I don't know.
And then there was a sense of fun at all.
No, I know, it's so strange.
And then another one, I think they were having fun,
but that was.
Oh, no doubt.
And then another one was a laden themed,
because a laden had come out recently.
And my mom was a gypsy, and my uncle was like,
I don't know, a gypsy or something.
They were wearing like, you know.
One of the Romani?
Yeah.
And that was supposedly fun.
And then, uh, I didn't know that one that was hope.
That was supposedly fun.
I don't know if this was somebody else's party or this was my own party, but I was a hundred
one Dalmatians party where we, uh, got a pay air face pain and then that got tails with
spots on them, which was a tube sock with black spots.
Ah, that's cute.
But yeah, a lot, I, I had like cute parties.
They were very themed.
And then when I got older, more,
I would just have like house parties and stuff.
I remember I was thinking of a party today
that I had on Halloween when I got into seventh,
the seventh grade and I got a bunch of new friends, right?
And my parents went all out.
I'm thinking about this probably because I had new friends
and they wanted me to impress them or whatever.
And we had this Halloween party where it was like,
everyone dressed up and there was a cauldron
where we bobbed for apples
and there was like a murder mystery element to it.
And I remember.
So many things.
I remember, you get apples, you get the murder mystery
and I get both.
I remember my friends and me suddenly feeling embarrassed
because I could feel we were too old for it.
Yeah.
And I felt so bad that my parents went to all this trouble
and suddenly I felt embarrassed for them
that they were trying too hard
and I felt embarrassed for myself.
Like I seem like a kid.
And then that was the last
theme party I think I ever had.
Oh, yeah.
That was not a thing when I was growing up. Parties where I grew up. Well, themes. It was
just like it, like mostly what I remember is having just like dinner with the family
and it's like I got to have whatever I wanted from the person.
I'm in a person.
Oh, several.
It was a courses party.
I guess there was a theme.
But like if you went to a friend's house for their party, it was just like, it would
cake would be the theme.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, it was just play.
It was like you're a little school friends and everything.
You have to take an ice cream.
That's I guess usually, the person who's birthday
was, they got presents, but nobody else did.
They were not like party favors and...
Oh, yeah.
That's usually how it was, I think,
like, at most you'd have a pinata
or something, and people would,
or a sleep and slide or whatever.
But I think the Star Wars one was just,
I don't think anyone was encouraged
to dress up Star Wars.
It was just, it was the Star Wars cake. That was it. You know, with like, actually, I think I asked anyone was encouraged to dress up Star Wars. It was just it was a Star Wars cake
Yeah, you know with like actually I think I asked for action figures
I should hope they were on and they were on the cake I think but the Halloween is a theme
I mean you can't have a Halloween party and not the theme not be Halloween right exactly
Yeah, exactly wait, but I'm proving your point wrong
That you didn't that there weren't theme parties like
Yeah, you're pushing it birthday boy. It's still you gotta take it
I remember I had a bowling part of my first co-ed birthday party was fifth grade and I had a bowling party cooperatively educational yes and
Cooperatively educational. Yes.
And only one boy came.
Oh, who's this?
Down.
John Kim.
John Kim, really.
Great.
And was he happy to be there?
Was it?
Yeah, but I remember being...
Did the boys all boycott?
Did they put the boys boycott?
I don't know why they didn't come,
but I remember as it was like getting close,
I knew they weren't going to.
Did someone say something like, we're not going to your room.
No, but it was like an RSVP situation where I was like, oh, I guess they're not coming in.
And then I was like, maybe they made John Kim the ambassador.
Yeah, maybe.
The boy ambassador.
But isn't that sad when like, we have it like that?
I bring you greetings from the boys.
Isn't it also though, like, is it a thing where like, we can't go to Lawrence birthday because that's a girl party?
Maybe because I think it was right at that time where it was because we were having, I don't
know if other people had boy girl parties at that point.
Right.
I know that I did.
But I don't even think, maybe it wasn't even a thing of it to be boy girl, not boy girl
is just who you were friends with.
And I guess I wasn't really friends with a lot of women until three weeks ago.
What happened three weeks ago?
You came friends with.
You got a lot of money.
You got blue pills.
He's got blue pills.
I had a birthday party, a birthday dinner, in my 30s
that was just me and six women.
Oh wow.
And I, because I had seen, I was a pornist.
I was born in there. I had seen a porno. I had seen a porno.
Maybe I kept their clothes on. I I had been to dinner at a junior, you know, El Coyote
that put on Beverly of course. I miss that place. I was out to dinner with friends and
next to us was this. I love it though. I miss the terrible place.
Yeah, the food was never,
there was something very comforting about that.
It's really about just going to it
and getting it in the hard way to embed next place.
Yeah, I haven't been in a while, let's go back.
The table next to us was this long table
and it was all these women
and it took us forever to realize there was one dude
that was sitting with all of these women.
Oh wow.
And we never really found out what the situation was,
but I took a picture of them, I still have it.
And I said, I'm gonna do that for my next birthday.
I'm gonna have, I'm gonna invite all my women friends.
Oh wow.
And it'll just be me and them.
And you were single?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was when I was just starting to,
when Janie and I were just beginning courting.
Oh okay.
And there's a picture of us that it's a,
it's- Was Janie there? Yeah. I was wishing, okay. Janie was I were just beginning courting. Oh, okay. And there's a picture of us that it's a, was Janie there?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Janie was there and everybody said,
like all of the other women there later said,
we could tell that you were in love with her.
Oh, she was the last one to arrive.
Oh.
And they said, we saw your face change.
Oh, that's so cute.
Wish I could see that face.
Yes, just never will. This you never will. You never will. That's
so nice. Wow, I think birthday dinners, I was thinking about this like because Kool-Up
used to have a lot of them when we first started dating. Like, did I have I talked about
this about birthday dinners being a thing when you're young?
It's a nice thing.
Yeah, we've talked about that before.
It's like you celebrate every single year.
Yeah, and then after you gather,
who ever is your friend that year?
Yeah.
And it changes every year.
Yeah, to come to your house for the birthday dinner?
To go to a restaurant.
And it's like, yeah, we've made a reservation for 20 people
and how do we divvy up the check?
Cause we're all broke, cause we're all 20.
Oh, you know one of those kind of things.
Yeah.
When you're an adult, not when you're parents,
or you're saying like,
I think you're my birthday.
No, when you're like in your 20s,
20s, 20s, you're a college or whatever.
There was somebody in our friend group
who notorious back in those days
when we used to do those dinners and everything.
Who notoriously was cheap.
And we always had to put in extra money
to cover this person, right?
I don't. And it was a fucking annoy. I feel like in a group setting thinking you're getting away with that is strange because
people can tell. So I you know it's even stranger not caring
that
apology. I'm sorry I can't afford it. Yeah, that was
not who that is when we will take a break, but I had a friend like that who would always tip 10%
and it was very embarrassing for me,
but I would try to sneak back and leave extra money.
Yes.
But then I was talking to my other friend the other day
and he was like, he was talking about a mutual friend
of ours and he was like, every time we would go out to dinner I
Would leave a good tip like 20% and then he would like come back to the table look at it and throw an extra like 10 on it or whatever
And it would just drive me crazy
Yeah, that seems like being very judgmental of the person who paid right?
Sneak back and do it sure
20% yeah, like you're doing in front of him. Yeah, you and do it, sure. You know what I mean? If I gave 20%, I feel like you're,
and they're in front of him.
Yeah, you would do it in front of him.
As a like, this is not enough.
Kind of thing, I don't know.
I have a reputation in this diner.
So they call me deep buckets.
We'll confer about this in the break
of how do these people are.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes, ma'am.
Lauren, did you ever wait tables?
Lauren, did you?
No, I worked as a barista in quotes for like a couple days.
What did you say in quotes?
Because I didn't know what I was doing and I was horrible.
I wouldn't give myself the title of that.
You're not worthy of it.
I'm not.
I am. Swing, not worthy. You're not worthy of it. I'm not. I am.
Swing, not worthy.
Swing?
Oh, swing.
We're not worthy, swing.
Right, exactly.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
When I moved to New York, I was determined
to get a job immediately and a friend of mine.
Had a fashion magazine.
Yeah, so I had to be the head of it.
and a friend of mine. Had a fashion magazine.
Yeah, so I had to be the head of it.
A friend of mine was working at this cafe in near,
where was it?
Right near Strand bookstore, near Union Square.
Of course I know that because I read constantly.
Yeah, I know that about you.
And I got, he basically hooked me up with the job.
And I got it.
And then I had just, and I was really excited because my two roommates didn't have a job yet.
And I was like, look, I'm going to jump faster than anyone.
Like, I'm doing it.
And then I had to do the job.
So that was a bad part.
And I like, I had to go train.
And I had to train it like five.
It was dark when I left the house, which was how was by the way I loved it like a cube.
But it was very, it was like already a lot
just to get up that early and take the train
into the city.
I was living in Brooklyn and then like go and do it
and open the gate with the guy and then this person
would teach me.
What the heck?
Was it a Mark Marin?
Yeah, open the gate.
And then the very nice people who worked there
were all like sketch comedians.
From murder fist worked there, if anyone knows that.
Who we got Dana Carvey, Will Farrell,
Sherry O'Terry.
Yeah, it all worked there.
She's Caesar.
Anyway, I was really horrible at it.
I don't drink coffee and I don't know anything about it.
So I was like trying to learn whatever drink was
and then how to make it.
And then in New York, as in many big cities,
everyone's rushing and they know
because they go there every day
and they know what they want.
And everyone else there is really good at doing that.
And I was like really stressed out.
I think I only really, I trained a few days,
but I think I actually only worked like this.
Did you get fired or were you like,
I can't handle this.
I quit.
I was so stressed out by, I would go home and just think about it. The whole time I was home, like, I can't handle this. I quit. I was so stressed out by, I would go home
and just think about it the whole time I was home.
Like, I can't go back there.
Were you yelled at a lot by people of like, come on, hun.
And probably, but like, it's all about blur.
The big thing to me was like, I just can't go there.
I can't do this.
I don't, the idea of going there is hell.
And just the fact that I have to go again
makes every living moment horrible.
Like, I, this is bad.
How long did you last?
A few days and then I called and they really spread out
but it was like the torture in my mind
and then I called and quit and the woman was like,
not cool about it but whatever but I still went
and took my hundred dollar check that I had a girlfriend
and that was really embarrassing
because I had to go in and like get it.
Yeah, to go in, yeah, like, I'm nail it.
Oh, you needed it.
They would have mailed it too.
No, that was never even,
she didn't even come and get it.
It was probably just being bitchy.
I never even considered that I could get mailed, but.
She was definitely inconveniencing you on purpose.
Yeah.
I had a very similar situation when I was in
filling and starting stand up.
I lived with my girlfriend at the time.
My day job of hats in the belfry
briefly went away because the store closed down for what? Too many bats in the hats? Yeah. in the belfry briefly went away because the store closed down.
For what?
Too many bats in the hats?
Yeah, in the belfry.
Yeah.
The bats got confused and they thought they belonged there.
Hey, this is bats in the belfry.
And they were bearing all the hats.
And the people got scared because the hats were just flying
all around.
That would be so cute.
They would be cute.
If the hats were small enough for the bats.
Sure, sure.
If the hats are big. You don't think that the hat's flying around as cute? The hats flying around as cute. That be cute. If the hats were small enough for the bats. Sure. If the hats are big.
You don't think that the hat's flying around is cute?
The hat's flying around is cute.
That's cute.
So either way, it's cute.
It's cute.
So I had to get a job and I went and applied at this coffee shop and independent coffee shop
downtown, which is like a real, it was an area where like,
there was very high traffic, a lot of business people.
And so even though I had no experience in anything like this,
I'd never worked in any kind of food industry at all.
It was always retail.
You did you drink coffee though, unlike Lawrence?
No, I didn't.
You didn't, okay.
And so basically the job was, it was me and the owner of the shop.
So basically the job was, it was me and the owner of the shop. Owner of the shop.
She would, I be birthday.
She would, was that your stomach?
What did you say?
I said, would you say, Lauren?
It's my birthday, would you say?
I have a birthday.
She would be baking baked goods the entire time and I would be at the register doing everything else.
Oh.
And so the training was very...
That's not enough people.
And it's not.
It's not.
Yeah.
And the training was very brief,
and this lady was very,
very terse and she was not friendly.
And I was at that point too scared.
I was at a place where I was for most of my life.
For you work out.
If I didn't, yeah, I was a coward.
If I didn't know something, if I didn't understand something,
I would not speak up.
Right, right.
I would think like, hopefully this would just,
I don't wanna seem dumb.
Yeah, hopefully this will just come to me.
Yeah, I guess what, they didn't.
Right.
And the register, I did not know how to work it.
People would give me.
It was not one of those registers that would automatically take her the math for you.
And so people would give me, because they wanted a certain change back and stuff like that.
And so I'm having to do math in my head.
The more anxious I got, the more I could not do math in my life.
It was bad news.
She kept having to come help me out.
She was not happy about it.
Well, I know, but she was not, oh, so at the end of the,
and also I had to get up like in the dark
to go to this place when it opened at six.
And that's any coffee place.
Yeah, so I got a home from a full day's work,
you know, like whatever it was, two o'clock or something
like that. Right.
And I got back into bed and I said, I don't, I don't think I can go back there.
And my girlfriend said, listen, if it's that bad, don't go.
And I'm like, no, I have to go.
I have to go because, you know, I need to work.
She's like, if it's that bad, don't go.
And I was like, I have to.
Then the next day when the alarm went off at 4.30,
I said, I can't do that.
She goes, are you sure you can't do that?
Now she's,
well, because now they never thank you.
Yes, exactly.
You're also in a relationship where it's always
flipping sides.
She's working and I'm not working.
Well, no, but it's one of those things
where it's like, you feel,
and I've been in relationships where like,
where like no matter what the issue, you feel like you have to take the opposite side of it,
you know what I mean?
So it's like, I gotta go back.
Well don't if you don't want to and then, all right, I'm not going back.
Are you sure you're not going back?
Well, I don't know if that was this.
I think this was, I think she was being very sweet to me when I was completely demoralized
but still willing to go back.
And I'm asking you later.
And of course I'm asking you later.
Well, there was another guy there watching this happen.
You cook?
Yeah.
That was a weird relationship.
But don't you think you'd be,
I feel like I've said this to it,
I feel like I could be really good at that right now
because I've gained confidence.
I feel like I could be good at any job now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But like, I can't feel that way.
But like, I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything.
I could do anything. I could do anything. I could do anything. I could do anything. I could do anything. I think that would be better because you are not seeing the people face to face. So if you are nervous, you're like,
I'm in my bubble and if they hang up, they hang out.
I think telemarketing would be bad now
because no one ever answers their phones
because we're constantly getting spammed.
Where are they spamming?
What are they doing?
You want the new thing now?
I don't know, but I'm worried about my federal student loan.
I don't know, but my social security card was canceled.
The new thing literally over the last two days.
So they've been spoofing, you know, like,
is that what you're doing?
That is what we're doing.
There's cancel.
Yeah, their identity is like being stolen.
Yeah.
So the new thing over the last two days
is now they call from Apple.com.
Right.
Yeah.
That one is crazy.
I had to like tell my mom
Don't and never ever give your password for Apple. Yeah, over the phone Apple will never call you ask for that. Yeah, that is never a thing that they do. It's never required
Before you use another device call us yeah, you know, it's just like insane
We saw you're gonna do a text it must work right?'t. I think a lot of older people are just like,
ah!
They don't know how to use this stuff.
There was some story I heard of some woman who was,
like, her money was stolen, like, like, thousands.
Her money was stolen?
They were like, went to her bank account
or something and got like, thousands of dollars.
That's where all the money is.
I know.
And it was just gone.
That's just sad.
Wait, that's the scam?
Well, they like talked about the phone
like for a long time.
Perfect.
You just went to the bank.
Getting her to have all her money.
No, she just gave all her information to them eventually.
Oh, I know.
Oh, damn.
Actually, like I was helping my parents out
with some financial stuff a couple of years ago.
And my mom had all this stuff from the IRS, and owed them a ton of money, and
I was working out with her.
But now I think about it, and I talk to them on the phone and everything, but now I'm
like, how do you know it was them?
Wasn't the IRS?
Yeah.
I know we wrote to them officially and all that, but just the fact that there's all this
crazy, how trust is it?
It's crazy how trust is it?
It kind of makes me go like, wait a minute.
I'm a grown up, continue.
There are so many websites that I feel like are just
too many.
On trustworthy.
But then you have to give your information.
And it's like, okay, so I'm just
supposed to assume that this is.
Everything's cool.
Yeah.
I know.
It's the world we live in.
That's what I wanted to do.
Would you give me your banking passwords?
Yes.
If I had a legitimate reason.
Yeah, I guess.
I don't know why you could...
If you had a legitimate reason, sure, but I can't imagine what the reason is.
But if you was legit.
Well, give me a hypothetical.
I...
Why?
You need my password?
You need my password. You don't want the money in it or anything. No, no,, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No. No. No. No. No. No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. know my pastor to my bank account. Can your assistant give it to me? You psychopathic rich person. Alexa, what has Scott Ockerman's net worth?
One dollar. The same as Paul F. Tompkins. That's right. That's right. It feels good.
It does feel good to me. It feels good to me. Yeah, especially if you saw our houses. Oh my gosh.
They're both great. They're both great.
They're both great.
Our my my wife's
my wife's aunt
from West Virginia,
musical guest.
My wife's aunt.
She threw some amazing shade at us because she came to visit L.A.
And she did with those trees that were cut down.
I was thinking that tree is mine now.
This is very good, very good guys.
Words.
We were at dinner and she's a real character.
She does community theater in her hometown and she is,
she's very funny and she's a delight to be around,
but she, we were out to dinner and she was talking just to me
and she said, your house is adorable.
And I said, oh, thank you very much.
She said, it's so lovely.
And I mean, how much room do you need?
Come on.
First of all, calling it adorable is semi-as-well.
It blocks the line if you're... It reminds me of Carmella soprano. Oh, come on. First of all, calling it adorable is semi-asleep.
It walks the line if you're...
It reminds me of Carmella soprano.
There was an episode where her friend buys a house
and she goes and this is the house, she goes,
oh, it's so cozy.
Oh.
Yeah.
Cozy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who is this person?
Let me fuck her up.
This is Aunt Phyllis.
She's wonderful.
That's like when you're looking for an apartment on Craigslist
or ever and they write something like that where it's like
cozy studio or whatever they try to like jizz it up a little bit
even though they're saying the facts.
Although this place is ox.
Cozy done right to me is like.
Cozy done right.
Cozy done right.
Like Cozy is an automatically an insult.
No, no.
It's like it's tell it, no. It's like, it says to me, it's like,
oh, it's like a warm cabin with firewood.
Cozy done right?
Firewood.
Our promise to you, firewood.
Cozy done right.
Yeah.
All right, we have to take a break.
Okay, bye. And we're back for Scott's birthday podcast.
Yeah, Scott's birthday on the stage.
The number one birthday day.
Oh, and you by the way, you did sell your birthday to me a while ago.
That's right.
Where are we celebrating?
Wait, did the, for how much?
1000. 1000? Did I ever the, for how much? 1000.
1000, did I ever get that money?
Did you give them a thousand dollars?
No.
So, when you would, so do you want to go in on it and buy his birthday?
I was actually thinking about that today.
What, and what were the terms I could not celebrate it ever?
You guys, if anyone says that he's birthday, say go to hell.
Or shut up.
Not explaining it, just purely go to hell for a son.
I have to be kind of mean, you can't say it like it's funny. Not explaining it, just purely good health. I had to be kind of mean.
You can't say it like it's funny.
Right, right, right.
But you do get to choose between those two phrases.
Yeah, I feel like it's not.
Depending on the age of the person.
You get alternated.
It's gone up a little bit.
Good idea, Lauren.
The price.
The price, because you got to capitalize while it's hot.
It's like a thousand and 50.
Prices like these, I'm getting old.
So sweet. Back in the last extra mile, I'm getting old. So sweet.
Back in the last episode, why was talking about those
violence guys, but there's a lot of guys in that.
Where are things?
Dicker shop?
Where are they?
I got a little bit of life.
Oh, should I be a new joint character or do?
Money.
Like what?
What?
Five in the morning.
Is this different?
Different.
So, the end of your husband?
My voice is more pleasant as something.
Do you guys wanna come back on with special guest?
I'm asking you on air so that if you say no, it's dickish.
Lauren, I wanna do that.
Lauren, I wanna do that show.
Scott's afraid.
I wanna do that show all the time.
All right, cool.
I wanna do it all the time.
No, no, no, no, with special guests.
Yeah, coward. When you see a ghost. Yeah, I'd no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, The skin flint and the overchipper and the miser. Why don't we just cut it out and then the mission to drop?
Nope.
Okay.
I don't trust Ryan.
Ryan indicated that he was willing to do that.
Nope.
I can't even see him.
You can't see him.
He's right in there.
There he is.
There's good old Ryan.
We got Zigg in the house.
He's over here in the actual room.
In the actual room.
Shevin is wherever he goes. goes. I'm sure you.
Shevon's a gal eventing around America with his gal friend.
Probably kissing her.
Kissing her and hugging her.
Fourth of July plans, guys.
I know this was last week.
This, that sounded so much like we've run out of food.
Yeah, it's not possible.
What do you guys do for the holiday?
There's always more to talk about.
But since it will be over by now,
I'll say about the time you hear this,
I will say I'm going to Little Compton,
Rhode Island for the Fourth of July.
I am going to Sullivan's Island, South Carolina
for the Fourth of July.
I'll be in New York City just like I pictured it.
Wow.
Um, do you feel like you're going to go see fireworks or something? Do you know what I'm
gonna do on the fourth? Yeah they have those fireworks off the Brooklyn Bridge and so we got a
reservation at a hotel. You could see it from the hotel? Yeah or just for a dinner reservation where
they have like a big seafood buffet and stuff. No you can eat stuff from the sea. Yeah you just
like reach right in there and you're like,
What the fuck is this?
Every buffet is a seafood buffet because you see food.
Uh-huh.
How dare you look at me.
Because, no, because you know what?
You just stared so blankly and I thought,
there's no way he'll hold out and be so...
No, he's got to look at me like, Janie.
Yeah.
When she walked into that restaurant. What do you mean, Janie? Yeah to look at me like, Janie, when she walked into that restaurant.
What do you mean like Janie any more, Janie?
Look at me like Janie on your birthday.
Here's a topic that I would, I'm very excited about this topic.
I thought it was really, here we go.
This is about an adorable thing
that my dear Janie started doing.
I don't know where recently.
Oh my.
We will, we make the bed together
frequently. Oh, because it's just, it's just faster to do it that way. Sure. Everything
is faster. It's a horrible chore. But if we do it together, I love having the bed made
though. It's the best. When you get in at the end, it feels amazing. But when we watch
the sheets, then it's even more stuff that you have to do. Yeah. Yeah. I tried to force
Mike to do that. She, he does it. I've been it so much. He does it. I try to force Mike to do that. She he does it. I mean, it's like he does it.
I want to make a song.
He's like, I only play video games, but I think
you would probably express it the same way of me.
I'm bad at it.
Of course, I'm going to help me.
I'm bad at making the bed.
So that is a cool up thing.
Yeah.
She doesn't buy herself every time.
I buy herself.
Yeah.
Wow.
It's not that what are you bad at?
Hard straightening up.
There's a way.
I can't identify. She likes it. Okay. She used to be aening up like there's a way. I like it.
I don't know why she likes it.
Okay, but she used to be a maid.
Jayne has a very specific thing as well.
Oh, really?
She's talking about hotels.
She used to be a maid in hotels.
And so she's like, it's got to be up to that level.
Like my father when he wanted me to make the bed and he was trying to, he would always
like make it be like the army where he's like, if I can't back off the core of it.
And it's like, it doesn't have to be this way. Yeah. Like we're just normal people. Why does that have to be the way like the army where he's like, if I can't bounce a quarter off of it, and it's like, it doesn't have to be this way.
Yeah.
Like we're just normal people.
Why does it have to be the way for the army?
Yeah, just to show good.
Discipline, good man.
Yeah.
It's like a party.
It's like a party.
Are we party?
We all make our best.
Yeah, we all make super tight beds.
My mom's gonna hear this and I don't know what she'll say.
We all get a blanket, but.
Right, true.
I don't know what she'll say. We all get a blanket bar.
Right.
So we were making, she started doing this a couple months ago out of nowhere, referring
to the fitted sheet as the curly sheet.
Oh wow.
Oh, because it curls up on the ends.
Yeah, I've never heard this in my life.
No.
She has never said it.
She trying to pass it off like it's a southern thing like, oh, we have to call it a currently she.
She is not.
Is that she can't find the word for it?
No.
I don't know why she started.
She knows fidget sheep.
Yeah.
So she just decided.
She said fidget sheep before.
She just started saying curly sheet and I love it.
It's so out of nowhere.
I like it too.
Do you fold your curly sheet?
When you put it away, when you have extras, you know?
Okay.
What was that a cat thing?
I, I, yes, that's how like a cat in a way.
I heard interesting.
Yeah, I heard something too.
I don't know what it was from.
That was fun.
Weird.
What was that?
Was that from out there?
Was it from Zig?
Did you hear it?
I heard it.
Did you hear it?
I don't know what it was. It wasn't any of our phones. Did you hear it? I heard it. Did you hear it? I don't know what it was.
It wasn't any of our phones. Zigg did hear it. Zigg heard it. Zigg, was it you?
What? My computer's on mute. You're mic-
What was it? That was it. What was it? I just heard it again. Oh, it's these microphones.
Oh, it's the mic stands. But he happened before he- but nobody moved to mic stand.
I said ghost, okay, just let it be. It's just a ghost. Do you think it's a cat ghost?
That's dumb. So can't really think that people are ghost.
Finish business. You know people with their ghost beliefs thinking only people are ghosts.
You know, it's pretty self-centered. I think they're ghostly ghost.
They're ghostly ghost. They're snelgos. There should be a ghost of every bird that's ever lived if you're gonna have
Every
Mascito there's a ghost every
If people get to be ghost birds get to be ghosts the end
Dead see the story. I don't want to hear anything more out of you. I almost hit a rabbit with my card as a on my
Whoa, cuz I hated it. No because it jumped out and run away. On your way over here, really.
Yeah, I would have been unlucky birthday.
But you could have kept the foot.
I made it like,
Well, I was kind of like, oh my God,
well, I would have had to have pulled it,
like I say it was not dead.
I would have had to have like pulled it over
and nursed it back to health.
What's your teeth?
With my penis out of the ears.
Suck on this.
Will you sell? He's dumbass.
Funny, sucky, you're dick on your birthday.
I'm a side of the whole birthday of me.
You're so sick.
Someone takes a picture of it.
They're like, this person went crazy on their birthday.
You're joking up, so what's going on?
And then someone from the forums is like
birthday
Bacherman
What the names are getting a lot of control. I don't see it. Just on it birthday have her man
Have her music a buncher. I'm just saying those I'm just saying you wish you had something that people cared about
I wish I had some people care about anything at all blows out candles man blows out candles
Men I mean basically point is just anything with man at the end. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah
I have stuff you're so jealous right now. All right. Yeah, I guess I really was pretty ugly Lauren
I'm so sorry for showing my chick
Green what are you planning to get tonight for your birthday?
We're planning to get what do you mean presents? I you planning to get? What do you mean get? Presents.
I don't, I asked for no, I said please don't buy me presents.
You don't even want a present.
Come on.
You don't want a present or a card?
No.
I don't think I didn't even think about it.
I don't think I'll get anything.
I'm sure a cool, I'll give you some, I mean.
I don't think.
I mean we're going to dinner.
But do you feel like when you say don't get me something you both, like,
we get to that?
True we mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. For like Christmas and stuff yeah we can assemble into a place well we get each other stuff for
Christmas apples calling me put them on the phone hello
sounds like Molly.
Please press one.
Hello.
Hello. Hello. Thanks for calling on what would help you? Well, there's this problem with my Apple device.
What's going on with my Apple device?
Did they hang up?
They hung up on me.
You feel for it too hard.
There's a problem with my apple.
Let's call back no really, my apple.
Nobody's that word.
Just getting full of my chin.
Yeah, probably.
Those fucking psychos, there was an episode.
They can tell I was too young too.
There's an episode of reply all, um, a podcast.
You know that podcast when they kind of like,
She's don't plug out the podcast.
Look, I don't.
If it's not three of them, I don't give a shit.
They better talk about us.
Reply all your on us.
We don't know you listened to this.
One for us, one for you.
My, I will say my one complaint with reply all
is that they often don't come to a conclusion.
They just like present a bunch of facts
and then they're like, anyway,
who knows?
Then they move on.
I don't love that,
but I do understand it's difficult to solve everything. But they did
a thing about that. They basically, that one was pretty interesting. They called, they
stayed on, they made a relationship with that guy basically on the other end of the call
and like got to the bottom of where the call was coming from and what they were doing and how
to scam, or to all that stuff. Well, we had a friend who was, who was their social media was being hijacked.
Do you remember this?
And they talked to the hijacker,
who was like, give me a thousand bucks.
Oh, Dan?
Yeah, Dan and dude.
We talked about it on Instagram.
Oh, we talked about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dan and dude, and he posted on Instagram.
Yeah, yeah.
I think it was even less than that.
It was like some kid who,
Oh yeah, and this, it's like, it's like, it goes into stuff like that. It was like some kid who'd, oh yeah, and this, this episode
of not just goes into stuff like that too,
people hacking snapchats and stuff.
Yeah, and it was like give me money and I'll give it back to you.
And then Dan was like, come on man.
And then he realized Dan was on one of his favorite shows
as a kid like a Disney show.
He played all that on that.
And was like, I'm serious.
Was like, well, okay, I'll give it back to you.
But like, let me, let me teach you how not this,
this cannot happen to you again. Or he's like, my boss really, I'll give it back to you, but like, let me teach you how this cannot happen to you again.
He's like, my boss really wants me to do this
and then like, his boss got involved.
It was very weird.
I find that so-
We were over in his house while all this was happening
and I was calling and-
It's, that's so creepy.
Yeah, I think it's fun.
I think it's fun to try to trick people.
I think it's fun to trick people.
If you're a low key, the magical trickster got. Exactly, thank you Scott, that's exactly the same thing. Low key, I don't think it's pronounced to try to trick people. I think it's fun to trick people. If you're low key, the magical trickster. God, exactly.
Thank you, Scott.
That's exactly what's going on.
Low key.
I don't think it's pronounced so.
Low key.
He's just a low key dude.
It's like low key, the magical trickster.
He's low key a magical trickster.
Does it make you feel good to pretend you're better than me?
Pretend.
Yeah, it makes me feel good.
Wait, what's an adorable thing that your people do? Yeah, it makes me feel good.
Wait, what's an adorable thing that your people do? My people?
Oh, yeah.
What people?
Your person.
What?
It's like, no, not the curly sheet.
My best friend.
Yeah, it's your best friend.
Oh, bully.
Well, one thing that's kind of...
You really put me on this one.
One thing that is kind of... if I say it's cute,
that is a strange question,
as a point blank.
Michael B2, he'll be confused because I said,
make signals about this.
Oh, word lines.
That's a bit long.
But he is very obsessed with chess at the moment
and playing on this app constantly with people.
He knows and also with strangers.
And he keeps ordering chess sets and he just got like
the fourth one in the mail.
I thought it was a package order,
I hope it was another chess set.
I was like, this has to stop.
And he was like, it's the last one.
So last one, it's where?
Where's he put him?
Well, he's like, once for upstairs.
Let's go home, man.
Once for downstairs.
I once for a while. We're going to do it. We're going to do upstairs. Let's go home, man. Once for downstairs. I once for a bathroom.
We'll go over to you.
But it's pretty cute.
I look everything she does is cute.
I got nothing specific.
She's pretty horrible.
Why is she the youngest person I've ever seen?
Everything she does is adorable.
She's a beautiful baby.
She's walking now.
That's cute.
I'm walking now.
She's got Chuteef cute. I'm walking now. She's got T-T-Fee.
Guys, come on.
Okay, we'll let you off the hook.
For your birthday.
It's your birthday, you don't do anything cute.
Is he good at jazz?
Yeah, I mean, I think so.
I don't know how to play.
Did he?
I don't know how to play.
He's trying to get me to play and that's been a struggle
because I'm- That's a bonus contention. It's a hard game to learn. I really don't how to play. He's trying to get me to play, and that's been a struggle because I'm a-
That's a bonus contention.
It's a hard game to learn.
I don't want to learn, and then he'll be like,
just sit down and move pieces, and I'll just tell you
what you're doing and what's wrong or whatever.
I'll tell you what you're doing wrong.
Yeah, and then I was playing, and I was just like,
Willie and Willie moving them around, and then he won,
and then I was like, K, and then, you know, it's like-
It's fine.
It's not really, you know, easy-
Well, yeah, and you can't play's fine. It's not really easy.
It's, well, yeah, and you can't play against a person
who plays all the time.
He's willing to teach me, I'm just really unwilling
to learn, and I think it is my fault.
It sounds like a 100%.
Yeah, yeah.
I like, I've thought about giving in,
and then I'm like, but I really don't want to.
It's just that thing of like,
it's not like, and I'm gonna be playing all the time.
Yeah, it's also not like playing someone who plays Scrabble every day and then allowing
the person to have like the two letter word list that they can look at or the dictionary
or whatever so they can get up to speed. It's like with chess, it's like, how do you?
I don't know how. I mean, it's all it's very funny. Like, we had our friend Mariah over and... Kerry? Yes. Mercy, let's say.
Let's say.
And he was like, as she was leaving, he was like, you know,
play gestures like, yeah, then he was like,
Joan playing.
I was like, you can't go.
Like, it was like, I know.
You have to.
You are leaving.
You can be.
You can be.
You're shoes on.
Don't worry.
But I had to like fight for it.
So he's a big chest head.
And you just want someone to play with.
And I mean, yeah.
But now with online, you can...
Well, he's playing constantly.
I mean, anytime his phone is playing with something,
he plays with damning,
any place with like,
handful people on the app.
So he should just do that.
Why subject everyone who comes into your house to that?
Scott.
Because they often give in.
Oh, because a lot of people are like,
oh, sure, I'll play.
So then it's like...
Are you a black mirror?
Yeah.
Let people play in person.
And you want to talk to a human being.
Much like you and Apple Inc.
Um.
I love it.
It's like Apple Inc.
Incorporated.
Yeah.
Oh my god, this is official.
Yeah, I also feel like if they were clung and iPhone,
I would just say Apple because they would have had
that figured out.
Like they would have a thing Apple.
Well, of course they would have, but I'm saying like,
it should say Apple,
if you wanna try to trick me.
Right.
Your phone's blown up.
I look as my birthday,
I feel like I'm getting a lot of messages
or something like that.
A lot of activity in the poi people thread.
Yeah.
Is there an Instagram thread post about you?
I don't know,
that's what I'm worried about
because I was getting nothing,
which is great.
Like I like you prefer that that I prefer to be Loki
Where it's just like under the radar. I like to be Loki on my birthday, too
High key on my birthday
But
I did a lot of posts. What I worry about is that cool up just posted about it because now suddenly I'm getting a lot of stuff
She must have yeah, don't like it. She's like love my Scotty
So great here's a cute thing. Did I can getting a lot of stuff. She must have. Yeah, don't like it. She's like, love my Scotty. He's so great.
Here's a cute thing, did I can name a bunch of them?
He won't even hear of me.
All right, let's go to a break.
Okay.
Now who are the cheap skates? Happy birthday to you. Happy, so Lauren just came in.
Lauren just came in with bowls,
a full thing of whipped cream,
and chocolate chips,
and she, and by the way,
Shevin just texted me,
a happy birthday, as you did this,
because on a previous episode, I guess I spoke about my desire as a kid, which I never did
of eating just whipped cream with chocolate chips.
It was guests, because you did absolutely do that.
She made me a, and everyone else, special treats for my birthday.
Oh my gosh.
It was delicious.
It was his, this is where it's like, wow.
Oh, thank you, man.
Thank you very much.
All right, so we're gonna do a taste test on this.
A taste test.
And see if it's actually a good treat.
Okay.
I'm predicting that it will be.
I'm predicting it too.
So we're all gonna, we're all gonna eat this on here.
Here we go.
Mmm.
Hey. That's really good, yeah. I wasn't crazy. Just on here. Here we go. Mmm. Ha ha ha.
Hey.
That's a really good idea.
I wasn't crazy.
Wow.
Two sweet things together.
Wow.
So good and whipped cream.
At 11 in the morning.
Yeah, that's good.
Well, have me work this guy.
We love you.
Thank you very much.
I'm very happy you finally got it.
Thank you for finally got what? Your dream of eating that. Well, I did. Yes, thank you so much. That's so nice of you. Thank you very much. I'm perfect. You finally got it. Thank you for finally got what?
You're a dream of eating that.
Well, I did. Yes. Thank you so much.
That's so nice of you.
Thank you for wanting more.
Welcome back. So it's time for a
three-cher feature.
Well, I also got this birthday cake popcorn
which you can try.
Oh, thank you.
I saw it and I thought, well,
I'll take this to the movie with me.
Oh, perfect.
Zig said you had a game?
No, that was it.
So, Zigg said that.
I was like, I know what this is about, but also,
I think we also have a game.
I was thinking.
Can't stop eating.
So, explain it for a long time, because I want to get some work.
The game is called, Would You Rather?
This is a game that we played growing up.
My mom claims to have made it up, but now it's a board game.
But it's literally just giving two options of either horrible or great things
than you pick which one you would rather have and why.
And you just go around.
That's it.
So the thing we play on Bang-Man all the time?
Oh yeah, my mom invented that. But it's not gonna pay the non-convict.
It's a play with your rather. The non-question version of it. I guess.
What do you mean? Have you ever listened to my show?
Yeah, but what are you talking about? I've been on enough that I think I've played every game.
What game? Would you rather? I would you rather
on band-may all the time. I don't listen to that
word. Always nice to be a fan. Paul you got something.
You listen to my shows. Why would I? Why would I listen to yours? Still made damn you got me
All right, well, I was thinking about the middle of the show my mom because we were talking about mom to
Mm-hmm, and that was something we don't I was little and we had like audio cuz what kind of things would she ask you about?
Like would you rather have she would make them up and stuff?
Mm-hmm. Oh great would you rather have a She would make them up and stuff?
Oh, great.
Would you rather have a pink convertible
with a lightning streak on the side?
Or would you rather have...
A piece of...
My life.
Like a really fast bicycle with streamers on it.
You know, I mean, you could just make up anything,
but I think it's fun if it's like...
Well, you could probably sell the car for more than a bike. So that's not the question.
But also, are you really shocked
that I don't listen to comedy bang bang every week?
No, I just figured you would be on when we played.
That's why I thought, but I don't know if I have.
OK.
Zieg, what's our what's our feature this episode?
We can we have a list we can do uh uh carnelli we can do the laughing game when players says hot next player says
ha ha what was the carnelli? We already played that or no we didn't what's
the name is so dumb that someone points at a player and says a title the
person on their right has to say a new title using the last word from the previous person's title.
Oh, we just did the rest of it.
Let's do the hog game.
Yeah, let's do the hog game.
Hogwarts.
There's that cat again.
So wait, but it's, it's, I don't remember it.
Explain it again.
Yeah, so one player says,
Ha, next player says, Ha, Ha and so forth.
First person to laugh loses.
Mm.
Hold on a second, I'm still chewing.
Mm-hmm.
I'm a charcoal gyms.
C, C, C.
Mm-hmm.
I'm like burping in my chest.
You can't make us actually laugh.
Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha he.
Ho.
I left after my journey was done.
I don't know if that's true, but it's your birthday.
Ha ha ha ha he ho ho.
Ha ha ha.
He ho ho.
Who?
You did a he too early.
Is that part of it?
No, I didn't.
She added one.
No, but you're supposed to do four ha's and then a he.
You did three.
Ah, don't think so.
I think this takes away from the point.
That was just ha's.
But then you added a he-thing.
Well, it doesn't get fun.
Last time we did it, we allowed other,
okay, but I'm saying,
why am I the keeper of the Lord?
All I'm saying is if we truly were playing that way,
then you just lost, but okay.
Ah, ha, ha, ha.
Why didn't she lose when she added, ah-ha.
You both lost, great.
I didn't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no both lost, great. Did you break things?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We're starting.
It was four, it was four haws.
We're starting over.
I key, two hose.
Here's, we're starting over.
And it's going from high voice to low voice.
Ha, ha, ha.
We're adding high voice to low voice.
Yeah. Okay.
Ha.
Ha, ha, ha. I don't fucking. Wait. You have to match my tone. Yeah, okay
Oh, I can wait you have to match my tone just as high as you can go
Ha, terrible huh
You're laughing. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh You win Paul
Why couldn't we play would you rather even though it was played?
Yeah, do it we can play a non-comedy version. Yeah, it's not why is it not comedy because
Show it gets it's all peepie poo poo. Yeah, would you rather pee pee out your poo poo or poop? I know it's not know it's not know it's not because your show is gross. No, sometimes it's come
Paul
I never thought I'd hear you ever say that
Find me guilty started start a lower calm
Lauren would you rather wake up every day barfing
Or fall asleep every night?
What no then what are you starting out where you're comfortable?
Okay, I fall asleep every night farting big
You can ask I guess the second one so former
I guess the second one. What's the former?
What's the former?
The former is barf every night?
I mean, yeah, it's really.
You look at every morning barfing.
It's horrible.
Well, I guess the farting is like.
Oh, it shoots that.
The farting is like bothers other people
more than it bothers you.
But the farting is just a charm.
Yeah, I don't want to ruin your marriage.
So is the barfing my do it too?
Is it a thing though, where like,
that would be a test of our marriage, I think.
Is it a thing where like,
every morning I wake up,
he can barf and hide it, but the farts he can't hide it.
I ruined his marriage.
I can go to the bathroom to barf and it's just one barf.
I've so many.
What do you mean by one barf?
I tell you, I've been throwing up every morning
for the last five years.
But you're not safe. I've been hiding it from you. Okay last five years. But you're not saying.
I've been hiding it from you.
Okay, fine.
You win.
No, ask.
I got you.
There's no winner.
I know.
All right, ask me something.
Scott.
Yeah.
Would you rather be invisible to the people that love you,
and that's how you find out who loves you.
Or,
or the people you hate are invisible to you, but they hate you.
Ooh.
I think it would be terrible to be invisible to one person in particular who loves me.
So you're mom.
Oh, well, that would be awful.
And I don't really care who loves me or who doesn't love me.
So that's not like an enticement, the finding out part of it.
So I guess it would have to be the other one where like they're invisible.
Do I still hear them? Yeah. That's creepy. And are they whispering constantly?
Oh, they talk about it so much they hate you. And they know they're invisible to me.
No, they don't. Oh, well, then I could hear what people, but I don't even like knowing what
people think about me. Have you seen that black mirror where you can block people in real
lives? Oh my god. It's so good. Oh, yeah, that was so crazy. Yeah, pretty crazy
That's crazy bad that fucking blew my mind. That's show blue my love episode of those
So I'd say that I'd say the second the second right everyone would pick the second
No, not me. I'd like much rather be invisible to people
All right Lauren. Would you like to go take a trip to the moon with everything that it entails
like you'd have to train you'd have to play among the stars. It would take you, you know, as long as it took them and all that kind of stuff.
Okay.
Or would you, or would you like to never achieve any more professional success than you have
at this moment?
Like, like basically everything dries up at this moment and then you choose whatever life
that you would choose if you were like,
oh, this whole thing is not working.
So are you there, have to go to the moon
or everything dries up, is this what you're saying?
Yeah.
That's so, that seems so grubby for me to be like,
I'll go to the moon.
But this is why it's hard.
It's hard to get to go to the moon.
This is why it's a hard choice though,
because that seems like a lot of work and a lot of time.
It's a lot of work, but I become so famous from it.
Would you, people of the moon, people will go to the moon, no.
Do they go to the moon?
Who's gone to the moon since the name?
That's their thing, I don't even know.
Has anybody gone?
Has anyone gone to the moon?
I don't feel like they're sending people regularly.
No, they're not for sure.
I honestly don't.
Well, the post office goes there every,
every year, just a regular job, I guess.
As a barista.
No, no.
I'm not a barista.
I'm not a barista.
I'm not a barista.
I'm not a barista.
I'm not a barista.
I'm not a barista. everything dries up as it is.
And I have to get a regular job, I guess.
As a barista.
No, no, no.
At that same place.
At that same place.
She's maxed out at her success level.
That doesn't mean she can't continue working the same job.
No, I mean, I mean that she, it all, I guess what I meant as it was that everything is,
yeah, you have to pick another job.
I think I would have to drive that.
Sometimes it doesn't seem kind of like cool.
So just go do something else and do that.
Hey, I'm to worry about this bullshit.
And you had some success and it was nominated for an Emmy.
And then I get to go be non-fidaz as a work at the airport.
Right.
And you don't have to go to the moon.
I actually think I don't want to go to the moon enough. I don't think I would want to go to the moon. It's Right, and you don't have to go to the moon. Which would actually-
I actually think I don't wanna go to the moon enough
to-
I don't think I would want to go to the moon.
It's so horrible.
I would absolutely love to go to the moon.
Really?
Just the centrifugal force and the-
Wanna feel it.
You know my favorite ride is that ride
where you're at a big-
T-Cup, you stand in a big circle
and it's just a centrifugal force.
I went on that, I went on that when I was young
at Magic Mountain and I had a very queasy stomach and still sort of do. It's a a triple force. I went on that, I went on that when I was young in Magic Mountain and I had a very
queasy stomach and still sort of do.
A delicate little stomach.
And all that people would tell you about is like,
I vomited on my just velvet short pants.
Turn. I fought it on it.
Turn to the side if you're gonna throw up
because if you throw up during the ride,
it'll come back in your face.
Wasn't there some girl who was scouped by that ride?
Scouped?
Yeah, her ponies had their cotton.
Was it that rider, some other rider?
Ugh!
Boom!
The predator got her.
Could you one more round?
Yeah, go the opposite direction.
Yeah, I once got yelled at on that ride.
For what?
For having my phone out right before it started.
I wanted to do a video.
Phone out, phone out?
My phone's out, my phone's out.
You're doing a phone out, bone out.
Don't want to see what was gonna happen.
I wanted to take a little video of me and my friends
on the ride, and then this guy came on the last
break, and said, put your phone away.
And I was mortified.
Oh, that was embarrassing.
As a grown man on this children's ride.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's go again.
We're going on the opposite way.
Make it good this time. Make it good. Okay. Oh, you're gonna ask Scott, and then he's gonna. Yeah. Okay. Let's go again. We're going on the opposite way. Make it good. This time make it good. Okay. Oh, you're gonna
Scott and then you asked me you're walking in New York City. Mm-hmm. Would you walk in there?
Would you rather?
You're getting mugged in New York City or with club and you have to fight people to the death to protect her. Wow.
Where you actually kill someone, but you are right
and you don't get in trouble for it.
That meaning in the second scenario.
Well, I'm having gotten to the second scenario.
Oh, oh, oh.
So I fight them to the death.
I win.
You kill someone and I kill someone.
And I kill someone.
But it's justified.
Self-defense.
Self-defense.
And you have to do it.
Yeah.
In what way am I? At first you were afraid, but it it. Yeah In what in what way am I first you were afraid that it was just a fact right?
In what way am I doing it?
Like by banging their head against you killed them with cool ups per strap and you like
Sure you tighten it around their neck until their heads explode
I
Want to do that. They don't explode. They just suffocate slowly and it's kind of like a little bit lame that you did it like that.
But you did.
It's lame because people are like, if you were a man, you'd just...
You get a punch in the head or something.
But you're like, gulp up, give me your purse!
And then you're like, purse, purse.
Purse me.
I'm just like, what? No, don't do it.
Just give me that purse money.
Can't do that or.
I like that, though, because it seems like you're just going to hand her purse over, but
instead you turn into a murder weapon.
Yeah, it's kind of cool.
Yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, to you, but no one else thinks it is.
The pips don't think so.
Everyone calls me the purse killer.
Yeah.
The pips don't.
The pips. The papers. purse killer. Yeah. The paper's the papers.
The papers?
Yeah, the papers.
The papers.
Oh, the paper rats.
When they said the papers, it's going to be bad news for you.
Or your other option is you have to be a paparazzi guy
for the rest of your life and you only
follow John C. Riley.
And you have to get a picture of him at the beach.
The former.
I want to kill someone.
And...
Like my life is the same in the former.
Yeah, except you have that.
Now it's part of your story.
And people have a hard time over looking at it.
I mean, people, there are people, certain actresses who have killed people in drunk driving days and they're fine.
I think about a gay heart.
Oh, okay, I wasn't gonna say.
Brandy, Matthew Broderick.
Brandy, that's right, Matthew Broderick.
But it does weigh on you.
And I feel like I always have dreams where I've killed someone
anyway and I have to live with that guilt,
so but just every day waking up and going,
oh right, I killed someone would be really tough.
But you do it.
Probably because I don't want to follow.
That's the Rylea round.
That would be worse.
Waking up every day going, all I do is follow.
I'm free.
You have to pick him down to your Rylea every day.
Yeah, so I him. One. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Let me do you have to follow him around the world.
Yeah.
Every country is in shooting a movie or something.
New island travel.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Go to school island.
Okay.
Paul, would you rather sign up for a movie subscription service where you have to go to a theater every
day and see one movie and stay all the way through or else you have to give them $100,000
of your own money.
So, do I want to sign up for that?
You signed up for it.
Right, so that's one choice.
So either in that choice, you can make either the choices like you see a movie every single
day and you have to fit it into your schedule.
If I give them $100,000, am I done?
Yes.
Like they go, okay, no harm, no foul.
Or would you rather become a famous chef who has his own cooking show.
And then accidentally during a live episode,
it's very, very popular, but during a live episode,
your pants fall down around your ankles.
And everyone says, look at that.
But, ooh, outsy mama.
That's the audience.
That's amazing.
Yeah, that's someone in the audience.
And it becomes like,
look at butt what?
Outsy mama.
Outsy mama.
Yeah, and that becomes a catchphrase
and is sold on like t-shirts everywhere.
And you become known as the butt chef.
I think the second one.
Why?
I think I got a pretty good ass and I'm proud of it.
You wouldn't want to go see a movie every day?
No, every day, no.
And I have to watch the whole thing.
Yeah, it would really.
That's worse.
You could do it anywhere in the world though.
It's where, at least if I'm the butt chef,
there's times where I'm not hearing and seeing that.
But knowing that I have to go through it.
You dream about it every night.
I already do.
And you're so ashamed.
I already do.
So no problem.
Yeah, I guess I get it.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, your turn. Why do they say out see mama?
Because he's so tall.
They're so turned on.
So yeah, see that's what I, that's how I took it.
That's why I'm like, yeah, it's a compliment.
They're turned on, but they're weird.
They're considered to be like a weird purve.
So no one else is turned on.
They are considered to be a weird purve.
Yeah. So it's an ironic sort of thing,
like can you believe that?
People like, look at that weird purve and that idiot who dropped his pants on like to be a weird purve. So it's an ironic sort of thing like, can you believe that? You look at that weird purve and that idiot
who dropped his pants on my TV.
I think those people are protesting too much.
Okay.
The people that say that they're wearing
the mortal bar, they're into it, they're all into it.
Yeah.
Paul, you're turning.
Scott!
No, not me.
Lauren.
Did you get seconds on your whip cream
and chocolate gan?
You were about to say,
more whip cream, not more chocolate jips
because the ratio was a melt.
Yeah, the ratio was a melt to melt.
Gah, gah, gah.
Lauren, would you rather be sightless,
but you have the most beautiful singing voice,
or hearing impaired, and you compose
the most beautiful melodies. When I'm hearing impaired, am compose the most beautiful melodies.
And when I'm hearing impaired, am I completely deaf?
Can I not hear anything or am I just impaired?
You can't hear nothing.
Okay.
But your melodies, you know that they are,
you can hear it in your head.
I think I would rather be sightless.
Melody is like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
because I really value.
You get the way to get the food out of your mouth.
You're like, I gotta get this one in.
That's a great melody.
It's beautiful.
How about this one?
Although you know what?
I'm actually not sure.
Because when I'm deaf, I can still see,
so I can do sign language.
And I can do, and I compose the amazing song
because everyone loves.
When you're blind.
I don't know, I feel like being blind
might be better for me, because I could listen to the TV instead of read the caption.
You listen to my podcast.
I listen to comedy back then for once.
You're being forced to.
I don't really listen to comedy podcasts,
so just put it out there.
Great.
Also, you would not know how many chestnuts my cause mind.
You could just be getting away with a lot.
Constantly tripping on chest think I'd rather be blind.
Oh, that's my same chest set.
I'm sorry.
You want my characters and communicate in that way.
You want to be blind and be able to do all my characters and like talk in the same
capacity that I'm able to know and communicate with people in the same way.
And I think being...
Here's the thing, no one wants you to do that.
Oh.
They don't want me to sing now?
You have a beautiful singing voice.
But they don't want me to sing?
No one likes your characters.
People like what you sing.
People like what you sing.
Okay, so now I'm just like a singer,
but not really, not for a job.
Like I'm just...
No, you want it to be your job.
That sounds hard.
I think I'd rather be deaf than I guess.
How good do you think you could sing?
If I was in this scenario?
No, just right now.
Not amazingly at all.
What's your little?
No.
Do you sing the raised-by-funk TV theme?
Yes.
But.
Do you do all the parts?
Yeah.
But except for the barbecue sauce at the end, that's
gave us. What she's doing in the
I think okay, fine. I really can. Yeah, he can he cannot carry a
tune at all. He knows. Well, he hits it. He hits it right. But
it's just it's too high. You should try to sing a song with him.
I will. I will. You should just try. Just try. He would
use the first to say it. But okay, I can play.
Don't miss this really hard. Thank you. You're really struggling
with this one. I guess.
I'm gonna have another. Well, because I guess that I would prefer
the second one. So I could still do comedy.
But I'm doing it with silent. Look, you're not doing comedy.
Oh, okay. That's that's out of your head. That's over.
Your life is over. That is over.
That is over.
This is you have different talents now.
Okay, then.
I mean, you're funny enough in that.
Am I known for like,
like, it's my previous life part of the story or no?
No, everyone.
Oh, then I'd rather be a blind singer.
Because I would love to have an amazing singing voice.
But if I were suddenly a singer now,
and only a singer, and I never did comedy,
I think people would not take it seriously,
it would be very lame.
Now everyone hated your comedy so much,
they asked to be hit in the head
so they would all have a ninja.
But then they got hit in the head again, and they're remembered.
Okay, good.
I'll take that one.
Yay!
And that's how you play, would you rather?
It was you with the finger.
No.
I know I'm sure I played that.
That was fun.
I was very surprised by this whipped cream chocolate chip thing.
It's so...
It was Paul's idea.
Oh, okay.
I was gonna bring donuts.
All right, enough out of you then.
Paul, thank you so much.
But you weren't talking at the same time.
Yeah.
It was funny because we were thinking of it at the same time.
Yeah.
Lauren texted me and I had just been thinking,
oh, we should get the whipped cream out.
Wow.
That was very meaningful to me.
No one has ever surprised me on my birthday with anything.
So thank you very much.
Oh, there you go.
Oh, right, where you go.
Really appreciate it.
And thank you for making this so wonderful.
Well, Scott, we love you.
Happy birthday.
We love you so much.
Oh, wow.
You.
Hatsimama.
But you would only know if you say Hatsimama.
I did.
I'm so turned on.
I gotta go.
All right, we'll see you next time.
Thank you, everybody.
We love you.
Bye. We'll see you next time. Thank you everybody. We love you. Bye