Threedom - Threevisiting: He Talks About Homies

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: The Pretzel Gang discusses rebooting Night Court and how their habits have changed in lockdown before playing Job Interview. Follow us on social media @threedomusa. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail at HAGCLAIMS8.com.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah! All right. All righty then. So, Jim Carreth. The former All right. All righty then. So Jim Carreth. The former president-elect Biden? Oh.

You think Jim Carreth is going to join the cast of Ishtenay? No, he just said today he's not going to. Really? Oh, that he won't be reeeally. Reeeally then. Why won't he do, really, really then. Welcome, why won't he do it? Smoking him. Welcome to Freedom.

We are of course the pretzel gang. We are the pretzel gang, we're them Freedom boys. The crocodile crew. I'm Scott. I'm Paul. I'm Lauren. And speaking of the Crocs, Cool Up who has hated my Crocs by the way.

Wow. And I've been wearing them. That's a hater. I've been wearing them around the house. Hey, haters, I welcome Lauren. And speaking of the Crocs, Coulop, who has hated my Crocs, by the way. Wow. And I've been wearing them. That's a hater. I've been wearing them around the house. Hey, haters, I welcome you. I love my haters. Haters are talking about me. I wished a new year to my haters, including her.

I want to wish a happy new year to all the haters, not to the losers. Sorry, you lost again. Wow. But she, I've been wearing them around the house because it's been really cold and the floor in my office is super cold. They are warm.

Well, these ones have fur in them. Oh, that's right. Remember how I said they're warm? Yes, you splurged. I kinda want new ones, I returned mine. But she... I know we're waiting for you to get your proper crock so we can take a group photo.

I know, but I really have to like go through the website a lot. So she hates them. And she makes fun of me anytime I'm wearing them. But she's now taken to buying charms for them and surreptitiously puts them on. That's very funny. So I have now on one, I have an avocado dip with tortilla chips. Sorry, that's fucking hilarious.

Put it on real life. And then I have a piece of sushi. But she does this overnight, like the cobbler's elves. Sorry, that's fucking hilarious. We're not really funny. And then I have a piece of sushi. Can you hold it? She does this overnight, like the Cobbler's Elves. Yes, exactly. I'm sorry, that's great. It is great. That's not a hater, that's a true fan.

What are some of her burns on your crocs? She's, you know, they're ugly. Sure, sure, sure. I'm ugly. Oh. My parents are ugly. That's unrelated to the Crocs, dude. Just sets her off.

So how do you feel when you... She does it in a red rage. How do you feel when you look down and see those Charms? They're stupid, but... But you like it. I will say our friend JJ took an Instagram picture of her Crocs and she has a lot of charms on them and Cool Up was like, maybe I like Crocs now

because I think she's very influenced by friends who she thinks are cool. Sure. This is JJ Abrams for talking. Yes. There was like a lens flare. We call him the croc master. Jessica's crocs look really cool. And I don't like, here's the thing. I don't know, I don't know if I have the proper ankle foot ratio. How much ankle do you need per foot? I don't know if I have the proper ankle foot ratio. I have like-

How much ankle do you need per foot? Like I look at her foot. It's a ratio I've never thought about before. Me neither, but Crocs are a weird shape. And I look at her foot and I'm like, they look so cute on her with those charms. What do you, are yours too skinny or hers too fat? No, like hers are like proportionate, like in a good way.

And I'm like, I have big feet, you know, like I, which is fine, Max. Yeah, and you cannot lie. And I accept that. And I don't care if people wanna hate on it. I think if they, look, they're ugly no matter who puts them on. Oh my, well, they're gonna see my feet.

My wiki feet score is fantastic. Really? Is that because you're tall? I have a feeling anyone who has long bones gets a better... Am I on wiki feet by the way or is it just women? No, no, there are men on there. But see, I don't know if you've shown your feet. I have to have shown my feet in some episode of Comedy Bang Bang, right?

Maybe not. Oh, maybe. Okay, well, we got Kulot popped up. Oh, great. Are you curious? What's her score? Yeah. She's got nice feet. Hmm. Four out of five stars.

Four out of five. That's not bad. What do you need to get five? 55 total votes. Okay, well. 55 weirdos commenting on her feet. Of nationwide foot finishes? But can I just say when I searched, WikiFeed's got awkward and it showed coolops. So that's interesting how they know. Interesting. So one in every state.

And the protectorates. And then four others in Texas. Now see, I have five stars, beautiful feet. I've got five stars. Five stars. How many votes? 737 total. What?

Dang. What have you shown your feet in? A lot of things. And red carpet and stuff with like, you know, sandal type shoe. Okay. They find them anywhere. They find them wherever you put them.

And my wedding photo is here, you know, like that's personal, but then it might feel good. So you're proud. So everyone go to wiki feed and give Lauren some extra votes. Please everybody. Throw some votes to cool up while you're proud. So everyone go to WikiFeed and give Lauren some extra votes. Please, everybody. Throw some votes to Coolop while you're at it. Give Coolop votes and definitely don't try to fucking skew it negatively, you know? Yeah, don't try to rotten tomatoes, ghostbusters her feet.

Yes, exactly. Thank you. Don't vote for the worst. Don't, don't... Don't Americanize it, Sanjaya. Sanjaya. Should we see if Paul's on there and then Janie's not come out? No. No, we shall not. Nor should we. Should we see if Paul's on there and then James

No, we shall not nor should we um no you're not One of the pretzel gang says no to something don't we have to immediately stop it is we have to write down our bylaws Who's the treasurer, but I typed in wiki feetetpaulitomkins and then Google showed me a tweet that you made. What? And the tweet. How dare you know I know this tweet. It says, please put me on wikifeet. I don't get how this is connected. What about wiki tweet?

Wiki tweet? It just has all your tweets. And they're beautiful tweets. Nice tweets. That's just Twitter. Four out of five. These are beautiful tweets. It's some behind the scenes footage of me doing a cool voice.

Now why is that connected to WikiFeed? What? It's from Freedom. There's scenes. I want to be cool again. I'll be cool. Oh, sure. Do you remember this?

I do remember this, yeah. You're tweeting our voices, Paul, without our permission? Or consent. They can sue you. Good luck. I'll see you in court see you there you want to get there you want to get there a little early at breakfast can we do it later I guess we're gonna afternoon court I know there's night

court yeah they never talk about afternoon court wabba dee dee dee hey there night court reboot coming soon sequel well it's still a reboot isn't it it's a well it's not a reboot because he's playing the same character John Lerocat yeah it's not a reboot, isn't it? It's a well, it's not a reboot because he's playing the same character John LeRocque. Yeah, it's not a reboot. It's I guess Yeah, I'm gonna reboot it's a comeback What do you call a sequel for something that don't call it a reboot not been on the air for 30 years? I guess a two jakes. It's a

Forget it two jakes. It's two times Here's my question and I'm not I'm not mad about reboots and sequels, but I'm wondering if we can do the... No, I got that. Sorry, Boots. Sequels. I'm not mad about reboots and sequels. I'm not mad about it.

But... I ran Contra sequel. You know, is this what happens when time continues and... Whoa, you blow my fucking mind. And there are so many TV channels and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. time continues and And there are so many TV Yeah channels and blah blah blah blah. We have no new ideas when we have to go back to the Involved in something that is a hit so it can be rebooted so I can get some money down the line Do you know here's my I don't know why how I made this connection, but when I read an action is made how I made this connection, but when I read that news. The connection is made.

Beep. Beep. Beep. We gotta say that, anytime a connection is made on this show. Every time? Anytime a connection is made? So we have to just infer that a connection was made.

Not just anytime somebody says it, but anytime someone connects to the thing. If someone makes a connection between two things. Okay. A connection is made. Beep. Go ahead. I forget what, anyway.

So I read the news. The news, the news boy comes to my door. Extra news happened. What is it, boy? Let me have that. John Lorakette to make a night court sequel. I went to, I think, because I was thinking of like, who's still alive?

And so they're all still alive except for Harry Anderson. Of course, comedy bang bang star. The best known for comedy bang bang. And can I say star of night court like a central player. Yeah, the lead. I know but I'm saying like so it's interesting to go we're gonna do a sequel now without this key person. Yes. Let's go let's make it let's set her around the character at the least amount of depth. Well, I will say John Larrowick had won all the Emmys for it. Right?

He did win all the Emmys for it, for playing a disgusting man. Yes. Really was he perverted, I don't remember. That was his whole thing, he was a perv. I was a kid, you know, I didn't get it. He was like, Merv the Perv over here. In, I think I'm more of as an Irv the Perv.

Oh, that's true. What does this banner say? It says bright. Happy birthday, maybe, I'm more of as an Irv the Perf. Oh, that's true. What does this banner say? It says bright. Happy birthday, maybe? I'm not sure. We had a birthday socially distant celebration for a friend. It says bright.

I'm sorry, it says bright and who? There were only three people. Birthday guy, one other friend in us. Do you want to tell us who it was? Bruce Springsteen. No, I don't. All right. Happy birthday, Mr. President.

So I thought what and to be fair, they did give John Larrake's character a little shading as the series went on. Sure, you have to. But still, he was a perf. I thought, what about a sequel? Bless your silly ass. You, Lauren Lapkus. Thank you. Thank you for not sneezing on the equipment. What is that sequel? Bless your silly ass. Bless your silly ass. Lauren Lapkus.

Thank you. Thank you for not sneezing on the equipment. What is that from? Bless your silly ass. I don't know. I just said it. I feel like that's a thing that we said. I've said it when people sneeze for a while.

Okay. I don't know. I would like to say a sequel to ET with grown up Elliot and ET being reunited. And it should be called E2. E2, ET and Elliot, it's like a Cobra Kai, where Elliot's like a piece of shit now. Now see, Cobra Kai, I was like,

I'm so confused everyone's watching this, like Mike was like really wanting to watch it. I'm so confused, a television show and people watching. No, no, hold on, I just was like, this seems like it's not for adults. Like I was confused by my brother was really into it and Mike was really into it. And then I watched it and I really liked it. Yeah, I really enjoyed it. I thought it was really well done. Yeah.

But I was really surprised by that. Like so I was an example of one of the sequels that I thought did a good job. Yeah. But I think there are a couple in the Spielberg canon like close encounters. Yeah, what happened? That would be a great sequel. Like, what, then that guy comes back to Earth? But then aren't all of the questions answered, you know, and the whole point of that movie

is like, oh, holy shit, like there's probably life out there in outer space and we all, we all want to know, but then it ends right before it gives you the answers, you know? Yeah, I'd like those answers. I've waited long enough. But I would love to see E.T. and Elliot reunited. What about E.T. and the Close Encounters aliens fighting? That I want to see too. I don't know if I want to see E.T. and E.T.V. Elliot. They release all three movies at the same time. What do you think the plot is? And Drew Barrymore is in it? Yes. Drew Barrymore is in it.

Everybody's in it. I guess DeWallis is in it? Well, no, but here's what happens then. It's gonna have to be about their kids. Peter Coyote is in it? Like, Drew Barrymore and Elliot live next door to each other. Or two Peter Coyote.

And they have kids of their own families, and then they have, what are you, what, what, what I was doing with my thumb Was that a problem? Okay It took me a second to process. I think that's a Neil Campbell thing we would always talk about on On the TV show. Oh my god. Remember when Neil said that thing was so funny and then I feel like I can never tell the story right I know it's about being on the balcony. The story doesn't tell.

Well, it was windy and scary and I went back in after 60 seconds. That was when we were on tour of course and talking about how nice our balconies were in our hotel. Did you guys go on your balconies? And we were like, oh no, I don't know, did you? And he's like... Yeah, but it was Wendy and scary. I think he just said yeah, and then we had to ask him, how was it? Yeah, it was like, Wendy, scary. And I came back in, I was just like,

just a second. So yes, go on, Lauren. You don't want to see that, and why is that? No, no, here's what I'm pitching what it should be so that I could want to see it. Okay. So it's gonna be. This is how pictures work.

Yeah, it's gonna be Elliot. What's Drew Barrymore's character's name? Gertie. Gertie. They live next door to each other. It's Halloween again. It's Halloween. She's calling everyone penis breath.

It's her catchphrase. She's a single parent now much like her mom was. Sure. Then Elliot's got a wife. Because she's been trying to, no one will like, you know, be as good as ET ever was. Yeah, it hurts her. We need to get her a text. So then, that's so gross.

And then they, they live, they live next door. They live next door. Which it's a home. But she'll never to be a parent. Elliot and his wife and kids live next door. This. To whom? But she'll never to Peter Coyote. For Elliot and his wife and kids, live next door to her kids. This is like a Raymond situation. And there's a backyard that connects. And the kids play at all hours because there's this sort of safety net of this connecting

backyard. How's it connected? Is it like a tunnel or? Oh. With my cousins. There's a gate that they've connected. They've opened it. A connection for a gate.

A connection for a gate. For a gate. Yeah, so they the kids play at all hours of the night. OK, OK. And what happens is one night E.T.'s baby comes to visit. E.T.'s baby. What visit. E.T.'s baby? What about his baby mama?

Is E.T. still alive? It's like baby Yoda, but it's E.T. Yeah, he's alive, but he's not visiting. Why did they visit in the first place? Do you remember? It was exploration, right? Yeah, like a science cruise. Or something.

What if one of the samples, hold on. What if one of the samples that they got, what if one of the samples that they got, they realized when they're all out in space back at ET's planet is necessary to save ET's baby's life and they need to come back to get more of it. I like that. We need more grass.

Grass. Yeah, pot. I was just thinking. We need medicinal marijuana. We need sativa. What if it's like ET.T. A full body high. E.T. and his child have been separated and E.T.'s baby, like baby E.T. is like

trying to find details about the dad. Where dad was and so he tracks him to his last known location, Earth. And E.T. never took off. E.T. just wanted to ghost Ellie. It was like goodbye, you'll always be in my heart and they just like went into a cave. He's just wanted to ghost Elliot. It was like, goodbye. You'll always be in my heart. And they just like went into a cave. He's just drinking beer and being...

Oh boy, that guy. Drinking beer and eating gracious pieces all the time. He only knew him for a week. Talk about clingy. Well, if he stayed, you know, he probably would have affected how Elliot acted the rest of his life with all of his behaviors. Prop? What do you mean?

Like... You know how they were connected by their soul? Oh yeah. So if he ever like, you know, got again, I'll you would be drunk. Yeah, who got drunk E.T. Or yeah, it was He did get drunk. I haven't seen the movie in such a long time. Yeah, he's home alone and he Kevin and he gets drunk and eats Reese's and you know, I like the part where the FBI agents point their walkie-talkies at the flying. Yeah That was my favorite part. I love that Maybe why I have a walkie-talkie. I man, I loved walkie-talkie We were supposed to get some walkie-talkies the other day and who first first

You were supposed to be in on this but you ended up not going so we all We're going to Magic Mountain to see the Christmas lights display. Magic Mountain. I will say it really worked out that I ended up missing the ticket sales because I wouldn't have been able to go. Really? Why? Because you had to.

Because I had to show, and it was the timing of when you guys actually left. We left at 7.30. I wouldn't have been able to go. Also, it sucked. Yeah, it wasn't great. I was wondering if it sucked, you know? Because I think-

I mean, it was something to do. Oh, I love that. It was something to do and it was fun to go through it. It was fun to see you all. As kind of a group and goof on it and everything. I wouldn't have been mad if I was there, but I was curious. No. I was thinking about it this morning of like, yeah, as bad as it was, I will probably reminisce

about it and have fondness for it. I'm so glad we did it, but money-wise, yeah, it's a rip-off. Oh, it's a total. It really seemed like a save our park, give us, you know. Absolutely. Like give us $60 a piece for nothing. They did a little bit less than an average neighborhood would do. Yes.

Like a neighborhood that's known for having a lot of lights. Watching the great Christmas light fights thing, I'm like, why couldn't Magic Mountain have done that? That's a house. But they obviously didn't have the budget for it. But in any case, what were we talking about? Why were we saying this? E.T.

No, but why? Oh, we were supposed to have the walkie-talkies. Yeah, yeah, we were like, John first was like, we should get walkie-talkies and be able to communicate with each other when we're all driving, because we're all in separate cars. But what about like a main group FaceTime? Coolop said it. Don't get ahead of it.

She's the queen of this. So then Coolop was like, hey we should get walkie-talkies. I said that was John's idea. He already texted it so I bet he's gonna do it. And then Janie talked about getting walkie-talkies. Janie talked about getting an app. Is there an app that's like a walkie-talkie app? None of us did anything. And we were there. So then we FaceTimed. We group FaceTimed. I'm sorry to skip to the end of the story. Here's what was great is that John started it and then did not have his image on there. So it's just a big square with his initials.

It's just JH. That took up most of the screen. Most of the screen. Not JH. Well, why wasn't his face there? JS. Here I am, JH, the ghost of the machine. I think he's J.N.E. in the dark. That's fromH. Well, why wasn't his face there? J.S. Here I am, J.H. The most beautiful machine.

That's from Brazil. His Christmas card was funny. Oh, I guess I didn't get one. I'm sure you did. I'm sure you did. Oh, no, it was me. Why would I get one? I thought it was just cute.

But they put the adults' ages as well as the child's age. I tell you, there's a video. This is our friend, Tal-John. He put up a video of his daughter singing, tonight you belong to me from the jerk, which is so cute. She's singing for like two minutes, every part of it. She's pretending to play a little guitar. And going in by the line of the silvery moon,

like Segway doesn't meddle with that. And what was really funny to me was then she takes the guitar and she puts it in the arms of a toy Yeah, like you play this. Yeah, and it's like what if you saw that in a concert? Billy Joe did that at the Green Day concert got someone on stage who and taught him how to play one of the songs is fucking great Well, if I go to a concert, I don't want to see anybody like me up there. Yeah. I came to see the fucking professional. Oh, wait.

There's one video that I recently watched that was really good. It was Michael Buble, having, he was doing a concert and then this woman like screams out that it's her son's birthday or something. He was there and he's a singer and he brings him up on stage and he's legitimately good. Plant. Well, I don't care if it was a plant. Was it the plant from Little Shopping Wars? Yeah, it was the object.

And it was a plant. He's got a great voice. I'm just a mean, green mother from outer space. I'm bad. I once was a part of this live reading of that. Really? And some- Of the Michael Buble story?

That story you just told us? That's weird. And we were listening to it? It was just now. I was reading that. No, of Little Shop. Who were you, Audrey? I think I was.

This was like a couple of years ago. I can't remember. But like David Arquette was in it. How do you not know? I don't remember. Did you sing it? Well, it was a disaster. Oh.

So that's why... No, I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I can't remember. But like David R. Kat was in it. How do you not know? I don't remember. Did you sing it? Well, it was a disaster. Oh, so that's why.

No, I didn't sing. So maybe you weren't Audrey. No, but no one. No one sang. No one sang. Did you read the lyrics? I honestly can't think of how well it was a disaster because they it was as big of a disaster as when Audrey to ate the earth. It was just this this this little performance that was supposed to happen. And it was, everything went wrong that could go wrong.

And the electricity went out right before it started. You were reading it. Yeah, yeah. It was truly a mess. The electricity went out right before it started and then we had like weight. And it was, I hesitate to throw it under the bus, but it was at a puppet theater in LA. Oh one of those many puppet theaters in LA Couldn't figure out exactly which one it was Let's see if I can narrow it down

And so then some puppetry was happening to kind of the weird lighting was right there electricity was out and then we started we eventually started but then like the music was messed up because of the electricity problem. So it was like a sort of everyone pulling themselves up by their bootstraps like make this happen. But like it just wasn't, it was just not. I was in a... And then it was so long. Like sometimes these things are like, where are we doing this? I was in a show like that where they served the...

Were you in this in the day that Clown cried at Santa Monica where they served the season to assist to Pat? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We talked about this, I think. We talked about it. But yeah, it's such a, such a sinking feeling in your stomach when like everything is going wrong on stage. Never felt, never felt it, but just from what people describe to me. Yeah. Usually you're just so unaware of how much you suck. It's as close as I would ever imagine feeling to not doing well on stage.

I had a friend of mine once who was not a stand-up but who was, who would do characters and stuff like that and... Mr. Bean. Yes, have I told you Mr. Bean who did characters? These characters would not shut up. He did characters that were very adroit and they talked a lot. This is like Teller. Can't talk on stage so when you meet him.

Yeah. Is he a chattie? I'm going to character so I can still be Teller. Is he a chattie? I wanted to see Penn and Teller in Vegas a few years ago. And Teller, who talks? Penn. Penn, Gillette.

He lost his voice and he was like, he was talking like this, it was crazy. The show must go on though. Honestly, it was wild. Okay, what were you gonna say? So my friend said, I was telling some story about bombing doing a standup set. And my friend said, I've never bombed.

I don't know what that's like. That's insane to suggest. It is insane. And then I had this person on a variety show that I was doing at Largo years ago, and she did a character and she fucking bombed. Did you say, hey, there's a first for everything? Never brought it up, never ever mentioned it.

Wow. But in my mind, I was like, that's what it feels like. Well, maybe she's done that before and she just doesn't know. She doesn't realize that's bombing? Yeah. Maybe she's like, that's what I feel like. Well, maybe she's done that before and she just doesn't know. She doesn't realize that's bombing? Yeah. Maybe she's like, I mean, I've been in front of stupid audiences who don't get what's good, but I've never bombed.

Wow. Speaking of bombs. You're going to fart? I have nothing. Are you about to drop it? What? What? I have nothing. Hey, isn't it crazy when bombs go off? Are you about to drop that? What?

I have nothing. Hey, isn't it crazy when bombs go off? Are you serious? Or do you have a bomb here and I drop? I have nothing. You don't have a big bombshell or your bombshell? I don't have a big bombshell. I'm sorry.

I have nothing. Are we done? Yeah, shut it down. Did we finally? We officially ran out? We ran out of stuff to say. I'm sorry, I wanted to do a segue, thought something would come up with. We just had what I would consider

a string of a bunch of new stories. And then you killed it for some reason. You segueed to nothing. Sorry, but I thought it would be there and just kind of ended up. Did you think you were gonna come up with something and you thought someone else would fill the void? Well, I thought you guys would interrupt me

like you normally do and I wouldn't have to say anything. No. But I just wanted to fill the- No, no, no. We only interrupt Lauren. No. Right, yes. Someone commented.

According to one of our fans. So it's like, it's very kind but very inaccurate because I definitely interrupt everyone. I've done it every five seconds of this entire podcast. Well, wait, Lauren, did you finish? What did you want to see happen with E.T.? Okay, so what happens is- They live next door to each other, share backyard.

E.T. comes to Earth because he's trying, the baby E.T. and it's really cute. Baby E.T. Baby E.T. Baby E.T. he's really cute and he's wearing a small hoodie. Aww. Did him living color ever do a parody and just call it BET? Call what?

Oh, ET. Their parody of ET is BET. And he's like, talks about homies and he talks about homies. Is that the title? He talks about homies? He talks about homies. I never even wonder what the title will be., he talks about Omis? He talks about Omis. I never even wonder what the title will be. Home E.T.

I'm B.E.T. But when I hear the title, I think, yeah, that was a moment. What? Ha ha ha. I said, I never think about it when we're doing the podcast what the title of the episode will be.

Oh yeah, I never really think about it either. That's all I think about. For some reason. You're just always trying to say something catchy. I'm afraid I'm going to. For some reason I feel like I was making a newspaper when I was 10 or 11. What does that mean?

Because you absolutely did that? I have this image in my mind of cutting out the What a weird feeling. Cutting out the ad for ET out of the paper and putting it in my own paper Fucking bad newspaper you made And you're losing money. They're not paying you. Well now with everyone like pivoting to video You posted this week that you've posed that you've done 40 episodes of your podcast with Janie.

Yes. Isn't that shocking? It's wild. Did you start like a week into the, how early into the pandemic did you start? That's a good question that I don't readily have the answer to, but if you guys talk, I can look it up. No, don't you think that's crazy? Talking, talking.

When I saw that I thought, you probably never thought it would go on that long and for sure Yeah, that's almost a year. Yeah, what are you guys gonna do for your? Co-adversary probably cough into a cup Well my peas Mike's gonna pee in a couple I I'm going to show. Mike's going to pee in a couple eye coffin to it. I'm probably mouth really close. Well.

And whatever happens, happens. March 19th. Is your first episode? That was the first episode. Oh. That was like nine days, I feel like, to the end. Well, I think I started the 16th. So you did it.

You started what? Quarantine. Oh. March 16th. Yeah. Oh, okay, okay. So you started it right? quarantine March 16. Yeah, okay. Okay, so you started it right away right away. Yeah, so 40 weeks Yeah, 40 weeks and that's as of this recording 40 we're gonna keep doing it I'll grunt when people hear this it'll be 40 40 odd foot of My friend actually just had a baby and I think that means she was pregnant from day one of the pandemic. Wow. So they fucked immediately. They're like, getting here, baby.

They were like, we're bored. Yeah. What is there to do? I don't know. Fuck. Oh no. I have friends that I've never discussed like having kids with like we would you might Do it with one of your friends. Yeah, but we never talked about it That I've never heard them express like they want to have children and then they just had a baby. Oh It was such a surprise to me. Yeah, we know like a topic that we never discussed maybe They're a little bit a little bit younger than like but like so

Oh, if it's never come up, they probably aren't and they never No, cuz they live on the they live on the East Coast and so I didn't I had no idea this was happening Oh, and then it was just like hey I just want to let you know we had a baby and send pictures and it was so precious, but it was such a surprise. That is a surprise when you didn't know the person was even pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a friend who had, he and his girlfriend were chilling one night. Oh boy. Like sex? No, they were Netflix involved. They were just hanging around, hanging out. This is back in the 90s. Oh, so that, yeah, they were literally just chilling.

Yeah. And going, I wish someone would invent Netflix. All we have are these video tapes. And then she's like, ah, my stomach hurts. And they go to the hospital when she has a baby. No. Neither of them knew. I'm sorry.

I was thinking about that the other day and how, because there's a whole show. I didn't know I was pregnant Yes, right You'd have to be so out of touch. I think with your body in to have no Just denial about what was happening. Maybe bargaining acceptance To get through the point where you are giving birth. I could imagine I remember I mean I know people who didn't know

for like the first few months, but to get to the point where you were in labor and you had no idea, I'm like, well, first of all, what the fuck? Cause you were like, ever. They started to talk about it like my friend was like, well, we both had gained weight. We, you know.

So then like your period stopped for nine months. I don't know. I don't claim to know everything about the female body, but you do miss multiple periods, right? Yeah, and you'd probably, if that happened to me, I'd go to the doctor. I'd be like, oh, I haven't got my period for eight months. It's a little unconsumerable.

Who knows, I mean maybe they don't. After the first, right? You're like, uh-oh, I'm late. What's going on? There are a lot of people who don't go to the doctor when they think something's wrong because they don't. After the first, right? You're like, oh, I'm late. What's going on? But there are a lot of people who don't go to the doctor when they think something's wrong because they don't want bad news. You know what I mean?

Yeah. True, but that's a baby. I know, but like maybe they thought it would be bad news. You know, like maybe she thought like, oh. She had a tumor or something. Yeah, or so who knows. But in any case, it turned into a wonderful situation for them both and. And that kid is 20. That kid is in any case, it turned into a wonderful situation for them both.

And that kid is 20. That kid is probably Malia Obama. Holy shit. Well, no, it wasn't that. Yeah, the kid's probably 20 at this point. Yeah. That's also just a sign of like how much your body protects you. Like if a person could just go like, oh, and then they're just doing whatever for the whole time and it's like, turned out okay. Like, that's amazing. Yeah. I mean, who knows? Yeah.

Holding her belly up on the roller coaster. Listeria, deli meat. I know, well, that's the thing. You think like, how are any of us here? Because during the caveman times, how did any of the babies survive? But yeah, it just I really hate to think about cavemen fucking. Oh, I love it Come on You ever see clan of the cave bear?

Isn't it grossly about a cave woman? Don't they do this or something like that and then the women have to bend over and I was just talking about clan of the cave bear What were you talking about? What is that? Well, it's a... Darrell Hanna. It was a book and then a movie.

My first girlfriend in high school, she loaned me that book and told me how... I told the story on... This is what I like. Stay of Homekins. She said... This is how I like to be treated. This book is very special and important to me. It's beautiful.

I've never cried reading a book before. And so I started reading... Not even the Bible? I cried on a book before and so I started reading the Bible. I Cried on a boredom blue boy Job we all got it bad Arguably the most interesting book probably it's the one with a plot other than revelations, which is the fuck She made it out like this Important book Fuck it. Banana. She made it out like this book was like this big important book. Side note.

I just was on. Stop interrupting you. I just was on Dan Klein and Robert Padnick's, Pad, Padnick's podcast. Excuse me. Where they read the Bible. In Robert's podcast? Robert Padnick's podcast.

Robert Pattinson. Isn't it Robert Padnick? I don't know. He's like a TV writer. Okay. They have a podcast So they just read the Bible from start to finish and I just I was on an episode How many verses did you have to cover? To I think they call them chapters. Oh, too. Yeah, that's what the Bible Chapters and verses yeah But then they apologize because my section was was really boring. Chapters and verses. Yeah. But then they apologized

because my section was like really boring. Yeah. I mean, there's whole just parts of it that are just boring as hell. It's like fucking so Marley. Edit. So Marley, how are you saying it? So this woman said this book was really special.

This young lady said this book was really special. So I'm reading this book like it's an important book. And then I finally, and it was like a torture. And then I finally realized, oh, this is just a garbage book. And then I breezed through the rest of it. Oh, but then did you? Then I had to act like, yes, this was beautiful.

Was it like a book report where you had to mention the parts that you thought? Yeah, she really quizzed me. Yeah, who's old Yeller? Ah! Ah! The far man. The far man.

That was from a different show, Lauren, that you were a part of. But it kind of sounds like... But you were on your phone too, who cares? No, no, I'm listening. It actually... Just shut up. It actually sounds like... Just shut up.

Like what you said was like, Old Yeller's actually the farm hand name. Like Frankenstein's actually the farm hand. Actually, Old Yeller was named after the farm hand. They loved the farmhand so much they said, let's name the dog after him. I always forget that that's a book. I've never read the book and I've never seen the movie. I don't want anything to do with that movie. And the whole point of it is just that the dog dies.

What is the story of Old Heller? Well, isn't it like Marley and me where like it's all about the love of a boy and a dog and then the sad ending is that Marley and me where like it's all about the love of a boy and a dog and then the sad ending is that Marley gets shot. I don't know. I read, I'm more of a sounder man myself. Oh hell yeah.

I remember that. That's what I read. Classic. Yes. Did Lassie make everyone think that your dog should have special powers to like, because dogs, I mean yeah, there are dogs who bark a lot when there's a fire. I sort of think like my dog has some special powers, mostly being an idiot, but I feel like there's like...

Pretty special. There's like a sense of she knows what's going on, you know? Yeah, I just would hate it if... Like politically in the world. Like she's protective, of course. And if I'm sad, she's like aware. Right, right. I would just hate it if there was a fire and my dog didn't alert me like, would I blame

the dog? Like, why aren't you more like these hero dogs that barked a lot? Do your dogs sleep in your bed? No, no, we put them in the crate. Although now they like to sleep in the crate together, which is very cute. That's very cute. That makes it better. Yeah, but I think for warmth purposes, but also Molly Does you keep the house freezing?

Well, to be honest up there at night cold cost money And listen to gives it to you keep it cold I like to keep it cold because Yeah, I'd sleep better We have an issue with our house where the bedroom gets the most heat in the house. Why is that, do you think? I don't know. Because you're having the sex in there.

Because we have the sex in there. We, it comes from us, the heat. We got, Coolop got me a heavy blanket that has holes in it that makes you feel like... Like a weighted blanket? A weighted blanket. A weighted blanket, but it's for cooling purposes. It's knit. So there's holes so you can just put a sheet over it and feel like you're-

On vacation. But feel like- I got my co-weighted blanket and he really likes it, but it's not like that. It's like a solid, but I sort of think that might be good. The one for cooling though has the holes in it, yeah. Well, here's the thing, is that if Janie wakes up before me. Janie wakes up before me.

She'll wanna turn the heat up cause she's out in the house where it's colder. And then if it's, I feel it before I wake up so that when I wake up I'm groggy. Like it really affects me. It's wild that I wake up and then it's just in this horrible situation. It's like you've been in suspended animation

in Alien or something like that. That's exactly right, Scott. That's exactly right. I'm like, go, go. I'm always surprised when you say you sleep in. I didn't used to. I used to wake up before her all the time. It feels like you would be a rise and shine.

I used to be. I used to be. Did you get that reference? No. It's Kylie. Kylie Minogue. Kylie Jenner. Oh.

She, there's this video where she walks in. We've covered all the Kylie's. She walks into her baby's room and she goes, rise and shine. And she sings it, it's like really weird, but then everyone made fun of her and then she copyrighted rise and shine. These she sings it. It's like really weird. But then everyone made fun of her and then she copyrighted rise and shine.

These people. Hey, is that why she's a billionaire? This is not a helicopter, by the way. This is a plane. It's a plane. Not we don't have a song for planes. Please don't sorry. Sorry. But so you now sleep late. Now we sleep late. Yeah. What's the change? Pandemic. Oh really?

So it was not even before the pandemic you were doing this. No, before the pandemic, I would always get up before she did. Always, always, always. And now I just, well, I'm also staying up later. Yeah. Oh, on your phone, on the computer? What's going on?

I play my video games after she goes to sleep. Oh, that's right. Yes. What's that one that they just had to refund everyone? goes to sleep. Oh, that's right. That's right. What's that one that they just had to refund everyone? Oh my God, Cyberpunk 2077. Did you buy it? What do you mean?

No, I didn't. I wish I had because I wanted to play the fucked up version. Why did they have to refund it? Because it was so bad or something. There were so many glitches. Also for some reason there's, you can customize your character's penis. Oh. I saw that on Dana's Instagram.

Like in Make It Smaller? And she almost got her account deleted. You can if you wish. Great. You can go either way. It was really shocking to see it. I was like, Dana, all right. Why is that necessary?

Yeah. Wait, Dana, my cousin Dana? Dana Wiccato. Oh, Dana Wiccato. I'm always surprised by who knows Dana. So I thought I'd find that. I know Dana and we are Instagram pals. Aw. And we are Instagram house. Oh I was I was searching for a gift for my co-worker recently and I was saying to cool up

I have no idea What together and and collapse it all last Dana and like they are great friends on And I had no idea. Oh and Dana's also really good at um, and stuff like that. Yeah. We have to take a break. Goodbye. OK. Ha ha ha. And we're back. And speaking of being back.

Oh no. I didn't have anything. What about backs in general? I had something I was going to say, which is that I just feel like the pandemic has taken away any positive fucking habit I ever had. Like working out. Absolutely same. Like working out, being outside a lot. What is it about working out that the pandemic

has made so difficult? Well, I typically go to class. Oh, okay. And it's really necessary for me to go to a place and be around people who are doing it, so I'm motivated. And I just- So people can take pictures of your feet.

Oh yeah, I gotta show them. You work up barefoot. But I feel like, and I really liked using the machines. Like, you know, it's just, I don't have any of this stuff. And then that went away. I feel like my phone addiction is skyrocketed. My eating is worse. By the way, I got, you know those alerts every week

where they tell you how much screen time you had. Oh my God, I turned that shit off. I got one the other day that I didn't think was possible. It said, this week you are on your phone for an average of 23 hours a day. What? I was like, what? You never sleep.

I was like, that doesn't seem possible. You're sleep scrolling. But the average, maybe there was like one day, you know, maybe it like. I was one day you were on it for 62 hours. But then maybe I thought maybe my computer and phone synced up and now they're saying, well, you were on your computer and your phone

I know that I mean yeah, it's like when I'm not on my phone I'm on the computer. I'm watching TV and if I'm watching TV. I'm on my phone like it's just there It all goes together. Yeah, and it's impossible Well, but when I get those alerts, I honestly I have said fuck you to them Fuck you They offended me before the pandemic Honestly, I have said fuck you to them. Fuck you. They offended me before the pandemic. Seri, fuck you. I just let myself do whatever I want during this time,

but I don't think it's good for my brain. I used to read a lot more. Yeah, I'm sort of looking at the new year as a reset for sure. Yeah, that's a good idea. That maybe it'll just, it'll just the feeling of starting a new calendar year will feel a little different. I've always said like January two is national get shit done day

because you get so many emails of people going like, hey, what if we did, you know, because it's like everyone's putting everything off until after the new year. Yeah. But yeah, I think so. I mean, yeah. I wanna put everything off to like February.

Yeah. Oh, that sounds good. I was doing really good working out four or five days a week, starting in January. During this? During the pandemic, all the way up to my surge. And then I was on my back for a month. And then ever since then I've been like, it's just so hard when you take that much time off to get back mentally, you know?

Yes, it is. So I think, but the good news is, is once you do it the first day, you then are back mentally, as long as you follow it up like the next day or whatever. So, and then you're just like in it again. So there's hope for us all. Everyone out there listening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing. I just can't wait to like be able to do everything. I know. For me, I went to the gym. There's a gym very close to my house. And then in the absence of that, for a while I was doing walks around the neighborhood. Yeah, I did that a lot.

Or walks around the reservoir. And then it was just like, I got tired of seeing this same shit every day. And wearing the mask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was doing like power walks. And that was my workout with like weights in my hands. But like it got.

Pumping it a little longer. I really did. I was like, I don't care how dumb I look. Like I just doing something. Well, it's a 10 out of 10. And then I just was like, this isn't even enough. Like this doesn't really. And besides we're not seeing anyone for another three months.

Like let's all work out starting in January because come March or April, whenever we all get the vaccine, we can see each other again. We're gonna be fucking ripped a lot of people I know I seem to be getting it now. I'm not a lot, but I feel like I'm I know I'm hearing of my sister is like okay. See there's everyone has somebody like she's a nurse no, and they're all health No, but it feels like it's happening quickly like right oh my friend's mom is a doctor

She got it and my friend's mom is a doctor. She got it. And my friend's wife is a hospice care worker. But I went to the doctor yesterday, and I was all ready for this because there's no information about when any of the regular people get it. Like no one's ever said, there's just vague things of like, oh, down the road. So I was all set to say, like, all right,

so when are we getting this vaccine? And he cut me off at the knees even before then saying, like, yeah, this looks good, this looks good. And obviously, you know, you're not getting the vaccine and for a long time. So I was just like, fuck. A long time. Yeah.

I'm thinking summer. Do you think, I heard Dr. Strange got it. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? He wouldn't give it to Wong. But he's a medical doctor. That's true. And Dr. Druid? Dr. Strange got it. Yeah, isn't that crazy? He wouldn't give it to Wong. But he's a medical doctor. That's true. And Dr. Druid?

Dr. Druid! Didn't Dr. Druid get it? Paging Dr. Druid! Who's Dr. Druid? He was one of the Avengers as well, but his name was Druid, even though he wore like a cloak and had all the Druid accoutrements.

Shit, yeah. His last name happened to be Druid. Just like Dr. Strange, his last name is Strange. True, and he's a weird guy. He was a really, I mean, he wasn't that weird until he had his accident. How funny is that Dr. Doom's name is Victor Von Doom? Von Doom.

But you know what was even worse was when they did the reboot in the ultimate universe, they tried to fix it and called him Dr. Victor Von Dam, which is even worse because of... John Kovah. John Kovah, Dan. John Kovah, Dan. Lauren, you have nothing to say about these comic characters.

What do you think we're talking about? I think it has to be Marvel. Have you ever read a comic book? Yeah. Which one? I've read some graphic novels, I would say. Why don't you add a pristine copy of Action Comics number one? I read this one, guys, I would say. What if she had a pristine copy of Action Comics number one?

I read this one, and the guy said, I left the car over his head. By the way, our friend Alan Yang was on Millionaire, and that was the question. And he was like only 80% sure, and I wrote to him saying, obviously I was 100% sure. Mike was in a movie about that comic book

that never got released. Really? It was called Action Number One. And it was about these guys like stealing this comic. Oh, didn't Nicholas Cage have it for a while? Yeah, Nicholas Cage was part of the, he wasn't in the movie. He was in the movie, but they were trying to rip him off.

Yeah, there's a bee coming up. Hey, hey, get out of here. Hey, bee. Hey. Hey, Queen Bee get out of here. Hey, bee. Hey. Hey, Queen Bee. Yeah, it's gone. You're lying. I'm not lying. But anyway, so do I ask me again if I was lying when I said I wasn't lying? Are you lying? Nope. Okay.

But anyway, yeah, I've read some comics, but I've read some... Oh, you know what was fun? I might've mentioned this before, but I took my nephew to a comic book store when he was visiting LA, and he randomly picked out a comic book that was written by Scott. Oh, oh, that's right.

I think you told me that, didn't you? Yeah, that was like a couple years ago. Oh yeah, and I said, hey, if you want, I could give him a signed copy, and you said, I don't think he'd be into that. He honestly, he was like four or five. Right, right, I didn't know, when you said your nephew, I thought it was like a 12 year old or whatever. Yeah, he don't think he'd be into that. Honestly, he was like four or five. Right, right. I didn't know.

When you said your nephew, I thought it was like a 12 year old. He didn't understand that anything was happening. Yeah, that's cool. Well, I ate the comic book. But now he might want it. That was the Spider-Man Deadpool? Was that what it was? Yeah.

Because it had a picture of both of them and they're cool. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, Deadpool, he's very irreverent. He's a little too irreverent for me. My issue is essentially him renouncing his ways and going to church and atoning for his sins. That's what I like to hear.

I told you about my mom when she saw the movie Flight. What's Flight? Flight was a Denzel Washington movie where he's an alcoholic pilot. I'm drunk right now. And he's an alcoholic and but a great pilot, a great plane pilot. And he like saves everyone on board in a crazy fucking,

but they find out he was drunk during it. And so he goes to trial and all this. You gotta let him off the hook for that one. And the very, and he just keeps on backsliding. And when he's supposed to go to court, they lock him in a room without any alcohol and he figures out how to get into the adjoining hotel room

and there's like a whole refrigerator full of alcohol and cut to the next day every bottle. He drank every bottle and he's drunk. Anyway, so at the very end he goes to prison and he like gets his shit together and he becomes like a Bible, like a Bible minister. A Bible man. A Bible man in prison.

So I thought my parents would like it. Is that true story? I don't even know. Here's the thing. People should not be making movies about the past unless they're true stories. Because I'm- It takes place in the past? Because I'm always fooled into thinking, oh, this must be a true story.

Like the Queen's Gambit. Okay? Right, yeah. If I thought it was a true story, I'm interested. Same thing with what's her name? That's a show? Prentice. What was it? A novel based on Sapphire.

The apprentice. Push. Push, but what is her name in it? Precious. Precious. Precious. Precious. Precious.

Precious. Precious. Precious. Precious. Precious. Precious. Precious. Go the whole movie thinking it's a true story because how can this many bad things happen to a fake person? Why would you make up so many horrible things that happen to someone? And then you find it and you're like crying during precious because it's like this poor Person that they based the thing on and then you find out it's all fake It's like it's just a writer playing God movie like I I feel like I've told this But I went to see that with my sister-in-law

and we like first were getting to know each other and we went to see Precious by ourselves. And that movie was like- Did you do the popcorn trick? That's so sick because I was gonna say the part with Monique like... Oh yeah. So fucking gross.

And so it's a weird movie to like get to know someone. Yeah, because you're sitting there watching Monique make her daughter hang around. Yeah, it's like a Monique and Mariah Carey movie. You think it's going to be fun? Oh, I forgot Mariah Carey. I never saw it. Yeah. Because people told me about it and I was like, why am I going to see that movie? You should watch it tonight.

So anyway, so Flight, I asked my parents I go hey, did you like flight thinking? Thinking it would be up there alley and my mom's like oh that movie was terrible I'm like why and she goes he just kept Doing all these terrible things I go but at the end he like finds God and Puts his life together. She goes he couldn't do that in minute five She wanted to be a TikTok where he drank and then that holds a Bible. It's a pretty funny TikTok.

But I guess when you watch something and people are just making bad decisions, that is one thing about like watching the flight attendant. Like just watching someone make the worst decisions is very frustrating as a viewer Yes, so I can understand when uncut gems and people were like that movie made me so anxious. I'm like Fake What's your perfect life that this movie made you anxious? We all know it's Adam Sandler.

It's like, it's a movie. He's right there up on the screen. Like, I don't know, there was something about everyone saying that like they couldn't handle it. Yeah. And I was like, what are you talking about? I watched it. I thought it was, yeah, it's a tense, you know.

Yeah, but it's a movie. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, at any point you can look slightly to the left or the right and see there's a wall next to you Movie going Your phone no happy and sad I'm fine Everyone acting like they couldn't get through on Cut Jumps because it was like so... Where did you watch it? Did you watch it at home?

I watched it at home. Yeah, well there you go. You think that it would have been a big screen? On a big screen when you can't be on your phone and... Oh my god, these giants! They're going through so many trials and tribulations! He's trying to, or cut off it. Around the chest.

Exit sign. I just like that movie a lot. But I didn't leave going leave my couch. I didn't leave my couch going. I couldn't calm down the whole time. Here's pandemic tips. Anytime you're done watching anything, leave your couch. Yeah.

It makes you feel like you went somewhere. Exactly. You know? Like go take a walk around the block. Every time you do anything, leave. Yes. Any task enter any time you enter a room say hi, I'm back All right, we have to take a break we'll be right back And we're back and we're better than ever and it's time for a 3-Tur and that's better than ever This was submitted to us by

Angela Viva quah Angela Viva quah, I hope I number one live live water live water The angel of live water the angel Live Water, a hallmark original. I don't want to be an angel anymore. It's too stressful. I'm moving back to my hometown. I'm going to drink some Live Water.

I'm moving back to my hometown. Of Live Water. No angel has ever drunk this Live Water and become a human being. It's like Splash, essentially. It's like Splash, essentially. This is Job Interview, and Angela... I've been looking at Lauren. We both have sunglasses on.

And then I realized she's not looking at me, but her head is angled to the point where it looks like she's looking at me. So then I was just staring at her. You fucking weirdo. I never said otherwise. I'm a weirdo and a perv. You're a perv, you need to stop looking at me.

I'm a weirdo, I'm a perv. You're a perv, you're a perv in this dub, look at me. I'm a perv, I'm a perv, I like to look up people. I'm a people watcher, it's gross. This is called job interview. Okay. One player is the boss interviewing the other two players who are rivals for a job opening. The boss makes up the job and the qualifications and the interviewees rather improvise answers to the questions. Okay.

And I don't know who wins. The listener obviously. interviewees rather, improvise answers to the questions. Okay. And I don't know who wins. The listener obviously. Well, the boss decides who gets the job. Okay, great. So you're the boss, Lauren. Me? Okay.

And Paul and I are the applicants. The rivals. Yes. So I'll kind of get you into my office and then we'll discuss what the job is. Okay. Are you here for the job interview? I'm, yeah. Oh, you too, yeah.

I guess they must be doing this one after the other. I hope they're not doing this at the exact same time. That would be so weird. Anyway, good luck, man. Good luck to you too. Yeah. Chode and Bode. I'm chode.

I, hey, Bode. Come on in. Which one? Both of you, so. At the same time? Yes. So what's up, what's good I have it right now is that I'm going to aim to be both of you

because I don't have much time. I actually have a very tight schedule because I have to go. So I'm going to- Where are you going? There's none in your business and that's a thing against you. Hey, you're the boss. I thank you.

But I wouldn't have to know where you're going if I get this job. You would not in this instance have to know I'm going because you you're gonna work here right now. Hey, you're the boss. Thank you so much I like this guy. What's your name again? I'm chode I remembered that one Okay, I got a couple questions to start off and showed it for one to at the same time chode Get another ding chode. Are you before I get the job? It's not it's a ding base

Things are negative. Am I getting any pro dings? You're getting dongs and they're working in your favorite But usually I don't tell you about the dong showed wants dong good policy. Okay. Thank you. Thank you dong So showed you're not getting dongs. You're gonna you thank you dong so chode you're not getting dongs you're gonna get dings because you're fucking annoying so I'm gonna ask a couple questions and look I don't like to be talked to like that from a boss you like to get a paycheck every week yeah hey dude I mean I want this job but you're you're doing a bad job here well I mean this is she's seen I

haven't even gotten my first question. Okay, what's your question? The first question is as follows. Okay, so obviously you're both applying to, I'm looking about the resumes here and you're both applying... Resume. Oh God, what are you doing?

What are you saying? It's pronounced resume. What is? Why are you doing that? The word that you said resume. You are, okay. So you're both applying here to be shit scoopers from my toilet.

Yes, that's correct. I don't like to flush, and I like to make shit to be scooped out and put it into a bucket. I read that ad in the paper, it made perfect sense to me. And then you want the bucket to be taken, and this would be a different person,

from you would hand the bucket to another person who would then take it and put it into a plant container where... I thought I was applying for that job. You didn't. Maybe you could hire both of us. You didn't. This boss is saying... Because I would prefer the latter job.

The first question that this follows. Let's say my poop wasn't exactly what you expected. Would you A? Oh, it's multiple choice. This will be easy. Would you A? Oh, it's multiple choice. Phew. This will be easy. Would you A? I guess C on every multiple choice.

Would you A? I don't know about that policy. Yep. Tell your co-worker and kind of talk negatively about my body. Okay. B? It's not your body is what comes out of your body, but go ahead. B, would you just do with it what you're supposed to? Or C,

fill in the blank. C, definitely C. Okay, so what's your answer? I'd fill in the blank. What do you mean? What do you mean? You're the one who said C, fill in the blank. I think you have to fill in the blank. Oh, shit. Chode is not going well. I don't want this job. I want the other job. Really? Okay, why do you want to do the job so bad? I love planters. I love being around them.

I love being outdoors. I love being in nature. I love the smell of poop. And Boad, what do you want so bad? I want to fulfill my potential as someone who can scoop shit out of a toilet. Okay, Charlie, why don't you sit to the side for a second? I'm going to just ask Boad a question. Okay, Charlie, why don't you sit to the side for a second? I'm gonna just ask Bo to question. Okay, sure. Just right over here?

Yeah, a bit further. How far do you want? We're not to the door, but still look at us. Boad. Yes, sir. Ma'am. Ma'am. Boad.

If you... How much do you want to be paid? A, 11 dollars an hour. B, two dollars an hour. B, two dollars an hour, C, fill in the blank. I'd like to say C, fill in the blank. And I'd like to fill in the blank with whatever you think is fair.

I think two dollars is fair. All right. And then hopefully, if you like the job that I do, maybe I can get a raise. Because to be fair, I only shit twice a day, Max. Of course. Okay. You're very normal.

So, and you're not gonna spend an hour scooping it. You're gonna be paid hourly, but it's not gonna be an hour. Oh, so if I don't fill an hour, then I don't get paid the $2. Exactly. I see. Huh, okay. Do you still want me over here?

I don't want you anywhere. You know, yeah. Hey, I'm back. It's chowed, baby. Okay, so apparently chowed went to the vending machine and got all the snacks out. How'd you do that? I just tipped it over and shake, shake, shake.

Shake those snack kays. That's innovative. Shake those snack kays, yeah. I know what I'm doing. And I could do the same with your buckets I also won past bakery one time and I smashed the window with a hammer took all the cakes out If that's the kind of thing you think is good. You got the job. Thank you Whoa, she was looking at me. Whoa. I don't care who she was looking at my sunglasses. I can't even tell my eyes

She's really cool. I don't want to show you my eyes, but you wouldn't have known who I was in the end. Come on, just show us. All right. Oh God! They're like tiny mouths, farting mouths. This is like one time I saw a TV show, I think it was Jenny Jones. She had an afternoon talk show, and she had Sheila E on the show,

and Sheila E was wearing sunglasses, and they were taking questions from the audience, and someone said, could you lower your sunglasses so we could see your eyes? And she demurred many times and then the person would not let it go. And so she finally had to lower her sunglasses and her eyes looked very baggy and tired. And I remember thinking why wouldn't they just let her keep her sunglasses on? She obviously wanted to have the sunglasses on. If somebody does that for a reason. That's because they only ask once.

Take no for an answer. Yeah, take the L. Hey, do you want to get out of here? Hey, wait, what's going on? Bode, you're hired. Chode, you're fired. You know what? I think we're going to start our own business.

We're going to start our own shit supply business. We both shit, and we both like to scoop shit. And we both like planners. Yeah. What do we need you for? Wow, I gave you the idea. You and your weird shit. Well, you don't even know if they're weird.

They do look like M&Ms, but... That's weird. But that's also a familiar object. True, true. It's not like you're shitting out a shape that has never been seen on Earth before. This is a real conundrum. Okay, we'll stay, but we're going to share the job. Okay, so that's $1 per hour each.

How do we make it last to an hour though? Wait, what happens if we don't make it last for an hour? It's five cents, you know, that kind of thing. Flat rate, five cents. So it's up to $1 an hour. Well how many cents are in a dollar? 60, how many seconds are in a minute? 60, so it's a penny a second an hour Well, how many cents or a dollar sixty how many seconds or a minute sixty so it's a penny we go back one All right, so the end Wonderful all right now Scott would you like to be the boss? I'll be the boss

I'll be the boss. I'm a little nervous. I'm very confident. Oh, well, that's nice. This is actually my 15th interview this week. Oh, it's my first ever. Hello. Never had a job. Oh, hello. Hello.

I'm the person who's going to be interviewing you both. My name is Dr. Weird. Blessings to you on this morning. Thank you so much. The traditional greeting of my people. How did you know? I researched you a bit before I came. The weirdos.

What's up, doctor? Remember from the cartoons? Okay. Well, which one of you is lingueca? Me. And which one of you is barf? Wouldn't it be the other person? It's not me.

Oh, so barf didn't make it? How many names do you have on there? 300. What's the next name? Okay, I can just run down them until I get to yours or you can tell me. No, I'd prefer for you to tell me. I'd actually like to hear some of these. I just want to make sure I'm on the list. I'm just run down them until I get to yours or you can tell me. No, I'd prefer for you to tell me. I'd actually like to hear some of these. I just want to make sure I'm on the list.

I'm just glad I got... I was right there at the top. Well, they're done by time. Are you really early? Um, well, is it really early or is it...? What time is your appointment? 2.30. 2.30?

That's four hours away. I just wanted to make sure that I was on time. Okay, 2.30. You must be Abazalvman. Yep. Oh 2.30, you must be Abazalvman. Yep. Oh, okay, great. I'm Abazalvman. Abazalvman and Linguica.

Linguica, that's your service. I would... Here's what I'd like to do. I would love to interview you both at the same time. I can wait four hours. Okay. I can too. Okay, cut to four hours later. Well, we're back.

You guys ready? We've steered at each other this entire four hours. I appreciate you waiting for my appointment time. I don't care. I'm going to get this job. You're late already, by the way, Lina. I know. What do you think?

That's my style. All right. Well, come on back here. Well, just to be fair, Lina, Winka was here at his appointment time. That's true, but he didn't want to be interviewed until four hours after his appointment. So that's... No, you wanted to interview us both at the same time, and Absolphma was early. He was hoisted by my own petard.

That's right. Come on back into Dr. Weird's office. What do you say? That's still you, right? That's me, all right. Speaking of the first person or third... Hey, why'd your Hawaii guy deflate? Oh, well, it's a long story. Speaking of the first person or third. Why did your Hawaii guy deflate?

Oh, well, it's a long story, but I took him to Hawaii with me. To revisit his hometown? Yeah, just to show him his mother soil. Common phrase for all you. You want to rub his face in it? Literally. And unfortunately the jagged rocks, you know those yeah those jagged rocks on the beaches. Yeah, they killed him They killed him anyway. This isn't my job interview. This is your job. That candy killed him

Guys Here's the deal I'm interviewing you to be the CEO of this company. Did I get the job? Yes. Wow Now interview both of us. Oh, okay. How many times do you think you could do the job the best way? Once, and only once. Well, you know, what does that mean exactly?

Yeah. Well, there's a right way and a best way to do the job. Guys, the police are here, and I think they're searching for me. Oh, this is awkward. Is there this is not really a job? No, I basically, I needed you to take over the company to be the Patsy because I've been embezzling for the last 40 minutes. You probably should not have told me that part because I'm just going to say it was you.

You've been embezzling for 40 minutes? Yes, I loved it. And you still turned it around. It was so fun. Well, look, I'm gonna leave because I don't want to be a part of this and I didn't get the job and this is all a waste of my time. I've locked all the doors. This is a problem. I just want to see how this plays out.

So I'm gonna stick around. That's the location. Oh, you just locked the door from the inside. Yeah. Hey, Matt L Lauer let us out of here There you go. All right, just unlock it then Guys, I miss you already Our real selves are the characters Good luck in jail. Hey, I don't need luck

See Oh boy, all right, Paul, it's a great game. No, you're the boss. It's not bad. Yeah, we're welcome to the job application. I see you're both here. Oh, what are you imitating me? What a weird way of talking. That's you. I'm very old, you see. How old are you? I'm 70 and I don't have a lot of time left. That holds, God. How do you think you're going to die? Are you sick?

Oh yes, I have a series of ailments that all compound one another. Oh. I wanted to say that I'd like to get this job for many reasons. Now, hold on, your names. I'm seeing a trolley and a bebop. Is that correct? I'm rocksteady, actually, not bebop. I'm trolley bebop.

Oh, that's the confusion. Trolley bebop and rocksteady bebop. Yes, we're brothers and sisters. Brothers and sisters. Okay, now then. This job is very delicate. It is to, you have to, once I die, you have to then kill my wife

so it can be a beautiful story where she died of a broken heart just days after I die. How do you plan on dying? Well now I plan on succumbing to my various illnesses all at the same time. How do you want your wife to die if I... Well I want to make it look like she died of a broken heart. But I do want you to cut her head off. Well with what?

With a butter knife. Oh. That'll take forever. Exactly. Can we finish with a butter knife after using a sharper tool? How about this? Other people, you start with a butter knife, switch over to a bread knife, go back to the butter knife. Could we kill her?

Bread knife on the neck sounds like it would hurt. Could we inject her with something so she's dead and then? That's why you start with a butter knife. Take the butter knife because I feel like her squirming. She's deathly afraid of needles. Oh, okay. But not butter knives?

Well, not so far. What if I killed you and then you were just dead? Well, I mean, I'm going to die anyway, so that's a waste of time. Yeah. Why go to jail for something that's gonna happen anyway? When we can just go to a funeral. Your qualifications, that was part of the game.

What are they? Have you killed anyone before? I've killed four deer with my arms, and I've killed two dogs and four frogs, and I've killed one woman, killed two dogs and four frogs, and I've killed one woman, and I've killed one hog, and I've killed one frog. We'll back down to one frog.

Let me ask you this, when you killed the woman, oh, I'm sorry. One cat, and I've killed one cat and I've killed one bat and I've killed three rats. And let me say, you're killing that hat. It looks great. You look dynamite. I've killed one mat and I've killed one Charles.

You keep going and I'm going to ask him a question. And I've killed one engine. Have you ever killed a woman? I don't have a resume quite like that one. And I've killed one elevator. I think I've probably killed some people with like a cutting glance or a sarcastic quip or something. And I've killed one trainer. And I've killed one other man.

No, I haven't killed anyone per se, but I'd like to. I've always wanted to. And I've killed one bird. I can work with that. Yeah, I've been interested in per se, but I'd like to. I've always wanted to. Okay, I can work with that. Yeah, I've been interested in it, certainly. What is it? Do you feel or fear that you would be afraid to carry out the killing once you started it? I think it's the starting of it, is the part that I've never been able to get over the hump. I think once I start, it's kind of like, well, I gotta finish it now.

How do I know that you'll actually do the killing? I could sign something or promise you or do a hand, maybe we could do a special handshake. Let me think about that handshake and I'll check back in. Okay. With Charlie B. Bop. One dough and I've killed one. Charlie B. Bop, I'm gonna stop you there. What?

When you killed the woman, what method did you use, how did it go? I used a butter knife than a bread knife. Ooh, wait a minute. And it went good. Okay, I gotta say. She killed our mom, by the way. Oh, I forgot your brother's sister.

Yeah. She's in the lead so far. Well, but I think the thing that gives me the slight edge. Hey, hey, would you make fun of our president that way? Which one? Joseph R. Biden. Joseph Robin Deg Biden. Robin Hood Biden.

Joseph Robin Hood Biden. Joseph Robin Deg Biden. Look, I, yeah, she's better at it than me. She tried to kill me once. Is that so, Charlie Beba? But guess what? I escaped. Is that so, Charlie Beba? It's all true.

Everything he ever utters. He can tell no lies, is that correct? And you always lie. And I killed one bald eagle. And I killed one vole. I'm very patriotic. This is a problem. Love it or leave it, right, sir?

And I killed... It is right. I'm liking you more and more. Let me kill your wife, sir. All right, I tell you what. A wrapper in a flag. I'm liking you more and more. Let me kill your wife, sir. All right, I tell you what. A wrapper in a flag. Will you bury her at sea next to a sound bed line?

Of course. Right on top. Oh, that's where America deserves to be. Yes. All right, I've made my decision. Oh, boy. I can't wait for this. Is it me?

Please stand in attention. Hut! Hut. Hut. Hut. I am ready to make my choice. Yes, sir. Kill the music. Hut, yes, sir. Hut. In all my years of being alive, I never thought I'd be dead and not have anything going on afterwards, but now that is the case. Charlie Bebop. What was your name again? Rocksteady Bebop. Rocksteady Bebop.

I've called you both in here because I've made a decision. Yes. I have decided to drink the immortality potion and live forever. No. And so now. But I already killed your wife. You've passed my test.

Yes. You get the keys to my wife factory. So she died first and then what? You died of a broken heart. How many wives do you have in here? Oh, tons. Oh my God. Plays his lousy with him.

The end. The end. We did it. We did it. I'm proud of us. We did it. We did it. We did it. We did it. I'm proud of us. We did it. Yeah.

We did it. We did it. Guys, that's going to do it for this episode of Freedom. But remember, you should listen to other ones. I don't know. What are we supposed to say? What are we supposed to say? We got an Instagram.

Yeah. We got an Instagram, Freedom USA on Instagram and Twitter. And Twitter. And if you want to listen to other episodes and even future ones, head over to Stitcher Premium and you can hear other episodes. Yeah, yeah. But thanks for listening. And listen and subscribe and tell your friends.

Please do that. Yes. We'll be back next week. And until then, goodbye. Bye. And only until then.