Threedom - Threevisiting: Light Bulb's Good

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss ghosts, sleep studies and Threedom cell phones before playing Win, Lose Or Banana. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.com. Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.com Grab some new Threedom merch at www.kinshipgoods.com/cbbwSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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When you hear a good idea, it's natural to do a double take. That's what you might do when you hear Discover will automatically double all the cash back you've earned on your credit card at the end of your first year with cash back match. See terms at discover.com slash credit card. Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! So you're delayed. I'm delayed.

I'm delayed again. I feel like I'm before everyone. Except after C before everyone. Yes, of course. Hello everyone. Welcome to 3Dom. I'm Scott. I'm Paul.

I'm Blorn. Blorn? Blorn. I'm Blorn. I'm Blorn. I'm Blorn. I'm Paul. I'm Lauren Lauren I'm bored Spinach Naga, naga, naga, naga. Here's my papa. Naga spinach. Ryan, we can still see your square with your name in it. Get out of here, Ryan. Get that square out of there.

You have to click hide non-participants. Hide non-part. I have to do that? Yes. What else do I have to do? Welcome to the show where we figure out all of our technical details right at the top. Welcome to the show where we figure out all of our technical details right at the top. Welcome to the show where we learn Zoom one fucking year into the pandemic.

Does anyone else think that this day sucks? This day? Just this day in general? This day in general. I'm actually having a good day. You're having a good day. Yeah, you seem very cheery Lauren when you go on the Zoom. I'm having a good day. Yeah, I had like a nice meeting before this and I'm having a good, yeah, you seemed very cheery Lauren when I'm having a good day. Um, yeah, I'm, I had like a nice meeting before this and I'm having a good day.

I fucked around and hit a triple double. I looked up at the Goodyear blimp and saw it said ice cubes, a pimp. And I was like, this is, you know, it's not bad. I fooled around and fell in love. Whoa. So how is your day going bad then? Uh, because the person doesn't let me back. Do you want to talk about your bad day?

No, I don't. Do you want us to sing bad day while you talk about bad day? It's a first world problems kind of thing. Of course. That's how we had. Here's the thing, but it led to me being extremely tired right now. My day was hijacked by something else that had nothing to do with me. And now I am suffering for it, which always makes me mad.

What, do you have to go move a couch? Yep. For pizza and beer. Yeah, my two friends. You had a six pack of beer right before the show. Yeah, I had an entire pizza, six pack of beer and now I'm tired. I understand.

God, how old were you the last time a friend made you help them move? Wow. It doesn't happen to girls as much, I would venture to guess. But I have made a lot of guy friends help me move many times over the years. But it's been, I haven't made someone do that

in probably four years. Someone said to me- No, no, more than that, the years. But it's been, I haven't made someone do that in probably four years. Someone said to me- No, no, more than that. Five years. If you're in your thirties, you should just hire movers. Yeah, I think when I turned 30, that's the first time I hired movers. I mean, that's when you get to- You told that to me. You get to a point where you realize it's worth spending the money because it's not, look, probably unless you're not moving a mansion to a mansion. Like if you're just moving apartments, it's, it's not, it is more money than

you would like to spend, but it's not a prohibitive amount of money necessarily. Can I say when I lived in New York, I had, um, I moved three times in 15 months. I had pizza, but I moved, I moved a lot of times for various reasons, but at one point I was moving from one apartment to another that was just around the corner. I don't know if I ever mentioned this. Oh, okay.

But Sean Distant was the one who helped me. Did I mention that? Yes. Oh, well, that's what we talked about this spanking pen, spanking pen. But anyway, I just want to give Sean a shout out for helping me move a mattress to Sean. A shout out for helping me move a Shaman

A Sean out shout out to Chad Yeah, Chad Chad cannibalistic humanoid adult, dude That's from another podcast. I'm Sean Dixon was on Yeah, I think I think it's I don't know what I was gonna say, but moving, but no, when you're in your 20s and you're in an apartment and you're living check to check, yes, of course, let's all help each other. Yes, it's been a while for me.

I feel like I don't think I was asked as much as I asked other people. Oh yeah. I moved a lot when I was younger. I feel like the last time was when I was working at, gosh, Cafe Cordial. Jesus fucking. The bartender wanted me to help him move.

And I assumed there would be 10 people or whatever. Like he'd gather all of his buddies. It was just me and him. And I was so fucking pissed. I didn't even know him that well. And I was so mad. I remember he got tafft hardly by being an extra on Melrose Place. But, uh...

You should explain what that means. No. Taft Hartley is what you get... It means he's thrown into a prison. For being an extra on Melrose. The Taft Hartley agency comes and they get you. Taft Hartley is what happens where you get a job and then you are allowed to join SAG, the union for actors.

Taft Hartley is what happens... Just shoot me. Taft Hartley is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Yeah, I was Taff Tartley when I got my Bing commercial. Your Bean commercial? Bean.com. Oh, how did that go?

Are people using Bing? Or were you unsuccessful at being in a commercial? My commercial was successful, but I don't know if Bing, I think Bing is still a thing. Bing's still a thing, I think. What was the thing you know about? Blueberry pancakes! Animal House. Animal House, that's right. My commercial was successful, but I don't know if Bing, I think Bing is still a thing. Bing's still a thing, I think. What was the thing you know about? Blueberry pancakes!

Animal House. Animal House, that's right. And then there was a food fight. I don't remember. You gotta look it up, Scott. It's a great commercial. I forget when I got, I got Teff Hartleid for doing appearances on a show

called the Stephanie Miller Show. Oh, I remember that show. She had a talk show, a late night Show. Oh, I remember that. What is that? She had a talk show. Yeah, she had a late night show. She was a radio person who had a late night TV show, then went back to radio. I feel like it was syndicated, right? It was. Yeah, right. It was. But I appeared as a sketch player

a number of times on that show. That's right. Did you know her before, or was that like an audition thing? No, I did not. A woman that I was dating was one of the writers and she suggested me Do you I think you don't know her anymore because she's no longer alive Oh Put her name in the chat to see if it's Mirror and see if she comes back.

Just because one of your ex-girlfriends, Paul Look, let's segue into talking about Paul's ex-girlfriends, because I'm tired of talking about mine. Is this the Paul's ex-girlfriend segment? Yeah, definitely. That's not her name. That is her. That was her name. Was it like a drag name?

No. Yes, my girlfriend was a drag queen. And I never found out until we broke up. I wish we could say the name. She ripped off her wig. Paul, I did not know that she was no longer with us. She passed away a few years ago, yeah. Oh, I didn't keep up with her. I just remember she drove us to a party, me and my sister once, and she

was driving 80 miles an hour down residential streets. And I was like, if you don't slow down, you are letting me out right here. I was so upset. She was a particular person. We did not have a great relationship. It lasted for one year. And I've, the way I touched on this actually in a previous episode, we were talking about- Previously on Three. Previously on Three. We were talking about people dying and the feelings that you have and how strange it is

when someone from your life in some capacity passes away and you realize you don't have a strong feeling about it and how that feels so weird and monstrous. But it's but that does happen sometimes in your life depending on the people that are in your life. But that's interesting. She yeah she anyone dies. I feel bad about it. Even people I don't know anyone dies. I feel good about it all day. I'm crying because I know somebody died. Every minute. Is that what Adidas stands for? Yeah.

All day I dream about somebody dying. Adidas. But yeah, it was she. So we had been broken up for a long time. And then someone. But your talent superseded that. No, no. Are we still talking about the Stephanie Miller

That's why I thought you were talking about she got you that part she got me though She suggested me and I was approved the the producer at the time was a Legendary comedy writer who had worked on the original SNL and I remember the first thing that I was supposed to do was a Richard Nixon impression. And they put me in full Nixon makeup and everything. Well, there was some story that had just come out about him that had been released or whatever.

And so the sketch was very dark, suggesting that Richard Nixon was actually going to assassinate JFK, but then Lee Harvey Oswald beat him to it. And so it's me and Nixon in a... Actually, I want to say something. I started listening to last podcast on the left episodes about the JFK conspiracy. Oh, okay. What do you think?

Are you convinced? Well, what's crazy is that there's like six episodes and the first two don't even get into it. So I honestly have no opinions yet. Okay. Let us know. Yeah, let us know if you become a JFK weirdo conspiracy nut. Yeah, but it was funny because Mike was like, Oh, let's listen to that.

Let's listen to last podcast on the Loft. And I was like, okay, he's like, do you want to listen to JFK episodes? And I was like, sure. Did you hear me talking about that? And he was like, no. And I was like, I just said, I don't know anything about that. So it was just a weird. So already the conspiracy seems to be afoot.

But anyway, what? So anyway, what? Is that the title of this episode? So when I was brought up to perhaps play this role, this Richard Dixon part, this producer called me on the phone and made me do the impression for her over the phone.

And it was horrible. It was really horrible. It was like I did not expect that to happen. And I did the impression and she's her immediate review was that's a pretty good homemade Nixon impression. But my work like it's not as good. We're looking for more of a Danny Aykroyd Nixon impression, something really good. And so I said, I'll work on it, I'll work on it. And I was so incensed. So I was like, who can't do a Nixon impression?

And then when I finally saw the sketch after it was done, I realized, I can't. I did not do a good Nixon impression. Sock it to be. And yes, so that so that was that experience. But that was the experience where I got to have a life mask. I had to because they put prosthetics on me. And so they poured the goop all over my face.

And I was in isolation for a couple hours. Isolation. And I really enjoyed it. But did you like how it felt when you had it on? I did. I really did. It seems cool. I've never done that. It blacked out everything around you

and you could just be alone with your thoughts. Yes, it was a sensory deprivation thing. Oh no, but I mean, when it was done, did you like having the face on? Face? No, I did not. Because it was still, that stuff was still, I mean, it's come such a long way, but it was like kind of like, you can't,

you can't move your mouth that much. You know, you can't like, you know, you had to be very careful and they had to do constant touch-ups around any moving part of your face. But it was- But you liked it when it was poured all over you. I liked the experience of having to stay still. I'm just saying. You like it when goop is thrown on your face.

Or squirted or shot on your face. You agreed to do the show with us. This is what you signed up for and you said, is it going to be gross and bad? And we said, yes. And you said, OK. Life force training. He wishes he was in the sensory deprivation tank right now. I feel like when Ultraman has that light blinking on his chest, it's like, yeah, you got to

go recharge. Have you ever done one of those sensory deprivation tanks where you're like floating in the, That's that light blinking on his chest. It's like, hey, you gotta go recharge. Have you ever done one of those sensory deprivation tanks where you're like floating in the water? No, I'd like to do it though. It seems kind of scary to me. Do they have them around town? Yeah.

They're all over the place. Could we record an episode in there? They're like out on the street. It's like a quarter. You just get in, the water's really nasty though. Oh, they never change it. I would go do that with all of you. Same tank!

Same tank! We're tank bros. I don't know if we could have sensory deprivation of us floating in there. Do you have a big one? Do you have a big tank? We'd like to do it together. We'd like to bob and weave into each other. Bob and weave!

We'd be like those otters where they hold hands. You don't have to hold your breath when you do't have to hold your breath. No, you do. It's very minimal amount of water, I think. You're floating in it and then there's like an egg capsule over the top. Oh, okay. So you're floating. Do they give you something to float on or are you expected? It's salts water.

I think so you naturally float. Oh, interesting. You mean like you have a raft in there? Yeah. Or just a bench? It's the size of a coffin. It's very small. It's the size of your body.

It's the size of a coffin, but not as nice. I hope it's not the exact size of my body because I'll never fit. It should be a little bigger. It's exactly the size of Scott's body. They measured you and I don't know if you knew about that. Is that why they came over here? Oh, okay, so you did. It's like an Iron Maiden and there's spikes in it.

So this friend who I'm working with, she has a history of night terrors and she's doing a sleep study this weekend and I'm very fascinated about this. She's getting hooked up to all these wires and she's gonna have to stay. She should let you watch. I really wish I could, I'm kind of obsessed with this.

And then she, but she was like, I haven't been having them lately. So I'm worried that nothing will be happening when I'm there. And the doctors will say, you're crazy. Yeah. You liar. She said sometimes if she drinks,

if she drinks before she goes to bed, she's more likely to have it. So she's gonna have some wine there. Oh, nice. Before she goes to sleep. That's the part I wanna it. So she's gonna have some wine there. Oh, nice. Before she goes to sleep. That's the part I wanna go to. You wanna drink with her in bed? Yeah.

In bed. I have to do a sleep, I'm gonna do a sleep study. You are? Yes, yes, yes. We have a very interested in this, so what are you doing? Oh no, I'm gonna do a sleep study in the neighborhood kids.

This doesn't sound good. No, they can't, they want some ass coming to do it! Study ass! Please study ass! We sleep weird! I may have a sleep apnea because I have breathing issues in the night. In the night! Breathing issues in the night! Sexy!

Wow. So you're going to find out if you need to have a machine. Yeah. I got to see if I need a micro machine. And I think it's like you swallow it and then it makes you breathe better. And you talk really fast. Yeah. So I have to go. I mean, there were two options. There's one that I could do at home, which is like they put a house arrest bracelet on you or something. And then, but it won't necessarily, it, it, it's not guaranteed to find an apnea if you have one. Yeah. Cause it feels like they really need to see you breathe. The in clinic one, you definitely watch you the whole time and make notes or

they videotape it at least or something. I think they just, I don't know if anyone's like watching me for eight hours overnight. I always assume that there was someone sitting there in a window watching you. I'm not kidding. I really thought it was like a study, you know? Right, like they sit there.

If you ever scratch your butt, they go, ha ha. I like that little Alan Partridge reference. I assume that they just record it and then watch it later. That sounds boring. Why not do it in real time? What, so they can fast forward parts? I assume that they just record it and then watch it later. Rather than having some weirdos. Why not do it in real time? What, so they can fast forward parts? Yeah, exactly. Why not do it with Bill Maher?

Yeah, they're just fast forwarding like boring, boring, boring. Oh, he's choking. Oh, wait, he's dead? I don't know. I guess I'll find out. Maybe they lie to you. They're like, we'll be here the whole time. And then they go home. Well, I mean, I think one thing that was weird to think, well, no, but maybe down a night shift, but it's weird to think like,

it sounds coming down. Yeah. If you were getting the study done, I think I might feel like it'd be harder to fall asleep thinking that there's, you know, three men watching me through a window. Three men. Well, I'm used to the little lady. I'm used to that. My house is haunted. Yeah. But from the outside? I want to see if the man that sits at the edge of my bed

will be there for the sleep study. Oh my God. I don't want anything to do with anything like that. No, no, no. My friend told me about it. It's good to declare that. My friend is big about it. I have said, you can go now and I'll just sage and say,

and your job here is done. In your current house? Mm-hmm. Wow, did you have an incident or you just, this was a precautionary thing? No, it was like, you know, I just have heard of people doing this and I was like, I'm gonna just do that.

I think that would just feel good just to go, hey, if anybody is here, you don't need to be. And before I even could get scared, I just, you know. My friends told me, my friends told me about a story. We told, told some ghost stories recently. And there was one story about, uh, some people who bought a house with their, their family was a husband, a wife and their kids. And then they were there one day.

Wait, the kids bought kicked in as well? Kicked kids kicked in. Yeah. It was only like 5%. You know, I don't have a lot, but you can have it. And they were like, well, candy work. So, so they were there one day and the kids, uh, they, they said, Hey, so what have you been doing? They've been like, Oh, talking to someone. And it was this ghost. And then they saw the ghost and they literally put the house on the market one day after they moved in.

Wow. Oh, my God. It was worse than that. I mean, there were even worse things that happened to them. But that but yeah, they and then they sold it to like a gay couple who were like, oh, we don't care. I mean, I think some people And then they sold it to like a gay couple who were like, oh, we don't care. We don't care. I think some people are, the idea of a child saying,

I was just talking to someone, that's too much. They check, oh, that was part of it. They checked with the previous owner and they're like, that's the person who died. Yeah, that's the person who died in the house. No, no, no, no, no. Did I not tell you that? No, no, no, no, no. But then people saying ghosts aren't really, I have a hard time with that because I'm like,

if there's enough stories of someone who has no idea, having an experience and then being like, this is the name or this is what was said, and then there's a factual thing connected to that, that's, you can't really argue with that. I can. Okay, go ahead. I think that you're going into a new place. The idea of ghosts is a thing that we all know. And I think you do wonder about those things when you enter a new space.

I never heard of him until like two months ago. Ghosts? Yeah. What do you think now? Scary. Yeah. They say boo and shit. I'm not afraid of any ghosts. Oh, really? Out of the entirety of ghosts, you're not afraid of a single one?

Not a single one. Franny! Look at that! I thought that was a ghost. There's a dog on the zoom. Furry ghosts. Dog. Time out, dog on the zoom.

How old is Franny, your dog? She is six, I think. What's her favorite toy to play with? I got, yeah, she's six. Her favorite toy, she doesn't like toys. Doesn't like toys. She doesn't like toys. Molly doesn't either. Molly doesn't either, other than bones occasionally.

What she do for fun? She doesn't like bones really. She sleeps. She loves to just be by me and watch TV and doesn't like to go for walks. Can she see the TV, do you know? Why did you get Mike? She reacts to doorbells on the TV, so I do feel like she has some sort of connection

to the television. But can she see in mirrors? Yeah, she seems to recognize herself, and she notices when her hair needs to be brushed. Have we talked about it? I feel like we've talked about it. No, I don't think we've talked about this. No, some dogs can't see in mirrors.

Yeah, it's just like, it looks like a wall. No. What? No, that's just like it looks like a wall No I thought let's have there was a factual thing of like dogs to see their reflection No, I've heard net again. I'm talking out of my ass, but this is what I heard This is from your ghost friends But from what I've heard some dogs are able to see their reflection in the mirror and they wonder what it is. And then some just see it as a blank wall or whatever. Well, I mean, she stares at herself, but I don't know that I guess I haven't asked what

she's thinking. So vain. She needs a haircut. Well, this is, I already told you about this. All right, I'll give it to her. Geez. Oh my God. No, I told you I tried to make an appointment. They were like, we don't have anything till May. And I was like, I'll call somewhere else. Then now May's come and gone. And I'm like, she's got the longest nails and her hair is so long. Why don't you go to, okay, there's a place by the comic store I go to called You Wash Doggy,

which is really funny. It's like, you have to do that? Am I supposed to do it myself? Yeah, you wash doggy. Like a car wash? It's a self- I have no idea. I've never inquired. Self-grooming dog place? It's just, it? Yeah, you wash doggy. Like a car wash? It's a self- I have no idea.

I've never inquired. Self-grooming dog place? It's just, it's you-wash-doggy. And I've always wondered. No deal. No deal. But why don't you go over by UCB? They always seem to have those.

Oh yeah. Tail washers. Tail washers. That's where we go. I'll call them. They're great. I'll call them. Okay. Well, and we are sponsored by tailwashers, by the way, we should say,

when we really engineered this conversation backwards. Thanks for all the koozies. Thanks for all of our toys. We do have a sponsor coming up that I'm excited about, but we don't get into it yet. Yeah, let's not get into it yet. I mean, obviously we want to talk at length about it. Let's get into it right now.

Lauren, do you have, do you have, look, we had a very popular segment a few weeks back and it's one of the most popular segments that we've ever done and it's called Lauren's topics. And I think we should. Okay. So the sleep study, honestly, with your time for Lauren's topics, the sleep study was kind of one of them. Um, let's see what else I got. That mainly. Yeah, see what else I got. Paul told you. Talked about that mainly. Yeah, but I brought it up.

I didn't know it was gonna build up. That is Lawrence Topics. And that was Lawrence Topics. Okay, here's a topic, here's a topic. The gnome is thriving. The gnome is in a- You keep telling us that. The gnome's in the garden and everyone loves it.

And honestly, you know what's really great? When I posted it on Instagram, or when Scott did, sorry, the comments were all so supportive and laughing because they finally could see how funny he was when he was put into the greenery. You know what? It's like he really came to life. And then someone sent me-

That's just a head. Someone sent me a website, he really came to life as a disembodied man. Dude, he rocks. And when I, when I, when I placed him, I thought, yes. And I, um, someone, someone messaged me with a gnome recommendation for this website, which I sent to you guys, called Gnomes of Color. And they're really cute. I recommend people check them out.

And they're only $10, which I love too, because my gnome was $10. I feel like that's a really solid gnome price. It's a great gnome price. Because you know, you could start spending $60 on a gnome, and then you're like, what are we doing here? I want a $10 gnome. They're really adorable.

And they're funny little disco outfits. Can I request, speaking of the text chain that we're on, can you stop having texts when I'm either sleeping or busy? Why? Sometimes you'll respond for like time, I'm like, what the fuck is he possibly doing? Well, I work during the day and I sleep during the night. So sometimes it's hard to get around that. That's interesting. So either of those. But

now you go to bed as soon as it is considered night. Is that correct? Yes. As soon as the sun goes down. So like right now it's like 7.45. I'm so tired at 8.15 during the summer. Now every time we do that, and it's just Lauren and I going back and forth on a three person text, I, my first instinct is to make fun of Scott for not responding. My second instinct is, oh no, something horrible has happened and that's why he's not returning to it. I'm sorry, nothing horrible has happened. I have not been thinking that...

I'm usually asleep. I feel like lately my instinct hasn't been that you guys are dead when you don't respond. Yeah, lately it's been good. It's good. Well, I will say the other day, for some reason, I was up at 11 45 PM and I responded to one. And I was like, this is earth shattering. They're never going to believe it.

And Paul, I think was asleep or playing video games. I don't know. But it was crazy. He was working. The two things I do. I thought you guys would react with like, oh my God, Scott's up. He's finally responding.

But see, no, I's what you don't know. We don't really care or notice that you aren't there. Like it's sort of like, and then. It's like a garnish when you're there. If you want to drop me from the chain, that's fine. No, no, no, no, no. Here's what I mean. Like I'm not thinking about what time it is

or what your schedule is, but I might go, oh, he hasn't replied in a long time, but I wouldn't think, oh, it's because he goes to bed at eight. I merely bring it up because the gnomes of color, for some reason, I missed it entirely. And then when it's eight hours later, it feels disingenuous to be like, ha ha, or whatever. Yeah, no one really needs you to respond at that point.

But I'm probably going to order a couple of them. I'll catch up with some tap backs. I don't care how much time has passed. I'll be like, I'm letting you know, I've read this whole thing. Here's my responses. Yeah. I try to use all of them.

It's kind of funny. Thumbs up, thumbs down, question mark. Tap backs are kind of like a problem in a group chain because you'll just go through and tap back stuff. I remember like, oh, Paul liked, cause you know, it disappears. Like I'd have to try to guess what you liked at a certain point.

Cause if you like 10 things. Yeah, you gotta go way up. But by that time there's already hundreds and hundreds of texts. It shouldn't be a notification. Yeah. No, but it should say, it should say which one you liked. Guys, let's invent our own phones.

Oh, now we're talking. Free phones. What would be on them? Would all the numbers be on them? All the numbers from one? Zero to nine Ten but okay already an improvement you have to press the 10 twice for zero Or for 20 sure

This is already great. Well, you know what I kind of want is that flip phone from like Samsung that's like folds in half. The one that folds in half, those are ours will fold in thirds. Like a billfold. Really? Yeah. Ours you fold it up like a piece of paper. Yeah, and throw it at people and then it bounces back to you.

Like a boomerang. Just kidding. Wait, so is this a flip smartphone, Lauren? Yeah, it's like a, it's a flat like screen, like a smartphone screen and you can fold it in half. But then I'm like, then I gotta be a Samsung kid and learn all about that. Also it takes up more space, doesn't it? No, it's like a square when you fold it in half.

It's really cool. But it's, I want iPhones just to do that. So I can just get that. Would our phones have all the apps on them? Four. Just four? You can only get four. Okay, so we each get one and then we'll vote on the fourth.

So which one do you want, Paul? Oh, wait, we decide what apps other people who buy our phones have? Yeah. This is the apps that it comes with. Should we say you can add a fourth app? You can add a fourth, but we each pick one app. Yeah, that's a choose your own adventure, yeah.

But if you add, no matter what app you add, it stays there permanently. So you have to choose wisely. Yes, even if it has in-app purchases. Which app would you pick? Maybe I'll pick Redfin. Redfin? Yeah.

That sucks. Hey, it comes with a Freedom Phone. Okay. Redfin. I think my pick is going to be Postmates. Postmates? Not bad. Not a bad app.

Okay. Yeah. So when you buy your house on Redfin, then you get food delivered to it. Makes sense. Yeah. I think I waste too much money on Postmates though. Okay. Yeah, you do.

Move on. You don't have to like sit there with that. My app would be... By the way, on that topic, can people send simple recipes to Lauren? She would like some simple recipes. Do not send me simple recipes. Simple recipes because she'd like to start... Send complex recipes to Lauren.

She'd like to start cooking for her in the neighborhood. That is true. I would like to cook more. I just don't really want to actually do it. Yes. I wish I was already doing it, not that I will do it. Well, when your baby starts, when do they have like real food daily?

I thought you were gonna say when do they hatch? When they're not. Like two or? Well, like six months, they can start eating solids, I believe. Right, but you know what I mean? Like baby food. Like dinner, like when do they start having

the same dinner as you? Yeah, I don't know, I guess that'd be closer to. The same dinner as you. You know, just a smaller portion. We're eating the same food. Well that's about it. Finally, we got there. I'll really start paying attention

because I'll just be like, okay, I can't just keep giving her macaroni all the fucking time because that's what I'm eating. My mom, I think was, uh, she married my dad and did you have to go back that far? Wait, hold on earth was created in the big day. Um, we're still waiting to hear what app Paul wants, but yes, but, but my mom married my dad and she had no idea how to be a housewife. And her grandmother or aunt or someone gave her

the Betty Crocker cookbook. And she just was like in over her head and looked through it and looked at certain recipes that she's like, I think I could maybe do that. I don't know. Well, I think you have told us this, I'm gonna spank you, but I think that you- I'm going to thank you too. She learned like four things. Then she made those over and over again. She made those over and over and over.

Yeah. One was a wedding cake. One was a Darth Vader cake. Baked Alaska. She did do a Darth Vader cake. I know. In the pan. You think she brought that up out of nowhere? Yes.

Because it's awesome. It's her bell cake. It is awesome. This is the second cake I always think of. My app would be Etsy. Okay. Good. And then they can pick one app for themselves.

But as they are partners in the Freedom Phone. They can pick one app, but it's one of three options, which we'll give you right now. That's right. That's right. And then that stays there permanently. You can't switch it out for anything else ever. So my offering for the selection is going to be,

let me see what my like worst apps are on my phone. I'm gonna go with Compass. My God, Compass? Okay, I'm gonna go with Stocks. Good coming in. Stocks. I'm gonna go with iTunes U. University.

Yeah. OK, great. I mean, this won't be an Apple product. Hopefully they'll be in college. Wonderful. So let's get these on the market. We have. Yeah.

Josh. Head numbers. It folds in three into threes. Can we get these in Podswag? Yeah, we can get a jibbit. By next week? Yes. Yeah, if we can get a crock, a shoe charm, excuse me.

Excuse me, shoe charm. There are some other shoe charm ideas that are on the docket. Ding dong, of course. Ding dong, who is it? My girl's best friend had paid me a visit. What? Fly as can be, tight dress at all. visit? What fly as can be tight dressed at all?

Hello, thanks. We've already talked about things that make you feel on this show. Not aware of all the girls best friend had paid me a visit. Flies can be tight dressed at all. She knew that I was so that she really didn't have to. DVDs DVDs. No, no, no. my girlfriend wouldn't approve. My girl boss in, caught us creating a boom.

She said, girlfriend, thanks for making you. Can I ask you, Lauren, do you remember the Between Two Ferns audition when you did the rap song? No. You don't remember? Vaguely, that I improvised a rap? Yeah, this is the first time Zach had ever seen you.

Which is not true. Well, but you know what I mean, like. I know, but we were in, we, yes, yes. Yeah, he wasn't incredibly familiar with you, so I was like, look, I want this person for the part. I really think she'd be great. And he was like, no, no, no, no, no. And so you came in and you did a rap about Trump, I think,

and then laughed all the way through it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And he was sold. He was like, yeah, that's great. Like you couldn't get three lines in without just bursting out laughing. Well, yeah, that makes sense. I can't believe Lauren had to audition. That wasn't all I did.

Yeah, I auditioned twice. I can't believe that you had to audition twice when I was offered a one-line role. I know, I know. It wasn't one line. It was two lines. It was make your own lines, and you turned it into four. We chose to have two. Make your own lines, they won't all go in.

I auditioned twice, I had to improvise with Zach, and I had to improvise by myself, I think, and then I had, and then I pimped myself into doing a rap, I think. I don't know how that happened. Yeah, like it was, I think the situation was- Oh wait, Scott, you froze. Oh, he froze.

Oh, Lauren. Okay, let's talk about what we really think about Scott. Okay, so that whole thing that he said about how his parents got married was a lie. I know, right? I know his parents and they're still not married. They're like big hippies. His dad was never in the military. I know, his parents and they're still not married. They're like big hippies. His dad was ever in the military

I know his parents were so chill. They're so always let him do whatever he wants. Yes He like is he reigns supreme in that household Now he's gone he's just gone This is like when he got that phone call and we had to just like vamp for like 45. Oh, yeah He left the studio wait, and then everybody left and it was just me? I was just naming things? Well I think I left eventually as a joke, if I remember correctly. Or were you just bored?

Yeah, I was probably bored. But anyway, yeah, I had to audition twice. Isn't that crazy? It is crazy. It kind of feels like at a certain point, like, what I gotta do to prove it. But you know, I got it. How come I didn't get to audition? I mean, people know who I am. I don't know. You didn't, but that's good that you didn't have to audition. But no, I'm saying I could have auditioned

for a bigger role. Right, that is true. I mean, I don't know. You think Scott feels bad? No, I don't, I don't. I think he put me in that movie to humiliate me, and I'll never think otherwise. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He tried to be, it was him big dogging me. He was big dogging me. Yeah, he's like, you just say your one line, buddy. Oh, Scott, hi. Hi, I'm back. What were you guys talking about?

Just shit on you. Pancakes, oh. What? Just shitting on you? You're just? Cakes oh What? Shitting you're still frozen though Really my internet sucks your max head room me right now Continue well anyways What was I talking about before all of that Before the Zach audition we were talking about the apps that we're gonna the apps you could choose

Before the ZAC audition, we were talking about the apps that we're going to the apps you could choose to put your phone. Right. Okay. So I chose stocks and you chose? Yeah. Oh, iTunes too. Okay. Then we did. We did settle that. And we said, let's get it into the store. Oh, and then I got into the things that make you go home. Okay. Okay. We're back. So we're all good. We're back. Okay. Well, it's time to take a break. Okay. Bye. Bye. Okay, great. Okay, great. Okay.

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See how Weight Watchers fits you at WeightWatchers.com. That's WeightWatchers.com. That's WeightWatchers.com. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Is it Paul? Really? I've made the pronouncement. You said that so seriously. Because therapy is a serious business.

That's right. Well, in our busy lives, mental health often takes a back seat. What I'm saying. That's right. Without a car seat. Yeah. You know what I mean.

Whether it's work, family, or personal commitments commitments finding time for yourself can be tough. Yeah therapy though I tell you it can make a big difference. It's self care, but it's non-negotiable It's a self care non-negotiable. Exactly. It's non-negotiable for your self care when your schedule is packed with kids activities big work projects and more It's easy to let your priorities slip but then you feel like you have no time for yourself. You need non-negotiables like therapy. It's more important than ever in a time like that. Can I give a personal experience?

Yeah, I guess. In therapy, I've learned so much about coping skills and setting boundaries and I definitely am a huge fan and recommend it to everyone. And that is true. Very good. All right. Well, better help is an online platform that makes therapy accessible and convenient. You can do it from the comfort of your own home on a schedule that works just for you. So here's all you have to do. Fill out a brief questionnaire. These things are brief. They're half a sentence at best to get matched.

That might not be strictly true. And you'll get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists anytime at no additional charge if you need to never Skip therapy day with better help visit better help comm slash freedom to get 10% off your first month That's better help H ELP comm slash freedom All right, so we have all stopped our video and now we're doing it. This is like, this is freedom after dark. This is freedom after dark. This is like we're a sleepover and we're giggling in the darkness. It's like we're in the sensory deprivation tank next to each other.

Oh wow, this is like that. Yes, even though I can see the room around me. And I'm yeah. Turn off all your lights. It's broad daylight. There's no lights on. Get in bed. Are you a no lights during the day kind of guy in your house? Well, I'm in my office and I don't there's plenty of natural light, so I don't need the lights.

I consider your office to be part of your house. But it's not part of my home. Drew, okay, you got me there. But do you ever sleep in there? Sometimes, Jenny and I get in a fight. How many times have you slept in a different room? How many times have you have? Over the night?

Never. You always make up. We always make up. The scripture says, do not let the sun set on your anger. Yeah, it surely does. It surely does. It surely does.

I want to see you guys. Oh, he misses us. Yeah, I want to say I don't like it. I'm just looking at my own picture. I don't like it either. I feel very disconnected. Like I can do whatever I want. It's weird. We're keeping you honest here. I feel like I can do whatever I want. It's weird.

It feels like I'm like free and I'm like that makes me distracted. I feel drunk with power. I need to be seen in order to be on task. Oh, not me. I was fine staring at my laptop displaying my full name. I've done a podcast though as a guest where it was on Zencaster. Where it's just like a phone basically. Yes, I did that with you and it sucked.

Wait, what would we do with that? Cause I did another one. We did that on Zencaster? Yes we did. Why? Yes we did. I don't, because it was at the beginning of the pandemic and I think you guys had not You just invested in Zencaster.

Because I don't remember that at all. I did one sort of recently on there for something else. Do you remember every podcast you did? First I didn't get to do the movie I wanted to do and then it sucked. Paul. What movie did you do? I've got a lot of grievances on this. Paul. What movie did you do? I've got a lot of grievances on this episode today.

What movie did you do? I did, did I do Rise of Skywalker? Or I did The Force Awakens, The Force Awakens. I wanted to do The Last Jedi. But I was, your producer had other plans. Dude, they just decide. I don't know. I'm not blaming you. I said the producer. Is this your first fight? No. I don't think it's a not blaming you. I said the producer. Is this your first fight?

No. I don't think it's a fight. Is it a fight? Yeah. It's not our first and it won't be our last. From my perspective, it's, this is crazy. Wow. You're getting your jollies over there.

Scott, turn off your Zoom background. I bet you that's causing a problem too. You know what? I bet that will help. I bet that will help. All right. I'll turn off my Zoom background. We see you're in like a hoarder's room

full of a thousand newspapers? I don't even know how to do it. How do I do it? Go to video, hit the little carrot. How did you turn it on and do the opposite? I know, but I can't find it. Hit the carrot next to stop video and then go to backgrounds.

Hit that carrot. I know, and there. Oh, there it is, backgrounds. And filters, none. There we go. Hello, guys. Oh, there he is. Remember this room? It's not much better, but it is better. It is better, actually it is. Backgrounds and filters. None. There we go. Hello, guys. There he is. Remember this room?

But it is better. It is better, actually. Yeah. OK. All right. I think it's time for a new feature on this show, and it's called Paul's Topics. All right. Now we're getting creative. We're getting down to brass tags. My topics today are as follows. We're getting down to brass tags. My topics today are as follows.

When in the course of human events. Surely. When in the course of human events. I will start over every single time. When in the course of human events. You interrupted yourself that time and started over. But I still did. I said whenever I'm interrupted, I won't start over. Okay. All right.

When in the course of human events, it behooves us all to see the times in which we are alive and say, ah-ha, what do I do to take advantage of these times in which we live? I don't have... You don't have any topics? No. What's the best invention of all time? Light bulb. Light bulbs. Good light bulbs.

Light bulbs. Good. Can it be fake? Inventions? Uh, sure. I will say in downtown Abbey when they, uh, sure. No examples, please. Downtown Abbey.

He does it on purpose. Don't fall for it. When they, when the light Abbey he does it don't fall for it when they When the light bulb was invented it didn't seem to make their lives that much better No, I love on shows like that Period things where there's a new invention that we that is old hat to us and people are against it Yeah, well, that's like everything now Electric light why what is wrong with the stub of candle? It's like me talking about NFTs.

No, but that's bad. That's actively bad. But you don't know that maybe in a hundred years they'll be like, that actually was really good. We know now that it's bad. No, I know. But it is like I'm sure there are inventions that we've pushed back on, you know, or we're like, do we really need it? You know, the other thing is, I feel like we as humans, we can never imagine the next thing, like you can never be like, dancer. But I feel like this or are we that?

Yeah. But you never go like, you know, you always think like we don't need a phone to do more than it does now. And then they're going to figure out a way to make it do more than it does. And you're going to go, how did I ever live without this? Well, I didn't want a cell phone for years because I didn't want people to feel like they could get ahold of me. Yeah, and now we do feel like we can.

And my friend said, okay, I'm not gonna get one unless in a month, I three separate times think, oh God, it would be good to have a cell phone right now. And if that happens, then I'll go ahead and get one. And it ended up like three times in one month, he was like, oh God, it would be good to have a cell phone right now. And if that happens, then I'll go ahead and get one. And it ended up like three times in one month. He was like, oh God, it would be nice to be able to make a phone call right now. And so he got one and then I got one.

And the rest is history. That friend was Alexander Graham Bell. But like in the past, you know, since you guys were older than me when you didn't have a phone yet, you know what I'm saying? We still are. Yeah. Did you feel, like, I mean, I feel like you could say,

Yeah. We're having the same dinner. How many times do I think in the day that I wish I had a cell phone, once you know it's a thing, but before that you got through everything fine. You figured out a solution to everything. Well, you know what? There's a pay phone.

The thing that made me get a cell phone was being on a set and not being able to call a place to say that I was gonna be late. Oh. I was double booked. I think I told this story. I was doing the movie Magnolia and news radio on the same day.

You're in Magnolia? Two equally good things. I don't think I've ever seen Magnolia. You should see it. I haven't seen it since it came out, but I'd like to see it again. Every Paul Thomas Anderson movie, I watch it think I've ever seen Magnolia. You should see it. I haven't seen it since it came out, but I'd like to see it again. Every Paul Thomas Anderson movie, I watch it and I say, I can't wait to watch that again. And then I never watch any of them twice.

Now, I don't think this makes this question make sense. But is that how you know Emmy man? No, I knew any man first from Largo. Yeah, Largo. I feel like Paul Thomas Anderson cast a lot of his movies through the Largo scene. Yeah. Well, I mean, not the main parts. No, but you know.

But he would sprinkle people in. It was like a fun thing. Yeah, yeah. Cool. So I was doing, it's just a voiceover role, really. But I had to be there on the set to do the phone call live with Philip Seymour Hoffman, right? And so so I'm there and I'm like, I have to, I'm going, I'm doing a news radio,

which is a live multi-cam sitcom. There's an audience there. You can't leave. And they're all chanting P-F-T. And I keep asking, you know, I keep asking like, are we close or what's going on? And of course they just tell you like, yeah, and we're almost done.

And of course most of it was just the setup that was happening in another room. I'm just like sitting in the kitchen of this place to be live on the phone. And I got there late to news radio, but still on time to do the show. But I got there after things that like after the cast had been introduced at the top of the show. So you didn't get your claps.

I didn't get my claps. I got claps at the end. But I, the day after that, I got a cell phone. Oh, wow. Interesting. Yeah. Remember how, by the way, an article came out recently, Vulture maybe, about the start of the alternative comedy scene, which I thought neither you or I, Paul, were mentioned because it was like two years before you got there, and maybe three before I got there, or something like that. But I thought it just made me remember all these things about like how we, because

we could only communicate about where we were all hanging out that night via phone, we all had to somehow have a big long game of telephone where you had to be home at some point during the day and around when someone would call you in order to get the information of what. But I mean answering machines existed. You didn't have to. You didn't. Yes. Are you kidding me? Oh, no, they did. Yeah. Yes. But it seemed like we always had to like.

You'd leave your job at Sterling Draper, Cooper Price, and then. No, but at the time, didn't it seem like you were talking on the phone way more than you do now? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When landlines were everything, I talked on the phone. I would have no problem talking on the phone for hours. And then once it became cell phones, I hated, I grew to detest talking on the phone. Right. I don't know. It's just like... So how often do you talk on the phone now with like people?

Hardly ever. just a business thing Hardly ever. Yeah I'll be like, okay. Okay, like trying to get off after five minutes or whatever. It's just like Even when we're on tour or whatever. It's just like I don't know. I can't stamping on the phone anymore I don't know why yeah, I took on the phone probably at least an hour a day Really? Your homies from back home or your mommy usually my mom Yeah. I talk on the phone probably at least an hour a day. Really?

With some of your homies from back home or? Your mommy? No, usually my mom. We talk on the phone every day. And then beyond that, I don't know, I feel like I end up on the phone. I have like some friends who I've had, like Arden and I will like send voice memos back and forth,

which is basically like talking on the phone. And that's kind of fun. And I feel, but I feel like not, it's not, not all my relationships are phone relationships, but I do have a few where it's like, and then I have some people I just check in with every, so often and talk with every couple months, for an hour.

For a while, instead of texting, I would video myself saying whatever I wanted to say and send that, and that was fun. But just like me driving going. That's like Marco Polo. Exactly, you could have been rich. Marco Polo was pretty fun for a while. Like wild horses, we were using that for a bit.

And it was pretty enjoyable. And I was doing it with a couple other people. And then there were some people that I wasn't even that close with that I was Marco Polo-ing with. And it's like I get a Marco Polo from Ken Marino. And I'm like, hey, you know, it's like, we would never, when would we ever talk on FaceTime? Um, but I got a few Marco Polos from people I don't know that well.

After I joined, they're just in my contacts or I'm in theirs or whatever. And it's like, okay, is this, I felt like instant pressure, like, Oh no, is this like a social networking app where people are just doing it? You have to respond. Yes, people are just doing it out to the void all day. Yeah, I think that app kind of felt like a lot of pressure at a certain point, especially with people that you were getting to know. I never received a Marco Polo. I have no idea what you're talking about.

So you guys should feel good. Oh, so it's an app? Well, did you sign up? No. Well, then that's why you never got one. Oh, okay It's an app. Case closed. I thought it's like LinkedIn requests where no no it's basically Marco Polo

So the premise is like the game Marco Polo where one person says Marco and the person says Polo You send a little short video then the other person responds to the video. Oh I thought it was based on the guy. The dude. The great guy. It's based on the guy, the dude, the great guy. He loves us sending videos. So it's just short videos back and forth, but it's kinda, it was really fun for a second. For a second. It's like, remember, do you remember Periscope?

Yeah. That was like going live on Instagram basically, which is what it became, but Periscope I thought was cool for two seconds. But everything's boring after a month, isn't it? Yeah. Not sex, bro. Ah, hell yeah. I think sex is fun. I wish I could last a month isn't it yeah not every every bro I think sex I wish I

could last a month it's fun you wish you could last a month like you want to just fuck for like 30 days straight no food no sleep yeah why are you showing me a day of fucking all right we have to take a break. Okay. Are you tired of the same old takeout options and meal kits? Discover a fresh way to enjoy gourmet dining at home with Cook Unity. Cook Unity partners with top chefs from around the country to bring you a rotating menu of chef crafted dishes delivered right to your door.

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Each week, two pop culture experts battle it out to convince me, Aminatou So, that their opinion reigns supreme. What is the greatest sports movie of all time? Who made the most delicious on-screen meal? Tune in every Thursday to find out. Pop Culture Debate Club is out now wherever you get your podcasts from Lemonada Media and the BBC. And we're back and it's time for a three-chur. Yay. Oh, this is the most fun part of the show to some people

and the worst part of the show to others. For me, it's why I do the show. Really? Wow. Yes. This is what we do. This is called Win, Lose or Banana. What?

Submitted by Reese Makes Words, who I feel like has submitted other things for Comedy Bang Bang maybe. Okay, so this is how it goes. Two of us are the, one person picks is the picker, we'll say, Paul, you're yawning the biggest yawn I've ever seen you yawn. Well, I'm glad you called attention to it. Does it make you want to yawn again?

Makes me want to yawn. Michael. He he. Ow. He he. Okay, so one person is going to pick between the other two people. Scott. The other two people, yeah.

Scott, I don't understand what you're talking about. Oh, I picked. No, one person is gonna pick. So like Paul, say you're the picker. It's gonna be me and Lauren. Between me and Lauren, we text each other. Lauren. About who is the banana.

So you and I will decide who's the banana. Yeah. Okay. And then we both try to convince the picker to pick us. And if the picker picks the banana, they win. And so how do we, what do we mean by we try to convince them? Any means necessary. All right, so Paul, do you want to be the picker

for the first one? So that was our example. So Lauren, let's decide between us who is going to be the banana. And I'm texting you right now, my theory of who is the banana. What do you think about this idea of who is the banana in Win Loser Banana? We've got it settled. We've got it settled. OK. All right, Paul. Oh, hello, potential bananas. I understand you'd like to be picked. Well, you certainly have to make a case to me, the picker.

Well, I am dying to be picked and I wish you would. Look, I'm going to give it to you straight. I'm the banana. I've always been the banana. I want to be picked. I want to be eaten. I want to be peeled. These are all banana things that only a banana would know. Please pick me. If anybody who's really the banana would not need to say, I am the banana

and I like to be picked and peeled. OK, it's a given for the banana to like those things. I am the banana. I'm not even going to tell you about that. I'll tell you about other stuff that I'm into. Being dipped in chocolate, being put on a peanut butter sandwich. I'm open to...

She doesn't even know that you can be frozen as a banana. I know these things. I'm a banana. Pick me. I'm obviously the banana. I can even spell it B-A-N-A-N-A-A. That's not how you spell it. B-A-N-A-N-A-A. That's not how you spell it. B-A-N-A-N-A-A.

Not two A's at the end. Banana? Banana, banana. I'm from the band Banana. Look, Paul, I don't need to convince you. I'm yellow. No, you do. I'm a fruit. Get over it. Paul, Paul, stop, stop, stop.

I'm the banana, obviously. Scott is a liar. I'm 100% the banana. I am a fruit. Get over it. I'm the banana, obviously. Scott is a liar. I'm 100% the banana. I am not lying. I swear to God. Paul, I'm gonna read you the text exchange that we had earlier. I sent Lauren the text that said,

I'll be the banana. And she wrote back, sounds good. All right. What actually happened is that Scott texted me and wrote the the word you and I put a thumbs up on it meaning me Okay, why don't you show me your phones and then I'll make my decision Unfortunately, we don't have our freedom phones yet So we can't show you the phones but you did text each other and then you promptly disposed of your current phones We yes, we threw them away because we thought we wouldn't need them anymore. So unfortunately

Paul do you want to ask any questions to kind of get down to business with you? Yes, yes, yes, yes. If you're a banana, what do you like best to be, yellow, green, or brown? Look, I love being brown because I, then my life is almost over. I know I'm either going to be eaten or thrown in the trash at that point. So I love being brown. I'm a banana. I love being yellow because that's when I'm at my peak and people all want to pick me when I'm yellow, which is what I am right now, which is why you should pick me.

The answer was green, but Lauren was closest. All right. Second question. Why would they have to be green? That's for me to know and for the banana to find out. Wait a minute. Maybe he's the banana. Second banana question. Banana split.

What goes on top and what goes on bottom? Look, the maraschino cherry is at the very peak of a banana split. And at the bottom, there is a layer of chocolate syrup and goo and melted ice cream. Banana! Lauren? No. The way a banana split works is there is a layer at the bottom of not melted ice cream. It's nice, juicy, big plump rolls of ice cream with a nice With two little cherries on top as well and

It is so good and everyone loves it and just because Scott is confidently answering first Doesn't mean that he you could have done that as a banana. It's true. I just know the answers. And you're both wrong. The bottom of the banana split is the serving dish and the top is the spoon coming in. Scoop it up. I don't consider the utensils to be part of the split.

No, something a non banana would say. No, no, sir. No, sir. I-banana would say? No, no, no, sir. Oh, sir. I obviously do consider those to be the final question. What do you why do you think that more Americans can't find America on a map? Lauren, as a banana, my answer to that, I'm going to jump in here. I think that this is mainly due to America's educational system because more and more money is going towards things in the government that don't matter like, you know, our armed services and computers and defensive systems that protect. Okay, a banana wouldn't know the answer to that. I'm simply a banana. I want to be eaten. That's my only life goal. I don't really care where I am on the map.

So please eat me and pick me. I'm the banana. All right. I'm ready to make my decision. All right. I believe the banana is Scott, but I'm picking Lauren. Yay, it's me. Yay, I did it. You won. You won.

I won. I won banana. You won. Okay, so for the next round, I think we should be a different fruit or a vegetable. But this is called win, lose or banana. Yeah, but because we already kind of made banana based topics, I don't think I wanted to talk about banana stuff at all. Reese makes words and we make our own rules. Whoa. OK, who's the picker?

I am. OK, so. And the topic is coconut. Coconut. Coconut. All right. So Paul, are you texting me? Or you text me. You text me your choice and I'll agree or disagree. Oh, the tension is palpable. Yeah. It's like, I almost don't care. I'm palpating it. Great. Agreed.

Okay, great. Okay. First question is, am I the banana? No, you're not the banana. We're talking about coconuts, baby. I mean, coconut. Am I the coconut? No, you're not the coconut. You are bananas, though.

Okay, so whoever wants to start, please plead your case as to who is the coconut. All right. Listen, a lot of people give me a hard time for being in some Easter candy. But look, I didn't ask to be put in there. And when you grow up, you'll probably grow to like me. So shut up. Also, I got milk in me that's not really milk. It's water. But for me, it's milk.

For you, it's water. But please call it milk. Out of respect. I am a coconut. I am brown and furry on the outside, and inside, I'm delish. Okay. Look, sure, do I remember when Scott Aukerman went to Hawaii for the first time with his parents, and they got one of me, and thought it would be really cool

to put a straw in it it and wow, coconut milk, straight from the coconut and it was gross. Yeah, I remember that. Was I insulted? No, I don't care about those kinds of things because people love me, I'm a coconut. Sure, I fall on people's heads and give them amnesia all the time.

Probably 10% of the world has had a coconut fall on their head and has given them amnesia and they've forgotten where they are for the rest of and who they are for the rest of their lives. But look, that doesn't bother me. I'm a coconut. I'm cool. Put sunglasses on me.

I look fucking awesome. I'm a coconut. Pick me. Thanks. A true coconut would know that I also fall on the same heads and bring them back out of amnesia. This is Coconut Amnesia 101. I love to be chopped in half with a machete.

I love to be scooped out. And then I like you to make a drink in me and drink it with a fancy straw. Coconut. Look, I'm a coconut. Whoever can say with the most conviction that they are the coconut Looking into your eyes. Yeah, okay

Which is the webcam? Yep. I'm see me. I'm looking right into your eyes. Yes Lauren he's looking at my house without hesitation. I Can tell you I am the coconut you have to pick me if you want to win Okay Lauren You have to pick me if you want to win. Okay. Lauren, you know in your heart who the coconut is. And you know that the coconut is me. I've never lied to you before and I'm not starting now. I'm the coconut and you can take that to the bank, baby. Lauren, he's lied to you before, hasn't he? starting now. I'm the coconut and you can take that to the bank baby.

Lauren, he's lied to you before, hasn't he? I'm sure. Yeah, obviously. I've never lied to you before that you know of and I don't intend to start now. I would never say I've never lied to you because obviously I've lied to you. I've lied to every single person I've ever come into contact with. But not now. I would never say I'd lie to you. Okay. I'm ready come into contact with. But not now. I would never say I'd lie to you. Okay. I'm ready to make my decision. Oh my God.

Okay. If it's me, cool. If it's not. I'm freaking out. You know, whatever. Now I believe that it's Scott, but I'm gonna say it's Paul. It's Scott.

God damn it. You are the loser. You are the loser. You are the loser! That sucks. This was our text exchange. Paul texted me, me? Who cares? And I wrote back, no. So it was me.

Okay. Fair enough. Now Scott is the picker. I'm the picker. I mean, dare we go pineapple next? I don't know, too tropical, I feel like. I once had- We went from banana to coconut.

I know, but I want an avocado, guys. Ugh, okay. Yeah, guys, text each other who's the avocado and if the other person agrees that that person's the avocado. And it takes, it's a bold move to disagree. But that's what happened last time. All right, they're texting each other.

We have text. I believe they've come to an agreement. Okay. Hi guys, I'm a very busy person. I want an avocado today. I'm not gonna tell you what I'm gonna do with it, but I just want one and I know one of you guys is an avocado So give me your pitch. Who's the avocado? Which one? Scott? Let me just say

You know why guac is extra because it's made out of me baby and I am a big deal Millennials can't buy houses because they love you so much. I Am a strange texture that you think you don't like, but it turns out you do like it. You can put me on a sandwich. You can mash me up and put me on chips. You could do whatever you like with me. I don't care. Just don't cut your fucking hands off while you're trying to cut me in half.

Please. I want you to be happy. Tear me to pieces and enjoy No, Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott He makes a compelling case. I might just pick him right now. I don't know. I am the avocado and I'm gonna be really honest with you. I'm not always good Sometimes I look like I'm gonna be good and then you cut me open and I'm nasty little brown mush. And my little rock hard middle is the main event, okay? I-

You're describing all of these very sexually. Main event. People want me, but when they get me, they might be disappointed because there's a small window of time where I'm fantastic. And when I'm fantastic, I'm fucking perfect and everyone's in love with me, but that window passes by so quickly. So it's really, I'm a risky thing,

but I'm telling you by being so honest about it, you know that I am actually the avocado. Pretty words. It's interesting, you're looking down and to the left every time you say you're the avocado. Ooh, Lear of the Oswald. I am the avocado. That was cross-eyed.

I'm just kidding. Scott, Scott, Lauren is full of pretty words, but you know what she's not full of? A big, crazy, rock hard marble that if you don't cut around it right, you're going to fuck yourself up. Look, I'm an avocado. And here's another fact about me that I know and love is that rats can't get enough of me.

So if you have an avocado tree, you better be prepared to have some avocado rats because they love me. And aren't humans and rats so similar in so many ways? We both like to be in houses that aren't ours. We both like we both like cheese. We both had songs sung about us by Michael Jackson. I am the avocado. And you can say for sure that I am not the m-acado because that is a cancelled operetta by Gilbert and Sullivan.

Avocado out! I don't want to belabor the point. I'm the avocado. There's nothing more to it. It's that simple. When I texted, I said, I want to be the avocado. Please let me. And Paul said, okay. I remember it differently.

I remember when we texted, Lauren said, should I be the avocado? No, wait, it should be you. And I said, are you sure if you really want this, I want you to have it. And she said, no, Paul, you should be the avocado. I don't want to be selfish. Too long. Sounds too long for a text exchange.

That I literally was present during. It was a lot of predictive phrases. Oh, that's true. That's a good point. He's a liar. OK, I'm ready. It is a liar. I'm ready. I'm ready. No, fight a little more. He's a liar. Lauren lies all the time. She's the prince. No, and I was the prince of lies. We don't have to insult a liar. I'm right. No, fight a little more. He's a liar. Lauren lies all the time. She's the prince of lies.

We don't have to get into this. Insult each other, really get personal. No, Paul lies a lot. Lauren is a lying, Lauren wouldn't know the truth if it punched her in the fucking face. I am scared to even ask him a question because I know he's always gonna lie for no reason. It's always about to-

If you ask Lauren what her name is, she'll say it's Roger. What's your name? Roger. You see? to make my decision okay I think Paul knows the most about avocados but isn't that a lot like ourselves we don't really know ourselves that well you know so I don't know the avocado would know itself all that well and really that? So I don't know that an avocado would know itself all that well. And really that whole text exchange was way too long. I thought it was you, Paul, until then. I'm going to go with Lauren. Lauren's the avocado.

It was me. You idiot. Fuck! I won! Paul's the only winner. Two out of three. Congrats, Paul. Thank you.

It feels real good. You won one out of three. No, I won two. Well, I guess I guessed correctly. I picked. There's only a winner if you guess the avocado. Otherwise, there's no my God. And that's how you play win, lose or banana. Thank you. Reese makes words. Listen, thank you, everybody. As of this recording, the shoe charms are back in stock. So get those.

There's a lot of other fun merch up at the Freedom Store at powtwag.com. So make this the year for the rest of 2021, you're gonna be decked out head to toe in Freedom gear. We talked about maraschino cherries earlier. We're selling Freedom hats with, instead of a little button at the top, with a maraschino cherries earlier. We're selling threedom hats with, instead of a little button at the top, with a maraschino cherry at the top

that say threedom on them. So go get those in the store. If you don't have Crocs yet, we are not sponsored by Crocs. But if you don't have Crocs yet, Explicably. I know, you need them now because you have to fill all the holes with gibets.

Every hole that you have. Shoe charts. Fill every hole with shoe charms. Fill every hole with shoe charms. Climb every crock hole. I had fun. I also had fun. I'll see you guys soon. All right. We'll see you next week. Love everyone. Bye. What do weddings, Instagram, and toxic relationships all have in common? They take your money and you can't get it back. 16 grand somewhere in there. Gone.

There's no legal solution for the fact that you married an asshole. Welcome to The Dough. I'm ex-Mayo. We're diving into the stories surrounding the moola baby. The good, the bad, and the unexpected. Yeah, we talking about it all. The Dough is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Sam Smith, and welcome to The Pink House. I love being in The Pink House with you.

Join me as I talk to my friends and some amazing queer icons about their idea of home, like Elliot Page, Joakim Booster and Gloria Estefan. Music was always my escape. It was my happy place. The Pink House from Lemonada Media is out now. You can listen ad-free on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts.