Threedom - Threevisiting: Now They're Doing Karate

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss gambling and indecent proposals, before playing Mission Statements. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail at HAGCLAIMS8.com.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Mariah Carey, Paris Hilton, Issa Rae, and Trevor Noah as they delve into the roots of countless common descriptors of women, like diva, crazy, dumb blonde, and the B-word, and redefine and reclaim each identity along the way. The complete season of Archetypes is out now wherever you get your podcasts. Freedom! Now they're doing karate. Freedom! We must beat Cobra Kai.

Freedom! Yes! Welcome to Freedom! All right, here's what happened. We're talking about the show This Is Us. Which I watch every week. I've never seen. But now they're covering coronavirus.

Now they're covering corona. Scott said I thought you were going to say, Lauren said now they're doing corona. And Scott said I thought you said now they're doing karate. And then we started very briefly riffing off the idea that I guess somehow the producers of This Is Us are thinking Cobra Kai is the most popular show on television. We gotta start doing karate on the show. I would love it if every character on that

had some justification for getting into karate. What if that's how you figure out that's how they all know each other? I don't know how they, maybe they're a family or whatever. Oh, they definitely are. They all met at a dojo or something. Oh, they definitely are a family. But I like the, the first episode of This Is Us

blew my mind, not to be dramatic. But I did, at the end of it I went, oh my God, I was crying. Technically I still wanna see it so I don't want any spoilers. Okay, the first episode is the best one. Oh, it just gets worse and worse and worse. Should I watch it backwards?

I just mean because there's a good twist and you're like, wow. But there's a good, there's a lot of twists that come in. Sounds like my drink last night. Okay. And of course, Mandy Moore plays a 65 year old or older. What? Oh my god, are you serious? I don't know that.

Yeah, because they all... I don't know anything about it. Time travel. Don't tell me anything! It's not time travel, it's just a story about... They slide back and forth in time. Yeah, exactly. Don't tell me anything. It's not time travel. It's just a story about... They slide back and forth in time. Yeah, exactly. Don't tell me this.

This was a few years ago after some Super Bowl, a couple years ago, they hyped up, like, the season premiere of This Is Us. Yeah, it was happening after it, right? Yeah. And so it got... They really hyped it up, and so they got all these people that had never seen the show.

Wasn't there a fire or something? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got all these people that had never seen the show to watch it. And just, I've never seen the show. Wasn't there a fire or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got all these people that had never seen the show to watch it. And just, I've never seen the show, but watching people's reactions to it online, like what is this? Well, like putting it after a Super Bowl makes no sense.

Everyone's like, rawr! And then you're like watching this. Rawr! Usually like they would have a football star, like guest star on the show. You need something stupid on Oh hey it's wide receiver. I don't know. I heard you're very sensitive about your weight. Kids used to pick on me too. And now look where I am. Playing in the Super Bowl. And maybe winning. They shoot it two ways.

When you guys watched the Super Bowl. And guess what? I won. And we almost won. And maybe I lost. But at least he doesn't want to jinx it so he refuses to shoot that one. Two ways yeah, when you guys watch guess what I would and we all made one and maybe I lost He doesn't want to jinx it so he refuses to shoot that one When you watch the Super Bowl do you go? Were you at my Super Bowl party that was the last party And my dad was there and we were just talking about your dad and he wanted to talk to cool up because he rode his never cross louse and he wrote his bike across louse and she has a bike be fascinating. Cool Hub's third dad reveal. That means you're my brother.

Third dad reveal. That would be a great conversation. They should have it on mic, on these very mics. Oh, wow. How about it? I mean. What if it's a new show about, and it's called I Rode My Bike Across,

and we just talked to people that rode their bikes. I'll just be my dad for 10 episodes. Across anything. Laos, a high wire. Hold on a second. The name of the show is I Rode My Bike Across. Louse, a high wire. Hold on a second. The name of the show is I rode my bike across. Yes. And then a space.

If you've ridden your bike across anything. The Grand Canyon. A squirrel that someone ran over. Yes. Yes. Yes. By the way, welcome to Freedom. I'm Scott.

Thank you. I'm Paul. I'm Lauren. And this is us. This truly is us. This is us. It can is us. This is us. It can't be anyone else, you know? It never would be anyone else. Don't you think we have more of a claim to the phrase, this is us, than the TV show?

Yeah, seriously. We've been doing this show since they started. Well after they started. But our catchphrase is... Way fewer episodes. Is we be three. We be three, that's right. Lauren, thank you. I did forget that. Yeah, you got to get that right.

We be three. Okay, we be three, also the pretzel gang, the crocodile crew. Them freedom boys. Them freedom boys. Oh wait, we also have our individual identities. Oh, what's that? Which I wrote down.

Oh, shit. Can I ask you a question while you look for that? Yeah, sure. I was thinking about this on the way here because I have this Gatorade here and it's blue. And I don't love that it's blue. Second time you've said blue on the show. What else did I say blue?

Blue me away. Ooh. Why are you keeping track of the different ways I say blue? Um. It's my thing. Ooh. I'm hoping the big one happens soon. Like a very mild army hammer. Blue hammer. I have one weird kink.

Oh my god, we gotta talk about that. But my question is- Now that everyone else has stopped. I know, well he's still doing whatever it is a month later. So it has blue one in it. My question is, if we didn't put in any dye to these things, would they be like brown? And that's why we do it. The question is, if we didn't put in any dye to these things, would they be like brown? And that's why we do it. Ew.

Any, okay, so the clear ones, you think they put clear dye in? No. So maybe they're clear, but then they put- But why do we go blue? And it's like, well, why do I need it to be blue? Can't you just, I'd rather it be clear. Well-

It's to make it more enticing, so you feel like it's something more than water. It's doing something. Isn't it something where like there are foods in nature that are blue that it's supposed to remind you of, of like blueberries or it reminds me of zero G fruit. You know what I mean? I think it's a cold thing. It's supposed to be like it probably. Glacier. It's called Glacier Freeze.

The Ike. It worked. I nailed it. I birds, even though ice is clear, it's reflecting the ocean, so that's why it's blue. The ice is reflecting the ocean in your freezer? I mean, in the nature, of course. Ice isn't blue. Wait, but the... You're talking about like, glaciers. No, no, no, no. Okay, no, the water is...

The ocean is clear as well. Yeah. And it's reflecting the sky. That's what it is. So it's... Oh yeah, sky famously well. Yeah. And it's reflecting the sky, that's what it is. So it's- Oh yeah, sky famously blue. Yeah. Did you catch that? No, what is it?

He said blue. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I thought it was a reference, sky famously blue, that you were saying, did you catch it? Isn't it sad when you see a picture of a polar bear floating on a- I don't care if you said blue. Mapping ice cap.

Aw. And it's just about to go die. And it's like, hey, photographer. He brings that Coca-, hey, photographer, make a little room in your boat. Why don't you give him the fish or something? What about teach Amanda fish? Well, teach a polar. Teach a polar. That's a great show for Amy Poehler.

Teach a polar. Teach me some of the items. I don't know. She picks one subject she has nothing, she has no knowledge of, like physics or I don't know. I'm not presuming that Amy Poehler doesn't know anything about physics. There's no way, dude. I'm sure she knows a lot about it, all women do.

Now, when did we start, all of us collectively as a country, caring that Nick Offerman makes things out of wood. Everyone suddenly was like, you know, he's a woodworker. Don't you feel like that was like 10 years ago? Yeah, I mean, it was when Parks and Rec started. Was that a thing on Parks and Rec? No, I think it was a thing of they made it because it got popularized because like suddenly it was like, hey, here's this actor who's very funny on the show.

I mean, it's cool. And it started being written about, hey, here's this actor who's very funny on the show. I mean, it's cool. And it started being written about of like, here's a weird quirk. I mean, what weird quirk do you have that people should write about? I fart in my pillow before I go to bed. Every night?

No, that's why it's weird. That is, yeah, I was gonna say. It's unusual when you do. I was gonna say. It's only six nights a week. Not since Harrison Ford have we cared this much about an actor who can make a bookshelf? Does he also make bookshelves?

He was a carpenter, was he not? Like Jesus himself? He was like our Lord Jesus Christ. I knew that. Yeah, he would, when he was a struggling actor, he would do it for directors and other actors and stuff. It's weird when you see, and I know we've talked about this,

but when you see someone like him pop up, like he's in Serpico as a cop with maybe one line. Is he really? Yeah, maybe one line or maybe he's just's in Serpico as a cop with maybe one line Maybe one line or maybe he's just standing in a hallway. I love when someone has one line. That's like dude That's Harrison Ford. I think if we're ignoring him. Yeah The guy from Star Wars gonna be you should say hi Harrison Ford We should decide who movie stars are going to be and then make sure they never do roles like that So it's not distracting in our movies.

Well I just watched Die Hard for the first time. Nice! Is this for one of your shows? For my Patreon I did a watch along if anyone wants to sync up and hear all my thoughts. And you were like the guy from Moonlighting? Well I was confused because I was like what did he do before this? Like he's what happened you know and then we kind of went down. Who the character or Bruce Willis?

Bruce Willis because I Willis, because I- He was Bruno, of course. He was a bartender. But his, but for the- Much like Jesus Christ, our Lord himself. At first, he was just like random little parts, like man who walks into the bar, like literally his IMDB is that.

He had a lot of experience, cause he walked in one every night to go to work. And then he was on a show for 60 episodes right before Die Hard. Moonlighting? I don't think, is that a show? Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was something else.

Well, regardless I thought, oh that makes sense. He did a thing. Because I was like, how do you become like such a huge star? After just being man who walked into the bar one time. Well, he got on Moonlighting pretty pretty early in his career.

Oh, absolutely. And that made him a massive star. Yes. I'm going to scroll all the way back. Lauren, this show was huge. Moonlighting was a huge thing. Moonlighting was giant. It was like lost, basically.

Holy shit! Did you just watch an episode? We paused this show and you watched it. We paused it for 47 minutes. Dude, that part where it was like lost? But yeah, he was a huge part of the cultural conversation, and then he became a movie star with comedies like Blind Date and stuff, but Die Hard was the first time he had ever done an action thing, and people were like, really? This comedy guy is doing an action movie?

Okay. So people weren't on board. Well, so they also explained something, because one of the trivia facts about the movie was that they didn't put, they took his picture off the poster because they thought people wouldn't want to see him because yeah People just knew him as like this smirking kind of like funny guy That's so weird who would like do rapid-fire dialogue on moonlighting and that's why they put it the original poster was Alexander Gudnov Sitting on top of that Nagatomi Tower almost Almost like it had been shoved up his butt. Like that flute video.

Oh my god I love that. It's a video of a man. This is real. This is real. It's not real. I mean yes there is a video. That is real. A man falls down the stairs. His recorder flute rolls off the console table and into his asshole where it then makes the sound of a toot a

Beautiful beautiful video just wonderful cinematography Dave Ferguson retweeted it Alright, that's how it came to me then our friend Tall John examined it like this, a Pruder film. And then he made his own. And he only sent it to me. I would love to see a movie like JFK where John is like in a courtroom pointing two frames. Everyone's like, why are you doing this? We have no questions. I'm not a judge. is like in a courtroom pointing two frames. Everyone's like, why are you doing this?

We don't care. We have no questions. I'm not a judge. I told you about what happened during JFK, right? When I watched that, there was a screaming kid in the movie for the first, and it's three hours and 45 minutes or something, and just running up and down the aisle screaming. Three hours and 45 minutes.

For the first three hours. No, that's when you walk. It's not three hours in 45 minutes. Let me look up the running time. It's extremely long but it's not almost four hours. A kid was doing that in the movie theater, you walk out to the front and you go you gotta get this kid out of here. You can't fucking deal with that. But stitches get stitches. I don't care give me some stitches get this thing out of here. How many stitches could it be? But I was, it's three hours, 26 minutes. That's too long. Okay, so for the first- See. I would start screaming, running down the aisle too. So for the first three hours, I was just trying to-

For the first three hours. I was in the back, the second to last row. Ooh, make-up row. And these people were in the front row and baby, no. Okay, it was a family. I'm sorry, why are they doing this? It was a mom and her four kids don't go to them to learn about history We have to see the most boring movie for you guys and and ruin everyone's time

That was back when Kevin Costner was like you had to go see every Kevin Costner film cuz it was an event You know what I mean? Yes in Joe Biden's America, maybe But um, you know what? Hamster up his ass. I'm just mixing up But um... You know what Kevin Costner put that hamster up his ass? I'm just mixing it up. But so she, so it was a woman, her screaming baby, and then her like two or three other screaming kids who were running up and down the aisles.

But the baby, the baby was crying throughout. This is so, the image of chaos is so amazing. It was insanity. During JFK. Why? But that said she was way at the front, and I was in the back, and I was like, whatever, I'll deal with it.

But annoyed, everyone annoyed. She finally, like, after three hours, right in the final act, half hour before it ends, she spanks her kids and goes, "'Come on, we're getting out of here.'" And the baby's crying, and she trudges up the aisle to take them out and everyone applauds. And unfortunately the old woman right behind me

in the back row, applauds right as she passes her. And the woman, I know I've told this story, I apologize to anyone who's heard it, but Lauren maybe hasn't heard it. I don't think so. Paul has? The woman turns to the old woman and goes, you dare make fun of me when my kid has an attack of the shits.

And then open hand wallops her in the face and the woman's going, ah, Henry go get her. And her husband like, doesn't know what to do. And so runs out and I'm laughing so fucking hard. Go get her husband like crazy doesn't know what to do. I wrote to runs out and I'm laughing so fucking hard and So then a half hour goes by the movie finally ends and I walk outside and the police are there and the the woman I think Is in restraints Squalid and horrible. Oh amazing amazing time of the movies horrible

Then the balcony is closed same Yes. Same theater, by the way, where I went to go see a different movie. I can't remember what it was. Juice, probably. Which theater was this, Scott? I know you know. The Azusa 6. And... What the fuck is that? Different screen, though.

Maybe it wasn't 6. Sorry. Different screen, but we're, we're sitting there. And there's this guy. There's this guy behind us who's like rocking back and forth in his seat and kind of muttering to himself. This is during the previews. Mr. Jerkoff came to town.

And he, and I say to my friend, Hey do you want to... No my friend says to me because I don't notice it. He goes, hey do you want to move? And I go, I like these seats. We're cool here. He goes, there's a guy behind us who's acting weird and he's like sort of going... and rocking him back and forth in his seat. You can't even stay at that point. That person's gonna kill you. And he's kicking the back of my friend's seat, which I didn't know, because I didn't feel it. So I would have been like, oh, sure, let's move. He's kicking your seat, but this guy's just being a weirdo. It's the trailer for a certain movie that Demi Moore and Woody

Harrelson are in and Robert Redford. I actually have no idea. A decent proposal. Well, that's the... So finally, Robert Redford says to Demi Moore in the trailer Or he says to Woody Harrelson Can I sleep with your wife for one million dollars and the guy stands up in his seat and shouts and indecent proposal? And then sits down Wow, so he just was waiting. I want to see that movie. Is that good?

But a dream line Wow, so he just was waiting. I want to see that movie. Is that good? No but Adrian Line And this is right as we have stood up to move and we're like crouching and he shouts it like basically in our faces We're like, uh Was it Doug Benson? Shouting that yeah, I would have thought that was funny if it had been him. Absolutely. Do you think this guy, that's all he... That's the only thing he says.

That's the only thing he says. And then did he leave after that? I wonder if it was a guy like us who was just being funny, but he was alone. No, no, no. If he was with his friends, it would have been like, ha ha, all right, he's making his friends laugh. I'm sorry, the shaking and kicking the seed and all that stuff adds another I think he was titillated by the whole How indecent that proposal was I mean how I sound like he was also condemning it

That's true on a scale of decent to indecent. Whoa. What do you think of that proposal to Lauren? Oh, I think is okay Would you would you do it? First of all if someone for a million bones and the guys who? Robert Redford in the 90s. He's the one offering Yeah, he's he's off. Yeah He's I'm married to what he here. You're married to Nick Offerman I'm married to Nick Offerman, but Robert Redford one million dollars out of wood going to me for a million dollars You're married. You're married to your husband currently, but Robert Redford comes up to you. Currently?

No. Your current husband, your current situation. But currently Robert Redford is- No, not currently, 90s Robert Redford. Not 90s years old? He's a golden fox, not 90 years old. He did look kind of old in the early 90s, I have to say. But good, he looked good.

If Robert Redford said, I will pay you a million dollars to have sex- To doink you. I'd go, okay. And he doesn't want Mike to watch though. Good, I don't think Mike would want to watch. Okay, all right. You don't think Mike would want to watch that? A million dollars, I want the money on the table.

Well, yeah. Well, Jamie and I did an episode of the Big Ones podcast about that. It's a podcast where they discuss moral dilemmas. But it's a comedy podcast. It's Amanda Lun and Maria Blasucci. And so I did that, and I was talking about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your episode was great. I really enjoyed it. It was fun. You guys went off on a tangent about donuts that was really enjoyable to listen to. Oh, nice. So the subject was the indecent proposal and what would you do and everything.

And Janie and I almost got in an argument because she was seeing it from the- Janie and I almost got into an argument. She was sort of seeing it from the standpoint of who cares about the husband? This is her decision. Oh, well, her body, her choice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I get that part of it.

But mentally, we are married. We are a married couple. I think here's the thing about that proposal. And it is indecent. Absolutely. It truly is an indecent proposal. But it's not something a decent person would ever propose to another decent person.

If you and your husband get on the same page and you go, we're gonna get this million dollars and then we're gonna pay off, we're gonna buy a house, we're gonna do whatever, you know, whatever you want to do together with the money. And they just go, this is what they did in the movie. And you go, let's forget this ever happened. Yeah, that's what they do in the movie. Okay. So she does it.

Now I do want to watch it. They roll around in the money, they're in Vegas. They like put it out on the bed. This is where the trope of like rolling around in the money sort of comes from. It started from that? I can't think of it like another example of it on film before then. That must have been a good idea. I don't think they invented that. I don't think they invented, like people would talk about doing it. People did it for sure. But I don't think anyone ever. No, people did it in life. No one ever captured it on film. No. Yeah, it's a lot like porn. Because it's too hard to get people did it for sure. But I don't think anyone ever... No, people did it in life. No one ever captured it on film, no. Yeah, it's a lot like porn. Because it was too hard to get people... It was too hard to capture people doing it.

Right. You know what it is? In documentaries, sir. It's every time you try to do it, the money's not as much as you think it is. Like, it doesn't really cover you. Well, that's why Woody Harrelson was like... Exactly.

It needs to be a million. Can you pay us in ones was his... Uh-huh. ...the most famous line of the film. As an aside, I did this, like, I had a sketch... We have one condition. I had a sketch. We have one condition. I had a sketch duo. Speaking of one.

In the, a long time ago. And we wanted to take a picture where we were sitting at a tub. This is you and Chris Sturridge. Sure, it'll last longer. Yeah, we did it all on Snapchat. Um, we wanted to take a picture, my friend and I, in a tub covered in candy all over us. And so we bought what we thought was a ton of candy,

and it was like, bloop, it covered nothing. Like the bottom, just a layer on the bottom. Yeah, then we put a blanket on ourselves and put the candy on, but it still wasn't enough. And then someone just Photoshopped it, of course, which is what we should have done the entire time. Oh, yeah, you should have been naked in the tub together. Yeah.

And then they just Photoshopped candy on top of it. Was it a funny picture? Were you happy with it? It turned out good, yeah. And there's our postcard, you know, to come see us at the Playground Theater. The Playground Theater. I wish I could have seen one of those.

If I could go back in time, that's the one thing I would do. That's so sad. That's weird. You'd be disappointed. What else should I do in Chicago when I'm there? Back in what years is? This would be 2006. You should go drink.

I mean, if you want to just do all the stuff I did. Say hi to Barack Obama. Go to like shitty horrible bars with a bunch of improvisers. No thanks. Well, in any case, Lauren, what I was gonna say is they roll around in the money and they're all happy, but as you can expect, that's only halfway through the film.

It's gonna get emotional. Then Woody Harrelson can't take it, and so they fight all the time about it because he thinks that she was too flip about, you know, doing it and she doesn't love him enough. Mm-hmm. And then he's an architect, so he goes and he starts talking. He designs a building that's like, I hate my wife.

It's like... It spells it out. I call it, I hate my wife plaza. But they break up and he goes and he gives a lecture about how every brick can be... A lecture. Every brick can be an amazing building. And sure, it's just a brick now, but it could be a part of an amazing thing.

And his students are like, whoa, you're fucking blowing my mind. I like that. I forgot the build. You made the materials. And then I forget what happens after that. But yeah. All right. But they are.

What's amazing about that movie, and I cannot remember if I've seen it or not, is that the way they get into such dire straits is they're so stupid. They're two stupid people. Right. They blow all their money, you know, with their business. I've seen blow so many times on this show. God.

All three of us. I said it just like. It was blue. I was saying blue. And then they're like, okay, here's our plan. We're gonna go to Vegas and gamble. No. And we're gonna win. We're gonna win, yeah.

No. It doesn't make any sense. The idea of gambling that money is the dumbest thing ever. Don't ever go to Vegas unless you have money to lose. That's the thing. When I go to Vegas, I go my I'll give myself a Budget for gambling. Yes, right exactly. You're fine with losing it's done And that's just my play money and it's fun because I will bet so low that I'll make it last hours

Exactly having a good time. That's what it's all about. You're not betting the same thing each hand or I play roulette Which is just a random ass game and it's all about. But you're not betting the same thing each hand or whatever. I play roulette, which is just a random ass game. And it's like- Oh, is it? Some of the worst odds in Vegas. Anyway- I always look to you like I'm pushing that button. The worst thing is I always get to a point

where I'm up like a lot. And then I somehow I'm down and gone. I once went to Vegas and I was doing the whole bet. The swingers thing. Yeah, you know, what happens there. I once went to Vegas and I was doing the whole like bet. The swingers thing. Yeah, you know, what happens there. I remember one part of that movie and it's something about an answering machine. That's the best part of the movie, for sure.

It's a good movie. But I was doing the thing where you bet on red each time and you just double your bet every time. I heard different advice. Oh, from Wesley Snipes from your friend Wesley Snipes. Uh huh. But I was like, you know how. I met him when I was the 56 passenger.

Wow. You know how odd it is to to for for it to be read like more than eight times in a row or something, you know? So that's what you're basically betting on is like you bet $5 and then if it doesn't come up red, you bet 10 and then you bet 20 and then you bet 40 and then you bet 80, 160, et cetera. And then finally like it'll end up black and you win the original five back.

Here why I know like gamble. Okay. Math. Oh. Lots of math. Not fun. But you know, But the problem is- That's why I like roulette,

because you just go, I got a pretty colored chip, and I just put it, yeah, and I just put it on different numbers that mean something to me. Right. And then eventually it's gonna work out. 69.

69. 35 plus 34. One missionary. What? 35 plus 34. do it all the time One is missionary to anal Because it's number two three is diarrhea unrelated That I had heard I think the 69 thing was based on like positions of the Kama Sutra or whatever

And then this is when I was a kid and then finally someone explained it to me No, it's because the nine and the six are like opposites of each other Which is what your because like the the ball of the six is the is you nuts Nine is the boobs Give me hot these numbers, baby. I do like that Whoa, this is getting me hot. These numbers, maybe I do like math. But I was going to say about the roulette thing, the problem is, is I did end up getting to a point

where it was red or it was black 10 times in a row or something. And then you're just betting these insane. Sounds like my friend Wesley knew what he was talking about. Yeah, that's horrible. But you're betting these insane amounts, just trying to get your original five back. And then if it ever winds up on zero, that's the other thing.

And it's just like, it's just green. But technically if you had a lot of money, you could just win $5 at a time. But it was like, this isn't even fun anymore. I'm just trying to win $5 at a time and who cares? I want to win thousands. Yeah.

I want to have a big bucket of chips to walk around. Everybody sees me and they go, Oh, he's the mayor of chips. I might have said this on the show at some point, if we talked about gambling, but when Stephanie and Tig got married, we, all the guests, we stayed at this casino hotel. Which one?

Do you want to give them a shout out? Maybe they'll give us all the three of us free rooms. No, I don't remember what it was called, but it was like- I'd love to go to Vegas with you guys, with you two drips. It wasn't Vegas. We would have a horrible time.

We would have a... Do you know what I wanna do? Tell your story, then I'll... All I wanna say is, it was in Mississippi. Am I S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I? Anyway, something like that. Yeah, Mississippi. Cause she's from Mississippi, Tigg is from Mississippi.

That's why it was there. And so that's why we stayed at this random hotel, because it was a- Hockalop! Closest. Hockalop! Hi! All right, is Lauren's dad your dad?

Pfft. And the funnest thing was that every, like all of us comedians all gambling together and screaming for each other. And like, it was very, as a Hanford and a lot of fun people. I think I was- Was it the craps table?

Susie Barrett. It was roulette. That's always the most fun, always roulette. But we all had different colors. So we all got nicknames for our chip color. And then we were like, you know, just going crazy. And I remember my Hanfords were brown. I went to Vegas with Hanford

and I taught like all the birthday boys how to play blackjack. Oh my God. Can you imagine me a flying on the wall? Oh, trying to educate them about anything. Okay, idiots. You know what one is, right? Missionary.

No, I went with all the bang bang writers for like a trip in between one of our seasons or whatever. But I remember I was like, okay, this is how you play blackjack. And then within, like, 10 minutes, I think I had won, like, $700 or whatever. Off of them. Yeah. And they were like, whoa!

And then I said, okay, I'm going to bed. And then I hear they played it all night for the next seven hours or something. That's fun. What were you going to say? If we went to Vegas, we would be so boring. I've never seen like one of those big shows. Oh, they're fun. Oh, I would like to do that.

I would like to go to Vegas and see Cirque du Soleil or like something. I'd see that shit, sure. Yeah. We saw, Miss Thier, I think was our first, me and Cool Up was our first, like Cirque du Soleil show we ever saw. It was really good there. That one seems satanic.

And then we took a cab, this is early in our dating relationship. We took a- So she was 15? We took a cab there. And you explained how cabs work. We pay him. He's forced to drive us. But then I saw, I didn't, the cab ride wasn't all that long,

I didn't think, and I saw, I could see our hotel in the distance. I was like, let's just walk back. And she's in heels. I didn't think about this. Oh my god. The worst and biggest. Oh my god.

We're walking. Who are you waving at? One of these birds or squirrels. Oh my god. We're walking at One of these birds squirrels there is And so the walk turned out to be like an hour and she was so fucking mad at me and but and by the So many of these stories by the 35-minute mark. It was kind of like You want to get another cab or whatever? You know, it was like look where I was like, okay We could only a half hour away now. Look, I can still see it.

It's still tiny, but I can see it. Oh my God, that's the worst ever though. That is a very Vegas thing too. I feel like in Vegas, like the goal is to be as fucked up, but functional as you can be. That's like the only way to have a good time. But I went there for like a bachelor party that was like coed a couple of years ago. Well, it was probably cooperative, educational, five

years ago. But I feel like no matter how much weed I smoked, I was never stoned enough for what was required of the to be in Vegas in order to enjoy yourself. Because I just think Vegas is really disgusting. Yeah, it's it's I have a hard time getting that idea out of my head. Yeah. Right. That's why I feel like the shows would be more,

please don't shit on me. It's fun to see the shows like if you please don't shit on me. We went during that trip, we went to see Penn and Teller. I've definitely told you this story I don't remember when oh right which one doesn't talk which teller teller teller lost his voice Did they disappear and he was literally? He was talking like that Penn was oh, that's right you said this on one of our last Baby usually Michael Jackson is their touchstone How do we get back to this again? Vegas, baby!

Usually Michael Jackson is their touchstone. Now it's Penn not having a voice. You know what? I'm not going to complain. If it switches, I'm not going to complain. Maybe I'll buy those glasses he was trying to sell. Also my cousin got married in Vegas a million years ago while I was like just in my early twenties. And it was, that was really fun

because she had Elvis at her wedding. Right. You know, it was the whole thing. Yeah. I talked about on the show about the wedding I went to with the guy getting married to someone for a green card and we had to take a bunch of pictures. Yes, yes, yes.

That's the only wedding I've ever been to in Vegas. But it is like- I know someone who did that. Oh, someone we all know? Yeah. They have talked about it on a podcast, but I don't know if I wanna. Yeah, you don't wanna. Blow it up

in case it's not. Oh, hell no. But they did that briefly. This man needed a green card and. Man needed a green card. Offered to pay her to get married and she needed money. So wait, who's the person we know? The woman or the man?

The woman. Oh. Hi, Cool Up. She's still up there? Can you imagine Cool Up being up there? She's smudging, she's smudging up there. But anyway, very fascinating. And then they never like lived together or anything.

It was never like. Right, they never consummated the marriage? They never had to like have a relationship really, but. They didn't have to make a sex tape to prove to the government? Look, here. Check this out. I didn't want to do this, but here's our sex tape. I know. I went to one Vegas wedding,

which was Dave Foley's wedding to Chrissy Guerrero. Oh. Because he was in a bad marriage for a really long time, could not get a divorce. Right. Finally, she wouldn't... His former wife would not get a divorce. Right. Finally, she wouldn't. His former wife would not grant the divorce. Wow. And there are two

nights up there in Canada. That's horrible. They're like, oh, you just work it out. Can you imagine someone saying no? You know, they were they were living in different countries. It was wild. Oh, my God. And so finally, he was able to get divorced, and they immediately scheduled a wedding in Vegas. And so it was like a last-minute thing, and a bunch of us went, yeah, it was really fun.

Did you go on a bus, or did everyone make their... We flew. Ooh. We flew. That's the best, because you're just in and you're out. That's right. Then, years go by, years go by, they get divorced. In Vegas? Very sad. Yeah, they get divorced. In Vegas?

Yeah, they went back. We all had to go back. Watch them sign the papers. Then more years go by, years go by, they get back together. Whoa! Yes! In Vegas? Yes.

All of these things happened in Vegas. What happens in Vegas? Because it stays there. Ashton Kutcher. I went to a friend of mine's bachelor party in Vegas where we took the party bus and, you know, big group of guys and it was one of these things where it was like, you know,

hey, we're gonna do the typical Vegas bachelor party. We're gonna have steaks, cigars, strippers. And... We're gonna murder a hooker. So me and my friends, we're rooming together, and they say, hey, we're, uh, we... You know, we went to a couple of strip clubs and it was boring or whatever. And so they go, hey, we're gonna hire these strippers

to come to one of our rooms and put on a show for us like two strippers putting on a show for us. I'm immediately uncomfortable. I'm immediately hot. So. So we go, OK, well, let us know. And then we never heard anything about it. And we go, I guess it didn't happen. We went to sleep and we're the two people they forgot to tell.

Forgot? Or they knew you would be like? 50 or 60? I thought they were gonna- Oh my God! They forgot to call us and so the next day, the one good thing that came out of it was the next day, they went around collecting for the stripper show

and we were like, you didn't, you never called us, so we're not paying. Well, that's good. But was the show like a vaudeville thing or- Sure. Yeah, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, That's good. But was this show like a vaudeville thing? All right, we have to take a break. We'll be right back. Hi there. It's Julia Louis-Dreyfus. You may know me from my podcast called Wiser Than Me, where I talk to older women and get their wisdom from the front lines of life. After season one aired I was amazed by how many people

told me our show made them look forward to getting older which is why I'm here to talk about season two of the show. Sally Field, Billie Jean King, Beverly Johnson, Ina Garten, Bonnie Rae, just to name a few and of course my 90 year old mom Judy. All hail old women. Wiser Than Me season 2 is out March 27th from me bonus content from all of our podcasts across the Lemonada Media Network. As a subscriber, you can listen to never-before-heard interview excerpts, behind-the-scenes segments, and continue to uncover new ways to make life suck less through all of our exclusive subscriber audio. Check out a free trial of Lemonada Premium today in the Apple Podcast app by clicking on our podcast logo and then the subscribe button. People love to pretend that there are simple formulas for living your best life now.

Eat this and you won't get sick. Manifest it and everything will work out. But there are some things you can choose and some things you can't. And it's okay that life isn't always getting better. I'm Kate Bowler and on Everything Happens, I speak with kind, smart, funny people about life as it really is. Beautiful, terrible, and everything in between. Let's be human together. Everything Happens is available wherever you get your podcasts. We're back! And we are the Peacemaker, the Patchworker, and the Midnight Toker.

That's our nickname? Which one am I? You're the Midnight Toker. I am! Am I the Peacemaker? You're the Patchmaker. Oh, you're the Peacemaker because you look like George Clooney in the 90s. That's right.

That's why I'm the Peacemaker. You know, did we talk about George Clooney saying he uses a flow bee to cut his own hair? We haven't talked about that. We haven't talked about this, but we haven't talked about that. But hey. We gotta. Why not? We should because we've told the same other two stories.

Everyone can stop emailing us. I just don't believe that. I saw that too and I also don't believe that. I thought he was lying. But does he have it close to the head like his when he first started doing ER and he had the Caesar? When he had the Kaiser? No.

The Kaiser Permanente. The Kaiser Roll? That Kaiser was not Permanente. I love Kaiser Rolls. I just don't buy it at all because why would a fucking trillion billionaire use it? Because it's COVID. You're not going to... He wasn't saying it during COVID.

He was saying he always cuts his own... He's saying he's always been doing that. Well tell me what a flow be does well I didn't really know what a flow be done until he told told me but it's a it's a tool that you like comb through here and it cuts it and actually now there's this new tool are you guys neither of you have seen this commercial no no I've seen you the Nescafe ones with no That's that's a part of why it's even weirder. It's like he's not like advertising this it's an old product right? I mean it's yeah like so he's I thought he was kidding with the woman didn't get it. That's how I thought Yeah, I do it And then I just thought he was in his like self effacing way where he talks about how bad he was in Batman,

even though like he's not the problem in Batman, the movie is the problem. He's been bad in other things. Yeah, but he, you know. But he loves pranks. That's the thing, I feel like we're being pranked. Okay, now, but I kind of am curious about a flowby because Mike really needs a haircut and we cannot get one.

And I feel like I might, there's this new product that I saw this commercial for that was like something trim or whatever, turbo trim or some fucking shit. And it's like the same thing apparently. Hey, turbo trim, send us a turbo trim so we can test it out. Yeah, and it's $30. Come on, turbo trim.

Crocs, we're, all the people who have been talking about crocs are, the sales of crocs are up during the pandemic because of us. Thank you for telling us. We literally gave the crocs like such a bump. We're the crocodile crew and you don't send us free crocs? Crocs, we put you on the map. I can't believe I don't even have crocs right now.

The least you could do is send Lauren her medicinal crocs. I don't have crocs yet. It's insanity. Okay. So turbo tax? Something like that. Turbo tax, yeah. And it looks like it would actually do the job

But I don't know. It's kind of like a safe way to kind of buzz your hair without going short It's like a vacuum thing so it vacuum so it pulls it out of its roots. Yeah pulls it out of its roots It's too powerful. It's a it's a jet engine What no, but vacuum technology. What would it be for? I don't want to raise the hair So that it only cuts like trims it interesting. Yes super weird. I I've been cutting my own hair I've given myself now two haircuts since the pandemic and I'm due for a third as you say I just gave myself one You did not do it. Well put a lot of product in because it did not.

I trimmed my ends. I think it looks great. I have like all these split ends and it's all gross. That's as far as I've gone. But I cut Mike's hair. That's why I got Mike's hair so long ago at the beginning of the pandemic, like day two. And I did such a horrible job and it looked like such shit like the back. Was it that bad? Really?

Honestly, yeah. The back was why couldn't that bad, really? Honestly, yeah. The back was- Why couldn't you cut his hair off? Crazy. Because what I did- Why weren't you good at it? Because what I did, and I kind of knew immediately what I did wrong,

instead of like cutting like up into the hair, I kind of went like across, you know, these like weird lines. It looked so fucking ugly. And then we had someone come to our porch and cut our hair in July. And- Is it someone with like super long scissors?

And you have a- We had masks and we were outside. And she was fantastic, but it was pretty expensive. And then I was like, now I just paid all this money for us to have haircuts. We're not even going anywhere. And then he hasn't had one since July. And now it's-

July, that was when I did my first one. The month of January. December is, that's a long time. That's a really long time. For a man to not have a haircut. Well, how's he look though? Do you like it? Well, he's had longish hair at some points.

It's not a wobble, but it's just that thing of like, you wanna shape it as you're going, if you're gonna grow it out. And I like his hair shorter personally. My hairstylist is always like, you wanna shape it as you're going if you're gonna grow it out. And I like his hair shorter personally. My hair stylist is always like, you have the ability to have long hair, why not have? The ability. If you had long hair, I believe that would be a problem.

Your hair continues to grow. I can't imagine you would. What if you put it in a ponytail? Oh no. Oh no. You would be a different person. My hair, I will say in the red hot chili peppers photos that we took. When you were in that. For our one episode of red hot chili peppers,

that is the longest my hair has been for 30 years. So you can kind of- Happy anniversary. Thank you. But that was, we took those like the day before I cut it in July when I saw you guys. I cut my hair for our special Jaws trip, but- Wow. I knew we would be sitting in a car.

So how do you do it? Do you put a mirror in the... Mirror in the bathroom? Reflecting in the back? Please don't. Please don't speak. Something, please don't speak. The door is locked, the view, and we're gonna take you to a restaurant,

there's glass tables. Do you have any idea what we're saying right now? No. God damn it, you need your own person here. I know a lot of what you guys talk about. No, I'm not saying it's a fault of yours. I'm saying you need... I do, because you know, actually somebody mentioned...

You need friends your own age, honey. I saw a comment that somebody mentioned that they thought, this was like a weird comment. I made a reference you guys didn't get. And they thought I didn't get that I even made it. Whoa, inception. And then I went, what do you think? I'm just saying full lyrics to a song and no one gets it.

And I don't know that I'm saying that. I said, it's a rare condition in this day and age, okay? Which is- Oh, it's Walsom, right? No. Is it a TV theme song or condition in this day and age, okay? Which is... Oh, it's Walsum, right? No! Is it a TV theme song or something? This day and age, to read any good news Family Matters?

On this paper page, love and tradition of the grand design Some people say it's even harder to find Peltkey Brewster. Full House, but it does sound like Family Matters. Full House! There's a huge crossover with Family Matters with the theme songs and I actually mix them up all the time.

Yes. But I said that, no one reacted, I didn't care, I didn't go, that's from that, it was just whatever. Exactly. And someone's like, does she even know she said it? It's interesting that everyone has- I feel like I do that all the time. It's like, who cares? Everyone has like a cultural blind spot of-

Not me, man. Of whatever like children's shows were on from the age of when they were like 18 until they have kids. You don't need to know. I'm sure there's a million things I don't know. But if you want to hear Plossum. Sure I do. Okay.

Piano goes like this. Don't know about the future that's anybody's guess ain't no good reason for getting all depressed fire up your padded paper I'll give you a piece of my mind What does this have to do with who's blossom? Cause in my opinionation the sun is gonna surely shine Miami-yallick Yeah I know yeah but like who is she in the show? She's the daughter, she's the main.

She's her dad. She had a hat that was fused to her head. It's a single dad because the mom. What does pen and paper have to do with her story? It's just a fun song and she just dances. So have you seen the theme? She's like, it's all white background and her dad's playing piano.

And then she's like dancing around and like doing all these little, and her outfit changes all piano. And then she's like dancing around and like doing all these little, and her outfit changes all the time. And she's like, Baa-baa-baa. Sounds awesome. And that's terrifying.

And now Call Me Cat is Blossom grown up and now she wants to be called Cat. No, I'm just kidding. But that's my, that's my I'm dog's new show. Oh, I see. Did you see Blossom in Dog Day Afternoon? May I'm Baleck? May I'm Day Afternoon? Mayim Balik?

Mayim Balik? Mayim Bialik? Hakuna Matata? Hakuna Matata? Dog Day Afternoon? She's just an extra in the courtroom. That's interesting. I don't believe you, but she was in Beaches as a child, so I don't believe she'd be an

extra. Beaches get stitches! She played the young Bette Midler, is that correct? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. That's another movie I've never seen. There are like weird- That's a nice movie. There are a bunch of movies I've never seen

because they came out and I was like, that's too commercial and I turned my nose up at them. And- Sure, man. You're cool, you're a cool guy. I'm a cool guy. You're so indie. Are you familiar- Keep talking, I'm gonna Are you familiar with the television show 8 is Enough? Yes, I am. And now there was that was a spinoff, wasn't it?

Because the coach was actually on growing pains. No. Okay. Now it. Okay. Now 8 is Enough. Who's that? Oh, it is Dick Van Patten. Let me look it up. Are you familiar with Betty Buckley? Okay, now eight is enough. Who's that? Oh

Dick Van Patten With Betty Buckley Are you familiar with Grant Goodie? Broadway star Betty Buckley, that's right I'm familiar with Willie Ames. Yes. I am cuz he was on Charles in Charge. Yeah Adam Rich Okay, this show doesn't really ring bells to me. The girls? Aid is enough to fill a house with love.

Our lives, it's a beautiful song. Always spend our days like bright and shiny new dimes. I always love shows with like so many kids. Did I talk during Blossom? Wow. You could've. I wouldn't dream of it. I wanted to hear that beautiful song.

I was practically begging for you two. She was pleading with her eyes. I thought Lauren is feeling herself. I'm gonna let her run with this. I'm feeling myself. Um, go ahead. No. Paul, stand up. I. Well, it is enough.

Stand up! I'm not gonna sing this song in pieces. Walk into the pool in your suit singing that song. Fingers crossed! He walks in, submerges, never comes up. Bye guys! I don't know what I would do.

I honestly don't. I think I would run into the pool and try to get you. That's what I'd hope you would do. I think I would run into the pool and try to get you. That's what I hope you would do. It is enough as one of those shows that back in this like Brady Bunch. I don't know what I would do. Where back in this. I don't know if I could save you. No you couldn't. It'd be too late. What did I make my mind up? Save him from what? He's like him doing it to himself? Yeah, like if he was, what would you do? Seriously. If he was like, I want to die now, and just walked into the pool in his suit and then like attached, you know, weights to himself or something? No, he just kind of puts...

Please stop me at the weights. Those things are heavy. I don't know whether I could get you or not. So you go into the workout room, you grab 25 pound weights that you hold on each arm, and you slowly... No, just hold them! He can't hold them, he's got to like strap them. No, and what happens is your head is down in the pool, but your feet are floating to the top, but you're holding on to the weights so it's keeping you down. He straps them to his shoes. I got it. I have an elegant solution.

That's easier I guess. I have an elegant solution. Instead of floating like Mario in water. Elegant balloons. I put the, I get down in there, right? Get down in there! And I put the bar of the weight on the back of my neck. That'll kill you.

So that my head is like down there. And then it's awkward, I can't get the weight off. Okay. You know, but you don't want to. But I don't want to, exactly. Well, no, you- And then at that point- This is grim, guys.

The thing about the weights- Let's see, at that point, Scott, I can't lift that weight at that point. So at that point, I'm just going screaming for help. The thing about the weights is the will to survive always supersedes the desire not to. So that's why you have to- That's why I have to about the weights is the will to survive always supersedes the desire not to. So that's why you have to. That's why I have to do the weights.

No, but you can't just hold the weights. You have to like make them, like where you can't get them off when you wildly thrash them out. That's what I'm saying. That's what I put on the back of my neck. This is grim. I'm sorry.

But I think it's funnier. If you don't have any weights at all, you just decide to walk into the pool. I like that too. And then for some reason, the pool keeps getting deeper and deeper and you're just walking. There's like a whole set of stairs we can't see.

And you just keep going down. Taking you to Hades below. Oh, Hades. I get on there and see Persephone. Oh, Orpheus is down. Oh my God. Orpheus is rising. Such a good show.

That was a real fun show. Hades town. I was sobbing. I loved it I loved it. I loved it so much. We got I was there. I saw that show. Oh fuck you. I saw that show in New York When I was there to do some shows in Brooklyn What you there to do a certain television show as well or no that was when I did I've been here more than once Wow as well? Or no, that was when we were there. I've been to New York more than once. Wow. The big city? You're so metropolitan. Don't you miss traveling? Oh my fucking God.

I kind of do. I really do. Do you know what? A Bob Seeger came on the shuffle the other night and it made me nostalgic for the tour. Yeah. I miss going everywhere. Me too. So you went to see Hadestown.

And I was with Tony Newsome, Eugene Cordero, Janet Varney. We saw the show. We saw Hadestown and then we were on our way to the to the Bellhouse in Brooklyn to do our show. And we were in an Uber and got a car accident. Oh, we've talked about a taxi plowed into us. It was the weirdest thing um You think when you're in a taxi you're safe and that nothing can happen to you because you're paying for it Let's see we're setting it up. So I have to tell the same story I told

Which is that my gym teacher One story you told I'll talk about pen and didn't have a seat belt on and they stopped short and she slammed her face into the partition she's and Lost teeth. Is that what the Beyonce song partition is about? Yes It's about my gym teacher. I thought they knew that song is partition. I Thought it was alright When Lauren went to Vegas she saw Penn and teller Oh my god, and he couldn't even talk.

And Teller doesn't talk, but Penn couldn't talk either and his voice was like, Eeeemeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeepeeep What? Oh, what do you know? Have you ever been so sick that you, have you ever been really sick where you're like, should we cancel this show? And then, like in my opinion, should he have canceled? But they lose a lot of money if they do. I would have been disappointed. And honestly, I was thrilled to watch what I saw. Okay.

The way he was trying to talk through it was hilarious. And I was high. So it was wonderful. But so was high, so it was wonderful. But so Paul, when were you sort of jealous? I wish I could have seen that. I think it would have been bad. When were you so sick that you should have canceled the show, but you went ahead?

Oh, standup gigs. There were standup gigs where I was under the weather and you know, because you're the only person, you know? Like there have been improv shows or things where I've dropped out of or standup lineups that was like, I can't do that tonight. But yeah, there is, I've never been able, I don't think I have. I don't think I've ever been able to say, wow, I am too sick to even go do that show. I have to make a call to somebody to say, refund people's

money or whatever right? I don't think so. I've been there. I first of all I should have cancelled the first Comedy bang bang tour after I broke my foot according to my orthopedist, but He was like they gave you a walking boot and you've been walking around across the country on it like you're crazy Johnny Appleseed, but I couldn't believe in Amy Schumer's documentary, how she went on tour while she had hypervesis shivardum or whatever it is where she was,

which is morning sickness essentially, but she was pregnant and she was vomiting profusely the entire pregnancy trying to do these shows. She went on tour across the country. But one of my bang bang shows in San Diego, I was so sick that we had to call like a hotel doctor to come give me a shot and all this kind of stuff. And I still went up that night and did a show.

It's very, I don't know. That's that desperate need inside you to connect. No, no, the whole like, the whole refunding people's- No, it sounds too hard. It's too much. I know you could, and I could call up my agent and go, hey, I can't make it to the... It just sounds like such a bummer for all involved.

No, I agree. But there were several times on tour, Paul, where you weren't responding to texts or phone calls. We thought you died maybe three times on tour. And where I was like... Honestly, we had the hotel call you. And then, like, because we couldn't get through to you. I remember because I had that one time

where my brilliant plan backfired on us. That one, yeah, but I think there were three. There were three separate times where in my head I was like, oh no, Paul's dad, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I was calculating. No. Who can I call to fly out to replace him?

That's psychotic. Different thoughts, different thoughts. I was so worried. I was like, something's wrong. But then the third time I thought, okay, now he's just asleep. Now this is just a thing. But yeah, there were a couple of times where I was like...

I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was causing such a panic. I apologize. It was a slow panic that was like... The longer... Could this possibly be what I think? Cause I always think everyone died basically instantly anyway, like as soon as you don't see them anymore. Yeah. Well that person's dead.

Okay. Something horrible happened. Sorry, you're dead. Like if I, if I'm waiting for someone and they're late or, you know, whatever, anything like that. No, anytime Cool Up comes downstairs, maybe 15 minutes later than she's, she usually does. I'm like, Oh, for Christ's sake, I hope it's not happening.

Jamie thinks I'm dead all the time. Jamie thinks I'm dead all the time. That's horrible. I always think Mike's dead all the time too though. Here's the thing, I'm fucked because I can't say my wife and I can't say Jamie. You can't say anything. Partner? But I think Mike's dead. You'll come up with something. She's talking about the same thing you're talking about.

OK. I can only say it to me that I think my my my lot. But it's terrifying when someone's sleeping really late or something and then you're like. But Janie's also if people don't respond to her text within 30 seconds, she's like, why is this person not running me back? But I will have that about a, with a text of like, they hate me. They're mad at me. They hate that I texted that I will say a problem there.

But how much time do you let elapse? Hours, like, I mean, I think like, if it gets to be hours and I go, I'll remember, oh, that person never wrote me back. And then I'll think. This is minutes. A popular text of Janie's is, are you getting these texts? I will say that I think we've, you know,

We've been one room apart for a year. Right. We've had so much much unexpected tragedy in our lives that now our brains are sort of like, oh shit, is this happening? And my parents, the other day I got a text from my sister saying like, are you guys in China? And I said, what, why?

And she says, well, mom thinks you're in China because she hasn't talked to you in so long and she heard you were going to China. So she assumed you were going, you were in China and not responding. And I said, well, I talked to her two days ago and we've never said we're going to China. But other than that, yeah.

China, it's so random, especially right now. Yeah, very weird. China's more random than ever. Going to China is's so random. Especially right now. Yeah, very weird. China's more random than ever. Going to China's more random than you can possibly do right now. Alright, we have to take a break. We'll be right back. Bye. Hey, Levinata listeners. We want to hear from you. You know we love our sponsors for a ton of reasons,

but one of the main ones is that they help us keep the lights on. And there's a really easy way that you can help us draw new advertisers and hear ads for things you're most interested in. Filling out our quick anonymous survey at lemonata media.com slash survey. By just answering a few questions, you can help us find new brands to connect with and also share feedback about show content you'd like to see across the network. And to sweeten the deal, once you've completed the survey, you can enter for a chance to win a $100 Visa gift card. I promise the survey is short and sweet and will help us play ads you don't want to skip and also keep bringing you content you love. Just go to lemonata media.com slash survey. Think about a moment in your life that changed you,

where one day you were yourself, and then the next day, poof, you weren't. I'm Stephanie Whittles-Wax, host of the show Last Day, and each week I sit down with a new guest to explore happy, sad stories of transformation. Some last days are hopeful, some are tragic, but on the other side of every last day is a fresh start. Come laugh, cry with us.

Listen to Last Day wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back and it's time for a three-cher. And this one has been submitted by Made This For LMAM. I don't know who LMAM is, but thank you for making that for her or him. This is called Mission Statements. Or it. It might be like a supercomputer. That's right. It might be a chair. It's not a chair.

Okay. They call this game Mission Statements. Someone is given a word and makes a company name from those letters. Example, cat equals creating actual turmoil. And the other two ask them questions regarding the business and decide if they'll invest in the company. I like this. Who wants to go first? Paul, you like it. So as you like it, the immortal barn, you get it.

Lauren, do you want to give Paul a word? Yes. Probably a short one to start. Probably. Supergolf fraudulence! Yod, yod, yod, yod, yod! Rawr! Your word is...

Palm. Thank you. Hi. Welcome. Thank you for... Oh, welcome. Oh, we're coming to see you. I'm sorry, I thought this was our office. I got very confused. No, I had my office designed to look exactly

like yours. And I blindfolded him when we were on the way here, so he didn't know if we were going to. Thank you for playing along. Why did you tell me this was a great surprise? I mean, this is just an investor meeting. Isn't it interesting how it looks like our office? I thought this was going to be a surprise party. Oh no. Are you planning a surprise party for me? Cause you know today is my birthday. Uh. Happy birthday, look. I've made you a cake that looks just like your cake at home.

Oh my God, this looks exactly like my cake at home. Yes, I took pictures of your home cake. Wait, so you already had a cake. This is to 9 10th scale though. I'm sorry. That's right. Dale. I didn't have all the ingredients. Dale, you already had a cake at home.

Just a lack of ingredients. Well, I had to use less of everything. Okay, I get it, you already had a cake at home. Well, I had to use less of everything. OK, I get it. You already had a cake at home. So you had all the ingredients. You just had less of them. Yes, thank you. That's a better way to put it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, no, no. Forget it. No, Sheila, please stay. He already had a cake at home, yet he's begging for a surprise party. You have everything you need.

Happy birthday, Gail. Now look. Dale. Yes? It's right here on the cake. Happy birthday, Gail. Now look. Dale. Yes? It's right here on the cake. Happy birthday, Dale. Oh, my name's Dale. Oh my God, Dale twins. I thought your name was Gail.

Why did you put Dale on the cake? Wait, so did you make this cake? Who's signing the cake? Oh, I see the comma here. Happy birthday, comma, Dale. Well, it could still make sense if it's a happy birthday, comma, Dale, and it was for Dale. Well, it works out then. In fact's a happy birthday comma Dale and it was for Dale.

Well, it works out then. In fact, cakes should have a comma. Happy accident. All right. Well, I'm a little disappointed that I've just been taken to a replica of our office for my big surprise. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't.

You're not a little impressed. Just to be very clear, Dale and I are not in a relationship and his expectations of me are far and beyond what they should be for a co-worker. Well I think co-workers can give each other... Because I ship you! Especially though if a co-worker comes up to another co-worker and says I have a great surprise for you I'm gonna blindfold you and take you to a surprise location on their birthday. But Dale you don't even know what's gonna happen here. This Dale wants to tell us about something very interesting. I'm like Sherlock Holmes though I've already seen that he has

invest for investor portfolios there on his desk. I know that insane pipe. Yep. And the weird hat with the flaps. I think that makes sense. It's cold. Yeah. We're using in here. Why is Dale? Sheila, I'd like to welcome you to a very exciting investment opportunity. Mm, okay.

I have a company that is going to change the world. Oh, wow. Okay. See? What am I holding up here? What is this part of my hand? The fingers, the thumb. Nope.

The middle. The fat skin. It's hard to hold up. The fat skin. I have to say it's hard to hold up part of your hand. You usually have to hold up the whole thing. I'm doing my best here, Dale. Like you can't hold up, you know, your thumb.

Well, I guess you could hold up your thumb like Fonzie and not hold up the other parts of it. But what am I trying to say? Dale. Fonzie didn't invent holding up a thumb, by the way. The part with all the lines on it. The guy's in Gladiator? Fonzie's thing was rolling around in money.

He loved it. He thought it was. And when Ron Howard first filmed that, he sometimes would film the episode. The part of my hand with all the crisscrossing lines that tell my future. Oh, the palm. Now, this palm that I'm going to introduce you to is not the flat, liney part of the hand. No, it is an acronym that stands for

Parrots Always Laughing Maniacally. Parrots Always Laughing Maniacally. Amazing, this sounds like an incredible business opportunity for us. Well, first of all, I always think parrots are too quiet. I've always said that. It's like, yeah, you can talk about stuff, but I don't know your emotions. I don't know if you're happy. I don't know if you're sad.

Here's the thing about parrots is that they don't speak when you want them to. They're withholding frigid bitches. But when a parrot does laugh, it feels terrible. You feel mocked by a member of the animal kingdom. Laughing at us? Parrots are always laughing at us. OK, not near us. This is what I am proposing.

OK, not near us. This is what I am proposing. A service where you would send, let's say, 50 dozen parrots. OK, so we're talking 600 parrots? 5 times 12 is a... And then you carry the zero and 600. You did the math. and then you carry the zero and 600. You did the math. And then we dispatched them to the world's leaders,

50 dozen at a time. Okay. There they go now. So every world leader gets one parrot a piece? No, every world leader gets 50 dozen parrots. They get 500, 600 parrots a piece. 500, 600 parrots a piece. 500, 600 parrots a piece. I love that show.

Is that what you're pitching? Is this a Broadway show you're pitching? Well, eventually it will be, of course. They fly to the leaders. I've been to New York twice. What? How? Well, the first time was for a job and the second time was for leisure.

Oh, okay. What did you do in the leisure time was for leisure. Oh, okay. Okay, what'd you do in the leisure time? Both possibilities. I literally saw every Broadway show. That has ever. That has ever been made. Wow. In all of time.

Incredible. Do you wanna hear about that? Yeah, I want you to list them. Okay. Porgy and Bess. The earliest Broadway show. Is this an order of your seeing them? This is an order of my recollection.

Oh, fair enough. Oh, sure. Cats. So you didn't remember anything else before Porgie? Hamilton. Mean Girls. Billy Elliot. I thought you were gonna say eyelash not a row be sure she should hate is down you will be kinky boots Annie get your gun or just Oklahoma Oklahoma. Dare I continue?

Which version of Oklahoma did you see? The one where they serve chili? It was in the round. I have to say, once I went to New York with some friends and I said, hey, should we go see that Oklahoma? And the whole chili aspect of it seemed to turn them off. Yes. I understand what that friend was talking about. So you think-

Do you really want to go see a Broadway show and be farting the entire time? And the audience, the entire audience is farting? And everyone has to eat chili to get in? Although- That was the price of admission. Although I did go see Sweeney Todd, where they made meat pies, and it was wonderful.

Sure. You know, do you have a food that goes along with your pitch? where they made meat pies and it was wonderful. Sure. You know, do you have a food that goes along with your pitch? Well. This is a good question. Do you want to hear that? At first you want to hear the full pitch. Or do you want to hear the rest of my list? We didn't hear the full pitch.

No, no, I somehow didn't get to it. Huh, weird. I wonder how. All right, go ahead. Rent. Are you still talking about the shows or are you reminding me that we have to? Dream girls.

Oh, okay. I think she's still talking about the shows that she saw. Or she might be talking about girls that she's dreaming of. Go on. Oh. The parrots perch directly outside the residence of each world leader, and they begin laughing. Laughing maniacally. The world leaders have no choice but to take it personally because it sounds personal.

Whoa. I love this. This is. Whoa. I love this. This is so good. I love this. They have to talk to each other. So this is like a military weapon you're pitching us. And why are you pitching us? Because you know, we're realtors.

It's not a military weapon. It is. I've got a condo in Studio City that would be perfect for you. Yeah, I'd love to get you in there. I don't know that show. Is that like Out of Sixty to Business without really trying? Yeah, it was 1967. All those titles were so long.

It was kind of off Broadway and you know, it didn't survive past 10 previews. The idea is that once all the world leaders are suffering the exact same fate, the world has no choice but to unite in peace. I love this idea. I love it. Now, okay, the content.

And the reason I'm pitching it to two realtors is realtors need to have a good name again after the capital insurrection. Oh, thank you. Because of that one who said she was a realtor as she got on the plane. She said it so many times. Right. She really wanted people to know she was realtor. So you think that if you sold this to us, then we could take it all the way up to the top through the chain of the Pentagon? Two realtors who are well pro USA. You you engage me to do this and you get the credit. Oh I love this. All I get is free tickets to Broadway shows. Which one do you want to see? All of them that have ever been created.

So I've got to pay for all of these or get my hands on free tickets somehow. But we would get credit. That's up to you. This sounds like a good deal. Dale. Credit for something? Yes. Dale. Other Dale. That's priceless. Other Dale. Yes. Who's Other Dale? Wait, I'm relegated to other Dale. Sorry, it's my office. Your other Dale. Other Dale, I think that, uh, I think it doesn't say happy birthday other Dale. I don't know. It says happy birthday, comma Dale. That's right. I'm Dale. All right. I'll do it. I'll do it. I hate to see you fight. Thank you. It's like you fighting with- Let's kiss and make up. Oh.

Is this my surprise? I'll pay you a million dollars to fuck. That's an indecent proposal. Alright, and scene. Yay. I think that, should we do more of it or that may be it for this episode? I think that feels like a lot. That feels like a lot.

Alright, that's it for this episode? I think that feels like a lot. That feels like a lot. All right, that's it for this episode. It feels like a lot. That's it for this episode. We will see you next time. Maybe we'll play that again. Maybe we will. Yeah. All right, thanks.

Crocs, send us Crocs. Send us Crocs. Post-mode, send us Crocs. All right, bye. Last day from Lemonade Media explores the moments that change us. Those times where you look back and say, Send us crocs. Send us crocs. Post-mode, send us crocs. All right. Bye. Send me a croc. Send me a croc. Last Day from Lemonade Media explores the moments that change us.

Those times where you look back and say, whoa, one day I was myself and the next I wasn't. I'm Stephanie Whittles-Wax and I have seen time and time again how sharing these stories can change lives. So do you have a moment in your life that changed you fundamentally and forever? What happened? How did you move through it? And how did you eventually start again? If you'd like to share your story, go to bit.ly slash last day stories, bit.ly slash last day stories. We can't wait to hear from you.

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