Threedom - Threevisiting: Tendrils Are Hair

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss Dick Cavett, childhood games, and starting their own Jackass-style show before playing Political Candidate. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.com. Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.com Grab some new Threedom merch at www.kinshipgoods.com/cbbwSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! One of my famous naps and now I'm ready for some podcasting fun. Wow. Did you just wake up 30 seconds ago? I mean, pretty close. That's lucky. Do you feel really good? It felt really good. Did you stay on top of the covers?

Oh, now he's yawning. I yawned like a little sleepy baby. I did stay on top of the covers as per our household's rules. This is freedom, by the way. This is a night night podcast. Oh, this is freedom, by the way. Imagine it somehow being on on your phone and you don't know what it is. What is this?

Imagine you're on your phone and you don't know what it do. OK, well, this is as good a time as any to end this show. Oh, Scott. This is as good a time as any to say this is our final episode of the season, but we will be back with another season so soon you won't even notice a difference. You won't even give a shit or one shit.

You won't even complain to us. I doubt it. Yes. But yes, this is our final goodbye before, in our time, in our dimension, Lauren has her baby. Yeah. And we're not going to see her until after that. And then who knows if she'll even let us see her after that. I might just be a totally different person

and just kind of say, I don't really have time for this anymore. Oh my God. No way. Because you'll have a baby and it'll be like, my life is different and my priorities are different now and who needs podcasts? Yeah. It's stupid. I just don't want anything to do with this medium at all.

All I wanna do is watch over my baby and make sure nothing happens. All I wanna do is zoom a zoom, zoom, zoom, and a boom, boom. I'm having a baby. She's having my baby. Do you know that song? Gross song by Paul Anka.

What a wonderful way to say you really love me. There are other ways to say that. Hey, do you know this song? That's sick. Janie and I stumbled over this song the other day. Janie and I stumbled over this song the other day. Janie and I stumbled over this song the other day. Fair enough, fair enough. Walked right into that.

A song by Melissa Manchester called Don't Cry Out Loud. Don't cry out loud. That's exactly right. But do you know that that song is about somebody joining the circus? What? Yeah. Baby cry the day the circus came to town. Lauren knows the whole thing. The world just passing by her.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. She painted up her face and took up with some clowns. She cried the day the circus got there, not when it left? Yeah, maybe out of joy. Okay. But she was, but the next line is she was sad about it. Right? What did you say, Lauren? Then she was tired of the world passing by.

She didn't want the world passing by. So she painted up her face and took off with some clowns. Took off. And the sun went down off up on a wire but where I first heard that song was on American Idol sung by Diane, Diana de Gero. Oh wow. DeGarmo. DeGarmo.

DeGarmo. DeGiorno. Del Giorno Delivery it's a delivery and a delivery Suddenly that was her stage name and that's actually a good stage name. Hey, it's not a garbo. It's delivery. It wouldn't make any sense But it would get it. I guess so I Loved it so much when she's saying it that I downloaded it at the time and that's amazing Random that they liked this American Idol random song. Yes. It was her version. Wait, let's look at her the real one Well, we we discussed the lyrics on stay of honkins Oh, you're bringing other podcast business into our podcast as a springboard to our podcast business

I love it. What's our business? We need a springboard Scott because there is a video That someone sent us of Melissa Manchester doing that song on the Muppet show. Oh, I love that and There is a it's a very it's not a funny rendition. It is not really a video. It's an episode of a TV show It's a very, it's not a funny rendition. It is. It's not really a video. It's an episode of a TV show. Okay, Scott, what do you call YouTube videos? Any clip on YouTube you call an episode of the TV,

you call it exactly what it is. This is an excerpt from a movie. It's not really a video. No, I mean, when you say someone sent me a funny video, it like implies something someone taped or so, you know, I mean, you know, something someone made. And it implies that immediately or like way, way into the sentence.

At least as long into the sentence as when I interrupted you. Okay. I was just watching the video. So anyway. No, no, no, no, no. I started with a faulty premise. I retract my statement. Someone sent you a clip from an episode of the TV show.

You know what? Yes, the Muppet Show. That's correct. And what happened? Oh. Oh, so you did want to know? Now I'm interested. Now you've hooked me.

See, now you got your claws into me. They did the, she performed the song, and they sort of acted out behind her. There is a little Muppet on a high wire and then there are three full people that are wearing clown outfits and sort of Muppety masks. And it's a little disconcerting because they do look like Muppets.

Do you think they'll do that? Who's learned to walk? Like they should do like current Muppet show and then they have. Oh, I'm sorry, Lauren. Lauren, will you hold on one moment? Are you one of the impression that none of the Muppets can walk? No, they all slither. Kermit has feet and legs.

Miss Biggie is proficient at karate. He has them in one scene in one movie, but so you have no. No, he doesn't. That one movie but so you have no he doesn't know you have no like permanent you think that his feet and legs go away when you don't see them I'm not seeing them they're gone are they here tell me the truth are they there when I'm not seeing them they're not right are they what are Kermit's legs there see something does not mean that it does not exist. But tell the truth.

They do not exist when I'm not seeing them. Is that correct? We don't know that. This is Schrodinger's Kermit's legs. You think that Jim Henson is down there with his hand up Kermit's butt. He's passed on. So no, I don't think that at all. And you, but you think that the legs are just dangling.

It's not whether or not either of us thinks that. He cuts off the legs. It's that we cannot, we can't. Cuts them off. This is absurd. Respect Kermie. Respect. My neck.

That's right. Respect Kermie. But do you think we should make a new Muppet Show and then like do like authentic reenactments of WAP? Yes, I do. Yeah. Cool.

With the complete original lyrics? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely, I believe that. The radio edit is not good enough. Yeah, because it's wet and gushy, right? It's like, what's the Kidz Bop version going to be? Oh, boy.

Yeah, I know. They really do need to figure that out. Yeah. I guess I would say. They really do need to figure that out. Dry and pushy? Absolutely. The concept of dryness is not threatening to kids at all. No, but I mean, and a dry, acerbic sense of humor.

This is like describing Catherine O'Hara or something. Little kids love Bennett's surf. Libby Gelman-Waxner. Dick Cavett. Is there anybody, you ever see him in documentaries where it's just, any clip of Dick Cavett is him just getting owned by whoever the guest is? Dude, I watched.

Like somebody really cool that's like, yeah, I don't know why you say that Dick Cavett. You sound like a real idiot. Yeah. Really? I watched an episode because we were doing, we were sort of trying to figure out a 60s episode of the Bang Bang TV show. And so we watched one. The comedy Bang Bang TV show?

Yeah, yeah, yes. That one. My show? And we, your show. I was on it for a solid 10 minutes. I would say that If between two ferns is Paul's movie then comedy shows my show stands to reason yeah And curb your enthusiasm is my show, of course. Well, I believe it's also my show Perhaps a show we share

But yeah, I watched one and he came out and I think, I feel like John Lennon was on it or something. It was like a big monumental show and he came out and he did a monologue and he ate shit so badly that I was like, how does this guy have a job? And it seemed like it was a regular occurrence of him coming out saying a couple of jokes that no one would laugh at and him going, Oh, well, I don't know. And then moving on to an interview, which he didn't do well. I don't know. Yeah. There was, there was one I saw in that five years documentary about David

Bowie, um, where he has David Bowie on the, in the Ziggy Stardust era and is talking to him like, you know, like, Oh, you're certainly a different, yeah, like that kind of thing. And David Bowie is so calm and smart in replying to everything that he's saying, like not taking the bait of anything. Um, and it's amazing also considering that David Bowie is out of his mind on cocaine at the time, but still is able to just be like, yeah, I get what you're saying, but that's not what's happening.

Like I'm an artist and I'm creative. I'm actually good. I'm not a weirdo. And you're a weirdo. Yeah. And you're not good. You're a weirdo. As a matter of fact.

Yeah. I don't know. It is interesting like the Tom Sniders and all the people who used to be able to have like just broadcast careers doing bad interviews. I don't give any subs. No, I mean, Tom Snyder was good, but I mean, you know what I mean? Like, everything in entertainment now is so accustomed to, like, you watch old SNL episodes

and they truly leave it up to the audience whether to laugh or not at stuff. And people will eat shit, whereas now you go to the show and they pump the applause sign, you know, all the time and they try to get you to laugh after every joke and applaud every single entrance of anyone. It used to be like TV was so interesting because people could just sit there and have like a non-interesting conversation, and that's like reductive of some of the old shows. But I mean, there could be a whole hour long conversation and 10 minutes of it could not work or not be interesting.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I miss that. It's a lot like this show. We're doing it here. Eh, I have a comment about us as well. What if an audience just somehow knew that they were all on the same page and refused to acknowledge the applause sign.

Without talking to each other. That would be interesting. Yes, without talking to each other, but everyone sort of looked around. Like, yeah, I'm not gonna do that. Like, one of the guys comes out and says, anytime you see the sign, you gotta go crazy. And everybody sort of looks around at each other like,

no, I'm not gonna do that. No, not for me. Like, what would happen? Like, would the guy have to keep coming out and say, look, we were begging you With old shows have that applause sign like with like let's say like I love Lucy or something like wouldn't they have that sort of I don't know if they had it for I love Lucy. I forget when it started. That's interesting Yeah, I don't know how far back it goes, but you know like just societal norms were different I remember an episode of the 60s dating game that I was watching

Where not the one you were on nos dating game that I was watching where- Not the one you were on. No, not, and I was not on it. Well, the dating game was his life. But they went to one of the bachelors, everyone's in college at some university, they're all wearing suits, and they go to one of the bachelors

and the bachelorette says like, bachelor number three, will you sing a song about me? And he says, oh no, I don't think I could do that. And they just moved on and that was it. Whereas like, See that's authentic and then you know, like do you want to date that person or not? Like that tells you something.

As opposed to now anyone who's on television will do any stupid thing that anyone asks and love it. Cause they're idiots. Yeah. Well, someone was tweeting that they thought Colbert report could not exist now because everyone's so like, the audiences are so literal that they would not be able to enjoy the satire.

They'd be getting mad on Twitter about it or something. That's interesting. I don't know if I'd go that far. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I would either, but just posing a question. People loved Randy Rainbow. He wasn't serious. Reading Rainbow? Yeah, I mean, I don't know if I would either, but just posing a question. People loved Randy Rainbow. He wasn't serious.

Reading Rainbow? Yeah, Reading Rainbow. That's one of the... Reading Rainbow, by the way, did you say Randy Rainbow? I said Randy Rainbow. Reading Rainbow has one of the best theme songs of all time. Sing it! Reading...

Go ahead. Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high. Take a look, it's in a book. Reading rainbow, reading rainbow. I can go anywhere. Do do do. Friends know, ways to go. Reading rainbow.

I can do anything. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do He wanted to read the rainbow so he went and got all the colors. Paul, what was the thing in the video that you had? What was the thing in the video? The guy who did all the impressions. He was like to hire him for parties. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. And he was the end of What a Wonderful World. What did he sing at the end?

It was somebody's rock and orchestra. And the idea was he would... No, no, no, there were two different things. somebody's rockin' orchestra and the idea was he would, no, no, there were two different things. This guy, I forget his name, but he was like a, you would hire him out for events, to sing at events. And one of the things that he did was an impression. And this was a 10 minute tape or demonstration tape, a video tape. Yes, exactly.

Wait, what? Which I don't think I have anymore, which is unfortunate. That is unfortunate, yeah. You should get, think I have anymore, which is unfortunate. That is unfortunate. Yeah, you should get, when you're digitizing all your old stuff, if you have it, please send it to me. I don't think I have it. I think I got rid of it. I didn't come across it in that box.

It was cursed. It was cursed, yeah. Oh my god, somebody else has it now. Wait, wait, Tony, slow down. There was this guy who wanted to be hired for parties to sing at parties and be an entertainer. And it was like, hire him and he'll do all these different types of songs. And it was him. And he would give out a tape of himself and you would be, you would have it?

Yes. Well, no, this wasn't like a gift at the end of the performance. This was to get you to hire him. It was like a, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, but like how do you access the tape? He would be like handing it out on the street. You'd put it in your VCR? No, I mean, how did you get it? Like, did he go around and give it to people or like?

No, no, no. We got a hold of it because of just because of being in show business somehow. Like some somehow this guy. Yeah, this guy submitted it to someone that he probably shouldn't have. That was like, look at this dork. But I guess I guess it would go to it would go to event organizers or whatever. So if you're throwing an event, you say, I need a singer. But I guess it would go to event organizers or whatever. So if you're throwing an event, you say, I need a singer.

They'd say, oh, we have this guy. But this tape was demonstrating his range. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. And then at one point he does, what a wonderful world. And he does a Louis Armstrong impression. Oh, no. And it basically showed him doing the very last bit of it, where it was like, what a wonderful world.

And I say to myself, Gabby de Boop. What a wonderful world. Oh yeah. But the Gabby de Boop is something that he used to say all the time. Gabby de Boop. And did you used to say all the time. Gabby de Boop! And did you ever hire him? Yes, many times.

He's actually going to be here in 10 minutes. I would love that! Well, this is a special occasion! He's unvaccinated and wants to hang out. Gabby de Boop! The other guy was like Bill Hopkins rock and orchestra or something. I don't remember him. It was like a huge band, a huge band and doing all the party favorites.

And then there was the other guy who was trying to basically take freedom rock songs and turn them into a... That one I still have. Yeah, that was Flower Power. That one's crazy. Flower Power, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was a guy basically like telling an insane story about a movie that he'd concocted using all

of the different songs from the 60s. And- Including popcorn. Popcorn, yes. And the rain was gonna fall down on the character's faces to the sound of popcorn. And then popcorn starts, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

But then he starts imitating the rain and the very first thing he does is he pokes himself in the eye. That's right. Right in the eye. This guy invented the jukebox musical. He sort of did. It sounded insane at the time. But the weirdest part about the whole thing was at the end or towards the end of the story, the main character invents a vegan restaurant

that looks to be in a yurt. And then he's called a vegerant. A vegerant, and he stops pitching the movie at that point and starts saying, when the movie comes out, this will be the most popular franchise of restaurants of all time, Eclipsing McDonald's. Like he predicts the future. Eclipsing McDonald's.

And he had all kinds of merch that he would drop in throughout the thing. There was a heart with a peace sign that was his big logo that he would, there was a like a t-shirt and then there was like a staff with like a- Oh yeah. Oh yeah. A polished stone. Like a t-shirt and then there was like a staff with like a oh, yeah Stone it was I got a I digitized it and I can't find it. I have to find that. Okay, crazy. That's an hour computer No, it's not anymore. That's the thing. They got out. It got out. I deleted that folder. I was having issues with my

Storage Folder now I can't find the tape and it's gotta be around here somewhere. Okay. Isn't it just crazy now that would just be like a weird Instagram account? And that would be it? Yeah. Well, it is interesting because we, when, you know, Paul had a whole bunch of these and we would sit around watching them a lot.

And it was like, you had this secret thing that no one else had. And nowadays it would be like, if something like that was uploaded to the internet, it would be popular like one day and everyone would dunk on them. And then you'd move on, you know. But we would watch it over and over.

Mike and I can't stop looking at, and I don't remember his handle because it's something weird, but he's like kind of like a Venice beach lifer kind of person. And he also is like- Is it Arnold Schwarzenegger? He's like kind of like a Venice Beach lifer kind of person. And he also is like- Is it Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Double-jointed in his feet. So he's always doing things where he sits on his feet. Wait, double-jointed where in his feet? Like his feet go like weird ways. Like his ankles? Or double-jointed? Okay, not the feet themselves. That would be so strange.

Yeah, right. That would be extra weird. But yeah, his ankles are double-jointed. So he like Not the feet themselves. That would be so strange. Yeah, yeah. Right. That would be extra weird. But yeah, his ankles are double jointed, so he puts them... He's always putting them on display. He'll flop his foot up onto a weird table. It's just super weird.

And apologies to anyone who happens to be double jointed, and I'm sure you've had a lot of fun with it over the years, but I don't like looking at it. Playtime is over. Oh, no. Being double jointed is a blast. I don't like looking at it. Playtime is over. Oh, no. Being double-jointed is a blast. I'm not, but my brother was, when we were growing up, he could flip his knees and put his legs down basically, face down, bring the legs up to the side. And it was a cool party trick.

But he can't do it anymore? I don't think so. He hasn't tried in a long time. If he tried, he would break his leg, right? What do you. He hasn't tried in a long time, but if he tried he would try What do you mean he hasn't tried well he hasn't done it in a long time, okay Pure pretty well, that's all Then I will but this man like Whatever who cares if someone's double-jointed that he puts it

It's his it's his thing. Yeah, using it, it's like every video is so odd. It's like, he'll be walking down the street and then he'll flop his foot up onto a stone wall. He has a watch on his foot, or it's actually a phone. And then he'll look at the time. So he'll make up a rhyme, he'll be like, everything's going fine, and then flop his I'll be like, everything's going fine. And then like flop a swap and be like, it's two fifty nine.

And like, the thing's with the clock. What? Kabadibu. Kabadibu. It's so weird. Everything's going fine. It's two fifty nine. We can't stop watching it.

There's one where he's sitting on his bed and his his legs are going like just so strangely. And then he's like, he's like pretending like putting things in a pot and he's like, He goes, this looks like some soup to me. So everybody go, but nah, it's kind of meh. It's like the song. He's in his bed? I gotta find it. Please. I gotta find it please also did you say he's got a phone on his foot it was a watch but no it's a phone it's like a phone I think another one of I'm gonna have the- oh here, his name is Gnar Norkel. G-N-A-R-N-O-R-K-L-E. No!

No! I refuse to accept that it's Gnar Norkel. I'm not going to some site called Gnar Norkel. Oh, this looks like some kind of chicken bibi coming through the hoes. Wait, what? What is- What is happening right now? I'm going mad. Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

Oh, my God. I hate when the reels take me away. Anyway. Oh my God. I did look like soup to me. This looks like some soup to me. And then like Mike and I will just be walking around going, just silent for a long time, and then like, this looks like some soup to me.

So I let him go, no, don't do it. What song is that parodying though? This da dum dum dum to me. And then a little. I don't even know. My milks is that parodying though? Dista dum dum dum to me and then a little... Uh, Milkshake. My milkshake pinked on the boy's video. Is it? No. No, it's not Milkshake.

It's just nonsense. This looks like something... No, it's like a Red Hot Chili Peppers thing or something. Ooh. This looks like da boop-a-dee da ba-dibba-dibba-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee- I know you guys wouldn't pay to go see the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but how much would someone pay you to go? $1,000. I would go if someone paid me. To watch the whole thing?

To watch, mmm, the whole thing, good catch. You're not just going to walk in and do a full 360 and walk out. I did see them. $2,000 to actually sit through the concert. I'm going to need $5,000 to actually sit through the concert. I'm going to need $5,000 to actually sit through the concert. I'm going to need $5,000 to actually sit through the concert. I'm going to need $5,000 to actually sit through the concert.

I'm going to need $5,000 to actually sit through the concert. I'm going to need $5,000 to actually sit through the concert. I'm going to need $5,000 to actually sit through the concert. I'm going to need $5,000 to actually sit through the concert. I'm going to need $5 do a full 360 and walk out. I did see them. $2,000 to actually sit through the concert. I'm going to need $5,000 in really good seats. You want good seats? I'm going to need $5,000 in bad seats. In the worst seats, yes. I want, here's what I want. I want to be in a box where I get lots of food, everything I need, bathroom is accessible,

and I need to be paid $5,000. Okay, here's another question Lauren. How much would you have to be paid to give birth at the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert? That's the most psychotic thing. And the birth is sponsored by them. And so when it happens, there's a big spotlight and everybody's like, it's time. And you're on the Jumbo Drone. And then they sing sexy Mexican maid while you're giving birth.

OK, one million dollars. You would do it for a million. Yeah. OK, I'm going to try to broker this. And you have to name your daughter She Flee. What is that? She Flee? Female version of Flea. Oh, Shefley. With an I-Fen. Shefley. Shefley. I thought you were saying Shefley. How much would you have to be paid Scott to go be on stage during a Britney Spears concert wearing assless pants

concert wearing assless pants and going song, you just shake your head. No. And do thumbs down gestures. And that's what the crowd loves him so they're pissed at you the whole time. And then he finally turns around and your pants fall down. And you're like, oh no.

He doesn't know that I'm there the whole time. He pretends not to know that you're there. So this is all, he's in on it. Exactly. So he turns around, he's in on it. Exactly. So he turns around, your pants fall down, and then he gives you a thumbs down and shakes his head. That's right. Sends the crowd going,

This is exactly what I did on Make Me Laugh. So you guys bring out a board, they put you on it, they dump molasses over you and feathers, and then they ride you out of town. Okay, I would do that for one dollar. I mean, it sounds fun to do that during a concert. So I would do that part for free, the thumbs down part, but then the whole molasses, I had to get syrup all over my head for the bang bang TV show. That was your show. Sorry. That was really not fun. So I would, I was

the most unfun part of it. Well, I had it dumped over me so many times and then just cleaning myself out. I don't know. It was cool. I don't know. But I would do it for $2. Hmm. Okay. Done.

All three? No. A deal has been struck. Oh, I'll do it. I'm going to arrange this. Yes. We're both going to be on stage. The thumbs down during the concert sounds great.

That sounds like, and I don't know that it's ever been done before. Like you're just going, eesh. You have to be, you have to be like pretending that you're listening to every lyric very thoughtfully and then you consider it and then you give a thumbs down after each one. And I'm doing like the cut his mic off signal too.

Yeah, you're looking off in the wings. No. If he were willing to do that, I would do that for free. I would show up anywhere to do that. This is in Canada too. And so the audience will absolutely hate you. They will despise you. Yeah, that's fine.

And because I don't think it's sustainable longer than 90 seconds. That's why it's- Which to do with the entire show is so fun. Two hours. Paul, how much- And people just confuse the entire time. I would love it. I would do it right now.

Paul, how much would you need to be paid to stand in front of subway sandwiches on Hollywood Boulevard and be dressed as Johnny Debs? In front of the sandwiches? Or in front of the actual store? There's two sandwiches on the ground. All right, that's important to my decision. You're dressed as Johnny Depp as a pirate.

Okay, which one? The one that's famous. Oh, Captain Jack Sparrow? Yeah. Claude Lafitte? And you have a megaphone and you're shouting, can somebody hit me with these meats? Can somebody hit me with these meats?

Can somebody hit me with these meats? Can I... The dressing up sounds like the worst. Can I do the delivery different however I want each time? Well, let's audition an idea. Yeah, what do you got? Can somebody hit me with these meats? Can somebody hit me with these meats? Well, let's audition an idea. Yeah, what do you got?

Can somebody hit me with these meats? So it's kind of like a Scooby-Doo. Can somebody hit me with these meats? This is pretty good, I don't know. Can somebody hit me with these meats? Um, okay, no, you have to do the third one, but that's the only one you can do, and you have to say it nonstop. Nonstop.

Okay. Because I feel like, I feel like physically that would be. You can breathe. Yeah, I feel like physically that's, but that's taxing like to do that. You know what I mean? That's really taxing. Okay, fine.

You have to do it for one hour, but there's like a tour guide group that's constantly being brought in every minute Right and people are spanking you and they all know who you are They're spanking me with the meats. Oh So okay now if it was just I was begging for someone hit me with the meats But I didn't actually want that to happen and when people tried to do it, I would fight them That would be I that would be interesting

to me like what are you doing? You have one arm type behind your back. No I like that you say can somebody hit me with these meats and you seem like you really want them to and then when they start to do it you start running and then like people just chase you. Do they chase me? They want to do it. It depends on how fast they are, how fast you are.

Are they paid to chase me or you're just counting on this to happen? Some people will chase you for sure, just knowing people. Kids will definitely chase you because they'll think it's a fun game. Oh yeah. 20 year old guys, they'll chase you. 20 year old guys? Yeah, 21 year old guys, you know, they can drink, they'll probably just go off to a bar. They're like, let's drink instead.

Instead of chasing that Captain Jack Sparrow with the bullhorn, asking us to hit him with meats from those two sandwiches on the ground. On the ground. Who brings the sandwiches? That's the other part of it, Lauren. If I'm responsible for the sandwiches, no deal. I will lay the sandwiches on the ground before you arrive. Thank you.

Thank you. Are they put together sandwiches or it's like deconstructed sandwiches or all the elements of sandwiches? And Paul has to put them together though There are some way sandwiches that are completely put together One is roast beef and one's turkey So someone wants to hit me with the meats or if they dare to they will have to pick the meats out of the sandwiches What you mean when you say hit me with the meats is the sandwich the entire and how long okay?

People get that be with the meats is the sandwich. The entire and how long is it? Oh, okay. Six inches or foot long. Did people get that? They're foot long so that they can have a little bit of social distancing in case they're not vaccinated. Foot long. They're six foot long. Six foot long party subs. Party subs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now this is interesting. A six foot long party sub. Someone has to pick it up, wield it like a bat. Right, like Batman. They have to, but they have to be very careful, like a Batman. They have to be very careful because it,

you know, it'll bend in the middle, you know, if you try to pick it up and hold it. Exactly. So maybe frozen, maybe they should be frozen. Well, no, that's, that's, that's like a salt. Frozen sandwiches? Needs more salt, what'd you say? No, that's, that's a salt.

Somebody's just gonna hit me with a frozen. It's a real salt. No, this is a salt. Somebody's just going to hit me with a frozen. This is a salt people. I will not agree to this. It's actually a pepper. So you're out? Is that what you're saying? For this reason, you're out? No, $200. Okay. I don't, I keep telling myself that. Uh, 200? That's good.

I'm not going to, I'm not going to pay higher than $200 for this. Oh, you're going to pay for this? Oh, I mean, no, I don't want I can't do that. 200, that's good. I'm not gonna pay higher than $200 for this. Oh, you're gonna pay for this? Oh, I mean, no, I don't want this to happen. Uh. I mean, coming out of the pandemic, it's almost like you could almost say anything. Like how much would I have to pay you? And I would say, I'll just do it for free.

Sounds fun. You're just like, you just want to get outside. I just want out of the house. I just want to see people. Sure, I'll do it. Yeah, I'll do whatever. What if I threw you in a pool full of bees? Oh yeah.

Is that all right? Yeah, no problem. Sounds good. Hey, how'd you like to get stabbed? Where does this take place? Wait, this is like how Jackass started. What if the three of us did a competitor Jackass show? Oh, I think definitely this is the time for us to do that.

In our lives. I think the three of us are at the perfect point in our lives. Mutilating ourselves. That always seemed like, I did think Jackass was funny. Like, I thought so, but what if we did a Jackass type show that was trying to compete with Jackass, but we got too scared before every single thing. We never did any of the things.

Yeah, that's a good idea. That's good. And everyone can just see us being scared. And we never actually do the things. And yeah, it's but we always go, I don't want to. Everyone can see us being scared. Like, that is really the draw. That's the draw.

Yeah, it's just look at these cowards. What would be like the first challenge that we wouldn't want to do, like attaching something to our nuts? Yeah, we could clip something to your nuts, Lauren, and we could like electrodes or something. Yeah, it's like, you do like pregnancy labor pains, electrodes attached to your nuts. Yeah, yeah, we do like, um, pregnancy, labor pains,

electrodes attached to your nuts. Yeah. Yeah. We would do those. We would do pregnancy labor. Yeah. We got a pet boys electrodes. Yeah. Attach them to our nuts. Labor pain electrodes. Um, we obviously get an apport a potty filled with human shit. Yeah. Oh my God. So that's it. So there's a porta potty filled with human shit and we're being paid for the show and everyone expects us to do the show. But every single stunt we just go like, I just, I don't want to do it.

And we give back the money after every episode. With Jackass, were they exchanging money to do these things? I think they got paid by the MTV. So we give back the money that's like the deal for the show. Well, yeah, for the episode. So the next episode we can do the stunts and go ahead with it if we want. This is interesting. It's episode by episode basis. Yes.

But we're still in the episode. It's like they still need to pay us for our appearance fee. Well, sure, there'd be a sag after minimum. Yeah, that's Yeah, of course. Yeah, that's understood. Of course. My ancestors didn't fight for that in the acting labor wars. My ancestors. Yeah, but after but each time we just kind of like take a look at it and go, OK, what are we getting paid for this?

Like, I would imagine we would get a probably like 20 grand an episode a piece to be in the show, right? And so they're like, what is honestly the mildest stunt that you could think of that you would actually do? Yeah, I would maybe do something on water and also Lauren. Okay, I guess I would do something like, like with hot sauce. I might take On your nuts?

On my taint. I, you know, over the weekend, two things happened. Like a daredevil. Number one. A daredevil died attempting a stunt. And then like a bunch of- This is real? What?

Yeah. I didn't hear this. And then a bunch of people- A daredevil died? And no one told me. He dared the devil. I think a bunch of people died jumping out of a plane or something. And it was kind of like, oh yeah, well, no one should ever do those things ever. So I don't know that. Oh my God. I hate when people jump from building to building for fun. Oh, what do they call that?

Sugar gliding. Parkour. Parkour, right? I don't think I would do do... okay so I would I would jump in a pool probably. That's not a stunt. Jump in a pool with my clothes on. No that's a stunt. I jump in a pool with my phone in my pocket. Jump in a pool. I dare you to jump in the pool. We used to, I mean, I was, Paul and I were talking about this the other day. We- It's true, Lauren, we were. We used to ride bikes into the pool, tall John and I. Yes.

And that was- When? In my twenties, in our twenties. Wow, you were wild. We would, we would try to, the key was you would try to like pull up on the handlebars right as you got on the edge. So that, because what we found is if you just rode it

into the pool, it would tip over. You go face first. So we would try to like jump it into the pool. And then- But face first is funnier. Face first was fun though. But then tall John would also jump from the top of the roof into the pool.

Which seems insane. How'd you get the bike out? Wait, that's crazy. How'd we get the bike out? Wait, that's crazy. How'd we get the bike out? We picked it up. It didn't sink to the bottom? Sure. Doesn't seem hard to get.

But we would pick it up. I can't argue with you. It did sink to the bottom. It sounds hard to get it out. But wait, he jumped from the roof? It does sound hard to get a bike out. Like if you, because you're going to the deep end, presumably, right? Deepish.

Yeah. Like midpoint. Okay. So you could, you could drag it. You could stand and drag it. You didn't have to like swim it up to the top. Yeah. You didn't have to like swim it up to the top. You Okay. So you could, you could drag it. You could stand and drag it. You didn't have to swim it up to the surface.

That's what I'm saying. Wait, so what, what roof is he doing this off of? This was Brian Pilsen's house. So he would, he would take a run off of it. So imagine that roof. Yeah. I actually did babysit for him. Constantly hitting his head. For his child. Oh, so you've maybe been in that place, but you're probably not the same one.

I wonder, because it did. Did Dave Rath live there? No, it was the same place. Lauren, I wanted to ask you, it's gotta be quiet. Lauren, I wanted to ask you. I wanted to ask you too. How much did you get paid for babysitting? I've never employed a babysitter

and I've never been a babysitter. Well, I got paid $15 an hour. I think that's the most I ever got, but I knew people who were making $20 or $25. Wow. In New York especially. But yeah, I was usually $15 an hour, but I don't know that that's people's rate nowadays in big cities. I think it's probably pretty low for a babysitter. I famously got $1 an hour to do it.

Wow. Everyone knows that though. To babysit your little sister? I think it's probably pretty low for a babysitter. I famously got $1 an hour to do it. Wow. Everyone knows that though. And I complained. Was this to babysit your little sister? No, to babysit a friend's daughter and son. This was recently? Uh, no.

We'll give you a dollar. No, when I was like 14 maybe, I have a vivid memory of reading the latest issue of Bill Sienkiewicz's New Mutants when I was doing this. But I would watch them and the one girl would throw the cat on me, which is how I developed a fear of cats. And then I would only get paid- You still have that fear? Yeah, sort of.

I don't really like cats. And I'm really allergic to them, so that doesn't help. But, and so then, and I would complain. I'd be like, I'm only getting a dollar an hour. So it would be like at the end of the night, they'd give me like $3 or $4 or something like that. That is ridiculous. That's nothing.

And to care, to protect your children. Yeah, but then, but my parents had a good point, which was they said, they're not very well off. This is a church, church family friend. Oh, very well off. And this is something that you can do for them. Well, they can get rid of that fucking cat and other mouth to feed.

Yeah, really? Tell me about it. Maybe don't have two kids. If you're broke. I hate these people. What happened? You turned right wing. I'm on your side. I hate these people. What happened? You turned right-wing.

I'm on your side. So anyway, but that was the, I don't think I ever babysat after them. Like it wasn't something that I did. Well, it's left a bad taste in your mouth. I'm sure. Yeah. BT and the M. We gotta take a break.

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You'll never hear what we're talking about. And hopefully there'll be ads. Why not? Scott, in addition to riding your bike with your eyes closed, with your sunglasses, what is something that you did as a kid that you would never do now? And Lauren, same question. Okay. That I, that is like out of fashion now?

No, no, no, that the idea of doing it would be like, what, no, I can't do that. Well, oh man, that does remind me that my dad and I yesterday were talking about how weird it was that dog shit everywhere and no one ever picked it up. Back in the day. That is true.

Yeah, they would just turn white and they would, and no one ever thought about because it was like, oh no, it'll just crumble and fertilize the grass. So there was just dog shit everywhere in the 70s and early 80s. Okay, so. I forgot that that was a thing that would often happen was that you would step in dog shit everywhere. Yeah. In the 70s and early 80s. OK, so. I forgot that that was a thing that would often happen, was that you would step in dog shit.

Yeah, you would step in dog shit a lot back then. It's true. And I think it was like Harvey Milk. What a weird problem. Wasn't he like the guy who kind of, you know. That was his whole platform? His whole thing was, how he started was cleaning up San Francisco in the dogma. And the dog shit lobby Oh, is that real?

And the dog shit lobby got too powerful. And they just shit on him. I mean, is there stuff that I used to do that I wouldn't do now? I mean, I was thinking about how I never locked my bike up, but you're talking about like something physical. I guess anything. I tell you what, here's maybe a more interesting question

because I think that is, obviously there's a bunch of shit you wouldn't do, that you did as a kid you wouldn't do now. What's something that you did as a kid that you wish you could do now? I'll go with one. Okay, yeah, you go. When I was a kid, every summer we used to play, me and my cousins who live next door

used to play flashlight tag. Ooh, that's fun. It was so, my fondest memories. It was so much fun. It was so my fondest memories. It was so much fun. It was just, it was exciting. It was like, we would come up with strategies and stuff like that. It was, I loved it.

I loved it. Just that feeling of- Did you ever play capture the flag? Yeah. Probably a similar. We didn't do that. We did like, running bases was one we did a lot. We used to play like wiffle ball in our backyard.

I can remember where all the bases were. You can do that now. Not in my little backyard. Oh, this is another thing. In your old family home backyard. You can go there. What if I did? What if I just went there and just played wiffle ball

in the back? I used to live here. You can go there. What if I did? What if I just played football in the back? I used to live here. You're dressed like a little kid and you have like ghost makeup on. Ghost makeup. I'm, wait, I'm dressed. Or zombie makeup.

So like I died as a little kid, but I also continued to grow. Who says that ghosts don't grow? It's true, we don't know. I do. Your outfit stays the same, but you age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My clothes are all tight, they don't fit right.

They're just like weird. These are the only clothes I have. These tough skins are killing me. I do sometimes think about, like I have investigated camps to rent. You do this as a kid? He always rented summer camp at once alone. I miss investigating things. No, I sometimes have thought, like, oh, it'd be fun to get a bunch of people, you know, like 100 people

and rent a camp and go to camp for a week and do stuff like capture the flag and stuff like that. So I've thought about that. And you know, my friend had a really fun bachelor party up in Ojai where essentially it was like- Where the bionic woman lived. That's right.

Where it was three days and everyone was like playing pool games and there was a basketball court and all sorts of stuff. And I was like, and it was like every guy you knew. And I was saying like, why do we, why do we have to wait for someone to get married to do this? Why can't we just do this like every summer?

We'll like- Yeah, no girls allowed, absolutely. But it seems like no one will make the time to do it unless it's for an official occasion. Like if I were to send out an email of like, okay, we're all getting together, you know, I don't know, men's retreat or whatever. I think some people would go like,

nah, I don't know, I don't wanna go. What if you said men's retreat, we're gonna fight for our rights? Yes. And don't want to go. What if you said, we're going to fight for our rights. Yes. And whoever wins gets to stay married to their wife. Only half will win. We're going to draw straws to see who stays married. I don't know what I, what I did as a kid.

I guess one thing that came to mind initially was that I could ride my bike without my hands, but I can't do that now. I couldn't do it then, I can't do it now. I should be able to do it then. I wonder if I could do it now. I do not know what the secret is. It's just balance, right? I could put my feet up on the handlebars

while I was riding. I could like do little things. Smoke a cigarette. I could not do that now at all. And I would not even try, honestly. I sort of miss water skiing. I'm sure I've talked about it, but I feel like the last time I ever did,

it was when I was 22, but I still feel like I could do it, even though it was three decades ago. I don't think of that as a childhood thing at all. No, but I mean, but now I feel like, oh, wouldn't I break my neck doing it or something? I don't know. No, you would, but you could do it.

You want me to do it? You wouldn't I break my neck doing it or something, I don't know. No, you would, but you could do it. You want me to do it? You want me to break my neck? No, Scott, I want you to live forever. Okay, I will. Oh, okay. How long do you think we'll live? Is that morbid? We talk about this a lot.

I'm going for 100. I feel like I'm going for 100. Yeah, man, I think, I see you both living a volunteer late nineties. I come from a, I come from a people who lived in, into their late nineties. I don't, but it also doesn't seem fun. Well, it does. It does seem like when you get really, but then I gotta say all the old people that are in their 90s that I've known were all from generations where they came

from generations where they were smoking and like, you know, all this stuff that we know is bad now. So maybe they weren't having as good of a time as we will in our 90s. Look at Rita Moreno. I think the thing is like staying engaged and with some sort of community and having

a hobby or two. Yes. Yeah. And not letting yourself get bored. If you still have your Proud Boys when you're in your 90s, I'll be so happy for you. I am naming all the cereal. Got all my Proud Boys around me. Trickster for you. I am gaming all the cereal. Got all my pad boys around me. Trickster for kids. Ow! Fucking idiots. I just don't want to be, I don't want to be old and bored and I don't

want to be old and alone. And I also don't, I don't want to have like Alzheimer's. Yeah. Let's agree across the board we do not want to have Alzheimer's. Let's make an Alzheimer's. Yeah. Let's agree across the board, we do not want to have Alzheimer's. Let's make an Alzheimer's pact. I don't want to ever retire. Do you know what I mean? I know what you mean, although I also want to retire tomorrow. Well, I think not retiring... Excuse me.

My microphone is such a piece of shit. I think not retiring is for actors, because it's not like you can do that in every job. But like that's such a key. Betty White is so with it because she's like working on TV shows well into her older age. And like that seems so cool. It'll be a hard day if there's ever a forced retirement where like people go, you don't really have any job prospects anymore. Like, you know, the comedy has moved on.

But everyone loves a funny old person. I feel like that's going to be the best, the best time of my career is I think I will be a good, funny old person. You will crush it when you're like 80. Yeah, like you're coming into your own. There will be a lot of- And you'll be like someone's grandpa and then you come in and you say something weird

and everyone's like, the fuck? Once I start to look really old, I think there's also going to be a lot of like someone's grandpa and then you come in and you say something weird and everyone's like the fuck What's I start to look really old? I think there's also gonna be a lot of younger comedy fans are gonna remember me and like well, let's put that guy in this Yeah, and all the shows would be like seven seconds long and on like a weird platform You need to pay $40 a day for And you'll never see it but you look'll be like, I guess that was fun. Back to my mansion. I think you too as actors, I think it will be fine getting old.

I just think that at a certain point, if I want to make stuff, people will be like, and no one really. Well, no, when, when, when really old people start pitching ideas, you know, you gotta go. Once I was, no, no, no, there's some, there's some really old people in this business, you know, you got to go. Once I was, no, no, no, there's some, there's some really old people in this business who are making things. Totally. Totally. I think what you have your legacy established.

Here's the thing, if you keep working, I think you're okay. If you just never stop, you know, it's, it's, I did work with someone once who, um, had worked for a while and then had a family and hadn't worked in like 10 years and then was like, I'm getting back into it. And then they pitched just like the worst jokes. And I was kind of like, oh boy. You gotta stay current. You gotta stay current.

You gotta stay on the internet 10 hours a day. Oh boy. I got some bad screen time notifications recently. I need the phone. I'm up 9%. I made myself last night. I made myself, I watched three hours of a new show. I actually did have lasagna for dinner last night You did? This is crazy. How did I know that?

I was watching you War of the Worlds on Epix which is very well done, but it's extremely grim. There's like not a light moment in it I mean that that that recent Tom Cruise film was grim. I was surprised by how fucking dark it was. Yeah. But I, I like, I was, I was looking at my phone when the first episode started and I was like, you know what, I'm just going to, I'm going to put it over on the charger and I'm not going to, I'm not going to look at it. And it was actually, it was difficult at first because it was just the reflex of like,

I'm gonna grab my phone and whatever. Yes. But then it felt so good that I made myself do it. I agree, it feels, it feels so good to focus on something, especially like a nice, like a piece of art, like a show that's like- Yeah, like a Fast and Furious movie or-

Well, even that, it's like, you know? You know what, even that, exactly. Just to go, I'm watching this. This is what I'm watching. That's 99% visual anyway. You know what I mean? Someone was writing an essay on the movies the other day. Thomas Swift? They said that if you watch something on cable,

it's too easy to dip out after 10 minutes. Because of the commercials? Whereas if you... Or even just like streaming, it's too easy to go like, eh, I'm not interested in pick up your phone. Whereas if you're forced to watch something in a movie theater, after maybe a rocky 10 minutes, you can start to enjoy something

where you would never give it the chance. Oh yeah, I remember the rocky 10 minutes picture show. Yeah, of course. I also want to point out, I met Jonathan Swift earlier. Amy, wait! Who did you say? I said Thomas Swift, I don't think, oh, Tom Swift was like a yeah

He's like an adventurer something. Yeah Wait, so before I make a great Tom Swift, by the way What I think he's a kid, isn't he? Yeah You and your kid outfit ghost makeup. Who's Tom Swift? Is it Huxen? I Kind of I think but like a later period, I never read any of those books, but I think he was like from the,

was he like from the 50s or something? He's from the 1910s. I just remember him as a reference. From the 1910s, wow. Like reading Tom Swift time novels, you know. But it looks like it went into the 50s, like the style of the books got more. Yeah, by the way, thank you to so many listeners

for telling me that the stories, the books that I read were the Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Uh, that was the three adventurers or the three adventures. Yeah. Was that the one where people were trying to figure out that quote that you? No, that was something different. Okay. Um, I also want to mention touching back on the the missing dog Georgia story from earlier, that I have had a sort of fear of dogs getting,

missing, being missing, ever since I was young and read the Beverly Cleary Ribsy novel, which was part of the Henry Huggins universe. Tig told a funny story on her podcast, on the episode with Ed Helms, where she loved that book so much that she did it for book reports for like many years. And then like in middle school, they're like, you can't keep writing books.

You can't keep doing Ribsy. I read Ribsy again. It's still good. Still good. Nothing really new popped out of me. She was part of the Tendrils crew. Circling back to that. The Tendrils crew?

Where the world is going to be a little bit more interesting. Yeah. knew popped out of me. She was part of the tendrils crew. Circling back to that. Circling back to that. The tendrils crew? Where the rat dropped down in the middle. The mouse dear boy. Sorry mouse.

The dead mouse. We talk, dead mouse. Sorry what? Dead mouse played this party. Dead mouse played this party. He dropped down and gave it 20. Like Spider-Man. And Tig had tendrils?

Yeah, she was a creature. She was like an H.P. Lovecraft thing and she had tendrils. Yeah, she was a creature. She was like an HP Lovecraft thing. And she had tendrils. She wrapped them around her necks. Tentacles! Tendrils are hair! We are not making any sense now. Tendrils are hair! Tendrils are hair!

Tendrils are hair! Tendrils are hair! You don't think Bozzie Bozzie Goop? What about Bobbity Goop? You don't think that's the title? What was it? This is like some soup to me. Bobbity Goop. This is like some soup to me.

Everybody go to bed. All right, we have to take a break. We'll be right back with the Three Jerk. This message is brought to you by the Kola Guard Test. Kola Guard is a one-of-a-kind way to feel more in control of your colon cancer screening through a use-at-home test with none of the prep that's required of a colonoscopy. The Kola Guard Test is the only FDA-approved non-invasive screening test that looks for both altered DNA and blood in your stool.

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Any positive results should be followed by a colonoscopy, not a replacement for colonoscopy in high-risk patients. The coli guard test is available by prescription only. Hey guys, I wanted to tell you this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I also wanted to tell you that but Scott You beat me to the punch. I was gonna say it and then I didn't get to say it. Did you want to say it? No, okay. Hey guys boo. Oh Yeah, Halloween is coming up. That's why I need to prepare you Yeah, Halloween has a way of making us confront our fears in a fun way, right? It's very true

I'm Michael Myers. Yeah, we dress up as creatures, ghosts, Michael Myers. Things that go bump in the night. Yeah. I dress up in the night, I can't see my bed frame. I know, I dress up as someone who didn't pay the election bill. But what about those everyday fears, the ones that don't come with costumes or candy, gears? Oh, like my anxiety and self-loathing?

Yes, that's right. That's where therapy steps in. It offers a space to confront those fears big or small. They're big. Because let's face it, the hardest thing can be not facing them at all. Therapy has a remarkable ability to help us dig deep, understand where our fears originate

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You visit BetterHelp.com slash Freedom today to get 10% off your first month. That is BetterHelp. How do you think we spell help? H-E-L-P. That's right. Dot is better help. How do you think we spell help? H E L P. That's right. Dot com slash three. We're back, everybody. It's us from before. We're back bitches. We're the bitches and the bitches of bags.

Don't go over as a mother of four. It's also the rhythm of the do do do do. And guess what? It's three time as was foretold by the ancient prophecy. This is a game called Political Candidate. It is submitted by Nicole Kezdy. What a fun name. There's a Z in there. Fun Nicole. Oh.

Two people become a political candidate. But what? Nicole with a Z? You are so far away from the mic now. Zicol. The mic was actually Zicol. Zicol. I know, but we can't hear you. Two people become a political candidate being interviewed at a political debate by the third

person. The candidate speaks by having each person say one word at a time to form the sentences has to include a platform campaign slogan and a closing statement. So you say what you're running on, what you're running for, what your slogan is and what you're running to. Um, everybody understand? Yeah, of course. It's so easy to understand. And we did it. Well, that's to understand. Play this. It's so easy. I've already done it in my mind.

And we did it. Well, that's the episode. Thanks for listening, everybody. What? That was fun. Okay, who's going first? Okay, good question. And that was also my question.

Alright, Lauren and I will go first. Okay. Candidate, thank you so much for meeting with me today. This is an exclusive interview. I'm the first to talk to you about your campaign and what you so much for meeting with me today. This is an exclusive interview. I'm the first to talk to you about your campaign and what you are running for, what you want people to know, and any final words you'd like to give. So let me ask you this.

What is your platform in essence? All I want is to show the world I want is to show the world that my little idea is great. Okay, but you haven't really said what the idea is. What is the idea? What are you, why are you running for office? I believe that everybody has the right to shit wherever they want. Okay, is that the only? Yes.

The only plank in your platform? That's it? Yes. Yes. But only plank in your platform that's it. Yes. But. I. Also. Will. Say.

That. There. Is. One. Little. Exception. What would that be? I.

Don't. Ever. Want. To. Shit. Again. And. I. Don't want to shit again. That seems unrealistic.

What is your slogan? What are you hoping people will? I'm always singing. singing. You've got a chance with Mikey. Your campaign slogan is, you've got a chance with Mikey. Always. Oh, I'm sorry. Your campaign slogan is, I'm always singing, you've got a chance with Mikey.

Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. And okay, what, but just, I know you're running short on time. What would you like to leave people? Got. Plenty. Of. Time.

Okay. Name your biggest influence in running for public office. I. Really. love Lil Rel. Howry. The comedian. Yes. And actor. Reductive.

Comedian and actor is reductive. Also game show host. Thank you. Alright, now I'm running short on time. What would you like to... Please! A little more! What would you like to tell people before we close out this interview? Stop listening to the Windows 95 theme.

All right, just writing this down. Stop listening to the Windows 95 theme. All right. Well, good luck. Bye. Bye. All right. Okay.

Now, Paul and Scott and I will be the interviewer. Okay. Oh, I'm so excited to get to speak with you, Mr. Tim Tum. This is such a big day in our city. We are finally going to hear your platform. I'd love to know what it is that you're running for. What is your main platform? First,

you must increase your limits of your mind. Oh, okay. So I'm coming with open mind. So what is the main part of your platform that you want to talk about today? Hallucinogenics are the best way to open your doors to perception, a la Huxley. A la Huxley. A la Huxley?

The writer. OK, I don't know if I've heard of them, but that's great. So do you have something else you want to say about your platform? Oh, yes. We, I, have a secret slogan. Oh, that's exciting. Oh, a secret slogan, I'm sorry. Bah.

Humbug. Oh, I think that one's been used before. Ebenezer. Scrooge. In. Christmas. Carol. But.

I. Say. Boo. Carol. But I say boo bum hug, which is very different. Right? So your slogan is boo bum hug? That is correct. Like? This is great. You. Like. This is great. You.

I. Knew you. Would. Period. Let me ask you, do you have any anybody who really influenced you for to want to run on this campaign on this platform? Actually, Madonna in truth or dare was so electrifying. It made me shudder to orgasm.

Oh. to orgasm. Oh, I'm sorry to say I feel like you're on the verge of being canceled. Fine. Okay. Well, that went about as horribly as it could. I'm going to go back to the newsroom and not report on this. Wait. What? Hold on.

You know, interviews are... Scary. Honestly. And I need to tell you something. I don't have any testicles or toes. You really didn't have to tell me that. That is honestly information that we don't need as the public. But thank you so much for your time, Mr. Tim Tum. I will say, I don't think you're gonna make it onto the ballot this year,

just judging by the way the crowd has dispersed here. Wait. What? People were listening? Oops. Yes. Okay. See ya.

All right. Very nice. Now Paul and Lauren, here we go. It's so nice to see you. I know we have a long relationship and I know you personally, and that's why I was hired to do this profile piece of you, but I just wanna say that none of that

is gonna get in the way. And even though I know you so well and nothing you could say would surprise me, but I think this will just be a friendly chat. So first of all, just let's get the basics out of the way. Why did you want to even run for office? This is a difficult thing to talk about. Thing. To.

Talk. About. But. I. Always. Wanted. To. Be.

A. Emperor. But. We. Know. That. Is it. A.

Thing. Here. Well, sure, I mean, you've talked about wanting to be an emperor ever since we were young children playing in the schoolyard. that is it a thing here. Well, sure. I mean, you've talked about wanting to be an emperor ever since we were young children playing in the schoolyard. You are always saying,

I love the emperor in Star Wars and Palpatine is my hero. And so I knew that going in, but why here? Why now? Well, finally, I can tell you that I'm dying. Oh, of what?

A big disease. How big? So big. Oh, God, that's horrible. How long do you have left? One. Hour. Oh, no. Well, I don't think that's good for your chances. I. And. Two.

Decades. Oh, OK. Well, that's I mean, that opens it up a little bit then. I think I can see why you would want to spend your last 20 years on earth. I mean, you may die before that, not of whatever disease, big disease you have, but you may like, you know, get hit by a bus or something. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. So it's great that we're taking, you know, our chances while we have, you know, breath still in our bodies here. So I think that's wonderful.

What is your platform though? One thing I want to accomplish is recalling all senators and replacing all congress people with birds. Uh, birds. Okay. Or. Uh? Or? I. Will.

Destroy. This. Nation. Okay, that's, I mean, that doesn't sound like a really electable, do you have a slogan though? I mean, it's not very catchy. All. People. Are.

Dirt. Aliens. Gross. I. Hate. You. All. So wait.

So. Oh, much. So! Oh, much! Yeah! All people are dirt, aliens gross. I hate you all so much. Yep. Gah! Ah!

Gah? Gah! Right. Okay, well, surely there's one thing you're gonna do on your first day of office. Poop. In. A.

Glass. Glass, it seems like it would be hard to get that in there without a funnel. Right. I've. Thought. About. This.

So. Many. This. So. Many. Times. Don't. Cry. It. Fine. I'm sorry, this is just making me emotional. I've known you for so long and to think that you've been thinking about shitting in a glass

for this whole time while we've had so many meaningful deep conversations on my end and you've just been thinking about shitting in a glass for this whole time while we've had so many meaningful, deep conversations on my end and you've just been thinking about shitting in a glass the whole time? Well, that's the way the brain works. Yours maybe, not mine. No. I was focused on our conversations. All brains do.

Okay. Look, I honestly, I really think you should see someone about this because it seems like you have some sort of mental, you know. I'm trying. To. See. Someone.

But. You. Keep. Getting. In. The. Way. I'm stopping you from seeing a therapist?

I mean, look, I don't know what I'm doing. Answer. The. Phone. Please. Oh, hold on. I am getting a call. Wait, it's from you.

Oh, okay. Hello. Hi. It's. Me. Are. You. Home? Yeah. I'm with you. Can. You. Home? Yeah.

I'm with you. Can. I. Talk. To. You. Or. Anyone.

There? Uh, yeah, why don't I pass you on to my associate? Great. Oh, okay. Hi, how are you? I hear you need to talk to someone. How about you're having mental problems? to talk to someone. I like your mental problems. Want therapy now.

Now? OK, well, I'm available, but you have to meet my rates. If that's OK, I'm four dollars an hour. Oh, that's too much. Too rich for your blood. No, but. It could be cheaper. I'll do it for three, three dollars an hour. What do you say? No. But. It. Could. Be. Cheaper. I'll do it for three, $3 an hour. What do you say? Deal.

Talk to me, tell you what, I'll do it for 10 cents if you just tell me your problem in the next minute. I. Wants. To. You wants to what? Oh, I thought I said want.

Speaks. He wants to speaks? Oh, I thought I said want. Speaks. He wants to speaks. Abouts. Problems. With. Yeah. Me. Poops.

Why are you talking like Popeye suddenly? I. Guts. To. Speaks. Likes. Popeyes or eyes gets poops well every pooping is natural so you don't speak like Popeye to try to stave that off I just go ahead and do it and then you know, you'll be a no. Oh, Jesus Christ. It not on the phone itself.

Put that other guy back on. Oh, you don't like me. I still want my 10 cents. You fucking cheapskates. See you in hell. Hi. what happened? You were talking to my- That.

Guy. Was. The. Most. Irritating. Person. I. Have.

Ever. Met. That's my husband. Heard. Of. That's my husband, you can't say that about him get out of my

life Just because I married an irritating person Yes, or stay married So either get out of your life or stay married. OK, I'll stay married and stay in your life, I guess. OK. Do you want to hear my slogan?

Yes. Have you been working on it because you had you had a really terrible one? Everyone should suck their own dingle. Okay, the look, I'm sorry. I don't know what's happened to you within the last 10 minutes, but I don't want to be your friend anymore. I've been going to the therapist. No, that's part of the 10 minutes that I've been having a problem.

Can I please level with you? Please. Yes. What's going on? I'm suffering from a serious attack of the disease. The aforementioned disease that you didn't tell me, just the big one? You're having an attack right now and that's, is it causing this behavior or you're just having an attack and it's unrelated? It's. Unrelated. Okay.

Well, so you're just an asshole now. Hey. You're. Being. An. Asshole. No. I'm.

Not. Okay. Are. Are you making fun of how I speak? Yes, I've never brought it up. We've been childhood friends ever since we were young. I've never made fun of the way you speak. I'm the only person. Everyone in school made fun of you all the time. And now you act like this to me.

You. Emperor. And now you're saying words on top of each other at the same time. Emperor. You. Emperor, you. That's not even a school. Freak. Yeah, I'm a freak. Is that what you're saying?

Just one word, freak. That's it, that's the entire sentence. Address. This. Emperor. As. Emperor. You're not an emperor yet.

And with the profile I'm writing, you're never gonna be one. Eat. Dingles. Okay, and by the way, no one calls dicks dingles anymore. Okay, especially when you're insulting someone. Do. Okay, look, I love you.

I gotta go. I. I. Love. OK. Look, I love you. I got to go. I. I. Love. You. To. So. Kisses. Get. A. Divorce. All right. The end. We're out of time. The end.

The end. The end. Well, that was fun, guys. Great to see you. What a fun season this has been. It has. Up and down with the pandemic in person on Zoom, all over the place. And you'll have things you'll want to talk about.

I will too. Go, what was it? Go-dee-doo. Bwah. What was it? Scavity boot. Scavity boot. All right.

Love you. Bye everyone. Love you. Bye bye. Hi everyone. Gloria Riviera here and we are back for another season of No One Is Coming to Save Us, a podcast about America's child care crisis. This season we're delving deep into five critical issues facing our country through

the lens of child care, poverty, mental health, housing, climate change, and the public school system. By exploring these connections, we aim to highlight that child care is not an isolated issue, but one that influences all facets of American life. Season four of No One is Coming to Save Us is out now wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Lupita Nyong'o. My new podcast, Mind Your Own, is a storytelling show that navigates what it means to belong, all from the African perspective.

We're going beyond the headlines to dive into nuanced, intimate stories from Africans around the world. I'm so excited to bring this show to you. Listen to Mind Your Own on Amazon Music.