Threedom - Threevisiting: The Bed is Lego

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss FitBits, American Idol and a special Lauren’s Topics before playing Bad Judge. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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100! We did it. We did it. The amount of planning that that took to get us to say 100. The text thread that's been going for months. You really didn't trust us on that one, by the way. You really didn't.

I really, well, to be fair, how many times did you forget? Three. Out of the three? Freedom forgotten. I knew I would catch on if I forgot something. Catch on. You'd go dead at the end? Once I saw two out of three people doing it.

Well, guess what, everybody, it's our 100th episode. We fought and scratched and clawed our way to this one. To the top of the podcasting heap. Yeah. We did. Who's done 100th episode. We fought and scratched and clawed our way to this one. It's at the top of the podcasting heat. Yeah, we did. Who's done 100 episodes? Not a lot of people. Yeah, a lot of people, they'll do one and a half and then midway through the first run

or the second one even just say like, I quit. After the second episode? Yeah, just right in the middle of it. And to be honest, I wanted to. Look, I ran out of stuff to talk about in episode two. We know, you've been lying the entire time. And it's impressive by the way, just the stuff you could pull off the top of your head

to make it sound like it really happened to you. It's called improv baby. It's called improv baby. And this is not like experiences from your life, it's like stuff you've read or just stuff you imagined. Yeah, all sorts of stuff. I recognize one story from a million little pieces, that book.

But look, a hundred episodes, that's nothing to sneeze at. If you did, you shouldn't have done that. from a million little pieces that book. But look, a hundred episodes. That's not that a sneeze at. If you did, you shouldn't have done that. That's over 100 hours of nonsense. Who bet against us? Who bet against us? What was the line in Vegas? Me. You bet against us? You're making a time. You're the Pete Rosen Podcasting. Did you think we'd actually go? 50?

Years? Yes. Do you think we'll actually go? 50 years? Yes. Do you think we'll get there? This is our 40. Can you? Forty six more years. We might. I would like actually, I would love to be 96 years old still doing this show. And we'll chronicle everything that's happened in our lives up until that point.

I mean, I'm definitely going to be just talking about nothing at 96 years old, for sure. No, you don't know. Will we be repeating stories we've told before? Definitely. Will we be pretty? Will we be rich? Here's what I say to you. What song is that?

Que Sera Sera. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. Just making me think of this other song. If, am I? If you wanna be pretty the rest of your life. Take a man as your wife. It's, am I not pretty If you wanna be pretty the rest of your life, take a man as your wife. Am I not pretty enough?

Is my heart too broken? Is that a Ram Trucks commercial? Do I talk too much? Like a rock. Ooh, like a rock. Do I look broken? Do I make you laugh? Oh, say can you see?

Lauren, would you sing the Star Spangled Banner at a Dodger game? And do it in that voice. I would love to. Because you have a very distinct rock voice. A real fake rock voice. It's really distinct. It's known. Yeah, I'd love to. And I would definitely start laughing during it

and give up. D'Arcy Carden, whom we all know, got to throw out the first pitch. You really put the apostrophe in there. Well, that's her name, D'Arcy Carden. D'Arcy. She got to throw out the first pitch at a Pittsburgh Pirates game.

I saw that. How did she do? She did very well. It was a good pitch. Did she make it across the plate? Yes, she did. She's on the league of their own show. Oh, okay, yeah.

So they've been working on it, I'm sure. Yes, and she plays a third, I think a third baseman in the show, I'm not sure. Well, you gotta throw all the way across to first. You gotta have a good arm, exactly. It's a first. So she's- When anyone else talks about you and you say,

ra ra ra. Ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra. I'm happy, that's why I made that noise. Wee, ra ra ra ra. Ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra. We should each have our distinctive noise. Yeahe! Rarrr! Rarrr! We should each have our distinctive noise. Yeah, absolutely. For each of our characters.

Yes, so if people are listening in the dark, they know who it is. Mine is... We say it before every line. Rarrr! Wait, that's too subliminal. It's a little bit of a subliminal version. You're just cribbing his. You're just trying to go up, I'm going down.

Rarrr! She pitches it to the mascot, who is a parrot, Pittsburgh Parrot. Oh, yeah. Why? But he moves a little ahead of the plate. Because it sounds like pirate. Oh. It's flimsy.

Oh, a pirate. And also a- Is pirate not okay? No, but pirates have parrots as little pets. Oh, but pirates is the name of the team? Yes. I wonder if on a pirate ship they ever get confused They're like hey parrot. I'm sorry. I meant pirate. You think they're calling you

Do you think if they did that they would stop doing it's like oh it does sound bad do pirates call each other pirates I know they do in the yo-ho yo-ho a pirate's life for me, but are they just sailors and they're like hey Sorry, you're me with that brush. Oh wow Wait, what? Tarring me with that brush. Oh, wow. Wait, what? Tarring me with that brush. What happened with the parrot? Oh, that's his noise. That is for sure.

So she, the pirate, the parrot moved a little ahead of the plate, but I think she could have gotten it all the way across the plate. It was a good throw. But the announcer introduces her and says, you know, she's, she plays the female third baseman on a league of their own. But they're all female. Yes, exactly. And also she's a woman. Yeah. Like if he said she plays the third baseman in the Georgia Peaches in a league of their own, everyone would know exactly. But she's a lady. So, um. That's so weird. I wonder if Darcy is very honored

that we're spending so much of our 100th episode. Darcy, I was listening. I think she's a big podcast fan. We're gonna talk about every listener, by the way, on this episode. Yeah, we're starting with Darcy, who may or may not listen, but then we'll get into.

Just every listener we know, or listeners we assume listen. People who listen in life. Oh, the luckiest people in the world. Just people who actually listen to things? Yeah, just people who listen. People who listen in life. People who pay attention are willing to take criticism.

Aren't they a gasp? But we should talk about our hearing impaired listeners as well. They listen in terms of. Yes, in terms of receiving information. Yes, so we'll be talking about them. But the announcer, in addition to giving her female credit for League of their own.

That's a good way to put it. That's the optimistic way to look at it. She got female credit. Also said, and it sounded like this. She plays Janet on a good place. Like it was the craziest thing you'd ever see. First of all, all four of those words. Janet is not, that's not a stumbling block at all.

A good, or I mean, it's not. But it's not a good place. Maybe somebody put an apostrophe in Janet as well. Janet. Dammit, Janet. He definitely hadn't read it before he looked at it, and maybe he can't see that well. But is he supposed to be reading every single thing

that comes across his desk? I would say if you're about to speak into a microphone, you should be prepared. At least read it a minute. How prepared are you right now? I'm not reading something. I can just spit from the cuff. Exactly. Spit from the cuff!

I don't know that you can. After hearing that. But if I were going to be speaking into a microphone in front of a stadium of people, I would read it one second before I talk. Here's the thing. I would at least have given- What if he doesn't give a shit?

That's what we're seeing. Well, that's what it sounded like. Because all he has to do is read the batting order of the teams, any substitutions that happen. How much does he get paid? I think it's like $300 million. I want to do this job. That's a lot. The get paid? I think it's like $300 million. I wanna do this job.

The stadium announcer for the Pittsburgh Pirates, $300 million a game. A game? I thought you were talking yearly. I have to say I'm glad their mascot isn't a pirate cause that would be dumb. Well, I think it was at one time. They would get too confused with the players, wouldn't they?

Cause it'd be like a guy. Yeah, he'd just be wearing a uniform. He'd be like, hey pirates. Hey pirates. Come on out to the field. People are, but then he would also be out on the field as well. All of you pirates, come on out. That's what I'm saying.

It got too confusing. Like the mascot was always coming out. No, but he should come out. Where's he supposed to be? Just stay in the dugout? He's up in the stands, isn't he? Like humping the fans and stuff. His own trade to the stands is the field.

Is it really? That's how you get up there? Yeah, I'm sure he has all kinds of little hidey holes. I thought there were like catacombs, like Phantom of the Opera. stuff? His own trade to the stands is the field. Is it really? That's how you get up there? Yeah, I'm sure he has all kinds of little hidey holes. I thought there were like catacombs, like Phantom of the Opera. There's catacombs. No, but isn't it like he should be coming up, like everyone sees him coming,

like he walks right up and everyone's like, yay? Yes, that's why they changed it from a pirate, because people were like, my booty. I just mean, if he's coming from the field into the stands, it's like you want to see him enter. Yeah, exactly. He doesn't need to pop up from behind. But I think he does do that for fun too. Whatever.

Welcome to the show. So wait, should we introduce ourselves? Yeah. I got a Fitbit. Oh. I want to talk about it. This is I got a Fitbit. She's one of the hosts of the show.

Starting with episode 100, I got a Fitbit. Okay, this is Lauren Lapkus. She's got a new segment, I got a Fitbit. Okay. She's one of the hosts of the show. Oh, new segment. Starting with episode 100, I got a Fitbit. Okay, this is Lauren Lapkus. She's got a new segment, I got a Fitbit. Yeah. We also have Paul F. Tompkins, who's got a new segment a little later that is gonna be really great. Oh, yeah.

And then I have old segments that I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do Lauren's topics today. You are? Oh, you're gonna do every old segment. What was my old segment? Does anybody remember? Did you have a segment? I think I had a segment, and. I can't remember what you had was about your family. Oh Familia see what about the M&M's challenge? Was that your segment? I kind of shepherded that segment

Yeah, you said like I produced it. That was a great segment. It was a great I was thinking about the other day. We should do another taste test. Yeah, well something equally tasty How about this peanut that's right in front of me? What is it, an almond? It's not a peanut, you fucking idiot. I don't know what it is. You don't know what an almond is? What is it, an almond?

Oh, it's a cashew, I don't give a shit. Are you from Earth? What about this peanut? It's not a peanut. What is it, an almond? It's a cashew. Don't they, all nuts look exactly the same. No, they don't, and that's not.

Don't all nuts look exactly the same? All nuts look exactly the same, except they vary slightly. Walnuts are crazy chunkies. Well, yeah, walnuts look exactly the same. No, they don't. And that's not. Don't. Walnuts look exactly the same, except they vary slightly. Walnuts are crazy chunkies. Well, yeah, walnuts look different. They're crazy chunky. That's why they're in the chunky candy bar. With raisins, boo.

Walnuts are in chunky. No, they're not. I defy you. No walnuts are in candy bars. I defy you to put a peanut, a cashew. How dare you defy me? You hit the jar right next to it. You're telling me, you think I couldn't tell

the difference between a peanut next to a cashew. If, okay. One of them is shaped like a C, depending on the word that it is. Blindfold the nut. Blindfold, it begins with a B. If it was blindfolded, I still could taste the difference. You tasting them? Yeah!

See, that's not part of the thing. What are you talking about, Scott Ackerman? Peanuts taste different than cashews. I'm Paul F. Tompkins. Cashews are creamy. I introduced you already. In any case, tell us about- You said let's introduce ourselves!

Well, then you didn't do it! I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm taste different than cashews. I'm Paul F. Tompkins. Cashews are creamy. I introduced you already. In any case, tell us about- You said let's introduce ourselves! Well, then you didn't do it! Well, because we got derailed! Can you believe it?

This is the sound of a cashew. You really laid into that. Okay, so tell us about your Fitbit. I got a Fitbit yesterday. Okay. So this is really new. Pretty new. And I'm really excited about it. And. So this is really new. Pretty new. And I'm really excited about it.

And everyone in the world knows about these, but except for me. And I was influenced by two people I know, one on Instagram. Two influencers? One is it on Instagram, Ashley Tisdale was posting what her Fitbit and I got into it. And then my friend, Daniel Fischl,

and I do workouts on Zoom together. Hmm, on Zoom, really? Yes. With a trainer. With a trainer. Oh, and the trainers also owns it together. Hmm, on Zoom, really? Yes. With a trainer. With a trainer, oh, and the trainer's also on Zoom? We both had babies recently, so we were doing this together. Yes, the trainer's also on Zoom.

How many did you have? I had one. How many did she have? She also had one. Okay, so two. Two babies? We each had one, yeah. Why did you decide to go Fitbit as opposed to Apple Watch?

Well, Mike has an Apple Watch, we cannot find it. So it's somewhere in the house. Even with the Find My, it's not hooked up? Yeah, Find My Watch. I don't know if we've tried that. Did he ever, like is it still in the box somewhere? No, no, he's had it forever and he never was wearing it and then I was like, I wanna start wearing it

and then we couldn't find it. It might be dead. And so I bought this. It's probably dead. So just on principle, you're like, I'm not buying another watch because yours is dead in the house somewhere I wouldn't buy an Apple watch it felt like too many things. I didn't really want to connect my what if they want to sponsor us? Well, I would do it for that, but it connects to my phone

I didn't know what was going to and when you were calling where I was stuck on the phone It was buzzing and saying phone phone with Paul. That's so you're on the phone with Paul F Thompson tells me how many Steps I take, and I really am excited about this. How many do you, how many have you, I mean, you've had it one day. We have talked about steps before.

Yes. And you guys were incredulous at the idea of doing 10,000 steps a day. 10,000, yeah, it's too much. Okay, but you're- During the pandemic, it's too much. But let me tell you something, I know, I agree with you, but let me tell you something.

The one day I went to the office. I got ten thousand Right. Okay. Listen, so ashley did you walk there had a baby as well? And so she was her trainer has her on a thing with her fitbit where she's supposed to take 14,000 steps a day now. I saw that and I thought that's insane that I do two steps a day There's no way right? But one to mike one to the fridge exactly I sit on a swivel chair in between. But it is what time?

Two thirty? I've taken 2638 steps today just going around my house. Yeah, you're never going to make 10,000. I am! If I go for a walk. If you go for a walk. Well, that's the thing is I am on the Peloton and that doesn't count towards it. Yeah, could you get off that?

We're trying to do this. Peloton is biking. Sorry. Stop trying to work out while we're recording. I need to see how Cody's doing. But biking doesn't count as steps. That's what I'm saying. But yeah, it's not steps.

Is like, I'm exercising, I'm just not doing the steps. Right, but this thing also tracks my exercise. I met some exercise goal I didn't know I had. Okay. So anyway, it also tracks my sleep. And that's what I'm also interested in because I don't get much. Mine tracks my sleep as well.

When do you charge it? I don't know, I haven't only had sleep as well. When do you charge it? I don't know. I haven't only had it a day. Okay, you got it yesterday. So it tracked your sleep last night. Yeah. How is it doing battery wise right now? I'm at a solid 58%.

Oh, not bad. I'll make it. My last 10 days, I believe. You have a Pippin or an Apple Watch? It's neither because it's hard to explain. But anyway, it's- Oh, because you can't say the name. I've already done 9,762 steps today.

Where the fuck did you go? What? Okay. I went to the gymnasium in the morning. Well, there you go. I did my workout with this too, but it's all in my room. By the way, we're over at Lauren's,

we're over at Lauren's studio, so. Yeah. Yes, first time. That's fun. This is exciting. First time. Also, we have not all been in the same room. I've never had anyone in here. We're being very blase about it. We have not been in the same room together in quite a long time. It's fun. This is exciting. First time. Also, we have not all been in the same room. I've never had anyone in here.

We're being very blase about it. We have not been in the same room together in quite a long time. It's insane. And it's very exciting. Weirdly, I had to get used to it. I agree, I felt weird. Can I tell you how many steps I have?

I feel weird. I don't like looking at you. I feel weird in my tummy. I gotta go home. I'm gonna call my mom. I'm here and I only have 779 steps. But is that what your phone is saying? Cause my phone was like, you've taken 200 steps.

Well, cause I was carrying my phone during those moments. Yeah, well, I- So you're saying it would be more or it would be less? Yeah, cause there's times where I don't carry my phone where I also walk around. Okay, I also was sitting- Believe it or not. Sitting on the couch for a long, long time

because we had a house inspector come over and I didn't want to disturb him or go into other rooms. So I was just like- Do you pretend to be asleep on the couch for a long, long time because we had a house inspector come over and I didn't want to disturb him or go into other rooms. So I was just like. You pretend to be asleep on the couch. Yeah, I'm like, inspect this bitch. You pretended to be asleep with your middle finger up. On your lap. Shh, what?

I'm not doing anything. Oh, hello. But so you've taken 700 steps. 779, yeah. And then. You wanna walk around a little? Yeah, that's the next, we should do that at 200. Let's see, that's what gets- Does it give you- We should do one

where we're walking a circle. Yeah, does it give you alerts of like, hey, every hour it's time to walk around? Cause my Apple Watch was doing that for a while. It was saying like time to move or something. Yeah, yeah, I had the Apple Watch for a while and it was doing that while I was editing, especially the TV show, the comedy- Oh yeah, you were never getting up. You were just never getting up, and it was doing that while I was editing, especially the TV show, the comedy TV show.

It was just, you're just never getting up. So it was like every hour. This one's bugging me. You throw that one away, you grab another one from the pile. What episode? Yeah, episode. This one sucks. Or watch.

You throw the laser disc at the wall. There was like a period of like eight months where we were using laser disc in school, and it was like really cool. Really? Like I feel like in high school, they were like, it was like records that looked like a DVD. Yeah, I know what they are.

I'm telling the listener because they might be younger than me. True. I doubt it. If there's any listener out there younger than Lauren, let us know. We've learned our youngest one is six and she certainly isn't nowhere near.

Oh, that's right, yes. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck. Little woodchuck. Yeah, that's right, yes. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck. Little woodchuck. Yeah, exactly. That filthy woodchuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. He loves to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Ew, ow, hey. That's good, you should do that in Comedy Bing Bing. I probably will. Let's just do that right now instead. Let's workshop some characters. Okay, okay, here's what I've been working on. Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt. Oh, that's your noise. Is that your noise should be we should not be able to

imitate it so that we can't because yours right they're gonna try yeah we can do it too but okay what what's something you make go to the bank and they ask you to make a noise. Yeah, yeah What noise can I make that no one else can make it? No, can't do it No, like a horsey I can't do it you're like the the quiet place Yeah, like that monster. No, just like a movie. I wish you would shut up. I wish you were I wish you would shut up. I wish you were in Quiet Place. I wish the Quiet Place would shut up.

I spent the movie wishing they would shut up. Speaking of- Of the Quiet Place? Little woodchucks. Oh. I just finished watching the show on Netflix called Sweet Tooth. Have you seen this?

Yeah, based on the comic. Netflix wants me to watch it. And it has a little baby that has like a dog face. It there, well, there's a little baby who's got a deer face. Oh, okay. There's all these hybrids born. Oh.

And so they put makeup or maybe CG all these babies to look like human animal hybrids. I heard they put them through surgery to make them look good. Oh, that's good. Little babies, they made them have surgery to look like these animals. No, I feel bad, I watched it.

And then the paycheck for acting wouldn't even cover the surgery. So they couldn't afford to get changed back. Did they even get tapped heart lead? No. So they'll never be in the union. No, they'll never be unionized. I wanted to ask if you've seen the Goop show.

What that is? That's the Gwyneth Paltrow. It's the new Gwyneth Paltrow show where people are having sexual issues in their relationships and then these sex therapists like lay them on a table and they're like, make them try different things together. Like, so like this one couple is like, by the way, is this, is this what it's about every episode?

Uh, yes. So far I watched like four and so I think it is like, they kind of focus on different couples. So Gwyneth Paltrow has narrowed her brand down to this. Her brand is fucking. I mean, she gives out dildos. She gives out dildos. Like at her premiere, she gave out dildos.

But anyways, they lay on a table and basically there's this one couple that's having some sort of issue with each other sexually. They keep coming back. It didn't work, Gwyn. Will you please film us and watch us fuck again? And then there's like a sex therapist. He's like handing the man like, here, take this chain and drape it over her butt.

And then- What? Her butt? Probably not. Her sexy butt. Her rear end. Her anus. Her anus holder. Drape it over those sweet cheeks.

Anyway, it's pretty intense. Is that what your show's about? So do we, does the viewer watch them have sex? They don't have sex, but they do stuff. Like? Fingering and stuff. Whoa. So far.

They show fingering? They don't show it, but she's lying down, he's up there, we are, they're just telling, the lady's telling him what to do, he's doing it. He's doing it. Are they finger fucking or finger blasting? I think it was a whole different genre They're just telling, the lady's telling him what to do. He's doing it. He's doing it. Are they finger fucking or finger blasting? I think it was a whole different genre

because they were working on something that they had not done together. Finger therapy. Yeah. Okay. It's important. Interesting. The picture's not about that.

And what's this on HBO? It's on Netflix. Okay. And I thought, well, how could you possibly be on this show knowing everyone you know will see you? Will not only see your problems, but see you naked, I'm guessing. Are they actually naked?

Or problems. Some do show their bodies to some extent. Yeah, and then see what your... And then watch you get it on with your partner. What if they were wearing like ski masks, but other than that, completely nude? That I think would be... And little ski masks on the tip of their penis.

And then like they also would have, cause if you saw their penis, you'd know who it was. Right. And they also have like ball gags in. I knew that tip. So you can't hear them talk. Yeah. And they have eye masks covering their eyes.

Cucumbers. Yeah. They're laying down on a table, ski mask. Ball gags. Ball gags. Cucumbers. Cucumbers over their eyes in order to- Rest of it's naked, except penis has ski caps. Penis has ski caps.

Penis has ski cap title. Penis has ski caps. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. We have, I feel like we have to take a break. How long have we been going? Don't say anything. Okay. Ooh, the chocowallery.

What's so sweet? Two and two, two and two. Is sweet tooth good? I really liked it a lot. Yeah, I hear it's great,, the chakalari. What's so sweet? Two and two, two and two. Is sweet tooth good? I really liked it a lot. Yeah, I hear it's great, and the comic is really good. There are adorable, the kids in it are adorable, but there's also some animals that are more animal than human,

and there's one called, I believe his name is Bobby, who is like some little gopher guy, and he's fucking adorable. Who's better, Baby Yoda or Bobby? Baby Yoda is the gold standard. Bobby's pretty close. I've only seen one episode of the one with Baby Yoda. Really?

If you had given birth. There's so much good Baby Yoda. If you had given birth, and I'm not saying you have, but if you had given birth and the baby happened to look like baby Yoda, who we all think is cute, but you would think it's disgusting and- You know what I'd be worried about? She took the words in her mouth.

No, no, I think baby Yoda is cute, but well, I guess we know what he looks like when he gets old, but that middle part- Well, it's not, it's Grogu, it's not. But I mean, he's the same- But I mean, that's very old. Yoda is very old. Like we're talking 900 years old.

I guess I'd just be worried about, you know, teenage Yoda. Like with a little wispy mustache? And he has the force. He's got the force, he looks like an alien. I'm just saying purely looks. Like we think Baby Yoda is so cute and we're like adorable and we want plushy toys and stuff. I think I'd be pretty scared if that came out of my pussy.

Yeah. Yeah. What if it was a C-section? That would make more sense. I don't know. All right, we have to take a break. When we come back, we have a very special guest. No, we have a very, we're not doing guests.

Of course, this is freedom, but we have a special guest. But we do have a special guest. But we do have a special guest. You're gonna love it. But we have a special version of Lauren's topics. Oh, we do? Yeah! Okay.

We gotta get caught up. To some extent. To some extent. And don't forget about my new topic that's coming in the FedEx. That's right, that'll be amazing. All right, so we'll be right back with more of Freedom. 100! 100!

See, I caught on. I think there's a reason they call it a health journey. 100! See, I caught on. I think there's a reason they call it a health journey, right? It's because these things take time and any program you're on should not be selling some one size fits all fix to all your nutritional questions. Weight Watchers has been the trusted authority in this space for decades. It's because they want to help us all towards building healthier habits. And now they've introduced the Weight Watchers Clinic. If you qualify, you can access doctor

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That's n-o-o-m dot com. Hi, I'm Emily Deschanel. And I'm Karla Gallo. And we're here to bring you Boneheads. The official Bones rewatch podcast. 16 years ago, we met on the set of the TV show Bones and have been friends ever since. I played Dr. Temperance Brennan. And I played Daisy Wick.

We're starting from the top and working our way through all 246 episodes. The show last a very long time. Very long. Tune in every Wednesday to laugh with us, to cry with us, to cringe with us and hear all our juicy behind the scenes stories. Boneheads from Lemonada Media is out now wherever you get your podcasts. 100. Okay, no.

100, I caught on. 100. Welcome back, and as promised, for all of you Freedomheads out there, you know that we- Hey, shitheads. That's what our fans call themselves, remember? They call themselves shitheads.

They look in the mirror and they say, there's a guy on Twitter who says- I'm a shithead. Yeah, he said, I'm the shithead that listens to Freedom. I have an overnight job and I listen to it. Well, high and mighty fans are shitheads. Well, that was CBB World. Oh, well, that makes sense.

Yeah. Well, then no. That was CBB World. Oh, well that makes sense. Yeah. Well then no. That was CBB World? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, sorry. Those people are shit heads. But if you've been tracking us in our every movement-

You better knock it off. Via private eyes. Yeah. I'm not cheating on you. You know that we haven't seen each other in person for probably- I would say six months at least. Six months, yeah.

We've been longer probably. Last summer, right? We were doing- Last summer? No, no, no. We were doing the backyard episode. Oh, last summer. It's the fall now. What'd you think I said? I guess I was thinking it was like a year ago

that you were referring to. No, we definitely, it was like March or so, I feel like, was the last time we recorded one of these in person. That makes sense. And we haven't, but- Not this past March. Yeah. Did we?

Did we? Yeah. Oh, wait, on the patio. On the patio. There you go. Yeah. Patio? Patio. Patio, yeah. Patio.

So we- I didn't know what you meant. I really didn't understand. But we also ended season three on a cliffhanger. Yes. And part of that was we taped them all before a very special event in a young woman's life happened to Lauren. Her coming out party.

Her dad presented her to society. The ladies are wearing long, silky gloves, and the gentlemen wear a tight on their best tuxedos. So this is time for Lauren's Topics, and Lauren, take it away from here. Lauren's Topics? Childbirth. I had a baby. Childbirth.

But it makes me think of the 1-800-Collect commercial. I had a baby, it's a boy. We had a baby. Okay, good. But it's a girl. So it's the opposite Okay, good. But it's a girl. So it's the opposite of 1-800 collect? Yes, it's, what's the other one? It's like the evil 1-800 collect. Remember that meme? Oh yeah, from the Star Trek

universe. Remember that meme going around? Yeah. Anyway, yeah, I had a baby. It was really intense. Was it? Yeah, and I will say it, no up a dirl. No up a dirl. Not taken. Wow. Was it what you expected it to be,

were you fully prepared or did you get in there and you're like, holy fucking shit, this is not- No, it hurt more than I could ever imagine. And I think the- What did it feel like? Like if there was a pain that you could liken it to? I honestly couldn't compare it to anything. It was the most pain I've ever been in in my entire life.

Really? The contractions were extremely painful. I didn't understand that those would hurt so much. You just thought they would maybe be discomfort or something of like, oh, someone's shifting around. Yeah, or like, it's happening or something, but it was like, I couldn't even see.

So I was like- You couldn't see. I couldn't open my eyes. I was, I had a doula. That's different. Yeah, I could see, but I chose not to. I went blind. I had a doula and that is a person,

if you're not familiar, who helps a woman through childbirth. And so it was very, I didn't want to get one. I honestly, I think maybe it's a Midwest like mentality or something, but like I- I'll just do it myself. Kind of. Is that your jacket?

Is that your baby coming at you? I had never heard of anyone doing that until I moved here. And so it felt like a little unnecessary. It felt like cheating. It just felt like I just didn't even know why I would want that. But my friend, Jonathan Silverman, who I worked with on Good Girls, really convinced me to get a doula. And he helped connect me to somebody because his wife used one and they thought it was just so amazing. And it really was because she helped me through the entire process and so I was like in a lot of pain but just having her there kind of like talking to me and like guiding me and

Does she help with the forms? Like paperwork? Yeah. Like filling out the baby's names? I did those in advance. Oh, that's where I would want the doula to come in. Like the 1090 die? Yeah. Hey, could you do this for me? Yeah, there's where I would want the doula to come in. Like the 10.99? Yeah, hey, could you do this for me?

Yeah, there's a tax form? Yeah. You gotta get your baby's taxes all settled. W and I of your corporation. Well, the contractions were extremely painful. So I basically was on my feet for like 12 hours like walking around with her, not able to sit down because it felt better to walk and to sit down.

So where were you in the, can we talk about that? Where were you in the first contraction? I was at home. I'll never forget where I was. Yeah. Where were you? I was at home too. I'll never forget where I was.

Well, I had what is called prodromal labor, which is when you go into labor a bit early. Pro-dromal? Pro-dromal. I- Pedromo? Pro-dromo. Pro-dromo. Pro-dromo. Too hard. Make it something else.

Yeah. Early. Early. So for like a week I was having some contractions but just once in a long while and it wasn't really anything. And so the first, like a week before did you have a first contraction? You were like, oh what is that? Yeah, like during the night I was like, oh I think it's happening happening and then it just wasn't I went to sleep and that was it and that kind of

Happened a couple of times and then I was talking to my doula cuz I was like it feels I was my baby was born Eight days past the due date. So it is passed by that point. I believe I was wondering what was happening Cuz I was like in time. Yeah, I was sort of like my mind. I believe I was wondering what was happening. Cause I was like- At that point in time. Yeah, I was sort of like, I maybe Lauren's not announcing what's going on or I don't know, but I didn't want to check in in case something weird was happening. I remember looking at my calendar,

then looking at my phone and just going back and forth. Yeah, every 10 seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I fell asleep standing up. Yeah. Like a bat. Well- Yeah, like a bat. But upside down. That's right.

Upside down bat. So she told me, because basically I was checking in with her while this was happening over the week and she was like, I scheduled an induction because I was like, at a certain point you don't want to go too far. But there's some cons to doing inductions too. So I was kind of like not sure if I wanted to do it. But I scheduled one and then the day before I actually went into labor, I called and canceled my induction

because I was just like, I'm just gonna wait. And then- I'm just gonna wait. The day that I was supposed to be induced, it did happen. Okay, so it was meant to be. But my doula told me the day before, she's like, go somewhere, take your mind off it, don't think about it, because you're thinking too hard. Where'd you go?

We went to the Grove. I went to the Apple store and I got a new iPad. And then they gave me free AirPods. Did you call your baby iPad or AirPods? Yes. Beautiful name. That was pretty fun. Is there any kid out there named iPad or AirPods?

For sure. Please send us their info. There were kids named COVID and Corona. COVID and Corona, really? Corona I kinda get it. COVID. Man, I remember- Well, Corona is a real name.

Not to sidetrack you too much, but- It's also a nice thing. It's a crown, yeah. But Corona t-shirts were really popular when I was in high school, like when I was 17. So I got one at the local market and I bought it and my parents were so upset at me. Wow. Sure.

Like beer. I was like, no, these are just really popular. Like everyone wears them. It's like a Hard Rock. Yeah. They're like, uh-uh. And then you get- Thrown in the trash. Wow, they threw it out. And then they beat me with a switch.

They made you pick it, of course. A light switch. Oh, weird. This is making me hurt. Do you know know when the Hard Rock Cafe was a big deal for a very brief amount of time? People would wait around the block for a t-shirt. Oh my God, it was so cool. Yes. People get the t-shirts from all over, they collect them.

Yeah. Now no one gives a shit. Yeah, so your baby Hard Rock Cafe, is that the name? That is her name, yes. That's a beautiful name. HRC. We're out of time. Wait, wait a name. That's a beautiful name. HRC. We're out of connection. Wait, wait a minute.

We're in a connection. Holy shit, she's a hard rock cafe. Well, so I went to the Grove and- So you're in the Apple store. And I was huge, I was huge. And you were just sticking out, like you were the width of- I looked like I was about to give birth. Right.

And I got free AirPods, and I think it was because of that. What? Cause the guy was like being really nice to me, and then he gave me free AirPods. I'm gonna stick a pillow into my shirt, go in the local store. Oh, my contractions.

Hey, let's give free AirPods to that fat guy. I just wanna get a phone case. Oh, free AirPods, thank you. You're a fat ass. This guy was so fat I felt bad. I gave him free air but he was so fat his stomach hurt. He's having good traction. Your mom was so fat she got free air pods.

Oh my God. So that becomes a cliche. So you're at the Grove, was that the only place you went? Then we went to, we also popped over to Silver Lake on the way home and stopped at a coffee shop. Wait, so you go to the Grove, you only go to the Apple store?

I went to a couple other stores because I was looking for a crib skirt. I had a last minute nesting sort of thing. So Mike doesn't get turned on by the crib's legs? Oh God. But no stores had them. What are my favorite things anymore? But it was still COVID-ies, you know,

so I'm kind of like zipping in and out of places. What about the fountain? Did you like run through it or anything? I didn't make a wish or anything. Trolley? No, there's no fountain at the Grove. Yes, there is. Yes, there is, but it wasn't on.

Dumb shit. It wasn't on, fucking asshole. Oh, because of droplets, you dick. What about the trolley? The trolley's gone. They're not running it. The trolley is not there. I was just there.

The trolley of the Americana is there, it almost ran me over. What? Different day. New baby. But I did take Holly to the Americana, trying to have a little outing by myself. Holly's first Americana trip.

Yeah, it was a nightmare. It was so busy, I was like, gotta get out of here. But. Yeah. Anyways, so the next day I was at home, and I was just up in the morning. What. But anyway, so the next day I was at home and I was just up in the morning. What'd you eat though the previous day? Oh, good question.

Well, I did get the salad that's supposed to induce labor from Coyote Pizza in Studio City. What are you saying? There's a famous salad that people say helps induce labor. Now I ate it. Who says this, Coyote Pizza? You know, here's the thing, everyone I know who's had it, it has not worked for them.

But it worked for you. No, because I didn't have it the day before. I had it like a few days before. Okay. And it was a lot of dressing. Yeah, what's in it that would induce? I don't know, they don't tell you. They don't tell you.

There's a hidden ingredient, but it's basically a balsamic vinaigrette on a salad. Huh. Yeah, it's an epidural. Yeah, just put epidural juice in there. It really gets things going. And next day I woke up and I was just hanging out and then I started having contractions for sure and it was really hurt.

Okay, so these are like, this is the morning. Yeah, but I didn't wake Mike up because I knew that it would be a long thing. So he sleeps what, like five hours later than you? He, at the time I was letting him sleep in because I was like. Baby's coming, he's gonna be up all night. And I don't want to wake him up too soon with this

when I'm just gonna be sitting here going through this for a while. So I think I didn't wake him up for like four hours. Did you think that you would be, it would be, were you prepared? You thought it was gonna be a long time before you went to the hospital. Yes, and my doula was gonna come to the house.

Okay. And we were going to labor together at the house. Because I have a friend who went into contractions and her husband was like, okay, let's get you to the hospital. And it was kind of like, they were both just taking it easy. Five minute trip to the hospital.

She had the baby like right outside the hospital. I mean that's extremely lucky. Eugh. Nothing goes that fast. Was this her first baby? No. Hold on a second. Oh that's why.

Okay because it just slipped out? First baby takes longer to come out. Oh. None of these stories have mentioned the stork yet. Well he doesn't come until the baby's here. Okay. He delivers the baby. So at this point I'm just a lady with a bump.

So- Waiting for a stork. Your friends show up and the baby's there on the sidewalk in front of the hospital? Yeah, that's basically what happened. Because the stork couldn't get inside the hospital. I've never heard of such a thing. Because the chimney was closed.

Someone had closed the flu to the hospital chimney. The stork goes down the chimney in the hospital with a baby in a bag. A bag? Yeah. And you have to say paper or plastic. Yeah. And then he releases the baby to you.

Yes. Well, as my beloved was coming to the house, it was getting to be too intense. By that point, Mike was awake. And I was sitting on my pillow, the ball. Were you saying like, ow! I was trying to watch TV and just not think about it. What were you watching? Well, it's funny because at one point I was watching Good Girls.

Were you watching this goop thing? Because it was a new episode that I was in. Oh, okay. Where were you watching? Well, it's funny, because at one point I was watching Good Girls. Were you watching this goop thing? Because it was a new episode that I was in. Oh, okay, so you're watching yourself on TV. If I can't see myself, my baby will be curious. Well, because I wanted to see the episode and then I was like, this is ridiculous. So I did take a picture of myself

because it was sort of stupid. But I was watching that and I was watching some other show that was too intense. Oh, it was Mayor of Easttown. Okay, yeah. I was like, this is so horrible. It's too intense for you, yeah. Yeah. Does Holly know you're on TV yet? It's too intense for you, yeah. Yeah. Does Holly know you're on TV yet?

She doesn't, she hasn't seen a screen. God. She doesn't understand the concept. You're raising her without screens? For as long as I can. How long do you think it'll last? I would like to go a full year without her looking at screen. Full year?

So, but you're gonna still watch TV because you're watching Goop. Yeah, I watch whatever I want. I am. You're a bro and has a woman. Yeah, my brain is formed. Ryan Casas' privileges. It's my opinion.

Everyone can do whatever they want and a lot of people do what their babies want. I think you could go a year. Yeah, I think it's fine. I'd date two. I'm gonna be like, this is what daddy does. Just turn around and watch it. I never really thought much of it

until I babysat for a woman who would not love. This is right before you were in movies. You babysat a grown woman? No until I babysat for a woman who would not let... This is right before you were in movies. You babysat a grown woman? No, I babysat her child. She dressed as your bonnet. And she didn't want her baby to see a screen until she was one. So I was never letting her look at the TV, of course. And then kind of didn't think about it.

But then I've been reading up on this. There's some thought that it's better to just wait a little bit. I don't know. Do whatever you want. I think it's fine. Obviously we all probably looked at TV before and we were fine. I mean, I've been watching TV since I was-

And you're fine. And you're fucked up. I think I'm okay. I don't know. My brain hurts. So the doula came over and you're like, this is getting- She didn't get here. I actually was like, I called her.

And said, meet me there? I have to just go. I'm getting too old for this shit? It was getting too intense and I thought, they won't be long before I need to leave anyway, so let's just go. Right, and Mike's up at this point. He's like.

And he's excited. He's excited. And he's getting everything together. This is embarrassing at this point, but who is Mike again? Yeah. So he's the guy that I live with. Oh, a roommate.

Oh, okay. So he's helping you out. Why'd you need a doula if your roommate's not? What a great roommate. Why he's not a doula? Highly recommend doula for anyone out there who's- Highly recommend a roommate as well. Got a baby coming.

Worth it. Cause she also, she's just very calming and she helped him too. It was just like, she kind of told him what to do the whole time. It was great. Like sit down, shut up. Kind of, yeah.

At one point she was like, you need to step away. She's getting annoyed. Really really what was he doing? He was trying to help me, but I was starting to annoy, but I was being really nice the whole time I that should be made very clear that I was I never never did the whole I was like really nice. We have a routine about I I was very nice the entire time. I really firmly believe that. But at a certain point she could tell that I was getting a little agitated with whatever he was doing.

Like rubbing my shoulders or doing something but I was kind of like, not right now. Like, cause sometimes that was good and sometimes it wasn't good. Right, right, right. But yeah. And it went on for hours and hours. And then ultimately.

So you were in the hospital for hours and hours. Yes, the labor was total. It was 12 hours until she was born. 12 hours. And like two or three hours of pushing. Do you know when people, when I would hear that when I was a kid, like I was in labor for 18 hours, I always pictured it all happen, all taking place in the hospital. Yeah.

But it's not. Yeah, it was total. It's like from the moment you start going to labor, you could be anywhere and that could ... Do they tell you at the hospital, like don't even bother us unless it's, or do they say- They let me in because sometimes they want people to wait, go back home,

because it's like too soon or something. But I was like unable to walk the second I got in there, but it was, it still took a long time. But then- Does it feel like you need to take a shit, honestly? No. Does it feel like a stomach? When you're pushing, they do say to push as if you're taking a shit.

I did not shit by the way. I would like everyone to know. Okay. So you were nice and you did not shit everywhere. Which is pretty cool. Very lately. That's a good experience. I was nice and I did not shit.

Both of them would not have. So, so it feels, does it feel like. Sorry, how do they phrase it when they tell you that? Push like you're pooping. Okay. Does it, does it feel like a kick in the stomach or does it feel like a kick in the vagina? It's really deep within your body and it's like your whole belly and stomach and vagina and butt and everything like really hurts.

It's like it just hurts so much. I was grabbing the counter like in pain. Yeah. Is it a sharp pain? What kind of pain is it? It's like it rolls in like it was like like, and they were happening every couple minutes, so I'd have like a couple minutes of nothing, and then it's like, no, here it comes.

It's like, it's horrible. And you still remember it because they say, like, if you have a second baby, it's like your mind just forgets. Well, honestly, during it I was thinking, how could anyone do this more than once? I literally was like, this is crazy. And then later in it, I was thinking, oh my God,

people give birth like in the woods and they have nobody around. Like, I don't know what I was thinking about, but I was just like, I'm like, oh my God, people give birth in the woods and they have nobody around. I don't know what I was thinking about, but I was just like, I'm like, I could do this. I was just trying to psych myself up. And then afterwards I was like, I could do it again. It's really weird.

Really? It's like a weird mind trick. Yeah, because you forget everything. So would you do an epidural the second time and why no epidural the first time? I was interested in not using one when I talked to my doula. To experience it. Because, yeah, well, I just was like,

I'm kind of afraid of the needle going into my spine. Oh, you have a sensitive spine? I was just a little, I had heard a story that kind of made me nervous about it. Oh, really? And so, but it was just in my head a little bit, but it was a woman who, basically, they, it was someone I know, they did it wrong,

and, but she didn't know that. And then she had this headache that was like insane for days. And then when she finally went back to the hospital, they figured out that it was like there was a leak or something. Yeah. It missed the spot basically. I heard there's a story that I heard about a woman and that's why I won't wear a ribbon around my neck. Yeah. You don't want your head to just fall off. Yes, exactly, who would? Yeah. Well, anyway, so at a certain point-

Well, anyways. No, I'm just gonna tell you that I did say to my doula, I'm interested in that, but I can't imagine I would ever not have an epidural. I'm just curious what it'd be like if you didn't. No, I mean, the first time I had a meeting with her and I was like, she asked me like all my opinions and all these things, and I was like,

that's intriguing to me, but I don't think of myself as somebody who avoids medication. I can't imagine that I would do that. And it sounds really hard. Now the pain is like, this is what I've heard. It's like if you drop a remote control on your foot and you're just wearing socks. It's like when you step on a Lego

and then walk into the foot of your bed. Is it like barking your shins? Barking? You ever heard that? No. What if you step on your bed and then walk into a Lego? That would hurt. Yeah.

Step into your bed and walk in a Lego. No, cause the mattress. No, you step on your bed. Like the mattress? Step on your bed and the bed is Lego? The bed is Lego. I love that show. Bed is Lego. I know a friend who was on it. Bed is Lego? The bed is Lego. I love that show. Bed is Lego.

I know a friend who was on it. Bed is Lego? Speaking of the floor is lava. I have a history with that show. What? What? What a reveal. What a reveal.

Okay, do we have time? I guess we do. Yeah, we have to. We might have to cut this out, but Gabris and I were, we had a meeting to possibly host that show and then nothing happened. Whoa.

I think you could say it, who cares? I've mentioned on this show that I was in the top 10 or something to host American Idol. You were? You've never said that. I've never said this. No. That would be fucking insane.

It would be really weird. It was because they wanted a duo because the one in- And who was your partner? It was my old comedy partner. Wow. And I was so fucking broke, and I was trying to figure out what the show was, right? I was like, because they're like,

it's based on this English format, and it's very popular in England. And they were like, we don't know how it's gonna do here, but you know, it's very popular in England, at least. So I got all these like English music magazines and they were all talking about it, but they were talking about it like everyone knew what it was. Like it wasn't like an article that said like,

this is a program that does this or whatever. So I just would read these like articles about this sensation that we're talking about it. Like you all know what this is and you all know the players involved. And so I was like, don't tell Scott Huckerman, whatever you do, don't explain pop idol. So we we went in and we we auditioned and I remember divvying up the the the responsibilities where I was going to sort of drive it and my partner was going

to sort of make jokes. You know what I mean? And I was going to riff on the jokes. He was the breaks. Right. He's the breaks. Oh no. And we aced the first audition in front of like the Simon guy who not Simon Cowell but the other guy. The Simon guy. Like not Simon Cowell. The guy who says.

The guy who says if you lose the show. Yeah. Simon says he you host the show or not? Simon says you host the show. So I remember it being like. You host the show. Ah, you don't host the show, I did not say Simon says. And I was so broke and I had no money and I think that was the summer my car was repossessed

and all this kind of stuff. You broke and you had no money? Yeah, it was a terrible combo. When it rains it pours. And I was just like, I need this, I need this, I need this. And then I remember getting to the final callback and looking around the room

and it was all people who obviously were paired up. And then Ryan Seacrest was there by himself. And I'm like, they're just gonna give it to Ryan Seacrest. But you already knew who he was? Yeah, yeah. Well, because he was still a very popular disc jockey here in town, you know? And I was like, they're just gonna give it to Ryan Seacrest. But you already knew who he was? Yeah, yeah, well, because he was still very popular disc jockey here in town, you know? And I was like, they're just gonna give it to Ryan Seacrest. And he had hosted a bunch of stuff,

and they're just giving it to him, right? Yeah. He goes to the one in England? Did you do an audition? He was auditioning, yeah. But did you see his audition, or did you? No, no, no, we all went into the room, and then the second audition just ate total shit.

You did? And the audition didn ate total shit. You did. The audition itself went poorly. The audition didn't go well. And I was just so bummed and I was like, oh my God, I need money so bad. The amount of money you would have is extreme. No, but I would have been Dunkleman. Yes.

What's Dunkleman? Oh, the first guy. The first guy. I would have known that, I just put that together. But I said, what's Dunkleman? You know, that can't feel good if he hears that. He's finekelman? Oh, the first guy. The first guy. I would have known that. I just put that together. I would have been. But I said, what's Dunkelman? You know, that can't feel good if he hears that. He's fine. Not even who? What's Dunkelman?

Yeah, that's a good title. In any case, but I got very close to, and then, of course, it became like a huge sensation. I'm like, oh, I'm so glad, because I just wanted to do something for the summer. Like, there's no way. Yeah, for the summer. Yeah, that would be crazy. I remember that first season of American Island summer! Yeah, that would be crazy.

I remember that first season of American Idol. Oh yeah, it was great. Because it was only the first season where they had Dunkleman, right? Yeah, yeah, and they were doing terrible bits. Yeah. But that's when Kelly Clarkson won, right? Yeah.

But I mean, great singers. Oh sure. Yeah. But that was a weird, I guess they must have had that- I don't remember him at all. I remember the show. It was very short-lived. They must have had that in the UK version.

It was Ant and Dec in the UK. Ant and Dec, of course. And they were a comedy team and they did all these bits. A comedy team doing bits on the show, on the telly. Oh, that's nice. And then they realized no one likes bits here in America. No one likes bits here. We do not need them.

Yeah. Anyway, so, and that led me to this. Oh, boy. Aren't you glad? Uh. Oh my God. I don't know. Your origin story. I'll just finish my story really quickly.

Finish your story because. Just that I, at the time, I wasn't really thinking, I had written that I was going to delay the medication as long as possible, but then got to a point where I was like, time for that epidural, and then they told me it was too late and I could not use it. So I.

Snooze you lose. Was very scared and then my dou me it was too late and I could not use it. So I was very scared. Snooze, you lose. And then my doula was like, you said you wanted to do this, let's go. And I was like, okay. And then we just did it. And it was crazy. And it was crazy. Would you have been able to,

if you could have held the baby in, could you have gone back the next day and gotten an epidural? I think so. I think they were just like, just today it's too late, but if you come back before it's late, it's midnight.

Exactly. You're fine. It's the gremlins rule you come back before it's late, it's tomorrow. Exactly, yeah. You're fine, it's the Gremlins rule. Yeah. All right, look, I wanna, on the next episode, let's maybe talk about post all this or something, but we have to take a break right now. When we come back, we're gonna play Three-Chir.

Yeah! Yeah! No, I can imitate that one. Yeah! Am I gonna, am I gonna, am I gonna, am I gonna play Three-Chir? Yeah! Am I gonna, am I gonna, am I gonna, am I gonna, am I gonna be a bad bitch? Yeah! This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Do you ever feel like you're not quite being yourself?

Like you're putting on some kind of mask? That's right, tis the season, Halloween. Maybe you're trying to fit in, maybe you're hiding part of who you are. Look, we all love Halloween. October's a fun to fit in, maybe you're hiding part of who you are. We all love Halloween. October is a fun time for masks, for costumes. Vampires? Sure, but sometimes it feels like we're wearing that mask year round.

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a confidence that helps us show up more honestly in our relationships, at work, the other places. If you've been thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Visit betterhelp.com slash threedom today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash threedom. Get ready for a wild, mythical adventure. Melissa McCarthy leads an all-star cast in a hilarious new podcast, Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire.

In this fantastical fictional tale, McCarthy stars as Hildy, an unlikely hero from the land of Golgorath, who must embark on an epic quest with an unlikely team of warriors to save the world. Starring Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone, Octavia Spencer, Glenn Close, and more, Hilde the Barback and the Lake of Fire spins a legendary laugh-out-loud tale you won't want to miss. Hilde the Barback and the Lake of Fire is out on October 25th wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. 100! 100! I couldn't find a note. I caught on. We're here. 100. Guys, what time do you think it is right now? Let me tell you, somehow I've been sitting here

the entire episode, I gained 21 steps somehow. No, you didn't. Let me tell you what I did. That's bullshit. You were waving your phone around. I threw it across the room. Did I get it? Went to go get it. I can't remember what it said before. Yeah, I don't know.

But in any case- I certainly didn't move. Do you keep track of your steps though? I don't really, I just keep track of my exercise and my caloric intake, what foods I'm eating. Do you check in on your heart rate? No, I don't. I find it interesting for today, it's day one. I might not find it interesting in a week.

I would imagine like two days from now, you're never gonna look at your heart rate ever again. Okay, my heart rate, but I will look at my Fitbit. You'll look at your Fitbit all the time. Next time you have a fight with Mike, look at your heart rate and see what it's doing. I'm up to 97. I'm spiking. Next time you make love, check it out.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. 93. This isn't the goop, I don't like that. Oh, the goop. God, we should host Goop. We should't like that. Oh, the Goop. God, we should host Goop. We should. We should. Oh, like American Idol, I was just gonna say, one of the comedy team, you drive it, and you're like, we think this is really important, and I'll be like, oh, it's so important, I

forgot to think about it. That's a good bit. Good comedy like that. That's the people who are watching people fuck on Goop. Yeah, and there's two idiots behind them. Hey. All right, it's time for a three-cher, shut up. This one is submitted by Kelsey Applegate.

So close to Applegate, but not. So close. And her name is close to Christina, but not. Can I tell you a weird Christina Applegate story? Yeah. And then tell a normal one to balance it out. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So this is part of a restaurant roundup, but by the way, Josh is really laughing at me. I just want people to know that he's giving it to you a lot.

He feels like you need it. Oh, my God. All right. Let's hear your story. It better be weird. So I was at Chin Chin. Oh, here we go. Waiting tables. Restaurant roundabout. Waited on someone outside on the patio. I think you've told this story already. Already, yeah. Well, I'm not sure.

And there's this older guy. This is this older guy. Christine Applegate. In disguise. She was dressed like a character from I Think You Should Leave. She was reverse white chicken. That sketch on I Think You Should Leave is so funny.

It's so funny. I don't even wanna be around anymore. I love it, oh my God. I think you should leave. She was reverse white-chicken. That sketch on I think you should leave is so funny. It's so funny. I don't even wanna be around anymore. I love it, oh my God. I don't know what it is. Oh, it's really funny. You're missing out. No, I've seen it. I just don't know what it is.

Oh, the one where the guy goes to do a prank at the mall and he has like that whole costume on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I do the whole meal with this guy and then the guy goes, hey, you wanna know something? I do the whole meal with this guy. That's what they call it in the train of thought.

He's like paid. Oh, I did a meal with this table over there. They're the worst. He's paid. We've settled the bill. He's tipped and everything. It's over. There's no more to talk about as far as I'm concerned.

We shouldn't be seeing each other anymore. Then what? He says, you want to know a secret? Oh God. I go, sure. He goes, you know, Christina Applegate? I go, Oh yeah, you did tell us. Okay. And he goes, I'm her dad. I go, sure. He goes, you know, Christina Applegate? I go, okay.

And he goes, I'm her dad. I'm her dad. And I go, cool. Hey, you're Christina Applegate? I don't know whether it's true or not though. I'm her dad. I really hope it's a lie. I hope it's a lie too because-

I'm just gonna fucking do that. You could be so many people's dad. I will be. Who's dad realistic? Well, I mean, like he didn't look like Christina Appleby. You could be anyone's dad. Exactly. You should go to Appleby's.

Adam Driver. And you say, hey, can I tell you a little secret? I'm Zendaya's dad. Hey, you know Christina Appleby? You named this whole restaurant after her, you don't know her? I'm Zendaya's dad. I'm Zendaya know her? I'm Zendaya's dad. I'm Zendaya's dad.

They call me Zendady. A secret. I'm so proud of her. Why is it a secret? Want to know a secret? I'm very proud of my famous daughter. Don't tell her, she doesn't know I'm a dad. That's how it's a secret.

I think he even said, do you think she's hot? Before... Ew! No! Yeah, I think it was, hey, you want to know a secret? I go, sure. He goes, you know Christina Applegate? I go, yeah.

He goes, you think she's hot? That piece of ass. I go, yeah. He Yeah, I think it was, hey, you wanna know a secret? I go, sure. He goes, you know Christina Applegate? I go, yeah. He goes, you think she's hot? That piece of ass. I go, yeah.

He goes, I'm her dad. That's fucking weird, man. I hope it's not actually her dad. Well, I hope he didn't say that. I, no, he did say it. Oh. He did not spray it? He did, no, no, no.

And he made a better door than a window, I have to say that. All right, tell us about this feature. This feature submitted by... It wouldn't be freedom, by the way, if I didn't tell a story that I'd already told on a previous episode. It's true, it's true. So I'm glad that we did it. Kelsey Applegate is called Bad Judge.

Remember Batsanta? Oh my God. He did things that a Santa should not do. Well, because it was unexpected. A Santa should be caring and give toys and only work on December 25th. And Bad Santa, I'm assuming, yeah. Well, he works on December 24th, by the way. I'm presuming, yeah.

The Santa, he should not smoke a cigar or do curse words, but he does all of that and more. He's a vile Santa. Which, they should have called him a vile Santa. He's disgusting. They should have said, if you like Santa, don't see. Don't see. Yeah.

I bet if they made bad Santa now, he wouldn't get the vaccine because of cancel culture. He wouldn't get the vaccine because of cancel culture. That's what, that's, that's what bad Santa's would be like now. This game is called bad judge. One person, i.e. the judge, is ill prepared for a case they are presiding over. They enter the courtroom and have to figure out what crime is being tried based off an improv done by the other two, lawyer slash witness, prosecutor slash defendant, etc. The people that populate the courtroom. Sketch artists is not helpful. Who are trying to be vague so as not to give it away,

but are having realistic trial conversation. Though the crime can be ridiculous. It's gotta be really realistic though. Yes, it has to sound like authentic courtroom jargon. Okay, got it. Are you gonna be the judge? The bad judge? I don't even know, I just read the thing.

I feel like I wasn't retaining it. I think I got it. We've done similar things. Basically, you can't say directly what the crime is. If the judge ever guesses. You have to use two big of words. You have to use two big of words. It's gonna go well.

So you have to be vague about it. So if the judge guesses, then the game's over. Okay, and one of us tells the other one what the crime is. Yeah, yeah. Look, I'll be the judge since I think I know how it works. Okay. Okay, and then. You guys pick a crime.

I'll text you a crime. Please text me a crime. But don't do the crime unless you're willing to do the time. Don't text the crime. Can I text the crime from you? Unless you text the time, what? Lauren and Paul are texting each other furiously. Paul is sort of actually a little more haphazardly

tapping buttons on this one. Did you say haphazard? I did. It's haphazard. My lovely wife says haphazard as well. But it's haphazard, I know. It is haphazard. Yeah.

But I also heard somebody else say it recently. Well, it's, I think it's wrong to say haphazard. Although the way it's spelled, it looks- Like morally? Yes. It's a sin. It's a sin. It's a sin. Everything I've ever done, everything I've ever done, everything I'm going to, everything I've ever been done.

We can talk about the Pet Shop Boys on this show more. You wanna hear a weird Pet Shop Boys story? Yeah. They went to Mars. What? What? They usually just go to a pet shop. No, Paul's saying no, he's laughing.

Is the crime okay? It's so specific. I thought it was supposed to be. Or should it just be? That's fine, do a specific one. Or should it be super- Let's try it, let's try it. Let's try it.

I thought it was supposed to be specific so we could talk our way. Yeah, yeah. Or you're saying it should be vague. Talk your way around it. All right. No, we should talk about it in a vague way. Yeah, that's right. I thought you needed some material.

I'm gonna get it in 60 seconds. Oh, you thought I needed some material. I'm gonna get it in 60 seconds. Oh, you thought I needed some material? And wait, who are we gonna be? I'm the person, the victim. Okay. And you're the lawyer? Well, which lawyer though? Am I the, I'll be your lawyer. I'll be the- Yeah, maybe you guys

should both be lawyers. Like one's defense, one's prosecution. Okay, fine. I'll be the prosecutor. Yeah, because normally the client wouldn't say anything. I'm the defense, meaning I'm talking about the victim? Yeah, you're trying to defend the victim. Right, okay.

All right, here we go, ready? Yes. Come on in. What? It's open. We were already here, you're the one that's late. Oh, sorry. You knocked on the door, opened it,

walked into the courtroom and said, come on in, it's open. Are you trying to get a judge catchphrase started? Cause that's weird. Dude. Am I on SNL right now? We are mortified. Who's filming?

We're embarrassed for you. Dude, where's my judge? Guys, I'm a bad judge. That's crazy. I know we're on opposite sides, but that's good. Thanks, I thought it was pretty good. Shut up! Order in the court.

Okay. All right, attorneys approach the bench. Okay. I want a fair, fair trial here, okay? I want you guys to keep everything above the belt. I want you to shake hands and let's get it on. Here we go. He's trying so hard.

It's a bad sign. Your honor, obviously you know the case before you. Obviously, but refresh my memory a little bit. This is a crime that should not have happened. Because. Should any crime happen though? Some crime should happen, yes. Like what?

Abortion. Wait, you're defending a person who did it. Please, let me. Just making sure. I'm into it. Keep rolling my man. The defense would have you believe that my client committed a crime, but I say it is the prosecution.

No, they're the prosecution. They're the defense. I'm the prosecution. Okay, you're defending the person. Yes, you're defending the person that the crime happened to. The victim. No, this doesn't make any sense. The victim.

You're representing the person. Yes. Yes. You're the prosecution. You defending the person. Yes, you're defending the person that the crime happened to. The victim. No, this doesn't make any sense. The victim. You're representing the person. Yes. Yes. You're the prosecution. You're the defense. I'm the defense.

Yeah, I'm saying you should go to jail. Yes. Okay, so you're defending... Yes, the defense would have to believe. So this is a crime that shouldn't happen? Wait. I think this is a crime that shouldn't happen. Hold on a second. Hold on a second.

Get your shit together, bro. Your honor. Focus. Focus. What my client is being convicted of is not the crime that we should be focusing on. I object. Oh, wait. I want to hear this. I want to hear this. What do you got? This thing was so bad that happened to my client who had it was slaved for years to have everything that she has to have it removed from her in such a way. Oh, your honor. This is this is a burglary. We're talking about removal.

My client being removed from his place of birth against his will and placed somewhere. He has no idea what to do there. This is a kidnapping charge then essentially. And running across state lines? Your honor. Yeah. Please, can we focus on the case at hand? OK, so that's not that's a different case I'm thinking of.

Yes. It's not kidnapping. Yes. I wish we were trying that case here today. Sure. Yeah. This is a kidnapping would be a little bit more cut and dry. This is burglary then.

This is a property that was stolen. Yes. OK. But my point is This is a property that was stolen? Yes. Yes. Okay. What? But my point is, was it a property that was stolen or was it a honey trap to lure my client and get him in hot water? Whoa. You think that my client purposely enticed your client to come to her home and take one of her most prized treats. So this was, this, this was stealing a dog's treats. Ooh, that's very unkind.

You're calling my client a dog. I look, I call some like I see. So she is an ugly, ugly, please order in this court. If I call you a dog, you're going to sit there and you're going to like it. She is an ugly ugly. Well I never. Oh, please ma'am. Please, order in this court. If I call you a dog, you're gonna sit there and you're gonna like it. Well I never. It could be very simple. It could be- You always.

It couldn't be that your client did it premeditated. Perhaps your client is, she is getting on in years. Perhaps she's senile. Okay, so you have an old lady client who basically was lured over to your client's house in order to, Is that right? Or do you have a client? No, it sure isn't.

I have a... We all have clients, Your Honor. Can you blame me for being confused? I object. All right, I gotta take it. My client was peacefully... You think sustaining is when you hear what it is? Yeah, no, I'll sustain because I wanna hear it.

My client was peacefully sitting in her sitting room. Perfect. When she saw one of the most terrifying images go past her home, this client. I object to that characterization, your honor. Is your client Rick Astley? No. Okay.

My client, although my client, will never let you down or hurt you. He's never going to run around and desert you. Okay, good. Good to know. My client never would either. Okay, fair. I think that someone came over to this old lady's house, right? Your client went over to this old lady's house. That much seems clear. My client was in the vicinity, yes. And what you believe was lured over there by this possession that was stolen? I'm saying my client doesn't know better. Your client was supposed to be locked up to begin with.

Your client is a werewolf or a dog? Neither, your honor. He's right here. Wait, come over here. Explain your occupation, sir. Talk a little more. Okay. Is your client a monkey? He's not Very very that's the exact words that he said when he saw my client through her window So well, so they're trying to me

he saw my client through her window. So my client or me? The client. So I think that's, I don't think, first of all, I don't think you speak the same language. So that's very, you're, what you're saying is ridiculous. He walked up to the window and went, huh, huh. And he then proceeded to do the heinous act that he committed. A heinous act is what is going to be described as taking someone from their birthplace, locking them in a cage and then blaming them when they free themselves.

So this is King Kong? Well, that's very flattering. Is it King Kong though? Or no? That's flattering. No, but it's an animal of sorts from another country? Yes. Or an animal from another country was lured over to this old lady.

The old lady was taking a shower, I would have, I would imagine. You would? Weird creep. Lathering up her wrinkly ass titty. I said she was in her sitting room, so you're the one who would imagine she was in the shower. You can sit in the shower. She's in her sitting room. When this- Quick sidebar, your honor. I hate getting this stretched.

Oh my God, I can't even with this. Can I join the sidebar? No, your honor. Oh, I object. Oh, sustained. I can't even with him. Can I join the sidebar? No, your honor. Oh, I object. Oh, sustained, I wanna hear it. This is what happened. That thing came up to her window and took something from it. Took, oh, took something from the window.

Okay, so took the- Something that my old client loved very, very much. Took the screen There was no screen she lets the bugs in she lets the bugs Let's them play pinnacle on her snout. I say that my client was not was not Willfully stealing he was he was escaping he had he had no idea where he was or what he was doing He stole the the actual window like the pains off No, what?

Stole something off of the window. Yes a window sill stole the sill no Stole the store It's where a pie might go and yes, it's edible so stole a banana no Is it food? It's where a pie might go and yes, it's edible. So stole a banana? No. Ah. Something my old client loves very much.

My client had never seen something like this before, probably didn't even know it was food. Because- Why never? Look, you gotta give me something to narrow down this food. You've asked your questions and we've answered them. Candies?

Yes. Heart candies? Yes. Werther's Origies? Yes. Yes. Werther's Originals? Yes. I gave you everything you needed, you freak. How could my client know what Werther's Originals- You can't just come into this courtroom and talk to me like that. I was only here when you got here.

I'm holding you in contempt. Exactly. You're the latecomer. Damn it. My client doesn't even know what Werther's Originals are. Well, he does now after he scarfed them down. Well, can you blame him? They're delicious.

So your client was taken from another country, came over here, found these Werther's Originals on the sills, stole them, and ate them. Is that it? Am I getting this? That is all true. Theft implies intent. I maintain my client did not-

I'm ready to rule. Okay. Do you know what his client is? Some sort of animal. Take a look. I mean. You were close with King Kong, just giving him a lot of...

Then you went way far away for some reason. Well, I first asked Monkey. What is King Kong? An ape. Well, be a little more specific. An orangutan? No. No, orangutan?

The old man of the forest? No. What other types of apes are there, or King Kongs are there? Jane Goodall study. Gorillas. Yes. Okay, so you're a gorilla.

No, you perked up. I'm ready to rule. Okay, rule it. Are you ready to rock as well? I am, all right. Here's, a lot like King Solomon. Oh boy. I wanna split this baby in half, okay? Do you have the candy, the candy in question?

It's in his diarrhea. Get it for me, would you? To be honest, he should not have been eating that. I rule in favor of the defendant. Me! I don't know! Yes! Wait, you're the, you're, no, you're the, no, you're the, yes,

you're the defendant. Yes, that's right. I love you. And that's who you want to win. Oh, I love you too. I love you, well look, let's be honest, your client is not long for this world. She does, I don't even know if she knows,

I mean, she keeps saying, I never. Well, I never. Just buy more candy. Just buy, yeah! Oh, that nice little monkey. You have a great story to tell. Okay, little monkey. You have a great story to tell. Okay, yeah, she's got a great story to tell. You think she's gonna say that in between her

just saying, well, I never? I don't know, let's find out. Okay, Granny, why don't you tell us a story? Well, I never. Oof, that's rough. Yeah, I don't even, I don't, you know, I don't wanna turn this into a hearing on whether she's competent to actually- She can write stories. I do. Objection, I would like to turn it into that hearing on whether she's competent to actually...

She can write stories. I do. Objection. I would like to turn it into that hearing. Okay, she can write stories? Yes. Let's read one of these stories. They're 100 pages long.

I can't do this. Okay. Let's read one page of the first story that she's written. Okay. Oh, say, can you see the fire blazing skies and the dastardly red glare? Oh my god. Okay. This is brilliant.

Oh, I mean, I think it's good too. I got to publish this. Look, I self-publish poetry. I'm a bit of a slam poet in my spare time. I also have a vanity press. And I would love to publish you, old lady. You want to publish that? Don't you want to publish with me?'t you ever heard of such a thing?

I publish music articles. Okay, hold on. Both good. It's all my hot takes. Here, here, squeaky toy. Squeak, squeak, squeak. Come over here. Come over here.

Sure, she'll go with you, whatever. Yes. Don't you wanna make friends with the gorilla? No. Well, this is great. I got a great, hot new article, 100 pages. That's going to fill up the magazine. Yeah, it's not an article.

It's a, I mean, it's obviously, it's a- Story. Story. Tome. A tome, yes. To be fair, it's a tome. Okay, so we're going to have a double-sized issue this month.

That's perfect. Double stuff. Of your zine. Your zine is double stuffed this month. All right, get out of my court. That's perfect. Double stuff. Of your zine. Yeah. The zine is double stuffed this month. All right, get out of my court. Okay, bye. Love you. And that's time to play Bad Judge.

Wow, that was fun. Well, we've run out of time for my segment, which is too bad, but thanks everybody. We'll do it next time. We'll do it next time. We'll do it twice next time. Okay, good. Or is it gonna be like Jimmy Kimmel where he's always like,

bad thing, we don't have time for you today. Guys, we- I guess it is now. We're so happy to be back. We're so happy to be here. You can hear us- Guys, we don't have time for you today. You can hear us, of course, anywhere.

You got your podcasts, and then also you can listen ad-free on both Stitcher Premium and cbbworld.com. You can hear these episodes ad-free. You gotta do it, man. sign up for one of those things. So please, if you're listening to this with ads, the ad full version, please support our sponsors. Support our sponsors like Crocs.

Must have my Crocs now. That's the song. Get your Woodroke Crocs. Must have my Crocs now. Must have my Crocs now. Must have my Crocs now, 100. 100, all right, let's try one last time. 100, I caught on.

Here we go, ready? Three, what are you gonna do? We're just gonna say 100 together? We're gonna say 100, okay, here we go, ready? Three, two, one. 100! See you next time. If you would like to submit a feature,

threedom.gmail.com. What are we doing? That'll show up at the end. Yeah, I know. Okay, bye. At Lemonada Media, we are on a mission to make life suck less. That's why we are so excited to announce the launch of our newest show, Good Things, a podcast we specifically created to highlight people and organizations who make our world

a better place. Hosted by a rotating cast of our favorite Lemanada hosts and special guests, Good Things highlights incredible organizations that are solving our country's most complex issues. From working to improve the American foster care system to fighting to increase diversity and inclusion initiatives, this show shines a light on the fixers out there

who are working to make good things happen. Good Things is available now, wherever you get your podcasts. this show shines a light on the fixers out there who are working to make good things happen. Good Things is available now wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, everyone. Gloria Riviera here and we are back for another season of No One Is Coming to Save Us, a podcast about America's childcare crisis. This season, we're delving deep into five critical issues facing our country through the lens of childcare, poverty, mental health, housing, climate change, and the public school system.

By exploring these connections, we aim to highlight that child care is not an isolated issue, but one that influences all facets of American life. Season four of No One is Coming to Save Us is out now wherever you get your podcasts.