Threedom - Threevisiting: Toothpaste Conundrum

Episode Date: September 10, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul and Lauren discuss flossing, Lacoste shirts and pies, before playing Audiobook. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.com. Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.com Grab some new Threedom merch at www.kinshipgoods.com/cbbwSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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in high-risk patients. The Coligard test is available by prescription only. Scott honey, are you sure you're okay? You sound like a goblin. I got a piercing headache right as we pressed record. Oh no. Oh, it's a symptom from the recording you have recording sickness it's when you record for tool it's like the bends are you okay yes benjamin grim it's clobbered time my dogs are barking it's dating j-lo time

uh your dogs are barking you've been at work all day JLo time. Your dogs are barking? They've been at work all day? Yeah. Hi everyone. Welcome to Freedom, the show where we say hi to everyone. And I'm Paul and I say hi everyone. My name is Laura and I say hello to everyone.

Mixing it up. Doing what I want. I'm a crazy bitch. Thank God you said it 90 however many episodes We're all crazy That's another name for us the crazy bitches them three double ice the pretzel gang We have already talked about how we are recording some of these episodes in advance

We have already talked about how we are recording some of these episodes in advance. So this will come as no surprise when this sounds very late, but the gnome is on sale. Okay. The gnome is on sale. It's a dollar fifty cheaper than- Months ago. The gnome was on sale a month ago. If you're in the NSA and you're listening to this, go get yourself a gnome. If you don't know about this, it means you don't follow the Freedom account and you need

to follow the Freedom account, but it is on sale for $1.50 off that's 15% off. And I did a poll in the stories asking if people are going to buy the gnome now that it's on sale. And let me tell you, okay, sure. 61% said no, I am dumb. Sure. 61% said that 39% said, duh, I will buy it. But you know what that is? That's actually pretty good numbers. That's 1,200 people who said that they would buy this. Lauren, can I make a confession?

Yeah. I said I would buy it, but I'm never going to buy that thing. I just want to see the results of the poll. And I want to be positive. And I want to be positive. Scott, you're gerrymandering. You have so many Instagram accounts. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Well, I really want to sell out the Gnome

so that Target sees our power and that they feel our strength. Our purchasing power, yeah. This is like Add to Cart, essentially. Yes, yes. Add to Cart has changed lives. It truly has. Speaking of Add to Cart, I recently was recommended on Add to Cart has changed lives. It truly has. Speaking of Add to Cart, I recently was recommended on Add to Cart

some charcoal toothpaste. And I asked the question, my wife and I, me and my wife both asked the question, does it taste like charcoal? And the host of the show, one of the hosts of the show said, no, it tastes like meat. Which one, just put them on blast. I'm not gonna put anybody on blast.

And let me tell you something, I ordered that charcoal toothpaste and it tastes like fucking charcoal. That's so gross. So we're like the anti add to cart. We're removed from cart. But here's the thing. It's very effective. It is effective. Like I've noticed this is a podcast where we listen to add to cart and talk shit about the things that they want us to buy. we say don't buy them. Which I also did on Add to Cart. We call so. Yes, hi Lauren. So it tastes bad but it works? Tell me more.

It's a whitening toothpaste and like. But it's black. How can it white? I know. It's a conundrum. It's a toothpaste conundrum. Toothpaste conundrum. I know.

Another toothpaste conundrum. But it really does. it has made a difference. Then I heard that it's actually, dentists do not recommend you use charcoal toothpaste. So I figure I'm going to use it until my upcoming dental appointment next month and then pretend I haven't been using it. Is this for dentist pride? Because you want the dentist to be proud of you and how white your teeth are? I need the dentist to be proud. I look, I really did not. I did the minimum dental care during

quarantine. So did I. And by the way, I went for the first time in almost two years because of quarantine. And I was just like, all right, let's do this. What's going on? And they have tooth cancer. They took a look at everything and they're like, all right, good to go, bye. No, see, I always go every six months, sometimes even more frequently. So do I.

Me too. Even during quarantine, I took the chance and went to the dentist because I- Took a chance, took a chance, took a chance. But because pregnancy has caused- I think your mouth is open there. My mouth is open there, yeah, I know that's- It's for a long time.

That's the place to get it. That's the biggest place you can get it is when your mouth is open there. My mouth is open there. Yeah, I know that's a, it's for a long time. That's the place to get it. That's the big, that's the biggest place you can get it is when your mouth is open. I know, but- And the little COVID bombs can get in there. With pregnancy, my gums have gotten very inflamed, which is a common thing that happens. Really?

Where they hurt or sting? They're like just, they go down further than typical. You know, I usually have healthy gums. They're just like a little more. Oh, they're thinner? They're like going between my teeth more. They should be higher up. Oh, so they're proceeding.

Yes. Proceeding. They're like almost covering your entire teeth? Yeah, like, oh, my whole teeth are just pink. And then is Mike like that? Yeah, he loves that. Because it's a really gummy blow job. And I was getting it.

Oh, thanks, Scott. When she cleaned my teeth with this with this affliction, it hurt so fucking bad. It was crazy. It was horrible. And then she told me I should be pushing my gums with this little gum pusher tool, which I don't like using because it hurts. Of course.

Well, I think you're supposed to floss to where it does hurt because that's what activates the gums. I know, but it's gotten so painful. Yeah. Wait, what are you talking about? You're not supposed to just floss to get rid of food in

between your teeth. You need to go up between the gum. You're also supposed to go up and into the gum and try to like make it hurt almost so that it activates the gums. No deal. I agree. I floss a lot because ever since I did Invisalign. Looking forward to the description of this episode, by the way. description of this episode by the way. You can talk about flossing. Well I used to not really floss. And then once I did Invisalign you have to floss with Invisalign or it's really gross. Right. And so I was flossing all the time and now it's a habit. But I really hate it when you actually get it in between the

gums how they do it at the dentist. I like it. I don't know why. I like it. But it hurts but you kind of like it? Is it one of those deals? Well it's kind of like how you love being spanked in Only in bed My god being spanked in bed Scott you got to listen to add to You gotta listen to Add to Cart. They talk about that on Add to Cart?

What if Cool Up just made shit up about you on Add to Cart? She didn't say anything spanked, but she did say other things. Here are the things I refuse to do that Scott wants me to do. Scott looks concerned. When you said we had a lot to talk about, Lauren, this is it? No. Oh yeah,es and flossing? Oh yeah, the gnome was the main thing. Yeah, we had a ton to get into.

The gnomes, let me think, flossing, gnomes. Flossing. Flossing. Gnomes. Yeah, I guess that's it. So you said right before we started the show, Laura was like, we got a lot to talk about. Yeah. Launched immediately into the gnomes, which led us into flossing.

Well, I thought the gnomes might be a bigger topic for you guys. You wanted to move on to really about. Yeah. Launched immediately into the gnomes, which led us. Well, I thought the gnomes might be a bigger topic for you guys. You want to move on? Why? This thing that happened months ago when this drops. The thing that you bought. Oh, my God. Everyone shut up. Well, one of my fears about the gnome is that people aren't going to buy it because it says it needs to be shipped with a $35 order because it's you know, I don't know why is it less than $35

I find that hard to believe the gnome is 850 Very reasonable. Is that the sale price or is that regular? That's the sale price $10 is regular and they also have a nine. They have a nine in Cher now good for you guys Oh, but on the do on the website description It says you could choose between seven feet and nine feet. They've used the wrong indicator. I love it so much. They didn't spell out the word feet, right? They just used the little apostrophe.

If I had a seven foot fucking huge gnome with just a head in my yard, oh my god. I actually think you would buy something like that. I would be more inclined to buy it then. Yeah. Seven feet. That's really an event. I'd invite people over. Yeah. For the unveiling. Guys. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That was the sound of the cape being pulled out. I'd hire a publicist. Yeah, that'd be great. For one month only. Yeah, exactly. Just one thing around my Just to publicize this one thing. Around my neighborhood. I wonder if you could hire a publicist and say, I don't want you to go to media outlets,

I just want you to tell everyone in my neighborhood something. Yes. I want you to go door to door. Would they do it or would they be? Hi. I feel like that was beneath them. I don't know. I mean, publicists are expensive.

For that money? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I don't know. I mean, for that money are expensive. Yeah, exactly Exactly. They gotta do a they're gonna do a hornpipe if I ask him to for that money Hey, I do have I tell me do what have you hired a publicist to spin a sign in front of your house? To promote your projects. That sounds great I'm this very targeted approach I did want to... Propose?

Scott, the answer is yes. Scott's Topics? Yeah! I wanted to tell you the harrowing story of Saturday. Oh my God, we have to hear the whole story. So... Oh, that's right! The HSFS, let's hear it!

Tell us from the beginning what happened. Don't leave out a single detail. Much like how I told about the ambies. Let me just give the headline, this is the story of one of our dogs escaping and being missing. So trigger warning for people who have dead dogs. T.W. Cohen.

Okay, so, it was Saturday. That mirror went on like, the dog didn't die. The dog didn. OK. So Saturday. That made it. The dog didn't die. Very happy and sad ending. You happy? Paul revealed his true feelings about the dog. Something has a happy ending. I mean, sad and sad when dogs die. Yeah.

I'm jealous of that dog, OK? Georgia, by the way, would bark at Paul every morning as if he was a new guy. It got less and less, but that last day, she still got a couple in. Yeah. My dog does not like men. It takes her more time to... Georgia too. To... What is that? I was talking about that with a friend last night because he came over and Georgia was barking at him too. And I was like, it's just all men, you know, it's not a not all men situation. Not all men, oh.

Yeah, but I don't know, like, was it, like, what is it about men? Is it their facial features? It's weird because, well, because people have masks on now, so it's like, it's another level of it where I'm like, there's something happening, but she's had, like the other day, I had to have somebody come into my house

to set up some equipment for a live stream thing. And she did not like this guy. I mean, it was like, it was more than I've seen her go crazy at anyone. Like she was going, woo! Four times and she didn't like, dis guy. Yeah, couldn't even hear what he was saying. She was barking so much, right, in my ear

as we were opening the door. And so I had to lock her up, much like Hillary. Lock her up. Yeah. Nice. Now, were you holding the dog? Is that why she was so close to your ear? No, I mean, she was just right behind me. My feet. She's around ankle high. But the but the barks were piercing and the guy was like, it's fine. You know, and I was like, she I was like, she does this all the time. Lie. She literally hates you. I always feel embarrassed when anyone comes over to fix something or, you know, direct TV or whatever, and the dogs are barking. And I would say 90% of the time, they're so nice about it.

They're like, oh, I'm used to it. Yeah, well, I think they must be. Dogs are crazy. They engage with the dog. If it were me, I would be like, lock that dog up before I get in here. I think with dogs, you just have to ignore, I would be like, lock that dog up before I get in here. I think with dogs, you just have to ignore them for the most part, unless they're particularly gnarly vicious.

Okay, so tell us what happened. Oh, please, Paul. Speaking of ignoring the dog. No, please, Paul. No, no, no, no. Before, before, before. I just, I like, like around my neighborhood, there's a lot of dogs and even if they're barking at me, I like to see them.

Do you know what I mean? Like if they're behind a fence and they're just going crazy, I think it's kind of cute that they're like defending their homes. Yeah. Anyway, good. So what did Georgia do? OK, so there we we found there is a gap in between our backyard fence and the neighbors backyard. Oh, that's convenient for shopping.

You're like Barbara Streisand. It's more of a baby gap. The Barbara Streisand thing is so crazy. Have we talked about that? She had like a mall in her basement. She had a mall in her basement. Isn't it? Well, it's like, it's like she was a mall, but it's not really a, at that point,

it's not a basement if you have a mall. Do you know what I mean? I think we talked about this 10 hours ago. Hours ago? Yeah, yeah. But it was when I went to Versailles, they said Marie Antoinette also had this same kind of, was it Marie Antoinette?

That makes sense. Had the same kind of thing where she had a fake village. Marie Curie? Yeah. So people wouldn't act weird around her. So that she could just stroll through and everyone was told to ignore her. And that's the same thing that Barbara Streisand

had in the mall. But like that is actually crazier. Like it's like I'd be thinking everyone here is pretending they don't see me. How often did Barbara Streisand go to the mall before she got famous? And did she have to buy things there in the mall in her house? And was she like digging for change out of her purse going, oh I think I have a few pennies in here? Is she even real? These are real questions that we need to know. I've never seen her.

Did they ring stuff up and go, that'll be 1183? And then she just points at her face and goes, come on. She's like, I own this mall. I own you. Do you think she has play money? It's like plastic coins. It just goes through like a whole charade. She uses McDonald play money. It's a plastic coin. It just goes through like a whole charade. She uses McDonald's money.

Yeah. And they also give her McDonald's food instead of clothes. No matter what restaurant are you in. She orders a steak. Oh yeah, does she have a food court at her mall? Yeah, she gets a steak and they just give her a McDonald's patty. Hot dog on a stick. I love to watch them make the stuff.

It's fun. I love to watch them. Yes. Oh yeah, yes. Yes, yes. So there's a gap in the gate and- Okay, we got it. It was like-

God, it's like you love polos. Lacoste. There was a lacoste in the game. I bought two Lacoste sweaters in Canada the first time I ever went up there. Oh, because I thought they were French. And I had to drive back. They only sell these here. And I told you, I was stopped at the border and interrogated when I was going up there

because I was proposing to cool off. And I bought two Lacoste sweaters. And I was coming back down and I was freaking out again because I had just been interrogated and they were doing the routine questions and it was like, did you buy anything while you were here? And I was like, two sweaters. And the guy goes, get out of here. Good tip. If you're trying to smuggle stuff across the border. Just say two sweaters. Two sweaters. Two sweaters, don't lock me up.

When I was in high school, I always would go to this thrift store for a lot of my clothes and you could get Lacoste polos in the little boys section and they were so cool. The end. When I was 12, Lacoste, that's when the Lacoste started its sort of thing and it was super popular and everyone in my school dressed like a preppy with Lacoste t-shirts, or not t-shirts I guess, but polos with the collars turned up and all that kind of stuff.

And so when I went to New York for my first big like family trip, there was a guy selling a white Lacoste sweater on a street corner and I think it was $5. And I had like maybe $10 that my parents had given me to spend in New York. And I spent the $5 on this white. They gave you a 10? To spend in New York.

Good luck. I mean, they went to times where I'm like, I paid for the food and everything else we were doing. They're just like, enjoy half a sandwich. They're just like, you're a little walking around money. Yeah, look at a pretzel.

So I spent five of it on this white Lacoste sweater. And I think it was a fake too. Of course. You think the thing they were selling on the street was a fake? You think the Lacoste for $5 was not real? You don't think Lacoste just had too much, they didn't have enough room in their store and they're like, go out on the street and sell some stuff.

And so I was in shop class, woodworking class, and I wore it and the teachers like, you sure you want to wear that white sweater in woodworking class? And some guy had a brush, a paintbrush full of stain. No. And got it on the sweater on purpose Yeah, what's the first day? No, not on purpose Still the first day or he just about he bumped into me and so and we tried to bleach it we tried everything You're like this was five dollars

five of my dollars I I took woodworking in high school and it was so weird that I did that. I should have taken home ec. It was the biggest waste of time. Like we had to take woodworking, metal shop and drafting and I had to use any of those things. Well I took home ec too.

We had to make like pancakes and shit. Yeah, that would have been great. I wish that had been offered at my school. I don't think we had a home ec program. There was like a, it was called VOTEC, vocational technical training, where it was like that was woodworking and cars and stuff like that. But that was like a whole other world in my school. Like that was not everybody.

There was an auto thing at my school too, and I didn't know where that was either. And that was not everybody. There was an auto thing in my school too, and I didn't know where that was either, and it was very mysterious. But for us, it was a simple choice. You could either take home ec or would shop classes. You're either a man or you're a woman. It was absolutely verboten for a guy to take home ec. Right, right.

Like if you had taken home ec, you would have been made fun of immediately. Meanwhile, you learned how to do wood shop and never use any of those skills. Exactly. I've never used any of it, and I failed metal shop, I think. Yeah, because why would you be good at that?

And it was my first F on a report card. I was like, I don't give a shit about this, but it was a big problem with my dad. They should just, I mean, that's just crafting. They should make everybody take home ec. Yes. That's valuable skills. Unless you're like, hey, I really am interested in a vocation of shop work.

Yes, exactly. You know what I mean? Yeah. And there should be barely anyone who signs up for that. I want to take a sewing class. I don't know how to sew a button. Oh, actually, I sewed a pillow. I did a pillow when I was in fifth grade.

Aw. I made a pair of pants when I was in fifth grade. Aw. I made a pair of pants when I was in fifth grade at my friend's house because she knew how to sew. No buttons, obviously. Yeah, they were elastic waist pajama pants. I can sew buttons. I can do like emergency sewing. I think if you're with, honestly,

with your fashion lifestyle, you need to know how to sew buttons. You need to know how to do it. You can't be- It's too true, girl. girl. With me I'm like I don't even iron I just put water on the wrinkles and let it dry. It works. I can rip out. Just wrinkle it. Yeah exactly I do that. It honestly works. I got all the shit I got a steamer. I had a steamer I I left on the side of a road. I was like, I'm never gonna use this fucking thing. On the side of the road? Like after you bought it, what am I doing?

I had it for years and I was like, I've never used this. And I just put it on the street. And of course somebody took it. You put it on the street. People like when you put it on the street because they take it right away. Put a need on it. I use the steamer, not a lot, but when I do,

it's very handy. Like to just like steam out some wrinkles of a suit that I haven't worn in a while. And I also use it to clean some of my hats. Well, on Add to Cart, Cassie St. Ange, I think is how we say it. Casey, Casey St. Ange. Casey, I'm sorry.

She had, she talked about a product that was, this is an Add to Cart recap podcast. That's okay. Well, we know we're going to talk about why the product is bad. This is removed from carton. This is exactly, this was a, a, basically a dummy of a body. It's like an inflatable man's upper torso.

And you put the shirt on it and it like inflates and like steams it so that it is perfect. And then you can take it in the carpool lane? Yeah, and you can do a lot with it too. I remember her talking about that and I absolutely could not picture it in life. Yeah, I had to look it up. Yeah.

It's weird. She was also the one who recommended that toothbrush that I rejected, that I removed from the cart. It's the toothbrush that- Is that the Ionic one that I haven't opened yet? Okay. You need to try and tell me what this is because everyone, they keep talking about

how their teeth feel like glass. Yes. Glass? Like cool up on a suit channel. I don't like to feel like- My teeth are like glass. Like they're, I don't know, steel? I want my teeth to feel like sandpaper.

I want my teeth to feel like shag copper. Do I make you horny? Okay, so the dog got out. Well, there was a gap in the fence. A gap in the fence! Well, anyway, it was about 10 minutes or so. I was, oh, here's the bit of background that may be of interest.

I had taken the shingles vaccine the day before and my doctor said, you're gonna wanna stay at home, take it easy this weekend because you may get some pretty severe symptoms. And I talked to you, Paul, and you were like, I didn't get any symptoms. And then I talked to my mom. Reminder, I had shingles horrible, go on. So pretty severe symptoms. And I talked to you, Paul, and you were like, I didn't get any symptoms. And then I talked to my mom. Reminder, I had shingles horrible.

Go on. So you had symptoms. I talked to my mom and she had horrible symptoms for like three days. So I was like expecting something in there. From the weak Ackerman genes. Right, exactly. If you have had shingles,

you can or cannot get the vaccine, question. I'm not a doctor. I think that you can, because I think that the, it's like a thing that you get every 10 years or something after a certain point. So if you had shingles, well, this is, I don't even want to speculate. You're right, I'm gonna look at-

Yes, if you had less than 10 years ago, you're probably good, but again- Well, no, but I want to look that up because you can get shingles three times. Really? Max? Yeah, I think it's kind of like, yeah. Is it like asking a question from a Phoenix on a bridge? Well no, but I want to look that up because you can get shingles three times. Really? Max? Yeah, I think it's kind of like, yeah. Is it like asking a question from a Phoenix on a bridge?

Phoenix? I don't know, what is it? A troll under a bridge! Well, there's a troll under a bridge, but isn't there someone on top of a bridge too? Yeah, the guy trying to pass! I just played Trivial Pursuit yesterday and I won, not to brag, but... With who? Mike?

With Mike and Joey Mike was there not a with Mike and Joey and my my friend Joey Greer and I won and but there was a question about who you asked riddles to in Greek mythology was wasn't Greek. It was a Sphinx but was that's who I meant, not Phoenix. I was thinking of the X. Oh, silly. Sphinx.

Sphinx. What has three legs in the, you know, four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, three legs at night. Right. It's a man. A woman getting fucked. Oh, Lauren. Sorry.

Well, there was this gap in the fence. I swear to God, if you don't go to the next sentence. Oh, okay. So I had taken the shingles vaccine. And so I was inside, Cool Up was having sort of a get together with some friends in the back. I heard it was a party.

More of a get together, swim get together. And I was taking it easy. I was watching Star Trek Voyager. And I did not really feel any symptoms really, but I was like, I'm still gonna just, you know, take it easy and not be in the backyard. Suddenly Cool Up comes bounding up saying she can't find Georgia.

It had been about 10 minutes and she'd gotten out. And so everyone at this get together mobilized and went up and down the hills. And I counted my steps afterwards and it was 10,000 steps at least. And just going up and down the hills. You just went in your head and you went one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Yeah, I think it was it. And then you just did that forever. And you're like, I think I did 10,000. I think I did 10,000. Well, I was counting, yes, I was leaning my head as I walked. I was like a little kid. I probably did like, um, 10,000 steps I do I do one two, three, four a hundred ten eleven hundred ten thousand my nephew got this watch. That's a phone I'm Scott. This is how the show works. We talk and then I'm just backing off from the dog story Well, the dog story will take the- I'm just backing off from the mic. The dog story will take the entire episode.

No cap, I'm just backing off from the mic. I wanna hear Lauren's story. My nephew got this watch that's a phone. It's a Timex, it's a Family Connect thing for a kid, basically, and then he could call me through the watch. And it's so cute, he's called me a bunch, and it's really, I love it so much. And he called me and said,

I took, I've already taken a thousand steps today. Cause the watch tells him. So then I was like, it's so funny for a little kid to be like looking at their steps. Like I just- I'm waiting on my cholesterol. Uh-oh, my triglycerides are up. Well, I think during quarantine, I mean,

you know how they say you need 10,000 steps every day, which is like, we tried it one day. It's impossible. Unless you're taking like an hour long hike every single day, you're not going to get 10,000 steps. My steps have gone to oblivion in the fucking quarantine. It's like they're pathetic. I'm at 2,000 a day. 2,000 if I go exercise, I gotta walk. Well, we walk the dog. So it's like, I get to 2,000 every day, but 10,000 is insane. And especially going up and down the hills,

I was, thank God I had no symptoms because it was literally two and a half hours of hiking that I was doing. Oh my God. Just going up and down the hills, up and down the hills, calling for her. And everyone was really great. Casey Wilson and Matt McConkey and Casey's husband and Laura Kindred, like they all made flyers

and they started posting them up all around the neighbor. This is all in the space of two and a half hours. But he was a lot like our friend Kevin Sessions dog who got away a couple of years ago, the day after Christmas. And that was a little more dire because we found out it happened at like 12 30 p.m. but during Christmas it gets dark at five. And with all the coyotes we were like yes exactly so he can crawl into your chimney under the cover of darkness. So we were going up and down the hill.

Her, sexist. Her, yes. No, the other one. The dog is a woman. Yes, her. Okay. You think every other dog is every other gender? Lauren, this is embarrassing.

You're talking about Georgia, she's a girl, and the next one had to be a boy. So we were really under a time crunch with that, and it was a big, big area to cover, and we were just... And the owner, Kevin, was out of town. That's the other part. So he couldn't even call. So he's like frantically sending us voice messages that we can play on our phones of him calling, you know?

Oh, I forgot about, I remember this, yeah. Yeah, and I was stung by a bee about an hour into the search. No! And I never mentioned it because I wanted the spotlight to be on the missing dog. But that was, again, it was around like at hour two, you start going like, okay, this is bad. Either someone immediately picked her up

and because she has no collar on right now, doesn't know what to do and hopefully we'll take it to a vet to get the chip, you know, the microchip thing. But, or something terrible has happened, right? So it just feels inconceivable that... Honestly, no. Every time I've had stuff like this, I'm like, they're dead. It's over.

It's like so hard to imagine that they're. So in Cool Up is just inconsolable in the kind of sticking by the house in case Georgia comes back. And really nicely, I put it on social media and you guys retweeted it and stuff, but really nicely also some people wrote some tips, which were,

the two that I did were, put a pile of dirty clothes by the entrance to your house, which we put back by the gate that you got out of. And you're like, no problem, already there. Yeah. Well, we live like pigs, got it. She'll find us. And that's because if she's lost, she can't,

she's able to find her way back because it's a- Yeah, that's really, that's so sweet. Yeah, and then the other was get her favorite toy. So I got a squeaky toy because she goes crazy for toys and throwing balls and stuff. And I was just wandering all over the neighborhood, squeaking and going, Georgia, Georgia. And at about like the worst cover of the song I've ever heard.

Joe, Joe. Cool instrument, man. Go home. So so we you know, she got loose at three and it gets dark now during the summer, like eight. So we still, we still had some time, but at, at, at five 30, I was just like, oh, this is, this is bad. This is going to have a bad ending. And, but I was like, I just can't give up.

And I was exhausted. Like, I felt can't give up. And I was exhausted. Like, I felt like I aged like Obama during the entire experience. And I was just like... You mean very well. You're gonna serve Ford at the end? So I said, you know what, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go back into the sort of like alley, Paul,

that you pointed the birds at when we were taping in the backyard. Like... Bird alley, I call it. Yeah, bird alley where there's bushes and stuff. And I was like, maybe there's a different opening that she got out into the other area or something. And so I'm just squeaking the toy calling George.

Oh, here's the other weird part. We kept kind of hearing her, we thought. We kept kind of thinking that we were hearing her bark, that she barks when like, she wants you to throw the toy in the pool so she can jump in like the excited, like, ah, ah! Yeah. Kind of like really high pitched yap.

And I heard it first time, like, I swear I hear her. And then Casey and Matt were like, yeah, we think we do. And then our neighbor got involved. Oh, that was me. And was like. Was it the nice neighbor or the one who yelled at you? Nice neighbor, who was like, she was like, I think I hear it too. But then two houses down from us,

there were these kids jumping in the pool and kind of squealing. So we're like, maybe that's it. Did you go over and go, shut up, I'm trying to hear my dog barking. But I was back by the fence That's it. Then you go over and go, shut up, I'm trying to hear my dog barking. But I was back by the fence and I'm just like calling out across the entire neighborhood, squeaking the thing, going, Georgia, Georgia.

And I looked to my right and she's, her head is over the fence. Oh. Just like looking at me going, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. And looking at the toy and I'm like, Georgia. And I swear, I thought she had been hiding the whole time or something. I was like, Georgia, ah, ah, ah, ah, and looking at the toy. And I'm like, George, and I swear, I thought she had been hiding the whole time or something. I was like, George, where have you been?

Yeah. What'd she say? And Cool Up happened to walk, Cool Up happened to walk out right at that moment and was like, George. And she ran, and she was just like, squeaking the toy, let's play with the toy. Like, that's why I came back.

So she's like, you know, really focused on the toy. So we shut the gate. Shut the ray. Like that's why I came back. So she's like, you know, really focused on the toy. So we shut the gate. Shut the gate. And we locked the gates as a matter of fact. And I was like, has she been here the whole time? What is going on? And we checked our camera and it's really cute. We have like two cameras on it.

You can see her just like run into the backyard and like try to find me. Oh, but you were gone. Because I'm squeaking the toy, and she's like jumping up and trying to find me, and then she finally sees me. But yeah, so our theory is that I guess dogs, when they get lost and they can't figure out where they are, they just sort of hunker down and hide in a place.

And so I think I took a look at the camera and it looks like she came from up the street, which only has like five houses up the street, up the hill. And I think she just wandered into the backyard of one of them and then couldn't fit. And probably when we were calling her was yelping, like I can't figure out how to get out. Yeah.

And then finally I was just squeaking it so much, she'd like was going crazy, wanting to get out. Yeah. And then finally I was just squeaking it so much she like was going crazy wanting to get back in. Gotta get that toy! And figured a way out. And finally figured a way out. She like smashed through a wall. Yeah, like cool it man.

Every time my cat has gotten out, she's always been really close by. Like you don't know, but like then once you find them, like she'll just be hiding in a bush like next door or like in someone's little like patio. Like she's always like really close. And recently it happened and she was in the backyard, but it freaked me out so much because I was like,

if you just went the other way, it's over. Like it's just, it's just crazy. George had gone down the hill and maybe she did, I don't know, but I did take a look at the camera and she appeared to be coming from up the hill. But down the hill is where she did, I don't know, but I did take a look at the camera and she appeared to be coming from up the hill. But down the hill is where all the traffic is. Do you think for the animal, it's like, I just wanted to go here.

That's all I wanted to do. I know there is this. Jesus. But let's see, my cat recently when she got out, this was, and it was scary for me, but it was only a, it was a quick thing because I looked out the window and saw her in the backyard. So I was like, okay, I got her.

But when I went out and like called her, she looked back and she ran straight to me. Like I had a feeling she was like overwhelmed. Like, yeah, Georgia doesn't like to be away from us, but she also has an adventurous spirit where she like, you know, smells something and wants to go check it out. Or maybe she heard the kids playing a couple doors down

and was like, oh, there's playing over there. Great, let's go over there, you know, and then just got turned around. This is why I don't have pets anymore because I had a dog who smelled a pie that was baking like several doors down floated in the air and I never saw him again. He just went towards the pie. Wow. That's dogs will do that. I always say people need to close their windows when they make a pie unless they

want to, you know, steal somebody's dog. But then the house smells like pie. Well, how is that a bad thing? I know. I tried to make a pie to lure the dog back. Apparently that doesn't work. And now those people still have the dog.

Yeah, I tried to make a reverse pie. And I tried to use reverse ingredients. And now they have the dog and I see the dog in their yard and it's heartbreaking. Oh my god. You know, I've got to say, speaking of pies. So many pies. Speaking of pies.

You don't even want the dog back at this point. I received a- It's a fatty. Yeah. I received a pie as a thank you gift. I received a pie as a thank you. I received a pie as a thank you gift. Wait, hold on. I want to hear this, but I want to take a break. Let's, let's hype this up. This is an amazing story. When we come back, we'll hear about-

You guys aren't going to believe on. I want to hear this, but I want to take a break. Let's hype this up. This is an amazing story. When we come back, we'll hear about the pie that Lauren received as a thank you gift. Okay, we'll be right back. I think there's a reason they call it a health journey, right? It's because these things take time

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Sign up for your trial today at Noom.com. That's N-O-O-M dot com. And check out Noom's first ever cookbook, The Noom Kitchen, for 100 healthy and delicious recipes to promote better living. Available to buy now wherever books are sold. And we're back. And one thing before we get to Lauren's story, one thing I should mention is I forgot to close the loop on the previous dog story, which was that dog was a runner when the person

that had been hired to walk the dog from a dog walking service was not supposed to open the door, was just supposed to open the door a crack, but just opened the door and the dog immediately ran out and went into the neighborhood and was gone. And so that dog was not that close by, but it had gone up the hill and was just, we found two and a half hours later,

the same thing where it was like, oh my God, we're an hour away from darkness. Just not responding to any calls, just like sitting in someone's front yard, just smiling. Yeah. And our cousin Dana, finally like, we had been going up and down that street too, but finally like looked in the yard, just right at the, you know, we had been going up and down the street thinking the but finally like looked in the yard just right at the, you know, we would have been going up and down the street

thinking the dog would make noise, but it was just sitting there. Yeah. And the woman who owned the house was like, oh, hey, yeah, at some point I was gonna call someone about that. What? At some point? Oh my God, one time-

Radio station? One time I was walking down the street- You are the fifth caller. I was walking down the street, this was like- To tell us you have a dog. You're walking down the street. You are the fifth caller. I was walking down the street. This was like- To tell us you have a dog. You're walking down the street? Yeah, just the other day, I guess.

Early in pandemic time. And I was just going for a walk and there was this dog that was the most fucked up looking dog I've ever seen in my life. It looked like a drawing that a kid made. Like it was like, it was all a skewed. Oh, I wanna see this dogw. And it was sitting. I want to see this dog now.

It was so, it was honestly really disturbing. Like I actually felt, I felt really weird looking at it. I was like, oh, and it was like sitting on the grass, just nowhere, you know? And it was just like, it looked, it looked like it wasn't right. You know what I mean? Like something was wrong with this dog from day one. And it was sitting there. Like it's, it's eyes were like different levels. Like it was truly like, it was so odd looking and Mike and I were like, Ooh, what's up with this dog? And

then we were like, are we going to have to deal with this dog and like help it get wherever it's going? And we, we literally just walked a little bit further, looked back, never saw it again. I don't know where it went. bit further, looked back, never saw it again. I don't know where it went, I don't know what happened. Maybe it wasn't a dog. Something was weird, it was maybe an alien. So you think dogs that ugly should be put to death? No, I really was, but I was really like,

whose dog is this, where did he, it was sitting there kind of like, it just looked fucking weird. Like I was like, what is the story here? I don't like anytime I see a dog, a loose dog, I start to mobilize and I'm like, what is the story here? I don't like any time I see a dog, a loose dog, I start to mobilize and I'm like, you know, I start, I'm driving by usually and I start to park the car and I get out of the car.

And then it's just like, then you see an owner walking. I know, well, this has happened to me a couple times too. Like it's not on leash and you're like, what the fuck are you doing with your dog off leash? No, no. And it's just running around. I swear, I followed chihuahuas around the neighborhood a couple different times. And then they hopped through a fence and you're like, what the fuck are you doing with your dog off leash? And it's just running around. I swear, I followed chihuahuas around the neighborhood a couple different times,

and then they hopped through a fence, and you're like, I think you live there. Like, I don't know, there's just this weird, they can go wherever they want or something, I don't know. Oh, can I tell one story about a missing dog that happened? Yeah, people are worried about the blind. This is gonna get to your hard missing dog story. Okay, so, but this is not a dog I knew.

But we were driving. Yeah, that's the mixing it up, okay. So we were driving and we find a loose dog and we pull over and we call it over and it like, you know, sometimes loose dogs run away from you. This one like leapt into our arms and we look at the collar and there's the owner's phone number on it.

So we call expecting of course the owner to pick up immediately or something. Rings and rings and rings and finally in answering, you know, a phone voicemail thing comes up and we say, hey, we found the dog's name. We're parked at the corner of this and this and we'll wait for you or call us back or something. We wait for like 10 minutes and we're like, okay, I don't think anyone's coming. No one's calling us back.

Let's, I guess, go back to our house and wait for them there. We were like ready to abandon our plans, essentially. We were like, okay, let's go back to our house and just wait for the person to call. Suddenly I see from down the street street a guy on the phone like holding up his hand. And I go, I think I think some guy is like trying to flag us down. This is probably the guy. So I get out of the car, I have the dog, the guy's coming towards us. And

he's in the middle of a phone conversation. And he's not looking at us. And I go, oh, I've messed up. This is just a guy who was stretching, right? So we start to get back in the car. He finally comes over to us, grabs the dog, never interrupts his phone conversation and just turns around and walks away. That's insane. Insanity.

That's insane. Decides not to call us, just trots out, grabs the dog, can't interrupt his business deal. What was his deal? Did you overhear anything? Yeah, was he in a suit? In a major motion picture. Oh my god. It was Jay Roach.

I will say my neighbor who basically accused me of calling animal control on her has not spoken to me since. I mean, we haven't been like eye to eye since we've been across the street from each other. We have not said hello. Is it because you're too shy to shy? Too late. But I still think she kind of thinks we did it. So anyways, that's the way these people work.

If I did it, I would call the number. Take a picture of yourself for the jacket. So this pie, I just want to talk about this yourself for the jacket. So this pie, I just want to talk about this pie for a second. Oh, this is exciting. Okay, we talked about this before the break. Previously on Freedom. I got a pie as a thank you gift.

That was the clip that was played back. And now the thrilling conclusion to freedom. I got a pie in the mail as a thank you gift from Jen Spira slash Spira. I'm not sure how to pronounce her last name, but she's very funny. Her book is called Big Time and it's very, it's honestly hilarious. It's all these like short essays.

Anytime anyone says honestly, they're not being honest. No, but I am. I am because I usually say it when I am being honest. Honestly, I think that they're always lying. What are you talking about? No, that's the opposite of what's true. So I, and I read two of them and they're always lying. What are you talking about? No, that's the opposite of what's true. So I, and I read two of them and they were so funny.

That's why I agreed to do it. And, um, and she sent me this pie from Milk Bar as a thank you. Now I was really delighted to receive a pie. I love pies. I love sweets. I don't, I don't, I don't have pies. Actually, I don't have pies. I don't love a fruit pie.

Everyone says they're delighted with lying. Yeah. I don't love a fruit actually. I don't love pies. I don't love a fruit pie. Everyone says they're lying. Yeah, I don't love a fruit pie. I don't like a lot of things in a pie. I usually just like chocolate pie. Why don't you like a fruit? What about a nice cherry pie with ice cream? I don't like hot fruit.

What? You know what, Lauren? I used to be like that too, but now I like apple pie. Apple pie. I've never tried apple pie. Apple pie is actually, it's good. It works. It works.

I understand your reasons. I understand your reasons, but I think you would like it. I've been afraid of hot fruit. We need a new taste challenge that people are gonna love during us eat on Mike. I would do it, because it's gonna be really smooshy on Mike. Smooshy.

But then I was like, this pie is so good. This was the original milk bar pie. Was it the crack pie? I don't think, I don't know if it's called crack pie. I would try to figure this out. Is that like, is that the slang for it? Like when people just go. No, they have one that is called crack pie.

I don't know if this is called that. It's like a, it's like a gooey sort of. It's sort of their signature pie. It might be. If it's gooey, I bet it's the crack pie. Okay, well it's fucking good. And I've now sent it to two different people as like a gift.

And I just wanted to throw that out there as a suggestion for a gift. This is my add to cart honestly, so then on add to cart. They should talk about why crack pies are bad Okay, great. That would be great to keep some restore balance in the universe But I sent one to my dad for Father's Day, so I'm which has oh, so I'm really curious if he's gonna like it But I think that's gonna be exciting for was it shaped like a tie Yeah, cuz you know what dad you know what I'm so if he's gonna like it, but I think that's gonna be exciting for him. Was it shaped like a tie? Yeah, because you know what, dad, you know what, I'm so sick of that shit. Dads love tie.

The idea, Father's Day cards are kind of hard to buy because they all kind of assume you have a relationship with your dad where you use tools. Yeah, oh yeah. Right, right, right. They all are sort of like, hey, thanks dad, when that might not be the sentiment you want to express. I know, there's never like a neutral enough card. Why won't you talk to me, dad? thanks, dad, when that might not be the sentiment. I know there's, there's never like a neutral in that car.

Happy father's day. Why are you so remote wishing you the best? What do you do? Honestly, that's it. That's I don't know. Janie has that recipe and she's made that crack pie a few times. Really? Yes, it's so good.

It's so good. I have a question. What do you send or give somebody when you want to appreciate them? Ooh, usually spare iPads. That are engraved to you? Crew jackets. I gotta say, why is it so hard to make a good looking crew jacket? I thought our Between Two Ferns ones were good.

Oh, I wouldn't know. Oh, I like that one. I know I wore that in a storm. Um, I um. Sounds nice. We didn't give them to Five of Nunders. Oh no, you fucking. Um, actually, Orange is the New Black, like the first season they gave these messenger bags

as the... I have one of those. I wasn't even on that show. You do? No. Oh. And I gave it to my dad and he used it as his briefcase for years. That's actually not a bad idea to pass on crew gifts to your parents because they'll

actually be proud of it. Like for the Between Two Ferns one, we had the fake public access logo on it, which doesn't mean anything to anyone. And then Netflix insisted on putting Netflix on it. And so we had them put it under the back hood. I was glad about that because sometimes it's so hard to wear those things when they're really corny because it says like,

something really big. Like I worked for Netflix. Yeah. Or you were never given one. Yeah, because it says like, something really big. Yeah. Or you would never give it one. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Um, I like to give people, I like to send flowers. I think flowers are nice. Except my mom now says, don't ever send me flowers again.

Why? Because she just doesn't like her. It's too much work or whatever. She's just like, look, you've been sending me flowers. Just don't send them to me ever again. I think sending flowers is actually so nice. I, my mom was a little send them to me ever again. I think sending flowers is actually so nice. My mom was a little bit opposed to it at first

when I did it, like one of the first few times. And then it's like, I now I'm like, I don't care what anyone says. It's a nice thing to get. Like it's just like, it's a sunny day. Oh yeah, I'm sure I would listen. I'll never send flowers to that bitch. She's not one of those bitches.

But it's nice because it's so easy. Like, I think it's you can find there's always a coupon, by the way. I mean, this is my big thing with like anything like that. You got to search for a coupon. You can always get 15 percent off at least.

Off of anything. I mean, you found it for the gnome. I'm the gnome deal. Well, I was looking at well, the reason I found the deal on the gnome is that I was looking for a new gnome. You want a new gnome? What's going on? I want a new gnome.

We've buried the lead here. I wanted more gnomes, but I'm telling you, I have not found one I like. I got the disco ball gnome and it's coming. It's almost here. I'm very excited. I want to see it in person. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm really curious about the quality. I can't wait. It was more expensive. It was more expensive. I got to break in here quality. I can't wait. Can I- It was more expensive. It was more expensive. I gotta break in here. Yeah. Oh my God. There's some late breaking news

from one of our freedom listeners. Oh God. Now this is on Twitter. WTF Cathy. Why would you pick that name? WTF Cathy. Does she work on WTF? Does she like WTF?

What the fuck Cathy? Maybe it's about the cartoon. Okay, that's true. She says, by the way, Scott Aukerman, on WTF? Maybe it's about the cartoon. Okay, that's true. She says, by the way, Scott Aukerman, on last week's app, pretty sure the test you had, the one I talked about for when I had the bladder infection and you guys were all making fun of me. That's the only part I remember.

I didn't make fun of you. Pretty sure the test you had is called avoiding cystorethrogram, V-C-U-G. I almost said that. It is unfortunately very common and horrible. It's to check for urine backing up into the kidneys and the child has to pee in front of strangers on a table. Oh, now I remember this.

Oh, that one, yeah. So you just spray it all over the place. You spray it all over the place and she says it's very common and that's what it was. So that's good to know. Thank you so much. Well, at least so much I've always wondered I just had that memory of having to pee in front of everyone and not knowing why and they're like oh it's just something you have to do and so now I know what you have to do

it's coming of age it's good to know in case I become a child again when you when you're six everyone has to do this okay go on about flowers. I think another thing is if you know people that drink, I think wine is a good gift. Or a bottle of scotch. I think things to eat are good. Well, I mean, here's the thing. Is it really the mail? Like, when you say you got the pie in the mail, was it USPS or was it like a delivery service?

It was mail. It was real. Because milk bar sends it in the mail. You'll never get it. Milk bar sends the the they send it anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. But but I mean, I mean, it's it's but it's got to be stored in some sort of packaging. You have to eat it within like you have to put it in the fridge. Put it in dry ice. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? But is that the, that's USPS? You can do that through USPS. Yeah. I did not know that. I think he was. I did not know that.

I did not know that. Weird, wild male. I think that USPS now can do anything that UPS or FedEx can do. Yeah. Anything USPS can do, I can do better. Also, you know what, if you want to splurge, like a gold belly thing, if you can send somebody- What's gold belly?

Oh, gold, Lauren! Oh, it's like a local, Lauren. Hold on. Add to cart. This is a nice thing, Janie did this for my birthday. She got me, you can get food from anywhere, sent anywhere. Oh, what? And she got me cheese steaks for my birthday,

which was really nice. Gold belly. It's like if there's some restaurant that like, say you had people visiting you and they're like, oh, we loved that restaurant when we were there, you can send them stuff from there. But how on earth does that work? Well, let's see. I don't know, but they do it.

The restaurant, so Big Bang Theory was formed in 2000. Molecules crashed into one another and suddenly we're here. So like if I was like I want you to send me Burger Lords to Chicago or whatever like how do they get the food? I don't understand. I want you to send these two Burger Lords to Chicago. Are you worried there's a crime involved? I guess I'm worried that it's going to taste like ace. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It's great.

It's like ready. You get it and it's ready to fucking go. It's great. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but,

but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but They put it in whatever packaging you would use for shipping food. And then you have to cook it? Yeah. It's not hot when it gets to you five days later. That's what I'm confused about. I was just like, what is it? You warm things up, but it's for every...

They have detailed instructions of what to do. All the restaurants that are involved are like, we have our gold belly system, which is this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've done it sometimes and they give you a detailed thing of like, okay, put it in the oven for this long at this temperature and then it's very detailed thing of like, okay, you know, put it in the oven for this long at this temperature and then, you know, it's like very detailed so it tastes exactly the way

that they want you. It always starts with don't touch the oven, the oven is hot. Yeah. Okay, so could I use this? Because there's no age limit, like kids can order this. Yeah.

All right, I'm into this, I'm into this. It's a really cool thing. Like if you know somebody that's from a specific place, you can send them like, here's your favorite thing. Like if you missed Chicago pizza or whatever it is you used to eat there. My parents gave me a Lou Malnati's gift card, which is good. Lou Malnati? You're part of that? What? You're not supposed to admit that.

It's you and Kanye West? L-O-U space. Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Oh, no. They found out. They activated her poison tooth. All right. We have to take a break.

We'll be right back. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hi, I'm Emily Deschanel. And I'm Karla Gallo, and we're here to bring you... BONEHEADS! The official Bones Rewatch podcast. 16 years ago, we met on the set of the TV show Bones, and have been friends ever since. I played Dr. Temperance Brennan. And I played Daisy Wick.

We're starting from the top and working our way through all 246 episodes. The show lasted a very long time. Very long. Tune in every Wednesday to laugh with us, to cry with us, to cringe with us, and hear all our juicy behind the scenes stories. Boneheads from Lemonada Media is out on September 18th, wherever you get your podcasts. Caregiving in America is hard work and it's universal. At some point in our lives we will all need care or provide it. Yvette Nicole Brown, who you might know from a little TV show called Community, is the primary caregiver for

her dad Omar who has Alzheimer's. He's a big part of why she is hosting Squeezed, a new podcast from Lemonada Media and the Robert Wood Johnson's. He's a big part of why she is hosting Squeezed, a new podcast from Lemonada Media and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. It's a show about regular people like me and you or future you navigating this caregiving journey at every stage of life through the hard and joyful moments. You can listen to Squeezed with Yvette Nicole Brown ad free on Amazon Music. New episodes are out wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back and it's time for a three-cher. And this one was submitted by cartoons underscore plural and it's called Audiobook.

Great. Here's how it works. We have engineer Ryan over here on the ones and twos, keeping us honest. And we ask him, not verbally, put it in the chat, Ryan. Put it in the chat, Ryan. We ask him for a genre and a, I guess, subject matter or topic for a book. Yeah.

And then one person's the narrator and the other two voice characters doing the dialogue anytime the narrator says something. Fantastic. And then they said, or whatever. So Ryan, if you would, my man, first of all, who wants to be narrator? I'll be the narrator. Okay.

Paul will be narrator and Ryan will give you the, what was it? Is it the genre and topic? Oh, you get to do title. Actually we could do title. Actually what might be better is just title. That would be good, right? Yeah, why don't we do that? Ryan just put in title.

Again, or put anything into the chat because- Ryan just type into the chat. When you're all alone okay listen Ryan Ryan just Ryan just put in horror slash skeletons that'll be the title I guess horror slash skeletons all, here we go. Paul, start us up. Horror slash skeletons, a novel by Richard Abernathion, chapter one. Oh, no. Nope. Is that the narrator saying, oh, no? Well, that's exactly what I realized. So it's written in the first person.

That would be a character. So you guys just lay out. I'll take care of this. Okay, great. Alright, bye. See ya. Chapter 1. The door creaked open slowly, and a figure entered the room. It opened its mouth and spake. Oh my God, it's Ding Dong.

What's up, Playas? Ding Dong replied. Hey, I'm looking for my skeleton. It left my body. That's horrible. I'm just a floppy skin. The other guy replied. Suddenly, the lights went out.

Ah! Don't worry, Ding Dong. I'm a big strong man, and I'm going to protect you, said the tiny guy. The tiny guy looked around the room and found a stub of candle and then a match. He struck the match across Ding Dong's scratchy forehead. The match ignited and he lit the candle.

Thank God your forehead seems to be made of sandpaper. In fact, your entire face is just really rough. Do you have skin problems? Want a blowjob? Pass. Another man had entered the room. It was Ding Dong's husband. What's up, husband? Hey, Ding Dong, I heard what you... First of all, what's up, Blaze?

But I heard what you had just said to that man, and I'm a little upset at that. I was actually saying it to you. Well then let's get to it. Mwah mwah mwah mwah Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo What did you say? What did you say? Keep your dick baby smooth. It's exfoliating. Just then the lights came back on. And for the first time, the tiny guy was seeing Ding Dong's husband, Mr. Wussup Players, for the first time.

Uh, uh, uh, hey, what's going on, dude? I didn't turn out these lights. Don't look at me. He's not lying. Mr. Wussup players did look at him. Oh, you tiny, tiny piece of shit. I do believe I will engage you in a physical altercation now. Ding Dong stood ran between them, holding out her arms and protecting the tiny guy.

No, no, don't do it. He's just a little thing. The tiny guy got a little offended at this. I mean, ding dong. We've known each other a long time. I don't know. He's just a little guy. You see me?

He can't even lift a key. I'm lifting one right now. When you're looking at me, lift one. Everyone stop. We need to focus on what's most important, finding my skeleton slash whore. Suddenly Ding Dong's skeleton walked into the room. Oh, God, Ding Dong, there you are, let me get inside you.

Said Ding Dong's husband. Skeleton, I've missed you. Hey, come over here. What do you want to say? You said Ding Dong's husband. Skeleton, I've missed you. Hey, come over here. What do you want to say? Oh, well, I've just been out there walking around and I've seen the world and it's very frightening to, you know, take a look at the world from this point of view. So I'd rather do it from inside of you. So I'm going to get in there, probably dive right in through your mouth.

Here we go. Ding Dong screamed so loud that the skeleton was repelled out the window. Whee! Hey, that didn't work. The tiny guy spoke up. Look this has taught me a valuable lesson. Bye. He also jumped out the window. Then it was just Ding Dong and her husband,

Mr. Wussle players. We'll never learn what that lesson is, I guess. They talked at the same time, and so did I. We. We. We. We. Note to reader.

Dual dialogue. When you hear this, it's all of us at the same time. It's not a mistake. All right, well, we've been talking about how we wanted to jump out the window ourselves. We've looked at each other for a long time. I should not believe how important we were. Here are the divorce papers you wanted.

Yay! Yay! The end. It's a one chapter book. Oh. That was such a good story. I want to listen to it to fall asleep every night. So good.

Do we have time for another or what's going on? I think we have time for one more. Okay. Who's going to be a narrator? I'll narrate. Okay. Okay, Ryan, you got to give us, give us a title. I know that, well, okay.

Just do whatever. Ryan, just do whatever. Do anything you want in the chat, Ryan. Ryan, this is your time to be a freak. Let your freak flag shine, Ryan. Let your freak flag shine. We are waiting for Ryan to- Oh, he might not be there anymore.

Really? Maybe to the left. Is it moonlighting? Who knows? Oh, here it is. It's called the burning. The burning? It's a question. The genre's question mark.

The burning is a question. The burning? Ah. In the dusty dunes of the Indiana plains, two young men climbed a mountain. In the blazing, blazing hot sun, they decided, probably probably best to remove their shirts and tie them around their heads.

Boy, I sure could use a drink of water. Oh, this shirt is so heavy. I don't know if I can lift it up to my head. Mine's linen, which is lucky. Mine's a bulletproof shirt. Kevlar. The one who talked first decided that he was still having enough energy, so he should carry the other men. I gotcha. Just leave it to me, Kevlar. I'll pick you up and carry you the rest of the way up the dusty dune. Do you want me to jump into your arms? No, that's actually gonna mess me up. Let me just scoop you.

Okay, scoop me. Much like you're a chip and I'm salsa. He sounded like he was far away, but was just still right there. I'm way up here now! From up high, he could see something nobody else could see. Check this out! Check this out!

Wait for me! Okay, you get up here. I, check this out. Wait for me. Okay, you get up here, I'll lift you up. You're like, whoa, there you go. Okay, now pick me up. All right, you're, Ugh! Do you see what I see?

Yeah, I do, it's freaky. They kept singing that Christmas song, but making up words to tell us what they saw. A city, a city, standing on a hill and it's burning up and needs water with some smoke that climbs to the sky. Bing, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong. They kept walking, knowing that they were the only ones who could save this city, as clearly all the people had fled. Hey, we got to save the city. No one's around.

We got to do it. We are amateur firefighters, so this is a good plan. Yeah, we do it because we love it, not for the money. Yeah. But they also... Firefighters. Yeah, we do it because we love it, not for the money. Yeah. Firefighters who get paid to do it are sellouts. Not volunteer firefighters. We are amateur firefighters. We want to be professionals.

No one will hire us. They thought now was a good time to talk about their relationship a little more in depth and how they got to where they were. Hey, do you remember when we met in school? I do. Yeah, 10 in school? I do. Yeah, 10 minutes ago? I do. And we knew right away we'd be best friends forever.

And we got to climb that mountain right next to the school. Yeah. This is the first time I've ever cut class. Yep. I wonder if we'll get in trouble. Probably not. We'll be heroes after we save this town from the burning. Oh, that's right.

And our school is burning up. Yeah, let's let the school go. Back at the school, the teacher was giving one last assignment. Everyone sit down and shut up. I want you to read all of Huckleberry Finn backwards. I'm bored and I've been here for too long. All right, I'll start. End the. Good. Stop disrupting the class. I'm not disrupting you stupid bitch.

I'm coughing. Where's all this smoke coming from? Who's doing that? The principal walked in with a cigarette ablaze. Hey, what's up? It's me, the cool principal. You guys wanna smoke with me? Hell yeah, I do.

All right, fuck you, teacher. I'm taking the kids to the smoke in my private smoke room. This dude is so cool. Thanks, guys. What's this other smoke, though? The principal looked out the window. Oh, looks like there's a big fire uncool dudes he did a backflip and left the room I did what he did a backflip and left

the room see ya's Just then the bell rang. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Yeah, I wish I didn't have to go home at the end of every school day. I love it here. Me too. It's the best. I wish I could stay here forever. The kids who loved the school looked out the window and saw their old classmates walking up that hill. Hey, it's the two best friends. Remember when they met? It was electric for all of us. We knew they would be together forever. Zoom in. Do books have stage directions though?

All right. I think I figured out how we're going to put the fire out. Here's, here's, okay. I think, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Cause here's what I think you're thinking. Let's say at the same time. Okay. Here we go. Three, two, one. We're going to fire our pistols at those water tanks and have them leak out onto the school.

So parallel thinking. Yeah, I mean, you just said water. Yeah. That's not really a plan. You got me there. This is our first fight. Look, I'm tired of you. Me too, you. Let's split up and each try our different plans.

Yeah, you go try's split up and each try our different plans. You go try your plan of water. Okay. And you go try your plan of, I can't even remember it was so long. Yeah, well, okay. They both walked off in different directions, marching angrily. Ten hours passed and neither of them found the thing they were looking for. They both died and became whores slash skeletons.

And the burning took over and killed them all. We became one slash skeleton. Whore slash skeleton. The title of the last book. Oh, whore. I thought you said whores. I thought it was whores at first, to be fair. Why do they make the word horse and whores so similar?

And horror. You know? Well, that was great. That was great. We declared that it was great and that we enjoyed it. And you enjoyed it. Well, but the most important thing is that we enjoyed it first, because if we don't enjoy it, how can you enjoy it?

You, the listener, enjoyed it so much. I thought it was so fun. All right. That's going to do it for this episode. I hope you enjoyed the harrowing tale of Georgia getting loose. Happy endings for both dogs and the third dog as well, whose name I don't recall and whose hipster owner doesn't deserve to own them. But- And if you have bought a gnome, please tag us in a picture and we'll make a collage. And if you know- Oh, nice. If you know the names of any of our medical procedures

that we've described that we don't know the name of, please let us know those as well. Urine related only, thank you. Urine now makes me think of, uh, that movie where, what's her name? Rosamund Pike is like helping taking advantage of old people. Oh, I care a lot. I have not seen it yet. Yeah. She, she's great the whole time.

And then one word, her accent is not perfect. And she goes, he's lying in a pool of his own urine urine or something. Yeah. He's, he's lying in a pool of his own urine your eye nurse on the yeah he's lying in a pool of his own urine urine yeah I remember that that doesn't sound strange to me though urine urine urine urine oh you're in urine urine Paul okay all right that's all right All right. That's exciting. Be sure to tune in next week. Yes, we adore you. We are Twitter. No, we are. We are Freedom USA. We are Freedom USA on Twitter and Instagram. Paul, you're Jack, aren't you?

Yeah, I don't like to admit it, but yes, I'm Jack from Twitter. I don't care about your complaints. We and if Freedom USA at Gmail dot com, if you would like to send a threacher. Thank you very much. We love you and we'll be back next week. Bye, everyone. Bye. Yorin. Yorin. Yorin. Hi, everyone. Gloria Riviera here and we are back for another season of No One Is Coming to Save Us, a podcast about America's child care crisis.

This season we're delving deep into five critical issues facing our country through the lens of child care, poverty, mental health, housing, climate change, and the public school system. By exploring these connections, we aim to highlight that childcare is not an isolated issue, but one that influences all facets of American life. Season four of No One is Coming to Save Us is out now wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Sam Smith and welcome to The Pink House. I love being in The Pink House with you.

Join me as I talk to my friends and some amazing queer icons about their idea of home, like Elliot Page, Jo Kim Booster and Gloria Estefan. Music was always my escape, it was my happy place. The Pink House from Lemonada Media is out now. You can listen ad-free on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts.