Threedom - Threevisiting: Works At TBS

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss starting a band, Watergate and Twitter replies, then play Movie Merge. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail at HAGCLAIMS8.com. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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MakersMark.com slash personalize. Makers Mark makes their bourbon carefully, so please enjoy it that way. Makers Mark Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey, 45% alcohol by volume copyright 2024. Makers Mark Distillery Incorporated Loretta, Kentucky. Join us on archetypes, a dynamic podcast hosted by Megan, the Duchess of Sussex, as she digs into the labels that try to hold women back. In each intimate and candid conversation, Megan is joined by guests like Serena Williams,

Mariah Carey, Paris Hilton, Issa Rae, and Trevor Noah as they delve into the roots of countless common descriptors of women, like Diva, Crazy, Dumblaund, and the B-word, and redefine and reclaim each identity along the way. The complete season of archetypes is out now wherever you get your podcasts. Freedom! One, two, three. Freedom! One, two, three. One, two, three.

Freedom! Welcome to freedom. Welcome to freedom. Okay. I'm saying that to you guys, of course. Welcome to freedom. I'm saying it to you. Well, thank you for having me.

Freedom. I'm really excited to be a guest today. Thank you. I'm excited to be a guest today. I'm excited to be a guest today. I'm excited to be a guest today. I'm excited to be a guest today. I'm excited to be a guest today. I'm excited to be a guest today. I'm excited to be a guest today. I'm saying that to you guys, of course. Welcome to freedom. I'm saying it to you.

Well, thank you for having me. Freedom. I'm really excited to be a guest today. Freedom. So you guys are going to interview me today? That's right. It's all about you today, dear. Just an interview of how Lauren got started.

Lauren, I'm doing this for you. So where did you do improv, Lauren? So boring. I'm so sick of talking about that. Don't you hate telling those things? You always know talking about that. Don't you hate those things? You always know you were funny. Don't you hate that? Yeah.

I don't know why anyone would ever listen to a podcast where it was a real interview of someone. I know. It's like 45 minutes. There's nothing to talk about in 45 minutes, other than the stuff that's been endlessly said. I just don't really. Sometimes I find it interesting to hear someone's like origin story or whatever.

Sure, bitten by a radioactive spider. Sure, that's interesting. I mean, right there. Oh, oh, oh. For the most part you could really. Dr. Bruce Banner, pelted by gamma rays. You could really Google most things and just kind of get through it.

Yes, exactly. This is the show where we. That's also advice to interviewers. I know, Google first. I know, that's how they come up with their questions. What have you already said? Let's try to do that again. Yeah, let's try to get you to say it again.

But this is the show where we don't do that. This is the show where me, Lauren Lapkus, and my friends, Paul F. Tompkins and Scott Ackerman, we are just friends and we just talk about their... Are there four of us here? He called himself Lauren. Oh, oh, oh, I see. That himself Lauren and that was the Comedy that was being brought I see

spewing for it That was the comedy that was oozing out. I had a fucking disgusting dream the other night. Oh, yeah, there we go It was about someone we know Hmm and in the dream I was going to have sex with this person hell yeah, but then their penis had Like it was like it was stopped up with something green oh So it had like I'm sorry it's so Nasty no, and I was like oh no, and I got really scared and then I we didn't do it But then I was like, oh no, and I got really scared. And then we didn't do it, but then I was like,

oh no, do I have whatever that is now? And then I'm gonna get in trouble, because I'm married and like, yeah, it was like this whole fucked up dream. Dreams where you've killed people, I find that I have those. And I'm just like, well, I'm a murderer now. Killing, no.

I feel like I have way more sex dreams than anything. And this, and by the way- I'm killing people with my penis. Well, when you have a dream about someone do you like when you see them on in person or on Instagram after that are you like oh now they're kind of like that. I had it when I was working at the aforementioned chin chin. I know what you mean. One of the one of the other waitresses said to me like, How long did you work at Tintin? Two years.

The amount of stories you have from that time. It's true. I mean, a lot happened. I mean, there's your show. There's your show. There's your show. That's the show. Then I was at Cafe Cordial.

I was at Cafe Cordial. Cafe Cordial, which I remember. Chaja Binks? Cafe Cordial, which I refer to as macaroni grill. Hey, corviali. I can never remember the name. That's why I think it's remember the name. Well, it's no longer with us apparently Marie calendar Marie calendars. Of course. I was there for a year I was a square for a year I was at the best fried chicken tenders and fries

And we used to get stoned. Probably just that particular one. Really? Yeah. Which one? Well, whatever one you were at. You were saying the quality is an extendable franchise? Can you also put in a context that I was in high school? Okay.

So my take in my palate was quite a disadvantage. Can you also say that maybe you didn't do a good job baking these chicken tenders, Scott? What was I talking about? Oh, Chin Chin. Who cares? Oh, yeah. So one of the wages was like, I had a dream where you and I had sex last night, and I think there's only one reason to say that to someone.

If you want to have sex with them. If you currently want to have sex with them. But she was treating you like it was disgusting. Like a curious phenomenon. You could, you only say that if you want to have sex with that person, and you could even make up that you had a dream where you had sex if you want to say that. That's what I do. I was like, oh, I was put off because she was not ever, did never had expressed any kind of interest in me. You weird dream, we had sex, you were really into it.

Made me think you were hot for a second. You said you were so happy. But it kind of made me go, oh, well, is she interested? But then she was acting like it was so gross. And I was just like, what is the purpose of this conversation? It's also just to make you uncomfortable. I don't know why she did that. I feel like she invited me to a party once and I didn't go.

Anyway. I once had a very strange dream. It was like a really entertaining dream. And Mary Holland was in it. And I texted her the next day. And I said, you were in my dream last night. this while was happening, blah, blah, blah. And she said, this never occurred to me to say before. She said, thank you for dreaming of me. Hey, she's on your mind. That's great. Yeah. She said it. She said it. I said, wow,

it never occurred to me to do that. She said, well, it's very flattering. I was like, you know what, you're right. I guess it's sort of like that quote about how in my, what is it in my twenties I was worried what everyone thought of me in my thirties. What is it? You're worried nobody thought of you. Well, but then in my forties, I realized no one was ever thinking of me,

which is like, yeah, that's kind of what it is. Well, I know that's not true. People think about me a lot. They're always thinking of me. Oh yeah. Oh, I live rent-free in a lot of people's heads. I am so fucking sick of that. Do you get receipts for that?

Oh, I've kept the receipts. Okay, good. Because you can write that off. I dreamt of Weird Out last night that we were hanging out and we saw a kid wearing an Eat It t-shirt. And I said, hey man, you still got it. And he was like, okay. That's weird.

I had a dream where Weird Out took a child to court. Really? Yeah, for unauthorized merchandise. Does that really happen? No. I think it's literally because I saw earlier in the day I saw, I was reading a website of like popular songs from 1984 and yes, this is my life in quarantine.

And that was- Going year by year. I was listed on it. I was like- Just see if I ever heard of them. 1912, the ginger ale polka. Were you trying to get ready to watch Wonder Woman and you were like, what songs might be in the movie?

We did, by the way, watch. I would be prepared. We watched, in order to prepare for Wonder Woman 1984, we watched Wonder Woman 1977, the third season premiere, which we didn't realize was an hour and a half movie, which was more time than we wanted to commit to. With Linda Carter? With Linda Carter, but it's the craziest fucking plot. First of all, I watched this when I was a kid,

but I guess I didn't realize the first two seasons of Wonder Woman are set during World War II. Yeah. And then this third season is set in the 70s. So I was like, I wonder how they did that? So I watched it. And they just basically like at the top she sees Steve Trevor her love interest

She goes that looks a lot like Steve Trevor and to son Oh, yeah, and then she's like this guy I used to know I'm like for those two years that we were invested in you Then suddenly like in between 40 years or 30 years has gone by and you just basically forgot about him anyway. It's a weird way, but then does the Sun? Become the love interest again. Yeah, it's really weird Yeah, and then Jessica Walters in it, which is really funny. She's acting. She's young She's like 30 probably but acting just like Jessica

Like the same whole like rest of's on our rest of developments. Yeah, the same whole side eye glances and catty things. She says, but she's like young. She says the banana from the meme. Right. But it's a crazy ass fucking plot of this thing. I want to watch that. I remember watching that show when I was a kid.

I don't have like a lot of memories of it. I mean, obviously, Linda Carter, super hot. Oh, bro. I was a little boy who was like, I like this lady. I like this lady. Oh, she is buxom. Oh, my God. Let's talk about hot girls on this show.

This is making me amorous. He's not the fattest tit in LA. Lauren, do you talk about handsome guys around Mike? Like if you see a handsome guy on TV? Yeah. I don't know about handsome guys and attractive women. We'll just go. Oh, and attractive women.

Oh, she's really pretty. Oh, he's hot. You know. Handsome guys and attractive women. A life watching television. You can't help but comment on these things. Yeah, absolutely. Janie, I always discover Janie's by accident.

Janie discovered by accident. Come on, come on. I mean, let it fit the meter. You discover them by accident? Like you find her scrapbook where she's cut out all the heads of creatures, it's crazy? Exactly. Everyone, she'll say something.

Like the way I found out she had a thing for, oh shit, he was in No Country for Old Men. What's his name, Chigurur or whatever? Yes, why can't I think of his name? Dude from Bond? Dude from Bond, yes. I don't know. Droopy?

God damn it, what's his name? He has low T. We need to Really love that theory we had about Drupi dog I don't remember. We have a lot of it. Wait. I need to know his name. We're not no country for old men. It was Children of men is the movie. I'm thinking. Oh, yeah, I like children of men to climb over. I like Children of Men. Okay, No Punching for Old Men. I'm looking at a Javier Bardem. Javier Bardem. That's your earth again?

Javier Bardem, yes. And she said, like she was talking about somebody and she said, I mean it's not like he's Javier Bardem. And I was like, oh really? Wow. What is accepted by all of humanity as the most attractive person? A name out of nowhere. And I was like, okay. I like that. Yeah. What is accepted by all of humanity? Yes, like a name out of nowhere.

And I was like, okay. I like that. Yeah. That's how I felt. It's always been like a weird like a thing that she, like David Tennant was one where she just kept, she would just keep saying like, she would just bring him, like if something was on,

she was like, well, does that have David Tennant? I guess we could watch that. And after like a few times I was like, do you have a thing for him? She's like, maybe. Wow. Who's that dude that the guy in sweet green thought I was? I walked into sweet green and he goes,

oh, you're famous, right? I go, not really. Were we there? No, no, no, no. But I feel like I've talked about it. I just don't want to incur the wrath of the Spanking Pen. The Spanking Pen is just a phrase now. I know.

But I said- It has no effect. Yeah, exactly. We could force Josh to be here with a Spanking Pen. That's his only, like, force him to wear a mask. That's his only duty. That would be so cruel. Josh died of COVID, it was because of that.

Yes. God. That's the worst I've ever had. We did, and it's because of this. No! We're sitting very That's the worst I've ever done. What if we did and it's because of this? Um, but... No! We're sitting very far apart. We're super far away from each other.

There are people who are doing podcasts indoors in the same room. Yeah, it's insane. Um, but, uh, he was like, you're famous, right? I go, uh... Yes, absolutely. He goes, you're... I think he... I think it was David Attenborough.

It was your David Attenborough. What? And I go... What does he look like? The 80 year old guy? Aren't you Lionel Barrymore? No. He goes, oh, you're not? I go, no, I think you're thinking of someone else.

And then the next time I came in, he goes, oh, I know who you are now. I don't know why I thought you were David Attenborough. I'm sorry. That person is extremely old. It's insanity. He's 94. Yeah. Yes, yeah, extremely old. It's insanity. He's 94 I'm here to pick up my order

at sweet green Years ago, this was grassland No, will be fed by water. They look out for it was the weirdest fucking bananas. Yeah. Oh my god It made me really Yeah. Oh my God. It made me really like insulted but also really laugh. It makes me wonder who does he think David Attenborough is? Yeah. Because I can't think it's the same. No, because now I start going, is he thinking of the dude from Jurassic Park? Because even

that's insulting. No, it can't. That guy was old in 1993. Yeah. Or is he thinking, or did he see a movie of David Attenborough was in in the 60s and think that it was made the other day? I don't know. There's no plausible explanation for him thinking. He doesn't know who David Attenborough is.

He don't know. But that's weird. Maybe he thought you were David Cross. Even worse. But you know how like when people don't really know, they kind of just like mix people up like that. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I do think it's weird, though, when like people get recognized as someone else, but they're but that person also is famous.

Like it's weird to be like, like you to have someone approach you and think you're somebody else, but they could know who you are. Like is there something about how people look? Do you know what I mean? Like, do you know what I'm trying to say? Like, like, okay, my friend got recognized as being someone else, but he also is famous. So it's like, No, I think what happens is that people see someone it triggers something in their brain. It used to happen to me where I would see reality show people around town and I think what happens is that people see someone, it triggers something in their brain. It used to happen to me where I would see reality show people around town and I think they were my friend. I go, hey, how's it going?

And then I'd realize, oh, I'm just talking to someone I saw on a reality show. Hey, Nene, what's going on? Nene. Is it Nene? Yeah. Hey, flavor flip. It's only, but it's-

Nene leaks. Why is it, but it's only one E both times. That's what it is. I do the whip. I apologize. I do the nene. To Nini Leaks. Sorry to this man.

Watch me whip. Watch me nene. I'm sorry. You should watch me do this. Watch me whip. Watch me nene. It's a song written by a four year old. But I think it triggers something in...

She is cool. I think it triggers something in people's brains of like... No, she doesn't do whip and nae nae. She does, I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth. Where were you thinking Willow Smith? When you said it was written by a four-year-old? No, I was thinking like the idea of a song

that's like, watch me do this, watch me do that. Oh, I was thinking whip my hair back and forth was just by Willow Smith, who was like nine when she did it. Collapse nephew would dance to watch me whip and watch me nae nae when her sister got married. It was so funny. It was like his favorite she did it. Collapse nephew would dance to Watch Me Whip and Watch Me Nene when her sister got married. It was so funny. It was like his favorite song that summer. And he would do this particular choreographed dance.

This is the shoe cleaning entrepreneur? Yes, Nene. Does he still like cleaning shoes? Dude, I saw him the other day, his hair is crazy. If you're listening, Kai, your hair is nuts. I think I saw something on Instagram with him recently. Yeah, it's nuts. Well, everyone's hair is nuts and I'm sick of this. I know, so is mine.

I've only given myself two haircuts. I've only had one haircut during this whole year and it was in July and now my hair is really like long and... But at least you can do stuff you can... Like you've put it up your butt. Yeah, I mean right now I have it up my butt, but like it's getting really like thick in a way that I don't like.

Like I want it to be shaped, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are we talking about? Whipping, Nae Nae? Oh yeah, but I think it's like you see someone famous you've seen on things before. It triggers something in your brain. And then like that used to happen with my friend

where people would go, oh my God, I love you. Hello Drew Carey. And you'd be like, what? Yeah, it's really weird. But I also wonder if it's like, if that happens to people who aren't in entertainment at all. Probably like you see someone and you've seen them. Like I feel like it's common when it's like, no, but I feel like it's common with P2 people who are actors. Hey, are you from the bank? That's why I was trying to think. It's common with two actors. It's the famous guy from the bank.

Because you're like... No, I'm actually from the supermarket. Sorry, Logan. No, it's funny. No, it's quote unquote funny. No, it's funny. People like it. Let it go on. The people wanting to hear that.

Let it go, Han. No, I just think it's, I think there's something about like, if you're a familiar face or something, then people are like, oh yeah, something, and then they just put the wrong person on it or something. Yeah, for sure. I've definitely had that experience many times where it's like, I know that person, and then you realize you just recognize them from a TV show.

Yeah. And it's really, it's like you're trying to place them, like, did we work together on something? Did I go to school with them? Did I hit that? Did I hit that? Did I hit that? That were his catchphrase.

How different that show would have been. Watch me whip. Watch me burnies. Lauren, what do you want to talk about? Red Table Talk. So Willow Smith. I just think she's really cool. And I feel like she got raised right,

even though she's exorbitantly wealthy. She feels like she's really down to earth and she is an interesting person with a lot of interests. And I was looking at her Instagram and she has like a singing duo with this woman and it's really cool. And it's like kind of earthy in this way. It's not like any of the music she did before.

And I- Do they sing about dirt? I don't know what they sing about. But I did watch a little bit and I thought it was really good and I just think she's interesting and I think it must be really hard to be, to grow up, not, it's not hard to grow up really rich and everything, but hard to be grounded in that and to be kind of normal. Sure, yeah. What about Jaden?

What do you think about Jaden? I have less to say about Jaden. I would say Coachella. I don't really, I don't know much about Jaden because I watch you think about Jaden? I have less to say about Jaden. I just just coachella. I don't really know much about Jaden because I watch Red Table talk a lot and she's on that. So I hear her opinions. What's her opinion on Back to the Future? She thinks it's really well done, but like the part... I actually just watched The the other night again.

I love that movie. Oh, it's so good. Don't stop or we'll die. I haven't seen it in a really long time. Is that what it's from? That's a lot of people miss here. The old couple who are freaked out by Marty going back in time and they're driving and they're like, a lot of people mishear what she screams

at him as, don't stop or we'll die. What does she say? I forget exactly what she says. So that's why they named their band. That's why they named their band, don't stop or we'll die. This is our friend's band, don't stop or we'll die. Well they're doing something kind of fun now with the podcast every week where they do a new song.

Yeah, listen to that instead of this. I've seen the clips on Instagram and they all, it's very catchy. All the bands are having podcasts now, Thoppie Boys, Don't Stop the Boys, Don't Stop the Boys. We should start a band. We should start a band. Floppy Boys has a cocktail podcast. What does that mean? They talk about cocktails.

Do you get it now? Yeah, I guess so. Jesus. Guys, let's start a band though, because then we can be working on their side of the street and that way we'll have it covered. What do you want to play, Lauren? Everyone has a fucking podcast. Yeah, so we should have a band because no one has.

Okay, fine. I'll play the kazoo. Oh, I like that. Do you not play any musical instrument? I started learning. You played the clarinet, I thought. Well, yeah, but that was when I was 14. But you could just get back up. That was just to lure dads. I started learning piano during the... Oh my god, I started learning piano during the quarantine.

But I told you this. Oh yeah. Then I kind of stopped and I completely forgot everything. But I really want to do it again. I just, you know, it's one of those things I'll be sitting there right next to it and I'll think, I wish I was doing that right now. And then I just don't get up. You don't just like transfer your butt over to the...

No. I'll think it'd be so much better if I was trying to learn the piano right now. How comfortable is the chair you're in when you're thinking this? It's great. That's probably it. Put that one in front of the piano right now. How comfortable is the chair you're in when you're thinking this? It's great. That's probably what I'm thinking. Put that one in front of the piano. Yeah. So okay, the couch.

It goes in front of the piano. It's just facing it. And I'm just like, la, la, la, la. Do you guys play any tunes? No. You don't play any. I play guitar. Like what?

Like what? What do you mean like what? What can you play? Like what's a guitar? Six strings? What can you play like what's a guitar? Six strings. What can you play anything anything if I said anything I said play this Okay, here we go Can you play from listening some yeah, I can sort of pick out stuff, but I will say David Wayne asked me to play on you know those covers He was doing of like where everyone records their part at home and he puts them together

so he asked me to play this REM song and I sort of picked it out by ear and I was like It didn't sound exactly right and then he's like, oh, there's this website where a guy teaches you how to play. Dan Smith. Any of those songs, Dan Smith. No, but Dan Smith will teach you guitar. Dan Smith will teach you guitar. It's like a flyer that was everywhere.

Oh wow. Anyway, so I watched this and it was fascinating and it was like so interesting to learn the slight differences in the chords that you're picking up by ear of like, and like, oh, well, this one needs a different tuning, you know, stuff that you wouldn't even know. Anyway, he's learning guitar right now.

Oh, we should jam. Yeah, dude. He can play two chords. Which two? Uh, you only need one more. I hear them a lot. I don't know what they are. All you really need is you need C, D and G.

Well, then he'll be he'll be flying in no time. He's got at least two of those. Our friend is teaching him on Zoom. Oh, really? That's fun. So is it annoying to have to hear him practicing a lot? I went out with a girl once and she had the guitar. Like she had bought this really awesome. This is my favorite setup ever. Is it annoying listening practice? I went out with a girl once But she had this awesome guitar that had an amp in the actual guitar

So you have to plug it into anything It was really cool and she bought it and she could barely play so then I would play on it And she would get so annoyed with me playing the same song over and over it's like well That's how you get good at it So that's kind of the annoying thing about learning piano because it's like everyone has to hear me fucking. Dong dong dong. I know. And it's like, I mess up. And I'm also with my app that I use, I have it in

my headphones so I can hear like the rest of the song while I'm playing the notes and it hears my notes. Oh, it hears the notes you're playing. Yeah. So it tells you if you're right. Oh, interesting. It's really cool. So it'll go like wrong, wrong. Actually, I'll tell everyone what it's called because someone told me and that's how I learned What's your plan? Yeah, it tells you if you're right. Oh interesting. It's really cool But so it'll go like wrong wrong actually

I'll tell everyone what it's called because someone told me and I that's how I learned about it But it is I find it it's not particularly annoying when he's learning But I'm sure he knows when he thinks he's good at well No, because he plays sometimes when I'm watching TV and then I'm like can you not do that right now? I'm watching television. Yeah, but I don't really but I also don't want to discourage it because it's like, I don't want to be annoying. It's called simply piano if anyone cares, but I play on a keyboard and it's like. Where'd you get the keyboard?

My cat it. He likes to learn things. Oh, how good does he get at the things before he decides to learn something else? I have the same question. It's a pen. Answer us separately though. Certain things he gets really obsessed with, like with chess, he's very deep in and he's really good.

But then like he, with like piano, he can do much more than I can, but he doesn't care about it now. But I mean, he gets very into things. I'm trying to think of what else he's like gotten really good at. He like is really good at making clay. Loving you. Yeah. He's gonna making clay heads. Really? He likes to do. He used to do it a lot when he was younger but then he got back and he made it on my dad and it's really good. So how really? He just sat there and made it and it looked just like him.

Does he look at the person or a photo of the person or nothing? He wasn't looking at anything. I think he actually started making and then decided it looked like my dad and then went with that. Oh, wow. Did he do it like the lady from the hello video? I don't know that. You said he wasn't looking at anything.

Was he? She's blind in the hello video. Oh, hello, yeah. It makes the weirdest clay head. The blind orichy. The blind orichy, yeah. No, he was looking at it, and then he gave me a ball to work with,

and I made like a piece of shit fish, and I was like, I don't like this. By the way, I read a behind the scenes thing about the Hello video. Yeah. And so Lionel Richie gets to set and the reveal of the head. And he goes, well.

It looks like a chia pet. He goes, this doesn't really look that much like me. And then the person of the head. And he goes, Well, it looks like a chia pet. He goes, this doesn't really look that much like me. And then the person telling the story says like, so I said to Lionel, like, Lionel, she's blind. Like, but the whole point of the video. Is that supposed to be bad? Is that it's supposed to be good.

And yet with- Yes, not that she's guessing what he looks like. So the person telling the story is- It's not supposed to be bad is that it's supposed to be good and yet with yes Not that she's guessing what he looks like the person telling the story is fake It's like acting like Lionel Richie is an idiot for not getting that she's blind and can't that's crazy Otherwise it would just be impressionistic, but it like looks just enough like him and it's so off that it he looks like a monster Have you ever been offended by a drawing of you? Have I ever not been to drawings? Do you want to start? Why do you have one?

Yeah, I have one of you. You've just been saying they're sketching while I've been talking. Yeah, look at that. When I was in theater school, I would draw. I used to be pretty good at drawing, When I was in theater school, I would draw. I used to be pretty good at drawing, so I would draw my teachers or whoever was talking, and they had to ask me to stop at a certain point.

They're like, you have to stop drawing in class. And they were really good. I mean, like. No, they were really good. No, they were in the louvre. After the class, I go, here, I drew this. And they'd go like, no, I threw everything away. What the fuck?

So you can't prove it. Yeah, no, but I was like, quality. Yeah. No, I wanted to be an artist when I was young. I did too. Yeah. I wanted to be a cartoonist. I never thought I had that.

I did take cartooning in high school. Did I do this? No. We took, we had a cartooning class and I had that. I did take cartooning in high school. Did I tell you this? No. We took, we had a cartooning class and I liked it. A whole class? For like a whole semester? It was like an art elective. Oh wow.

I really liked it and we made comic strips. I told you that. Oh. And I was okay at that, but it's, I can only draw very specific animals. Like which ones? List them. Like in a comic-y way. Like I can only draw very specific animals like which ones list like in a comic e way I can draw a mouse and big ears buck teeth whiskers got it. Yeah, but I can only draw it from the side

Which side the front? You only drive from the side the front side I know my skills are very limited. What else? I have one dog that I draw that's not good. Then I used to draw myself as a cartoon and that one was what I typically did in high school. I had a cartoon character that I created called Irving and I would draw, I would draw strips. I really want to be like a Garfield.

Or like Dilbert, like I really wanted to be Scott Adams. Absolutely. Well, you're jacked, which is great. He jacked? Yeah. From the mind. Like his right arm is like really huge. And jerk it off. I'll draw a little bit. No, his left arm is huge.

Draw a little bit. He has his left arm is huge from drawing. He has a really heavy pen. My brother was good at drawing, growing up. Oh, really? He always drew really cool stuff. We should jam. I had it. OK, here's my thought process right now.

It's like, when you said you had your Irving comic strip, I was thinking, I drew comic strips too. And then for a second, I was like, I'm comic strips too. And then for a second I was like, I'm not gonna add this, why am I gonna talk about this? Why? Well it's all we have to talk about is whatever you say. So like, here, I'll also add another thing.

I had this day by day. It just had a weird feeling. Yeah, I know. Someone's just got to know it. I don't even talk about anything on this show. Yeah. I had this day by day calendar of cats. It was just like, um, it was honestly just pictures of cats.

There was nothing about it that was interesting. Right. I just liked cats. Sure. And then I would cut them out and make a comic under them. And so that was under them. Like I would write it. I would write a New Yorker type line under the picture.

You like you cut out the pictures and then paste them on the paper. New Yorker type line under the picture. You'd like, you'd cut out the pictures and then paste them on the paper? New Yorker type line. Were they as lame as the New Yorker? All the cats were going to a psychiatrist. Well, I was eight, so probably they were better than the New Yorker. Oh! New Yorker slams! Shots fired.

But it was enjoyable and I... What do you remember anymore? ...sold them for ten cents. Um, no, I don't remember any of them. But that, you know,, what do you remember anymore? What I'm called sold them for 10 cents. No, I don't remember any of them. But you know, you take the picture and then you just kind of write something stupid under it. But you'd sell them to your mom and dad? Yeah.

Oh, that's adorable. Sell them? Oh, that's so funny. That's adorable. New issue of the cats. It's come out. I loved making newspapers and things like that. Oh yeah.

In high school I made a newspaper, like a monthly newspaper. Monthly. Yeah, like a satirical newspaper. Didn't you work on the newspaper? Yeah, I worked on the newspaper. But you made one, did you hand it out? I did it, yeah, I did it weekly.

And here's the thing, I would hand make the copies. So I would make like five of them. And they'd circulate? Yes, yeah, yeah. And that was really exciting on that day. Wow. It was, some people liked it. It was not like a school-wide sensation But I always loved that kind of thing in high school like oh, it's that like I loved when the onion came out

Yeah, I would get really excited like to run around I would cry because I need to smell so good I I lived my first apartment building in LA The Ho Ho house. Oh've talked about this before. Oh yes, of course. With the photo of, I don't want to say. That's what Pamela Anderson leaves. Pamela Anderson leaves. There was a little coffee table in the lobby where people would leave magazines and stuff for other people.

Take a magazine, leave a magazine. Yes. I love that. One person left Scientology pamphlets and I was like, who is it? I wonder. But I, at the time, had a subscription to the paper edition of The Onion. Oh, yeah. And so I one time put out a stack of onions on the table and the super of the building knocked

on my door and he was angry at me because he thought I was leaving trash on the table. You're like, dude, this is the best news. And I was like, I couldn't explain. Dude, open your mind. I couldn't explain to him like these are not like old like old, you know, months old newspapers. Yeah, it's kind of a satirical magazine But there was like a language barrier and I just I couldn't he was like furious with me One thing to be furious about terrible. Are you okay? Yeah, are you okay right now?

Thank you for asking me, I guess I'm not. I, did I tell you about, did I tell you about when I was 13 and made the Nixon news? What? What was it? So my, you only wrote about what Nixon was up to. Well, my, uh, oh, you don't even know how to get into this live. So it's perfect. Well, I did...

It seems... All I did was I saw Nixon over there and I saw a newspaper over there. One time I did was do something... I don't want to take all the credit, but I also don't want to get too into it. So my friend, I'll just say my friend. My friend did it. She was really into politics. She?

Okay, so it was my girlfriend at the time. No. It's cool. You didn't have 20 girlfriends. She was really into politics and was super liberal. Jane Fonda. Did you like that or were you like, shut up bitch. I liked it.

But we thought it would be really funny to say that Nixon was making a comeback and to make like a fake newspaper all about Nixon making a comeback and being the greatest president of all time. Anyway, so we made like a pretty funny with like, and I drew cartoons. I get it. Yeah. Anyway, so we did, we had all these satirical stories and all that. I don't get it at all.

I don't understand what Nixon did. Watergate. He, you got it. Yeah. Pretty much it. You nailed it. Yeah, pretty much it. You nailed it. He paid a bunch of people to investigate his opponents, to break into their hotel room. Why?

At the Watergate Hotel. And this is going to sound dumb. Why is it that every other president has to deal with the consequences? Of what? Of what they do. Like when they do something wrong, it's like... No one ever has to deal with consequences It's like yeah, Nixon was the last one. Yeah, but nothing ever happened to him

What do you mean? Well, it's like it was marring it was but that's about it. You know what I mean? Donald Trump was impeached Nixon was not was Bill Clinton's impeachment the same as Donald Trump's where he just kept going? He just kept being the president? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't understand that.

And Nixon resigned to avoid impeaching. Sorry to everyone who thinks I'm dumb. I don't care. I don't know about presidential. So Nixon was going to get impeached and they, and all of the people said, hey, you're going to get removed if we impeach you. Yeah. Because everyone has turned against you.

Because essentially the bad thing that he did was bad, but then he went and lied under oath about it. The cover-up was. The cover, and they covered it up. And so once everything came out, and then he taped himself talking about it and incriminating himself. That's fucking a loony tune.

He taped all of his conversations. It's insane. And once they found that out, they were like, well, we want to hear these conversations. And then he kept saying like, oh no, you don't get to hear them. And essentially they subpoenaed them. And he was like, tell you what,

I'll just give you the pertinent tapes. Like I'll give you the tapes that I think you may want to hear. And they're like, no, we need to hear them all. It's such a bold like. Hey, I'll just give you the ones that I think maybe. So eventually they heard all the tapes of him just like confessing to everything

and they said, hey, you're gonna get removed if you get impeached and so he left office. Okay. And then Ford pardoned him when he became president. On his way out the door, yeah. On his way out the door because it would be too, the nation had already been damaged enough and this would be like such a-

Because their faith was shaken in the presidency now. Everyone had always just like idolized each president or whatever. The last thing people want now is consequences for someone's actions. So I'm gonna let him go. And then ever since then, nobody has to deal with anything.

I see. I always kind of thought other people had worse punishment than what Trump was getting. No, no. Look at George W. Bush, he gets minced from Michelle Obama. He gets to hang out with Ellen. Minced pies. That's right.

But in any case, so I thought, you know, we thought it was really funny to do this like five page Nixon news. And more now that you have the context, pretty funny, right? I think it's hilarious. And what I love about it is all the ways that lampoons. Well, that's, we were really inspired by the lampoon. So it's wonderful to do. Well, the Harvard lampoon.

Yes, of course. No, but it was, it was probably not funny or whatever, but it was funny to us in eighth grade that we were like talking about Nixon making a comeback and doing all these satirical articles. Anyway, so we passed it out to everyone. Everyone went into the school, made Xeroxes of it, and I got called into the principal's office and... The confidence to pass it out to everyone? Yeah. Who knows? And I think they liked it or they probably threw it away. Some people kept it

because I think someone like photocopied it and sent it to me. Wow. I keep a lot of stuff like that. I probably have a weird shit like that in a box somewhere. Oh, I bet you got weird shit in a box. So I remember the principal was always like, he was like, well, I got to say this is really funny, really clever, very smart. I was like, hey, thanks. I'm sure it sucked.

He's like, but the- Kicking you out of school. But we have an official newspaper and we, these need to be illegal because- Illegal? These need to be against, not illegal, but against the rules. Yeah.

Because we have an official newspaper and people, I forget what the like bendy over backwards to say, like I'm not gonna punish you because you didn't know that these were against the rules or whatever, but you can't ever do this again. You know. But like other places have more than one news, like cities have more than one news paper. Yeah. And news. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. More cities have more than one news paper. This guy is, he's out of his mind. This guy's a lunatic. He's an idiot. He's a child. He's a fucking child. Grow up, teacher.

We need to take a break. Our first break. Wow. First break of. Yeah. Of 2021. We'll be right back. Bzzzt. What's that sound? Electricity.

Oh, my gosh. Are you Nikolai Tesla? Yeah. What's up, everybody? It's me, Nikolai Tesla. Well I have a question for you Nikolai. Shoot. How much do we three love e-bikes? Wait, you include me? Yeah. I love them. Me too. We love them a lot. Did you ever think that this thing that you helped invent or maybe invented, I don't know your resume all that well. Did you ever think that this thing that you helped invent or maybe invented, I don't know, your resume all that well. Did you ever think it would lead to a bike version? No.

The bicycle, the velocipede is now electric. Yes. It has been electrified. Yes. This is great news for me. From commutes. Commutes? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Can you tell I'm reading this for the first time? From commutes to adventures.

I thought I said Communes and then I just saw it was a T in the middle of the word. You could ride an electrified bike to Commune. From commutes to adventures, riders of all abilities can explore this new year with electric e-bikes. I love it. E-bikes are absolutely the best way to get mobbing and maybe even disco-var, some new neighborhoods around you.

Walking? I actually read it's bad for you. Don't do it, bike instead. Yeah, cruising around my neighborhood on my electric e-bike has become my new go-to little self-care ritual whenever I have a free morning. It's one of the most comfortable bikes I've ever ridden and I love how much they let you customize your ride. Oh, I love this electric talk. Nikolai, take

this part. Explore 2024 with electric eBikes. That's like electric but without the E at the front. The most accessible and adventurous eBikes ever. Visit electricebikes.com to learn more. And be sure to mention that 3DOM sent you in the post-checkout survey. That's L-E-C-T-R-I-C-E-Bikes.com. Welcome back. Slim into a slap gym. Slap into the slim slam. You know what I'm sick of?

What? Tell us, boss. It's time for Lord's favorite department. You know what I'm sick of? COVID. Yeah, but the... Sick from. The...

The... We all have. Joke set up, if you blank, you don't need to worry about the vaccine. If you... It was funny. The first thing I... I've never was funny. The first thing I, the first one I saw was really funny. It was a picture of like dirty pillows.

Like yellowed pillows. Oh, I understand. And it was like, if your pillows look like this, you don't have to worry about the vaccine. I thought that was really funny. That was my favorite one. I think I read it today for the first time. Like if you thought Brie Larson was terrible

in Captain Marvel, you don't have to worry about- That's a stretch. That one's crazy. Well, you know how there's a bunch of like terrible people out there who like don't like Brie Larson was terrible and Captain Marvel, you don't have to worry about it. What? That's a stretch. That one's crazy. Well, you know how there's a bunch of like terrible people out there who like don't like Brie Larson because she's No, I don't. But they applied it to the vaccine thing? Why don't they like her?

The vaccine meme? Because she happened to say she thinks more women and people of color should work behind the scenes. And that is heresy to people. I was like, wait, what's wrong with that? Obviously, I, yeah, that's ridiculous. It's a merit-based system. Oh my God.

Like everything is. Like everything is. Just benefiting white men. And sorry, out there, if you don't like what we're saying. Anyway, so I understand what you're saying. If you don't like what we're saying about that, then you don't like the show. I feel like you, but like.

You don't like us talking about pee-pee and boo-boo. Although it's weird, there's like people. You can't, you can't like both. You can't have both and boo boo. Although it's weird, there's like people. You can't. You can't like both. You can't have both ways, people. It's so weird that there's people that are fans of like Star Trek, which is, which of the ideas like a utopian society where we've put aside, you know, all these stupid bickering things that we have on Earth right now. Yeah.

And it's like, I don't like politics. It's very similar with comic books where there, you know, there's all these people who are like, hey, stop trying to make heroes that are, that are black or women, you know, it's like, you know, stop trying to pander. And it's like all these people who have grown up reading these moral stories about people trying to do the right thing, but then you realize they're only into the power fantasy part. Exactly. And that's what the Star Trek thing is like. you realize they're only into the power fantasy part of it. Exactly. And that's what the Star Trek thing is.

They're like, they're like the lasers and the imperialism and the fighting and feeling like, well, what if I were a good fighter? You know? That's stars. Star Wars too to a certain degree, because. It's the same thing with Star Wars. Yeah, Star Wars has like so many strong female characters.

Like Princess Leia is a stronger female character than you remember in the first movie. Like she is absolutely like not in distress. She is she doesn't need to be rescued. She's like very much tougher than I than I remember it as a kid, but because she's not the focus of the movie in the way that the guy is and his journey and everything. Yeah.

But it's still like, you know, like, oh, you put a woman in this just to do it because people have, I don't know, it's like, what did you think? What did you think you were watching? Yeah. I hate everyone. In any case, so you don't like this. So it's the first one. I'm getting sick of it because everyone's doing it.

Like, it's, those things are fun for like a second. It's like, why can't a joke just be a good joke? Why do you have to do your spin on the joke? Now the joke is like, if you wear your shoes in your house, you don't have to worry about a vaccine. If you drive this type of car, you don't have to worry about a vaccine. If you, you know, I just don't care. Yeah.

And then living rent free in my mind is now one of the, well, this is a Twitter problem. I mean, because if I wasn't on Twitter, I wouldn't know any of this and I wouldn't give a fuck. Did not even... Twitter ruins jokes. It runs them into the ground. I think I really...

Here's the problem. I connect with friends through Twitter. So I do feel that I enjoy going on and seeing, oh, what did you say? And hanging out with people, but the retweeting part of it has ruined Twitter. Because now you have to read what other people say. But I don't mind that so much, because usually,

I curate my Twitter so that I have a list of people that I enjoy following. Oh, I don't have a list. It's a very wide-ranging list. So it's people that think like me, it's people that don't think like me, it's people that think like me. It's people that don't think like me. It's people that I trust to retweet things that I'm going to enjoy.

And it's how I find other people that I like to follow. But my thing is, and it's like, it's like one of those things that I can't be mad about, but it's like when people wanna reply reply and they want to do their own Joke and a reply Part of it Retweet someone's joke and then bad replies come in yes, absolutely me. Yes, that's mortifying Of course these losers would want to add this joke now this nice person followers or losers. I love all of mine

I have only good followers, but when you, then I'm like, oh, I retweeted a joke of someone who doesn't have that many followers. Now they have to deal with this fucking shit. I know. Why couldn't they just enjoy their show? It's a responsibility. I know.

So that is what Lauren's mad about this week. That's it. That's what I'm mad about right now as I opened my phone and saw one, but. Is that the only thing that you, you can be mad about one thing a week? Is this the thing that you wanna be mad about this week? No, no, no, no.

Or do you wanna be mad about something else? I gotta be mad about something else. That's how good it could be. What else do you wanna be mad about? That's how good it could be. Everybody, what'd she do? Exciting. What'd she do?

She up in the window? She walked past the window. Did she throw open this sash? She did not throw open this sash. She did not throw up in this ash. She shouldn't throw up. I think the thing I'm mad about, and I'm going to cry. This is a new thing.

Yeah, but no, it's now that it's February, I'm sure I'm mad about something else, but I did see people that I know traveling, cavalierly with no quarantine and no nothing to their families. Yeah, I did too. Janie and I were talking about this. Janie and I were talking about this. Does Janie get that a lot or is that just here?

I feel like I get it a lot here. Yes, you do. From me. She doesn't say her own name in context or sentence. We added a weird moment recently. She has lately started saying my name to get my attention. Paul. Wow.

Like that? Instead of like Babe. Yeah. It's really strange. I finally had to say like, you know, when you say that, I feel like something bad is happening. I don't like when Mike calls me Lauren. Yeah. I don't like when Mike calls me Lauren. Yeah.

I go, stop. We only do it if it's like, if maybe if we're, I'm trying to think like this specific instance is where we say each other's names and it's not weird. Well like in front of other people, like my dad is staying with us. So I'm not saying babe or anything like that. It's like that to me, it's like, I find that weird. Or sweet tush. Yeah, or like sack of nuts.

Sack of nuts. Shockful of nuts. I'll just say Mike, but it's like, then when we're alone, I don't feel like I'm usually saying Mike. Are you embarrassed that your dad would think that you think he's a baby? A baby. A baby.

She might mistake him for a baby. I just think my parents never call each other baby. Why do they call each other? By their names? Mother, father, father. Yeah, I guess. Their names, I guess. The one thing that bothers me is that it was a transition.

And so I remember thinking it was a transition. This is what's great about my parents not talking to each other. Right. Now especially. Oh, maybe they are. Maybe they're freaking out. They're up in heaven. Oh, God.

I was sorry about all that. What a horrible thing to like. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. are. Maybe they're freaking out. They're up in heaven. Oh, God. I was sorry about all that. What a horrible thing to like, you stay married your whole life.

Yeah. Just waiting for death. Yeah. So you can part company. Exactly. And then you're up in heaven because you got married. You're put together. Yeah, you guys have the same last name.

Oh, God. I thought you were a thing. I thought you were an item. The one thing that bothers me is when Cool Upap calls me Aukerman around other people because it's like... You feel like you're just buds. No, it's... She does...

It's like... Did she call you that in private? No. Hey, Aukerman, what are you... Because it's like... It's a... Okay, so this is what I liken it to. You know how when you watch The Bachelorette or something?

Yes. No, I liken it to. You know how when you watch The Bachelorette or something? Yes. No, I'll check out. Any kind of reality show when someone's, calls someone the kid. Yeah. It bugs me because it's a status thing. Yeah. Where you're like, you know, the kid just bugs me.

Like, he's a good kid, but he- What? Oh, it's like what the two guys would say about each other. Two guys, yeah. Not the Bachelorette. They're saying it about each other. Like two competitors are like, this kid is like, so if you call anyone a kid,

it's like a status thing where you think you're better than them. So that's what it feels like when she's like, hey, Aukerman, around other people. It feels like, no, just call me what you call me at home. Which is sweet honey pie. Heartbreak. They're apure. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to say, Hey, Paul, they're gonna turn our water off. Oh, thank you for that. Paul, they're gonna turn our water off. Why is that so? Is that a good example? I just think it's so

funny like an emergency or it happened. They're gonna turn our water off. I mean, that wouldn't be good. It would make a reveal of like, I haven't been paying the bill for six months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Paul. I thought you meant if like, someone's like the plumbers over at your house. Like don't you have to go a pretty long time before they turn, I feel like I've missed bills

and they don't turn it off right away. Oh, it's usually like a five month thing. I think when I've gotten stuff shut off, it was like a while, yeah. What, did, there's been times in your life where you've had stuff shut off. Yeah, like a while, yeah. What did, there's been times in your life where you've had stuff shut off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Like what have you gotten shut off?

Electricity. Okay. Electricity. We're suddenly just like boo-sh. And then you went, damn it, I didn't pay the bill ever. Ooh, they found out. Yeah. They caught up with you. I'm trying to think of like, yeah, stuff that's been,

because usually like apartments I would live in, there would be a couple things included, but then there would be something where it's like, you're on your own for that. Gas was always a big one. I always found that, I don't like that. I would just have this dead stove in my house, no heat. But you were like, it's fine, I'm a guy.

Yeah, yeah. This is what guys do. This is what guys do. Saturdays for not having heat. Oh, that just reminded me of my power going out in the freezing cold in Chicago. Oh, fuck. For some reason, our heat was turned off,

but I think it might have been just, it was happening to everybody. Don't tell you when our power went out on Labor Day of this year? No, but can I just say that I was so fucking cold and I was wearing everything I owned and it was still freezing. Can I tell you about? My power went out.

What happened on Labor Day? Well, your power went out. Yeah, because my birthday was September 6th and it was, the power went out on my birthday and that was disappointing. And we heard your- But I was still fine. We heard your power went out, so when I,

and yours got- So we turned our power off. Solidarity. Solidarity. No, but you texted us that yours came back on after two hours or something. It was a heat wave. Yeah, so there texted us that yours came back on after two hours. It was a heat wave. Yeah, so there's a heat wave going on on Liberty.

They were doing rolling outages. Liberty weekend, rather. So ours went out at, I remember I was out here. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I was right here. I'll never forget. I was right out here.

Oh, what a night. And I was thinking. It was November 19, 1963. No, I was out here and I had the stereo on and the music playing and suddenly it just shut off and it was four 30 or so. And you thought? I thought, oh, I guess.

So now I have to lay in the pool with no music? I just got high 10 minutes ago. Oh no, I dropped my bean. What am I gonna do? No, but I thought, oh, okay, so it'll be back. It'll be back on at like 6.30, which I think at the time it was getting dark at seven. So I was like, oh yeah, that's fine.

And then it was so hot, and then just the hours kept going by and going by, and it didn't get, it wasn't like yours where it came back on after two hours. And so at like nine o'clock, suddenly all of the air conditioning had worn off and it was sweltering in the house and none of the lights were on

and we were using flashlights and we were like, okay, I guess we should, even though we don't feel really safe about it, we can't stay here because we won't be able to sleep. Let's go to a hotel, then every hotel, none of them would take dogs. And then our... So gone to a hotel for dogs.

That's true. Do you take humans? But then the other part that we didn't know is we were, we finally were like, can we just go over to our friend, Tal John's house and we're like, can we stay at your place even though like we haven't quarantined or whatever?

Like we just can't be here. But our gate, our electric gate wouldn't open so we couldn't drive there. So I had to figure out how to open the gate manually, which was like a huge deal. Anyway, so. And did cook go, wow, what a man. What a man, what a man.

That made me hot and bothered. But that was. She was hot and bothered. So that was the one time. So did this power outage. But that was the one time that we went over to our friends place where we just kind of gave up. We were like life circumstances of life.

Yeah. Just felt who cares if we get COVID. I can't sleep at a hot house. I haven't gone to anyone's house. I did one time. Maybe I did once. September. It was my birthday. Late September 1963. It was my birthday and we were going to sit outside

and it was when all the fires were happening and so the air was unbreathable. This is around the same time. Yeah, it was around the same time. So we went inside and it felt very illegal. Yeah, I did go inside, actually it was on my birthday and I felt it illegal. Yeah, I did go inside. Actually, it was on my birthday. And I felt- It was my-

It was my one other couple. And I felt crazy. But it was nice. Like the times, even just seeing people, I feel like the times I've seen people, I'm like loving it. Because I'm so starved. Ba-ba-ba-ba-da!

But I really, I just really can't wait for that feeling to go away when like you feel like. When you're finally just sick of people. This feels so weird that I'm like near you. It was afterwards we were, you know, we had dinner and we were, you know, in a big room we were far apart from each other. But afterwards it felt like it was really,

I had like a really weird come down because it felt so normal. Yeah. It felt so normal. Then it's back to the same old. And then it's back to the same old. Well this sort of- But that's why all those cheaters are out there doing it and just getting together.

I just wanted- They should reboot cheaters about people who are cheating. Cheaters. COVID cheaters. Look at this guy. He thinks he's gonna get away with it. I used to love cheaters. Oh, I love cheaters. Look at this guy. He thinks he's going to get away with it. I used to love cheaters. Oh, I love cheaters. It was a fun show. It was so weird. What a weird show. I told you about that, the weirdest episode of cheaters with

the guy introducing it in a tux, the producer, and then throwing it to the old host who was in the studio. No, the new host who was like, hi, I'm the new host of cheaters. Joey Greco or something? I think he was Joey Greco. Yeah. But then the footage they had had the old host because the new host hadn't done any of the footage yet. So there were three fucking hosts of one episode of cheaters. It was so funny. Yeah, it does feel weird to be around people. And that's when we went over to my friend's house, it was kind of like, we had both gotten tested recently. So it was kind of like, we felt,

and neither of us go anywhere. So it was kind of like, it felt okay, but it was very weird to suddenly, for the first, we ended up having to stay there for two days cause it finally got turned back on two days later. And for the first two or three hours, we were pretty like aware and trying to wear masks around each other.

And then at a certain point it was like, this is impossible and stupid, we can't even do this. But it felt, it did feel risky though. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It felt like, to me it felt like doing when you would, in World War II, when you were not, you know, rationing or you weren't like pulling the blinds

when you were supposed to do it. It felt very, it felt very much like a, you are not doing your part during a national crisis kind of illegal feeling. Yeah, like you would have to turn out the lights when like they were bombing and stuff like that. So they couldn't see like where the city was. Yes, exactly.

Oh my God. Exactly. Oh my God. Oh my God, you guys. Why would they ever bomb anyone? It's honestly horrible. Oh yeah. I mean all the Why would they ever bomb anyone? It's honestly horrible. Oh yeah. I mean all the shit that people have to do.

It's horrible. That sounds fucking bad. And you're just sitting there waiting to get fucking, you know, this is why it's so infuriating. This is like. I know. You're being asked to do so little. I'm sorry. During the break we were watching a lady yelling at people in a CVS for having to wear a mask.

And it's like. I saw that. A Christian wig character. It's CVS for having to wear a mask. And it's a Christian wig character. Yeah. It's just like. What a bitch. I, I feel like I would just. I can't say that, but you can. I can't imagine being in there and like not telling her to fuck off. Like, get the fuck out of here, idiot.

Yeah. Why do you need to be in here? And what's your fucking point? And you know you're just doing it to be annoying. Like. So is this the thing you're mad about? Yeah. I'm mad about that too. Okay, this is officially-

This is it. Okay, anti-maskers who feel the need to fight you on it. Just be an anti-masker and just don't go anywhere. How about these dum-dums who are doing like little parades through a target and stuff like that? I know, I know. It's so lame. It's mortifying.

I can't, I just, it's so lame. It's mortifying. I can, I just, it's so, imagining being their child. Humiliating. I just feel so empathetic to these children. Oh, speaking of things like that. Yeah. I've been watching this show, I don't know if I mentioned this to you called

Welcome to Plathville, have we talked about this? It sounds familiar. It's fascinating. What, is it a reality show? Yes. And the show is the Plathville, have we talked about this? Oh, it sounds familiar. It's fascinating. What, is it a reality show? Yes. And the show is the Plath family and they live in... Yes, okay. Georgia, southern Georgia.

And they live in the middle of nowhere, small town. No words, Phil. Parents have... USA. I don't know how many kids there are, like eight or something, there's a lot. And they are so sheltered But then these kids the older ones are starting to venture out in the world. So it's almost like Breaking Amish. Oh

Really don't know anything like they don't they never had a coke. They've never You know gone to the movies They don't have any like the typical experiences of a child growing up in America. Because they live in a small town? No, because the parents are very strict. And so they would take them. But they have like PlayStation, right? No, they don't have a TV.

They would go to, they only listen to religious music. They never heard like pop music. So then they start venturing out and then they- Except for DaBaby, right? Yeah, now one of them is like an underwear model He got like really swole and he's an under a model. Oh, and the parents are like this. I think I've seen this guy Yeah, you're They're all the problem is they've raised them so

So strictly that now they're all Trying new things and it's like very crazy to the parents even though the things they're doing really are tame but like It's it's very very interesting. It's also happening in the Impala family. This girl moves out She's like 16 17 and she gets her first kiss on the show. Oh, and then and then when it happened She's like can we pray? Oh? And then she says like Dear God, I just want to be able to like handle this correctly with this guy and she says it to him like but to the sky and It's it's a really interesting show. I did it a Mormon girl. I

Did a Mormon girl when I was you date? I don't know. He's always got a girlfriend forever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah He's like I wrote a newspaper with my friend. Well, she was my girlfriend. And I dated this Mormon girl and... Okay, so when I was 19 or 20... It was a very good year. It was December 1963. No, we... I dated this Mormon girl for a while

and I felt really weird about it because... How long is a while? Like a summer. The summer of my Mormon girl. But I felt really strange about it because she was very Mormon. I remember like on a what day can they not... I mean that's how you're referring to her so I mentioned so. What day can they not go out and do stuff is it Sunday?

October 30th. Or Saturday. Yeah but they're too scared. The devil's day. But I remember like her saying yeah well yeah we can hang out and be going over to her place. And she had a book of like, because you can't pay money for stuff. Is that what it is? What?

There's a certain thing we're on Sundays, I believe you can't spend money. I never heard of this. Because that's making, you can't work and that's making someone else work if you spend money. I see, I see. So there she had a book. So you can't work and you have to prevent other people from working. Yes. Well, you can't encourage I see, I see. So there, she had a book. So you can't work, you don't have to prevent other people from working. Yes. Well, you can't encourage anyone to work. Right. So she had a book of fun things to do on

a date that didn't cost money or whatever. And she's like, see, we can do some of this. I was like, this is lame. But. Like number one should have been have sex. Right. Well, that's what, I mean, my other friend who was Mormon, he went on missionary. Is that what they call it? He went on a mission. He was a missionary. He went on a mission. Well, that's what he was saying is like all of them were having sex. You're correct about your Sunday thing. I am. Okay. So and exercise and manual labor is best reserved for the other six days of the week as our exercise, swimming and other recreation. You may wonder what Mormons are allowed to do on Sunday.

The fact is that this commandment, just like all the others is for our benefit, not the Lord, anyone who has faithfully lived the commandment of keeping the Sabbath holy can tell you that a strength has come into his or her life. The soul needs rest and rejuvenation, just like the mind does. Anybody who's done this can tell you, it's great.

It's great, yeah, they love it. They have to buy books, how to circumvent it. Here's a book about how you can possibly have fun. This thing is great and it's boring as shit. Here's a book. So I remember and I was always very respectful of her. Like we would make out and I was very respectful. You would listen to her pray afterwards. No, but I was respectful about not going far with it,

even though it seemed like she wanted me to. Oh, she did. But I remember her asking me where this was going, because I think I was going away to theater school after that, like after the summer. And I was like, well, no, no, or she's like, then why, then why do we get together and do this? I was like, well, why do you think we are? She's like, well, if this isn't heading towards marriage, what? I was just like, uh, I think you got the wrong

idea about me, baby. I'm a rambling man. Uh, don't you know I have many girlfriends. I plan to date a lot of people throughout the years, including someone at Marie Calendar. So, man, I'm not gonna dream about me. Including someone that I've run a newspaper about in the past. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Just always like, well, I had a girlfriend. I was doing some of them. Some of them are the same girl, probably. All right, well, then we should get more specific. Same girl. I feel like every once in a while,

I hear about one of them listening to one of these shows. So I want to feel, what's that? I was singing the song, Same Girl by Usher. And what's his fucking name? Why does it leave my mind? Because he's canceled. Usher, who's canceled? Oh, Chris Brown. R. Kelly. R. Kelly, thank you.

Oh. They had a song where they are... They're sharing with each other this new girl in their lives. Oh, nice. They have a new girl in their lives. Turns out it's the same girl. Damn! What a horrible situation. And to be singing about it? They're comparing notes.

So they found out during the song. Went to Georgia Tech, works at TBS. No way. Yeah. Went to Georgia Tech and works at TBS. No way. Yeah. Went to Georgia Tech and works at TBS. And was in Georgia, yes. Interesting. Yeah.

Wait, that's the lyrics? Yeah. I like the song. I think also she loves some Waffle House. Well, that's anyone. I'm sorry, works at TBS. That doesn't narrow it down at all. It's hilarious.

Works at TBS. She lives in Atlanta. They know that she lives in Atlanta. It's like a very nice lady. She's a professional woman. Yeah, she's a great job in show business. I think it's disrespectful to call her a girl. Was she in development?

I don't, they don't go into that in the song. Could she green light in the room? Yeah. All right, we have to take a break And we're back it's time for a three-chart it's time for three chair we always do this We won't stop doing it by whom was this submitted well Scott. I'm glad you asked This is submitted by karate surfer Thank you karate surfer Thank you. Thank you. Honestly karate Surfer. Thank you so much.

Honestly, Karate Surfer, thank you so much. Hey, Karate Surfer? Thanks, man. Or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or and last word, for example, a few good men in black or la la land before time. The other two pitched the first player a movie with that title that combines the plots of both original movies as a... Sorry, I had to cough. Pardon me. Okay.

Pardon the little fuck out of me. The other two, bless your silly ass. The other two pitch the first player movie with that title that combines the plots of both original movies as a crossover slash New concept slash reboot slash, etc. Trying to get the first player to green light their pitch. Hell, yeah, let's do it. Okay Paula, do you want to think of the first title? No, I sure don't. I just read the thing. How about, um, how about... Wait, so I have to put it back to do the before and after? Yeah. This is the hard part of the thing is thinking of these titles. So think of one movie, then think of a different movie, then put them together. And remember we have to do this three

times. Three times. Okay, I'll think of it too, and whoever thinks of one first can. And then meanwhile, Paul, you have to talk. Yeah, I have to say things to keep the listener listening. Or else, goodbye podcast. No one likes you because of quiet. How about home alone? Is there a movie that starts with a loan? This is the hard part.

You have to come up with it. But this is fun. This is how we get it going. Alone again. Miracle on here. I got one. OK. Miracle on 34th Street Car Name Desire. There. This is classic movie. This is OK. So Paul and I have to pitch us to you. Yes. Hey, thank you for seeing us. Thank you for. This is it. Okay. So Paul and I have to pitch a C.

Yes. Hey, thank you for seeing us. Thank you for seeing us. It's fine. Do you mind if I lay down? No, I guess that's all right. Great. It's your office.

All right. On the floor or on the couch? I'm going to lay down on my desk. On your desk? Oh, it seems like a comfortable desk. Fabulous Baker Boys. Is your desk made out of pillows? This looks so...

Yes, this is made out of a few pillows. Oh, wow. Just a few. Can I ask, can you green light in the room? I do have that power. I don't always use it. Actually, I rarely use it. I have a friend who works at TBS who can do that.

Does she work at TBS? She works at Georgia Tech, yeah. Long story short, I'm sleepy. So why don't we get to the crack adillian of what you're going to say? OK, well, we have a great movie pitch for you. And the title. Should we start with the title? Yes, it's called.

I like the title. It kind of grounds me. OK. It's called, Miracle on 34th Streetcar of Desire. Name Desire. Name Desire. It's long. It's so long.

But it earns the title. Okay. Because there's a lot of story that happens. And I figure once you've read to the end of the title, you're already in. You know, at that point you're pot committed. That's true. I mean, I feel like I've committed. I'm like, well, what am I going to turn it off?

Now I already read the whole title. Yeah, exactly. Open on. And how do you guys know each other? We are brothers and sisters. Okay. And how long has that been going on? Became legal.

Probably. Became legal three hours ago. Two months and three hours ago. Get your story straight, guys. We did. We just did. We just did. Maybe you weren't listening.

And what's your favorite thing to do together? Oh, anything that doesn't cost money on Sunday. So, with Zoo, we go through Monday to Saturday. Monday through Saturday, every day. Monday through Saturday, we're at the zoo. Because it costs money. Sunday, all we do is count money that we're not spending. Yep.

OK, and what's your favorite food to eat together? I go lady of the tramp style. Spaghetti tacos. Spaghetti tacos. Spaghetti tacos. Have you ever read a spaghetti taco? No, it's just disgusting. What? You love spaghetti? You love tacos? You get all those carbs with the pasta.

Yeah. And the taco shell. More carbs with taco shell. I hear you. All right. Oh, thank God you can hear us. And do you guys go to bed? Is this all an audio test?

Do you guys go to bed at the same time? Yes, we do. Yes, we do. Eight. Eighteen. Eighteen PM. Hundred hours. So six o'clock. Six o'clock PM. Yep, we love it. And I guess my final question is... Do you want to hear this pitch? Well my final question, excuse me, is what's the movie about? Now

I understand your methods. Very well played. Well, we open in New Orleans, the big easy Santa Claus's hometown. The big easy Santa Claus is from there. Santa Claus is we see. Does he have nine crocodiles? He has nine crocodiles and one has a red nose. I'm afraid I don't get that reference. Oh well because of the reindeer. You wrote this movie and you don't get that reference. Oh well because of the reindeer. You wrote this movie and you don't get the reference? I didn't write this movie, I'm pitching this movie. You're pitching it and you don't get the reference of why Santa would have nine of some? I don't know anything about Santa Claus.

I do luckily so. That's why we make a great team. Exactly. I know everything about New Orleans. He knows everything about Santa Claus. Bourbon Street, for instance. Santa Claus loves walking up and down Bourbon Street with a hurricane cup in his hand, just getting shitfaced.

He's clutching his tits for beads. That's right. No one's asking him to, but he's doing it. Every day except. Sunday. December 24th. That's when he has to fly around New Orleans and only New Orleans, yelling and screaming

for his wife to let him inside. Okay. Now. I like this. I like this a lot. I relate to this. My husband is always screaming outside of our house. Great.

We feel like if there's a lot of people that this will resonate. It resonates. It resonates. Absolutely. So his wife, Mrs. Claus has this sister and she is a damaged goods. She is. She is, I mean, who brews the banana?

Exactly. She wears yellow all the time. All the time and her mascara is running. Yes. She looks like a damned mess. Are you on your phone? Yeah. Sorry, something came up.

What happened? You know, another meeting is being scheduled. Oh, oh. It's being scheduled for very soon. Do you want us to rush or do you want us to slow down? Well, I'm still listening to you. I wouldn't be able to do both of these things, so I just need that to be known. Okay, so fishing. So let's keep going.

The sister with the mascara, she doesn't believe that her sister's husband is real. Yeah, a figment of her imagination or a story told to children. A chrome of beef, a son of a mother. Sure. So she takes her sister to court to prove that her husband is not real. But the... Her husband, by the way, is a mailman.

No, the husband's Santa Claus. Yeah. The mailman of gifts. You got me. So, the sister, Mrs. Claus, countersues to prove that he is real. Yeah. And that Israel is also real. It should be recognized as a nation. Yes. This story takes place in the United States.

I love it. OK, so ultimately my feeling is I'm going to green light it because I love it. Well, that's a great feeling. That's a great ultimate feeling. So I'd love for this to be made now. And I want it to be made. How soon do you need it made?

During COVID. How soon is now? During COVID. You want to make during COVID. That's us to be made. How soon do you need it made? During COVID. How soon as now? During COVID. You want to make during COVID. That's gonna jack the budge up a little bit because of my COVID thriller. No precautions and no testing and I want it done now. You want no testing?

No precautions, no testing. Movie now. Can we have doctors and nurses there wearing the attire they would wear in the hospital? As long as they are supposed to be characters in the film. We could set this in a hospital. So you want some scrubs? I want some scrubs.

A scrub is a guy who can't get no COVID from me. And seen. and Sorry Something on my phone that needed to be stopped Russian hacker Yeah There's a lot of spam texts lately. Oh my god. They've decided like, okay, you're not gonna pick up our calls. We're gonna constantly text you. Yeah, I forgot. This number works two ways.

I got one today. Oh, yeah, you did? Yeah. Let's see. Today, final day, you can get a concealed carry gun certificate permit downloaded here. It takes only 15 minutes. Oh, just download it.

Just click the link. Well, I just have a question of how much time we have because I do have to go soon. Uh, look, that can be our only round. Quite honestly. We make the rules here. I can't remember any other two movies. And we can come back to that feature another time. We'll come back to it another time.

Thank you, Karate Surfer. Thank you, Karate Surfer. Like, these guys are making fun, but honestly, thank you so much, Karate Surfer. No, honestly, thank you so much because without you, we couldn't have done that. I know it sounds like I was laughing and stuff, but sincerely, thank you, Karate Surfer. Thank you so much. All right, we'll be back again next week. We'll be back again next week.

We can't be stopped. Freedom, the podcast. We'll be back again next week. All to the podcast. Next week. All right, we'll see you. Bye. Bye. Megan is joined by guests like Serena Williams, Mariah Carey, Paris Hilton, Issa Rae, and Trevor Noah as they delve into the roots of countless common descriptors of women, like Diva, Crazy, Dumb Blonde, and The B-word, and redefine and reclaim each identity along the way.

The complete season of archetypes is out now on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts.