TigerBelly - Bert Kreischer & You May Say It’s Disturbing

Episode Date: March 19, 2025

Bert Kreischer makes his 6th appearance and Bobby sings a song.  Visit www.bluechew.com or more details and important safety information, and we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. Ladies and Gentlemen, legendary comedy icon, Bill Burr is now streaming on Hulu with his new Hularious stand-up special, Bill Burr: Drop Dead Years. Head to www.turtlebeach.com and use code [BELLY] for 10% off your entire order.  That’s 10% off your order at www.turtlebeach.com with promo code [BELLY].

["Sukhumvit"] No! Yeah. What's happening? No, no! You can't lose those. I know, I know. You got a better job? No, I said to him, I was like, listen, we're starting a sitcom. We just started production today. Yeah. And I said to everyone, I was like, yo, if you guys want to take this as an opportunity to grow, you should. Yeah. And he was like, I'm going to take you up on that. So I was like, yo, if you guys want to take this as an opportunity to grow, you should.

And he was like, I'm gonna take you up on that. So I was like, cool, it's right for him, dude. He's too talented. And what does he wanna do, produce it? I think he just wants to get into production and making television and making movies. Is he working with you on this sitcom? I don't know, I set him up with my buddy Tony.

I said, you guys should have a conversation and just see what's out there. It's like, dude, no one wants to be someone's assistant their whole life Yeah, I think it's a good job. I mean look at these guys. They're going nowhere What happens okay ready for real though what happens I say Bobby dies I mean I work for you. We go build up your studio We build your empire. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, these are good guys. But I think that. Thanks, man. Well, 10-year-old Gilbert already wants to leave. All they take to work for Bert. Yeah. All right.

And then I think George still has, oh, but if I'm dead, no bad friends. That's a tough one. That's a tough one. You know what we should do? What? We should join first as, never mind. The Asian accents on it. That's a tough one. You know what we should do? What? We should join forces, nevermind. Asian accents on it.

What's going on? We should join voices. We should join forces. It's okay. I've had so much coffee today. Okay, we'll give you another shot here. We should join forces. Yeah, yeah, very good.

And do like a epic podcast production house. Dude, we should. Mash up Birdie Boy, mash up Tiger Belly. Yeah, we should. We should, Bert. Wow, wonderful. No, it's like, what if we just made the dream team? Do you guys produce Bad Friends also?

Why don't we just bring you into the loop over at your mom's house? Bad Friends is at your mom's house. What about Tiger Belly? Advertisement. What about Tiger Belly? They wonisement. What about Tiger Belly? They won't have us. Would they? We're at a three letter company still.

We're at ATC. Oh, for real? Yeah, yeah. That's great. But that would be my ultimate dream is that, you know what I mean, us, our ecosystem, create, like, this company, you know, I think Alan at YMH is great. He's great. He's awesome.

He's a fucking hungry person. He's awesome. Here's the deal. I don't want the lift Tom doesn't mind. Like Tom doesn't mind dealing with comics and being everyone's boss. Cause I just think about me. Like I do. I go, how does this benefit me?

How does this benefit Bert? No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm so tired of Instagram with these meta diagnoses on psychological problems. Yeah, no. Listen, I'm so tired of Instagram with these meta-diagnosises on psychological problems. Oh, I hate, yeah, they tell me what I have. Yeah, you're a narcissist. Yeah, narcissist. Narcissist, yeah, yeah.

I'm not a narcissist because I walk in front of everybody. I have longer legs than I have. Exactly, exactly. I'm not a narcissist because I like to watch people suffer. Yeah. Why? I am not a narcissist. I'm not a narcissist because I don't recognize it

and I think it's actually their fault. I'm not a narcissist. Exactly, I don't even do the ghost, not the ghost, smoke screen, no not smoke screen, what's the thing, gaslighting. Dude, smoke screening? Smoke screening is a better word. I know smoke screen, I gaslight you. I gaslight you, right?

So I don't, what are you, a clinical psychologist? What's going on on the internet? I'm so tired of it. It's like the internet, I'm so, I'll tell you? I'm so tired of it. It's like the internet. I'm so, I'll tell you what I'm really tired of. I'm gonna back you 100%. Your phone listens to your conversations. I don't know if everyone gets this.

Do you get signs your liver is failing? It's my phone. My phone is like, god damn it, he drinks a lot. He's having another one? He's ordering another one? There's a principal in Florida who's got the DTs. He's got cirrhosis of the liver and his hands shake. Oh, you might also have Michael J. Fox syndrome.

I'll tell you right now. I mean. You met him? No. Michael J. Fox. I was like, there's a lot of things he can't do that no one thinks about he can't do. Oh, let me think. Let me hear.

I mean, chopsticks. What do you mean, what's chopsticks? Michael J. Fox can't use chopsticks. one thinks about he can't do. Oh, let me think, let me hear. I mean, chopsticks. Wait, wait, what's chopsticks? Michael J. Fox can't use chopsticks. Oh, that's right. I never thought about that. When he goes to an Asian restaurant,

and they're like, he's like, can I get a fork? And they're like, for real, sir? And he's like, sir. Was that your accent? My accents are bad. They're like, sir, that's so not what you're supposed to do. What is that? How about Chobastick?

I'm bad at accents. I have another thing that he can't do. You know the arcades, that dance dance machine? DDR. Yeah, DDR. Is that what it's called? Dance Dance Revolution. Oh, Dance Dance Revolution, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I play DDD. What's that, Dungeons and Dragons? Dungeons and Dragons. Everybody danced the whole time. Dance Dance Dungeons and Dragons. Imagine now, whole time. Dance, dance, Dungeons and Dragons. Imagine now, people have this set up on a table, right? They have their little dice or whatever, and Bert's in the corner just dancing.

Dude, is that what it... Oh, I have a song. Hold on, I'm sorry, when did this get added to the fucking frame? Put your headphones on. No, hold on. Is this real? Yeah, I did play a little bit. No, it's got it's He's not fat. He's not fat. He just drinks a lot. So much. Get the knuckle. Go ahead. Go, go. Go. I like to drink by myself. And you're not gonna change keys and there you go.

I was a little behind on that one. But that's okay cause I'm doing alright. That's right. I got a new special out on Netflix. It's called Lucky March 18th. I think you'll like it if you're white. Or, I was gonna add people, I was gonna add things. You're gonna change the world.

No, oh no, no, keep going, keep going. That's it, that's it. Go keep going, keep going. Or white, white, or no, it's other things. Or Asian. I've done your shows before, right? That's where it stops. And that's a truism.

What else you want to, OK, let's do that whole thing again. Ready? OK. I got a new special out on Netflix. It's called Lucky. It's on March 18. And I think you'll like it if you're white or Irish or Scottish or

English or Australian. Oh I see you're very good. That's a really good save dude. Well that's wonderful. I didn't know you could sing. Oh yeah front man. That's mine. Wait hold on okay. Okay. How much of this piano skill is Bobby? And how much of this piano skill is just simply being Asian? I think 80% is just being Asian. Yeah, okay. Cause like Koreans, you're Koreans? All really good at violin.

And it's the reason they're so good at math. Math and violin are tethered. Did you know that? Did you know that half my act or my early career was piano? No. Yeah. Show him the bit. Show him the bit.

Why you so- Oh, if you play chopsticks, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind. This is it. Hold on. Wait, what? Play chopsticks. ["Chopsticks"]

So this is what it is, okay? I said, this is Helen Keller if she was in The Beatles. I'm already in. Yeah. ["The Beatles"] Give me! Give me!

Give me! And people in the audience, this is in the nineties. Do you just like, wow, why? So good. Yeah, yeah, it's not good. It's rude. It's rude. No, no, no, it's actually, I gotta be dead honest with you. It's a half compliment. Cause you forget she was's actually, I gotta be dead honest with you. It's a half compliment,

because you forget she was blind. She's playing piano better than Stevie Wonder. Wrong. It's a half of a compliment. And you go, you guys are racist. She was deaf too, right? Listen, she was deaf, dumb, and blind. Not dumb.

Deaf, dumb, not. Not dumb, dude. Oh my, not like deaf and blind. It was deaf, dumb, and blind. Wait, I thought you were gonna do this. What? ["Dark and Dark"] No, no, no, no. I wasn't gonna do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, I thought you were gonna do this. What? ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] No, no, no, no.

I wasn't gonna do that. Nothing, nobody, nobody. I know, I did it like three times and no one fucking laughed. And I kept waiting for the fucking laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna cut that part out, I think. No, no, no. Just have, hey, what else can you play?

Can you play? Well, I mainly just make up, you know what I mean? Okay, so you, okay, ready? I mean, I was a huge like, you know. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] just make up you know I mean okay so you okay ready I was a huge like you know ready get ready Jules come on trouble that's not the same that's a different song

that's a different That's a different song! That's a different- That's a different- That's a different- That's a different fucking song! Okay, do it again, do it again. This is what basically he- Do it again, do it again. No, do it again, I know this song. I know this song. Okay, here we go. Okay, you could have gone that- You should have gone there, bud. Okay, you could have gone that way. You should have gone there, but okay. No, no, that's not it. That's not it.

That's not. Wait, hang on. I know it's right there. You don't know? No, wait, hold on. Are you fucking serious? You don't know what that song is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You get that. Yeah, you get that. You have the melody. You have the melody. All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, I got it now, I got it, I got it, I got it. If you go like mama, just kill the man or whatever, I'm gonna really be mad. No, no, I got it, I got it.

Oh, if you don't, you fucked me up. Do it again, do it again. Mama, just killed a man. No, no, no, okay, I got it, I got it. I got it, I got it, I got it. But do it earlier. Okay. Look at me, I'll wink and then it's when you go.

Okay, okay. By the way, by the way, the most, I just asked from an Asian guy, when I wink, that's when you go. Okay, by the way, by the way, most, I just asked from an Asian guy, when I wink, that's when we go. I was like, do you realize now I'm nervous about seeing if you're winking. Okay, go. Look closely.

Okay. Look, I'm gonna wink before so you know what it is. Did you just wink then? Yes. I blinked both eyes. Okay. Okay. Oh, okay, so you over serve it.

All right, I like it. And I always, when I wink at somebody, I always point for some reason. Oh, you. No, I go like this. Oh, you point to your own. Yeah, so show that you know where to look. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because some things they don't know. Are you sure he was winking? He was pointing to his eye. I used to have a joke, let me just talk about the eyes, I had a photo shoot for something, and the guy goes, after a couple of shots, he goes, can we get more expression in your eyes?

I'm fucking Asian, there's only two things I do, open and close, that was a joke. Anyway, let's move on, okay. Ready? ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Magic, magic. No, no, no, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, look like you're singing. And then you say, all right, ladies and gentlemen, this is my impression of Bert Kreischer singing John Lennon.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is my impression of Bert Kreischer singing John Lennon. ["John Lennon"] Imagine there's no heaven. Yeah, you got it. I couldn't do it. It's easy if you try. I can't lip sync and play at the same time.

Let's try to make Imagine a better song. Oh no, why don't we just, why don't we make up our own song. Okay. I fucking love this. In the same chord. Let's do it as a team though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You give us the theme and title of the song. I'll even do you one better, my friend. Let's do it in a make believe accent. Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So let's come up with a let's do something sad. Let's go minor on it. Right. Okay. Australian. You ready? I can't do Australian. Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah, you can. You just did it. That was English. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. That do Australian. Yeah, well, yeah you can, you just did it. That was English. Oh. Hello.

Okay. That's Australian. Okay, I'll do Australian. Australian, and it's called, it's a sad song it's called Crocodile Tears. Okay? Here we go. I'll just do this.

My wife. Oh my God. Is that not a good Australian accent? My wife. My wife. My wife. No. All right, so that's good.

Let's start. One, two, three. I just got left by my wife I said you call that a knife yeah I think we should do Asian no I was good accent that was pretty good but I don't think you're in time okay I don't think you're too you know what I'm gonna not I'm not gonna do minor chords I think you have a problem with that okay I'm gonna go just major code my accent is what the problem is no wasn't okay it's your token this is the accent I can do okay? Okay. Do it now. Hey,

I can't do any. I know but also. I can do black guys. No, no, I know you can't. I don't know where to do that. But you have to sing it. Okay. You have to do the accent. But they all sound like they also sound in English. What? Okay. All right. Yeah, yeah. It's so nice. Yeah, yeah, wait, let me get the rhythm going, all right? Right? No, that's fucking let it be, hold on.

That's a simple. It's so nice to have a wife. Yeah. In my life. Yeah, very good. Filled with strife, my life, you call that a knife. Yeah, that's good. Now, Dan, you, there we go.

And rain, raindrops falling. No, no, no, no. I'm not gonna sing. You're onto something, right? No, yeah, no, no. I'm not gonna sing it. You're onto something, right? Keep going. No, no. You're onto something. No.

Falling. With my heart on the line. That, she's my sister. She's young. And apparently was not born. With a tongue. Very good, I think born with a tongue. Very good, I think that's a hit. We should, what's that song?

Sorry. Oh, she just got her period. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You have daughters. Now why would you have an alarm at 5 p.m.? Cause I have to sleep because I get so tired. You remind yourself to sleep?

Oh, you have a nap alarm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. My penis is sleeping. I need blue chew. You guys, I look so young for my age I'm Viral and I'm bombastic. Hmm, but sometimes you know me my you know, my friend my friend sleeping And what it's Toki the dumb dumb Oh Toki. Yeah, you remember talking about this sleep my penis

Yeah, but sometimes when you know, I go Toki we gotta go into war right he goes What about blue chew and I go I have some, we gotta go into war, right? He goes, what about Bluetooth? And I go, I have some, I take it, and he, Purple Heart. Wow. Exactly. He goes in there and he's alert, he's precise, and it works, that's the most important thing, it works. Have better sex with Bluetooth. Bluetooth is the original brand offering chewable tablets.

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Visit BlueChu.com for more details and important safety information. We thank BlueChu for sponsoring the podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, Legendary Comedy Archive. Bill Burr is now streaming on Hulu with his new, you guys, I'm doing an accent, but there's no need to sell this.

You don't have to sell it with English stuff. Bill Burr is, how many times has he done this podcast? Four? Four times, right? He's directing me in things. I love him like a brother. I believe he's one of the best of all time. I think there's four guys that are the greatest right now

doing it, and he's one of them, okay? He is now doing a special called Drop Dead Years on Hulu, Hularious, which is their thing. And what's interesting about Hulu is there's other companies that never wanted to do a special with me, but Hulu saw me and said, you know, mate, this is insane, you have to do one. And so, you know, a lot of us went over there.

Mataskalco did, Gaffigan, my best friend, Andrew Santino, little Frankie Kenyones, you know what I mean? Hola, que tal, my friend, but anyway, Jessica Curzon, so what I'm saying to you is that that's where you go now for pure comedy. Okay, not elitist smug. You know what I'm talking about? Real fans.

Real good. Burt's unique ability to blend critique with laugh out loud humor is exactly what makes this one of his most personal and funniest hours yet. See the new Hilarious Stand-Up Special, Bill Burt, Drop Dead Years, now streaming on Hulu. Well, you have a nap alarm. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You know, how old were you when you did stand up? I know. I understand. I understand. You've got to address that. We're family, so yeah. No, I got it.

Yeah. I was 25 the first time I tried it. 26. Yeah, I was 23 and she's 23 and when I look at her I'm like, I can't believe I was that young when I tried it. You're 23? Yeah. Why is that funny?

I can't tell if she's still doing the accent from the song. A raindrop. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's 23 and were you scared the very first time, to be honest? No, I was nervous because I didn't know what I was gonna do but I was like, well, also I've never done this so if it's not good then what do you expect?

I've never done this. But yeah, I wasn't nervous nervous. I think I get more nervous the first time I did it in New York. Oh, I get nervous now. If I'm at the cellar, I pace in the back. I wanna do a new stand the first time I did it in New York. Oh, that's nerve, I get nervous now. Oh, I was. If I'm at the cellar, I pace in the back. I wanna do a new stand up show where we shoot it, where we do the stand up at like six o'clock.

Why? Because I don't wanna fucking stay up until nine. I know, really? You, it's, your life's easy. You wake up at like four, you do a podcast, play video games. Yeah, I'm a comic, that's why. Yeah, I'm a person. I'm a person. I'm a person.

Oh, you have a family. Yeah, like sometimes I look at my friends and I go, what's that look like at 70? Ah. I don't know. He's stealing your lyrics from the song. Ah. Oh, so when you see somebody like

Argus Hamilton go up. Argus is different. Why? Oh, maybe that's what it is. It just looks like Ron White. It just looks like Ron White. Yeah, yeah, like Ron White, yeah. I guess there's not enough,

there's so many of us that are doing it at like 45, 50. Yeah. That it's, when I was a kid, no one did it this old. Yeah, no, no, no, they were on the road all the time. Yeah. Like I never met Jimmy Walker until three weeks ago. For real? Yeah.

Jimmy Walker. And he had no idea who I was. Shazam. No, that's not him. Yeah, let's figure out if you- Kabam. No, that's not him. Don O'Miley.

Yeah, that's it, baby. You get that? No. It's such an old reference that they don't even know. He was a, he built Mount Rushmore, and so in order to do the faces, they had to blast a lot of big parts where the jawline was.

So when they'd plan it, the guys had to get away from it because it was explosive. Jimmy Walker would stand at the base and go, die, oh my! No, that's not how it started, I'll tell you what. When the Irish and the Chinese were building the railroads. Oh, I heard this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Especially in the West, right? Chinese people had the dynamite duty, and a lot of them people died. And he would, I don't know why, but Jimmy was always there. Really? Yeah, and when a Chinese guy exploded, he'd go, dynamite! That's when he would do it.

Shit, I heard it was from a sitcom. Yeah, it was a sitcom. Yeah, yeah. So his mom and that, her name was Florida in real life. Really? It was a badass fucking name. What a great sitcom. It was called What's yeah, yeah. His mom and that, her name was Florida in real life. Really? It was a badass fucking name. What a great sitcom. It was called What's Happening?

Yeah. In the 70s. Yeah. And Jimmy Walker was a Comedy Store comic and he blew up on that show. All right, here's a question, ready? So money's changed. So like, if you were gonna be a sitcom star,

the time to have done it was not now. No, in the 70s and 80s. 80s. 80s for short, yeah, yeah, yeah. 80s, 90s, like I remember Kevin James. Kevin James, yeah. Kevin James was making $750,000 an episode. What?

Dude, that's like having a podcast now. I mean, it's. Yeah, yeah, don't say that. We don't make any money. We do it for the love. The art. And the art, no. Well I know Stone Street from Modern Family

was making 250,000, 300,000, an episode. What the? Yeah, and they're doing 23 a year plus, what you call it, one. Syndication. Syndication, yeah. So then the key was, so what was Roseanne making? Roseanne had to be making, I mean there was the friends,

the friends in Seinfelds, they were making a million dollars an episode. That's what Roseanne was making. And she wouldn't even make it. I gotta be honest with you. I think Stone Street got ripped off. No, because that was in the 90s. No, but think, okay.

In the early 2000s I mean. How good was Modern Family? Great. One of the best shows. What do you think they make? Are you telling me? Okay, well I guess you gotta split it up with that whole cast, but Friends has got eight people,

right? I hate to correct you, okay, but Modern Family, every week, how many people watched it? Million, right? Hold on, hang on, one second. I can't, hang on, one second. I can't believe you said a million. Cause I, do you think that's a lot or a little?

I think that's a lot. No. No. That is a failure of a show. It's a failure. Even now? No, now yeah, it's a hit. It's a hit now. I guarantee you, find out what the ratings were.

They're okay, they're making $500 an episode in the first season. 500,000. That makes sense. There's 11 of them? Yeah. so then that's a lot of people They've got to split that up and I guarantee they have favorite nations. Maybe not. Yeah. Yeah, but oh Anyway here keep going keep going keep going. So wait, see what their average rating was what the rating was on on It seems like the top tier folks. We're all getting half a mil per episode by the end We're all getting half a mil per episode by the end half a mil per episode. That's great. That's a lot

What do you what's the point you're getting to Bert my point is if If they're getting thank you if they're getting I Mean I don't know I think Modern Family I think they were pulling in a high rating when no one was watching maybe 10 million maybe right 10 million is 10 million. 10 million is a lot of fucking people. Yeah, but we- Do you know last Comic Standing the year I did it? Yeah.

My episode was 13 million people. Wow. Yeah, and I was like, and I'll tell you what, 13 million people, you get recognized. Yeah. I was on that night, it aired that night, and I was flying, I had Georgia, on the episode I did, I said, I'm pregnant, we're having a baby,

I really need this, and then I got booted, that episode. And that was on a, well it aired on a Wednesday night, I think, I think it aired on Wednesday night, and I flew Thursday to go to Miami Improv, and it aired like Wednesday or Tuesday, I guess, and I got so recognized in the bar at the American Airlines, everyone bought me drinks, and everyone's like, hey, did you have the baby? And I was like, I guess, and I got so recognized in the bar at the American Airlines, everyone bought me drinks, and everyone's like, hey, did you have the baby?

And I was like, I just had her. And they're like, oh, let's see pictures. And I was showing pictures. It was quick. You know who says that? Narcissists. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, do you know what?

I had this fucking Ari Shaffir on my podcast with Tommy, and Ari's like. Sociopath. Sociopath. Yeah. And Ari's like, sociopath. Sociopath. Yeah, yeah. I pull up the fucking, pull up the traits of a sociopath and we'll diagnose Ari. Yeah, yeah. But Ari said to me casually, and I think he's just trying to fuck with me, but he goes, well, you make everything about yourself. And I got really in my head about it. And I was like, I was like, and then I was like,

and then I was like saying to Leanne, I was like, it's like, maybe I'll talk about this therapy. Do I make everything about yourself? She goes, yeah, but you're a stand-up comedian. Yes, everything's about yourself That's we was wait didn't Ari shit on a pizza box to win an 11 or that was I should on a pizza box We should on my car. He's she but he's just shit to announces that's a pizza box. He's just everywhere. Okay ready? Yeah, okay Psychopath or sociopath who Who do we do first? What do you mean, me? No, would you want, okay. Who do you think the closest to a sociopath is?

Ari. Okay. And psychopath. Let's run her, psychopath. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, what? Lack of guilt.

My eyes are bad, so can you? Oh, I just want to let you know. What are you doing? What is it? It's Ari shitting at Legion of Skanks. Oh, that was for real. So without reading that, can you judge it with this photo? Yeah, he's a sociopath.

Yeah, yeah, thank you. Lack of remorse. Yeah, so let's go. But there's no, I mean, look, shit in public. Lack of guilt, remorse, and empathy. I think Ari has empathy. You talking to him? I'm talking remorse, and empathy. I think Auri has empathy. You talking to him? I'm talking to him, and me.

Didn't he beat you up and he drugged me? Right, right. Oh yeah, click, click, yes, yes, yes. Oh yeah, the second one. Pretending to feel emotions. Can I tell you, can I tell you? I go 100% because I wonder sometimes if that's when he calls me on the phone,

if he's like, I know this is what people are supposed to do Like hi bird. How are you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's having a hard time. He's like, I just want to tell him to fuck himself I'm gonna drug him again. Yeah, he also like sometimes we'll go. Hey pal. Happy birthday. I'm like, this is bullshit All right. Here's what we're gonna do We're gonna run through this then we're gonna call Ari and think if he thinks we're narcissists. Okay, here we go So, you know Ari thinks we're not yeah, he does he does. he does, yeah. So the third one is, I can't read it, inability to form. True emotional attachments, that's not true. That's not true, he loves his dog.

He loves Joey Diaz right before Ralphie died. He spent an extra two days in Nashville to spend time with that, or with. He also likes Joe Rogan. He's an extension of Joe Rogan's asshole. Okay. Um. All right, the next one.

Remember that one time we were in Mothership, you and I, and Joe was writing feverishly, and we're just sitting there, and it's like no one was talking, and you just whisper to me, you go, ah, I don't feel comfortable. And I go, I know, this is weird, you know what I mean? Because he has, I love Joe Rogan,

but he has this power almost. Yeah. Does it feel, do you feel, do you get nervous around him? No. Okay. I don't get nervous around him? No. Okay. I don't get nervous around him, but I definitely know what you're talking about, but his power.

He's a really intense dude. He's an intense dude, yeah. All right, Ari, next. Tend to be successful. Okay, pass. Dishonesty, no, he doesn't have that one. He is the most honest. He is very honest, yeah.

He's painfully honest. Manipulative behavior, narcissism, and superficial charm. No. No, he doesn't have that. Okay, next show to sociopath. You read it. Lack of remorse, but guilt and empathy may be present in some cases, yes. Yes, 100%.

Some emotions are felt, rage, but are shallow and fleeting. Yes! Yes! Rage. Yes! Yes! May form close attachments to one or few individuals. Yes! Yes! Yes! Consistent, irresponsible, and repeated violations of law.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Constant lying and deception. No. Deception, maybe? No, he... He does some deceptions.

There's a problem. No, I don't think so. I think he has got the deception. He's a deceiver, dude. He does shadow play. Did you know what was in your drink when he gave it to you? Yes! Yes!

Very good. Okay, all right. So he's a sociopath. All right, pull up Narcissist. Yeah, well yeah. Let's find out, how to identify a narcissist. Also, we wanna play this game too. We're gonna call him at the same time,

see who's more important to him. Alright, so let's get our phones, and I'm going to do it now. Let me get his phone number. Alright, you do, I'll do the first one, and you will self-diagnose ourselves? Okay. Or do we self-diagnose each other? Okay, we answer honestly, and then they tell the truth.

That's a fun game. And you can get involved too, Jules, just based on what you know. Oh yeah. Okay. Self-importance. I do it to myself? Yes.

Nah. Yeah, I'm very humble. Let's go to the judges. All right, next. This is gonna hurt. Next. What's self-importance? Google the definition of self-importance.

You know what self-importance is? But I think, yes. Are you an NCP? NPC. No, you're the main character. I'm ass to mouth. Do you believe you're the main character in your game? Yes or no?

I actually can't believe. I actually wonder if you guys are actually all alive. If you have souls the way I have a soul. We see you move funny. Here we go. An exaggerated estimate of one's own importance. If you have souls the way I have a soul or if I'm special. We see you move funny. Here we go, an exaggerated estimate of one's own importance. Do you feel exaggerated? No, I think it's pretty accurate. I'm fucking dope as shit. And you know, me too.

I'm fucking cool as shit. I'm gonna fuck, dude. Let's be real. Hold on. Exaggerated estimate of one's own importance? No, I don't have that. I am accurate to who I am. I'm very self-reflecting, but I'm not, I don't think I'm crazy, but I'm like, yo, I got a fucking crazy fucking awesome wife,

I got two great kids, I got an amazing career, I got three amazing podcasts, I got a special coming out on Netflix, it's my sixth fucking special. I realize that's wild, cool shit, but I don't go like, but I'm the best. I'm not the best. Like, I know, I can name, right now,

can you name 10 comics? Name 10, I'll go back and forth, back and forth. 10 comics that are way better than we are, ready? No, I don't know how 10, I don't know how 10. No, I'll go one, you go three to five. Oh, five, five, five, five. Yeah. Who's better?

Let me start. Okay. Kim Dillon. Oh, not him, no, I'm kidding. Hey. Let's restart. Okay. Tim Dillon. Oh, not him, no I'm kidding. Oh, this is gonna be tough. Is Tom better than you? No, not him. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Have you ever met Tom? What's the guy, what's the guy, what's the guy? Fucking dynamite, what's that guy? Jimmy Walker. Jimmy Walker's better than you. No, no, no. All right, this is a bad one, keep going. Let's go real, let's go real.

No, but I don't wanna go real because then our friends are gonna get upset if we didn't mention their names. Shane Gillis. Yeah, no, no. All right, this is a bad one. Keep going. Let's go real, let's go real. No, but I don't want to go real because then our friends are going to get upset if we didn't mention their names.

Shane Gillis. The... Yeah, you never know. All right, so the second one, expecting praise for minimal work, even none at all. Oh. That's most guys. That's most guys.

When you're... No. Like if I do the dishes, I'm like, yo, have you been in the kitchen yet? Yeah. Because there's something special in there waiting for you And she just sees no dishes in there goes. I don't see it and I go are you fucking kidding me take a look in the sink She goes there's nothing in there. I go

Exactly I've done this right I sold out the Sacramento punch line. There's only ten people there Is that what that is? No, that's the Usain quote to your ex-girlfriend bitch. I cuddled you for 20 minutes And then what and then she's like yeah, you're quote to your ex-girlfriend, bitch I cuddled you for 20 minutes. And then what? And then she's like, yeah, you're supposed to. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I literally don't understand it,

but let's go with one of those. All right, we can just skip the next one, that's a yes for me. Nevermind, nevermind. Being occupied with success with needed to be, yeah, I have that too. I have that, obsessed with success. It needs to be great for the audience.

Oh, you have four for sure. Craving power. Four, craving power. You have it, I have that too. I have that, I'm obsessed with success. It's gonna be great for the audience. Oh, you have four for sure, let's move. Craving power? Four, craving power. You have it, you have it. I didn't always, but now I do. Okay, only wanting to be around highly status or high achieving people. No, look, I hang out with Pete all the time.

He works for you. Yeah, okay, nevermind. If you didn't pay him, he would never be found, okay? He would never be found. I was a slam to beat. I was expecting a bigger laugh on that. I was hoping you'd go, look at who I hang out with. Yeah, I have lunch with losers like these guys earlier.

But anyway, guys. I don't care about status. Require lots of attention and praise from those around them. I'm taking a bath in that one. I really need praise and attention. I think I'm bath in that one. I really need praise and attention. I'm drowning in that one. I think I'm drowning in that one. Yeah.

Yeah, if there's a sea of that. Oh, there's more? There's gotta be, okay, entitled behavior, you have that. Uh-huh, I got it. I got it too. Yeah, it's called being famous, keep going. Okay, expecting, like if you're at a restaurant, I've done this, where I'm at a restaurant

and I sign up for, they don't know me, and I sign up to be on the list, and then I see another people get in faster than me, I lose my shit. I'll show them my Instagram fucking followers, everything. Okay. I'll tell you, this is how bad I am. What?

I was with my parents, I was with my parents, and we were trying to get somewhere, we were going to a Bucks game. And I can't believe I said this. Pete, were you in the car with us when we went to the Bucks game with my parents? Yeah. And we were getting, pulling up and they're like,

they're like, this is VIP entrance. I go, we should be good. And they're like, no, no, it's just VIP. We don't have the pass. I go, roll the window down, let them see my face. Hang on, hang on. How often does that, hang on, on for real how often does that work Pete how many times does it work fucking works every time yeah it's my

demographic there's some fucking the guys running a fucking parking lot can I say something that happened earlier today it was crazy so it's literally not my fault I was driving an Aventura and this man who happens to be black just swipes swed my car. But I swerved enough where it didn't do any damage to me, but his whole rear-view window was gone. The side mirror. Yeah.

And I just went, you know what, it's his fault for sure, so I'm just gonna move on, and kept driving. But he followed me in his car for a couple blocks, and was doing his lights, you know what I mean? So I pulled over. He goes, motherfucker, you know, he goes, lights, you know what I mean? So I pulled over. He goes, motherfucker, you know, he goes, motherfucker, you fucking, I go, I didn't hear, and he goes, you're Bobby Lee.

And I go, yeah. And it changed his energy a bit. His energy changed. So that's the way we should look at Tom Segura's car accident recently, is that he's not worked hard enough for people to run into his car and then stop and go, oh my God, I didn't know you were Tom Segura's car accident recently is that he's not worked hard enough for people to run into his car and then stop and go, oh my God, I didn't know you were Tom Segura.

Yeah. Did you see that? The woman backed into his porch. Let's stay with the nurses. Okay, no, okay. It was crazy because they got it all on camera. She just took off. And Tom's like, what the fuck?

Okay. Exploiting, we do that all right? Exploiting others? Nope, don't have that. Do I have it? I, I. Do you have it? No, do I, do I have it? I don't know what it means that. Do I have it? Do I have it? I don't know what it means, but do I have it?

Be honest. No. Okay, good. Lack of empathy, that's not me. That's definitely not me. I'm the most empathetic person. I'm bigger than you, I'm big empathy. I gave a homeless person money the other day

and those people suck. I blew a homeless guy. I gave him crack and he loved it. I gave a homeless guy money and Leanne was with me. And she goes, baby, you know most of these people aren't even really homeless. They're just standing on the street with a sign. I go, well, he's not homeless.

He is a character actor because he has dirt all over his fucking hands. Exactly. And I'm gonna, just out of his respect for his craft, I'm gonna give him $20. But one time I caught one. What? He looked dirty up into his feet

and they were completely clean and manicured. It's like when a girl puts on makeup just on her face and then her neck looks a different color. Oh, I hate that! You know, I hate cankles. Oh my God. I hate them! Like, let's like have a division between your foot and your fucking calf, man.

I, you know what I'm gonna say? It blends in! I'm gonna, let me see your ankle real quick. No, she has like a little. Oh, you're Asian. Do Asian people get cankles? No. Type in Asian cankles.

That's a great name for a fucking, that's a great name for a tour. No, no, note that, we'll go finish this. Envy, oh yeah. Okay, go ahead. Envy or believing others are envious of them. No, no, no, no. Arrogance, you have that.

You have that? You're, listen, I'm gonna. Okay, name the time I've been arrogant. I'll tell you why. Okay, tell me. I can name you a couple times. Okay. Okay. I'm on your tour.

Oh my God. Here we go. Okay, keep going, keep going. And I literally almost died. I was knocked unconscious. I did not have my ring around. Okay, I hit my fucking head on your tour bus. Yeah. I didn't sue.

Is that an option? Yeah, and blood is gushing out of my mouth. And I'm texting people, and you're the first person I text. You're the last person to text back. That's not arrogance, Bobby. Yeah, that's arrogance. And guess what, guy? Dude, Google the next episode.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And Pete, right, he takes me to the hospital, he holds my hand when I'm getting stitches in my mouth, right, he took over everything, right? He loves me more than you love me. No. And that's why when Pete came in here, did you see the hug?

That was fucking Vietnam War hug. We served together on the platoon. I was on the other team. We did win, but you know what I mean? We did it together. Type in the definition of arrogance, please. Arrogance, overly proud of oneself or one's own opinions. Okay, I got it.

Okay, now we're done with that. Let's own opinions. Okay, I got it. Okay. Yeah, you're right. We're done with that. Let's call Ari. One, two, three. Your call has been. Fuck, do it again, do it again, do it again. That means he said no. That seems like he clicked it.

Oh yeah, he clicked it again. He's clicking it. Oh my, he doesn't like either one of us. He'll call back. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. What were you gonna, look up again? Asian Cancels.

Oh, look up Asian Cancels. This is Tom getting, look. Getting it with a lady. She fled the scene. She fled the scene. Wow. Did she recognize him? No.

Oh wow. I mean, in all honesty, he kinda does like, you know, like, okay, it's like, all right, here's the deal. With Plate Soft. So if you, like, there's a stereotype, there's a stereotype that Asians all look alike, right? That's a stereotype.

There's a stereotype of what beefy insurrectionals look like, you know what I mean? No, you didn't let me finish my fucking thing, but I'm saying, like, but like, if there's, but there is, like, a big chunk of Asians, not all of them, but a big chunk that do look alike. Well, with bald white, hang on, hear me out. With bald white guys, there's a big chunk of them

that look all the same. I mean, I'll tell you right now, tell me if this doesn't look like Tom Sgrub. Like there's, it's a thing. It's like the bald head, gray beard. I'll look something up too, Guy. What? We can both look something up, okay, Guy?

All right. Wait, are you gonna tell me what we're looking up? This is riveting. Yeah. All right, so I Googled, I'll tell you what I Googled. I Googled gay bear. Okay, I guarantee you're gonna get a bunch of Toms. No, is this Tom or Bert?

Oh, that's Tom's eyes. Whoa, is that really? Hang on. Yeah, that's a gay Bert. Wait, is that not me? Yeah, yeah. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. I mean, everyone is your type. Yeah. Oh, you're a gay bear. You're a gay bear, dude. If you go to one of my shows. Is that not Burke Reicher? It's type. That's you. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Hang on. Okay. Hang on. Now find me me, you won't. I don't know, I'm just gonna prove that, watch this. ["Turtle Beach Theme Song"] Turtle Beach, Turtle Beach, Turtle Beach.

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Get the ultimate immersive gaming experience with Turtle Beach today. Turtle Beach, Turtle up, I've never Googled this. Look up people who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee.

People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee.

People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee. People, yeah, your website. I'm on the wrong website. These, though, these definitely do. Twins, look up, I've never Googled this, look up people who look like Bobby Lee. People who look like Bobby Lee.

I'm not getting a lot of details. This guy kinda looks like Bobby Lee. Dumbfounded? That's my best friend. Oh, that's you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's insane. This guy looks a lot like you and Santino.

I don't have glasses on. You don't? I don't have glasses on, I can't see any of this. Okay. All right. All right. My point is, Tom does look I can't see any of this. OK. All right. All right. My point is, Tom does look like. You're talking to somebody like you.

That's Jason Kelsey. Oh, he's so funny. He's great. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, but no, but there is like a swath of white dudes that all kind of look alike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all of us.

It's like, I got to be honest with you. I'd even argue this. You ready for this? And then we're going to talk about sexy underwear. I've been wanting to talk to you about this. Okay, hold on. I have someone now. And so, hang on.

So, is there an argument to be said, now that you look at all these pictures of people that look like Tom and people that look like me, is there an argument to be said that individuality is not a real thing and that what happens is when people start getting older, they start to wanna look like the people they feel like.

Like I mean look, think about how many white guys have mustaches like Shane right now. Like white guys with mustaches is a thing. Oh you're saying that you're influencing looks. Yeah like no I'm not, I'm influenced by something I saw. No because I've seen people in my shows that wear the beanie and have the Asian got mustaches. It's like a natural human behavior to be drawn to something you wanna look like

or to put on a costume that looks like that, right? Yeah, yeah. Okay, now let's talk about sexy panties. Now. Okay. So I don't wear underwear. I've never worn underwear. Are you being serious right now?

I'm just being dead serious. Can I say something to you? Please. Out of all the comedians I know, I've seen your taint, your butthole, your nut sack, and penis. I wanna tell you right now that I have the cleanest butthole in the world.

Did I say, did I say, did I say it was dirty? You did not. It's cavernous. I shaved it yesterday. Is it not cavernous? I shaved it yesterday. Okay, is it cavernous? Yes.

It's deep. It's deep. Exactly. Yes, if I push, it looks better. Yeah, remember those like Chilean soccer kids or whatever that got lost? Yes. It's deep. It's deep. Exactly. Yes, if I push it looks better. Yeah, remember those like Chilean soccer kids or whatever that got lost? That's what it was. Yeah.

No, no, hang on, hang on, hang on. A minor, I saw a Chilean minor in your butt hole. You just, you named two times when people were entrapped and you mashed it up. I know, that's what I did. It was Chilean minors and Thai soccer kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they both were trapped and I combined them.

Do you remember those Chilean soccer kids? Yeah, for my viewers that don't understand. Do you remember when those Chilean soccer kids got trapped on top of a mountain after they're playing soccer and they had to eat each other? That's not what I was doing! That's what I was thinking. That's what I was thinking.

Oh, sorry. So yesterday, yesterday, I've been having a hard time with my ass hairs. When I jog, they get tied in a knot. And so. Those are called dreadlocks. I I jog, they get tied in a knot. And so. What? Those are called dreadlocks. Yeah, I'm getting, I'm getting whatever I'm getting and I couldn't feel.

You have a rasta asshole. So. That's all, Bob Marley had that. So. And I'm not shaming, there's no shame there. Bob Marley, the comic from Maine? Yes. So yesterday.

Very funny by the way. Yesterday I'm getting ready for our 5K and I go, I'm gonna go, I'mk, and I'm gonna shave my pubes. So I like to shave my pubes outdoors, on our deck, in the sun, my favorite place to shave my pubes. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I just say something? I don't want you to be offended by this,

but you have a very big house. There's probably different bathrooms you could use. Uh-uh, uh-uh. The joy is shaving it outdoors. What's your position? The good question. She's like a little Larry King. I love it.

I'm a little bit of a centrist, but I lean right. Anyway, no, as a joke. I don't know why I thought that would land on her. She's gonna be like, oh, good, I get it. So you do like Rogan. But not everything. She's a huge JD Vance fan. She's a JD Vance fan.

Yeah, she loves JD. And Mike Geitz. I sit on a, so the problem really is my stomach. So I sit. Would you say that again? The problem really is my stomach. And what do we say in a sitcom? No shit!

But seeing my dick, seeing my dick and my balls shave, I get really lost on the balls. I can see all the top up here, but getting around the corner is pretty tough. Well, you have a wife. I know, no, she won't do it. Why? She said it's too much business down there.

Yeah. And she's like, I don't trust myself. Do you know I saw it, right? What, yeah. Your butthole and your, all that. Yeah, I know. I gave you an enema. Yeah, I know.

I stuck something in your butthole. Right, I was there. It was my butthole and your, all that. Yeah, I know. I gave you an enema. Yeah, I know. I stuck something in your butthole. Right, I was there. It was my butthole. I accepted it. I said, oh, Amazon guy's here, let him in. And then I came in. Oh, right, that's what you did. Yeah, I didn't go, no, no, no, wrong address.

Right, right, right, okay. Bobby, yeah. I was laughing so hard, by the way. So yesterday I shaved my balls outside on the deck. And I, no, not with a razor, I do not use a razor, I use Manscaped. Manscaped, you don't get- It's one of the best products.

It really is, I'm not even fucking around. Yeah, me too. For shaving your balls and your asshole, you cannot beat Manscaped. But then I go to, and I realize, I'm just shaving here, and then I'm leaving the problem area as my asshole, so. Okay. Can I ask you a quick question?

I don't know. Yeah. Who. Can I ask you a quick question? I don't know. Yeah. Who wants to see your butthole? No, it's not about seeing about it. It's about. It's not on my wishlist. It's about it tying into a knot.

My ass hairs are tying into a knot when I run. That's insane. That's great, yeah. Are you being, oh you guys are hairless. We're evolved, I like to say that. No, you guys, hold on. White people, okay this is gonna come out wrong. I love it.

You guys were around before we were. Oh, you were going, history now. Yeah. We're less evolved. I think the oldest bone they ever found was in Africa. What do you think, hang on, in history, what do you think's been around longer, that or that? There's no way that could have lasted

as long as you guys did. But I feel like you're saying we're the new kind No, we're not no. Yeah. Yeah, like we're the most like oh you are saying 15 or whatever right? No, there's an iPhone 4s. We're left. That's what he's saying and it's aggressive and it's fucking you know I'm bullshit. You're taking this compliment opposite. I'm saying you guys created the iPhone. No, that's not what you're saying. I'll tell you what you're saying.

We're still flip phones. No, no, that's not what you're saying. White people. You're the new phone. Okay. Did you come later? Yes. Yeah. No, but not. Did you come later, dude? Yeah, we did.

And so what you're saying is that we were waiting on the other side of the? We're the most evolved, we're the latest version of whatever. No, you're misinterpreting my keep going. You guys are hairless Do you have about hair butts about hairs? But can I show you my stuff? I'd love to your asshole close your eyes Face the song. Yeah face that way Well open up from the bed close to be How close we getting? Let me get my glasses I'm dearsided. So back up a little bit. Are you sure your butthole your balls for the audience? Okay, hang on. Is there hair on them? No, you can't see that. No, no, no, no, no, but do you shave them or there's just naturally here?

No, do you have no hair on your balls? Hold on I have hair on my balls I'm more talented. Wait, hold on. That have hair on my balls. I'm more talented. Wait, hold on. That is all natural. Yeah, I'm hairless. Look at my arms. Touch my arm.

How soft? That is insane. I'm the best. So. And that's not narcissism. So I wish I hadn't shaved my butthole to show you an unshaved butthole. Can I see your butthole?

Yeah, of course. And you'd see an unshaved butthole, and you'd be like, what the fuck is that? And then it's like, it really is like two fucking chinchillas wrestling. And they just tie a knot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're not free now, right?

So yesterday, I wanted to go, I'm get ready for our 5k god damn it and so I go to shave my I was like I'm gonna shave my butthole and so I go is that internal monologue or you said it out loud? I said to Leanne okay I'm shaving my butthole so I got a mirror I brought it outside I put it on the floor and I squatted over a mirror and bro I shaved my butthole perfectly. Wow. I'll be the judge. Open it up. Yeah and we'll blur it out. I need to go I have good eyesight I'm gonna go farther away. No you have good eyesight I can see from far. I can see from far. You can't see the TV ever Bobby. What are you talking about? This is crazy right now. Yeah is crazy right now. Yeah, dude, it's hairless. What the fuck?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Dude, this was brought to you by Manscaped. What'd you think about it? I saw a Chilean Thai soccer player in there. But dude, it feels wild. It feels wild to have no hair on your butthole. Yeah, it feels great.

It's wild. It's almost like, so then yesterday, I shaved my butthole and I feel like kind of fancy. I don't know who the sponsor is. I don't know who the sponsor is, but they sent me five different colored jock straps. Have you ever worn a jock strap? I live on planet Earth, yes I have.

Wait, when did you wear a jock strap? I need to hear the whole story. What story? I have some in my drawer. Oh, for real? Yeah, yeah, I'm a jockstrap guy. Have you, do you clean jockstrap? Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on. No? Yeah. Yeah, thank you. I'm a jockstrap guy now. How do you? So, so, so the reason. Because she does my laundry.

Oh, you clean jockstrap. So the reason I don't wear underwear is because it's constricting and it makes me feel claustrophobic. That's why I don't wear underwear. Yesterday I put on a jockstrap and I went, hold on, all the business is taken care of where your dick doesn't hit the zipper and you can walk around all day

because your dick and balls are taken care of but you don't feel the tightness in your legs the way you do with underwear. And I was like, bro, I went online and I bought nothing but jocks, I bought so many pairs of jockstrap. How much money did you spend? Oh, they're pretty cheap, they're like $6 for fucking seven if you spent 20 grand. I'll tell you exactly much. I spent. That's all my Amazon

I'll show them to you all right show while you look that up I want to make a little observation if you may please okay If you took the trees out of Australia Whoa here, but just here. I'm camp going. I can't do both I can't go to look at my job and hear a sentence that starts with if you took all the trees out of Australia. Just hear my, where the koalas go, right? So what I'm saying is, where do your dingleberries go? Hold on.

Because everyone gets dingleberries, little tiny round pieces of poo, and they cling onto your butt hairs. But you don't have butt hairs, hang on. Yeah, they cling onto your butt hairs. Yeah. Yeah, that's what happens is a little piece of hair, a little piece of paper gets wrapped up in a butt hair

and then the piece of paper looks at the butt hair across and goes, hey, swing over here. And then the hair from the other cheek goes, ah, look at him. It grabs on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they hold on and they tie it back. They're not holding on.

They're going home. Home. And then you took their home away. Now where are they? They're in that dark cave. And then you took their home away. Now where are they? They're in that dark cave. I gotta be honest with you. I use the Tushy 2.0. I have, well no I have a higher,

no I just said that. I crank it. Do we have Tushy as an ad still? Not right now. Yeah so I have a higher one. Yeah. I have a Japanese one. You guys created them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm, so I'm hands free baby. Yeah, yeah. I'm hands free. It was remarkably clear though. For me if I think, if I see your. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm hands free, baby. Yeah, yeah. I'm hands free. It was remarkably clear though. For me, if I see your photo anyway, I go, that's a murky pothole. My pothole's pretty clean.

Yeah. Has it always been? No, no, no, no, no. Exactly, exactly. Oh no. Exactly. So I ordered a bunch of pair of jockstraps and Leanne said,

maybe you'd like thongs. So I bought some thongs. I love, I wanna say something really real right now, and it's not comedic. She is, your wife is everything to me. She sent, I know it's not coming from you. I get gifts, what's that? These are the underwears.

Yeah, I don't need to fucking look at what you bought, dude. Just wear them and then show me at the club, dude. It's fucking crazy, I'm not gonna buy any. I want everyone to process that sentence and see if you would deliver that sentence the same way. I don't need to look at a picture of your underwear, just show them to me later at the club. What was wrong with that? I'm saying, I laughed, I don't know why look at a picture of your underwear. Just show them to me later at the club. What was wrong with that?

I'm saying, I laughed. I don't know why you let's just laugh because everyone else is laughing. But tell me why. Gilbert explain it to me. I think you can just see it right now in a photo, but you want to see it in the flesh at another location. Oh, do you know why?

Can I tell you why? Why? Let me ask you a question, okay? Would Neil Brennan look differently in a wrestling singlet than Ralphie May? Yeah. You're East End correct. Thank you so much. Wow, whoa. Okay I gotta say that right now Bobby's dropping bombs and I think it's a misstep if we don't have Bobby start his song if Australia

had no trees where would all the koalas be? Yeah. So let's play it. I don't know, man. Can I give you a warm up song really quick? No, no. I had Chachipi T write a song about you guys to imagine. Cause you try to just play imagine and just. Oh. Oh, okay.

I can't read and play at the same time. We can sing. I can sing. Yep, and how about we do this, okay? All right, here we go. All right, ready? I'll start it. I'll take us through verse two.

I'm gonna do one round and then you start the singing. Okay, yeah. All right, so here we go. ["Imagine Bobby"] This song is called Imagine Bobby. Okay, we'll go one more. That was your window, but okay. Okay.

I'll slow it down. That was your window, but okay. I'll slow it down. Imagine Bob is naked. Rolling on the floor. Jules? Telling us his drama. It's Yoko. It's definitely Yoko. You're doing Yoko. She went Japanese. You're doing Japanese. Wait, what do you hear when you sing? She can... No, I can't sing. I'm tone

deaf. No, no, we know that. We're asking, when you think, when you think, what do you hear? Do you hear, does your brain go, that's it, we got it. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh really, it's fascinating. I just wanna, let's start at the beginning. Can you do the alphabet song?

A, B, C. A, B, C, D, E, F, G. There you go, okay, okay. So now do that for Imagine Bob. Imagine, like, imagine Bob is naked. Okay, watch my hand, okay, ready now do that for Imagine Bob. Imagine, like, imagine Bob is naked. Okay, watch my hand, okay, ready? Ready, go. What are you, Strausberg?

What is going on here, dude? Imagine Bob. No, no, you go right to Frankenstein. Yeah, I know, I know. Imagine. I know, she goes right to Frankenstein. And by the way, what's so crazy is that you're not ugly. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But your voice is so ugly.

Yeah, yeah, it's an ugly voice. It just doesn't connect with you. I know, but it's- Like I've never seen someone that's like all of a sudden, like if you can't dance and you're like, but you're hot. Yeah, exactly, okay. Let me sing you the line and try, what? Here, do you wanna try vodka?

No, no. Imagine there's no heaven. You say that again. Imagine there's no heaven. Right there, what was that? That was. Right. Imagine there's no heaven.

No, no, no. Uh. Yeah, tone deaf. You're a broken Filipino. All right, here we go, here we go. These Filipinos kill it. You're Filipinos? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're broken ones. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, we're exposing your people, dude. You know what I mean? Because when it goes wrong, it goes wrong. There's probably a boxer Filipino that does this. Like. Like. All right, all right, all right, here's what we do. This is magic.

Here's what we do, okay? I'll be naked. Why don't you do the whole song? Okay, I'll do the whole song. Up into a point. And by the way, I'll also, I'm gonna punch it up. Oh, you're gonna be, you're better at chat GPT. I think I am. Okay. I have to be better than chat GPT.

All right. Ray, hold on, hang on. Are we not as good as chat GPT? We'll find out. I'm gonna sing the second, you do the first two, I do two, and then you do two. Let's go two, two, two. Two, two, two. Okay, ready?

Two, two, two. Okay, ready? Two, two, two. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now.

Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now.

Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. Just go now. second he waits too long dude this star here yeah he waits too long right I don't want to do four fucking right do one more time you're like Liam Gallagher and his brother I know I'm like Oasis I am very Imagine Bobby naked Rolling on the floor Telling I'm trying to better GBA. Later! What? Later?

I don't get my lines. Wait, no. No, Bobby, this is a... I'm singing about you. You don't sing about Bobby. I sing about Bobby. Oh, so I would imagine Bert as shirtless as me. Yeah, and then here.

Together you guys sing this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine Bert. I don't know, I don't know. You know, you sing the whole thing. Bobby,. Bobby no one goes. I don't like your attitude that's narcissism behavior. So here we go. It's all about you you can sing the song you're the lead singer okay. No no no Bobby. I'm tambourine guy. No. Fuck you dude. No one sings the song. If we had you in a band it would be no band. Bobby Bruce Springsteen didn't sing Born in the USA about another guy, he's thinking about himself, right?

You don't say like, she broke my heart and then all of a sudden you've turned into her. I sing about Bobby, you sing about her. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I can't believe. Chorus together. And then the chorus together. I'm glad you burned this shirt.

I'm just rehearsing. We're doing it. I'm just rehearsing. We're doing it. No, wait. Jazz is default. Okay, let's start from the beginning. Start from the beginning. I just need to practice.

All right, I'm going just chat GPT. I'm not going to try to drop my strings. But let me get this straight. When verse two happens, I sing. I don't want to do this again, okay? Let me get this straight. If you interrupt, the podcast's over. I can't do it.

I've had my up up to here, okay? Ready? I'm warning you, Guy. Yeah. What did you just say? I have my pot up to here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, pot. Ready?

Hang on. I think what happens. Oh my God. Hold on, hold on, I think what happens. Oh my God. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I think we do, I do verse one, you do verse two, and then all three of us harmonize. Chorus. The chorus.

You go imagine, I go rolling, you go telling, I say like. Oh. Right? You just switched it up. Is that what you mean? I don't know where to switch. No, no, no, no. I do verse one, you do verse two,

and then the chorus we harmonize since we all, but we've gotta get to her harmony. Okay? So, so Bobby, so when you harmonize, we gotta match her voice. You may say that they need clothing. Oh yeah. Clothing.

Completely. Okay. Sing it and then we'll match you, okay? You may say. Okay, we got like, Clothing. Okay. And then we'll match you, okay? You may say. Okay, we got it. We got her result. Okay. This is the one last time we try.

Okay. Power through. Whatever, we're gonna power through this. Let's do it. We got this. I feel like it's gonna work. And we're going beginning to end. Beginning to end?

If you see the name Bert, you sing. If I see the name Bobby, I sing. I have to do two things at once. I can't do it. I saw something. And you do every chorus. You do every chorus. Oh my God. Verse three, the name Bobby, I sing. I have to do two things at once. I can't do it. You do every chorus. Verse three, Bobby. Verse three is you. Look. Imagine, Bert. Okay. All right. Let's try it. Let's try it. All right.

And the beginning. I need to do vocal warm-up. Imagine Bobby. And here we go. Sell it. ["Imagine Bobby Naked"] Imagine Bobby naked, rolling on the floor, telling us his trauma like we ain't heard before. I know.

Imagine Bert is shirtless. That's just his default Woohoo You may say they need clothing Wait hold on, clothing But they'll never wear a shirt But they'll never wear a shirt Ah fuck it

Keep going Was afraid of the hitman Hold on. I can't. Oh, all right. Oh, all right. I'm afraid of the nightmare. Hold on. I didn't know where I'm at. Another drunk in the dirt. I didn't know that.

Oh, okay. And, wait, hold on. Okay, here we go. Imagine, imagine, fuck. Imagine Bert is sweating. sweating, half naked on a plane, yelling about Russians and slurring through his champagne. Robert? You know, Bert? Imagine Bobby Mooney. Yeah.

Every guest who stops by. Woo hoo. You may say it's disturbing. Fuck. But I swear it's kind of great. But I swear it's kinda great If you don't like naked chaos Then my dude you're just no fun mate I gotta be honest with you, you really added to it. Yeah I have to be honest with you, we're never gonna do that again. That was really great. I think, I gotta be honest with you, you really added to it. Yeah, I have to be honest with you, we're never gonna do that again.

That was really great. Yeah, yeah. Do a one about civil rights movement. Chachi VT. Civil rights movement. Are you serious? Imagine about the civil rights movement. Why?

I don't know, do one about. Well, we have to do it as black people then. Nevermind, don't do it, don't do it. Do one about Jeffrey Epstein, set to imagine. How about this, Stephen Hawking, we can do Stephen Hawking. Oh, do Anne Frank, Pete have you seen his Anne Frank song? No, I'm not doing the Anne Frank song again, Pete, okay? But Pete, I have to say your staff,

every one of them, I love them so much. Yeah, I do too. Pete, are you seeing anybody on the staff there? No. All right, who do you see, Pete? I don't see anybody right now. Are you really not seeing anyone? He's kind of a he's a he's a bonefish. Bonefish are hard to catch, but once you catch them they're fun to reel in. Really? Pete's a bonefish. Pete, okay. real in. Really? Pete's a bonefish. Pete's...okay. When the time is open, times of trouble,

Pete walks away from me, saying, do it yourself, fatso, let me be. Wow. On the spot too. We're not doing it anymore. Okay. Do another one. No, I don't want to do anymore. Let's do one. I don't have a lot of, like, Len and the, I can make one up. Wait. Do ones you learned in Korean class. Like, okay, ready? I'll do this part

Yeah, forget it no we're not doing that this is pretty great that you can play piano I really want to do a comedy band. Can you play anything? Yeah guitar? If you have a guitar? I'll bang one out Do you think we should write a song a single for the fires? No No, we have too many people that work with us that lost their houses for the fires? No. No. We have too many people that work with us that lost their houses. We would get calls immediately from UTA and CAA going, yo bro, take that down. No, no, no.

First of all, it's not gonna be called Great Balls of Fire. We're gonna do a random song and all the proceeds go to the fire victim. Okay. Jesus Christ, where's your mind at, guy? I can't imagine that we're gonna make a serious song. Well, okay, I know, but it's like, I gotta go soon, but I'm so sorry.

It's getting hot in here. I'm so sorry, but my friend's gonna pick me up in 10 minutes, and we did a very long time. Who's your friend? Gene Hong, he's a producer, he's very talented. Anyway. You wanna try calling Ari back again? He didn't call us back.

Gene Hong is my best friend. Him and Dumbfounded are very talented, anyway. You wanna try calling Ari back again? He didn't call us back. Gene Hong is my best friend. Him and Dumbfounded are very close to me. And also Andrea Jin. And we all hang out. And I've been hanging out with a lot of Asians lately. For real? I always hang out with Asians. I've never seen you hang out with a single Asian.

Let me ask you a question. How many Asians were on your tour ever? I have one. What's his name? Bobby Lee. Exactly, that's not a variety. Pete, do you have any more Asians? I got a couple blacks and a Mexican.

We were hanging out with Sandy this morning. Oh yeah, I was with an Asian. Hey Siri, pull up a picture of an Asian on my phone. Guarantee you I know this person. Oh shit, it just pulled the camera on and it's on you. Wow. That's really good. It's series quick.

Yeah, yeah. But you know what, what I loved about your shows, because we would do big gigantic theaters, right, and open air amphitheater. Yeah. Thousands of people. Do you want that in life? Do I want that in life? Don't want that in life.

Would you ever want to do an arena tour? If you Google Burt Crusher with Asians, it's just a photo of you and Kaila with him. Yeah. Are you serious? It's just Bobby Kaila. That's it. Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will you type in Burt Crusher with Asians? Oh, wait, wait, there's another one in there. No, that's not me. Who is that? That's Oliver Stone. Oh. Oh my god, that's so funny. I've been burnt right here with black people.

Oh, it's just Donnell. Yeah. All right, get me out of here. I don't Google myself for a reason. Did I hurt your feelings? No, I just read something. I'm dyslexic, so no matter what anyone writes about me, I misread it, and so I immediately get my feelings hurt.

So Bert, me and my friend Andrew Santino, you know him. How do you feel about him? Okay. But we have an animated show. We're doing a pilot. I heard you guys are doing a. Would you do some voices?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Because we'll call you. If you turn us down, it'll be a divide. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. I'll tell you what, I'm in 100%.

Can I ask you a question? I was thinking about this the other day I was in Spain and I was listening to people laugh and I realized different cultures laugh differently. Oh, here we go. Hold on. Do my laugh then. No, I'm asking you. I'm not telling you. I'm not going to go, hey, watch this.

This is racist. Okay. I'm going to go like, we all know that like black people laugh better than white people, right? Yes. Yeah, it's louder, it's more engaged. I would say Asian probably laugh a little quieter than black people. It depends on where you are, but yeah.

Okay, show me, what I was gonna do is give you a country and I wanna see you give me their stereotypical laugh of what you think it is. I, there's no way to do that. Okay, give me one. Say Germany. I don't wanna say Germany. Okay, I way I can do that. Give me one. Say Germany. I don't want to say Germany because you already have one prepared. Portugal.

Portugal? Very good. Give me one. I know I don't play this. Stockholm, Sweden. What? No, no. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever been to Stockholm?

I'm just doing my own. I'll give you Stockholm. Get ready. We'll do yours. You say something funny. I'll give you Stockholm, get ready. We'll do yours. You say something funny, I'll be Stockholmish. Right, oh, so the Jew and the black guy walk into a bar. Bar turner says, we don't have people that serve with you. We don't, get out. Okay, that's very funny, that's very funny.

I get it, it makes sense. In math, it's good, it's good. They don't laugh, you're saying. Exactly. Wow, that's incredible. And like when you go to? Nigeria, let's go Nigeria.'s good. They don't laugh, you're saying. Exactly. Wow, that's incredible. And like when you go to? Nigeria, let's go Nigeria. Okay.

You know what I mean? Nigeria. My put end. Ho ho ho! Oh very good. That's a good one. That's from fucking Coming to America. Yeah, ho ho ho!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. She was sucking his dick. That's a good one. That's so good. My friend. Do China. Uh, ho, yeah. She was sucking his dick. That's our good one. That's so good. My friend. Do China. Uh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. That was so cute. Oh. Oh. That's like. That's Japanese.

Okay, oh, okay, like, oh. No, they're more, to me it's more evil. Like. He he he he he he. He he he he he he. He he he he he he. You a dumb cowboy, you're poisoned. You a dumb cowboy, you're poisoned.

You dumb cowboy, you've been poisoned. Okay, do North Korean versus South Korean. South Korean. Okay, North Korean. I don't know. What's a Filipino laugh? Give me a stereotypical Filipino laugh. Stereotypical. I don't know. What's a Filipino laugh? Give me a stereotypical Filipino laugh. Stereotypical.

I don't know. That's it. That's it. That's how they laugh. All right, give me a Scottish laugh. Yeah, the white person. Muahahaha. Sounded like a vampire.

Muahahaha. He was doing his Nostra Afton. Nostra Afton. So what I'm saying to you is when you go to him, you know how sometimes, you're white, right? Yes. He's a numbers guy. That's the best way to say it.

You know the accountant? Yeah. Oh, this will, great, you're best in this. That's great. I love a good checklist. He's not a creative guy. Like let's do an English action, George. Oh, jolly good, mate.

Of course I do a good English accent. What you talking about? That's a little Irish with it. It's a little Irish. I'll. Oh, jolly good, mate. Of course I do a good English accent. What you talking about? That's a little Irish with it. It's a little Irish. I'll take it, I'll take it. It means your mom's Irish, or you're not even British. How about a Southern guy?

Ain't me. Oh, like a Theo Vaughn? Yeah. What you talking about? No. What? That was closer to two. I'm not even sure Theo's technically Southern accent.

Yeah. It's like, it's something else. It's not, Southern is just subtle. And especially Southern New Orleans is like, you can barely understand it. Bring Gene in here. Who's Gene? My friend, the producer.

What did he produce? He's a staff writer on Beef, but he also was the executive, Beef? He's also the executive producer of the show I did, Magnum PI. Oh, for real? Yeah,, he's just like a great writer Really? Oh, you're so talented a project or you just we've done No, he booked me out. He would write all my Magnum PI episodes. You're on Magnum PI. I did like 12 of them

Okay. Anyway, I know what you're doing right now. You're trying to extend the time. Oh, yeah, so I'm gonna end it right now Tell me no no watch Burt's podcast. Yeah Yeah, so I'm gonna end it right now. So, no, no, watch Burt's podcast. No, my special. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your special. I have Netflix. Streaming on Netflix. Netflix.

Is it streaming right now? Yeah, it's streaming right now. It's streaming right now on Netflix. It's called Lucky. It's called. Look how good I look. Yeah, yeah. What do you think of the pants?

Love it. Oh, do you? Yeah. Thank you. I love the backdrop. Wow, wow, wow. I love this set. Yeah, it's beautiful.

It looks great. It's great, dude. And you toned your body like something's going on. Well, you were with me, Bobby, right then. I lost weight. That's right. Anyway, give Christ in a round of applause. I'm so happy that you're here. Thank you so much. I hope we can meet again. I hope we can meet again. I'm so happy that you're here. Thank you so much.