TigerBelly - Ep 335: The Spirit of Honesty

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

Bobby asks a restaurant for their Twitter handle. Khalyla has a wardrobe malfunction. We talk 12 pills in Arizona, an apology to Jim Gaffigan, Bobby finally flying coach, and our Skinemax Dating Show.  Support us by supporting our sponsors!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. No, no, no. No, I just got out. Happy Valentine's Day to you, sweet nuts. Sweet lips. Better. Thank you. Well, let's, you know, talk about the elephant in the room. Am I talking about my belly or my dick?

It looks slim. Thank you. Am I talking about what happened to me? And people are curious to see what happened to me, and I want to tell people in the healthiest way I can, you know, without going into extreme, you know, details. But essentially something happened a while back in my life that just put me, that shocked me,

kind of traumatized me, and, you know, it's okay, babe. I'm so sorry. It's okay, babe. It's so, so rude. So serious at the largest level. It's so rude, but you know what? I'm going to let it go. I don't know.

It's these cardboard straws. Yeah. Why don't you just queef into the fucking mic this time? Just do a fucking hefty Filipino queef. You know, honestly, I can queef on command if you want me to do that right now. Can you? Yeah, I can.

You know what it smells like? Durian fruit. Anyway. Anyway. Anywho. So can we go back? I think queefing is so hot. Yeah, I do, too.

I think I've heard it. Like, you've never heard a girl queef have you had sex in your life? Only on Howard. Well, my penis can't create that suction. Yeah. But I've always heard it on Howard Stern, like, when the girls come to the mic

and they actually just do it. Yeah. You know. And also, like, exotic, stinky fruit in air form. Yeah. Just hitting my face. You know what I mean? So...

It feels good as white. When it rolls out the pussy, it actually feels really good. Okay. Can we go... Hot take. Gilbert only does missionary style. Hot take.

Hot take. I'm talking about my personal life here. Oh, yeah. Seriously. Yeah. Hot take. Hello. I'm sorry.

So then, you know, I didn't know how to process anything. And then... What's so funny? Sorry. We talked about queefing. I know. I know. And then I relapsed.

Yeah. I talked about it first. And I just... I just... I don't know. I don't know what else to do. I started drinking and I went in fast. It just went fast.

And I apologize, George. I mean, George had to do a bunch of bullshit and I'm so sorry. You all... I'm sorry for everyone. You especially, baby. You had the worst. I know. I was just thinking about Mexico,

about what I had put them through. But everyone in my life went through hell. I didn't know that. But what ended up happening is I started, you know, drinking and using... It's just smoking pot, but I was smoking cigarettes as well and smoking. So what I would do is, you know, I just want to tell marijuana companies just from my heart to you,

can you please put in dosages on edible packages because, you know what I mean? I don't know how many to take. Right? Like a recommendation. Yeah, two. You know what I mean? 10 milligrams, right?

I would take... I'm not kidding you. Anywhere between... You saw 1,000 to 1,500 milligrams. I have a hot take. What? I think that even if they were to put every specific word of information for you. Instruction.

Like unisom. Unisom tells you, do not take more than this many a day and you were taking 20 a day. Not 20 a day. That's exaggerate. Five. But I'm just saying, that's not what... You're going to abuse it regardless of what's on the label. Okay.

Is that the last hot take you're going to do? The first hot take was George about Gilbert's missionaries. Oh, sorry. That was the first hot take. That was my first hot take. All right, my bad. So can I get... May I move on?

Yeah. With the story. So I was taking a lot and every time I use something, a phenomenon happens and I went to several different places in the last month and reputable places and I go into some sort of manic. It's not mania, but I go into my place where I just can't eat or sleep and no matter how hard I try, I can't do it. You know what I mean?

Like, you know, saw me drinking, you know, I would drink alcohol, you know what I mean? Shots of, you know, fire. That's my favorite. Fireball. Fireball. I would drink a bunch of fireball, beer, smoked beer. I just couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat, you know, and I was losing weight and like, I was literally getting one

or two hours a night, you know what I mean, if that, for months. Meanwhile, going to like Hawaii, New York, Mexico, back to Hawaii, back to New York, shooting shit. Right. I don't remember really any of it. I, you know, during shoots, I don't use, but, but toward the end, I was, I mean, when I, when we did the Jim Gaffigan episode, like you obviously were very, you didn't want anyone to know that you had relapsed, but you were sweating so profusely.

So I know you would. I'm going to apologize to Gaffigan because I honestly, I've been dreaming to have that guy on my podcast and, you know, the reaction of it, people kind of like that. I don't remember. I didn't read any of the reactions, but, you know, there wasn't anything real negative, but I just was not my right self. You were withdrawing. So that's why you were sweating.

It was cold in this room. It was terrible. It was terrible. Do you guys remember that? You were like, what is happening? You also wore a gray shirt. It was yeah. Yeah.

So I'm going to tell you what happened. So what happened was I, because I was smoking pot and cigarette cigarettes, I started coughing up blood and I would like cough up. They would be like dark red blood in my mucus, right? With other colors in it that I had never seen before. My chest started hurting real bad. I couldn't breathe and, and then Bob Saget died. And when they said that, um, at the time they didn't know what happened, maybe it was a

heart attack, but he died in his sleep. And what was disturbing about it is that, you know, I know that the day before Bob had died, he talked to a good friend of mine who I'm friends with and Bob was feeling great. He was so happy. They was back on the road. And he, I think he said, um, I'm finally finding my voice again. I'm so, you know, and then he died. And I, there was no other, and I just went, I started fixating on death because, you know,

I started coughing up this blood, right? And I convinced myself that I had lung cancer. And then Louie died and you know, Louie, I've opened four on the road, Louie, um, it's just a friend of mine. I love him. And then I just kind of, and without even processing their death, I just, just started really just focusing on the days I had left on earth. And I thought it was, I could, I was convinced that I was going to die.

I was fucking convinced. And then, um, I ended up in a trap, which is couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I'm dying. I'm using more than I've ever used in my life, and then it was like being in a prison in my mind. I was stuck. And you know, one night I just looked at Kailah and I said, I need help. I, I, I, I, yeah, I can't go on.

I can't go on. So, um, then the nightmare began, you know, I had some really fucking nightmares. Things happened. Number one, we went to a place, I'm not going to name the place, which is highly recommend highly recommend plays on where Yelp, like, this is a good joke. The store. There's the joke that I needed the way you described it. Yeah.

Sounds like a restaurant in the valley. Yeah. Yeah. Well, here's, it was at the ha ha cafe on leadership. What happened was all of these people were like, you're going to the best place in America. We've been there. It changed my life and like people that were like close to us, right? Yeah.

So what we didn't know is the place had gotten bought out in the last year and is no longer a treatment center that like is like, oh, here's a group of 20 people that we're going to like do intense work with. It's now like a rehab mill where it's like just 150 to 250 people, like just a little exaggeration. I exaggerated that. You exaggerated that. Yeah.

So let's go back to what the real number is. The real number is they said that there was 15 people at one point, you know, they would do that. And the real number is about 80 still a lot, but also the same staff, the amount of staff, right? So you're not getting specific. But that's not even that. It's like when I was, so first of all, it was funny because she's like, first of all,

she got mad at me. Look at this. She gets mad at me for using before going to rehab. Now I only used before going to rehab because I don't want to be the only person in the history of going to rehabs showing up to rehab sober. Who fucking does that? Hey guys. You don't be a loser.

I've been sober for three months. Let's let's do this. No, I want to show up naked with a stop sign wrapped around my neck on fire. I mean, that's why that's how you show up to rehab, but I show up there and everything seems seemingly fine. And then I'm in this, I'm in a different city in a different state. I could just say Arizona. Yeah.

That's what it was. There's enough. That's enough. There's enough places out there. And they had me in this room next to a man who was 65. I don't know how old he was. Half-naked. And literally like where as close as me and Clyde is now crazy and he's going like this

every minute. That's sad. Right. It's sad. Right. But meanwhile I'm high and kind of drunk and scared with my sheet over my face looking over going thinking this is it. This is going to be my life for the next month.

So what I do is I grab all my shit and I go straight to the lobby. So I have my briefcase. What am I? What am I? A lawyer? What am I? A 1960s fucking see a lawyer? You're right.

I don't have a briefcase. You're in the hashtag case? All right, babe. I fucked it up. You're a diplomat. You're a diplomat. I've documents. You're a spy trying to figure out what's going on and just place them on.

So I go, I go grab my suitcase. Your attache case. Yeah. My luggage case. Yeah. And I, um, I bring it out to the lobby and I sit. I sit in the chair that's like this and they proceed to go to bed because I'm not staying in that room with that man.

I don't know him. I don't know anything about him. Also like I, I don't know if he has COVID. I don't know anything about him. He's not wearing a mask. I don't know anything about it. And they didn't ask me, you know what I mean, about vaccinations or anything like that.

So I'm like, I'm out of here. But that's when the lobby was when I got real scared because you're, this is what I see. Okay, I can only do it. I can only do it. So I see a guy, he's might be 19 and he looks like Jack Nicholson, but Jack Nicholson from The Shining.

Like he's wearing the same clothing, like the 70s jeans, right? Some sort of fucking flannel tucked in, right? Stragly hair. And he's, I got, I have to, and he's like just pacing all over the place, right? He's freaking me out, dude. You know what?

I could have just said pacing. No, I had to see that. Not acting out, but I apologize. So I'm like eyeing him because he's looking at me or whatever, darting across. And then for my peripheral vision, I see Samara. That's all, like this, oh, bitch, that just crawled out of a fucking TV.

Fucking, this bitch just crawled out of a fucking TV, walks up to me, but I don't see her face because the hair's on her face. And this is what she says to me. I swear to fucking God, she goes, I'm not gonna make it. She walks away already red flags. Then like, I finally see a doctor

or I don't know what he is. Okay, I feel, I feel great. I feel great. Do I move on from here? Yeah, you look, yeah. And he goes, well, there is residency, but we have to wait. I feel great, man.

He's getting me out of here, man. Okay. So he brings me to the thing, right? But then it's like all day, you're like waiting in line three times a day, getting, you know, a queen's gambit when the orphanage was shooting pills. They're giving me 12 pills.

I don't know what the fuck is in this thing. That's what I thought was crazy. It was like, nothing was explained to you and you were just expecting to, because I saw the medication list. And that's when I was like, all right. Red flags. I, couple red flags.

Yeah, and then, but I would do it. I would take it and then at one. And he would call me from the phone. Oh, they take your phone and you have nothing. He called me from the pay phone and he was just slurring so bad. And I'm like, what are they giving him? Like he hadn't even seen a doctor yet at this point.

Like he was just slurring horribly. And that's when I was like, all right, like I should probably listen to him when he says, get me out of here. Yeah, but not only that, it's like all day long, I ended up hanging out with, I'm not kidding you, about 15 teenagers. And we'd go off to the soccer field in the middle, right?

Like I'm in breakfast club. You know what I mean? Am I in breakfast club? I'm 50 bitch, right? I'm out cigarette, like laying on my back, talking about like Harry Styles new album, to some random fucking emo girl, right? And going, I'm dying.

And meanwhile, I'm still coughing up blood. Cause you're smoking Marlboro. I'm smoking Marlboro, I'm coughing up blood. I don't know what the fuck is going on, right? I'm like, can I get an x-ray? I think I'm dying. They're like, we don't do that. I don't know, no one will talk to me.

And so by day three or four, I'm like calling Abby and Kalilah my manager and going, give me the fuck out. I'll go anywhere else. I just got to get the fuck out of here. This is a nightmare. No one would let me go. They were like, no, you know what I mean?

We have to talk this and that. We can't get a hold of this and bro. This is days that go on. I can't get out. And I had to eventually tell Abby, I go, threaten law. So do the Jew thing. That's crazy. I got it, I'll do the Jew thing.

Give me your briefcase. Cut that out. Cut that part out. It's Abby and you. It's between Abby and you. She's, she's Jewish. I thought that was funny, but I think it's racist. I don't think it is.

My point is that I called Abby and I go, do the thing with the lawyers. That's not what you said earlier. Leave it at that. No, keep the thing. But so she did and they wouldn't give me a ride to the airport. It was terrible.

I was in the middle of the desert. They wouldn't give me a ride. No Ubers went out there. It was a nightmare. Anyway. Can I just say? Yeah. Low joke.

This is what you're describing. In general. That's what it was. That's what I felt like. No one will talk to you. Yeah. Shutter Island. That's what it was.

Yeah. Except instead of being a, you know, a good looking white guy, I'm a fat gook. Anyway, different storyline, different movie. And for him to convince us that he wasn't just being like a manipulative addict in there, trying to get out. Yeah. What gave you the signal?

What gave me the signal was that I had to do my own research and they had been bought out. And I did look into like what like rehab mills were and how a lot of these things are turning into rackets and kind of like not the best place for treatment. So I had to go take like three extra steps before I did that. Sure. I get that. I'm a manipulator.

I get that. Yeah. But I got out and the nightmare got worse. I didn't know where to go after that, you know? So I had to come home for just a couple days. Couple days. Yeah. And then I went to the place that I went to last time, which is not.

Well, don't get into specific. I'm not going to get specific, but this is what I do want to say though. Okay. Is my problem isn't drugs and alcohol. Drugs and alcohol is a symptom of my problems, right? It's how I cope with my problem, right? I use cigarettes and pornography and other things like that.

Even light things like gadgets in video games to escape my emotions and my feelings, right? And at the end of the day, and people are going to balk at this or maybe even roll their eyes. But, you know, when I was born, I was born wanting love like everyone else in this room, anyone listening.

When we're born, we need several things. We need to be fed. We need to be held. We need to be loved and nurtured, right? And we want to feel safety, right? As an infant. I didn't get that. Definitely not the safety.

Yeah. I got some love, but I got a lot of violence. You know, I saw my dad knock my mom's teeth out and beat down with fucking golf clubs and stuff. You know, I have a hard time sleeping because my brother and I couldn't sleep because at like two, three in the morning, you would hear dishes crash against the wall.

You know, my mom's screaming, you know? And these aren't, you know, my brother and I talked about it and I took the brunt of it. I was the oldest son. And I took the brunt of it. My mom used to beat the shit out of me as well, you know? So I never felt, and I used my humor and acting out and being rebellious, but in a fun way, you know,

that's what I did to cope and as a defense mechanism. And I was very lucky because at the age of 17, I got 12-step program and I got sober, you know? But I never dealt with, you know, the shit that happened before I was 10 years old. Or even before, 16 years old. I mean, you know, my dad stopped beating me because I fought back one day.

My brother also, he denies this, but I do remember this distinctly, he called social services, Steve did. Ooh. Yeah, which I remember thinking it was a, you know, bold move, you know? So what happens is just whenever something really, deeply traumatic happens to me, like my dad dying that two years ago,

I go into, you know, I mean, this, I relive some sort of like trauma, the same things. And I don't know how to cope, I filter it in a weird way and I go into a fight, flight or freeze and maybe I can't eat, sleep, I don't know. I mean, you know, still today, so what happened is I go to this place, other place and they can't treat me because I can't sleep for 96 hours.

I'm not talking about not sleeping. I'm talking about not even being tired, like my heart racing a thousand miles per hour, pacing, you know what I mean? And also, you know, it got really scary because I went to a mall. I think after, what's after 48, 72 hours of not sleeping, I went to a mall and I didn't know where I was,

not even what city I was, I was so lost. I had to ask somebody like, where am I? You know, so this place couldn't do any trauma treatment or anything because I don't know what the fuck is going on. And also, mind you, I also think I have lung cancer, all these other things are happening. And so, but now the good news is I got blood work done. I had my lungs x-rayed.

I had my heart done. That's how we spend Valentine's Day. That's how we spent Valentine's Day. My stomach, all that stuff. Well, no, you're due for a colonoscopy. I am due for a colonoscopy. My lungs are clear. I mean, you saw them, you know, there's nothing wrong with them.

My heart is fine as, you know, he's got a lot of pain, you know, my heart is fine as, you know, he says it's a normal size. I remember him saying that and he says it's beating normally. Well, no, you got an EKG, which means that it's... No, but through the x-ray, he said. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you looked at my heart x-ray,

he said, I look at your heart and it looks normal. That's what he said. Yeah. And then, yeah, so the lungs, the heart, my blood pressure is better than it's been. So much better. And so, you know, all those things give me so much relief. I mean, it just like almost like, you know,

I was carrying around a king-size mattress and now it's a twin-size, you know what I mean? Like the weight has kind of lifted and, but still I can't sleep that well. And there's still other things that I have to do to figure out there's something wrong, but I feel so much hopeful. I mean, literally last Friday,

I was in a hotel and I literally slept by the door because I literally thought I was gonna die and I wanted the maids to discover my body faster. But can you explain to me the logic of that? Well, because the room is a double room, right? So there's, you know, the living space has a door, right? I don't know why, I just, you know what I mean? I also, I wanted, if I was gonna get a heart attack,

that I could open up the door faster and just have somebody discover my, it was a double logic kind of a thing, you know what I mean? But it was just like, I literally thought I was that scared. Yeah. I was that convinced. I was like in a fucking prison, you know?

It was like, that's all it is. He was really scared. And now you were calling me every hour, I think. Crying, I've been crying, scared for weeks, man. Like I've been fucking scared, you know? And it's like, I think that's enough I wanna get into about what happened. There's so many more feelings and things that have happened

and that I'm not ever gonna share, you know what I mean? I'm not willing to share because here's the deal, right? I need to start keeping stuff for myself. And I've always used these podcasts to entertain and it's like, you know, at the end of the day, it's like, you know, I lie all the time and I've hurt so many people by my lies. Like even when I'm in that place, you know, they have to go.

Like I'll go, yeah, dude, I've been jerking off, you know what I mean, to porn since I was 12, bro. And they're like, no, that's impossible, you know what I mean? Every night, no, what's the real number? You know what I mean? Oh, since I was probably 35 every night, they're like, yeah, that's the real number. Why do you do that?

Because I'm so used to exaggerating on these things. Embellishing. Embellishing. So it's like, they're good about like, you're not doing that anymore, you know? Let's just be honest. The two things that I realized about myself and that I'm no longer willing,

listen, I'm no longer willing to put myself in situations where I feel guilt and shame. And whenever I do things, I feel guilt and shame, a lot of remorse. And I just, I punish myself for these things, you know? So it's like, you know, I'm a bully. I've been for a while. I bully people as a defense mechanism, you know?

Obviously it's also just to protect my heart. And it's also, you know, a form of entitlement. And the entitlement that I have right now has to stop as well because it's the root cause of 95% of my problems. And it's like, I discovered it in just Phoenix where I was just at this place because, you know, I would go to, you know, I wasn't in a lockdown unit.

I was in a hotel. So, you know, I went to Houston's, right? And I went in there, I was sitting there and it was five o'clock, the Houston's in Scottsdale. And... And... Bleed, bleed. No, don't bleep that.

Anyone who adds a company or an establishment on Twitter, it makes me laugh so harder to be like, hey, Delta. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm just like, oh stop it. Right, right, right. So this is what I did. So this is what I did. So I sit, I go, I walk in and I have this entitlement.

It's like, you know, the first thing I walk in is I go look at all these white people. Okay. That's literally the first thing I think. And they're old and it's the Scottsdale and no one's wearing a mask, not a single person. And you're talking about 90-year-old people, 85-year-old people, just, you know what I mean?

Laughing at each other's face. Doing the conga line. And then each other, they don't give a fuck, right? So I show up and I go, hi, I don't have a reservation, just for one. Yeah, it's gonna be a 45 minute wait. I got fine. So I'm going, patience, mindfulness, you know what I mean?

You know, it's not about you, right? I sit there and I see one white person after another white person. Going before you. Going before me. And I saw one guy go, I don't have a reservation. Come on in, Mr. Johnson, right? And then me, well, you know, I'm doing this.

Twitching, you know what I mean? I'm trying to be mindful, just be in the moment and you know what I mean, beloved. All right. And then I just picked up my phone. I walked up to the house. I put my Twitter at my, hang on. Hi, excuse me, what's your Twitter handle?

Oh, no. Yeah. Oh my, you did that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You did exactly what I did a while ago? I did that. As soon as I get this out, as soon as I say it, I go, I want to vomit.

But what did she do? They go, oh, they go, you know what I mean? And then literally 30 seconds after that, your seat's ready. But meanwhile, it's too late now, you know what I mean? I feel shame. Here's another thing that happened. I was at stake 44 in Scottsdale.

Scottsdale beef. And I walk in and I make a reservation this time so that it doesn't happen. Nice. Right? No. I walk in, I'm wearing a baseball cap, Sterling Harjoz baseball cap from his production company.

Great. Crazy Eagle. Yeah, number one, I want to say this, right? The Crazy Eagle hat, there's not a lot of them in the world. So I would value my Crazy Eagle hat as $150. Like an NFT. Yeah, I don't know if I'll ever get another one. It's my favorite baseball cap I've ever had, one of them.

I like the symbol, everything about what it represents. So when I walk into a restaurant with that cap, right? I have a sense of pride, okay? I see a woman wearing a knitted, one of those like, it kind of looks like one of those rice paddy hats, but it's the same material. It's like a Kentucky Derby hat. It's a Kentucky Derby hat, right?

Yeah. I go, I have a reservation, hats off. And I go, what about her? And they go, oh, she's fine. That's Ms. Johnson. That's Mr. Johnson. You know Ms. Johnson? Mr. Johnson was sat in the Houston's four days before.

They're plantation owners, of course. Yeah, yeah. And I literally, I went, my eyes went, you know what I mean? It went malfunctioning. I started malfunctioning again, right? Because it doesn't make any sense. Yeah. It feels like, no, you're Asian.

That's what I feel. That's what my fucked up- It might not necessarily be true, but that's how you definitely feel. That's how I feel. I'm not saying it's true. I'm just saying because of growing up in this country and all the micro and macro aggressions, right?

Right? Right? You know, it just filters through that. And I go, it's racial and personal. It's also, I'm the only Asian guy in the restaurant too. It feels, you know, I'm, you know, you notice it, right? So that's another, and then, you know, I made a stink about it.

Like- Did you ask for the Twitter handle? Did you do the Twitter handle? No, I didn't do the Twitter handle because I was so shameful, but please, please don't ever bring the Twitter handle. But I just remember going, I should have gone, what about her?

Yeah. That's where it should have stopped before that. Yeah. So those are the rules. There's nothing you can do. Took it, I took the hat off and went to the fucking valet. They put my hat back in my car. It's not that big of a deal, right?

And I sat, had a good meal. It's a great restaurant. If you're ever in Scottsdale, go to steak 44. Look at the camera right there. Wow, I had to turn around. Also, if you ever want a delicious meal, go to the Houston Scottsdale's. You know, I'm going back to this place

in a month and a half. I'll be attending- Both establishments. Both establishments and I'm willing to wait. I think here, here's what I should do. To test your theory, you should go in with a Kentucky Derby hat. Oh, yeah.

No, because now you're setting up for that behavior shame because it's never going to work out the way I want it. So how about this? From now on, be like everyone else and wait your turn. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know, it's like, you know, when Keanu Reeves, right, you know, one time he was going to a,

this really happened, he was going to a movie that he starred in, The Rap Party, right? And he went to the club or place, restaurant where they were having it, and the doorman didn't recognize him. Instead of going, I'm the star of the movie, Keanu Reeves, he waited in line.

Sorry, people love him. You know what I mean? And it's like, that's the correct response. That's the healthy response. You know, it's not coming from any kind of weird ego or, you know, and it's not just, you know what I mean? That I'm the Slap King, right?

It's about, it's about, the Slap King is only a part of who I am. The Slap King is Keanu Reeves. Yeah. What? What? And we're not editing that out. We're not editing that out.

No, what I mean is- You agree. No, what I mean to say is, is that right? I'm not just a fucking comedian, man. I have other things that I love. You know what I mean? There's other things I want to do, right? And I've made this business my number one,

and I don't want to do that anymore. You know what I mean? It doesn't make my, it makes my heart sad, you know? You know, I mean, it's a weird business anyway, and the climate is weird. I mean, to see what, to see my fellow comedians going through what they're going through in social media

and this and that, right? It's hard to watch, you know? It's, it does, the world doesn't make sense. So it's like, you know, instead of like trying to change it, there's nothing I can do about it. All I can do is change the way I look at my life. You know what I mean? And if I go, you know, I want to start,

and this is what I told Kalayla, and this is not a joke, I want to start the Tiger Belly Animal Sanctuary. It's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I really want to do that because- Music to my ears. You know, I've been, not only did I quit cigarettes, right? Porn, drugs and alcohol, you know?

I also figured out that I just really love animals. And, you know, I've always known how pigs and cows, you're like, if you raise them as a calf or a piglet, right? And you're the only thing that it knows, right? You have a bond with that creature, and that creature, like, if I lived in the house and he lived in a barn like every morning, he would literally walk up to the door

and wait for me by the door so we can say hello, you know what I mean? And then, like, you know, I know cows that are raised in that environment where they'll go up behind their master and lick their face like a dog would, right? And they cuddle, you know what I mean? Pigs and these kind of animals, right?

So it's like, I'm not saying that I'm a vegetarian. He has been, though, for a lot of weeks now. Really? Yeah, I have been. But I'm not saying that I'm going to give up meat. I'm just saying that I want to focus on things that I care about, too, you know? And I honestly want to have at least two pigs, two cows, right?

I want to have more dogs than I have, you know what I mean? And I want to have a big, like, kind of a ranchie, kind of a place where it's enclosed, where they can have a lot of freedom and run around. Look at me. Yeah, I know. I want that. Thank God I'm wearing sunglasses.

I'm literally, like, just bawling under it. She's also queefing so much, right? I'm queefing and crying at the same time. Stop me with your durian fruits, please, because I swear to God, I think that that's half my problem. Anyway, your queefs are delicious. Queefs don't smell like anything. But yours, you know what yours smell like?

Unless a girl has, like, active BV, then it's going to be, like, a fish cloud. But if she doesn't have active BV, queefs don't smell like anything, and they feel so good when the air just rolls out there. Yeah, baby, can I just be honest with you? We went from animal sanctuary back to this. Go back to animals.

I was very moved by what you were saying. Let's go back to animals. Anyway, I was moved by it. Express VPN! You guys, George taught me about VPNs, right? And George taught me about the Express VPN. Sometimes I travel, right? Sometimes I'm in, you know, Transylvania,

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Express VPN.com slash. So something you shared. You shared with me a couple of things yesterday. Your realization. Yes, I know what it is. Number one was the whole bully thing. But number two is what? That I have a bigger dick than you know what I mean?

I thought I had. No, I love nature. Sorry. I think you're being serious. They do one in the same. Hey, I love nature. No, so by saying that you go, well, you don't like to go out to nature, right? But that's not true because.

What's not true? Because I want to tell you the happiest place and the safest place I've ever been in my life and it's a place where I go to in my mind, right? Where if I feel like even during, so you have to understand the last month and a half, two months, I did this obsession of dying, this and that, right? And the only way that I couldn't, that I would be able to shake that thought is to think of something that's polar opposite of it, right? Is the happiest place I've ever been.

And I think I was doing it because I was also like, since I was convinced I was going to die, I was also reflecting about my life and all the joyous times I had. You know what I mean? Your life flashes before your eyes in a weird way, you know? And the number one place is we went to one of those little islands in the Philippines. Palawan. Palawan. And I remember we stopped there and then we did this thing where we would get on each other's

shoulders and we did the pushy game, right? And then after we were done with that, you guys were like doing your own thing, splashing around and I was doing the floating thing. Remember I was drifting into the sea, right? And the reason why I was doing it is because I was in complete and utter contentment. Like, I had never in my life been more happy, more okay with the world around me, nothing negative, only positive. I felt pure love and grace.

I felt like I was in, you know what I mean? Like if God was peeing on me. Do you know how I could tell? Yeah. Because you drifted two miles from shore. That's right. That's why. That's why.

And, you know, and. Wait, hold on. In the spirit of honesty, it wasn't really two miles, okay? So that's what I'm saying. It was 10 miles. That's what we do. And that's another, it's interesting, right? Yeah.

When you, because we do exaggerate and we do do those things. So it's like, it's interesting. How about this? From now on. 500 yards. From now on, just for this podcast, we know exaggerations. No embellishment. No embellishments.

Will we still be entertaining? That's the question. That's right. Good experience. Right. All right. So I drifted away for 20 miles. We had to take a boat to find him.

I ended up in Hawaii. Still Hawaii. Yeah. So, um, no. So 500 feet. My point is, is that, you know, that right there is one of the happiest moments. And that was in nature, right? And, you know, all your senses are being fired up, right?

You have the water, right? You have the, in your, you're hearing not only the ocean, this net, but the garble sounds of people talking, right? And also sometimes your ears go above the water so that you have that little thing like, I hear, I don't hear, you know what I mean? That kind of slap you, right? All your senses are on fire, right? Which is mean, which means that you're truly being present.

I will co-sign this feeling like I think that, and I recommend everyone do this in, you know, when I was peak anxious, when I was having like panic attacks every day to the point where like I would go to the gross, I couldn't even go to the grocery store without like freezing in the produce aisle, right? That feeling of being, you remember when the whole fad was like sensory deprivation tank? And like, I never kind of bought into that idea. I'm sure it works for some people, but I, I recommend that anyone who's feeling so peak anxious submerge themselves in water where your ears are actually covered by the water.

So it's not, your senses aren't being deprived, but it almost feels like this wholeness where it's like, you're hearing everything but nothing. And it's like this blanket that just kind of covers you. And I know that feeling that's kind of like addicted to water in that way. Because it's just like, it just, I don't know, it covers me. Yeah, but when anyone's talking about the beginning guide to meditation, right? They always say like, you know, do you concentrate in your breathing, right? Clear head, your mind, right?

But in a, we do a thing where it's like, also, what are you smelling? You know what I mean? In your fingers, you know, the, this chair right here, the little furrows on the chair, feel it, the texture, smell, right? What do you, you know, those types, it grounds you into the moment, right? And I think when you're submerged in water, right? All your senses are being, you know what I mean, activated. Well, when you're in water, you don't have a choice.

You have to be present because you are holding your breath. So you cannot have, you know, too, too many lingering thoughts outside of what's happening because you're relying on your body for its breath or to hold the breath, right? So you're very tuned in and acutely aware and really grounded because you're like, I, I have nothing to think about, but my breath because I'm holding it. Yeah. Yeah. And I also want people to listen and say, this is just this episode. I'm going to get back into taking my penis out and whipping it at people. I mean, all that stuff, you know, whip dick.

Dude, whip dick is always going to be a part of my play, dude. It's classic. Hold on one second. You know what? In the spirit of honesty again, to break this whole maybe feeling like we're not funny. Can you whip it out now and slap George in the face with it? No, I was just about to say that. I was fine with keeping it under your pants.

Slap him, dick slap him. No. Yeah, I just, could I just say this though, right? I will. Number one, I will. It's bad, dude, if you don't, our business is going to go down. If you don't slap your dick on his face right now. But I also don't, I also don't want like, because I know that, you know,

you know, I went through this facility with eight other people that I went through a group with who I'm really good friends with now, right? So I'm going to do it, but I'm going to let them know. I'm just going to let them know that I'm changing. No, stop, stop, stop. I will change. I know that pulling my penis out and whipping at another human being isn't being mindful, isn't being like, you know what I mean?

Isn't really, you know what I mean? I mean, it's space and boundaries. I'm not, there's no clear boundaries, right? But I have to do it because my beautiful for business. This is what I do for a living. So like you fucking son of a bitch. What? What?

You're doing what? Yo, that's a silver dick. Yeah, I do. All right. I don't like this. So there you go. We're back. We're back.

All right. We haven't lost them. We haven't lost it yet. So my point is Namaste to you. So with the nature, what do you want to? What's the nature, bad? What are you going to do with it? Like you want to love nature.

So you don't hate the sunshine. So what I, so what I did is, you know, when, when I was at this last place, I made a contract of things I want to do, right? So two times a week, I said, I'm going to go hiking with the dogs and Kalilah to spend nature time with my girl. Right. So yeah, there's a bunch of things I'm going to do.

Cool. You know, am I going to, am I perfect? Pretty much. All right, man. No, am I perfect? No. Yeah. Another thing that you learn to is that you're an empath

and that's why you cry a lot when you watch those shows. Right. We can just take that out completely. No, I want to, no, I really want to answer it. Yeah. Yeah. I really want to answer that. Okay.

I don't know if the empath is the right word, but like I, like, you know, because, you know, and I know that you're the same, because when I hear your background and the things that happen to you, it just makes me so sad. And it just reminds me of the same feelings that I had, you know, growing up. And so when we walk into a room, it's like, it's, it, this is an example, right?

And I don't know if I'm going to get in trouble for this, but it's like, you know, when I get pulled over the police, it's different. I have to act differently than when a black person gets pulled over the police, right? Because they just, you know what I mean? Haven't, there's a history of them, right? Getting harassed and beaten down and all this stuff, right?

So, so black fathers have to teach their black sons how to behave and react so they don't fucking die. You know what I mean? It's fucking bullshit, right? It's the same thing as like people from trauma, right? We have to, we act differently to protect ourselves, right? From hurt and harm, right? I'm not, I'm not equating what I went through to the, the, the Africa,

the black experience in America. I'm not doing that, right? You both are empaths. So I feel like even you guys watching like the voice, I can see how emotional you guys get. You like really feel the other. Yeah, but I think while there's two types of empaths, I think there are people just like, you know, naturally sort of like

in tune with how others are feeling. And there's natural empaths, I think is the theory I have. And I think that there are empaths that are made. And I think Bobby and I are made empaths because what happens is when you have a very abusive parent, we're very attuned to every tiny switch in their mood, a hitch in their voice, because there's an implication to that. Oh, I see what you're saying.

Anything, we have to very much be so observant of our surroundings because every tiny thing we're perceiving means something. So if my mom comes home, I am very mindful of the tone in which she's speaking, the, her body language, because that could mean that I'm either getting beat that night or I'm not getting beat that night. So what happens is we extend that into our outside environment. So now I'm not just hyper observant of my mom and the implications of her mood.

I'm overtly observant in the outside world. So if George is talking to me a certain way, I'm going to be like, is something wrong? I see. Are you mad at me? Like, why did you act this way? And then I take it personally. And that's when being an empath is not serving me because it's not real life.

I'm perceiving it wrong because I've just been made to be paranoid about people's behaviors around me. Does that make sense? I see the difference. My dad would switch from moods so quickly. It'd be like, I love you, baby, come here, do look at me. Shit. Jesus Christ.

You know what I mean? And you're like, you know what the fuck? You know what I mean? So it's like when something like crazy happens in my life that's out of nowhere, my body just reacts to it in such a unhealthy way. You know what I mean? And it's like, so anyway, but I want to say one last thing too is I've been very emotional, right?

So I called my manager and I said, I just want to let you know that I've treated you so poorly over the couple of years. And the reason why is because I have so much frustrations throughout this being in this business. And I just, you're the only one that I could take it out on. And I know that's not your job. I got really emotional, but I made the mistake of doing that to Santino. Why? I did that to him.

I got really emotional. And I go, I just want to let you know that you're my best friend. And I love you. You changed my all this shit. I was crying. Yeah. And he's like, uh-huh. Yep.

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's how it was. Uh-huh. Like he's like jerking off. That's what it felt like. Yeah. Uh-huh. Right?

You gotta love me too, man. Hang in there, bud. Right? Hang in there, bud. And after I was, I was, I was a little like, after I got the phone with him, I was like, like tears, but I was like, what did I do? I fucked it.

I like it. You took the risk. But it's going to backfire. Why? You can't give red heads. Oh, this, yeah. No, I'm being real. This is not an exaggeration.

I really believe this. You can't give red heads. No embellishment, right? No embellishment. Okay. This is real. This is real. You can't give red heads.

That vulnerability, because they're twisters, man. I have a secret to tell. They're twisters. You know what I'm talking about when I say twister, right? Billy Burr, you know what I mean? Gaffigan, you guys are all twisters. I have a secret, you guys, that I have not told anybody. You're redhead.

I'm a redhead. What? Wait, what? What? Grandmother had red hair. And my natural baby hair color. Oh, your white side. Yeah, on my white side.

Yeah. Yeah. It is. So in the sun, if I don't dye my hair, I have auburn hair. Hey, you look aerial. You know what's great about you being mixed? What? Right?

You get the Filipino body, but you get the white mind. Keep it in. Keep it in. Keep it in. Keep it in, baby. Keep it in, baby. I learned that from others, that information. Keep it in.

I observed it, yeah, I observed things. You know, I would have. No embellishment there. No embellishment there. Yeah, yeah. You're so lucky, babe. I heard that somewhere. But I heard that somewhere.

Oh, by the way, we could, Bobby and I, very high potential that we currently have COVID right now. Oh, yes. You want to tell the story? All right, so. The little shit head. The little shit box. You know, the little rat that we live with.

While we were out of town. Jules, well, I was getting, trying to get my mind and my heart fixed. Well, I was trying to get my heart and my mind and my life back, right? This girl decides to go dorm partying. You know, first of all, number one, I've never been in a dorm. When I've only gone to junior college. Yeah. You know, I don't know what a dorm looks like, right?

That's not true. That's an exaggeration. And I just caught myself. So one time. It's quick. That was quick. My brother lived in a dorm in ASU. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And so I don't know what a dorm is, but. It's a good one. Okay. But that's a, but you know what? I'm not going to change certain things. Wait, let's talk about our current COVID status. All right.

So anyway, so this little girl goes to partying and this weekend. Right. She said that, right? And then you said, you look like a ghost. Didn't you not say that? She looked pale. Well, I had asked her earlier if she was feeling okay because she was really pale and she was like, yeah, I feel fine.

But I think she was in denial because I was like, you know, look right. She's like, I feel fine. I feel fine. And then sure enough, soon after that, she was like, my throat hurts. And I was like, pretty sure you got it. Go get tested. So she's, she has it, but we've all been hanging out. Yeah, it's terrible.

I might have it, but you know what? No, you don't. But, but. We did ask George and Gilbert before this. No, but I was okay with being here today and they were like, also Gilbert and I, there's something. I mean, just let's, let's ease up on it and let's say it in the right way. And I, this is not an exaggeration because everyone knows I'm telling the truth right now.

Yeah. Gilbert and I are immune. Compromise. No, we're just, we beat it. We're better. I hope so much. You guys get it tomorrow. We, I honestly, honestly do, honestly do, honestly do it.

Me and Gilbert. I don't care how much. I shut the fuck up, bro. Him and I have been in some places and we never get it. Right. So what I'm saying is that maybe you and I, right? Are stronger than most people, just X-Men X-Men. I'm fine with this statement, but will you say the exact same thing two days from now?

And just please tell it to me. Like when, when, when you're hacking out along, can you say that exact same thing? I will. But can I say something else? I'll commit to that too. I have. I'm going to require that you say the same thing. There's proof, I think.

You have proof that you've been in environments. So I'll tell you my proof. Last week, right, I double masked to go to the mall because I knew that no one's wearing a mask. And no one's wearing a mask. I'm in a mall and I literally almost got COVID. Do you know why? Why? Everybody recognize me.

Oh my gosh. Okay. There he is. You get your money back from the institution. There he is. But everybody say, can you take a photo with me? I don't know. And then they go, I love you.

Take a photo of this and that. And I walk around. People follow me around. I don't know what to do. Maybe I could hope it. So you gave it to Jules. I didn't get it to Jules. We got it.

Yeah. Anyway, so guys listening, I'm going to be okay. You know, another thing is I got a lot of like, oh, people are so concerned for me. And I honestly like, you guys, I love you guys so much. In fact, it was so great. So this is going to make you feel good. So I'm flying from Phoenix to Burbank.

And I grew because when I showed up at the airport, they said, your ticket's no longer here, but we'll get you a ticket, but you're a middle seat coach, whatever, right? And I go, okay. Remember, I even said to you, I'm okay with it. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I thought you got a window seat, though, in the spirit of honesty. What's the story, man? It was a window. Also, it's like a 45 minute flight. All right. I'm not cutting that out. You've been exposed by Kalei.

Oh, you got a window seat and a 45 minute flight, and row eight instead of one. What's the point of that story, man? Hey, why are you doing this? I'm just trying to figure out what to do here. I'm poking good. Guys, I'm fucking poking. Anyway, so I decided to write eighth group.

Eighth group? They don't go to group eight? Yeah, they do. They do? Yeah, I'll give you the two. Southwest? No, it wasn't Southwest. It was American.

I didn't know they did groups. Oh, I see what you're saying. So what's the real story here? That's 100% the truth. And so I decided to do a rebel thing, and I'm going to be the very last person on the flight. I don't know why I did that. I should kind of like that.

So I let everyone go on, but there was a family, two girls that looked like they were in a softball tournament, high school girls, like even middle school. I don't know. And then a father and the daughters are like kind of pointing at me, and the mom comes up to me and she goes, are you okay? And I go, what do you mean?

She goes, I'm just like the biggest tiger belly fan. I know that you went away. Are you coming home? Oh. Is there anything you need? Like she was just so sweet. Oh, that's sweet. And I'm okay.

And I kind of briefly shared like what I went through. And she's just like, that's what, you know, you know, all the things that we've done for her. And you know, I took a photo with her. Oh, wait, I think she tagged me. Was it a picture on the plane? Yeah, that was her. Oh, yeah.

And it just was, you know what it felt like? It made me want to come back home. It made me realize that, you know, the fans I have through tiger belly and bad friends are different than any other fan base that I have required. It's more personal. I talk to them longer. Like I'll spend hours with them if need be. I really like them a lot.

And I feel like there's a familiarity because they, they're not, because, you know, I expose and I'm act weird on the show. And I've say some weird things. And you know what I mean? I flip my dick on you and stuff like that and all that little thing. And people still listen and people accept me for who I am. So I feel like there's, there's, you know, it's like meeting somebody on Tinder.

You know, they swiped right already. So that uncomfortability, do they like me is already gone. So it's like, when they're a fan of mine, it feels like there's already like a relationship almost. I've always wanted to ask you this. Um, how many, um, Tinder dates did you go on before me? One. Really?

That's it? Clod your is just Bobby, right? Yeah. It's my first and only. And the girl, I just, I remember instantly as I picked her up, I know it's not going to work. Yeah. And I remember having dinner with her anyway and being very nice to her anyway,

dropping off. I never saw her again. Wow. And you were my second one. Put it here. Turn down Amy Adams. Also, I want to say, because I just watched it. I know that we filmed it a long time ago,

but I just watched, um, a portion of the little HBO thing we did. So good. With a Curry, with Stephen Curry and Aisha. Yeah, congratulations. We didn't miss a single question. First of all, I want to thank HBO and the Curry's for inviting Kalyla and I to participate in their game show. Number one, they had no idea that they were dealing with, um, champions.

Champions and winners. Number two, we went in there. You and I did practice stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think they practiced. We practiced. Yeah.

We got to know each other even more. Right. And we, but we also said, yeah, we also said this, there are just certain themes that you have to consider. Number one, any question involving responsibility and not responsibility. I'm always the, uh, not responsible one, right? If it comes to like cleanliness, not cleanliness, you know what I mean? Eating bad food, good food, any, anything down those lines, right?

We already decided this is what we're going to, you know what I mean? Our point of view. But I, not to be cocky, but who's going to compete with seven years of podcasting together? Yeah, seriously. Maybe. I think that's just like, we've been training for, for something like that our whole life and finally HBO is like, here, test out your knowledge.

And you were like, of course, we're going to win this. But you and I always, but you and I always have always like, hey, I have a pimple inside my asshole. You look at it. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like we have that kind of relationship.

But I, another thing I will say is like, we walked in there already knowing we were going to win. We were so cocky. We were so cocky. We were so cocky. We were so cocky. We had to like pretend we were excited when we won. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So they were like, uh, we're going to win this. But you know what I did, even what I did enjoy though is, um, I just like the group that we were with. Yeah. I love Lonnie. You know what I mean?

And, um, yeah. Husband was cool. Yeah. And I just, that was a fun. So the curries are like obnoxiously good looking, but also sweet. They're just way too good looking. They don't look human.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Apple made them real. Yeah. You want an iPad or the curries? I'll buy a couple of curries. A couple of curries.

Yeah. They're like that, like almost perfection and kind. And also it just, it didn't feel like our environment almost. Did it, right? What do you mean by that? Like it seemed extra, because I've been on a lot of sets. Yeah. I've also been on game show sets and, and those types of sets.

This one seemed like we were actually going into like a club in Dubai. Yeah. It was like swanky. They put us in a hotel room. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like it was just so like,

like we don't have oil money. What do we do here? You know what I mean? Like that's what it felt like. And the whole time, like my bra is not supposed to be seen there. So my shirt rip popped open and they couldn't fix it. And I was wearing a sheer bra underneath. And so the whole time I was like, oh, dear God,

said a wardrobe mild function for the first time. But you know what, then stop us. Yeah. And can I say a proud moment or a beautiful moment we had? Yeah. You know, when I walked into makeup, right, and seeing Koala getting her makeup done. No, it's not even funny.

I was so proud of her. Did you, did you feel like I was nervous at all? But she did something that was like not in her wheelhouse. You know, like nine years ago, she would have never really done it. I don't think, you know. Yeah, it was cool. And to have her be able to like not only do it, but kill it.

Right. With confidence. Because we all saw that video with the MMA video on Long Beach. Battle, battle. With her eyes crossed and scared. Can we finally release that? Yeah. You're a professional actor now.

We're a professional actor now. I. Your HBO, your HBO level actor. Born with my eyes crossed. Okay, that's. I know. But that video that you did from whatever 15 years ago was like, this is what it felt like.

Right. You know the movie 300? Yeah. Imagine the movie was called one and she had to fight all those guys by herself. That's what it felt like her eyes were crossed, sweating and just petrified. Right. Yeah.

This when I'm watching her, she's just like, doesn't seem nervous. She's getting her mic and make talking to people. Right. She does. Her hands aren't sweaty. They weren't sweaty. They weren't.

And we showed up and there was no nervousness and you were so confident. You're pro. So good that it just made me go. Oh my God. I mean, we made a fucking monster here. I have to thank Tiger belly. I honestly think that that's a perfect. If you had me act.

Yeah. The sweat, the mustache sweat, everything would come up. But this is like, oh, I get to be myself. Yeah. Yeah. And next to you, like we've been doing this for years. Like this is home base. Yeah.

And I also want to propose to HBO. Right. We love that show. Keep it on. But we're available too. I just want to say that. I also want to say that we could have our own little dating show. That's a little different.

Yeah. A little bit more wild. I don't think it might be too much for HBO. It's got to be on like Skin of Max or something. Yeah. Whatever. But I, you know, because I'll be honest with you, you know, they liked us. They did.

You guys crushed it. Yeah. No, not just the curries. The people beyond it, you know what I mean? That are in charge. They did like us a lot. And it was just a really good thing. You know, I almost died after that.

But it's fine because I'm alive still. Unhelpful advice. Unhelpful advice with Bobby and Calyla. We actually didn't get really any unhelpful advice, but we did get a giant influx of emails about giving jokes to Calyla. I think last week we asked Bobby said, I'll pay you 100 bucks for jokes. All right. So if, but here's the deal.

Okay. Give her the jokes. You want her to read them? She's going to stand up and do them as a performer. Okay. I don't. Today? Right now. Yeah.

Okay. So I just separately, there's so many. Zoom it in, right? You have to stand up though as a comic, babe. Okay. So some of these have like prompts though. So maybe we'll like. Let me see some of these jokes.

This one. That was tough. All right. So here's, I like the first joke. I like the first joke. I like the first joke. I like the first joke. So this is what you do, right?

This is what you're going to do. I'm going to say this. So I'm going to go ladies and gentlemen, Calyla Cune, right? And I open with that joke. You're going to say, well, you're going to say, first of all, you're going to say round of applause, right? Yeah. For Bobby, your host or whatever, right?

Yeah. Or the comic before. And wow, it's crazy, man. Okay. Round of applause for your host, Bobby Lee. But also say this, right? Yeah. Also say this.

You got to segue it. So God, man, the pandemic was weird, right? Okay. Then you go over to the lockdown was tough. All right. All right. Ready? She's like, shut up.

No, you're taking me out. Just stand up. All right. My mic is already. It doesn't matter. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, Calyla Cune, everybody. Oh, give it up for your host, Bobby Lee.

He gave me chlamydia last year. No big deal. That was a G. I like that. I like that. That's funny. Okay. So the lockdown was really tough.

And it lasted so long. And you know, you've been in the house way too long when your period syncs up with your dogs. Tag it, tag it. Take it, Calyla. Take the no laugh. Take a deep breath. Tag it, tag it, tag it.

Tag it. I don't have a tag. My Bobby also gave chlamydia to my husband. Oh, there it is. There it is. There we go. All right. So next, next one.

Why just Brie taking the no laugh? Yeah. Yeah. Do you feel George throwing a foot? I don't know if these are even like full jokes. Okay. My girlfriend loves the concept of re-gifting. Oh wow, because you do this, do this, do this one, yeah.

Which one? Or boyfriend. Okay, okay, okay. You said my boyfriend loves the concept of re-gifting. Oh my God. This is a tag. It's perfect. It's a good thing.

So you guys know I'm with Bobby. And well, he loves the concept of re-gifting. I think it's a little cheap, but whatevs. And I've never really understood why, but I love him deeply and I would do anything to make him happy. In fact, I decided to try re-gifting as a favor to him. So for his birthday this year, I gave him chlamydia. Did I actually work?

First of all, that joke works is going to work. Who wrote that? Aiden? Sheldon. Alden. Alden, you get $100. $100 for Alden. Honestly, can we use that in your app?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll message him. Put that out. That $100 we give him. Get his fucking Venmo. All right, so. Should we just every week? I like that joke.

Wow. So every week, how about this? Every week, how about this? Every week, I'm not going to spend $1,000 for jokes I like. Once a week, once a week, yeah. So what we'll do every week is we'll get one joke that you like, and then we're going to create a five-minute set, and then we're going to do it live.

But then whoever comes to the show is going to already have heard all of these. Here's the thing. We're not going to do a Kalyla Cune show. We're going to do a show where you, it's going to be a random audience that doesn't know who you are. Perfect. Alden, that was a great joke. Great joke. We loved it.

Thanks, Alden. The first joke was okay, too. Anyway, real quick about the fights. Oh, yeah. So number one, I could have lost thousands of dollars that night, so I'm never going to bet. I love Derek Bronson so fucking much. I just think that he's not seen in the right light.

I think he's one of the top fucking guys in that weight division. But he is. He's 11th. I picked him, yeah. Right. You picked him because he was a big dog. No, he was a good bet. He was ranked four. He was ranked four.

He's ranked four, yeah. Bronson was ranked four. But a canineer was three. No, three. A canineer was three. Bronson was three. Why was the spread that way then? Why was he such a big dog?

The disrespect of Bronson. They think he can't strike. Yeah. Dude. When he, Chabazian, when you fought him? Oppencomer knocked him. An undefeated fighter, Ronda Rousey's prodigy, Bronson destroyed him, right?

Bronson is great. But he lost, canineer, huge fan as well. So great fight. But I want people to respect Bronson. I want people to also respect Calvin Cater. He wasn't fighting, but I love him. I love Calvin Cater, all right? So the fight between Derek Lewis and Ty.

Ty Tuavosa. Tuavosa, Bam Bam. They're both stars. Amazing. They're both stars. Derek Lewis, in my opinion, is a legend. He will always, I mean, be a draw. Do you think he'll do our podcast?

I 100% would. That's who we should be reaching out. That's who we should be reaching out. I love him. I love Derek Lewis. Because DC is not the current enemy. My messages. I think Ty Tuavosa should too.

Yeah, let's get both of them. Yeah, can we get them side by side on the all form couch? But here's what also what I want to do. The next UFC fight, I don't care what it is, we're going to go. Don't we have to be invited? No, I'm going to figure it out. I think there are, I have channels, right, that I can go to. And I think we'll be able to go.

He wants to sit next to Travis Barker and Corny Kardashian. No, no, no, no, no. Seats, wave it, be it before the. And machine gun Kelly and Megan Foxx. No, I just want to go where Theo goes. If Theo gets good seats, I think we deserve good seats. Okay. Right.

And honestly, like. My only interaction with Dana White is one time I was in Las Vegas. Right. I was with Steve Oh, and it was during some sort of you. Oh, it was, you know what it was? It was, I was a presenter at the MMA Awards. Mm hmm. The one that Randy Couture hosted.

Okay. And that night I was with Steve Oh at a restaurant in the hotel. And Dana White came to the table, right? And he was a huge Steve Oh fan, right? I could sense that he didn't like me as much. I just, he didn't know much about me. You know what I mean? You know, mad TV wasn't as cool as.

You know what I mean? Jackass. You know what I mean? He just, you know, it's just not his wheelhouse, right? And I still probably think that like, you know, if. DC doesn't want to do our podcast, it's fine. It hurts our feelings. You know what I mean?

Nobody will avenge, but my point is, is this, okay? That not everyone we can get because I'm going to say this right now, just let everyone listen. We're getting, we have guests coming on to this thing that other people aren't going to be able to get. And we're very happy about that fact. Okay. And we're very optimistic, but I think we should go to the next UFC fight to show face

because we're huge fans. I think we deserve to be there. I have a question though. Did you steal that sweatshirt? Is that a security tag still on it? No. No, man. Shut the camera.

Okay. So this, okay. I believe, all right, this is a part of the clothes. I think that's a security bag. No, because I got two, I got two of these. I got this online. So you stole two of them. No, no, I got this on the mall.

You were disoriented. No, no, I got this from sheep ink, right? On Instagram. It was delivered to my house and it came with this fucking security fucking. In the spirit of honesty, you stole it at the mall. No, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't. Look at the security thing. Wait, is it?

Yeah. Bro, that's a security thing. Okay. Just let me just, hold on, hold on, hold on. This guy's vibe is not well. No, no, no, fuck you, fuck you. No, no, no, hold on, hold on. I want to go to their website.

Is that a QR code in the back? Yeah, it's a QR code in the back. Is that stolen or is it a? I like this sweater. It was good. What'd you think of today's pod? I thought it was great. It's awesome.

But we should wrap it up properly though. No, but I'm not done yet. I'm just saying, I honestly think this is great. I feel better than I've felt in a long time doing it. I'm not as like manic, you know what I mean? And I'm going to get better as the weeks go on. You know, you might have gained a lot of perspective in Arizona, but it's, it looks like you lost a toenail.

I didn't even notice that. Babe, babe, can I just fucking let my feet be for a sec? Sniper. All right. How the fuck did you, did you? Oh, so can you not fucking move my fucking screen all over there and this and that? I had to do that and this. Oh, that's why I bought the extra extension cord.

Okay. Yeah, I've got an extra extension cord so you can, doesn't have to be in my mise-en-scene. And we are looking for a gaming sponsor. So did you finish all of us are dead or did you see it? No. Okay. Did you finish it?

I finished it. All of us are dead. See it? All of us are dead? Third episode. Yeah. Not even finish it. Did you even start it?

No. You know what it is? It's the Korean thing that you were talking about. It's a zombie. You told me to watch Kingdom first. Didn't you say watch Kingdom first? Yeah. You haven't seen Kingdom?

Kingdom's good. Oh, Kingdom's great. But I really liked all of us are dead. I thought you were going in and out. No, when I realized what the ending was, I liked it. Okay. Because I want to know, here's what it is. I'm not giving away anything.

It's essentially a high school in Korea, right? And there's a zombie apocalypse going on. An outbreak, yeah. An outbreak. Okay. Now, it's a bunch of kids surviving this terrible circumstance. Okay. In your head, how are they going to do a season two?

Because I'm not about to watch these kids constantly surviving through the city. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? It's just like we've seen that in Walking Dead. People just surviving is not enough for me. But in this, you realize that there's a different thing going on. And that's why I like it. You know what I mean?

It's like you think it through. It's not, you know, when you're watching Lost back in the day, you just felt like, I don't know if they know what they're doing. You know what I mean? But this feels like they do. I think it's a great show. If you like zombies, like that genre, it's a subgenre, really, right? Then watch it.

That's all. Anyway, you guys, honestly, like I am so happy to be back. We get some great episodes coming up. And I have the best fans. We have the best fans in the fucking world. And even just was it yesterday today, we were walking down the street and somebody just yelled out Tiger Valley. It just makes us feel like we're connected.

Those are my favorite interactions when they just yell it out of a car. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I like that. So thank you so much. I'm going to make a promise to you guys that it's a daily thing that I'm doing, but my intention is number one to live until I'm 90. I really do. I want to live until I'm 90.

And also I want to, I just want to be happier. And I want to, I want to change some things, but it's not going to affect any of the show. It's not going to affect my comedy, but it's going to make my life much more happier. And I think it's going to make your lives more happier because I think I want to treat you guys better, you know? And not that I'm a tyrant, plus I think I've been pretty generous.

So no, I'm not going to. I'm going to treat you the same. Abuse me. I'm going to treat you the same. You know what? I'm going to treat you the same. I'm a bull. Anyone in this room, I'm treating the same.

Okay. Not you. When we go upstairs, different, but in this room, we're the same. That's fine by you, right? When we leave this room, different, all right? But fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you. Good night. Thank you.

Hey guys, if you want to submit any jokes to Kalala stand-up set and get some money from the Slap King, you can just do that by going to adviceunhelpfulgmail.com and put in the subject line, Kalaila joke. Thanks, guys. And send W2s and all the way over here. That, yeah, that as well. And an invoice or else we'll get in trouble. We love you guys.

Have a good one. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Barely Ad Free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen Ad Free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com.