TigerBelly - Episode 118: Eureka, Science Alert!
Episode Date: November 22, 2017Bobo finds a pebble. Khaloko has turkey day blues. Gilbo goes for the heartburn. We talk the Sin of Onan, broken mannequin heads, and the goosh gash. #smellded #hellven #yeahnene  See Privac...y Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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I told you not to laugh, dude. I have to start over now. God, I'm sorry.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
Just take a look at me now.
Okay, that's it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. No, fuck it. Fuck it.
You should sing the Dan Hill song, but in a Manny Pacquiao style.
Sometimes when we touch, the honesty is too much.
Welcome to Tiger Belly. I don't fuck. My name is Bobby Lee. I just realized it.
I just realized who I am. I have a dad-fan moment right now.
I was just about to say that. How often does that happen when you're like,
oh shit, I'm Bobby Lee. I was just kidding. You fucking nutcase.
Oh, okay. I'm just saying. You flat-faced yellow.
I think about that sometimes. Yeah, look at white George with his slick-back hair.
You're back on the mic, bro. Yeah, nene. Yeah, nene.
That's my new n-word. Nene. What's up, nene? What's up with you?
That's my new n-word. Did you just say nene?
It's not the n-word. It's just like an internal environment.
No, I wanted to say the n-word, but I'm going to say nene.
No, then you're ruining the, because it's the intention behind the word.
Yeah, it's just nene. Yeah, nene. Yeah, nene.
And we got Kalayla. We got Kalayla.
My new replacement word is just honkies. Just walk into a room.
What's up, my honkies?
Oh, George. Cut.
Three minutes into the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He said honkies.
We're going to get somebody else to do that part.
So zip recruiter, you can find new people to hire if you fucking idiot.
Hey, honkies. You fucking asshole.
Anyone's ever said that to me like out loud.
Science alert. Science alert.
Science alert. Science alert. Science. Science, I mean.
Doctor Lee. Yeah. Oh, well, I heard you have a new founding.
I do. Something happened. What is it?
A discovery. Oh, God.
So when I was five, I used to eat little tiny rocks in my front lawn.
Okay. At home. We used to live in Rancho Bernardo.
Do you have pica? What do you mean pica?
What's pica?
Pica is when you have like absurd cravings for a weird type of food,
like pregnant women, if they have like a vitamin deficiency,
they'll start eating nudes like wood.
I was five. I was no pregnant, bitch.
I don't know. Maybe you had a vitamin deficiency.
I was pregnant. How was I fucking fine?
I'm a boy too, bitch. But he's a male. God damn nene.
We didn't see you say that the whole podcast.
Nene.
But so I used to eat little rocks.
And they were specific looking.
I just remember them distinctly as a kid.
They were like, you know why I ate them?
Because they were little tiny.
They're tiny and they, I like cereal.
It tastes like cereal.
Interesting.
Now we find out how he actually lost all his teeth.
The origin story.
Eating rocks.
Everyone's listening up.
So the other day I was in the bath.
And I was feeling something around my anus.
This is the other day. I remember.
I remember the day very clearly.
Oh, it was an event.
Because I yelled Eureka.
I said Eureka loud.
Science alert.
Science alert.
So I pick out a little pebble from my anus.
And I look at it.
And it looks just like the little tiny fucking rocks I used to eat.
When I was five.
Listen.
So I was like, no, there's no way.
There's no fucking way.
But then I smelled it.
No, just listen.
It smelled it.
It smelled it.
Science alert.
New words.
It smelled it like.
That should be a word, by the way.
Smelled it.
It smelled it like.
Beyond shit.
It was beyond.
How did you describe that?
It was a level of...
You know what shit smells like?
Well, give me some.
I can't describe it.
There's a lot of deep.
Umami deep.
Primeval.
Primeval.
But there was an undercurrent of something else foul.
At play here.
Like corpse.
Like dead shit.
So when I smelled it, I did one of those face things.
You know that Bojo does?
When he smells men's ass.
I did one of those.
I stuck the rock on the side of the little panel there.
On the bathtub.
And I just started bathing myself.
I was going to let it go.
Because I was going to throw it away later.
But I kept looking at it and I go...
God, that looks like...
Exactly like the rocks I used to eat.
And I smelled it again.
Don't stop smelling it.
This is what I did then.
Then I put shampoo.
And soap.
I had that Santel 33 soap.
I started washing it.
You shellacked your own shit.
It wasn't the rock.
The rock.
And I started washing it.
Yeah.
You're being intuitive.
Beep beep beep.
So I was smelling it.
After I washed it deeply.
It was even worse.
The fucking smell was at the core of this little rock.
And then I realized
that this has been inside my body since I was five.
You think so?
Holy shit.
That fermenting inside my colon.
Right?
40...
40 years.
How did it get past the hydrochloric acid in your stomach?
Maybe his body.
I don't know what you just said.
I thought this was a science moment.
You should know what HCL is.
That's very good that you said that.
Thank you for mentioning that.
I'll tell you why.
Beep beep beep.
Because this rock
was a little smaller
than the rocks I used to eat.
The hydrochloric acid.
I think it
brought it down to a smaller size.
It eroded.
So it was initially much bigger.
Yes.
But it's science.
That's what I wanted to open this podcast with.
Give me something that's just...
Things can live inside your body.
Is that true now? You being a nurse?
I don't...
I'm supposed to know what comes out of your ass 40 years later.
No, but what I'm saying is that
a colonic thing
with the machine where you can see the tube.
Yeah, the colonics.
It used to be a fad.
Yeah, you did it a couple of times.
You would look
at this little tube
and things would...
You could see through it.
Things that were inside you.
You'd see a fingernail.
A ring.
I don't know.
Things were in a lottery ticket.
You know, you would...
So maybe...
I remember the lady saying that
things stay inside you. They get trapped in there.
Yeah, of course.
A prisoner in hell.
Someone ate an asparagus and the tip of the asparagus
came out of their butt or they just fell out.
What? Like the whole asparagus?
No, just the tip.
For how long was it in there? No, it was like a day.
What kind of story is that?
I know yours is 40 years in the making.
Yeah, but that means he doesn't chew his food.
No, it's just that he's not...
It proves that it went through.
Of course, some things can go through
if you don't have proper absorption.
If you have either your small intestines
not absorbing it correctly,
your colon's not absorbing the final...
If your stomach's not breaking it down correctly,
a lot of people with IBD
it goes right through them.
They eat, they shit.
Let me ask you something. In the stomach, are there side caverns?
If you have diverticulitis...
No, I'm not talking normal stomachs.
If I eat something
and the food is traveling through
whatever the party tubes...
You can for sure have...
Party tubes.
You can for sure have a lot of caked
and petrified stuff over time.
There we go.
But I'm saying it's probably unlikely
that it's the same rock that you ate.
Is it impossible?
Give me a percent.
I personally think it's possible
that 40 years from now is when you discovered the same rock.
I think it would have passed through
especially since you got colonics.
And that's why you don't believe in miracles.
I don't believe in that type of...
And you're not a dreamer.
That's not good.
You gotta be a dreamer.
How about you, George? You believe?
Be real. Be honest with me.
No, come on, man.
Whoa, he's about to use honkies.
How about you, man?
You know what?
I believe because some shit has happened to my butt.
There we go.
Can I just say this to you, my friend?
I'm not joking either.
That's a possibility in the way you said it with your face.
You and I, when we die,
we're going to be in a special place in heaven.
What is it?
Heaven.
We're going to be in a special place
in heaven.
Heaven.
You and I are going to be with cool people.
Cleopatra.
Yes.
The guy that invented sparkling water.
The guy from Leeds, England.
Oh, he's great.
I remember his name.
Jeremy Piven.
He's not going to be in our little circle.
Oh, yeah, you don't.
It's so funny. When you die and you go to heaven, though,
if you think about this,
everyone that died before you was up there.
That's good.
So we get to hang out with some cool people up there.
At what age are they, though?
What?
Do you stay at the same age?
Or do you get to choose what point of your life?
We'll meet the first guy that ever had athlete's foot.
Oh, my God, George.
Can you put the AC on? Look at my hands.
You know what I mean?
I'll be on a cloud and some white dude will walk by.
And I'll be like,
hey, are you the first guy to ever get athlete's foot?
He's like, yeah, it was me, dude.
Why would he be in heaven, though?
The first?
Maybe he ran a lot. I don't know.
Where's George?
What is wrong with you?
Is it not hot in here?
It's winter.
It's wintertime. You're a fucking salamander.
No, it's because I'm on my period.
I think I'm sweating.
Tell us about the period.
I want Bobby to explain how a period works.
Oh, shit.
I know how a period works.
Do you know how many women this man has been with?
Yeah, exactly.
Tell me the names of the hormones that play in a woman.
Let me just go.
I can only answer one question.
At a time.
So a woman has a cycle every month, right?
And that's when the egg...
How many days?
Three days. Sounds about right.
Maybe add a zero.
Three to five.
Some books say three to seven.
Depends what school of thought you've got.
Different schools of thought.
Some say two hours.
Some say two hours.
Some say two hours.
Yeah, those become doctors.
Sign it.
Okay, go ahead.
Three to seven days.
What's coming out of me?
What's coming out of you is
the embryo's discharge.
Oh, so there's a baby inside of you?
No.
Discharge.
What's an embryo?
What do you think it is?
Are you stupid?
You tell me.
You're saying there's an embryo
that's inside me every month?
No, it's an egg.
Oh, okay.
Here's how a baby is bathed.
I have millions of sperms.
Millions.
Little spermsies, right?
And they unload inside your box.
That's how I say it.
I know that's not the fucking medical term.
But it's a school of thought.
You called it a gash in the past.
Yeah, yeah.
Box, you know what I mean?
So I unload in your crevice, right?
Juice crevice.
And all of a sudden,
my little...
You know how you come in your hand?
Yeah.
Do you know how that happens?
I cut more of my belly.
And then you see a little splooch,
right?
There's little microscopic little me's.
And there's millions of them.
And it's a race for time.
It really is.
And they know it.
Your body does an automatic whistle.
You know when I come?
Yeah.
Shotgun.
You do a gun.
Your body does a gun.
Mine does a whistle.
I don't know what he does.
Whatever time, you know what I mean?
I'm more old-timey about my body.
I feel like that means you have less propulsion then.
Right.
Yeah.
You know the rings around my dick
that you keep talking about?
That's the starting line.
That's the startling strip.
That's why I have it.
They know where to start.
They know where to start.
So I unload.
And then they race.
Into your fucking...
Your cavernous gas.
Your cavernous gas.
And they don't even know...
Imagine this.
Imagine racing
where there's 62 lanes.
62 different directions.
The only one direction, right,
is the right one.
So there's a guessing game.
So automatically right there,
80% of the sperms, they get lost.
Damn. That's a sad life.
It's sad. No, I mean, they just don't know what...
It's dark.
Get some track lights up in there.
You know what I mean?
They get lost. Evolved.
Well, they're blind and they probably should die off if they're not.
Exactly. So 20% of them, they make it to the right lane.
Some of them have headlights,
and those are the ones that make it through the dark place.
Okay. That's true.
So they're racing, they're racing, right?
And then they...
And then like, a lot of them like...
They do sabotage.
You know, they like nudge another sperm.
Oh, a NASCAR.
Nudge another sperm.
And when the sperm goes against one of your walls inside your body,
and then they die.
But anyway,
millions and millions, and then they...
Then you get to the egg part.
And let's just say like, 5% now.
The sperm is left.
All those sperm land on the egg?
But check it out.
It's like a nutshell.
It's hard to get in.
It's like a chestnut?
No, it's like...
It's like some of those clubs that used to go to Vegas.
You got to get on a list.
Yeah, it's like...
Yeah, it's tough to get in.
It's like me showing up at a club in Vegas.
I can't get in.
So a lot of them are like that.
Yeah, they're at the door.
Yeah, but then some of them are wearing little mini skirts
and whatever, and they show their little coochie.
But anyway, it's a dig. It's a dig for life.
It's a dig for life, right?
And then they get...
Maybe 30 of them finally get to the mid-core
of the shell part of your egg.
Oh my God.
And some of them, they just...
They die there.
They die on the egg.
No, in mid shell.
And then
one of them is like...
Burrows.
One of them finally burrows through
and then it meets your little egg
and it creates life.
Eureka.
And you know what, guess what?
Us four.
We're that sperm.
We were the champions.
I don't want to talk about your...
Oh, yeah.
In fact, everyone listen even.
So you should pat yourself on the back.
Everyone listening right now,
you are the champion of all that.
But that's how life starts.
And you know what?
I bet you money, you couldn't create
a different way of doing it in a better way.
That's a good way to do it.
You have a competition, right?
There's odds. It's a good reality show.
There's odds, you know what I mean?
Are against you.
But you can pull out a rose nominunus
and like really just...
An underdog, yeah.
Surprise.
Eureka.
You know.
Anyway.
That's how the metro cycle works.
Did you learn everything?
I learned so much, you guys.
I mean, as a matter of fact,
I'm so sad that I'm in debt
for college when I could have just
gone to you and learned all of this.
You know, there's a little sarcasm there
and a little bit of joke jokes.
But let me say this one right now.
I might have been wrong.
But I think that
I could fool some people in a classroom.
You probably could.
I think you got the general.
The gist of it.
Am I right though?
Mostly?
Yeah.
It's a competition to
the egg basically.
Yeah.
But let me ask you this.
When is life start though?
Like when the two
like because you're religious
and when the
embryo, egg embryo
and the spermacidal sperm,
they collide and they create life,
is that now you can't kill that?
When is the brain formed?
No, when is it?
The neural tube?
When is it murder?
The neural tube.
I think that's what they're trying to figure out.
Well, that's all just based on who you are.
Right.
What you think.
There's no, you can't change the size.
There's no scientific basis of what we consider life.
So if you're religious, it's as soon as
the sperm and the egg join.
Then if you're really that religious
and if you think that if you're thinking along the lines
of like DNA, then fucking sperm itself
is life.
Is life, right?
I kill millions and millions of people every day then.
That's the sin of owning, man.
Sometimes they're on your palm.
And the Old Testament, that's the sin of owning.
What's the sin of, what's that?
If you spill your seed on the earth.
That's what owning did, that's why it's called owning.
Oh, that's why you cannot jerk off.
Is that why it's...
It's in one of the, yeah.
Really, in your little special fucking religion
you have a little special thing.
No, that's Judaism, man.
That's everybody's special religion.
My point being.
That's a big...
My point being.
I don't even know what I'm saying.
My point being.
Let me ask you this, okay.
I believe life starts with consciousness.
I believe that what Descartes said,
I think therefore I am.
You know?
He was coming up with those meditations.
He was thinking to himself,
what's my life?
Who am I? What is this?
And through all these meditations,
all these things, he realized that
it's your consciousness
that makes you who you are.
Thinking.
I believe that when they come out
of the vagina,
the baby,
that's the beginning.
But they're not even...
They have no memories
from when I was
two or younger.
I do not recall a single thing.
Maybe one single thing.
Maybe just one very blurry memory
from when I was a year old
or a year and a half to two.
I don't remember anything.
So in my head, I wasn't...
You know, I wasn't me yet.
I have not a single fucking memory.
What's your earliest thought?
Probably stealing a drumstick,
like a fried chicken and getting yelled at
as a toddler.
And I hit it under my pillow.
You hit it under your pillow?
No, we were having a family party
and then my yaya, my nanny,
she was chasing me around
and everyone was screaming because I stole it
and then I hit it under my pillow
and I wouldn't... I just kind of hijacked it.
Oh, for the chicken fairy.
That's just the Filipino way, though.
I feel like you guys like to steal food.
You know what?
I'll say no. Yeah.
I've stole so much food in my life.
I'll put it out. Yeah.
I apologize for it, but I did it.
I used to steal so much food.
Yeah, I feel like sometimes you watch movies
where I'm like a poor homeless kid
walked by a bakery, like a fancy bakery.
That's for the Filipino people?
No, and they're looking at the...
You know what I mean? Pastries like,
oh, I can't eat that fancy.
The Filipino would go in there and steal it.
Hey, that's rude.
I will say one thing about Filipinos
that we do write.
I don't think I've ever been to a party
where I don't bring at least, like, a Tupperware.
If I know food's gonna be there.
Baby, every fucking person does that.
No, like, bring house.
Yeah, white people do it all the fucking time.
Like, bring my own Tupperware?
Yeah, they bring their own Tupperware. Here's my little gush-gash.
Whatever they make.
Goulash?
Gush-gash.
I don't know what they call it.
I'm just trying to say gush-gash.
Because I know my man.
Can I tell you something right now?
I know his shortcomings.
Because I'm on a podcast, right?
I don't try to think of the word.
Whatever comes out comes out.
And I think that that's a very good skill.
I'm here to interpret.
And by doing that, I think everyone should do that.
We can create new words.
Gush-gash today.
Yeah, nene.
It's nene, it's not nene.
So, you know, that's how you do it.
Whatever, if you're trying to come up with the word,
just say whatever you think it is.
And then something magical will come out.
Tell words, you know?
What was your earliest memory?
Your very first memory.
Honestly, and you guys are going to think I'm fucking crazy.
I remember being in a cradle.
Really?
I'll tell you how.
So, you know where I lived
in the first six months of my life, right?
I'm asking.
Did I have us talked about this?
The first six months of my life,
my parents owned a wig store
in downtown San Diego,
which later my cousin Eddie
and Jenny's, my uncle,
took over.
And the nursery
was in the
mannequin head storage room.
The storage room?
Yeah, where they put all the broken mannequin heads.
Right?
So, I mean,
that wig store's not there anymore,
but I remember going there in my 20s
because my uncle still owned it.
And I remember going into that room
and they have all these shelvings with broken mannequin heads.
And I was in the center
of my cradle, right, of this thing.
And you could just see all these heads
right, are peering down
into the cradle.
So, I remember laying there
and seeing all these like mannequin heads.
But the ones with missing nose,
you know what I mean? The ones that were like broken.
It was creepy.
So, I remember that.
Laying there going, oh, this is life.
This is weird. I'm being examined
by, you know what I mean,
40 fucked up looking heads.
That's what?
And also on top of it,
my brother and I,
after the mannequin head room, the storage room,
there's a dark hallway that goes
to the end of this fucking thing.
We can't even go past that.
You know why?
Because fuck, you could feel it.
In what way?
You smell it, just the energy.
It's like fucking haunted.
How long did you live there?
For six months of my life.
Maybe that's when he remembers it.
Then my dad bought the house in Rancho Bernardo
where I ate the little rocks.
Oh, okay. But then did you guys move to Minnesota?
Yeah, at five, we went to Minnesota.
Whoa.
Here's the thing.
We owned fashion gal.
And one day, I swear to God, my dad said this.
Who?
You go, who?
Who put a hole in your mannequin?
I put a hole in a broken mannequin's
vagina part.
Oh my gosh.
But then I'm like, it hurts so bad because it's like plastic.
It hurts so bad because you
put a...
No, because I tried to put my dick in it.
Oh, yeah, okay.
But like, it's not soft. It's like plastic.
Like broken shards.
So after I put the hole in it, I was like,
yeah, it's not going to work.
I thought about maybe going to, like,
getting meat.
I was a baby to cradle to put a hole in it.
No, this was later in life.
I did this as a kid. I did this at like...
I think it was methed out. I was like 15 or something.
Oh, okay, that's fine.
It was like three.
Like, I was thinking I'm going to get some meat.
You know what I mean? But then how do I heat it
and then stick it in the mannequin?
I mean, it was like a whole thing.
15?
Sad. I wonder what I would do for my son.
Like, if we had a son and he was just,
you know, he was 15 and you're like,
we're like, babe, he's not a cute kid
and it's going to be a while before he gets laid.
I wonder what we would offer him.
It has nothing to do with cute. I was cute as fuck.
I mean, not...
The thing is this is that
in the 80s,
right, I'm sorry,
but being Asian
wasn't sexy.
In the 80s. Now, these young kids,
they come to my show.
I see like fancy Asian dudes,
right, with like slick hair.
Undercuts. Yeah, and undercuts with like
hot white chicks.
And I'm like, I did the groundwork.
Where's my respect?
Residuals. You know, I'm the one that,
me and my kind
paved the fucking road
for you.
Okay, where's my fucking ding dong?
I would still ask you though, what if our kids...
I don't know why I just said that.
Tangent?
See, that's why I said I'm just throwing it out.
No editing.
New concepts and new words.
What if our kid was
ugly
even by our standards and we hardly think anyone's ugly?
My brother and I will take him to Adelida.
At 15?
No.
I would never allow you to take my son to a fucking
hooker.
Yes, you would. What if he gets...
He contracts like something.
Well, first of all, number one.
I trust them, don't I?
Here's the thing.
We'll get our own condoms.
I'll figure it out.
But also, couldn't we just say, sweetie, you're still 15.
Like, many guys don't get laid.
Well, maybe I'll just go, hey, here's my ol' J account.
Also, I'm pretty sure
you're a child.
You guys even have a child with a personality, I would
assume.
Like outgoing extrovert joker.
I don't know about extrovert.
Our kid is going to be like...
Our kid's going to be confident.
That's what I'm saying. Number one.
Because the reason why
I was the way I was
is because my parents
were... It's not even...
My dad
didn't even know
who the... If you go, who's Tom Hanks?
Right?
He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything.
He's never seen a movie in his life.
He's an immigrant. He doesn't know.
He just wants to work. Right?
So, he barely
speaks English. He's not cool.
He doesn't know anything about pop culture or anything.
My mom doesn't either.
And then they also speak Korean at home. They're very
traditional. You mean the
dead squids hanging from
the fucking... In the kitchen.
I barely did that too. The dried squid.
My friends would walk into my house and they're like,
what is that smell?
That's what I live in.
You know what I mean? Like an Okinawa fish market.
And
you know, it's like all those little things.
You know, it makes you
kind of go, oh, I'm weird. I'm different.
You know what I mean? All that stuff.
It's only later in life where I can buy my own clothes.
Right?
Put my own cologne on and
style where I was able to do it.
But like, our kid is going to have
that. Our kid's going to be like, oh my god,
I know Gilbert. What's your last name?
Galan. Galan. He's a TV
star by then. Yeah. You'll be a TV star
by then. And then my kids go, oh,
Gilbert Galan's my uncle. God, I hope they don't
become entitled. Oh, they are. They're going to be
they're going to be... Do you want them to be?
No. No, not under my watch.
Yeah, yeah. They're going to be humble, kind
human beings. Or do you guys live two separate lives
where you live in like a small house
like in the Burbs, pretend you guys are poor.
You don't show any footage that it's Bobby Lee
from Matt TV that you guys have any celebrity.
So they don't know that dad, you know.
But on the weekends, you guys are like, okay, we're going
to go, we have to work far away out of town.
You guys live your normal lives. It's just your kid
is raised, I guess.
No. Normal. No. Double life.
No, no, no. I think that he's not like
no, no, no, no. You know, so big
that we wouldn't be able to have a normal life.
My two years going to be rocked at, I'm from Okinawa.
I mean, I'm going to fade those
suckers real good. You know, that's like
one of the biggest reasons people
start to resent each other. It's like conflicting
parenting. So I hope
to God that you just... It's going to be a nightmare.
Yeah, I feel it already.
It's going to be a nightmare. I feel like it might
actually be a nightmare. A fight every day.
I don't know. Because I am for sure going to be
bad cop. I'm going to be disciplinarian.
Oh, I'm going to be the best cop. And he's going to be
like a spoiler of spoils. I'm not going to be a cop.
I'm going to be his buddy. Accomplice.
Yeah, you're going to be a complice for sure.
You want to go? Let's do it.
Yeah, yeah. It's like a school day.
You want to go to Disneyland?
Yeah. I'll get the hotel, the nice hotel.
Right? We'll do bunk beds.
It'll be fun. We'll just stay there for a week.
I could be like, oh my God.
He's going to come back with no teeth because
all the candy.
Do you ever make your child get a job like you had
a job? No.
My kids aren't going to work.
Oh my God.
Okay, so this is why
two babies have been killed.
It's because these, I have trepidations
about raising a child with you.
Yeah.
You have to like raise decent humans, Bobby,
not entitle little brats.
My kids are going to be like Steve.
Oh my God.
Fucked out breath.
My brother, yeah, my kids are going to be like,
What's a job?
Get out of here.
It's 100 bucks.
I mean, it is what it is.
Listen, can I just say this?
I know you're on the fence.
I don't think you're going to do that.
Stop. Stop for a second.
I know you're concerned.
But think about this.
My parents had the same concern
for my brother and I.
And they did everything they could.
They were disciplined galore.
We got beat if we got a B
in our report card.
We were grounded.
It was horrific.
But we ended up being
this anyway.
Yeah, but you guys aren't assholes.
You guys aren't entitled.
What I'm saying to you is that
our kids are going to be
cool. They're going to give
my brother. I swear to fucking God.
I know this is going to make me cry.
This is real.
I don't know why you're laughing.
I don't know why Gilbert is trying
to be serious.
I'm being real. This actually happened.
I used to work on
the comedy stories on Pearl Street
in La Jolla.
There was another street over that I lived on.
I remember I had a waiting
job and my brother was visiting me from college.
He used to sleep on this couch
and I had
my brother's 10 bucks
to go get a burrito.
There's a taco stamp
and he
three hours later
he
was like, I'm hungry.
I just gave him $10.
He goes, dude, I went
and bought a burrito. I was walking back with it
and this homeless guy.
My brother gave this homeless guy his burrito
and didn't eat.
And I literally
was like, oh my God.
That's my brother.
So what I point is is that
this is a pro for my
not the show I'm starring in.
The argument you made doesn't make sense though.
I think that you're not giving
credit to your mother. Your mother actually did
her best and she did it right.
So how you guys turned out has a lot to do
with how your mom did it right.
I don't think that you should just give yourself credit for just
being who you are. Now your parents did that.
And I know it was tumultuous and I know it was violent
at times. No, it wasn't violent at times.
It's like the things that your mom did to you,
right, was what my dad did
to me.
So it's like it was dark
and there were no fond memories of
especially my dad.
I don't have any fond memories of him.
It's only a horror and
being scared and running from him.
I get that.
So you're just born
and you just do.
Even if I was raised
in like
Bill Gates was my dad and I was who I am.
Like if I was adopted by Bill Gates.
I would be right now in Seattle
doing stand up.
Like there's just, I was just born
to be who I am.
So you don't think the environment or parenting
or your surroundings have an effect at all?
I think if Charlie, Jeffrey Dahmer was my dad.
I would know
Kiklinski, remember that guy Kiklinski?
Iceman. The Iceman. Ted.
Richard Kiklinski.
His dad used to like
just like when it's hate
like pure hate when you're like
you know putting extinguishing like
cigarettes on your kids body.
Right. You don't feed them.
Right. And they become kind of
feral. Right.
Then I think something bad could have
happened to me. But my mom
you know gave me love.
You know she did.
And my dad,
as a kid I even understood my dad worked
really hard so he could feed us.
Right. So it's not like
it is also he's
from a different land.
You know all that stuff.
So you kind of know that as an immigrant kids
who are like I'm going to let it pass.
And in retrospect
I love the way I was raised. I mean with the
foods and you know
I go to Korean food every day now.
I even went to fucking
what's it called last night? Hotary.
I don't know what that is. It's a 24 hour
denny's kind of a Korean place.
But my point is that
so you know as long as
you're not torturing your kids in a violent way
you know I think that
give them some semblance of
love and a how.
And also I got everything I needed.
When I was 16 my parents got me a
fucking car.
Oh my god really? Yeah.
And here's another thing. I went to rehab. I went to the
McDonald's center.
Not McDonald's, Ocean View Recovery Center.
I went to a couple of rehabs. The first rehab
I went and all the people from my rehab
were like let's go to Hawaii.
So I remember paying for a ticket.
What?
They bought me a ticket to go to Hawaii.
So I went to Hawaii with these guys.
In sobriety.
And that was a junior, a sophomore
junior in high school.
So it's like my parents
did all the things that
for school
my brother and I would go to
my parents would take me to the mall
like a week before school.
And we got like nine new outfits.
So my mom did that kind of stuff.
So it's like I wasn't
I was raised good.
But violent. But still who cares.
But you got everything you never
you got everything that you needed. All your needs
were met in terms of and your parents had money.
Yeah my dad worked his ass off
and we had money.
But I did
struggle with drugs and alcohol and all this stuff.
But at the end of the day
I'm glad the way I turned out.
And my kids are going to be the same way.
My kids are going to be like
I'm just going to need it on paper
that you're not going to do serious things.
I'm not signing anything on paper.
Well then you're not getting a baby out of my vagina.
Well you know what I bet you I do.
It's a challenge. I bet you you don't.
I bet you I do.
And now everyone listening right now.
Place your bets on Tigerboy.com
Find out in 20 years.
This is a weird thing.
But listen
everyone listening right now.
Listen
memorize.
Because at the end of the day Papa is going to win this battle.
Nae Nae.
Look at her.
All right. Smell it.
You know my brother and I too
the other day
you know it's like
at the end of the day
he's probably
my brother
is probably my only friend.
No you're my friend too.
You're my partner you know but
and you guys are friends.
Yeah but
but there is a
there is a sense
and I'm trying to change this about myself.
There is a boss employee
vibe a little bit too.
The way I think I did that
I think I do that as a defense mechanism
with you two George and Gilbert
I don't memorize your last name.
Call me Gabriel sometimes.
Yeah and then when you walk in the house
I don't even respond to you like you're a ghost
you know what I mean.
But like I do that purposely
it's a defense mechanism
to keep people away.
And I apologize for that.
But at the end of the day I love you.
But with my brother
he's my only real true friend.
I can truly
laugh
like a little boy
with my brother.
The other day him and I had the best time
just fucking laughing
you know.
And I don't know
my hat's off to him.
Shout out to Steve.
But you know right now I'm in a
I'll be honest with you
I'm in a
I'm almost 50.
Yeah three more years
wait hold on that's a while.
But still 50's around the corner.
It is.
What does one do?
I mean think about the 50.
Think about it.
That's like almost dead.
Not quite. Not really.
Yeah but that's like
it's not when I was 12
it's closer now.
Average life expectancy now is like closer to 80.
So you're okay.
Right but the last 15 years of that is like
you're in Florida. No.
You're in a room full of other people that are your age.
Yeah let's play.
Badminton. What do they do?
Probably that. Badminton.
That's physical right?
No let's play a bingo.
You do? Yahtzee.
You and I would probably be like chikachah.
Chikachah yeah for sure.
But you know what makes me feel
more excited about it is I look
at older comedians
like Eddie Pepitone.
Pepitone
How old is he?
60's. No he's not he's 58.
Really?
Okay then forget the Eddie Pepitone.
You guys he told us how old he was.
I think he's lying. Kevin Nieland.
He's in the 60's.
Mid 60's. Is he?
He looks really good.
But I look at Kevin Nieland and I'm like
and sometimes when I talk to Kevin
he can't hear that well.
Say that again.
He has that old man vibe about him
but when I look at him and I just see his
I don't see an old man.
You know when I ran into
you know when you see like those
jet generation of Dana Carvey
That's what my dad looked like.
My dad even well into his 70's
he had just a very
commanding young man vibe
about him. He always had his hair done.
He always wore
cool coats and you know
Porsche sunglasses.
He looked like a
an assassin.
I'm gonna look like Pol Pot.
You were like army fatigues
and like those shades
and I'm gonna look like
I'm gonna shave my head bald
and I'm gonna look like
what Marlon Brando looked like
in Apocalypse Now but Asian.
Wow.
Just like the horror
the horror
like that guy.
People are like wow that guy's cool.
But you know what
it's only when
when it's dying time
you know there always like a week
or two weeks sometimes it's a year.
Dying time?
Where you look more decrepit.
You know you're gonna die.
You know like when David Bowie
he was walking around but there was like a two week before he died
where he was in the hospital.
That's dying time.
I'm not trying to make a joke of it
I'm just saying it probably is
a week, a couple of days
a month sometimes a little longer.
It's a time frame where you know
you're falling apart.
That's when
you know you have your family
and your friends close.
Why are we talking about this?
Thanksgiving baby.
We should talk about Thanksgiving.
Alright but I'm not done talking about dying time.
We're at dying time right now.
I want people to feel
and also can I just say that
this is what makes me hope is the next
by the time I'm 80
is the time.
That was pretty ages.
By the time.
Baby stop.
By the time I'm 80
your child's gonna have so much fun.
Check this out.
It's the medical field.
The technology.
Technology.
I think there'll be new shit.
Replicant.
I think we're in that.
They just did a head transplant.
Can you explain that?
They transplanted a head on a different body.
It's basically like get out.
What?
The whole head?
Square.
Better not be fucking Danish.
They did a complete head transplant.
They just put a head on a different body.
Let me ask you this.
This is fucking great news guys.
Bobby what body do you want?
This is great news.
I'm typing this.
I would find
a 15 year old boy.
Right?
They have to be Asian because I have an Asian face.
Make it be funny.
Do it for the bit.
Have a yellow face and a black body.
But you know what?
Through time I feel like I'll be able to figure it out.
Like I have a tanning thing
just for my head.
If I had a black body.
That's not considered black face.
If you have a black body
and a yellow face
and then you
try to tan your face
I don't think that's racism.
It's your body now.
Trying to match.
Oh my god this is great news.
I have a big dick finally.
Oh my god.
The alleged surgery
was done by a Chinese surgeon.
But every article around
where he said
he had the transplant, everyone said it's not possible.
So there's no evidence.
But he's claiming.
If you think about how the spinal cord
attaches to your brain.
They're going to figure that out.
Beyond that you have to get every
single blood vessel correct.
Every single one that attaches
this part of your body
to your head.
He said he's claiming that he has done it
and he will show the procedure.
But what's the result?
Is it a talking human or Frankenstein?
Where it's like the person is barely alive.
Oh it's two corpses.
He did it with two corpses.
So we have two Frankensteins.
But they're dead.
They're dead.
But it's going to work.
Let's invest in this.
Or what about this, what about a brain?
Do you think they'll do the brain?
Take somebody else's body.
Bobby's brain into someone else's body.
You see your body.
Oh god, I have no idea.
I mean the implications.
I mean, would you do it?
Oh yeah. Let's write this movie.
Would you do it? Oh yeah.
I would do it. Get out was about that.
I'd wait till towards the end just in case
they messed up, but yeah.
Yeah, I wouldn't be the first guy.
I wouldn't be the first guy.
I'd be like the 300th guy.
You got to get it early.
Because you got to take some risk on this.
If you don't get it early,
and then everyone starts,
it's going to be so expensive.
But if there's a little risk of like,
we kind of, there's been some mishaps.
Like you'll take 90%?
Yeah, I'll get into that like group of people.
Have you seen like boob jobs from the 80s?
They're like literal rocks on the women's chest.
Because they got it early.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, well maybe.
They're really, really sad looking.
So no.
I mean, hope.
I mean, how cool would that be?
What's your ideal body?
Like in terms of celebrity.
Imagine, dude, imagine being what it's like.
I wouldn't want to know what's like to be white.
I'm so confused.
But your head, I got this idea.
What if they fucking,
like they harvest a body?
Specifically.
So they take my DNA.
To clone, essentially.
So they make a clone of me.
And then they just put my brain into my body.
So that everything works.
Everyone, you know.
But just like a 23.
I think you would be really.
I feel like fuck, man.
You would be really, really confused.
And there would be a lot of implications
because you have a certain awareness.
Your brain is like now hardwired
to already has experiences,
already has memories, right?
And it's memory of yourself is of you as an Asian man.
So you put that in a white body.
You will have a lot of like anxiety
and a lot of freakouts, I think.
Ooh.
Yeah, it's looking in the mirror and you see somebody else.
I would, God, imagine.
I would feel claustrophobic.
I thought of it makes me feel claustrophobic now.
I imagine they're like the only one we have right now,
and I'm about to die, is George.
I'd be like, oh, fuck.
So they put your brain into your body.
I'd be like, yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to die.
I'd want to die.
I'll take the death.
I want to see your head
transplanted on like Shaq's body.
How about this?
I would love that.
Sweetie, let me ask you this.
Finally, his head proportions.
The body proportions are correct.
What if, like, I get an accident
and then they go,
we have a clone of George.
They put my brain in George. Would you still date me?
No.
Everything is mine.
I'm sorry, but I think that a lot of like...
Fuck you, George. That was a big fuck you to you.
Now he lost his girl.
Not because George is not attractive,
but our coats don't match.
A lot of the reason why I'm attracted to you
is I like the way your skin smells.
I like the way, like,
everything about your chemical makeup
of your actual vessel of a body
is what I'm attracted to.
You don't like my insides.
I do like your brain,
but what I'm saying with George is like,
no one's ever said that about me.
I like the fucking package.
I like the way you smell.
You know what's crazy?
I genuinely love the way his skin smells,
like his raw skin with no chemicals on it.
It's my favorite.
But I've also been with people
who initially I found to be attractive,
but when I've gotten naked with them
where I just don't like the way they smell.
Yeah, and it's not that they have BO,
because sometimes I like the right kind of BO.
I like his BO.
Our codes just don't match
in a certain way. I'm like, oh, I don't know
why that smell bothers me.
What if they could put your brain in, like, a wolf?
You want to be an animal?
Now I'm thinking even.
Now I would do that.
What animal would you choose?
Put my brain in either...
Oh, no, but see, yes.
No, octopus is not apex, though.
I would put my body in an apex predator,
like probably like a shark or like an orca.
Yeah, killer whale.
I'd be in the ocean for sure. Of course she was.
Of course.
We could only visit you at SeaWorld.
Yeah, I'm Tilakum.
You're doing a little show. I'm Tilakoon.
Tilakoon. Yeah.
And then you spray like water on me and like, that was for me.
Yeah. She knows me. I look maybe.
That's my girl, yeah.
Squirts.
And then I had to go deep water swimming
to fuck you. Yeah.
Yeah, no mammals for sure.
Are you a wolf? So you choose wolf.
That's a pretty good animal though.
You can wolf swim.
They might like...
But that makes sense with your personality
because you want to be the leader of a pack.
It's the whole relationship that you were talking about.
Boss and floor. We all have to become wolves.
He misses all wolves.
Yeah, we're all wolves.
George, I don't know what...
What animal, if they could put your brain in an animal, what animal?
I think bald eagle because you're protected so you can go anywhere.
Your brain is so much bigger than that.
It would be weird to have
this bald eagle and this gigantic head.
I see for you like a roly-poly.
No, it's got to be a fucking animal
that you can put your brain that doesn't look weird.
Yeah.
Okay, let's go bear.
Bear is pretty cool.
Now, let me ask you this. If you have the brain,
do they have vocal cords?
Like a wolf.
Wait, hold on. A brain itself doesn't have vocal cords.
My brain, right?
So I know how to speak.
Science word!
Science word?
You discovered my body.
You can't do the same sounds,
but there's that dog that's famous online
that goes like woo-woo-woo.
They're like, he says I love you.
Right.
If I was a wolf
and I wasn't going to say hello,
I wouldn't have the right tools to say it.
I think you could.
But keep in mind, now you have a human brain.
Yeah, exactly.
But your vocal cords are not going to
be able to...
You know what I mean?
What's the word with an A?
I know you had mistakes.
No, it's not going to be able to...
Okay, forget it.
You're talking like chimpanzees can't do that.
They can't make the correct sounds
for all the words we have.
Right, right, okay.
So it's close.
Accomodate!
It's not going to be able to accommodate
your vocal cords of a wolf will not
accommodate your brain capabilities of a human.
I don't want to be a wolf then.
You know?
That was the A word.
I would be going to be a pitbull
and then being a pitbull
and then you purposely go to a pound
and you're only cute to hot chicks
and then they'll pick you up
but you don't say that you're a man.
That would be cool too.
That's dumb.
You're dumb.
Wow, we've learned so much today.
This is a very science-filled...
This is a Thanksgiving episode
so we should probably talk about Thanksgiving.
I agree.
You both hate it, don't you?
Switch up the foods!
First of all...
First of all, what's your favorite?
Out of all the Thanksgiving foods
what is your favorite?
Stuffing or dressing.
Stuffing is mine.
Pumpkin pie.
Pumpkin pie.
Fresh whipped cream.
Fresh pumpkins.
Kalala?
I hate Thanksgiving.
I have ill feelings and I don't know
we have time in this episode to explain.
Because I think that finally
as an adult this year
this is the first year where I've been able to say it out loud
in the past I've always pretended
to have some emotional connection to it
and I'm like it's Thanksgiving
let's all get together but the truth is
I hate this holiday.
What's the reason?
For starters it's based on a fucking lie
but that's besides...
That's a lie.
What you're saying is a lie.
It's a lie alert.
First of all, the American Indians
have had a good...
All day.
I'm gonna try to fuck it.
You sure you want to try?
Can I try?
To put yourself in a hole and try to get out?
No.
The blanket to the smallpox is a myth.
Nope.
I think that's all true.
That's real.
That's history.
Anyway, yeah, you're right.
It's the same reason why
you don't have any fond memories of Christmas
or it doesn't give you the warm fuzzies.
Thanksgiving
I didn't grow up with it
and all my memories of it have always been
for three years in a row
my dad was really sick
and the last one I spent with him
they were worried that he would aspirate
he was already in the hospital
so I brought him a lot of like
pureed spinach and I pureed all the foods
and
that was the last Thanksgiving I spent with him
and
every year there's always like this like
I think it's because
It reminds you of it.
Yeah, and I always feel like there's this like
need to get together
or else like you
for some reason you're a shitty person
and I don't know what I'm talking about.
I hate Thanksgiving because the Laugh Factory has this
Thanksgiving for the homeless
I like the homeless but
but then you have to like work there.
I'd rather do that. See that?
No, but you're like they like don't want to help them.
So the homeless bring the plate
but then you're next to like Paul Rodriguez
or like Louis Anderson right
and you're like scooping out like thing, you know what I mean?
And you don't really know how to say it
and he was just boring.
It's a whole bunch of comic
Do you guys even ever make jokes or is it just like
comics maybe?
They mix in with the open micers too so then you have to
talk to them. Well that's what you don't like.
There it is. That's what I should do
every year instead of
fucking bitch and mope about how I hate Thanksgiving
is I should just do that
and go to like, you know, a soup kitchen or something
No, you'll like this one. I'm gonna feed you.
No, I like the eating part. Don't get me wrong.
That's all I care about.
Yeah, but I can fucking eat every day. I can also be a glutton
every day. I am a glutton every day.
But you can do it one day. Will you try to do that thing?
You know, with me and my cousin, do we try to eat really fast?
We have heartburn. It's so fun.
I feel like I do that. That's a game.
We used to eat rice so fast in Turkey
where our hearts start turning and we both lie down
and have a hard time breathing and then we find out that's bad.
Yeah, that sounds awful.
I've been watching this show
and I want everyone to weigh in
but it's a, I actually started
season four and I worked my way back
but I watched all four seasons
in a span of two days and it's an A&E
show called Married at First Sight.
Apparently it's been around for like
four years and I've just been made aware.
But...
I mean, listen, just the premise alone
is weird.
It's like these people that can't find dates?
No, no, no, it's not that they've been in relationships
but they're leaving it
in the hands of sociologists
and relationship experts
and therapists to match them
with a partner.
And so they don't see the person beforehand
and the first time they see the person
is at the aisle, at the wedding
and they have to say, I do
and they have to commit, the next day
they go to a honeymoon and then they commit
to living together and for six weeks
they live a husband and wife.
I don't know who this is.
Hello.
Yeah, who is this?
JT.
What's up, JT?
Tell him he's on the podcast.
Yeah.
Hey, you're on my podcast. What's up?
Oh, okay. Never mind.
I'll call you back.
No, no, no, no. Just talk. What's up?
No, I was just trying to
talk to you about
whether you'd be available or interested to
do a gig in February,
you know, a couple of days in Korea.
Oh yeah, that's you. That's you.
That's who you are.
I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, I fucking
I called you, I left a message.
I know, I know.
Can we just talk? You're on my podcast.
Let's just talk about it on the podcast.
No, no, no, I'll give you a call.
Why, you don't like to be talking
on the podcast?
No, no, just listen for a second. Listen.
Listen, Korea. Just tell me
what it is. We don't have to get into detail,
but just tell me what it is.
No, no, yeah, I'll call you.
Why are you panicking? Why are you panicking?
I only have 20 listeners.
Just hear me out for a second. Love you, JT.
JT, just listen. No, no, no, JT.
Just real quick. Don't hang up yet.
Don't hang up yet. JT, don't hang up yet.
Okay. Okay.
So, just breathe.
You're not on my podcast.
You're so lying.
No, no, no. You're not on my podcast.
So tell me what it is, bud.
This is the only time I can talk because
the thing is, is that I work on NCIS
this week. I can't talk this week.
This is the only time I can talk.
What's up?
You're so lying.
No, I'm not. Go ahead. What's up?
You're on your podcast, aren't you?
No. What's up?
Yeah, you are.
I'll talk to you later.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
Oh, you hung up on me.
Who is that? I don't know who he is.
Are you going to be a correspondent
in Pyeongchang for the Winter Olympics?
Yeah, they want me to do the Winter Olympics
and do a correspondence work.
Please do that. And do what?
Just be in Korea.
I'll only do it if I can fly Kalala out.
Yeah.
I feel like we should all go.
Just fly us all out. We all got to be there to do the podcast.
You'll do it? Yeah.
Also, because when you're working,
I want to be able to hang out with
people other than myself.
Then I'll have Gilb and George with me.
That'd be cool. I'll work that out.
Wow, of course.
You want to go to Korea? Yeah.
Let's go. And I think it's only two hours
from Seoul.
Pyeongchang? I don't have to say it.
Pyeongchang? Is that a North Korea?
It's like a restaurant.
Yes, Bobby. The Winter Olympics are in North Korea.
These vapes, man.
But it's supposed to be a perfect...
It's supposed to be a perfect altitude
for vitality.
Oh, what is it?
It's 700 feet,
which is supposed to be
the perfect level at which people
are optimal survival.
Optimal breathing, optimal everything.
I want to go to North Korea.
Did just the DMZ line
or inside and inside? I want to go to North Korea.
I would never let you.
It's beautiful there.
They would treat them well.
I've seen documentaries where Australians go,
obviously, that ski resort.
See, you're just doing that so I could capture you fucking asshole.
No, I've seen it.
He would come home, he would try to steal a little bit of propaganda,
take it with him, and then he would be like that kid Otto.
Otto Warmbeer.
Yeah, yeah. That kid who died, poor thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not doing that.
Anyway, I think that'd be great.
I think they'd be wonderful.
Pyeongchang.
We'll do it.
Oh, hell...
Oh, hell, who was?
Well, Bob and Colado.
Yum, yum, little turkeys.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
No Thanksgiving edition for everyone.
I know you guys love that.
Shouldn't have been so fucking negative about Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving, guys.
It's not a real holiday.
It's a fast holiday.
It's just eating with your best friends and family.
It's the best holiday out there.
Yeah, why am I so salty about it, right?
Because of the memories, but you gotta make new memories.
I always think of pureed spinach and my sick dad.
You gotta change it to something else.
Taking that up the menu.
Never mind.
I'm excited to hear your family Thanksgiving, Gilbert,
and I'm dragging Bobby with me, and he's coming.
You gotta go to George's after for the after party.
George is doing a duel.
Oh, you are?
I didn't know. I wasn't invited.
Go! As you said, you already had plans.
Gilbert invited everybody before me.
This isn't an unhelpful advice.
Just a question someone wanted to ask.
Hello, Tiger Bellia. Hope you are well.
Bobby once said he always has a warm place
for Asians in his heart.
Does it include Central Asians such as Uzbekistan
and Kazakhstan?
We Central Asians are Asians too.
Thoughts?
I think Kazakhs are the coolest looking people.
They are.
They have that Asian...
Eurasian kind of look.
I think they're very attractive.
First of all, what's his name?
This person.
I don't think it left a name.
Okay.
What I want to say to him is all is welcome.
There are some Asians
in Asia
that I'd rather even replace you with.
I don't know.
But you are in it too.
Okay.
That's all I have to say about that.
Shout out to Uzbekistan
and Kazakhstan. What are they known for?
They have a really, really pretty...
Borat?
That's what I was going to say. Borat is all I know.
I bet you they have a good soccer team.
Oh, probably, yeah.
I bet you they're really good at wrestling.
That makes sense.
All Eastern European things.
And probably at Sambo.
Sambo wrestling.
They're good at MMA fighters.
That's a good way to end it.
Do you guys want one more?
I want to go eat.
Hey, everyone.
Lately, I've been into serial killer documentaries.
Yeah, me too. Me too.
And sword and scale and things like that.
And sometimes I'll fall asleep while it's playing.
And I'm worried that murderous thoughts
will creep into my subconscious.
I don't have any history of mental illness or anything.
Because your fascination about it
is because the fact that you're a good person
and you cannot believe
that people can behave like that.
And that's the interest.
Because it's so far away from your usual self.
You can't even believe that people behave in that way.
It is.
I think that's probably why it's entertaining.
Because it is shocking.
We can't relate to any of that.
I've been watching
SNAP a lot.
And I just want to say this to people.
Okay?
If you're going to kill somebody
just listen to me
and you want to make it seem like
it's a suicide.
A stage suicide.
Don't shoot the gun three times.
Once.
Do it once.
Number two.
I saw this one where
this lady was like, yeah, my husband
you know, I was going to go to work
but I wanted to make him breakfast
so I put the breakfast on his night stand table.
Right?
And then I left and I came back
and he killed himself.
He shot the gun three times. Number one.
And number two, right?
And they were like, well, why is their brain
to eat the tray
of the breakfast?
So this bitch, this bitch, right?
Killed him.
Made breakfast. Then put it on top
of the fucking thing.
Yeah, think it through, man.
Three times. Yeah, think it through.
And one of the bullets was into the bed.
Like it was in an
angle where she shot the bed attic accident.
Where he could have done it.
Yeah, yeah. This lady.
Oh my God. When you watch shows like that
it's crazy. Not that I would ever kill anybody
but let me tell you something right now, dude.
If I were to kill somebody
I would think it through.
How would you kill me?
I would never kill you.
But how would you?
I don't want to go there.
Come on, tell me. Love is too deep.
You would be difficult because we have this podcast.
Because
My sister calls me every day.
She's always here.
She's got people. Yeah.
You would have to kill other people to kill you.
Like, oh, okay.
Like take down a plane.
You know what I mean?
I wouldn't be able to do it.
Killing you and to get away with it
would be almost impossible.
Although I might be able to try to figure out
a health thing with your heart.
Oh gosh, it's so deep.
You know that's what my doctor was saying.
He was like, are you sure Bobby doesn't?
Because you know all my heart stuff happens in my sleep.
I know how you would do it.
Wait, wait, wait, stop.
Wait, wait, wait.
Your doctor was implying
that I was trying to kill you.
Why would I do that? You know what I would do?
I would just say let's just break up.
No, not that you were trying to kill me.
What the fuck?
I would never fucking kill you.
Fuck your doctor.
You're trying to kill me, bitch.
You did gain
12 pounds by yourself.
You're killing yourself.
You're smoking.
That's true. That's why I'm not giving you shit about it.
I don't get any fucking love for that.
Oh, quiet. Shut up.
I give you so much support.
Three months, no smoking. I'm trying to do things
to make better myself.
I got a trophy made for you.
A literal trophy.
When do we present that?
It's been presented.
You said nothing and you got a trophy.
But apparently we don't show enough love and support.
The ultimate form of love.
You're doing so great. So proud of you.
You bastard.
So Bobby needs some tweets at him.
Please tweet him.
Your love and congratulations.
How would you kill me?
I already told you. A cassava plant.
She doesn't eat that stuff.
Or like a nightshade of sorts.
I feel like the way you would do it to her is she's like,
oh, she has to go to the hospital. She has to get surgery.
And as soon as she's going down with anesthetic,
you see the doctor pull his mask down
and it's Bobby.
Yeah, is there, I don't know.
I mean, I would have to find a Google,
but then that's Googling. But you know what?
I wouldn't Google, I wouldn't use.
You know what I mean?
You're good.
I would go to like a library in like Oxnard.
Oxnard?
No, to Google chemicals and things
that I could pretend that you had a heart thing.
Look, guys, it's really not that hard to kill me.
I know it's not that.
It's that me.
I don't want any traces back.
Okay, I have a prescription for beta blockers.
Make it so that I take so many beta blockers
that my heart stops. Boom.
What I would do is I would
go and look, go to Oxnard library.
Right.
I would like a disguise and I would Google things.
That's how I would be able to Google
like how to kill, you know, chemicals
and things that I would need to get.
Then I had to figure out how to get that delivered
to me so that no one discreetly.
Discreetly. I mean, there's all these things.
But when people
kill people in SNAPT,
they just don't do it the right way.
The body, they don't think it's through
and it drives me crazy.
This is really negative under Thanksgiving.
Tell us who you saw at the lot the other day.
Oh, fuck man.
Yo, so check this out, bro.
So I went outside
and I just kind of sat on this bench
and this old man walked by me
and I looked, he looked right at me
and he smiled and it was Steven Spielberg.
What?
Just wait, this is for real?
Yeah, for real, for real.
And I just, it was like weird.
I just kind of looked on the ground
and I ran back in.
I go, oh my god.
You can't believe what you smile at me.
Steven Spielberg and then the guy was like,
yeah, he produced my last movie.
Him and Zemeckis.
I was like, oh.
You didn't want to say anything?
What am I supposed to say?
I couldn't, nothing came up.
It's like when I ran into Tyrion Rhee
in the elevator, it was the same thing
where I just kind of get starstruck.
I get starstruck.
Shout out to the same Alma Mater,
me and Steven Spielberg,
Cal State Long Beach.
Shout out to Steven Spielberg.
Any shout outs?
No, we're good.
Anyway, that was a good podcast.
I liked it a lot.
Thanksgiving, everything.
Somehow somebody has to get us,
what's his name?
Yoshi.
Somebody has to, that listening right now
try to get Yoshi on my podcast.
Anybody who knows him?
Why don't you call him yourself?
You have his number.
I looked up Yoshi, I think I deleted it years ago.
No, come on. I'm sure Dave Cho will have it.
Just ask him.
Yoshi doesn't like him either.
I know, but he will have his number.
Anyway, anyone listening?
Thanks for listening to Tiger Belly. Bye.
Bye.
Make sure.
Any shows for Bobby Klylo?
We're not done? No, you're good.
We just got...
Yeah, wrap up really quick.
Any shows? Top of your head.
Yeah, Bobby will be in Vancouver
at Yuck Yuck's November 30th
through December 2nd.
And two weeks after that,
Levity Live in Oxnard, California.
You can go to bobbylealive.com
for more dates.
Any announcements, George?
Just help us out.
If you want some good food, go to blueapron.com
slash belly.
That's blueapron.com
slash belly.
You can stop adding color
to your ensemble.
Did you revert back to the full white?
No, I just didn't do laundry today
and was kind of pushed for time
and rushed over here.
Have you finally washed your jeans?
I didn't wash them since last week,
so I was...
The other ones are now khaki.
They look great, though.
They have personality.
For some reason, I'm okay with unwashed jeans
unless it's white.
Then it just looks like...
Well, I don't like one week
of unwashed on white.
Once it's past one week,
that is personality.
But you know what's really strange?
Actually, it's not strange at all.
I used to actually smell Bobby's jeans.
His raw, his fancy denim.
He doesn't want to admit it,
but he gets a rash on his legs.
What? Because of what?
He never washes them, right?
Because you're not supposed to wash them.
So just freeze them.
But they smell so just gross to me.
Does he freeze them?
I try that.
Even if you freeze it and freeze it,
it lasts for half a day.
And then it starts smelling again.
That's what they claim.
It smells like meat.
I always try to do it right,
whether they like my jeans.
Can you just put it in water?
Yeah, you can.
I think with wool light or something.
Yeah, it's not my favorite scent in the world.
Even when he puts it on
and the air,
when people move clothing around,
I can smell it when he puts it on
and I'm like, I'm not a fan.
Can I do a really quick shout out?
Yeah.
Shout out to anyone who was following
at Calamity K on her story.
Shout out to that leather romper.
It wasn't leather. What was it?
It was corduroy.
Corduroy romper.
It choked my vagina to death.
You could have got a looser one.
The size is bigger.
No, because that's what fits my waistline.
So everything fit perfectly
except for the fact that
I think my torso or my legs
so when I would raise my arms
it would just completely...
My vagina was like east coast, west coast.
It just split right in the middle
and it was so tight.
It was like having intercourse with corduroy.
Oh, God.
It was so painful and it was so cute
so I couldn't buy it.
Yeah, I saw that. I was like, what red carpet is she going to?
It was pretty cute. How small are my boobs look though?
That's better though, I think.
Because if you had big boobs...
I've seen girls that wear that.
I wouldn't say model like, I would say.
I wouldn't say model. I'll say model.
I'll say runway.
Are you still saying these things?
Oh, God, no. Sweat.
I don't want to model.
Guys...
Oh wait, I wanted you to shout out to
a girl named Grace, my phone just died.
Okay, we'll do the shout out.
Grace, you wrote us a really nice email last week
to Bobby and I and it made me tear up
so I just want to say that you are
appreciated and I very much
loved your email.
So thank you.
And I just wanted to do a quick shout out to this guy named
Hong who saw me at Guisados
and...
Oh, which Guisados?
Which one?
Burbank.
And then shout out to Joe
who saw me in Pasadena
and literally almost got us in an accident
because he stopped me in the middle of a crosswalk.
But shout out to those guys.
George, you look like you're thinking about something.
Do you recognize me this week?
Yeah, George, who?
No, I just mentioned it
because my sister is like, uh, gross.
I was like, I'm not doing it. I'm walking.
She's like, snapchatting.
She's like, uh, like, brother, gross.
That's pretty gross.
It is gross. I don't call it out though.
I'm embarrassed by it. But thank you, guys.
George has nothing.
George has so many.
You have so many.
Happy Thanksgiving, guys. I promise you
that you have much to be thankful for.
Dude, it's the best holiday.
It's scientifically proven.
When you eat more with friends,
that's what makes people happy.
It's not, okay,
not to sound even saltier.
It's just that I see my family.
I was trying to end on a happy note.
I try so hard.
Look at her face though.
You saying that on her face?
Because it's the first year I'm acknowledging
the feeling and I've been playing pretend
for so long.
You shouldn't play pretend.
But I will.
Guys, listen.
Eat your turkey, your mashed potatoes,
your stuffing, your pumpkin pie
and I'll be thinking about you
and I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner
with your family and if you don't have a family
and you eat alone, that's okay too
because I'll be there with you
in spirit and we can not enjoy
this holiday together.
Also, everyone send packages
to Kalyla of her face
and I love Thanksgiving.
Someone make a shirt with Kalyla's face
and says I love Thanksgiving.
Please follow us on Instagram
at tigerbelly on Twitter at thetigerbelly
email us any questions at thetigerbelly
at gmail.com. You can follow Kalyla
on all social media at
oh my god
bubblylove.com
Calamity K
Calamity K
Yeah, sorry.
Yeah, I have menstrual brain.
It's just really foggy.
It's brain fog.
And George Kimmel at
Instagram, George underscore Kimmel.
And that is our show guys. Thank you
Thank you
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