TigerBelly - Episode 144: Whitney Cummings & Life’s Bread
Episode Date: May 30, 2018Whitney commits to truth. Bobo makes a wish. We talk ambush dates, brain plasticity, stocking breads, and releasing shame.Support us by supporting our sponsors!Recorded: 05/28/18See Privacy P...olicy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Sweetie stop with that thumb, okay, show it me that thumb. Please show her the thumb. No, if it's still a thumb show her the thumb
Please look at this line. Let me see. I just chew it and it's like fucking everything's fucked up. That's all she's seen
That's all that's not a thumb
Five four three two one welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome
Welcome to the podcast
You guys I'm the captain your leader. I am your
Deity oh
That's a fancy one and welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly. God bless you. Take care
Enjoy memorials and Memorial Day
Both they're two different things
Memorial and Memorial Days are two different things and we have our band of outcasts here. We've got
The pinkish dick in fucking Hollywood George Camel
Just translucent and veiny. Mm-hmm. Just doing his thing. Mm-hmm. We've got his better-looking cousin over there, right?
Bryce, right? Like if I was gay boom first yum yum and then kill myself and then do you oh
Oh, yeah, yeah, I would be dead before I fuck fuck that guy. Oh, wow. I don't care how horny I am
Okay, you're ugly. All right, but you're a nice guy and that's why you're here. Mm-hmm. We've got
What's your name Gabriel Gabriel? We got Gilbert Gilbert. I remember Gilbert Gilbert. Yes. Hello galon
Mm-hmm, and then we've got my beautiful princess. Wow. I like you in here and
And she's from the southeast islands of Palo Palo. I love that place. Yeah, it's a beautiful island
And we've got a very special guest guys you guys um
You know, I you know
There's a lot of people that I I'm afraid of to ask to do my podcast because I'm afraid of the rejection
But I had to throw out, you know, I had to throw out a little line
Toward this woman because um, you know, I am friends with her, but she's also um very special to me
Um, her name is Whitney Cummings. Give her a round of applause everybody
Whitney Cummings is here. God bless you. Take care memorial. You could talk now Whitney. I didn't
I heard no complimentary intro. Yeah
Whitney had her own television program called Whitney on it and canceled it's just I know
Everybody stop putting that in my intro. It makes me relive the trauma over and over again
It's like did everyone hear that it got cancelled two years. I was on correct. Yeah, I was on for two. Yeah
Well, there you go. All right, but then that's not the only thing. You're right. What you created a show called
Two broke girls canceled. Yeah, but after five years six years six years had area. Yeah
Do you Google your guests before they come on? I just wing it. I wing it. Okay. I really wish you had told me that this was video
I'm wearing I look like I'm in a cult
I'm dressed in a KKK
Yeah, I just put on like a white t-shirt. It looks like a pillowcase
I look like an art teacher from Santa Fe. Are you trying today or no is this try? Yeah
My face I tried with my face, but not with your face looks great. That's very good. I said that in the elevator
Thank you. You did say that. Well, I just want to throw that out
The way you say compliments you say them like insults, so it takes it takes a second to understand what you're doing
You look great today, and you're like your delivery does not match the content
No, but I looked over like I don't really look at you Bobby
Bobby and I I've known how long have I known you
Never made I
Will look at her through my like Paris. That's it and I'll go that's I think that's Whitney and then I won't a lot
Traveled together. We've been in others. We've spent time together
Yeah, I see his like the top of his eyes over a Red Bull
From a Kalai La and I was on a date and it was not going where at the Grove
Well, is it the Grove?
Were you at the American? Yeah, that's why it wasn't going well. Yeah, and then we were at the picture you on a day
What's that that?
Save my you've been on them. Have you ever been on a date? They've never they've never felt like a day
They'd always felt like an ambush. Yeah, sort of. It feels like you know, it feels like you
Updated you bitch. I know, but we never it never felt romantic. It always felt. No, it feels like you're with a make-a-wish kid
Taking him for a walk
What don't attack me. Yeah, yeah, I was telling you a lovely story
So I'm with this goes not going well. We're at the bookstore. What's up? Barnes and Noble?
Whatever that is, right? Yeah, it was during Christmas. I remember the holidays
Yeah, and I just in the magazine section and then
Chris looks at and I see Chris and I don't really know. I've never really talked to him at that time before
Mm-hmm. And he goes hey
Merry Christmas, and he walks up to me gives me a hug and then points at the girl and says this guy's the shit
and he walks away and
Hooked it. So when people with that kind of power helps the little man out
Mm-hmm. It really it really just makes me feel a storybook stuff
Do you not think you're gonna get a blowjob without that? No compliment. No, no, no
Yeah, I needed it. And you know what? I don't know you did it. I think you would have got a blowjob no matter what
The guys need blowjobs like there's no other way for coming from out of your body
Like without it, what would happen if you didn't get a blowjob that day? It causes anger
Discomfort, okay, jerk off. But you know how jerking off coming right and getting a blowjob coming are two different ball games
Depends on what the blowjob isn't where who it's from. No get a doll
Get a doll
Do you any of the guys in the room defend me blowjobs are better than fucking jerking off psychologically feels better
It's an ego thing. Yeah, it's like I still got it. Oh
Feeling like attractive or something. Yeah wanted or whatever. Yeah, I like squirting it in their face
I
Would
Does she want to I don't think this is consensual whatever
She does it. This isn't it. Let's move on. Let's move on. Let's get back to my career. Are you okay? I'm fine
I would care I had to be very clear. I would care if I really oh, yeah, I would be fucking out of here
This equipment would be
Shrapnel puppy would be dead
I apologize. I would not be able to apologize. I have a I haven't we don't speak of anything before me role really. Yeah
Um, what about what about it bothers you? Is it like if he's forcing the stories on you?
Or if he what if you you're are you ever curious? I feel no
I feel very strongly that your boyfriend is not your girlfriend and that my I am as my boyfriend's girlfriend
I'm not your homie like don't ever talk to me like you talk to your homies and which is actually I
I struggle a lot with a lot of my friendships with comedians actually where I have to I have to go
You guys can't talk like this around me because it fucks me up and it makes me think that all men are monsters
Like all like in the hallway at the comedy store when guys start talking like I murdered that shit. I'm like nope. Yeah, I still I'm trying
I'm still gonna try to do this. I totally get what you're saying
I think that I had a massive collection of male friends prior to
My relationship with Bobby. Yeah that my assumption of men was just really bad
So I was very I was not trusting of him at all
So our first year together was sort of a disaster. Yeah, because well, I mean immediately
I injected into the relationship everything else that I had heard from all my male friends
Totally, you know always just the homie rule, you know, you just are the recipient of all these horrible stories
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's also it's like it's fine that you did all those things
And I just don't need to hear about them and in a way that you're degrading women and stuff
I I've talked with my girlfriend and degrading ways about guys that we sure but I'm not gonna say that around my guy
We're all participating in the facade that we're special to each other
Stay in that fantasy that magical thinking that there's a modicum of like sacred energy
Left in relationship good, but I also know myself and I'm obsessive and I'm an addict
So I'll I'll upset I'll think about it and I'll punish him for it. I think you're right though
I think also the problem with speaking so freely about all your sexual escapades in the past
So I'm like deludes that fantasy so much so that I think that we eventually have issues
Sexually where it feels like we're so desensitized to each other
So I can't outdo the three girls that blew him
You know what I mean? I can't blow quite that hard on his dick
Like he's had just an array of all that like I can't compete with that. Yeah, but he loves you
So you put everything but stories, right? I'll never when he tells these stories
It's always such in a grandiose fashion, but let me interesting, but let me ask you a question
I don't think that when is this what this podcast is
When you're blowing a guy he's going
I think it's our fabrication that they're comparing us stuff like they're not thinking about any girl
They've ever been with them while you're fucking them. Yeah, right? I mean, yeah, if you it lied to me
Yeah, like I don't think like I recently got into my guy about like some exes and stuff
And he's like I don't think about that like we think about their exes way more than they do
I think you know, but it's also like when you love say it'd be weird not to
Like if I wasn't jealous of your ex you should be worried. That means I don't feel anything
Right, right, right. I'm gonna enforce this new rule. Thank you. Hit me up any time
Oh, I have to be more aware of what I'm saying because he'll pull out boxes pictures. Look at this hooker
I don't think that
Let me ask you something. What do you want to get out of that exchange when you do that? I don't know
I mean it's good deep. I mean, I it's like let that with anybody is I'm always this
I just want a reaction regardless of what it is because I am
adrenaline, yeah, but
Right, like I want it because to me that's just like hey, I'm bored want to fight. Yeah, like that
That's what I'm like, I'm sorry, do you just want to get in a fight like I'm happy just give me a minute
Let me finish this like I'm but I think that you know
I know that animals do this and kids do this is we try to test our boundaries and when you try to test how far we
Can push people and maybe you're subconsciously like testing like how much you love me how much can I?
Scare you away and you're gonna still stay cuz there is like a self saboteur element to that
But you are right though
There are moments where I really strongly feel like I'm done being the cool girl
I'm done being this all all accepting no one gives you a check no one writes a check for that
You don't get a trophy. You don't get a car. You don't get a house. All you get is like like white knuckle resentment
Yeah, but I feel like because like the for instance his ex he always talks about being jealous and just being very inflexible
Have to have had an X
Yeah, you've never met my girlfriends before no, oh, yeah, no, I love the most. I don't yeah, I don't yeah
You're the first
Acknowledged
Okay, I like yeah, I try not to meet comics girl. Yeah, it's just like it's like fostering a puppy
You get attached and you have to give it back. Yeah, like you run into them a right aid and you're like, sorry, right?
I tried I thought
There was a thing when I bring like women on the road, right and I do talk about you know, I mean
Comics you mean like female. Yeah, just calm. I like to bring female comics on the road
Just because I want on the road. Yeah, you you have before and it's just a good, you know
Combination I think with my act a dynamic, right and but I still not I should have more of a
To realize what I'm saying even in front of female comics because they are women, right?
But I treat them like guys and I feel like because I have the power position that they have to just take, you know
Yeah, like I don't think it's tricky
But the kind of female that becomes a comic as one of them no offense to any of us, but like boundaries are not our like strong suit
You know like to do what we do, right?
Sit in a bar all night with a bunch of guys and wait to go on and to talk about our sex lives
I mean boundaries don't occur to us it right often or we grew up in a home without a ton of boundaries
But it's like I do think it would be hard for someone to go like hey, do you mind not?
Mm-hmm. Yeah saying that around me. I'm just really working on my paradigm of the world
Compromising I mean I did realize sort of like after a while the commies are I was kind of like all my guy friends
I wasn't hearing like it was like
Dove and
It was all our guy, you know
I'm mad and like it was all these guys and I was like at a very sort of um
Embryonic stage and my sort of development of like how I saw men and I was just like oh, I can never
Trust man because of the shit that I hear at the comedy structure in the morning
Yeah, but does it make you feel I'm gonna ask this question and maybe it's a rocky, but um
But the thing is I view you as I do
Dove and Chris, you know, I mean like in just in terms of like when you just respect in terms of respect and in terms of funny
in terms of being a legitimate like comedy entity and I
100% there's no difference between
If I see you or even like upper-christ world Tom's girl or whatever I might run into so pride in that like I take pride
Like I think there's a difference between like cool as long as you're being authentic with cool girl
I think it's okay as long as you're not hurting yourself
I think for me
It's just knowing when to dip out when guys start saying like I crushed that shit or like that girl is busted
I'm like, oh, like I just don't want to see no time
But those are things that I definitely don't take from him any time that he ever makes a comment or critiques another woman's
Physical appearance. That's always where I draw the line. Yeah, it's like look and it's also just it's your line
Yeah, I have lines that are I think a little tighter than even that like I'm just very like I don't want to hear it
It makes me feel unsafe
I'm really working on like changing
Sort of the way that I view relationships and men in general because I have a lot of like
Tapes that I have to rerecord and stories I have to rewrite from childhood
And it just sometimes feels like a setback for me, but some women may not be healing from that
Some people might have had dads that fucking nailed it. You know, I just didn't you know
So I'm like in like a rebuilding phase and so it's just like not super healthy for me
Wow, but I think it also is kind of healthy for people to say to you like hey
Like restraint of pen and tongue like yeah, cuz we overshare that's our thing
Yeah, and I think sometimes and I think that's what I'm doing in my relationship now
Like some things just aren't my business and maybe sharing that is just gonna cause more damage that it's gonna
And I I see a lot of my friends do this where they always try to play like it's I'm just trying to like express myself
I'm like girly. You need to just hit the brakes. Sometimes make a YouTube video too much
Yeah, you know, and yeah, sometimes you can beat a subject to death and sometimes you're not getting anything productive out of it
No, sometimes it's okay to just step back and say, hey, you know what like
There's no point in oversharing or talking about this so much like and it's also it's like, you know
I've this therapist I've been working on for a long time
And she specialized in like PTSD and trauma and stuff and there's things she won't let me talk about like I remember
I went through a really bad breakup and like every day
I just want to like talk about talk about it because I was like trying to like like sort of hit that equilibrium of
Adrenaline and dopamine and serotonin all the shit that in the self-righteousness of like he fucking did this and this and I
Just want to fucking talk about him and she's like, okay 28 days
No talking about him. Yeah, nobody because it's a way to victimize yourself and get attention and it's just like a bad
It's that muscle getting too strong. I think it's just kind of you're also reliving all those same hormones are at play
All that same adrenaline. It's it's it's still very present
And so sometimes you just need to desensitize from that whole experience and just kind of keep it away
And then when you'd be tells every time we tell a story we embellish it more and more based on exactly
So fucking two months later, you're telling the same story and it's not even true anymore. It's basically fiction
I'm like, oh my god shit. I don't know so much
Matrix over here, you know, yeah
I just my goal in life is just to not be full of shit in general and sometimes when you tell a story too much
It's like am I doing this turn and press this person am I trying to make them like me?
I think it's just figure out. What's your motive for telling this right? That's why I was just like
Why are you telling her about the prostitute like?
But it's fair it's like you have shame or because I think a big part of like what we do like as comics is like release shame
Yeah, so like when we tell someone hey, I fucked it like if you're okay with it
Then I don't have to feel that shame anymore. I have to carry it around. Maybe it's you just trying to release shame
What he's trying to do. I think I understand what he's trying to do and because I understand it
And I don't ever take it as if he's trying to incite some type of jealousy. He's never trying to do that
I think he just needs a place to dump his experiences and all of his life stories
Yeah, I'm just the person who's okay hearing that I never
Should become a performer where you get to do that
Yeah, is it weird to say that I don't think I have shame
Or just not aware of it. I don't know if I'm aware of it
I guess there's nothing really that I look back in my life where I can just
Intellectually say that I have shame about that. In fact, I think you're proud of a lot of you should have more
No, I'm joking. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know
I was just trying to figure out like the other day like when your knees or she's staying with us and I
I could tell but so I picked my nose. I
Pick my nose over there, right? She's in here. Yeah, and she's in here
Yeah, and I'm in there in the kitchen and I look at it and I just I don't know why but I stick it in my mouth
We all did. Yeah, I mean, you're just a fucking monkey and then she I looked up and she's in the living room looking at me
I can't I mean I can't yeah, and I was like this and I went hi
He goes um
And then she went back in the room and I sat there in the kitchen. I go
And I can't live the rest of my life knowing that that's in her head so you did feel shame. No, so I killed her
No, I didn't kill I just walked up to her and I said
Did you see me in a burger?
And she goes no
And then I thought oh I shouldn't have brought that up, but I don't know if I was shameful
I just wanted to let her know that I was okay
With her eating me I think that that I think is different that I think seems like I think comics
Especially like our brains are very like we need to be seen exactly how we don't like lies or misunderstandings
And you didn't know if she saw you and we don't do well in that gray area
Have to know where everybody stands all the time
Yeah, yeah, I think slightly that's like shame adjacent
That's more like the truth always needs to be on the table
There's got to be a show where you're doing this with comedians. Really? Yeah
Analyzing I mean, it's amazing
Really? Yeah, because I was gonna tell you something that you you out of all the people that I know and that this is real
Yeah, this is fucking real. There's a couple of incidences where I
Behave in a certain way, especially at a comedy club and no one will correct my behavior or call
But she has calls you out the one thing I'm gonna ask you a question
What is the one thing that used to bother you about me at the club?
When you and talk about how badly you're about to bomb. Yes
Or after I got off and I'd go I didn't do well and I did and one day she just looks at me goes
I'm done with that. What the fuck are you doing?
All right
I mean you obviously did well and then you're telling us and then beforehand you're saying all your nervous
But you're not what the fuck is that and then I was consciously now
Aware of that trait that I have and so I don't do it anymore. Is there such a thing as like performance dysmorphia?
Yes, there is well here's what I'll say about that
I felt like I watched it for so long and I had no judgment about it because we all have our things and we all have our
Crutches and we all have our like cuz you're also so funny and that and we also do we want everyone to like us
And if you're the funniest you have to be like, oh, that was awful
We have to make ourselves smaller to make other people comfortable and minimize ourselves
So the other comics are like the comics now at the store world like it's a little different than it was back
Then I feel like you know, it's like you were killing so hard and I think like coming off
You want to make sure everyone was okay, but I I just felt like you needed permission to stop
Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna say like that's not serving you
And oh, and it actually makes other people feel weird cuz like if you just ate shit then I really ate shit
You know what I mean? Yeah, you come off stage and you kill and you go. Oh, that was awful
It's like everyone's like well then it makes like other people feel yeah, it's yeah
It's oh god contaminates, but I stopped doing it because of you. So thank you
Well, no, I think it's you just needed someone to be like oh, I did and you were the one
That was it was like an old behavior that served you like ages ago when you were eating shit, but you are anymore
You know, that's why I'm kind of scared of her
No, I am there is a thing where I feel like and I'm gonna speak because this we're honest
We're being honest right now where I see at the club like that the other day when you texted me to do your show
This was it that I've
Reprehensible all right, so she texts me and she goes. Hey, do you want to do my show at Largo?
Uh-huh, and I never returned a phone call a text back. You did not text me back. Do you know why why because number one
I was just scared to
why
Understand that but I think there is like I'm gonna say this out loud Pat Oswald
Just direct messaged me on Twitter about doing a show at Largo, and I never responded to him either and
I think it's because I view certain people
So high in my head that I just can't even you know me and communicate communicate in that way
You know we drove to the Schaumburg improv together. I know that was a great way friend
That's different. I love you and we're friends. That's all I'm saying
I'm just saying that I don't know why like with Eric Griffin. I can I don't I respect him
I respect him yeah, yeah, I respect him but for some reason he's he's not built up in my head as
This thing because I don't know why there's certain guys people that I'm with where I'm like
Oh, I can just like you fart on this person
There's nothing there's no consequences
And then there's some people like Bill Burr, too. Yeah is another one where I have to say to myself just say hi
You know in my head just be cool. Yeah, what's up, dude? Do a pound pound. Yeah, and go. Oh cool
Anyway, um, bye. I keep with it all goes on your head. It does. It's exhausting Wow, and then some people it's I do it afterwards
I go in like a fucking fucking joke. Hi, and then I got in my car. I'm like, what did you just do?
That was fucking ridiculous. You didn't even say hi to that person. You're fucking like I don't do it in the moment
It's like I've aftermath later
There's a question. I wanted to ask you and what the question is this okay? What?
Do you feel
Like you made it in the business. No, no, and that's the craziest thing
I've ever heard all day today. He's gonna get angry because I'm gonna tell you this right now. What you fucking did
I was thinking about this the other day. I don't think about this a lot, but uh, it's tricky, man
It's like it might just be social media because it used to be like if you made it in any way
I was like, okay, but you see what everyone else is do everyone else is hustle now and the fucking the the measuring tools just changed
Mm-hmm just now so it was like oh you have shows you made shows you booked jobs. You're an actor, but how many followers do you have?
It's like no, no, that's new
Measuring by yeah, that's not talent base. I mean it's for some people the rocker whatever the fuck and um, but it's like
What do you mean? I don't have time to make videos every day. I'm doing the thing that that people cared about five years ago
Right, it's tricky. It's like the fucking the rules keep changing. So it's really hard. They're two different games. I
I'm talking about the game of actual show business. Yeah, that's a different thing
Yeah, maybe it is it the internet is a different thing
It's a different thing, but then all of a sudden it felt like the internet mattered more than anything
Right, but the internet is like everyone. Yeah. Yeah, that's the public. Yeah, right? And so when I see somebody
Gain the all their fame and money from the public
To me it's like yeah, but you didn't go into the arena with the actual gladiators
That's true. That's actually right. I mean, it's like test like listen you test your skills
Amongst the best people that are doing it and that's what I want to do
That's right
And look at George look at George because he's from the internet and he's turning red making these videos
Look at him. He's turning angry. Well, what's up, dude? You defend that you're from that world man
No, but here's what I'll say some people and it's like
Musicians that don't like Katie the the lead singer of Wilco. Is he dead?
Yeah, it's a
Like he's like oh fucking Katy Perry song is number one again
It's like, you know, there's there's a market for things that aren't the best and that's okay
What you're saying, you know, like so it's like sometimes you have to just acquiesce to that and just be like, you know
There's gonna be certain people that it's it's like it's like the velvet undergrounds first album, right?
The banana album that was something. Yeah, that's the first one right with Nico. It's sold when it came out 500 copies
Okay, so 500 copies and what like Jefferson airplane or these other bands were selling millions of copies, right?
But at the end of the day that album did more for music than any other album
It was so influential like people started bands based on that album R. E. M. U2 all these bands, right?
Yeah, so it's like, you know, I'm sure Lou Reed and John Kale and the people that are on the other underground like Maureen Tucker
The drummer worked at Walmart. I didn't know you knew so much about music for 20 years. Yeah
Yeah, so 20 years you look at a Walmart, right and she was in the most influential band of all of
Wow music, right? And it's like, I'm sure she walked around in Walmart going goddamn
I gotta stock these breads and I'm in the ground
But at the end of the day, it's like this bread
These breads at Walmart. Yeah, they stand bread there
Do they have breads there?
This is the way I talk
I'm worried you don't surround yourself with people that call you on your shit
I keep saying breads, do we say that?
You guys are just letting him talk
Whitney, Whitney, don't do that
No, wait, wait, whatever you say, I don't right now don't do that
Because if you do that, I can't talk
Here's what I was going to say, I learned this recently because I
Speaking of bread, literally segue, I used to say it's the best thing since life's bread
Life's bread, for ten years, at least ten years and finally a friend of mine was like, are you saying life's bread?
I was like, yes
And she's like, that's not it
And I was like, what?
I have so many of those because I grew up in the Philippines
Oh, well, so you're just, yeah
Things like, you know, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, it was he say, you'll go down in history
I thought it always said Yogel down in history and I thought Yogel was a reindeer song that he did
Yogel
And when someone heard me sing it out loud, they're like, what are you saying?
Or like in super occasion
I also, by the way, I also love that you were singing it out loud so much
Christmas is a big Filipino thing, we started in September
My mom thought, let it be, write the Beatles song, let it be
It was Medochi
And Medochi means anchovy
In Korean, it's like, why would the fucking Beatles write a song about anchovy and say in Korean?
I used to say, let's play it by year
Which actually makes sense because I do only hang out like once a year
Like to call me in a year and we'll hang out
But I wrote and I was like, yeah, let's play it by year
And a friend of mine, no joke, like a year and a half later
Was like, how are you? And I was like, good
And I was like, how have you been? I think it was Sertiana
I was like, well, you said let's hang out in a year
And I was like, no, I think that's an expression
She's like, no, it's not
It's important that we call each other out and our shit
But no, I think that to your point about the performance dysmorphia
Yes, there is
Like I actually have like a form of like misophonia where I don't hear laughs as loud as they are
Because when I'm on stage, I always
I have the same thing
I do think you have it
I always think I'm bombing
And then when I record myself, it's so loud
And I'm like, oh, I didn't hear any of that
I think though that's a good thing because it makes us good comics
Because we always
I've always said it's better to have that than the opposite of that
Where you think you're killing and you're bombing
I always think he's bombing over there
Do you want to stand up?
No
How many times have you done stand up?
Um, I hosted an open mic once a week for the last couple years
Cool
Yeah, yeah
He's terrible
Oh, oh, we have proof
How do you know?
Because I did Irvine improv
I did Irvine improv and I go
You want to open?
He goes, yeah, I want to open
We all were there
Yeah
He was bombing so bad on tape
And Irvine?
Yeah
Irvine's not easy
It's okay
It's it's
It's not Ontario
It's not called
I love Ontario
It's called the Dunning Kruger Effect
When you think you're actually doing better than you are
Oh, got it
It's the opposite of the dysmorphia
Well, I think I have in my career
I also have no idea how I'm perceived
Which is might be a good thing
So I have no idea how I'm perceived
And I think that when you're in our side
It's like people look at you and they're like
He's just on TV show after TV show
They don't know about the 300 rejections we get a year
Oh my god
We think about
A year and a week
That's not true
But so they don't
We get rejected constantly
Like from things that you
If you get rejected from something now
It's not you can't even do the job to begin with
Because you're already in first position on something
So it's like, you know
So I think we have an amplified idea of our failures
And everybody has an amplified idea of our successes
It's so funny because it's like
When there was a time
When you, you know, Whitney
You know, you had your own show
And then, you know
Everyone at the store was on a show
And I had nothing
And I was looking around going
Oh, I want to feel like they're feeling
Like I always feel like they're
Living in this life, right
That's unobtainable right now
Which is so funny because then when
Comics get on shows
They're like, I just want to be doing stand-up
Yeah, and then now that I'm on a show
I feel like it doesn't
I haven't changed
It doesn't feel different
So I guess that's a, you know
A message to people that nothing fixes you
And no matter what you want in life
Well then it's just you want more and more and more
Exactly, yeah
So it's like Kate Blanchett loses jobs to
You know, back in Sandra Bullock
You know, and she's like, oh I didn't get that
You know, it's like it never stops
So on some level you have to get it
But here's the fact that you did make it
That's really nice
Yeah, you did
And um
That's very nice
But it's also I think now with Twitter
Deflect, deflect, deflect
What?
That's so fast
I talk so fast
Do I talk really fast?
No, but you're just so articulate though
Really?
Yeah, fat, yeah
My boyfriend says that arguing with me
Who's your boyfriend?
Is like being in court
Who's your boyfriend?
I'm not telling you
How do you know your boyfriend?
You know, you probably know him
Is he comic?
No
Actor?
Producer?
Not in the business?
Advertiser?
I've met him before?
No, maybe, no
Okay
I don't know
Is there a more boring
As the podcast listener
Was there anything more boring
Than what we just said?
No
Yes, no, what, huh?
No, but he was like arguing with you
Is so stressful
He was like, it's like being in court
Yeah, yeah
I mean, I couldn't imagine arguing with you
Yeah, I'm pretty good at it
But also with my...
You would make a fantastic lawyer
You would be
I would, my dad was a lawyer
He was very good at it
And growing up in my home
You had to defend yourself constantly
And get good at it
If your last name is Cummings
What did you grow up to?
DC
You did
I'm from DC
We know nothing about each other
I mean, where am I from?
Come on, get it, Whitney
I mean
What's it?
Pilot season?
Were you born at the comedy store?
Best friends
Oh my goodness
Just live at the comedy store
No, but what city am I from, do you know?
I feel like I do
San Francisco
No
That's the most racist thing I've ever found
Or my fucking life
No, I'm just guessing
Because you're like
Shanghai
Vietnam
Yeah, yeah
I'm from San Diego
Okay, I didn't
Fuck, I actually didn't know that
No, you didn't
You would have said it if you knew it
You know what?
You're right
Because I know you went to the La Jolla comedy store
Like now it's all happening
Now it's happening
I was unconscious until I was 30
But so we used to go down to the La Jolla comedy store
And you were from there
I know your sister also
Oh
I love her
You know her?
Yeah
I didn't know that
Yeah
Oh
You didn't know that I knew your sister?
No
Oh, she's still in LA, right?
I have a sister and a half brother
What else?
What, you don't want to talk about your sister?
I don't talk
Yeah, I don't
Yeah
It's not that
Okay
Yeah
All of a sudden I'm not talking about that
Wow
You're talking slower?
Yeah
Yeah
How often do you guys experience paparazzi?
Never
Never?
I don't get it a lot
I'm trying to think like
I get it
I live in the valley
So it's like
There's a certain places you can go
I do at the airport sometimes
Or when I land in a city
Yeah
Because I know that Delta tells people
And stuff like that
Oh, thank you
Yeah
When people are paparazzi now
It's like, you know
You'll just be at a restaurant
And someone will just be holding up a thing
Yeah
Or, you know
I actually, that doesn't bother me
It's more when people come up to you
And either give you career advice
Or start assaulting you
Because they don't want you to get like a big head
Like, I have people all the time come up to me
And they're just like
I know who you are
Oh, wow
Like, cool
I don't know who you are
Or they want to hurt you
Or they'll, like
I get this all the time guys come up to me
And they'll be like
Look, I have no idea who you are
My girlfriend loves you
Can we just get a photo?
I'm like
Oh, yes
Why not?
Or just like
Be like
Can we get it?
Like, just
Why do you need to hurt my feelings?
Yeah
They have to
They're just like
Oh, I don't get it
But like
I get a lot of career advice
People feel very strongly
That I should have been Wonder Woman
They love her gal, good dog
They don't understand why
I get that with Wolverine
No, but they
Jackman?
Bobby Lee
No, but they think that I like
Didn't show up
Like, they're angry
They're like
You Wonder Woman
Like as if I just forgot to like
Go to the set
Yeah, yeah
You know, like it's like
And it's weird because I always think
That's actually like
You know I would never have gotten that job
Like you're just trying to make me be like
Because I'm not pretty enough
You know, it's like
When people overcomplement you
It's a way to actually insult you
Yeah
Because I know you don't think that
But like thank you for being so nice
But now I just
It's like my mom
It's like
I finally like
She rebounds you with her
That she wasn't allowed to like
Talk about my career in any way
And then she um
She did say something
It was like Golden Globes
And she's like
Why weren't you nominated for a gold
You deserve a Golden Globe
Yeah
And then you have to be like
Well, I wasn't nominated
Because my show got canceled
And then I have to hurt myself
By telling you why
I didn't live up to your compliment
My dad says
And I'm not working hard enough
So he goes
Why don't you call studio
And say you're available
Like that's how you get movies
They just thought
There's a sign
That's like
Call here
Like, hey Paramount
I'm gonna be Spider-Man
Or whatever
Yeah
My dad doesn't know how it works
Yeah
Poor Lam
You know
It's like
You don't call people
You know what is so interesting
That I'm realizing
I know nothing about your
Like political beliefs
Do you talk about them ever
We did a podcast
When um
The election votes
Were being tallied
Sombra one, yeah
It was the worst podcast
We ever recorded
Yeah, it's like a bummer
Yeah
Interesting
So what's gonna happen with you two
This has been like
Three or four years
What's happening
You live here
Yeah, we live together
What's the game plan
What do you mean
Just keep collecting animals until
The day we die
Do you guys want kids
We abort it too
No, you haven't
Yeah
Have you?
Yeah
Cause you just didn't want them
In the early on
The first time
Why don't you
Are you not on birth control
I don't know what you're doing right now
Oh, sorry
What are you doing right now
Let me ask you something
What are you doing right now
I'm just
It's interesting
I'm sorry
Yeah, see
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm just curious
It's been over five years, okay
Sorry
Sorry, is there
I'm walking into something
No, you're not
You're not walking into anything
We're fucking open
Go ahead
His favorite subject is telling people
He's aborted children
I don't know why
But the first time
Why do you think?
Because I think it's your
I think it's your
Tourette's
Bobby's Tourette's
It's the comic thing
I think this is what it is
It's not a shame thing
I think it's like
Because we are so
We're justice warriors
Committed to the truth
I realize that's like
A grandizing us
I'm the same way
If I'm late to something
And I'm like
There's traffic
I'll take a picture
Of the traffic
And text it to the person
Because I'm so worried
People think that I'm lying
All the time
And I'm so committed
To telling the truth
All the time
I'm gonna tell you what it is
I'll be honest with you
Just look at me right now
Okay
Okay
After Matt TV
Okay
I was forced to the road a lot
Because I couldn't get a job
So I was in New York
And I had to do press
And I had to do open Anthony
For the first time
This is when Greg Geraldo
And Patrice
They were alive
They were alive
And I did that
I did that radio show
And as soon as I walked in
They ripped me apart so hard
That I just got up and left
What did they rip you about?
About my body
You know what I mean?
Like, you know
They were just ripping
My physical appearance
Everything, you know
And I just went
Oh, shit
I'm not
I can't do this
And I left
The next year
I went back
And I realized
I had to do open Anthony again
But that
This time
I just blurted out
Every fucking
I'm going to get it to you
Before you get to it
Yes
And it worked for me
Can I tell you
I was just going like
So what's it like?
We had two abortions
Before
I'm telling you
You can't
There's nothing you can get me on
Because I already beat you
To the punch
Right
I'm going to insult myself
Before you can
But when you just said that
I don't know if that's the healthiest way
To even go about
You know
Living life
Living though
It's also a way of control
Which I'm not in a negative way
It's a way of controlling
The conversation
And like
Being innocent
Like I'm not trying to hide anything
But it worked for me
And that's why
I can do all the podcasts
And radio shows
And I'm successful at it
Now because
I just
I'm aware of
That's what my thing is
And so
Because before
I was
Just, hey
Just bring up this thing
I can do a bit
And now
It's more like
I'm going to be honest
And just say
Everything
And I also think
I'm just going to be
Like super straight
Like my biggest fear
In life is being boring
I mean that is like
What I'm the most insecure about
What I'm anywhere
I'm always like
Am I being boring?
Am I being boring?
Like you know
Like that's just
And it was so hard for me
To get attention as a kid
That I had to be like
You know
So I just have that sort of ticking clock
Of like
You're bombing
You're bombing
You're bombing all the time
So maybe it's that too
Like whenever I
I always like front load
Like when someone's like
How are you?
I'm like
The meds aren't mixing
Like
I will come out
Swinging so hard
Yeah
Just be the most
Interesting person
Like here's all my secrets
Right
I also think that there's
When you say it
You have a sense of ownership
And you become
You feel a little less
Vulnerable
Or blackmailable
That's great
Yeah
Exactly
Like you can't
I owned it
You have nothing on me
Exactly
No one can hold
Anything you say
Over your head
Do you have
Because I don't really see you
You know
With other female comedians
And they hang out with other
I don't
Never really seen you
Really?
With other female comedians
Who do you hang with?
For 10 years
Oh yeah
I mean yeah
That's right
Yeah
I don't really
Sarah Tiana's my buddy
I'm not her
Yeah
I don't like
It's tricky
Like I don't
Like hang a ton
Yeah
I'm working on that
It's just hard
Because it's like
Working during the day
And doing stand up at night
Just leave so little room
But I have like
A couple friends
Oh my god
This is a great one
Making her to be there
This is a great one
So I was at Chelsea
And some comedian
Had given me a writer's packet
Right
And this comedian goes
Hey I need a writing job
Can you give this to the producers
Of Chelsea Lately
And I go
Someone had asked you
Yeah
So I have a packet now
Right
With his writing
I'm there
And I'm sitting there with
I forgot
I was with Brad
Or whoever
And you run into the room
And you're going to try to
Bring that piece of shit
Into our family
You know who it was
It was
Writing packet
I remember that
You remember that
Yes
And I literally
Remember going
Oh my god
What did I do
Because I remember
What he was like
It all came back
I didn't think about it
At the time
When he was giving me the packet
Yeah
But once I was like
And my friend
And you walked in the room
Like what the fuck
In my head
I'm like
What the fuck
For me
I try to bring the devil
Into the fucking
Well I think that
That's like
When you're successful
You want to help
Other people
That's what it was
Yeah
You know what I mean
But I think that
I've learned
It's taken me a long time
To understand
What help actually is
When you're giving someone
An opportunity they don't
Deserve
That's not helping them
That's actually
Just hurting everybody
Else
And then
In your fucking
Yourself
Because everyone's
Going
It's even when like
People go
Well how come you weren't
In this movie
You know
Your friend's producing
Or whatever
It's like
Yeah but I don't want to
You know what I mean
I get why
I would never want someone
To hire me
Because they felt like
They had to
Yeah
Yeah
Yeah
Embarrassing
Yeah
Like if you're like
That's just so
Because everybody knows
Except you
And then you're the fucking
Dickhead that thinks
That you're there on merit
And it's humiliating
You know
And you're like
Do I need to create a safer space
For you
Trying to like
Get people
Like I'm just sort of
Like do you want to just
Come in later
Maybe we should move the hours
So that you're
Trying to accommodate
Everybody's fucking
Sickness
And like
And then
Someone explained to me
Like a mentor in the business
It was like when you fire
Someone it's the best thing
You can do for them
Because they will learn so
Much
And you're just enabling
It's like giving money
To a drug addict or whatever
It's like you're just helping
Them suck faster
And get a worse reputation
Right
If you fire someone
You're helping them
Wow
I don't think coddling
Anyone is ever good for them
It doesn't
Yeah
And like
And I mean it's
In him in particular
I mean by the way
I also am like
Made like a lovely amends to me
And like
It was very healing
And I was like
Thank you
It was like really nice
And meaningful
I mean I get why
I was kind of triggering
When I first came out
The comedy star
Like I don't blame people
For being shitty to me
I'm gonna like
Oh it's fair
No
Yeah
And like
I remember there was a group
Of guys there
I'm not gonna name names
But
It was a different time
It was a different time
But they were bullies dude
Yeah
They were like
They would walk up to women
And go
You're not fun
Women aren't funny
Cause here's the reason
I think I have some
Stockholm syndrome about it
Yeah
I was hazed so hard
But I am so grateful
Cause nothing after that
Could fucking hurt
Like
No audition
No pitch
No producer
No
Getting fired from a pilot
Like
Getting fired from that place
Yeah
That's like your worst nightmare
Happens
You have a bunch of comics
Saying you're not funny
You suck
You're ugly
I wouldn't fuck you
Like shit like that
And then it's like
You want me to go
Do a network test
Like it's great
Like it just like
Nothing could hurt me
After that
So I'm like
I'm really grateful
What of testing
Yeah I hate it
Do you do beta blockers
But that's another thing
I was gonna bring up
I think he introduced him
To beta
Really?
Yeah so
I had a couple of
People telling you
About it
And you go
You shot beta blockers
Oh really
I brought a beta blocker
Yeah and I went to the doctor
And I got beta blockers
This is years ago
Yeah
And
I remember this
I take him
Whenever I'm like shooting
Yeah
And it helps
100%
It's game changer
It's a game
It really is
Even just knowing you have them
Is a game changer
Yeah it is
The placebo effect of it
There's something about it
Like
But back to the
What
Like
The long comic
Were you such a dick
No I was just like
This guy's
You know
I was trying to help people out
Why?
This is the last time
I helped anybody
Because this guy
But it helps them
And hurts the 200 people
I know but I was sitting there
In the audition
He walked in
And I looked at him
And this is his script
And he was doing this
Aww
You know what I mean
And I'm sitting there
Going
Oh my god
It's terrible
It's terrible
It's terrible
I'm never gonna do this again
Yeah he just
Wasn't ready
I had a
It's so interesting
Like do you ever find that
Sometimes you're nervous
And sometimes you're not
I had a
The most nervous I've ever been
In an audition
This is so weird
I was like a kid
And I was like
Auditioning for like
Hosting jobs
Like I was doing hosting
When I first came out to LA
I must have been like 23
I was like right after punked
And I was so numb
And unconscious
In my 20s
That I would like
Go into tests
And be like
What's up bitches
Like I would never get nervous
And just like
Eat shit
And be like
Nailed it
And then one time
I went into
I'm only saying this
Because now I know
How much you know about music
I went into an audition
And Henry Rollins was there
Wow
And I started convulsing
I was like
Like I couldn't
I couldn't speak
Yeah
And I also didn't have
The wherewithal
Or the consciousness
To be able to go
Like I should go outside
And fucking regroup
Like I didn't know how to
Like I now
If I ever go into a meeting
Or like a screen test
Or anything
I go in for like
Two minutes and I'm like
I need to go outside
And come back
Like I have so many demands
You've done that
You do that
Yeah
Because you have to like
Like claim your space
And it is never
Do you have lots of people
That are performers
That listen to this
Podcast
I don't know
So it's like that
The most amazing actress
That I
Her name is Lucy Punch
She came in one time
I know her
She's yes
Yeah I know Lucy Punch
She's kind of been in everything
Yeah she's great
When I moved to LA
She was the one
To beat
If she was auditioning
She's excellent
And she was in the movie
I made
And she's just
Transcendent
And she came in
For an audition
For this show
I did on HBO
And she came in
And like she was kind of like
Nervous
And was like
Like we had a friend
In common
Like her name's
Lizzie Kaplan
And I was like
Oh you know Lizzie
And she was like
Yeah anyway
Like she kind of ignored it
And I was like
Trying to bond with her
And it was like
It was very weird
Yeah
And she did it
And she was great
And Lucy's still
In the parking lot
And wants to come back
And do that again
Is that okay
And I was like
Okay
Like the balls right
Like I would never think
To do it again
Yeah yeah yeah
I would never think to go
You know can I take that again
And go in my space like that
I'm always like
I'm a piece of shit
And I'm so sorry
It's wasted your time
And then she came back in
And she just goes
Hey
I'm
Negotiating to test
For another pilot
The writer's office
Is across the hall
I got nervous
And freaked out
That he was gonna hear
That I've just been distracted
Can I audition again
And I was like
Wow
Okay
I was so impressed
By her ability
To own her space
And her environment
Yeah yeah
And I felt so much trust
And I was not upset
I was not mad
I was not put out
I was like
Thank you for doing that
I just learned so much
Yeah
From you
Killed it
Hired her
Put her in my movie
Wow
Writing something new
With her
Wow
Isn't that weird
That we walk in
As if we're guests
Yeah
They need us
Yeah
I gotta learn that
And it's also
Even if you don't get the job
You at least get to have a modicum
Of fucking dignity
Yeah
But now
With the Henry Rawlins thing
Did you ever get it down
Or no
No
Yeah you choose
I'm not even a fan
Of his anymore
I ruined
All everything
I'm from DC
Henry Rawlins is like
A deity
Yeah
We were getting him
For this in a couple weeks
It was so bad
I'm gonna bring it up
It was amazing
Please
Like you know sometimes we go to
I went into an audition
Like Will Smith was in there
And I was like
What's up
Yeah
It was so weird
And it was a hosting job
It was like hey welcome to
Music on the radio
Like I also did like
Look in the camera
I almost puked
I was like
If I puked in front of Henry Rawlins
But yeah
You just never know
Who's gonna like
Get you
Amy Poehler
Uh oh
I walk in
She's Amy Poehler
And she
She does something
She goes
I thought I was just
Gonna do the audition
Yeah
Bobby
And she introduces me
To the whole room
Of course
She's being lovely
Being nice
But while she's doing it
Now
It's all gone
Everything you want
I don't do small talk
I don't
And here's what I'll say
I don't know why they do that
Here's the biggest problem
I don't do small talk
I let them know fucking right away
Because and this is gonna sound
Narcissistic
But like we're funny
And like you're gonna come in
And start killing
With just your small talk
About like
I don't know where to park
You know whatever
And they're gonna go
What's it like to be on mad TV
And you tell this hilarious story
And I farted in this girl's mouth
Or whatever
You know that one
All of those stories
And then you read the material
And it's bombing
Yeah
And they're like
He was so funny before
He started reading the material
Yeah
Because you're always gonna be
Funnier than the material
But I found so bad
That I took a bottle of water
And walking from the audition
To my car
I banged it against my head
This bottle of water
Yeah
And I was bleeding
Got my face
What is the feeling
When you walk out of an audition
It's bad
It's like you wanna fucking die
It's worse than that for me
I wanna disappear
The embarrassment
Not the embarrassment
But it's like
I'm embarrassing my brand
I'm embarrassing my family
And it's just embarrassed
Because when you're doing stand up
I can
I'm
I know how funny I am
And you can course correct
Right
The best thing you can do
When you
It's joke bombs
Is you go like
Oh that didn't do you
Fuck you guys
Yeah
Yeah
But when I'm
In there
And I have really
No control
And I'm nervous
And they don't like me
And it's not going well
I can't
Explain to you
How fucking shitty it feels
To us
I get devastated
Ask her
I get devastated by it
It's devastated
It really is
Irrationally
That is right
It's irrationally devastating
I think for me
Like I performed as a child
For my parents
To get their love
So I think that
I turn five again
And it is like
You do think it's life or death
Like if I don't get the love
Of these people
I won't eat
I won't get
I don't exist
Cause that's the thing
Is if your parents don't
Give you attention
You don't exist
Right
And then so it's just remembering
Like I'm a fucking adult
This is a business transaction
But it's not about getting the job
It's about
Listen
I've
The last couple of
Couple of months
I've had some good auditions
And I didn't get the job
Right
If I can walk out of there
And just show them
My ability
Yeah
And I don't get the job
I get it
Yeah
It's when I can't show them
What I can do
I have like
Lots of rules around
Cause I now know
Like where
How I shine
And how I don't
I'm not coming to Santa Monica
I'm not
No snow
This isn't Santa Monica
There is
If I'm crossing Bundy
I'm eating shit
I just
I know
I know that about myself
Not after noon
Afternoon
Between 10 and noon
That's where I
After that
I'm tired
I'm dizzy
I'm mentally
I'm shiny
You've seen me
I get shinier
As the day goes on
I get hungry
Afternoon
That's pretty much it
Wow
Within 3 miles of my home
Or I'll just put myself on tape
That's the other thing
It's like getting your power back
I'm just like
You know what
I'm gonna put myself on tape
Cause I need a couple takes
To get this
Yes
Just say I'll put myself on tape
It's also different for women too
Men
You'll never understand this
Like if you look at the cycle scope
There are certain times
Depending on where your hormones are
Or how high your hormones are flowing
You don't
You feel like a hermit
You don't feel like socializing
You don't feel
You don't
Even if you're naturally like
Extroverted
All of that's gone
You just kind of want to bury yourself
In a hole
And that happens to me
Even though I feel like
I'm pretty good
Otherwise socializing with people
For a whole week
Out of a month
I cannot even
Formulate a sentence
Yeah
My thoughts are not in order
And I just don't want to see
Other people
Yeah
Totally
And it's also like
That's another thing
You just like nailed
It's like
I need to know
Who's gonna be in the room
I don't want any surprises
I also
You know
And this is gonna come off
Like
I don't want to come up
Like made of glass
But it's like
You do go down
In addition
You see like nine models
You see like
Four
It's just
It's just
Spins
We're comics
We're sensitive
Like everything
Spins me
I'm having a panic attack
Even
Like I'm just saying
Like you run into
Like the girls that got
Every job
In your twin
Yeah
And it's just like
It's a
You're walking into
Kind of a landmine
You know
And I'm so empathic
That I like take
Like
Like oh my god
Like
Like you know
So it's just a lot of energy
Yeah
It's a lot of
What I have to do is
Like if there's like
Six people in like
The office lobby
I
Walk away
I am outside
Around a corner
Right
I kind of know
Like look at the door
To see who
And who I'm after
And when that person
Or comes out
I go back in the room
Yeah
But I cannot be in there
When people go
Hey man
I saw you perform Saturday
You killed it
And you're an empath
Like you are
Cause you're just absorbing
Everybody's energy
And they're throwing it all
And they're actors
So they're
Injured people
And you're just taking on
Their childhood pain
And their epigenetic imprinting
And their shit
And like
They hate you
And you hate them
And it's just like
Oh god
Everyone I've been avoiding
For less 15 years
I have to sit in a fucking room
And it's just like
I don't remember lines
And I don't even want to do this
Let's be honest
I don't even want to do this
Like
I don't even
It's just like
An existential crisis
Yeah
You know
We're so similar in that way
I'm like
There's no way this is gonna go
Yeah
Yeah
Like
Let me just go
Fucking tell some dick jokes
For free
For free
What are we doing time wise
Such a like
We're over an hour
We're over an hour already
That's amazing
Yeah
Alright
You want to do the
Unhelpful advice
Well quick question for you both
Did we just say
When you guys first met
And what was the experience
Cause I'm curious
When did you guys
Actually first see each other
I don't remember
I don't remember either
She was just a part of my life
No but here's the thing
There was a
It was so
Wow Bobby
Great answer
That was so touching
She's always been a part of my life
I remember
Cause I was just talking to Kevin Christie
About this
When I was like
Do you remember like
When we became
It was just
For some reason one day
I just went to the other side
Of the hallway
Right
It was like
I was always on one side
Of the hallway
Like looking at my notes
And like looking at you guys
And then one day
I went to the other side
Yeah
At least with Kevin
Yeah
I brought Kevin to the store
By the way
I feel like you
I feel like you
When I first
You were a bright spot
When I first came
Because I remember
You gave me very good advice
Cause I would like
Have all my copious notes
And they were all written out
And I was like writing in margins
To go do three minutes
Yeah
In the
Oh the fucking
I would go Sundays and Mondays
And wait in line at the open mic
And I was like
And I remember being like
And you were like
I'm gonna bomb
And we were both about to go on
In the car
We were both gonna
We were terrible
And then we're both
Have the same inner monologue
And then one day you said
You were just like
It doesn't
Your first three years
None of this matters
All you need to do is
Get comfortable on stage
Yeah
I'd say that
Yeah
And it gave me such a permission
To stop worrying about the jokes
Cause I was so like
And if I just say this
Like this
And you were just like
It doesn't matter
You can tell when a comic
Right
Has fully
They're fully comfortable on stage
Because even if they're bombing
They just
The audience member
Or somebody watching
Yeah
You feel at ease
Yes, that's right
That's right
That's so interesting
And that's where you have to get to
Yeah
So in the beginning
It doesn't people write these
I don't have a 20-minute set yet
You know what I'm saying
You're not gonna be able to get
That to work
Even if it's the best
Writing imaginable
Yes
Yes
100%
I mean it's
You said that to me
And I remember you were the first person
Who was like
Helpful to me in any way
And not trying to
Like Ari was stealing my backpack
And David too
Like people
Were on stage
And people would make fake announcements
While I was on stage
They'd be like
There's a red civic blocking the drive
Like
What?
And it was like
They don't do that
They don't make it
And I'd be like
Does anyone ever red civic
And then they'd come
And be like
There's a blue civic
And I'd be like
Is anyone
Like it was just
I would be getting heckled by comics
You know
And so you were like
One of the first
I mean probably the first person
Why don't you have a podcast
I don't
You'd be so good at it
That's so nice of you
I just
I don't know
Like it's
I'm gonna say this right
Tiger Belly
This podcast
Is the reason why
I'm on a show
It's the reason why I have a career
Like I feel like you can't
Not have a podcast now
But everyone has a podcast
My audiences
Have tripled
On the road
Just automatically
You have to
What?
You have to do one
But everyone's got one
It doesn't matter
Because the thing is
Well
A lot of people do stand up too
Am I funnier than them?
Yeah
Yeah
But you're a lethal combo
You're a lethal
Not funny
Not just funny
But you're
Intellectual
So smart
Yeah, you would kill it
So I think there's
You know
You would kill it
And you could get guests
That I can't get too
I mean you have that
I mean
Will Smith
Yeah
I mean you could get guests
That I can't get
And that would be amazing
But I mean
Just think about it
I just
Is it week?
Yeah
On Monday nights
Weekly
Just an hour out of the week
We'll set it up
We'll set it up for you
I don't know
Why I have a block about it
Here's another thing
Is that
It's shame
I'm ashamed
We're with all things comedy
Al Magical
And Bill Burr
Run it
Yeah
Oh yeah
I just did
Is Bill
Bill Kreischer
Is his cooking show
Yes
That's on it
Yeah
Shagura
Ari
We're all a part of this
And it's been the best thing I've done
I have debilitating crippling perfectionism
Yeah
So I remember one time Tim Ferriss
Like asked me to do a solo podcast
For him
Like just in my house
And I answered questions
From people on Twitter
And I stopped and started
No
Like 40 times
I was like
Like I just have such
I have crippling perfection
I mean I need to work
I'm not saying
I want to stay stuck to that
But
Listen in this podcast alone
There was moments where I
You know
Where I could have been better
But
But I don't think that's what people
I think people like
The imperfection
Nobody likes broadcasting chops
Nobody likes anyone who
Like
Nobody likes a winner
Yeah
That's true
That's why you're doing so well
No
You're a loser
I think that's what people like
Is they come to see your comedy
To see them well polish it
And they come to this
To see you have conversations
Yeah
They just like
You know what I mean
The chemistry
It just helps people
You don't have to be killing every
No
No, no, no
The lulls are totally okay
The lulls are great
The lulls are great
So let's do the unhelpful advice
Unhelpful advice with Bobby Kalyla
Wow
And Rick Cummings
Wow
Very good
That's crazy
Second City, Chicago
Go ahead
Every time, man
That was wild
Yeah
What's up guys
I'm 22 years old
Back in 2014
I was in a mosh pit
At a cannibal corpse show
And suffered a spinal cord injury
I was paralyzed from the neck down
In the hospital for seven months
I'm never getting a podcast
This is horrible
So depressing
Those seven months
Really messed me up mentally
And I still haven't gotten over it
I have a wife and a son
That I feel like
I probably
That I can't probably provide for
Due to lingering disabilities
I have from the spinal cord injury
I did learn to walk again in 2016
But I still
Can't really lift my arm
So I can't work a job
To provide for my family
I'm very passionate about comedy
And I would love to be a comedian
Or a writer
But I live in deep Alabama
Where there are no opportunities
In that field
My question is
How do you guys suggest
I get myself into a better place
Mentally
And how could I possibly break
Into the field of comedy
You guys are the best
From Alabama
Well, I mean
The number one thing
Is that I want to say this
Is that
It's so funny
Oh my god
That's a real
I would say
The first thing to do
Is read a book
On brain plasticity
There's a new
In the field of neurology
There's sort of this new
Theory that is gaining
A tremendous amount
Of scientific support
That if you imagine
A part of your brain
That has shut down
Or died in any way
It stops working
Another part of the brain
Can actually pick up the flak
And you can start using again
So it's like if you imagine
That a certain part of your body
Is working
One part of your brain
That is not normally
Reserved for that motor function
Will take it on and learn it
So I would learn as much
About brain plasticity
As you possibly can
Oh my god
What's your answer
I would say what you said
Mine first
Because
I should have said mine first
You should have done it first
Never mind
No I mean
I have had
That
Brain plasticity
Read a book
Brain plasticity
And then
Right jokes about that
I mean remember
When Robert Schimmel would do
Jokes about his chemo
Yeah
And he had a whole show
Where he would show pictures
Of guys in the hazmat suits
That wouldn't touch the stuff
That was going in his veins
And he had this amazing job
Where he was like
You won't touch it
But it's going in my blood
It was heartbreaking
But so funny
And original
And incredible
And
Specific
And none of us can do those jokes
The thing about the comedy
In that area
If you want to do it
Is that
You know it's
You can just go to a coffee shop
That you know
And start your own night
I just believe in movements
And people starting from scratch
Yeah
I mean back in the 70s
Like you know
Like when we went to Mitzi's
Memorial
You know what they did
With the store
Is a prime example
Oh that's open
Let's try to do
Rent this you know
Or out
And see if people
You know
Will come
And people came
Yeah
Especially other comedians
That had never done it before
And they started this thing
You know
So you could start it there
And secondly
Um
I don't know
That's it
Brain's lost it is easy
Kyle what do you think
How to get out of that mental hurdle
I think that he has
Great content already
Surviving
Having a spinal injury
From a mosh pit
I think that's great comedic content
To talk about
Right
Like he can kind of
Just jump off from there
And like you were saying
It's like
No one else can talk
About a spinal injury
From a mosh pit
But him
And it's also
I mean I do think
To what you guys were saying
It's like in order to be a comedian
Anymore you don't always
Necessarily have to be
In the club
Like start with
Instagram stories
Do
YouTube videos
Like do it from wherever you are
Like you'll find your audience
Eventually
You know you don't necessarily
Have to go to coffee shops
Every night
And with this fucking guy
And you know
There's a way that now
I mean capitalize on the fact
That we're in this time
Where you can you know
Make videos from your house
And stuff
I want to see something
Dumb right now
Okay it's not
Now
You know what I mean
What was all that
I was on Tony Hawk's
Tony Hawk's Instagram today
And he had a video up of
Why
What do you mean
I follow him
So I was just
You were just
Yeah I was
No I was on his way
I was just going through all
The people I follow
And Tony had a video
Of it looked like a dwarf
Right
Skateboarding in a pool
And he was doing like tricks
And whatever
But when I look close enough
It was a man who had lost his legs
Oh
From the knees down
And he had figured out how to
Skateboard
You haven't seen a lot of dwarfs
In your life
What is that
Did you notice there were no shoes
Have you met Brad Williams
Do you think they're just
Forget it
Forget it
Forget it
Forget it
Forget it
Forget it
Forget it
Forget it
But yeah that
You want anything you want to plug
Shows
Movie
Anything
The movie that you're on
Items
Yeah I made a movie
That happens to have
Brain plasticity
Story line in it
Oh wow
It's called The Female Brain
I wrote a book
I don't know
I have a podcast coming out
Yeah let us know
Let us know
Because what I would suggest to you is this
Is that
Get a podcast
And then I would do
Because you could do
All the ones
Like Chris Delia's ones
The Ovan
There's so many people
You mean you go on everyone
That's what I do
I promote it
I've done all of them
It's because it's a full time job
It's not
You do it one time
And it's like
You know it's easy
You promote it
You do it once a week
You have five people in your house
Once a week
You don't have to have cameras
You can just do an audio one
Oh god damn it Whitney
You're gonna fucking do it
She's a show runner
She's a show runner
It's like there's just like
It's just a lot of logistics
It's so easy
What the fuck is that
Is that a bomb?
Like what is that
There's so
I can't have
There's so many cameras in here
This is giving me
Fucking nightmares
There's so many wires
But I want to say this too
That you are a great
Really really great guest
Really?
Yeah oh my god
I feel like I'm
I always feel like I'm podcasting
Bombing
No it's not because I'll tell you why
It's because
I've done podcasts
Where twenty minutes will go in
And I go
Is that it?
Oh really?
Yeah I've
Rarely do I reach an hour
And go
An hour?
Over an hour?
Oh good
Yeah so it went by really quickly
This is a short one
When I do Rogan
It's like four and a half hour
Yeah no we don't do that
Yeah a lot of them are long
Yeah
But I want to thank you so much
You are great
Thanks it's smart to keep it tight
That's good
That's good
And that was the last time
And that was great plasticity
Around here
Yeah a lot of brain plus
I know
Wait so what were there
No more questions?
Nope that's it
One and done
Tight show
It's not a four hour podcast
Okay got it
Give her a round of applause guys
Thanks guys
Thank you
When does this go out
Do you want me to
Tonight
Oh it goes on tonight
Okay we'll do a thing
Thank you America
I don't know
It's the demo
We'll be right back
We are back
What a podcast
She's amazing
I love Whitney
She's dope
She's the best
But also she just
Always feels like
Such an ally to girls
Oh for sure
And women
She shut Bobby down
But you know like
When you walk or sometimes
When you're around certain women
You always feel like
Perhaps there's like
This sense of
I don't know like competition
You never feel that around her
Every time I've ever
Been around Whitney
She always feels like
Your ally
Yeah very much like a team player
Yeah like
She's down for the girl
She's down for her
For that
I like that
Um puppy
Puppy update
What do we
Gulp gulp gulp
I'm sorry you've got me these
Freaking peak hands
From South Carolina
South Carolina
South Carolina
And they're so good
And I can't stop eating them
Charleston
Charleston apparently not
Supposed to say they are
Charleston
Charleston
Mollymepacans
Puppy update
Puppy is now five weeks
I've fully weaned him from the bottle
So I'm no longer playing wet nurse
He usually
Puppies don't go out
For don't usually get adopted
Until they're about
At least two months
But in this case
Because he's an orphan puppy
With no siblings
And no mother
They're adopting him out sooner
So if you're interested
In adopting Fritter
Go to Mayday Rescue
M-A-E-D-A-Y
Rescue on Instagram
And fill out an application
Cool
Any shows for Bobby?
Bobby will be at
Seattle next weekend
Yeah
June 7th through 9th
And then the weekend after that
At San Francisco Punchline
Cool
And guys for all
Classic clips and highlights
From our podcast
Go to YouTube.com
Slash Tiger Belly clips
So all for Bobby's show days
Make sure you go to
Bybeleelive.com
And you can find
All Calylas
Instagram
And social media at
Calamity K
And at
Georgia and Georgia
And Bobby at
Bybeleelive
And Bryce at
Gilbets
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