TigerBelly - Episode 21: Bro, What Happened?

Episode Date: December 23, 2015

Bobby is not a fan of the Cleveland dingle-dangler. Khalyla makes a very wrong prediction about the Philippines. We talk post coital differences, flat faces, and what it takes to be soul sisters.   Recorded December 23, 2015 Music by Bobby Lee Instagram: @tigerbelly Twitter: @thetigerbelly www.thetigerbelly.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. I will finish what you started. Is that even mean? It's Bobby. Welcome to Tiger Belly. We've got Kalyla and Gilbert, and I will finish what you started. Yes, my boy. I can't wait for the Star Wars movie. It's upon us. It's upon us.

Are we watching it when you get back from Fort Lauderdale? Yes. You got to get tickets for Monday. Arclight? You, me, Charlie, Steve. Steve. And we'll just get two extra ones just to see. For who? We don't know. What if you guys meet someone?

We're not a very inclusive group, though. I want to be more inclusive. I mean, what's the opposite word? Exclusive. Exclusive? Exclusive? I think so. I want to be more open is what I'm trying to say.

I know why is that. What do you mean? Okay, so when I used to, before I met you, I lived in Long Beach, my own apartment, and it was always, we had such a revolving door policy. So it's like when I had friends who were in town, whether or not I was close to them, they always just crashed at my place.

It was just, I remember living in a place we used to call the orphanage because everyone just sort of like couch surfed there, right? Mm-hmm. When I met you, you were like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like same thing in my house. It's a revolving door policy. And then like three months into living with you, I realized like not only is it not a revolving door policy,

but you basically never allow anyone in here. Because I lie. And I lie to you. Because the thing is, is that, you know, I'm a piece of, I'm poop, but I have to put like, you know, Christmas lights on it and like, you know. Dazzle it up. Dazzle it up. And that's what I did.

You know, I lied. Oh, because you were trying to impress her at the time. Yeah. What am I going to say? I'm a hermit and I don't do nothing. I have no friends. I just stay in my apartment all day. That would have been perfectly fine by me.

Yeah, but I didn't know that at the time. So I had to lie. It's not a revolving door. What would you call it? What kind of door? So, so what happens now is that I am, I've turned into a hermit myself. Yeah, I love it. Like if you, if anyone knows us, you know, Bobby and I are bonafide hermits,

certifiable hermits. I mean, we, we stay in, like we find every excuse not to step out for food. And I've seen the least amount of sunshine in this year. That she ever had. Then I ever had. When I went to the hospital the last time I was low in phosphorus. That's weird. Yeah.

And I thought to myself, oh, wow. Cause like, you know, you need, you need vitamin D to like whatever, convert whatever phosphorus, whatever. I'll just eat more. Well, I'm a vampire. I've always been that way. I don't like sunlight. I don't like moving that much.

And I just like night. I like the night. I'm nocturnal. I like what I like the TV shows at night. Infomercial paid programming. Favorite one right now. Paid programming. Well, I haven't, cause I play video games so much right now that I haven't,

I don't know what's out there, but it's like, well, I'm friends with Vince offer. So I'm sure he has some stuff out there. You know, Vince offer. Is he the guy that does what? Shamwell. Yeah. Yeah.

He's like a cocaine addict, right? Yeah. Well, I'm not friends with him actually. Like I had a falling out with him actually. Oh, because of the movie. What movie? The underground comedy movie. You heard about that?

Never heard about it. Well, it was one of those things that he would. Okay. So when I was an open miker in San Diego on an open mic night, I met Vince offer and he was doing a movie called the underground comedy movie, which is a sketch movie. And he would, he scouted up in LA, but like everyone kind of said no. So he came down to San Diego and as soon as he said, you want to be in a movie? I go, yeah, I want to get movies.

And it's the worst part. I basically, first of all, it's not my voice because they dubbed my voice. I played this karate guy and I beat the shit out of my wife. I don't know what it is. Jesus. Yeah. It was awesome. So you know who else was in it?

Michael Keaton. Clark Duncan. Oh, really? Well, hello. Michael Clark. Yeah. He was in it and it was an absolute disaster, but I did it. And then years went by.

I'm like, ah, no one's ever going to see it. Yeah. But then he started like, like he does with his other products. He bought time and he sold it late night, comedy central and whatnot. Right. And I got paid nothing for it, by the way. Why? Because I was a kid.

I didn't know any different. Oh. I did it for free, but it was fun to do. I mean, at the time it was really seedy. I remember being in North Hollywood, like deep in the valley shooting it. This is a 90, like probably 95, 96. So why the falling out? Because 12 years after that, he tried to re-release it.

Wait, what? The fans were clamoring for it? No, he just, he wanted to like add to it. So we had Adrian Brody in it. He paid him a shitload of money. Good grab. And I remember Whitney Cummings coming up to me going, should I do this movie? I'm like, I don't know.

I wouldn't do it. And he, my part was still in it. Oh man. Right. And he was like, I was being advertised, like Bobby Lee in. And I called my lawyer. I got, this has to stop right now. I cannot.

Number one, it's a shitty movie. Number two, I didn't get a fucking dime from it, right? And it's like, it's the same thing that happened with, bro, what happened? Bro, why did you do that movie? God, I wish I knew you then. I would have ex-nade on it so fast. No, bro, what happened just happened when I was dating you. No, what happened was.

Bro, what happened? No, don't look it up. Please don't look it up. Please don't. It'll cause, it'll cause so much anxiety and fear within me. It's that bad. And within me, within me too. What's the story then?

All right. So. It was actually in my defense, sweetie. We had only been dating a few weeks. I didn't feel like I could give you my honest opinion. Like, that wasn't my place to tell you, no. Like, I didn't know what your career was like, you know? So I couldn't be like, hey, dude, definitely do not do that movie.

I get a call from my friend, Dante, who's a standup. He was on Last Comic Standing, but I started with Dante. I loved him. Great guy. And then he calls me. He says, I'm directing this movie called, bro, what happened? Why? That name.

I know. Right. I said, I don't really kind of want to do it. He's like, you're going to be doing me a huge favor. It's literally one day for two hours in one scene. Jamie Kennedy is doing it. And he goes, I just really need a favor. And I called my agent.

I said, listen, I'm going to do this thing called bro, what happened? And my agent said to try to talk me out of it. I don't think you should do that for no money. Correct. Exactly. But he's my friend. And it's one day, one scene. What could it hurt?

So I did it. I went, I went to the valley, you know, I shot. It was a fun scene to be honest. It was just fun to hang out with Dante and all these people. And the next thing I know, seven months later, I look online and it's Bobby Lee, Jamie Kennedy starring in bro. What happened? You were, you were the headlining.

I do think it was just me and Jamie on the fucking cover of a poster of a movie where I shot one day, three hours. So you only had like three lines. I like 10 lines or whatever. Right. And he was promoting it as if I'm the star of it. So I call him. I go out in livid like, Dante, what the fuck is going on?

He says, it's not me, man. It's the producers. I go, yeah, but could you even give me a heads up? You don't mean that that's happening because then I remember like Chelsea Pretty texting me. She's a comic. Who I look up to and she goes, what bro? What happened?

The question mark. Like people were like going, what are you doing? I feel like that's so deceitful. It is. It's very deceitful. And I told them, I go, Dante, if you don't get me off of that fucking poster, we're done. That's like, um, he took advantage of you.

That was like exploitative. Like that's, he exploited your name for, you know, marketing purposes and you only had 10 lines in it. So from the beginning, I think that some, that was the intent. They knew that if as long as they got you on their roster that they could do that and they were going to do it, I think that that was established from the start, which is why it's even more deceitful. No money.

Absolutely no money. And it's like, even if there was money, I would have been like, bro, please do not do that. I would have begged you not to do that movie. Bro, what happened? Yeah. Anyway, um, I, so then who was I with? I was with, um, at the coffee shop where I ran into Dante.

I was with somebody. Was this recent? Yeah. Like, uh, two weeks ago, three weeks ago, I met Starbucks. Oh, I'm with Kyle, I think Kyle Ray. Yes. I'm with Kyle Ray at a Starbucks and Dante shows up and starts talking to Kyle Ray.

He knows I'm there. I turned my body completely around so that I don't have to talk to him. And he was with his girlfriend or whatever wife or whatever. They talked for a long time. I had to turn around for like 15 minutes. He didn't call for you? No, because if he would have said something, I wouldn't have turned around anyway. Yeah.

And I already told them that we're done, you know, and, um, he was really uncomfortable and I, I just think that it's like really fucking shady, shady. Yeah. It's shady and, um, it reminded me of that underground comedy movie, which in turn the underground comedy, they did take me out of the thing. You know, the, yeah. So, um, So how was the movie, the underground one?

One of the worst movies ever made. And like, probably bro, what happened is probably one of the worst movies ever made. I don't find, I don't, I like bad movies and I don't mind like doing people a favor, but I don't like being taken advantage of. Yeah. You're right. Because, you know, Bobby has a thing for really bad disaster movies. Yeah, I love him.

Like he loves, um, what's that one? 2012. Just did. Oh, San Andreas. No, even worse than that. Like more obscure ones. I love the core. Oh, that's a good one.

It's a really good one. The core had so many big actors, but Aaron Eckhart's in it, Hilary Swank, Stanley Tucci. Yep. And the core of the earth stops rotating. That's a big deal. So guess what they do? They drill a hole. Galroy Lindo invents a machine that drive, that they can drill to the core of the earth.

This is real science. Right. They can, and then we know what they do. They plant little commute nuclear bombs within the core. So like the chain reaction restarts the core of the earth. And jump starts it. Jump starts it. Yeah.

Let's never put nukes at the core of our earth. Ever. Yeah. Ever. But it's a brilliant movie. It's a magnificent. I like the way you said nukes. Nukes.

And what else do I like? I like, I mean, it all started with like, I like the deep bank packed upon the other one. I feel like those are good though. That's like the same concept. Yeah, but I like deep impact. Or maybe I was so young and we went to the movie theaters. I just remember have a good memory of, you know, watching in Cebu. So maybe.

Yeah. No, it's, I love it. I think it's a masterpiece. And the other one I was with the Bruce Willis. What's it called? Armageddon. Armageddon I loved. I also loved volcano.

Did you cry? Did you cry in Armageddon? No. Oh, wow. I cheer. I love it. Even when Aerosmith is playing. Yeah, I love it.

I cheer. Wow. What did you guys think of speaking of Armageddon? What did you guys think? I know you didn't see it, Bobby, but Vladimir Klitschko just fought this guy. Tyson Fury. Tyson Fury. And after, when Tyson Fury won, he, he grabs the mic, turns to his wife and starts singing

Aerosmith's I Don't Want to Miss a Thing. And it was the most awful display of singing I had ever seen. Have you seen it? No, but just don't do that. Dude, it was so embarrassing. It was seriously like, you just won a title. Don't do karaoke. You just ruined, yeah.

It's like you just ruined your entire moment with that. And people were making fun of it. Like, oh, he sounded like an angel. It's like, no, he didn't. He's a fucking homophobic fucking Bible thumping. Aerosmith's singing douchebag. Whoa. What happened?

You were just happy. I wonder what that other guy that fought on the car, you didn't like him because of his Bible thumping. What's his name? Oh, Joel Romero. Yeah, because after one of his fights, he was like, listen, America, what's wrong with you with your, with your gaze? Joe Rogan defended him.

Why? So Joe Rogan said it's because John Annick didn't, he didn't speak English. So what he meant to say, what he meant to say was don't forget America, don't forget about Jesus. But when he was broken up, it was no for gay Jesus. No for gay Jesus. And there was don't forget about Jesus. Oh, no, forget Jesus.

Yeah, America, don't forget about Jesus. But it came off on air as America, no for gay Jesus. Okay, here's my thing about that. I totally respect the fact when people try to learn English in this country, but it's the same reason why the Philippines will never win Miss Universe. We just refuse a translator. And sometimes your points cannot be conveyed properly. And you sound like an idiot when you try to speak a language that's not your mother

tongue in front of millions and millions of people. You think that's why we don't win? That's why we never win. I think it's because of our faces. Are you kidding me? We were always in the top five in the last five years of Miss Universe. And this last girl who was supposed to win, her name was Venus Raj Gorgeous Girl. That's not her real name.

Her name's Venus, yeah. I mean, amazingly gorgeous girl. This was like two years ago. And as soon as she grabbed the mic, you could tell that English is just not her first language. And it was, and she just kept insisting on answering in English. And I was like, fuck, it's over. Game fucking over. Let me see a photo.

I'll show you. Venus of Venus Raj. Venus of Venus Raj. I'll just tell you if she's gorgeous. R-O-D-G-E? No, R-A-J. Oh, R-A-J. Jesus.

Get it. Get it. She's a dark-skinned, beautiful Filipina, not even Mestisa, which I love. Oh, I like Mestisa. I don't like this. She's beautiful. Yeah, but she's not Mestisa. Fuck you, Gilbert.

You're not Mestisa. You have dark skin. What's your problem with dark-skinned Filipinos? That's why I don't mate with them. You're a dark-skinned. I know. I know. With, like, the most Filipino face I've ever seen.

You're a fucking betrayer of your own people. How dare you. How dare you. How fucking dare you. You're a girlfriend as I am a Korean. It doesn't matter. It's not like I saw... We just met accidentally.

Accidentally through Tinder? I mean, we... Tinder is an accident. No, first of all, it's not like she's the only one I swiped right for. He had plenty. I swiped a thousand times. I know. You probably didn't swipe right for a Korean girl with a stretched face.

How do you know? Because you winked. And then when you say stretched face, I'm beginning to really get offended by that. What do you mean by that, sir? I don't know. You're the one who calls me pan-faced. Pan-faced. Goot face.

You are. He said he doesn't want to date anybody who has a big... You are. Gilbert says that he doesn't want to date anyone with a big stretched face like himself. He's trying to counter his own genes. For the sake of my child. Why? And so if your child has a stretchy face, what the fuck happens then?

Oh, that's not going to happen. No, but if it did, what would happen? I'm going to have to bully my child. You are brainwashed, sir. You think that the idea of beauty is European? Don't we talk about this every fucking episode? No, I'm okay with other... If you mix race.

Why does it have to be mixed? Yeah. I mean, I'm saying like, why can't a dark-skinned Filipino like yourself be considered attractive? Because you guys... Do you guys find me attractive? Yes. I think you're very attractive. I think you're very attractive.

You can't call someone a tiki face. I think they're attractive. Look, listen, this is what he said. I showed a picture of my niece in her prom dress. Don't say that. She's beautiful. She's gorgeous. And then he goes...

She's beautiful. Oh, she looks so Filipino. Like as if to be like, whoa, she's ugly because my niece has dark skin. She's tall. She has like... And I was like, what the fuck, Gilbert? She was not no offense or anything, but like, oh my God, she looks so Filipino. I was like, Jesus Christ.

What the fuck? You're ashamed of your roots, Gilbert? I just know we have Filipino listeners that are female and I love all of you. Oh, but if you... Filipino girl listeners... You've got the most beautiful vaginas. You better be half or else Gilbert will not talk to you or even swipe right to you. That's not true.

We need to teach you a lesson, sir. I'm going to say something to you, my friend. There's a mic so you can say it. Your attitude right now... I feel like the attack... I'm going to kick you in the fucking face right now. I feel attacked. Your attitude right now has to stop.

Okay, that's not right. Because you attack flat-faced Filipinos and Koreans. Yeah, exactly. And Koreans. And let me say this, okay? For many, many years, many, many, many years, I looked in the mirror and I literally was disgusted with what I saw. I did.

I'm just telling you right now, dude. I would look in the mirror and I would really tremble and like, what's this fucking hideous creature performing? Just looking at yourself? Yeah. And I used to look at my parents and go, why did you breathe? Because you bred people that look like you. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But you know what, dude? If I was anybody else, I don't think... Or the way I look, if I didn't look like the way I did, I don't think I would have done what I've done. I feel like some of the things I've gotten is because of the way I am. I agree. I would agree.

Yeah. You know, I feel like, you know, sometimes when you, you're small and you're like, weird looking and you don't fit in, that causes pain, spiritual pain, which motivates you to do stand-up or something crazy. And I think that I wouldn't change anything about myself, right? So your little flat-faced, stretchy face kids would be like, maybe suffer a little bit, but maybe they change and they grow and they may become something amazing. Or you just hope that by the next generation that the idea of beauty is completely altered

than what it is right now. That's right. So it's like, the reason you hated yourself, Bobby, is because that wasn't the idea of beauty at that time. But guess what? It is now, baby. No. And your little mustache.

Not the way I look. Super sexy. The way I look was always... I look like a cartoon. I'm fine with it, though. I feel like your greatest career move is your mustache. I feel like I didn't respect you until you grew that mustache. Why?

That's ridiculous. That's also insane, but okay. I feel like so much of your cuteness and expressive features is enhanced because of your mustache. You look a little flatter-faced, I guess, without it. You lack dimension. That's what it is. You lack overall dimension and expression without it. Okay.

I rest my face. I meant he was a blob that has no expression. I did shave my mustache at one point. Why did I do it? For something? Oh, I think for... A role. A role.

So, I had to shave my mustache, and she was okay with it then. You were on an episode of Rest of Development? Well, the new one on Netflix. Oh, yeah. I played a woman. But... He played a real housewife. I wanted a mustache, but they were like, no, can you shave it?

I go, okay. But anyway... But I thought you didn't complain then, but now I know. I'll never show you. Shave it then. Thank you. No, I told you then. You just forgot.

That was like, whoa, that's so weird. I don't think I had sex with you for two weeks after that. It was like looking at a different person. They changed you, you know? When we had sex last night, I felt like you weren't into it. Well, I didn't even come, because you didn't bother to make me come. You guys had sex after I left, but before I got here. After.

After. I just felt like there was a little distance between us. I think that... Because you were at the corner of the room drinking all by yourself. I think there's just a difference in like... I think that you've always been with women who've always wanted to be emotional after sex or during sex, who always wanted to like cuddle, and that's just never been like my approach or style.

I like that. Yeah, I know. You know what? I prayed for somebody like her. I really did, because after you have to make love to a woman, there's like that neediness that they have. Aren't you going to get me a warm towel and then wipe me down and then hold me for like an hour for no reason?

You don't like that? Like basically, as he's still nutting, I already have my pants back on. Yeah, and she's like... And then after that, I throw... She's like the jewel. And then I play the jewel and I throw him a towel. Yeah, she gets me a towel. And now I go, I think to myself, I want to be held for like at least 10 minutes.

Yeah, now he's the one who's asking to be held. I'm the girl now. But you know the difference between men and women is that I think that this is what I read, that the women release like a surge of like oxytocin during climax and like after. So like oxytocin is the hormone that allows you to like bond with people or with children or whatever. Yeah, guys do too. But apparently you guys testosterone itself is like antagonistic to oxytocin and it dampens

the effects of oxytocin and because that's why men aren't as eager to bond post-coital or like after sex. It's not only I don't want to bond, I don't want them around at all. It's like the opposite of that. That's mean. No, it's not mean. After the climax, I don't care what you you say to your girl or how you what you say out loud.

You're tired. There is a part of you that goes get the fuck away from me, you know, but you don't because you don't want to be rude. Yeah, but I feel like this is my question to you then. So let's say for you to both of you. So that feeling of like get the fuck away from me. If then you feel forced to coddle the woman or or bond with her and do these things. Do you then feel resentful towards her for having to do that extra task?

No, because the Lord did something to our bodies and he made a reload mechanism. So at first you don't want to cuddle, but you're doing it, but your fucking sack is reloading. And I call it liquid love and liquid love starts filling your sack up again. And then you're like, oh, yeah, I love her again. Okay, but you don't, I was going to say you, we haven't, we've never gone back to back before. I know because I'm getting old. Yeah.

He can't recharge. When was the last time you guys went back to back? Probably in the very beginning of a relationship. Oh, when you got your stuff. I don't want to talk about it because I feel ashamed of it. I feel weird about it. It's like, you know what I mean? Okay.

Okay. I can't. I can't really love. Okay. Okay. But about last night, about last night, the reason I felt a deeper distance was because I honestly thought you were just going to go to bed because you had been complaining about being like really tired.

And then so I was like watching Netflix or whatever by myself on my own iPad. And then I thought, when you said like, oh, hey babe, can you, and I thought you were going to say, can you just like, you know, give me a kiss goodnight? And then you said, hey babe, can you, without expecting news, can you just like touch my peepee for a little? And I was like, huh, I wasn't expecting that at all. Like cause you look like you were half asleep. Like that.

Yeah. And I was like, wait, what? Yeah. Like I'm 12. And I looked at you and I was like, are you sure? Yeah. She said that. And then I felt like, oh no, she doesn't love me anymore.

You know what I mean? But she did it anyway. You know? Like would love. Yeah. But then I did it. Right. And I got on top.

I did everything. And then he didn't even like bother to like return anything. He was, as soon as he was done, he was just done. He wasn't going to ask if I was done. He's just done. You know, two years in, this is what happens, Gilbert. You guys are like hamsters. What do you mean?

Like this place is your cage, all these toys, but the hamsters, they have sex and then they do their own thing. Like you're always on the TV. She's always on the iPad. You come back for sex. You separate and you eat. And occasionally a Filipino comes in and does a podcast with you occasionally. We spend.

I've never spent so much time with a partner. Yeah. And I love it. I really do. I don't. There's not. I feel relaxed. Like I normally can't sleep even next to another human being really, you know, and like with

her it's like very comfortable. You know what I mean? Even the smells and her energy and everything about it is super comfortable. And it's almost as if I've known her all my life. I really feel that way. But there is a downside to that. And I really think the Italians are onto something when they say like sleep in separate beds because no matter what you do, no matter how much we love each other and how much

bonding goes on between us, the fact is humans get desensitized to each other. So whereas, you know, a year and a half ago, every single time he touched me, I would feel like, oof, like, you know, there was something there was that face. Wow. Nice. Because she lived in Long Beach, right? Then I would have to drive that far to get to her, which is that anticipation. You know, it was like, you know, it was excitement.

Yeah. Right. And then, you know, there's nothing that you can say that's going to hurt my feelings, Bobby. It's true. I'm not saying anything. I'm just trying to be as transparent and open as possible. And now it's like, to me, you're like an appendage.

Yeah. Like you're stuck to me. But the idea, though, of seeing other people or breaking up is like so devastating to me that, you know, I don't know how she feels about it, but like, and it's like we almost broke up like a year ago, right? We almost did. And at that point, if we had separated, yeah, it was really serious over IKEA plates, over IKEA plates.

Yeah. No, but you don't know. It was serious. Yeah. It was really dead serious. She yelled at me because I fed the cats through the IKEA plates and he was like, I can't live this life. And I couldn't.

I couldn't live there. Okay. I literally just snapped. I snapped. Yeah. I go, you know what I mean? It's like, I paid for this place. Let me fucking feed.

Yeah. Anyway, I don't want to rehash. Yeah. You know what I mean? But then, you know, when I got back together, I had really questioned like, you know, like, if we get, if I don't bring up with her now, I have to really make a commitment. You know what I mean? And this is because I really have to believe it's going to work.

So it didn't, then I, I fell really deeply in love because I realized that I did want to do this. And now we're like two peas in a pond, you know, and some of that excitement is gone. But I myself have tried, I've been trying things to help, you know, like, I'm not trying to watch porn as much, you know, there have been weeks like last couple of weeks ago, I spent seven days of not even masturbating at all. Like I was, we remember that come that came out. That's pretty good.

It was a huge. Thick and concentrated. Yeah. Very, very, very potent. We don't even know that. There was different colors. Poison. Please.

What? I don't want multicolored sperm. Why? Why would you want multicolored sperm? Have you ever tasted your own sperm? Of course. I think everyone has. Look at me right now.

Have you ever tasted your own sperm? No. Just see yes or no. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. Mom listens. What is that? Why? Your mom listens. Oh yeah. In have it...

you have it. Yeah. Because you nodded that you did. Not on my own. I was forced to by a girl. Really? Yeah. She got tasted on soms.

Oh no. No. Probably because he blew in her mouth and then she probably like made out with him after. Yeah. Oh I get it. Yeah, yeah. No.

You get, you take you've tasted it throw from the tap. Wait. No. No. So you would I drink it worded under your finger and you tasted it that way no no no you have and that's not that's a lot I don't care. No, I'm being I'm telling you how I I'm telling you right now. Do you tell me how my sexual experience? I think that your son is in denial and by the way, this is a sketch is all written out It's it's huge. It's it's mankind. All right, and it's natural. How did the first caveman do it?

I don't mankind. I don't know but yeah I do you think that we would be this advanced in science if people didn't start tasting things Gilbert Yeah, or started realizing that what what's the poisonous and what's not poisonous people actually had to die to figure things like that out So yes, I know for a fact you've tasted your own sperm Never have anyone said it so seriously to me like that. Oh because I'm certain of this It's just I'm not I'm saying I told you how about I mean collected in a Petri dish I'm gonna saute it with butter and garlic I know I'm gonna ask you some questions about what you've eaten from your own body. Okay, ten four. Okay. Here we go

Booger Vulcan what have you eaten your own boogers? Yes? Okay, you're wax Yeah, you've tasted it. Yeah scabs. No. Oh, sweetie, you've never peeled a scab and tasted it. No No, are you there? If you guys let his face suck in his body like a turtle That's like totally not necessary poop. It's crispy though poop for you. No, never never never poop It's been close to your face. You smelled it pee No, I've never tasted my own pee me neither actually maybe we should all try after this podcast I mean people drink it. I'm sure it's sterile. So I want people listening. I'm so sorry

We've gone to this low brow thing, but I really just I'm really I'm not trying to be like those more science Childish about I'm really more curious to see yeah what Gilbert if he's lying to me or not, you know, yeah So, um, how about zit juice? Oh, uh, okay. How are you, babe? zip juice Um, no, babe, because that's uh, that's probably some type of like bacteria in there. I'm not interested me either All right, good. So you're on a curiosity now that you you you stated all those you made a list of all those Liquids I you know, maybe I haven't experimented enough in this life. Maybe I ought to give it a try It's this girl once there's this girl once that in that I

Can't say what city because I don't she's listening. No because I broke I fucking fucked her up here, man So basically I went up. I was to fuck. I told the city I was in Cleveland with Paulie shore, right? We did a show and there was a girl I'm not gonna say her name, but she's like afterwards. I talked to her and like I'm like you should come out to LA And I've never I've said that a million times, but they have never come but she did She came out to LA. We hung out at the comedy store and then that weekend I was playing the whole your company store, right? So, um I'm gonna say this too. I was there with Kelly Kirsten and Jeff Richards and I brought this girl into the condo comedy condo

And she was like one of those girls that played the guitar and wrote poetry And I wanted to tell people about our poetry and her fucking songs that she's written and it's like shut the fuck up Don't do that out loud, right? These are my friends. Yeah, but she did it, right? And so during the day after the one day of night, we had sex but then the next day We had sex again, but it was in the comedy condo and she was bent over and I literally smelled shit I know and guess what? I was doing it from behind and I took my thumbs. I spread open her ass cheeks And there was three hairs Right around her butthole

Right around her butthole one of the hairs had a perfectly round Dingleberry dangling from this butthole hair, right? And when I saw it Because during the day She goes I I just had a vision I go what? That you and I like 20 years from now. We were married. We had kids and stuff And I go I had a vision That we went to fucking CVS and got toilet paper right now

I didn't say that out loud. But that's what I thought, you know And I never saw her again and I really broke her heart because she was like really into me But did you have sex with her afterwards after that? No, that's gross once I see poop in the dingleberry dingleberry along with Butthole hair. I can't do it. That's Sweetheart, I've gone down on you and it smelled like there was definitely a dingleberry. That's your choice though No, I'm saying Why did you go down there? You know what? You're right because I know that he's a nasty motherfucker You're right. You're right. He

He would look like someone that would have you know, a chucker shit still up his ass. Oh, that's So you're right. It's my fault But I'm saying poor girl. That sounds awful. I would be so sad if someone did that to me all for a dingleberry You could just flick that off. You could just did a poop Come on, Bobby Listen to me right now If I've I've been in situations where I've been in a rush and I didn't wipe my ass completely Okay, where I take toilet paper and I do one like swipe, right? Oh, come on one airport

You have time to do more than no, you're at the airport. You hear you're like, you know, I mean your your section being called You gotta go right zone three zone three, right? And and then you you're walking and you go I didn't do it completely. I can tell because it's now an adhesive so you and my cheeks are stuck together Yeah, right, but I have never right I have never like missed a ball of shit That was a little right. Yeah, you know what? You're right It was a little bit reckless of her and a little like maybe It wasn't smeared. It was a perfect ball. You understand what I'm saying? So there's substance to it

There's a core like the movie. You know what I mean? So that's it. I'm sorry. I don't know where this is low brow, but so the republican debate was last night and uh I'm so sorry For those of you who are just really just grossed out. I'm sorry, but these are things that you know, we need to talk about You know sometimes. Yeah, and I'm leaving tonight. I'm going to Fort Lauderdale and um, You know this episode doesn't air until next week this week. So this is the future right now. I'm sorry It's fine because Gilbert is leaving us once again for shite. Um, Chicago. No, say it. You said it, right? What shite town shite town?

But I know but he he hates it when I say things like the bay or you know, I think your parents lived in Atlanta Yeah, but all my other family lives in Chicago. So we all go to Chicago for Christmas. Oh, you do. Yeah, huh But you were just there. No, he was in Atlanta Yeah, but you already saw family But I haven't seen other family and there's some girls I have to see there. We're in Chicago. Yes I don't just waste of money. I would stay home Anyway, that's fine with us with us hermits. Why on earth would Gilbert want to do that? And then you already have acting class tonight, right? Yeah. So how's that going? That's going well

It's good. It's different. I know you don't like it. You don't approve of it. We taking acting classes But I didn't get booked on mad tv at the young age of 20. So I have to figure out ways. He didn't get it till 30 I was the 30 they were 22. No, I got started stand up at 23 Yeah, I struck over seven years. I look so young in the pictures. Yeah, I was 30 when I got it. What? Yeah Damn, I thought you were like 21. No, your face was so smooth. I'm smooth now. And you were very tan. Yeah, I know Why were you so tan? I just I just evolved. I don't know to become pale You've evolved to become what I'm saying to you is this is that it's like

You can take me I took the classes. So I'm not I'm not judging you for it Look, would you rather have me be a lazy actor that just waits for something to happen or try to make? You know make moves You know, you're right. I mean, you know, you're in the you know, you're actually acting in the classes and stuff It's just those exercises are so fucking retarded. Oh, but this one's not one of those bullshit. I can't do my eyes That's bullshit. Yeah, okay. There's there's what you just break down scenes. This is just script So it's just getting used to just going to the audition room that actually would help someone like me. Yeah So it's not like

Bobby you have a yellow shirt I have a yellow shirt Then you go ahead and do me Well, no, that's not you don't even know how to do repetitions then but we do are you okay? Well, yeah, I did flunk out of the miser class. Yeah. Yeah in miser technique, right? If they have this thing called repetitions and basically It's I don't even know exactly what the wet why they do it But I think it has to do with like impulse and being naturally like just listening and then like you mean

Naturally and organically Responding so basically I say something like I like your red shirt And then you say I have a red shirt. I have you like my red shirt. Oh, I like your red shirt You you like my red, you know, man, you go back and forth like that And I spent thousands of dollars doing that And I've never like it didn't help me. Yeah It doesn't help But you know because then I started going to doing commercials and they go say, um

Um poopy-doop and then walk out of the room and you do it and they go, okay, you got it. Yeah. How is that fucking acting exactly? What are you doing, babe? I was at this I was buying baby clothes um For a friend of mine. Let's have some background on that No, I was for my godson's one is um Four and the other one is eight months So I went to the shop on hillhurst and I was looking for baby clothes

And then the I was talking to like the lady who was whatever the vendor or whatever And then she said something that got me to think like You know how being gay is such an acceptable thing or at least like in california and certain parts of the world, right? Like do you think that there are it's a possibility? Like, you know how some parents are so adamantly Against the gay lifestyle. They will teach their kids if their kid is even potentially gay They'll send their kids to like gay camp and like try to reverse their homosexuality or whatever They should But do you think that there are parents out there?

Is this a possibility in the future for parents to actually raise their kids to be gay because they want gay children That's wrong too. I mean, of course everything any type of forcing anyone to be one sexuality other is wrong But I'm saying is that something that we're going to hear about in the news or like is that a possibility? No But then I asked this to gilbert today And then he heard something on a different podcast or a comedian and a woman who really wants her children to be gay gay Yeah, she really why because she said she wants to have a she grew up in a very white conservative family She wants to be a cultured family. Yeah, how she's like pressing it on her kids when you do that

Then you you know what you end up that then then that's how the movie psychos to happen. Yep Right. Why it's just a creepy old mother who wants their son to be a certain way And then and then she dies and he owns a hotel or a motel You know man and the people stop by and they get sliced up and stuff But I could see how like for instance if I was in LA like gay people stay winning, you know Over here, you know, it's it's Sort of they're on top. They're the lot of your economy right here. What do you mean? Like you're on top. Yeah, like they're winning out here in LA

It listen, okay It you the whole point of it is you are what you are Okay, and and whatever you are people should just accept All right, that's all I don't even know what you're talking about. That's all I wanted to say, okay Like if my kid is gay, he's fucking gay. Mm-hmm, you know, good luck living with uncle steve I Won't I'm not gonna kick out our gay kid

Well, no, because you we talked about this before you said that if we were To have children that you would be worried about leaving them with uncle steve Oh What? No, I'm not saying listen, my brother would never molest my kids It's a fact. This is a fact. Yeah. Yeah, I thought I was fine. It's not that it's just little things like You know him my brother babysitting my kids and all of a sudden one of them catches on fire It's not about like molestation. It's about influence. Yeah about him. Yeah, but you know what?

I don't even think that because it's like when steve takes care of the kitties It's fine. The kids kitties are fine. He is so militant. You're very militant. Yeah, so I don't know why I said that before Steve if you're listening you can take care of my kids Nice, you know and our pets forever and our pets forever. I actually think he's really responsible Yes, we have a question or no Unhelpful advice with bobby lee and kalala k This is from Andrew

I need some advice from you guys last year. I started a new school on my first day Two girls asked me for my number and a week or so later. I found out they were sisters I stopped talking to a young to the younger sister and I ended up dating the older one We decided not to tell anyone because it was a small school and it would be weird Then she graduated and the younger sister started texting me and we ended up dating and people found out and always gave me Shit about it. They both started talking to me and they both asked me out. Am I a terrible person? Oh It's like here's the thing. Okay, so

You should he dated the older one at first and then the and the young one didn't know that they dated and then What happened to the older one now? He's dating the younger one. Does the older one know that he's dating the younger one I don't think they either them. No, but it's all going down and then two sisters that don't know He's in high school. Yeah, that's maybe no. Here's what I'm going to say right now. Okay that I don't give a fuck because if these two sisters Don't know each about each other's lives They're not sisters. They're not really it's close. Who gives a fuck, but that's not what he said though

Oh, let me just say this right now. Okay, right? Let's say I went to high school with you and Kawinda And I started doing quinder for a year Would you know about it? Absolutely. That's my sister exactly. All right, and then if we broke up Would you know about it? Okay, and then if I started dating you, would you know about it? Yeah, and kawinda would know about it. Yes, right. So what the fuck is this thing?

So what his main question is what is it fucked up of him to be dating the younger sister now? Yeah Fuck the mom too, man. Go at it You know I actually I I know these two sisters who claim to be really close And they've dated the same guy before they're older now. They're in their 30s now But this has happened when they were younger and the younger one is actually still with the same guy And she has like four kids with him now

But um, so he this guy dated the older sister for a few years And then the younger sister moved to the states and then the guy also moved to the states and ended up with a younger sister And started this whole family and everyone knows about it. They're actually from the Philippines too And um, you know life just goes on like when you get like what happens when you're a teenager doesn't fucking matter anyways I know so dating this guy in high school who gives a fuck plus the sisters like it just doesn't matter relationships at that age Don't fucking matter. Did you and quinda ever share a guy? Never ever Like like I I've I've actually never hooked up with anybody that my friends have ever dated to me There's an automatic wall and like this gust for them like I've never lusted over a friend's dude

No matter how good looking he is Immediately, there's a there's a wall that comes down and I'm just like, oh, that's totally out of my I don't think that's okay You and Steve never not only that it's I won't like Like if my best friend charlie was dating a girl they broke up And then I saw the girl at a party and she was hitting on me. I would just end it right there's no way If there's just there's just a rule like a hidden rule out there No matter how hot they are It's just no way. You're right, sweetie. We're we're we're there together. You know, which is so if coli lenn

I ever break up which I hope it doesn't you can't date her dude. I'm not going to. Why do you think I want to do this? I don't think let me say let me say something right now and you can hold me to this for the rest of my life Should anything happen between me and bobby? You will never ever see me be with anyone remotely even close to his circle of comedy or anything of that sort It's just I've met enough people around him to know like I could never Listen to that delia brian callan I would never have that fan. Oh god. What is she? Oh my

Hold on unless you cheated on me then I would date that fan and that would be your punishment. No, that would be your punishment Oh my god, and I would pay I would seriously fix his account so much and at every every picture that I have of him and I Show this is look listen if if we broke up, right? Yeah, I would him and I would take a lot of pictures on his page and like really sexual ones And I would hashtag bobby lee and you would do that right like five times and then you know what I would do What I would have every comic in the pen or follow it and we would laugh And laugh and giggle for the rest of you know what they say about laughter There's a fine line between pain and laughter. Yeah, there is that is true. That is true

So that that laughter might be in genuine. I'm going to say this. I know for a fact for a fact That just the idea that you're sucking dad fans dick What if I go another podcast and I'm like, oh my god, it's so much bigger than bobby's Listen, I'll tell you. Well, let me say this right now. Okay. It's a real car. Let me say this right now. Okay I already know What my dick looks like and I say it out loud in public. It looks disgusting. Yeah, I said there's nine different colors It's gray or whatever it might be right. I already know his dick is probably bigger and probably was more functional All right, that's not what the thing is. All right. I'm gonna fuck

I just think that if you suck the dad fans dick, it'd be funny to me. That's all I think that it wouldn't vomit Look, you'd be on the set of bones though. Keep that in mind I would be on a set of bones all day, which would be really hard I think that might spiritually rape me But all I'm saying is that you say now that you you would find it funny. All good But I know you bobby We are soul sisters I know that deep down inside no matter how much you laugh about it with your friends that it would eat chunks away from your heart

Why I'm not in competition with the guy. I love them Well, okay, let's let's let's try the social experiment that fan, you know, give me slide a message into my dm We'll see where this goes. Anyway, thanks for listening to another episode of tiger belly guys. It ended weird They ended pretty strong it ended weird and um We but we love follow that fan at datfan.com and um And we uh, we'll see you the next time So make sure you follow us on twitter at the Follow us on twitter at the tiger belly and on instagram at at tiger belly. Check out our website

www.thetigerbelly.com. We'll have our updated stuff for the contest. There are some good great submissions out there Uh, right claula. We saw a couple that we like. Yeah, but keep making them What kalala wants definitely is she still hasn't seen someone dance Someone dance to shadow gook and put it on instagram But that's not necessarily going to be the the winner though and also I feel like before your own music you me and bobby You're a little bit confused about the contest itself because we don't even know what submissions get what prize So we're still trying to you will get something figure it out Yeah, yeah, yeah, there are prizes for sure one of them is a naked spa date

So in the naked spa date with bobby, you're going to write gilbert Yeah, that's actually a naked spa date with gilbert and bobby and then gilbert's gonna mount um a gopro on his nutsack I was gonna mount bobby You get to watch actually the winner gets to be mounted by gilbert and bobby They did one of those like cheerleading pyramids. God any show dates? um Top your head. Yes um

January 5th through 7th edmonton canada at the comic strip january 15th through 17th at the urvine improv january 21st at 23rd at hilarities in cleveland, ohio Ooh, that's where that girl is from. Yeah the dingleberry She might be there. You're listening. Say hi. Well, no, she probably hates him now because he's shallow um And you can find the links to buy those tickets on bobby's website at bobbyleelive.com And we will see you next week. Bye Hey

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