TigerBelly - Episode 47: Bacon Man

Episode Date: June 29, 2016

Bobby get vulnerable. Khalyla doesn't like downward hooks. Gilbert points northeast. We talk torture tactics, diphenhydramine turbo orgasms, and spinal jerks.   Recorded June 27, 2016 Music by Bobby Lee Instagram: @tigerbelly Twitter: @thetigerbelly YouTube.com/tigerbelly Facebook: thetigerbelly www.thetigerbelly.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today Hey So I want the countdown Okay, five welcome Five five four three two one Tiger Belly Bobby Lee Gilbert go low we got Koala GPD is gone so we have John John from maker studios helping us out and we got GPD is um cousin yeah Bryce and

Welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly Last Sunday's I want to open up with last Sunday's game of thrones We have a new cameraman here like I said John he's he works at maker And he just told me that he doesn't watch a game of thrones when people say that It really boggles my mind But what do you watch then what do you watch John? Orange is a new black. Okay, you saw the whole thing. Okay. Congratulations. What? Oh, I like bloodline. That's a good one Yeah, but when I got game of thrones

Okay, I think he smokes too much pot and that's the reason why Stone is like, dude, I don't want to get into it, bro I don't even get a lot of white people and shit. Do you know what I mean? They get into that whole thing I feel like stoners would actually be really into it because they get all you know Philosophical about things pretty quickly. No because there's too many characters to follow and all that kind of stuff You know my attention. Yeah, you know when I smoke weed my attention spans pretty shitty. I can focus I can get real deep For two seconds about one subject and then move on and I'll forget what I was talking about the last time I smoke pot which is like over 14 years ago. I was in an apartment in

In Silverlake and I was detoxing detoxing off of Vicodin So I tried to drink alcohol and pot to get over, you know, I'm in the detox Wait to counter it? Yeah, to counter it. Great detox plan. Let me just throw that out there But then I had this friend of mine who was a comment I'm gonna name his name in my apartment, you know, and we're smoking pot and then we started watching the ring and Then I was high and I turned around and I swore to God He said hey, can you suck my dick? My friend said that or you thought maybe I'm asking you so high you're so high. No, you just said that and

So I remember looking at him and he goes, hey, man You want to suck each other's dick or something like that and I looked at him and I went in my head I'm like, he's not gay. I know he's not gay and you know, I know who it is I know you know who it is. Yeah, and never to but he's always had that vibe that he might be gay He's married. Don't okay. That's enough. It's too much. We're not that's enough, right? But are you sure he said that? Yes, he did say that he looked at me and he goes Let's suck each other's dick and I looked at him and then started watching the ring and I remember for an hour Of the ring. It just made it more terrifying

Wait describe that though if not because you're like, you know like you see this creepy girl coming out of a well Yeah, but then all of a sudden, you know, there's a dick in the room That wants to like waiting to pierce. Yeah, so I remember that and so that was one of the last times I smoke pot Was that okay? Anyway, um, how did you deflect that? Did you say no, bro? You know, you know, you whenever somebody says that and anyone listening to this podcast In any situation if you're not gay and you're with a guy, you know, he's not gay and he says Let me suck each other's dick. What you do is you pretend he never said it pretend. You don't hear it Yeah, you just kind of go you know what I'm just gonna let that slide by because the reality and if I let the sink in is

Eat the fist fight Yeah, or or you know me the alternative is I don't like the alternative. Yeah, you see there. What the fuck you say I just said threw it out there and then you'd be like fuck you dog Yeah, man, I don't fucking get you know me. It's that Or then you physically something you fucking You know me and you have to say something you don't want to say about the LGBT and then it's like it's a whole thing So you just let it go. You can't just say like, hey, no, thank you, dude. All right, say it to me Gilbert. Hey, dude I suck my dick

No, thank you, dude. No, that doesn't work now it makes me think like he wants me Yeah, yeah, I also let I let a little pause the pause. Yeah, the pause wasn't good I'm gonna do it in a different tone. Say it again. Hey No, thank you, dude That feels so much that's so much better. I didn't want to suck it. Yeah. Yeah, but it's already escalated if you're saying it like The comics are a weird breed where um, I've seen a lot of comedians as penises I've seen Paulie Shores probably about 22 times Mm-hmm 25 20 to 25. He has a crystal. Yeah, maybe two or three times

Nice a nice one. Wouldn't you say nice straight to the left to the right downwards? It doesn't have it doesn't have a hook to it or a aura a little turn one time I hooked up with this guy with a downward hook. It was the weirdest thing. I know what that is It's just you because he pulls it down when he jerks off Oh, I know over the years of doing that it hooks downwards whatever the side your penis goes Is where you lean when you jerk off? Do you know that my god does not make any sense? Yes, it does. It's through Um, I'm it's like it's like what happened to the little statue in Paris What's that you? Oh, what's that Paris with the little it leans? We're power a piece of it. Yeah, the

No god did it. Oh, yeah during the holy war during the holy war. He was mad. He was like fuck this statue And he was drinking it off. So do you think that he fucked up then? He was a he who this guy with a downward hook penis. Yeah, that's how he did it No, or if I saw his grandfather's penis, he had a downward. Maybe it's hereditary genetics. Yeah I don't know because I don't know his grandfather. I don't even know the person you're talking about Like I don't even know how to suck this. Don't suck it. Well, jeez. Well, yeah, you laugh at it. You have to come from like Basically, you take the photo you laugh at it and you leave the room. So he All these guys with downward penises listening like really embarrassed. No, I mean, I was very intrigued

I still hooked up with him. It didn't stop me, but I didn't let it enter me Like I kind of like jerked it off. I didn't know what to do with it. So what is yours hooked to my goes ford Slightly up to the right. That's too complex. No, I know you're the right. So you're left-handed. I'm right-handed That's what I'm saying. It makes no sense to the right like that. First of all, that's not science, Bobby You can't just say that Okay, so it's go straight to the right but slightly north. Yeah, so I so to get the g-spot I can't go forward in missionary. I have to aim my body to the left and put her leg over Also bullshit because it's so hard to get the g-spot just based on like sexual just straight sex

To get the g-spot is very hard because you have to go in and up come hit That's why you have an upward. I have upward. I don't know Gilbert. You're bragging right now. It's not bragging I want a straight penis. Oh You did when you were a baby. He just bragged about hitting it. Say I pulled it Stop saying I pulled my baby. You had a normal straight. He's uncircumcised but he can hit your g-spot through the years of Like leaning left to right. I don't know where it leans. You fucked it up I don't like His is really I don't thank you. It's good. I don't like um weird genitalia

It just throws me off. I had this I hook up with this one girl. I was younger She had one lip sticking down, but the other one was tucked inside Wait, see me one was out. Yeah one was You sure you just didn't follow it looked like a little fucking kite or something like it was like Like a yeah, like a why did one lip stick out because nothing is symmetrical fully symmetrical in life It's like one tit is bigger than the other one nipples bigger than the other So one lip's gonna hang lower than the other and mine does That's a really really good observation sweetie. Unless you're a supermodel

I'm not completely cleared about it. You're right. Do you know that one leg is slightly shorter than the other two? Yeah Look at my thumbs. Your thumbs are like mongoloids. I know I have the worst-looking thumbs one of them is like a thick fat Thumb it's deformed. I bite it and the other one is Anyway, let's go back to the game of thrones. Yeah Would you like about the episode Gilbert? Just the way it was shot that intro my god never seen anything like that. It's like the godfather. Yes, holy shit Let me see something up right now. Okay. They did a couple of weird things different things

The music was different. Obviously the piano was great, right? The pacing was beautiful And I have to say I think it outdid last week's episode which is very difficult to do. That was tough There's so many crazy things happen now. If you don't like spoiler alerts Don't listen. I'm gonna tell you lots of people die. Oh, yeah, lots of people Marjorie dies Chessboard that's the one person. I didn't want to die. I love Marjorie. I love her too Um, I would have been okay with Olina dying the grandmother her gay brother died. Yes. Yeah, lauras After that shit that happened to him too. I know god

What's sad about him dying is you know, he's going to hell Who lauras the gay brother? Why? Anyway, um Anyway, um, so he's going to anyway Marjorie Marjorie died gay brother died Who else died the high sparrow died good good and all his minions good and um John snowy is the king into the north. No. No. No. No. No. Someone else died the king died Oh, but that but that's also

They didn't mention it because he too is going to hell Yeah, why you don't kill yourself and it's in the bible. You can't jump off towers. Oh, you can't no It's in the bible and so him and the little gay man Are in the hell together in that world high sparrow not happy high sparrow Is not happy now the the the lady that works for the high sparrow the nun the evil nun still alive. She's still alive She's tied up in the mountain. What do you think the mountains doing to her? I'll be honest. I think he's buttfucking her No, I don't think I would you go. I'll go there because seriously you go straight to buttfucking No, because that's unholy that's the worst pain you can inflict on a no

He's frankenstein frankenstein doesn't have a libido anymore. He doesn't want to fuck He just wants to Roll him around and fuck shit up. He doesn't want to actually like Intercourses beating her. No, I think he's putting like glass shards in her eyeballs So things like that, you know, you know, you know what I would do what I would take like You know how you do like the vising droplet. Yeah, so I would take one of those, right? And um, I would take the green wildfire that killed everybody Yeah, and just do a little droplet inside her pussy just to see what happens as an experiment

So he's gonna burn her cervix. Yeah Oof. Okay, so if you had to torture you Bobby Let's suppose let's suppose somebody could not kidnap your brother steve And tortured him and it was the most gruesome death ever and you finally have the chance It's like, um, what's that? I saw the devil is it? Yeah And now you have the chance to actually Torture the person who killed your brother. What would be your first choice of torture waterboarding? No, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Here it goes

What I would do is I would it would be a long Task it would be a long event probably a 10-year event. Oh a torturing. Yeah, I'd find a dungeon. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'd find a dungeon You want a prisoner? All right. Yeah. Yeah, and um I would do little things like um, if it's a woman or a man that tortured my brother. Let's start with man A man, okay. Well, he no would no longer have genitals immediately first thing. Yeah. Wow. Ramsey Bolton. Okay. No, but he would eat it But I wouldn't cook it. You know, man I'd chop it a little bit and stick it in his mouth is penis penis tartar. Yeah, raw. Yeah, raw And then what I would do is um, let's stick my dick where the penis was

So you're saying you're gonna chop his dick off feed it to him and you're gonna fuck him in his hole His open. It's not a hole. Bobby. It's a penis hole. It's not a hole. It's the vast difference. There might be a hole I'm not a doctor. There might be a hole. There's a hole, but I would just do you come or do you not? No, it's not sexual So it's not sexual. It's power. How do you put your soft dick in there? There's only what you you would put your soft. You just shove your little no, sweetie I would bring you you and I go to the other room. Yeah, wait, so she's there too. Oh, I'm drinking you off and then you run In the hole And I'll run in and I'll do a couple of fucking stabs stabs. Yeah, my brother

How dare you? You know me and then I run back in You know, but that's just day one. That's day one. Yeah. Yeah day two And then what I'd probably do is I'll probably have like a little like aquarium and stick her body halfway in the aquarium Have piranhas in it and just to eat that little hole where the fucking genital was Little jab We said stop it. Stop it. I'll pull him up, right? Here's another thing I would do I would do that thing where I was I would do one dip the dip of Boiling water took this out. I told you about what the japanese do the koreans when they were occupying

Yeah, korea where they would hang them upside down, right? Dangle them from a tree and then dip their body in boiling water Their whole body just submersed in boiling water stick it out and then they would wait a little body Right, I would do one dip just one. Yeah on day three day three. Okay, and that would put a tattoo on a just bacon man Except people people saw you put a stamp that says bacon man because he would look like bacon Just don't kill my brother don't kill my brother don't stand and we're cool We're all good and bacon man. Yeah. Yeah, he's crispy. Yeah, he's crispy So just don't do that. I don't want to get to this hatred anger way. Yeah. This is the anger way. Yeah, you know But um, anyway back to the episode, um, I'm really worried also about um, aria stark

Yeah She got that look in her eyes. Yeah, but she fed she tried to feed she did what you want to do Yeah, but the word where do you think there was dicks in that meat pie? Come on You know, you know what that's not holy What to eat dick? Yeah No, forget that dick part. No forget that dick part. You know what I would do If I were to you know make somebody eat somebody else, I would just save the dick What do you mean save it to have it? Oh like a trophy

It's kind of mounted. Let's take a necklace out of it. I don't know You know, I mean if I was a king in um, you know um, that world I would have a gigantic necklace of just Dicks king dicks king dicks. Yeah, and I'd walk around and I would just have black one Maybe one yellow one because of Asian king. I killed Right. Yeah, what's with there's no Asian think let's dick a little tiny one. You know what I mean the midget one

Midgets don't have small dicks. Yeah, and I would have just Just one baby one just to have it. Yeah, I wouldn't kill a baby I would just find a dead baby and then just have it on there. Yeah, that's that's that's that's what you can't wear It is a badge of honor dummy. I'd make a ring then I'll make a ring out of the baby. Wow. Yeah, absolutely, right and you're my king You're the hand of the king, aren't you? Yeah, you'll be my hand. Oh, can I be the hand? Yeah. Yeah. Yes What the fuck am I? You're the queen Oh, bitch. Can I be Cersei? No, we're different than them. Wait, you're Kalayla

So if of all the characters in the six seasons thus far, who do you relate to the most? Who is closest to I think I'm a combination You can't be a combo. I am a combo because I'm complex Okay Snowflake. Yeah, I think I'm a combination between Um Sansa Stark The old Sansa the old no the young one the innocent one. Yeah And Ramsay Bolton. Oh lord. I have that side. No

why Baby, there was nothing there was really dark Ramsay Bolton had zero redeemable traits about him Okay, if I showed up on the game of thrones and I had king dicks around my neck I think people would be like that guy's like unreasonable and weird But would you feel bad about it after like thinking about it? No, you have too much of a conscience to ever be Ramsay Bolton Okay, forget it then If I'm living with somebody who's half Ramsay Bolton, tell me now. Yeah, because I will pack my bags and leave Well, you and I fake rape scenes and stuff. Oh, you know what we did

We got into something really new Oh, what are these fake rapes? No, it wasn't the last role play that we did last week was totally not rape involved It was really strange. Yeah, we pretended that I tried something new Yeah, so he started telling me like hey, you know, hey, I'm really old, huh? I'm like, yeah, you are you should just lay on your back and relax, you know And then what did I do, baby? Did I do this? Yeah, he does this baby I did this on my back and I just kind of laid there. I could just do the work Yeah, you changed your voice too. Yeah, he's like, I'm an old man now. So he pretended he was an 80 year old

Yeah, 80 year old man and she was like sucking me off. Yeah. It was a good one. What was her dialogue exchange? There was Well, I went ooh, ooh, that feels good stuff like that. You like careful my arthritis. Yeah Yeah, wait. Good vault my back. Yeah. Yeah He had to be very good. That was a good one, baby. Good job. Count it out. Very lazy, lazy, lazy lover lately I'm a lazy lover. Zero work, two calories burned. Yeah, the whole The whole 20 minutes. Wait, have you stopped the uh, because in my 20s, I did all that. He stopped moving. He just stopped moving all that in my 20s. True. Oh, it's just kaka, kaka, kaka, kaka, kaka all day In the beginning of our relationship, it was all power moves, like all power fucking

You know what I mean? Well, you go like that. Damn, machine gun, machine gun. Don't like that. Heavy machine gun Are you still doing forced butt licks or is that done? That's fun. It's before his butt licks are not sexual. They're like, it's rape. That's a rapey. And I, you know what? Because of Bill Cosby, I can't do that anymore. Yeah, you can't anymore, baby. Yeah, his, his career Not good. True, not in a good place. True fact. True hot. Um, so then at the end of Game of Thrones, um Love how we always look back. I want to talk, no, I want to talk about this lady girl, the girl, the Marmont house, the Marmont girl. That ass. Yeah, lady Marmont. Let me tell you, there's this little girl in Game of Thrones. She must be, I don't know, 11, 12 years old. Something like that. Okay.

She, now imagine It's a show on HBO It's probably the best show One of the best shows HBO's ever produced, right? It's a cultural phenomenon It's a scene where there's probably 150 men In a room, like a castle, right? And she has to stand up. She's the only kid there And, and

Run the room as an actress. Her role is I'm going to command this room and I'm going to say some shit That's going to make everyone pay attention to me and take me seriously And she does it so well in my head. I'm like Well, how do you do that? How do you show up on a set like that? Like me, I made the Keeping Up with the Joneses trailer, by the way. Check out the trailer You know, just a little split snippet of me and Zach Gaffelnack as John Hamm, but I made a little snippet, by the way But even me, when I was doing that, I was nervous and like, I don't know what I'm doing And these are my thought process

But that's the beauty about children. They have no hang-ups. It's the same reason why when I teach swimming, I hate teaching adults I love teaching kids. They just get it. It's almost inherently They're like sponges. They don't have accumulated fears of failures That's exactly what it is. I was trying to pinpoint what it is But that's exactly what it is. No fear. No, I've had years. I see years of bombing Years of bombing and failing and social like even social things of like, I know The weight of what I'm doing like in terms of like This is you know in my head. I'm like this could really propel my career

But you put more fucking pressure on yourself What if it goes wrong because I've been on sets where I was so nervous that it was weird, you know, I mean But like this girl doesn't have any of those like fears and and things No, I remember being 11 12 and being totally fearless and going up into situations and just you know Just owning situations and then as an adult I've turned into a fucking pussy, you know, I'm scared of everything Yeah, it's like just life just makes you fear Consequence it does

Her name is bella ramsey by the way. That's her name actress. Oh cool bella ramsey Well bella congratulations. You have a really really good career ahead of you. I really was She's my MVP. She really killed it And then the last scene of the geothrones Geo thrones is this um It seems as though that the the grand war is gonna happen. Yeah Khaleesi and her um dragons and her with the um, what are the squid people called the gray joys the gray joys and um Dorn Dorn

Dorn got there and so um and it's Versus really surse. Yeah But what does she have though? But what does she have? She has madness like her dad and a sweet She's basically the mad king and a sweet outfit. She really is a very Outdoor really is the mad king now. She's a mad queen. She blew up that shit Because she doesn't have any more children. So she doesn't have She's gonna go, you know, there was a point at which she sort of still sided with sursey like not sided with her But you could see you could understand some of her actions because she had so much love for her children

Now they're all three kids are dead. What the fuck else is she got to lose? She's gonna go crazy She has nothing left to lose and when she was on that throne it was put chills on my spine me too Like that child. Didn't you feel like yeah, bitch? Like yeah, like I kind of you did There was something no, I didn't say yeah, bitch. You killed 30,000 people, bitch Your son killed himself 20 minutes ago, but you're on the throne like hey, look at my shit, bitch. Yeah, bitch I know I am not the only one that felt like wow. She fucking did it Because I she was just so down in the bottom of the barrel just completely helpless The writing right the patience of the I it feels like

They all knew the showrunners that it was gonna lead up to this point So when you look back on all the little steps and things right you respect it That much more people have problems with the show, you know, I mean like in the book. They didn't do that Where's Lady Stoneheart or whatever? But it's like Imagine watching it not knowing anything about the books and just using it Watching it through just sheer entertainment purposes. I really like it. My brother is hooked My brother loves it obsessed with it. Now we have to wait a long nine months. I've been on for so long You know what but that's fine

Because I have destiny now again. Oh, how's that been? awful You were never going back to fall out. Would you say that? A new dlc came out last we got even to play it. He hasn't he's full on destiny I didn't even tempt you at all. You ever held like a few episodes ago. You said you were so done with destiny It's such a far memory a distant memory I'm going to tell you what happened you two Okay, I really believe that I go. I'm never going to play this stupid game again. It's a point. It's a waste

It's pointless So fallout came out finally. I have a game but I'm building my 50th house in fallout collecting concrete and steel And and I'm building the third floor of this new house on this new land And I'm going why the fuck am I doing this? No one's gonna see this

This is just for me Right, and secondly, this is what happened There's a mexicano. I'm sorry it came out wrong. Yeah, mexican person. Okay. Okay. Thank you for adding person after that I was going to say mexicano, but I said mexicano mexicano mexicano. I'm mexicano comedian named frank You know he works at the comedy store. He's a doorman Him eric griffin and my brother, you know are playing That's in this whole time

So not only do we get it from eric Griffin and steve every day going Come on, dude. It's different. You got to join us Mm-hmm. Please we need your help I have this little mexicano. You know i'm in frank. Hey, bro You got to play with it every time I go to the conference every night He doesn't sound like that by the way. Yeah, you're very white. I still do. I like it. I want to do with that Hey, bro, you got to play with us, bro

Right, and um, I just had enough I'm like, you know what? I have nothing. I'm tired of fallout. So you are tired of fallout. I try I'll try it again. Okay but the Slow graduation back into a hundred percent destiny has not been fun for me because the first night The first night was fairly quiet. There was no screaming. There was no cursing And now we're day nine and all you hear in the middle denies. Fuck you craig Craig you know what I call you craig dust boot because you're a sinking stop marine

Yeah, yeah does crazy shit like he'll tell his brother like you know why you're not in the military because you'd be a Uh, uh, a sergeant like restocking toilet paper and you'd still get killed by a landmine. This is your team. It's like He tells him how much he sucks. They suck. They all suck And he's like i'm not and and they can hear them steve like bobby like you're being a dick. You're being a dick, bro Don't say that. No, no, no stop it You're B. You're awful. No, you're awful. We're even saying that i'm awful. All right, you're not seeing it in context What happened? I hear everything. I know you do but you're not watching and hit these two fools For the last five months when I was playing fallout

They were playing destiny 24 seven. They should be better than you and they should be they should be the leader They should be leading me and teaching me, but they're not they're running around in circles Going we don't know where we're going on right and i'm going this is what you learned in five fucking months you fucks And so let me say something when you and eric griffin is he good? No, but eric griffin Does what I he's in spain. Yeah. Yeah to see his mom So no one's there to like lay down the law Oh, I see so when you talk to people that way because I have the power seat. Yeah. I'm older

Granted girls, you know, I mean nobody knows who they are. Yeah, and I have a little fan base So I have the power right and so I can say things like you fucking losers You know, I mean like kill yourselves. Mm-hmm. You know what when I talk that that you know what happens What does steve do we start winning? Ah because they get angry interesting. It works every time It's like full metal jacket. It's a tactic. That's what he does every time and craig and steve are like What's his name sergeant pile like the fat guy in full metal jacket and he's just the guy screaming in his face You're a boot camp sergeant. Yeah, you are. Yeah Yeah, do it right or don't do it at all

So we're doing this thing called trials of osiris So you're a team of three guys and you fight three other guys. Okay, and there's a little map just pvp Yeah, okay three against three. I'm not exaggerating last night we probably did 46 matches between three random people We won one How did you even want to continue after losing five in a row? I'll tell you why that's so because they give you these bounties And it says if you kill

50 people and you you complete seven matches, right? You you'll get a random gift of a gold tier gift You which is usually I got a really sweet gun the other day, right? So that's what it is, right? That's what it is So you go, you know what we just did 10 matches. We didn't get a single kill, but we need to get 50 kills That's why you have to do 46 fucking matches Damn, I'm just losing though of losing. Yeah, and so it gets to a point where like You know, I mean like Craig Was my brother's you know, I mean neighbor

Nice guy, you know, I mean have you set white nerd sure nice guy, right? And he's trying to go Bobby you go into this room. No Because we did that last time. Oh you died. We all died so my thing is Fend for yourselves So you just go you just go. No, I just leave I want to go fend for yourselves. Oh, you don't do any team No, it's just like let me get my kills. You cannot tell retards what to do in a team situation You know, I'm sorry, but and I know people that have kids that have

mental deficiencies. I apologize But If I'm in a real battle Deficient if I'm real in a real battle and my Platoon are a bunch of people that have down syndrome or you know, I mean stuff like that, right mental situations Sure situation that's better. That's right. Yeah, that's and I'm a sergeant. I'm like hey Toby Yeah, where where I go Yeah, yeah, that's good. Okay. Toby. Yeah, go to that foxhole

Hook up with Tim and flank us. There's a bunny. That that's exactly what it is. I see so you're frustrated. You would be frustrated That's that see what I do. Yeah, there's a bunny and now Toby's out, you know, I mean in another field somewhere chasing a bunny around Yeah, to get shot. Yeah, and we were all dead Wow, these are lives are at stake. So, um And that's why you don't see people with mental deficiencies in the military And that's why whenever I see somebody from the military at one of my shows Where am I seeing them at the airport? I say, thank you for your service I do

God bless you If you're in the military now, God bless you. Thank you for your service. Okay So I'm back in destiny and there's a new thing coming out iron banner tomorrow night and tonight the whole thing's reset. It's a it's a thing But you know, what's positive about my life is is that Tomorrow I'm doing the day. I'm going to mad TV. Nice, and I'm going to write So what's the decision? Are you doing mad TV? I what I've decided to do is I'm going to do two episodes Two episodes how many episodes are there 13 or something and I'm going to do he wants me to do four

I said I committed to two and I'm not a cast member. I'm going to go in And I'm going to maybe host one or two I'm going to do sketches with some of them and um I'm going to see What it's going to be like. Listen, I wouldn't do it If Adam Murray and Amir was was on the show, but they're my friends And will me and will went to the offices last week was a really because they have the same writing staff pretty much

Oh, that's cool. They have my williams. Jim Jim wise they have guy Stevenson. These are guys that I worked with for eight years So they're really friends the showrunner Scott king bruce laddie all those guys are my friend guys I grew started really my show business with And so, you know going in there. So, you know, it's it's family. I don't care when people go You know, you're doing it again. I'll give a fuck I'm doing it. Boom, you know, obviously not for the money. I think there's no money involved

I'm doing it for the franchise and it's my part of my family. Yep and then tomorrow night. We'll go to the love season two Uh, um rap party you going to la la? Yeah, c'laila and I are going. Yeah, you are going. Is there a red carpet? No, it's fun though. It'll be Judd. It'll be Gillian all them Paul. Yeah everyone. Um with tasky You know last year Peel Jordan Peel was there with Paredi and um, Andy Samberg It'll be a big star studded Event and we're gonna go because I was invited. I'm on the fucking show. I'm doing oh you're on the show. I'm doing it

We know Papa No, I'm just saying what people go Matt TV fuck you. Oh, that's what okay. Not make sense. Okay. I was like, why is he telling us I know he's people say people are not Saying that are they? Yeah, I walked into a world. I was at the airport with a Brookstone. Yeah, and the Mexican dude Are you at a Brookstone? You know what he does he buys in excess massage. Those massagers that he puts on his penis Those are for clitorises I'll I'll get them. They're all under the bed. It's private private private. He never uses an army only himself

He vibrates the tip of his dick when he jerks off so it touches the little vibrating there. Bob, explain yourself. I want to talk about what happened at Brookstone. I was there at Brookstone looking at stuff and just Mexican dude that worked. I don't know why I have to be Mexican. So white dude. Just make him white. Alright.

Just make him white for the story. He goes, hey dude, hey bro, did you talk like that to your dad? Okay. He goes, hey man, I really enjoy your earlier work. Oh Jesus. I go, thank you. And then I walked out of Brookstone and for the next nine hours I thought about that. Okay.

He didn't mention anything in mad TV. No, just early work. So when people say I enjoy your earlier work, they only care about mad, what I did on mad and that time period, right? They don't say later work because the shit I'm doing now is obscure almost. Not obscure mainstream. Love? Not that.

I guess. Love is a cool hip show with a bunch of hipsters and it's good quality, you know what I mean? Writing and stuff. But it's not Mike and Molly. You know? Yeah. Got canceled. I know.

Anyway, anyways, explain to us what you do with those massagers. Oh. How does it work? I'm still curious. Wait. I want to know now. Maybe I'm missing out on something. I'm going to tell you.

Because it's one of those double-headed massagers that you put in the back. Yeah. Yeah, it does. It's not even. All right. Okay, okay. They're called Hitachi's. No.

I'm going to explain it if you would let me. I know the ones they use in porn, but you have different ones that don't look like they should even be remotely used for sex at all. I know. They have two things and they're gigantic. Okay? And it has a heavy set. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm going to tell you something right now. Okay. And this is, I'm going to say something very personal and something that I thought I was going to take to my grave. Oh. Oh, wow.

Okay. And I'm going to share it with the viewers and John. I have a very complex sexual disposition. When I was young, I couldn't get laid at all. So before the ages of 23, I had a lot of day jobs, but what I would do is I would go to this place called F Street Bookstore, which is like a porn place. You know how they have those booths in the back? Oh.

Sticky floors. Video stores. And I would spend hours there every night just put coins in and jerk off because I couldn't get girls. Okay. I was ugly. Okay. And nobody wanted me.

And so it forced me into doing stand up when I was 23 because I'm like, I'm never going to get laid if I don't do something that's, you know, maybe I need something shiny. You know, being on stage is what it's like jewelry or, or being born looking like John Hamm. Right. You, you don't have, you know, the town or looks, right? That's got it. Right.

So, you know, I started getting girls after doing stand up, but you still have that, you know, that, that, that old self, you know, and so, um, I jerked off, I jerked off a lot in my twenties. That's normal. No. A lot. Yeah. With your hand, right?

Yeah. With my hands, but a lot. Okay. Okay. And then one day I started with my hands. I just really didn't feel anything. Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Yeah. And then what happened was, uh, what are you looking at? You, you're speaking. I know, but I don't like the way you're looking at me when I'm saying this. Don't look at me. You're very defensive right now. I'm not being very defensive. I'm trying to, I'm trying to be vulnerable.

And then my girlfriend's looking at me like, look at this fucked up piece of shit. That's about to say some fucked up. I, all I asked was to appease my curiosity. I want to hear this story. I'm telling you the fucking story, baby. I know, but you're attacking me for looking in the right direction. You're looking right. That's fine.

I'm so sorry. Everything's fine. Okay. And then the second thing happened. What I discovered is there's this thing called, you ever heard of unisom? No. What is that? It's a sleeping medication.

You get a seven, 11 or not seven, 11 at right eight knocks you out. Right. But if you take a little bit more than the recommended doses, it makes you extremely horny. Oh, like a Viagra. Right. But what happens is I don't know if you look it up online, it only happens to like one or not every 10 people, right?

But my brother has it too, cause we're leased. It's the sensation is insane. Like your orgasms are 50 times more insane. Wow. And your hornyness is 50 times more. So then I took a one day, I took a fucking like a, like a Viagra, but it wasn't for, it was for your back. Okay.

I got it as a gift for like my second year at Matt TV. They gave us like a Christmas gifts and one of them was a massager and I had to, I was putting on my back and I was on unisom and I was like, what would it feel like if I stuck this thing on my dick and I stuck it on my dick? Where are we placing this? On my dick? You're like on the shaft, on the, the head, no, I mean, the first two, you know, you experiment whatever.

Your balls. Yeah. And your balls. I think I probably stuck it on my ass. I don't know. You know. And I did on my dick and I was late at night and the orgasm I had tears. Okay.

I'm not fucking, I'm not fucking tears, tears of pure joy. You know what I mean? And my body went like this. Like my orgasm was like, you know what I mean? Like my body was vibrating. Right. Yeah. It felt, I felt it to the pit of my stomach and that's what hooked you.

So this is why we have, if we've ever had issues with our sex life, it's because he's always wanted to have sex only at night and only after he's had unison because now he always wants to hit this optimal orgasm. And I mean, I'm not kidding you guys. Like you can tell it's, it's a different type of orgasm because he does like a spinal jerk. It's almost like a. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh shit. Oh shit. And it lasts, the spinal jerking lasts for about a minute. No. I swear. He's just like a. Yeah.

He's like a pop locker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really insane. Whoa.

And it's a problem. My brother has the same problem. So he does the same thing. I'll make his, this is okay. I'm, I'm, I told him about it. Oh really? Bob? I go, yeah.

For years I tell him. No, Bob. Really? One night he goes. Hey, we gotta go to Walgreens again. I go, why? I need the jerk off medicine. Jerk off medicine.

It's not even fucking for him. Sleep. So I didn't believe this at first. And then after we talked about it and he opened up to me because he didn't ever want to have sex unless he was on Unislam anymore. Yeah. That's awesome. So I looked it up.

As it turns out. This is the most vulnerable I've ever been. I've never said that out loud before. It only happens to a very, very like minute percentage of people, a very small percent. So very, very few people actually have these effects. Yeah. And the only issue is that he doesn't realize that he's actually destroying my liver. He's destroying his liver.

He takes about nine nights. Not nine. That's ridiculous. He does a handful. I don't do a handful. So the reason why my cat. Four. The reason why my cat.

Half of that. Gunnar has like issues now as an adult with his body. Okay. Now we're getting into some real shit. It's because our cat OD'd on Unislam. Oh. Unislam. And you know that's true.

So we are cat. We woke up and the cat was doing spinal jerks and like wriggling. And then we had to take a little cat orgasm. He would probably might have been having a cat orgasm and then we took him to the vet. Yeah. I can't believe you said that out loud. Now let's say so. Okay.

You didn't do it on purpose. Well, no. I'm like, yeah. You wouldn't pop a lot. Yeah. You wouldn't pop a lot. Yeah. What if you came on one day and me and Gunnar were on the ground?

That's a minute of heaven. Yeah. We had a boy cat. So. Yeah. Yeah. We had to go to the hospital and we had to get a system flushed because he was going to die.

Yeah. Like we walked into the living room and he was like literally doing this. And we saw all these crush because Unislam comes in a gel tab and we saw all these crush gel tabs and that's how we figured out that he had ingested the Unisams. And what do you think? Do you think that you're going to take it for the rest of your life? Obviously my opinions don't weigh anything anymore. So that's when you say stuff like that is you're a little way of going a little digging

a little dagger into my side, but it's like. I hope it's a dagger. I hope that you don't take it personally because you know, I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm going to say something. Okay. I have a lot of flaws. I have good qualities too.

I'm aware of my good qualities. I have a lot of bad qualities. And I have behavioral routines that I do that have just been routine, you know, and it's hard to break. And I admit to you that it is something that I foresee a problem, but it's difficult to break. Same with destiny. It's so difficult for me.

You just have a very, very addictive personality. I do. And it's, it's something I've always had. He can't just eat sunflower seeds like a normal person. Do you go through a whole bag? A whole bag. And he spits it every single corner of the house. There's just seeds everywhere.

You see my car right now. And so now, same thing. It's like, you know, those icies, those frozen little delights, if you can't just have one, look at our freezer. It's just a hundred icies just stacked from bottom to the top. Can I defend myself with the icies or no? Yeah. It's Italian ice.

It's every summer, okay? If you go to CVS or Rydead, there's one company that makes this stuff called Italian ice, right? They're called Wycliffe or something, right? With the singer? I don't know. And they're so delicious. Is that the one that?

It's every summer. Yeah. It is very good. In the net bags? No, not in the net bags. These are not as icy as much as they are. They almost have a creamy consistency to them. They're very, the quality of the ice is very, very good.

It's like, you know, when you go to Korean food and you have popping soup, there's the shitty ice and then there's the really good fluffy ice. Well, this Italian ice is like a fluffy ice. It's pretty good stuff. And they only come out in the summer if you go to the winter, I've asked, where's the Wycliffe? They go, it's only a summer thing. So, every summer, I'll get a, I mean, when we first, last summer, remember I used to

get like 19 boxes of it. Oh, bulk. You just buy bulk. My problem isn't that he eats them. It's that he doesn't know where the trash can is. So there's sticky, sticky plastic wrappers on the side of the bed, in the bed, everywhere I walk, it's icy wrappers. And sunflower seeds.

Yeah. This place is a fucking mess. We have four animals. Yeah. I have a lot of problems. Addictions. Addictions. But you know what?

Our life is good. Mm-hmm. Let's talk about the positives. Okay. Okay. The massage thing with my dick thing, I only did it that one time when you weren't at home. I've been using it on myself since.

Why do you think it's out? Okay, good for you. That's for everyone to use. Yeah. That's all right. And I got a yeast infection after. Oh. That's your bad.

No, that's your bad. Whatever the fuck you put out there. I don't wash it. What? I should have disinfected it. My Christmas ones, Steve gave me a pocket pussy for Christmas. Flashlight. No, a pocket pussy, like an old school one, right?

But it was the one that I gave him 10 years earlier. He re-gifted you a gift from 10 years ago? Yeah. I gave him a pocket pussy 10 years ago, well, 12 years ago now, and then two years ago, he tried to give it back to me, used. It was sticky and it, one of the lips were gone and there was a couple of holes for some reason, like dog bite marks on it. And I'm like, I didn't, I buy, he's like, oh yeah, I forgot, okay, I'll take it back.

It's the thought that you would even think that that would be a Christmas gift, that you wouldn't go out and do it like a normal person and go buy me like a Starbucks gift card or something. Oh my God. You know what, I'm going to use that. He's been really good. He's been really good lately though, yeah, lately he's been really good. He does his little rapping.

He writes in a card. He does. Yeah. And then you throw away whatever he gives you. Well, I, I, I, I couldn't defend yourself. Well, I just don't like bullshit gifts. Like, no, he got you socks. Those are fine, but your fucking gift, bullshit.

It wasn't bullshit. What? Don't like it. Okay, you don't have to like it if it was in bullshit. I want something nice. Oh, wow. What is nice? An iPad.

Hey Gilbert, who's big 20 national commercials, give me an iPad. One day when you make money, I want an iPad. Oh, I'll get you a nice, I'll get you a nice gift when I make money. A computer or something that I can use. He'll be something good. You know what I mean? But stop with this bullshit. It's like rocks.

First of all, don't, excuse me, I've given you rocks. I know, but I mean, her friend Jessica gave me a pillow. What did it say? Nothing. It was. Come on, Jessica. You gave me a pillow. It wasn't a pillow.

It was, it was kind of this little hug thing you could put your iPad on. It doesn't work. Yeah, it does. And it's pointless. No. You could just do this. Yeah, but your little arm, your t-rex arms don't burn. That's not.

Why are you keep calling it t-rex arms? You have hate and penitentiary arms. I don't have it. Why do you have penitentiary arms? I hate and penitentiary arms. Have you seen them? I'm a little chunky right now. He has.

This is the biggest you've ever been now. Yeah, for sure. Really? Oh, yeah, dude. He's five foot three and 175. You do the math. What's the smallest you've been? One.

About five years ago, I weighed about 140. Oh. Yeah. I was going to the gym when I first went to the gym. Every night. And you were on steroids. Yeah, I did some steroids. Yeah.

When you revealed that, I was so shocked. Yo, I think I found some. Is it in the red container? What? Yes, it was. There was a syringe and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

And I thought to myself, oh, my God, I did through it. Why? You're going to use it? What if I want to get buff again? Maybe. What? Think Kevin Randleman. Kimball Slice.

Yeah. Everybody who's ever died. All right. Kevin Randleman. Kimball Slice. Yeah. Kevin Randleman. Kimball Slice.

What do they have similarities? Those two. Oh, I can't believe you said. What are the similarities between the two? They're fighters. They're both big black men and they're fighters. What does that mean? If I was a lawyer, I'd go, I rest my case.

That's how you'd end your case? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I rest my case. Yeah, enough said. What about like Eddie Guerrero or Chris Benoit? I don't know them. They're wrestlers. They're WWE guys.

I don't know them. They went into, you know, Chris Benoit ended up killing his whole family, shooting him on a roid rage. That's what they say in the media. No, babe. All these guys because they in the nineties, Roids were basically equal to gold. Everybody did Roids in the night. Every UFC fighter you've ever even heard of, Don Fry, fucking Ken Shamrock, Tito Ortiz,

all those guys did Roids. Everybody. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Is Don Fry, Tito Ortiz or Coleman dead? No. No. I rest my case.

I can't just keep saying I rest my case. I leave the courtroom. I leave the courtroom and I just rip up paper as confetti and I just walk out of the courtroom. As he does steroids. Yeah. Yeah. All right. You're just pointless what you're saying.

Okay. But I'm glad you threw them away because I don't, you know, it makes me really angry. Yeah. I get rate. Like you don't understand. I go into a rage. More than destiny rage? Oh, no, you have no idea.

No. My steroid rage is like punching holes in the wall. Jesus, man. Yeah. Dude, Roid rage is a bitch. I had a, I knew a guy in, when I used to live in Las Vegas and he was one of the nicest guys you could ever meet, just super sweet. He ended up beating his girlfriend outside of a blockbuster where she worked, like this

is way back in the day. He dragged her by her hair out. She was working in a blockbuster, dragged her by her hair during her lunch, during his lunch break and just started beating the shit out of her to a bloody pulp. And he was the nicest guy ever and he was just Roid raging. Not a nice guy. No, but that turns you thought that she needed a better job. Her business is going under.

I predict in the future. Yeah, it's going to fall and Netflix is going to take it over. Why would you work in a blockbuster? Or even there's a guy on the Bachelorette, the season's Bachelors who's so obviously Roid at his name's Chad. Of course his name's Chad. And he's so disgustingly douchey. But I just can't believe these shows.

Like I didn't even know certain things. And when I did a Kaleila, you turn on the TV and it's like at a certain channel that you don't even know exists. Like that one about the real house rise of Orange Mit, Corn County. Yeah. I look, I like to watch great things and I love to watch garbage things. It's when it's not just garbage. It's like, what is the point of that?

You're watching a bunch of older white ladies rich, who cares? And they're like at a diner and they're arguing each other. I don't give a fuck. It's like a res muck. Yeah. I'm getting ready out. There's nothing I won't watch. I'll watch everything and anything just out of the sheer curiosity.

I mean, you have guilty pleasures. You showed me. What? You go out to talent agencies and watch demo reels of young actors. Yeah, we talked about this. Yeah, but that's not, that's not, that's funny though. That's funny though. That's funny.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I watch people's reels and I go, ah, what a loser. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? But you know, I don't, that's for fun, right? Yeah. It's like when you watch failed hip hop artists or, you know what I mean?

I mean, you just watch any kind of failing things on YouTube. Oh, yeah. You do it through when somebody trips. You do it so you're going to laugh in their fucking faces, right? But her thing is she's being a voyeur and watching a bunch of people and into their lives that why would you even give a fuck? Like, I don't care. First of all, can I just say this?

And this is what I want to say. This is a fact, all right? Having a personality isn't a talent. Do you know why? He has a personality. You know how they go, oh, he's a TV personality. Oh, really? So he's like everyone else.

He just got lucky. What are you talking about? How is the Kardashians talent? There's no talent there. This is a bunch of people that got lucky and a bunch of morons watch them and then all of a sudden they're franchises that are worth millions of dollars and then guys like me look at it and go, wow, that is an absolute crazy thing. It is crazy, but you can't know.

I don't know. You can't knock the idea that let's suppose they did get lucky, right? Let's suppose her sex tape is what catapulted her into this gigantic, you know, fame that she's living in regardless, even if it's just luck alone, I can't hate on that luck. It happened to her. She's making the money and lo and behold, the whole world cares and watches and she's clickbait. But I like to see it from the I'm intrigued by the human condition of obsession of that

type of what we consider no talent. I mean, yes, you do consider it no talent, but there is there's still an there's obviously something to it that people latch onto. And I want to know what it is because maybe I'll get into it. You would try to do a reality show. No, I'm just saying watch it. So sell me what I'm supposed to latch on to. I mean, for girls, say, for instance, the Kardashians, they're all pretty girls from

baby to the old, I want to say this. They're all attracted. I. Okay. They're a mix family, but they're not the hottest. I. So when people say, Oh, but they're hot. They're, they're pretty hot.

Yeah. They're a New York eight LA sevens, sweetie. They're gorgeous girls on sweetie. If I've seen them before in real life, but by the way, I know we both did. Yeah. All right. So that's number one. No, I've seen all of them at one point in my life in my I have seen them with my own

eyeballs. Okay. Yeah. Trust me when I say they're New York eight. All right. They're not New York nines, New York 10. Those are like, you know, I mean, like husbands would maybe consider cheating on their wives for, right?

They're not that. Okay. That's number one. That's number two. What is it? Cause they're Armenian. Armenian. You always say Armenian.

Yeah. I don't. Did I have something to do with it? I want to figure it out. Why I should be watching it. Living vicariously through someone else's life. It's like why people watch our vlogs. No, because I'll tell you why.

Because our vlogs are comedy. It's for a. Not all of them. Sometimes it's just us doing nothing. Yeah, but that's not fucking. First of all, we don't make any money from them, right? We're not. We don't.

We're not Coca-Cola, like the fucking Kardashians are. Right? Yeah. It's, it's like, if people are watching our vlogs and we get 90 billion fucking views and all of a sudden, like we're in gigantic mansions, I would feel kind of guilty about it. Like what? No, I don't want to be known for doing that.

We'll see. All of them have now launched clothing lines, makeup lines, that's because of their fucking fame. They did it. And that's because we have more. First of all, people voted for Trump. Who are these people? Who are these people?

They did. He's a blatant racist. Okay. And people. So what I'm saying is, is that I, I guess I understand why people watch it because we have a lot of people in the world that are fucking morons. You know, they, they are like movies. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Whatever some stupid movie. You know what I mean? Yeah. But they've never seen great movies. They're idiots. That's it.

I don't mind idiots. I don't mind that there is. You want to get hit in the jaw. Hey, that doesn't, that has never happened. I would never. That would never happen. What do you, even if, well, let me stop. Even if I did, what the fuck are you going to do about it?

Oh, you want my deal? Call 911. Hey, my name is Fred. Oh. I heard a hitting. Yeah. Hi. I'm sorry.

I got an aggressive. Okay. I don't think that everyone has to be at the same level of intelligence or aptitude. I'm okay with, you know, having Steven Avery's like just because you don't have the capabilities to fucking read or to listen to fucking Chikovsky doesn't mean you're not, you know, allowed to breathe on this planet. You have every right to live. And that's not what I said.

I'm not living, but what I'm saying, it's beyond that. It's just. You have every right to do anything that I do. You have a right to have your own opinions. You have every right to behave in any kind of way, unless it hurts other people. That's not what I'm saying. We're all snowflakes. We're all human beings, and we're all equal.

Okay. What I'm saying is that the reason why we have junk on television and in movies, etc., is because we have a lot of retards that live in the world, and that's all I'm saying. Okay. Especially if you're a girl and you're watching the Kardashians, that's one thing. Because maybe you can learn, maybe if there was a show about a bunch of guys that wore raw denim and I'm like, oh, kind of brown or raw denim. I like the white.

Wear that. You even watch that show? Yeah. Or like, oh my God, that guy has a cool, you know. Some hair cut. Like fashion. Right. You can't get white girls or gay people.

If a gay guy's like, I like white, you know what I mean? Whatever. That was a bad impression. But if you're a heterosexual dude and you like that show, you just don't say hi to me. Geez. Okay. Don't go anywhere near me. You hear that?

No. Why am I so angry? Is it because of destiny? I think it's destiny, man. Steroids. You're not on steroids. No, I don't do that anymore. I don't do destiny.

I mean, that's the one thing that I definitely noticed about him when the difference between when you playing destiny versus fallout. Yeah. You become a very, very confrontational person when you're on desk. It's because it's competition with people. That's why I have to sit back and really hold my tongue because he really likes to go full charge into a fight. How about this?

Why don't you get into gaming with him? I like what we do. I like outside. No. Oh. No, that's not true. I like, I like to. Okay, what game?

Bejeweled Blitz. Oh, I saw a snap. I saw a Snapchat. There's a Snapchat. Well, let me explain what went down. Okay, go ahead. I actually scored the highest score like ever, ever fucking scored in Bejeweled Blitz and the history of my Facebook account or in his Facebook account.

So you beat him. What'd you get? 3-6. But. Yeah. It froze. Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember.

I remember. Yeah, I do. And so it froze and it glitched and then my whole iPad shut down. So I did it again and I scored 3,500,000 instead. So it was like one, you know, a little bit off, but I was like, fuck it. I'll do it. You know? Yeah.

And so I was leader of the board. I took a photo. I screenshotted it. Put it on Snapchat. The only thing that I've ever beat him in gaming wise. Yeah. And then. And then I got a 3-6.

But you know why? How much money did you spend trying to beat me? No money. Bullshit. How many days did it take and how many money, how much coins did you use? There's no proof. Oh, God. There's no way to prove it.

Arrest my case. Arrest my case. Let's go. I'm going to call your accountant and look for the iTunes receipt. Oh, wow. Well, if you see iTunes receipt, you'll probably see, you'll see SimCity on that. No, I'm going to look specifically for Bejewel. I'm going to go look at it.

And you know what? I want you to do that. And when you do it. Yeah. I'm going to read it. And I'm going to be right next to you. And when you look guys, we're going to go in your fucking face woman. Because you've spent over.

Because I got a 3-6 on my fucking, um, a Facebook account and I'm number one. She's number two. I'm the champion. And that's a fact. An end of story. So look at me. You're looking at a champion. Lady.

Lady my mom. All right. I love you though. Oh. Deeply. Okay. What time are we at? Time for a question.

What time are we at? Time for some helpful advice with Bobby at Coloco. This is from our friend, Yago. My name is Yago. I'm a big fan of the show and you guys are awesome. Here's my situation. I'm currently in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend lives in Brazil and I live in the US.

We love each other very much and want to stay together. Even though sometimes it can be pretty hard because of the distance. We see each other every four months. Either she comes to the US or I go to Brazil. She plans in, uh, on moving here sometime in the future. We both are musicians and we're trying to start a music career. Anyway, I wanted to know if you guys, if you guys think it's a good idea for us to stay together. And what are your opinions on long distance relationships?

I've been in several long distance relationships. How many? Uh, three. Four, actually. Okay. Um, it only will work if there is an end goal. If you set a date that by September of 2018, we're going to be together. These are our plans.

If there's an actual plan rolled out, if I can envision what these two years are going to look like, then I can really invest in it. But the reason that my previous ones didn't fail because I dated the guy in Spain. I would see him what, every four months, same thing. There was no, he wasn't going to move out here. I wasn't going to move out there. We liked each other a lot, but at the end of the day, you know, I was still, you know, in nursing school, I was like, look, my job's going to be here and you play football.

And so there's no end goal there. Sorry, PK. But, um, but I mean, I've seen it, you know, definitely work for some other people around me and that's only because the missing ingredient was, you know, the end date. When are we going to be together and set a goal? That's a good one. End date. All right.

Your turn, sir. How many relationships have you been in long distance? I'm going to tell you something right now, my friend. Okay. The reason why you're in the fucking thing in the first place, I'm talking to this guy. I love you. Thanks for listening to Tiger Belly. Is that this is the fantasy of her living over there.

No, he lives there, I think. Well, whatever, regardless, it's a good part for different countries. There is an element of mystery and a fantasy quality to it. She lives in Brazil. He's in US. Right. Okay. So he's like, oh my God, what, what, you know, but if you saw each other every fucking day

in the same house, right, it changes the dynamic. You don't, you're not going to feel the same way you do. Right. It's kind of like unrequited love in that way where it's like, there's a fantasy quality. It's the fantasy. Yeah, yeah. There is. I will give Bobby that.

Because if you see him every fucking day, like her and I, right, I feel so bad for her. She has to see this. I mean, you don't even know what you, what I don't, I haven't watched my hair in what, five weeks. Something like that. Really? Yeah. I have foot fungus.

It's crazy. I have massive foot fungus. You know what I mean? I'm a disgusting fat slob. And she has to, and I have the worst character defects and she has to deal with so much bullshit. I'm so sorry, sweetie, but, but you don't want, why I know it's love because she's still in it. That's it?

Yeah. And no, we're in it. You know what I mean? And I see some of her things. She had a fucking puffy fucking lips the other day. It was kind of weird. She gets to these weird zits, to these weird zits. Right.

Sometimes she, her breath smells like complete salmon. Like, first of all, she probably spilled salmon on herself. No. After I, I tell him, I just ate salmon. Don't kiss me. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, where's that breast?

Salmon. And then it's like summer. I mean, but some of her health issues, you know what I mean? That some, you know, the ambulance comes. Yeah. These are all things that are part of a relationship. And that's how I'm, how I know, I love her. Okay.

We're in the thick of it. We're in the thick of it. And the, the beauty and the reason why I, I even romanticize my previous relationships that were long distance because there is an element of me going to see him in Spain. Oh, us always spending these three weeks of it felt like a vacation. Yeah. There was no, there was no real life aspects of talking about money. There were no real life aspects of who's going to take the dog out for a shit.

It was always of, ooh, I'm in the north of Spain and we're going hiking or taking picnics and, you know, we're having sex out. It's like, it's so fantastical. Leave the sex part out of it, but yeah. But, um, I, I still think that if you have legitimate feelings for each other, you should give it a shot. You should give it a shot in the same place at some point. That won't work out.

All I'm saying is, is that, that whole fantasy thing is attached to it. But that's why it lasts so long. And this is always my thing. You know, I have a friend, we have a friend in comment. She's like, yeah, I've been with this guy for three and a half years. Like, well, accumulated. You've actually only been with him for four months because that's how much time you've actually spent together in the, in the, in the three and a half years.

So how well do you really know him? He ended up cheating on her with like multiple women. He ended up being a really shitty dude. She's like, I can't believe he did this. I'm like, I can. You didn't know him. You didn't know him in his day in and day out. You didn't know what the fuck he smelled like from Monday to Monday.

You didn't know the color of his fucking fungus. You didn't know, you know, the taste of his sweat on a fuck on the fifth day that he didn't shower. Like you don't know him. I'm talking about you. He's like, wait, this sounds like me. You're right. You're right.

Yeah. So it's, it's not, you have to think of it in terms of, you know, I know there's, you know, gadgets these days. It's always so much, you know, FaceTime. You can talk to each other while you take a shit or whatever. It's just not the same to be physically in the room with someone is a little bit different and it kills the romance. It really does.

We've become so functional, Bobby and I, that we're trying, we talk about like, how do we reignite the, the feeling of like having butterflies in your stomach? Cause I mean, we don't feel that for each other. This is functional. It works. We're a team. We're best friends. I don't know.

I don't know. This is the longest relationship I've ever been in and I'm just learning. But I also want to do a DP update. I love how it didn't hold thing. You were thinking about that. What's the update? That fan was on the last ship and I bought it and I watched it and you showed me that clip and he was fucking amazing.

We talked about this last week. We didn't talk about it. We watched it. We watched it. We watched it. We're obsessed with that fan. Good actor. Yeah.

Say that one more time. Good actor. Do you remember a line? No, but I can kinda do it. Broke the line. Tom Franklind. Wait he said Tom Franklind? I don't know the name.

Broke the line. Broke my line. Broke my line. That was pretty much it. And I thought wow. Not only does he know the language. He just seems so Vietnamese isn't he? That's pure acting.

It's great yeah, so congratulations to you, man I'm swimming in my own fucking fears You are anyway. That was a good podcast. That was a cloud shows for Bobby None Um, I know he's going to be in Virginia soon at in Arlington, Virginia I love that place and then you're also going to be at helium in Philadelphia. I love that room, too and For more of Bobby states go to Bobby Lee live.com. Yeah, make sure thanks for listening. Hey guys

I'm I was at Jersey Mike's with my girlfriend She was in the car with the dog and I walked in and there was a couple of guys that were a guy and a girl that were Big Tiger Belly fans and one of the girls I just have to meet Kaleila She here and she walked out to the parking lot to meet Kaleila took a photo with Kaleila That makes me feel really good that people really like our podcast. So thanks for listening. I appreciate Cindy. I think thank you Cindy Bye everybody. Thanks guys Make sure you follow Tiger Belly on Instagram at Tiger Belly Tiger Belly on Twitter at the Tiger Belly And if you want to email us any questions you can email us at

The Tiger Belly at gmail.com also if you haven't already and you do listen to us on itunes Go ahead and leave us a review. We really appreciate that and if you want to send us any packages We will open them on a vlog. You can send it to 1 6 2 6 North Wilcox Avenue Sweet 1 6 1 Hollywood, California 9002 8 make sure you check out Kaleila and follow her on all her social media at calamity k follow Bobby Bobby Lee live Follow George at Votabest tweets follow John now and whatever follow Bryce Bryce. What's your handle? Bryce how like he does lots of cool videos of cooking and stuff probably like that Anything else you want to share?

That's it. All right. Bye guys. See you next week guys. Thank you for listening out your bits Yeah, can you pee her please? Yeah, thank you Hey Prime members you can listen to Tiger Belly ad-free on Amazon music download the Amazon music app today Or you can listen ad-free with Wondry plus in Apple podcast before you go Tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry comm slash survey