TigerBelly - Episode 88: Bryan Callen & The Act of Faith

Episode Date: April 26, 2017

Bobo runs over a pedo. Bryan is awarded by the international council of comedic experts. We talk process of deletion, narcissism, and getting in the way of yourself.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Five, four, three, two... Hey Mexican, stop playing with my dog. You fucking island Mexican. Puerto Rico. I start over. Do the countdown again. I can't fucking. Five, four, three, two... Ooooo... Welcome to...

I'm the king of it. I'm the Slap King. Everyone knows that. When I walk I leave golden footprints. You can't see them, but they're there. We have, today we've got my girlfriend, Colaila. We've got Gilbert. We got Richard Ramirez, the fucking serial killer back here on fucking camera. But we have a very special guest today. I've been looked. Don't say anything yet,

fuckface. I know that's the music that's in your head, but just let me just write. I know that's the one. That's the music. What do you wake up? Yeah. Yeah. He's the fucking best. Everything and everything at comedy and sports. He's the best. What I say, man, let me introduce you first. Okay. He's got a dick would do more at home on a mule. I'd have all the comedians I've ever met my life. There's people that are great on stage. There's a lot of those. This guy's one of them, but he is the most intrinsically funny guys I've

ever met offstage. He's so funny, nice, handsome. His body is off the fucking chain. And he comes from family money. The callons are like the Rockefellers. That's right. You fucking poppers out there. People. He went to the because the medical community wanted to analyze his body and his bones are made of adamantium steel. That's right. And I came back immortal. Yeah, he gave me died and came back immortal. I'm never going to die. Yeah, he's a great guy. Brian Callan, everybody. Give him a round of applause. Good to be here. I just gave you a series of compliments. Can you give me a couple please? Thank you. I think you are the I honestly is the best the best student to come out of my workshop

in the past 10 years. Your classes were so expensive. Yeah, but I mean, I'm a grand a pop. He didn't even show up for the first three. There's no one in the world. I teach it online. Yeah, but there's a lot of hands on physicality when you're at the next level. And I took it's like Scientology. You have to be in there for years. Right. There's levels. That's right. And I finally got to meet him after the eighth year of taking his classes. And he came in in a pro cloak. Oh, wow. Right. And much taller in person, everybody. Yeah, he was completely naked. Super approachable. Yeah. And there was like a layer of crystals or something on his dick. He shows everyone. It's called venereal warts. But anyway, those are great classes. But you are.

So what are the compliments you gave me? Nothing? I think you're. Thank you. Oh, come on. I didn't even say anything. I know, but I can be like six of them. I know. Well, you know, I lied to some of them. Are those comments or is that just the truth? Some of it's hidden in truth. There's always truth. It's just news. It is just news. Yeah. Thank you. You know, I it's rare that you're astonished by a comedian and I was at Moontower and I watched Dana Gold do a seven minute set. And I ran up to him and I went, you're the best comic in the world. And he goes, oh, it's not true. I go, no, it is true. And I'm right about this. He writes the greatest like jokes where you go, fuck. Yeah. Like it's nice to be astonished at my age. Like, I appreciate

it. In 1989, when I was in high school, we had gotten cable and that like two in the morning, Dana Gold did his first special on Showtime and was about suicide and how he wants to kill himself. It literally was. He's amazing. And I ran into him at the Burbank Airport and he had no idea who the fuck I was. But that's fine. That's fine. He didn't know who I was. I've been in the business a long time. He didn't know who you were. I don't think so, but it doesn't matter. He's just a guy who cares. He's just so good. He shouldn't know who I am. He's just keep writing and being the savant that I know. But Brian, you're good too, friend. I guess people laugh super hard. They do. But you know what? Like, how do you feel about this? So it seems to me that, like,

I watched Dave Chappelle, right? Yeah. Who's very gutsy and been doing it forever. And he's got something to say, but I don't know that I laugh as hard at Dave Chappelle as I do as say at you or say as I don't know if I enjoy Dave Chappelle as much as say I enjoy and laugh at Dave Davidoff. Right. You know, so really it comes down to this weird thing where, like, where do you delineate between truth and satire and observation and then just playing fucking hilarity? Yeah. When I go to comedy and I laugh really hard, that's my favorite. I love when I hear you laugh. Yeah. It feels good. Yeah. Do you hear me laugh when you're on stage? Yeah. You have a great laugh. You're one of the few comments that can actually be moved by other

people who are funny. You have a cackle. And that's the compliment. The comment I'd like to give you is that you laugh at me. And that's so that's that's a nice thank you. That's really that's all I want really from you. Yeah. That's one of the signs of narcissism too. Yeah. Yeah. We were like, I've been Googling narcissism all day. Yeah. And I think I might be I've been denied. I don't think you are. I don't think or I'm going to show you a questionnaire and let's just you want to go through it. I can tell you I've known you forever. I don't think you're a narcissist. I know. Yeah. In fact, I think you're the opposite. I think that you are you may be self-destructive and you may have set low self-esteem all the good things that a comic needs. Yeah. But I don't think that

you're a narcissist at all. In fact, and I'll tell you, you always go out of your way to try to empower other people. That's what I thought. I always thought about myself. But she disagrees with you. I not only do I disagree, I think you are the prototype for narcissism. Like you are the exact if you just read the book, Bobby, your phone. Why is my why is my Steve's girlfriend calling me? Because your thing is attached to her. Yeah. I don't want to fucking but here's the questions. All right. Let me go to the questions. All right. The first one is you like to be the center of attention. That just means you're a performer. That's what I'm saying. That just means you're a fucking comic and you and you love the sensation of you happen to have a skill set that's very rare,

which is you can make people double over in laughter. Okay. So you're really good at it. Can I make a point? Yeah. Narcissists are very good in their work field. They're charming. They're well liked from, from, from a distance, but they're very difficult to live with. That's okay. But that's not the way to define a narcissist. Narcissist is the hero or the victim of every story he tells. Okay. Okay. There we go. And that Bobby tells plenty of stories about other people. In fact, the focus is usually on other people. So it's, it's, it's a, it's a miscalculation. I am a, I'm a doctor and everybody in this. Can we just go through the question there? The first thing he already answered it. So I, I don't, this doesn't apply to me.

Okay. All right. Cause I'm a comic and I need to make people laugh. Yeah. You have a habit of giving unsolicited advice. I don't, that's ridiculous. Yeah. That's a ridiculous notion though, to say that somebody's a narcissist that I don't, I reject that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you're trying to, sometimes you're trying to help people. Right. So let's say, um, Gilbert and I, right? You're, we're at a comedy club and you're listening in, right? Let's talk about something about our lives. Okay. Um, yeah. So that rash you have, I mean, it's killing me, man. Yeah. It's like been bleeding and that keeps scratching it. Right. Well, maybe that's, and then would you see now you're already listening, right? And I like

the way you're listening and I saw your, your brown knot, which means you're actually concerned for him. So you know what? Yeah. So that's, that's not a part. Now here's another one here. Here's another one, my friends. You to, to test waiting in line. Oh, fuck off. This is, where is this from? This is from health. Go fuck yourself. I don't wait in line. So fuck you. You know what I do? My dad was waiting in line. We had to go to a holiday, 12 of us. And I was like, I'm not waiting in this line. It was LaGuardia or JFK. The line was literally around the block. I go, Oh fuck you guys. I go, give me a hundred bucks. He goes, what? I go, give me a hundred bucks right now. Yeah. I get a hundred bucks. I go up to the guy who's the front line. I go,

Oh, bro, listen, I got a question for you. Shake his hand. First of all, it's good to see you. I put the hundred dollars. I can't physically wait in this line. You know what I'm saying? Right. That's all people. He goes, give me a second. And that was it. We got on the plane. So shut the fuck up. Right. That's called, that's called just getting people on a plane. Exactly. Exactly. Right. I was on the plane from Baltimore to here yesterday. All right. I paid, I don't, I didn't tell you this, but I paid for a first class 350 or something. That's how I do it. Yeah. If it's available, right? I took it. Right. I fly privately, but keep going. No, it doesn't matter. I don't know. I don't have a plane yet.

It doesn't matter. Right. It doesn't matter. Right. So I'm sitting there and this actually happened. There was a group, they go, you know, who goes before a first class? Who goes on the plane before? Kids and mothers. Handicapped. Yeah. Handicapped. Right. So a couple of kids went on. That's fine. A couple of military guys. Thank you for your service. And then a whole baseball team goes on. That would annoy me. Right. And they're wearing red hoodies and they're kids. They're high school. And I sit out loud. What the hell is this? Right. And then the coach looks at me and he goes, they're hearing impaired. Right. And I go, oh, shit. Right. And so then I had a red hoodie too at the same day it did. But I was next. Right. I was first.

That's awesome. So I'm behind them. And then the stewardess looks at me and she goes, welcome to my team. It's so good. And then I burst into laughter and I said, I'm not a part of them. I'm not a part of them. I can hear you. I do this. These guys, these two thugs got really mad at me because I cut them off and they were in pick up and they wanted to fight. They were young and they were just ready to go. And I was like, these guys are fucking tough. I can't fight these two guys. And they go, the guy looks at me and goes, that's your ass, you motherfucker or something like that. And I went, I just looked at him and I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well, I can't see. And the guy just stopped and he goes, sorry. That's a good one. That's a good one.

I was afraid. Survival. I was afraid. Let me see if I can do it. Maybe come up with something different. Hey, man, you double parked in my spot. Oh, God. Oh, that's so bad. That's muscular district. Did you take Ryan Callan's acting class? Yes, I did. First of all, first of all, I don't believe, I don't believe you. How about, how about this? You're shitty at faking an impediment. Hey, man, you parked your car in two spots. So stereotypical. I did retort and fucking Asian. Oh, God. It sounds like you had been, you had been like you were trapped under rubble. Yes. That's the third thing. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. How do you demolish something? I got to take more classes from you, buddy. Okay, here's some more things then.

Your ambition knows no bound. Oh, that's, that's good. Also, you're not ambitious. No, I'm doing this list, bitch. I mean, lady, my love. I like that. I'm sorry. My love. I don't want to say that anymore. You were in the national student team or something. Yes, you was. I'm sorry, baby. I'm never going to call you that again. What are we going to do about the dog barking? I don't know. Just leave it there. You know how to turn on the charm. This is the worst. That's a tool. What is there? This could be Buzzfeed. This, the person who wrote this is some joker. How about this? No, I'm going to finish these ones because this is more of my thing because I say no to all of these ones. Yours, yours, I say yes to.

All right, go ahead. Go to your list, babe. Okay. Here. All right. Shames or humiliates those who agree, disagree with him and often goes on the attack when hurt or frustrated, exploding with rage. I mean, this is, this is, um, no, I'm just protecting my. How about throwing tantrums or even breaking laws with minimal consequences? Okay, here's the thing. She's saying that because I don't pay for parking tickets or like if I get one, I'll just speed up and let it fly off. No, that's not true. What? So have you racked up a lot of parking tickets? I have. And they told my car and tow it. Even when I had no money, I just go and tow it because I always feel like regular rules don't apply to me.

That I understand. You're a comic. But also, what do you do then? Just pay the huge fine when they. Yeah, like I didn't pay taxes until I was like 35 and then I owed them like $350,000. But I just, I take it to that limit. Oh, yeah. And then I go, Oh, I don't want to go to jail. So then I'll pay. See, that's not a narcissist. Yeah, that's, that's self. I have one more. I have one more. Lies are distorts the truth for personal gain. Blames others or makes excuses. Yeah, I'm, I'll tell you what, as my job as a comedian, I have to exaggerate stories. Embellish. Embellish. Me too. When I tell jokes on stage, right, it's not the complete and utter truth. Then it wouldn't be funny. Right. You, you, you lie a little bit. You exaggerate and whatnot

for entertainment purposes. Get away from, you know, the consequences. That's what it's saying. What do you mean? I don't have, what do you mean consequences? Not on stage. Not when I steal jewels. I can't see. I did it by accident. Yeah. I don't know if I've ever committed a crime before. I don't think I have. I ran over. I, you know, did I ever tell you that I ran over somebody? Yeah, you said, no, we haven't talked about it. I got a story for you. You ran over somebody? Well, no, I didn't. Oh, I killed a drifter. But that was in the 80s. Yeah. Who hasn't? No. I was with Andy Kindler and once the guys and I said, I was like, this is awkward story guy. I was like, you guys will appreciate this story. My friend and I killed the drifter and he goes,

Brian, Brian, it was in the 80s. It was okay. It was in the 80s. But, but tell your story, then I'll tell you a story. I want to hear yours first. Well, my friend, his ex-girlfriend called him crying. And in fact, I swear to God, I'm not just saying this. I think he lived on. Okay. I swear to God. It wasn't me, man. No, he didn't live on. Anyway, it doesn't matter. No, he's lived the next block over. But so, and I know that because I just driving here, you know, I would go to his house that way is so boring. But anyway, the point is, his girlfriend, his ex-girlfriend calls, she's crying. She can't stop crying. She's so depressed. He goes, well, look, relax. He goes, I don't know. I'm fine. I'm a fuck up. He goes, well, it's not like you

killed anybody. And she starts crying harder. So she was walking her golden retriever out in the street. And a homeless guy came up and said hi to the dog. The dog jumped up on him and pushed him back. He kind of jumped back and got hit by a car. It's not murder, but he was killed. And then she killed herself. Yeah, like a week later. No, isn't that a terrible story? I always hesitate about telling me the capper. It's a little dark. Can we change the punchline? Okay. Change the story a little bit. She was like, I'm going to come with him. And he goes, don't. She goes, okay. And now they're fucking happy. They got back together. And they have three kids. It's a better movie. Wow. Really? She killed herself. Yeah, because her dog pushed a homeless

guy. I guess it was the final straw, you know, things weren't going well. This town, she had been an actress. Oh, man, that this town, huh? Like, do you how about that? How about what's her name? Who just died of they think stage four cancer, but they found her in her trailer park. She was Joni or Joni on happy days. She did, but she died. Yes. What's her name again? She was 56 years old. What happened to Joni? You know, she had so many problems. Yeah, she'd said so many problems. She went broke and then she was in a trailer park. Oh my God. I know this town. My manager, right? I'm not going to name the name. Had a client who was like this actress. She booked a pilot. Erin Moran. Yeah, her name. Yeah. That's Joni. Yeah. This girl had couldn't didn't work for years.

She finally booked a pilot for HBO. They do the pilot. And then a week before they go into series, she got replaced. Yeah. And then like three or four months later, she's driving on the street in her shitty car and she sees billboards for sex in the city and she quit and she left. She left town. What was your name? I'm going to name. I think I know who you're talking about. I'm just saying that this town does that to people. Yeah, it does. And I've so many times I wanted to quit, but I don't know why I just go, you know what? I think around the corner, maybe there's a brighter day. I don't know what I would do other than what I'm doing. That was my problem. Yeah. What am I going to do? But here's what? Here's the thing though with you. I mean pro sports, obviously.

Yeah. Well, let me. Male model. Let me finish my story. My running over a guy's story. And then we're going to go to I'm going to go to Brian and what he did, which was inspirational. Okay. When I was a kid, I was 17 and I got sober and I was in AA and I had my senior year in high school. I had a white truck and I was going to an A meeting at Miramesa, which is this part of the San Diego. And it was on this hill and on the bottom of the hill, you take a left, but the stop sign was just gone. So I just thought you could just merge on to it. But the hill was steep, right? So I turned left. It's late at night. And then I hear cuckoo cuckoo. And I see a body fly over my fucking car. Yeah. And then I run over a couple

times, right? And I stop and I look through my rear view window and I see just a motorcycle just in 19 pieces. Like for insurance purposes. Are you allowed to tell this story? Or has this been 20? We're already settled. Are you sure? I sort of got it. Sometimes they don't stop asking. This is 25 years later. You're fine. I mean, only like a million people listen to this. Not usually, but now that I'm on. Keep going. I walk out of the car and I just start laughing because you're in shock. I'm in such shock and I thought I murdered somebody and I go, that's the end. Yeah. This is the end. But then I go toward the guy. I lift him up. He's alive. Oh, good. Thank God. Okay. Yeah, babe. I'm not a murderer. Okay. And I pull him to the side of

the street. Take his money. No, I don't know. Okay. And then next thing I know, I'm in court. I have I'm going on. I'm in trial. I have a lawyer and there was no stop sign that the cop came. They know they took the photo and but apparently this guy was a record. Oh, right. But they still gave him like a half a million dollars or something like that. Really? Yeah. Who gave him half a million in the settlement because the city didn't have a stop sign there? Possibly. Possibly. Yeah. But you didn't have to pay. No, that's my insurance did. But then I had to pay so much more after that. But that's what happened to me. But I read over a pedophile and that's a good story. I read over a pedophile. I did. And I purposely did that because I'm kind of a hero in many ways.

Yes, I do. Hopefully you hurt his dick. I hurt his dick. I don't think I can use it anymore. And I think, um, yeah, I'm kind of like a good dude. Yeah. Yeah, it would be like much more relieved. Like if you killed somebody, oh, my God, well, he had a rap sheet for touching kids, you'd be like, that's fine. Is it fine? I mean, what do you think about the Dr. Dow, the guy who got dragged out of the plane? Well, he wasn't a pedophile, though, was he? He had sold. Yeah, he was just he was he was just fucking giving like guys he wanted to bang pills. Fuck off. It's no big deal. I mean, it doesn't make it to me. It doesn't make him a bad guy. It just makes him horny. Seriously, like, wait, he he exchange pills for sex, right? For

guys, right? Yeah, I guess he doesn't have prescriptions for sex. Does he not have his license anymore? He can revoke and then he got reinstated, but he could only practice limited in like he's gonna he's gonna get a lot of money, I think from yeah, right? I see it. Well, when I look back at that United thing, I don't know. I think I would have left. Well, here's the thing. I should have stayed. You should have. The thing was to stay. That's where you get the money. Well, just wait till they sweetened the deal a little bit. You know, they can give you cash. No, but I don't know if I would have done what Dr. Dow did and just go, I'm not leaving. Refuse. Oh, well, I think that if you are sitting on a plane and they've allowed

you to take your seat that you've paid for, yeah, fuck you. Yeah, right. I'm staying on a plane. And I really feel that way. It's like, nah, if you if you stop me from getting on the plane, now you have a case. But if I'm on the plane sitting down and you want to get me out of my seat, yeah, go fuck yourself. Why are the first two guys leave first? Because a lot of people don't want to deal. A lot of people are like, but I get the rage you would feel if you really wanted to get home. Yeah, I hate traveling. I travel all the time. Yeah, you know, if you it was like it was like so so I with American Airlines, I flew JetBlue first class to Boston, and I had my own pod, my own room, basically, my own fucking bed. Yeah. And then, of course,

I spend the same amount of money to come back on American. And American was an old plane. And the fucking seats weren't even as good as coach in JetBlue. And I lost my fucking mind. I lost my mind. They gave me a $200 voucher. But yeah, I'm glad I'm going to go fuck yourself. It made me mad. And I'm sorry if I spend that much money on something. Yeah. See, Brian has the same thing I do, baby. Well, look, you guys travel a lot. So I get it. If I'm a headliner, look, it's different. That's different. No, I'm in any kind of line. If I'm at line at McDonald's, right? It's long. I'm not going to cut. But I think they should let me go three or four ahead. Hey, man, you're a narcissist. Oh, my turn. He just doesn't take the path of least resistance. If he can throw a fit,

he'll throw a fit. Very visibly. So then I have really the airport at the fucking. So I go through a different security line because I don't even want to deal with it. But don't they all recognize you inside? Oh, no, but not always. They don't. It's like I snap. Like they go, which is all the more reason. You show your ID and your shit, right? After that part. Yeah. No more questions. So if somebody comes up to me and goes, where are you going? I don't have your fucking business, bro. Well, they probably want to talk to the great Bobby Lee, you narcissist. And if they go, I love Harold and Kumar, then I go, all right. Sorry about that. I'm sorry about that. Yeah. Yeah. But here's what I want to talk about you, Bibi. Yeah. Can I call you Bibi? Yeah.

Yeah. New York Times does. That like, you know, I, you know, you, you and I are similar in many ways, right? Very different, but similar that we both came from mad. That was your one of your first jobs. It's my first job. Matt TV, me too. And, um, but I feel like, and you'd been in movies. I mean, what movie we heard, I watched a movie that you were in that we were amazing. And was that the fight? The warrior warrior. You were great in that. Right. And I'd seen you in old school. Remember you were in that movie. Yeah. A bunch of movies hangovers. Yeah. Right along. All right. Right. Let's just, let's just keep going. I understand that. I could just throw some stuff out too. That's weird. I forget how talented I am. Well, but when you guys started talking,

yeah, but keep going. But what really put you on a different level, I think is your podcast. Hmm. Fight on the kid, right? I mean, that is making you good money. Yeah. And now you have an ABC show here. Yeah, we, I don't know. I mean, I shot the, certainly shot the spinoff. You know, it's funny because, because, uh, the, the, the, the, it was, it's been a good three years, right? Where I've been doing this TV and I've been, the podcast has become this monster. And then, um, stand up and all that. And I won number one comic of all time. And oh, wow. Yeah. And I don't give a fuck about that. But, uh, but the international council of comedic experts gave me their award. And you know, who's on that fucking council? Richard Pryor is dead. Yeah. Serious.

Right. And they contact him, his spirit. Oh, yeah. Him, Carlin, dad, right? A lot of, a lot of the top, the top. Yeah. Sid Caesar. Sid Caesar, yeah. And red buttons. But, um, yeah, I, uh, no, but, but like, I, I kind of like, it's funny cause I kind of gave up on acting, right? I, I hate acting so much cause it hurt me so much. Like it, it broke my heart so often in this business. Yeah. So I gave up. I was like, hmm, I don't care. And then along comes this podcast. And you know, it's kind of like all of a sudden, all, I guess when you become, well, I guess when things are successful, like you're doing lots of TV and you, you don't even realize it. You, you know, when I gave up a bunch of shit started happening, I guess is what I'm saying. Right. I didn't expect

to make money on the podcast. Yeah. I didn't expect this podcast to be like, dude, I wanted to just do a podcast because it was the only way I could sell tickets on the fucking road. Like, cause I did your podcast before you did Fighter, that's the one that you did by yourself. Yeah. Yeah. And that was like Sanford and Sons. Right. I had six listeners. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. And I got tired of going to the, you know, the towns on Thursday and Friday and not being able to sell tickets. Yeah. I got tired of having clubs have to pay for the room. So I was only doing it so I could sell tickets. And then, but, you know, I just wanted to stand up to big crowds. That's all I wanted. Right. And that's you guys that switch. Yeah. Yeah. But again, when it happens,

it happens, it sneaks up on you. We were like, Oh, I still don't believe it. And I still keep waiting for it to go away. Yeah. For me, it's similar in many ways where I feel like this podcast has, I too did a pilot. And I think that it's all a part of the different choices that I've made. Like, I, you know, I don't, you don't remember this, but when Ken was getting a lot of like parts and I wasn't working, you gave me a pep talk at the comedy store and you said, it's going to work out. You're so funny. You know what I mean? Like you really like, because I was on the verge of literally. I remember that. I remember that. Just like, I was going to kill myself. Well, I saw you. Yeah. I didn't like what I saw because you

seemed very broken at that moment. I was broken. Like you just didn't care. And I don't like that kind of apathy that worries me. You know, it does. And I was like, because I always said to you, I've seen you, if you can do what I've seen you do in just 20 minutes, you can do anything. Right. Anything. And I think that you should look at, and I think especially for you, I think you should look at comedy as a process of discovery. In other words, what the fuck is, what the fuck is left inside of you? A lot of greatness. I think you could be one of the greatest comics period, but, and I'm not talking about, I hate when people say this because I don't even, I don't even like the idea of work hard. I don't like the idea of focus. I don't like those words.

And I don't like the idea of, I don't even like saying to a grown man, you know, you could be this, I think that's ridiculous. I do think that you could put yourself in a mindset that says, I'm going to wake up every morning and just sit and see what shows up. What am I going to discover? So, you know, Flannery O'Connor, the great writer who died of MS at 39 years old, which in the 30s, she's an amazing writer. And you people are not literary say, well, who the fuck is that? But know that she's a great writer. And she said, I sit in my typewriter every morning not to write, but in case something happens. And it's an act of faith. Okay. And I tell these, I told a story 1000 times until 2001, when there's a guy from fucking a Russian guy who won the Fields Medal

of Mathematics. And, and that's like the Nobel Prize in mathematics. And he had figured out that there was a theorem, a mathematical theorem, that they didn't even know existed. They weren't sure if it was actually a legitimate question. But he answered the question and proved that it existed. And the answer was, I think 357 pages long. Okay, you fucks. So a handful of mathematicians looked at it and went, holy shit, this guy, this has been floating around since the 1800s. And, and they said, this guy is one of the great mathematicians of all time. Let's give him the million dollar prize. He rejected it. Why? He disappeared. Why? Because he said, you know, they found him in a cabin living with his aunt in Siberia a year later. And he said,

why are you giving me the award? I am just a receiver. I happen to have a certain genetic makeup, maybe wiring in my brain that was able to channel that theorem. The theorem has always existed in the great template in the Scott. Oh my God. So this is a very important way to look at life. Shoot you're right on this. It's a very important way to look at life because he just kept showing up. He kept showing up. Yeah, it's an act of faith. So why don't you do that with your stand to be son of a bitch? This didn't do me fucking. Hey, hey, hey, don't get this. I want to say something to you right front. All right. Because I don't like your fucking tone right now. And let me say this right now. I've never been fucking afraid of you,

Josh. I'll paint brush your face. I understand that. And I know you think that you're stronger and you could destroy me. You might as well do it. I know. Stop. Stop. Stop. Sorry. All right. But let me say something. Don't ever talk to me like that. And number two, I don't put your fingers. Don't point your fingers at me. All right. How about one? That's all right. All right. I know exactly what you're fucking talking about. Yeah. All right. Because I am the laziest guy, right? Ever to show up in this town, right? That's okay. I am a fucking receiver also friend. That's okay. And I've received in the ass. Oh, man, you missed my whole point. You son of a bitch. I received dicks in my ass. I know exactly. No, that's not what I was talking about. All right.

I'll start. I receive all the time. Oh, the brines. Hold on. There was something there. I had another thought. It hurts. Yeah. Shit. I had another thought about this. That was brilliant. Yeah. Go ahead. Sorry. No, I really got what you said. Thank you. That was good. No, there was something else. Fuck. Oh, forget it. No, I lost it. Oh, man. All right. Keep going. Just put yourself in a process of discovery. Yeah. How'd you meet the Apprentice job? I mean, because I went and spoke to the, um, the ultimate fighter. They brought me in to talk to the fighters. And I realized when I was there, these guys are all killers and don't know who I am. And Nate Marcor was with the strike force champion brought me in to talk to them about mindset,

like, uh, competitive mindset because with Nate, I noticed that he was, um, listening to, like, I hate reviews, right? I don't believe in listening to good or bad reviews because they define you. And so what happens is that they define you and I say, Bobby, you're so funny. You're so physical or whatever. You're going to try to be physical and funny. You're going to try to fulfill whatever it is people tell you. So you have to be very careful of that as a performer. You have to be very careful as an athlete. So if you're a fighter and people call you a knockout artist, which they were calling my friend, um, you're going to keep looking for that. You're going to be trying to knock somebody out instead of fighting the guy in front of you.

Maybe rumble Johnson. Yeah. He went through that last fight, maybe. Well, yeah, there's a huge part searching for it though. That was a huge part of, being good at anything, especially something physical. But if you get to the higher levels of things is not getting in your own way is the idea that you, you know, you, you can't allow other people to define you. And you kind of have to be, you know, it's like, look, fucking come on, like acting. Okay. When you go in there and the job, there's a million dollars on the line. Okay. And you push a little or you don't push enough and you're not in that, you're not in that zone, that delicate zone. You're not in that delicate zone because you're

trying to, you get in your own head. I mean, I did that. Dude, I almost quit the business because of that, you know, and I went crazy. I tested 17 times and I didn't get the job. 17. That's a real number. I didn't get the job. Yeah. But let me ask you this. Have you ever had a job, like an acting job where you just blanked where like you couldn't even say the words? Yeah, I would, I would panic because I, I would kill it all the way to the test and then I would panic. Yeah. And so I, the point is that I just learned to no longer listen to all these people telling me that I was going to be famous and I was, I was a great actor. I stopped listening. Don't tell me anything about anything. I'll do, yeah. It dampens your instincts. When you're

hearing other people tell you what you are, you're, you're losing all your instincts. Naturally, it even got you there to begin with. Right. And a huge part of, of being good at something is probably learning what not to think about, not what to think about. It's a process of deletion. You got to delete instead of like, you know, we always walk around thinking that we have to do, we have to add stuff to our personality or to our persona or to our character. You probably have to subtract, get the fuck out of your own way. With the people that, you know, they, I would fucking my own life. I thought a man was a tough guy. I'm not a tough guy. I even thought that that was something to esteem. I'm not interested in

tough. I don't care if you can run an ultramarathon. I care how creative you are. Yeah. That's what's interesting to me. God damn it. I feel like singing a song. Do it. Do it. Do it. What was that? I'll hear in the fields. I'll get my back into my living. I just wrote that. I, you, wow. I know. I heard it before, but no. That was probably just out there, right? And you channeled it. Can I be honest with you? Yeah. That's right. Like the Russian mathematician, fuckface. That's right. Right. That's right. I saw you do, um, I don't know what it was, but I think Shab had it on his Instagram. You were singing, that's a mother. Oh yeah. Yeah. I did that at God damn comedy jam. Really? Yeah. Which one? In Austin. Oh, I did the televised one. Bobby. Bobby. The premier one.

That's obnoxious. I know, but don't, you didn't lie. You didn't lie on YouTube. Oh my God. I did on national TV, but that's, I told them that I won't do it unless it's not national. I know. That was super mean of you because I was about to, I was about to brag and then you cut my fucking legs. No, I thought it was good. I saw it and I go, that's good for that 150 people that watched it. Oh my God. I need like 12 million people to watch mine, but that's fine. Oh my God. We're in a boxing match and you sweep my leg. Yeah, I did. That's not cool, dude. Well, I mean, we wouldn't be fighting because I'm at a higher level. Hey, bro. Yeah. This is not a competition. You're making me feel comfortable. You're kind of sending. What song did you sing? I don't even

remember. That's how little I care about it. I just did it. You're a man. You know what Chris Aliyah does to me? He'll just send a picture of just a brick of hundreds. And I'll get, he'll write your poor L.A. You know what he did once? He sent me a photo of his dogs, right? But they're all on a pile of money. He goes, look how cute my dogs are. Oh yeah, I know. He's such a dick. The Leo's like that. He wrapped his heart on in a sheet and he goes, dude, there's a ghost in my leg. Yeah, yeah. I love that shit. But so that was good. I saw that, you know. Man, I'm gonna fight you. Why? I don't know. I'm mad now. Same weight class, I think. I don't know. 175? Oh, they both wrestle in high school. How much do you weigh?

How much do you weigh? 173. 167. 167. So I'm a welter. You can cut three. No, you have to. You know what, sweetie? That's fucking an attack. You're a legit 125er. I mean, if you suck weight. He's a DJ. Well, yeah, if you had to fight, you have to suck to 25. I would. I'm just not, I don't have a fight schedule. I have to suck to 45 and maybe even 35. Yeah. I still win, but still. But do you like the UFC? I mean, you a fan of it? Yeah. I'm a huge fan of it. You are good. I'm a huge fan of like mixed martial arts. It's so hard. Yeah, yeah. You know, when you did that warrior movie, did you ever meet Tom Hardy? Yeah, I spent two months with him. He's a great guy. He seems famous. He was not famous when I

knew him. Right. But we knew he was going to be. Yeah, you could tell though. Well, there's also Buzz, CAA was like, he's the prince. Right. Believe me, the machine was already working. We knew that they had about six movies lined up for that guy after Bronson. But he's a great guy. Bronson. Yeah, Bronson was great. But I saw him first in that Star Trek movie. Where he looked with bald, right? Yeah, he played a young Jean-Luc Picard as a young man. He's just fucking really good. His lips though. Way better than even Leo in that movie, The Reverence. Well, Leo was great. Congratulations, Leo. We don't bash Leo on the show. Hey, man, come on. Congratulations. You're one of the best actors of our generation.

All right, dude. Who are you talking to? He's not listening. He is listening. I don't know about that. I'm a huge fan, OK? Anyway, Tom Hardy has nothing on you. He's good too. Stop talking to him like you're friends with him. Who's that other guy that was it? I like him too. Joel Edgerton. Is that his name, fuckface? Australian actor? Yeah, he's really good too. Are you nice? Great guy. Joel's just a real great guy. You know what? Just to stop.

Stop right there. Everyone stop. Who else do you want to know about? No, stop thinking right now. I don't like your fucking attitude. What? Dude, you invited me in your own. I know, but you get introspective and you're like all cool. Because I'm super smart. And then you know what? The thing is here. You know what I fucking hate? That's the thing. You're the mathematician shit and the fucking coming to you. I read. And going into a lock-in with his mom.

Hey, hey. I read. I read. I read. I know, but you know what? Come on, man. What? I'm your old friend. Yeah, but you know what? You need to be educated. And can I ask you another question? Yeah, go ahead. Fuck is with your house. What? Too many colors. Too many colors. Bro, you're becoming a skinhead. Let us in, man.

Don't you do that to me. Let me say something. All right, mate. You look like shut the fuck up for a second. Okay. This is my house. Okay. You don't ever make fun of a man's house when you're inside it. All right. All right, dude. That's you cross the fucking line. You're alpha-dogging the shit out of me.

You cross the fucking line. Do you have Han? All right. Han, he does. But he does. He does. Baby. You can stop, baby. She's sitting there.

Baby, just stop. Hey, don't push your girl. Whoa, what the fuck? Don't put your hands on my girl. All right. Hey, listen. Bro, bro, let me ask you. Are you a superstar in Korea? No, nobody knows me.

Really? That's a fuck. Not at all. Not at all. Are you a fucking superstar in fucking Norway? Or where are your fucking people from? He's from the Philippines. Norway. He's from the Philippines.

Norway. I'm Southern Italian and Irish motherfucking. And yes, the answer is yes. Yeah. I went to your house. Are you probably a different house? Were you still living in Venice or Santa Monica? Which the one in the mansion or the other mansion? It was the other mansion. This is before...

You know what? It's pronounced Santa Monica. Yeah. But you invited me to that Super Bowl party. Do you remember? Yeah. You do? No.

Yeah, you did. You did you come? I did come. Did you like it? I stayed. It hurts that you don't remember, but... No. Yeah, but I remember going...

I didn't know you that well, but you invited me and I went to your house. And I think I left in about 15 minutes. Why? Because I don't know how football's played. You little fucking non-American. Yeah. So I was like, I can't do this.

I didn't even know who the team was. You should be vetted. Vetted for what? For your citizenry. I don't know. I was born here. Fuck not. You want me to stand up again?

Don't call me a fuck not. I don't want to. Oh, that's crossing the line. You know what? I'm calling my agent. Who's your agent? Who are you with? I just got the card.

You were C.A., right? Really? A movie? Great, thanks. Amazing how that happens. It's amazing how quickly it happens. You're a C.A., too, right? Yeah.

You know, Jeremy Piven just asked if I still have his credit card. I'm friends with him. I know. That's another thing. It's another big deal. That's another thing. Because I see sometimes

I'm at the comedy store and you'll be with Jeremy Piven. Yeah. But you guys will be off in the corner. Yeah. That's how we are. And just whispering about things. Yeah.

About the business, about the business. No, I was wondering, what are you whispering about, really? Like what to do with our money. And how to keep people of Asian descent out of the business. Oh, wow. It's a good one.

Come on, dude. You know I'm just talking about it. No, I just said I'm done. Gilbert and Sweet, because she's Asian, too. No, dude. Are you Asian? Yeah, she's Asian.

What's your nationality? Filipino. There's no your fucking business. There's no her nationality. So gorgeous. Thank you. I'm just, I was looking at you when I said that, dude.

I know. When I'm on the road. Baby, what do I say when I'm on the road? I call her. I go, I go, is Brendan Schaub over here to the house? You, are you attracted to Brendan? It's OK.

No, we met that way. I know. But I think that there's something going on. So I always like call her. You know what? Is Brendan Schaub over there? What did you think he would know if there was something going on?

Yeah, look in my eyes, I wonder. I don't trust that guy. Because you know, I trust him, but it's just that women love him. They look at him and they want to agree with him immediately. I know. He's a handsome boy.

Yeah, there you fucking go. He's a handsome boy. How innocent. Well, after we did the fight companion together, I think we exchanged messages on Twitter once. And that was it. And you, you saw that and all of it just grew in your head to be something big.

Well, it should. Can I say another thing though that happened? I did the fight companion and then I didn't see him in a while. And that's something at the comedy store. And I said, hey, Brendan. And then he goes, your girlfriend's hot. Anyway, that was his opening line.

And I went, yeah, she is. What's up? Yeah. You know, and then it was planning to see it. And you know, can I just say, can I say something? Oh, no. Oh, shit. No, I really didn't say something.

If you, if I was on the road and Brendan Sharp came over here and drilled you and stuff like that. Oh, Jesus. Now just listen to me. Say drilled again. It's drilled. You may say completely different. I would be really angry with you, but I think that I don't know

what I would do because I think he could crush me. No, you'd be, you'd also be a little understanding, huh? What's, oh, fuck, baby. Oh, oh, oh. No, no, hold on, dude. That's all right. No, no, hold on, dude. That's back my friend.

Dude, you're looking here about to launch. Let me just say something right now, all right? Take it easy. Korean missile. Take it easy. I have HRS. He does. Han.

No, hidden retard strength. I didn't know that. Yes, I do. And I'm stronger than you think. You better not hold me down, coin. All right. I will break your cheekbones with my eyes. Don't do it.

All right. Don't ever talk to me like that, man. I'm not a fucking pansy, dude. How much am I getting paid for this fucking bottle? Nothing. Not, seriously? No. Publish, what is it called?

Publisher. Publisher. I have the square. Possibly a t-shirt. Yeah, you want a t-shirt? Tiger belly. You know. Are you a regular on the tiger belly?

That's fucking her, bitch. All right, bro. You know how this happened? That is so obscene. I know. It's a great sticker. Look at my day. Have you ever seen my day?

Have you ever seen my day? Yeah, you do. You do all right. Let me show it to you again. I've seen it. It ain't that small. Pull the fucking camera up to the side. Pull the camera up.

That's it, too. I mean, you know, it's all right. That's it, dude. Now, hold on. You have to deal with that now. Would it kill him to trim a little bit? No. You know what?

I really like the whole animalistic look of it all. Yeah. Women don't give a fuck. I don't like the trimming. It chafes. It's, um, anytime a guy is very, very well groomed, he's spending way too much time on himself, and that's unattractive to me.

Yeah, yeah. I like the dirty, kind of disheveled, just rolled out of bed. I have a little machete that I give girls to get through to the, you know what I mean, the promissory. What? I have a little machete that I give girls and they get to the promissory.

Oh. Right, they have to fucking cut through the fucking. It's pronounced, isn't it pronounced machete? Machete. Yeah, machete. Yeah, machete. Santa Monica. Santa Monica.

Yeah, yeah. Santa Monica. How's your digger? Um, I got a fucking angry piece. Yeah. He's got a bend to him. No, what's it like being a dad and stuff? Um, I watched my daughter play tennis.

I think she could be a champion. You have two kids, right? Yeah. Do you have a daughter? I've been thinking about this a lot. I read a book about it. I read a book about parenting because I was on the wrong, I was not on the same page as my wife.

And I was kind of like, she had read all the books and I have to say that if you want to make your kids self-reliant. So it's one thing to say, well, you think you can parent, but you can't unless you fucking, unless you, there are people that can help you. I'm flailing. If your kid doesn't want to do something,

your instinct is to bully them and say, no, you're going to do it because I said so. Yeah. Promise that doesn't really work. It doesn't foster creativity. There's a lot of different ways you can go about it. So I guess it's been challenging because I've had to kind of rethink how I-

So let's say I'm your daughter. Yeah. And you say, ask me to clean my room. I would say, hey, are we going to live in this where everything is all over the place? How do you find things? Yeah, I just like it this way. You do?

Yeah. Well, do you think that maybe I could help you clean things up so it's a little better organized? So this way you can find things faster so we don't have to wait for a long time before you get ready? No. No? Okay.

So I'll tell you what, in that case, I don't think we're going to be able to go to the beach because we just don't have the time for you to find all your stuff. So I guess the choice is yours, but you can make your own choice. And then I go downstairs. Oh, really? And so what I try to do is I try to give them- That's really good.

I try to give them a choice. So when my son today, his shirt was inside out and he was cold. And I go, so why don't you just take your shirt and turn it inside out? I can't. Well, you can. And he goes, no, I can't. I go, would you like me to help you try? And then I'll-

So you build sort of a self-reliance. Let me try. Here's the other thing you have to do. But here's the other thing. I will. My daughter's really good at tennis, right? Problem is, I have to resist the instinct of saying, of correcting her or telling or coaching her.

The best thing a father can do is go, God, I love watching you play. I just love it. And then I'll say stuff like this. I'll talk about her. So I'll say stuff like this when she thinks I'm not- That I don't think she's listening. I go, listen, man, I'm telling you, she can focus the way she focuses.

And when she misses a shot, she doesn't freak out the way I used to as a kid. She's just like nothing. And she just goes back to doing it again. And I brag about her to her mother or somebody. I talk about her like she's the hero. So what happens is they'll fulfill that destiny. Kids do that.

Human beings have- They resist being- Even an infant or a toddler, when you- They have a spoon and you try to pull out of the hand, they're going to squeeze harder. Human beings want their own sovereignty, their own autonomy. I like using words like sovereignty on autonomy. Now, how old is your daughter?

How old is your daughter? Nine. She- I'm not worried about her at all. I can just get out of the way. In high school, though, like in high school, when she goes on a date, let's just give me a scenario. And she comes home from the day with a black eye. What would you do?

Um, that's not something I can talk about on- No, but what would you do? I want to know specifically what you would do. I'll tell you this. I'm ready for it. What do you mean? I'm ready. So, all right, so I- I'm like, let's see, I'm a high school kid.

A guy. I took your daughter on a date. Yeah. I dropped her off and I punched her eye out. Oh, yeah. Right. She comes in the house. Heck, right.

First of all, this is a hypothetical. Yeah. So I don't know why you're going to use the language. I'm already ready for it. All right. Would you come confront me? Dude, you're going to end up- It's going to be bad for you.

Like what? And I'm going to do it alone. I understand that. So, just verbally confront me. I'm not going to say anything. You're not going to say anything. No way. But I have a reason why.

I'm just going to show up, bro. No, I have a reason why. I understand that. You can tell me, guys- I took a nap and she injected AIDS in me with a fucking hypothetical. You can tell me all about it. You can tell me all about it

when you're bound and gagged in my trunk and going so fucking right. So you won't even hear my fucking point of view. Nah. Wow. Nah. I wouldn't pretend to be a dad, too. So let me- let me see what I can do

the psychological thing, okay? Gilbert. Okay. Oh, what scenario would you like? Whatever. Then you're- You're my son. What's your name?

I'll make it up. Tomoto. Fuck. That's a bad name. It's pretty good, though. All right. It's closest to tomato, but it's like tomoto. Tomoto.

Yeah, tomoto. All right. What, dad? Holy shit, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Puberty came early. No. He's super tall.

He's eight. He has a disease. He's from the Sudan and he's seven feet tall. Yeah, throat cancer. You adopted a giant blood. Tomoto. You did. All right.

Let me do it again. I'm going to try not to laugh. That voice is very good, though. And I'm going to give him credit for that. It's second city. Just boxer? Second city. But, okay.

Tomoto. You did. Yeah. Um, why- why your- your room's messy. What are you going to do about it? I don't know anything much I can do about it, really. Um, you know, it's fine. You don't have to clean it, but, um,

you're just not going to eat, I think. If you follow the UFC, Dad. Dude, you can't threaten the star of your kid, though. That doesn't really work. Yeah, but he'll- he's going to want to eat. Hey, Dad, I know child services. Well, you're not going to have a phone. Okay, watch how you do it.

So be rude to me. Watch. I'm going to say- I'm going to say something and I want you to say- Hey, fuck- fuck you, Dad. It's all silent. Oh, he's getting up right now. He's getting up.

He goes to the bathroom. Closes the door. Closes the door. And I don't come back. Oh. What do you do? You're out and you're punching a tree in the backyard. And then I come back.

Then I come back. Then I come back about 15 minutes later and I go, what's going on? Hey, um, I want to talk to you about something. You know how you said- What, Dad? You know how you said, fuck you to me?

Yeah. Very disrespectful. And if you do that again, I'm just not going to deal with you anymore. I'm just going to do the same thing. So we have to talk about how you can be a little bit more respectful. See, that's why you're a good dad.

I'm not going to be able to do it. Yeah, but I had to read books about it. I had to read books about it because I used to be like, what did you say? What did you- I used to be like this. Do it again. Do it again.

Why? Say fuck you again. Fuck you, Dad. All right. What did you say to me? Say it again? I dare you to say it again. Say it again.

I'll spell it for you. F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-D-A-D-F-F-Face. And now you don't get to do anything. And allow me to grab your face. You grab your face and get in your face really hard and yell at you and tell you that you're grounded for the rest of your life. And I'm sending you to Guantanamo Bay.

Oh, cool. Oh, jeez. We'll double fuck you and the cunt. I mean, mom. And then I would duct tape your mouth. Yeah, there we go. So that's what you would do. You'd walk away, though, now after reading the books.

Oh, dude, it's so effective. Sometimes just silence. Just go on. That's really good. You know what Joe Roganat taught me about on stage, if there's hecklers, because one night I was, there was hecklers in the OR years ago, and I just raised my voice.

He goes, no, next time just whisper, because then the room will quiet down to listen to what you're saying. Yeah. So sometimes being quiet is the best solution. I've all seen Joe go, no, no, no, no, no. You're a fucking dumb. So I don't know what he's talking about.

I've only seen him go the exact opposite. I've never seen him follow that fucking. Yeah, yeah. Well, we had time-wise. We're at over 50. That's great. What, the timing was so good on that. How good was I, huh?

You were so fucking good, dude. You know what, it's called Improvised. I mean, I think Jordan Peele was good. Did you hear Jordan Peele? Yeah, yeah. And then we had Delia and some other people, but you're in the top five. We've only had six guests.

Anyway, bro, top five. That's obnoxious. Yeah, yeah. How long are you doing this fucking thing? How many episodes now? 80. Something. 80 something.

How are your ratings? Not like yours. Not like yours. Well, I mean, you know. We get a million dollars a month. That's not bad at all. A million? I fuck you.

A million dollars a month? So one a week only. Only a week. That's really good. What are you talking about? You're being condescending. A million dollars a month? That's fucking rude.

That's like a tenth of what I get. That's a big deal. Actually, a million dollars a month is not bad at all. Are you sponsored? Yeah. All right. Well, don't be, don't go, yeah. Yeah, because I don't even want to talk about it anymore

because of your fucking attitude right now. I'll give you, how much? And can I just say this, right? We're going to grow too, man. I know you are. No, stop be quiet. Let me just say what I have to say. And I'm not afraid anymore, dude.

I do not say you are. You don't have to turn this into a cell phone. Do you want to drive my Tesla? He really has a nice Tesla outside. Oh. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, whatever. What do you mean, whatever?

It doesn't matter. Is it a self-driving one? Yeah. Wow. So at the end of, quickly. Yeah, it is. At the end of every week, we have, we read emails. People are asking for advice.

It's called unhelpful advice. Okay. And can you just do the segment and then I will walk you to the car. To your Tesla. To your Tesla. Go ahead, babe. I mean, whoa. Okay.

Unhelpful advice with Barbie, Kalala, and Santa Monica. This question is from Steven. Hey friends, I am a 20-year-old male. For the last year and a half, I've been clean and working out and motivated. My dream is to move to LA to do stand-up. The kicker is my fiance and I just had a beautiful baby boy. So being a provider, I am stuck delivering Red Bull, which is an okay job.

And it pays the bills, but I fucking hate it. I would be able to go for it, but if I wasn't a father or a provider, I don't want to leave my family and be that deadbeat dead. But continuing this shitty job makes me die inside. I feel like a waste of a human and potential. Any ideas? Yeah. Put the kid up for adoption.

No. Bring the kid and the wife with you to Los Angeles, obviously, and of course. And I know you're way too young to be having a kid, but that's the reality. How old is he? 23 years old. It's fine. It's fine. So have that kid and let that motivate you.

But bring your child and your wife to Los Angeles where you can follow your dream. Yeah, but did you start here? No, New York. Yeah. So wherever he lives, he should go up for three years. Yeah. Like four or five times a week. You can write, hey, dude, when you're delivering Red Bull,

there is zero reason why you can't be writing jokes all the time. Yeah. That's a lot of time to write. So it's actually a perfect job for you to think and write. And you know who was a single father who raised, I think, four kids is Josh Wolff. Yeah. Josh Wolff had four kids and he raised them by himself. Yeah.

He had him young, too, right? He's an amazing, he's an amazing, he's a great dude. I love that fucking guy. His energy is young. Yeah, so no excuses, bro. Yeah. And in terms of white dudes that are funny, he's in my top three for sure. Yeah.

You're in my top five. Hey. Anyway, is that it? Yeah, that's it. Any shows? Yeah, do you want to plug in any shows you have? The theater shows that you fucking do? I'll be at the comedy mix in Vancouver, May 4th, 5th, and 6th.

You'll be doing a hundred seat venue with Comedy Jam. Don't be, that's obnoxious dude. In the castle or something. Don't say that. It'll be great. No, that's where I draw the line. Yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, so that's what I'll be doing.

What do I have, babe? Coming up? Nothing. No, you do. You have a few. I have to update your website. We'll go to my website. I love that your girl is so supportive.

She does all my, she does everything. I change his pants daily. She had this, all the stuff she bought. She started this whole thing. She does all my scheduling. You're an effective woman. Thank you. Thank you.

What do you do? Don't let that sit. That's it. That's it? You don't want me to, we're not allowed to. No. We'll give you an extra long hug on your way. No, no, no.

Sweetie, he's in cahoots with the fucking, the guy. Who, Brendan Schaub? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in cahoots together, and I'm not going to do this. This has been going on for two years, every weekend. It's Schaub with you? Yeah, yeah, every weekend. Every text.

But you know, Schaub will put the jealousy in a man. He's a beautiful, he's a beautiful. I don't give a fuck, bro. Because like I said. Yes, you do. You were, you cried on this podcast. There you go again. You cried on this.

That's embarrassing. I know. But I'm just doing the best I can. Aw, poor thing. Face your fears, videotape it. And watch it over and over until there's no effect. Brian, we've had some good guests, but I think you're like one of the best, man.

I really do. And you're so just funny. And I love you. I love you too, Bobby. All right. Brian Cowan, everybody. That was amazing. Thank you, everybody.

We'll be back, guys, with cleaning the house. Hey, dude, a million downloads. If you only do four in a month is a lot. Hey, guys, and we're back for some house cleaning. Mr. George Kimmel. All right. Big news is Eskimo Fucker has been found. I asked this couple of episodes back.

I'm going to do another Nicole Kidman clap. Botox face. She just got down her account because she has to concentrate on school and stuff. I really am, man. I'm glad she's around. I'm glad we didn't. She'll be back once.

Run her off a cliff. What a smart decision. The summer, hopefully. The smart decision that I was like, no, I need to focus on school. I'd be like, nah, I'm going to stop drawing pictures of these dumbasses. Yeah, I hear you, girl.

You're doing the right thing. Then I'm very happy to announce we have over 1,000 reviews on iTunes. Yeah. Nicole Kidman clap, everybody. Finally. So thank you, guys. I was a little whiny last time, I think,

so I'm a little embarrassed, but I appreciate everybody anyway. Nation Foundation. Oh, that's right. Go to nation-foundation.org. Donate money to our friend, Kody. His name's Koby. Koby.

I don't know why I said Kody. Our friend Koby's organization. It helps kids in Uganda with all their scholastic needs. So go there, donate, and it's for a really good cost, and thank you in advance. And I wouldn't promote anything

that I wouldn't do myself, so I gave $50 and I helped out a kid for a year. Oh, whoa. That goes a long way. Yeah, $50. For a whole year, $50? That's amazing. Everyone, $50.

Yes. And if you have an extra $50. A t-shirt. We're almost sold out. The Slap King t-shirts, yeah. We only have, last time I checked, a little bit under a 50 shirts left. And they're taking away

while we were doing this podcast. So taking away. Yeah, don't miss out, because I don't think that we're going to have another run of these. These are the only times that we're going to make them.

So get ahold of them now. So yeah, make sure you get your black or your white Slap King shirt and represent your Supreme Leader. TheTigerBelly.com. That's our website. And then I did check our mailbox the other day.

And what is this? What is this? Prepared? Oh, no. I just, I just, Dear Mr. Kimmel, Connor Carlson thinks I am super cool.

So that's just a. Is he eight years old? Let me read this. Clara, read the whole thing. Read it, read it, read it. Read it. Read the part about Bobby. Dear Mr. Kimmel,

I am a huge fan of you and Tiger Belly. You seem like such a nice and genuine as George would say. Genuine person. And so I feel bad whenever Bobo is, is, is too harsh on you.

Harsh. I'm going to add the R myself. It's too harsh on you. Even though it's quite entertaining. That's what I love. It's, it's, it's, it's hilarious. I feel bad for you, but let it go.

Can we keep it going? Yeah, I agree with you. I do feel bad sometimes, but also it's so. And you then you laugh. Great. But do we not all hug after it? To keep this short?

Yeah. You're super cool. Enjoyed all this guys. This kid's so sweet, Connor. Yeah, he's so nice. Oh, and he gave me some tomato seeds. I laughed so hard when he told me that. I was like,

He's like, what's the thing? What's the most farmer? That's actually very appropriate for the role playing you did earlier, the tomato. Oh, my name is Tomoto. Tomoto and tomato. So I need to make sure those are still tomato seeds. What was this kid's name again?

Connor. Thanks, Connor. Thanks. Thanks for writing George specifically, Connor. I think he needs the boost. Wait, how old is he? I didn't realize the handwriting is so. That was on purpose.

No, he writes like Bobby. He, this is exactly how Bobby writes. Really? Yeah. Even if there are lines on a paper, he's going to go off of it. Oh my God. Yeah.

It's cute though. It's cute. I love it. Yeah. Save it George. Yeah. Be free. Be free with your writing, Connor.

Oh, I got a message from a fan as well. Hey Gilbert, go die, you fuckface. Well, I got also a package and it's a picture of a dick. Okay. Thank you so much, Jason. At least you got one liners. Those are pretty good. Appreciate the brevity.

Oh, yeah. But speaking of packages and sending letters, you can also send us anything and we can put on the, we'll put on the vlog and you can send them too. Yeah, we got a lot this week. 1626 North Wilcox Avenue, number 161, Hollywood, California 90028. Boom.

The live show. Oh, yeah. Do not send any more emails. Yes, guys. We are at capacity. We're at capacity. We're even pushing a bit. If you did write and we haven't responded,

you know, give it another go on the next time, on the next live show. We just can't take as many people as we'd like, unfortunately. And I, we tried to choose, initially, we tried to choose the first 75. And then after that, we, I think that's what we did mostly. It was like the first 75. Yeah.

First come first served. I made a few exceptions here and there. No, it filled up fast. Yeah, there were still great people. For people that wrote really compelling emails. Probably. Wow. Dissertation.

Yeah. So thank you guys for writing in. Much appreciated. And for all of you guys that we will see on Thursday, we're excited. I'm going to be sweating a lot. You're welcome to shake my sweaty hands and see my sweat mustache in the flesh.

Yeah. Bring a handkerchief. Yeah. Bring a handkerchief for me. For Kylo and for your hands. Wear gloves. Wear gloves if you shake my hands. Unless you want to be wet.

So. George, anything else? Oh, we're also on tune in for Android users, but I'm not sure how they're going to be listening to this if they're only listened to people on tune in without knowing. So if you know any friends who, I might be a YouTube listener right now. Yeah.

Wanted to listen to this on tune in. We're on tune in. I might try a few other things since. So as of right now, we are on iTunes. We're on AllThingsComedy.com, which is SoundCloud. And then we're also on Stitcher, which was recommended to us a long time ago for Android users. And now we're on tune in.

Yeah. And we had received an email from Spotify as well. Because they want to add us on Spotify. I'll be $5 million. And then we also on YouTube. And you make sure some. I don't know why people are still messaging us about that. We're like, where's the video?

Like before the audio comes up. We'll just random comments. I think people are new. Just for refresher, audio first on Wednesday. And then now Thursday. We moved it up a day. Thank you, George. Mr. George Kimmel.

We have YouTube videos now on Thursday and in vlogs. We're getting a vlog tomorrow or yesterday. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. We'll see. Mama's been busy, you know? Yeah. Trying to juggle shit. Yeah.

She's getting her first amateur fight at MMA. That's right. You didn't hear? Whoa. Training. OK. Worth it. Oh, you're vlogging that.

All right. Make sure you keep up with us and follow us on Instagram at TigerBelly, on Twitter at TheTigerBelly, and email us any questions. So many questions. So keep us any more on helpful advice at TheTigerBelly at gmail.com. And if you bought a shirt and you email the customer service,

we will get on that. All right, guys. That's it. Bye. Or not bye. Shout out to Stop Your Official for Runnabee Camp. Thank you, guys. Oh, wait.

No. One more second. We're doing shout outs now? Shout out to fucking our. I've been working with Steve a while. Of course I'm doing shout outs now. Shout out to Stop Your Official. A more important, a more important shout out

is for the Armenian genocide. Oh, yes. And if we live in Los Angeles and you can see all the flags flown in Glendale and 1915 never again. I think it's 1915. I think so. Yeah. Sounds right.

Yeah. So hashtag 1915 never again. See, George, my shout outs actually, you know. So I'm going to do a shout out to. Bep up next time. Admin Tiver. Admin. Tiverty.

It's okay. Shout out to Admin Tiverty. You are forgiven. You're forgiven for all this stuff. All right, guys. Bye. Put your hands up. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Barely Ad-Free on Amazon Music, download the

Amazon Music app today, or you can listen to Ad-Free with Wondri Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondri.com slash survey.