TigerBelly - Matt McCusker & the Black Pot Calling the Kettle

Episode Date: December 11, 2024

Comedian Matt McCusker visits the studio and learns the meaning of The Polar Express So stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to www.zocdoc.com/belly to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.That’s www.zocdoc.com/belly  MasterClass always has great offers during the holidays, sometimes up to as much as 50% off. Head over to www.masterclass.com/belly for the current offer. That’s up to 50% off at www.masterclass.com/belly

I like the activities a lot. Really? Yeah, I had a good time on all of them. You're an activities guy? Apparently I am. I didn't know I was until I went to there. And I'm like, I actually love the daytime activities. Yeah, you know, you look like one of those white dudes that in a zombie apocalypse, you

kind of go, yeah, I think she'll be cool. I appreciate that. I really kinda pride myself. I kinda fantasize about end of the earth apocalypse scenarios. You'll die. You'll die, you know what I mean? But you'll die, and we'll go, oh, you're such a nice guy.

You think I would go Christ-like and save people and die? Yeah, you'll do something stupid. Like you'll get like my son's penicillin. You know what I mean? Because he has diabetes or whatever, something, right? And you're like, you can't go, Matt. You're like, I know where the pharmacy is.

You know the path. And then we just never see you again. And I die. I don't even bring back the penicillin? No, what happens is then a year later we see your zombie. Oh. Yeah, yeah. And then we go, let's capture him.

And you try to bring me back. You use a sex zombie thing. A sex thing? You gave me up yet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those cold ass cheeks, dude. Yeah. And I think you'd be cool then too.

You wouldn't be resistant. No, I feel like as a zombie I would just be, I mean I'd be on a chain, I'd be jerking on a chain. Sure, sure. You'd be a great zombie, sure, sure, sure. But you'd still be playful I mean, I'd be on a chain. I'd be jerking You'll be great zombie sure sure sure but You'd still like you know me be playful and you still not resist the sexual activity really you mean And you bend over so you think I'd be a chill zombie really I think so

That's pretty that's a good thing You know, homie, you're not even in the you know, you dead from the beginning. You're like the third guy that dies in the whole apocalypse. That's fine. Why can't he be a zombie? You know, he is a zombie. Oh, okay. Yeah, but he lasts for like four hours. Wrong strain.

The other zombies kill him right away. Just burn. You know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, now when you do, well, yeah, I have, I know. You're not good. You're not good. You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good.

You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good.

You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good.

You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good. You know. You're not good. You know. Interestingly say that when you watch a zombie movie, it's average people Being turned into average zombies You never see Dwarfs on you know, you don't You never see when the lesson you saw dwarf zombie never you never see spinal bifida zombie Yeah, it's just like male models with like facial. Dude, dude. I'm so glad we're on the same page. It's bullshit. It's so bullshit

It'd be nice to quietly make a zombie movie and all the zombies are retarded and just Let somebody say something. What are you talking about? Right, and we're still PC then There's different kinds of retardation, you know, man, you're just like, part of it would be too, like you're trying to escape, but you're laughing so hard. You're like, oh, I just fall down and it's catching you. We're laughing so hard, yeah, yeah. It comes in your door. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we do like, competitions, like, look how easy I could dodge. Right, right? And you're doing like, turn, and your friends are laughing, look at it, yeah? You're weaving in and out of them, right? Because they don't even know what the hell's going on. In fact, we wouldn't even need to board up the fucking

windows or anything. And then in the end, in order to escape, like get to that one safe city on the hill, all the people would have to pretend to like, you know how you pretend to be a zombie? Yeah, yeah. You have to walk by them. Yeah, they're so easily duped.

Because when you're walking dead, don't they coat themselves in the fucking blood? Yeah, yeah. Zombie stuff to mimic them? They would be just, you could just be regular. How about this for the ending? City on the Hill never exists and the main character, like the protagonist is stuck like that forever and he just has to live amongst the zombies

and pretend otherwise he dies. What a role. He has to act 24-7. And that's when he sleeps, you lock the door. That's the only time he can read a book. You can do normal things, right? But when he goes out, dude, he lock the door. That's the only time he could read a book. You could do normal things, right? But when he goes out, dude, he has to act. Yeah, that's crazy.

That's Dustin Hoffman. Yeah, that's the movie. Yeah. Thank you. Wow, man. That's very interesting. Not too much on Dustin, please. What'd you say?

What about Dustin? Not too much. Leave Dustin alone, please. Wait, okay, so. What about Dustin? Not too much. Leave Dustin alone, please. Wait, wait, wait, let me, okay, so. What? It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Wow. It's okay, it's okay.

Sometimes he says stuff like he awakens. He just kind of sees reality for a second and then he just says stuff, so. So let's just, are you a big Dustin Hoffman fan? Anybody is. Anybody. Anybody is. Not everyone.

Anybody. I mean. Everybody should be, that's what I meant to say. What? Everybody should be one of the fans. Yeah, they should be. He's great, yeah, he's great. He's fantastic. Well, what movies did he do that really, you know,

inspired you, man, or made you feel something? What's that movie? You... I forgot the name, it's not Jerry Maguire. Dude, what's wrong with you? You don't even know a movie, dog? You're a huge fan? He was the confident when he said that. You're so confident. Not one. Not one. Wait, I got him confused. Tom Cruise? No, Christopher Walken. Who? Oh, now I'm confused.

Oh, dude. So can we make fun of Dustin then? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. I was thinking about Christopher Walken. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, so. Dustin's still in play. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, my bad. We're gonna have to scrap the first. It's Walken we can't fuck with. Well, what do you love about Walken? His voice. All right, but what movies has he been in? Give me four movies. Christopher Walker's.

Click. Oh, there we go. Oh yeah, there we go. Adam Sandler. Remember Click? Yeah, I like Click. Adam Sandler. I have kids.

I watched that and I'm like, I would smash that fast forward button still. Oh really? Hate it. Just buzz through. I love having kids, but it'd be nice to, I would definitely use that remote response. How many kids do you have?

Two. How old are they? Two and four. Wow. And so then you have to do the one or two and all that stuff. Yeah, you have to talk like a zombie all day. Really?

Really? Even with them, huh? Yeah, yeah. Is that startling, having children? Yeah, for sure. You know, you think, it's just one of those things you just unconsciously do and then you're like, it happens, you're like, what the fuck?

Because I used to smoke a lot of weed and I like, now I don't as much anymore but there's a time where I was like, I can still be like really stoned around kids and it's like, it's too much of a bug out. Really? Yeah, like the magnitude. You think they know or no?

No, they can't tell when you're younger but the magnitude of like what you just got into just hits you and you're like high and you're like, I have to guide these people's lives. Oh, oh wow. It's terrible. It's forever and forever. Die. Wow. It's on an edible like, oh, wow. That's too much. It's a lot. Yeah. But isn't that why the wife sir? Yeah, I there but the man of the house your guide and kind of like the you know philosophy of the house Outlook, oh, let me say I'm a kid. Let's have one of those. I thought you adopted me from Korea I know so what like I'm not gonna say I guess yeah But I'm still like an adult. Okay, so I'm coming in. Hello Hello Dad But I'm still like an adult. Okay. So I'm coming in, hello. Yeah. Hello, I'm dad.

Hello dad. How old are you? My age. Oh fear of being adopted. It would be chores right away. I would say spare the pleasantries son. Oh really? Oh yeah.

But could I have a hug first? For sure. You give me a hug. No I would say hugs only are had by children who do their chores. Really? What about bedtime stories? I actually make up a lot of bedtime stories.

To your kids? Yeah, all the time. Give me one. I have the one I like to do. Daddy, daddy. I'll give you a quick, I'll just summarize it. I won't, because it's kind of long, but me and my daughter made this up.

There's a unicorn who's like the most dazzling unicorn who's just soaring above the magical unicorn valley and there's a little... For real or no? Yeah, well, we just, you know... Oh, that's a story. It's a story. Oh, God. And then there's a little, there's a little beetle.

There's a nasty... History. Wow, you could be his kid. You're like, is that real? I feel like history. But then there's a little beetle who just covets the unicorn's just dazzlingness and just wants to, and it bites the unicorn and absorbs the unicorn's powers,

but is a tiny unicorn beetle. And it goes around Unicorn Valley taking the unicorn, I just stole an episode of My Little Pony. Oh yeah, oh yeah. No, I'm actually riffed by it. So it's like- I was kind of, I did riff it. It is based on the My Little Pony's universe, right? It's like kind of fan fiction we came up with.

Oh wow. But a beetle takes its powers and eventually, like you know, the unicorn loses its powers and has this whole journey where it has to be like a normal horse for a while. Then it saves the younger unicorn babies from having their powers taken and gets its powers back. Look, can I ask you,

because I don't know much about unicorns. I know they're white. Mostly, summer purple, pink. Really? The My Little Pony's, yeah. But, summer purple, pink. Really? The My Little Ponies, yeah. Most are white, yeah. Let's just look at just all the information that we have. White unicorns, rainbow hair, always.

Rainbow hair. Should be rainbow. Right, horn. What color is the horn? Usually golden, if we're going with the classic white, it's usually a golden. Yeah, those aren't fucking. That's one of mine, that's My Little Ponies.

Yeah, but they're not unicorns. Yeah, I know what I want that's my life on it yeah but don't turn that unicorn yeah I know yeah but a true yeah if you want to go back to like the true unicorns it's like white like a golden sparkly horn Matteo Lane writes those so um so what kind of powers? What kind of powers do you, I don't know anything about, I swear to fucking God, dude, I don't know anything about unicorns, you're saying suck power, what kind of powers do they have? What kind of suck power? They absorb power.

Well the beetle took their powers. Okay, but what's the power? Just to be like, they're like rogue. It's beauty, it's pretty much. What's your name from X-Men? Oh yeah, Rogue. Rogue, powers. Wait, okay, but what's the power? Just to be like... They're like rogue. It's beauty.

What's your name from X-Men? Oh, yeah, rogue. Rogue. I think unicorns are like... Zoom in, zoom in. I want to read on them. Yeah, there you go. Speed, ferocity.

I was going to say... It purify water? Of course. It's a Brita filter. Healing. That's cool. Protecting... Unicorns are the intersection between beauty and danger.

That's what I always thought. They symbolize. Wow. But I guess elusiveness and untamability as well. Making people pure. Yeah. What does that even mean, Dave? That's true.

That's a good question. What does it pure mean? What's purity? I mean, I don't know to be fair. I couldn't really say. It gets rid of the gay. Maybe. Yeah, that's a good question. I mean, I don't know to be fair. I couldn't really say. It gets rid of the gay. Maybe, yeah, I was thinking the other way of like, kind of like losing your, ads gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe that is pure. Gay people are kind of pure. They're very pure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very pure, they're probably ads. Singularly focused, you know, not really distracted. Yeah, I want to go back to though, I'm so fascinated about, because you're a comic,

and how old were you when you had your baby? Your first one? Like 35, I think. Yeah, so it's like. 34. Yeah, I mean, because I know the lifestyle. I know how difficult it is to start. When you had the kid, were your things popping already?

Obviously, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, popping. Yeah. And then, how'd you meet your wife? When you had the kid, were your things popping already? Obviously, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, popping, yeah. And then, how'd you meet your wife? We met on Tinder. Aw. I met Kalei, my ex-wife. Did you really? Yeah, we met on Tinder, dude.

It was like, you know, I was coming out of another marriage and I was a divorcee. Oh, you had another one? Yeah, yeah, I had been married. What happened? What happened there? I think I blew it. I think I just blew it.in. I wasn't mature enough

Yeah, man, I mean this one talking about it. No, I mean I just for her sake more so I don't care But I just kind of blew it dude. I didn't know I just entered every relationship I was in before that was just like a thing that like girls would be like we have to do this and I'd be like, okay Mmm, oh you wouldn't put it you put your foot down Eventually, I wouldn't at first then six. Eventually, I wouldn't at first, then six months later I'd be like, I can't do this. Oh, right, right. Let me ask you something that just happened to me,

and I guess, so there was this girl that I met in Irvine months ago. She came with her sister and everybody, and then I thought she was cute. And then, and she was the one that also approached me on the internet. It was, you know, I didn't like seek her out. She was like, I'm a fan, and I think you're cute, kind of a thing. And she was the one that also approached me on the internet. I didn't seek her out.

She was like, I'm a fan and I think you're cute, kind of a thing. I complimented the show. And then after that, she was MIA, missing in action. I would text her, she wouldn't text me back, which is fine, I let it go. And then a couple of weeks ago, she texts me again and then I go, you wanna go out to date and then she goes

Not unless you set me up with a date with some other white comic what? Yeah, and this has been happening a lot lately hold on Seriously, yeah, dude. What's the toll do you have like is there like a toll they have to pay or they just like no I'm not like a fucking troll. No No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, to be fair. So she goes, she goes, having the best time, I don't wanna, you know what I mean, I don't want her to listen and get, I don't fucking care.

I don't fucking care, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do I do, like protecting people? Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she, right, then I go, and then, so, then I go, dinner this week, and she goes, if you put in a good word for me to Alec Flynn, Oh, really? a good word for me to Alec Flynn. Oh, really?

Yeah, you don't know Alec Flynn. You guys know Alec Flynn? I didn't either. What? Already. That night I was doing a show, right? And there was a guy named Alec Flynn on the lineup. I read it. Yeah.

Right, I meet him, nice guy. Apparently he's kind of a young guy rising, okay? And I just gave her Alec, I go, what's your number? And he gives me the number and I go, I just gave it to this girl. So then I go, I sent her this photo of Alex Flynn. Okay. Then I go, here's the number, I swear to God we're done.

And she goes, done with what? I go, anything. No dinner, I swear to God, we're done. And she goes, done with what? I go, anything. No dinner. Do you think I should? Yeah, dude, you earned it. I know, but it hurts my feelings. I know, that is pretty lame. It's pretty crazy you gave her the note.

I would have been like, fuck you. I wouldn't have. No, you know, I'm a gift giver too. That is a gift giver. I wanted to go, you know what? I'm like, I'm above it. So just, you can have the number, and then he, I ran into him again,

and he goes, oh man, I gotta get it. What, was she like crazy or something? She's a little nuts. Yeah, literally. Although that's kind of pure on your behalf, to be like, here you go, just take the number, I'll match these two people up. Really, you think that's pure?

You think most guys wouldn't do that? I would have been like, fuck you. Right. And then I would have held a grudge against the guy too. I was like, fuck you, dude. I would have to get off. Oh, he's done with comedy. Yeah.

He's gonna be, no, no, he's not gonna. Improv, laugh after he comments, no, you're out. You know what I mean? I mean, you're talking to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gonna be black, but I'm listening. You have good moros for that. Moro? Moros. Okay, thank you. listening. You have good moros for that.

Moro? Moros. OK, thank you. You know I can't say my R's. Yeah. Wait, I'm going to have to. You didn't say the L. Oh.

Yeah, you didn't say the L. Moro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You did a good deed, so now. There you go. There you go. I mean, I love you. I love you, guy.

You know? Oh. I love you, I love you guy. You know? Um. Sock Doc, Sock Doc. Sock Doc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors, choose the right one for your needs, and click to instantly book an appointment now Jaime. Yes. How are you? Good. Like, you know, sometimes we review, choose the right one for your needs, and click to instantly book an appointment now, Jaime. Yes. How are you?

Good. You know, sometimes we watch reviews for restaurants and other things. Why wouldn't we do it for our health? Why not? Yeah, exactly. We're talking about like, in network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers

across every specialty, from mental health to dental health, eye care and skin care and much more. Exactly dude. Exactly what I was going to say dude. You can also see their actual appointment openings, choose a time that works for you and click to instantly book a visit. But ZocDoc appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments. So stop putting off those doctor appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash belly to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today that's zocdoc.com slash belly. Zocdoc.com slash belly.

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to give anyone for Christmas or the holiday season, right? Knowledge and instructions to do whatever field that they want to do, my friend. Gift unlimited learning, learn from any Masterclass instructor anywhere on a smartphone, computer, smart TV, or even in audio mode. Masterclass always has great offers during the holidays, sometimes up to as much as 50% off. Head over to masterclass.com slash belly for the current offer. That's up to 50% off at masterclass.com slash belly. Masterclass.com slash belly. Let me just say this, wisdom.

You know, you did a good deed for doing that, for that guy, whatever, and now you're gonna get that deed back. There you go. You know, karma. Okay, so here we go, let's talk about karma. Okay, do you believe in it? Yeah, thank you, I think it's pretty true.

But Buddhists believe the regional karma, right, it's your next life it affects, not this life. Really? Yeah. So it's like if you see a homeless person, that's a bad, if you see somebody that just has really bad luck, that's why I say that. True. Cut that other part out.

I don't want to get in trouble. I don't want to get in trouble, right? But it's like, they were probably like a bad, like, oh, there's pulp-hot. And you get him in the face. But it's like the next life. So it's like, I don't really, I mean, because you look at, you know there's a lot of bad people

that get everything. And nothing bad happens to them. Yeah. You know that? True. I think eventually though it comes tumbling down. You think so? They die and just feel wretched about it all.

Oh really? I think so. They're in bed and they're like, oh. Yeah. I think a point hits you. In a wretched life. Yeah. I think so.

Really? Yeah. Because I think people start to hate them. And by a certain point you just get alienated. Or people just constantly suck up to you until you die. Yeah. And you kind of detect that. And you're like, ugh. Yeah. Because I've had phone calls of to you until you die. Yeah. And you kind of detect that you're like, yeah, because I've had phone calls of

people that I fucking hate. Yeah. That are like just like just terrible people and they go, I just got a three picture deal of Paramount. You know what I mean? And you're like, you're you're you're not, you know, this is back when I was in Silver Lake. I would be like, yeah, living in a one bedroom apartment with nine other

comics, you're going, oh wow, good for you. Good. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, and then nothing bad happens. You know what I mean? They're oh wow, good for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then nothing bad happens. You know what I mean? They're in the limelight, and then they diss you when they make it.

It's fucked up. You know what I mean? And no, but I'm just saying, I've seen it, right? So in my mind, I'm like, there's no way karma is a real thing. I still think it is. Really? I think of it like the weather.

It's like if you're putting bad stuff out there, there's just like a cloud that's eventually hovering over you that will eventually catch up with you. Factual. Unless you die, well then yeah, if you die quickly in a car crash, it's like bam, like I guess, I don't know if that's eventually hovering over you that will eventually catch up with you. Unless you die, well then yeah, if you die quickly in a car crash, it's like bam, I don't know if that counts for being over here. But yeah, yeah.

But we've also both known great guys that have just died. Great people that have just died abruptly. And you can't pinpoint anywhere in their life where you're like, oh they were just always good. Yeah, they were so good that, yeah, God was like, all right, Saudi prayer right now. Oh, so you believe in God. I think so, yeah.

I think so. I think so. It's like. You do. It's like what they say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. In a way, I don't really,

I don't have like a fundamentalist thing to it, but I think there's, I think the universe is conscious for sure. Yeah. Wow. I think so. It's a better way to live your life. It is. It's hard to prove otherwise. People act like you have to prove one way or the sure. Wow. I think so. It's a better way to live your life. It is, it's hard to prove otherwise. People act like you have to prove one way or the other.

Yeah. Dude. Why can't it just be a feeling? That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, because I'm in AA, and in AA we have a higher power. I have friends that I go, dude, it's not real. You're doing it yourself.

You're sober because of yourself. I go, it's like this saying. Wow. Damn, that was like a really powerful speech too. doing it yourself. You're sober because of yourself. I go. It's like the same. That was like a really powerful speech too. That sucks. I got interrupted. That's so true. Right, Matt? Wow. It's like, it's okay. It's like what they say. Okay. Okay. When you're at your highest, this is more moral no When you're at your highest, you know, the devil comes knocking there you go So no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no you go. Explain, I don't know what you're saying. When you're at your highest moment in your life,

like anything in your career, the devil will come knocking and that's when everything will tumble down. I've been reading a lot of books with my girl. You've been reading books? She's making me read books now. Yeah, that's crazy. What book is that in?

No, not, oh Jesus Christ. Oh. Oh. You lie or what? Why did you panic? Yeah, dude. It's just a book with a bunch of sayings. Oh, I see.

It's like I like to give the benefit of doubt. They're just quotes. Yeah. That's what they're reading a book about. By Aristotle or whatever, right? You just read quotes all day long. Yeah? Are you just eating fortune cookies? Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Oh, another book. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you've never read a book, let's be honest. Let's get down to the fundamentals. You've never read a book. I have read honest. Let's get down to the fundamentals. You've never read a book.

I have read a book, sir. There you go. Okay, what book did you read, sir? Huh? The Giving Tree. What? The Giving Tree. Yeah, okay.

That's a good book. I just read that. It's pretty good for your two-year-old. I was at home. I had the copy from when we were younger. My little sister had gotten mad at some point and crossed out mom, and all the, she was mad at my mom. I was bringing the giving tree to my kid,

and I was like, who the fuck? Who you face this story? Wow, wow. I asked my sister, she was like, yeah, I was pissed at mom, and I crossed off mom. When she was a kid. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, I was like, damn, that's kind of cold. Yeah, I mean, I remember, what's the, give me the first name of the author. I have no idea, to be honest. Just give me, I want to try to guess the last, Sheldon. Is the last name Sheldon? Cool, you're close with the name of the author? I have no idea, to be honest. Just give me, I wanna try to guess the last, Sheldon. Is his last name Sheldon? You're close with the name,

but the first name is closer to that, Shell. Shell Silverstein? That's what it is. I had a feeling it was Shell Silverstein. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, I thought he... So Shell Silverstein and the Giving Tree, so let me, I forgot, I'm not even, I'm not kidding you.

That's, I remember the cover. So basically at the end of the, I just remember at the end of this book, it's just a slog. Right? He chops it down. Stomp, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He gave everything to that boy.

And then he sits on the thing at the end. But what happens in the middle? I mean, why did he do that? The man is, that little boy is full of worldly desires and he keeps asking the tree for more and more until the tree becomes just a stump and then he becomes an old man and in the end he just sits on the stump.

The tree gave him everything selflessly, like you. Gave him everything selflessly. Wow. And the tree becomes a stump and he's like, it's all good. Oh, he was a Jew. Or, are we sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you sure it's the giving tree?

Is that the giving tree Is that the taking tree I mean the last name says it all the boy was like Like Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, yeah, you think I gave you trouble. I don't know I don't yeah, I don't know but for sets Bonnie. That's you do you think? I don't, yeah, I don't know. But for, that's funny, that's hilarious. I know, I'm sorry. Shell would have laughed. I know, he would have. Shell would have laughed. Yeah, yeah.

But doesn't it suck that you have to edit? You think so? You don't edit? Not really. You and Shane don't edit. Unless if it's like a purse, someone's personal detail, then we like edit that out all the time. If we're like telling a story about a family,

like, oh shit, let me edit that. All right, right. People's like personal names, but. You're not afraid of getting canceled or anything like that no I don't think we I mean that's that's light-hearted stuff you know what I mean it's like that's fun and I you know I know Jewish people laugh at that okay yeah I don't worry about this but if you want to cut it man no no no with you cut it but so the taking tree yeah yeah so you read the um the giving tree yes

yeah yeah I have. And that's the only book you've read? No, I've read books. Give me another book. But that's the only one that came to my mind. What's another one that comes to your mind? How fast are these ideas coming to your mind? Pretty fast.

What, really? Yeah. Okay. I'm very intrigued right now. He got that from a book the word intrigued You know, yeah very factual. Yeah. Yeah about like books how it's like you ever seen the polar express movie Yeah, I guess yeah, it was it's a spielberg movie or he produced it. Was it tom hanks? I think spielberg produced it or tom hanks was in it

Okay, it's a good movie. Do you know the message behind them? Was it Tom Hanks? I think Spielberg produced it. Well, Tom Hanks was in it. Okay. It's a good movie. Do you know the message behind the movie? No, tell us, we love messages from you. So I was watching the Polar Express with my girl. I have a girl. You know that's in a book though, right? Is it a book?

No. You said I'm watching. Oh yeah, I'm watching the movie. Okay. You've seen the movie? I haven't seen it. There it is. That one.

Tom Hanks. Did Spielberg direct it or produce it? He produced it. Okay. You never seen this movie? I don't think so. Have you seen it, Bobby? I mean, just tell me. Just tell me.

I mean, just tell me. Okay, so the train. Just tell the fucking message, man. Well, because it's the holidays. So, look, basically what the train stands for, it's like to restore faith back into, you know, faith. Like religion and like believing in Santa Claus. It's like to restore faith back into faith. Like religion and believing in Santa Claus. So you should watch this movie with your kids.

Especially the hot chocolate scene. Okay, really? I'll check it out. Matt, please. I'm serious, please. Please don't lie. It's an animation movie. You're never gonna watch that.

No one's gonna watch that. Actually, we'll watch it. Oh yeah, so It's an animation movie. You're never gonna watch that. No one's gonna watch that. Actually we'll watch it. It's an animation movie. From the 2000s. And the message is what? Restoring faith back into believing in Santa Claus. In Santa Claus again. That's the message. But what's the overall message on that though?

True. The meta message. Whatever you want it to be. Wow. Very postmodern, very postmodern. Peterson not happy. Very, very, very. True.

Now, is it hard on you when you're on the road, Matt? Do you go on the road with Shane a lot or no? Not a lot, but I do whenever, like, I'm gonna have some dates where I can. I like to do it when I can. It's just a lot, because he does massive, huge venues. It's a totally different thing. But it's fun to just hang out and fuck around.

Yeah, but I mean, when you're up, because I've done some shows like that. We did Fully Loaded, pretty massive. When you're up there, what are you feeling there? Oh dude, I just leave my body. I know. So I'm just up there I'm like watching my I'm like hearing myself to stand up and just like looking at people and just like all of a sudden It's over. I'm like, oh fuck you can't I can't believe it sometimes. It's too much

Yeah, I learned from fully loaded though. There is an art form to the giant like arena venues Oh there is a yeah, tell me tell me some of the rules here. Let's have a young comic like Theaters now what's what are the rules? You got to hype it up and if at a like a arena thing you have to come out and be like guys This is oh my god. This is so beautiful. It's crazy We're doing like this is just the best thing in the way like you have to like you have to do that up front I think so. I know I don't think you don't have to it helps to come out and I've never done that Oh fuck man fucked it up. I've never done it either. I've been watching and I'm like damn

I've seen people do that like yeah, oh every go, guys, I mean, this is just like, I mean, this is so amazing. You know, it's like, you were like, ah. Yeah. So, that's a trick. Yeah, I've never done that. Yeah, I've always went, don't fuck up the first joke. Yeah, true.

You know, don't fuck up, right? Because then, right? Yeah, dig our drowning. You're done. Yeah, you're done. So I did a show with Bird, maybe a couple of months ago in Vegas, and he was, I didn't know what it was, and I had to cold open.

It was so hard, like the lights turned on in this theater. Well there's also people just coming in. Exactly, right? And I remember, so my friend Gene and Dumbfounded came, and they're in the back, and I literally mumble the first sentence, and all of a sudden I could feel my forehead split open and just water just starts dripping down. I'm not kidding you, dude.

I just start sweating profusely and I remember in my mind going, uh-oh, but then I go, take a breath, slow down, slow down, and then eventually, you know what I mean, but it was like, it was a panic. You've never bombed in front of those many people? I've done like poorly. I don't think it was like a cold bomb,

but it's hard to tell. Especially when there's like thousands and thousands of people. Because people will laugh, but you're like, damn, the percentage of the audience who's laughing is not a lot. I am making 2000 people laugh right now, which is an accomplishment,

but there's 6000 other people who don't really seem to care for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we can see their faces. I know. You know what I mean? Sometimes I get like, like people shake their head. Yeah. Like not good.

You know what I mean? And you're in your mind, because you're like thinking, I got the next joke, but then also you're aware of like, oh, those people don't't like and there's so much Going on in your brain. Yeah, you know man, and then you're on a giant screen right behind yourself. Oh Fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So when you're on the road Cuz you're you're still attracted to your wife. I guess yeah, you're in love with her. Yeah Yeah, I thought you're saying you're like, I'm still attracted to your wife. I was like, oh sweet

Never I've never met with your wife. Yeah, I'm still attracted to her attraction. That was like, oh sweet. I've never met your wife. I'm still attracted to her. Physical attraction. That's great. It's very strong. And is it hard to like... Yeah, I mean it's like hard to be away or hard to be like a total pig and cheat on her all the time. Cheat on her and stuff. I know some guys that do it. Yeah. I I understand the temptation and I have a big Like you hear people getting caught just like being like just pigging out on the road now I'm kind of like I get it like I there's no like part of like judgment where I'm like, I can't believe you did that I'm like no, I get it. That's a strong. I actually don't I don't get it. I do I I'll tell you why I don't get it

Why right because it's like Like you know I was with Kaila, you know, I mean for ten years never cheated on her, right? Mm-hmm, and it was hard, you know, I mean, but you know, I mean but not is was it because it's like I just know That I'm not gonna do it. Well, that's the thing. It's it's easy I think I think it also is easy not to do it But it's like it's one of those things where of those things where you can take a million tiny steps. It's like a strong river, the desire to just have sex with somebody, and you can be like,

I'll get a drink after the show at the bar by myself. And it's like, why? What are you doing? Because then you're like, that's one little step. And they're like, oh, a lady. I'll just chat this lady up. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then your knees touch next to the bar.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's just, it's just, pfft. Oh, it's over. Yeah, yeah. Those are little things to stay. I had a manager one time of a comedy club who kept being like, he kept trying to like get me to go to like an after hours like speakeasy. I was like, I don't really drink like that, man. I'm going to go to bed. He's like, dude, just drink like a mocktail. I was like, what am I going to, I'm not going to drink, I'm

going to drink papaya juice at two in the morning And just talk to you, I'm going to bed. The only reason to be up at like one, two a.m. at a speakeasy is to try to fuck a lady. Just bask in the ambiance and be like, nice. What I say to myself is, I know once I release the goo. Oh yeah, yeah. So in my mind I'm like, release the goo, release the goo. And then when I go home, I just feverishly,

you know what I mean, I don't really lay down, I'm just standing still. I close up, and I feverishly do it, right? And my eyes roll back, and then once I release the goo, I go thank God. Yeah, true. You know what I mean? The goo in your body, I'm not a scientist

or a medical person, you get me. I guess you. But for some reason it's like, I think that sperm is liquid love. That's a good point. Right, so it's basically. It's a love potion. I love my girlfriend, right?

And then you nut, you're like, she's all right. Right? She's all right, you know what I mean? Yeah, I still like her, you know what I mean? But it's not as intense. And then when it rebuilds, the love comes back. It's so true. Yeah, so it's like, I just know that when I'm out there,

I just need, once I nut, I'm fine, so I just get to the nut. Yeah. As soon as you get to the hotel room, that's kind of standard policy. Drop my bags. Do you watch the porn? Sometimes, yeah.

I try not to, but I still do watch. It's hard not to. Yeah, cause you're like, you know. You can't watch in Texas. Yeah, there's still old sites you can go to. Oh no, tell me about that. You just can't watch Bornhub in Texas. Is there any other ones you can't watch?

Exit? I don't know. My guy was about to list off all of them can't name one book You didn't want to blow up the spot that was honorable that's honorable Government will watch this so you haven't you haven't seen like when you when you guys are in Texas You've not got your poor notes up, but you've never looked at other ones or have yeah You can look at other ones still what I mean, what are they banning? Just Pornhub? It's Pornhub and there's like two other,

just like the big ones. It's the blue one. Blue one. Yeah, the blue one you can access. Yeah, the blue one you can access. Don't tell, yeah, good call. Can't you just be piano? Yeah.

You can be piano. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I do though? Well, here's the thing. I've been reading just erotic literature. Everyone makes fun of me. Just read some user generated erotic literature. Really? Yeah, it's kind of nice. So erotic literature.

Yeah, just like stories. They're just like sexually charged vignettes. When I was a younger man I did that. Yeah. I got a couple of books from F Street Bookstore, which was a younger man I did that. Yeah. I got a couple of books from F Street Bookstore, which was a porn bookstore. Oh, you went for like the novels. That's kind of nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember masturbating back in my early 20s to literature. You know what I mean?

It feels cleaner. I don't know what it is about it. Yeah. Not just on your phone hunched over with a bunch of ads pinging in your face. And also with literature, if it gets darker is it I mean you could stop to you it's your you go darker now no I don't I don't like like the brutality and stuff like that little scandal sure a little scandal obviously choked a little better I wouldn't mind oh yeah choking is fine yeah it's like when people are like I'm gonna fucking filthy slut and spit no I don't I don't like

but yeah of course yeah a little a little choking a little you know rough people are like, I'm gonna fucking filthy slut and spit. Oh, I don't do that. I don't like that. I don't do that. But yeah, of course. Yeah, a little, a little choking, a little, you know, rough and tumble play obviously is fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you and Shane roommates? We were for a while. Not anymore.

No, we were roommates in Philly for like four years maybe. So you both talk, like you guys have similar. We do. Yeah, that. When you just said that, it's such the same cadence. Yeah, we do. But I know, but why? We just lived, we've done a podcast together for six years. or that, when you just said that, it's such the same cadence. But I know, but why? We just lived, we've done a podcast together

for six years, we talk all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel like you absorb people's mannerisms, but yeah, we do, we talk similar, yeah, we do. Is he still seeing that blonde girl? Yes, he is a blonde girlfriend. That girlfriend? Yeah.

No, I know her. Oh, do you really? Well, he, I guess she likes my stuff. So, Shane one time texted me going, Oh, my girl, what? Yeah, I know you're talking. Is that an influencer? Is that her?

Same girl? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do you like her? Yeah, I think she's really nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do, I think she's really nice. Yeah, yeah.

I'm so happy for him. But is he, I don't want really nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do, I think she's really nice. Yeah, yeah. I'm so happy for him. But is he, I don't wanna talk about him. Okay. Yeah, fuck that guy. What am I talking about? Would you consider Shane a best friend? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, so like if he dated like a horrible girl,

you would tell him? Mm-hmm. Okay. I would tell him, I'm like, dude. No, he's also pretty judicious about that. Like, I mean, you would tell him? Yeah. Wow, so if my girl was like,

what would you have to catch her doing? I don't know, I mean. Yeah, she goes, yeah, Shane's giving me like 30% of his income. I don't care about that. Oh, you don't, okay. You know, let's say I'm, okay, I'm in her, right? And Shane's on the road, I come over to your house.

And she goes, hey, just don't tell Shane this, but I've been giving guys a head a couple times. I would tell him right away. You would? I would say, prove it, and then I would. Oh, I see, I see. But no, actually, he's more of the type of person, really, who will take you aside and be like, bro.

Right. You know what I mean? He's very good like that. Yeah, but you know sometimes like... I would wait for a while like a coward, but I would eventually be like, how's it going in a roundabout way? Like you guys do it... Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow.

He's more direct and upfront. I'm very... You're very what? So cute. I'll like kind of work around... Around the thing. You're not confrontational. No, not really. Yeah, me either, I hate confrontation. I have to be pushed to like an absolute, and like when the moment that leads up to confrontation,

my heart's going like 140 miles per hour. But then I'd usually feel great afterwards. Do you stutter when you're confronting somebody? Yeah, for sure. What do you mean? Well, I'll like really, not like a thing, but I'll just, it's like a total. Okay, let's say I'm your wife, right,

and you found out that I cheated on you. Yeah, how do you let that would be a moment of clarity? Okay, but you're gonna come on all right. Yeah, I was sitting honey. I'd wait for that. Let's act it out. Okay I'm telling you right now. Okay, you're out. You're out with your friends Well, yeah, go have a great time And I'm sitting at a table quietly waiting for your return and I have my proof right next to me I go sit down right do you take notes? No, I would just have like I would have like screenshots or whatever my proof well okay I come I would be like so oh my god with me and Sally we went to the bar mitzvah it's a new bar called it's like anyway anyway

anyway and we had so much we danced to like 80s music, you know, a lot of Flakasiegel's, a lot of like Duran Duran, and now. I would go enough! And then I would slide her on my proof. Yeah, what is this? I'll say you've been cheated. No, don't say I will say, just act it. What is this?

You tell me. Whoa. Okay, that's me and John. Yeah, you sucked his dick. No I didn't, we were sun John. Yeah, you sucked his dick. No, I didn't. We were sunbathing naked. You sucked his dick. Okay, I did.

I know you sucked his dick. Yeah, and then actually after that, here's the thing, I don't think I would get like, wildly violent, it would just be like, all right, that's what you chose. Can you give me another shot though? No. What?

Dude, yeah, once. No, no, no. That's a line, that's a red line. No, no, give me another shot.'s a line. That's a red line. No, no, no. Give me another shot. No. Why?

That's a red line for me. No, one shot. I've given you enough. Really? So they fuck up once you're out. Like that for sure. Cheating dude, that's crazy. Yeah, but there's so many different factors that go into it.

Yeah, but the problem is, and I've told this to my wife before, it is worse for women to cheat than for men. Men cheating shouldn't cheat at all. It's still bad. Yeah, but women cheating what it opens up is the possibility of you raising a child That's not yours by oh, I wouldn't do that, which is just like well, that's what you think Every cheating. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's also even kind of weird or two If you're just like kind of going around carefully like doling out hand job It's like if someone's gonna cheat I wish they would like fully just right having like protective sex and cheating is kind of gross Yeah, you know I'd be kind of this Kind of true. It's like having all these medical devices with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then also they have to like

Do you like get a second phone? Yeah, it's a lot of whole thing I thought women don't have to get second women can get away with it so much easier like cuz I've never gone Let me see your let me see your text. You ever done that now You have done it yeah, yeah, I've done it too Maybe I've secretly checked or if I've got like I hustled on my who the fuck is that that's like But I think I've definitely, I know I've gone through somebody's phone before.

That's also disheartening. Did you ever do that and halfway through, you don't even find anything and you're like, ugh, I'm a piece of shit. I've literally never looked at anyone's phone. I've done it before. Because to me it's like, if they wanna fuck other people, fuck other people, I just wanna know so I can get out of it.

That's how I feel now. But when I was younger, I'd be like, ugh. She better not cheat on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In our 20s, right, it means the feelings are more intense. And everything, because, and I've always said this about people that live in small towns, there's not a lot of exciting things going on,

and their excitement is meeting somebody and sex and all that kind of stuff, right? That's true. And the drama of all that. But it's like, I feel like there's so many other things that I could be doing that are exciting, that I could look forward to, that it no longer has the power,

the feeling doesn't have the power behind it. Yeah, I agree. And you also know where it goes. So like you were saying, it's just like, all right, this is all ventrally. This will be cool for like, what I'm saying is I've never had, I haven't had since my 20 saying, like it's just like, all right, this is all eventually. This will be cool for like. What I'm saying is I've never had, I haven't had since my 20s, I haven't had like,

I'm in love, I'm dreaming. Oh my lord, you know what I mean? And calling everybody, telling everybody, oh my god, I'm in love guys, you know what I mean? And you know what I mean, on a cloud, that has not happened in 30 years. Since I did my first open mic, it died. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, oh no, this is way better. It's like what they say, kura-ar-sili kill the cat if you go through the phone. Kura-ar-sili? It's an Asian accent. Yeah, yeah, what? Kura-ar-sili kill the cat? Hold on, let me say it again.

Yeah, say it again, please. Hey, like they say, you go through people's phone and you find stuff out change that Why'd you change that? You know you give us another context what yeah Of what? What do you mean? When you go that thing kills the cat what's another context? Yeah, yeah to put yeah Curiosity kills the cat. Yeah, I want another context. Well, I don't know just give me another context

Yeah, so go ahead of like not going through the phone. Yeah, give me another thing not the phone What else kill the cat? Yeah Can't think of anything right now, sir What do you think? You're the one that brought it up, dude. Yeah, cause he- You're the one that brought it up. What do you mean go to my guest and go, what do you think?

What do you think? No, no, no, no, no, I'm not, I'm asking, I'm asking for your ability to find it. Okay, okay. Yeah, I know Matt can do it. Oh, he can. Sorry, we have to do it. It's cause I'm new to this, hold on.

You can go through the phone. You're back by one? What? Hey, what'll happen if I'm smoking while I fill up my gas tank? Well, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat. Oh, that's a good one, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now come up with another one like that. Okay, okay, you're at a restaurant. But no smoking or phone. Okay, okay, okay. He does the same. Yeah, you're gonna smoke it by your phone. You're at a restaurant and the waiter tells you about the chef specials. Yeah.

And you order it and it's bad. That's not, no. I'll tell you. But there's no curi... But is that it? It's curious. Yeah, I guess you're right. Only curious people get the chef specials.

Yeah. Whenever they tell me them, I'm like, just come on. Right. And it'd be weird if the waiter goes, you know, I wouldn't get the special. You know what I mean? It's weird. And then you're like, you know, I'm gonna, this, come on. Right. It'd be more if the winner goes, you know, I wouldn't get the special, you know what I mean? It's weird. And then you're like, you know, I'm gonna get it.

I think that's better, right? And it's bad. Right, and then. Yeah, exactly, it's terrible. Yeah. And it's like, the other saying is like. Okay, so there's so many sayings today for you, man. So let's read a whole book of them.

Yeah, yeah. So we have, curiosity kills a cat. What was the one before that? Yeah, yeah, so we have curiosity kills a cat. What was the one before that? Your highest moment the devil comes Devil comes knocking. That's great. Yeah, so no, so give me another one. I'm looking at it. Okay. Yeah the hot kettle in the pot black pot You gotta be kidding right now. No, you gotta be kidding me right now. No, hold on. You gotta be fucking kidding me right now, dude.

He got it, he got it, he got it. The kettle in the black pot calling the teapot. Are you fucking real right now, dude? There's no way, dude. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, but yeah, we know what you're talking about. There's no way you're fucking that up. No, hold on.

Be real, dude. Okay, okay. This is real. All right. Jesus. Real. The's being real, dude. Jesus. The kettle calling the black pot. You almost got it. You almost have it. The kettle in the black pot.

Calling the, okay. Calling the, it's fine. Okay. Yeah, what does that mean though? I don't know. You don't know what it means? Well, like it's a black pot calling the kettle. Oh, that's...

It's closer, they close it. You know what I mean? It's like if your wife is cheating, but I'm cheating too, right? I'm like, you're fucking cheating. You know what I mean? And then she can say that. Calling the kettle hypocrisy.

Yeah, yeah. Two birds, one stone. So bam, there you go. There you go. Two, that's another one. What's another one? Two birds, one stone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So give me an example where you would apply that? Two birds, one stone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So give me an example where you would apply that. Two birds, one stone? Yeah. You killed a... The bird. Oh, wait. They kill a bird with one stone. Oh, kill two birds with one stone.

Yeah, yeah, that's it. So give me an example. Give me an example of that. Let me see. You were in a relationship for two years. You call your girlfriend. Already, no. No? Oh girlfriend already now I feel like I'm not getting to get there you sorry you're in a relationship for two years

right Matt and you call your girl you're out doing a show you call her she butt-dows you mmm oh wait hold on that doesn't make sense keep going she Keep going. She butthoes you, if you answer. You just got off a good show. You hear, you know, noises. Fallace, you know, fallace show. Fallace-ian, you know. Would that kill you? That's it, that's it. Okay.

Although two birds are involved, mine and... Yeah, yeah. It would be like this, okay? Okay, give me one then. I'll try to get, right, it's like, you know what I then. I need to get a hammer, right? And I want to get like a diet Red Bull, okay? So should I go to the hardware store and then go to CVS? Or I could just get both of them at Target or whatever,

and you know, getting two birds with one stone. Two birds with one stone, that makes sense. One action accomplishing two things. Yeah, okay. You weren't even close. I don't think I just was close No, it was just me getting cuckolded I hear you, but that's why I'm saying that's why I think it's slightly again slightly more insidious for women to cheat because it Opens up a whole other thing that can be pretty terrible is's why I think it's slightly again slightly more insidious for women to cheat because it opens up a whole other Thing that can be pretty terrible is like it's like it's way Better for a woman to learn that you have a secret kid than a man to realize he's been secretly raising some other guys kid

Which I would I would be honorable I would still love the kid that it's not the kids fault But that's that's like wild for like just all of that love and his feelings and to learn that it was just all based on a lie That would be yeah, really really terrible. Yeah, but you know, but again, it's like it's just what it is Yeah, I mean I would you know, um, you know be I'm single now and I'm you know I sometimes I'll meet see a girl online that has children or a child right and in my mind I'm like, I I don't know if I could do I don't know stepdad. I don't know. I And in my mind I'm like, I don't know if I could do it. I don't know.

I don't know. I want to try. I'm like one little notch above him in terms of intelligence. Are you worried that like you might get in there? I'm sorry, was that offensive? Yes. It was offensive?

I think what scares you the most. Yeah. What is up with you today? I've never seen you like this. When he started dating this girl. Yeah, yeah. A month ago. Yeah, while we're getting close to you, now it's enlightened you.

She's very, yeah, yeah. So go ahead. She's very into, oh shit, I can't say that word. What? Into, like smart, into. Yeah. Introspective. Introspective. No until

Yeah, wait, are you fucking kidding me? You don't want the word intellectual, but I know the meaning of it. There you go. That's better My bad my bad Jaime It's like the concept of life itself Like what miss people have the misconception about life is like the concept of being a stepdad and a stepmom I'm not saying you're a stepmom no I got you appreciate that you're talking about like more of like an Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. You may, I can tell it makes sense. Who are you seeing right now? What does she do for a living?

Huh? Your girlfriend. Well, she does it for a living? Yeah. Um, various jobs. Yeah, can you give me one specific? Not like that, not like that. No, no, no, I don't think like that at all.

I wasn't thinking that. I'm not even going to go to that. At one point she was a chiropractor. Okay. So she has that skills. She had that skills. She got me this. Okay.

It's for my back brace. Oh, that's cool. So she cares about you. Is she Hispanic? Yeah. Okay, cool. Do you have children? Does she have kids?

I think he said, do you guys have kids? Do we have kids? Yeah. No, man. But does she have her children of her own or no? Yeah. Yeah, and she's your age. No, she's 31 Okay, okay. Yeah, so the older yeah, that's pretty close. So she's pretty smart. Well congratulations Jaime. Yeah, that's awesome. That's awesome, dude I was I'm curious about so you was what's your concern about step parenting Do you think you might get into the house

and just fly into a drunken rage and beat all the children? Or do you think? No, my fear is I never like, I honestly don't think I know much, right? Like I don't know how to like pay mortgage. I don't know how to like, you know, I don't do monthly payments on anything. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know how taxes work. Yeah, but you have accounts do monthly payments on anything. Yeah, yeah. I don't know how taxes work. Like if you have, you have accounts and everything. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can still be a stepparent. It doesn't. But like what are some life experiences? Like, you know, give me one.

You're a kid. Okay. Yeah. There's a problem. What dad was that? Call me Bob. Bob. I'm not your dad yet.

All right, already. Kid is traumatized. Oh it is? Already. I'm not your dad yet. Already it is traumatized. Oh it is? Already? I'm not your dad. What day? What? This is like day your first year they're gonna call me dad? Hey Bob I got a bully at school he called me he made fun of me he called me chink. Right but you're white. I know because you're now my stepson. Oh is that what it is? They're calling you a white chink. He calls you a white chink? I want to do it without comedy. Okay. No, I really am.

I'm trying to answer without comedy. To find the funny. He called you a white chink? Well, you know that Jezebel... What's your... My name is David. I couldn't think of that. Sorry David. What's it? My name is David You're sorry David steps on

You what if you move in like two weeks later you trans you like oh, yeah, that's what I'm saying. I do that. Yeah What you know, um Dave sorry Dave Dave Those are just words. You're not Chinese. Ching is a terrible word you would tell somebody, it hurts people, it's a hurtful word. And just, you know who you are, you know? And that guy's a bad guy, and I want you to stay away from that guy. Is that about good or not?

I think it's good. Tell that kid to save it for his podcast. Tell him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a good thing to handle it that way, just be like, yeah, that's bad, like don't even let that bother you. Yeah, I just don't, but, yeah, yeah. That is a good thing to handle it that way. Just be like, yeah, that's bad. Like don't even let that bother you. Yeah, I just don't, but you know, I remember back then,

like those kind of bullying and all that stuff is so intense and it's your whole life. You know, it's, you're just over, I remember crying at school. Yeah. Like going on the bus and crying because someone was so fucking mean, you know what I mean? Yeah, especially back, yeah, like the 90s and 80s, it was like ruthless.

Everyone was absolutely ruthless. I wish there was like a little thing that shows me what I did, what I was doing 30 years from now. You know what I mean? Oh God, yeah, you could have seen, yeah. Like in 30 years, you know what I mean? This is what's gonna happen.

So everything would be just be like fine. You're like whatever. Yeah, spit in my face, I don't care. Eric, you know what I mean? Yeah, because I'll get my revenge three years from now. You know what I mean? But yeah, you have no idea, you have no, no one in my childhood told me

that I was ever gonna make it in anything. School, counselors, nobody. They were just like, this guy's not gonna make it. You know what I mean? I mean, did they think you were gonna make it? No, you went to college? Yeah, I had one first grade teacher who spoke highly of me, then after that, that was it.

Yeah, and then you get scared, like what am I gonna do? Yeah, I never really thought about it that much. Really? Yeah, but then I had a complete panic in my 30s. As soon as I turned 30, I was like, fuck! Oh, you weren't doing standup then? I was, but I was going all right. I wasn't going great. Wait, How old are you when you started?

Uh, I was like 20 how old was I maybe like 22? Yeah, so nine years later you're kind of like yeah Nine years later early making it one tank marriage. I was like Wow one tank marriage I was on an air mattress in my brother's house and it was like third It was like my 30th birthday I remember moved in my brother's house and put up an air mattress in my brother's house. And it was like my 30th birthday, I remember, moved into my brother's house and put up an air mattress. Just laid there and was like, fuck. Wow. Fuck.

Wow, wow, wow. At that point you weren't headlining? No. Yeah, yeah. Not at all. Had you done a podcast then? No, not yet. When you started, then when me and Shane moved in together,

we started a podcast. And even then, like the beginning of it, I was still on an air mattress. I just brought my air mattress to our new house. No, really? But here's the thing, a big air mattress with a foam cushion, it's pretty comfortable. Me and my current wife, we stayed on my air mattress

for a while. Really? Yeah, when we first started dating. It's bouncy or no, it's fine? It's pretty good. And here's the thing, if it breaks, you just put it back in the box and just return it to Walmart and say,

hey, I don't know what's wrong with this. Really? Or I would just put it back and take a new one. You have a real mattress now though, right? Yeah, yeah, now I have a real mattress. King size? Yeah. Full mattress.

Yeah. Where are you from? I'm from, I grew up outside of Philadelphia. Oh, sweet. So yeah, so then I lived in Philly for like 15 years. You know O'Connor too? Yeah. You like him?

Me and O'Connor went to the same college. Really? I didn't know him in college. You like him? I like O'Connor, I do. He's so? Me and O'Connor went to the same college. Really? I didn't know him in college. You like him? I like O'Connor too. He's so great. He's a good guy. What a great guy. He is.

So funny. You know, I'll be honest with you. I've been in the West Coast for all these years. Never, the East Coast frightens me. I leave tonight to go to New York. Oh, you really? Frightens me. I don't know where to eat.

Yeah. I don't know where to go. When I play the cello, I get super scared. You know what I mean? It's like the whole, not scared, but it's just like, I just remember, you know, when I'm there, I'm like, you know what I mean? Oh, you're at the cellar, you gotta represent.

You know what I mean? I've been there once and I panicked and did pretty poorly. I went to like the above, like shitty part that everybody hates and I just bombed up there and I was like, fuck. You're regular now, no? No, I've never lived in New York. Only Philly?

Only Philly and then I moved to Austin. And would you play the mothership a lot? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a great club. Yeah, this place is pretty cool. But I get scared too if I go to any of those places. I'm like, oh fuck. Yeah, so funny because then I see comics

from New York come to LA. I see them at the Improver and the Comedy Store and then they're a little like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. They're like, no, this is not, you know what I mean? But I guess, you know, but I've always, in this new, because I've been around since a long time. 95 is when I started.

It's awesome. And then I've seen generations come and go, you know what I mean? But I'm telling you, this crop of people that came from New York in the last 10 years, 15 years, I've been like, I've been like, I've been just, I admire it, you know what I mean? You guys are also so cool to us and vice versa. I'm being real.

Yeah, I appreciate that. No, you guys are just so funny and yeah, just exciting. I mean, you guys have always, like even the generation of like Norton and Kelly and Patrice and Geraldo, I mean, that was also a really, you guys have always had just a cool group of people, you know what I mean? And always so intimidatingly funny, you know?

And you and Shane are doing great things, and you know, what a beautiful thing that we have. Do you have any dreams of being an actor? Not really, I still don't know if I can act. I've done it a couple times, and I can't, I get like, you don't get feedback really. You just kind of do it, and, well actually I thought you didn't get feedback. Then I saw like the whole if I can act. I've done it a couple of times and I can't, I get like, you don't get feedback really. You just kind of do it and, well actually, I thought you didn't get feedback.

Then I saw like the whole set clap for somebody after performance. But, oh fuck, yeah, there is feedback. Yeah, but that doesn't. It's not. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be great in the finished product. That's what I'm saying.

It's, I'm kind of, I do like acting, but I really want to write. That's what I want to do. I want to write books. I just want to write and. In acting, this is when you know you have write. That's what I want to do. I want to write books. I just want to write. In acting, this is when you know you have it, and it's so hard as a comic,

when they go, okay, we're moving on. Dude, it's crazy. I go, all right. And you're like, did we get it? And they're like, yeah, we're moving on. Yeah, we're good. Was it good? Yeah.

You can't ask that. No, I'll like kind of, because I only ever acted for, yeah, really McKeever, who I'm kind of friends with with so I'll just tell him like just be totally honest If you hate it tell me exactly what to do and I'll do exactly what you say Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then I'm like and it works out good enough. So I'll see well every time I do acting I'm like, you know, I'll eventually see myself and I'm like I'm waiting for it to be the worst terror most terrible thing Have you seen yourself on tires yet? Yeah, and it seemed all right

Yeah, I always worried you ever see when you ever see when Quentin Tarantino is in a movie and he has like that weird Tarantino face? You know what I'm talking about? I always worry I'm making Tarantino face when I'm acting where I'm like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get more nervous doing that than stand up or anything else.

Big time. Yeah, actors are always like, well, I mean, I want to brag, but me and Andrew did Melbourne a week ago. And we had Sarah Smook from Secession, she came to the show, Dakota Fanning, and they were all like, God, we would never be able to do,

but I always look at them and go, I would not, I mean, I feel the same way about what you, I mean, I do it, but I'm so petrified of it. You know what I mean? Yeah, it really makes me scared to do it. It's fun, it's one of those things I could see myself getting into, but again, I don't know if I'm really good at it or not,

so I'm like, I don't know. I'll just do it. If people ask me to do it, I do it. I just do it like that. But here's the good news, pal. Let me know. Sorry. I mean, the good news. pal. Let me know. Sorry. I mean the good news.

The good news is this, is that there was a point in our business where it was almost a necessity to do it. Yeah. So you can get your name out there and this and that. And I think it's not as important anymore. Yeah, I don't think it is. I think podcasts now, especially after this last election, there's gonna be a lot of big money types pouring it in

because now they're like, shit, this is a swaying election. Yeah, but I don't know. Here's my fear. Because I know now a lot of actors that aren't doing it. What are they doing? Podcasting? Yeah, but. And it drives me crazy because it's like,

dude, I was forced to do this because Hollywood said no. Yeah, but dude. And it drives me crazy, because it's like, dude, I was forced to do this. Because Hollywood said no. Right, and then like, all right, you make me go to the internet, so I do it, and then I find family and love and everything, and then all of a sudden they're there. Yeah. And you're like, go back there!

Yeah, but here's the thing, they don't have, they thought for a while that like, just putting a bunch of money into like, celebrity podcasts, they would take off. A lot of them don don't take off like people don't give a shit, man Yeah, they just like whatever because they're kind of you know It's not I'm not being a dick but like there's that whole thing of like Ariana Grande and that I forget her name the other Lady like you see those clips of them doing like the wicked interview so out of touch and just crying you ever seen these So it's like don't don't so it's like don't even

Don't even get me started, man. But it's like, imagine them talking for two hours every week. People are like, I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't even know what world they live in, dude. That's, dude, that was wild. Yeah. It almost, it kind of worked though.

I kind of want to see the movie now. Yeah, me too. I kind of want to watch the movie. I heard it's good. It probably, it does look good. I heard it's good. I'm gonna watch it. Yeah, I kind of want to I'm gonna stream it. I'm not gonna Anyone who would see me in that line

Yeah, there's no way there's right I saw you on the it's Florida man Play the cop. That's pretty good. What'd you think? Pretty good, I just said pretty good. Whoa. Pretty good, huh? Wow. Wow. Sassy. My bad. Would you give me acting notes?

Yeah, I'll ruin it then. No, no, no, honestly. Any critiques? It was funny, I laughed. Yeah. Here's what's great about that. I did that, is I got to work with Michael Hitchcock again. See the guy in the hat?

Okay, oh nice. You know who that guy is? I know of him, yeah. I'm so bad with actors. Do you ever see any... I knew their faces when I see them. Do you ever see Best in Show? Hmm, my... Christopher Guest?

Sounds familiar. Or Waiting for Guffman? I've seen... you know what? No, I haven't. My uncle built the movie set for Waiting for Guffman. No. Yeah, he builds movies. Let me tell you something, Guy. I haven't my uncle built the movie set for waiting for growth No, yeah, he builds me. Let me tell you some guy. I haven't seen it though. You gotta watch best in show I'm waiting for government. I mean these are like and he's in both of them this dude He used to be my boss really yeah, he used to at Matt TV. Oh, he was a producer Oh, yeah him and Lauren Dombrowski so and then when I had my Comedy Central

Show he was my producer on that. We did a pilot and it got picked up, but he's an old friend, he's so talented. But you gotta watch those two. I'll have to check it out. Dude, my uncle was in Waiting for Guffman. No! They let him just be in it, he built the set,

and they gave him a very, very minor role. And you still haven't seen it? I haven't seen it. He's telling me about it. Dude, I, like a minor role. And you still haven't seen it? I haven't seen it. He's telling me about it. I'm, dude, I'm the worst with movies. Or you've never seen any movie? I've seen it. I've never seen Jaws.

People get mad at me. What? I've never seen Jaws. Dude, you're going to drive me crazy. I've never. Dude, I like movies too. I like to watch them. I just like.

What movies? Apparently you don't. I do. I just never really. Well, let me give you the classics. Give me the classics. Right. And this is is gonna really determine

Where we're at? I can't do it people hate this about yeah, yeah, it's bad. So let's go to the classics I just think that you have to see all right, okay taxi driver That's where De Niro's like skinny doing push-ups. I have seen I watched a little bit of that with my brother You did I did actually I'll let that slide. I was also so high for like a decade that I have seen I watched a little bit of that with my brother you did I did actually okay I'll let that slide. I was also so high for like a decade that I have seen a lot of movies And I like I know I've watched that but I don't know anything about it. Okay, let's do

Good fellas. Yes, I've seen good fellows. Okay, that's good. Yeah. Yeah, can I give him one? I don't know man. No, it's good. I don't think so. I don't know. No, no, it's good. It's classic Okay, it's classic Schindler's List. I Have not seen sure that was a good one, dude. I haven't seen that. I have not seen that. Yeah. Yeah I didn't want to yeah, I thought you were gonna say like free Willy to Airbud Yeah, I think I've like saw that on like USA when I was little but I didn't really pay attention, you know What's about right? I know it's about it

Saving Private Ryan. Yes. Great movie. That's a great movie. Great movie. Let's go a little deeper cut Let's do I mean there's classics like Usual suspects I have not unusual suspect. I haven't seen the usual suspects I know the gist of it because they that someone told me about it. Yeah, and then how about six cents? Yes I love this. I was for real like at the end of that. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yes I've said good amount but there's a lot of there's a lot of movies haven't seen at all and then now with the kids I'd never see movies. I don't have to when you're on the road. You don't want like you're like Sometimes I'll do that, you know movie I watch recently that I've I really really liked yeah, I could meant something to me. Oh fuck

What's it called? It's it's um Who's the guy from Twilight? Patterson yeah, that man Robert has Robert Patterson he was in that movie I forget what it's called is about his brother gets like locked up for a crime that he commits No, what is it's called a really good time. I think really yeah, that's a few brothers It's called let me see something about that guy. That's Robert Pattinson. Yeah, that's him Yeah, I I love him. He's a nice guy. You met him. I met him and Zac Efron. I know that I met Scott yeah, Zach dude. Zach might be the nicest guy. He's so nice. It's unbelievable

He gave me a hug everything. Yeah, he did bad friends my other pocket. Yeah, he's truly a jack Um, yeah, he's a great guy. Addison was cool, too Yeah, so I honestly I think that that, I thought his Batman was great. That Batman was great. I haven't seen that, unfortunately. I have heard great things and I actually really like him as Batman. This movie. He was for real fucking amazing in this movie.

That's him? Yes. Wow, dude. It's called Good Time. And when did it come out? A couple years ago maybe? Wow. Dude, that's a great movie. It's a breakneck. years ago, maybe Wow, dude, it's that yeah, that's a great

It's a good movie breakneck. He's a great actor dude, and he's like a ball and I'm glad it makes me feel good that he's a nice guy Yeah, it's funny Shane, you know Shane and John were McKeever were doing all those Gilead and Keefe sketches and they had the I forget his name the kid from Ozarks Jason Bateman not Jason Bateman the one who's like the redneck kind of oh, yeah Yeah, they had him in one of the sketches and like when he acted the whole everyone was like Jesus Christ He was great. He was like a man said he was like phenomenal dude. I've been on set where it's like I've been on sets with probably the best doesn't make you like no What it does is it makes me go in more inside myself

Yeah, but where I'm like they think that I'm like some sort of savant or something. There's something wrong with me. You say I have limbic my legs, you know what I mean? He rests, and I go, what's up man? Oh. Yeah, yeah. Because dude, if you watch the movie, I mean it's just dialogue with him, right? That's crazy. That's pretty good, going pretty good, huh? Yeah, he's like, y'all, y'all, yeah.

And then, I just started talking, oh the worst was, when I was in, this is my other star thing, I was in Budapestest and Jamie Lee Curtis goes, what are you doing? And I go, my day off. She said, just come up, let's talk. So I went to her hotel room and we just talked for like hours.

Just her and I, right, in Budapest, but you know when you're talking to people like that, you're not, you're just, you know, being going, what's the best response to whatever she just said? It's not like a real conversation. There's nothing you're getting. What's the most politically correct thing

where she's gonna like me? It's not like you and I, you know what I mean? It's so, you walk out of there like, oh my God, I just acted. It's like so stressful. That's so, for hours. Yeah, for hours, like, oh my God, I just acted. It's like so stressful. That's so, for hours. For hours, it was like three hours of me. And then one point she's like, let's get tea.

So I go, no tea in my mind. I was like, please no tea because it was like the three hour mark. I'm like, that's another 45 minutes. You know, like I had run out of things to say. Yeah, you're sitting there like the Verwandi. It's so stressful. Verwandi and conflict's very complex actually.

Yeah, yeah. And then also, I want to say this, it's like sometimes I don't like people touching me ever. But one time I had, so in the same movie, I was at a restaurant with, I'm not kidding you, it was Jamie Lee Curtis here, Kate Blanchett here. And Kate says something funny, everyone laugh. I can't even hear her.

I literally don't even know, I just laugh when everyone else, I'm not fair, I don't know what's going on. She says something like, I laugh, I laugh, you know what I mean? And everyone's just like, I go, ah, ah, ah, right? And then she rubbed my back. Normally I would be like, fuck off, fuck off, you bitch. But with her I was like putting my back into her.

I was like, yeah. Like when I dogged. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like, get some. Like I didn't know what else to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, you know, I'm not myself in any of those circumstances. I'm like this guy that's trying to make it.

Right, so desperate. Because here's what it is. It's because people don't know, we're not like actors. We started in the worst environments for years. Years, no money, bars, screaming, people don't like you, you're never gonna make it, and that's a daily thing.

And so then when you finally get in a position where you're rubbing your back into Keith Blanchett's hand, you don't wanna lose, you don't wanna be that open-mic-er. Who just says random fucked up things, you know what I mean? Yeah, just bombing out of the FW. You suck. Been trying my hardest at this for seven years now. Do you wanna, Matt, did you have fun? I had a blast, man, that was awesome trying my hardest at this for seven years now. Yeah, do you want to um Matt?

That was a fun. Yeah fun. I had a blast man. That was awesome. Oh wait not yet. There's one thing we should do No, I'm just okay ending it. I'm not ending it. Okay. I'm just saying while Matt mentioned earlier. He loves erotic I had chat GPT write one which I had chat GPT turn it into a script They guys are talking about being actor so I'd love for you guys to play the scene. Okay. It's cold. I need to zoom in because my eyes, I need glasses. Okay, we got it, here we go. Can you read the stage direction?

I'll get stage direction. Okay. Okay, hold on. Here we go. This is called After Hours at the Comedy Store. Wow. In tier, the Comedy Store green room, night. The dimly lit room is quiet,

except for the distant sound of laughter from the main stage. Bobby Lee is nervously on the couch tapping his knee. Matt lounges next to him sipping a beer like he owns the place. Matt, this has to stop. Stop what, being legends? Selling out rooms? Or you mean this? Bobby leans in, lowering his voice.

You know what I mean. Last night you showed up at my place with whiskey and... What was that knock knock joke? Knock knock? Who's there? You're repressed feelings. Rolling his eyes. And I let you in, that's the problem. Matt leans closer, smirking. Bobby, admit it. You love the chaos. Before Bobby can respond, the stage manager pokes his head in.

Jaime, go ahead. Bobby, you're up too. Read the lines. Hey, stick to the lines. I'll feed you in. Here we go. No, no, no. Keep that.

I think it's better. Yeah, I like it. Bobby, you're in too? You're up in too. How about do it in accent? You're up in two. Yeah, okay. One more time, here we go. Bobby, uh. How about do it in accent? Like do an English accent. Bobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Before Bobby can respond, the stage manager pokes his head in. Bobby, you're up in two. Bobby bolts up, grabbing his mic. He shoots Matt a look before rushing off. Matt kicks his feet up, unfazed. Interior, comedy store, stage night. Bobby is mid-set, visibly flustered.

A sparse crowd watches, unimpressed. Oh, so this buddy Matt, oh fuck. Oh, can I get the right line again? Oh, so my buddy Matt, he's like a human beer commercial. Always here for a good time, never for a long time. Scattered chuckle. Bobby glares at the shadows where Matt is leaning against the wall, smirking.

Bobby stammers and his set derails. Interior green room. I want to hear more lines from him, though. Interior green room later. Here, we'll, Jaime, just say something now. And the stage manager pops in again. Yeah, improvise something. Improvise.

Yeah. Great. The room is empty now. Bobby storms in still holding his mic. Mike, Matt is lounging on the couch sipping another. You threw me off again tonight. Or maybe you were just distracted by how much you want to kiss me.

Bobby freezes. You're insane. Matt stands setting down his beer, saunters over slowly. And you love it. Can I stop for a second this is not going anywhere the most uncomfortable we're two pages in it's nothing's happening he needs to be in more it's like it's we're not finishing it can we reveal all the I will say I want to know what happens at the end. Chatgy, it's almost done, it's got like three more lines.

Three more, all right, all right, all right. Let's take it back. Bobby freezes, Matt stands, setting down his beer, he saunters over slowly. You're insane. And you love it. Matt grabs Bobby by the shirt and slams him against the wall.

A mic stand crashes to the floor. They kiss, wild, absurd, and with exaggerated smooching sounds like a bad rom-com. Bobby pulls back gasping. Make sure you're panting. Make sure you're panting. This is the worst idea we've ever had. Second worst.

Remember that time we tried improv? They put a lot of make out. They knee-unglow a copy of Storm. Flickers to the window. The scene fades out but fades in. Matt watches Bobby furiously jerk off in a bucket hat. Okay. Damn. Very good, very good.

Is that the joke that improv comedy is gayer than having gay sex? I think so. That was chat cheapy tea. Chat cheapy tea is getting better. A lot of people are like, I'm not worried about that. I'm like, I, you know. I've been using it a lot lately. Yeah.

So Matt, you want to plug anything? Yeah, MattMcCusker.com. I have a bunch a lot lately. Yeah, so Matt you want to plug anything? Yeah, Matt McCusker comm I have a bunch of stand-up dates after December of December off and then uh Just back at it up until the springtime. So Matt McCusker comm you're doing clubs clubs It's like a hybrid of clubs in some theaters awesome. Yeah, a little little mix. Oh, yeah Yeah, there it is the dates. Let's get the dates here. Yeah, check them out. There they are Wow helium and then I think I'll be done. I think I'm gonna just. Helium where?

Atlanta, Atlanta. Oh, there's a helium there? Yeah, it's new, brand new helium in Atlanta. Really, the Funny Bone in Township, Ohio. Yeah, and then they like, it's all, then they're gonna do like, I've never heard of it. They do clubs and then they'll throw like two theaters

on at the very end. Just, I told them like, do it where you know I'll sell them out, otherwise I'll just do clubs. Right, right. I'll just split ticket sales. I told him, like, do it where you know I'll sell them out. Otherwise, I'll just do clubs. I don't split ticket sales. I just ran into the lady from the Funny Bone Omaha. I've never been there. She's a delight. You're gonna have the best time of your life.

I can't wait. I can't wait. Let me see the ones before Omaha, yeah. I heard the Comedy Castle's good. Have you done the Funny Bone in Columbia's yet? That would be any of those. Dave Strupe is one of the nicest guys in the home. Is he really?

Yeah, I mean these are great clubs, dude. You know, I'll be honest with you, I really just kinda just miss that whole thing of like going into these towns and having the owner pick you up and take me to the nicest breakfast place after media, which we don't do anymore. Have you ever done that? Like what?

I'll do media, I'll still do it every now and again because it's just kind of fun to go on the radio. Really? Sometimes, yeah. I refuse. Yeah, I see, I did it just because if I watched the Louis show and he made fun of it, and it was very funny when he did like, blah, blah, blah.

Then I just did it one time in Florida and I had a good time. But if the shows are already gonna sell out, I won't do it. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, if it wasn't selling out, but if you're like sold out already, what's the point?

Yeah, just to have fun sometimes. Wake up at five in the morning and have fun? I won't wake up at five, I won't do it at five. Okay. I'll just be like, can I do it? I don't wanna fight with you right now. Yeah, sure. Honestly, that was a great time, dude.

I thought it was, we'd love to have you back here. Dude, I would love to. Whenever you're in town. Yeah, that would be awesome. You'll want to plug everything, anything. Yeah, man. Come back, please. For sure.

That would be awesome. All right, give Matt a round of applause. Thank you, guys. It was real. I am a dog dog dog I'm a dog dog dog I'm a dog dog dog I'm a dog dog dog I'm a dog dog dog I'm a dog dog dog I'm a dog dog dog

I'm a dog dog dog I'm a dog dog dog