Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 30 - Caligula: Rome's Monstrous Son

Episode Date: April 10, 2017

Special guest episode! The hosts of the wildly entertaining Crime and Sports and Small Town Murder podcasts, James Pietragallo and Jimmie Whisman, ride along for today's suck on ancient Rome and one of the tyrants it created, Caligula. Was Caligula a debaucherous madman? Or, just product of the times he lived in? Was he both? Find out for yourself on the most torturous, sex-crazed, over-the-top Timesuck yet. And PLEASE, help keep Timesuck keep going by filling one a 30 second survey at http://podsurvey.com/TIMESUCK

March 18, 37 AD, two days after the death of Tiberius, Gaius, Julius, Caesar, Augustus, Germanicus. Commonly known as Caligula is announced by the Senate as the third emperor of the Empire of Rome. Son of the revered military general, Germanicus, great-grandson of Augustus, first emperor of Rome. Just 24 years old, he'll be dead in less than four years at the age of 28, but his name will live forever and become synonymous with debauchery, depravity, inhumane torture, abuse of power, absolute corruption and sexual excess. We're going deep, we're going dark,

on both the Empire of Rome and its most infamous emperor with a pair of very special guests in this torture, laden edition of Time Suck. You're listening to Time Suck. You're listening to Time Suck. You're listening to Time Suck. You're listening to Time Suck. Wow, big show today, everybody, big show.

Very excited, thanks to Time Sucker Dust and Cypher's via Facebook for asking for Caligula. Huge thanks to Time Sucker, Jesse Howard, for sending me a ton of Caligula info, including pointing out the quote. An important thing to remember in this episode is that all the facts you'll be getting will be speculation, opinions, and observations

from ancient historians, such as Tacitus, Sotonius, Cassius Dio, and other random Roman dudes. Some of the things that are quote history are really just these guys bagging on someone they collectively didn't like. And a lot of it is just overwhelmingly not true. All right, so when we do talk about collegial as exploits later in the podcast, we should keep in mind a lot of the stuff that was written about. All right, so when we do talk about Kila's exploits later in the podcast,

we should keep in mind a lot of the stuff that was written about him wasn't firsthand, I win his testimony, a lot of conjecture, but I think a sometimes conjecture is more fun than absolute truth. Thanks for all the new subscriptions, iTunes reviews, time suck hit number 42 on the iTunes top comedy podcast chart,

it's highest chart position yet, all hail the power of Elron, fucking the Ronald man, rocking it in a sub the charts, using that dionetics. Only about 60 iTunes reviews away from the next bonus episode, Pablo, Motherfucking Escobar, been posting the pictures of you time suckers

wearing that sweet first generation T up at Attencomance Comedy on Instagram and Facebook. I know I have more of those supposed by the way and I will get those. I also got caught up on all the messages, sent to me as far as I know through this past Tuesday. So if you message me more than a week ago, hit me up again.

And now there's dedicated social media handles just for time suck, and I'll be pushing that to everyone soon. Man, just so many good changes. Thanks to Time Sucker, Jordan Kasusik for setting those up. Thanks to Time Sucker, David Gimple for staying on me about the Time Suck email list.

I'll be rolling out at some point. And I appreciate the new PayPal donations and the time sucker Amazon shopping by clicking the respective PayPal and Amazon buttons at time suck podcast.com. And now the first of two big announcements on the podcast, happy to announce I just signed with mid role company dedicated to connecting quality advertisers to quality podcasts. Unlike the other companies that talked me that I turned down, I have full control to approve any and all sponsorships with mid-roll. No pre-recorded commercials, nope, I read everything, I put it all in my own words, I get to

recommend products I trust, companies I believe in, put a little suck on those ads, make them suck so sweet, suck so deep, make them entertaining, get you discounts for cool shit, and most importantly, the podcast gets to survive, because I love time suck, I really love it. But I can't keep dedicating the time I've been putting into it and keep approving it without sponsors. Or my family will leave me. It's insane.

I love it. But it's way too time consuming just to do it indefinitely with no sponsors. So it's a literal time suck. So if you want this to stick around for a long time, I hope you do, I do. Maybe even someday get to the point where we can double the suck, have two episodes a week.

I know that's what you want. Right now, I would love to do that, but I would fucking just drop dead at my laptop. After, I don't know, being dehydrated or fucking whatever's strung out, learning about weird lizard shit. But I wanna do that, and you can help me, and it's gonna cost you nothing.

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If you're sitting by the computer, do it now. Push pause on this motherfucker. Go to pod survey dot com backslash time suck. Take that quick survey. Pretend to have a gun to your head if it helps. You know what? Pretend I have two fucking guns, one to each side of your head. No, pretend I'm balancing the third gun on the top of your goddamn precious head. Go to pod survey dot com time suck.

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Now, before we go to Klaiaila and I introduce two very special guests, time for some quick time-sucker updates. Okay, for the first one, you guys know I can't pronounce shit. And I get a lot of crap about that. I mispronounced a dude's name last week, Neil deGrasse Tyson. I've been calling him deGrasse as if he's one of the fucking star of deGrasse, Jr. High, because I don't know how names work. I just pointed out, by the time sucker JT Henry, it's deGrasse. No e sound at the end, I'm the fucking worse with names. So this episode is going to be a real joy, because there's no fucking Franks and Howard's

in goddamn Kalegea that time. So this is gonna be a lot of fun. A quick thing on conservative listeners, Time Sucker Johnny Frank wrote to me the following email, I get a lot of that kind of emails along this line. He says, while I enjoy the podcast with lighter subjects, the more challenging ones really intrigued and capture me, the Muslim episode was really interesting

and I opened about religion. While I have Muslim friends, I still don't know much about the religion. If I may suggest that when talking about more conservative points of view, as you keep in mind, that just like how ISIS doesn't represent the entire Muslim religion, the ignorant, bigoted Donald Trump supporters don't represent all Republican or

conservative beliefs. I love how honest you are and open to constructive criticism and different points of view. And you know, your pal, Johnny Frank, thank you, Johnny. I do need to address this, I think. I've thought about it for a while. Believe it or not, I'm not against conservatives. I'm not. I do share a certain conservative views. I don't, I don't want this make a political podcast. I don't want conservatives to feel like you're getting picked on unfairly. I don't dislike Trump because he's Republican. If he was a Democrat or libertarian or independent,

I'd still fucking not like the guy in a personal level. He just rubs me the wrong way. I just think he's kind of arrogant, thin, skinned, kind of a bully. But that's my opinion. If you like him fine, I don't give a shit. I don't think all Trump supporters are even ignorant. You know, I think they just choose to focus on the parts of his policy that they like

and ignore things they don't like, like we all do. I think a lot of people are just sick of career politicians. I get that. I don't think it makes you a bad person. Doesn't mean we can't be friends. You know, it's like, I don't like fucking Taylor Swift. But, you know, if I'm not gonna start

cutting people out of my life, who fucking think her music's great, that's just my opinion, you know? So if I come across the order of conservatives, fucking relax, just loosen your buttholes, I'm not the enemy. I'm not some crazy liberal trying to take away your guns, because that means I'd have to get rid of my guns.

And that's not gonna fucking happen, because I gotta keep my goddamn neighbor in line. All right, I got some fucking neighbors. Give me problems right now. Anyway, the last thing is, master sucker. I've been referred numerous times now, and emails is the master sucker, and I gotta say I fucking love it.

Sounds kinda like mother fucker, which is one of my favorite swear words. It's weird, sounds like an insult, but it also reminds me of the strain on effects, like I'm like the head vampire, on the master sucker infecting others with curiosity. So that was adorable and I appreciate it. And last little grammar thing from time sucker, Ryan Waller,

he says, send me an email and he goes, I'm no graduate of Gonzaga or anywhere else, but I must point out that the word nuclear is pronounced nuclear, not nuclear, as you have a tendency to say. I'm an independent grammar Nazi and you've shown yourself open to corrections such things. I just want to have you say it. Say it, nuclear, nuclear.

God damn it, Ryan. Okay, I fucking get it, nuclear. I fucking go nuclear on Caligula here in a second. All right, and that's it, that's it for Time Sucker Update. Thanks you guys. Thanks time suckers. I need a net. We all did. All right. So now it's time for Caligula and my two special guests. Uh, many of you have asked for guests. And listen, I'm not going to do it all the time because I don't want to share too much the suck. And I tried it one time early on. I thought I thought it was all right, but then I was like, no, I wanna do just me,

but these guys, these guys get it. I have two goddamn champions in the room right now, two murder moguls. I have so much murder these guys are into. I have the, they're probably of both murdered several people, and I don't even fucking care, because they're good at what they do,

and I feel like it gives them a pass. I have the host of the very popular crime and sports podcast, and becoming more popular by the second podcast. I also like very much small town murder. James Petrogalo I'm one of three people on earth who can pronounce his name correctly. And Jimmy Wiseman. Yeah. Thank you for having us. Yeah. This is exciting. Oh great. Humped love time suck and we're excited for collegial because it's right up our alley of debauchery. Well, you guys that, yeah, understand debauchery like few people on earth do.

And everybody out there, I just want to say, uh, he's in a studio. So you can't see Dan. So I don't know what he tells you, but he has, he had to turn off a Taylor Swift song to the park. And he strapped on his make America great again, as the Mike's one. So he's full of shit. I don't know what he's telling you fucking. He's awesome. I'm very excited to have you guys go on the journey because I

will say, you know, like, I referenced my kid last episode and I let my kid listen to some of these episodes. I want to have the kids sit this one out. This is intense. This is the most intense times that I've got more. I did so many moments where I'm like, God, damn it. So what? This guy. And just Rome in general. Yeah. And I think to understand Caligula,

we do need to understand the time he lived in. And because you can't dig into Rome without some weird, you know, sex stuff, you know, coming up and there's so many weird like violence things. And that really kind of like gives him some context. It's not like he would do this stuff today. Yeah. And the best way to kind of look at the history of Rome

and maybe understand it from his from the birth of Rome up until the time of Caligula is with the time suck timeline. Shrap on those boots soldier, we're marching down a time suck timeline. Seven 53 BC according to Roman legend, the founding of Rome, located in the region of Lazio, Rome's origins are traced back to some legend of Romulus and Remus twin sons of Mars, the God of War. According to Roman mythology, the brothers disagreed on where to locate the new city. Each brother stood on one of Rome's seven hills, six vultures circled over Romulus and signalling Mars favor.

And on April 21st, 753 BC, the city that is now the world icon that it is was founded and named after the winning brother Rom. I don't fucking buy any that. No, but that sounds dark as fuck. It sounds like such a lie because of the exact number of vultures. Yeah. Yeah. If we make up a very specific vulture amount, people are going to believe that it's going on this. I really believe it. Romans loved grandiose things out Rome. Like, yeah, they really got into their own mythology. Yeah, they got to point out that they're better than everybody else. Yes, exactly. Oh, yeah, yeah, such a self-contained thing, Rome.

Like it's such a weird moment in time and weird stitch in like what people thought was okay and culture. Yeah, really strange. There was so fucking legend. Right, if it was fucking right, why did it fall? Yeah, exactly. It took a while. It took a while.

A while fall. All that rainbow. Kill you. Yeah, you can't survive on that. Well, I do believe that Romulus was probably a real dude. We think, you know, the weird birch shit probably never happened, you know, all the seven hills stuff. But around 7.53 BC, it did begin as like a rural settlement, you know, some kind of like

tribal people in the area. And then they kind of quickly started kind of turning it into a city, building temples in the style of the Etruscans and incorporating key elements of Greek culture. And then by 509 BC, it became a republic, and it would become an empire by the end of the BC period, as it went into the era of the emperors. But it's in the beginning, I didn't know this Rome was governed by kings initially.

It was, and if he was indeed a man, a nodient to a legend, Romulus supposedly was the first of these kings. From 753 to 509 BC, seven kings who ruled Rome, the beginning of its history, you know, started with Romulus from 753 to 755, after he died, the next four kings were elected by Romans. So it wasn't like a monotid, traditionally, in the sense of, you know, by birthright. Right. Yeah. They always say Greek is the first democracy. Is this pre-Greek democracy? No, I believe the Greek democracy was before the Roman said, yeah, 33 or something like that. Well, this is BC. Oh, that was BC. This was 100s years BC. Yeah. I can't remember where the Greek timeline. How it lined up in posters. All they

got is posters. I always thought it was Greek first, but yeah, I can't remember where the Greek timeline how it lined up in posters. All they got is fucking. I always thought it was Greek first, but yeah, I can't remember. Uh, yogurt and John Stamos. That's your fucking claim. The same video. They hide you at something under all that hair. I knew it. Fastards. Well, the sixth king, uh, Serbia's tolius, he inherited the throne.

And then the seventh, uh, Tarkinius, uh, superbus killed Serbia's to gain the throne. And unhappy with superbuses, uh, taking his killed Servius, told us to gain the throne and unhappy with superbuses taking the throne by force, the people of Rome revolt, and then they're not interested in kings anymore. And by the way, all these names, superbus is spelled superbus. That's awesome. Like superbus, just SUP, ER, BUS,

and at first I thought that was for the house of the bus. And I'll tell you what kind of Roman name is, superbus, terrible name. Sound like an eccentric founder of bustling Right along the extra long bus in New York. They carry more passengers down to our kineas super bus And I provide the smoothest ride or a small bus that brings a handicap elderly people to the ball You know I mean super bus Traveled by bus super bus because it can lift their walker on to it with a thing. That's it's super.

Look. Superbuss. Grab your ass as I check. We're headed to the food court. Jump on the fucking superbuss. Go on to the slot machine. Superbuss, let's go. Well, during this monarchy period,

the initial Senate, the famous Roman Senate, is formed. The government would inspire a million Toga theme for AtSautz party. It's going to be fun. Uh. And I, well, what is the thing? and Senate is formed. The government would inspire a million Togethyme-Fratzots' parties. It's going this way. What is most known for? Under the early monarchy, the Senate developed, actually, as an advisory council, containing the heads of greater and lesser families by 509 BC. There's about 300 of these dudes, given the King your advice support.

I'm assuming threats to withdraw support. So basically, it was just an early political thing. There's the King, but he wants to keep all these tribal people happy. So he lets the head of each household have this advisory role. And I'm sure there was a lot of like, ah, excellent point, don't kidding us. I'll keep it in my mind for sure, Tully. Well, spoken to Laura Sacassius, what the fuck is your name?

Because you know, just whatever. Yeah, we're super boss. Let's get to the bottom of the easy way. It's like, it's like, Tammany Hall's fucking 2,000 years earlier. see. It's like, it's like, Tammany Hall's bug in 2000 years earlier. Yeah, yeah. It's like a corrupt New York City police. Yeah.

Yeah, political. It's like a little town hall. That's how it starts. This advisory thing. Well, after Old Noddy Pants, King's Superbist is booted. A republic is formed in 715 BC. The word comes from the Latin words,

rest publica, which means public matters. Rest publica, excuse me. I don't know why I fucking put a Spanish in the old one. That's too much. the Latin words, rest, publica, which mean public matters, rest, publica, excuse me. I don't know why I fucking put a Spanish, it's a little nap. It's a little nap. It's a little nap. It's a matter of state. And now the Roman Republic has three branches of government, the legislative branch of

the Senate, those 300 citizens from Rome, is petitioned class, the oldest and wealthiest families of Rome, you know, because the King's gone, doesn't mean they're going to give up their seats now. Yeah, they're like, yeah, we're going to the King, but we're going to, we're going to fuck it today. We're still rich. We're still rich. It's essentially the Senate up their seats now. Yeah, they're like, yeah, we're going to the king, but we're going to, we're going to fucking say we're still rich. We're still rich. It's essentially the Senate. Right.

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And the Senate's the most powerful branch of the Roman Republic, and they hold their positions for life. Oh, well, you know, must be nice. No, no re-election campaigns. It's terrific. You know, not a lot of incentive, I feel like, to do a bang up job.

That's what I was thinking at first. You know, like, what are you new, fire me? Yeah, I hold a shift for life, but then I'm sure their comeback was, oh, okay, fucking kill you then. Yeah, I'm just poison you. I'm me? I hold a shift for life. But then I'm sure there come back, what's, oh, okay, fucking kill you then. Yeah, I'm just poison you, that's fine. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I king, they had, and this lasted a long time in Roman kind of government, is the two consuls. They were elected yearly, held a position for one year, and they had almost kingly powers, but their powers could cancel each other out. They didn't want one dude to have too much power anymore, so they had it split into two

dudes, two consuls, who could, again, veto each other's, they had to agree on stuff. And again, they reelected every year, and they did have a lot of power. They could decide when to go to war, how much taxes to collect, what laws were. Oh wow. And the Senate's advised the councils, and in general, the councils followed the Senate's advice, because again, the Senate doesn't have legislative powers per se, but they're wealthy people. They're holding a position for life.

If you're a council, you're like, I'm out in six months. I'm going to fucking listen to what this guy has to say, so he doesn't make my life hard out of it. And then when I get out, he can help me. He doesn't take care of me. Exactly. Which is what they did. Yeah, it's a president collecting speech fees

when he's done. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, it was very detrimental to your health to kind of like, you know, push against a sentence you want. Yeah. And then there was the judicial branch

was the praitors who acted as like, you know, judges. And in the beginning of the Roman Republic, all of these positions came from the petition class, from the rich and the wealthy. And then, you know, they were running shit since the the Petition class, from the Rich and the wealthy. And then, you know, they were running shit since the beginning of time. And there was four classes for Rome. There was the Petitions, the highest of the four classes.

There was the lowest class, which was the slaves, no rights. Second from the bottom were the plebeians. The plebes were free, but no one gave a shit initially about what they thought. You know, they could fucking sell bread in the market. You know, you can have your little spaghetti stand, Luigi. But the fucking grownups are talking to the Senate. I think, thankfully you get a fuck out of here. Do you see that man over there? Do you want to be him?

Yeah, exactly. Well, thankful for that spaghetti. Good luck. We're up in a super bus. Yeah, exactly. You're gonna take it all people of the mall. Come on, guys. And then there was the, the, the equit class,

sometimes called a questionin class, kind of like Roman knights, and they were rich dudes who didn't quite have his noble of a birth as the petitions. So they were some money, but they don't have a say in shit. Yeah, they were like, yeah, like second class nobles, and they were kind of like also initially formed

as like a calvary, like they were, as you know, they did good things, they donated enough money to the Senate, whatever, you get a fucking horse. Yeah, we need to call on you in times of war, you take your horses that we given you, and now you're not a, you're not a fucking horse. If we need to call on you in time as a war, you take your horses that we given you, and now you're not a plea anymore. So that's the four classes at well in 494 BC. The pleavestot, like, hey, how come were the ones

fucking fighting the army? Were the ones, you know, doing all the wars, trying to expand the glory of Rome, we get no say in the government. Oh, the poor, look at them. Yep, they're so cute, they think they get it. Yeah, they figured it out. Yeah, and then the Senate was like, well, that's the way shit works mother fuckers.

But then the army was like, all right, that's fair. If you guys want to have that we're going to go leave now and just found another city. Oh shit. And they and they threatened to all leave. And that's when the Senate was like, you know what? When I look at fine print, you guys should have more rights. That was a mistake we made our bad. So they realized that he poor people. Super bus drew up the cons. Super bus. Super bus. He was dick. So they realized they need the poor. They can't have servants and tavern wenshes and the fucking army without some poor people. So now a new government position of Tribune. Tribunes are added to the legislative branch of government. And they're elected yearly. They represent the concern specifically of the plebeians and they had a lot of power.

Basically, they could veto any law in America. If you wanted somebody to have the position to be able to veto any law Congress makes, that's a Tribune. And they had 10 of these. Okay. I have 10 of these people who can be like, no, that doesn't work for us. Also part of the government. We need that. Kind of like Congress in a way, but then they're also a check on. And a lot of checks and balances going on here. And it's too convoluted, which creates the rise of emperors later. We're going to see that. They keep trying to make everybody happy.

Too many stalemates. One page tax plan. Yeah. Health care is too complicated. That's that shit. It's getting, and they did realize that in times of war, there was an early precedent for kind of like what an emperor would become later all the way back in 458 BC. This little system of theirs worked when no one was trying to fucking destroy them.

But then when someone's coming for the gates, you can't be like, well, actually awesome. But we should do this. And they would have special kind of clause for this where they would have dictators. They would serve for one year to handle kind of wartime situations. Like the first one was Cincinnati, former consul and 458BC, and they just, they fucking gave him the range.

They're like, Marshall Law basically. Yeah, exactly, exactly. For one dude for a year, they were like, Superboss, you can fucking calm down. Tranosaurus rexacus, you can shut the fuck up.

Sintanatus rexacus, pieticus rozacus is in charge now. They sure, thou shalt all have this haircut. I'm going to bite bowl on thy head. Now, shall all slide into first any opportunity. These rozacus over there over, Caesar's palace just signing autographs. Right, that's beautiful. So, so he handles it. And then they add another thing, 435 BC, they add the sensor. So it's continuing to evolve. Now the position of sensor was created, all these positions. And at first, the sensor was just in charge of like taking kind of like

a stock like a, like the sensor, you know, or the sensor. Yeah. About how many likes, you know, people are there are how much livestock about how many like, you know, people are there are, how much livestock, how much goods, all for tax purposes, they took the census. This then evolved into also assigning the recognition of who qualified for like the equestrian rank, keeping the public morals. It was this weird thing or they could be like, no, you're in trouble, you're not upstanding, you're upholding traditional Roman cultural values. More rape out of you, God damn it. More rape out of you. They could demonstrate finances of the state, superintendents, kind of a public buildings, a reaction of new public

works. They got kind of more and more power as they evolved. And they had the power of degrading every citizen to a lower rank, so they could expel senators from the Senate. Deprived. Deprived. That's too much power. Deprived the equates of their horses, removed ordinarie citizens from their tribes, all kinds of stuff. Oh my God, you could ruin somebody's life. Yeah. And that's where censorship comes from.

They could like fucking censor you. You know, like that term, like they had a, and they were somehow a little bit less powerful than a console, but they held their position for five years. So they were kind of like the basically the most powerful, yeah, position. And then also all these positions, once you were done, kind of like that,

I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine, you didn't hold the authority of your position anymore once you somebody else took it, but you kept the level of prestige for life. Yeah. You weren't gonna be a console or a sensor for a year and then go back to being fucking spaghetti stand-off, right? Yeah, if you're a president Yeah. You're Mr. President.

Exactly. Exactly. Same kind of thing. But because of all this and the way they're doing and all these back scratching, you know, they're creating a huge bureaucracy for sure. The government's getting bigger and bigger and bigger and you know, and more fucking people on the payroll. Uh, 376 BC, uh, Lassinian law says that one council must be elected from the plebeian

class. So now they have another fucking thing with the plebs. I kinda like that one though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's like a fair move. Right, so they help out the poor, except for the slaves. Now the whole time there is the slave class. And the slaves, I'm sure, eventually,

like, hey guys, now they all changed, what about us? And then it was a nice bonding moment for the petitions and the plebs and the equestrian class. You'd be like, have a good laugh together. And then fucking be like, shut the fuck up. Kill a few of the slaves to set an example of the rest. Yeah, just for fun. Just for fun.

But to do it together for the first time. Yeah, well, that's nice. Teamwork is important. It hangs everyone together to kill a couple of slaves. Yeah. Now, is this the time period, sorry to stop? Is this the time period where they would do the switch off every year?

They would do the slave master switch deal? Oh, I didn't get into that. Like the slave, I know. It's crazy. into that like this like I know it's crazy. I was reading about this months ago. Yeah, and a lot of stuff kind of comes and goes and Roman culture. Okay, okay. I don't take your daughter to work day kind of thing where you just like switch roles and you're like, you're on the company.

The masters serve the slaves and they have big parties. They put out big elaborate feasts for the slaves. It's one day or they do this. That couldn't have went well. No, I mean, I couldn't have went. But I bet for this, I couldn't have went on the sense that like of a slave got a little cocky and is like, actually, I would like my bread a little more toast

to the next. They'd be like, okay, and they'd have a nice toast at night. And the next day they'd be fucking dead. Good, you're a murderer. It happened the day that the slave decided to take his liberties and bang the masters once. That's the death of the half of his life. I'm you, I get to fuck her.

That's amazing. Wait till tomorrow, sir. Wait till tomorrow. And then they did have that right by the way. There was no crimes against slaves. You could do whatever you want with this as well. So 287 to 133 BC, the plebs gained more and more political power, but it doesn't help the life of the average kind of plebeian citizen.

For example, like kind of during that period, Rome does a lot of fucking fighting. They booted carthages, armies out of Sicily in 264 BC, destroyed Carthage in Northern Africa by 149 BC, conquered the Iberian Peninsula, where like Spain and stuff is, 218 BC, fought the Germanic people, kind of pushed them around a little bit, the Celts, the Macedonians, many other, did a lot of fighting. Wow. And while they're doing this fighting, you know, it's the poor class for the, they're the legionaires and, yeah, and the Legion, they're doing doing this fighting, you know, it's the poor class for the, they're the legionaires and the legion, they're doing this fighting. And so they're unable to tend their farms for long periods of time. And they end up, it's so fucked up.

They end up losing, even though they're doing this fighting, they end up losing their land. You know, they can't tend the farms. Things are bad. And then the noble class is like, well, fucking buy your farm then, you know, at shitty prices. And so it becomes this big, you know, corrupt imbalance of wealth in the town. What's the housing boom bubble break? Exactly. So, you kind of, you know, corrupt imbalance of wealth in the town. Like the housing boom bubble break. Exactly.

So it was all these, you know, countless farms. And then by the time that the war is kind of over and things are stabilized, well, now you have all these people who are just fucking poor. And now they're kind of like dependents on the state. And they lost their farms, they lost their farms, you know, it's, it's, it's, oh my God, it's like, identical to housing bubble break.

Yeah, homeless people, people giving up. Right, how many times he's like a medical housing bubble. Yeah homeless people people giving up Shitty howdy, fancy town Think about that with America like what if we just you know gave up on all of our military stuff That'd be a lot of people unemployed. Oh my god. Yeah Yeah, and all those people who were out in Europe doing all these different things are in northern Africa now They've come back to Rome and like what are I fucking what now do I do? Yeah, yeah, okay? So by 60 BC shit's gotten out of hand in Rome. People are fucking pissed. The Republic's no longer working, you know, they're poor, they're angry, they're fucking hungry, unemployment's out of control. Riots and violence are breaking down the streets.

Uh, you know, people are, yeah, they're hungry, they're desperate. You can more rape. Yeah. More rape. Right. Right. Up the rape. Just is a ripe situation for some fucking monster. Yep. To just show everybody his power and say, you all bow to me. Exactly. Exactly. It's the triumvirate. This is the first triumvirate in it's a group of three dudes who come together to try and

restore order to Rome and of course push their own personal aspirations. Bloodthirsty, bloodlust, vicious human beings. Exactly. One is Julius Caesar. Uh-huh. Rings of Name. I believe he's the founder of Little Caesar's Pizza. I believe beings. Exactly. One is Julius Caesar. Uh-huh. Rings the name. I believe he's the founder of Little Caesar's pizza. I believe so.

Yes, where I know him from. He's a very famous pizza pizza pizza. He's really known for that. He stood at top of the mountain and said, there. What's up, pizza? That's $2 slices for all of Rome. $5 hot and ready. When are ready?

Hot and ready. One topping on me, please. Yep. So there's Julius Caesar, Pompeii and Crasseus. And then they joined forces into what's the triumvirate, you know, fucking ThunderCats, hoe, all that shit. So Crasseus, to kind of like who these people are, Crasseus in addition to commanding troops, had a lot of money.

He was the largest landowner, richest man in Rome. Pompeii was considered the greatest military commander of his time, a lot of political connections, and then of course, Caesar, military hero, as well, prominent, well-liked politician. And they just kind of take over, they're like, this shit isn't working, they just through their political connections and money and influence, take over the politics of Rome, get elected as consuls, use their kind of money to break up the current stranglehold of the Senate over Roman life. And they do all right with all that.

They're making a little bit of progress and kind of getting life better until Crasus literally loses his head and battle. He's beheaded in 53 BC, the Battle of Cara. And when he dies, the relationship between Caesar and Pompey deteriorates. Oh, boy. And now a Civil War breaks out. And this would happen here and there in Rome, where it's like, you know, you got these guys that are out fighting conquering for the glory of Rome, fighting these battles way far in Gaul or whatever.

Yeah. And they're commanding all these armies. And just because the people in the Senate back at Rome are like, well, this is the way we want it to be now. Sometimes the army would be like, no, we don't fucking like that. Right. And they're on the ground actually doing it, so they can pretty much do what they want. Exactly.

And now you have these two generals who are like each want to take over Rome. And Caesar and Pompeii. And so Caesar wins, he finally destroys Pompeii and wins this little civil war. And then after kicking a little extra ass and Asia Minor in Northern Africa before head and home, he returns to Rome a dictator. And when Caesar, Caesar's, I always thought

he was the first emperor and technically he's not, but he kind of set the tone to be an emperor in Rome. And the preemperer. The template, yeah. Even though he Augustus is technically the first emperor, Caesar was a dictator. He held the tribunate. So he just kind of consolidated all the positions,

the console, the Tribune, the wartime dictator. He's like, I get to do fuck and all of that. That's how we're gonna do it now. What's most impressive to me is that he did all that shit in sandals. You know what, what have you done in sandals, right? I'm a hard time walking along this sandals. I have a hard time walking in sand in sandals

and this sort of a bitch conquered an entire fucking country. With those clothes, though, those balls were very free to flow, I think that's what it is. Yeah, for really, I think that's honestly. When your balls feel free and clear, it doesn't matter what your footwear is. I'm really I think that's honestly when your balls feel free and clear, it doesn't matter what you're footwear. I mean, I really feel like that. I'm just blown away. Sandals specifically come back up in this episode. Really? Sandals very very big

connection between Caligula and Sandals, a little funny one. Oh man. That we're going to call back to the rest of the episode once we get to it. Yeah, so this all happens in 48 BC, 46 BC. Now he's now he's taken over the power of the sensor as well. He just keeps like adding more positions to his title, which he just sides he's going to have for life. So now he's fucking everything. He's sensor, Tribune General, Constell Dictator, and then he does this thing with the Senate where he starts naming people to the Senate and just basically people who are going to do

what he says. And he raises their number from a couple hundred to 900. Oh, man. So he just decides like, like now he has all these puppets so he also has control to Senate. His control of fucking everything. So it was a sick, a fan, a rubber stamp Senate now. He could have every once.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. And the Roman citizens have no problem initially with his power grab, you know, things again, we're going well under the Republic. He'd expanded the empire. Romans always loved their military conquest. It took a lot of pride and their generals kicking some asses. And he pushed a number of economic reforms through the benefit of the poor. And he led the high life for about two years. That's how you do it. Yep.

And then things were going great until he got stabbed roughly a shitload of times by group of politicians not happy about his power grab. All the people he'd been disenfranchising in the patron class, all these other powerful people don't like that. He's like, I fucking run everything now. And then of course one of them being Marcus Brutus, you know, at two Brutus. So after his assassination, Marcus and Tonyus, Mark Anthony, forms an alliance with Caesar's adopted son

and great nephew. But I do. Yeah, bad dude. I'll only show you a bad dude. Gaius, Octavianus, us Octavian along with Marcus Lapitas. They form an alliance known as the second triumphant. And they hold powers nearly identical to the power Caesar had. And then the Senate and assemblies remain powerless even after Caesar has been assassinated.

And then the conspirators were then defeated at the battle of Flippy in 42 BC, eventually Anthony and Octavian fight each other. Again, another civil war kind of, you know, these guys can't fucking cheer power. Yeah. Anthony's defeated the naval battle of Actium in 31 BC, commit suicide with his lover as we heard, Cleopatra. And now we get to the first emperor of Rome. So there's like scrambling of what are we going to do?

Well, 29 BC Octavian returns to Rome. Now he's the unchallenged, kind of like Caesar did before. He's back from his battles. He's the unchallenged master of the empire. And then he accepts from the Senate the title of Augustus, the exalted one. And I feel like that was a political move by the Senate where they're like, fuck, man, we got another guy who's going to run shit. But let's see if this guy will work with us a little bit. We'll honor him.

Yeah. Well, brown nose. Come on, let us do a couple things. Let us pass a little of this. We'll get on your board with what you're doing. Yeah, it's a little circle jerk here. Exactly. And Augustus is the great nephew and adopted son of Julius Caesar.

These guys were so related and they did a lot of adoptions in a different way in Rome, which is kind of why these people became so interrelated. They would just be like, you could be 45 and you could have your buddy, like you have a position of power and you have a buddy who was like 40 and you're like, you're my son now. I'm gonna adopt you. It's amazing.

Cause then I put that person in line for the throne. They could do things if they wanted. So there was a different type of adoption. Exactly, exactly. They handpicked a lot of shit that way. Jimmy, you better be a great judge of character because if you fuck up a guy that's 40, that maybe is a master manipulator, you can ruin fucking everything.

And that does. That's another colligula thing. The people made some very strange picks. Yeah. Very strange, very suspect, very suspect. Very suspect. We all do in our personal lives. Yeah, this is no different.

No different. Well Augustus Biala-Cowns was a great emperor. His reign was a golden age. Ever respect. He restores peace. Causes the economy. The arts agriculture to flourish. He has an ambitious building program initiated. His reign was a golden age, every respect, he restores peace, causes the economy, the arts, agriculture to flourish.

He has an ambitious building program initiated where he can. I love when they tell all this in books and stuff, but they don't tell the body count that created that unknowingly true thing. You know what I mean? Because in his wake is the thousands of bodies. It's just a pile. It's just a pile. There wasn't a labor union.

No, no. There were slaves who were like, man, you're going to build that fucking cool thing. And we're going to literally work you a pile. Yeah, it's just wasn't a labor union. No, no, no, there were slaves. We're like, hey man, you're gonna build that fucking cool thing Yeah, and we're gonna literally work you to death. Yeah, we'll just die. We'll just keep rolling right over here Oh, yeah, you'll make a nice road with that exact Exactly into everything with the with a very charming smile and we're literally gonna work They won't have a smoke breaks on the colosseum. No, no, no, no, they they weren't getting time and a half No, 15-minute union man No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, they weren't getting time in a half. No, 15 minute union man. No, no, no, no.

You work or fucking be beaten to death. I mean, I'm in golden time here. You really want me to go pick up that? Yeah, sorry, buddy. We're gonna. So he builds all kinds of stuff. He 82 temples in one year, at one point, famous public bass of Rome.

They're still there today. Those are constructed under Augustus. Poet Virgil, they're composed of his epic, you know, under this time, the Aneed. I should have looked at the pronunciation now when it's a fucking crazy word. AE, NE, ID. So however you want to say that is up to you.

I'm looking forward to next week's podcast when somebody sure acts like, yeah. It's pronounced the on it, or the need. It's pronounced super bus. He's doing this goddamn best. You fucking pronounced 400 goddamn Roman names in city. So everybody corrects anything on this. Go fuck yourself, goddamn it.

You guys doing a fantastic job. Sit back, listen and fucking enjoy. He was up to one 30 last night. Not my dad. Yeah, I get way to into this. So he passes a lot of sweeping reforms. He does a lot of good stuff. And he does a lot of actually morality stuff.

He makes adultery illegal. Yeah. And he's past the illegal leaders. Exactly. He was so straight. He was so straight. He'd hear to himself these laws. He banish his own daughter, Julia and granddaughter for adultery.

He took this stuff seriously. He's trying to clean up. He's trying to clean up Rome. When he dies in 14 AD, his official last words were, quote, I found Rome a city of clay, but I left it a city of marble. So he's proud of what he did. Not bad.

Yeah, and he's something I've asked. His body is cremated, it's put in this big mausoleum. He's kind of basically proclaimed a god amongst the host of the other Roman gods in the pantheon. Like they used to do that when emperors would die, whatever, like they, starting with the gustists, I mean, these guys were considered kind of like almost, almost living gods.

Which, which collegues, like, takes farther again later too. It's like their version of the pyramids, it sounds like, like, yeah, like putting them out for the next journey or whatever. Exactly. They can go to Mount Leipzig and hang out with Jupiter and whoever the fuck. Exactly. Yeah. But playing devil's advocate, that's kind of pompous to say.

Oh, sure. That's super arrogant. Well, you know, the, I mean, and you know that a gustist was a good emperor, but's kind of pompous to say. Oh sure, that's super arrogant. Well, you know that, a guy says was a good emperor, but he's still an emperor. You're not like, hey, whatever you guys want to do, kind of emperor. No.

A good emperor is like, I'm gonna fucking beat you to a with an engine alive. It's gonna be wrong, decent. But I'll let you live. Yeah. You're like, oh, what a great guy. Yeah, we all live, she's gonna let me live. He's gonna let me live.

He's not gonna kill my whole family. Hey, look at that. Kind of merciful, man. Exactly. So 14 AD, we at that. Kyle Merceful. Exactly. So 14 AD were almost up to Caligula. Serena Tiberius now, the second emperor, he was the adopted son of Augustus. And apparently he had no desire for the throne.

Tiberius's father, Tiberius Claudius, Nero was not a fan of Augustus. This is all weird how they pick people. And check this out. Augustus had Tiberius' father banished from Rome when Tiberius was a boy for basically not liking him being the emperor. And then when Nero dies, and this is not the famous emperor Nero, this guy shared the fucking same names all the time. It makes it very confusing when

you're reading about the shit. But when Nero dies, his mom, Olivia, reaches out to her now, dead's husband's enemy and ends up marrying. So how fucking weird is that? So, or, you know, or what I wonder, the way the stuff works, their ego's, I wonder, did, because Nero hated Augustus, did he hate me because he knew he had a heart on for his wife? Or did maybe Augustus's ego was so big, he's like, like, the guy I fucking banished, now I'm gonna take his wife. I like that. Yeah, I like that one too. Yeah, I like that one. Here's something my mom did. My mom was married to a man and she went to bring him dinner one night and he wasn't there and his coworker told my mother that he was out with the parts girl with his girlfriend, the parts girl.

And my mom, he was like, who are you? My mom's like, I'm his wife. So he broke the news tour and then eight months later, my mom married that guy. Wow. Okay. All right. Well, he knew a good woman. You know, like how she's been trained.

That's amazing. And that got turned out to be a piece of shit too. So whatever. Okay. Well, weird in this sense, how weird would it be for Tiberius? How weird would it be for Tiberius to grow up in the home of the dude who banished, he has fought horrible. So that's weird.

That has to be so strange. It was, it was, it was really tough for me. It really, really. Does he play extra catch with him? No, just to make sure he doesn't bother. Cool. That's right. Yeah, come on. We're cool. We're cool. It's even worse for a colligulate. This, this is a pattern. So my experience, he yells at you extra loud because he, because he's essentially taking out his hatred for that man on a yacht. Oh, nice. Well, maybe that's what happened to Tyrone. I can see it see it. I'm not sure, let's find out. So he takes it around, he's reluctant.

You know, he has mixed feelings about Rome and the whole emperor thing because of his own childhood. And, but then he also doesn't want somebody else to get it. He doesn't necessarily want to be emperor, but he doesn't want to be the guy who's supposed to get it and then not have it because he kind of wants some of the perks to go along with it. And so he does another thing, emperor's jewel of time.

He starts taking out some rivals. And the closest person he has to arrive is Germanicus. Julius Caesar Claudineus. Germanicus is his adopted son, excuse me, an incredibly popular and successful general. He was going to be like the Rome's Alexander the Great. He was a young kick-ass general, handsome dude. That's name. Yeah, Germanicus.

He controls about a third of all of Rome's armies and he's Tiberius' successor to the throne. And then, and also many of Rome's generals think he should be the emperor now. They're not big fans of Tiberius. They don't think much of him. They want Germanicus. He's ready. They think he's ready. And then Germanicus dies, like kind of under suspects or circumstances, possibly poisoned October 10th, 1980. There's rumors. Yeah, there's rumors that Tiberius commanded it. Well, that doesn't sit well with Colligula's mother. This is Colligula's father, Germanicus, and Agrippina suspects Tiberius returns to Rome to accuse him in person. Not a good fucking plan.

Seems bad. You could have done that over text. Yeah. Maybe send a homing pigeon and let them know that way. Yeah, this will feel it out. Maybe a little bit. Because by the way, you have a terrible name. That's the worst name. them know that way. Oh yeah, this will feel it out. Maybe a little bit. Because by the way, you have a terrible name. That's the worst name of the... Agrippina, terrible. Agrippina the elder is actually what we can know as a demon worse.

What a terrible name. You're all dick outta here. I'm interested. Like a farming dick. That's what it sounds like. Well, she believes Agrippina believes that. Oh, it's a girl. Exactly.

It's a male nass mother. The mother believes that her son's neuro-seaser, Drusis Caesar and Gaius Julius Caesar, Caligula should be considered next in line to the throne. Also not a smart thing to be talking to the emperor about. Like these guys should fucking be the emperor and doesn't work out well for her or any of her sons other than Caligula.

I'm sure some of them at this point had to be like, oh, mom, maybe you could shut the fuck up. I'm gonna work this. This is not gonna work well for me. You are a woman. You are a woman. Take it easy. She's going to school yelling with her math teacher.

I'm like, I gotta be your every fucking dad. Seriously. Like, she's neat enough. Well, Tiberius has Drusus starved to death. Nero's assassinated and Agrippina herself is exiled. And this is crazy. Flogged so severely at one point that it depends on which account you believe. She was either flogged till she lost sight in one eye,

or flogged until her fucking eye came out. Why? Why is flogged out? Oh wow. Yes. Flogged right out of it. And they leave out the part where they raped that eye socket. You know the tip.

And school fucked a death. Yes. Yeah, possibly. She actually starved a death. So then she starved a death. What's worse? I know. I can't think of it.

It's a poly can put out to you. You call it the starved to get's worse? I know. I can't think of it. It's a poll. We can put out to you. You call it. You got to get your eye hole fuck out. Which one? Right after you fill out the poll to determine Dan's ratings, then you'll find that poll. So, so Caligula and his youngest son, Caligula, and his three sisters, they were seen as two young and not a threat. Now, they now check us out talking about the weird choices. They then go to live with Tiberius. It's like, like these guys just love to collect the children of rivals or something. So it's like Vito Corleone going to live with a guy who killed his father and mother, like, and training under him. That's the weird thing. What do you think? Like, hey, what if this kid might grow up to someday kill me? He might

have some. You know, for the little small infractions of, you know, vlogging his mom and starving her, you know, banishing his father, killing all the rest of us, killing his father, excuse me, killing his brothers. Every day you wake him up and tell him something that their mother had planned for them. Your mother was gonna fucking murder you.

You know that she was terrible. So now that we've made it to the age of Caligula, let's hop out of this timeline and explore his life in some depth All right, so now we're with Caligula. He was born guys Julius Caesar Augustus, Germanicus. They loved a long fucking name on August 35th August 35th. August 35th. August 4 days. He's been there so much different back then. August 31st.

That is a heavy business card with Inc. by the way. Holy shit. You have two cards. You're my first business card with part of my name. Here's the rest of my name on the second business card. You done reading that first one? August 31st, 12 AD. He's born in the anti-M, just outside of Rome.

Again, biological father, Germanicus. He was the great nephew and adopted son of Emperor Tiberius. They're all like weird fucking convoluted bloodlines. Great grandson through adoption of Julius Caesar. Augustus was the adopted son of Julius Caesar. So they're all kind of Tiberius was like Augustus's son-in-law, Caligula was Tiberius's great nephew. Fucking man.

Roman noble family trees are fucked up. They're so confusing. Does this also come with property too? Would you like adopt someone because they're going to be the announcer of another piece of property? Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure. I'll go into like, kind of how people mass moves.

Yeah, like rich people marry each other. Yeah, to create an empire. Absolutely. Okay. To keep it where you want it. Interesting. Okay. But then you end up with all these weird Uncle Daddy's sister and dangerous situations. And here's how Caligula got his nickname. Absolutely. Okay. To keep it where you want it. Interesting. Okay.

But then you end up with all these weird Uncle Daddy sister and dangerous situations. And here's how a colligula got his nickname. We talked about sandals earlier. It sounds so sinister, right? Colligula. Yeah. Like it sounds just fucking evil. Sounds like a blood sucking like, it sounds like a vampire.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, it means little boot. Whoa. It's in that case. Little boots. It was a kid's nickname meant little boots as in baby shoes.

His father, Germanicus, you know, badass military leader, commander of eight Roman legions, and these soldiers wore these boots kind of like sandals, and they were known as calligas, or calligas, calligas. And calligas mom, Agrippina, like to dress her up, kind of like women do today, to be just like daddy. And so she would dress him up in a little miniaturized version. He's the baby of the family, baby boy anyway, of a little military outfit complete with these little baby boots.

Oh, wow. And he got the nickname Caligula, like little boots became and then what's weird, and apparently Caligula fucking hated it. Yeah. And stuck with him forever. But I just think it's so weird to still refer to a murderous emperor by their baby Nick. What of Hitler was called little peanut by his mom?

Yeah, you know, what if even what if Hitler translated in German to little peanuts? That'd be amazing. And it was a high little peanuts. High oh sweet chipmunk. Something crazy. We are. We all remember. I'm not. I'm not. I'm crazy. You know? You're like, you can click the baby boots. We all remember, we all remember the horrible, horrible time when Asia was just ruled by

Scooter. And it terrorized everyone. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And Jeffrey Little Slugger, Donner, Joe. Yeah, exactly. Wow. So, well, after his dad's poison, one of his brothers is assassinated.

His mom and other brother are exiled on trees and charges in 29 AD, both of whom will then die, 17 year old baby boots. And his three young sisters, Agrippina the younger, Julia and Julia, two Julius. That's like a weird ship with their share of names in Rome. Didn't even go Julia one and Julia two. Yeah, different, different middle names and shit.

Well, initially Adolescent K Caligula sent to live with his great-grandmother who's also Tyberius's mother, Lavia. That's a great band name by the way, adolescent Caligula. Yes, that's a amazing punk band. That's punk is a punk great. That's the name of your next special for sure. Yeah, the lesson Caligula. So then she dies though.

She dies a year later as great grandmother's often do. That's one of the things about great grandmother's, not long-lifetime. What are the great things, you guys? So they sent to live with his grandma, Antonio. A year after that, Tiberius thinks, well, why not have all these teenagers whose entire fucking family I've murdered come live with me?

Fair. I'll raise them on the Cala Capri. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, I guess. No one really understands why Tiberius kept them alive. Historians have even Roman historians like even by our standards as fucking weird. And something sexual, everything. Everything happened here.

Yeah, it was sexual, I feel. It was man boys and it was weird. So they grew up in this palace, but they were also kind of like prisoners, like they were treated well, but they weren't allowed to leave. And according to historians, Klaigila was an excellent natural actor and recognizing danger. He hid all his resentment towards Tiberius and observer set of Klaigila.

Never was there a better servant or a worse master. So he was really good until he became emperor about like just being fucking cool to stay alive. Klaigila. Yeah, Klaigila claimed later. He did have a plan to kill Tiberius with the dagger in order to avenge his mom and brother. Uh, however, having brought the weapon into Tiberius' bedroom, he did not kill the emperor, but instead through the dagger down on the floor, swatonius, which is one of the main historians,

uh, Roman historians of Collegula claims that although he didn't kill Tiberius with that dagger, uh, Collegula was already cruel and vicious by that point. He writes that when Tiberius brought Caligula to Capri, his purpose was to allow Caligula to live. In order that, this is a weird quote. Prove the ruin of himself and of all men in that he was rearing a viper for the Roman people and a faith on for the world.

Now, a faith in is a reference to a Roman god, by the way, it's the son of Helios, who borrowed a chariot of the sun, drove it so close to Earth that Zeus struck him down to save the world. And so basically like he's, he wants to create some guy to burn down Rome, because if you remember even Tiberius, Tiberius was raised by somebody who had fucking harmed his father right. Yeah.

And had a lot of resentment to Rome. Wow. And he's like, and he's not interested in Rome. He's ruling from Capri. He's, he secluded himself. So there's like theories that he was just like I'm gonna raise a fucking monster Unleash it upon this fucking city and fuck all you guys. Wow Yeah, that's terrifying. I'm like what some people think. Yeah, well, Tiberius again not happy about being emperor

He had an overbearing mom, Olivia who had a huge luster power pushed him towards the throne Heated her for it didn't even go to her funeral when she died later. And again, he hit away at Capri, the Alec Capri, 250 kilometers from Rome, only accessible by boat. He viewed the Senate as quote, men fit to be slaves, passed his responsibility to the emperor to the head of the Praetorian Guard, this guy, Sajonis, a man who came to think of himself as a true emperor until he got a little, you know, two fucking big first bridges and then Tyberius had him killed. Let me guess what happened to him. He retired to Florida, just kind of relaxed for a while. He started like a little like a scuba rental

place. Right, right. Yeah, it's nice. That's nice. Grandkids. Tyberius was like, you can do my job. That's cool, but don't think you're me. You're fucking dead. Did anybody ever interview Donald Trump's dad and ask him what he feels about America? I'm kind of curious about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah. So he's very, very hands off after the execution of You could put your hat back on down. It's all right. I'm fine. It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.

It's all right. It's all right. So after the execution of this guy, he's even more hands off. And basically he just wants to be emperor so we can have all the wealth from me. He just wants to hang around a capri and enjoy his life and then and then have somebody else do all the work. Okay. So despite like the overwhelmingly negative characterization

left by Roman historians, Iberia's actually did leave the Imperial Treasury with nearly three billion sisters upon his death, about five billion in today's dollars. And because rather than kind of embark on costly campaigns of conquest, he just chose to strengthen the existing empire by building additional bases, using diplomacy as well as military threats, generally refraining

from getting and petty squabbles between other competing frontier tyrants and just fucking checking himself out completely. So you're high now, essentially. Yeah, he's hiding out in the Al Capri, just being like, no, just keep things the same. He's clipping coupons. Uh huh. Hey guys, let's get this under control. So, but let's talk about, you know, a colligula, rumors of what happened when he,

wait, because this is some weird shit, when he was growing up with Tiberius, the guy who basically murdered most of his family. And there's that whole question of, did he groomed colligula to be a sadist? Well, apparently the death of Germanicus did bring a change to Tiberius' personality. According to Cassius Dio, he became increasingly cruel towards those who were respected of plotting against him or suspected, excuse me, of plotting against him. You slaves were tortured to make them testify against their masters, etc. Tiberius would often pretend to pity people.

He had punished while he maintained a grudge against those he had pardoned. Sotonius said, according to about his demeanor, Tiberius did so many other wicked deeds under the pretext of reforming public morals, but in reality, it was to gratify his lust for seeing people suffer. So, he, there's a lot of rumors about him being sadistic, and I watched this documentary on Amazon called Caligula, Paranoia, and brutality in ancient Rome, and there's some weird claims in there. One is that Tiberius had people he wanted to get rid of, come visit him on the Alec Capri,

and he lived on this palace on the top of kind of above his cliff. And then he would just have his guards throw them off the fucking cliff. Then be like, problem solved. So it was basically he did like a Vlad the Impaler, where he'd like, no, come over to my house, big feast. Yeah. And then we're gonna put your heads on spikes.

Right, right. And I'm gonna spock and throw you off the cliff. Ballsy. And this is the weirdest thing. Make you really think twice about what you bring over as a thing. What should we bring? No, we gotta bring over as a thing. Yeah, absolutely. What should we bring?

No, we got to bring something good really seriously. That's a long fall. Absolutely. Now, here is, this is one of the weirdest things I've just ever read period about anything in my entire life. Tiberius was allegedly a pedophile towards young slave whores. Well, which, that was very common in Rome and not even frowned upon. That part wasn't really frowned upon.

I'm going to get more to that later. That's well I'll say, illegal pedophile. Oh, that's fine. Pedastry, like it was a whole thing in Rome of like relationship between men and boys. But he had a, he had a troop allegedly of young boys called fishes who have been, quote, trained to swim between his thighs and nibble his genitals as he swam. Oh, no. God, like a Japanese pedicure. Yes, but with boys being the fish and your dick, your dick instead of the toast. Is that where the prison term fish came from? I don't know.

I don't need to hit my eyes and dig a little more tain up. No, no, no, no, no. That is horrific, but I also can't tell you how funny it is to watch a 50-ish grandmotherly looking British Roman historian to talk about that. This lady who looks like this sweet middle-aged lady talk about trying to swim beneath his size and nibble his genitals. So great. So great.

I want my grandmother to read that to me. Yeah. One day I'm going to make her do it. And I'm like, how do you get here? But I think it's a combination of extreme wealth, power, boredom hanging on this island. And it is so crazy to me that you get to the place, not only where you want something that's specific. You want young boys to nibble your gentle as you swim,

but you have a quote, troop of them trained. Like, so like, what is there a fucking trainer? He's like, all right kids, you fucking, you've been a little off on your genital nibbly lately. You guys, no, you don't do a breaststroke. That's gonna clip his thighs. You want your arms at your side, mouth open. You're gonna learn how to breathe, light nibbly.

We're not, we're not dick-biteers. We're fish, we're genital nibblers. Like what is happening? Not piranhas fish. Not piranhas, come on kids. It's four o'clock, turn dora off. It's time for class. That's the guy.

He called him like betas or something. Oh my God. So then finally, 37 AD, the age of 77, emperor and swim coach, Tiberius either dies of old age or is smothered with a pillow by Praetorian guard, Nevious, a suitoris, McCore at the request, and or help of Klegila. There's a lot of rumors that Klegila finally fucking choked his dude out. Awesome.

Well, as soon as hiberias is dead, Klegila gets the fuck off the island. He'd been forced to live on head-to-room. He comes in hot, except the power of the principal has conferred by the Senate. And people love this dude. He enters Rome on March 28th, 37 AD, amid a crowd that is hailing him as our baby, our star.

Other nicknames, he's described as the first emperor who was admired by everyone in the world, quote, all the world from the rising to the setting sun, loved by many, mostly for being the son of Germanicus. People fucking loved Germanicus. They didn't like how he died. He was this military hero that thought whose life was snuffed out. They didn't like how he died. He was this military hero that thought whose life was snuffed out.

They didn't like, you know, Tiberius Sneaket in there. And so they're like, this isn't Germanicus, but this is the next best thing. We fucking love this, he has the pedigree related to Augustus and Caesar and all that shit. And they fucking love him. Little boots. Little boots, baby.

Little baby boots. And they love the Emperor who didn't hide from them. You know, he wasn't out on this island. He was back in Rome. Their emperor was back in town, you know. And- There's before that it was a guy who was gone all five, exactly. It was a guy forever. For free.

And so they're like, long ways to emperor. Yeah, this would be like, he's back at the White House. Yeah. We got, yeah. In a sense. So Tony is the main historical source for a clignol information we have says over 160,000 animals were sacrificed during his initial three months of public rain rejoicing his thing. That's what they did.

They're like, oh, we bug a lot of this guy. Go kill a chicken. You know, Phylo, another historian describes the first seven months of Collegiate's rain is completely blissful. The love Rome had for emperors doesn't even translate to modern politics. They were seen as almost gods. I feel like it's the closest we can come up to understand is the relationship between Tom Brady and Patriot fans. You know, it's like, that's the most accurate

close we can get. The way a Patriot fan loves Tom Brady is comparable to the way an average Roman citizen loved their emperors. Yeah, the way a fat guy named Sean who lives in most likes Tom Brady is the same way they looked upon him as the embodiment of all they represent Exactly Like I'm just like Tom Brady look at that. Yeah, I could pass like that. They're wicked passes

Right, you can get those fucking boxes at the auction. I heard my knee. Yeah, yeah I heard my knee and 11th grader outside be the backup to Brady I'm not saying I'm better than Brady, but I could I could back him up as all I'm saying That's it. They drop a little bit or enjoy his job. Right, right. I'm gonna rehab this knee and I'm gonna get back out there. Yep, yep. So people are happy.

People are happy, the fucking, the pages of one Super Bowl, unemployment's down. No one's trying to sack a Rome. They got plenty of money in the Placial accounts, thanks to Tyberius, having those things built up. The son of one of Rome's greatest military heroes is back in town. All of the male citizens, Dick's crew, anywhere from one to two inches in length, the women's

breasts became fuller and higher and tighter. Life is good. And Klaigula, he knows how to endure himself. He grants bonuses to the military, especially the Paterian Guard, which is the, kind of like the secret service. They're the guys who guard like a special army assigned to the emperor. And so he gives them a lot of money. He gives money to more city troops, money to the army. He destroys Tiberius' unpopular trees and papers. Everybody who he threw out is like,

fucking welcome, come on back. Tiberius was not a big fan of the glad, glad editorial games. He puts those back on, really gets those going again, you know, lavish spectacles. And that was a weird thing with Romans. They really didn't like that about Tiberius, you know, and it's like, do what's up with you and not want to watch slaves before she collates you other. Yeah, why don't you want to chew on some fucking snacks? Well, a dead eye gladiator, you know,

slave spears of fucking giraffe baby. I'm talking to you. This 2017, I paid a watch that now. All right, right. Yeah, I want where they flooded it and they had to see bells and they were badminton. That's amazing, I want that. Yeah, so I want to see battles and the combat's amazing. I want to see that absolutely So all kinds of crazy stuff he fixes some tax things makes it better for the poor a lot of a lot of things to make him popular

But the Mary-Rain of Caligula short-lived he gets very ill in October of 37 AD and rightly or wrongly assumes that he was poisoned and and things start to fucking sour. Because remember, his dad, Germanicus, was rumored to have been poisoned and he becomes increasingly paranoid that there are people trying to take the throne from him, which is not a fucking entirely crazy thing. People like, oh, is he mentally ill? People were always trying to kill the emperor.

So there was some legitimacy to his paranoia, but he also takes it further than most and he has his cousin adopted son, Tiberius Jamellus executed an act that outraged Caligulas and Jamellus' mutual grandmother, of course. She then commits suicide, but early historians, sotonias, again, things Caligula poisoned her. Check this out. He has this fucking father-in-law, Marcus, Junius, Salonis, and his brother-in-law, Marcus Lapita's executed. How does that sit with your wife at home? Wow.

That's amazing, though. There's a lot of people out there. I like to do that. It's not that idea. Not that idea. He knew what he was doing this guy. Yeah. Also, too, yeah, I get that it's, you know, paranoia is rampant and for a reason, but at the

same time, you also live in a time with no refrigeration, no FDA. There's no health standards here. Right. People get sick. People get sick. People get sick all the time. You're eating bacteria constantly. There's no way to keep this shit fresh. Absolutely. The other point is that no matter who you murder or poison, somehow or another they're

related to you. So it doesn't matter. Yeah, that's true. A lot of people are related to each other. All of them are your mother. Yeah, that's true. Well, he does spare one male family member is Uncle Claudius' life because just because he's a dick essentially.

He considered, Claudius was crippled. He was born, he partially deaf or had an accident, he was partially deaf and had a limp. And he basically like keeps him around to fucking pick on him and laugh at him and he would encourage dinner guests to throw shit at him when he fell asleep. He just fucking kept his guy alive to mock you. A good gesture. Yeah. An intentional gesture. This is a guy who would become emperor later because he was the only, so he asleep, he just fucking kept his guy alive to mock you. A good gesture. Yeah. An intentional gesture.

This is the guy who would become emperor later. So he would need clots of actions that would become a good emperor later. So there were two things that that frat boys took from them. They're clothing and then the behavior. And the behavior. And the behavior. Fucking mock on the week in disenfranchised. Yeah.

The guy with the gimpie leg. Well, fuck with that. Right. Right. But still people love him. Still people love him, even after all those executions, back then a couple like family executions. Not a big deal.

I mean, the people are used to executions and death in a way that we won't understand. Like think about life as life back then. You know, a lot of the men of Rome used to be or currently were soldiers. And nothing against soldiers of today, but shit was way fucking different back then. You know, you weren't killing somebody

from a sniper rifle or a plane, a bomb, or like a video game type console from miles away. It was face to face. different back then. You weren't killing somebody from a sniper rifle or a plane, a bomb, or a video game type console from miles away, it was face to face. You're feeling their blood fucking spurred on your face. Bruegel death was a way of life in Rome. And back then people died at home. So you saw people die all the time. It wasn't like now where you're, you know, you don't see anybody die. People find a staff run. The fight on the streets, you're finding some side run. There was lots of dality.

Absolutely. Works. Swords. You know, the most common way. I mean, it's so crazy. And even the people who didn't fight, think about the gladitorial matches. You know, even like the common citizen, your fucking grandma is sitting there, fucking munching on some lamb or some shit or whatever kind of, you know, cracker, watching a giraffe,

or not a giraffe, that'd be fucking crazy, but you're out piece of it. But watching a lion just tear apart some slaves, you know, they were used to bloodshed. So, you know, a couple of executions are like, ah, fucking whatever, life slide, that's, that's wrong, that's wrong. Well, we like it now, so it's a horror movie,

but they didn't have movies. It's just their real life. They're like, I wanna see people now. I wanna see a head get cut off. They're like, I wanna see a real fucking head get cut off. I don't need it to be special effects. Right, right. And in this guy no matter what he does,

he's still the son of Germanicus. He's still related to Augustus and Julius Caesar. And he did still do nice things. He aided some people who lost property and fires. He abolished certain taxes. He gave out prizes at like public events. He would throw, literally throw money around. He allowed new members into the equestrian

and sedatorial orders, improved the harbors in Regime and Sicily, which allowed to increase grain exports from Egypt, so aided times a famine. Pushed a wrapper, he's got boats and he's thrown money around. This guy is a gangster. And they loved expanding the empire. And he did, he pushed further into Africa, not him, but his generals laid the groundwork

for conquering the British Isles, added several aqueducts, bringing more water into Rome, the Egyptian obelisk that's to this day in front of St. Peter's in Rome. He brought that over. So he actually had the Imperial headquarters on Palantine Hill. Latin name, Paladium, gives us the word palace. He has this big palace built. He did a lot of stuff.

And then he also took decadence to a new level. He was, you know, he's only the third emperor. And he's the first one to really, like he had these lavish love boats built. There was this nearby lake. He built these huge floating villas, these with marble columns and sculptures and jeweled bath houses where he'd host drunk and orgies.

There was like a namey, it's 19 miles south of Rome. I'm in. Oh, yeah. I'm not judging him right now. Right, so he's endearing himself, he's endearing himself to some of the other centers and stuff. He's having young boys swim around

and not sacrilegious as going on. I'm guessing so. I'm guessing so. I've never mind him out now. The general nibbling will come up again later, actually. Actually. It's good to know. I was in for a second.

It evolves to chewing, actually. Oh my god. It's good to know. I was in for a second. It evolves to chewing actually. Oh my God. It gets crazier. Yeah. We're going to get to some scary stuff in the bits. It gets us. But and again, like when we're talking about these insane things, remember how insane life was for Roman general, like that like Neemey for example, or Neemey, excuse me, there

was a sanctuary of Diana. This is a crazy story right. It was a decorated temple, one of their gods, Diana, and a grove of sacred trees. And this priest in charge of this temple was a so-called king of Nami. And the current king of Nami got his job only by killing the previous king of Nami. That was the only way. No application to fill out. No, you're here for the priest position. Well, fucking kill that guy. That's how you get it. And actually, there was one more step.

If you wanted the job, you had to find Diana's sacred tree, you had to pull a branch off with your bare hands, and if you did that, it's fucking on. You get challenged accepted, and you get to fight the current king, and you either die, or you become the king. And Caligula apparently participated in this ritual, make just force you one of the slaves

to fight the priest in charge. But so you find who's tree? Diana's tree. And is this like common knowledge of where this is? It's just like a broke version of King Arthur. Is that what this is? No, you can just, I mean, it happened to a fair amount, but I'm just using that. And it's one of many random stories.

Oh, okay, I got you. I got you. Where it's just like to show that like, yes, he's crazy, but also the times are fucking crazy. Like he didn't invent that ritual. This is shit that's already going on. Yeah. So, but he did even take it further. Like, remember earlier I talked about like,

emperors were seeing as almost gods, like a gust is after he dies, then he goes to join the other gods. Well, Klygia is like, I wanna take that further. He's like, fuck, wait until I'm dead. I'm God now. And he just presented himself with a living God. And he would just go into temples,

like the Temple of Jupiter, and where people are worshiping, like, you know, equivalent to some kind of church. And he would hang out by the statue of Jupiter, where people are worshiping like you know equivalent to some kind of church And he would hang out by the statue of Jupiter and be like well, you can fucking worship me too Wow, he would just hang out in church and and kind of demand to be worshiped So he's like running North Korea basically Yes, that's exactly what that family is they're thought as of as gods their thought of his divinely Sent there to rule them

The same thing. He's going into that where he's God now. He will do what he wants, you know, whatever the fuck he wants. But it is crazy, he would have the heads removed from various statues of God's and replaced with his visage, like a bust of his head. It's comparable to a flake, okay, let's say Trump went into like some church, a Catholic church,

like get fucking Jesus head off. And now it's a crucifixion, but his Trump's head. And I want Melania's head on Jesus head off. Yeah. And now it's at the crucifixion, but it's Trump's head. Right. And I want Melania's head on the Virgin Mary. Right. Like it's that didn't sit well with the people of Rome. But again, although I could see him taking all the Obama pictures and just put it in place. Sure.

That's more normal. Hide his hands. Yeah. But but again, they give him a pass. They're still giving him a pass because he's a son of Germanicus. He started doing, he started doing weir doing we're doing we're doing shit. There's this rumor shows up a lot laughed off by serious historians, but worth mentioning where he wanted to have his horse, his favorite horse appointed his console, just to mock

the position. It's going to be Klegel's horse is now the fucking console. But that's why he didn't. So it wasn't just crazy. I don't know. Okay. Some people think he was just joking and it got convoluted through history. Like, he was just like, oh, you guys fucking suck so bad, I'd rather have my horse do it.

And then that became the thing. But we don't know. He might have actually been like, no, I want my fucking horse to be a console now. Because he's in there like, you know what? Sparky's got some good ideas. I'm not going to fall. Right, right, right. He's told me some things and I agree with them.

I'm not going to look. He did take the sex stuff very far. That's hilarious. Yeah. I mean, how trigger eats He did take the sex stuff very far. That's hilarious. Yeah. I mean, how trigger eats that apple is going to be the decision. That's how it is. He turned his new palace into a brothel. He would love to dress up in women's clothes.

He loved sex with women and men. But supposedly, this was a thing that was in the documentary. This term is so crazy. I watched this one thing where it said he, quote, wore out his male partners. I don't know what the fuck that means. Does that mean it's like he wore out their buttholes? Or, or, even more impressive, or even more impressive, he wore out their dicks on his butt.

Right. Right. Did he rock that thing to a stub? To a stub. Did he whittle it? Fucking power bottom. Did he have a motherfucker right there? Power bottom.

Hard core. Yeah, hard core. Was he himself a fish and he nibbled it right there? Yeah, a hard core. Yeah, hard core. Was he himself a fish and he nibbled it to a knob? Yeah. It's off. These are all questions I want answers to now. Again, the nibbling stuff's coming out. Yes.

Supposedly, yeah, again, he had sex with men, women, virgins, slaves, other aristocrats, married women, children, girls, boys. So he was a lot of things. Impetent wasn't one of them. He made a fucking hell of an endorsement for Agra. You know, I'll fuck all night. I'll fuck your sister, your mom, your fucking brother, her brother, your mother, your mother's brother, the paper boy, because the rollerboy's brother. Right, everything gets fucked. Everybody, everybody will get wore out with Colleguil as a Viagra. I'll show you this is not little boot.

I'm going to show you. Yeah, you will not call me little. Oh my God. Yeah, now again, there's no way to be certain about these depictions. And he starts, there was a rumor that he looked like one thing I read that he looked like a goat. People thought he looked like a goat towards the end when he started getting a little unpopular. And he gets so pissed off about this comparison. The goats were not allowed to be mentioned near him. And, and, and if you did mention a go near him, execute, execute. Absolutely. You're put to the amazing. Now, there's no way to be, you know, certain about these depictions. I mean, but, but again, I want to create some context. Rome was very sexually liberal. For example, this is one of the most disturbing things I read about this. It was

considered natural and unremarkable for men to be sexually attracted to teenage use of both sexes and Peter Astey was condoned as long as the younger male partner was not a freeborn Roman. And Peter Astey, or Peter Astey, God damn it. Someone I'm sure will fucking, I'll get the 50-year-old. Pedastry, yeah. Pedastry is the fine, thank you. Is it fine?

Is sexual intercourse, I love that you know that. Is sexual intercourse, actually it's Pedastry, it's very, it's like common accepted. It's very common. It's very common. It's fine. Is sexual's very, it's like, how many accepted? It's three accepted. Three accepted. It's the finest. It's actually, in a course, you know, man and a boy. So basically, in Rome, at this time, boy fucking, not only is legal, not a big deal.

No. As long as the boy is a slave. Super accepted. I read things where like, there would be are written accounts of arguments between one was like the senator and his wife, and she offered him up like anal sex to keep him more faithful or whatever, and he's like, nah, he's like,

boys buttholes are way better than yours. Like that was, he's like, come back at her. He's like, what? No, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and you could do whatever you, like, because slaves had no rights. You wanna fuck a slave, not a big deal. How dare you assume that your buttholes is tied to an A or A?

How dare you? How dare you? But it was like homosexual, heterosexual, that kind of difference. There was not even terms for those in Latin. It just like they were completely sexually just open. Just called the time of clicking. What are you doing, Dan? Right.

But even by Roman standards, Caligula took it too far. And this is a common thing with him. Even by the standards of the day, he fucking took it too far. Like one way he supposedly humiliated the aristocracy was to have lavished dinner parties, he'd have a bunch of senators and their wives and stuff come over. And then like he would just pick a wife,

one of the senators' wives, be like, come here, you walk out of the room with her and then so they could still hear him, he's in here, fuck the wife. Like at the dinner that the Hobbes and wife are at. Within your shot. Within your shot, come back in and then degrade how she wasn't bed. Be like, man, you fucked that all the time?

That's gross. Wow. Like just to show them, I will do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'm got. Oh my God. You will take it. You ever problem with that? I'll fucking kill you.

I am living my life so wrong. I could be doing such amazing things. He was allegedly fond of saying, one of his favorite sayings was was apparently quote, let them hate me so long as they fear me. Like that was just kind of his mantra. And there was also a bunch of rumors that he went to bed with his sisters. Most people think that was just kind of slander, but whatever. Of everything though, I read about Caligula, the allegations of torture are the ones that disturb me the most. Apparently a fondness for torture. I'm going to list off the worst ones. I came across and admit there's no way to verify anything that's happened, but some of it could

have happened. I'm sure he's wearing out buttholes at that kind of race. He's terrifying. So he's banging another senator's wife right now right around the corner and then coming back and telling him that her vagina smells like he's a terrible man. And again, terrible man. We weren't there, but if 10% of this stuff was true, he's one of the worst people ever. And so let's get into the worst stuff I've read with some super scary stuff. Okay, number one, I'm just going to get right to it. Jamie, I talked about the genital nibbling. Actually, you know, when we get to that with number two.

We're gonna build that. First, let's go with some general attacking. Uh, one source described as strange, see I'm one of his love boats, where he had slaves of both genders tied to poles, and then he would just like all of a sudden, I guess like, have him tied up in some room to these poles, and then he would run into the room

and just, uh, quote, attack their genitals like a wild animal. Like, it was claws? I guess that's all it says. It sounds like a game. Yeah, like a weird game he a wild animal. Like, it was claws? I guess that's all it says. It sounds like a game. Yeah, like a weird game he came up with. Hey guys, check this out.

Watch me try to rip that off of you. What's the game? That is the, how do you attack a genital? He just, I think again, it's just like doing whatever he wants to do. And then another one is supposedly he liked to chew on the testicles of victims. He would have a victim tied down, upside down,

legs pulled apart, and then just kind of pushes his face down and bite and chew on their fucking genitals. You want the balls and stuff. No, you're dead. I'm going to blow you. So, you know, maybe old Uncle Daddy Tiberius, maybe he was one of those fish boys. Maybe he's reenacting some nibbling. Who knows?

Again, who knows about this? One of his favorite public events, the circus Maximus, involved throwing criminals into big pits where they were devoured by starved wild animals. He particularly loved, I guess, when lions would eat people. And supposedly one time when they ran out of criminals, he's like, man, this is fun. And the fun here, he just had some people from the stands like, get fucking throw them in with the lions. So some people mow it before like, ah, I get those lines. And they're like,

all right, you're next. Hot dog in their hand. I'm like, what? What? I may finish my beer first. So they paid $13 for this beer. And the circus max was by the way, is like an alternate venue to the Colosseum. It was a little bit before. The Colosseum wasn't completed somewhere between 40 and 50 AD. So a little bit later, this is where they had the gladiatorial events and all that kind of stuff before the Coliseum. Yeah, he would use criminals to feed his animals, wasn't just limited to public spectacle. You know, when meat for feeding the wild beasts

was kind of limited or maybe expensive, he's like, let's just go to the jail. And he would just get criminals and just use them to feed the fucking animals. How would he pick them out? Because I would think he'd say, like, let's grab the worst people. Let's, anybody fucking kids, let's grab,

oh, no way, that's not my back. That's okay, fucking kids. Let's grab. Oh, no way. That's okay. All right, that's fine. Anybody like, what is the thing that would be? Is anybody half as bad as me? Anybody. Anybody. Apparently, he also would have, he didn't like to hear their screams as they were being eaten all the time.

Like, he didn't like the noise. And he would have their tongues removed first and then feed them. Oh my God. Yeah. Now, he's apparently the stuff you read about this guy. Oh, Jesus, that's worse. People like, yeah, you feel bad about how much of of a monster you are so you do more of a monster that's right. Yeah, that's fucking terrifying I don't hear all those screams. Let's get their tongues out. He's just trying to read

He's like, you know what? I got men. I'm fucking I got to do this. Yeah, yeah, it's very distracting Okay, I'm trying to come up with plans of how to torment stays slaves genitals. I really need quiet Yeah, I, I gotta concentrate. I gotta concentrate. Keep it down. One of the plutonious, again, historians, many accusations of extreme cruelty. Collegula committed was that when a senator had the balls to label him an enemy of the public and then Collegula encouraged a mob to literally tear the man apart.

First they stabbed him with swords, kind of like cut and stuff like that and then literally pulled his limbs off of his body, and then demanded that they pile his remains into a fucking heap. They turned this guy from a dude saying, I don't like what you're doing to roam, into a pile of fucking limbs and guts and left in the street. They could doffied him. Yeah. Holy shit.

Yeah. Sometimes you like to prolong torture, and you'd give numerous small wounds inflicted by slight and frequently repeated strokes, telling the tortureer strikes a quote, strike strike so that he may feel himself die. Oh my God. He burned people alive. One time some writer tried to slip into joke and to some play about him like some double meaning thing like like a sneaky joke.

Satire. Satire didn't care for it. He has a little crowd gather in the amphitheater and they fucking burn that guy alive. Well, his defense it was probably a hacky joke. Right, right. Oh, pussy means two things, right? A cat and we get in the fucking pit, getting the barbecue pit. Have you ever fought a fucking lion?

You're about to tonight. Get a little poots barbecue, little boots barbecue pit. It might not be a bad idea for comedy clubs. I think we've come on to something here. You didn't want to make tonight. You didn't want to make tonight. You didn't want to steal from Colligula. One time apparently a slave stole some silver from him. He had the guys,

this is so fucking horrific. These are my favorite moments by the way, in your podcast. I feel almost nauseous. To brace people for the atrocity you're about to say. Yeah, even if you had the kids listen to this point again. Maybe if your kids were okay with point again, maybe if your kids were okay with the fishing, maybe he had the dudes hands cut off and then connected together

with like a rope and then draped over his own neck and then had him paraded around a party just like to all the guests, you know, to consider like this dude, just fucking wearing a necklace essentially of his own fucking hands that were just hanging on his chest. He's walking, like the first came to walk around and they're like sharing him, walking. So he's walking around just like spouting blood

out of these stones, wearing his hand necklace. Jesus God, we're like, yeah. I mean, they may have catarized it in say to keep him a lot live longer. Yeah. I mean, some of these thingsarized it and say to keep them a lot live longer. Yeah. I mean, some of these things are so cartoonish. You don't know.

But again, these are all like historians, about a hundred years later saying like, well, this is what we heard. This is what we fucking heard you did. The original Vietnam internet.

This is the fucking worst. This is the worst fucking one. Everything I've said so far, this is so, I don't even know how you get more horrific than this. Okay.

This is one time some Roman citizen was dumb enough to insult him in public to his face. So what he does is he has the guards tie the man down, he beats him with chains, and then before he kills him, he sends other guards to find the man's family. Get the whole fucking family out here. One by one, from oldest to youngest, in front of this fucking guy guy he executes his children.

The crowds disgusted. Apparently they start to revolt. A clicky like, no, no, you're gonna fucking watch this. And apparently there was some weird, there was one last remaining kid, a 12 year old girl, and there was, according to Roman law, a clicky like couldn't execute a virgin, apparently. So he's like, I'll fix that. Orders one of his guards to rape the girl in front of the mob. Oh my God. A girl who just watched her family be executed, then kill sir.

Wow. Then the fucking hell fit in, then kill the fucking dad. The whole family's gone. What was the insult? He was like, he was like, you look nice, but he said it in a weird way. Yeah. He's like, you look nice, like, until he's like,

I didn't feel sincere. Love those sandals, buddy. He's like I don't think he was sincere about that. I was like this good it tastes great. You say fucking good. You know hard feeling about goats. And then I don't know but I don't know. Holy shit. Let's let's let's let's this is Tails of Satan or again they're fucking legendary and that is plenty of super scary stuff. That's the hell of a tale. That's the hell of a tale. That's the hell of a tale. That's the hell of a tale. So eventually pissing off a lot of important people gets a collegiate a killed.

Even worse than fucking Senators wives though and telling them about it, he was about to spend all of Rome's money. He was blown to the money. All the money Tiberius had saved. Caligula was, you know, he was thrown on lavish love boats, bribing soldiers to love him, literally throwing money around to make the citizens like him. He was draining the Roman treasury faster than he could replenish it through taxes and extortion.

And so before he ruined Rome, a conspiracy is formed between the Pertorian Guard, the Senate and the Equestrian Order. Late January 41 AD, Callegula is stabbed to death along with his wife and daughter by officers of the Praetorian Guard led by Cassius Cheria. And thus Cassius Dio notes, Klegula quote, learned by actual experience that he was not a god.

Ah, that's a great quote. That's a great quote. And then he's the first Roman emperor to be assassinated. So then after his death, the Senate attempts to kind of use his death as an opportunity to go back to the Republic. But Tariya tries to persuade the military to support the Senate. But then soon after Klegel's death, his uncle and last surviving male member of Klegel's family, the dude he used to mock, the crippled guy Claudius, man spared by Tiberius' killing

just to mock him. He is named emperor by the Praetorian Guard. Because the military, and check this out, it always comes down to self-interest. The Praetorian Guard, who have become more powerful, even under Kliggula, which is a guard that only exists to serve the emperor, well, if there's no more emperor, there's no more Praetorian Guard. So they're like, fuck that. Like, if this goes back to Republic, we all lose our jobs.

Job security is a motherfuckerity. Job security. And any, in any time and acceleration. Yeah. Yep. So that's what keeps the Senate going. That's what keeps the Senate going. That just goes to show that the guy that you make fun of and the guy that you taunt the

guy that you fuck with will eventually be your boss. He'll be careful. Who's forehead you draw dicks on when it passes out? That's right. That's right. That's right. But what's crazy to me though is apparently after all this debauchery, he's still loved by the public and they grieve his loss to appease the public. All of those involved in the actual killing of him and his family are found, you know,

tried and executed. And then, you know, Claudius takes the reign. And I guess by the accounts Claudius did a good job. He conquered Britain for Rome. He built a few more aqueducts. He hosted some glad a good job. He conquered Britain for Rome. He built a few more aqueducts. He hosted some gladiator battles, built tons of roads, and he introduced walruses to Italy, which remained there to this day.

Milan is actually a Latin for city of walruses. So I didn't know that. Mostly because that's not true. That part's not true. So the walruses were... He's some of the bitch. But everything else... Well, walruses. I was 100% blown away. But that is Collegula.

My grandmother's from Italy, I was about to literally call her after she was fucking true. Does that mean sitting in the wall or sitting in the wall? What are you talking about? She just smacked me. I started hollering. So that's Colleg like, that's Rome. And again, life was a little different back then.

And I think a lot of his exploits, yeah, he did a lot of horrible shit, obviously. But they're more shocking to us now because of the context we live in. If he did, if just anyone was fucking by a high ranking politician was murdered in the street, that's crazy. If anyone's tortured on video by a politician,

that's crazy. But again, back then, this shit did happen all the fucking time. You know, like, but what's crazy to me though, is about Klaikila is even by the debatura standards of the day, he stood out for being like, significantly debaturist. You know, I mean, for centuries, his name has been synonymous with overindulgence

and the evil abuse of power. And why did he do it? Why did he take it that far? Some people think mental illness. Maybe, to me though, maybe he was just a kid who had most of his family at a young age murdered or exiled by the man who would then raise him and supposedly groom him to indulge

in his worst fucking interests. And then this young man who has these dark desires indulged and who's experienced so much tragic violence is given unlimited power over the most powerful city and nation of the world, the same nation that tore his childhood apart. Maybe you wanted him to pay. Maybe he's a fucking sociopath. Maybe he was created, we'll never know.

But what we can do is take one last look at the crazy life of little boots. Guy is Julius Caesar, a Gus' sister, Man Germanicist colligula with some top five takeaways. Time shut, top five takeaway. All right, number one, colligula may have been many things, but impotent was not one of them. No one knew the ins and outs of Rome in the 4th century AD better than baby boots dick. better than baby boot stick. Maybe the best takeaway ever. Number two, a lot of emperors were revered as gods after they died, but Caligula took it a step further, decided he was a living god, and now we know that if you want to kill God, you just fucking stab it.

Number three, Caligula was really into openly sleeping with powerful men's wives, which as it turns out, is a great way to end up getting stabbed yourself. Number four, a lot of references to general chewing, floating around Caligula, which is even if it's not true, very strange thing to be associated with. I've researched a lot of weird shit over the past six months on TimeSuck. Only Caligula has led me not once but twice to general chewing. Number five, Caligula, the man who drove to Burn People Alive and either fuck or fuck up just about everything

in sight was once a cute little baby dressed up to look just like his daddy right down to his little match and baby boots. What a good reminder for all of us to never ever trust a fucking baby. All right, parents sleep with one I open. That little tote of joy you're raising might just be colligula.

Yeah, it's shit. Time suck, top five takeaway. All right, thanks for listening to another phone episode. Everybody, Cleveland coming up this weekend. I'll be hilarity, San Fran coming up next month. Many more cities, go to time suckpodcast.com. Click on stand up tour and more. Also go to time suckpodcast.com

as he picks and links corresponding to today's show. That's also the place to head to the shop to get that first edition time suck t-shirt made out of 600% pure muskrat labia. Uh, big thanks. If you are getting so creative with these, that is maybe the best one. Muskrat labia. No, no, no. That's your new comedy title.

That's your special album now. Muskrat. And I want to talk your special album now. I can must cry. And I want to talk about our guests now. A big thanks to crime and sports and small town murder gang James Petrugalo, Jimmy Wisman. Let the time suckers know, I listen to your guys. So I love the fucking quality you put into the research, how fun it is. But let the time suck people know just exactly why they need to fucking get these podcasts.

Okay, first of all, Jimmy, you can help me on this. It's crime in sports. It's, you take a criminal after you take someone who we've propped up as this wonderful person who just completely throws it away and we just make one of him the entire time. Trevor Burving. Trevor Burving. I'm going to be on the Trevor Burving. When does that come out?

Tuesday. Okay. So tomorrow tomorrow. Yeah. It will out? Tuesday. Okay, tomorrow. Tomorrow. It will come out tomorrow. This is what we mean. We just take, if you want to see an asshole who has everything and doesn't have to do anything wrong, but chooses to anyway. You see him be made fun of for an hour or 50. So good.

The rise and fall is what I love. Oh, that's what it is. Every episode of Crime and Sports is like things are going great. Things are going great and you're like, when's he going to fucking go terrible? Oh, he had a kid named him. Now. Junior shit. It's going to happen now. Yes.

Yes. It's a, there's patterns, there's everything you can really see how an asshole is formed and how, how ego and hubris. And it's every Tuesday, right? Every single time on Tuesday. It comes out at 12.05 AM Pacific time on Tuesday morning. And also to small town. Yeah, exactly.

We take a little small town. We take it apart, tell you about the demographics. What goes on there, history, kind of how the vibe of the town is and then talk about a horrific murder that happened there are maybe multiple murders that happen from the same person. And we break that all down and just take that case apart and how it affected the whole town and everything like. Where would you want someone to start? Like, like, what's the craziest, let's say, crime in sports, craziest guy so far that you think. Oh, man. That stands out. I know all of them are crazy, but as a one of them, it depends on what you're looking

for. If you're looking for just crazy, I would go with Mr. Dotsik, VLSF Dotsik. He's a Russian UFC fighter who is also a Nazi. Oh, my God. I love that episode. He's crazy. And then if you want the, probably the scummy, history, the worst. Sorry, sorry.

On that one, I just remember the scene where I was laughing to myself at the gym was the, I think it was in Scandinavia. It was some neo-Nazi compound where these dudes are fighting naked. Yes, fighting naked. They're training naked. In the funny yard. In the small outside of a tattoo parlor. Yeah.

You think crazy. A scene. They take two parlor's are scary here. Check them out there. I got scary or not see flags hanging everywhere. And that guy was so fucking crazy that he was deemed too crazy for even Russian prisons. Russian prison, yeah. Yeah, they were like, we can't have him around the other prisoners.

He's going to just freak everybody out. Also to the war force. What was his name? I'm sorry, Red Tarzan. Red Tarzan, yeah. Red Tarzan, he was crazy. They'd interview him and they'd say, so what do you think about the, your fight and he'd just go, and run away.

You're like, oh, all right, that's interesting. And also to we had a guy Eddie Johnson, a former basketball player who was arrested over a hundred times and then finally for raping an eight year old girl. Oh my God. So he was like, Caligula of basketball. So that was a fun one too, obviously. The best part about Eddie is that then after his arrest and public broadcast of it on the news, a douchebag named Skip Bayless, happened to pick up the news

and then he went ahead and flashed a picture of a different Eddie Johnson that still played in the backyard. And he ruined his career. Oh my God. If you Google search Eddie Johnson rape, you will get the wrong Eddie Johnson first. You'll get him first. You think that guy would have a lawyer bit? Can you fucking please?

Jesus Christ. Get fixed to search engine. I believe that he did do some sort of lawyering to get something done because yeah, it's out there. It's definitely out there. If another man comes, fucking rape the kid and then you search for that one and it's like, Hey guys, come on, Tony show. Don't poke the bear. So then, um, then if you don't like those, don't like those, you may enjoy a man named Bruno de Saoza, who was just recently back in the news because what he did was knocked up a Brazilian porn star. Oh, yeah, I remember that.

He did not want to pay child support after the child was born. So he went ahead and chopped up the mother after torturing her and then feeding her meat area of the body to his dogs and then buried the bones and the hard stuff in concrete. So then he went to prison for that and then after seven years he is now out and playing soccer again. Jesus. Signed just recently to a new team. So that's what I mean. It's craziness and it's just tailed truth somebody down and 100% true and research to the point of lack of sleep.

So thank you guys so much for being on here, man. Where should people go to to find the podcast or more about you guys? You can find them on iTunes or audio boom or I heart radio and stitcher. You can find them pretty much everywhere. This podcast are found. You can learn more about us on crevansports.com.

Perfect. Once that comes up, so it'll probably be up while you're hearing this. Okay on Crime and Sports.com. Perfect. Once that comes up. So it'll probably be up while you're hearing this actually. Okay, great. That's great. And you can find me at WisemanSucks, W-H-I-S-M-A-N-Sucks on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. And James.

I'm at Jimmy P. He's funny. And follow us, follow the shows. And Goddamn, we love doing this show. Awesome. And this was so much fun. What a fun special edition of Time Suck. Go get Crime and Sports. And a small-time murder. And the last thing I say, please, please was so much fun, a fun special edition of TimeSuck. Go get crime in sports and a small time murder.

And the last thing I say, please, please, please, please, take a second. It'll take less than a minute to fill out that survey at podsurvey.com backslashtimeSuck. That's PODSUR, vey.com, TimeSuck1Word. Can't stress enough how important this one survey is to the future of the podcast. It can live for years and years with sponsors on life support without them at some point.

And again, that is podsurvey.com slash time suck. And thank you to advance for being the fucking best you guys. All the emails are so great. And I hope one of you sincerely wins that Amazon $100 gift card for filling out that pod survey.com slash time suck, little fucking survey. If you have time suck, like I love time suck, please do it. I'll be doing it with you. So I'm in the running against you to get this gift card.

God damn it. I'm gonna do it myself. It's anonymous. They don't know that I'm the host. I'm gonna fill a survey out from my own fucking show. Real quick, let's go back to one of your episodes that you just covered. A man named Blackbeard, who was the dickhead of the sea. If you haven't listened to that episode, go back and listen to it.

Yeah, the man that killed him is a man named Maynard and my family going through this episode with all these bloodlines, my great, great, great, whatever grandfather is, Mr. Maynard, who circumcised the dickhead of the sea by taking his head off his body, hanging on the front of his boat and then sailing into Charleston Harbor with it.

That's my family. And he is as ruthless as Caligula under the pretense of the law. I hope that 100 pounds that Governor Spotswell gave him for that fucking black beard head has trickled down to you in some way. One day maybe. We'll see. I mean, that was great. Remember getting that text.

That was so great. You guys, thank you so much for listening. Again, potservey.com slash time suck. Have a great week. Keep on sucking. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.