Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 37 - Shark Attacks! Great Whites, Megalodon, & Blood in the Water…

Episode Date: May 29, 2017

Why do sharks terrify us? How dangerous are they? Can they attack in fresh water!?! Can they nibble your dick off!?! SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! So many answers on this getting ready for summertime, shark-infested edition of Timesuck! Today's episode is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. Go to www.dollarshaveclub.com/timesuck today and get their badass Executive razor handle, four stainless steel, six blade cartridges and a tube of Dr. Carver's Shave Butter sent to your door for only 5 bucks! Best razor you'll ever use Timesuckers!

Sharks. That word in the imagery it inspires makes many people think twice about stepping into the water. Why does sharks terrify us? How truly dangerous are sharks? Should you take precautions before hopping into the ocean this summer, which sharks are the most dangerous, the biggest, most deadly? What's the worst shark attack in recorded history?

Can they live in fresh water? Can they attack in fresh water? Can they attack in fresh water? Can they nibble your dick off as you float along the ocean surface? So many questions, so many answers. On this getting ready for some summertime, shark-infested salt water edition of Time Sucks. You're listening to Time Suck.

Thank all you Suckheads out there for hopping on that second edition, Flat Earth Space Lizard Unicorn Nut sack and black magic blend tea. I've been throwing up picks of all you hot and handsome Time time suckers out there. You know, rocking that shit looks great in all its dark glory. OG first generation shirt has also been flying off the shelves as well. Thank you for that. I can't guarantee it, but that one allegedly allows one to time travel. That's why here.

And plans for the third tea already underway. After that one comes out, we'll figure out what to do next. I've had some requests for some stickers. Maybe we'll do some of those. Maybe we'll do some magnets, coffee mugs, trucker hats, custom engraved AK-47s, Bowie knives. I don't know, but it's gonna be fun to figure out. And thanks, as always, for all the I-Tune review,

subscriptions, and recommendations for others to listen so grateful for how you all are spreading the word. Man, grassroots, it's finest. Very fucking thankful. And that thanks, as always, extends to those of you who click on that Amazon button and time-subpodcast.com, do your Amazon shopping and to those you throw bucks at the suck using that donation button at time-subpodcast.com.

Totally unnecessary, but always incredibly appreciated. And thanks for all the offers for help, man. From research to web assistance to artwork, if I haven't gotten back to you, it's just because this little baby is growing faster than I ever imagined, and it gets a little hard staying on top of sometimes. But not complaining, it's just kind of visible to do. Sometimes I just don't have time to respond to the emails or social media stuff, because I'm just focused on using every fucking waking minute when I'm not doing dad stuff

and stand-up stuff to make sure the next episode is as good as I can possibly get it in the time-aloud. Sunday, I'm gonna have time to get more organized. I can feel it, but really, really appreciate it. So generous and thoughtful of you all. You suckers are the fucking best consistently. And finally, big thanks to Devon Bacon for suggesting the topic of Megalodon,

months ago, the giant prehistoric shark that led to this whole shark-based addition to Time Suck. Also, I've been getting a lot of Iceland's suggestions since I mentioned that last episode. Thank you, gonna have to look into some elves, maybe some Vikings before long. I like it. Didn't know about all the weird elf shit in Iceland,

makes me even more fascinated. And now, let's find out what the rest of you have been saying with some Time time sucker updates. Updates, get your time sucker updates. Alright, this one in from Levi Smith, you fucking suckhead, saying the time to suck is now. Levi says, you had mentioned that jackalopes have antler horns and as you should know, antlers and horns are two different things. He says, antlers are made out of bone, are typically branched, are shed every year, and

the winter antlers are found on deer elk. Many more animals, horns are made of a two-part structure, an interior of bone, an extension of the skull, covered by an exterior sheath, typically are not branched, and are a permanent part of the animal. The sheath is made the same way your fingernails are grown by specialized hair follicles. Horn's never shed. They grow with the animal. Prawn horn being kind of the only exception

that sheds and regrows its horn's sheath every year. So horns are found on bison goats, other bovine. And he says, other than that, keep up the suck. It keeps me going throughout the day. I love sucking my brain full of random useless information. Suck on, good buddy. Suck on. You suck on, Levi.

I like it. Now, not everyone may find that interesting, but to someone who grew up around a lot of deer and other wild game and Idaho, I just think that's cool. I just, I fucking, I had no idea that horns and antlers were not just completely synonymous. I just thought antlers were type of horn.

So there you go. Learning stuff. Keep in the curiosity train. Choo, chooin of horn. So there you go. Learning stuff. Keep in the curiosity train. Chew, chewin' along. So thank you Levi. Matt Sharif also wrote in with an update to the designer, baby's genetic modification episode, where I talk a lot about the human genome.

Turns out that's how it's actually pronounced as genome. Just heard it from the official president of science. Just kidding. It's genome, you mother suckers. But he did send in a really cool update. He sent me a link to an article in the UK version of Wired magazine regarding results of a new study using CRISPR, which if you listen to that episode, you know stands for chronically recurring itchy syphilis penis rash. Or it stands for clustered, regularly interspaced, short, palindromic for peets.

And it's a technique I used to edit the very genetic codes that were composed of. Well, last week, a group of biologists published research detailing how they hid an anti-HIV CRISPR system inside another type of virus, capable of sneaking past a host immune system. What's more, the virus replicated and snipped HIV from infected cells along the

way. Science is compared to fucking Pac-Man, man. Going around goblin up those HIV ghosts. How fucking incredible is that? At this stage, it works in mice and rats, not people yet, you know, a little harder to, you know, get approval for testing on humans. But as proof of concept, it means similar systems could be developed to fight a huge range of diseases, herpes, cystic fibrosis, all sorts of cancers. Those diseases are all treatable to varying degrees, but the problem with treatments is that you have to keep them going in order for them to work. The current antiretroviral therapy, HIV, is very successful in suppressing replication of the virus. Says Carmell, a Calili a neuroviralgist at Temple University in Philadelphia, and lead author

of the recent research published in molecular therapy. But that does not eliminate the copies of the virus that have integrated into the gene. So anytime the patient doesn't take their medication, the virus can rebound. Plus treatments can often fail. Calili and his co-authors treated mice and rats with strains of HIV that were latent, hiding away in cellular DNA, and others where the HIV was actively replicated. Then they used it on mice grafted with human cells. And all three cases, HIV rates went down significantly.

Well, Collily believes most of the HIV virus is getting like most of them is enough to cure it, which is superfuckin exciting. According to him, the CRISPR system doesn't need to eliminate all the HIV-invicted cells. Just enough so an HIV patient immune system can get strong enough to take care of the rest on its own. He says, I strongly believe in the gene editing strategy. And with my 30 years in HIV research, I think this one is going to be the one that take us to the end.

Did that fucking insane, man? Curin AIDS could, that could very likely be on the horizon. And curing HIV could be a proof of concept for other diseases, they say, even genetic diseases people are born with. Man, imagine a world where they say, where instead of removing a breast, you know, Angelina Jolie can instead of taking a dose of genes that snip away the genes that threatened her with cancer.

That's the difference between a treatment and a cure. Hmm, that's incredible, man. Moving along with science. I love the Angelina Jolie example. That's from the Wired article, not me by the way. Even super smart nerds are obsessed with boobs. I've met a lot of straight women and gay men who love boobs as well.

Gay men who are repulsed by any talk of a genus, Nazine, Nazine, Nazine, God damn it, Nazine, Naze-18ly, there we go, repulsed, but still like boobs, because fucking breasts are the best. Can we all agree on that? And finally, a whole bunch of you wrote into Tell Me, how much you liked the Domerup so last week, but also that it was incredibly hard to stomach.

I fucking hear you. Shit, man, I read through the topics suggestions, you know, I read through them, I line up some topics, I commit to them, and then I just start digging, and I, you know, I read through them, I line up some topics, I commit to them And then I just start digging and I don't know what I'm gonna find. I knew Dahmer would be fucked up But I didn't know he'd be that fucked up. I was serious when I said leave the kids at home for that one Well little update on Dahmer that I find this one fast and time sucker Ryan Chin sent me a Dahmer update on Facebook Where journalist and author Willis Morgan released a newustrated Witness, the true story of the Adam Walsh case

and police misconduct, implicating Dumber in another crime, very famous one. Adam Walsh, as many of you probably know, was the six-year-old son of America's most wanted host, John Walsh, and he was abducted from the toy aisle of Sears in Hollywood, Florida on July 27, 1981. His severed head was found weeks later. Now that crime led directly to John Walsh's creation of the show America's Most Wanted, which I watched religiously as a kid and I always felt terrible for John that he couldn't find his son's killer, you know, even though he helped find so many other criminals. Well, convict, and serial killer Ode his tool, possible's killer, you know, even though he helped find so many other criminals. Well, convicted serial killer owed his tool possible future time, so topic was known for confessing to murders. He did not commit and he confessed to the murder of Adam Walsh 1983

but due to a boxed investigation and then tooled Dine in prison before a police guy could close the case. You know, it's still a little open-ended. They're never gonna be able to figure out for sure if he was full of shit or not. But in July of 1991, Wisconsin cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer was living in nearby Miami Beach. Now remember, he had just been discharged from the army. We talked about that. He was working at the Delhi, living on the beach, listening to some Michael Fuckin McDonald,

and he may have also killed Adam Walsh. Willis Morgan, former press room supervisor of the Miami Herald was also at Sears that day. The Sears Adams was taken from and he witnessed a young blonde man disappear into the toy aisle when news of Walsh's abduction hit the news. Morgan knew exactly who was responsible. He went to the police with his description of the man, but they didn't take him seriously. And then years later, Dahmer's arrested Milwaukee 1991. Morgan immediately recognizes him from the his counter at Sears that day.

Turns out several other Florida parents also recognize him in the Mochot as the man who attempted to nab their children. And again, while most of those victims were grown men, remember that Dahmer was definitely not opposed to kids, not opposed to boys. So ever since, Morgan has been dating through court records and interviewing

witnesses to prove the truth that he believes, you know, that the police have ignored. He details each findings in a new book called Frustrated Witness, the true story of the Adam Walsh case and police misconduct. I haven't read a camp vouch for it, but wow, man, just what I thought to do couldn't be capable of more evil. But enough about Jeffrey. Today we're talking about sharks. Not exactly a light and fluffy topic, but I think today's show is gonna be a little lighter, a little more carefree, I think, but equally fascinating.

So, let's take a little break from Donner, Eating People. It's time to talk about sharks, Eating People. I mean, that is lighter, right? I hope so. Let's get out of here and get into some sharks. ["Suckers"] Next time, suckers, I need a net. We all did.

OK, so this whole shark exploration started, as I said with a look into Megalodon. Megalodon is a prehistoric shark that lived approximately 23 to 2.6 million years ago during the Cinezoic era, sometimes pronounced as the Cinezoic era. Yeah, again, going to extinct around 2.6 million years ago. During this time, the earth underwent significant climate changes, which would have put significant pressures on Megalodon. The ocean's cooled, sea levels dropped, many large marine mammals, with which Megalodon relied on for food disappeared

during this approximate time. And then, you know, they're gonna disappear as well. Well, back in 2013, the Discovery Channel released a two-hour documentary called Megalodon, The Monster Shark Lives. And because this is the age of spin and sensationalism, the act of like this creature was still alive because they had forgot what the fuck documentary means.

Merriam Webster defines documentaries as being of or consisting of documents contained or certified in writing documentary documentary evidence of relating to or employing documentation in literature or art broadly factual and objective. Google defines a documentary program as a movie or television or radio program that provides a factual record or report. Well, the Discovery Channel seems to define it as we're going to say whatever we need to say to get our ratings out, we're tired of a and a fucking killing us every week. In fairness to the Discovery Channel, they did say the documentary was dramatized, which is kind of like loudly advertising movies, a true story, but then at the end of the advertisement,

quickly and quietly just went whispering, and you actually it's fake. It's all fake. Shark expert David Schiffman, a doctoral student studying Shark Ecology and Conservation at the University of Miami's Abyss Center for Ecosystems, Science and Policy, said, if this megalodon special had aired on the sci-fi channel, I probably would have loved it. But Discovery builds itself as a premier science education television network.

And they're perpetuating this utter nonsense. Well, the biggest fabrication of this documentary was presenting Megalodon as if it was still alive. It's not. It's been extinct, as I said, for a long fucking time. There's better odds that someone will find the Loch Ness monster or a big, but then someone's going to find a living megalodon. The Discovery Channel presented evidence

supporting the creature's existence, including a whale whose tail had supposedly been bitten off by a megalodon, a coast guard video, showing a giant shark-like shape moving to the water, all Hollywood nonsense. Discovery Channel doctorate photos presented fake news footage is real, even woeve actual scientific interviews into the fucking nonsense to make the scientists appear to endorse it. Yeah, the talk featured fake scientists like world-renowned marine biologist Colin Drake, who's interviewed numerous times in

the movie. Colin is actually actor Darren Meyer, who's only a marine biology-ish qualification as having played a doctor in the 2010 sequel to Free Willie. So, if you saw this fucking documentary, just know it's complete, horseshit nonsense. But it was the highest rated episode of Discovery, you know, channels 2013 Shark Week with 4.8 million viewers. And a survey revealed that it convinced 70% of its viewers that Megalodon still does exist. And you know a lot of those motherfuckers still believe it. They never heard the follow-up

through his fake. That's nearly three and a half million people. You know, they're left worrying that a Megalodon could attack them. I'm guessing David Miscavage, head of the church's Scientology love those findings, right? Over 3.3 million people believe that a hundred ton dinosaur shark is still in the ocean. It's fantastic. Oh, gotta tell Tom that. That is great. Can we get a hold of their names and contact info? They believe that's shit. I have some whack a doodle info to sell them. I actually worked on a reality show, quote unquote, for the Discovery Channel. A couple years back called Porter Ridge. And I can say from personal experience that the Discovery Channel is about as interested in presenting factual science as the learning channel is interested in providing meaningful

education. All right, so let's go into some actual facts about what this nightmarish beast was all about, how big was Megalodon? It's easy to understand why Discovery chose the Megalodon to kick off Shark Week, you know? It's fucking to understand why discovery chose the megalodon to kick off shark week, you know. It's fucking pretty intense animal. It grew to an estimated length of 50 feet, megalodon, literally megalotooth, resembles some that have a prehistoric nightmare and has no modern equivalents in terms of size. You know, this one guy, Peter Climley, a shark expert at the University of California,

Davis, said in a 2008 interview, a great wide is about the size of the penis of a male megalodon. Fuckin' love it when nerds get gangster. Yeah, you think a great white's big? Great white-eye shit motherfucker. Your little great white-eemed is big as my megalodon's dick. Mike dropped. Oh, nerds. Some of Saudi's suggest megalodonon which lived from about 16 million years ago until about two million years ago

Had the most powerful bite of any creature that ever lived strong enough to crush an automobile far stronger than that of the great White shark today or even Tyranosaurus Rex that's hell of a bite man had 276 teeth There were three to seven inches long, which is a huge first shark. Those teeth had serrated edges. The biting power of Megalodon, which I just described was obviously beyond tense, had a bite power of 1.8 tons. Sorry, that's the great white. The great white is 1.8 tons, byding power Megalodons, 10.8 to 8.2 tons compared to Tyranosaurus Rex which had about 3.1 metric tonn bite by power. Their size generally 45 to 55 feet in length, occasionally up to 70 feet long.

So you know, three times larger than the great white, about half size of blue whale and the weight anywhere from 47 to 103 tons. Tonn being 2,000 pounds, that means they weigh up to 206,000 pounds, largest known fucking predator in history. That is giant, gigantic shark. Obviously required a massive amount of food, and it's been estimated, an adult megalodon may have had to consume over a ton of food a day to sustain itself.

Fossil evidence points to the megalodon, praying on whales, other large marine mammals, such as sea cows and sea lions. Sea, sea cows, buck and shaking and their sea cow boots running for Megalodon, or swimming, you know, whatever they did. Okay, they swim. It's powerful and scary as Megalodon was though. We don't have to worry about them, you know,

because despite what the Discovery Channel has claimed, they are as dead as the brain of a professional Sasquatch hunter. So let's look into some real facts on some real sharks, maybe ones that we should be afraid of, or maybe not, depending on how you want to look at this info, depending on how you want to interpret it. But before we look into the stats, everyone is researched. I wanted to look into some stats on a very, very particular fear I have long associated with sharks. Can a shark bite your dick off? I've honestly wondered this for a long time.

How does it happen? According to my horrific Google search history or adding to it, excuse me, adding to my horrible search history, I Googled just the sentence, can a shark bite your dick off? And incredibly, no legitimate scientific articles popped out.

Imagine that. No science articles popping right up when you go kind of sharked by your dig off. The first website, the did pop up was Yahoo Answers, and after clicking on it, I came across a fantastically entertaining post, headlined with, what is the likely chance of, oh, shark eating your penis? And I'm going to add some sweet piano music behind this because it just fucking deserves it. Here's the first one I really liked in this thread. A few years ago a good friend of mine went on vacation. When he returned he had notified me while he was swimming in the ocean a shark had formally removed and

ate his penis. I didn't believe him until he dropped his pants and there was nothing there besides his testes that had a little minor damage. Due to this happening, I am terrified to go swimming in the ocean or any water that could possibly be shark-infested. Or do you think it was so tiny I couldn't see it? I'm not exactly sure what happened. Is it possible he was joking with me and was actually born without a penis? Who fucking wrote this? Was it a spammer from the Nigerian email episode? Maybe someone in Lagos, maybe Reverend Dr. William Johnson?

What the fuck? Oh, I love the formal, formally removed an atheist penis. Oh my god. Well, 11 Yahoo users took a shot at answering this. I have two favorites. This versus because the user named Jacob actually took the answer seriously. Saying, when sharks attack people, which is very low,

they will normally bite the leg or arm. When they do attack, they only test the meal to see if it's OK, but they normally do not like human flesh. That's a scientific fact. If a shark removed his penis, then there will be a bite mark around the area. Plus your friend will most likely be dead, he would have lost a significant amount of blood. Or if he survived the attack, he would have not been bragging or showing it to others.

His testes would probably have been removed, or at least one would still be there. What the fuck? Who are these idiots? Who refers to nuts as testes? You know, thread like this. And why would you come to the conclusion that probably one would be there? If a shark attacked your friend's dick, he would have taken one ball, but probably have left the other ball. What? Who are- Who fucking- Who are the people on the internet? My God. Sometimes. Oh, and then someone else going by Bollag, said exactly what I would have said.

I loved this one, maybe laughed so hard at Laid by myself. He said, one in five people get their penises bitten off and eaten by sharks. And that made me laugh so hard because the first fucking idiot seems dumb enough to actually probably believe that. He probably is, oh, God. He's, let me tell people that for the rest of his life, well, you know what in five people get their dick's bitten off, but it's just, their penis isn't, and formally bitten off and their testes. Oh, God, I hope someone believes that.

The 20% of humanity has either already had their penis bitten off by shark or will have a bitten off. I love these as people instead of men. That was a good touch. Cause I would mean if we go through the rough numbers of one and two people being male and 20% of all people have in their dick bit off,

40% of dudes lose their dicks and shark attacks according to that made up stat. And since probably only around 40% ever dudes lose their dicks and shark attacks, according to that's a made up stat. And since probably only around 40% ever swim in the ocean, basically all men who swim in the ocean have either had their dick bitten off or will have their dick bitten off soon. Crazy that people still go to Hawaii and vacation with all those dick hungry sharks out there in the water. Okay.

So no, it appears as if this does not happen. It may never have happened. I couldn't find one legitimate article references, so I'm getting their dick bit off by shark, which makes me feel a little better swimming on the surface. However, however, when I went to page two of my strange Google search results, I did find out that in May of 2016, a man living just outside of Bangkok, Thailand, did almost get his dick bit enough by Python. I'm not kidding. I watched the BBC News report on it with footage of the actual guy

recovering in the hospital, footage of the nearly 10 feet long Python, 10 foot long. Poor guy was going to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet when this snake came up to the pipe, bit down on his dick. He grabbed a snake, basically played a game of tug of war where his dick was the chute toy. And after 30 minutes of battle, a battle assisted by his wife and a neighbor

who joined into help. His wife actually tied a rope around the snake to help with the tugging. He eventually pride the snake jaws off of his dick, got to the hospital and had its ripped up dick sewn back together. What the fuck? Animal control workers then freed the snake jaws off of his dick, got to the hospital, and had its ripped up dick sewn back together. What the fuck? Animal control workers then free the snake from the toilet and released it back into the

wild, wear it immediately, grew some hands, so it could start high five in the shit out of other animals. Who it told its awesome story to. Wow, so while it looks doubtful that a shark is gonna buy your dick off, a toilet snake, you know, there is precedence, has climbed up out of the toilet and bitten at least one person's dick, which may now be my new greatest fear. Okay, now for, you know, some useful stats, I guess.

Let's get into those. All right, these are some stats I found on some surveys on CNN, NATTO, seem reputable. 93% of shark attacks from 1580 to 2010. I don't know why they, 1580 was the year that a lot of these times I found like started, but that's what they say. We're on males, 93% of shark attacks on dudes. So are more dudes out there swimming amongst the sharks

or are sharks attracted to dicks, right? Maybe they're not biting dudes, dicks off. Maybe the dick is what lures them in. Maybe that gets their attention, and then when they get close, they go for a bigger body part. I don't know. No science is going to back that up, and I'm scared again. Another set of surfers accounted for 50.8%

of all shark attacks in 2010. Swimmers and waiters accounted for 38%, snorkelers and divers accounted for 8% and inflatable raft and inner tube users accounted for 3% of attacks. So take your chance on a floaty. That seems like your best bet. The international shark file on Monday, you're reported an unprecedented number of unprovoked

shark attacks worldwide with 98 incidents, a whopping 26 more than the previous year, 40 more than the figure from one decade prior. It turns out new Smirna Beach in Florida is the shark attack capital of the world according to the International ISF, ISAF, sorry, it is estimated that anyone, it's the International Shark Attack File, it is estimated that anyone who has swam there has been within 10 feet of a shark,

they're just all over. Over the last half century, there have been more unprovoked shark attacks in Florida, 27 out of a total of 139, between 2 and 3 p.m. than at any other time of day. September is the month with the most shark attacks in Florida, 93, between 1920 and 2010. You have a 1 in 63 chance of dying from the flu, and only a 1 in 3 million 700,000 chance of being killed by a shark during your lifetime. So maybe you should be more scared of the flu. Over 17,000 people die from falls each year. So a lot of people are clumsy or old or both. That's a 1 in 218 chance over your lifetime compared

to again the 1 in 3,700,000 chance of being killed killed by shark. The US average is just 19 shark attacks each year and one shark attack fatality every two years doesn't happen very often. Meanwhile, in the coastal US states alone, lightning strikes and kills more than 37 people each year. And finally, kind of all these quick little numbers, shark should be way more scared of us than we should be of them. George Burgess, the University of Florida shark Shark Attack Filed Director, told MSNBC earlier this year that an average of five to ten people, worldwide, per year are killed by sharks, while 70 million sharks are killed per year by fishing

fleets. So, you know, in the human versus shark battle, we are winning by a lot. And then my daughter, Manro, when she heard I was doing an episode on Shark Attack, she likes to read a little book she has on animal facts. I fucking love that she's so curious, pointed out that she had read in one of her animal fact books that dear actually kill more people in sharks. I did not know that. So I did what any parent would do, and I immediately burned all of her books because that is some bullshit. No, of course I didn't. I looked it up and she was right.

But before I tell you how right she was, let's check in with today's sponsor. This shark-infested episode of Time Suck is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. With the best razors in the business, they're going to allow your freshly shaved body to glide to the water and away from those pesky sharks as smooth and as fast as possible. My dollar shaped lab razor is so good my wife is stolen it. I use the executive blade and my wife tried it the day after came in the mail, loved how solid and heavy the executive handle was, loved the stainless steel blade and then has new drill razor since. And then when I replace the blade week later because you have four per month shoes annoyed. Said it was a perfectly sharp you know blade after a week which it was but I told her more blades are coming in a few weeks. You get four stainless steel, six blade

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No hidden fees, no commitments, cancel anytime. And you can only get this awesome offer by going to dollarshaveclub.com slash time suck. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash time suck. Now, let's find out if my daughter Monroe is right about deer killing more people, preer than sharks. Deer killing people?

130 people are killed by deer every year apparently. I looked it up, you know, I'm in row, when row was right. Now to be clear, they're killed in car accidents caused by deer. It's not like deer sneaking up on sleep and campers and slitting their throats with their little razor hooves in the dark of the forest. You know, they're not springing out of the bushes

and slapping some hikers to death or running down and goring neighborhood gardeners and joggers. I feel like more people would be cool with deer hunting if deer were doing stuff like that. I've met a lot of people who don't like to thought of deer hunting because they see deer as you know so cute and harmless and peaceful. But what if instead of just eating people's gardens and fruit from their trees, deer's were also trying to sneak into your house and who have slapped your kids to death. What if deer loved goring human babies with their antlers and flinging them around in the air? What if that was their favorite game? Everyone would be hunting deer then, wouldn't they?

Just goddamn it, Rodney Bobby. Well, all of them deer just got another one of the kids. Oh no, who did get this time, Rick and Randy? Please tell me they didn't get little genie jolene. They got tete tere. Tettittara. Wait, who's Tettittara, Rodney Bobby? Is Duck cows youngest? The little one, one brown eye, one blue eye. One normal size arm and one little arm. Yeah.

One club foot and one baby foot. I just, head shaped like a garden hoe. Yeah, I don't always wear it as dad's old wing or 17 concerti. She's only seven teen. Oh, shit. Tedotary. Oh, God, no, I'll go get my guns. Anyway, that doesn't happen.

Kind of funny to think about. Anyway, the odds't happen. Kind of funny to think about, though. Anyway, the odds of you getting attacked by a shark are very, very low. According to some stats, you know, your odds may even be even lower than what I just laid out. Some new stats from sharkcommity.com. The total number 108 of authenticated cases of shark attacks

reported from the Pacific coast of North America during the 20th century is insufficient to determine the probability or odds of encountering shark when entering these waters. They say during the first half of the 20th century only one authenticated, unprovoked shark attack was reported from the Pacific coast while the remaining 107 occurred during the last half of this 100 year period. The site also talks about how not all tax reported and how many attacks that are reported aren't from firsthand sources, making accurate stats almost impossible to come by.

And that's why you're going to notice in this episode. Some of the stats kind of like bounce around a little bit from various studies. They're just not like really conclusive statistics on, you know, shark attacks and exactly what shark got to people. A lot of times, you know, the person fucking ends up on the beach with a bite and they don't know exactly what kind of shark did it. But if you are going to be attacked by a shark, what's the most dangerous place to be attacked? Well, as I said earlier, and according to numerous websites that bounce around New Smirno

Beach, Florida, the shark attack capital, the world, 290 reported shark attacks between 1956 and 2016, and a few more since then in 2017. A woman was actually attacked her last month in April. However, there hasn't been a single fatal shark attack reported there. And not even all the bites have required a trip to the hospital. So, you know, a lot of nibbles, very few big old chunks taken out.

Well, most of these bites are from bull sharks, biting humans by mistake. Now, while no one has been killed by a bull shark in New Smarter Jizz yet, bull sharks are not to be taken lightly. They are one of the big three. The big three is the three species of sharks most commonly associated with deadly attacks on humans.

The Dwayne Wade shark, Chris Boschark and the LeBron James shark. Most notorious for forsaking decades old ethos of sticking to your hometown team and playing against the best competition in the world to win a championship and set a form and an alliance with your fucking enemies and poaching a couple championships. Wait, wait a minute, that's, that's, I'm sorry, that's the wrong big three. That's actually a dated basketball reference that makes no sense whatsoever in this context. No, the big three is the Bullshark Tiger Shark and great white. Now the bull shark, which I just mentioned, grows to be seven to 11 and a half feet in length, can weigh anywhere from 200 to 500 pounds. They have wide, serrated teeth up to an inch and a half in length, they're recognizable by their stocky build and blunt snout.

They're proportionally shorter and wider than other sharks. They're back as light to dark gray, and their underbelly is white, and their opportunistic hunters, they will try to eat anything they come across rather than looking for a specific prey. Whilst their diet is generally made up of fish, they're known to eat stingrays, other sharks, including small individuals with their own species. Less commonly bull sharks have been known to eat sea turtles, dolphins, crabs, sea birds, squid, and ducks. Fucking

mwah. Everything. Sometimes humans, you know, their apex predators, which means, you know, nothing habitually prays on bull sharks. Although they are known to be attacked and eaten by other large sharks on rare occasions. And even a few cases of saltwater crocodiles have eaten them. That'd be a fucking badass fight to watch, man. Crock versus shark. That's a sci-fi movie. Well, in the sci-fi version, it'd be fucking like an alien shark versus a genetically modified crock or some shit.

Okay, but fresh water sharks. Now, this is terrifying. it'd be fucking like an alien shark versus a genetically modified crock or some shit. Okay, but fresh water sharks. Now, this is terrifying. The scariest aspect of Bullsharks to me is their ability to survive in fresh water. Osmo regulation is the ability of an organism to maintain a constant concentration of water in its body, even when its outside environment would normally cause it to lose or gain water, fresh water and saltwater fish both Osmo regulate. But bull sharks can adapt their Osmo regulatory processes to survive in a broad range of water, of water, of water solidities from the saltwater

of the ocean to the freshwater of the lake. And sharks, the normal mechanism of Osmo regulation in a marine slash salt environment is the high concentration of biological solvents in their blood and the removal of excess salt from their blood stream through urine. The former allows them to absorb water from the marine surroundings

while the latter rid them of the salt they continually absorb. These tasks are primarily controlled by the kidneys and most sharks, these adaptations cannot be changed. If they're put into a freshwater environment, they will absorb too much water relative to the concentration of bodily solvents and lose too much salt to stay alive. In other words, most sharks cannot survive in freshwater

because they're not capable of adapting to it. But fucking bull sharks, man. They can do it. Bull sharks are unusual because they can adapt readily to freshwater because they can adapt their process of optimal regulation. The kidneys of bull sharks can be gradually adjusted to suit the salinity of the water they are in when moved gradually into fresh water, you know, like from migrating from the ocean

to an estuary. Then upriver bull sharks, kidneys remove less salt and more urea from the bloodstream through urination. Essentially reversing the normal marine shark method of asthma regulation, the adaptational hours, bull sharks to live in estuaries, freshwater, bull sharks are regularly cited in Lake Nicaragua, some live there permanently, have been reported 2,000 miles from the ocean

and the Amazon River, they've also been seen in the Mississippi River as far as St. Louis, Illinois River, all the way up to Lake Michigan. I mean, holy shit, man, that's fucking crazy. I'd heard that, but I didn't know for sure. That, you know, there's a big, you know, one of the big three, a big ass shark can make it way up a fucking river.

But have they ever attacked anyone in fresh water? Yes, yes they have. Seven year old boy was bitten by what scientists believe based on bite marks was a five foot long bull shark in Louisiana back in 2014. And you know, in a little brackish kind of lake there, lake punch, our train, the lake is connected to a lot of fucking French words

that I didn't have time to fucking YouTube pronunciation video this week. But they did it, they did it, they have done it and have they ever killed anybody? Yes, yes they have, they have killed. Time for the Madawon, New Jersey Shark attacks in 1916. Uh, some fresh water shark terror. Scientists had to revisit much of what they thought they knew about sharks, after these attacks in 1916.

Madawon, New Jersey, a little burrow, just under 10,000 people in East Central, New Jersey, 11 miles inland from the Atlantic Ocean. It's a bus in 1916. Madawon, New Jersey, a little burrow, just under 10,000 people, and East Central, New Jersey, 11 miles inland from the Atlantic Ocean. It's a bus ride from Manhattan. On either the 133, the 135 bus lines, you can take a short train ride from Madawon to Penn Station, a Manhattan, takes you about an hour and a half.

And it's the birthplace of Dolores Holmes, Bruce Springsteen, backup singer. For many years, also Tammy Lynn Sitch, one of the first divas of professional wrestling, who went by sunny during the 90s for the WWF and was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2011. In 2016, Tammy also starred in the vivid entertainment adult film Sonny Side Up in through the back door, which is about exactly what you would imagine by that title.

So you know, we know she's tough in a variety of ways. Also, the birthplace of Howard Kramer, AKA Dragon Boy Swade comedian, Cool Dude. I've talked to you a few times and hosted the Who Chartered Podcast. But in 1916, it was just a sleepy little town, a few miles inland from the Jersey Shore, famous for nothing.

And then on Saturday, July 1st, at Beach Haven, a resort town established on Long Beach Island, off the southern coast of New Jersey, Charles Van Sant's 25th of Philadelphia was on vacation. At the Ingleside Hotel with his family, Tourist season was in full swing. The beaches were filled with sunbaters and the ocean with swimmers. Everything seemed like a hot July day. Well before dinner, Van Sant decided to take a quick swim in the Atlantic. With a chest-pe Bay Retriever,

that was playing on the beach. And shortly after entering the water, he began shouting. Bayder's believed he was calling to the dog, but a shark was actually biting Van Sant's legs. He was rescued by a lifeguard, Alexander Aught, bystander Sheridan Taylor, who claimed that the shark followed him to shore as they pulled the bleeding Van Sant from the water.

Van Sant's left thigh was stripped of its flesh and he bled to death on the manager's desk at the Ingleside hotel at 6.45 pm. Five days later Charles Bruder 27 and Swiss bell captain to Essex and Sussex Hotel was killed while swimming 130 yards from shore. He was swimming out beyond friends. He heard some screaming. Shark bit me. Bit my legs off. Those are the last words Charles would ever utter.

So he didn't hear the screaming. I don't know why he's the phrase of that way. He heard himself scream. He heard himself scream. Shark bit him in the abdomen. Several of his legs, broodered blood turned the water red. After hearing screams, a woman notified two lifeguards that had canoeed with a red hole at his cap size

with floating just to the water surface. Lifeguards, Chris Anderson and George White, rode to Bruder in a lifeboat, realized he'd been bitten by a shark. They pulled him from the water, he blooded the death on the way to shore, mostly because his fucking legs were gone. Beachgoers gathered around his legless remains. And then, okay, those are both ocean saltwater, but then these sharks decided to move inland.

30 miles farther north, residents of Matawana, small town 11 miles inland, like I said, from the open ocean. Now, these people felt that they were safe, the residents there, from shark attacks. Swimmers here were confined to Matawana Creek. I've seen pictures of it, but it's like a small creek, a narrow title creek that wound its way down to the bay. Well, six days after they attacked on Trell's breeder on the afternoon of July 12th, a retired fishing boat captain,

Thomas Cattrell was walking home after a successful day of fishing. When he crossed over Madawon's new trolley drawbridge, he noticed something that seemed almost impossible. A huge shark was heading up the inland waterway. Couldn't believe his eyes, but he was confident that what he saw was real. He ran into Madawon to warn everybody.

And it was usually hot that summer. And basically people thought he just kind of had a heat stroke. It was just a heat-induced phantom, figment of his imagination. Later that day, wasn't a figment imagination. Factory across town was generously letting 11-year-old Leicester still well leave work a little early. And yeah, they were fucking generous to leave an 11-year-old leave the fucking factory work early.

Man, kids today, they have no idea how easy they have it. Not working in a factory, not in this country. After meeting some friends, they went for a swim in the Madawon Creek when they splashed and played. Lester told his two friends, both only a few fade away to watch him float on his back. A moment later, he was violently pulled beneath the water. His friends listened to disbelief, his screams, he bobbing up and down, blood spilling the water, the sharks dragging him under again, and again, his friends swimming as fast as they can away.

Ran into town screaming and crying, 24-year-old Stanley Fisher then sped back to the creek with two other men to find Leicester. The two men dove in not knowing there was a shark still attacking the boys corpse. Stanley Fisher attempts to pull the bloody body away from the shark and is also attacked. He dies a few hours later at Monmouth, hospital and long branch. Heading back down the brackish tile stream towards the ocean, the shark struck again within an hour of the last attack, wounding 12-year-old Joseph Dunn, who only narrowly escaped with his life, but he lost a fucking lake. And that's when he became peg leg Dunn.

That part's not true. I just imagine back then he might have been a peg leg. I don't know why I had to say that. A reward was offer for the shark and the people of Maddoan became obsessed with vengeance against this evil creature. It's not an evil creature, it's just a shark doing what fucking sharks do. But some of the towns, people, and definitely, they put fucking dynamite in the creek. They explode the dynamite of the creek trying to blow the shark into oblivion.

And then, you know, back on the coast, meanwhile, the greatest shark hunt in state's history is underway. Nobody knew that species or size, but some blind retribution was going around. Hundreds of sharks were caught and slaughtered. Shortly after the attack, Michael Slicer, a coastal fisherman, captured another man eater, at least who they thought was a man eater,

just outside the creek at Rareitan Bay, it was eight and a half foot, great white, when dissected 15 pounds of human remains were allegedly discovered in a stomach. For many, they greatly discovered, brought closure to the summer's horrific events. Now I earlier, I said this is about a bull shark, and I said that because many experts now dispute the original reports of the rogue shark being in great white.

They think the shark that he found was actually a bull shark. People didn't know that much about sharks back then. So the attacks of 1916 and the panic they caused, and they did cause panic. You know, President Woodrow Wilson apparently called a cabinet meeting over this. And the White House agreed to give federal aid to drive way all the ferocious man eating sharks, which have been making prey of baters, according to July 14, 1916 article in the Philadelphia Inquirer. Well, the panic they caused served as the party inspiration for Peter Benchley's 1974 novel, Jaws, and then the 1979 Steven Spielberg movie of the same name that followed.

And that's definitely where I got my initial fear. Many years later, watching Jaws, where my fear of sharks began. But is this a common event? You know, was this happening all the time? Is it still happening all the time now? No, not at all. George Burgess, a shark expert, called it the most unique set of shark attacks that have ever occurred, but it has happened more

than during just the 1916 New Jersey attacks, especially in Australia. Bull sharks are bound in the Hastings River, which flows into Port Macaray. A small coastal city of roughly 46,000 in Australia, South Eastern Seaboard, 570 kilometers south of Brisbane, 390 kilometers north of Sydney. Port Macaray was founded in 1821 as a penal settlement, the destination for convicts who had committed secondary crimes and new South Wales. Under its first commandant, Francis Almond, life was fucking not good there, he was fond of flogging, and I guess settlement became a hell, or convicts had limited liberties, especially in regard to being in possession of letters and writing papers. You could get up to a hundred lashes for having some paper. Now it's largely

retirement vacation community, full of beaches and shopping. And it's also home to the bill of Bonn zoo, a wildlife park and a quality breeding center, a quality preservation society, quality hospital, which sounds like the most adorable hospital ever. We're a little society, called Hospital, which sounds like the most adorable hospital ever. We're a little sick, little qualis, our Falcon brought back to health. And at the Hastings River, this river runs to town and many of the other eastern Australia rivers, like the Hastings River, are home to bullsharks. They've been blamed in the deaths of at least two people in Queensland's waterways during the past 15 years. Anglers have been catching up to 100 bull sharks a week in rivers and canals in the state of Queensland

and certain seasons. So that's fucking crazy, man. So there are a lot of, in certain parts of the world, a lot of sharks in fresh water. So what are the odds of you being attacked by a shark in fresh water? Well, I feel like if the odds have been attacked

by a shark in general, or one in 3.7 million, and zero stats come up when you ask Google, what are the odds of you being attacked by a shark in fresh water? Because I can only find a handful of stories about it on the web. So I'm guessing, you know, like ridiculously low watts. You know, and the media would be all over it. There would be articles if it happened to be a sensational story. I'm guessing like one in a billion, one in five billion. I mean, you probably have a better odds, a better odds of a snake climbing out of a toilet and biting your dick then you do have a shark killing you in a river. You have a way better chance of being killed by

hippopotamus. Between 2006 and 2016, hippos mauled 25 fishermen to death and injured many more in the tiny fishing village of Guloulombou in Senegal, Africa alone, just one tiny village. But enough about bowl sharks. Talk about the next one in the big three. It's about tiger sharks. Tiger sharks are bigger than bowl sharks. Generally 10 to 14 feet in length,

can reach up to 17 feet in length. And they generally weigh from 850 to 1400 pounds. They have short teeth for their size, only 1.1 inches in length for their teeth are wide, and incredibly sharp and serrated. Also a powerful jaw strength, capable of smashing a sea turtle shell. And Tiger Shark has a reputation for eating anything.

Young Tiger Shark's are found to prey larger and small fish, as well as small jellyfish, some molisks. But then around the time they reach a seven and a half feet in length, large and small fish, as well as small jellyfish, some mollusks. But then around the time they reach a seven and a half feet in length, they start going after bigger things like Cbirds, seasnakes, dolphins, seals, sea lions, sea turtles, and fuck people.

In fact, actually adult sea turtles have been found in 20.8% of studied tiger shark stomachs. So they love turtles. So you know, best odds now get attacked by a tiger shark. You know, swim like just a little bit towards the beach from a whole bunch of turtles. Let them get the fucking turtles, you know, or release release a bunch of sea turtles out into the water and then you swim 20 yards behind them. Form a sea turtle wall. I don't know if that would help actually.

But they also may attack injured or alien whales. A group was documented attacking and killing an alien humpback well in 2006 near Hawaii. They have excellent eyesight and acute sense of smell, able to react to faint traces of blood and follow them to the source. And because they're aggressive and indiscriminate feeding style, Tiger Sharks often just eat random shit

like automobile license plates, oil cans, tires, baseballs. Apparently they're the goats of the sea. Tiger Sharks are responsible for slightly more bites and fatalities than bull sharks. There's a stat sheet on recorded shark attacks occurring worldwide since 1580, and Tiger Sharks have attacked 111 people, killed 31. Bull Sharks by comparison have attacked 111 people killed 31 bull sharks by comparison of attacked

100 people and killed 27 uh... most sharks in Hawaii though uh... uh... are relate most shark attacks excuse me in Hawaii that are related to tiger sharks making them bigger assholes in bull sharks for ruining the fucking cool place to swim you know one thing to attack people on the jersey shore is another to fuck up people's you know vacations in Hawaii. Tiger sharks were also at least partially involved in the worst shark attack in recorded history. A shark attack so large and horrific,

it requires its own segment. It's time for some super scary stuff. Super, super, super. So the USS Indianapolis shark attack. So the USS Indianapolis Shark Attack. It's good into this horrific tale. On July 30th, 1945, the US cruiser Indianapolis was directed to sail from Guam to late-take Gulf in the Philippines to join the battleship USS Idaho in preparation for the invasion of Japan.

She had just delivered the world's first atomic bomb to the island of Tanein four days earlier. It had been shortly after midnight when the ship the USS Indianapolis was torpedoed and sunk by a Japanese submarine in the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean, some 500 miles east of the Philippines. Over the 1200 men aboard, about a quarter went down to ship. The rest made it into the water, and in the dark hours afterwards they struggled to keep a float.

Those who didn't have lifejack is clinging to those who did. Their soon were hundreds of fins around us, we called Harold Eck, an 18-year-old seaman at the time. The first attack I saw was on a sailor who had drifted away from the group. I heard yelling and screaming and saw him thrashing, then I just saw red foamy water. Another survivor said they were upon us every three or four hours. Bugler, first class Donald Mack who who would never forget the screams, had the realization there was one less man to be rescued every time we heard those screams.

And the feeding frenzy, which was happening, is still the worst shark attack in recorded history. For nearly five days, these guys remained in shark-infested waters with no one else even realizing they were missing. Now that oversight was due to their kind of top secret mission, you know. took a while for the Navy to even realize these guys were gone after they, you know, had delivered their atomic payload just, you know, just prior to this attack and sinking. Because of what they were doing for this mission was they were bringing parts to that would be used to build the atomic bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Phew.

Well, the thrashing of these guys often attracted sharks, and we'd hear a blood-curdling scream. Remember, Edgar Herril, like a fishing float taken under the water, the helpless sailor quickly disappeared, and then his mangled body would resurface, moments later with only a portion of his torso remaining. Then the torso was fought over by other sharks. A haunting sound ensued. I cannot erase from my mind, says Edgar.

Edgar. The facts that sharks tended to attack live victims close to the surface is consistent with them being oceanic white tips, known as the dark night to the ocean. But tiger sharks are also believed to have been involved in this attack. Now a real quick note on the oceanic white tips, growing up 10 feet long. They're not the largest sharks, but the ferocity once led oceanographer Jacques Cousteau to describe them as the most dangerous of all sharks. These killers were unused to retaliation. So they could sometimes be deterred by jabbing them in the eye. They weren't used to anything kind of fighting back. So again, these oceanic white tips, not one of the big three, but another fucking scary shark. Now,

and like I said, the tiger sharks also believed to have killed several of these sailors, or possibly many more. No one's ever going to know for sure what the ratio was, because not like these guys were taking time to fucking write notes, they were just floating and hoping not to be viciously torn apart. The shipwreck man also learned there were safety numbers, the shark preferring to pick off only those who drifted off to the perimeter of their groups. Man, mostly though, there were just little of these sailors could do except for just kind of float and pray that they would not be the

next victims. Our next victim on numerous occasions, I recall seeing a large fin coming straight at me, wrote Edgar Harrow. And horror, I would take what I thought would be my last breath, bend my knees up to my chest. Sometimes I could feel a fin brush past my body. Other times, I would merely feel the wake of the massive beast streaking to the water just underneath me. These gut-wrenching encounters caused me to feel as though I had constantly tied up in a knot. My abdominal muscles becoming completely exhausted, leaving my legs to dangle helplessly in the path of one of these mighty marauders. Fuck that would suck. Among the stranded men was the ship's chief medical officer, Dr. Lewis

Haynes, who became little more than a floating corner. I'd look into a man's eyes and if his pupil was dilated and he didn't blink, I'd declare him dead, he said. Then we take off his life jacket because we needed every damn one that we could get our hands on. By the fourth day, even life jackets were given up filled with a natural fiber kpop. They had long exceeded their buoyancy limit of 48 hours and therefore dragged many men beneath the surface. God damn man, even their life jackets are fucking killing them at this point

Ugggh, hopes of rescue were almost completely gone when the pilot of a US bomber on an anti-submarine patrol looked down and saw the oil soaked heads of men bobbing on the water By the next morning the survivors fifth day in the water destroyers were on the scene No one knows how many deaths were due to sharks rather than exposure or dehydration, but only 317 men remained alive. Many had excruciated infections from shark bites and the attempts to clean the oil off some many layers of decomposing skin peel away with it. My God. Imagine 5 fucking days of watching sharks constantly kill the people around you, them bump up against you not knowing when you were gonna be next How do you not just go completely insane even if you do live after that? Wow And as that as that all wasn't bad enough the victims were dealt one final horrific blow many years later When USS Indianapolis men of courage starring Nicholas Cage as USS Indianapolis captain Charles McVeigh

was released. Another travesty. It was released in theaters on Veterans Day and grossed just over over $700,000 after costing of $40 million to make. So yeah, $40 million budget, fucking makes $700,000 at the theaters. Not a good film. AB Club Critic Ignatiy Vyshevsky says every expense has been spared. The sets are either claustrophobically limited or anonymously empty. The period detail is non-existent and the special effects are on par with the sci-fi original. Roger Moore, from movie Nation says, overreaching muddled and not reliably accurate. Millions of wartime movie fans who saw the trailer said, seriously? Nicholas Cage is still alive?

Fuckin' there's no way I'm watchin' this shit. Amateur film critic in three-legged, one-eyed, pipp-o-bo-jangles said through a canine to human interpreter. This shit storm sucks my furry continually moist from being constantly licked nuts. I'd rather sniff Nicholas Cage's washed up butthole for two years, or actually be attacked by sharks than be forced to endure this film again. I'd have my remaining three legs removed if only it would give me the two hours and eight minutes of my life back to this movie stole. In one way, the sailors that died in that shark-confessed water back in 1945 were lucky.

At least, they never had to see this. Okay, so now you've heard this scariest story. I don't know how you top float and remote ocean water with a few hundred other men listening to their death whales, seeing circling fins and blood in the water for five straight days. Not sure what would be worse. I don't know what would be worse in that situation. Watch them get attacked from the day or just hearing screams at night and having no idea

how close they are to you. Seriously super scary stuff. But still, the real nightmare maker is the last third of our trifecta of scary sharks. The Bull Shark attacks in New Jersey in 1916 may have inspired jaws, some tiger sharks may have added to the feeding frenzy fate of the USS Indianapolis crew, but the great white is arguably the scariest of them all. Why? First off, it's fucking huge.

It's 15 to 20 feet long. And there's rumors to be great whites, even greater than 20 feet in length. They've been same, it's not caught, such as the female great white nickname, deep blue, seen off the coast of Guadalupe Island in Mexico in early 2016. Great whites can weigh in excess of 5,000 pounds,

two and a half tons. They have 300 serrated teeth up to three inches long, right, they can swim up to 35 miles an hour, so you're not getting away. They have an incredible sense of smell. Great whites can detect one drop of blood and 25 gallons of water. Consents even tiny amounts of blood in the water up to three miles away. They have organs. They can sense the tiny electromagnetic fields generated by animals.

Their main prey includes sea lions, seals, small tooth whales, even sea turtles carry on. And like a tiger shark, they can eat anything. Audities found in the stomachs of sharks over the years have included a box of nails, shoes, chairs, back half of a horse, bottles of wine, even a fucking torpedo, apparently. Only one ocean predator is bigger than the great white. That's the killer whale. Killer whales grow up to 32 feet long and can weigh up to 12,000 pounds. And they're the only creatures other than human hunters that can fuck with Great Whites. Pods of Orcas, the mammals, sometimes hunting groups, recently killed several Great

Whites off the coast of South Africa. Eight only, their nutrient-rich livers and then let their carcasses float to shore. How insane is that, man? A pod of Orcas fucking killing Great Whites and then let their carcasses float to shore. How insane is that, man? A pot of Orcas fucking killing great whites and then taking their livers. But still, if I had to choose, I would rather see great white coming after me in the water than a killer whale. Color whales, aka Orcas, aka Orcas, excuse me,

are rarely attacked humans, only once in the wild, on record, on September 9th, 1972, California's surfer, Hans Kreshmer, reported being bitten by an Orca 9th, 1972, California's surfer, Hans Kreshmer, reported being bitten by an orca at points sur, most maintained that it remains the only fairly well-documented instance of a wild orca by a new human, and he didn't die,

his wounds are required a hundred stitches. Great whites, however, are responsible for the most documented series of attacks of any group of sharks on humans, of the 100 plus annual shark attacks worldwide, fully one third to one half are attributable to great whites. Referencing the University of Florida stats once again, since 1580 great whites have been responsible

for 314 documented attacks, 80 of which have been fatal. That's three times the attack speed of the bull or tiger shark, and almost four times the fatalities of bull sharks. However, most of these are not fatal, and new research finds that great whites who are naturally curious are sample biting, then releasing their victims rather than

praying on humans, not a terribly comforting distinction. But it does indicate that humans are not actually on the great whites menu. So how do you enjoy the ocean not worry about sharks? First off, I was talking about where to swim versus where not to swim. The main way to avoid being attacked by a shark is to stay completely out of the water. Bojangles has been helping me with research, and that son of a bitch assures me that no one has ever been attacked on land unless you count pool sharks, which he does not. But if you want to be extra safe, just add a pool hall as well. But if you do want to go in the water and don't want a risky shark attack, you might not want

to swim around Australia. There have been 342 fatal shark attacks in Australia since records being kept in 1788. The US ranked second since Australia with 247 fatal shark attacks at that time, followed by South Africa with 136 fatal attacks, Papua New Guinea with 56 fatalities in Mexico with 42 fatalities round out the rest of the top five there. Now, again, these numbers, you know, kind of bounce around a little bit depending on the study, but it just kind of gives you the gist.

Australia's high incidence of fatal shark attacks has made more stark by the country's small population. Australia's population at 23.7 million, compared to 325 million in the US, 55 million South Africa. Sydney Harbor is the number one location for fatal shark attacks in Australia with 17 fatalities out of 32 attacks followed by Townsville and Queensland with 12 fatalities out of 17 attacks.

New South Wales is the deadliest state with 128 fatalities out of 457 shark attacks according to this data. Figures also show 27% of the 1247 attacks recorded across Australia in the past 227 years were fatal. Still want to hit the Australian beach fine. Again remember these stats, you're still far more likely to die in a car wreck or even

be killed by lightning than you are to be attacked by a shark in Australia or anywhere else. People swim in the waters of Australia, even the most shark infected all the fucking time, thousands and thousands every year millions of chances for sharks to attack each year only a few fatalities. But so if you're gonna do it, here's a few more practical tips. This is from surfscience.com. Number one, avoid surfing at night and at dawn. This is a popular feeding and hunting time for sharks. Also the lack of visibility from the dark water makes it easier for them to mistake you

from one of their favorite meals. Number two, look for warning signs. Warning signs are sometimes posted on beaches where sharks have been cited. Not a good idea to test your fate, you know, don't ignore the warning signs. Number three, avoid river mouths and channels. These are areas where food and fish flow out into the ocean, making an abundant resource of sharks for sharks to feed. Avoid surfing after a rain because again, it causes the water to be murky.

Low visibility causes them to mistake you for something else. Number four, don't wear anything that is bright, high contrasting in color or shiny, shiny jewelry can resemble the scales of a fish, bright colors such as yellow and orange and high contrast colors can attract sharks. Don't surf, this is number five, don't surf or swim if you're bleeding. You could potentially be attracting sharks within a one mile radius. Even farther away for certain sharks. In fact, sharks can smell and taste blood from more than a mile away, and they can track that send back to you. Number six, stay away from dead animals and fish. Sharks love to feed on dead animals, and you don't want to be anything anywhere near one of them when they're feeding. Number seven, stay away from fishing and sewage.

Fish are been thrown bait into the water, which oftentimes can attract sharks and sewage attracts bait fish, which then will attract sharks. Number eight, avoid erratic movements, splashing, playfully splashing around in water, can attract sharks. So don't have fun. Don't have fucking fun when you're out there in the water. Number nine, beware of drop offs and sand bars. Oftentimes, these are areas that are ideal conditions for surfing, but are our favorite feeding areas for sharks. And number 10, just fucking get out of the water if there's a shark sighting. You know, regardless of how epic the waves are, they say, get out of the ocean surfing

another day, dude. So basically, if you hop into the water where a creek is dumping muddy silt into the ocean, where there's a bunch of people fishing, you have an open wound, you wear a neon, yellow bedazzled swimsuit, lifeguards are telling you to get out of the water because they just had a saw shark. Some parents are telling you their kids just took a shit in the water there, you might want to get out and you've rubbed your own body down with dead fish grease and you're in Australia while you're fucking asking for it. It's like you want to be attacked.

You should spend a couple days in a mental health facility, you're fucking asking for it. It's like you want to be attacked. And you should spend a couple days in a mental health facility. You need help. When you think it's a better idea to rub your body down with dead fish grease, fish grease, and then sunscreen. When you think open wounds don't need to be treated and you like to swim around shit, your brain does need to be treated. And here's one more tip straight from me.

Now, this is no science back in this up. Don't swim in an area where no one else is swimming and don't swim farther out than anyone else. This isn't a tip again back by science, it's just what I do when I go to the beach to make me feel better. Like if a bunch of kids are swimming farther out in the water than me, it just makes me feel a little more safe. Like look, I don't want kids to be attacked. I don't. I really don't. But I figure some rogue shark is going to attack. They're going to have a little kid snack before they're going to fuck with me, especially if the kids are 30 feet out and I'm 10 feet out.

You know what? So just do with that info, you know what you wish. Well the folks at surfscience.com also have advice for what to do if you're attacked by a shark. Actually, it's just kind of one tip, except certain inevitable and horrific death, except the fact that God is real and He hates you and you're being punished for something horrible that you did. And that's why despite incredibly low odds of getting attacked by a shark, it's happening to you.

No, of course that's not true. Here's what they say. Number one, stay calm and still. You know, it sounds a lot easier, you know, said than done, but it's really important. You know, like many predators, sharks can sense fear and this will only arouse their senses and attack instincts. That's so scary that they can fuck and sense fear. You also need to keep cool in order to analyze

the few critical seconds that you have to make the right decision to save your life. Number two, defend yourself. Get in a position where you're able to defend your front and sides of your body, try to avoid using your hands, use any weapons possible. And in a case, it's likely the only thing you have is your surfboard, use that as a shield,

a barrier from the shark, strike back at the shark. It's most delicate areas such as their eyes, nose, and gills. Number three, get aggressive. If it bites you and drags you underneath the water, plain dead's not gonna help. Get as aggressive as you can, scratch those fucking eyes. Number four, stop the bleeding. Get out of the water as efficiently as you can.

You know, most sharks who attack, surfacing, they're prey and once they realize it's not their usually, you know, usual high fat meals are gonna let you go. And so it's just, you know, critical that you get to the beach as fast as possible and get those wounds, you know, usual high fat meals are gonna let you go. And so it's just, you know, critical that you get to the beach as fast as possible and get those wounds, you know, the bleeding stopped as fast as possible.

All right, so that's what you do. Okay, so what do we learn? What do we learn here today? Some conclusions about sharks. I think, you know, again, the odds of being attacked by sharks, little and great white or exceedingly small. So I was thinking, like, why are we so scared of them? You know, which is what led me to this topic

in the first place, really besides the Megalodon reference. I've always been scared of sharks personally. And I think the main reason is because they look super scary. And they live in a super scary place, right? Fear of the unknown is a real phenomenon, it's a real thing. Shark's living a place unknown to most of us, the depths of the ocean.

I know some people who are terrified of the woods, right? They think a bear is going to get them or a wolf. Maybe a rattlesnake or a mountain line. I'm not scared of the woods because I essentially grew up in the woods. I spent far more time out in the woods of Central Idaho, Cronup and Riggins, and most people who were ever spent in the woods their entire life. We didn't have a bowing alley, a movie theater, a mall, we had a mountains. And I was never worried about getting eaten by a thing because I was out there. I got to experience it. I saw that it's safe, the overwhelming majority of the time. However, I spent zero time in the ocean as a kid.

So that was the unknown to me. I have a vague memory of playing on a rocky beach as a kid in Alaska when we lived in Anchorage for a few years. Then I didn't see a beach until I was probably 13 or 14. It's not the Pacific from a distance in Laguna, California, didn't get in the water. Didn't get in the water at all in the ocean until I was 20 years old,

traveling by myself in France during the semester of broad in Europe, went to the beach in Nice, France, and it scared the fucking shit out of me. Like, fuck, really scared me to get in the water. I forced myself to go out, you know, where I couldn't touch for maybe three seconds. And then I quickly scrambled to the beach

and never got back in. You know, because my only experience was sharks and the kind of the ocean was watching jaws, basically. That, another kind of shark movies and programs. And it just, you know, it didn't make sense to me the way the forest does. You know, I feel like I can see a bear come in the distance. I feel like I have a chance to climb a tree,

maybe try and get away, but in the water I just felt so fucking helpless. I think humans are exceptionally frail sharks because we're the true apex predator in the world. We can kill anything. We have no real natural predators as long as we're armed and as long as we're on land. But once we go underwater, we are vulnerable.

We can't move like we can on land. We can't breathe without technological assistance. We're literally out of our element and we hate feeling helpless. Then you add a big nightmare, fucking looking predator, that element. An element we're already uneasy about, afraid of drowning in. An animal that's built to kill anything and everything, and it's fucking path. And of course, a powerful fear is going to be born.

So that's what I think. That's why I think it is why we're afraid of sharks. Despite again, incredibly low stats that they're going to actually kill us. Let's see what some experts think though. I looked into this and here's what I found, David Auropec, instructor of risk communication at Harvard University, author of the book How Risky Is It Really? Why are fears don't always match the facts? He says that people essentially are terrified of sharks because getting eaten by a shark would

be a really crumbly way to die. He says we're not just afraid of things because of the likelihood that they'll happen, but also because of the nature of them if they do happen. He told life science, so it may be unlikely that you're attacked by a shark, but if it would fucking suck in a bad way, not in the time suck way, if it did. If you did get attacked by a shark, fear of sharks is rooted in the brain, he says, and can be understood by examining what Ropehead calls the two biological truths about how brains process information.

The first of these truths is that humans are hardwired to respond to information with feelings first and thought second. The second truth is that over time, humans tend to respond more with feelings than they do with thinking. So in other words, when a person thinks about sharks, he or she really isn't thinking objectively.

Humans tend to feel scared of sharks first, and at some later point, consider the actual risk the sharks pose if they ever consider that at all. And that trend doesn't reverse over time. That is, people don't start thinking more rationally about sharks the longer they sit on the beach, pondering the great expanse of water in front of them. In fact, the longer people think about sharks, they might be swimming below the surface,

the more scared they might feel, says Ropec, which adds these explanations originated from work done by neuroscientists studying how the brain responds to threats. But these ideas leave an important question, I answered why sharks, after all, there are plenty of big predatory animals out there that could kill a person in much the same way as sharks can. But you don't hear people talk about their fear of wolves or bears as much. Well, the preoccupation with sharks has to do with something Ropec calls the lazy brain. We have a bunch of mental shortcuts that allow us to quickly judge situations before we have all the information.

We make up our mind quickly because it's easier for the brain to do that, it takes calories to think. One of the mental shortcuts your brain makes is known as the availability heuristic. First described by psychologist Daniel Keniman. Essentially, this is the brain tendency to focus on information that is recent and readily available in making decision. For example, let's say you watch Shark Week and then you read a few news stories about some recent shark attacks. And then you're on vacation,

fucking North Carolina, while there you wait out to the water and you feel something rub against your lake. You don't see what it is. When the availability heuristic mental shortpex in, we leap to the conclusion, shark, without going to the facts, he says, we never get to the what-or-the-odds part because the nature of the brain is to take partial information, quickly judge whether there may be danger, then draw quick protective or precautionary conclusions before we can objectively look at all the evidence. You know, you could see a fucking wolf, but you can't necessarily see a shark, that's what your brain does that.

And it's particularly easier for people to jump to inclusion about sharks because of the specific kind of risk that sharks pose to humans, instead of a quick. He explained the psychologist and I found that there are certain risks that seem more less scary to a person. A risk that results in a gruesome death, i.e. being eaten alive by a shark, is scarier than the risk of a not-so-grews-death, such as falling asleep and never waking up. And then the hidden nature of a shark attack also makes it more frightening, he says, it's scary to encounter a risk when you don't know that something is about to happen,

like a shark lurking underwater that you can't see. Uncertainty makes the risk even scarier. Ha ha! That's what I said. Not being able to see those fuckers come in, that's what fucking scares us the most. Well, if you're not really afraid of sharks, it might be because the risk they pose to you is familiar, Ropex said. For example, if you live in Florida where most shark attacks in the United States occur, then you might not be as fearful of these creatures as someone who lives in Maine where shark attacks are extremely rare. And while this may seem counterintuitive, after all, wouldn't someone who is more likely

to be attacked by sharks be more fearful than someone who is less likely to be attacked? He says not necessarily and also saying not necessarily is Christopher Bader a professor of sociology at Chapman University in Orange, California Bader and his colleagues colleagues study fear specifically the investigate what kind of crimes Americans fear most the Reachers researchers have found that the more familiar a person is with a risk of being becoming a victim of a certain crime, the less likely that individual is to fear it. While Bader hasn't specifically studied people's attitudes about sharks, he said he thinks the same trend is likely true for shark attacks. In other words, the more familiar you are with your risk of being a victim of a shark attack,

the less likely you are to fear being a victim of an attack. Well, that makes sense to me too, man. Again, part of my fear, it was sharks has to do with my mom being fucking terrified of sharks and making me think one would attack me the second I set foot in the ocean. You know, my mom was also scared of earthquakes and urban violence, like gang shootings. Why?

Because my mom lives in central Idaho where none of that shit happens. No earthquakes, no shark attacks, no urban for urban violence to occur. Her only interaction with these dangers comes from the media, sensationalized shark week on Discovery Channel, sensationalized crime shows on MSNBC, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Right?

But most Americans have a skewed perception of how likely they are to be victims of any kind of crime and the average Americans perception of how likely he or she is to be the victim of a shark attack could be similarly skewed according to Bader. He says a lot of the work that my colleagues and I have done is about why people tend to have fears about things which are not actually in all likelihood going to be something they experience and why their fears are much lower in terms of things that they are more likely to experience.

Well, last year Bader and his colleagues conducted an internet survey in which they asked Americans to divulge how fearful they felt about specific things. The results showed that people who reported watching television regularly, including news and crime shows, were more likely than people who didn't watch these programs to think that the rates of certain crimes, such as serial killers, had gone up over the past 20 years when, in fact, the opposite is true. The risk of serial killers and the risk of shark attacks are both extraordinarily low, and these risks have gone down generally over time,

but people don't tend to perceive it that way, it's his beta. Like they do with crime, people get most information about sharks from the media, which can be a problem, he says, he added that when one shark attack occurs, media outlets tend to seize the opportunity to report on other examples of such attacks. The heightened coverage can give people the impression

that the rate of shark attacks is on the rise, even though that's not necessarily true. And Bader's research has shown that people who think negative incidents are on the rise are more likely to be afraid, they will be victims of such incidents. And both Jangle's research tells me that's exactly what sharks and serial killers want us to think that there's nothing to be afraid of.

All right, so I feel like hopefully we learned that shark fear is largely just in our head and now we kind of understand why it's in our head. Well, before we feel too safe, let's get scared a few more times with some top five takeaways. Time, shark, top five takeaway. Number one, a dude in Thailand had to have his wife and neighbor help him from getting his dick ripped off by a snake. He battled for 30 minutes with a 10 foot toilet python that was literally trying to eat his penis.

I know that has nothing new, but I just felt like that story bears repeating. 2. Bullsharks can live in fresh water and have killed people in rivers. Not often, not often, but holy shit is that terrifying. That's like finding out that grizzly bears sometimes can fly and occasionally snatch people out of hot air balloons. And if you look down to your left, you can see the bell tower of the original town parish built in the 1734. Brick workers were brought in from Ireland to complete it. It's beautiful. And if you look down to your right, you can see a guy damn flying grizzly bear.

Come, it's coming right for us. Not again. Oh, sweet job, not again. Number three, the best way to stop being afraid of sharks is to face your fear and get in the water. People who grow up around or live near shark habitat, familiarize themselves with shark attack stats, much less likely to be afraid of sharks than people who never get in the water and just watch shark week. However, facing your fears is also

the best way to get attacked by a shark. Number four, the US average is just 19 shark attacks each year, one shark attack fatality every two years, meanwhile in the coastal US states alone lightning strikes and kills more than 37 people each year. So you know, maybe you should start being a little bit more afraid of lightning. Maybe you should stop wearing the aluminum foil hat you made to keep space lasers from controlling your thoughts because it can get you killed. And number five, some new info. I'd always heard that a shark could get you in three feet of water because my mom is a

fucking shark fear and lunatic. Is it true? Well, turns out it is. Bull sharks, especially have a known-to-attack in water less than three feet deep. However, the vast majority of attacks in shallow water are non-fatal. I mean, of course, Sarah, think about it. The shallow water, the tiny of the shark has to be to actually swim in it. So, you know, you can be attacked in, you know, one-feet of water. You know, one-foot of water, you can get attacked by a shark. Sure, you know, you can be attacked and, you know, one feet of water. You know, one foot of water, you can get attacked by a shark. Sure, you know, that can happen. Yes, but it's going to be a tiny shark that might just be able to cut up your foot a little bit, but it's not going to drag you into deeper water, you know, where more attacks

are waiting for you by bigger sharks, that the tiny shark has been collaborating with. Now, that would be scary. If little sharks work fit and fin with bigger sharks, you know, little ones navel your ankle, knock you down, get you into slightly deeper water. We're a medium sized shark, pulls you into fucking even deeper water, and so on and so forth until eventually a great white just swallows you whole, which has happened, you know, the swallowed whole part, not the dragging into the depths part. So yes, it is true, but it's not as bad as I thought. So, you know, kind of positive note to end our shark talk on, I think.

I'm going to say it is. Time suck tough five takeaway. Well, thanks, suck heads for listening. If you're enjoying the suck, please follow it on social media at time, suck podcast on Instagram, Twitter, slash time suck podcast on Facebook, and check out that second generation flat earth tea if you haven't done so already. And if you're in Orlando, Florida, you know, I'm going to beat the improv next week. Speaking of speaking of all bunch of sharks, shit, I'm being in Florida, not the Orlando's on the beach. I do know enough about geography to know that we're not on the fucking beach there. But comes a high that includes you BDMs for sure, looking forward to a big week of podcast in that week.

And to be back on a mediocre time with Tom and Dan. Love those guys, love that show. I'm gonna also be on the Gallo's Schumer podcast with Ray Britto. What a great name for a podcast. I'll be on the Burn Down podcast with Jason Presnell, AKA J Flow, another great podcast title. Also gonna be on Living Pod Curiously,

a podcast for the creators of the Fantastic podcast. I was previously a guest on the Twisted 10, hosted by Adam, touch, Jay, Andrea Joy. And I'll also be in Fort Worth, Texas at hyena's comedy club, June 22nd through 24th. Love that club. Another fun one. So come on out. And this Friday, the JFK bonus episode, fuck, yes. Going way down the conspiracy rabbit hole. And I may end up as a true conspiracy net when I come out the other side. CIA man, CIA. Did they conspire with US military leaders to have JFK killed because he was going to pull out a Vietnam. He was going to fuck up the whole military industrial complex money they were going to make because he was going soft and

their eyes on communism. Maybe because he had some crazy notion to give peace of chance and actually deescalate our nuclear weapons program Could one of our presidents have actually been murdered and brought daylight by members of our own government? We're gonna take a hard look at JFK's death doing a lot of research for that one and also with the fast-any-life This war hero and inrigible womanizer let. And with that, have a great weekend, enjoy the water, be brave, make sure a couple of kids are swimming a little farther out than you so you're safe,

and you keep on sucking. Oh!