Toni and Ryan - Exclusive Audio from JLo's Wedding
Episode Date: August 23, 2022YOU WON'T BELIEEEEVE this exclusive!! Plus a HARROWING hair-based-tale from a TARPer. Love you!! Toni xxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! F...ind #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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This is Kim, who's in Mackay in Queensland.
Oh, my Kim.
Sorry.
Hello.
Hi, is that Kim?
Yes, it is.
Hey, it's Tony and Ryan.
Will you approve the podcast?
Yes, definitely.
Yay!
It doesn't come out right.
Oh, thanks, Kim.
Hey, it's Kim from Mackay in Queensland, and I approve this podcast.
Coming up shortly in Audio Queen,
you're about to hear some exclusive audio from Jennifer Lopez's and Ben Affleck's wedding.
How did you get that?
We've got an exclusive.
That's about four minutes away.
You're Nelson Aspen.
I am.
Yeah.
It's a very niche joke.
For people like Sunrise and Shelley.
He just quit.
Yeah, now he works for us.
He quit Sunrise to give us exclusive.
A highly lucrative job with Tony and Ryan.
So that's coming up in a few minutes.
But, Tony, you've come in, would you say flapped, flustered?
How would you describe your morning?
Well, I'm mixed, actually.
On my way here this morning, I got on the Neuron scooter,
like the paid e-scooter, rented it out, put my helmet on.
And it was early, it was fucking cold, and I was like,
no, I kind of just like feeling a bit off this morning.
And as I was pulling up to park my scooter,
I saw a $2 coin on the ground.
Like, you know that like find a penny, pick it up,
and all the day you'll have good luck?
Yeah.
Did you make a wish?
Is that what you're supposed to do?
I think you're just supposed to like pick it up,
and I always find them extra lucky if the queen side is up
because my mum's name is Elizabeth
and it says like Elizabeth on it because it's Queen Elizabeth obviously.
And it was Elizabeth side up.
The highest coin in Australia.
I know.
What else is there?
Yeah, and as I was walking over to pick it up, I stepped in dog shit.
So when you say mixed.
Yeah.
So you had to get your shoes cleaned and it cost $2.50.
Well, technically maybe the luck hadn't started yet
because I hadn't picked it up.
Right.
So it was as I was stepping over to get the coin,
I picked it up and I was like, fuck yeah.
And then I was like, fuck off.
Would you rather have no coin and no shit?
But maybe the luck from the coin is going to pay dividends for the shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know.
What about when a bird shits on you, everyone's like, oh, it's good luck.
Is it good luck?
The day of my sister's wedding, I was a bridesmaid and I got shat on.
In like my bridesmaid's dress and everything.
That or like an old wife's like, oh, it must be good luck.
But is that one of those things that people just say to like make you feel better?
It's like if it's raining on your wedding day, that's it must be good luck. But is that one of those things that people just say to like make you feel better? It's like if it's raining on your wedding day, that's supposed to be good luck.
I don't know if that sounds like the Alana Smaricet song, but that's supposed to be good
luck.
Because it's like new beginnings.
I'm like, no, I think it's just to like make a bride shut up.
But if you're, yeah, babe, it's good luck.
And they're like, oh, thank God.
Yeah.
Oh, it doesn't matter that the wedding's fucking ruined.
Stop ruining your own wedding. Shut up about the weather. Just tell her a lie and say it, thank God. Yeah. Oh, it doesn't matter that the wedding's fucking ruined. Stop ruining your own wedding.
Shut up about the weather.
Just tell her a lie and say it's a good luck.
Yeah.
But no one steps in dog shit and someone goes, oh, good luck for you.
Yeah.
Well, they did to me today because I got the coin after.
The guys are looking down.
Yeah.
What are you going to do with your $2?
Travel.
See the world.
Dude, I don't know if you've seen the latest inflation figures,
but a $2 coin ain't what it used to be.
No, it'll be the extra that I need for what I saved,
so my savings plus the $2.
Tony, your profession before This Is Our Job Now was an audio queen.
You've got that.
You're a professional audio queen.
Thank you.
Don't question my ability to talk.
Sorry.
This is also my profession.
Sorry, apparently.
And I won't have it being questioned.
Yeah.
Are I still technically an audio queen because I still have to cut this podcast?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Although, is it fair to say you're not cutting that much?
I mean, if this is the stuff you're hearing, imagine what didn't make the cut.
Imagine what got left behind.
But Tony, a sound engineer by trade.
And the best thing about it is we get to go behind the scenes and get this great audio.
So story one, the Finnish Prime Minister,
Sanne Marin, have you seen this story?
Oh, I saw it pop up, but I haven't watched the video.
So she's at a party, dancing, living her best life.
All of her friends are cooked.
She's the Prime Minister of Finland.
There was another story about her six months ago
where there was a COVID outbreak in Parliament
and they all got alerted and she was out at 4am in a nightclub.
Yes, I remember that one.
And I thought, is that the same person?
And it is.
So she's a year older than me.
And A, I can't fathom someone our age being the prime minister.
And second, I can't fathom someone my age clubbing till 4am.
I mean, that's old, Ryan.
There's no way I can do that now.
That's a really good point.
There's no way I'm doing that.
It's almost more shocking than the Prime Minister fact.
Yeah.
So here's some audio from the night out.
Now, she's in a Finnish nightclub and there's a Finnish DJ
who's like spinning the chair.
And you know those like nightclub DJs giving a bit of,
you're right, let's get it.
Oh, you heard it here first.
So it's a female DJ with a Finnish accent revving up the crowd
and then notices the prime minister's there and wants to give her a big
shout out on the mic.
Okay.
Finnish.
Oh, yeah.
Is that kind of Finnish?
Do you think?
It's a bit German.
Okay.
Let's go with it.
Oh, you're ready to party, yeah?
You're going to love this next track.
Oh, shout out to the Prime Minister.
Can I get a what, what, what, what? Oh, this next one is schnish, no schnappy by that little girl.
She was German as well.
Yeah.
Wow.
How was that?
Yeah.
Okay.
I know we've got a lot of listeners in Finland, Sweden,
Netherlands, that kind of corner.
Yeah.
Sorry, I know we had.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Leave your critiques.
I mean, they might all be in one country, actually, because it sounds to me like their
accents all combined into one.
Belle Isle Park is a water park in Michigan, and they've said they've had to temporarily
close the giant slide due to speed issues.
Now, Tony, I've just sent you the link.
Do you want to just have a quick look and watch the kids going down the slide?
Yep.
Because after you've seen that, you're going to let us know what it would sound like to
hear someone go down the slide.
But do you want to describe what you're seeing?
Okay.
So it's one of those long, slippery dips where the people are like on a mat.
Holy shit!
Oh my God.
So the people are going down like on a mat and the mat is like fully coming out from under them.
Because down every, like, what would you say, like wave?
Every hump or something?
Every hump, yeah.
They're getting airborne.
Whoa.
Holy shit.
I'll put the video in the episode thread, but this is what it would sound like to hear some children from Michigan going down the slide.
Fuck, the accent is just what fucks me every time.
All right, they're American.
And it's also the sound, not just the voice.
Are you guys ready to go down the slide?
Is that right?
Yeah.
Yeah, you guys ready to go down the slide?
All right, everybody on your mat.
Three, two, one.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Mom.
Mom, were you watching?
Mom.
I think I'm broken my coccyx.
John's head's bleeding!
Actually, looking at the video, I think that's pretty much what it would have sounded like.
They turned Australian.
That's how high they went in the air.
They will knock your US accent out of your arsehole when you land on this slide.
Shit, that video's full on though, eh?
I can't believe how much speed they get up.
Yeah, and just fly and land on your arsehole.
But can you imagine what scares me about that is that people are like lining up for those kinds of rides for ages.
So they've watched every other kid eat shit on the ride.
Who are we next?
Yeah, and they still went on it.
Maybe I'm too old to.
No, that's.
That's fucking freaky.
So I'm not a scary ride guy.
I am.
I fucking love them.
But I love a water slide and a water park.
How good's a water park?
Yeah.
Underrated, I feel.
Very underrated.
We should go to Wet n' Wild.
Yeah.
And also when we go to the.
Yeah.
But when we go to the US. Six Flags.
Is Six Flags, is that a water one or is that
a rollercoaster one? I don't know. It's definitely
a rollercoaster, but it might have water as well. Oh my god,
you know, the other day Torbs goes
they're opening
Five Guys in Australia.
The burgers. Well, yeah,
but I thought it was Six
Flags.
So he goes, they're opening Five Guys in Australia.
And I was like, oh, the theme park.
And he was like, what?
It's not five and six and it's not guys, it's flags.
But I mean, tomato, tomato.
Story three from the audio queen.
J-Lo and Ben Affleck have gotten married.
Well done, guys.
Congratulations.
Did you just say Ben Affleck?
What's his name? Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck have gotten married. Well done, guys. Congratulations. Did you just say Ben Affleck? What's his name?
Ben Affleck.
Ben Affleck.
Ben Affleck.
We're saying it the same.
No, you're saying T on the end.
Ben Affleck.
Ben Affleck.
Ben Affleck.
It finishes with a K.
Yeah, that's why I finished with a K.
Ben Affleck.
That's right.
Yeah, Ben Affleck.
All right, so.
Stop saying T on the end. I. Stop saying T on the end.
I'm not saying T on the end.
You're saying it like reflect, but it's like reflect.
Reflect on what I'm saying about Ben Affleck.
Oh, I can hear it now that I've said that.
Oh, that's fucking ruined it for me.
Let's go home.
Here's some audio.
Thanks to Nelson Aspin from Sunrise.
Oh, good on him.
From the wedding.
It's actually, this is J-Lo singing.
Oh, perfect.
Yeah, she sung at her own wedding.
Oh, my God.
I would too.
Because I'm a famous singer.
Yeah, of course.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tona Roddy to perform.
To the tune of Jenny from the Block, this is actually Jenny with a rock.
Okay.
And you might have to edit the first line.
And do you want me to just get it started for you?
If you want to.
Well, because the first line, what's the first line?
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got.
Yes, but now you are fooled.
So if you want to change it to check out this cock that I got, that's also fine.
So are you the audio queen or am I?
I'm just giving you the heads up.
Okay.
But the song is called Jenny with a rock. Jennyny with a rock and so what's the first line
again sorry check out this cock that i got won't you check this cock that i got now i'm jenny jenny
with a rock i've always been with ben afflock and now i know that i've got the rock. He is really hot. And now I'm so happy that I've got his big cock.
Now I've got the rock and we've got a cock and a rock now.
Wow, Nelson Aspen.
Thank you so much.
I can't believe you got that exclusive audio.
Also, the fact that you had a go at me for mispronouncing Affleck
and then you got Affleck to rhyme with rock is some of the best skills I've ever seen.
Ben Afflock?
Fucking get me sheep because I've got a Ben Afflock.
The audio queen strikes again.
Hey, it's Kim from Macquarie, Queensland, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.
Yeah. Queensland and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. I would just like to say a big thank you and a little shout out to a few of our champion
tapas for our Patreon.
They're buying our exclusive content over there.
I was about to say on our Patreon again, and that was going to be really embarrassing.
You're one groovy baby.
Baby.
Allow myself to introduce myself.
Magenta Mudway, thank you so much.
Tim Rolszewski.
Chris Carter, thank you.
Caleb Manicelli.
Wow, what a great name.
It might be Manicelli. Wow, what a great name. It might be Manicelli actually.
Maddie Wheeler.
Maitland Betts.
Taryn Andrews.
What a great name.
It's not what it is.
Well, no, but I don't know if it's Manicelli or Manicelli,
like an Italian kind of name.
Taryn Andrews, thank you.
Nicholas Ebeling.
Caitlin Nichols.
And a special shout-out for Amber from Her Best Bud Dan.
Sending you lots of love, Amber.
Love that for you.
Tomorrow on the show, some people do something when messaging their friends,
which actually shows they're a bad person.
And they might not know that what they're doing makes them a bad person.
Is this about how you message those people with no emojis and it was really rude
and now you're not going to get that house?
It was a bit like that.
It's not.
But I do think you are right in questioning whether I'm the guy to be telling you how
or how not to message people.
I'm often right.
If today is your first episode, on Monday, I texted a real estate, not even real estate,
and the person that owns a house, I DMed them on Instagram,
trying to be funny.
Yeah, it wasn't.
And Tony believes I've cost myself my dream house.
Listen to the episode on Monday and you'll agree with me.
Fuck.
Everybody in the episode is ready to agree with me as well.
They're not wrong.
And your wife Bridget, I talked to her about it as well.
She agreed.
So when she came home because she listened to the podcast,
she goes, oh, did you not put emojis in?
She was shocked.
She was shooketh.
Anyway.
Sorry, Bridge.
I cost us our dream house.
Mate, there's more houses.
More houses in the sea.
Not more of this.
Not with that butler's pantry there, is there?
No.
Well, butler's pantry.
Yeah.
Must be nice.
It is.
It is really fucking nice.
But I'll never know now because I'll never set foot in it because it's not my house.
As you can see, I've...
Let it go.
I've accepted it.
What are we doing?
Oh my God.
You're telling the story.
Anyway, tomorrow on the show, are you a bad texter?
Fuck.
You're right.
I'm not the person to tell this story.
Wow.
You're flapped now.
I am flapped.
Yeah.
I've lost my dream house.
Well, this will make you feel better.
A terrible, horrible story.
Please.
Please.
So earlier in the podcast, not this episode, in the actual podcast,
we used to talk about like bad first dates a lot.
We got a few fucking corker listener stories.
And you might remember you'd shared a story from somebody who,
when they were on holiday, I think they were in Hawaii or something,
they like met up with this dude and they hooked up.
They spent the night together.
And then the next day she woke up and tried to put her hair in a ponytail
and realised a massive chunk of her hair had been cut out.
And he was like.
Because he was like, oh, can I cut your hair?
And she was like, no, that's really weird, dude.
She said no and then she woke up and realised he did it anyway
while she was sleeping. So pretty fun. I mean, who's forgetting that story? weird, dude. She said no and then she woke up and realised he did it anyway while she was sleeping.
So pretty fun.
I mean, who's forgetting that story?
Yeah, not her.
That is the most horrible.
I'm pretty sure I cried when you told that story.
It was, like, really horrible.
We got a message from Emma, fake name, and said,
when I heard that story, it reminded me of my own hair-based tail.
Is this a whole episode?
Hair-based tail.
A hair-based tail. Is this a whole episode? Hair-based tail. A hair-based tail.
So this is from Emma.
It was my first semester in college and I have really long curly hair.
Beautiful.
Love.
And I'm imagining, I haven't seen a picture of Emma,
but that it's big and dark brown and like curly and long and thick
and, you know, just that perfect curly hair.
Can we also do a separate episode where people just share stories
where the first sentence is, it was my first semester at college.
Oh, yep.
Because I'm already fucking revved up.
I was a bit innocent and too trusting of new people
because Emma's quite young.
Where is this going?
I was in a group club that would go to events together.
So at college, I guess they all kind of, oh, well, you went to college.
So Emma's saying that they would all team up and kind of go and volunteer
at a homeless shelter or they would go and play a sport
or do an activity or whatever.
A lot of group organized stuff, yeah, which is, it's really,
especially when you move to college, you don't know anyone.
Yeah, and because you're all living together, right?
Yeah, yep. Like on campus or whatever. Yeah, so because you're all living together, right? Yeah, yep.
Like on campus or whatever.
Yeah, so she's doing this.
She's meeting the clubs.
She's going to people.
Yeah, networking.
Networking, yeah.
They teamed up and went to volunteer at a homeless shelter
with all these people.
Everything was going really good.
She's making friends, talking to all these people.
But this one guy in particular seemed a bit more interested
in talking to Emma, fake name, than everyone else.
I think we get the fake name.
I just thought that was funny.
Okay, keep adding it in.
Okay, I won't then.
Then Emma, then anyone else.
What was her real name?
Is that her real name?
Sorry.
Emma was single at the time and he was giving nerdy hipster,
lumberjack vibes, glasses, facial hair, wearing a flannel, you know.
So he's a bit of all right.
She's into this guy.
So she didn't mind having the attention directed towards her.
So I didn't mind having this attention directed towards me, Emma says.
That was a big fucking mistake.
After we finished volunteering, I went to hang out with one of the girls from another group.
We all lived on campus in the college dorm.
Yep.
Cool.
Classic.
And it turns out that this handsome lumberjack nerdy guy lived on the same floor as the friend who she was going to visit.
Oh, my God.
While the friend was unlocking the door, the same guy came over and asked me if he could touch my hair.
Just no, hey, how are you doing?
No, just said like, hey, can I touch your hair?
It's great to meet you today.
No.
Can I touch your hair?
Hey, Tony, can I touch your hair?
See, less weird because we've been having a conversation.
Yeah.
Yep.
And it's in context.
And I feel like if you were going to say that to someone,
surely you'd be like, oh, my God, your hair is so shiny.
Or like, oh, what conditioner do you?
I don't know.
I feel like there's a way to break the ice of that.
Ask if you could touch Emma's hair.
I said, sure.
Because I have curly hair, most people ask the same question,
even though it's like a weird thing to ask people like,
oh, my God, your hair's curly.
Can I touch it?
But if someone's got beautiful, long, curly hair,
it must come up in conversation enough for her to not think it's weird
at the time.
Yeah, or that it's like kind of rude but she's like,
I get it all the time.
I had my hair in a fishtail braid to the side,
so she's got like this long braid, and this guy is touching it
and starts kind of stroking her hair.
So she's got this long braid and he just is like stroking her hair.
And is this just in the dorm?
No, it's in the hallway.
They haven't even gone inside the house yet.
Yep.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm getting uncomfortable.
I thought that's odd.
Yeah.
Fair call, Emma.
I'm fake, man.
So I look toward the girl who I was there to hang out with
to try and be like, okay, help me now.
I've had enough of this person touching my hair.
And we'd also glance across to be like, this is weird, right?
Yeah, because imagine the friend looking over and being like,
what the fuck is going on?
Yeah.
I look towards the girl who I was there to hang out with
to see if she was seeing the weird shit going on,
but she'd stopped to talk to somebody.
Oh no.
So the friend like can't even get her out of this bind because she's fucking off tuning
some other dude who's probably not, you know, stroking her hair, pubic hair.
Anyway, I thought this can't get any worse and I need to get out of this situation.
But boy, was I wrong.
I look back at the guy and he's still stroking my hair
but begins to purr.
So this guy that she's met once is going purr, purr
and stroking Emma's hair like a tail.
Even if your friend is tuning some other bloke,
wouldn't you just be like, hey, Louise, how are you?
I'd pull the fire alarm.
That's what I would do.
I just think that there is no action too large in this situation.
Make a heart attack.
Like there's got to be, shit yourself.
Do anything.
You know, you just have to do something to get yourself out of that situation.
I've never thought of shitting myself to get out of a situation.
You just do it anyway.
Yeah, but I feel like I could on demand at any moment.
Oh, yeah, you definitely could.
Someone's purring, what should I do?
Oh, God, this is so embarrassing.
He's purring, I'm pooing.
That's what I say.
That's my life motto.
You purr, I poo, bud.
Yeah, so fucking keep it in your mouth, all right?
Keep purring, see what happens.
The guy's still stroking my hair, purring,
and then starts kind of like picking up the end of the hair and he's got this look in his eye like he's hungry.
No.
He kind of looks at the hair and he's like fucking like licking his lips
and he's still purring away.
No, that's not true.
That's it.
Emma, no, fake name.
Emma, fake name.
I know.
He looks up.
No.
And says with a little laugh, can I put your hair in my mouth?
No.
The answer is no.
And what did she say?
What can you say to that?
I thought he was joking.
You would because no.
Because that's fucking weird.
Yeah.
I thought he was joking.
So I awkwardly laughed and said, sure, whatever.
Stop.
I know.
I mean, we're not in the weird situation,
but I feel like she said yes a few times when she could have said no.
But also I feel like when you're in that situation, she's probably.
What else are you going to say?
She's in America.
She's terrified.
She probably thought she was going to be fucking murdered.
Yeah.
He looks like a lumberjack.
He's probably got a fucking hatchet next to his bed.
Like she's probably worried.
Knife in his pocket.
So she goes, um, sure.
Because who would say that to someone that you just met?
Well, I'll tell you.
The guy standing right in front of you.
Yeah, we've got evidence.
Yeah.
Turns out that exhibit A is this.
Yeah, who would do that?
Sorry.
I'm just so shocked by the story.
Okay.
Anyway.
The guy did not hesitate.
Picks up the braid,
folds it in half and sticks it in his mouth.
Like deep throats it.
Yep.
Gets the whole thing in his mouth.
Like a foot long from Subway.
In the mouth.
Jesus Christ.
He bit down on my braid.
Is he still purring?
And moaned.
Hang on, what would that sound like, Tony?
So I'm going to do my best impression.
So Emma says, he bit down on my braid and moaned a little bit
while his eyes were rolling into the back of his head.
So what I imagine is, which is fucking weird.
And you think about where hair is.
It's on your head.
It's on your head.
It was in a side braid.
So he would have been quite close to her face. Yeah.
After a couple of seconds.
I thought you were going to say after a couple of minutes.
I was like, are you fucking joking me?
So I'm guessing this was, what, five seconds, ten seconds,
which would have felt like an eternity.
Yeah.
Is the friend and some bloke still just standing there?
They're obviously fingering each other in the hallway.
Because they're so, like surely you would notice if someone's deep
throating a braid.
But I guess like this could have all happened in a matter of like 30
or 40 seconds.
I'm so uncomfortable.
After a few, I know, it's just weird, right?
After a couple of seconds, he took my braid out of his mouth,
said, oh, thank you, and walked off.
And just walked off.
I was flabbergasted because this all happened in the middle of a hall
with random people walking by.
And anybody seeing it would just be like, that's fucking weird.
But it's made even weirder knowing that they had only met each other
that afternoon.
Yeah.
Even I don't think as each other that afternoon. Yeah.
Even, I don't think as much as, yeah, you're right.
It is weirder that they just met.
But then I'm trying to rack my brain like, if you knew them for five years,
it's still fucking weird. No, totally.
If you put my hair in your mouth, I'd be like, hey, bro, nah.
Hey, Ryan, wouldn't, no, would not have thought so.
No, thank you.
I'd probably talk to your wife about it and be like, is this normal? And rightly so. I'd call your mum and be like, hey, man, do you just double check? Hey, what, wouldn't, no, wouldn't I have thought so? No, thank you. I'd probably talk to your wife about it and be like, is this normal?
And rightly so.
I'd call your mum and be like, hey, man, do you just double checking?
Hey, what's going on?
Did you feed this guy with hair?
So Emma said, we never talked again.
Every time we saw each other, I ditched and walked the other way.
Of course.
You know, I've never worn my hair in a side braid again.
And the worst thing about it was I didn't even get a date
before the kinks came out.
Yeah, don't wait.
Don't wait till the third sleepover before you go,
hey, do you mind if we try something?
Yeah.
But, I mean, would you rather know straight up?
Right away.
Don't waste three dates.
Yeah.
But she didn't even get a free dinner or a free drink out of it
or anything.
But isn't, I honestly, I read that story and I just thought,
what a fucking creepy thing to do.
Does anyone else listening now just feel strange?
I feel uncomfortable.
I'm tingling.
Yeah.
It's like really not nice to think about what people go through
while they're trying to date or tune people.
I would rather ruin five new home potential houses in the DMs
with awful messages than hear half of that story.
I just, it's the visual of him purring and touching the hair.
It's just, it's so unsettling.
I'm going to go out on a limb here.
Okay.
I reckon purring is never not weird.
Any purr in any situation.
I'll give you that.
You know them for five years, they're into stuff.
Don't purr.
Don't purr.
Ask me first.
Yeah.
Ask me first.
But I don't want to hear a purr.
Yeah, okay.
Like a moan in the right time, at the right time.
Okay.
It's not when you're like, you know, like, yeah, but like never per.
But what if, the thing is, is that.
Nope.
Okay.
All right.
No, go on.
I just feel like if that's what you're into, then that's fine.
But I just think that it's something that would come up like while you were dating somebody.
Like, you know, and by dating, I mean like in the getting to know you phase,
be like this is kind of what I'm into.
Like is that okay with you?
Are you into it as well or are you comfortable if I do this?
I just think that purring and moaning while someone's hair is in your mouth
that you just met.
In a college dorm hallway.
Yep.
Like just everything adds up to zero for me on this and I just hate it so much.
And when I read it, I just thought, no.
No.
No.
Emma, fake name, we're here for you and your nice curly hair
from a distance.
Yes.
Yeah, we won't put your hair in our mouth.
Yeah.
I think actually that's probably a promise I can make.
Yeah.
If anyone ever meets me in person, I will not put your hair in my mouth.
And I will not purr at you.
And that's a promise.
So if you ever hang out with Tony and I, hair is safe.
Yep.
Being purred at, also safe.
Yep.
We can make that commitment.
Yep, yep.
I think that's fair.
Okay.
Yep.
A commitment to everybody listening.
There's our commitment for today.
Things you love to see.
I'm going to have to change my love to see
because I need to pick me up
after a fucking minute.
That was harrowing.
Oh, this will bring us back.
You know what I love to see?
What?
Creamy soda.
Creamy soda?
It's fucking delicious.
Like red creaming soda?
Do you mean?
No, it's regular.
It's like a brown.
Oh.
Like traditional creaming soda.
Oh, I've only ever had
like red creaming soda, like the Kirk's one.
Oh.
I don't think it's red.
It's like a dark brown.
No, that's fine.
I don't think I've had that.
Because I had a Kirk's creaming soda, but it wasn't the red.
I do know the red one.
Yeah, that's the only one I've ever had, I think.
The traditional creamy soda.
Oh, I don't think I've had that.
Is that sarsaparilla?
No, that's sarsaparilla.
Oh, okay.
So the other night I was at this pizza
place
getting some takeaway and they're like, oh.
What one? It was called
Golden. It was on Ligon Street in
Brunswick East. Oh, who are we having pizza
with? My wife and
Rach and Andy and their baby poppy.
And so it's one of those
like you get two pizzas and you get a couple of cans of drink.
You know, we got the deal. Save a bit of cash when you package it up, you know. And so they're like, oh, and so if you get the those, like, you get two pizzas and you get a couple of cans of drink. You know, we got the deal.
Because save a bit of cash when you package it up, you know.
And so they're like, oh, and so if you get the thing,
oh, you get a few drinks.
And we're like, great.
And there's like, you know, the Sprite, the Cola, the lemon, whatever.
And then Andy's like, should we get a creamy soda?
And I was like, oh, yes.
I haven't had one of those for 15 years.
I would always classify it as a dessert soda. Yes, because it's very sweet. Yep. I haven't had one of those for 15 years. I would almost classify it as a dessert soda.
Yes, because it's very sweet.
Yeah.
But it's just, oh, it's creamy.
That's the creamy soda and it tastes creamy.
And so we had pizza, we had a few beers and at the end I was like,
I think I'm like, I don't need another beer.
I'm going to have a creamy soda.
I'll buy one.
Is it like a spider?
I like when you have a spider, like it's like Coke with like ice cream in it?
No, because it's not actually creamy.
It's like a flavour, like it tastes
creamy. Oh, so it's a vanilla
Coke.
It's creamy soda.
I'm sorry, I don't get it.
I love that for you though. Love that you enjoyed it.
Let me buy you a creamy soda.
Just so you can taste it. That's fine.
But I can't expect, it's a flavour, it's not like a.
Oh, it's a sensation.
It's an experience.
It's, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, well, put your hair in your mouth, I can't wait.
It'll make you purr.
Sass-prrrr-rilla.
My love to see it is this internet meme that I saw,
and I thought it was a fantastic idea,
that every McDonald's should have a flag that flies at half mast
when the ice cream machine is broken.
Yes.
It's not just a great idea.
What a simple solution to our woes.
A community service announcement.
Thank you.
Yes.
I don't think it's a nice idea.
I think it's a no, we demand this.
We deserve it.
So you're driving up and you go, oh, no, I will go to the next one.
Yeah.
Or, okay, I can bind my emotions here out the front because I know that I'm not going to.
I can prepare myself.
And I can order something else.
Or I can go, cool, I'll just get an apple pie instead of a sundae.
If I'm driving past the Alpha McDonald's and I see it at Half Mast, I'm driving to your Lambie Macca's.
It's only another four minutes.
There's always another Macca's. Yep. And then how's their flag? Also Half Mast? Yeah. I'm driving to your Lambie Maccas. It's only another four minutes. There's always another Maccas.
Yep.
And then how's their flag?
Also half mast?
Yeah.
I'm going to Greensboro.
Yeah.
But that's fine.
At least I don't have to get out of the car.
Yes.
You don't have to get out of the car.
You don't have to go, oh, I'm three seconds away from a 50 cent cone.
Can I yes and this idea?
Yep.
As well as half mast, there needs to be an app,
which I'm sure someone's already thought of.
So before I even leave the house, I can just do a quick scan of the air and go, who's got
the ice cream machine working?
Well, they do already have the My Maccas app.
Include that feature.
So surely it could be a thing where you go, yep, that one's, yep, ice cream's on, FPOS
is on, great.
Remember that time McCafe said, hey, we want to sponsor Tony and Ryan.
Yep.
Can you send us a segment idea?
So we did, and they never messaged us back.
They never got back to us.
We got ghosted by McDonald's.
Maybe we shouldn't have included this idea in it.
You know how your ice cream machines are fucking shit?
Yeah.
Well, I reckon we'll do a segment.
You know how all your shit's fucking always broken?
Well, our fucking segment idea is called
Fix Your Fucking Shit.
And, you know, genuine surprise.
Yeah.
They didn't get back.
I didn't love to see that they never got back to us.
All right. We'll chat to you tomorrow,
and you can find out if you're a good or a bad at messaging friends.
And a good or a bad at talking on a podcast.
Sorry, I'm just all fucking worked up about the hair.
The MeowcDonalds.
The MeowcDonalds and the hair, and lots and the hair and lots happened today and I'm sorry.
I stepped in shit.
Fuck me up.
Love you, bye.
Oh, we're still rolling?
Okay, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm leaving that in for sure.
Now this is the end.
Now. No, you hang up, man. No, I'm leaving that in for sure. Now this is the end. Now.
No, you hang up, man.
No, you hang up.
You hang up.
Come over here.
I'll put that hair in the back of my throat.
We definitely cut before then, right?
Nah.
Now.
Meow.
Love you, bye.