Toni and Ryan - Spit Roast Toni

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

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literally every cent. Yep, head to oxio.ca, so O-X-I-O.CA, and use the code TARP, T-A-R-P, and get one month free. Hello, welcome to the podcast. My name is Toni, this is Ryan, and we never start an episode of our podcast without a TARP or approval. Yep, so we're gonna call Darcy, who is a TAPA. That's Tony and Ryan podcast,

by the way. Darcy is in Ontario and it's her birthday today. So when she answers, we've got to get all excited for her. Okay. Bonjour, Australia. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. I wish that I knew what happy birthday. Happy birthday. It's okay. I don't really speak French. It's all good. Well, Tony does. So yeah, you're a liar.

Darcy is Tony's a real deal. How dare you offend the good French language. Darcy, on your birthday, will you approve today's podcast? It would be myickening how well we know each other, right? Yeah. Sometimes I'm like, ah! Yeah. Because sometimes when like, if I'm talking to Torbz or whatever and I'll be like, oh, well surely you would have then been like blah, blah, blah. And he's like, that's exactly what I said.

Or that's exactly what I thought. And I'm like, oh my God, we know each other. Do I now look like a sumo wrestler? Is this bun too tight? Yeah. Okay. Let me read to it. Welcome to the show.

We are recording. It's like hell tight on the top of my head. Do I look a bit crazy? It's too high. No, it's good. I love it high. I love a high, what do you call them? High bun. I love a high bun. I'm sorry. I'm trying to look at myself at the thing.

Is it too high? No, I love it. Is it not the height? It's the tightness here? Like if maybe if it was more. Nah. I love it. Do I look like, is the hair okay? But are we happy with it?

I think we're all happy with the hair. Yeah. We'll put a photo in the episode thread. And so people can know. Screenshot this. Yeah. Yep. You look good. I'll do it. These are top confessions.

Welcome to a Tuesday. Oh, we're talking about break dancing. No. Oh no, the story was on its head. And that's why I said break dancing. We are doing about break dancing. No. Oh no, the story was on its head. And that's why I said break dancing. We are doing top confessions. Tonyandryan.com.au is where you can anonymously submit them. Sorry, I can't stop thinking about my hair.

Do we need to turn your monitor off so you can't see your own hair? No, that's okay. I can feel it. One bath, one bad decision and endless embarrassment. Oh, we've heard different versions of this story before. You're thinking about your hair. No, Charles just changed your screen. My screen to have you

on it. So I can just see three of you. There's three of me. Sorry. Or as Tony would call it, the dream afternoon. Yeah. Three Ryan's and one Tony. Or as Tony would call it, the dream afternoon. Yeah. Three Ryan's and one Tony. I mean, God, imagine what we could get done. Pick an orifice.

Business-wise. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Anal as well. Well, one of us could be fucking and then the other two could be doing work. If you could clone yourself, would you? Yes. Same.

Who wouldn't? I think lots of people would think that's a bit Freaky Friday, but I would love it. Yeah. Imagine how much you could get done. How much? How would you split them up? So I'd have one. Oh, see, this is tough because like, is it? You have four to look at each other and no, you wouldn't like it because then there'd be someone else funny in the room. But, OK. You'd get competitive with the other Tonys. Question.

In this reality where we can clone, is it a hive mind? Like one controls all the bodies? No, no. They all have their own independent thing. Yeah. If one of them goes to the gym, do they all get buff? Like is it like copy and paste? So like one of them would just be jacked and we'd all get jacked because of it? Yeah, is that how it works? I don't think so. Okay, so if that's how it works though, one would be at the gym, or like surfing all day or something. And then one would also be learning the piano. Yes.

Because I think that's a full-time job, this late in life. Yeah. One would be doing Duolingo. That was not even joking, one of them. And then I think the other one would be here with you. Yeah. Okay. And the other one obviously would get eaten out.

I was just about to say, sounds like Torbz isn't getting any. Yeah, no, he can have the pussy one. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they've all got them. So true. What would yours be doing? They'd be with each of my clones.

Yeah. Surfing, learning the piano. One would be surfing with Tony. One would be learning the piano with Tony. And one of them would be with Torbz railing the pussy one. Oh, what's that thing called? Like, um, Eiffel Tower?

Yeah. Yeah. And you guys high five at the top. And I'm in the middle like a little pig. A little piggy on the spit. That's why they call it on the spit. Interesting. Cause you were being forked by both sides.

What did you think it meant this whole time? I just never thought about it. We always used to get a spit at Christmas, like so that my mum and dad didn't have to worry about cooking. And so we... Think about what we just spoke about. So mum and dad would always get the spit for Christmas and like the butcher would come and he would do it. So the butcher and my mum and dad would do the spit on Christmas Eve.

Yeah. And yeah, that was yummy. Moist, like always just cooked to perfection. And that's why your dad is always high fiving the butcher. Yeah, they get along well. Extra sausage. You know, like meat chat. I don't think it's good, though, cause then you don't,

you're not wasting oven space on the meat, which is what I found last year when I cooked for Christmas. I thought I could do without meat in the oven, cause how are you gonna do your potatoes, et cetera? You can't get that brown on the skull of potatoes on top if there's a turkey in there. You can't? What did you call me?

What did you call me? How dare you? But like actually, Yeah. Is that why people have two ovens? Yeah, or big ovens. Should I get another oven? Why don't you get a big, like a big smeg with- I put some stuff on the BBQA.

With Jule Door. Jule Door. Like you can have, and so you can have separate temperatures. I've seen those on AD, you know, those old like- This big fuck off one. Big fucking oven. Sophia Vergara, best oven on Architectural Ditas YouTube page. You could tell that she never used it.

She's never seen it before. She's like, my son cooks in here sometimes. I was like, I'm pretty sure it's like a $20,000 oven. Is it more than that? There would be a $100,000 oven in Sofia Vergara's house. And her son's like, I want to cook toast and cheese sandwiches. Can you buy this? And she's like, OK.

Oh, nice. Nice. Have you never heard something like that? Okay. Oh, I'm watching Modern Family at the moment. So Adam Ray does, he's been touring, he's a comedian, but he's been touring as Dr. Phil. Oh, I've seen, because he's been on Bad Friends. Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes. But there's this clip of him. Let's watch it. It's him. Later. No, watch it now. Oh, I've seen, because he's been on Bad Friends. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. But there's this clip of him. Let's watch it. It's him. Later. No, watch it now. Oh, okay. It's him as doing an impression of Dr. Phil.

Yep. Doing an impression of Jason Statham. So nothing to do with Sophia Vergara. No, but the sound of Google. Okay. Adam. Ray. Dr. Phil. Jason Statham. Jason Statham. I don't do impressions, but here's Jason Statham finding out that he parked his car in a handicapped spot at a target.

And now the manager is coming out and told him he's got to move. Here's Jason responding to that. I can also do. Okay, so I was about to be like, I don't know what Jason Salem sounds like. Neither does he. That was bang on. I don't know what he sounds like. Oh, well, that definitely hurts your ability to appreciate the joke. Yeah.

Wow. Wasn't that a good time? It was. Oh, yeah. Jason, you sound just like Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil doing an impression of Jason Statham who's both a disabled spot at a target car park and they managed to ask him to move. He has to move, yeah.

So that was the Australian one. You've got to have the British in there. That was Australian again. I don't really want to move my car. That was a very good one if you were the girl from Harry Potter. Yeah, I did sound like Harry Potter. But Jason Statham's like one of those like, I don't really want to move my car, mate.

Is that closer? I don't know what he sounds like. So I'm going blind. Yeah. I think those glasses, but yeah. Okay. These are so confessions. There's two girls in one bath. Is that what you said?

Nope. Someone's on the spit. Nope. Like you said all those, I didn't say any of those. Oh yes, my hair. Nope. My pubic hair. Cut that out.

Cut that in. Cut that out. Stop cutting things out. Oh, don't you tell me what to do on my vodka. Cut out all the things that, times that Tony said cut that out. Oh, cut't you tell me what to do on my podcast. Cut out all the things that times that Tony said, cut that out. Oh, cut that out. Do you know what's funny is the difference between like your mum being like, cut that out. Yeah. And us being like, cut that out.

Yeah, like obviously. Yeah. Hashtag cancelled, not me today please. The other day, Ryan goes, do you want me to crack it? And but I think it was like talking about something else. No, you had us all back and I was like, do you want me to crack it? And I, but I think it was like talking about something else. You had us all back and I was like, do you want me to crack it? Yeah. And then you said, wouldn't it be funny if I meant like crack the shit? I was, you were like, do you want me to crack it? I was like, yeah, you were.

Well, for fuck's sake. That was funny. That was really funny. We were in the car. We were on road trips, except for an end to put all the time. Yeah. And towards the end. Like towards the end of a road trip as well. Just like, you know what I mean? What was wrong with me at the end of the car trip?

Nothing. I was talking about Charles. No, what, honest, what was wrong with me? No, nothing. No, just when we realized we'd forgotten the name badges, we did, we did. There was a lot. There was a bit of a lull and that was just acknowledging that. But we've all spoken about it and Charles said, energy's a bit weird in here. And I said, you're right it is, let's fucking. Cause when you said end of the road trip,

I thought you meant that time when you took those wrong turns and it took ages to get home. That's just what I thought you meant. That's what I thought you meant. Have you just had your eyelashes done? Cause it seems like you're lashing out. I thought it was going to be when he stopped to pee Have you just had your eyelashes done? Cause it seems like you're lashing out. I thought it was going to be when he stopped to pee and then all the cars that.

That I had spent two hours. Yeah, Tony. Going around and overtaking. Tony spent a lot of time overtaking people then I need to pee and they all just drove straight past again. I've revved a lot, I've done, spent a lot of time in the right lane,

giving them hell and giving a lot of looks on the way through. And they say my bare ass on the side of the road. We've all just lashed out at each other pretty hard and I think it's fine. Hang on. Can we just all accept that we've got it all out and move on as a team? Oh, I'm literally so fine. I'm actually so fine.

That was all good. How long have we got? We've got for a while now. Let's go'm literally so far. I'm actually so fine. That was all good. How long are we going for? A while now. Let's let's go to the thing. Yeah, let's take a breather. I think we need to take a breather and maybe all hug and just have a little kumbaya. And then up next, these are top confessions. Well, I wonder if a bath will be involved.

Stay tuned. Hey, this is Darcy from Kitchener, Ontario in Canada, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. This episode is brought to you by Majuri and Majuri has the nicest fine jewelry. It's perfect for stacking and wearing every day and you can like play around with different styles, mix different colors and metals and stack different combos. So there's really something for everyone. And can I tell you a cute little personal

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And as much as we love ice cream, I'm currently talking about moisturiser. I'm talking about Aveeno Baby Healthy Start, which for young kids you can use from day one. You can use this Healthy Start balm to help moisturise, nourish and comfort the skin of babies. And when Mabel is older, I want you Tony to remind her who moisturised her every night. So when she's got beautiful skin you'd be like, yep, dad used to do that for you. Well, I was about to say you're doing a great job because she high-fived me yesterday when I came around for dinner and they were the softest hands I've ever felt. You're welcome Tony, you're welcome Mabel. Well, we love

a routine and we know how important good skin habits are to start early and with a Veno Baby Healthy Start it's easy to moisturise and support baby skin moisture barrier from day one. You can learn more at aveno.ca Alright, happy birthday. Do you know who Jason Statham is yet? No, I actually don't. Can you Google him? Yep. Could you, you'll know him as soon as you see him. Jason Statham.

He's very severe. What's he been in? Oh, someone. Oh, I've seen them Meg. He's in that. Transporter? No. Oh, Fast and Furious.

No. The original Lock, Stock and Two Smoke and Barrels. Oh, I have seen that. What do you mean the original? Did they remake that? I feel like that was the original British, like before Snatch and there's a bunch of similar ones. All of those Guy Ritchie films.

Yeah. Snatch. It was in both. There you go. No, do you know who's fucking hot that's in those movies? Vinnie Jones. Vinnie Jones. He can fucking... This is what Vinnie Jones would sound like if Dr. Phil was impersonating him by

Adam Ray at a target. See, I can get around this because I know what Vinnie Jones would sound like if Dr. Phil was impersonating him by Adam Ray See I can get around this because I know what Vinnie Jones sounds like In a disabled car park and the manager said you're gonna have to move your car and then he would say Do I look like I'm gonna move my fucking car? No, but because it's in the disabled spot. He'd probably be like, oh Shit mate, sorry, I didn't realize Yes Can I say something to you guys please Oh shit mate, sorry I didn't realize. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Can I say something to you guys? Please.

No, no, no, actually, I don't know if I'm ready. I'm gonna need, you can say it, but I am just gonna need a moment first to prepare myself. You guys, sorry. I just need everybody to take a breath. That wasn't Vini Jones. No, no, no. say it's not so. Where is he?

Bring him out. Bring him out. I was acting. Bullshit. Fuck off. Because acting, and I don't, you guys can't tell, acting is actually just pretending to be someone else. And so you're, where is Vinnie Jones then?

I don't know. But then I heard him, he must be in the room. I know that that's what it feels like and I'm sorry we don't do pranks but that was a bit of a tricky one for me because that was just my voice doing a bit like his voice. Acting. Fuck dude.

It's crazy what I am capable of as a woman. Honestly, I astound myself. Torbs and I discussed this at the Eiffel Tower. I just laughed so hard that I think that a little bit of poo came out. Okay, let's do this confession. Because I think I'm gonna get diarrhea. You know, you've said, you've said.

No, I said it to you, I didn't say it on the podcast, I think I'm gonna get diarrhea. Let's do this confession and then we can move on and you can do whatever you need to do. I think I have to go to the downstairs toilet. That's all I'll say. These are tough confessions. This girl I worked with talked about getting diarrhea.

Ah! I was staying in a fancy hotel. Nice. And I was in the very fancy bathtub, feeling very fancy and sexy. And I decided to put the fancy shampoo bottle inside me and I got stuck Well after some panicked attempts to retrieve it I realized I wasn't gonna get it out with some serious without some serious help I serious without some serious help. I put the fancy robe on and went down to the fancy lobby to ask for help. No, use the phone! Use the phone! That's what the phone's for!

The staff was super professional but clearly didn't believe me when I said it was an accident. Because it wasn't. They called the ambulance. The paramedics took me back up to my room where I lay on my back on the bed legs akimbo and they like were in there trying to remove it. I just laid there crying saying I swear it was an accident. Oh and you would be crying because you'd be in pain. Now it wasn't like a little mini bar shampoo. It was like the biggest shampoo bottle where they would like keep topping up the same bottle. Yeah. So, you know when someone's telling you a story

and you like picture it, but often you picture it from like, like an example of your own life. Is there something you need to share? Oh, no, no, no, sorry. So when she said, I'm in a fancy hotel room in a fancy bathtub, immediately I picture myself in the Sydney QT.

Yeah, because that's the fanciest hotel I've ever been in. And they've got a huge bath. Yeah, and you were in that bath. Is that where you had the burger? Yeah. And I was like, little dumpling, because it was all oily in the water, because I ate food in the bath. But the shampoo at the QT in Sydney is Kevin Murphy, and that's a very big square bottle.

And so all I'm- So the squareness is just that thrown, mate? Not me too. So when I'm thinking like, what could I shove into my pussy? Never have I personally, not to yack anyone's yum, but never have I personally gone, I'll go for something oblong.

I will get the Kevin Mitchell up there. Murphy who's Kevin Mitchell I think that that's an actor I'm thinking of Paul Mitchell no you're thinking of Kevin James the guy from Mall Cop I have never thought of getting the King and Queens of Queens Did you poo? Did you poo? I'm so sorry, I think I've just shit my pants. I'm so sorry. She's left. Lily has nearly shed herself at the shock of seeing Tony shit herself. For the record, I've Googled Paul Mitchell. They do do shampoo, but it is an around container. I know that was people's main concern.

I think that's what everyone was asking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. OK. How long do we give Tony? Um. I can hear like a thud on the ground. Do you reckon that was her foot or the poop falling out of the pants? I think it was the poop falling out of the pants.

I also did hear that fart. Hopefully into the toilet. Should I go in? No, just like as a friend and just be like, are you okay? Do you need a towel, for example? The toilet is flushing. That is a good sign. Yeah.

That was tough. It was very tough. If it had already come out, then maybe it was a courtesy flush. Had someone been in there before? Oh no, but just to, you know, start with a clean palette. Or like, you know, like when it comes out and like, you need a couple of guys that are I heard a door. Okay. Everyone just be cool. Everyone just be cool, including you listening to the podcast right now. I'm just pretending like nothing happened.

Hey, how are you doing today, sweetie? Just got in. Just starting. Now my shift at work. Yep. Everything all good? Yes. Do you want me to bring you up to date with what we were chatting about while you were gone?

Yep. That's Paul Mitchell shampoo. Oh, don't. Oh, no, she's gone again. Um, so there isn't any Vegemite on the roll, but the jar is full. You know what I'm saying? Don't! Don't! Sorry, I can't help but be always hilarious. We're going to have to be careful. Tread lightly, everyone.

I don't know why, but the word tread just feels weird in this circumstance. Mine was the choice of Vegemite. Yeah. It's close to peanut butter, if I'm very honest. Too much. I'm very honest. We don't want to. Too much. Too much. Okay, let me.

I'm hot too now. So it was the communal bottle, which makes me think if every time we're using- Do we know what brand it was? Oh, when you're in a hotel as a being, someone's pussy. Like every communal bottle of shampoo or face wash or hand cleaner or something I've ever used in a hotel is now flashing before my eyes. Luckily it's not that much because I'm very unhygienic. I just also think you would go for something else.

Like if I'm thinking about knowing my own body, it's just not what I'd go for. But I think it was unplanned because she's feeling hot and sexy in the fancy bath and then you're in there and you just look at what can I find? Would you just finger yourself though? You know what I mean? I think I, like analog. hot and sexy in the fancy bath and then you're in there and you just look at what can I find and you go. What do you just finger yourself though? You know what I mean? I think like analog. Now, do you remember yesterday how, because we've heard stories about people

getting stuck in there. Totally. Um, and let me tell you the paramedics. They've seen it all. They've seen it all and you don't have to go, it was an accident. They just, they, it's fine. But I remember yesterday how I was like, there's this, the final sentence is the real killer because we have heard similar stories.

The paramedic was her mum. No. Oh, sorry. Well, that would change it. That would make it different. Better or worse? Worse? That your- No, but like if you're in trouble- That your mum is taking the Kevin Murphy shampoo out of your pooswa. My mom put a tampon in for me though. My first ever tampon I was going to a pool party and she inserted it for me because I couldn't figure it out. But that's what

I think maybe like in your time of crisis don't you just want to call your mom and maybe not some stranger who rocks up as a professional. Don't pull that face at me I know what I'm saying. I'd love to. Do you know what? Right now while I'm discussing how full my Vegemite tub is I would love to just call my me. I know what I'm saying. I'd love to. Do you know what? Right now, while I'm discussing how full my Vegemite tub is, I would love to just call my mum. I'd love that. What the thing is, is that what would be worse than that? Because you're right. You do want your mummy in that time. Someone you've just matched with on Tinder. And you've started to talk a little bit. Yeah, they're within 500 meters because they're on the way to a job. Because zero zero zero they're on their way.

And they go, oh, I'm actually doing a job at your hotel and then I knock off. So afterwards, maybe I'll come up to your room and then it was her. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. How about I stop guessing and you just say. The hotel billed me for the shampoo bottle. It's listed as a damaged asset on my credit card statement to this day. Damaged asset?

Yeah. Yeah, right back at you. Yeah. Tell me about it. You and me both. Yeah. Do you reckon there was a pump on the top? That is what I was wondering. But that would be on the not going in end going in and sure you'd go the other way You'd back it up. But the bottom part is not be the part that has like the soap scum on it. What'd you call me?

The soaps come instead of soaps come but you know what I mean? Like that's the part that's like sitting in the little bit of water How many episodes have we done? Like 850 or something? 830, 840 around there? Is this the most fucked one yet? No, why? What happened? Not in a bad way, not in a bad way.

Oh yeah, cause I almost shit myself. Not in a bad way. And then... Let me do what you love to see it and bring us back. Okay. From some place to some other place. Yeah. Ashley Kay, who is a tarpa. Hi Ash

Just got my week's catalogs and it came with a hungry Jack's coupon page instantly thought Tony and Ryan would love it and And we do you're right Ashley K Well done, sweetheart. Oh, there's nothing better than that the smell of a fresh hungry Jack's coupon in your letterbox Not a euphemism not a euphemism pop that in there with a Oh, there's nothing better than that. The smell of a fresh Hungry Jacks coupon in your letterbox. Not a euphemism. Not a euphemism. Pop that in there with a shampoo. What do you like to see?

I've got a message here from Denise who sent this through on our Patreon. Tapa Denise. Hello, Tapa Denise. What about Tapa Denefu? I was supposed to go on vacation to the Dominican Republic. Do you hurt your ankle? No.

Nah, I'm a bit further. Denise. Is that on the leg or Denise? Did they hit your elbow or did Denise? How long do you want them socks? Oh, it's up to Denise. Oh, how deep's the water? Oh.

It's not too deep. Just goes up to Denise. Oh, you're at medical school. Where are you up to in learning the anatomy? Oh, we're up to Denise. Oh, Santa's coming. Are you Denorti or Denise? Did you fuck her? No, she just got down on Denise. We're not married, so I think you're awesome. Got a new segment called novel normal.

Tony just won't accept any compliment. She's really hard to de-please. You know that. When we went to Tasmania, we went over to Seas please you know that um we're going to Tasmania we went over to see you know um that that like herb that's how we go. That's how we go. That's how we go. Oh, have you read my night about Denise? That's just a knife. I'm so warm. Same. Like I'm honestly.

How are you feeling Charles? I'm so hot. I've taken my cardigan off like literally. Yeah. Oh yeah. Let's hit that. The ACs. Oh, sorry.

Nah. All right. To have it nice, I was surprised. Oh, sorry. Nah. All right, to have a Denise, I was... Oh, Denise Richards. Oh, no, Denise Billings. Oh. Must just be her accounts name. Oh, come on, mate. Oh.

Oh, Denise Richards. I was supposed to go on vacation to the Dominican Republic for my 25th birthday in 2020. Dominican Republic. I'm actually a Dominican Democrat. Nah. I was supposed to go on vacation to the Dominican Republic for my 25th birthday in 2020. This obviously didn't happen because COVID started and fucked everything.

And everyone got the disease. Five years later, I'm sending this message to you now from a sunny, hot Dominican resort where I'm spending my 30th birthday with the love of my life. Sick. That's probably spent some time on Denise. And Denise said, this is vintage. This is a bit of a throwback. I even brought along my Tony and Ryan Frank green water bottle to keep me hydrated while over to see.

Thank you both for all the laughs. Thank you Denise for ruining our day. No, making our day. Absolutely love to say it. Well, tomorrow we'll be talking about all the shit we did get to today because we got distracted with the fucking my mom and dad on the spit and fucking whatever else.

I'm gonna shit myself. I'm gonna shit myself. I'm gonna shit myself. That's why Jason Statham. I'm gonna shit myself. Hey, honey partner. I'm Jason Statham! When Tony needs to shit herself, she's suddenly from Alabama.

Oh my god. Fuck it. I hate you so. Alright, we'll be back tomorrow. Less poo, more fun. That is our slogan. Love you, bye.