Toni and Ryan - The Pork Sword

Episode Date: February 15, 2022

We talk about 'Pork Swords' and gripes with the Post Office. Love ya! T xxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You'll recognise the name. Okay. Hello. Hello. Would you be able to state your name for the record, please? My name is Cam Litchmore. One of the OG. Litchmore the bitchmore.

Would you approve this podcast, Cam? Absolutely. Yay! Thanks, Cam. A thousand times yes. Oh, my God. Of course. Hey, it's Cam from Toronto, and I approve this podcast.

I am obsessed with a post in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group by Anne-Marie. Almost 20,000 people in there now. There is. Welcome to the podcast, by the way. Tony and I have been chuckling before this because I have just lost it with the pork sword comment thread. So Anne-Marie posted in the group, normal or nah, I gag hardcore trying to get a hair out of the back of my throat,

which is already a lot of information, Anne-Marie. But when I'm gobbling the pork sword, I'm all good. Normal or nah? Do I speak for many when I say I fucking lost it at the term pork sword? Well, I want to bring something up just to start us off because people are taking the piss out of normal or not. It's supposed to be a scientific balanced conversation where we decide whether...

A healthy debate. Yes, a healthy debate of whether we think that what you're doing is all good, whether it's normal or whether it's nah. So... And Anne-Marie, oh, my God. doing is all good, whether it's normal or whether it's nah. And Anne-Marie. Oh, my God. I believe that Anne-Marie has given us one of the great gifts of the tarp community, but you're saying she's ruining the sanctity of normal or nah.

Is that what I'm hearing? Even though I love someone throwing on a good pork sword, as you know. I mean, look at me all weekend. Throw you a couple of chipolatas from over here. I loved that there at me all weekend. Throw you a couple of chippalattas from over here. I loved that there were people in the comment section that just ignored it though. Like there were some people that were just like, oh, that's normal for our group. Well, I think people maybe from your side of town are like, hey, normal or not is people trying to find out if they are in fact normal or if they are in fact not.

Yeah. And I'm just trying to answer the question. Yeah, so people were looking at it scientifically. Monique DeRocha jumped off the treadmill for two minutes and said, how did you get the hair at the back of your throat for starters? Wow, if you have to ask. Amberie's not mucking around. This isn't her first radio.

And Antonio Vigil said, how often are people getting hair in their throat that we have to have this comparison? And I agree. This isn't happening for enough people that it's like, let's get a vibe check on this. Well, the vibe is being checked on today's episode of the Tony and Ryan podcast. All right, so I know that you're obsessed.

Let it rip. What's your faves? Natasha. Definitely normal. I can fit a whole Cavendish banana down the back of my throat, but a single hair does me in every time. Katrina Munro. It's completely normal.

A hair in my mouth is disgusting, but after constantly doing PCR tests for work, gag reflex, I don't even know her anymore. The sass, I don't even know her anymore. The sass? I don't even know a gag reflex. Julia, normal. I gag for so many things, but I've never had an issue lighting the meat candle.

Sorry? Lighting the meat candle? I've never heard that before. Wow. See, what's not an educational segment now? Lighting. never heard that before. Wow. See, what's not an educational segment now? Light Is that another challenge? That you have to say light the meat candle this week and

report back to us, right? I don't know. Holy fuck. That is so good. I'm pretty fucked but wow. Okay. Well, hold on to your seat, mate. Oh, okay. Because Rhys Wooten's entered the chat. Oh, the big woot, yep. Did you see, sorry, sidebar, did you see someone comment the other day like,

who is the big woot? Are they a celebrity? And I answered yes, they are. Yes, they are. But did you see the post? I was like, oh, we fucking like. I replied it and I was like, excuse me? We built a celebrity out of Reece Wooten, the big woot, yeah.

The big woot says, completely, you might have to beat this out, by the way. Oh, fucking hell. Okay. Completely normal. Unless, of course, the person pork sorting is f***ed. F***. Oh. We are all going to hell.

Wow. Okay. Brendan Burrows, 100% normal. Often when I'm making my husband happy, I often wonder how am I able to do magic tricks and make this trouser snake disappear, but I can't even brush my tongue without vomiting. Some people are just blessed, I guess. The tooth brushing, though.

That's true. Whenever you're brushing your tongue. Yeah. Oh, my. Doing magic tricks and disappearing this trouser snake. What the fuck is going on in this group? When we started this podcast, what did you think the group's vibe would be? Because there's so many comments of people being like,

I fucking love this group. I'm like, is this what we started? Was this our intentions all along? See, when you put it like that, what else would it be? Like, it's us. You know, you and I are magnets for freaks and it is clear. James says, I hate hair but have no problems with a man burrito. A man burrito.

Extra beans. And Lara Bingle. Oh, Lara's Bingle. Yeah, from Adelaide. I really struggle to brush my teeth, the ones at the back, and when you brush the tongue it really does my head in. But the pork sword never had an issue. Good for you, Lara.

Lara's Bingle never had a pork sword I couldn't handle. Oh, wow. I just, yeah, what did I expect? Yeah, I don't know. But it is great. But just the pork sword is so graphic. Lighting the meat candle, so graphic. Where would you like Normal or Nah to head in the next few weeks?

Do we get back to Normal? No, no. I think we begin. Normal or Nah for the Normal or Nah. Normal. Bring it on. Normal or Nah. Tomato sauce in the fridge. Or the for the normal or nah? Normal. Bring it on. Normal or nah? Tomato sauce in the fridge.

Oh, no, no, normal, no, nah. I'm saying normal. Last week I had a bit of a whinge about the post office. Yes. And they don't come to your door, they just send you a text going, oh, we tried to come over, you weren't home. And I thought, well, you were teasing me for being an old man and a whinge. And a lot of people said, no, post office is an all-ages whinge.

But I thought, I don't want to be the old guy who whinged. So I've got some compliments to give. Just so you know, I don't want to be an old whingey guy. Oh, balance it out. So we whinged about that last week, so this week we're going to praise. Okay. And I want to talk up doctors and nurses. Oh, okay. For any reason in particular?

So I went to get my third dose. Oh, yes, your booster, your jab, yes. Yeah. What did you go, Pfizer for your third one? Yeah, it was AZ the first two because at our age in Australia, our government forgot to buy enough Pfizer. But now we've got enough, so I got the Pfizer. I did that too.

Two AZs and a P. Oh, we're the same, bro. We're the same. Oh, my God. Isn't that beautiful? I feel like let's – oh. Oh, we're holding hands. Holding hands. That just felt nice.

Felt normal, not nah. So I am not great with needles, injections. Aren't you? I know people don't love them, but for me, I'm like, I look away. I might just do it. I can't. I look away. But is it the pain thing, like it hurts,

like you get a bit anxious about the pain or just the whole thing? Yeah, I don't think it hurts me any more than anyone else. I think I'm just a bit of a scaredy cat and I'm just a bit anxious and it's sterile. Yeah. I don't look either. Yeah. I don't look either. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm in the waiting room and the doctor comes out and he is about six foot five.

His chest, each pec looks like it could have been its own car. His biceps are like canoes. Holy fuck. His thighs are like tree trunks and he's wearing short shorts, like skin tight, tiny. And it's like a bodybuilder has just come out of a huge session. He's jacked. There's veins coming out of it. Holy fuck. Where'd you go to the doctor? Well, it was in Collingwood on Wellington Street. And for people not in Melbourne, would

you say it's the, it's an interesting district? It is. I like Collingwood though. Love it. I live in Collingwood. Oh, same. I can't afford it though. Instead of holding the needle like a regular pencil,

like you might be a fancy cigarette or like you're holding a pen. A fancy cigarette. Or like, you know, just holding it casually. He's holding it like it's a javelin and he's not just about to put the thing in my arm, but by the way he's holding it, he's going to, like, put it through my whole body. Like stab it in like an EpiPen. Yeah.

Yeah. And I'm anxious, I'm nervous. Oh, my love. And he walks out and I haven't seen, what is it, Game of Thrones where the guy who's, like, the wall? I haven't seen it. Apparently there's some guy that's, like, 10 foot. No, I had sex in high school.

Apparently there's some guy that's, like, 10 foot tall and he's just, wall, isn't it? Apparently there's some guy that's like 10 foot tall. No, I had sex in high school. Apparently there's some guy that's like 10 foot tall and he's just like an absolute. Hagrid. Oh, you don't want Harry Potter? Fuck. Anyway, sorry. I'm fucking scared. And I shouldn't be.

It's no reason. What should you never judge a book by? It's cover. It's veins. It's veins. But is it kind of human nature? But you kind of do, though? I think it's intimidating as well, because you're already a bit anxious about the situation

and then you're like, I don't need extra pressure right now. So I walk in and he didn't say, he just kind of like gave me a nod, like this room, and I was like, okay, okay, yep, yep. Hello, sir. Yep. So I walk in and I sit down and I am shaking because needles already I'm worked up.

This guy has just fucking sent me. Yeah. Sweetie, is there any questions about the injection? And I bet he was the nicest guy you've ever fucking met. The loveliest doctor I have ever met. I bet you didn't even feel the fucking needle go in. I didn't. He was so good and he's like, you look a bit anxious.

Can I answer any questions? Do you want to know about the fact? He goes, oh, come and sit next to me. And he looked up on his computer. He's like, see, here's the side effects. You might do this. On the way home, maybe get some aspirin and stuff. You've drank some water now.

The loveliest, most helpful guy ever. And I just want to send a shout out to that guy because he was lovely. That's beautiful. The next day I had to go and get a blood test, right? Yes, yep. And as you know, when you've had the Pfizer, your arm is dead. Dead, yep. So I walk into the blood place.

Again, I'm nervous. I'm anxious. And there was actually vials of blood. I don't like to see that. No, take it away, please. And again, she is a professional. I don't like to see that. No. Take it away, please. And again, she is a professional. That's private. That's private.

She's a professional and I think she knew straight away, oh, he's a bit scared. They would know straight up. And she was a sweetheart. Hey, mate, this won't take a second, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, what do I do with the results? And he's like, oh, I know that you're seeing the doctor next door. I'll send them straight through to him.

You don't need to worry about anything. You just sit there. Do you have a preferred arm that we want to take the thing out of? Well, I can't fucking feel anyone in this one. That's what I said. And can I just, I wrote this down because I didn't want to get it wrong what she said. Because as soon as she said this, I was like, it set me for,

I was laughing so fucking hard. It was almost unprofessional and hard for her to get the blood because I could not stop laughing. I said, I actually got the jab yesterday and this arm is dead. So what do you reckon? And she says, and I quote, well, I guess you got to choose if you want two cooked arms or one fine one and a fucked one. And it fucking sent me.

I don't know why. Do you want two cooked or one fine and one fucked? It's really up to you, bud. It's like the least professional restaurant. One fine, one fucked, two cooked. Yeah, right. And I'm not trying to say she's not professional, but she was just so personable and casual.

But just puts you in the air, yeah. And literally I just laughed and I was like, mate, you've fucking made my day. That's fucking amazing. You know what? I'll have two cooked. I don't want a fucked and a fine. So she puts the, and I'm like, she's trying to find the vein

and I'm giggling. I'm shaking. But she was an absolute sweetheart, so thank you very much to her. This is Cam from Toronto and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Tomorrow on the show. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. There's a thread in the Facebook group that just says...

Your favourite place on the internet. It really is. I've had a great week in there. And it literally just says, what's the dumbest fucking thing you've ever heard? Oh, I've said some shockers. I bet there are a few. Oh, I remember when Tony said that.

People are sharing their stories and, Tony, because tarpers are... Tony and Ryan podcast listeners, yep. Because they're polite, a lot of people heard the dumbest fucking thing they've ever heard and just went, oh, okay. But Tony is going to react how you wanted to react on your behalf. I like that. So that's tomorrow on the show. Very good.

Firstly, a quick thank you to a few of our champion tapas. Chanel Allen, thank you. Desiree Ickton, Diana Cripps and Emily O'Dell, a massive, massive thank you. So as you just said last week, you're a bit of a grumpy goose about the post office. The post office, yeah. And then you've righted that wrong with praising people

in the medical community. I'm going to take us fucking 180 degrees back. Well, how many injections am I going to need next week to even this out again? Because I've got a gripe with the post office. Oh, fuck righto. Because, again, it's our 75th birthday and we're fucking complaining about the post office.

So this has been going on for so long. And Torbs, when it first happened, he goes, oh, bit of content for the podcast. For the post office. For the post office. And I was like, yeah, mate, it's not a good story. And then another thing happened. He was like, oh, bit of content for the podcast.

I was like, it's not a good fucking story. The third, fourth, fifth thing has happened now and it's finally good enough for the podcast. Okay, righto. Now we've made it. Now we've made it. So we've got like a courtyard in our apartment. It's not just a courtyard.

It's fucking huge. It's like fucking botanical gardens. It's an acreage. Do you have horses? We've got dupes down the back. So it's quite, there's a big garden that surrounds it that we obviously have to like water and keep alive and stuff. Must be tough, yeah.

we obviously have to like water and keep alive and stuff. Must be tough, yeah. But we recently planted like a vertical veggie garden and like a garden, a raised garden bed with like tomatoes and I got a lemon tree for Christmas from my friend Jane. That's lovely. Yeah, so it's really, really nice. Yeah, such a good gift. Yeah.

Yeah, great gift. Anyway. Got her in a fucking tile. Oh, but how good are lemon trees? Did you just say that? Yeah, I did. You beat that out. I will not. Fine. You'll get cancelled, not me. Anyway. It'll just become ARP. Anne Ryan podcast. Adeline from yesterday will still be here with you.

Anyway, so we bought all this stuff and we went and bought like a really cheap hose and hose fitting and stuff so that we could water the fucking backyard. Anyway, it kept popping off. One of the days we were out there, I was holding the hose. It popped off. I got fucking saturated. I chucked the shits and I haven't like been out there again.

Classic me. Classic. Anyway, so then we went and bought a really expensive because we thought maybe the hose was like too thin and too flimsy and the water like surging through it. Water pressure shooting it off. Yeah, it just like popped off. Anyway, so we went and bought a really expensive hose.

Jeez. How much did you spend on a hose? Bro, $80 this fucking hose. Are you joking? Mate, don't fucking. For a hose. Don't. It's not an industrial don't fucking. For a hose. Don't. It's not an industrial.

It fucking might as well be. For a courtyard. It was so expensive. But it was the only one that was only like 10 metres long because all the rest of them are fucking, you know, 30 metres long. I was like, I don't need a 30 metre hose. Yeah. Like we could run.

Yeah, like it doesn't need to be that long. You could carry a bucket from the kitchen. Exactly. Like, we could run Yeah, like, it doesn't need to be that long. You could carry a bucket from the kitchen. Exactly. Like, it's so ridiculous. Anyway, so we bought this really expensive hose and that kept popping off anyway. Yeah. Hang on, so the $80 one's still no good? The $80 one's still no good.

And I'm fucked off. Rightly so. Yes. Anyway, so Torb's Why is this the post office's fault? Okay, hang on. So Torb's... It sounds like a hose issue. It sounds like a hose issue. It sounds like Bunnings' fault. Torbz does some research and turns out that we have a purple tap and that means it's recycled water

so all the threads on the tap are backwards so that people can't use a normal hose and then like drink it because it's not fit for consumption. Like you couldn't... So they're not just being annoying like Apple. They're like, oh, let's put our connections as something separate to the rest of the world. No, it's like for food safety.

So you couldn't bucket up for like a dog or a cat or whatever. Okay, that does kind of make sense. Probably would have been great if someone had let us know. No one fucking lets you know. We just thought it was a quirky purple fucking tap. Is it the post office job to let you know? Okay. We go back to Bunnings, buy another very, very expensive connector.

It's like $35 for just the hose connector, which is the reverse thread. It would have been cheaper to buy a new house. Bro. I know. We were just going to move in with you. I was like, I can't fucking deal with this. Anyway, it was really expensive. It still doesn't work.

Torb's finding this fitting online. Everything's going to be hunky-dory. And you know what Torb's is like? I'm hearing it at every step of things. Like, oh, well, that connector doesn't work. I have to go buy this one. So we go down to Bunnings. We buy the next thing.

That doesn't fucking work. So, oh, we need to do another whole thing. Anyway, he finds this thing online. He's like, it's going to be the right thing. Can't wait for it to come and get to go out and water me garden. He's like so pumped for it. He's expecting it to come on a Monday. He checks his Australia Post app on the Monday.

Turns out it was delivered on Friday. Two days early? Three days early. Three days earlier. But if it's been delivered, then where is it? No ring on the doorbell. No notification in the app. No one knocked on the door, said, hey, like, here's your post.

And you're in an apartment. They can't just, like, leave it at the doorstep. Nope. But they did. What do you mean? And it's been stolen. Fuck off. So you, I mean, I sometimes joke about outing where you live,

but it's a busy street. It's a busy street. It's an apartment. If you just left something at the door, it'd be gone within 10 minutes. So then apparently I go into the Facebook group, right, you know the building Facebook group. And just light them up. And someone else goes, hey, did anybody else get a delivery Friday morning

and it's missing because mine's gone? If you've accidentally picked up my package, could you drop it back off? Yeah. There's been a mass theft in a building on the day that we got the hose connector delivered. So Australia Post has rocked up with a hose connector, with 104's cat food with someone else's thing. They've just left it all at the front.

Someone's waltzed down in Richmond and gone fucking bang, bang, bang. Good day for fucking me and yeah, bad day to be a package left on the doorstep. Anyway, so all this stuff's gone. Torbs is in fucking pieces. He, and he is not a flappable character. I'd describe him as

unflappable. He is unflappable. Never seen him flap. He's on the fucking phone with Oz Post because it wasn't Australia Post's fault that we'd been through so many steps. No, but that did work him up. It did work him up. And he's like, it's been weeks we've been trying to get this thing to work. We're waiting for this thing to come.

Anyway, so he's like on the live chat with the Australia Post. They're like, well, it says it's been delivered. There's a photo of it. And he's like, well, there's no fucking, like there's nothing down there, like what are you talking about? Also, do they have a common, like they should know this is a busy street, it's an apartment building. I know. Leaving it at the front door is not good enough.

Thank you for joining my frustration. So anyway, they're like. Mate, I'll get on a bandwagon for a post office winch, don't get me wrong. And then they're like, oh, maybe we could claim it on, okay, so this fitting ended up being like $15. So it's cheap. It's the principle of the thing, though. Oh, absolutely. It's the three

weeks of effort. It's the dying tomatoes. It's the lemon tree. Thank you. The lemonicious is fucking falling over, almost. Yeah, when life gives you lemons, what do you do? You fucking wait out the front for Australia Post for 10 years. Yeah, you can't fucking water them, so fucking who knows? And anyway, so they're like, oh, you can go through an insurance claiming process.

It'll take like up to 27 fucking business days. No, I just want my hose. And I said to Torbs, look, you're really worked up. How about I just order another one and we do that and then we just leave it? And he was like, no, I'm going to go through this process. No, he's a man of principle. So he's going through this process. I just ordered another one.

It's already come. The hose is working. We're all good. The $80 hose is being used. Has Torbs used it? No, because he's at the High Court of Australia. He's taken this to the top. He's got a meeting with fucking ASIO this week.

He's a man of principles, that Torbs. I just could not believe after, you know, the ups and the downs of the story, that it ended up being the fucking post office as well. Well, thank you for joining me on this rampage. Couldn't fucking believe it. Ridiculous. Ridiculous.

Hey, do you ever hear a joke or see a meme that's probably not that funny but for some reason it just tickles you real good and it just gets you going? Yes, 100%, yep. I saw this meme the other day. Well, actually, it was an article from the Orlando Centennial, which is the Orlando local paper. Beautiful. Here's the headline.

Man with a machete tattoo on his face has been accused of a machete attack. So a man with a machete tattoo on his face has been accused of it. And then so here's the meme because the top comment has done me in. This is the top comment. Damn, it's always the ones you least expect. Yeah. That did me for hours. I just could not stop laughing.

I mean, when you put two and two together. It's like, so do you reckon he carries a machete? Is he into machetes? Yeah. Oh, he's a non-violent guy. But like that had me chuckling for hours. That is so funny. And it's just so innocent as well.

You just like see it and you know that someone's just written that snarky comment and just like let it go. That's fucking funny. My You'll Love to See It for Today is a recommendation. Oh, jeez. Yeah. Of the game Tetris. What?

I'm fucking obsessed. Of all the games out there? I have not stopped playing Tetris for, like, two weeks. My screen time is through the roof. Are you on Wordle? No. Out of principle, don't do Wordle. Why?

Because everybody keeps posting those little squares and it fucks me right off. So instead, to show, to prove a point, you're going to play Tetris. I'm retro. I'm old school. What do you play it on? Literally on my phone. There's a free Tetris app and it's like original Tetris.

It's very good. I recommend it. You know that I hate to character assassinate you. That is not true. And I hate to question you and challenge you with your life choices. That's not who I am. Yeah. I hate to character assassinate you.

At least I'm aware I'm an arsehole. Is that at least step one? Yes. Step one. And yes, you are. I'm admitting you're having a problem. The amount of times, and not that I ever question how busy you are, we've got full-time jobs, we're running this podcast, we're busy.

And when you're like, oh, hey, mate, I've been flat out, I'm like, hey, you don't need to explain it to me. And then I hear, oh, I spent 48 hours playing Tetris this week. I'm like, well, don't fucking come at me with your busy. Mate. Tetris. Is you love to see it the place where you're going to do this to me? No.

Does this feel like an appropriate time for this to happen? Because I play Tetris to wind down at the end of the day after a busy fucking day. I work nine to five, well, seven till three actually, starting this week. Look out, Dolly Parton. Working seven till three. I'm getting in early because after three I like to do a podcasty.

We're throwing. You know what? You're right. This isn't the time. Yeah. And you've been nothing but supportive of me. I was with you on the post office. Yeah.

I was with you with the pork sword. And now this. And now this. I won't be gobbling your pork sword. That is a real shame. Even though it is a bit like having a hair on the back of your throat. Is that a hair? No, that's it. Tetris is really good, so

get fuck meow. Fuck meow. Fuck meow right up.