Too Scary; Didn't Watch - ABIGAIL with Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: June 26, 2024

This film has everything: the word "fuck", a little ballerina girl, blood at the correct viscosity aaaannndddd Dan Stevens playing Tim Robinson in I Think You Should Leave!! Praise be to PFT for being our friend and watching this movie - we love you forever starting at the beginning of time !!!This was originally recorded as a live video episode that is still available on our Patreon!Movie Stats @ 02:55Guest Intro @ 04:26More Movie Trivia @ 22:50Recap @ 31:25Follow the show: @TSDWpodcast on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram.Check out our Patreon for bonus episodes and additional content!Rate Too Scary; Didn’t Watch 5 Stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Emily, Henley, and Sammy.Advertise on Too Scary; Didn't Watch via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is Emily, Henley, and Sammy, and you're listening to Too Scary, Didn't Watch. Hi everyone, welcome to Too Scary, Didn't Watch, the horror movie recap podcast for those too scared to watch for themselves. I'm Emily, I'm live. I'm Henley and I'm also live and also scared of scary movies. I'm Sammy and I love scary movies. I feel like my voice is all of a sudden back to laryngitis. I've had laryngitis the past couple days, you guys. It's been a rough ride.

But that doesn't change the fact that I love scary movies and I am live. She's here and she's live. She's laryngitis and she's live. Live-ingitis. She's live-ingitis. Really gross. That sounds nasty. Really gross She's live angitis. Really gross. That sounds nasty. Really gross.

That sounds even worse. Really nasty. Week four of Hellchella. So thrilled to be here. Wow. And it keeps going, baby. There's a lot more to come. It's just picking up.

It's just picking up steam. I am having the time of my life. Every week it gets better and better. I mean, Helcella, who knew? Helcella. Who knew? For those of you who don't know, which I'm sure is zero people, Helcella is our... Zero people worldwide.

Worldwide. Helcella is our summer series where we are covering all new releases for June, July, and August. And they're all video episodes available on our Patreon. A live episode every month on our Patreon, starting with this one. One of them's happening right now. You're in it. It's happening. Welcome to it.

And lots of other good stuff that we'll post about on our Instagram. And you guys, it's live. Anything could happen. Anyone could walk through that door behind me at any moment. Whenever people do walk through that door, I get really scared. I really don't like seeing someone walk through the door behind you. I really don't like it. If it's not fully shut, it does slowly creak open after like 15 minutes.

It'll just start slowly opening, even if no one's there. But the ghosts are friendly. We all know they're so friendly. Sure. I thought Silas said they're not friendly anymore. That's true. He did say that, but he was just trying to get a rise out of me. He was just trying to, you know, like do a little poke, poke, poke, poke, poke. Sure. Typical. Typical Silas. But we're going to get right into today's episode.

Emily, what movie are we talking about today? Sammy, Henley, friends, we're talking about Abigail. We're talking about the movie Abigail. Abigail came out in April of 2024. She has an 82% on Rotten Tomatoes. Hi! A 62% on Metacritic and a 6.6% on IMDb.

Standard stuff. Hail Satan. Hail Satan. Almost absolutely Hail Satan. There were three total sixes in the collection. And Hail Satan. Completely then.

So Hail Satan. Yes. Hail Satan for that. It was directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett. Written by Steven Shields

and Guy Busick. Starring, get ready, Melissa Barrera, Dan Stevens, Catherine Newton, Will Catlett, Kevin Durand,

Angus Cloud, Alicia Weir, and Giancarlo Esposito. You can rent it, VOD, for quite a price. For pretty penny. Really gonna be spending to rent abigail 14.99 1999 range what are we talking it's 1999 yeah sorry about that folks i thought it was a free one taylor swift was charging but guess what you don't have to rent it because we're about to tell you

every freaking thing that happens in it. It's going to be just like watching it, only better. And it's going to be better because we're not doing it alone. We are not doing it alone. We couldn't. We wouldn't dare.

This is Helcela after all. This is a live show. And so without further ado, let us introduce back again horror respondent you know him you love him paul f tompkins i'll give you a classic a classic vampire hiss there's a few of them in this picture let me just prepare you love love a vampire hiss i knew we got a little we got word that you're wearing a hat, but I didn't get visual on the hat until just now. And so many things were popping through my head.

I was like, is it a Pope's hat? Is it a priest hat? Is it a hat that Russell Crowe would wear? No, it's even better. It's extremely fitting. I'm so, I'm thrilled that I happen to have this hat in time to do this movie. Yeah. It's perfect. It's very, very good hat. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. It's lovely to see you three.

And I want to tell you that I have been on tour with not only my own show, Varietopia, but also Comedy Bang Bang. And after the Comedy Bang Bang shows, we do meet and greets with the audience. And more than a few people expressed their fandom of too scary didn't watch and said how much they were looking forward to this live stream what wow well hello those exact people wow we don't get to it we don't we love you we don't get to meet a lot of those people in the flesh so that's exciting for us to hear. Yeah, that is exciting. Yeah. Well, wait till Hellchella is a live in-person event. Yeah.

Yeah, 2025. We're booking stadiums. You can't keep it remote forever. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, the Hellchella World Tour. Burning Man's got to be over, right? Since that got all fucked up, you guys got to swoop in and take it over.

I think we're going to take it. Yeah, I think it's exactly there. It's a one-to-one. That's our audience. That's our vibe. Same fan base. Burning Man. And all those people are still there. It's a one-to-one. That's our audience. That's our high. Same fan base. Burning Man. And all those people are still there.

Is that correct? They're trapped. Yeah, they're never leaving. Yep. And they're all tuned in on YouTube right now. They're desperate for Wi-Fi. Thank God they have Wi-Fi there. You guys, did anything scary happen to any of you this week?

Does anybody have a scary thing to share? I have something to share. It's less scary than it was shocking, and I just need to share it. Okay, so Friday night, Joel and I go to get happy hour. We get some drinks. We have a nice time. We made up with a friend. It was a great little time.

We're walking back to my car we're in echo park set in the scene and um we see a neighborhood cat and you know thrilled to see a neighborhood cat at any any opportunity and this guy seemed friendly so we're like oh hello hello go up guy call him over petting this cat this cat is like really flirting you know like letting us pet them and like walking away and come back. And we're like having a nice little time. And we're right at my car. And this cat jumps right in. No, we hadn't opened the car yet. This cat walks over to right in front of my car. I swear to God, looks me dead in the eyes and pisses straight up into the air all over my car whoa i

have never seen anything how did the physics work with that wow it went straight straight up and i was like how does this cat know this is my car we haven't gotten in this car yet this cat was like we were having a good time we were petting this cat it i i just it's hard to fully express how surprising of a moment it was wow did it crouch or anything or was it just fully standing from full it wasn't like ass up okay so the physics of this are really confusing mind-boggling yeah it felt targeted to be fair my cats i've talked about this before p they stand wild absolutely everywhere in the litter box area and so while i don't have eyes on it most of the time i guess i do know that uh-oh the p goes all over the place you're worried about the litter box area the ground but sammy have you checked out the ceiling you should be looking up oh my gosh that is

shocking really shocking yeah it was shocking what do you think he was trying to say i really don't know i i know i was like am i is this cat offending me like me who does nothing but support cats? Or maybe it's like marking you as theirs. Oh, theirs. That's how we turn that around. Maybe. Maybe it was an act of affection. Yeah. It was just really surprising, you guys.

It was just really surprising and I keep thinking about it. So. Yeah. Just needed to tell somebody else. I wish there was a photo or video because like how does it get around the car wash is also that oh no my car was really clean so anyway it just felt targeted wow wow that's terrifying um but it's gonna be fine it's gonna be fine anything scary happened to you guys um my whole family got hand foot mouth disease. That is a real bummer and such a horrible name, even though I'd like.

It's a really bad one. It does kind of perfectly describe it. It just seems like that shouldn't exist in 2024. It exists. I really did not realize that was a disease that human beings can get until a couple years ago. I know. Me too. I really thought that that was a farm

malady that only happened to animals. Absolutely. It sounds like it should just be livestock that are getting hand foot mouth disease. It's not. It's toddlers. It's toddlers around the nation. And I don't like that it's three things. It's like hand, foot, and mouth. It's also like, I don't want all those to be related. I don't want. It's also kind of a misnomer because like they're sores. Basically, for anyone who doesn't know, it's a thing that happens amongst like young children. It's very common. Silas has had it once.

He got it again. And then he gave it to Baby May. And Baby May has been nonstop howling at the top of her goddamn lungs for like 72 hours when I got into this room and no one was here. And I was like, shut the door. I was like, oh, like I'm a new woman. Oh my God. Really, I'm like at my wit's end, actually. I am a frayed, frayed nerve and I don't know how to go on but I think that doing this podcast is actually going to rejuvenate me I believe that it will I hope anyway so yeah so baby may has just been howling she has um what happens is that it starts with a really high fever and then it progresses to sores all over the mouth inside the mouth mouth, on the hands, on the feet.

Oh, just like they said. Just like they said. But then. As advertised. Yep. Then the sores kind of travel anywhere on the body. They can be anywhere on the body, especially in the diaper region. A lot of stuff going on the body. They can be anywhere on the body, especially in the diaper region. A lot of stuff going on down there.

Baby Mae also doesn't like taking medicine. So this is the kind of thing that I probably shouldn't say on a podcast because when she's a teenager, she'll listen to it and be very angry at me. She's going to be a completionist and she's going to listen to the whole back catalog. Just to be mad at me. Yeah, so we've been doing Tylenol suppositories. So that's a thing. I've been shoving some Tylenol up her butt every few hours.

And it helps. I sent you guys some videos today. She is... Not of the suppository part. No. It's not good. Those two things were a little too close together i just wanted to clarify good looking out so anyway that's been that's been tough and i feel

like tim and i both kind of have have it very mild cases of it but uh it's it's fine it's fine so it's been bad it's been bleak you guys it's been bleak. How long does that take to go away? Well, the problem is that it's cascading illnesses. So Silas had it for like three days. And then we had like a 12-hour period of time where it was like, ooh, maybe we're in the clear. And then started up with baby May. So she's been really sick since like Thursday. So hopefully in the next couple days it's over. I don't know, you guys. It's tough. sick since like Thursday. So hopefully in the next couple of days it's over.

I don't know, you guys. It's tough. It's so tough. Sounds very bad. I've had a few cascading illnesses of my own. I know, Sammy, you've been going through this, but it's been your own personal body. Just me. Just you.

And started with flu. Then I got laryngitis and then it somehow became pink eye did you guys know you could get pink eye from the flu no just here in my house it's i guess you can get viral viral pink eye i was really fucked up it was really fucked up i'm like mostly better but that's not the scary thing i wanted to talk about i oh god i did something this week that I've never done before, which in itself is scary. But that thing was writing a one-star review on Amazon for an electric toothbrush. And it was a really long review. I have a lot of problems with this toothbrush and I felt like people need to know. I didn't know I could hate a toothbrush this much. And it's the standard one. I'll call it out. Oral

B. Just regular electric toothbrush, Oral B. One of the big ones. Exactly. When I bought it, I was like, well, surely this is a good one. Literally hundreds of thousands of people have reviewed it. It has a 4.6. I'm trying to bring that average down. Wait, tell us some bullet points of what's bad about it. First of all, it's the loudest toothbrush I've ever heard in my life. It's like comically loud. When it's louder, once it's in your mouth. Yes. I feel like the like wind up teeth chattering thing when I'm brushing my teeth. It's just like vibrating like this. I hate it so much. And then it doesn't turn off automatically. It does just like vibrating like this. I hate it so much. And then it doesn't turn off automatically.

It does the like four quadrant timer. 30 seconds, 30 seconds, 30 seconds, 30 seconds. And then it just keeps going. And the on off button doesn't turn it off. So you have to like cycle through all of the cycles while the brush is in your mouth to turn it off. So stupid. Holds a charge for maybe a week if you're lucky. it off so stupid hold the charge for maybe a week if you're lucky i think everything about it is bad and i'm just shocked that it's one of the most common toothbrushes out there but i'm hoping that

i can you know save some other people the trouble this is my this is long and honest review i have to say that that that is that is like a that's a big deal because there's a lot of shit that you can buy on Amazon. It sucks. And most of the time you can say, well, that's on me. I did not really research this. And of course this ended up being a piece of garbage. That's, I should have looked at the price and known, but when you find something that bad and you, you are moved to warn other people about it, that's bad. That's a bad product. Good for you.

It makes me mad every day, and I have to use it twice a day. You have to. I was like, I can't return it because I'm going to return a used toothbrush? That's crazy. Wait, Emily, don't you have a toothbrush you really like i do have a toothbrush i really like how they think it's asking i have the um burst electric toothbrush which i will say is like a bougie electric toothbrush it's okay she's like kind of expensive okay but i got her when i work i mean oral b's not cheap are we talking 50 are we

talking 100 you know what i need to look it up because i got it when i worked. I mean, Oral-B's not cheap. Are we talking 50? Are we talking 100? You know what? I need to look it up because I got it when I worked. Remember when I very briefly worked at a dental studio for like two months and hated my life? But they had, I got like a deal on this burst toothbrush. And I do really

like it. Nice and quiet. Has the four quadrants. Turns off when the quadrants we need any time through. Sounds like it's hitting all the things that you are disappointed about in your oral B. I just don't understand why they would think that I would still want it on after two minutes. You know, like what was the design thought? Like maybe they'll just want to keep going.

That feels like a mistake. That's a mistake. Yeah, that's not right. It's not right. It's not right. I agree. I just use an analog toothbrush. Oh, wow.

Don't your arms get so tired? Does it stick with bristles? Aren't your arms exhausted from all that scrubbing? Yeah, yeah. I should have an electric toothbrush. Literally, Emily, when you told us about the Burst toothbrush, I was like, I really need to get on that electric toothbrush game. And I've been thinking about it ever since. I haven't pulled the trigger.

Well, maybe now's the time. Now you know. Paul, what are you using on those chompers? What you got going on over there? I'm going to tell you, my wife and I, I don't know how we got into this, but we use electric in the morning Philips Sonicare and acoustic toothbrush at night. Acoustic. Acoustic. We go unplugged at night. Okay. We gotta get away from

technology at the end of the day so you can wind down. We gotta wind down. Oh, too many screens. I feel like I feel like this was recommended to us at some point. And we both just accepted it and that's what we've been doing for years love that fascinating love that fascinating okay really maybe because you don't want to over

brush you don't want to be like over i think that was at the heart of it yes yeah yeah you don't want to just be constantly pushing those gums up and you're you're a fan of the sonic hair yes i'm a fan of the sonic hair i like the sonicare because that was it was between the oral b and the sonicare and i was like i'll do oral b i'm really kicking myself can i tell you why we went sonicare please because a better name i don't like oral b is absolutely fucking terrible i can't believe that's terrible like the round of voting like they're all agreed oral b but also you can get the philips sonicare in black oh hell yeah that's pretty cool now we're talking in case we have to go somewhere in the evening if we get invited to a black tie

well you won't that won't be a problem because you're only using it in the morning, Paul. A morning black tie event. A morning black tie event. The worst. A breakfast black tie toothbrushing event. You're covered. Please bring your toothbrushes.

That's what it says in the calligraphy at the bottom. That's where the dress code? Just bring a toothbrush? And make it fancy. Well, Paul, other than toothbrush-related things, did anything scary happen to you this week?

Well, so we were, as I said, we were on tour. One of our friends, Carl Tart, woke up and realized he did not have his, well, no, he got back to the hotel after a show and realized he did not have his wallet. Oh, no. And that was, we were all like, oh, that's the worst. And, you know, it's such a it's

it's weird how that feeling ripples out to everybody we were all like freaking out for him but then next day it turns out he left it at a restaurant the restaurant had it get away from the open so he's going to join us later i get to the next hotel only to find i have lost my little pouch that has my valuables i have a ring i have a watch and i cannot find it anywhere and i'm like i know that i put this in my bag turn my shoulder bag inside out looking all over for i can't find it i'm like i know i didn't leave with hotel call the the previous hotel did you find it they said we'll call you back they never called me back got back to the hotel that night

i was like guess that shit is lost forever moved my suitcase to begin packing for the next day and it was right there oh thank god i was so mad what a relief i was so mad all i had to do was move the suitcase two inches and i would have seen it there okay okay but did you because here's the thing here's where i'm a little bit crazy because whenever something like this happens, I'm like, it wasn't there before. Oh, interesting. This I could say it was absolutely there before. I absolutely did not look there.

I absolutely did not. Okay. I was convinced. I was convinced it was either inside the suitcase, which I did not move to take everything out of, or it was in my carry-on bag, which it was not move to take everything out of, or it was in my carry-on bag, which it was not. And so having convinced myself it was

in one of those two places, I did not even look in the surrounding area. But how did it get under your suitcase? Why would it have been there? Because I fucking took it out at some point to put it over with this other stuff. Did you? Yes, I did. I'm just saying. Emily, what's the

theory on your end? Elves? Gremlins? Or just like, just like, I don't know, sometimes. Oh, like a glitch in the matrix type of thing. Yeah, and I'm sort of like, I don't know, do the little people who fuck with us, like, realize like somebody was like, guys, Paul's looking for the

thing. They're like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Put it where he wasn't looking. When you say little people, do you mean literally leprechauns? I don't know what they describe themselves as, but essentially, yes. Little magic guys of some sort. Little magic guys. LMGs.

I don't know. Yeah. That could be a religion. Just believing in the little magic guys. I'm sure that is out there. Yeah. It's got to be a religion. I'm sure someone's on that already. It's too good.

It's too logical. It explains a lot of things. Whenever that happens to me, because it happens a lot, I got to say, I lose shit all the time. I'm always just like, it's gone. I don't need it but the thing that's hard about what you're saying a ring like irreplaceable things with a wallet i'm like i can replace it i'll replace it i'll replace it but like a ring oof that's yes these were these were things that had great sentimental value and i would have been extremely bummed if they had been lost forever oh man i'm very glad they were not thank you happy

ending thank you to the little guys try harder try harder lmgs lmgs well careful paul be careful with that i don't know i wouldn't if i were you um okay are we ready to freaking talk about abigail i think we have to i think we have to talk about Abigail I'm ready Okay great well I don't have a ton of trivia About Abigail but I have some And I will say that Abigail Had a budget of 28 million

Made 42.1 million Oh okay Not bad Mostly because Dan Stevens is wearing those glasses the whole movie. He is wearing those glasses the whole movie. Yeah, most of it. Great. Yeah.

Good choice. And he does have his hair slicked back, which was inspired by the slicked back hair guy from I Think You Should Leave. Oh my God. I forgot that I did read that once upon a time. He was inspired by I Think You Should Leave. He decided this character used to be a real piece of shit. Yeah.

Or is currently a real piece of shit, I guess, is maybe what it is. Yeah. You think this is slicked back? This is pushed back. This is pushed back. Oh, boy. So that's a fun little bit of trivia.

That's great. It is meant to be like outside of New York City, but they actually filmed it in dublin they filmed it at the guinness manor really oh okay well didn't they film irish lake i feel like guinness we talked about guinness owning guinness goes hollywood in irish wish yeah are they doing okay guness? Should we be worried about them? Also, it's funny to always go back to Irish Wish as the touchstone. It's like, hmm, similar to Irish Wish.

Just like Irish Wish. Just like Irish Wish. I'm not trying to talk about Irish Wish. No, I know. I had a Guinness recently, so I'm doing my part. You know, and Guinness makes a really good NA beer. Yeah. They do. They really do. It took a long time, by the way.

Their NA beer was not good for a long time. Whatever they're doing now. And they finally were able to replicate the stout. Yeah. Yeah, it's really good. Quite good. This movie was filmed in two parts as a result of the SAG strike. So initial filming began May 2023 and wrapped in July of 2023

and then they started back up again November of 2023 and ended in December. So you'll tell that everybody's much colder at one point. Be sure to point that out if you guys in your recap. When you see them be cold. It's really important for me to have that visual. When you see them be cold it's really important for me to when you see them be cold i'll tell you um the abductors are all given pseudonyms by the coordinator lambert so they don't know each other's real names it's like a little we got a little like ragtag bunch sort of situation a crew if you will and the names are all taken from the rat pack and you know what i really don't know why okay why not yeah but you know cool just so you

know okay why the film is so gory co-director tyler gillett revealed our thing with blood is it always has to feel viscous the minute it feels thin it's not interesting we want it to stick to you oh so we do have a lot of viscous fluid. What do we think? Is blood actually like that? Great question. I don't think I've ever like bled quite enough to like see if it sticks, but it seems pretty thin to me. Yeah, pretty liquidy. I could be basing this on absolutely nothing, but I feel like the closer to your heart, the thicker the blood is.

Interesting. But not that thick. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not like goo. it's not goo but maybe but is what is what and where is plasma because is that the goo part no plasma's part of blood because i've donated plasma so i know this so when you donate plasma they take the blood out and they spin it so it separates. Ew. Platelets, I think.

Yes, I think that's right. That feels like it could be gooey. Did that affect your viewing experience? The viscousness of the blood? Really took me out of it. Really took me out of it. Blood too viscous. Blood too viscous.

That's really all I have. I will say i will say okay so henley what do you know about this movie so i did watch the trailer for this back in like march so i do have a pretty good overview that being said it was in march and my ability to recall any kind of information longer than like 15 minutes. Okay. It's pretty bad right now. So I don't know. Okay, great. Great.

Because I will say I'm quite angry with the marketing team. Of this movie. The trailer does kind of show most of it. But I'm not sure what else they would have done. I don't know what else they would have done, but I wish they would have tried.

I wish they would have tried. But you know what? That's not the area we live in. So why am I holding on to it? But if anybody doesn't know anything about this movie, we're going to, we're going to, well,

we're going to tell you, but we're also going to, you know, once you know, we'll get there. We'll save the trailer for the end. So we'll save the trailer for the end. If anybody doesn't know, they can be surprised.

So maybe you'll be surprised. Maybe you won't. I will probably be surprised. I'll probably be surprised even though I've seen the trailer. Great. Paul, do you want to take it probably be surprised even though I've seen the trailer. Great. Paul, do you want to take it away? How are you feeling? I feel good.

I am fresh from watching this movie. I mean, like, I just finished watching it and did my notes. But, Sammy, let me know if I am leaving anything important out. There were a couple things that I didn't write down, and then later they fucking come back and I'm like alright that always happens there's no way this will ever matter again

I'll skip it I've got notes for you Paul Emily and I both watched it what? I didn't know that either I watched it because I was in my laryngitis and pink eyes stage. And so we just wanted to, yep, yep.

And we were covering our bases. I'm the only one. I'm the only one here who hasn't seen it. You're the only one here who hasn't seen it. Wow, I feel. Lucky. 82% Paul on IMDb. No, Rotten Tomatoes. That's prettyb no Rotten Tomatoes

that's pretty high well we'll get into our personal thoughts we'll save those for later you didn't love it? we'll get there was this scary for you or were you okay watching this one?

is it okay to say this at the top? I didn't feel this was a particularly scary movie. Yeah. I think that's fair to say. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. And I think that's also partially why I was like, I can watch it because I didn't expect it to be

choo-choo scary. Yeah. Choo-choo scary. I think a couple, I think Tyler's saying choo-choo scary. Too, too scary. And choo-choo scary. It is a little too, too scary to be completely honest.

Is Silas feeding you lines? I thought you said choo-choo scary. No, choo-choo scary. No, it's too, too scary and too too scary it is a little too too scary to be completely honest is silas feeding you lines i thought you said too too scary no too too scary no it's too too scary okay okay it's no it's not that scary i do think a previous version of me would have had a hard time with some of the gore but even that doesn't feel like it's i don't know it's like not doesn't feel super realistic i would say yeah i'm not a big fan of gore. Yeah. And it just kind of like washed over me. It didn't really, it was like, okay, guys.

Yeah. Yeah. Because it was too viscous. So it didn't, I was like, this isn't. No one's head is getting like axed and then like pulled through like with a chain, like through the middle of their body and then like goes like all the way through. That doesn't happen in this movie? That doesn't happen in this.

Not that specifically. Not that specifically checking just checking there's some heads that go where they shouldn't go there's some stuff but i'd say it's like more it's more manageable for scaredy cats than normal it's fun it's like a it's like a well because i also these are the same guys that did um ready or not which I loved. Oh, yeah. And I thought Ready or Not was scarier than this. They did Ready or Not, and they did the Scream 5 and 6. Oh, I didn't know that. Okay.

6 and 7, 5 and 6. Yeah, same directors. And I think, too, knowing what the twist was, I think I might have been more scared at the beginning had I not known what I was supposed to be looking out for. Do you know what I mean? Yes, yes, yes. There are some moments that I could have been more scared at the beginning had I not known what I was supposed to be looking out for. Do you know what I mean? Yes, yes, yes.

There are like some moments that I could have been like, uh-oh, where's the threat going to come from? But I knew because they told me. Yeah. For sure. It is what it is. All right. Let's get into Abigail. Let's do it.

In the past few years, I have hit a point where I only want to be wearing clothes that are comfortable. It happened. It happened to me. But you know what? I still also want to look cute. And these are two desires that are often extremely opposing. And I don't want to have to sacrifice. I want both. I want comfort and I want to feel cute and confident. And guess what? Skims has freaking done it again with their soft lounge collection. I am currently very, very obsessed with, I have the soft lounge tank and boxer set. Okay. This tank, it's a great little rib tank. Classic. You can wear it every day. You can pair it with jeans. You can wear it out in the world, or you can wear

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Guess what, gang? We get creaky door noises and scary child singing over studio and production logos. They're wasting no time. Oh, my God. This is what happened to me in my sleep paralysis. That's what I heard. Oh, no.

No, stop it. Really? What? The one time I had sleep paralysis, I was just frozen, and it was just child voices. Oh, like la, la, la, la, la, like that? I think it was more like child voices like that i think it was more like child laughter but oh that's worse it was bad was it over production logos too yeah in my room materializing okay so we see um a little girl's feet and ballet slippers she's coming out from behind a curtain swan lake is playing as she does a little pirouette we see she's a cute little girl and the title abigail

comes up and this must be abigail so we intercut abigail dancing with some tough looking chick with bangs in another location she's got a gun she's like clicking the the magazine into place she's ready to go gets in a car with dan stevens some other dude who unfortunately looks a lot like elon musk he really does he looks so much like it is distracting he never stops looking like him he never stops looking like no he never stops and he i actually really enjoyed him but not as much as i could have you know what i mean i 100 agree do you guys want to know something crazy there's you know i play my morning games there is a new morning game in town called faces where

it's two celebrities faces ai like mixed together and you have to see you to like separate them you have to see yeah which two you think it is and there was one the other day that I was like this looks so much like that one guy what's that guy and in my head I was like Kevin Durand his name was in my brain already this guy this Elon Musk guy I don't know why I knew his name. Should have really freaked me out. Kevin Durant? Not Durant. Kevin Durant. Durant. Oh,

and that's why I got confused at first. Cause I was like, no, that's not Kevin Durant. Obviously. You got to change. You can't, you can't be in sad with the name,

Kevin Durant. You already look like Elon Musk. Yeah. It's one or the other. This is too confusing. Be your own man, kevin kevin i liked a lot of what you were doing but other stuff is not working you have a middle name let's switch yeah exactly either change your name or get a total face change surgery okay so we intercut so um we see another car of thuggy people. And one of them is the late Angus Cloud, RIP. Oh, yeah.

And he's in a car with this cute hacker girl. And there's a sniper on the roof of this. They're staking out this mansion. So they're getting everything into place. So back to Abigail. She leaves the theater, which is seemingly empty. Oh, she was dancing alone? Yeah, she's performing on stage in costume to an empty theater with nobody else there.

It's not like there's people backstage being like, okay, great, you hit all your marks, this is good. Yeah, good dress rehearsal. Nope, she don't know what that is. This is her own time. How old are we guessing? 12. 12-ish? It's stated in the movie, so we're going to say 12.

Oh, great. Okay, we'll follow what the movie says. Safe bet. We don't, yes, so we don't have to guess. So she leaves the theater and gets into a limo, and we're shown that there's a tracking device under the limo. Dan Stevens in his car gets a text that says, Tiny Dancer is on the move

now angus cloud is hitting on the cute hacker she's not interested the rest of the gang pulls up i don't know why they weren't already there if they knew where abigail was going they knew exactly where she was going i don't know why they had to be in a separate car they also don't i don't know why they're in separate cars from each other, and I don't know why. And they didn't seem to be outside the theater either, so they're getting a text. It doesn't make any sense. And they also, they beat Abigail

to her house on purpose, so it's also like you were already there before she got there. Yes, yes, yes. I don't know. Look, I've never masterminded one of these abductions, so who am I? Not yet. Thank you for believing in me, Emily. I've never masterminded one of these abductions. So who am I? Yeah. Not yet.

Thank you for believing in me, Emily. So the rest of the gang pulls up and some of them are surprised that the target is a child. They did not realize. We get the sense that they did not know a lot about this gig, right? Yeah. And particularly Melissa Barrera is upset. She's our moral compass.

Yes. And she's like, I'm upset that this is a kid. Dan Stevens is like a dick and he's like, oh, do you want to leave? I didn't think so. Okay, great. Yeah. That's the dynamic. Melissa Barrera, I call her bangs because I did not know her name before I watched this

movie. Great. So the hacker opens up all the um the locks and everything and they go up to get abigail they hide in her room she comes she goes into her room she's hops up on the bed she's talking to somebody on her little cell phone dan stevens jumps out tries to grab her abigail stabs him with a pencil they manage to inject a sedative bangs injects a sedative into her neck and then they see the father comes home they're like oh shit so they hustle her out of there put her in a bag they put her in a bag they

put her in a bag they're almost gone but then an alarm goes off there are floodlights the hacker unlocks the gates they get abigail into their van and they take off uh they're now all in the van and i guess they just left that other car behind sure same question i i was like now we take one car what about the other like a nice car it was like a nice town car they just left it there paul when you're when you're doing abductions you're gonna do it oh we're learning a lot we're learning you're gonna do it right i'm learning a lot by negative example thank you yeah yeah yes so um they get away and uh they get to another mansion.

And this one is all munstered out, right? Like this place looks like a haunted, it looks like a haunted mansion. Yeah, absolutely. It looks like a haunted house. It does.

And just quickly on the way there, we did Melissa Barrera checks Abigail's vitals to make sure that she's still, she's doing okay. She's only sedated. So that's, we just know now we get character establishment. She has medical knowledge. Yes thank you and dan stevens is a again a huge dick because he was he was gonna punch abigail like a 12 year old girl he stabs in the hand he like we see him like again like i think you should leave style yeah he pulls his hand

back like he's gonna hit her and melissa brera stops him and so back in the car she's like fixing up his little hand stab wound and he says uh he has a fun little accent if you grab me like that again i'm gonna have to respond she's like all right that was really good right did i do a really good job you did a very good job guy accent what's that accent thank you so much he did yeah he's like he's a tough guy and he's also the tough guy accent. Point guy. He's in charge. So, John Carlo Esposito is waiting there for them inside the mansion.

Doing exactly what we expect him to do. 100%. He is playing this role like, you know what this role is? It's like he could do this in his sleep. He's just like, my employer says this and that don't do this don't do that they go in the house john carlos mazzino lays it all out for him here's his list of rules no real names no backstories and i thought this was very generous keep the grab ass to a minimum yeah so you can do a little bit of grab

ass allow a little yes but no names are Some grab ass. Some grab ass allowed. Just give it a little. Yes. But no names and no action words. Just be reasonable about it. Minimal grab ass. Be reasonable. Let's all be grownups, okay? Don't abuse the grab ass privilege.

So he establishes that the only one allowed to see Abigail, to go into the room where Abigail is held, is Bangs, right? So Giancarlo Esposito takes all their phones. He names them all after the rat pack uh frank uh dean joey but uh peter sam and don rickles and sammy and don rickles bangs is still so so what no you what i was gonna say their name it doesn't matter what their names are we're just gonna say it doesn't matter i'm never gonna use their names again it really doesn't yeah it really doesn't matter so let's continue they're hanging never going to use their names again. It really doesn't. Yeah. It really doesn't matter.

So let's continue. They're hanging around, they're hanging around in the bar of the mansion. Bangs is still speculating on who Abigail is. And she's like, she's sort of, you know,

theorizing like this and that. And so Dan Stevens offers her a hundred bucks if she can tell him one true thing about him. And so then Bangs reads all of them Sherlocklock holmes style dan stevens is an ex-cop elon musk is a muscle guy who was bullied as a child hacker was a rich kid

who's only doing crimes for fun the sniper used to be a marine she doesn't want to do angus cloud because he's not a professional criminal but he's probably a sociopath yeah she's like fine you're a sociopath yeah yeah yeah is that what you wanted to hear are you happy and then dan stevens tells bangs he knows she's a junkie and then he says don't fuck with me even though he was the one that started it with a hundred dollar bet offer right she's like this was your idea dude he was testing her he was testing it was it was your idea she's been like literally paying me to do this she's been been sucking on a dum-dum every now and again. She has like a dum-dum and she'll take it out and like re-wrap it and put it in her pocket. This is how he can tell she's a junkie.

You're a junkie. What is that? What drug is that? Junkies love candy. She's not doing the drug. Oh, oh, oh. She's in recovery. Oh, yeah.

She has an oral fixation. These lollipops are preventing her from doing heroin. Why don't they just give junkies lollipops? I'm sure they're out there. And don't make it last. They'll just suck on it a little bit, put it back, save it for later. The dumb ones are small, too. They're like mini lollipops.

You just need one lollipop per junkie and you're good to go that's a visionary political platform give them a blow pop and let them have be set for life oh my god so true tootsie pop get out of here yeah bangs checks out she puts her mask on checks on abigail who is awake she takes off abigail's blindfold well abigail had a blind yeah abigail had a blindfold on and she asked her to take it off. Yes. So she does. And then Abigail says, you know, she's scared.

Bangs reassures her everything's going to be okay. I won't let anyone hurt her. They pinky promise that no one, you know, Bangs is not going to let her down. And Abigail asks Bangs if she has any kids, which is such a weird question for a child to ask. asks Bangs if she has any kids, which is such a weird question for a child. And Bangs says, yes, I have a little boy. Abigail says that her dad lost interest in having a child, doesn't care about her anymore.

She asks Bangs what her kid's name is. And then Bangs is like, I'm not comfortable with that. So it's like another reversal from something. Somebody's willing to go this far. And then they're like, actually, no comfortable with that. So it's like another reversal from something. Somebody's willing to go this far. And then they're like, actually, no, I don't want to do that. So Abigail says, I'm going to call your son, Justin. So Bang starts to leave. And then Abigail says, hey, I'm sorry about what's about to happen to you.

Very scary. And, you know, Bang just like walks out of the room. All right. Cool. And her like tone shifts. She's like been like a little girl. Yeah. Classic little girl stuff coming by your son.

Classic little girl stuff. And then she goes, Joey, I'm sorry for what's about to happen to you. Pretty sinister. Pretty sinister. But again, I know what's going to happen because they told me. We've seen the trailer. Yes. They've told me.

And I wish they hadn't. There's no way you're seeing this movie without knowing anything about it there's no way no unfortunately what on the title alone you're like i gotta see abigail does it all it needs to do yeah so we just got that little nugget so bangs walks up to dan stevens at the bar and dan stevens is housing walnuts he has a pile of walnut shells in front of him that is, it's impressive. Oh, so he's like cracking walnuts. And he's going back for more. He's been sitting there eating walnuts for 10 minutes.

I have so many questions. I have so many questions about this. Like who is eating nuts with the shell on? Like pistachios, I understand. Even peanuts a little bit. But like outside of that, walnuts. Are people actually at home cracking walnuts open? No. He's got the cracker. He's got the cracker. Where did he get

the cracker? Did he bring it? It's a fancy place! This house is stocked of all sorts of weird things. It does feel like either a rich person thing or like a fancy thing. It's like someone who has too much time on their hands. Please have some of my variety of nuts. Yeah. And you got to work to get the nut out.

Yeah. Who has that kind of time? Not for me. Dan Stevens does. I remember when I was a kid that walnuts were treated like a delicacy. That if it was a special occasion, you would have walnuts. And I don't, I never liked them. So I've never bought them. I don't know if they're prohibitively expensive, that they're only brought out at certain times of year they don't taste great they're not because sometimes i buy walnuts instead of pine nuts when i make pesto you can sub out a walnut for a pine nut and a pesto and walnuts are actually more cost effective westo but also you what do you think it's called pesto because of pine nuts?

No, Emily, I'm having some fun. Okay, Paul. Wait, wait, but have you guys seen like in a store, do they sell walnuts with a shell on? Is that a thing you guys see like around town? Yeah, absolutely. Pretty much, somewhere. Around town. Okay, I feel like I don't know.

In that specialty store, perhaps? A road toll. I just am not familiar. It's probably in like a Whole Foods where there's like the bins and you get a little scoop. It's in the bins.

That's where it is. It's in the bins. Chuck it in the bins. Okay. But honestly, it would have to have a really big dispenser. So maybe it's not in the bins.

I don't know, you guys. We gotta get to the bottom of this. Let's keep talking. This is an even better mystery than what the mystery is in this actual movie. It's funny because this isn't the first time that we've talked

about nuts for a long time on the podcast. Nuts are really interesting. I got a lot of nuts. They really are interesting. They're fascinating. You said pile of nuts and my brain went

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Let's zone in on that. Okay. So his tummy's full. Yes. His tummy is full. Bangs wants more info on Abigail, but Dan Stevens says he doesn't have any. And he reiterates he would prefer that Bangs not fuck with him.

Dan Stevens is now curious, but she gets under his skin. Dan Stevens is now curious about Abigail she gets under his skin. Dan Stevens is now curious about Abigail. She gets under his skin. He goes into the room. He doesn't know that the blindfold has been removed. So she's just sitting up in bed and she sees his face. He's like freaking out.

So he points a gun at Abigail's head, makes her turn around. And he asks who her father is. And Abigail reveals that her father is Christoph Lazar. No. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit, shit yeah yeah shit shit shit shit huge now thankfully hacker doesn't know who christoph lazar is so we get to find out too great and he is a terrifying legendary crime lord everybody's freaked out but the money is too much to turn down so they agree to stay the night

which is all they have to do they just have to make it till morning and then they get seven million dollars each so they begin exploring the house to make sure it's secure so bangs finds this huge library that has a gigantic window at the top of the stairs she like opens the curtains which i i think goes against the idea of securing securing that i know it's like wait what about this big ass window? Yeah. That should be more open. Make sure they can see inside. Yeah. We see a weird statue of a little girl and a man in a huge hat.

This hat is big. It is like if Sia was wearing a hat instead of a wig. Oh, wow. Banks is walking around. She finds the sniper in his position on a balcony. And they have like this kind of tense moment and the sniper says let's watch each other's backs and she goes okay they have a tense moment but they also it's they're like they want to fuck gonna fuck yeah yeah that's what i was getting it was like an extremely brief moment of sexual tension and we know that they can do a little bit of grab ass like but they don't want oh great great point did they forget that they have the ability to do the grab ass they

could have done a little bit of grab ass but you know what i bet they were afraid they wouldn't know when to stop the grab ass that's true the boundaries were so confusing it's hard to know where the line is exactly yeah what constitutes a minimum yeah is it one couple can do as much grab ass as they want so long as nobody else does grab ass? Can you do a little bit of grab ass to everybody? Yeah, exactly. You used up all the grab ass.

It's like too hot to handle. They're just like losing money every time many of them grabs ass. Okay. So that, okay. I have a question about the money. What is the, they get seven, what is it? $7 million each?

Why is that? Yeah, we learned earlier that they kidnapped Abigail. She's the daughter, all they know is she's the daughter of a very wealthy man. They're basically trying to get him to pay them $50 million

to get Abigail back. So they think that if they make it through the night, he'll pay them. So it's all hinging on that. Yeah ransom assumption i suppose yes that's what they've been told but then they also have found out that this she is the daughter of this legendary terrifying crime boss yeah he's much worse than they're like let's it's worth the risk it's worth the risk i see so okay the hacker is wandering around she finds a room with a tv turns it on starts watching woody Woodpecker cartoons.

In the pitch dark. In the pitch dark. All the lights are off. Yes. She doesn't even bother changing the channel. She's just like, Woody Woodpecker, that's enough for me. I'm sold. Right.

Like, I'll just turn the TV on. For the next 22 hours, I'm good. Let's park it here. I hope it's a marathon. Suddenly behind her, a lighter flicks on. We see this weird masked figure behind her. It's Ang angus cloud he's still trying to hit on her she gets mad she kicks him out so he wanders back into the bar elon musk has passed out drunk angus takes the time to take out a marker and draw on his face angus uh wanders on find some spooky artwork on the wall it's the little girl to do

with the big hat from the statue in the library, drawn on the wall. I think the hat's even bigger in the mural. It's even bigger! It's really big in the mural. With the statue, it's like, that costs money, you know what I mean? So it's like, you'll get the idea of the hat if I make it this big. You can go as big as you want if you're painting it.

If you're painting it, it's like, yeah, this is a huge hat. So he looks closer, and this girl kind of looks like abigail and he gives a classic angus clout what the fuck then there is a very pedestrian jump scare as angus walks through a kitchen and is startled by a rat he goes to leave then he hears this squish noise and a little squeak he turns around and his feet are grabbed by something we cannot see he starts screaming for help hacker hears this goes looking for him she is able to pinpoint exactly where he was we don't get a lot of like layout of the house they don't spend any time getting us familiar

with this house so it seems like on one hand it's huge but on the other hand they all know exactly where they all are at all times exactly and they're also really good at we'll get into later they call things like i'm on the east i'm in the east wing i'm in this and it's like how on earth would you fucking know that exactly how would you know that i have lived here for two and a half years where's east and west in my house there are some people who know that even if if I knew East and West, I don't know what would constitute a wing or not. Yeah, where's the line? Where's the line? I could say I'm on the east side of the house. Wait, okay.

There was someone's mom in Los Angeles when I lived in Los Angeles who every time I saw her, she would ask me in a playful way, which way is the ocean, Henley? And I was always wrong. I was always wrong. I don't like that at all what fuck off lady bitch had you like made it clear to her you didn't know where the like where did

this come it came from a place where she thought that people who didn't know their directions were actually stupid like she was like yeah she's just like haha henley entertain me by how stupid you yes yes it happened multiple times for me henley well i can only hope that she is dead and in hell how stupid you are. Yes, yes, it happened multiple times. Dance for me, Henley. Well, I can only hope that she is dead and in hell. Who knows? I hope that's not harsh. So,

Hacker finds, she looks around, she doesn't see Angus in this room where he got taken away from. And then she turns around back in the kitchen. There he is,

he's sitting at the kitchen table. She's you fucker and she kicks the chair and then his head falls off onto the ground oh boy there's one head going in the direction it's not supposed to go in and it's like it's not a clean chop oh no his head is like a raggedy chop it's a raggedy chop okay but to to balance the head back on the body for this exact prank is pretty funny yeah she's like that is not bad that's not bad that's pretty good that's pretty good she did a pretty good job because you don't know that she's going to kick the chair but you do know somebody's going to try to move him at one point and yeah yeah yeah that's going to pay off that's going gonna pay dividends yeah that's like an old man planting a tree whose shade he will never enjoy so she screams elon musk comes running in he's got a

dick drawn on his face everyone gathers around they begin to wonder who could have done this it goes away after that he rubs it off yeah what did he draw it with yeah it was not it seemed to be like one of those crayola markers not like a permanent sharpie or something yeah washable so like it's a kind prank it's a kind prank yeah that's nice he's not a bad guy yeah no he's not a bad guy for a sociopath who is now dead and headless so um they're trying to they're trying to figure out who could have done this they're like he looks like a wild animal tore him apart and then some of the crooks all look at each other. And Dan Stevens says, no, I am not going there.

And then Hacker's like, what? And then Sniper tells the story of Lazar's legendary hitman Valdez and how people say his signature move is decapitating people and ripping them apart. He killed someone in a locked room that was like 23 stories up. There was only like a window where you can enter and the hacker says that's bullshit and then dan stevens classic dan stevens turnaround says it's not bullshit and that's not the first time i've heard this story so i guess he is going there so they check on abigail and um sniper says he wants to leave we got to get out of here

he goes to leave and there's now a gate in front of the front door that wasn't there before. Then all of a sudden, big shutter panels start sliding down in front of every door and window. So they are trapped in there. Bangs asks Abigail if anyone has been in the room and asks Abigail if she's keeping any secrets from her. Abigail says, yes, Dan Stevens was in here and he told me that he works for my father and that his name is valdez oh shitster and again perhaps had they not told me every other thing i need to know about this movie i might have thought oh this is this is what the thing is but it's not what the thing is because no that's a great that's a great point absolutely yeah it's not what the thing is because that's a great, that's a great point. Absolutely. Yeah. It's not what the thing is.

Yeah. And I, and I know that. So no part of me is convinced. That's right. So bangs leaves the room. Sniper says, somebody stole my rifle.

Banks tell sniper Dan Stevens is Valdez. They decide to split up. There's they're like, let's watch each other's backs again. We're going to split up and take down the rest of the team one by one they okay great so they turn opposite directions then bangs here's a noise turns around and she sees sniper with her his back to her just kind of standing there he's like swaying a little bit and there's this weird raspy noise happening she goes up to him and she sees there's a big hole in the side of his face where you can see like kind of his teeth showing

through or whatever it's a weird wound it doesn't seem entirely fatal but he is definitely dead he's just standing there on his feet he doesn't realize he's dead yet yeah so he falls down he's gone bangs runs and confronts dan stevens they pull guns on each other she's like i know you're valdez elon musk dan stevens is like hey go beat the shit out of abigail so we can find out what she knows elon musk is like i'm on it so bangs like don't you don't you touch her she chases after him she disarms him immediately before he can hurt her and dan stevens and hacker show up dan stevens points the gun at bangs bangs points her gun at elon abigail is crying you promised no one

would hurt me. Hacker watches as Abigail calmly pulls the handcuff off her hand, like she sort of breaks her own hand and pulls it through the handcuff. Then Abigail stands up on the bed. She goes into a little ballet pose where she covers her face with her crossed arms. Wait, what?

So dramatic. That's a surprise. And then Hacker's like, hey, guys. And then they all look at abigail she throws her arms down and she has huge pointed teeth screeches at them in a classic vampire move okay so they i saw a thing about this about her teeth they wanted it to look like like shark teeth like that was their aesthetic choice for the vampire is like more like a true predator, like a mouth full of shark teeth.

To me, it looked like teeth that were upside down. Interesting. Oh, I can see that. I think it just looked like teeth that had been like filed into points. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she has her sharp teeth and then she has little sharper teeth on top,

like just above those teeth. I have a problem with horror things where they try to go. I understand the pressure is to try to go for an aesthetic that you haven't seen before. But a lot of times that stuff is just dumb and it's illogical. And it's like, well, why, what purpose does this serve? And you know what I mean? It's like, it's not. Like, is she a vampire that's like eating full humans

rather than sucking their blood? Because this is like a mouthful of teeth for like eating. Does she need to shred through these people? Yeah. Yeah, she takes chunks out and then I think drinks the blood. But I think she also just like likes tearing people apart. Yeah. You know?

They really should have hid this. They really should have. They really should have. They really should have. It would have been a huge reveal had they let it be. I wonder. Yeah, I wonder. I mean, the trailer would have to be so completely different. Like you would have to not see her at all.

You also probably should not have named it Abigail because that is immediately a tip that something is up with Abigail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it's tough because it's like you want people to come see your movie yes but if they had if they had like teased it like it's this people are going to come get us from outside the house that like because the beginning like that's what i mean i would have been more scared at the beginning when they're like creeping down dark hallways and stuff and like holy shit someone from outside is going to destroy us and tear us apart like animals there was a way to do it.

But I knew that that wasn't the case. Yeah. But I think that I bet it for the studios and for the filmmakers when they're talking about this, you get so invested in what the hook is of the movie. And you're like, you can't imagine. Well, why would people see this if they don't know this great hook? Right. But yeah, I don't know this great hook right but yeah i don't

know i feel i feel bad because i would almost bet there could have been a different title for this movie and it got changed yeah but who knows or like a different idea for how to market it and they were like no you've got to get bodies and seats yeah yeah yeah anyway you know that's the twist she's fucking and they also are like they're immediately like oh she, she's a vampire, which I, again, if I saw this, I don't think my brain would go vampire. I'd be like, what the fuck is that girl?

You know? She just looks like a wild animal. But they know. It's worth remarking to the movie's credit and also to its detriment that it is not a movie

that vampires don't exist in this universe in pop culture. Yeah. Like they name check a bunch of vampire literature. So, I mean,

that sometimes is, can be kind of annoying if like, we don't know what a vampire is and we're, but I understand. Yeah. But like they do it a lot of times in zombie movies where the idea is we don't know what zombies are. All of a sudden we're dealing with the idea that dead people are coming back

to life. But then it's like in trying to do a cutesy thing where they try to figure out what the rules are of being a vampire, we don't know what the rules are of being a vampire. So we don't, I think you kind of have to know what the rules are in order to know, I don't know.

I get that kind of thing bothers me a little bit. Yeah. At some point, I was getting tripped up on this as well because yeah, I've seen a lot of vampire movies love vampires and i really liked that like self awareness that they have of vampires and they're like well i've seen all these things in movies and like which one is this but like it's never really defined yes in a clear way which one she is and so it just doesn't it it i don't know yeah i was getting confused about what the rules are yeah i didn't know the rules of this vampire yeah which they don't either but i would have

liked to have found out at some point what they were and we kind of do but not in any way that feels like it helps me understand it's just sort of like some things work some things don't we we will see we'll address it as we get there yeah yeah so um she uh abigail jumps on elon musk she's about to bite him dan stevens shoots her in the head there's a huge splatter of blood abigail falls to the floor banks goes to investigate abigail appears to be dead lying face up eyes open bullet wound in her forehead they all stare at her a second then she sits up and people start running out of the room abigail smiles at dan stevens we see her two rows of teeth she wipes the blood off her forehead we see the bullet hole is gone

and she advances on them bang shoots her six times which slows her down enough that they can get out slam the door shut and lock it everyone makes it downstairs bang says we kidnapped a fucking vampire and hacker adds a ballerina vampire, which was maybe the pitch, right? Yeah. It was definitely the pitch because I did see a thing with one of the writers, a quote that he was like, I'm scared of ballerinas. I think ballet is freaky. And so I thought, like, I want to have a ballerina vampire, which is cool.

But the remainder of that quote was like, and I think it'd be a cool Halloween costume. And I was like, that's what you were trying to do. We're trying to make a Halloween costume. Yes, yes, yes. And I wanted you to make a movie. This guy wanted to see adult women dressed as Abigail the ballerina. He wanted a little bit of grassina because children are not watching this movie um there's a fun moment here where they they then are like okay well what do we know about vampire

yeah i was surprised at how quickly she was like she's a vampire i was like all right great yeah what do you know about vampires and one of the jokes the movie that i did really enjoy is elon musk he goes they're not real and i liked that joke because they are yeah that made me laugh he's kind of dumb but not that dumb really yeah so they dan stevens decides we need to kill abigail bangs will not go along with it for some reason i guess she's like it's too risky it's too yeah it's not gonna work she's like this whole thing she's been fucking with us the whole time. Yeah. Because I'm also, at this point, I'm like, how would a door stop her?

You know? So I'm like, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Bangs is like, she's fucking with us. Go try to kill her if you want. It's not going to work. Yeah.

But they decide to go try anyway. Yeah. Dan Stevens, Hacker, and Elon go sharpen some pool cues and and they grab some garlic, and they go into Abigail's room. She's not there. Suddenly, they hear Swan Lake, this distorted version of Swan Lake playing from somewhere in the house. Bangs is checking her gun, and then she stops. She opens up her backpack. More on that later.

So Dan, Hacker, and Elon follow the sound upstairs. They burst into the room, and they find Abigail dancing with Angus's headless corpse. Oh boy. This beautiful dance. She's using like his lifeless hand to cradle her face and stuff. She looks up at them and now she looks like regular old Abigail again. And she's like, what's happening? I'm scared.

And then Hacker runs at her with a stake. Abigail vamps out, jumps on her, knocks her to the ground. hacker runs at her with a steak abigail vamps out jumps on her knocks her to the ground she takes the garlic out of uh hacker's hand and then like takes a big sniff of it and throws it aside then she starts just wailing on hacker just like punching her nice it is the least supernatural thing nice she's just like hammering on her with her fist so So then Elon grabs Abigail, but Abigail manages to knock him down, climbs on top of him. He's been wearing a crucifix around, a gold crucifix around his neck.

She rips it from his neck and then she starts stabbing him like a million times. Oh, wow. Okay, so that doesn't work either. That doesn't work either. The garlic didn't work. Crucifix, no effect, but also crucifix is small, Can't kill him. She's just like

being irritating. Yeah. She's being irritating. It's really irritating what she's doing. So Dan Stevens tries to stake her. Abigail grabs the stake, stabs it right through his thigh. They all leave the room. Abigail's just laughing at them. So they go back

downstairs to Bangs. Bangs says the one thing we know works is the sedative that I gave her earlier. Because I checked her pulse and her breathing was slow and steady. So this vampire has a pulse and can breathe. Great point. This is what I was getting confused about as well. Yes. Undead, I thought, vampires.

That was kind of one of the main things. No heartbeats. And she is full of blood. And no. Well, and she is full of blood. And no blood. Yes, she's full of blood. Is Abigail, is this one of her classic Abigail tricks? We don't know.

Oh. But the movie is telling us at this point it's not. That our characters think it is not a trick. We know for sure that a sedative can knock her out. Maybe it's Renesmee. It's probably- Half human, half vampire.

Half human, half vampire. Great point. Great point. Child. Great point. Absolutely. I think that's got to be it, right? Yeah. Okay.

All right. That makes sense to me. I'll go forward thinking that. I've heard rumors of such children, but okay. So they come up with another brilliant plan. Bang says, let's all split up. Oh, good. And we'll go look for her.

Great. And then if you find her, let me know, and I'll come running with the one sedative that we have. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect idea. Perfect idea. They split up, and they got, like, comms. And this is when they're in different wings of the house being like south wings clear how about the east east looks good and i'm like literally where are you how do you

know this yeah and nobody the idea of just waiting in the one common space with the syringe does not occur to anyone they don't mention this yeah that's they're just like the only thing we can do is all be separate so um they're going around all these spooky rooms, and Hacker finds a credenza in a dusty alcove. She opens it up, but there's nothing in there. But then there's literally a little bat flies through her field of vision, and then some cobwebs, and then somehow one thing leads to another, and she ends up falling into a swimming pool.

Like this is where we don't know where we are in space at all. She opens this thing up. Nothing in there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She's in a pool filled with corpses. There's a bunch of rotting corpses in this swimming pool. And it is, I have to say, truly disgusting. This is truly disgusting.

It is viscous. What's happening in there is thick. There's no way around it. This is truly disgusting. It is viscous. What's happening in there is thick. There's no way around it. This is viscous. So this is her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She's just tossed them into this pool. It's a lot of bodies. It's a lot of bodies.

But like bodies, not like skeletons. That's the thing that gets me. And viscous fluids. Gross. So Elon is now alone in the hallway hallway he's worried about a splinter in his finger when abigail creeps out of the shadows this this was genuinely funny to me she does a little and then he turns around and sees her so he goes screaming and as he's as he runs away, he's going, a vampire, a vampire.

As if this is new information. That's great. That's great. I love that. As if he is the first one to discover the vampire. If he could just change his name and change his face, this guy would be doing great. Absolutely. I love everything else he's bringing to the table.

Absolutely. His name might as well be Elon Dusk, right? If you want to confuse people, really go for it. So now, speaking of locked doors, he gets away, goes into a room, and he locks the door behind him. For a moment, he thinks he's safe. Abigail just crashes through the door, right? So she could have gotten out of that locked door whenever she wanted to she's fucking with them she's fucking with them now she chases him and she's doing little ballet moves as she goes right so she's doing right she's doing pirouettes

this is where we get the vampire ballerina in all its glory okay okay so he runs down the end of a hallway. Dan Stevens opens his door and knocks Elon over a railing. He falls a long way down to the floor. Abigail starts. She jumps up on the banister and she starts ballet style at Dan Stevens. He runs down the stairs. Abigail's jumping from landing to landing right behind him. And then she just shoves him and he falls the rest of the way down the stairs. And she jumps on top of him and grabs him by the neck.

She's going to choke him. And then Bangs tries to jab her. Abigail knocks the syringe away, lands behind the great gate in the doorway. Abigail starts choking Dan Stevens. Hacker grabs her. Abigail bites Hacker on the arm. Abigail grabs Dan Stevens' foot. She her. Abigail bites Hacker on the arm. Abigail grabs

Dan Stevens' foot. She starts slowly levitating, and he's like, what the fuck? She's flying! Then Elon flying tackles her, holds her down, and Bangs is struggling to reach the syringe under the grate. She finally grabs it, jabs Abigail, and then this is, I think,

the first really fun moment we get with Abigail, where she says you fucking bitch I'll kill you fucking fucks I'll rip your fucking heads off and gorge myself on your blood and then she passes out so she's being her real self we get to see her real self for a moment she's being full on vampire

unfiltered yeah Abigail unfiltered so Hacker is scared of whatever is going to happen to her since she got bit. I liked this. Nobody knows if she's going to. I liked the like, what's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to me?

That was pretty funny to me because like, he wouldn't know. Yeah. Yeah. That can't be good. The rules are not defined. We have established we don't know. That's right. And sometimes it's fun to not know.

You know what I mean? I love to not know. Sometimes. And sometimes it's fun to not know. You know what I mean? I love to not know. Sometimes. So Abigail comes to, she's in the cage of the elevator,

in the old-fashioned elevator in the basement, and they try to make a deal with Abigail. She says, no, I'm not making any deals with you. Hacker asks if she's going to turn into a vampire, and Abigail says, maybe. Abigail reveals that she brought them all together. She masterminded this whole thing. She starts rattling off their real names and their backstories,

which all include some transgression against her father's crime family. Okay. So Bang says to Abigail that she knows Abigail was... Bang says to Abigail, I know you were telling the truth when you said her father has lost interest,

that your father's lost interest in you. And that you're doing all this to win your father's love. And it's never going to happen. I don't know how she has this insight into Abigail. But this is like. We've been fucking with her this whole time. Really confusing. She reads people.

She reads people. Because, yeah, that's her whole thing they established in the beginning. It's a mother's intuition. She's like so good at reading people. But she bought Abigail's bullshit harder than anyone for the first 30 minutes. Exactly. But maybe what she's really seeing is a side of Abigail that is real that the rest of them are not. I'm back on board.

Which is to say the wounded daughter. Okay. But isn't Abigail also Valdez, like his most serious muscle? Yes, Of course. Is she actually his daughter? Is my main question. We'll learn that yes. Okay.

She is a vampire daughter of a vampire crime lord. So she's a granddaughter. She's what? A granddaughter. I thought you said a grandpire. Grandpire so she's a grandpire i wish i said that everyone just rewind and say grandpire and put grandpire in. If you're a new parent, a bad day means you either ran out of coffee, diapers,

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That's nakedwines.com slash too scary for six bottles of wine for $39.99. So, um. Oh, well, when Abigail is, well, Abigail is saying everything that she knows about all of them. Yes. And she does say two things. She's like, you got dishonorably discharged from the army. You were a medic. You got discharged because you were shooting up Uncle Sam's morphine.

And I know you have a son and that you abandoned him and um yeah so now we learn like she doesn't she's not with her son she's like an absentee mother yeah yeah okay which she feels obviously very badly about and that's what prompts bangs to say, oh, you think you can read me? Let me tell you the one thing that I decided is true about you from before. But then she quickly abandons that line of thought and says, this is all just a game to you,

which that's so Abigail can say, what can I say? I like playing with my food. Oh God. Which I, I mean, she's not playing with your food age though you know what i mean like she's ostensibly 12 years old in a 12 year old body kids don't play with their food at 12 years

old so not worth it gang so abigail says i tell you what if one of you lets me out i will let that person live elon simple elon goes for it. Bangs, shoots him and wounds him. Bangs and Hacker and Elon go upstairs to patch Elon up. Now it's just Dan Stevens with Abigail. Dan Stevens says, tell me how to get out of here. Maybe I'll let you out. She's okay, but you have to let me out immediately after I tell you. Abigail tells him and then he starts to leave.

And Abigail, of course, just smashes the door off its hinges. She could have gotten out any time. Yeah, she was never actually trapped. The whole time. No. Everything she does is fun for her. So she jumps on Dan Stevens, bangs runs in, starts smashing some boards covering a window. That lets

some sunlight in. The light falls on Abigail's arm which causes her arm to explode. And she's screaming and looking at this stump and Abigail scrambles out of the light she watches a new hand starts to and forearm starts to grow out of the stump they run out and they get in the library where there's sunlight coming through that big window hacker tests the sunlight with her finger it has no effect on her so like okay great i'm not a vampire then hacker realizes

wait i can reset the security system if we can find it. If we can find like the power center of the house, I can reset everything. That'll, you know, unlock all the gates. We can get out of here. So again, they have to split up. I've never seen so much splitting up in one horror movie. This is like a record. Gotta stop, guys. Gotta stop.

And also that this many people are still alive is kind of wild at this point in the movie. I know. Yeah. We are, again, I just want to like hammer home because it is, I think the one thing this movie is like trying to do is that we do have a moment, you know, we're all sort of, we're coming together, we're being friendly with each other.

Sammy, oh, that's Hacker's name, is like being really kind to Bangs and saying like, you know, was it true that you left your son? And she's like, yes, but I'm going to, with the money from this job, I was going to go and get my son back.

And like, I've gotten clean and I'm like on the up and up. And Dan Stevens is like, no, you're not. Like everybody needs to be a fucking victim and you're just a shitty mom and you have to admit it to yourself. So just like at every turn,

he's just being a huge dick. Oh man. Just a huge dick. And I just feel like. So just like at every turn, he's just being a huge dick. Oh, man. Just a huge dick. And I just feel like. Which is like at this point, would you really be that concerned with getting your fucking digs in? Yeah, jabs in. Supernatural entity is hunting you down. He's a bad man.

There's been nothing will cause character development with this man. Nothing. He's petty. He's a petty bitch. No growth. Got it. Yeah. So. He's a petty bitch. No growth. Got it. Yeah. They should have named it Petty Bitch.

They named it Petty Bitch. Petty Bitch would be, it works for so many things. Petty Bitch? Petty Bitch as a horror title is so good. It's just about Dan Stevens. That's all the marketing is Dan Stevens. That's right. And then you go to the scene.

People trapped in a house with a petty bitch having a bad night. It's just a bad night being an asshole to everybody and that's the trailer get bloodier over the course of the trailer it's like i gotta see what happens yeah what the fuck's going on and then you go and you see this incredible fucking marketing that was this guy torturing them by being petty all right so abigail puts on her famous swan lake record again she starts physically communicating with hacker like psychically communicating with hacker right and so now she's like a a puppet that abigail is remotely controlling from another from her music room in the house and so hacker

vamps out she attacks elon and uh she kills him she's covered with blood now, fangs, all this shit. She's got the blue eyes. Hacker tells the team, like, I'm in the South Wing. Come get me. Great. And they get there so fast. They're like, South Wing, I know exactly where that is. I know exactly how to get there. And I will be there in one moment.

It does take them enough time that Abigail and the Hacker are able to do a simultaneous interpretive dance to Blood and Tears by Danzy. They do a dance. That's right. That is true. I forgot about that. Oh, I'm back in. I'm back in, baby. It's kind of a fun scene.

And there's like a little bit of sunlight in the room. So there's like a little bit of smoke coming off of hacker's arms. And it's kind of, it's well shot. It's really kind of neat. That's hot. So they show up and she runs back over turns her back to them and um she's like okay i'm a vampire she chases after them yeah she she tries for like two seconds to convince them that she's normal like abigail's doing such a good job at

the beginning of being like i'm a real little girl and then and then when she's puppeteering because it's like we sort of hear abigail's voice through her voice that's how we know it's like it's not actually her anymore it's abigail and she's like oh oh no he's dead oh no and it's like why even why even do that it's literally one one page of dialogue it's like this didn't need to be in there so she turns around and chases them and uh they're they're running away they run into the library again. They get into the sunlight. Hacker runs at them. And I guess she's going to take her chances.

Or I guess she realizes that the sunlight can't hurt her even, I guess, because if Abigail is, who fucking knows. So bangs just picks up a silver serving platter and bounces the sunlight off of it onto Hacker who literally explodes. Explodes.

Loved it. Like she doesn't, she doesn't turn to dust. She doesn't like burn up. She explodes. So there's some viscous stuff. I feel like that's their, that's their thing.

The, the, these directors, they like, that is where they planted their flag. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

So yeah, that's true. Yeah. They're standing there and then a bookcase just creaks open and like a secret passageway yeah yeah and dan stevens looks at it he says what the fuck else are we gonna do which is as good an explanation as any so they absolutely go into the secret passage which is 100 a trap there's no way around it yeah there's like no other thing it could be it's just yeah this is a trap and they even say that that yeah like bangs is like this is a trap and then he's like what the fuck else we're gonna do and you know what we gotta walk into that trap sure yeah sure so they walk into the secret passage we hear what seems to be recording of their conversation from when they were first hanging out in the bar.

So it looks like they found the control center for the house. Giancarlo Esposito is there. He's looking at a bunch of screens with his back to them. They rush at him. He turns around. Guys, he's a vampire. Oh, my God. I had a little moment.

Joel and I watched this and I was like, ooh, wouldn't it be fun if Giancar suzito like isn't a bad guy and then he immediately turns around has a mouth full of teeth and i was like no yeah okay yeah for sure let's do this and he's he's got different vampire teeth which are a little different long vampire teeth and they have uh sort of um like what i'm trying to describe there's like a tool i'm thinking of that look like his teeth are like the end of a crowbar oh right there's like a little yeah yeah yeah so they have two little edges two little points on them instead of just one fascinating so um he says okay look uh he grabs bangs by the throat pushes her up against the wall and he says to dan stevens okay look i was working with you we both fucked over lazar our boss i'll make a deal with you you help me kill abigail i can't kill her alone

you help me kill her and then we'll take over everything we'll kill lazar and then take over everything yeah because he's like abigail turned me into a vamp they found out that i was working against them yes abigail turned me into a vampire and I have to like, all I do is bring people to this mansion for her to kill. And I'm fucking over it. And so I'm going to, let me turn you into a vampire. Then we can kill her. Oh. And then we can take over and it'll be great.

Pretty loose plan. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And Dan Stevens says, what the fuck? Bite me. Ha ha ha ha! So, Giancarlo Esposito bites him. He's drinking his blood.

Then he does the classic, like, this is where it's like, some vampire lore is true, some is not. Like, the sunlight can hurt them. You don't just bite somebody in their turn of the year. You have to feed them, as we've seen in, you know, like, the interview with the vampire, whatever. So, he's now a vampire he he collapses to the floor he vomits blood for i'm gonna say a very long time too long just like shooting out of his mouth for minutes like team america style style uh uh what bangs is like on the floor she was knocked out but now she starts to come to john carlo esposito sees her and says oh you're still with us hey check out it's your first victim uh dan stevens and then dan stevens stakes john carlo esposito with the sawed-off pool cue oh john carlo Esposito completely explodes.

So we know that stakes work. So that one works too. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So really, it's just garlic doesn't do anything and crucifixes don't do anything. Yeah.

Everything else, exactly what we expect for vampires. Great. So he says, okay. He says, that's for setting me up, you undead prick. Yeah. Great line. I'm sure that will be in the quote section in IMDb for this film. I'm sure.

So then Dan Stevens turns on Bangs. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Abigail shows up. She runs at Dan Stevens. He grabs her, bites her on the neck. Bangs takes this opportunity to reset the alarm system, releases all the shutters, and she runs back down the secret passageway. She grabs her cell phone from before. She knew where they were.

Oh, that's right. I forgot. This part really made me laugh, so we do need to- She really instantly knows how to open the gates and to grab her cell phone. Wait, her cell phone worked that whole time? Wait, what?

But it was confiscated at the beginning. They took their cell phones at the beginning. Okay. And she finds it and she takes it and all is well. Yes. So she grabs her phone. She gets to the bookcase. The bookcase is now the only thing that's locked in the house.

Okay. Okay. So she slumps down against the wall. She calls her son. Oh, boy. Her son fucking, I cannot believe they did this. I cannot believe they did this i cannot believe they did this she calls the son answers it goes hello and then she goes caleb it's mommy and then her son goes ha i tricked you it's caleb leave a message at the sound of the beat that's really funny that's

actually really funny i can't believe they fucking did that wait petty bitch works in so many ways like there's so many petty bitches just keeps working petty bitch contains multitudes caleb is also a petty bitch she leaves him a nice message okay no she leaves him what I believe is a deeply traumatizing voicemail to receive. Can you fucking imagine? She is out of breath, crying, and tells him, you're the one good thing I ever did in my life.

I just want you to know. Just want you to know. It's like, there's no way you listen and say, oh, that was nice. I hope I get to see my mom soon. From your estranged drug-addicted mother. Awful. Yeah, not a nice thing to do to see my mom soon. From your estranged, drug addicted mother. Yeah. Awful. Yeah. Not a nice thing to do to your son at all.

So then Dan Stevens saunters up and bangs tries to stake him, but he slams her arm into the wall, which opens up the bookcase. Okay. He throws her all around the room, smashing her into a million fucking things. Yeah.

He has crazy vampire strength now. He's loving it. Earlier he was like, oh, I feel fucking great. He loves this shit. He's loving it. Earlier he was like, oh, I feel fucking great. He loves this shit. He's having the time of his life. This is another part that just really lost me. It's like, why is he so mean?

Yeah. I mean, I guess it's like now he's- He was mean the whole time, but now maybe he's like vampire mean. Yeah, it's just like ramped up, I guess, because he's a vampire now. Yeah, so it's like being drunk where it exaggerates his existing personality and i feel like to me i'm like i think i think if you're dan stevens the legendary actor dan stevens who can do no wrong in my mind except that you no perfect you he could do no wrong he feels fucking great he's from queens baby um i think you read this this scene and you're like i'll do the movie you know like i think he's always just trying to do

something very different he's trying to have some fun exactly exactly yeah i'll do this i don't i can appreciate i don't blame anyone for doing this movie. No, I'm sure it was super fun. Yeah. There's a lot of fun stuff in it. It's not... Okay. Anyway, so speaking of which, the vampire's strength is something that comes and goes over the next 10 minutes, where sometimes the vampire can throw you

like you are a ping pong ball. Other times, if you just kind of push him a little bit, he's like, he's, you got him. He's thrown her all around. He says, you're going to be my little puppet.

He bites her, throws her down to the ground. You're going to be my puppet. I'm going to make you, I'm going to take you to your son and I'm going to make you kill him. Yeah. Whoa. That's too mean. That's too mean. Wild. That's what I'm talking about. you to your son and I'm going to make you kill him. Yeah. Whoa. That's too mean.

Which is. That's too mean. Wild. That's what I'm talking about. So mean. He was petty bitch before, but this is next level petty bitch. This is beyond petty bitch. This is not what I signed up for.

I thought I was going to see a movie with some petty bitchiness. Not this. The marketing is still wrong. But for real, it is. That's a little too far. You know what I mean? It's too far. And it's like, why? Yeah, there's no

reason. There's no motivation. That wasn't fun. No. He's like, okay, now pick up that steak. Go kill Abigail. Abigail comes back again. She's down but not out. Abigail has gathered her strength.

She says, if you want to kill me, you have to drain me. So she does have blood and you have to drink all of it. She says, if you want to kill me, you have to drain me. So she does have blood and you have to drink all of it. She tells him. She tells him. This is the way to kill me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want to kill me, you have to drain me.

She wants to go. She's ready. So we know. We know. So he bites her. They have a big fight. As she is being drained, she holds out her pinky to Bangs. Remember the pinky swear.

For some reason, Bangs is moved by this. Well, she also, Abigail, before, so Dan Stevens throws Bangs on the ground. Then he has to take a little while to, he's like taking his time to come back down to her. Abigail comes in, not dead. Abigail says to Bangs, hey, let's you and me kill him.

I'm too weak to do it on my own. You and me should tag team. We'll kill Dan Stevens, and then I'll let you go. Yeah, which why would you believe that? And this movie at this point is like, are we supposed to believe it? So then Abigail attacks him again.

He seems fine, by the way. He seems, oh no, she seems fine. She seems just as strong as she was before. It's not like he's overpowering her at all. So they have a big fight. And then eventually he, like, throws Abigail down to where she breaks her neck. She, like, does this sort of sickening backwards somersault.

Her neck cracks. Bangs attacks. Dan Stevens with what I believe is a fireplace poker. Yes, it is. I couldn't tell if it was. Okay, great, great, great, great I believe is a fireplace poker. Yes, it is. I couldn't tell if it was. Okay, great, great, great, great. I wrote down fire poker. I wrote down fire poker.

But he grabs it from her. He runs it through her shoulder and then pins her to a wall with it. Then he goes to Abigail and starts draining her completely, trying to drain her completely. She holds out her pinky to bangs, but bangs can't do anything. Dan pulls bangs off the wall around the poker. The poker is still stuck in the wall.

Yeah. He gives up. He stops trying to drain Abigail, which again is the thing she told him he needs to do. Yes. But he's like, I don't want to keep doing that. I guess I'm full.

And so he goes back to yeah bangs and he pulls her off of the am i not a petty bitch i'm gonna take time out of draining you that's true he is a lady through a fireplace poker do it but he decides he wants her to kill abigail because that's more fun for him yes okay so abigail comes back okay Okay. So Dan Stevens thinks bangs is his puppet. He says, go kill Abigail. We already know how to kill Abigail. This ain't it. Bangs has been pretending.

She turns around, attacks Dan Stevens. Yes. Why would the vampire stuff also not work on Abigail? Like, couldn't you stab her with a stake and wouldn't that work? I guess because she's 200 years old. Right, right. She's too old and i guess because she's 200 years old right right she's too old and powerful powerful all right powerful yeah it's powerful so um she attacks dan stevens instead abigail comes back again and she together she and bangs drive the stake into

dan stevens and guess what he explodes bigger than anyone has ever exploded i mean it knocks both of them back wow several he did try to drain her twice so he's got a lot of blood that he's that's true he's just ingested he's like a tick so bangs bangs you know it's like they're both catching their breath because abigail can breathe remember and so bangs like checks her fire her poker wound and it's gone and she turns to abigail is like am i and abigail's like no now that he's dead you're fine okay she's not gonna become a vampire because he died her like line to dan stevens as she's killing him because he thought that he was able to control bangs. Right.

Was like, one thing to know about vampires, takes a long fucking time to learn all the cool shit. He was already flying around the room. Yeah, absolutely. Like he was doing most of the stuff except for just this one thing, the puppet thing. Well, he couldn't do it in ballet, presumably. Ballet. Ballet is the next thing. That takes the same amount of time to learn for everybody, vampire or not. Yeah, that's not a vampire thing.

That's just hard work and dedication. You just have to put in your 10,000 hours. Absolutely. Yeah. So I want to say this. This was an unexpected delight in this movie, is that now Bangs is covered with blood. And it really made her eyes pop. Like her eyes looked gorgeous.

Oh, beautiful eyes. Yeah. I will say a final girl drenched in blood and like sweaty who's been through it. Always loving. It's always going to work. And she, it's a great aesthetic for her. It works. It's like having a dark tan.

You know what I mean? She looked gorgeous. She looks incredible. She looks amazing never looked better so now abigail says i'm gonna let you go and for what it's worth he says i hope you get your son back go find your son for what it's worth all you have to do is just show up wow giving her parenting advice wow that's meaningful. Shit, that hit me right here. Right in the feels. Wow. Words to remember.

Wow. And then the movie is almost over, but it's not because Abigail's father, Lazar, shows up. He comes home. He is played by, surprisingly, Matthew Goode. I did not know he was in this movie. It's always nice to see him. Extremely last minute hot dad. Didn't see it coming.

Like the latest cameo you can imagine. Yeah, right at the finish line. Yeah, love this. God, just get it in. Love to see him. One thing that's really funny, since it is an actor you know from other things, it is funny to see him trying to cover his fake teeth

with his lips. He's got this, you know that's not what his face looks like, but he walks in like. That was like an, they didn't think of the side effect of like, well, if we give them two rows of teeth, where are they going to fit in their mouth? I did notice that. Everybody looks like Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody. What? The hacker, she was like talking like she had her mouth full of peanut butter.

Like it was like she couldn't figure out how to talk around the teeth in a way that i was like it was a lot it was a lot so he um you know is obviously like oh i'm gonna kill this lady i'm gonna drink the shit out of her blood and then abigail's like no father don't do it dad you were you didn't show up for me come on you're you could you're the worst whoa bang showed up for me bang showed up for me. Come on. You're the worst. Whoa. Bang showed up for me. Bang showed up for me. Exactly. She does say that. Wait, why wasn't he wearing a really big hat?

Why wasn't he wearing a really big hat? Why wasn't he wearing a really big hat? Yes. The fuck? What the fuck? Why wasn't he? And we're trying to make Halloween costumes. You bring in the big hat. I want want to say even at the very beginning when the father shows up at the mansion we see him

in the distance he's wearing a fucking hat oh my god yeah what happened unbelievable also what a better reveal of an actor of a well-known actor than to have a big giant hat that you take off yeah you know what i mean oh it's very Kate Winslet. This is a huge beginning of Titanic. Maybe on the day he was like, No, no. They put it in post. It's just like an AI hat

like floating in front of his face. Do you think there's a hat cut that exists? Henry Cavill in Superman. Show us the hat cut, you cowards! They just put it in. They're dragging and dropping it and then it turns like,

ooh, a little to the left. So he, like, looks at Abigail, who is not looking like a vampire, and the way he looks at her, it seems to indicate

that she is not a vampire anymore. That Dan Stevens has, like, drained her of being a vampire. Oh, okay oh did you get that guys no nope oh because he looks at her and like this very appraising way oh i think he almost says like oh i see or something like that because we never see her as a vamp again true interesting

okay so he kisses bangs on the hand and like gets a little free blood off her hand. And then says, like he's barely controlling himself. And he says, you have to leave now because it's almost dinner time. Which I think means he's going to re-bite Abigail and re-turn her into a vampire. Oh. Okay. Interesting. And spend more time with her now. And spend more time with her.

And be a better dad. He's trying to get a second chance. And spend more time with her now. And spend more time with her. And be a better dad. He's trying to get a second chance. And watch her dance. Maybe he was looking at her going, I can tell you've been dancing. You've been dancing. Instead of her just having to tell him on the phone, yeah, it went great.

Which actually did happen. No one was there, but it went pretty great. I had to turn on the fucking spotlight myself. That's so sad. Someone turning off the spotlight as they leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fanny's leave. She staggers out, gets in the van.

Guess what? There's a dum-dum waiting for her in there. She unwraps it, puts it in her mouth, drives away. The end. That was Abigail. No post-credit sequence we're free whoa what was that movie about what did you learn it's about parent parenthood it is it's

about parenting it's about childhood it's about the nature of dance monstrous parents make monsters wow that's it that's what it is yeah yeah i'm sorry the listeners that we didn't love it i know we don't like it when we don't love the movie either yeah it's not our favorite i really wanted to like this because the trailer really looked fun there is some fun stuff in this movie but it's yeah it it lacks the cohesion of a fully formed universe. You know what I mean? When there's too many things where you're wondering like, okay, now they can just do that. Or now he's strong now, but not strong now. Like that kind of stuff, it really, it nags at you and it takes you out and it really lets you down.

Yeah. I agree. it really lets you down. Yeah. I agree. And, and being a big fan of ready or not. And the scream movies that they directed was also like, I had high hopes going in.

Cause I was like, these are fun directors that do fun stuff. And there is a lot of fun in there, but yeah, there just wasn't enough for the almost two hour runtime for me to be like on board the whole time. That's a long time. Almost two hours.

Yeah. Hour 45. It's also a fun cast. It's a long time. Almost two hours. Yeah. Hour 45. It's also a fun cast. It's a fun cast. I really like the cast. Yeah. I like gathering the crew. I think that they just

It is so funny. had more fun. The trope of like like that out there in the world are just people with very individual skills that you know how to call upon. I'll never get over that.

Yeah. And there's a montage. There's always a montage. Taking that, there was no montage in this. There was no, see, and maybe that's part of the problem because the crew was already gathered. Oh, you need to gather the crew. We started the movie with the crew all there already. They already rented separate cars.

We never came back to the walnut cracking. Did we come back to the walnuts? We never came back to that. Where did he get them? At a normal store or a specialty store did he bring his own this this haunted house i feel like was very well stocked for as much as it seemed like nobody had been inside it 100 years that a fully stocked bar a working television i think the walnuts were just there for guests probably there for guests yeah, because Giancarlo Esposito says like, we have everything here for you

to last the night. Just please keep the grab ass to a minimum. That's all I ask. There was also zero grab ass. Zero! There could have been more. Come on, man! Let me see some grab ass. If you're gonna bring up grab ass and tell me there can be some

and then give me none? You can't. I mean, Chekhov is rolling over in his grave. If you introduce grab ass in the first act. Chekhov's grab ass. We gotta see some. Was this a PG-13 or an R film? It must have been an R because there was tons of

R because of how much explosion. There was a lot of blood. I did see a trivia that they say the word fuck like 244 times which I do many times 244 it's crazy I watched I watched it with Joel the other night and then I watched it again today to take notes and I'd seen

that trivia in between and it didn't register with me as much watching it organically but after I saw that trivia and I was rewatching it so I was like Jesus Christ you guys this is too much fucking hell fucking hell. Fucking hell, those fucks. Jesus, fucking, fucking hell with that word.

Fucking bullshit. I'm definitely dressing May up in that next October. Oh my God, please dress May up as Abigail. People say, who is she? And I go, Abigail. And they go, that's perfect okay you have to do it now you said it you have to do it your word is your bond this has been this has been broadcast my head explodes that would be a surprise that would be fun that would be a surprise

paul thank you paul thank you so much thank you Thank you for including me in Hellchella. I'm honored every time you ask. Oh my goodness. Hellchella would not be Hellchella without you. Simply true. And can you, before we leave, tell our listeners, if you have anything to plug, anything going on. Yes, please. going on yes please i am uh doing my variety show varietopia on sunday july 14th at lodge room in highland park sunday at 7 p.m july 14th great and it is being live streamed to the world so you can

go to you can come in person if you're in the la area or go to paulftompkins.com slash live for uh both in-person tickets and streaming tickets and i want to reassure people these streams are actually good. We have a great company that we're working with. It's like a five-camera shoot. The sound is great. We've all been burned by shitty live streams at live venues.

This one is actually, it's not like just a camera in the back of the room. It is actually good video and audio. Where you're like, who's who? Yeah, exactly. But yeah, paulftompkins.com slash live. Thank you. Thank you.

And our live show is also on July 14th, but great news, they don't conflict. Ours is at 4.30, so you can do both. No problem. That's right. You can do both. What a day. Honestly, that is a perfect day. That's a perfect day.

No notes. What more could you ask for? You know what? I think both of our streams, you can buy it and then watch it for up to a week afterwards. So you don't have to watch it that day. No. No, you got nothing but time. Well, you have a week, so you got nothing but one week. Win, win, win,

win, win. I mean, we're having the summer of our lives. Hellchella. Summer of our lives, Emily. Hellchella forever. Hellchella forever. Wait, what's the next lineup for Hellchella? What are we watching next? Our next episode is going to be The First Omen, which is free streaming.

So you can take it off. I thought the original Omen, but now I remember that there's a movie called The First Omen. Yes, it's a little confusing. It's not The First Omen. It's The First Omen. It's The First Omen. It's the first Omen. It's the first Omen.

Yeah. It's the first Omen. It is the first one chronologically, but not the first in order of release date. It is the Omen prequel people have been asking for. Yeah. That's right. They're begging for it. We've got to give the people what they want.

And I watched it, and I liked that one. So don't worry, guys. That one. Oh, really? Great. I really liked it. Yep. I look forward to it. So don't worry, guys. That one. Oh, really? Great. I really liked it. Yep. I look forward to it. Hell yeah.

I'm excited. And yes, again, apologies that Abigail wasn't our favorite, but we had a good time. There's fun to be had. I loved it. Absolutely. We had a good time.

And if you are listening to this currently on your regular podcast feed, know that you can also watch it as a video in perpetuity on our Patreon. Yep, that'll stay up there. Throughout the known universe. That'll stay up there. Wow. I didn't even know that. Yep. And

Emily, do you want to close us out with that beautiful accent? Yes, with my perfect Dan Stevens impression? Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. What does he fucking say in this movie? He can say you're already in it. You're already in it. Don't fuck with me,

because I'll know. Don't fuck with me. From all of us here at Too Scary Didn't Watch, goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

We did it. We made it. Thank you all for listening to another episode of Too Scary Didn't Watch. If you enjoy the show, please remember to subscribe and rate us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Five stars only or we will haunt you. And if you simply can't get enough of us,

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That was a HeadGum podcast.