Too Scary; Didn't Watch - ARMY OF DARKNESS with Evan & Andrew Gregory

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

Bruce Campbell's drinkable chin, sexy one-liners and gorgeous chainsaw arm make for a...perfect film? This week we're recapping Sam Raimi's ARMY OF DARKNESS, the third installment in the EVIL DEAD series, with help from Evan and Andrew Gregory (Punch Up The Jam and Viral Youtube hits like "It's Corn!")!! Can Evan redeem himself after his Human Centipede episode? We doubt it, but tune in to find out! TRAILER Recap starts @ 45:09 Follow the show: @TSDWpodcast on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram. Check out our Patreon for bonus episodes and additional content! Rate Too Scary; Didn’t Watch 5 Stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Emily, Henley, and Sammy. Advertise on Too Scary; Didn't Watch via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is Emily, Henley, and Sammy, and you're listening to Too Scary, Didn't Watch. Hi everyone, welcome to Too Scary, Didn't Watch, the horror movie recap podcast for those too scared to watch for themselves. I'm Emily and I am too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Henley and I'm also too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Sammy and I love watching scary movies, so I watch them so that you don't have to. And we've got a fun one for you today. But before we get into it, we have a little bit of haunted housekeeping

haunted housekeeping which is that we have a live virtual show this upcoming weekend december 3rd i can't believe it's so soon i know as you listen as you listen if you're listening and when the episode comes out this this very weekend so soon this very weekend uh 6 p.m pacific 9 p.m eastern and we will be recapping the menu emily and i saw it this weekend and we did or last weekend if you're listening to it comes out uh we have some thoughts about it i'm excited to talk about it i can't wait to hear yeah well and we're going to talk about it but we're also all going to be in one same room the very same physical space henley's going to be in la we're gonna talk about it but we're also all gonna be in one same room the very same physical space henley's gonna be in la we're gonna be together we haven't been all together in

months i can't wait and i'm very very excited i need to do some outfit planning you guys it's it's a big deal planning it's a huge deal i've decided i think i will be Giving you guys your Christmas Presents on air Mainly just because Like I said last week I Ordered all my Christmas gifts in an absolute frenzy And they've started arriving and I've got to get them out I got to get them out I got to give them to you

You got to check things off your list baby And so you know I'm excited about that as well It's going to be great and if you would like To see all of this, you can get tickets at moment.co slash TSDW. And that's the link. And that's the whole link. There's no more letters to type in. That's it.

Okay. Did anything scary happen to us this week? Well, you guys might be able to tell from my voice, but I am sick. And so I am um, I'm feeling a little under the weather. My, I have a cold and I think the main thing I wanted to ask you guys, just get your opinions on is, um, where, where does everyone stand with Afrin here? Huh? So glad you're so glad you asked. I been dying to talk about it I gotta say I love it It's the spray up your nose stuff right

Yeah it's good stuff I also love it I've never used it Can you believe Is this the thing though that people were like Breathing in and it was making them Like really Bad like it was doing bad things Well kind of bad things i hope not like making

them lose their ability to smell like killing no that was something else you know what it could there was a vicks vapo rub version of it i don't think that had necessarily bad things either it might have been that i know somebody who like lost their ability to smell for like several months because of a nasal spray but i think it's been taken off the market. Anyway, what's up with Afrin? That's what I'm going to need to Google that real quick. Um, no, just that I, you know, when you are sick, you have a cold, you go to bed, it's miserable, right? Because you can't breathe out of your nose. So my solution forever and always, ever since I discovered it as, you know, probably too early to be using it. I, you know, use Afrin for a few nights. It clears up the sinuses. You can sleep. It's fine.

Too early to be using it. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like I was probably using Afrin when I was like 10 years old. Do you know what I mean? Oh, too young. Like you started too young. Yeah, I see. I see. But they've always said, and my brother refuses to use it because he always says that it's like, makes it worse. It makes your sinuses more swollen. It's going to like do more long-term damage. He's like militant worse. It makes your sinuses more swollen. It's going to like do more long term damage. He's like militant about not using it. I've like heard these things about eye drops, too.

They make your eyes more red, more dry. Chapstick also. Oh, my God. People. Oh, my God. People with chapstick. I swear to God, you're going to make it so that your lips can't do it themselves. And it's like my lips are chapped.

Let me use fucking chapstick. People are so. Yeah. My lips are chapped. Let me use fucking chapstick. People are so... Look, yeah, you're also not supposed to wash your body or wash your hair because you're like inhibiting the natural oils to do... We live in a society where it's okay to shower and use chapstick and use afrin if you want. That's right. All of a sudden, I'm worked up. Okay, well, oh, no, no, no. But this is a scary thing is that I'm worried it's coming full circle, you guys.

I'm worried that the Afrin is actually doing, doing me dirty. I'm worried that's making everything worse. Like it's making my cold last longer. I'm worried it's making my sinuses more swollen. I'm just, I'm starting to think that maybe I've reached the end of the road with Afrin and it really makes me like in your life it's like this is a sad goodbye I think I'm gonna have to say goodbye to it I think so I have heard because I was doing some this look be this will tie into my thing I was doing a lot of research on like colds and sickness and like how to keep yourself from getting a cold this week and I did um there there are theories about like decongestants in general can prolong the duration of a cold only

because that's your body's way of like expelling the germs and so when you take those medicines you're keeping your body from doing that this is like when i had covid and i refused to take tylenol you can't it was you have to bring a fever down you have to bring a fever down when it's that high oh my god let it do its thing first you were like gonna pass out you became like i was like you were like hallucinating and like stumbling down the hallways yeah it wasn't good let the fever do its work let it do its work yeah no i probably won't do that again it's a fine line between you know taking if you know modern medicine is a good thing mainly tell me you guys tell me about your weeks, please? Well, this week was Thanksgiving in America. And if people are listening in real time, this past week was Thanksgiving.

And we hosted, Joel and I hosted for the very first time. It's such a small little hosting. It was three friends over. Sammy being one of them was a small little gathering. It was great. Thank you. It was really lovely. You were wonderful hosts. Oh, my gosh. Thank you. friends over sammy being one of them was a small little gathering it's great um thank you it was really lovely wonderful hosts oh my gosh thank you well i just wanted to say that like so we

we hosted we didn't even cook all the food it's sort of like potluck style everybody chipped in all we did was just like have people in our home basically i was so worn out from the day leading up to thanksgiving and thanksgiving that I have not today is now Sunday Thanksgiving was Thursday I have done nothing I have I have gotten like 10 plus hours of sleep every night I was after okay so we went to see a movie to go see the menu on Friday during the afternoon the day after Thanksgiving and when we got back from the movie, I was like, oh, my God, I have COVID. Like I was like I was so depleted and certain I was getting sick. And I went down a rabbit hole of like, how do you keep yourself from getting sick? I was like looking a bunch of stuff up.

I was like, oh, my God, I'm gonna have to tell everybody that I have COVID. And there's live shows next week. And the heli's coming to town. I'm not going to do it. I'm so sick. I'm so sick. What am I going to do? Also, pandemic has made me like even the idea of a cold.

I like going to like worst case scenario thinking but literally i just all i just rested and slept and guess what i'm not sick i was just worn out but i can't believe i can't believe that feels like not normal to me not worn out as well and i i don't necessarily think that makes it normal but if it makes you feel better it at least happened to more than one person i similarly have been sleeping so much since then and was just absolutely pooped it really took it out of me no two ways about it guys drinking a lot did you just get super hungover no i wasn't even hungover like we

didn't drink i mean we we drank for a while we drank a healthy amount we you start at like 4 p.m and you go until midnight but certainly we've we've which is normal quantity wise it's not like like certainly I've had regular dinners where afterwards I'm like oh god look at all the bottles In the recycling bin this wasn't This wasn't one of them but And also so then

Anytime I think about talking about being tired Or sick or anything I think you're telling this story To Henley who has a child And it's just like literally how do you do it Because I thought I was dying from hosting, literally, how do you do it? Because I thought I was dying from hosting a dinner. And how do you do it? How do you sleep ever? How are you not always sick? What's what the fuck? What? How? What's how does anybody do it right now? I know. What? What the

hell? I don't know. I don't know. You just do it. It's honestly, it's fine. I mean, it's a it's a it's a finite period of time. It's a it's a it's it's a um finite period of time it's a long period of time in your life it's a pretty long but it's finite period eventually um they do grow up and then eventually um i'll sleep again um it will be that's in my 40s i think probably in your 40s you might sleep yeah Yeah. Cool. That's 10 years from now. Something to look forward to? Something to look forward to.

No, I genuinely, I don't know. I mean, I only have one. I can't imagine what it's like to have more than that. Well, you want to have more than that, you lunatic. I do want to have more than that because I am a lunatic. It's just simply insane. Absolutely deranged. Well, something I did have energy for was going to the Titanic exhibit in Los Angeles.

Sammy, Sammy. Stop it. I went with my mom and I forgot that that was happening. Oh my God. If you want to go again, Henley, when you're here, I'd love to go again. Everybody listening knows I'm a huge vessel head. I'm obsessed with the Titanic. I can't get enough. It was so interesting. I cried basically start to finish. Of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course. It's heartbreaking.

It's so sad. Heartbreaking. And so two scary things about it one is that upon entering they give you a boarding pass where you are given the name of one of the actual passengers you find out if you're dead yes you have to you have to find at the end your name on either the survivor's list or the deceased list and it's so heartbreaking um i was uh anna Sage, I believe was my name. Gorgeous name. Gorgeous.

Me and my husband and my eight children all perished. Eight children? Eight children. Eight children. See, that's so fucked. That is fucked. Does it make you feel better to know you were probably rich as hell? You brought eight kids onto the Titanic.

No, I was in the last three class. No. Oh, no. Yeah. They were the ones that died. Yeah. Sure. Sure.

It was most, yeah, third class and crew died in the biggest percentages. Oh my God. Oh my God. I fucking hate this shit. Sammy, I hate you for constantly bringing up the Titanic all the time. I'm sorry. Yeah, it was really, really devastating. A lot of very sad stories. There was one story on the wall of a guy who he was, they were newlyweds. They were both

19, I believe. And him and his new wife got into the lifeboat and were in the lifeboat ready to go. And he went back for her coat and then he died and did not make it back to the lifeboat can you imagine it's like it's just uh really unreal but anyways the other scary part about it is how desperately at the end of it i wanted titanic merch i am currently wearing a titanic t-shirt and i just felt like the concept of titanic merch is so crazy and i can't think of any other um disaster that people wear you know merch from but i was just like indianapolis yeah like this merch store it was filled i bet people wear like pompeii merch right for sure for sure i just like my mind in the merch store i was like i'm an insane person i was looking at the shirts being like, this Titanic shirt's pretty good, but this Titanic shirt's a little better.

Somebody else made that merch. You know, you didn't bring it into existence. So somebody is crazier than you. That's nice. That's nice of you to say. Thank you. I kind of want, I kind of want Titanic merch now that you're, I don't know, it's piquing my interest for some reason.

What are, would we be so obsessed with the Titanic if it weren't for the the movie i mean i know it was a big deal but like i think i would would we be i don't know if you would but i would yeah well you would but would there be exhibits probably not so i i think that the the movie really you know i mean it left it's like indelibly printed imprinted on us after watching the movie at such a young age so many times. Well, I've gone to other ship museums. You know that. I know. Sammy, we know you're a vessel head.

We know you don't need to brag about it. I've seen ship museums where there has been no movie made about them. Sure. You can't make a, can't make a movie out of every ship. No. I wish they would, but no, they can't. Wow. Oh my gosh. I mean, I'm so happy for so happy for you thank you yeah i'd love to go back so if you guys are interested and if any of you listeners live in los angeles i highly recommend the titanic exhibit it's it's really

really interesting and um uh and pretty sad so just be warned you might cry there's merch at the end so it's all worth it wow wow wow wow wow and another thing i did this week was i watched this week's movie which is army of darkness it came out in 1992 directed by sam ramey written by sam and ivan ramey starring bruce campbell and beth davids starring Bruce Campbell, M. Beth Davids, Marcus Gilbert, and Ian Abercrombie. It is available to rent for $3.99. And we have two guests with us today to talk about this movie. They are the hosts of fellow HeadGum podcast, Punch Up the Jam. It's Andrew and Evan Gregory.

Welcome to the pod. Thank you so much for having us. We really appreciate it. Thanks for having us, guys. Thank you guys for being here. How are you guys doing today? I had a quick question, which is, was the movie Titanic too scary for you guys to watch? Emily has famously not seen it. I've never seen it. That was too scary for you to watch, Titanic.

It was too scary at a time, and now it's too long. It is really long. I saw it so many times when it came out. And you're a time and now it's too long. It is really long. I saw it so many times when it came out. And it's just sad. Yeah, it's really sad. I don't want to watch a long, sad movie. It's scarier than a lot of horror movies because it really happens.

It fucked me up. But there was like a saying in my class where everyone, it was like a competition. How many times could you see it? And I think I saw it 10 times in the theaters. Like saw it wow that's 30 hours i totally get that but all the middle schoolers or whatever would want to go see it a million times because the sad part makes the romantic part more romantic and then you just can't see it for that i was at a super bowl party that like my parents friends were throwing and the cool girls that I was friends with were like the Super Bowl sucks. Let's go watch Titanic.

And we're like, let's get out of here. We just went to this empty theater and watch Titanic during the Super Bowl. And it was very cool. That honestly does sound cool. I would make that trade. If that's what you know, that's what are long you know It's rebellious but it also Based on your age that I'm Deducing from this story is also

Very flirtatious Is a good deal The cool girls want you to go watch a Kind of sexy movie I mean just because the arrangement of our Parents friends because it's like this had Nothing to do with me the Super Bowl party It's like I'm there with two of my

closest female high school friends and their cuter older sister and the four of us are gonna go watch Titanic and skip the Super Bowl yeah I'm gonna do that yeah sorry John Elway have you guys

heard the story about Bill Paxton and and James Cameron's lunch on the submarine on the deck of the Titanic? No. This is going to come back to the events with the worst merch. I promise. Okay. Okay. That at some later date after the movie Titanic was out, I don't know why, because you'd think they'd do this while they were shooting the movie.

James Cameron took Bill Paxton down to the deck of the Titanic in his submarine just to have a casual lunch because that's what you do when you're that rich from making a movie Titanic just have a picnic on the deck of the Titanic they came up and everyone was freaking out because while they've been down there for six hours 9-11 had happened

and I think that 9-11 has worse merch than the Titanic just because it's more recent. And living in New York, there's a lot of really bad 9-11 merch. There is 9-11 merch. There's a bar near our office that's a 9-11 themed bar. That's like, I never want to go in there. I don't want to go in that bar.

What? Imagine missing 9-11 because you're under the ocean. Voluntarily. How have I not heard that story? That's the craziest story I've ever heard. That's wild. It's scary getting submarine. I'm not going to a submarine. I would never go on a submarine. Are you kidding me?

That's the scariest thing in the world. Yeah, my God. Okay, we're getting past it. We'll come back to it, but did anything scary happen to either of you this week? Oh, man. I mean, nothing ghostly. Like last time I appeared on this show to recap Human Centipede, I did have a scary incident with a possessed bird to share.

This time, like we've been talking about, we're recording this on Thanksgiving weekend. So what's in the rear view for me is Thanksgiving weekend. And my kids were sick prior to Thanksgiving and home from school with the flu. So the scariest thing for me is just the amount of sibling on sibling violence that has been happening. Continuous days cooped up. You know, the cabin fever is cumulative. So you have like three or four sick days that then lead you know the cabin fever is cumulative so you have like three or four sick days that then lead up to the holiday weekend it's been getting pretty dire it's been

getting pretty dire so that's not you know supernatural type of horror real life stuff's always scary do you have any like tips and tricks about how to curb sibling on sibling violence i mean is there anything you can do um yeah, you can space them out more than me. I have three that are inside two years of age, so like they are peers with each other and best friends and rivals. You know, if you space them out, then

the one that's like really big might be like, I don't need to beat up on this infant. Really big. Have a really big one. I don't think it's time to shower. Over the others. Have a really big one. Have a really big one. Have one that's kind of a piggy and another one that's kind of like the underling. Yeah, make a really big kid.

Okay, this is great. Thank you for the insight. I need all of this. Well, Andrew, anything scary? Anything scary? I'm going to offhandedly mention two things that were scary. One scary thing that happened to me was I hosted Thanksgiving for, it was going to be almost 30 people.

And that's stressful. I would be deceased if that's a lie. I host for 30 people. This is my eighth year in nine years of hosting. Duh! And there was just a lot of pressures and stressors around this one in particular. With COVID, with kids. This is my first Thanksgiving having a kid.

I have a seven-month-old daughter. There were some last-minute cancellations that were stressful. Not Evan's cancellation. Evan's cancellation wasn't stressful, but there was another one that was. And, you know, family coming in from out of town so that's that's pretty stressful a lot a lot of things to cook uh big shout out to frankly our mom for making the stuffing good job thanks mom that's great frankly you gotta hand it to her she did the stuff the roles the role she does every year but usually i do the stuffing she doubled down this year to the stuffing nice but the most existentially terrifying thing i saw i'm gonna bring it back to evan's kids

was one of evan's kids gus is in a letter writing mood this week so evan has been sending me pictures of the notes that gus is writing and send me a picture that i think you do are you guys familiar with the the poem that ends with like um what's that poem about Ozymandias with the statue in the desert? You know the one I'm talking about? I do know what you're talking about, but I couldn't provide any more details than you just have. Look upon my works, look upon my works, ye mighty in despair.

Ye mighty in despair. I was like, I think this card is better than that, and also more existentially terrifying. Wow. I should just pull it up but I'll paraphrase here the car just said like

it had a little drawing of Gus at the bottom and he had huge tears coming out of his eyes and it just said if my dad died I would scream come back daddy just to fucking real for me

I was just like I'm sorry Evan this was your child Who wrote this note about your death I'll recap Henley can probably identify with this In the sense that your kid does something cute Or precocious

You immediately take a pic of it He's only almost a year and a half so he's not quite old he's not writing notes yet he's not thinking he's not thinking about your death and what he would cry yeah and so my kids my the twin boys are are recently six so they're very they're recently literate you know reading and just beginning to write and it's extremely cute and all that is uh like you want to save it forever but what's andrew's exactly right it was like is like you want to save it forever. But Andrew's exactly right. It was like we were writing birthday cards to Rose.

And then Gus just wanted to write more things. And this was the third card that he wrote, and that's kind of what made it funnier to me. He started off just he wrote me one card and just walked in. He'd been working on it in the back of the house, and he brought it to me. This was a card for you? Yes, he gave me a card that said, To Dad, you are the best dad I could ever have. of the house. He brought it to me. This was a card for you? Yes, he gave me a card that said, to dad, you are the best dad I could ever have.

And I was like, this is, oh my gosh. I mean, for him to write Scrawl this out, a little six-year-old is, it's a lot of work and very sincere. And then he just went away. Everything's quiet. I'm happy just like reading the papers. I don't know what it was. He got to plot it. He got to plot it.

Exactly. Yeah, just like you're doing animal training you give them one little incentive to do it then he went off and did it again he came back five minutes later with another card that just said i love you with all my heart oh with a picture of uh a bunch of hearts on there yeah and then 10 minutes later after i applauded him again, he's like, hell yeah, I'm on a roll. What's the next layer here? That's when he came back with the third card, which is what Andrew saw, which is just a layer upon, on top of, you're the best dad I could ever have. I love you with all my heart. Number three, if you die, then I would cry.

Picture of himself with a word bubble. I want dad back. I mean, frankly, it sent me to an imaginary Evan funeral with six-year-old Gus. Yeah. Gus just screaming, I want dad back. And that was very scary to me. Yeah. That's haunting.

And I think, honestly, it was more meaningful to me than 95% of human art, including Lord Byron. It's either Byron or Shelley's Ozymandias poem. Wow. That was, I'm so glad you brought that to our attention because I agree that should be in MoMA. Like why isn't that framed and why aren't we looking at it every day? What more is there to say about the human death of someone you love than I want dad back? Yeah. You can't put it more briefly.

If you die, then I would cry. I want dad back. Yes. There's like two hour movies about this subject that are not as good. That don't hit quite as hard. Yeah. Let's just say Forrest Gump didn't do it that well with Sally Field. Didn't do it that well.

Wow. I have a lot to stew on there i'm gonna be thinking about that for the rest of the podcast gonna be hard for me to focus i'm just gonna be honest yeah that's a lot that's a lot to take in um wow okay okay wow so what how do you guys feel about evan we obviously had you on you you covered him a centipede fries um all-star guests like for all involved andrew how do you feel about scary movies well what is your relationship here's what i will say about my current relationship with scary movies which is there is no way i would even listen to the human centipede episode.

I think you should. I'm not talking about watching human centipede. I'm saying like Evan said he was coming on your podcast. And I think maybe I was supposed to come too and I had to cancel last minute. And I was like, oh, I'll listen to a couple episodes. I really enjoyed it because there was a moment in my life that I really loved horror movies. Like love, love, loved them. I've watched a lot of the movies you guys have done,

so I listened to some of those. I was downright bragging that I got to do such a high-status episode of this podcast. Evan wanted to talk to me about the Human Centipede episode, and I did not even want to engage with him. I did not want to listen to it. I guess what I would compare my current status with, you know when you meet a skinny white girl who's like, I used to only drink tequila.

But then I had this one night and I can never drink tequila again. Yes. That's where I am with horror movies, where it used to be a big part of my identity. Like in high school, that was like my thing was like having a lot of friends over and we'd watch, you know, bad horror movies in the attic and it was kind of ironic but probably not actually that ironic as you thought it was. You know,

really shitty horror movies like Maximum Overdrive, the Stephen King movie where all the trucks come to life and start murdering Emilio Estevez. Oh, hell yes. We have not done that one. And a soda machine shoots sodas out and kills a bunch of people with the sodas. It's really good.

It's pretty good. We need to do it. I'm going to bring that back later and you're going to be surprised how I do it. Okay, great. I watched it. I think we agreed that the worst one we ever watched was The Dentist 2,

which was worse than The Dentist 1. You mentioned that one and I'm curious. Yeah, because they yeah they got the camera so far in everyone's mouth it was really really really gross and then just like you know flash forward i kind of like went away from it for a while and like also i read cards like gus's cards and reflected upon human mortality i think a little longer sure life gets scarier as you get older yes and now there's like no way I would watch a horror movie like that ever. Like the last movie I watched in theaters was Jennifer Lopez's Marry Me.

So great. A great, delightful film. I loved it. I will like go to the mat with people regularly about how underrated that movie is and how the music is better than the music to A Star is Born. And it was shot on my block which is why i went to see it so was there one movie that did it there was there one movie that really put you over the edge i think it might have been all of the movies i did like subconsciously sleeping in my brain for 10 or 15 years that's gonna fucking happen to me you guys after listening

to all of these movies how many episodes have we done? They're all sitting. They're all simmering in the back of my brain. But what I should say, what I was so excited about when I heard we were doing Army of Darkness, which I don't think we suggested. I think you all suggested. Is that this was probably the number one movie of my horror phase in my teenage years. Oh, great.

Okay. And so I was shocked that you had not done it yet. Uh-huh. And at the risk of being a terrible person, I want to openly mock you for refusing to watch this movie. Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay, okay.

Wait, to be fair, we did watch Evil Dead 2, all three of us. All three of you watched it? Okay. We did watch it. How did Evil Dead 2 go for you? I enjoyed it. I had a great time. Oh! Yeah. Okay. So Evil Dead is an interesting one for us because we had, so we covered the first one, the original, one of our earliest episodes, and I absolutely hated it. H hated it hated it made me feel terrible i i oh i had a terrible terrible terrible time and then we watched the remake which i mean you know a

couple years later but i realized these movies are specific in that like watching them is kind of delightful hearing about them kind of terrible because you lose the perspective of like, it's like campy and fun and kind of over the top. And all you hear is, you know, chopping somebody up with a chainsaw. Someone, what is this? Someone with the veins get all gross and a lot of fluids. It's very easy to picture it as being like a lot darker and nastier than it appears yes in watching it that's a great point i do think these are one of the few that's better to watch so how did you all come to the conclusion that you would all watch evil dead 2 together sammy made

sammy made us yeah yeah we did that on our patreon for my birthday episode i forced him i think i mean i i think this could be a Patreon all watch episode because I haven't rewatched Evil Dead 2 recently. But I think this is a lot less scary than Evil Dead 2. I think so too, yeah.

Army of Darkness is actually the one I saw first for some reason. And it is, I feel like, more leaning more into the comedy side and kind of just adventure-y. kind of just adventure scary of the three. Evan and I were talking about this earlier because we were trying to talk about whether it was okay to call you guys yellow belly. You just roll up in here as podcast antagonists.

And then we asked you guys, can we call you yellow belly? And just yes. Um, but like basically this movie is a cross Between Mel Brooks' Robin Hood Men in Tights The Three Stooges

Connecticut Yankee and King Arthur's Court With like a little bit Of Walking Dead zombie stuff Just the tiniest little zombie sprinkle A little bit of zombie stuff But it's like there is a moment Where Bruce Campbell, a.k.a. Ash, punches a zombie in the face,

and his head spins around 10 times, and he goes, I-woo-ga. Okay, okay. I feel like any movie with an I-oo-ga is not that scary. There's a moment where they're gonna have to fight the zombies towards the end of the movie. This movie is what an hour and 20

minutes long. So quick. And the plot basically finishes 40 minutes in like the last like the last 40 minutes is like them prepping

for the zombie fight. And there's a moment where they open the trunk of his car. His car has been time traveled into medieval times. Sure.

And just at the top of the trunk of his car is a book that is chemistry 101. That's funny. That's funny. Any zombie hunting movie where a random guy who works the Safeway has a Chemistry 101 textbook

with the recipe for gunpowder in it. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, in every 101 book. Genius. I will say, it's such an interesting thing about doing this podcast. I'm excited to hear about this movie and to watch the trailer. But prior to doing this podcast, now I'm like, you're right. Anyone should be able to watch this.

I could certainly watch it. I think Henley could watch it. But before doing this podcast, I would never have wanted to. I would have just been like, if there's any amount of like chainsaw not only no arm but then you put a chainsaw on it amputation is a big big no-no for me in terms of like what is horrifying for me to watch and now but now i'm like oh i can see how the more you're exposed to horror it like changes your brain and you you can like find the fun in that so now i agree with you but i there was a

time where i would not have described a horror movie as fun and i see what you mean that it's just such an easy metric to say why bother with this movie that has any amount of amputation in it when there are so many other movies that have any amount of jennifer lopez in them exactly let's do that one. Maybe we could pivot to that. I got some stats for us about Army of Darkness. We've got a 74% on Rotten Tomatoes, 59 on Metacritic. Seems like weird to rate this movie poorly.

Just seems strange to me that critics are giving it bad ratings. Anyways, 7.4 on IMDb. Budget was $ million it made 21.5 million But they said it was like a box office Failure even though that Sounds good to me I guess They were not pleased with those

Well weren't the first two like very very very Low budget 11 million feels high For one of these First one was 350k So the first one is like totally self-financed. It's like a student film, basically. I think maybe like a dentist loaned him money or something for like a family friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then this was supposed to be the second one. Right. And this is, in my opinion, there's two things that keep this from being a perfect movie. One is that the female lead In the year 1300 Is named Sheila

That doesn't matter Okay sure In the year 1300 That's from the same Like movie writing world That all of the one liners And stuff The camp comes from

I don't know It's gotta be a Rebecca A Margaret Maybe a Brigitte Not a Not a Sheila A Brigitte I wish it had been Brigitte Okay what a, not a she. A Brigitte?

I wish it had been Brigitte. Okay, what's your thing number two? I'm thinking about this a lot. But the second thing is, it was supposed to be the second movie, and it was supposed to be called, this is such a home run. It was supposed to be called Medieval Dead. Why would they say no? Universal said no. They wanted it to be.

Why would they say no? It was supposed to be a somewhat standalone film. But Medieval Dead, yeah, that's a no-brainer. That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. Home run. Home run. Studio execs, man.

They just don't know. They're doing a ton of cocaine. They didn't know what was going on. And yeah, this piece of trivia I wrote down because I feel like it's not true. And it's that they say all three Evil Dead films can be seamlessly cut together, though some introductory footage in the sequels is lost. And I just don't think that's true because Evil Dead 2, remember, is like kind of a remake of Evil Dead 1 but with the intention to bridge to to army of darkness right i mean that's that's a silly piece of trivia like by what standard do you say seamlessly like i could cut all the star wars movies together seamlessly to create one 18 hour story if i

wanted to who says it's seamless i think yeah i just it struck me as an odd piece of trivia that i was like what so i just wanted to talk about it with you guys shouldn't that be true of any sequential films like that's exactly that's exactly what i'm screaming you know and maybe even any movie that features the the same actors you know you could you could cut Empire Strikes Back together with the Sandlot with James Earl Jones to hang it all together and that'd be seamless. And then it's one movie. One single movie. And it's seamless. If Darth Vader has a mean dog

who keeps stealing the baseballs, ooh, that's good. It's seamless. I will say, I forgot that Ivan Ramey co-wrote this and it made me feel really good about being brothers on your podcast. I know, I was thinking that. Because did you guys spot the third Raimi brother in the movie?

I know that. There's a third Raimi. The third. He's in it like four times right as different characters. I saw him twice but I would believe four. I think he's in it. Oh that's fun. He's in the grocery store at one point right? At the end. In the ending which which they reshot.

But he also has a line in the third act of the movie where he's like, and you have my steel! And he has this really bad fake beard on. But that's Ted Raimi, which brings me back to encouraging you guys to watch this movie, respectfully. Did you guys used to watch Xena, Warrior, Princess? I loved Xena, yes. I would basically argue that this is a pilot for Xena, Warrior, respectfully. Did you guys used to watch Xena Warrior Princess? I loved Xena. Yes. Yes. I would basically argue that this is a pilot

for Xena Warrior Princess. And Sam Raimi was also involved in Xena, right? Sam Raimi made Xena Warrior Princess. It had the same producer, Dino De Laurentiis, that made all these Italian movies and also made Maximum Overdrive, where the trucks try to kill Estes.

But also, Tedamey is jacks the kind of like uh he you know the kind of like comedy relief in xena who like has a crush on xena and xena's like this guy's a real like dumb guy he's kind of a third rate he's kind of like a second tier character yeah yeah but this is a very xena movie yeah pre-zena that's cool i think sam randy made just like a shit ton of of money making the hercules and zena series yeah um hell yeah those would be fun to re-watch one day even though i feel like kevin sorbo sucks right so that'd be tough yeah we lost sorbo he went to the other side yeah um i have his autograph somewhere gonna have to throw that in the trash somewhere

put that right in the trash um okay should we watch this trailer yes i would love to watch this trailer let's take a peek in an age of darkness may god have mercy upon your souls. Something's wrong. Something's amiss. And a time of evil. You shall die! When the world needed a hero. This world of ourselves. I don't want to die! What it got was him. Groovy.

You know your shoelace is untied. Sheer! He's a 20th century guy. For that arrogance, I shall see you dead. trapped in the Middle Ages. All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up. This is my boomstick.

Now, let's talk about how I get back home. Foretold by a mystical book Within its pages are passages that can send you back to your time. Forewarned by a wise man. You must recite the words Platu, Berata, Nictu. I got it, I got it. Fulfilled by a wise guy.

Platu, Berata, Nictu. When the army spoke their words, the army of the dead awoke. Now, he's got a date. Give me some sugar, baby. With the army of darkness. You found me beautiful once.

Honey, you got real ugly. Sound the trumpets. Raise the drawbridge. Look out! Drop the Oldsmobile. From Sam Raimi, director of Darkman,

comes Army of Darkness. They live. They breathe. They suck. Army of Darkness This has like very Monty Python vibes to me Yes

Exactly right Just from the trailer you get that this is a Funny movie you just watch a trailer for a comedy That's a comedy Yeah there's that scene where he gets sucked into the book and his face is like four feet long when he comes out of the suction and he shakes his face

and then it's like three feet long and then he shakes his face and it's like two feet long and then he shakes it again and it's normal and you're like, that took two days of filming. That took two days of makeup and like for like a five second gag

and it was worth it. Are you guys familiar with the concept of shimping which sam ramey invented shimping no but okay wait i was i was noticing in the imdb credits there's like fake shimp yes and there's like 10 of them yes and i don't know what it means i only found out this recently's very funny to me. And it speaks to first, it speaks to how obsessed with the three stooges, Sam Raimi is that he brought this term into filmmaking just in his movies and used it so frequently that I guess now it's kind of an accepted thing. And the first time I ever saw it is in the credits of, of dark man,

which they mentioned in the, in the trailer, he just, he, they made dark man, which is like a kind of cool high budget uh it was a hit sam raimi wanted to make batman and they wouldn't give him the right so he made up his own batman and oh fuck yeah and filmed it with liam neeson it rules it's

really good you guys couldn't watch it though you guys couldn't watch it it's too scary it's too scary too scary it's too scary um but a too scary. Too scary for you. It's too scary. A corrupted superhero. This is like 1990, like two years before Army of Darkness, but it was a hit, so it kind of gave him license to make this.

So the idea is that he, his face has been burned off, but he's a scientist, blah, blah, blah. He can make a mask of anyone in a kind of like face-off, pre-face-off,

face-off way. And in the last scene, he's disappearing in the crowd so like no one can ever recognize him again. And he turns around and it's Bruce Campbell. It's Ash from Army of Darkness

playing Liam Neeson. And Bruce Campbell in the credits is shown as Final Shimp. Which is so silly. Apparently it was a thing that the Three Stooges were filming some episodes when shimp died or maybe curly died i'm not sure i'm not getting the straight because i'm not reading it

so they filmed a bunch of of to finish it they filmed a bunch of with a body double and when they were filming evil dead evil dead 2 it was so low budget that like everybody left and like just bruce campbell and sam ramey are shooting like the caterer left the cameraman left it's just the two of them so like sam ramey would just like put his arm in the shot and be like oh i'm supposed to be the zombie i'll put my arm in and he called he called it shimping like i'll be a shimp like stepping in for somebody like like the fake shimp in the three stooges and so that's who all the shimps are and that actually seems like a normal filmmaking concept to me just a body double it's a body double but because he was obsessed

with the three stooges he's just naming it after the three stooges character yes it just speaks to all the augas and all of the like dumb i see the scenes where he's fighting himself and poking himself with a fork and stuff it's all very silly know, what we should do is as we go through this recap, we can maybe label each bit of action as like being extremely gross for on a like a spectrum from silly to gross and maybe describe the effects because that's what's missing when you recap the evil dead and you're just reciting like hand is cut off. Here's all the plot points, chainsaw attached. It just sounds like a list of amputations.

But if we can maybe add some of that qualitative color around the silliness and the pleasures of 20th century ash is just saying bad one liners like a 70s cop show cop in the midst of the middle ages. Like that's what the that's what the humor is. We've got to give that to you or we haven't done the proper job. Yeah. Love this. Also, just off trailer alone, I think this is the hottest version of Ash that we've seen. That's what I was going to say. Bruce Campbell looks great.

Gotta give it to him. In early days, we did multiple polls, Bruce Campbell hot or not, and I have to say, my vote has changed to hot after that trailer and obviously that's a big part of the appeal of

the movie is that you have this dreamy lantern jawed very like classic hunky vibe yeah delivering the funny one liners thick skulled hunky hottie Bruce Campbell is so good looking

that I think you could argue it worked against his career because he ended up only playing parodies of good looking people right he's the guy from the princess bride in a kind of like they're so good looking and so charismatic

that they can only play people that are like too good looking and too charismatic and it becomes a character flaw limiting yeah in the past few years i have hit a point where i only want to be wearing clothes that are comfortable it happened it happened to me but you know what i still also want to look cute and these are two desires that are often extremely opposing and i don't want to have to sacrifice. I want both. I want comfort and I want to feel cute and confident. And guess what? Skims has freaking done it again with their soft lounge collection. I am currently very, very obsessed with, I have the soft lounge

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Yep, let's do it. Yep. I want to hear. I want to know. Yep. Let's do it. Well, the movie starts with, I would say, like, it has a really funny opening, which is like him in the stocks talking about how he's a slave in the Middle Ages, which I love. Imagining this is a standalone movie and you're going in like having seen nothing but the trailer.

You know nothing about Evil Dead 1. You know nothing about Evil Dead 2. And it just opens with like, I am a slave. And he just slaps you across the desert. It's meant to look like a shot from Ben-Hur, like a medieval slave in Stockton. He's in like, not the stocks, but what's that called? A pillory, right?

The one that moves. Yeah, the one that moves. It's like a movie. Yeah, it's just your head and wrists. Great vocab recalling. Yeah, I don't think I've ever known that that was. Yeah, the one that moves. It's like a movie. It's just your head and wrists. Great vocab recall. I don't think I've ever known that that was called that. I think it's called a pillory. I'm not sure. But Evan is confirming it and he has better vocab than me. So I'm going to roll with it.

And then it kind of flashes back to Evil Dead 1 and 2, but we're maybe through it in as short as a minute flat. It basically does like a previously on Stranger Things kind of one minute recap of the whole previous movie just to establish how he got here. Yes, okay.

And making it possible for this movie to stand alone. So wait, he's in the pillar like with one of his arms is a chainsaw. It's like still the Ash we know. Well, the camera never basically pans over. You only see his left hand in this opening shot. But yes, great, great recall. We get get to we see that because there's a flashback Then he's in the pillory

He doesn't have the chainsaw We go back to Okay evil dead one evil dead two His hand is amputated he puts the chainsaw on And then we see him arriving In the medieval dead era His car his oldsmobile drops He drops down and his chainsaw comes off.

He's captured. He's mistaken for one of Duke Henry's men. They're two warring factions of medieval people. He's captured by, I can't remember who he's captured by. He's captured by King Arthur. The guy is definitely referred to as Arthur. This is like an English contingent of guys in chain mail and like nice looking arm armor and they have been fighting. I think we need to back up because the the backstory the previously on segment is crucial

establishment for like how did he get there. It establishes that he found this evil book in our time which in the time of the movie would be the eighties, right? So he went camping with his girlfriend, Linda, Linda, Linda in their abandoned cabin or wherever they were staying. They found an evil book called the Necronomicon,

the book of the dead. And then the entire plot of the first installment took place, which he's now recapping at rapid pace in kind of funny style. It's like in the, in that way that like, it's funny to say this fast basically is the joke. So my, then my hand was possessed.

So I had to cut it off with a chainsaw. Then I attached the chainsaw. The chainsaw became my new best friend. That kind of thing. I came through it really quick. How he killed everybody, killed his girlfriend. She came back to life.

She tried to kill him. He killed her, blah, blah, blah. And, but then at the end of the installment, the unstoppable,

unseeable demonic force that has been released by the Necronomicon sucked him and his car into this giant vortex, and the last thing that happens in the recap is he gets sucked through this vortex and then falls in this

empty landscape and then is soon surrounded by guys in king arthur type medieval armor and that's how he is he doesn't he doesn't know he's been sucked through time but discovers it by noticing his surroundings but he's captured by arthur who's already captured they have in pillories duke henry they assume he's one of Arthur, who is already captured. They have in pillories Duke Henry. They assume he's one of Duke Henry's men. All these rebellious Scotsmen. I don't remember how, but the chainsaw comes off his hand. But there's a wise man who's kind of like a wizard type guy.

And he notes that there's a prophecy that someone will fall from the sky and rescue everyone from the Necronomicon. Arthur is dismissive of this because he's like no it's just one of duke henry's men but because the wise man is so learned and recognizes that ash fell from the sky i mean kind of seems like a gimme seems like arthur should be on the same page as him sure he fell from the sky i strongly agree but he picks up the chainsaw and wraps it up and and kind of sneakily brings it along uh which is really a lifesaver for Ash later. Yeah. So to Emily's original question, once he is in the pillories and chains and handcuffs strung along in a string of dozens of Scotsmen, all being taken back as one group of prisoners.

No, his chainsaw is not on. Got it. group of prisoners know his chainsaw is not on. Got it. Mostly when they when the camera fairly infrequently catches his right hand, it really just looks like Bruce Campbell's just got his

arm tucked in his sleeve. Yeah. It's just wrapped up in a little fist. Yeah, just the most grade school version of that effect for sure. Ah, my arm! You know that? That's just okay. It's an extra long sleeve. Then they like arrive in the town square, right?

Yeah, they get back to the castle. You know, side note on the production, the castle is in this very non-English looking desert. I just don't get it. It's clearly supposed to take place in England with all the knights. Yeah, I don't think there are deserts in England. Definitely not. But this is just blatantly shot in like Eastern California

near Nevada or something. But anyway, so they get back to the castle, which is the home base of this King Arthur guy, whether he's canonical King Arthur or not, I don't know. But he's Arthur. And they get back. And so there's all these peasants and stuff back there that are shaming the Scotsman, of whom

Ash is assumed to be a part. One of these townspeople is the beautiful young Sheila, who we learn has lost a brother in the fighting. She like asks some night, and what of my brother? Oh, he fought valiantly, but we lost him yesterday. He fell. He fell in battle. And so she's just livid and is taking out all of her feelings on the prisoners, including Ash, just spitting on him and kicking him while they come in.

One of the most amazing. When I first met him, I thought he was a jerk in cinema history because she's just been told that he killed her brother. Right. She's literally throwing rocks at his head. Mm hmm. And within five minutes, she's going to be in love with him. Yeah. Real brother. Right. She's literally throwing rocks at his head. Mm-hmm. And within five minutes, she's gonna be in love with him. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, real quick. Great. And this, and Beth Davids, I just wanna shout out that she's also in 13 Ghosts, another terrific film. Oh, incredible. I wanna shout out, this is not a plot thing,

but I wanna just say that King Arthur's haircut. Ooh, the bangs, the little bangs. Is one of the best medieval haircuts I've ever seen in a movie because he has these short little bangs like an inch and a half above his eyebrows and then just like long, long hair. It's like a mullet,

but not like an 80s or 90s mullet. This is a medieval mullet. This is a medieval mullet. It's a medieval mullet that was very convincing to me. Yeah, Arthur's main function is to be really snooty in the movie. It's pretty fun. So immediately

they get into like torturous deaths. They, um, the English are not psyched about the Scots. Why did they bother bringing them back to the castle to execute them? I don't frankly know. But they do it in a really

fun way, which is tossing them into a pit. There's no hangings here. They're not beheading them. They brought these prisoners of war back and they're going to toss them into this somewhat supernatural pit that is in the middle of the castle square. And they just,

like guy number one, you know, faceless Scotsman that we're okay with dying basically, just tiptoes up to the lip and then they shove him in. He falls into this pit and there's sort of like a comedic beat

where the camera cuts back and forth to different members of the ugly looking peasants in the crowd just waiting expectantly. Like what's happening? The number of cuts is just kind of funny where everyone's kind of going, just waiting. And then after about 20 seconds or so, all of a sudden this unholy amount of blood just shoots up like a geyser.

Like this guy, like maybe 10 humans worth of blood just got squeezed out of a lemon and squirted up. 40. There's only one word that could be used to describe it. I was ready to interrupt Evan if he did not say it, but he did. It's a geyser. It's an enormous geyser of blood. I also wrote geyser in my notes. I'll just throw that out there.

Geyser of blood. Geyser of blood. Okay. I will say, also as like a fan of Sam Raimi, I don't know if you guys have watched a lot of Sam Raimi movies or your listeners have watched a lot of Sam Raimi. I don't know if you guys have watched a lot of Sam Raimi movies or your listeners have watched a lot of Sam Raimi movies, but he makes some really bold choices as a director. Some would say too bold,

but like there's a ton of like POV shots where like ashes in the pit and like the cameras like wiggling around. There's a bunch of like super low angle stuff like out of the pit. There's, you know, like shots where like an arrow is shooting through the air and like the camera's moving with arrow it's just a very um interesting for me that's very interesting and in a movie that's so exaggerated those bold silly choices

work and also like like this is a higher budget movie than evil dead one and evil dead two and already in those they're doing like the weird shit where they're like running the camera through the forest. Like you see the money on the screen a little bit with how weird the shots are. Like all the even all the stop motion stuff. That's like that stuff takes a while. Yeah. Yeah. Stop motion book flipping around.

That's cool. So then Ash gets shoved into the pit. He's next in line for some reason. And he gets shoved It's because Sheila throws a rock at his head Sheila's so mad at him He killed her brother She throws a rock at his head

And knocks him to the front of the line Really? I'm pretty sure I watched this movie at 1.5x speed But I'm still pretty sure I'm right Yeah she does She does throw a rock at him And when he falls

Honestly the continuity of like Nothing happens in the bottom of the pit That would seem to result in a geyser of blood. And so that is a little small red flag for me. But he falls down. That was my main question. I wanted to know the source of the geyser. Exactly.

In order to generate the amount of Old Faithful of blood that blasts upward, what would have to happen? You would have to be put into some sort of you'd have to be juiced and then spit out you'd be juiced you'd have to be juiced yeah and and maybe like in put in some kind of hydraulic cannon or something anyway to be more than one person like even if you were absolutely juiced even your bones it's more than that yeah anyway so that doesn't happen down there. So it's just kind of like, you're like, the blood geyser was a stunt.

It's not actually part of the story. What? It was just a joke? What? What? So he gets down there and it's like a torture pit where he's like waist deep in water

and there's walls covered with spikes. But before he's crushed by the spikes, some kind of fairly supernatural zombie character bursts up from the bottom of the water. And they just start fighting. They're just having a brawl. Like he's got a shot based on his own physical prowess to maybe survive this thing. It's kind of the implication. Okay, well, he's not being eaten by some crocodile like

something you couldn't beat you know it's just like mano a mano with a kind of gross looking zombie i mean i'm not sure we've said this explicitly but in in this world they're calling them deadites which is in and of itself really quite funny right not zombies all of them is these medieval people are like the army of the deadites. Right. That's funny. Like they're members of a nation like the Hittites or something. And you're right that the wise man has definitely alluded to like an evil has been awoken in

our world. And this guy may be the prophecy guy. But up until now, we haven't seen what that might be that the wise man was referring to. This is the first inkling. Now we see. Okay. That's something and I guess they we can infer

they captured this thing and stuck it in the pit to use as a torture chamber. And I just got to say production referred to this thing as the pit bitch. I just felt like it was important for us all to know that. That is important. Thank you. And I think that's a relatively decent moment to say that this movie is a Bechdel test failure.

Major Bechdel test failure. Because the pit bitch, had she been named, never speaks to Sheila. About something other than a man. Yeah, if she just yelled up like, Sheila, thanks for knocking this guy down. Well, does that count, though? Because it's kind of about a man. Still about a man. They weren't talking about their own career interests or whatever.

How does he, so he, does he escape the pit, bitch? Yes, he escapes the pit, bitch. So wizard guy runs up and calls out to him, tosses him down the chainsaw, and he is able to then catch on to one of the rope pulley things that's pressing the spike walls closed, and he is able to kill the pit bitch and get out of there.

And then he's like immediately a hero. He's being fed grapes, but he's also like, I gotta destroy this chainsaw. This is one of the other things that frustrates me about this movie other than Sheila

being named Sheila and whatever else I said earlier is they deconstruct his chainsaw to make a human metal bionic hand. Sure.

I think it's probably just because it looks so dumb where he's walking around with his full real Bruce Campbell hand like basically wrapped in towel, pretending like it's been amputated. They're like, we got to come up with something else. Yeah, but if you're in the medieval times to fight zombies, why would you take apart the chainsaw to make a hand? Just keep the chainsaw. Keep the chainsaw.

You're right, I was not very practical-minded. Clearly, no one else has survived the pit. No one else has survived the pit ever, but there's also a crucial moment that is also, we saw in the trailer, after he gets out of the pit, everyone's like,

what? They're shocked. They're beginning to revere him except for Arthur, who is still skeptical and sees this guy as insolent and challenges him to a sword fight. And that's when Ash, who upon exiting the pit has regained his other weapons from the Wiseman's stash, blasts the sword in half comically with his double-barreled sawed-off shotgun

that he brought from the future. Very funny. I love that joke. Every time it happens in a movie. Exactly. This is like, you came to the medieval times. I mean, everybody wants to do this, to be the one guy from the future in the past

that gets to show off our technology you know oh it would be great like as a musician I want to be the guy that like gets to play the first EDM record for Mozart or something and be like see what we did when he blows off the guy's sword that's where he has one of his many

famous dumb quotes which is this is my boomstick yes he monologues to the crowd listen up you screw heads this is my boomstick. Yes, he monologues to the crowd. Listen up, you screwheads. This is my boomstick. And he talks about what section of the Safeway it's sold at. Like, it's very funny. That's right. Yeah, he says, shop smart.

Shop S-smart. Maybe you think it's scary, but he's saying you should really shop at S-smart. You can buy a shotgun there. I'm just shaking in my boots. I'm so scared. Again, I have to say this is like a crucial part of the recap, because if we don't recap this as a comedy and it's just a list of amputations and skeletons, then you get the wrong idea for what movie you have watched. One of the most famous ones, actually, we skipped just a couple minutes ago, is when he's in chains next to Henry the Duke Henry the Scott. And Henry is like, you're not one of my men.

Like, how did you get here? Who wants to know? And so he tells him, I'm Henry the Red. I'm Duke of this and that and the other thing. And Ash goes, well, hello, Mr. Just using the most 20th century John Wayne swagger. Well, hell, he's like, Mr. Fancy, I got news for you, pal. You ain't leading but two things

right now. Jack and shit. Jack left town. Whoa. That's the tone. Oh, yeah. That's the tone. It's just being like a silly, like a parody of a swaggering hero. Like the way James Bond unnecessarily

says a pun at the end of every bad guy. He looks like you're all tied up like that times 10, but we're like almost past James Bond into Austin powers with this movie. We're halfway between James Bond and Austin powers with army of darkness. Yes. Okay. And Ash lets the,

well, I already just forgot his name. The guy go that was also chained up right behind him. Right, now he's like ascendant because he blew up Arthur's sword. So now it's like Ash is the de facto ruler here and he immediately says, let Duke Henry go, right? And then it gets to

you know, hard cut to like he's being fed grapes by babes. Hell yeah. Sheila's already coming in and apologizing. There's not even like a middle scene where Sheila's like, should I apologize? Sheila's coming in and apologizing. There's not even like a middle scene where Sheila's like, should I apologize? Sheila's coming in and being like, please, God. I love you, I love you.

Ash, you're the greatest guy on earth. Like trying to get in front of the four ladies who are feeding him grapes. But there's no time for that because the random person over at the side of the room who seems to be mixing some sort of a potion is a deadite and tries to kill them all and i i think ash pulls out the shotgun again and blows up that deadite yes great to have a shotgun the dead the deadites are sneaking in and so even this like

the grape feeding reclining room is not safe from the deadites there's somehow they are sneaking in and ash once again shave saves people by using his modern technology and shooting them and he gets to his prime motivator as a protagonist which is i want to get home like now send me home i we got to get the book everyone says that the key is in the book that's how i'm going to get home meanwhile he's at odds with the the wise man who says yeah we got to get the book but it's in order to save us we're not going to send you home until you you help you're the chosen one you're the only person that can help us get the book to protect us from all hell breaking loose that's but it seems it seems like they come to a very good deal

ash will go fetch the book and save everyone, and then they'll send him home. First, he does the whole montage where he, for some reason, chops apart his greatest weapon available to him, a chainsaw, to make a bionic hand, which is admittedly very strong. He squeezes a chalice with it and crushes it. Yeah, there's a very quick montage of creating the mechanical hand, and at the very end of it

he crushes a pewter goblet with his new hand and goes groovy every scene has that type of punchline at the end it's like action action action groovy that's the formula that's the formula chef's kiss so then we're into the questing the like the mighty python and the holy grail questing and they go out with a small posse ash and the wise men and like some random knights head out they go through the desert arrive at this nameless forest and for some reason they sort of like send Ash on in there. They don't go with him. And there's like goodbye at the border of the forest where, crucially, the wise man instructs Ash. You must get the book. You go into the graveyard in there.

You go into the graveyard. You get the book. But before you pick up the book, you must say the words, Klaatu, Varata, Niktu. And then you'll be safe to pick up. That's the code. That's the passcode. I would just want to say that this is a real Chekhov's Klaatu, Varata, Niktu. If a wise man says, hey, before you pick up the book in the forest, this cursed book that's bringing the deadites back to life, before you do that, say Klaatu, Veratu, Niktu.

You know that before the third act finishes, someone's not going to say that right. Yeah, someone's not going to say that right. And there is no audience member who is confused about this. And as if to put a funny button on it, he has Ash repeat it. Klaatu, Veratu, Niktu. Klaatu, Veratu, Niktu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.

All right. I got your stupid words. Yes, it's telephoned in in a way that is very funny. And also I want to shout out that Sam Raimi, as a real devotee of camp

and film history, Klaatu, Verata, Nictu is pulled from the science fiction classic The Day the Earth Stood Still. If you guys have seen that. I don't think it's a horror film but like it's you know a movie it's like I think a 50s movie about like an alien coming to Earth. It's like

kind of like I want to speak to you like like take me to your leader. Like I think it's kind of from that and that guy is all I don't remember what context he's saying Klaatu Veratu Niktu in but he's saying it a lot and I think they did it in remake too i think when keanu reeves is the alien and he's always going klatu veratu nictu and and sam raimi just just took it took it in a different direction with the okay with the checkoffs the checkoff vibe we checkoffed it yeah

so i want to shout out i i've been trying to avoid doing this, but the reason I've watched this movie like probably almost 10 times is because I have one friend who's an obsessive, who is very, one of my best friends, and more power to him, in his 40s, just released his first feature length film with Lucy Lawless.

Lucy Lawless was in it. Bringing it back. Xena herself. Yeah, Xena herself was in it. Who else was in it bringing it back Zena herself yeah Zena herself was in it um who else was in it that guy from the counterfeit movie with uh Joe Maggio was in it listen we cannot do a whole ad

I can't talk about Morgan I can't talk about Morgan's movie the spine of night because it is definitely too scary for this podcast it was described by the New York Times as being, quote unquote, mostly a history of disembowelment. Oh my god.

But Morgan was obsessed with this movie. I watched a lot with Morgan, so this morning I called Morgan, and I was like, Morgan, I'm going on a podcast about Army Darkness, like walking through this, and he sent me reading material, and he sent me the deleted windmill scene. The windmill scene here i think kind of sucks like he goes into a windmill you're kind of not sure why he's in the windmill and then he breaks a mirror and then the tiny

mirror pieces a lot of mini versions of him kind of like a lilliputian gulliver's travel thing come out and fight him they tie him up they poke him tiny forks. He steps on them and smashes them. It's like all very silly and gross. But there's like a seven minute long version of the scene. Like basically in the actual movie, he just like turns around and like walks into a mirror. And you're like, how could you possibly be so dumb? And like there was a seven minute deleted scene where like it made sense he walked into the mirror and that was cut, which is sad, but it makes sense that the vibey seven minute walk into the mirror scene is cut. I'm sorry.

So he's in the windmill. He fights all the little guys. There's a lot of like pitching up of the voices like. Yeah, they are like have minions vibes. Yeah, they have Minions vibes. Yes. And that's how, I guess the main thing about getting to the windmill is that it harkens back, it ties it back to the overall narrative because of the way the camera chases him through the woods.

It strongly, strongly calls back the way that he was chased into the vortex originally. It's almost as if you could seamlessly cut this movie together with Evil Dead 2 and Evil Dead 1, I would say. At any point. At any point, you just have to put the other movie in and it works. What I would do personally if I was cutting the three movies together is I would just put all three of them in a row. Wow. I think it would work. Oh, interesting. Without any seams.

Yeah. Remove the seams. Just take out the seams. And put in the movies. I'd take out the credits. That's a seam. Yeah. Yeah.

You were going to want to cut that. One of the tiny ashes jumps into his throat. Most of them are just trying to torture him, stab him with forks in like a kind of three stoogey slapsticky way, right? And then he picks up the fork and throws it at them and hits them like a dartboard. And it's very like, well, we're going to get you. Boy, oh, moppity moppity, scoopity shoo. But then one of them jumps in his mouth

and like as if to torture him from the inside and he knows this is not good for him. So he picks up off of the stove, the windmill Dutchman has left a hot pot of tea on the stove in the windmill and he just drinks boiling water to kill the tiny ash that's inside him. Inside him.

Okay. While saying, how about some hot chocolate, baby? Perfect. And so he sort of mimes this, does this physical comedy thing to suggest that the tiny ash is crawling around inside him. Trying to get away from him and as he exits the windmill you see all of a sudden on his shoulder this like this is one of the most body horror things that like they do a super close-up on his shoulder and you see this eyelid open and see an eyeball on his shoulder, which implies, I think, that the little ash has taken root inside of him, and it's the spirit of that little ash

that is now coming out of his skin. Gross, gross, gross. He's absolutely convulsed as more limbs start sprouting from his body. The eyeball forces out and becomes a second head, and he's looking at himself and then it's like a whole body is diverging until he becomes a Siamese twin, Ash,

and they're screaming at each other and then eventually, after like one torturous minute, they completely split apart and there's two identical twin Ashes, one of whom you know is real because he has the same correct amount of saucy repartee and also the severed hand. The new Ash, I think, has two fresh hands, is also saucy in his dialogue, but in a slightly meaner way. And that's how you know he's bad. Then he shoots him the head

bad ash appears to be dead and good ash says good bad i'm the guy with the gun again exactly on formula big action big action set piece you close it with a one-liner check check check little one check and i and andrew am i right that then he makes it to the graveyard? Yeah, he buries. He first cuts him up and buries him, yeah. Yeah, and then there's another funny line there where Bad Ash is telling him that he's going to come and kill him while just his head is in the pit. And Good Ash is like, hey, you've got something on your face.

And he's like, no, I don't. And he just throws a huge shovel full of dirt in his dirt in his face and you're like is good i don't know that's a classic that's just a good schoolyard heckle but then he's already to the books you think i always thought there was going to be more challenges but then he's already head to the books no you're right it's like only the first 40 minutes of this movie have plot and then the second half is all just the big battle yeah but hey i mean i i'm not yeah i'm not i got it so the burying of badass takes place in the graveyard and so then he's just already in the graveyard and the but and the necronomicon sitting right there but there's one little twist too many too many traps there's three three books two of them are

there are three books on the altar so So it's like, which one's the right book? And of course, he picks the wrong two first. Like each one of them has a little trap. He opens the first book and it's like a giant vacuum suck. It's got just a hole in the book and it sucks him into the book. And it's sort of like, speaking of the Princess Bride, the like quicksand where Wesley and Buttercup go into the quicksand, and the camera just holds on that thing silently. Very similar.

The book closes. Ash has been sucked in, and a few heartbeats go by until the book flaps open, and he's pulling himself out, pulls himself back out of the hole, and all for the payoff of this one visual gag of his face has been stretched out to like three feet long it seems like it was maybe done either in claymation or they maybe they i think they may have put on a giant prosthetic mask that's just hanging off of his face and then he shakes his head and it gets slightly smaller so it's like they had three or four different grades

of big elongated faces for him to wear. Elongated Bruce Campbell chin that's bigger than a normal person's elongated chin. That's a big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's already got one of the most drinkable chins out there. One thing I couldn't help but notice is when he

touches the first two trap books, he does not even attempt to say Klaatu, Vraatu, Niktu. And it's only when he goes and gets the third book, he's like, oh yeah, I gotta say the words. They were just trying to blow through it. They were like, we gotta get this done in around 20 minutes. Yeah, they forgot about that. The second book tries to

bite him, and there's kind of like a fight where it's like flying like a sort of unholy butterfly and trying to bite him. Eventually he kills it and finally get to the third book. And then you get the extremely predictable payoff of him saying, Klaatu, Veratu, what is it? What is it? Nectar, necktie.

And then he just does a cough. Klaatu, Veratu. And picks up the book. And he's like, you heard. Yeah, like I said it. Y'all heard me say it. Right. And then the ground is rumbling.

The ground is rumbling. Like the graveyard is exploding. He's like, I said it. I said the word. And just and just rushes back to the castle. So he didn't have any. He doesn't have any trouble getting back to the castle. So he doesn't have any trouble getting back to the castle. It's like the events that are obviously taking place

because he messed up the incantation, they take a little while to unfold. So as he's getting back to the castle and brought back the book, we see in interspersed cuts what's happening at the graveyard, which is that evil Ash, who had been dismembered,

but is now coming back together, rises from the grave and really becomes the king and general of the deadites. Evil Ash is rising from the grave and he's very freshly killed, so he looks like a very badly injured human with like a really bloody head, whereas almost all the other deadites are just dry ass skeletons, like spooky, scary skeleton vibes. They've been in the grave for some time, but they're getting raised as old dry bones. That's what's happening. A whole army of hundreds of these skeletons are just coming out.

Oh, you know what? I did skip a crucial Shempy scene, which is as he's escaping. I said he didn't have any trouble getting back to the castle. That's not completely true. He wasn't injured, but the skeletons were beginning to come out as he exited the graveyard. And there's an extremely Three Stooges scene where he trips and his face comes down to the ground right next to where some bony skeleton hands are coming out of the ground. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I know what you mean. When those bony skeleton hands are coming out of the ground. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, I know what you mean.

When those bony skeleton hands are coming out of the ground. Yeah, we can picture it. Everybody knows what it looks like when a skeleton hand jams up out of a gravesite and then tries to do the old, like, two fingers, bunny ears, poke you in the eye, Moe, Larry, and Curly move. And then Ash blocks it with the classic Three Stooges move,

namely, you put your own hand over your nose. That blocks the two-finger poke, right? And then in a funny escalation, two other skeleton hands come in from the side of the frame and poke both his eyes. It really is so funny. I was really laughing. Emily, that's comedy.

Emily, like Henley, at this point, are you willing to pledge that you'll watch this on the Patreon? Oh my God. Oh man, we have to pledge. I'll watch this movie. We have to pledge here. I used to love back to school shopping so much that i would tell my mom

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I'm going to do it. I'll watch this movie. Andrew's point is crucial, which is like there's still 30 to 40 minutes left in this movie. And we kind of have hit about 19 out of 20 plot beats. kind of have hit about 19 out of 20 plot beats. The only other thing that's really crucial to the plot is really a character turn when he arrives back at the castle with the book and says, I did my part.

I brought back the book. Now you got to send me back. And the wise man is like, did you, just checking, did you say the words? And he's like, I may not have said every single little syllable. But yeah, I said the words. So the wise. Basically, yeah.

Right, right, right. So, of course, the wise man knows that means no. And he knows then what is going to transpire, which is the army of the dead is coming. He's super pissed and says, like, you got to help us fight. Like, we're all going to be killed. like you gotta help us fight like we're all gonna be killed you have to help us fight like a scary like pterodactyl style deadite shows up and picks up sheila and so everyone knows things are going wrong that's like the first foray of the deadites would be the flying ones they come everyone knows it's going wrong uh he's already said he's not gonna help them sheila's flown back and turned into evil Sheila, which we saw in the, in the trailer.

But then Ash has like a change of heart and like, right. As everyone's about to flee and they're like, just, let's just go up to the mountains and maybe we can survive there. He's like, no, let's fight them. And for some, and like, for whatever reason, they're like, yeah, the one guy, the one really ripped burly guy with a handlebar mustache who hasn't had a line the whole movie's like i'll stay with you and then ted ramey jacks from scene a warrior princess who's also in a lot of the spider-man movies and a lot of sam ramey's

movies is like you have my steel even though he's wearing this i feel like he might also be in the grudge is that i don't know right i don't know sorry to just throw that no i'm gonna i'm gonna google image search it right now i wouldn't put it past all one of the rameys is in the grudge is that i don't know right i don't know sorry i didn't just throw that no i'm gonna i'm gonna google image search it right now i wouldn't put it past all one of the rameys is in the grudge i'm i'm sure of it only one who's an actor um it must be him yeah it's him there he is i mean he's always wearing glasses he's like a nerdy guy with glasses yep the cast of these movies are really pushing the boundaries of what it means to be an actor. To be a cast, frankly. Versus a collection of shimps.

So Ash decides to stay, and that's when we get the montage where he's doing Connecticut Yankee and King Arthur court shit, where it's like they're dragging his car. His car is still out in the desert of England, the Mojave Desert of England, and they're pulling his car in, and you're opening the trunk, and right on the top of the trunk is Chemistry 101, and they are making gunpowder. He's teaching the wise man chemistry how to make gunpowder. There's more bullets in the trunk. Yeah, we all learned it in Chemistry 101.

Oh yeah, first thing you learn. They're pulling up the engine of the car. I don't know what they did with the engine, but there's this whole part of the montage where they're pulling an engine out of the car. I don't know. And I don't know, they're just preparing for, but there's this whole part of the montage where they're pulling an engine out of the car I don't know and They're I don't know they're just preparing for the deadites and we're also seeing a little bit of the deadites Preparation as they're gonna come in and you know murder all the humans after their preparations are complete They know they have like a couple days that for take the skeletons to walk this far somehow so they have like a day to do the

Connecticut Yankee stuff like a like a saying. And so they've developed all these fun armaments, like the way you do in a medieval, you know, the good guys get to make catapults and stuff and siege warfare, all of a sudden, that's what they're building over the course of like a day,

day and a half. And then you see the skeletons crest the hill. So now we're ready for the battle and this army of, I don't know, maybe a thousand skeletons, they're pretty sizable,

comes down the hill to lay siege to this castle and they say there's only 60 of them there's only 60 human human men so at first they're just laying waste because this the weapons are approaching i just gotta call out that they're playing skeleton flute and skeleton skulls as drums they're playing their like war song as they're approaching and this was another thing all these skeleton gags just really that's a great point i think the flute is a femur it's a femur yeah it's like a bone flute what's the bone flute a femur femur and then little skull drums and they are just marching in playing their little skeleton war song and i am just absolutely delighted by it that is it an actual full song yeah honestly it might need to be punched up oh punch up the skeleton flute oh my snap i'll definitely do that

because you know if we watch the trailer and there's a lot of like heavy metal happening in the trailer to strongly signal like how rocking and masculine this movie is. But that doesn't happen in the movie. It's the wrong vibe. And that never happens in the scary parts of the movie. movie would be cut today to just adhere to our genre standards and say like, oh, the bloody stuff, that equals heavy metal. But that's not in this movie. And when the skeletons play

music, it's like fife and drum revolutionary war Lexington Concord type stuff. The vibe of this movie is like, Sir Robin ran away, Sir Robin ran away. That's the vibe of the movie it is like like it is not too dissimilar from monty python search for the holy grail yeah yeah okay so highlights from the battle and i i guess um a backdrop here is that you know ash did get with sheila before he went off in his

quest so they had a romantic connection in French. It implied that they had sex, although we didn't see it, only because he used the phrase pillow talk somewhat later. But now they are estranged because she's been captured by the army and turned into some, like,

light and dark version. We can't tell if she's fully turned into a zombie when we see her. Is she recoverable or not? We can't tell if she's fully turned into a zombie when we see her. Is she recoverable or not? We don't know, but that's a part of the backdrop of what's happening outside the battle. I do think that later he might refer to her as a she-bitch.

And that effectively is what she is, is some sort of unhuman semi-dead she-bitch. Somewhere between Sheila and pit bitch. Yes. Yes. In between.

It's perfect. Exactly. They were two separate characters. Perhaps we could have passed the Bechdel test. Yeah. Perhaps. Not even close. It's all,

I mean, it's an allegory. We've all been there in a relationship where your significant other is somewhere between a Sheila and a pit bitch. Yeah. It's an allegory for sure. where your significant other is somewhere between a sheila and a pit bitch yeah so highlights from the battle it starts out where they're just taking out skeletons left and right they have their explosives that they've made with the gunpowder so they're shooting arrows that explode it's very gratifying to see the skeletons blown you're like hell yeah humans human race will survive you know uh this also an allegory perhaps for climate change who knows what it could be an allegory for but as in so many as in so many things just the sheer volume of

skeletons you just you just get overwhelmed no matter how many you blow up eventually a couple dozen of them can get through with a battering ram. They put down a big plank over the moat, and they can't blow that up before the battering ram skeletons come down. They start bashing the gates. Even though they've taken out hundreds of skeletons, there's hundreds more taking their place, and eventually they overrun the walls. Basically, if you've seen the Battle of Helm's Deep from the Two Towers,

you've seen this battle. You've seen this battle. Eventually they're going to make it through the door. But that is where Ash finally drives out his car, and his car has kind of been transformed into a tank. He's running people over in his car. There's like probably at least a dozen times people are yelling, protect the tower!

Protect the book! Because the book is hidden in the tower, and if the book is, if they get the book. We don't want them to get the book. That's what they want back. They want the book. Yeah, if they get the book, it don't want them to get the book. That's what they want back. They want the book. Yeah, if they get the book, it's all over. Apparently. Got it, got it, got it. But they get

the book. They get to the book. They get it in the tower. The tank blows up. Of course, it's Evil Ash that gets in with the book and then it's a face-off between Ash and Evil Ash who now is just like flesh hanging on bone over the Necronomicon. Yeah, he gets his hand on the book but I guess isn't able to,

it doesn't culminate in like casting the spell or whatever that would result in apocalypse. So evil Ash and good Ash have their final confrontation on, you say, the parapet wall of the castle. There's other skeletons and stuff fighting the normal humans down below, but everyone knows that the highest stakes battle that will determine it all is happening between the good and evil versions of Ash, right?

And now we've got some real King Arthur-y swordplay happening. Pivotal moment. We're at the final battle of good and evil and just when all just when all seems lost you know another like great payback from ash's uh good deeds before just when the english humans are getting overwhelmed on the inside of their own castle who comes over the hill but duke henry bringing his men back to the rescue The cavalry showing up to come to their aid because humans got to unite when you're facing the alien threat. There are no sides at this point.

Again, a major Battle of Helm's Deep, you know, Two Towers moment. You know, like Gandalf riding over that big hill with the Riders of Rohan. Here's Duke Henry the Red coming in. So true. I was thinking Independence Day, you know. This is our Independence Day! Everybody, all countries of the world come together to fight the aliens.

All humans must come together to fight the Army of Darkness. Yes. And this is also the moment that another one of the greatest one-liners of the movies hit. But it's tough, because there's like, I think you could, it would be hard to pick like the top 50 one-liners of the movie's hit. But it's tough because there's like, I think you could, it would be hard to pick like the top 50 one-liners of this movie

because there's just so many Ash one-liners. There's so many. It's like wall-to-wall one-liners. Yeah, the bad Ash is finally getting away from the book. Like Ash burned him up and threw him over the wall and then he jumped back up. So now he's only a skeleton.

All his flesh has been burned off and he's gotten the book and he's like, now I have the book. Like you'll lose forever. But of course, Ash notices that he's standing on top of the loaded catapult, which is not a good place to stand. If you read, that's

actually the number one thing on OSHA regulations in the United States. Don't stand on a loaded catapult. Actually, I read that actually in Physics 101. Oh, wow. that actually in Physics 101. Oh, wow. And Ash has a line that's like, buckle up, bonehead. And he like in one swoop knocks the book out,

the Necronomicon out of his hand with his sword and then comes back around and slices the rope that launches him into the air. And there's also somehow some gunpowder involved. So then there's a huge explosion in midair as evil ash blows up. Nice. And then all the, even though it's like full of bad guys, they all immediately retreat. And the conflict is over.

They say we got to get out of here, which I thought was interesting. That is interesting. Where are they going? You kill the queen bee and the workers are very disorganized. Yeah, that's true. No, they couldn't possibly keep it together. They need leadership. That's right.

I accepted that. Of all the various disbeliefs I had suspended, this was an easy one for me. I was like, of course, the leader is dead. The skeleton is our moose. The following action Is very brief It's just like About Ash going home And

There's just one simple thing He needs to do To make sure that Going back to his time Works well All he has to do Is say these Three little words correctly

And they are Klaatu Verato Niktu Niktu Which I will note I'm not I'm not saying consistently each time. I'm not sure what the right thing is to do. Hard words to remember, for sure.

He was saying, I've got them, I've got them. I'm like, I already forgot them, and you just said them right now. I'm making fun of Ash for not knowing them, but I think it's Klaatu Verato, but I was watching with subtitles on on YouTube, and it was saying Klaatu Barada, like the cheese. Barada. Klaatu Barada.

This viewing, I was kind of like, you know what? Maybe I'm on Ash's side with not being able to say the words right. It's tough. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So he screws up the words. Of course.

And he flashes forward to being in the, it's not a Safeway, it's an S-Mart, right? Which is kind of like a Safeway. Saying the wrong word didn't bungle the main time travel. He did return to his own time because it's a hard cut to an outro scene where he is in S-Mart. And everything was fine.

Maybe he said the words right. So he's in S-Mart and that's basically returned full circle to his origin where he is just a simple clerk on the floor. Talking to Ted Ramey, basically bragging about his adventures and being like, so I could have stayed in Ben King. Okay. And just then, a zombie lady deadite jumps out. Dare I say an S-Mart bitch?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an S-Mart bitch. Yes. S-Mart bitch. And we're meant to, it doesn't label this, but we're meant to infer that that's the outcome of him bungling the words, is that maybe some deadite was sucked into the vortex or allowed to come with him. Some little bit of the dark magic came back with him. He made the trip, but this deadite lady,

she does look a lot like the pit bitch, starts wreaking havoc in the store, breaking stuff, trying to kill him. Says the old, I'll swallow your soul. I feel like, do they say that in all of the Evil Dead movies? Yeah, there's a lot of swallowing souls. But there's also a lot of great stunting Where like he's riding around

In a shopping cart like Shooting a shotgun that he breaks out of the cabinet She's like doing backflips Off of trampolines like S-Mart trampolines Like it's just funny it's a funny scene There's another girl like In the middle of that scene like we skipped this somehow But like a love interest has been introduced Like right after he was talking to Ted.

Oh, sure. You got to have one because we, we said goodbye to Sheila. Yeah. And like, almost like the anti Bechdel way, Sheila has been said goodbye to,

and like they had a smooch right before he just went off into the sunset. Like goodbye. You can't come to my time. Like it's been fun, Sheila. Goodbye. And then in the next scene where we are now back in s mart he's just flirting with like a hot sales lady in like whatever the opposite of the bechdel test is where you can just replace one love interest with another or it's just completely just like filling the gap with like

now we just put another good-looking actress in this in this new scene that's how this goes that's how this goes but ted's how this goes. But Ted Raimi is like, yeah, yeah, sure. You were almost King. And then like the next line is her saying like that story about how you were

almost King. I think it's pretty cool. And then like, and then like the next line is the S mart bitch being like, I'll fucking kill you. And like, and like Sam Raimi has packed all of that into like 25 seconds. And like,

frankly, a pretty frankly a pretty a pretty fun way in my opinion yeah uh so that so so he kills the the smart bitch and then i think the last line in the movie is he kisses the new lady who is not named sheila is not named linda but is a replacement for those two characters as evan mentioned and then he just goes hail to the king baby and the movie's over oh my god what a fucking crazy movie it's wild i can't believe this was made at all to be honest but sammy did you watch the original ending no i don't think so what we just described is the ending that everyone saw in theaters. And it's really good.

That is a good reshoot. If the studio comes to you and says, this ending sucks, you've got to redo it. It's fun with the S-Mart, with Ted Raimi, with the S-Mart bitch. But it's not what they made originally. In the original one. This is crazy. They put him in a cave and they blow up the cave door and bury him in the cave. And they've made a tincture and he has to drink six.

According to the instructions of the Necronomicon, this is how he's got to get back to his time. Six drops of the tincture to sleep until the present day. And he drinks five drops and then he gets distracted. And he's like then he's like He's like counted up to five Like one, two, three, four, five Gets distracted by like some crumbling And then he goes five, six

And drinks two more drops Funny, similar to Klaatu Varadzor And then he wakes up He has a beard that's like down to his knees So he's slept seven centuries Instead of six Yeah, and so he slept seven centuries instead of six yeah and he pushes he pushes out of the cave and you see just like a desolate wasteland ruined by the apocalypse he's in like ruined london like big ben is on its side everything is like covered

in smoke and destroyed everyone is dead and he just screams i slapped too long and that was that's the end of the movie and it was determined to be too depressing oh my god that's a better it's very funny that's a pretty funny ending as far as the reshoot goes like that's a good reshoot but that other ending would be like one of the greatest endings of all time. And it's pretty sad. Yeah, that's that's very funny. I don't know, you guys. The original ending is really speaking to me.

And I don't know whether it's because I'm just in like a nihilistic mood. I'm feeling like Timothee Chalamet in Societal Collapse is in the air. Yeah, it is. He's right. Trust in Timmy. It's the Afrin hitting. The Afrin is hitting. You know what?

The Afrin has atrophied my brain. Yeah, right. I in Timmy. It's the Afrin hitting. The Afrin is hitting. You know what? The Afrin has atrophied my brain. Yeah, right. I'm in Afrin withdrawal right now. You're right. You have no hope left. You feel as though you might as well sleep too long. Afrin is gone. I mean, cinematically,

the original ending with the seven drops is superior. It is. It's just a great last line for a movie. I slept a lot. Yeah, it's perfect. I want my daddy back.

Oh my God. So relatable. God. One of the things in the IMDb trivia said this movie was Bruce Campbell's first and last starring role in a studio film, which feels very shocking to me and possibly incorrect. Like the other, let's remind everyone, IMDb trivia is user submitted. Yeah, it is. Huh.

Like, I feel like it's like the Carrie Elwes effect, that he's just, like, too good looking and too charismatic, and he just became a parody of himself. And, like, too specific, maybe? Right. Like, one of those things of just, like, I don't know. This became his thing, and then they couldn't find another vehicle for him. Yeah.

The shtick is so specific that you're doing a parody of, you have to be handsome to do this type of parody of handsome, but then you're also delivering dialogue in a comedic way that it is possible that maybe this man can't pull off a leading man role because he's always doing it a little tongue-in-cheek. Right, it is possible. But it's like more power to him. He became like a Comic-Con guy, like early guy who like understood the power of the internet and understood like

if i go to big comic book conventions people will buy my book for 20 and i'll sign it for them and talk to them and he's very nice and like yeah he seems like a cool guy i think he's he's been very successful he's in all i think he's in all three of the Spider-Man movies and maybe even in the latest Doctor Strange movie that Sam Raimi, is he in that? Yep. This is Sam Raimi doing penance. Like he won his way into like the biggest studio picture possible. By ruining Bruce Campbell's career.

By ruining Bruce Campbell's career. And he's like, I made it up here to the hundred million dollar studio pictures i that's crazy i will let you come in and say one line old friend cameo and i'm pretty sure they were high school friends like imagine being high school friends and just like you can only guess that bruce campbell is the popular jock and sam ramey's the nerd but like through a love of movies or like a family friendship they bond. And like, he's still got to throw Bruce Campbell a bone after ruining his career when Bruce Campbell could have been maybe like more of a,

maybe not a Tom Cruise type, but I don't know. Carrie always was loose and twister. There's no comparison. Maybe, maybe we need to have a Bruce Assange. A Bruce Assange. Bruce Assange is uponange Bruce Assange it's upon us

what's what's the best role in the history of like the 1990s and 2000s that Bruce Campbell could have had but didn't have

like what would be the best role that you just swap Neo in the Matrix obviously would have been a very different portrayal

I'm going with Ethan Hunt in all seven Mission Impossible movies. Oh, wow. You're thinking of franchise pictures. For some reason, the one I pictured was he could have been Ben Affleck in Armageddon. I feel like that, yeah.

I see that. I mean. I see that. Hunky astronaut. I don't think there's another possible Ethan Hunt. There's that famous. I'll die on that hill. There's that famous anecdote about Ben Affleck on the set of Armageddon

asking Michael Bay, like why would they send oil drillers to space to do this instead of just training NASA astronauts to be oil drillers? And Michael Bay being like, shut the fuck up. I would just, I'd like to say there's a zero percent chance a zero percent chance that Bruce Campbell would have had that argument with Michael Bay yeah Bruce Campbell would

have just been like wow great script yeah we're doing it we're doing it I love this 100% on board no questions exactly right and that's the best argument for the Bruce's aunts let's make it happen yeah I would take Bruce Campbell in a Mission Impossible movie. Yeah, but that's what keeps happening to Bruce. He keeps being in these movies. We need him to be a leading man. Sure, sure. I just also want to go out on a limb and say, I think Bruce is probably fine.

I think that's fine. You know, as a pro Tom Cruise, Emily, you've reminded me that a Bruce Campbell type Character was the recent antagonist In Mission Impossible I'm thinking of the Henry Cavill Henry Cavill I was just thinking about that also They kind of look alike I'd like to see them Very similar chin Yep I want to see them together Yes the glowing

Eyebrows If anything I would actually say there may be Exact opposites They're like the same and it's like Ash and Evil Ash in that like I think Henry Cavill takes himself so seriously that they're like two exact opposites. Okay, okay. I have a pitch. I have a pitch. I have a pitch.

Yes. Because you guys are right. Ethan Hunt is too big for him. It's got to be more of a character actor thing. But he can't be someone who's just like, oh, he's kind of the side guy. He can't be like the villain in a Marvel movie. When Robert Redford is in Captain America Civil War,

in the first five minutes, you're like, oh, Robert Redford's in this? He's the bad guy. He must be. Right, of course, of course. Otherwise, there's no way. Bruce Campbell as Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men.

Whoa. Just shooting people through the head with his nail gun. His pressure nail gun. Flipping the coin. Do you think he could have pulled off that role? Do you think he has the acting chops? Exact same haircut. I mean I'd watch it. I'd watch it. I'd watch it. I want to

see him naked stitching himself up in the bathroom. What a fun time. What a truly fun time. It's not often the case. I know. This is like really the opposite of human centipede, I'd say. Yeah. Totally.

It's completely the opposite. You've absolved yourself here Evan We've balanced the universe The scales I was just happy to be invited back I thought it might be persona non grata You thought you'd burn to that bridge Burn the bridge

Well Andrew does live more in the positive He doesn't have anything weighing him down So you know You're back at even Andrew's net positive. Yep. And if you could do a little punch up of the skeleton war song. We would love that if you could. In all your free time.

Right. What would it actually sound like if you were playing on a femur fleet? Yeah. We need to know. Try your best to replicate that if you can. That'd be a good punch up. Speaking of, tell our listeners about Punch Up the Jam and where they can and

should find all of your other very good content. Andrew and I are the co-hosts of Fellow HeadGum Podcast, Punch Up the Jam, in which we talk about one song per episode, much like this podcast talks about one movie. And we talk about one song per episode, much like this podcast talks about one movie. And we talk about some famous song that you know about.

When we did Tit for Tat Tradesies, Emily and Sammy came on and we talked about Barbie Girl by Aqua, an unholy, awful song, which we're very happy to punch up because the point of our show is after we talk a song to death, dissect it, we uncover all the nuggets that you didn't even know you heard within the song. At the end of each episode, we produce an improved version. It's always better every time we improve these songs that were already Titanic chart-topping hits. And, of course, by improved, I mean make them much worse.

But what are the other songs that we've done recently the last couple of months? I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men, Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran, Every Time We Touch by Cascade. Brandy, you know that old hit? Brandy, you're a fine girl, such a fine girl. We did that one a couple of weeks ago. We've done classics like Imagine by John Lennon. I think we have an episode coming out soon that is Sugar by Maroon 5,

which was really distressing to me to read the lyrics. To read the lyrics to that song, it was really, it's a lot dirtier than you think. In the post-Adam Levine scandal world, the song reads differently. So anyway, I strongly recommend you come join us

over at our podcast and check out, a great starting point would be the Barb Girl episode with the hosts of Too Scared to Watch. Yeah, and we're better known as we help run a YouTube channel called Shmoyoho where we make YouTube videos that are remixes and comedy songs. This summer we had a fun viral hit with a song called It's Corn. If you haven't watched it, if you haven't watched it, or if you want to watch it in, come over to our YouTube channel and watch It's Corn.

It's a banger. I gotta say, guys, I've been doing some Christmas shopping and I've been perusing Etsy, which is where I tend to prefer to do my gift shopping. And It's Corn merchandise has taken over The Etsy marketplace I don't know if you guys get

I'm assuming you don't get a single smidgeroo Of that but oh boy Smidgeroo boy There is a lot of it's corn Have you bought any of it? I bought all of it I have not bought any of it Spoiler alert that's what our

christmas presents are gonna be unwrapped but i was just like oh my god that i mean i knew it it's a it's a smash hit i absolutely love it's corn um but everybody does everybody does they're making merch they're making merch it's as big as the titanic did you see that tarik was in them you saw that tarik was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Oh! So cute. It would be better. It would be better.

I mean, Thanksgiving is a great day for corn. Yeah, it's a good day for corn. It's a very corn-oriented day. What a little cutie. Yeah, everybody check out It's Corn. Everybody check out Punch Up the Jam. And yeah, I think... I think that does it.

Yeah, thank you guys so much for coming on. This was fun. Thank you so much. Thank you so, so, so much. This has been the highlight of my week. Thanks for having me back and letting us join you here in your special, special space. You guys are welcome anytime. It's true.

It's a real pleasure. Thank you all. And we usually end with a voice. What kind of voice we got here in this movie? It's got to be Ash. Oh, but they do it better. I don't know how to do Ash. What does he say?

Groovy. It's hard to really do. Let's just look at the IMDb quote page for Sheila. Oh, there are no quotes. Oh, there are no quotes for Sheila. Interesting. Oh, not a single good line for her. Huh? I'm the king, baby. What does he say? Hail to the king. Hail'm the king, baby. What does he say?

Hail to the king. Hail to the king, baby. Okay, okay, I got it. From all of us here at Too Scary Didn't Watch, goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of Too Scary Didn't Watch. If you like the show, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and give us a rating a review on apple podcasts or spotify you can follow us on social media at tstw podcast on instagram and twitter and if one

episode a week just is not enough for you head on over to patreon.com slash tstw podcast to become a patron and receive all sorts of extra goodies from us including bonus episodes trailer reactions and more and no matter what we will see you right here next week for another episode we love you so much bye that was a hate gum podcast