Too Scary; Didn't Watch - BREAKING DAWN PART 1 with Joel Jensen

Episode Date: April 17, 2024

Watch us unravel as we recap the most fucked installment of the Twilight series yet, BREAKING DAWN PT. 1!!! Thank god we are joined by Horrorspondent, Joel Jensen, who wrote this Letterboxd review that is now burned into our brain: "There is no story here, only an all-pervading pathology hallucinated into being through the instruments of our generation’s best and worst actors, all buckling under the weight of delirious conservatism and craven market exploitation. A defining document of American Puritanism in that it bears no meaning, only fear and shareholder value. Fear of sex, yes, but also of virginity. Fear of both abortion and motherhood, of fetus and baby, of hate and love, of fathers and lovers, of Brazil and Switzerland." thank you joel we love you <3TrailerMovie stats @ 15:18Recap @ 34:51Follow the show: @TSDWpodcast on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram.Check out our Patreon for bonus episodes and additional content!Rate Too Scary; Didn’t Watch 5 Stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Emily, Henley, and Sammy.Advertise on Too Scary; Didn't Watch via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is Emily, Henley, and Sammy, and you're listening to Too Scary, Didn't Watch. Hi everyone, welcome to Too Scary, Didn't Watch, the horror movie recap podcast for those too scared to watch for themselves. I'm Emily and I am too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Henley and I'm also too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Sammy and I love watching scary movies and so I watch them so that you don't have to. And holy shit, you guys, we have a very special episode today that will also be available as a video episode on our Patreon if you want to check that out.

But this is a special episode for Emily's birthday. Wow. And I absolutely can't wait for the next hour and a half, two hours, four hours, four hours, eight. But if you want to jump straight to our recap check out timestamps in the show notes because we have just a tad of a little bit of

haunted housekeeping doing my horror update still love it we got a trailer for the speak no evil remake did not watch it did I did watch it I did watch it it looks like there are some differences okay but i didn't know that ashling franciosi is in it who is the main actress in the nightingale

and i really love her so that that gets me even more interested j James McAvoy is fucking jacked in this trailer. Yeah. I was like, when did he get so beefy? I guess, is he in Marvel movies or something? He's doing something. What's he doing? He was in X-Men, but I feel like he was Professor X, who is not beefy. Not beefy.

I think of him as a little more bookish yeah atonement james mcavoy not and i was like whoa you gotta see split yeah i yeah right yeah i gotta um and then did you guys watch the maxine trailer i just couldn't believe the cast i didn't watch it i didn't watch it. I didn't watch it. I really forgot. How dare I? I forgot too. I forgot too. Sorry. Sorry. I'm going to put it up on my phone so that I remember to do it later. Okay, well let me tell you the cast because

I didn't realize the cast was so stacked. We got obviously Mia Goth, Halsey kind of confusingly. Wow. Elizabeth Debicki, Lily Collins, Kevin Bacon, Michelle Monaghan, Bobby Cannavale,

Giancarlo Esposito. Whoa. Whoa. Those are the main ones. Has she made any music recently? I feel like I haven't heard any music from Halsey since like 2015. I don't know. I don't know since like 2015. I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I just threw that out there. I didn't think anyone would know the answer, but. You're asking the wrong girls. I know. I know. Okay.

I do want to see it. I'm curious. It looks great. And then this just really made me laugh. They're rebooting the Scary Movie franchise because the Scream franchise has beenoted that's funny i like that oh my god i'm excited for those so i think we should probably cover those as well yeah we're gonna need to cover those if they're uh i mean i i i can't wait to see what they're like because the originals are have have not aged well i don't think no will they do it better now really hard to say really hard to say i can't wait um that's all the

horror news for today wow on this day that we are we are recording on the day that the Titanic hit an iceberg. That is so true. Wow. That is actually truly the most important thing that ever happened on April 14th. I think it is. No. I think it is. I think more importantly, it's Emily's birthday.

And I just can't wait to hear. On that note, Emily, did anything scary happen to you this week? I mean, I turned a whole year older. I am one full year older today than I was yesterday. Oh, my God. That's how it works. And really, that's not really scary. It's great.

It's great to get to grow older and wiser and more into oneself. So it's pretty I mean, pretty good news. Pretty good news all around. Feeling good about this next year. A lot happened this last year. Really, when you stop and think about all the things that can happen in a year, it's kind of wild. I was thinking back and was like, holy shit, that was all this year. Pretty wild stuff. Yeah. Who knows what you'll be saying next year at this time exactly who knows exactly there's absolutely no way to know there's no way that's actually true we think i think i

know but every day is mystery so um but no i'm just I'm thrilled thrilled to be alive and in this exact life in this exact moment here with you about to cover the movie that we're about to cover I mean I'm the luckiest person on earth I think life doesn't get any better than this

I mean it doesn't I think we've peaked right now in this moment in this moment we're peaking we've peaked right now in this moment. In this moment, we're peaking. We're peaking. We're peaking. We're peaking. We're peaking. We're peaking.

Right now. What a thrill. So, I mean, that's that for me. Did anything scary happen to you guys this week? Well, we're potty training Silas. And so far, it's okay. He has peed in the trash can. And on me.

Could be close. Depends on where you were. Where else? Kitchen floor, outside on the grass. That's only a few hours, so we'll see. Oh, that's all today? Oh, yeah. That's a lot of pee.

Okay, so we're at my parents' house house and my parents have a refrigerator where you can get water and ice from the door as most refrigerators do but we don't have that at our house i don't have that this house is obsessed with it um we'll find any container any receptacle that will hold ice or water and go up to it and just fill it up with ice or fill it up with water. And so he's been drinking a lot more water than normal. So this is unfortunate timing. Terrible, terrible timing. Anyway, I think it's gonna be fine. I'm not too worried about it.

But there's a lot of pee everywhere right now. Maybe it's great timing. Maybe it's like he's getting more chances to to knock it out get it right you know i think so sort of speed through it p as much as possible until you until you nail it yeah get your 10 000 hours get your 10 000 p's like as faster than normal you know exactly he read malcolm gladwell right before we came here. And so I think he probably is in the same mindset. He was like, can you put Malcolm Gladwell- His development is all over the place. Audio books in the car. Yeah. His development is all over the place. Yeah. So, oh, and the other crazy thing, guys, is just the pollen. My God, the pollen here is terrifying. I woke up, I looked out the window, I was like, it's such an intense, like, it looked, the light looked so strange and like crystal

clear, but also very flat. It felt like I was on a different planet. And I was like, I guess it just looks like this in Maryland. And then I walked outside and I saw the yellow powder, like undulating off of the trees. Like it was just like, you know what it felt like? Dune. I felt like I was in Dune 2. Your favorite movie. Yes. I felt like it was Spice and I was Paul Atreides and I was seeing worlds. Wow. You guys. I can't wait to see how many more times You relate something to

Dune 2 because I have a feeling I have a feeling we're in for a treat oh my god I have to tell you Henley last night we went to dinner For my birthday and one of the cocktails On the menu was called Fernetting Sarah Marshall Shut the fuck up Let me talk to that bartender

Yeah we're gonna put you in touch um yeah order it because for ned is disgusting but pretty cool pretty cool name of for a drink that's so cool yeah i know it's so cool to have forgetting sarah marshall be my favorite movie and for everyone to know that about me i love that i love that i know dune 2 is is maybe replaced forgetting sarah marshall but i'll just say I can't choose. I can't choose. Don't make me choose. As a wise person once said, don't make me choose.

This is reminding me of we went to dinner another time where they tried to do little movie names in the food titles and I ordered the salmon, which was called Finding Salmon. They really names in the food titles and i ordered the salmon which was called finding salmon they really they really just didn't didn't try on that one

really really just sort of let that one go i think we told we told the waitress and she was like it we were i think we said to her like who who wrote these yeah and she was like I know they're bad they're bad we're like some of them too we're like called salmon I am salmon like there's so many other there's so many other fish I mean it's like it's the movie is called finding Nemo not finding fish even like it's like that's his name like you could have put like it's not even it doesn't and then they had like a chicken pot pie in the menu that was literally just chicken pot pie like they didn't even it was really inconsistent really inconsistent so we need to put them in touch with the for netting sarah marshall people for some training yeah put those minds together that's how it's done that's how it's

done we should just we should take a picture and put it posted on yelp for the other place and go some training. Yeah. Put those minds together. That's how it's done. That's how it's done. That's how it's done. We should just, we should take a picture and put it posted on Yelp for the other place and go, take note. The salmon was good though. So,

Emily has already heard my scary thing and it's not specifically to this thing, but just kind of an idea I want to talk about is I went into the nail salon without a plan. Sammy, you know better.

You know better. You know yourself better. I don't know what happened. I think I'm about to go to Europe for 10 days and I'm going for a wedding and so I'm just not great at planning a lot of outfits ahead of time and I was like I want to do something fun but also what are all my outfits going to be and I think I just overwhelmed myself into like I guess I just won't think about it at all until I'm there and then I like saw this photo of a kind of French manicure with an ombre type thing like a gradient fade I was like maybe I'll try that like I want to try something

a little different and at the last second like a fucking idiot I was like can you do it in yellow like a pale yellow is what i wanted we tried with the pale yellow wasn't showing up so instead of switching back to white we we went with a crazier yellow and honestly it looks it looks fine it looks totally fine but wait put them right up put up put them right up oh they're cool i like them yeah they're cool but it was just a real journey of like what am i doing here and like knowing that i wasn't really liking them and him going like every step of the way how's this do you like this and me going uh-huh i love it it's perfect literally he asked me probably 15 times i don't think i've ever one time in that scenario been

like oh actually could we change it like i know that that's that is the moment to do it that is why you're asked the question and i i yeah my answer is always no it's great and it's like why why why can't we express ourselves in that moment it's i feel like if i had a clear vision i maybe could have but this was like i don't fucking know what i don't know what i want and so i guess this is what i'm getting and it's perfect and it's i love it so much thank you so much oh my god i came home and had to cut them shorter and i painted another coat of nude over them to try to make it a little more subtle so i'm i'm i'm pleased with the final results but just a warning out there like have a plan get a plan when you're getting your nails

done have a clear plan and maybe even a clear backup plan in case they're out of a color that you want. Really smart. Really smart. Plan ahead. I don't know. It's like a lesson in how far we'll go just to avoid conflict. I mean, not that they would even be mad. Yeah, it's like not conflict.

It's the lowest stakes ever. I know. But boy, does it feel high. It feels really high. And also, it's a person you will probably never see again ever. Yeah. Yeah. Although she did go to my nail guy who I see every two weeks.

But he wouldn't have been mad. I know. He was so nice. He wouldn't have been mad. But it's also like that's not what it's about. Also, I see women standing up for themselves in the nail salon. You know, I see it happen. I see them going.

It should be happening every day. I see them going, I don't like this. Let's try something else. You know, it's like, you know what? I've seen it, too. You know what? The girl next to me while I was doing it did just that. She was like, oh, it's a little too opaque, actually.

Can we find something a little more with? Oh, my God. She was like, oh, it's a little too opaque, actually. Can we find something a little more with a little more full coverage? Oh, my God, a hero. And the way that you just said that, that sounds so... Reasonable. Reasonable. So reasonable.

And natural and empowered. Nobody's feelings were hurt. It was a complete non-issue. Wow. Let's strive to be more like her. Yeah, it was really inspirational. And actually, that's a great intro. You know what? It's almost like, oh, this just occurred to me. I wonder if we tried something else.

Yeah. Here in this moment, we've been on the same page this whole time. Yeah, we're deciding this together. This isn't me. This is us. Well, diplomacy 101. We should be like working for the foreign service i think so um so that was pretty scary but i survived and everything is gonna be okay yeah thank god thank god and things are better than okay like said, because of this week's movie, which is The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part One. Huge. Absolutely huge. Fourth film in the series.

One more to go. I can't believe it. believe it uh it was directed by bill condon written by melissa rosenberg based on the novel by stephanie meyer starring of course kristen stewart robert pattinson taylor lautner um billy burke that's yeah billy burke i mean the those are the three main ones ashley green jackson i mean they all are worth mentioning. Anna Kendrick. Anna Kendrick for a brief moment being, I think peak unlikable.

Wow. And we're joined of course, of course, by our trusty twilight. Well, you haven't been on all of the twilights, have you? You should have though, Joel. We're got to do it again it again we gotta do it again we gotta go again we gotta go back we're joined by correspondent joel jensen welcome hey everybody it's great

great to be here saman on fire samowana oh he's been thinking. Chikenami of the plate. These are names we could be going with at that restaurant. Saman on fire is my favorite. Saman on fire. Samonibal. Samonibal. Samonibal's the winner. I'm so happy to be here. Thanks for having me.

I fucking am obsessed with this movie. I am as well. And I had not seen it since it came out. I remember thinking this one was boring and dumb. And boy, was I wrong. It is incredible. A perfect film. Start to finish. Just unbelievable stuff. But Joel, before we get into that, did anything scary happen to you this week? But Joel, before we get into that, did anything scary happen to you this week? I was thinking about it. I think in a general sense, the scary thing that happened this week is not the specific thing, but surrounding it is the death of OJ Simpson.

Oh, yes. That was a weird one. It's like so weird. He existed more as almost an idea, I think, in my mind that could never die. And in some ways, he can't. But everything that goes with it, I remember when the documentary came out about it on ABC and then the TV show, and a lot of my friends and I got really obsessed with it. I read If I Did It. Whoa. friends and i got like really obsessed with it i read if i did it whoa if i did it is i think the craziest thing other than breaking dawn part one to ever happen in the whole world it is crazy it

is crazy everything even around that book is crazy where like uh the estates like the the like goldman and brown estates sued oj for like the civil suit OJ for the civil suit because they won the civil suit. And he had to pay them a bunch of money, but he didn't have it. And so they made all of the money off of the book, which is also really crazy. Yeah.

The book itself is one of the most maniacal documents I've ever put my hands on it's like truly crazy has anybody here read it no no i'm i'm familiar with uh the kind of what it's about i listened to it on an as an audiobook which added another layer of weirdness because like a narrator like performs it and he's trying to do a really good job and trying to sound like OJ Simpson. Oh, man. He booked that gig and is like, this is going to be huge, but also... He gave his all. And that whole book is... A large chunk of that book is being like, look, I didn't do it, but here's why I would have been justified if I had. It's really crazy.

Do you get the sense that he actually wrote it or it was a ghostwriter who did it? It was ghostwritten. Yeah. I mean, just imagine being the ghostwriter for that project. I know. I know. But it's also very weirdly done

where they invent a character who I think was named Jeremy or something who's acknowledged as fictional in the store in the book and is fake but he's like a stand-in for OJ but also the the premise is that this guy was with OJ that night and it was his idea to go do it and and like OJ walks through what happened but through the lens of this fake guy who is telling him what to do. It's really unhinged. Oh, no.

But I don't know. Just the space that OJ Simpson and all of that occupies in American life and what it was at the time and what its legacy since then is so crazy. Like it's the origin of kardashian fame kardashians which obviously the ripple effects of that are immeasurable yeah um you know timothy chalamet is barely disconnected from that story because of his romantic life you know do we feel like the kardashians were made possible because of that in a way or no do you know what i mean like did he did robert kardashian like gain any success or money or fame through that that directly led to the success of like his daughters or do you think it wouldn't have mattered either way i think

somewhat he was already pretty quite wealthy but he but the fame all came after that instance. Because he was on TV a bunch because he was one of OJ's lawyers. Apparently, he was hardly a practicing lawyer. And the reason that he re-updated his law, I don't know what the words are, license. Law, I don't know what the words are, license? Because OJ, there's a conspiracy theory that basically Kardashian wasn't a practicing lawyer at the time. OJ came to him after the murders and confessed to him what he did and gave him like a bag of evidence. And after that, Kardashian hid it and reinstated his law license

so that he would have attorney-client privilege and would never have to say anything about it to the police. And that's why he became OJ's lawyer. Weren't they friends at USC? They were like college buddies. Yeah, and apparently he participated in covering up later some things that OJ did at USC when they were students, much later, like in the wake the the killings that happened but that

yeah that's like a another of the large conspiracy theories basically is and why one of the one of the main reasons that they didn't have any great evidence was because he took it to kardashian right away and who got and got attorney clamp privilege whoa Whoa. That's fucking nuts. And probably did happen. Probably. And we all just like watched it with our own eyes and everyone knew. And really crazy that everyone just fully knew for the rest of that man's life.

One a hundred percent. What he did. One of the most famous murders of all time. And he was just out and about remember when he got on twitter that was so fucking crazy i remember that was crazy oj joined twitter and was like yeah of course he did yep yeah just like oh right of course we live in a fucking trash heap dystopia of course we're gonna now be like faced with oj's tweets every fucking day. Yeah. Yeah. If you want a real treat, though, I really do recommend Googling

a compilation of Norm MacDonald's weekend update jokes about the trial. Oh, that does sound fun. He was like the right man for the moment. He got fired off of SNL for joking about OJ Simpson too much because some bigwig at NBC was really good friends with OJ.

Damn. And they tried to make him stop doing OJ jokes and he wouldn't and he got fired for it um wow yeah and but his jokes are so so good it's like a miraculously funny work and it's like all just like very direct pointed uh saying he did it all all the time it's real it's really a fun fun watch um i will say also that oj made in america is i think my favorite documentary of all time it's so good so fucking good it's so such a well-made documentary i when i watched it the first time i was so glued to it that i missed therapy i completely forgot i like got a phone call and she's like uh where where are you i was like oh my god i'm not watching oj i'm not gonna

make it but that's like one of the things about it too is like it has that it's that it has this magical power like even in even now yeah it's so captivating. That documentary was amazing. And it just, there's something about it that just like really feels like it gets to some core thesis statement about what we are as a country. And, you know, it basically like launched 24-hour news coverage. Like all of that stuff comes from the OJ trial. Yeah. Yeah. all of that stuff is comes from the oj trial yeah yeah and yeah getting the text message that i think you texted us emily like oj yeah died and it was we got him it was though yeah like

the don't know how to react to it i'm just like oh i get that that's why i text it because I saw it on my phone in the morning. I was just like, ah, ha, ha. Yeah. He just he just died. Went to his grave, never facing consequences for the murders he committed. That would be the only way this could get crazier

is if he did return. That'd be crazier. For sure, that'd be crazier. That would be wildzier. For sure, that'd be crazier. That would be wild. Speaking of wild. Yeah. And speaking of death and resurrection. Exactly.

We're still on Easter. We're still doing Easter movies. Yeah, it's Easter year-round here. I've got some stats. Okay, give us some stats we got a 25 on rotten tomatoes the lowest of the franchise but okay sure it's crazy fine 45 on metacritic and a 4.9 on imdb almost five almost five really close. Really. We'll call it five. The budget was $127 million and it made $712.2 million. Holy shit.

Okay. I don't think I saw this one in theaters, but I saw it soon after because I saw Breaking Dawn Part 2 in theaters. So tell me about your guys' watching experiences. If it was your first, Hen experiences if it was your first henley it was your first it was my first time i was um caught by surprise i really i i don't know what i expected i'd heard the whole plot before multiple times i had seen it before and i was surprised I was like I saw it through new eyes

I it was it was a horror film it was like the first one that's actually the most like a horror film of all of them for sure the end is so upsetting so upsetting

I'd heard I'd heard it obviously I knew what happened but the way that it's shot is like a horror film and i think the other thing which we'll get into obviously i really don't like seeing people starve to death or like be emaciated or malnourished and that was really disturbing to me like seeing ch Chris case do be that skinny really freaked me out. And yeah, I did not like it. And I then I tried to read. Fourteen, fourteen hundred special effects shot in the film.

And most of them were used to make Kristen Stewart look emaciated. I was also trying to like so fucked up. I was trying to read news articles about it at the time. And there's a whole like Hollywood Reporter article about it. And Kristen Stewart has talked before about dropping weight to look toned and sexy in the Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part One. But she did get some extra help looking emaciated in her dying scenes. The visual effects supervisors changed her face shape to make her

seem like she had an eating disorder. It's like, all of it was so weirdly phrased. I mean, what was this? 2011? Like, yeah. Oh, the last line of this article is, We're so glad Kristen didn't have to drop

30 pounds off her already small frame that would have been unhealthy exclamation point oh my god it's like oh we're so relieved the producers didn't make you actually like starve yourself oh my god really unpleasant um yeah I don't know I was entranced I was definitely the most like I was the most like enthralled by this one out of the other ones

yeah I couldn't look away Joel do you feel similarly yeah I think so I haven't seen the final movie of the franchise but I do feel that this is my favorite uh of what i have seen by uh by a long shot i think it is absolutely one of the most like pathologically weird movies i've encountered it um it's unbelievable at times it's un-fucking

believably weird i just i could i could not believe the things that i was seeing also for it to be like the thing that's the teenage hit for this to be it it's so fucking nuts it's really like irresponsible yeah really reckless it's so it's so pro forced birth oh my god it's i mean i i can't i when when you start trying to like parse what the belief system of the mind behind this is your brain gets tangled into knots that are like, you will never be able to untie them again. It's like a dangerous thing to think about is this mind. But also, I also do agree, like, this movie, just like,

the dramatic question that this movie poses is also like much more direct and clear than any of the other movies. It's a movie about the danger of being pregnant with this vampire child. And like every character is just dealing with that human drama in every scene, which I think makes it like a tighter,

just like drama than the other movies are there's like they can't they're not hiding behind uh bad cgi of wolves or or vampires as much though there is there's plenty of that but but it always returns to that one question scene after scene which i do think makes it like it it's one of the reasons why it's so horrifying is like they never run from how from that question of like, what should you what should she do? What would you do? The answer that this movie comes to is fucking horrifying. But I do think it's like really effectively. It just like keeps hitting at that question.

Yeah. Well, it's so much to think about. I'm really trying to untangle it in my mind and I don't know whether we try to now or we try to after we recap. I feel like we gotta recap it. I think Joel is telling us we should never attempt it. Beware if you try.

Elaine, just spin your little head right off your freaking neck. When Joel said that, I actually more, I wasn't worried about me figuring it out. I was more worried about the person, Stephanie Meyer, somehow becoming the next president of the United States. Like somehow getting like total power. That would be really tough.

That would be a bleak. That would be bleak. I mean, I think she has a chance because her worldview is like total death. It's only death that she sees that's it oh my total death that that would be your 20 20 28 slogan stephanie meyer total death vote for total death i mean we we're gonna have to get into this recap because we have a lot to say

but i there is some just some really fun trivia. Did you pull some, Sammy? Yeah. I mean, the first one here on the IMDb page is incredible. A really great one says Robert Pattinson took a boat driving lesson so he would be able to drive the boat in the honeymoon scenes. Despite taking lessons, he crashed the boat in both the lessons while filming in Brazil. Robert Pattinson. He's so special.

His whole life is full of twists and turns like this that you just don't see coming. I got to say another of my favorite trivia is that in this film, Jackson Rathbone has his own hair rather than a wig for the first time in the franchise. Wait, which one is he jasper jasper he says one line in the whole movie and it's come on his his posture though is all i could see every time he was in a shot i was like there he is because he's like so intense j Jasper's my favorite character. I think he's my favorite as well. I really love him. Love Jasper. Apparently, Sofia Coppola was in talks to direct

this movie, and she was considering it, and then she said, we had one meeting and it never went anywhere. I thought the whole imprinting werewolf thing was weird. The baby? Too weird. But part of the earlier Twilight could be done in an interesting way. I thought it'd be fun

to do a teen vampire romance, but the last one gets really far out. I just really want to see the Sofia Coppola version. I really do. Also, I just saw a little trivia that filming wrapped on April 15th, 2011. Wow. So we're about to get to the

13th anniversary of filming concluding on Breaking Dawn Part 1 tomorrow. So it's a really good day to celebrate. And the day the Titanic sunk. And the day the Titanic sank. So also mourn. Also mourn. Celebrate

and mourn. As today, we celebrate and we mourn. Same with OJ Simpson. We celebrate and we mourn. Same with OJ Simpson. We celebrate and we mourn. Yep. I mean, isn't that life? Are we beginning to untangle the web? I think we're beginning to untangle the web.

Wow, we might be. It's promising. It's promising. I say we get right into it because I can't wait. Yeah, we got to get right into it. I mean, this baby's coming, whether you're ready or not. Yeah. In the past few years, I have hit a point where I only want to be wearing clothes that are comfortable.

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too scary. Buyraycon.com slash too scary by Raycon dot com slash too scary. So this is a movie about more so than any of them fundamentally about Bella and Edward. Yes. Their marriage, their dangerous fucking and their child. And the movie begins with Jacob Black. And their child. And the movie begins with Jacob Black.

The movie begins with him in the rain, looking at a piece of paper and getting so mad. Well, we also open with a quote from Bella that's like about childhood doesn't end at a certain age. Childhood ends when you put down childish things. And there's something about mortality in this, which is a creepy statement coming from a movie about somebody who gets pregnant the minute they turn 18. Yeah.

But yeah, then we go to Jake Black. Yeah, I interpret that as her being like, it's fine that I get pregnant because I've decided that I'm an adult now. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, Jacob throws this paper on the ground, runs out of his house, turns into a werewolf,

runs into the woods. His dad sees what he was looking at and we see it's an invitation to the wedding of Bella and Edward. We see Bella's, Charlie, her dad, seeing the invitation. We see Bella's mom, weirdly,

who cares, see the invitation. I love seeing's mom, weirdly. Who cares? See the invitation. I love seeing her in Florida. Insane CGI background. It's so funny. It's obviously sand on a sound screen. She's in Jacksonville, Florida, on the beach 24-7, obviously. Also,

Edward's name is Edward Anthony Mason Cullen? Apparently. Apparently. Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. Apparently. Apparently. Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. Didn't know. Really interesting stuff. And then I believe... I think we see her trying on heels, which we know she can't do because she's so awkward.

So awkward. And she needs her converse. She's stumbling. Alice is trying to show her how to wear heels and she just can't figure it out. Also, there are like five inch heels. Like they don't need to be that high. And I think they do look like three sizes too big for her. They're huge and big and crazy.

Loose, big heels. Yeah. And she's like, I've been practicing for three days. I've been breaking them in for three days and Alice tells her Alice tells her to go home and get her beauty sleep before the wedding and she looks

up and sees Edward looking very pained in the window but she goes home she's in her bedroom because this is her last night in her childhood home this is her last night before she becomes a woman and of course Edward comes into her window or through her window and is in her childhood home this is her last night before she becomes a woman and of course edward comes into her window or through her window and is in her room and make sure he needs to tell her about his past he needs to tell her something she doesn't know about him before she commits

eternity with him and he needs to tell her about before he when he rebelled against carlisle's way of life for a short time he wanted to drink human blood he had to do it and we cut to a scene from the i don't know 1930s 1940s he's in a packed movie theater a woman gets up to go down and down the hallway alone and we're thinking uh-oh uh-oh what's edward about to do he's about to kill this young woman but then we see a man get up from his seat fall the woman out and edward kills that man and we learned that he was the vampire vigilante he was absolutely the dexter of his time and he tells me he has he has a VO over these scenes where he's telling about all the men I killed were monsters. But so was I.

But I actually find this very compelling of like that. Like he did a Dexter style. He was a vampire vigilante. He targeted people who were going to do something bad. But he still cherishes human life so much that he condemns himself for what he did i think that that's actually a pretty interesting idea for him to be like i tried the my best to like render judgment on who deserved to die and looking back on that i'm ashamed even of that so it's also this movie's anti-death penalty

that's unless you're a a woman who has sex then it's very pro-death penalty then it's also this movie's anti-death penalty. Unless you're a woman who has sex. Then it's very pro-death penalty. Then it's pro-death penalty. Absolutely. In Stephanie Meyer's world, this is how things work. She is going to be a complicated president. And Bella, in typical Bella fashion, is immediately like, oh, that's totally fine. I don't care at all.

You probably saved more lives than you took like you did a good thing you're amazing you've never done this thing wrong in your life i think another reason why this film is more interesting is because up until this point up until she gets pregnant bella's essentially her entire personality is like i'm horny and i want to have sex with you like i'm horny and i want to have sex with you and like that's kind of her whole vibe for several movies and then she gets pregnant and things change a little bit yeah her priorities

are in a different direction but in the beginning she's still essentially that's her whole character she asked him if he's a virgin in this scene right oh yes and I wanted to hear your guys' thoughts on this part yeah how many people do you think edward is fucked yeah he says they both laugh he said that there's

there's one thing you don't know about me and she goes what you're you're not a virgin haha i was like a joke um i think that edward has fucked like 20 people oh interesting i think edward is not only a virgin i think he's straight up no fap and has been that way for like 100 years which is why he looks like that that actually makes more sense to me yeah yeah yeah um this whole scene reminded me of the scene in vampire's kiss where he's like hallucinating talking to therapist, talking about how he's raped and murdered people. And she's like, it's fine. Like people get murdered all the time.

Like, who cares? Like that was Kristen Stewart and Nicolas Cage's Robert Pattinson. And it was a real conversation. It wasn't a hallucination. It was real. It was real. But they can't really get into it too much because all of the other Cullen's start popping up at the window to take Edward to his bachelor party. And the sound is so funny.

Jasper's one line comes in this moment where he says, come on, Edward. And he nails it. And then and then the sound effect goes. It's like a full cartoon movement sound effect. And it's time for Edward to go to his bachelor party. And Bella is like, oh, what are you going to do at your bachelor party? As if she's like jealous of what Edward's going to get up to. And he says, well, she goes, what are you going to do?

You're going to have some strippers. And he says, probably a mountain lion, couple of bears. And then he goes to leave and he says, see you at the altar. And she says, I'll be the one wearing white. And he jumps out of the window down. His brothers all do, they do a little bear hug and they're like wrestling each other. They do the

like classic guy laugh, which is going ha ha ha. That's what it's like being a guy. That's how it is. When it's good, that's what it's like. That's what it's like being a guy that's how it is when it's good that's what it's like but i do think it's like so funny that he had just gone on this like uh speech like monologue bemoaning killing men and then it's like yeah i think we're gonna go kill some mountain lions and bears now and have some fun you just do some classic big game hunting then cut to it's it's the wedding we see bella walking down the aisle in a white dress it's gorgeous flower rose petals falling

from all around her we see everyone she loves wearing white we see edward smiling at her. She walks down. She's at the altar with Edward. And all of a sudden, the vows start turning a bit sinister. And she looks down at her feet. And oh, my God, there's blood pooling towards her feet. And she looks at Edward and he has blood all over his mouth. And she looks down and she's standing on a pile of corpses of everyone she knows and loves covered in blood herself wakes up it's just a bad dream she looks absolutely haggard she's 18 years old and she looks like she's never slept a day in her life i said thank god it was a dream because you looked really bad you also it was a nasty wedding dress. She looked really bad.

I also think it's notable how anticlimactic this wedding is. It's ostensibly, well, you think it's what this whole series has been leading up to, only to realize, no, this was only a minor footnote on the trek to make her body a vessel for pregnancy.

You're like, like oh this wedding doesn't matter at fucking all yeah well we haven't gotten to the real wedding but we are about to get to the real wedding which is alice is doing her makeup it's the wedding day uh rosalie comes and does her hair wow weddings make everything right rosalie it's not touching my hair not with hair like that i know there's supposed to be a big reveal where her mom comes in and sees her and she's like oh you're the most beautiful and she looks essentially the exact same that she did in the previous scene her hair is just up and she has some eyeshadow on yeah and and then uh alice and alice won't let bella's parents hug her because they don't want her to ruin her hair and makeup which i think is so funny being like on your wedding day don't touch her don't touch her but yeah everyone is like oh my god she's so gorgeous she's ready to get married

and she walks down the aisle in a better dress than the nightmare dress her mom and charlie give her a hair pin thing that's uh and her mom says a line that just really stuck with me, which was your first family heirloom. I know. As though there are many more to come. We have so many of these. She's just like holding onto them, waiting to dole them out to Bella.

And now your second family heirloom. And your third family heirloom. And really bringing it home saying like, someday you'll give it to your daughter and your granddaughter. Right. That was kind of the whole purpose. Child rearing is a big, big part of this story. And yeah, she walks down the aisle.

She walks up to Edward. They immediately say say I do that was really funny yeah the first thing that happens is the vows that was so funny that there was no intro there was no intro it was just straight in was like cause for those who don't know I'm gonna be

officiating Emily and Joel's wedding and so I was like let's see what this officiant says not a single word not one word from the officiant it they just do it all themselves i couldn't even take any notes of how to be a good officiant so no sorry sorry when it no research when when you do just jump in that way it really highlights how silly a wedding is like there's something about it that just seems really silly if you have no uh just warm us up like context you know like say something about the couple say something about them just going in raw going in raw

they they kiss they're married um they make out for a long time they make out for a long time it's it's pretty we will do yes i was i was i was like this is going on for a while if i was in the audience i would be like okay i do think it's really weird when people like make out at their that's just not the time for it no but again like i will be doing that you can make out like a little bit but this was like maybe like 45 seconds to a minute of making out and it's like okay you gotta wrap it up soon wrap it up guys everybody's watching um and then we kept to the uh reception where again where ayan kendrick is talking to her friends about how bell is probably pregnant because that's all anybody can think about in this whole movie and we see jasperper and Alice dancing on the dance floor,

doing crazy flips and stuff. They meet, who I guess are going to be more present in the next movie, but Bella is introduced to some of the Cullens' cousins, one of whom was Laurent's lover, who Laurent was killed by the werewolves. And so it's really upsetting that they invited her here and she gets really upset. Her name is

Yerina. Yerina. You might as well call her name or fucking piss like. Pee pee lady. Pee pee. And this is my cousin Pee pee. Like why would you go to the wedding of those people? They ripped your lover limb from limb.

Why would you even go to that wedding? Pee Pee cares about family. I forgot that my descent girl is in this one. My Anna Bering, she's also one of the cousins. Not Pee Pee, but... Not Pee Pee. Different one. mayana bering she's also one of the cousins not not bb but not bb then we get a bunch of speeches and this this scene is shot like we're doing a full broad comedy like we cut between like 20 toasts and it's weird little snippets and i have told joel this that

that i do want an open mic toast situation at our wedding. I want every single person at our wedding who wants to say something to get up to the mic and say something because I think there's nothing funnier than imagining. That's actually really funny. Whatever comes out of people's mouths. I like I'm so here for it. So I do kind of want this energy at our wedding. But we get a bunch of weird toasts um bella's mom sings a lullaby i i laughed out loud at that it's so funny i really i don't do that that often besides forgetting sarah marshall no when i'm watching movies like it's like i'm not laughing out loud when i'm by myself i think because it's it's it was surprising, surprising laughter. I really I really lulled.

She also just looks so disheveled. She comes on the screen and she's like so disheveled. She looks completely unhinged. And Charlie gives a really upsetting speech about how he's a cop. And so he could kill basically kill Edward if he treats his daughter poorly, which is just pretty upsetting. And Edward gets up and makes a speech about which you understand it because he's been alive for a hundred years but in if you think about being an attendee at this wedding and an 18 year old boy getting up and being like i've waited so long to find someone who really sees past who i appear to be and it's like you are a

full child edward after those toasts we're just hanging out at the wedding. And Edward says, oh, one of your wedding gifts just arrived. And takes her to the edge of the forest where Jacob Black has come, you know, picks her up. He says, oh, sorry, the best man couldn't find a tux. And Edward leaves them to it and Jacob is immediately like really inappropriate and grabs her and dances with her in a way that's like just too much for this woman's actual wedding to another

man to be fair she's so on board she is not on board fighting she is on board and he you know starts talking to her about this is how I'm always going to remember you pink cheeks beating her and he says you'd

think i'd be used to saying goodbye to you by now and i don't know she says something like it's you know it's not goodbye yet and she says we're gonna wait until after the honeymoon and he says what's the point it's not even like it's gonna be a real honeymoon implying that it's not a real honeymoon if you're not fucking you're not gonna be fucking the whole time so you're not even gonna have a good honeymoon and she says it'll be as real as anyone else's honeymoon and he flips his fucking shit and says before he's changed you he's gonna kill you you'll die you'll die you'll die if he fucks you and edward appears at this moment because he can, you know, read thoughts

and he knows what's going on. Also, probably everyone can hear it. And he comes over and Jacob's like, I can't believe you're going to let her do this. You're a fucking killer. And there's some other werewolves there that like came out of the woods because they knew that Jake

was probably going to flip his shit. And so they're there like on standby to pull him back and be like, okay, like we knew you were going to do this do this we knew you were gonna yell at her about fucking her husband get out of here get out of here it's so awkward they're all just like wait he's really gonna do that he's gonna you guys are gonna fuck you're like you're gonna die like it's just like everybody talking about how if they have sex she'll die it's like because the other one of the other weird things that happens is like the leader of the werewolves is his name, Sam.

Sam. He like turns to Jacob and he's like, it's not our problem anymore. And it's like, at what point was who Bella fucks your problem, dude? I know. I know. Part of what's crazy about it, too, is like. Jacob is like fine with the idea of her having sex but not getting fucked so hard that she

there's just so much to process inside this this is where like the first like really crazy moment to me of this movie is when it's just like everybody fighting over Bella's body like yes completely but also like when it's just like everybody fighting over Bella's body.

Yes, completely. But also like the fight isn't even necessarily who she's having sex with. It's how she's having sex. Yes. And it's just so strange. And it's under the pretense of like, I know better than you how to keep you safe.

Yes, which is the whole point of all of these movies. But it's also the first time this has occurred to me that like so bella's gonna become a vampire and then she'll be strong enough to be fucked by edward but jacob wants her to be with him where no transformation will occur she will still just be a normal human and so is fucking him okay because he's also crazy strong i mean i know she wouldn't be fucking him as a werewolf. Although, do you really think that none of them have ever tried? I feel like the ones that have imprinted in a couple,

they must have sex as dogs sometimes, right? Yes. Well, I'm saying, I bet you, I bet you, there's a werewolf who has fucked his human wife while he's a werewolf. You think if you have the ability to become a werewolf, you're not trying to fuck your human. You 100% are trying to fuck your human wife. That's a good point. Sam's wife isn't a werewolf.

He has absolutely fucked her as a werewolf. They've done some stuff. Yeah, for sure. And there's 100% fan fiction out there about this. I am certain. But it's just, it's just, it's a little hypocritical,

I think. I knew we were going to unlock layers to this film while discussing it. That wasn't when I was thinking I was going to unlock. It just occurs to me now in this moment, but I feel like that's happening. Absolutely. Absolutely.

It's also like, in a way, Jacob's sales, his like final sales pitch to Bella is like, sex with me is not as crazy as sex with Edward. Please go with me. Nice try, dude. No way. I'm nothing compared to Edward in bed.

Also, I feel like this is obvious, but he's fine with her having sex once she becomes a vampire because she's like dead to him too in a way by then but before then she's still human and so then it's just his like natural jealousy coming back because he's like he even calls her like my Bella so many times like so it's like yeah while you're still mine you can't fuck him and then once you're

his property you can fuck him but also because you're dead to me is like seemingly in agreement with this because edward has facilitated this meeting and it's like here go see your other boyfriend for one last time i know spend some alone time together and edward also really doesn't want to fuck her no fap no fap we're gonna get. But then, you know, whatever. Jacob leaves. Wedding's over. They go get in their car to drive off. Bella has no idea where she's going or for how long.

That's brought up many times. Everyone's like, so you still have no idea where you're going? She's like, nope. See ya. See ya, parents. See ya, friends and family. Who also don't know where we're going. Who also have no idea where I'm going or how long I'm going to be gone.

And they're off. And we see them driving down the streets of Rio de Janeiro. I was shocked. This was another part I was shocked by. I was like, what? They're in Rio all of a sudden? And she looks so dumb in that outfit. It's like, you should have told her where at least like what vibe of the place you were going was gonna be seriously she's wearing like a a very uh like modest like high neck belted cocktail dress

looking thing that yeah it's just really ugly and looks very out of place yeah it's not right it's nighttime so so edward can be outside they dance in the streets of brazil then they get on a little boat uh which we do know that robert pattinson crash but we don't see that happen we see them uh drive off into the ocean to isle esme which was a gift from carlisle and they'll be spending their honeymoon alone on this island have we established why they're so rich i I mean, just because they're vampires, I guess. I think just because, yeah, they've been alive forever, so they can just keep making money. I'm curious about the finances. I'd like to take a look at those books.

Where is it all coming from? Think about if you were alive when the US stock market started and you invested like one dollar in something in like the index fund, you'd be a kajillionaire. But do they have to change identities? Because when someone be like, hey, this person's been alive for like, how long has Carlisle been alive? How long you think he's been in that stock market? I honestly don't know. I'm sure that you figure out a way to reinvest your your dividends. I mean, and their mortgage must be paid off by now, you know? Yeah.

This is a whole different type of fan fiction we're talking about here. The financial strategy of the Cullens. I guess a property would be a great way to make money. Property. What if they're all just like property managers? Or like they have like a bunch of rental properties, like managers. They landlords couldn't remember the word um yeah so they they get to is me bella is carried uh across the threshold and uh edward asks her if she's tired she says no of course not and he says what would you like to go for a swim she tells tired she says no of course not and he says

would you like to go for a swim? She tells him she'll need a few human minutes and then we get one of the crazier sequences of this movie. It is shot like Joel said it very well like an action movie like somebody getting ready to go out and fucking like kill some people it's a crazy

montage of her absolutely losing her shit over like how to get ready to fuck him. She like opens toothpaste, like squirts it everywhere. And it's like feverishly brushing her hair and putting water on her face and like absolutely losing it. Takes off her ugly ass wedding ring. Shaving her legs, I guess, for the first time. And it's like, you didn't shave your legs before your wedding.

Like, she's absolutely losing it. She gets out of the shower in a towel she goes to sit on the bed and find outfits to wear in her suitcase and it's all lingerie and she's like absolutely freaking out she's like she's i want to know who packed this fucking bag alice did she goes like alice okay so alice put a shitload of lingerie in there and absolutely terrified Bella. But like, who's letting someone else pack their bag for their honeymoon? Bella. She's all about giving up control. Also Alice did say in her wedding speech,

she was like, as my sister, you have to love high heels and dresses and purses. And it's like, what is this character? Yeah. So Bella is looking for some lingerie starts to have an I think an actual panic attack she sits on the bed

and she slides down on the ground buries her face in her hands and it's like this is really troubling this is really troubling how upset you are and she she sits up. She steals herself. She says out loud to herself,

don't be a coward. Fuck your husband. Fuck your husband. Don't be a coward. Let him kill you. He deserves it. He's waited so long. She walks out into the moonlight,

into the water where Edward is swimming alone in the ocean. And in her towel, and she just drops her towel to the ground and she walks into the water naked. He looks at her and he says, you're so beautiful. And they start to make out. She really does look hot. She does look hot. And they go into the, we cut you.

They're in their bed. He tells her, I said we'd try. And she says, we cut you. They're in their bed. He tells her, I said, we'd try. And she says, I trust you. And they fuck. And while they're fucking, Edward puts his hands on the bed frame and smashes it. And he's just. It's a thick frame too. Thick frame.

And we. It's like oak and steel. just frame to frame and we like oak and steel and all the power that he wants to fuck into Bella he's using to break the room around them so we get a couple honestly like really fucking g-rated

sex moments it's like really not it's you know nothing to write home about considering that we were all building up for them to finally fuck for four movies 40 seconds I think I read in the trivia that it 40 seconds absolutely pathetic

and then you know cut to the next morning Bella waking up but wait there is it looks like oh there is a bit of trivia that the sex scene originally caused the film to get an R rating and had to be reshot and edited to receive

a PG-13 rating. According to interviews with Robert Pattinson and Bill Condon, they blamed Kristen Stewart's wild thrusting during filming. Condon said, well, I think that's true. Kristen got very into it. I hate to be clinical, but there are guidelines on thrusting intercourse, not to make people too excited. was never explicit but i think any movement that suggests that is what it is is what the mpaa object to just couldn't believe this trivia i've oh my fucking god they're like on top of everything let's shame her it's also shame her yeah she just looked like she was fucking too hard she was a woman having she made it look too real and it's her fault her fault her fault her fault um pretty pretty wild stuff um but yeah she wakes

up in the morning oh my god you guys in a thousand years we'll have a completely different stance on sex and this period of time will be studied for how puritanical we were about sex yeah like we are so fucking weird about it as human beings right now yeah we're so weird about it well and the weirdness peaked in this exact moment bella wakes up alone in her bed to um feathers flying around her face she looks looks like a Looney Tunes character who blew up a chicken coop. Which she makes up. And she looks around her and it's as if she's coming out of a trance. Like she was so...

So the whole room is completely destroyed. The bed frame is garbage. There's shattered, splintered pieces of wood everywhere. Feathers from all the pillows flying all around. It's not just the bed. It's all over the room. There, Sammy has it up it's the whole fucking room there's chairs and

there's torn pillows i mean yeah i guess everywhere yeah but it's but she looks around in this moment as if she has no idea that any of this happened she she's just now realizing eyes for one thing last night this destruction occurred and then she we cut to she's in the bathroom thinking about how she had cutting to little flashes of like oh my god edward kissing her neck and she's like holding her neck ed edward on top of her and she's like like she's like absolutely like losing it remembering having sex with him well and her everybody knows the first time you have sex is the best time. It's really good.

It's really, really good. Yeah, it's an really enjoyable experience for women. And she is pulled out of her trance by Edward coming in saying, how badly are you hurting? And she says, what are you talking about? And he pulls her robe down to reveal some bruises on her arm and she's like it's fine it's fine and then he pulls her shoulder back to reveal a bunch more bruises and he's so upset and he's like this is one of his like acting like he's gonna about to puke but i can't tell you how sorry i am and she says i'm not sorry and honestly honestly

this is one of those moments where edward is so fucking awful i want to slap him across the face because violence is okay in this world but he is like being i just i said this dope we were re-watching edward's whole deal is being so selfish under the guise of it's for you he is making this completely she just had sex for the first time this was a shared experience and he is 100 not listening to a word she's saying and it's just like he loved it she also loved it she like a huge part of this moment is her realizing like i can withstand like a gale force sex sexcapade like she's like realizing how fucking powerful she is she's like in the intro of uh top gun maverick uh edward's like stop and she's like i'm taking it to 10.1, 10.2. But she's like, she was like, that was fucking awesome, I think.

Yeah. And he's like, no, it wasn't. Shut up. This was awful. This is about me. I'm never doing that to you again. It's so, it makes me so mad. But I mean.

She does kind of stand up for herself. She does. She's like, now I'm mad. I was just really happy. Yeah, she's like, you're ruining this. Don't ruin this for me. But it's's still she still isn't going to succeed she says you're never gonna touch me again are you um and they we proceed to have a montage of honeymoon scenes where they are playing a bunch of chess not only are they not having sex they're exclusively

playing chess and edward keeps winning which i guess the stakes of the chess game are if bella wins they fuck and we're playing chess edward keeps winning we see them do a crazy waterfall jump together because he's you know he can spider monkey her and they jump to the water and they start kissing and then he zooms himself away from her so that she can't anytime it's like getting too horny he just gets right out of there he's like oh gotta go yeah just fully abandons his wife on their honeymoon over and over again they're hiking and he

keeps like running away from her and making her catch up every time every time he gets a boner he's just like go like Edward why don't you just try again and just be gentler just try softer then I know like Just try softer then. I know.

Like, I feel really bad for Bella because... You can't control it. It's so hard to control yours, you're fucking so hard. She can't win because, like, first she was getting shamed for... By Jacob for deciding to have sex with Edward. Now she's getting shamed by Edward for deciding to have sex with Edward. Where is she supposed to go? now she's getting shamed by edward for deciding to have sex with edward where is she supposed to go like and all the while she's like i like getting my brains fucked out that was great for me yeah and she keeps this part also makes me really sad she keeps trying to seduce him

like she puts on her little lingerie and and he just like rolls over and like doesn't look at her and she gets in bed it is really ugly linger't look at her and she gets in bed. It is really ugly lingerie. But she gets in bed on her little night with her ass up in the air and he just like covers her body with a sheet. It's just like so if you did that to me, I would be like, you need to get out of our house. If you can't handle this, you fucking get out of our house. It's so, so rude. And for a woman who is just discovering her sexuality, it would be like devastating.

Yeah. It's an insane portrayal of female sexuality. It's like probably the craziest, most backwards portrayal that could ever exist. She's begging her husband to have sex with him. Begging him to be violent, too. She's like, I love it. She's the sort of like mind behind this is saying that she's begging to be destroyed. Yes.

And that it's her responsibility for being destroyed because she. She wants it so bad. Evil, like nasty, horny little goblin who is demanding destruction of herself. She's willing to die to be fucked by Edward once. And it's only, only Edward is the one who can,

he's the only one who has the power to stop it. He's the only one. And then we see them play chess one more time and Bella wins. And they start making out and we're thinking, oh my god, here we go, they're actually gonna have sex again. And then we see them play chess one more time and Bella wins and they start making out. And we're thinking, oh, my God, here we go. They're actually going to have sex again. And she wakes up crying in her bed because it was a not real.

It was a dream. And Edward says, what's wrong? Was it a nightmare? And she says, no, it was it was a wonderful dream. And he says, why are you crying? And she says, because I wanted it to be real. And then she gets on top of him and starts trying to make out with him and he is resisting because he doesn't want to kill her and she she truly says as she's like kissing him and

trying to get her to kiss him she says please please and he does and they have sex again and she wakes up the next morning happy, but alone in bed again. Again, the second time. Edward is just like not present in the morning after they have sex. Just up. And I mean, I guess he doesn't sleep, but it's also just be around. Whatever. She gets up and she makes herself some chicken.

She roasts an entire chicken for breakfast. She's 18. She's 18. She doesn't know how to feed herself. She's never cooked in her life. She's like, I guess I'll roast a chicken. She puts some chicken drumsticks in a saute pan. Well, you guys, don't you think this is because a certain hunger is arising?

It's so funny. It's so funny. These nasty, slimy-looking chicken drumsticks that she just starts going after. And she's pulling one of the drumsticks apart. And it's a little bloody. She's looking at it. And she's, like, thinking about it. And then she gets overwhelmed with nausea. And she goes into the bathroom and pukes.

We see her puke. It's disgusting. And Edward comes in in this moment and she says, you know, don't don't look. You don't want to have to see this. And he says in sickness and in health. And she says, it's probably the chicken. She really said that. It's probably the chicken.

I didn't notice that line. That was so funny. We really thought the chicken was so funny they really make her so disgusting it's so unfair also also the fact that they have sex only after she cries it's like women manipulating men oh my god with their tears please please fuck me um but she i cannot believe that like so many 13 year old girls saw this and they were like i guess this is what it's like no it's really upsetting like imagine like after you get back from that honeymoon and people are like so man how was your honeymoon you're like i got a little sick i uh i had like this kind of crazy night and then the next morning i wake i woke up

and i pan roasted an entire chicken and i guess i undercooked it and i got what time was it uh it was probably like 8 45 the chicken really got us um but she stands up and she asks edward how many days has it been since we got married which is also insane this woman is so incapable of managing her own anything that she literally does not know the passage of time without asking edward yeah and he answers very quickly 14 days and she says huh she gets up and she's like looking in the mirror and Edward says, gotta tell me what's going on. She says, I'm late. My period's late. And looks in the mirror, pulls up her shirt, starts touching her lower belly and goes, that's not possible, right?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. And there's like looking in the mirror as if like she somehow immediately looks pregnant, which she does not. But Edward is looking completely panicked. And then Bella gets a phone call and she answers it. And it's Alice. Alice is freaking out on the other end of the line.

We know after what happens later, this is because Alice can no longer see Bella's future future so alice thinks like did bella just die i don't know she's freaking out bella says what's going on alice what what did you see and bell says what's happening with you and she says i know it sounds i know it sounds crazy but i think i might be pregnant edward grabs the phone says put put Carlisle on. He's just talking to Carlisle and says, is this even possible? And Carlisle's saying something on the other end. Edward is freaked out. Bella is like, what is he saying?

This is my body. Please tell me what's happening. Nope, not important. She doesn't need to know. Wait, but he grabs the phone and is like, put Carlisle on. And she goes, what is he saying? Before he's even like, it's immediate. There's nobody has said anything yet

no time has passed she doesn't know how to tell time no she doesn't she has no idea she doesn't know how conversations work which is why she thinks she's immediately massively pregnant because how much time has passed since I just announced that I'm pregnant um and

Edward hangs up the phone and immediately starts speed packing their bags and uh we had forgot i forgot to mention this earlier but at some point in their little house uh on this island they had uh two people come to clean up the house take care of the house they're locals and the woman uh suspects that the cullens are vampires and is immediately very concerned for Bella being there with him. And so as Edward is packing up their bags, there's a knock at the door

and he's like, oh, she's here again. She wants to make sure you're still alive. He opens the door and she comes in and she seems to immediately know that Bella's pregnant. And they, Edward says at one point, there are legends with her people of, you know, blood suckers, which is also like, uh-oh.

So she looks at Bella and Edward in Portuguese says to her, please, please tell me what I could do to save her. She walks up to Bella and she puts her hand on her stomach and she just says, death. Yep. So that's not helping anyone and they you know they get in the car we see them driving to their private plane again the colons are so so wealthy that's what i'm saying that guy's also in this moment edward goes i'm gonna get that thing out of you and she goes she thing? And that's the moment we see her switch alliances. She's now

with the baby. She's not going to do whatever Edward says. Yeah, she's team baby. She's team baby. And it's important, we will get into this later, but it is team baby, not team fetus. Baby. Oh, yes. It's immediately a baby. And we need to highlight the importance of that. Immediately full baby. Don't need to highlight the importance of that.

Immediately full baby. Don't call it a fetus. Not a fetus. It's a baby. It's a fully formed human. Actually, it's a baby that's old enough to get married and be fucked by a werewolf. So it's really rapid development. Really rapid development.

So yeah, we see them show up to get on their private plane and as Edward is packing their bags up into the plane and he tells Bella stay in the car she calls Rosalie we see her call Rosalie and we're like I wonder what that's going to be about and it's because Rosalie is pro-life yeah we know

so we need to get Rosalie on our side they show up at the Cullens and now we're just seeing Jacob finding out that Bella is sick she's told Billy she's sick and so they've extended their honeymoon

Billy, Charlie, her dad and so they're all just like yeah I guess I guess. I don't know. Bella's just sick and to say enough for it. Who knows where for who knows how long. So Jacob shows up at the Cullen's house, pissed, wanting some fucking answers because he thinks maybe she died by fucking and they're not telling anybody. And he comes in the house. And I think Carla's performance is so funny here.

Jacob, as a moody little fucking teen, storms into his home. And he says, hello, Jacob. Come on in. And Jacob says, is it true? She's sick. And then we hear from the other room. She says, Jacob. And he goes, she's here.

And Carla says, yep. Fucking go on in, dude. And he goes over to see Bella she looks fully emaciated gray circles under her eyes sallow cheeks just like not well and he said he tells her you look like

shit and Edward is standing in the corner brooding but she's sitting down she's got like a blanket up to her neck so you can't really see what's going on with her and Bella says to Rosalie, Rosalie, help me up. And she stands up to reveal a bowling ball shaped belly. I've never seen a pregnancy belly that looks like this. Just absolutely perfectly round.

And bruised to hell. It's like really her skin is gray all over this is where it starts to feel like a horror movie like she looks terrifying it's really really scary and bad it's also where i keep going to be like stephanie meyer what are you saying here like what is it that you're saying where it's like on the one, you're saying she had sex once and is now being punished. Twice. Twice. And it was a, like, in some ideological case, in what I think that you believe in, or what you're purporting to be saying, it's like she's rewarded with pregnancy.

She's rewarded with pregnancy she was rewarded with life but you're also punishing her by showing her body immediately decaying uh that her that her life force is being drained out of her and that she's all the while being lectured and hectored and scolded by everybody around her like what is what is the belief here? Other than that is total death. There is no choice that she could make. There is nothing that she is worthy of other than pain, death, and punishment. This is so interesting because you're right that it's like, what is it? Because the thing I get wrapped up on is this is when she does start to take control. She is trying to take control. She's trying to take control of her own body.

And that's what we want, right? We want women to have control over their own body. And she's standing up for that. But in the name of sacrificing it for this fetus, while she's a grown baby. She's very, very willing to die. She's just like, I will die. And so then it's like okay the ideology is like women

should want to die like who cares if the baby's gonna kill you baby yeah the second you get pregnant you're not a matter you're not important anymore you're a vessel you are a vessel she's a vessel and she loves to be a vessel and if you act differently not a vessel head different type of vessel um and if you act differently then it would be shameful no like if she were willing to kill this child it would be so shameful so very bad they keep trying

to like sneak in a pro choice like in within the dialogue of like this is her being like this is my choice this is I'm making this choice what I do with my body is not up to you but it's just meanwhile she is dying and everyone around her is being like you're gonna die you're gonna die you're gonna die and she says like i literally don't care um this is my baby

i'm gonna leave by like she a lot of similar stuff happens around this time. Jacob's really mad. Edward pulls Jacob aside is like, please convince her to abort our child. And Jacob tries. Doesn't work. The Cullens are all fighting. Alice and Jasper don't want Bella to keep the baby. They keep calling it a fetus.

And that's when Rosie says, call it a baby. It's just a little baby. Oh, terrifying. Also, they weirdly always refer to the baby as a he, which is distracting. Bella thinks that it's male. Just a hunch. We see Jacob going back to the werewolves and being really mad about this and that they're gonna have to oh we gotta talk we gotta talk about this this scene is

important i was thinking about an earlier scene but we're not even gonna talk about the things it doesn't matter i do actually wanted to call out one line when she like realizes she's gonna be gone a lot longer than she thought she tells she calls her dad charlie and i don't want to freak you out but i'm going to a medical center in switzerland and he's like what i'm flying there and she goes actually it's like a spa it's just a spa and then she tells him think just think of me healthy. Just remember me how I was. Everything's fine. Goodbye.

Yeah. Just it'll make me feel better if you remember me healthy. But I'm fine. And also the subtext of this is remember me before I had sex. That's like all this shit is. Yeah. And also when I think medical center in switzerland i think they're gonna kill you like it's like that's what they do in switzerland and medical centers is like you go there when you

have terminal cancer and you want like like a nice final days yeah yeah that's also what you are trying to tell someone when you say remember me as i once was remember me happy remember me healthy don't think of me how i am now which is dying um very jacob's jacob is uh you know very upset that bella's gonna die over this fetus she tells uh he tells edward like this is all on you i won't kill you you did this you did this you fucked her you fucked her and when she dies you're gonna have to live with this and and edward tells him well if she dies you'll get what you always wanted which is to kill me so we think now bella's gonna die and then jacob's gonna get to kill edward because of it then we get another one of the most unbelievable scenes in the movie, which is Jacob runs out of the Collins house, turns into a werewolf, runs through the woods.

The werewolves can, you know, they all can speak telepathically. So they know now what Jacob knows, which is that Bella is pregnant with a demon child. And they all meet up in the woods as werewolves and i have to imagine the reason this scene takes place as werewolves is because they tried it as humans and the emotional depths could not be uh carried by uh taylor launder they have a full fight scene that is just dialogue and we just see wolves snarling at each other. It is so bizarre. Because yeah, it's telepathy

so their mouths are not moving so we're just seeing dogs like It's so crazy. I laughed so hard at this scene. It's so funny. This is where my jaw really hit the floor. I had no memory of this scene.

It's so bizarre. The way that the audio, they give their voices like an echo for some reason. Like their telepathy has to sound a little different than their normal speaking voices. Because otherwise we wouldn't know that because we can't tell that they're all full wolves and not speaking with their mouths. We can't tell that they're all full wolves and not speaking with their mouths. And Jake and Sam have a standoff for someone says like, Jake, you should have taken Alpha when you had the chance or something. Yeah. Wolfpack dynamics.

Jacob says we can't we can't harm Bella. She's still human. And Sam's like, we have she's made her choice. We have to kill her because she fucked Edward. And now she has a tree. She's still human. And Sam's like, we have... She's made her choice. We have to kill her because she fucked Edward and now she has a demon. Treaty's been broken. Treaty's been broken. I'll fence her off. So now they all want to kill Bella. But this

fight between Sam and Jake where it's just two dogs growling at each other like, grrr, grrr, grrr., and they're getting back and forth like, who's going to have the upper hand? Who can growl the hardest and stand up the biggest? And it really reminded me of Mac and Bunk. We've had a lot of catfights lately,

and the dynamics between them is like this. It's like I was submissive but bunk is bunk is the one that would be submissive but then he's like growing into his own a bit and standing up for himself and so really just i i saw that i see that scene play out in my home daily yeah yeah it's very familiar very relatable um so jacob goes back to warn the cullens the wolves are going to try to kill bella um and they say we're not we're not gonna let her um and i don't know if this is important but seth and leah decide they want to go with jacob and they're gonna like help him protect bella because they don't want to be with sam they want jacob to be alpha so we're getting some werewolf stuff.

And it's as if there's like a moral question to it. Like they're like, they don't want to kill Bella. Because Jacob is pro-life and Sam is pro-choice. Yeah. Sam wants to kill the baby and Jacob doesn't. So Jacob is the hero. And then we are, we see Bella take a bath.

And it is so horrifying. We have this scene of Bella needing to be assisted into the bathtub by Rosalie. She is, we see her from behind and it hurt. All of her bones are protruding out of her body. Again, her skin is like gray. She is, we see her from behind and all of her bones are protruding out of her body. Again, her skin is like gray. She is dying and it is awful to see.

Awful to see. Edward catches a glimpse at her. She covers herself back up and it's just like really, really upsetting. Like, really, really upsetting. And she's laying on the bed or on the couch with all the Cullens. They're all watching football. They're watching football. I did feel like the football was... You know what?

There's so many things this movie does that surprise me. But when the football came on the screen, I was like, palate cleanser. Wow. Feels good to see football. Like, I was so horrified by Bella's body. Feels good to see football wow feels good to see football like i was so horrified by bella's body and then to see football it's good to see football ah soothing american football where there is nothing bad that ever happens exactly i was like i can't believe they've made football seem so enticing to me this movie can do anything they were watching oj simpson highlights cheering him on um uh and and we jacob is there

they're all basically it's the vibe is yes uh the vibe is very um bella's on her deathbed like everyone's sort of tiptoeing around her and we learned she like can't keep food down that even though she's so hungry like she has no appetite and jacob sort of makes a face and edward says wow that's actually a really good idea jacob just had a really good thought and he says it was actually a sarcastic comment and we learned that what jacob thought was probably the baby wants blood and so the Cullens have a reserve of blood in their fridge. And they empty a bunch of medical bags of blood. Jasper gets escorted out. Jasper has to leave.

He doesn't get a line. But Alice says, like, let's take a walk, Jasper. Yeah. And they pour blood into a takeout soda cup. Like a white styrofoam cup with a straw. And they give it to Bella. She says, I'll try anything. They give it to Bella.

She takes a big slurp from that straw. We see thick, dark blood going into her mouth. She opens her mouth and smiles and her teeth are covered in blood. Her mouth is full of blood and she says, it tastes good. And she takes another sip and I truly think Kristen Stewart goes, mmm. And she's just slurping down that blood and they're all so happy they're like oh my god we did it we figured it out she's she's doing great now meanwhile we've learned that her ribs are cracking the baby fetus baby is cracking her ribs breaking her body from the inside she

and edward have a big fight where he says this baby is literally killing you and she says well you're gonna be left with a part of me and he gets really mad and he's like i don't fucking want that i want you to not die and i think that's he is so within his rights here like obviously women have autonomy over their own bodies but if you're married to somebody and they're like please please please don't die to have a baby that i'm going to be stuck with. I think you have to like hear that. Consider that. Yeah.

Well, she's not convinced by anyone because Carlisle is like tells her, as we see in the trailer, this fetus isn't compatible with your body. With x-rays, very clearly present. That looks like it's just a black hole. It's like you see her ribs and then it's a full black hole. And I loved that choice. I was like, wow,

they're really trying to show us there's this baby is a mystery, a mystery. There's a mystery there. And Carlisle does tell her, like, probably you're going to die before you can deliver this baby. She doesn't care. But now Henleyley i am curious

is the only person on this podcast who has been pregnant how similar is it honestly super similar i mean i had hyperemesis so i was really triggered i was really triggered it is i did i did think i was like thank god henley just told us she's okay with pregnancy and baby horror because that this is just pregnancy horror that's what this movie is yeah it's full pregnancy horror it's actually crazy and then because it's so horrific the conversation that they then have edward and bella where he comes in and he goes they go marriage huh first year's the hardest they say the first year's the hardest say the first year's the hardest it's like i've been married for like three weeks yeah also that there's because this is a

vampire baby its growth is accelerated so this is all taking place over the course of yeah like a few weeks um which is gonna be really weird to i forget how we explain this in breaking dawn part two but it's gonna be pretty strange um but you know things are looking up she's drinking the blood that's helping you know we're doing okay she's looking a little bit better until and this is where this is where the horror really ramps up she stands up she stands up at one point off the couch she's very pregnant at this point we already have learned that this baby is breaking her bones oh god it's so awful it's so awful she's she stands She stands up and her back breaks in the middle. Like the spine just cracks.

A 90 degree angle. And contorts. And we hear a crack sound and she grabs her and she's like, ah. And then, oh my God. And then she falls to her knees and her knees break. Oh my God. It's like we're all of a sudden watching Black Swan. Like the body horror ramps up.

It is so horrifying. And we hear her knees crack on the ground and then immediately... I love how this doesn't make an R-rated film. Case 2 thrusting is inappropriate, but we can see all of her bones break and we don't give a shit about that. And it's important to note that in this moment,

Carlisle is not present present he has gone to hunt to gain strength um so car the doctor is not here but we gotta get this baby out right now they and and this is where we start it's an episode of succession we're just handheld shaking everything is chaos they they put her on a table edward they inject her with some morphine but there isn't time to let the morphine sink in they have to get the baby out right now jacob is there and he's saying change her change her and edward says i can't change her while he's still in her i have to get him out also this is all from her point of view, too. So she's like staring at her like naked, frail body

that's covered in blood. Screaming in pain. Screaming in pain, going in and out of consciousness, just watching. Her stomach is like roiling, like the skin is moving. Yeah, like she has like a snake in there. And so Edward cuts her open.

He starts to give her a C-section well first they try to give her morphine and he's like let the morphine take hold before we cut her and they're like no we can't we don't have time and so they cut into her and then Rosalie gets blood crazy and so Jacob has to

tackle her and drag her out of the room so it's all on Edward now. Bella is screaming in pain. Edward is pulling their child out of her. He does it. He pulls out a bloody... Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, he uses his mouth. Oh, I'm sorry. He bites it out of her. He then has to tear her open with his mouth. I mean, we've seen him bite a human head straight off. So those are some powerful jobs. He does have to bite their child out of her. And we see he pulls the baby up with his bloody mouth. And baby's all bloody.

And he says, oh, we forgot a really important part. Right before all her bones break, she tells Jacob the names that she's come up with for their child. And if it's a boy, it's going to be EJ, Edward Jacob. So fucking weird. So crazy. And if it's a girl, it's going to be Renesmee, which is a combination of her mother's name, Renee,

and Edward's mother's name, Esmee. So Renesmee. What does EJ stand for? I said it edward jacob oh okay so this isn't this is also just this whole birth thing it's another way this movie is doing it both it's it's having it both ways it's like birth is horrifying because it is and you don't see that in film you don't see that depicted anywhere like this and obviously not this bad but it is like not how you see it in movies sometimes it is this bad not in this specific way but sometimes it's it can be really really bad i mean when people still die definitely yeah yes absolutely it can be horrible so like, great. The movie is depicting pregnancy and birth in kind of a realistic way. Yet, it's also at the same time, showing her like, love it, I guess. Yeah, it's all worth it.

The whole point is that like women can withstand it. And if you're a really good woman you'll like you won't bat an eye yeah you won't bat an eye at this yeah and even if you don't withstand it even if you die you should die with a smile on your face knowing that you'll be happy about it that you brought a child into the world yeah so edward holds up their child and says it's it's renesme and bella looks smiles and then immediately dies this baby looks like it's just covered in jam. It looks like a two-month-old baby with jam all over it. And it looks like a six-month-old baby. Like, this is not a newborn.

This is not a newborn. And in the trivia, strawberry jam and cream cheese were mixed and used to simulate the blood on the newborn. Yeah, we could tell. That baby looked like a breakfast sandwich. That we could fully tell. Grab that baby from Courage Bagels. And so Edward immediately realizes, oh my God, Bella is dying.

He also has chunks of her meat all over him, by the way. Yeah, yeah. It's disgusting he hands the baby to Rosalie comes back and now that it's a baby covered in blood she can handle the blood and so she says I'm fine I'm fine give me the baby and takes it

I was surprised that yeah we're just trusting Rosalie there but yeah you're right it's because it's a baby nothing matters more than baby even her own blood lust and so Edward injects Bella with his venom. Just one side note, sorry. The fact that Rosalie could not handle the realities of childbirth. Oh, yeah, I know.

And wasn't able to see the baby through that. But once it's out, now she can handle it again. Is just, again, a really honestly perfect encapsulation of the conservative ideology that I don't think anybody making this new movie knew that they were saying. Yeah, I know. Very good point. God, there's so much to unpack here. Really, I feel like I could talk about it for hours. I mean, we have and we will continue to.

Yeah. So Edward injects her with his venom but it's not working and we get a really really really really horrifying scene of him doing uh chest compressions trying to do cpr and it's like knowing that her bones have all broken and he's like pressing on her it's oh my god it's upsetting she's just dead she's a lifeless corpse and he is to the woman he loves more than anything on planet earth he is she is died she has died in front of corpse and he is to the woman he loves more than anything on planet earth he is she is died she has died in front of him and he's willing her back to life he's saying come on stay with me don't die don't die don't die it's so upsetting and the venom isn't working so then

he starts biting her all over to try to get more venom into her which is also fucking awful he's just biting her everywhere jacob runs out because Bella's dead and he runs outside and he sits on the ground. He cries. We see him make a decision to I got to kill this fucking child because this child killed Bella. He is absolutely just devastated. He tells Edward he's not going to kill him. He's going to make him live. You have to live with this.

Live with what he's done. But he does decide he's going to kill Renesmee. And so we see him. Rosalie is holding Renesmee on a rocking chair. We see him slipping behind her, ready to do what needs to be done. He is ready to kill this child. And he looks into this grown child's face.

This shot, the reveal of Renesmee. We see Renesmee, a CGI. It's a full CGI. It looks so bad. Full CGI young woman's face on a baby head. It's like a beautiful 40-year-old woman's face on a baby's head. It's so funny. And he looks in her eyes

and has flashes of Renesmee as honestly still a child. Yes. Like a 14-year-old. That's the most shocking part of this whole thing. That he is in love with. It's like warm love filter.

But he in VO is telling us imprinting can be to be you just are whatever they need a friend a protector a brother like it's fine it's totally fine it's not so disgusting he falls to his knees on i can't believe that he has imprinted and what one thing too is like imagine if somebody was like i need you to write the most disturbing scene that you could think of you'd go like okay i'll write a scene where somebody uh kills a baby and they go do one worse than that yeah and this is the scene you still get like oh he wants to fuck the baby and I'm out here and I can't do this now no it's so true that if

he if the visions had been her like an adult woman it would be like okay I can like there's a little she's gonna grow up really fast it's a little more palatable or he'll like fall in love with her when she's actually an adult instead it's him like with her as a child.

Yeah. And it's like waiting for her to become 18, which is when we know you can fucking marry someone. It's fucking crazy. It's really, really crazy. And again, it's like the confusion of what a loving relationship is in the ideology of this movie is like but you're saying like a friend a brother but that's not what you're talking about you're talking about a romantic love

here you can't you can't have it both ways also the whole concept of imprinting is that from the moment this child is born she has no autonomy over who she is going to love and marry and be with it is decided for her it is you and from the now until

the moment she is old enough for you to marry and fuck her she is yours right and does it work does imprinting work the other way is she imprinted on him or is he just imprinted on her don't matter don't matter they don't even if she was imprinted on him she has no object permanence so it I know that doesn't develop until like

you're a year old with her she'll forget all about it that's another thing about how they how they depict the baby the baby never cries the baby is so the baby's a 40 year old woman the baby is yeah this is another thing that they would love you to believe about babies so So easy. So easy. Why would you give up your life for this perfect creature? And so, Jacob, we then see the other werewolves showing up to kill the baby. They know that Bella has died. They're like, OK, time to fucking kill the Cullens and kill this baby. And Jacob runs out.

And now they're wolves and he's a wolf and they're having a little wolf fight again. And Edward can read their minds. And he says, Jacob imprinted on her. So he doesn't seem that mad. He's not mad at all. He's like, they can't they can't they can't hurt her. It's their most absolute law. Oh, wow.

Because Jacob and Edward are on the same team when it comes to male supremacy absolutely and ownership over a woman's body they are ej they are the only two men in the world that exist for her and the only two men that matter she's not allowed to there's a part where like she's cold when she's pregnant or pregnant and like ill and jake's like i got it like she's not even allowed to use a blanket there's jacob has to warm her with his body needs to use jacob's body also when edward goes out when edward goes out to defend her all of a sudden he just he kisses her she's dead completely dead it's been the most devastating disgusting thing he kisses her forehead and goes, you're going to be all right.

It's like, when did you get some cavalier all of a sudden? Well, we do learn in the next day, we see the Cullens like giving her corpse a sponge bath. It's like really upsetting. They're all standing around the table and they say they are saying things to each other as if like she's not actually dead. They know that she's not actually dead. Some very faint signals and we're getting little shots of like her blood changing. There's maybe something happening there.

So that's why they're like they think, you know, maybe she's going to come back. Maybe she's going to come back. And yeah, then we zoom into her body and we see she's still laying there like a corpse but we see her blood she's wearing like a dress and you have a full body shot for a long long long long time of her like full emaciated body like they're not shying away bones in a dress so i was just shocked at how much you see her full starving body they They're like, want to see it some more? Let us show you more of this. It's really gross.

It's really gross. But we zoom into her body and we see her through her veins, like a black substance going shooting through. And it's like everything's changing. Boo explosions. Boo like all this like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Transpiration is happening inside her body. We come out of her body. We come to her face

and we see very subtly, very slowly taking away all of the CGI effects on her face. And we watch slowly her cheeks get fuller. Her lips get fuller. All of a sudden she's wearing makeup. Full makeup. Full makeup.

Eyeshadow. Mascara. And we zoom out and we look over her body and oh my gosh now she is healthy and has meat on her bones and she looks gorgeous the best the best she's ever looked come in close close close right over her closed eyes as you can see behind henley if you're watching the video episode full makeup just full like like eyeshadow filter yeah and we go from closed eyes and then they're open and her pupils they are red red red end of the movie oh i got really made me want to watch part two right away and then i will say we do get a post-credit scene i didn't i did not watch this part we get a post-credit scene which was I did not watch this part. We get a post-credits scene.

Which was included in the trailer, which is very funny because it's not part of the movie at all. Not part of the movie. Post-credits scene. And it is the Volturi, Michael Sheen, the guy from Stranger Things, and the other guy receiving news of this baby being born and Bella being a vampire. And one of the guys says really slowly I don't know why he talks so slowly Good, now our conflict with the Cullens is over.

I think it's because he's so old. He's so old. He's the oldest one, I'm pretty sure. He's so old. And Michael Sheen says over that's something they've actually like it's only just begun

yeah he's like I've got questions they have something I want actual end of the movie so he wants the baby I guess guess that's the implication we'll find out we still have breaking dawn part two and i could not be more thrilled i'm excited i i have no

idea what happens in part two i know everything i knew everything about part one going in i have totally blind on part two yeah i i was honestly shocked that bella turns into a vampire in this movie i could not believe it i thought that the whole thing was that she never does no i i think i knew i knew she turned into a vampire it's i think that i just have so much hope for part two somehow somehow changing the narrative and i know i know that i won't no no i know i know it won't but just don't tell me anything because i want to see it for myself yeah we'll have to we will we will get there yeah wow i can't wait i mean i i'm so happy that we re-watched this one because or i re-watched it because there was a lot more to see that i did

not see before and speaking with you guys even i've discovered more and more yeah it's truly going inside the mind of uh stephanie myers yeah and for that reason alone i think it is just a spectacular masterwork i am obsessed with how fucking insane this movie is i'm obsessed with how tangle tangly and like politically strange this movie is like henley said i could fucking talk about how every nuance of this for hours because it is so perplexing i think that i think this movie is trying to have it both ways is the main thing. It's like over and over and over again trying to do two things at once. Or trying to do one thing, but then having something else as an excuse for doing that other thing.

Over and over and over and over and over again. And I think ultimately its final takeaway is, well, yeah, women are sentenced to death. Yeah, well, total death. That's basically what total death. There is nowhere for you to go. There is nowhere for you to hide. You are doomed no matter what. Is there a direct connection between the explosive growth of these movies and getting rid of Roe v. Wade 10 years later? It's like, is there a connection? Yes. I would say, yeah, I bet there is.

I think there's a connection in the American psyche that is responsible for both things. Did one lead to the other? We'll never know. Correlation or causation hard to say uh but absolutely the ideology of these things is completely linked i feel like these movies are like the barometric measure of like the humidity they like showed the humidity of the moment and then roe v wade was the actual precipitation like the rain actually falling but it was like in the air this was it surfacing on a massive level uh i mean but also america has always been fucking psychotic about this kind of thing so but i do feel like there is some kind of link that could be drawn, even just culturally, of like a culture who births, pardon the pun, a culture who births these movies is ultimately going to fucking overturn Roe v. Wade, you know, within a decade. Yeah, it was foreshadowing.

Absolutely. This is probably the most important film we've ever covered. I think it is. And I don't we've ever covered i think it's i think it is and i don't i don't say that lightly i mean it no i i i i really could talk about the twilight movies this movie made almost a billion dollars like it was seen by the world. Yeah. Yeah. And Stephanie Myers fucking insane brain infected. Yeah. Really, really. Brain.

I've been affected, infected as well. I'm so grateful for it. I'm so grateful for it. I love this infection. I would die for this infection. I would die. I would die. I would give it.

I would give it all up. Total death. Total death. Total death. Total death for this movie. Total death. Twenty. Twenty eight. this infection i would die i would do this i would give it i would give it all up total death total death total death for this movie total death 2028 thank you for this gift on my birthday this is simply the only way i would want to spend my day um i'm so happy thank you all thank you all happy birthday emily thank you for bringing this series into my life. I just don't know. Well, I have to thank Sammy and Jenna for bringing it into my life. Wow.

It's all. We're all really gifting each other. And that's that's what it's all about. And Joel, thank you for joining us. Once again. Thank you. thank you for joining us once again. Thank you for joining us. Joel, thank you. Thank you for having me on. I cannot express to you how delighted I am that I get to be your Twilight correspondent.

It's perfect. Yeah. So we'll obviously have you back. Should we do a watch along for the final one? Yes, we should. Yes. That would be very fun. Yeah.

I want to do it soon cuz I'm curious yeah I think we got to do it my second favorite or at least it was now it I'm gonna have to take a look at my reassessment after we finished our rewatch of the whole series we're gonna need to break it all down yeah and I can't wait what a thrill but yeah happy birthday emily we love you so much i love you and voice what kind of voice do we got i mean you can talk while i snarl like a werewolf okay perfect and one of the things when he's running, you're hearing like, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, Jigga, J we did it we made it thank you all for listening to another episode of too scary didn't watch if you enjoy the show please remember to subscribe and rate us on spotify and apple podcasts

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