Too Scary; Didn't Watch - BREAKING DAWN PART 2 with Joel Jensen

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

ALL GREAT THINGS MUST COME TO AN END. We talked about this film for 2.5 hours but we could have gone until the end of time. Movie stats @ 29:52Recap @ 33:05Follow the show: @TSDWpodcast on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram.Check out our Patreon for bonus episodes and additional content!Rate Too Scary; Didn’t Watch 5 Stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Emily, Henley, and Sammy.Advertise on Too Scary; Didn't Watch via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is Emily, Henley, and Sammy, and you're listening to Too Scary, Didn't Watch. Hi everyone, welcome to Too Scary, Didn't Watch, the horror movie recap podcast for those too scared to watch for themselves. I'm Emily, and I am too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Henley, and I'm also too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Sammy, and I love watching scary movies, and so I watch them so that you don't have to. And this week's episode, I am so excited and a little bit sad. Me too.

I'm a little bit sad. A really big one, and I'm already sad that it's about to be over. I know. So we've got to really enjoy this one. What if we just cried the whole episode? I mean, I kind of could. Maybe I will. I'll probably cry at one point.

We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. Before we get into that, I do believe we have some haunted housekeeping. We sure do. Hellchella, ever heard of it? Heard of it? It's my favorite festival of my life.

Everyone's talking about it. Everybody's talking about Hellchella. Not everyone's talking about it. We are doing a summer festival of new horror releases so for all of june july and august we will be covering a 2024 horror movie all the all the big summer releases that we've been talking about that we've been excited for and then some other ones as well and all of them will be video episodes available on our Patreon. We will be doing one live episode a month for our patrons and one virtual live show for that'll be for everybody, anyone who wants to get tickets to that on Moment like we've done before. We've done before and all the episodes will be on the main feed for everybody as just regular audio episodes.

We are going to have some correspondents joining us for some of these episodes. It's going to be a great time and I'm very excited. Me too. It's going to be a great time. I'm very excited. We are just one week away from Hellchella. Hellchella. Hellchella.

Really exciting stuff. Can't wait. We'll have details on our Instagram. We will put up a calendar so you can know what episodes are coming out when, if you want to see the movies ahead of time. So just keep an eye there. And we'll give you all the info you need. I will tell you next week our episode is going to be Night Swim. I think I can say that.

And so that is streaming, not in theaters now. So if you want to watch it before, that's what we're going to be talking about. And I'm very curious because pools are scary. They are scary. Pools are scary. They are. They really are. At night?

I wouldn't care. Okay, so that's Heldshella. That's our news. That's our haunted housekeeping. I didn't miss anything, right? Nope. You did it perfectly. Great. Then let's move on. And you guys tell me, did anything scary happen to you this week? Well, I heard someone on a podcast talk about how babies are born with all their teeth. And this is not true, but I had to quickly Google it. And there are some cases where they've seen skulls of small children with their teeth up near their nose. Do you know what I mean? Like fully formed? Where else would they be?

Well, they grow over time. You're not born with all your teeth. They develop over time, but there's some cases- Like I feel like your bones in general are not really developed when you're born. No. Right? All your bones grow. That's how you get taller. Yeah. There's an urban legend out there that when you're born, you're born with all your teeth. And I'm just here to report that's

not true because it really scared me, really scared me, looked it up. I think that there have been cases where this has happened, but no matter what, no matter what, obviously small children are growing big, huge teeth in their head. You know what I mean? Like they are, and then they lose their baby teeth and then they grow in the big old teeth. So there is a point in every child's life where they have big teeth above their little tiny baby teeth. Yeah, like pushing them out. That's literally why they come out, right? It's scary to think about. I feel like you're going to have to see x-rays of that at some point, like once you're taking Silas to the dentist i know i still

haven't taken him to the dentist when do you have to start doing that you're supposed to do it like immediately what could have happened also they're gonna fall out anyway like what's the big deal i know i had like i guess the thousand cavities when i was little i don't know i don't fucking know because i haven't even brought him to the dentist. But you guys know that I think dentistry is a scam in general. Don't come for us. Don't come for us. Pretend you didn't hear that. Come for me. Come for me. Sammy and Emily didn't say anything. I love my dentist. I've said that before. I'll say it again.

I love him. I'm Switzerland on this one. Anyway, if you guys just Google it, there's some pretty upsetting pictures out there. I won't be doing it. I will be doing it. I will be, yes. Tiny baby skulls with lots and lots of teeth. Too many teeth. Teeth too far up the face. Are we talking like sharks? Does it look like a shark mouth? It looks like big teeth on top of little teeth close to your nose. Ew. I'm looking at it now. Oh, it's really gross. Does it like hurt them? Does her head feel too full? Can you even believe that this isn't something that's like we talk about more? I mean, I just can't believe I've never talked about it before. Crazy. It really does look like almost these skulls look like a different species. It looks almost like a saber-toothed tiger. Like there's too many teeth there.

Okay, now I got to look it up. What did you Google? Baby skull with teeth? I said baby teeth x-ray. Baby teeth x-ray. Yeah, this was me this morning, you guys. This is me this morning alone in my kitchen looking at these cursed images on Google search,

feeling my stomach royal, knowing I needed to tell you immediately i was like i'm not seeing what they're seeing that's so weird and then i thought and then i thought it was weird wow it's haunting it's not gonna leave you i haven't been able to stop thinking about it anyway yeah so what i read is you know, kids age two to three, they start growing these big old adult teeth. So Silas probably has some big old teeth somewhere in that head of his. That's really crazy. That's so scary.

Yuck. You'll never know, though, because you'll never take him to the dentist. Definitely not. Whoa. Okay. So, yeah, that's weird weird that was my scary thing yeah that was scary what about you guys um i i mean this is so this is just stupid but like about a month ago i was blowing my nose normal normal nose blow nothing crazy about it i promise and i felt my left ear like pop a little bit and then it kind of hurt and then it was like that thing that feeling of like when you're on a plane and your ears won't pop i had that for like a whole day yeah but then it went

away but then it was like i could tell it was just like a little sensitive but it went away it's okay then this morning blow my nose normal style i'd be honest with you guys if i was doing anything crazy it wasn't like i wasn't like i'm not like you're not trying to prove anything what kind of sound nose blow is this because you know sometimes you like know you're really going for it and you shouldn't you know you're like working too hard but But I wasn't. This was normal. This was normal style. This was just like greet the day, do a normal style nose blow, just sort of

getting everything out of the face. Yeah. And my ear fucking popped again and it hurts. And I'm like, what's going on in there? And why? Maybe you need to go see an ear, nose, and throat doctor. I've always wanted to see an ear, nose, and throat doctor. I'm so curious. I want to see one of

those. I know. I don't either. I also, that's really interesting that there's like, there's like a foot doctor, right? There's a, you know, gastroenterologist. Then there's ear, nose and throat. Like I don't like being reminded that those things are basically one. They're very connected. Yuck. Very connected. Yep.

I don't know. Does it hurt right now? No, but I also sleep with earplugs in because i need complete silence and like those hurt it's the suction it's like removing the earplug it hurts so also like headphones in my ears maybe you need to take a break from the earplugs i know but then i can't sleep henley i already tried last time this happened then i can't sleep what worse? A forever painful ear or forever not sleeping. Yeah. Both are forever.

Just so you know, no matter what, this is the rest of my life. Cause I won't go to a doctor. I was going to say update from last week. I do have all them. We got it figured out. I'm not even going to go into the whole situation cause it was fucking pain in the ass.

Um, but I have health insurance, so it's fine. But I still don't make me go see a doctor. No, I don't blame you. I don't know what to do. This is reminding me of when I, sorry if this is TMI, but I had a buildup of earwax

and it made me deaf in one ear. Ew, Henley. Ew, that was TMI. So gross. A face full of baby teeth? That's fine. And it was really actually a pain in the ass for like a few months where I would just temporarily go fully deaf in one year for a little while and then just went away. And I didn't go see a doctor. So good. Great. I love to hear that. I just also, it's like, this happens, you know, more and more as you, as you get older, where it's like this happens you know more and more as you as you get older where it's like my body is like getting in the way for no reason like this wasn't a problem until you

made it one do you know what i mean like why are you all of a sudden giving me problems that i didn't ask for yeah that seems to be body like bodies love to do that fucking infuriating bodies do that a lot. Anyway, it's fine. But I'll never see a doctor and I'll never know a thing about it. And it'll be forever. Just so whatever, you know. I hope you're not going on any flights soon.

I'm not. Thank God. Thank God. But you're right. I mean, you make a good point that I will be going on a flight in, I mean, five months. That's not that soon. Hopefully it gets better by then. But if it doesn't, yeah, what am I going to do? I guess maybe I'll go see a doctor in five months before I get on a flight. Maybe.

No promises. Keep us posted. Yeah. Anything scary happen to you, Sammy? Yeah, something pretty scary did happen, which is that I have my cat's litter boxes in a closet in the back of my house and they're kind of tucked away. It's like a perfect spot for litter boxes. The previous tenant had them there and I was like, that's a great idea. So I have two litter boxes tucked away in this little nook essentially, but because it's a nook, it's kind of dark and hard to see in there. And my place is old and kind of coming apart at the seams in certain areas like I have laminate flooring that's peeling up at the sides including in that little nook and I had never really like gone in there to really make sure it was a sanitary environment and I don't know what something compelled me to like get on my hands and knees and really crawl in there the last time i was cleaning and there's so much like

pee i i use the um oh no the sawdusty litter that turns to sawdust when they pee in it and so there's just like pee soaked sawdust stuffed all around the perimeter of this nook of the closet and for some reason i've never really smelled it before but now that i know it's like all i can smell and i was turning fans on all day yesterday and all it still was like reeking of freaking cat piss like you're being haunted you're like haunted i can't forget the smell now oh no and i don't really know what to do other than have my like floor replaced because i tried to vacuum but it's kind of sticky under there and so it's like stuck to the laminate glue and i don't really know how to solve that other than calling my landlord and

being like hey sorry my litter boxes were here and it's now like a disgusting cat pee corner and i need you to redo the floors that's bleak but i know what you mean my last place had that like old flooring that was peeling up everywhere and it is sort of like cat urine or not stuff you gotta take care of that yeah you gotta take care of that. Yeah. You gotta take care of those floors. They, that's not what a floor is meant to do. You know, it's meant to be on the ground fully. And then also I've talked about before how bunk has like coughing and like allergy issues. And now I'm like, maybe it's because he's like breathing in his own pee all the time. Like it's a horrible place in there and I feel really bad and I want it clean, but I

don't know how to clean it. And so, oh God, yeah, I'm really not happy about it. I probably will talk to my landlord about it because I just don't really see another way. There's only so much I can do. I bet there's like a trick. You can do like baking soda and vinegar. Yeah, I'll probably put it everywhere and leave it for like a little bit.

Yeah, I'll do something like that in the meantime for sure also can you just like get at that zone with a fucking razor blade or something and just cut that shit maybe maybe that's what I would do you know full well I would just be like I guess I cut the floor up and I get rid of the floor yes that's I might sometimes you need to do what you gotta do this is you ripping up your carpet in your apartment yes yeah it was nasty and it had to go yeah so I just ripped it up Jenna suggested a combination of both of those things and then also then laying down yoga mats or something to have it prevent any further you know what I might suggest as opposed to yoga mats what okay so you're ripped so you're ripping up the floor you rip up the floor you take it all out contact paper okay you could maybe put down because it's probably either old wood or like concrete under there right right and i feel like

you could just lay down some fucking cheap ass contact paper that is like waterproof and you just lay it so it like comes up over the bottom of the walls in there too so you have like a little barrier yeah okay this is a good idea i really need to deal with it i also have a job now and all of a sudden have no time and i'm like when am i gonna have like a fucking day to pull up the floor in my litter box nook what a nightmare so i'm sorry that stuff really is a nightmare it's pretty scary but i'll have to find a solution because i can't live like this but i believe in you speaking of teeth speaking of bodies changing wow speaking of stinky things like wolves and dogs. And speaking of Pee Pee, a character named Pee Pee. She made it all work.

Today, we are doing the final installment of the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part 2. I really am sad. We made it and yeah, I was feeling excited until I sat down and was like, wow, what the fuck will we have to look forward to after this? Hellchella, of course. Hellchella. Thank God we're doing this right before Hellchella. Breaking Dawn Part 2 was directed by Bill Condon, written by Melissa Rosenberg, and based on the novel by Stephanie Meyer. Starring, holy shit, so many people. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli, Mackenzie Grace, Dakota Fanning, Ashley Green, Jackson Rathbone, Ramiami malik and lee fucking pace and it is not streaming anywhere for free i bought it i figured i'd want to watch it again and again so yeah that was honestly a really

good purchase and we have a horospondent with us soon to be horospoustent, Joel Jensen. Hey. I feel like you coined horospoustent. You just looked at me like I made up a term. Did I? I think you did. I think you did. Husbandspondent. So hats off to you. It's Christmas morning for me today.

Maybe a less than 27. Oh, maybe. Joel, thank you for coming back. We needed you. Thank you. It's so good to be here. I don't know. Oh, maybe. Joel, thank you for coming back. We needed you. Thank you. It's so good to be here. I'm also really quite sad that this is the end of the road for this stunning saga. A truly a saga.

Joel and I were saying that to each other this morning that when we watched it the other day, we got sad when it ended. We watched it again this morning, woke up bright and early, Had our coffee, sat, watched Breaking Down Part 2 again. And when it ended, truly just like, wow, the end of an era. End of an era. And I wasn't, yeah, similarly, I wasn't expecting this recording to be somewhat a somber occasion. But I feel a bit forlorn. Yes.

But what a journey it has been. What a beautiful journey. I loved it. Don't a journey it has been. What a beautiful journey. I loved it. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. I loved it. It was my favorite film. My favorite film of the whole series. And maybe.

Wow. Maybe. Of all time. My favorite film of all time. This has been a huge couple weeks for you, Henley. Your whole world is being turned upside down. Hit after hit in my life. You're on such a hot streak.

I'm on such a goddamn hot streak. Rear Window, Breaking Dawn Part 2, Challengers, Dune 2. The list goes on. All your favorite movies. I do have to say I have the opposite feeling as you guys watching it. I think one reason I was thrilled is because I was like, this is it. It's over. Wow.

This is the last one. Honestly, can't relate. Can't relate. No, but honestly, Tim and I watched it and it was, I was, I, I was entranced the whole time. I was thrilled. It's a fun time. The whole final act, I'm like giddy just absolutely

bouncing in my seat it's so good we will get there there's a lot there's a lot to say i will say joel and i watched it on thursday and it really threw us for a loop i think we just like weren't ready we weren't ready for it to be over we were still thinking about breaking dawn part one yeah that's why we knew we had to re-watch it today because it really really threw us for a loop. We were not. And I'd seen it before. It had been a very long time.

It was not what we. It was nothing like what we expected. And in watching it again this morning, I was like, OK, yeah, no, this rules. This is awesome. I just needed to be ready for what it is. This one is like this morning we were saying is kind of like a Marvel movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is.

It's like a very. I mean, truly truly especially if you compare it to breaking dawn part one yeah they have like basically nothing in common at all the structure is so different this one's basically all gathering the team for the whole movie pretty much and then a big battle and then like the end yeah it feels very and this is obviously a relative term for anything when it comes to this series but it feels fairly conventional compared to some of the others particularly part one where it is like it's a getting the team together movie it has a big climactic battle in the final act it it's about protecting a child where it's just like... A normal child. There was part... Yeah, I was like literally like thrown off by how normal that all seemed

in watching a Twilight movie. Yeah, that's a good point. Especially because part one made me, as you guys know, lose my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about the larger implications of part one. I couldn't stop thinking about what is this message? What is this telling our young folks who are obsessed with this film? Why? Why did it capture the imagination? What the fuck is this story? Breaking Dawn part one was fucked. It was fucked up. It was not okay. There was nothing okay about it. Nothing okay about it. Breaking Dawn part two,

Nothing okay about it. Breaking down part two, real palate cleanser. We're back to normalcy. Sure, sure. We have, you know, a werewolf imprinting on a young girl who's a child. That's not okay. But. Sure.

It's. But in the grand context of Twilight, it's honestly kind of tame. It's, you know, but we've kind of, now we've heard about it. We're a little desensitized to it now we're a little more accepting henley you know jacob you know what he's like would he really be into it if it were creepy at all come on you gotta know this is jacob we're talking about i thought about you when he says that he's like you know it's me and i was like emily's not gonna like that that. So fucking pissed at Jacob forever. Fucking Jacob is the worst. Well, before we get more into it, because obviously we got a lot to say, but I want to know, Joel, did anything scary happen to you this week? You know what? I've honestly had a pretty good week. Great. Pretty fear-free, but sort of in general, one thing

that's been on my mind is i i don't like how much i sweat i'm getting self-conscious about the amount that i sweat i never really saw myself as a sweat guy not even summer yet yeah but i'm like becoming a sweat guy and sweat is in right now though yeah challengers challengers yeah but i like i don't make it look as good as those guys. Do you know what I mean? I beg to differ. I just look like a wet guy. A wet guy. I love my wet guy. Tim is also a big sweater. He's permanently damp all summer long.

I just hate it. Just damp. I go to the gym. What is happening now is I go to the gym and A, I'm self-conscious about how much I sweat at the fucking gym where everybody's sweating, but I'm like, why do I look wetter than every other dude here? What is going on with me? It's fucking cool. And then I'll like, I'll like, I frequently go to the grocery store after I go to the gym. And now I'm curious what people think of this. Like, then I've been like, am I being rude going out in public after going

to the gym? But what I do is I always bring a coat and I put a coat on no matter what temperature it is. Well, it is cold. I put my coat on before I go in. In the grocery store. True. After sweating. And if you're sweaty, I feel like you're post-workout a little more susceptible to cold occasionally, depending how long post-workout. But you're just trying to hide your body sweat. I'm trying to hide my body. I'm trying to cloak myself so that nobody sees how sweaty I am. I put a hat on. I'm sure that looks way more normal just a cloak and a hat and then you're just pouring sweat under your coat and hat yeah and i'm just panting and breathing and like fearful that anybody will bump into me and get wet because because of me splashes fucking shamuing people. But it just sucks.

I don't know what happened to my glands to make this be the case. It's a recent development and I hate it. I just don't like being sweaty. I don't like being sweaty either. And I don't like people knowing that I'm sweaty. I get sweaty too. And it's less cool for a woman.

I gotta say, women are not allowed to be sweaty in the same way that a man is allowed to be sweaty. It's true. We are not as allowed to be sweaty in the same way that a man is allowed to be sweaty true we are not as allowed to be sweaty yeah and it sucks i'll say i mean i just want to just for the record say that i don't think you have an unreasonable amount of sweat i've never looked at you post-work and i've been like jesus christ um but i also think the grocery store i'm gonna come out and say that i think the grocery store is hardly a public place. Wow. No, that's interesting. I really think that going to the grocery store is basically like still being completely alone. Like I think that everyone at the grocery store

is completely in their own universe and they're allowed to be and don't talk to me. Don't look at me when I'm at the grocery store. Like we, we should be allowed to go to the grocery store as if we are like still in our own homes. You know, I had a really interesting experience the last time I was at the grocery store just the other day. This was not post-gym, but I kept encountering the same woman like over and over and over

because we were just like coming around the same aisles, but always in different directions. And I started getting so uncomfortable. Yeah, I've had that as well. Or it's just like, oh, here we are again. I meant to use this as my scary thing. I completely forgot about this. But a couple of weeks ago, I had a terrifying encounter at the grocery store. Oh my God. It shook me to my core. I'm scared thinking about it right now. Okay. So I rounded the corner. Silas is in the little

grocery cart, obviously sitting there. Round the corner. Silas is in the little grocery cart, obviously sitting there around the corner, elderly man, 85 years old in a full track suit comes up to our cart, puts both his hands on the front of the cart, stands right in front of the cart. Like can't move the cart. Cannot move it. Like in front of the cart, like where your, your position is as the woman pushing the cart. So I'm pushing it. He's on the other side, like facing, you know what I mean? Like he's like pushing the cart? So I'm pushing it. He's on the other side. Like facing you. You know what I mean? Like he's like stopped the cart facing me, facing Silas who's in the cart.

And Silas is holding on to garlic. He's holding on to two bulbs of garlic. So you know he's not a vampire. So he's holding on to two bulbs of garlic. And the elderly man stopped us. I cannot move my cart. Like can't go anywhere because he stopped us. And he goes, oh, you can't eat that, can you?

And he starts talking to Silas. Like, in my head, I was just like, this guy's a pedophile. He's a full pedophile. Like, what the fuck? And he wouldn't stop talking to Silas. And Silas was looking at me like, who is this man? What do I do? And I was just like, smiling, laughing, like, ha ha, yeah,

ha ha, oh, like trying to like move my fucking cart away. And finally the person he was with came and like got him and like brought him somewhere else. But then I avoided that man. Obviously he was everywhere we went. And so I had to like leave the grocery store because I was scared of him. Yeah, I would have done the same, just wrapped it up, be like, well, I'll come back another time. The person he was with. He was an old man. He was an old man. But I still think that there was something fucking wrong with him because I was.

Yeah, old men can be bad. I know, but I mean like he wasn't going to actually, there's no like harm he could actually do. But I like, my like alerts, like, he wasn't going to actually, there's no, like, harm he could actually do. But I, like, my, like, alerts went off 100%. Yeah, that's sinister. It was full on fucking sinister. It was crazy. That's awful. I know.

I know. And so anyway, I got the hell out of there and I hope I never see that man again. I probably will, though. He was in a tracksuit. It was not okay. It was not okay. It was not okay. Oh my god. I'm sorry Henley. Anyway, sorry. I just completely forgot about that story.

He's not respecting the rule that in a grocery store you should be in your own universe and not speak to or look at anybody. Yeah, it's a somber place. Do not talk to me. Do not look at me. I'm not here for you. That probably is as close as I could get you guys to understand what it is like to be a guy in a public men's restroom with other guys.

Nobody talks. Nobody makes eye contact. You are in your own world. Like if you're at a stadium bathroom, it's like the most somber isolated place on earth. Because you're just peeing into troughs next to each other so you're like everybody's like i can't look at each other i got my blinders on i'm going in here i'm not trying to see anybody's penis i will say i think the biggest disparity between the stereotypical male and female experience in the world is a bathroom a public

bathroom because often a women's public restroom is it is a celebration a very friendly place it is a really it is a really special place it is a place of community few places you can call your own it's like it's the opposite of a grocery store it's we really see each other and we're sharing we are sharing we are implementing it's like all of a sudden yeah you want to help people it's like oh do you need toilet paper i can i can hand it under the door let me give it to you do you need a toilet plunge i will do that speaking for sammy of course that's crazy that's crazy to me oh it's such a like not always of course but it can be a really extraordinary place one of the things i'm looking forward to the most about our wedding is going into the bathroom with

strangers at my wedding. Wow. And seeing women I don't know in the women's restroom. I'm like very excited about that. That's going to be very fun. That's so funny. It's going to be so good. Because I'll walk into the bathroom in my like tuxedo.

Everybody will know i'm the groom and not a single man will say a word to me they'll maybe go like they'll maybe nod and go like so i bet you some old guy will say something probably pretty weird to you i'm gonna put money down on that not if i'm sweating big coat and hat over your uh wedding suit totally incognito oh my god okay we got it i'm so i'm so desperate to talk about this we simply must i will tell us that it has a 49 on rotten tomatoes this is the highest rated one which i believe has to do with what we're talking about about how it's the most kind of commercial.

Even higher than number one? It might be tied, actually. They might both be 49. Both 51% too low. Agreed. 52% on Metacritic and a 5.5 on IMDb. The budget was $136 million, and it made $848.6 million wow oh my god highest grossing of the franchise this was the only one i saw in theaters i feel like i had thought i had seen other ones in theaters but

this theater experience i said it in other episodes i re-listened to some of our twilight episodes and they're good ones but i'll say it again that this theater experience was one of the best of my life. It was really very funny. God, I believe it. We'll talk more about that when we get to certain parts. Yeah, there's some stuff to talk about for sure. A little bit of trivia. There were 10 actresses that played Renesmee. Shockingly, there were humans involved.

Absolutely shocking. That makes sense, though, to me, because she never looks the same from one shot to the next. Yeah, it's very confusing. She does sort of look like 10 babies combined at once. Yeah. Very true. And when she's CGI and when she's human is also unclear to me. Well, and there's moments

where it's not just a CGI face on a real baby. It's like a fully CGI creation. Right? Yes. This next piece of trivia is both an animatronic baby and three week old babies.

Three week old babies? I feel like they're even their newborn was like six months old. That's I didn't see any three week old babies in this movie. they're even their newborn was like six months old. That's I didn't see any three week old babies in this movie. No, that can't be right. But both were used in this film. And Kristen Stewart preferred working with the real babies because she felt you don't say they helped her give a better performance. Once again, every song that appears

in this film on the soundtrack is original and written specifically for this film. Wow. And between Breaking Dawn Part One and Two, Jackson Rathbone, Jasper, had a baby, became a father. And so. You can really see it in his performance. I was going to say, you can really tell in his performance. You can really tell. I thought you were going to say that between the two movies,

he had his vocal cords removed, which is why he doesn't fucking speak anymore. No, he has two separate lines. I tracked him. He does. I counted them as well. Two separate lines, all I think on the same page of the script.

Yes. Nikki Reed is a godmother for Jackson Rathbone's baby. That was kind of cute. Oh, that's very sweet. Very sweet. We know she loves babies. She loves babies. Her whole personality loves babies. She loves babies. Her whole personality is babies.

Pro-life. And that's all the trivia I have. There might be more as we go through. But I think let's just do this. It's the beginning of the end. Oh, my God. But we got to do it. We can't put it off a moment longer.

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we ended Breaking Dawn Part 1 with Kristen Stewart, Bella, opening her eyes, blood red. She's a vampire. This movie starts out, this is the only movie that starts us out with a 10-minute title sequence. It's so long.

It's very dramatic. We have a really dramatic, really long title sequence especially like yeah thursday night don't i putting this on we were like this has never happened like what is happening this has never happened before really threw me for a loop but then we're back then a really abrupt change in music and change in tone and we're on kristen stewart eyes open looking around the room i do think before we even go on i think that there's an argument to be made that she truly and fully dies at the end of

part one and this is all just like dmt flooding into her brain and hallucinating the entirety of this movie you're doing doing the like Maverick theory that he dies when he crashes at Mach 10. And technically she does die at the end of part one. And I'm like, is this just part of the like fever dream DMT dosage that she gets? Anyway. I can totally see that.

I mean, she has died. Her human self has died. We do not see one flannel shirt throughout this entire we do get a t-shirt at the end but it ain't flannel it ain't flannel

and I got it and I can't even begin to tell you how much that impacted my viewing experience not to see a flannel shirt a once

I was like this movie has everything I love it not to get ahead of ourselves, but in the very final scenes, there is a flannel shirt being worn by Jacob. Whoa, what does it mean?

As he becomes the primary caregiver for Renesmee. Terrifying. Anyway, her hair is looking great. Her eye makeup is looking so hot yeah they it's so fun i mean it's because the vampires are really hot they make her so hot in this movie it is it hurts to look at she's so hot yeah so she's she's awake she's looking around the room she looks at the window and or like at the wall and there's a poster and her eyes like zoom in really much she can read the tiny tiny little words and then she looks over the carpet and there's a poster and her eyes like zoom in really much. She can read the tiny, tiny little words. And then she looks over at the carpet and she zooms in

and she can see all the little fibers of the carpet. She's got vampire crazy vision now. Sound effects under absolutely everything. Just like. One thing, one thing, they do not make it seem like there's anything wrong with being a vampire. We said this too. Yes.

The whole movies have been like, don't be a vampire. You'll never be able to see your family. Jacob's not going to want to be around you. You're basically going to be dead and soulless. And immediately, it's fucking awesome. She's hotter than ever. She has superpowers. Nothing changes. There is no downside presented.

Not even once. Zero downside. Over the course of the entire movie. It is only, you're're hotter you fuck like crazy you have superpowers and you're everybody's obsessed with you yeah it's awesome it's fucking awesome to become a vampire every single thing they told her that would be bad about it is completely untrue so yeah she looks over she sees edward very normally reaching his hand out to her she grabs it he says we're the

same temperature now he says you're so beautiful and she is she's so hot she looks herself in the mirror she fucking loves what she sees and they kiss she grabs him she hugs him and she's so strong now she's a baby of her she's the strongest one and he goes when she pulls him in and he says bella you Bella you're stronger than me now now it's your job not to break me oh my god it's such a relief

it's such a relief I was so sick of her being like the weak vulnerable one now it's been turned on its head turned on its head she has all the power

finally finally this is where the series should really start I want to see more of this I want to see more of this i want to see i do want yeah let's make a second let's make more movies but she then about five minutes in remembers her child and asks to see her the whole reason for her living and breathing and she you

know died to protect this child she's like oh my god i'm so hot now wait where's my baby and edward says we can't see your first we have to get your thirst under control because renez may is half human so bella needs to get that new baby vampire thirst under control before she can see her child so we go hunting they're running through the woods they're she can run as fast as edward is so exciting as she's running she has such crazy vampire sight that she looks at a flower and watches it bloom she also zooms in on like an ugly ass spider which i was like with a little water droplet zoom in on these yeah she can see everything and they run and then they crouch behind a log there's a deer and we see them crouched and edward

is like coaching her on how to hunt she's immediately like fully feral like a she's also in like a skin tight mini dress yeah yeah doesn't matter doesn't matter crawling on her hands and knees crawling on her hands and knees eyeing this deer so excited for its blood so ready to hunt it and then a breeze blows through wafting to her the scent of a rock climber a fucking like free soloing dude way up on a cliff this dude is a wild but she catches a whiff and that hunger that hunger takes over and she rockets towards a cliff she starts climbing up it like a fucking demon it It is so creepy, spidery, goleming up this cliff after this fucking rock climber. Which, by the way, I would watch an entire movie

that that was the only premise, is that there's a guy free-soloing and a hungry vampire's trying to climb up after him, and that's the whole movie. That'd be fun. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. And her boyfriend keeps stopping her. Yeah. Husband, Henley, husband. Oh, sorry, husband oh sorry right right right of course

uh but so she's climbing up trying to get this rock climber and edward's like bella you can't bella don't do it and he gets up to her she's fighting the urge she wants to eat that rock climber so bad but she also wants to be good and he says bella we have to get to she says i have to get out of here and he says let me help you and instead she just jumps off a cliff on her own doesn't need his help and he's so proud watches her and goes or not back to the deer we are crouched ready to eat this deer and then we see a mountain lion also crouched ready to eat this deer and the mountain lion jumps for the deer and then bella jumps for the mountain lion grabs it midair tumbles down to the ground with it pins it bites its back she

fucks this mountain lion up she fucking wastes this mountain lion it's crazy in watching this this whole sequence, I was like, oh my God. Well, they make her seem like her power is limitless. She can do anything. Well, we know that baby vampires in the lore, they're at their strongest when they're brand new. So she can basically do anything. But she's also just like stunting on everybody where she's like fuck a deer i'll kill a mountain lion yeah i'll tackle it out of the air and edward is so hot for

her because she just killed a mountain lion he also as they're coming back they're you know walking back through the woods towards the colin house and he's saying that was incredible most like grown vampires can't walk away from a human mid-hunt like he's so proud of her that she was able to not kill the rock climber so again what we learned when bella was trying to become vampires they were like you're gonna want to kill every human in sight it's gonna be awful you're gonna be in excruciating pain and she's like totally fucking fine but like no big deal this is because bella's the perfect woman and so she'll never give in to primal urges she's got extreme self-control.

That's right. Exactly. So they walk up to the house and she sees Jacob for the first time since she's changed. Again, let's remind you, Jacob has said, once you become a vampire, you're dead to me.

I'm never going to see you again. I won't be able to stand you. We'll be mortal enemies. Jacob walks up and goes, oh, didn't expect you to look so much like you. Everything's good. We're good. No consequences. We're fine. We're friends. Well, she's his mom now. didn't expect you to look so much like you everything's good we're good no consequences

we're fine we're friends well he she's his mom now well she doesn't know this yet but yeah she is his mama now um and so you know everything's good oh she says all right let me get like a whiff of you so she like smells his wolfness and um oh she asked to see renez may and he says let's make sure that you're okay with me first and she's like the fuck does that mean but okay fine so she takes a whiff of him is like yeah you smell bad you smell like a dog and it's like haha okay all good no big deal here and him and edward share a look where he's like about to tell her and edward just quietly shakes his head like no please don't tell her yeah um so she asked you know she's like okay let tell her and Edward just quietly shakes his head like, no, please don't tell her yet. No, no, no, no. So she asked, you know, she's like, okay, let's go see Renesmee.

She walks into the house. Rosalie's holding Renesmee because Rosalie only cares about babies. And I actually think Jacob is holding Renesmee. Yes, yes. Hands Renesmee to Bella. He's scared to do it and like doesn't want to give her to Bella. And Bella clocks out as being a little bit strange. She puts Renesmee in her hands.

Renesmee looks completely fucked up. It's really hard to overstate how insane she looks. Now, I have a couple questions here. One is that she looks like a mid-50s soccer hooligan from the UK. She looks like she's played by Eddie Marzen.

So there's that picture that you see floating around where she looks really crazy. And that wasn't in it, right? What's that? Yeah, I think that was in an earlier cut or something. Because yeah, I noticed that. Maybe it was like in an earlier cut or something. Cause yeah, I was, I noticed that. Maybe it was like in an early trailer or something.

Where she looks like the girl from Splice in that one. Yes. Yes. See, I thought she looked like May. I was like, that's May. Right? Oh my God. And I couldn't, I couldn't unsee it for a while and i was like i guess this is a

biopic about my own daughter that's really funny that is funny um yeah but it also like it's this is when the baby's like 100 cgi so it's not just how crazy her face looks like the way it's moving like it's like it's so wrong and strange and they put put Renesmee in Bella's arms. And Renesmee puts her tiny little hand up and touches Bella's cheek. And Bella flashes to her own sickly, nasty face, saying, she's beautiful in the moment that she gave birth. And she cuts back to present moment and says, what was that? And Edward says, she's showing you her first memory of you. And we learn that this is renezme's gift being

able to like touch people's faces and show them things show them their past which i think leads into my theory that bell is actually dead is that her daughter's ability is to show her the past there's no sight of the future anywhere for anybody except for the very end, I guess. There's something about this where I'm like sniffing around Renesmee as a representation of some kind of death. The end of the line. The end of the line. The death of her

connection to Jacob. The death of her romantic connection. Now she's just a mother. Yeah, she has no future any longer. Now she's just a mother and a wife. No more flannel shirts. She's holding Renesmee. She has a little memory. She. Now she's just a mother and a wife. No more flannel shirts. She's holding Renesmee. She has a little memory. She puts her hand in her little mouth

and sees that Renesmee has like full teeth. So many more teeth up there too. I very much noticed the teeth. And she asks, she's like notices this and they say, yeah, she's growing very fast. And then just then Jacob's like, okay, I think that's enough. And goes to take Renesmee out of his mother's

arms and Bella is like what the fuck is going on what are you doing and everyone else everyone else in the house is so excited for Bella to find this out they're like tell her okay Jacob tell her and Emmett's like this is gonna be good and so

Rosalie grabs Renesmee and you know Bella's getting suspicious. And Jake says, Bella, it's just a wolf thing. You know, I don't have any control over it. To be fair, Jacob is pretty worried to tell her. It doesn't mean what you think it means. And she is pissed and she says she senses it right away

she says Edward take Renesmee out of the room and she grabs Jacob by like the back of his shirt and drags him out of the house pushes him down the stairs everyone comes outside to watch because this is so fun and she says you imprinted on my daughter

and he says I didn't have a choice she's a baby she's a baby and this one i love i love bella as a vampire she's standing up for herself and she's like i just held her for the first time and you think you have some fucking claim over her she's my daughter you stay away from her and he says you know i can't do that nessie needs me and she says you nicknamed my daughter after the lactose it's the best line it's the best line in the whole film to be fair you named her renez me so people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and oh my god she's pushing him around she kicks him and he goes flying she's beating the shit out of him edward fucking loves it esme at one point says to edward like edward stop her and he's like no

she's doing great he says this is she amazing jacob also makes another argument where he's like hey remember how you for when you were pregnant you really wanted to be around me and now you don't really want to be around me as much anymore. It's because it was Renesmee, Nessie, that wanted to be around me when she was a fucking fetus. This is actually Renesmee's choice, not mine. Renesmee wants me around.

So, sorry, good luck fighting with that, mom. And he tells her, it all makes sense now. It never made sense to me before. Me,

you, him. But now, I get it. It was always because of this. It was always for Renesmee. This was the reason. It's so fucked up. It's the creepiest thing in the world.

It is so fucked up. Also, the whole like, I have no control over it thing is the most infuriating part of it because it's like, he's trying to remove all responsibility from himself and place it. Oh, he does that several times in this movie. Jacob is the fucking worst. And he's like, I can't help it. I can't help the fact that I want to fuck your baby. I can't help it. Oh, he does that several times in this movie. Jacob is the fucking worst. And he's like, I can't help it.

I can't help the fact that I want to fuck your baby. Not only can I not help it, it's destiny. And she wants it too. She wants it. The universe wants it. For the rest of our lives. She's been flirting with me inside of you all along. Exactly.

And he does say, she says to him, she's like, she's a baby. And he says, it's not like that. Do you really think Edward would let me live if it were? That's so foul. And Edward says, I'm still deciding.

Yeah, I'm still deciding. So it's like, what is it like then, Jacob? Tell us. Tell us what it's like. No, God, please don't.

So she seems to accept that because, you know, what can you do jacob's you know married to her baby daughter oh i fucking hate it and so we are back inside it's nighttime jacob's sleeping on the couch because also now i guess he lives here like he has to be with her 24 7 for the until the end of time and the collins come up to Bella and Edward. Alice gives Bella a key and says, we have a present for you. Come follow us.

They gave Bella and Edward a little cottage in the woods. Secret house. Secret house. A little secret family home. Full magical cottage. Just a gorgeous little magical cottage in the woods. Has that been there the whole time or did they build that? Yeah.

Where did it come from? I think they built it. I don't know. Okay. But so they, you know, know they say here you go enjoy your house the baby by the way is like with rosalie like they just don't even care it doesn't matter yeah no so bella and edward go into their house they take a little tour they walk around they see renesme's room wow they see their room and there's a bed and bella says vampires don't sleep and edward says it's not for sleeping and it's for fucking and he comes up behind her and he kisses her neck and she grabs him and

throws him down on the bed oh how the tables have turned and she gets on top of him they literally rip each other's shirts off from the back because they're so strong it's really funny to rip each other's shirts from the back. Like, just rip them from the front. Just rip them from the front. Good stuff. We have this little sex scene of like, okay, they're full vampires now.

They can fuck as intensely as they want to. They're both so strong. And it is the least sexy sex scene ever. It's very gentle. It's very tender. They don't break a single thing in that room. It's very gentle and tender. They don't break anything. the whole house should be leveled by the logic of these movies tim and i were saying that and we were like is it just because she was a human and so he like destroyed the room because he wanted to destroy her so badly i think she's a vampire yes yeah

they're not destroying things it was he was having to like put his strength elsewhere. Yes. So now her body can take it. Now he can fuck all of it into her. Wow. Okay. Okay. It tracks. Which again should be pretty fucking hot but it's not. We do get a close up of their wedding rings while they're having sex as they're intertwining fingers just in case we forgot.

And that's why they're allowed to do it because they're married. That's why. So many shots at the wedding rings. And their rings are gorgeous and not disgusting. Cut to afterwards. They're lying down naked in front of the fireplace. They are both so gorgeous, really at their peak gorgeousness in this movie. And she says to him, wow, you really were holding back before. Which also they had sex two times.

They had sex two times before she got pregnant and died. But apparently this is way better and they she says i'm never gonna get used to this like we don't get tired we don't need to take breaks we don't need to catch our breath we don't need to eat how am i ever gonna stop and he says when rosalie and emmet first got together it took a full decade for anyone to be within five miles of them and she says i think we're gonna be worse and he says yeah we're definitely gonna be worse they're not they're not they're not bad they're like a fully fully tame couple next morning they go back to the cullen house we see rosalie sitting in the woods with redesme jacob staring at them out the window chowing down on the sandwich he's eating it so hard they walk in and emmett's immediately like

oh wow back so soon did you break a lot of stuff just like saying really crazy shit to them everyone's laughing haha they're fucking all the time now even though again they're not charlie calls The phone rings. They all tense up. And Bella says, is that Charlie? And they say, yeah, he's been calling twice a day. We're going to have to tell him soon that you died so that he can start mourning. Bella says, yeah, OK, let's tell him tomorrow. And Emmett says, you know, it's a shame. I'm going to miss it here. I liked it here. And Jacob says, what? You're leaving? And they're like, yeah, we have to tell everyone Bella died. So obviously we can't stay here, you idiot. And he says, well, I never you never said you were going to leave.

And he's pissed in a stupid, dumb child. So he storms out, gets on his motorcycle, rides over to Charlie's and Charlielie's chopping wood classic hot dad stuff and jacob says charlie bella is and charlie says no no she's not he goes oh no she's fine she's home she's good and charlie says oh thank god okay i'm gonna go see her and jacob says charlie wait something you have to see first you don't live in the world you think you do and he starts undressing charlie does not understand why and he says jacob put your clothes back on and he says there's something you need to see so he fully takes off his clothes except for his underwear and transforms into a werewolf right in front of charlie and i guess problem solved i guess

no follow-up questions again the whole thing was like bella if you become a vampire you're also never gonna see your family again and then they're like no just kidding jacob turns into a wolf in front of him and so charlie's good jacob comes back to the collins to tell them that it's cool like i told charlie that i'm awolf. So like now you can see him. It's totally fine. He told Charlie that Bella is better, but in order to get better, she had to change,

but he doesn't tell her him what that means. And so he's talking to Bella and Edward and they're saying, you have no idea the danger. You just put Charlie in. If the Volturi know that he knows that we're vampires, they're going to kill him. And he says, no,

I didn't tell him about you. I just told him about me. So it's totally fine. I just told him you had to change,, no, I didn't tell him about you. I just told him about me. So it's totally fine. I just told him you had to change. But like, he didn't know what that means. This is all good. And he'll come over any minute. He's on his way here.

And Edward says, do you have any idea the pain that you're going to put Bella through? It's going to be like putting a white hot iron down her throat. And that's assuming she can even control her thirst saying that she's going to want to kill and drink her dad's blood so badly that this is literally impossible for her it's fine it won't be it's going to be totally fine it's really not that big of a deal actually it's actually like completely fine she's gonna be totally fine she's a perfect woman but jacob says i know how much you need him in your life, Bella, and you'll be devastated without him. And Edward says,

don't for a second, try to act like you did this for anyone other than yourself, which is true. And Jacob says, I'm sorry. You feel that way. Jacob is so fucked up. I fucking hate Jacob.

He is a manipulative piece of shit. I think that's like the worst thing you can say to somebody when they express I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry that you feel that way. It's a crazy thing to say to somebody. People say it a lot. It is so fucked up. It is the most it is the least

vulnerable way to have a conversation with someone. It is the most pushing the responsibility back on them. Yeah, it's like the least effective way to say sorry. It's like i said the word sorry and then immediately saying sorry made it your problem like i'm sorry that you still have a problem like i i'm actually sorry that you're bothering me still yeah by not being okay with what i did like what's your problem sorry you still have a problem with me i hate jacob i love him i still love him i fucking hate him so then they're like okay well charlie's coming over in 10 minutes so you better get

ready to not kill him so then the cullens teach bella how to act like a human even though she's been one up until like a day ago and also has been acting normal this whole time they're like okay try to sit and cross your legs a thing that she i think has been doing normal this whole time. They're like, okay, try to sit and cross your legs. A thing that she, I think, has been doing for the past 45 minutes, but she doesn't and she shoots her chair back across the room. She's so strong, she doesn't realize it.

And then they're like, okay, well, just make sure you blink at least three times a minute. Again, I think she's been blinking the whole time. And then they say, hold your breath. It'll make the thirst better. You won't want to kill him as much, but make sure you move your shoulders up and down like you're breathing and make sure you slunch or slunge that's that should be a word slunge is

slump slump and slouch slouch slump slunch i was just slunching around that's like what jacob was doing with his sandwich at the window was slunching um yeah they're like she's like it's cool i got it uh slouch slunch blink sandwich at the window was slung. Yeah, they're like, she's like, it's cool. I got it. Slouch, slunch, blink. It's cool. One other thing about Jacob's sandwich, it's like pumpernickel bread. It's like really crazy dark bread. It's really crazy dark bread.

I love a pumpernickel. And I love Jacob. You guys have a lot in common. I mean, Sammy, you love seeing this side of him. And by this side, I mean friend, brother, lover. Husband, daddy. Neutered boyfriend. Neutered boyfriend.

No notes. So just then, Charlie comes to the door. Carla gets the door for him, brings him in. He walks in to see Bella sitting on the couch, really uptight, like really stiff. And he comes in. He says to Bella, he says, you don't turn into a big dog, do you? Or you don't turn into any animals, do you? And she says, no.

And Jacob says, she wishes she was that awesome. Again, we're all totally cool. Charlie's on board immediately. Whatever. Who cares? He really does not have a lot of follow up questions. And he has been told like you can't ask questions, I think. But he does accept that really quickly. So quickly. So everyone else, all the Cullens and Jacob, they leave the room. They say, let's give you some privacy. Because again, up until two seconds ago, we were really worried you were gonna kill him but i guess let's just give you some privacy because we'll just see what happens and he sits down next to bell on the couch is asking her what's going on is she okay it looks like she's maybe

trying to contain her thirst keep her distance from him but she's saying you know i'm healthy as a horse and you know i can't tell you anything i can't give you any answers but i promise like we just trust that i'll tell you anything you need to know he says you know i don't know what's going on like you look like my daughter but you don't i just saw jacob turn into a really big fucking dog like i don't know what's going on and she says it's okay i promise like everything's fine i'm gonna tell you what you need to know if you need to know it but other than that can we just like be good is everything cool and he says yeah i guess i don't want to lose you again so sure i'll accept this and then he hugs her and she doesn't try to kill him even a little bit it's

like she's totally fine to just hug him and be like super super close to his neck without an issue so again like problem solved like no big deal actually everything about being a vampire totally fucking rules yeah he's not even mad he's not even no all that sad he's pretty he's pretty cool it's all fine just then edward brings renez me into the room and uh jacob had told charlie that that fella and edward adopted edward's niece and so they bring Renesmee into the room. And again, okay, mind you, in the timeline of Charlie's world here, I think Edward and Bella got married like a month ago. I think it's been like one month.

Yep. Just again, just like hammer that point home. It's just been one month of time. They bring Renesmee in and Edward says, this is someone I want you to meet. And Charlie says, oh, right, your niece. And Edward says, our daughter.

And he says, yeah, the adoption. And he looks at Renesmee and he says to Bella, she has your eyes. Again, one month. It has been one month. What does Charlie think could have happened? And they're supposed to be 18. And they are 18. He's so even keeled. She also disappeared for multiple weeks.

He thought she was dead. He literally thought she was dead. He thought she was dead. She's back. She looks all weird and hot. Her eyes are different. There's a child here who looks six months old who has her eyes.

It's been a month. And he, and so he's like, he takes this all in. He definitely knows that she's actually their daughter. Couldn't possibly fathom how that could be true. But he says to bella need to know i'm guessing and she says yeah again all good all good here everything is good and then just like

cut to him driving away and they're just like waving at him bye charlie see you later the most shocking part i was like oh he's just gone now he's just gone yeah no he's good he's a girlfriend now so yeah yeah his dead friend's wife widow sorry which also is never like addressed no in any meaningful way i mean it's this kind of stuff where so having watched it twice in pretty quick succession there's times where i was like i feel like i'm having some kind of like psychic assault happening to me while I'm watching this where I can't follow much story. I can't really understand what's going on with any of these characters. All I can understand is that I feel like I am in psychic distress and I don't know where to turn. It's because the story, in the world of the story, everything is totally fine and makes

sense. Yet, if you try to explain it, it's like explaining a dream. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't track. None of the motivations, none of the reactions. Nothing is tethered to anything at all. I was thinking about part one. I, too, like you, Henley was like so dug into the story and like the minutiae of what it's saying and every detail on screen and like really really deeply just like plunging in and in this one my experience was like i was like i was much more keyed into how weird i felt and how hollow my brain felt while i was while i was experienced like not even really watching this movie just experiencing some kind of aurora borealis on the screen while my eyes like spun in their sockets like like what the movie was doing to you like the movie was enacting something

on you yes exactly, exactly. Yes. And that's the real difference. Especially the first viewing. I think that's why after our first viewing, Joel and I both felt completely insane. We saw Sammy between our first and second viewings, and Joel and I, we didn't know what to say to you about this movie, because I think we were still affected.

I knew by the fact you guys not bringing it up, I was like, something's up. We couldn't like process it like i yeah i i feel like the first viewing it just happened to me and i didn't know where i was or or it's like when you when you go to like italy and they're like careful those pickpockets they'll like bump into you and then five minutes later you realize your purse is gone it's like how i felt the entire time watching this movie i was being nudged and then suddenly my brain had been taken from me you're being pickpocketed upon second viewing i was like hell yeah yeah very interesting hell yeah this i did not have that experience i came to embrace the

teetering on the brink of sanity you have, you just have to succumb. I let it happen. Just wash over me. You have to be in the logic of the movie. What I kept thinking was like, they should have just made him, I know they wouldn't do this because this is not that type of movie, but he should have been like an alcoholic or something. Like something to explain away how he could react. How he could be so fine with it or he needs to have been like someone needs to have like

fucked with his brain or something just it's such an irrational way to react to this news yeah honestly even within the world of Twilight

we know that Jasper can control people's emotions and we didn't use that use something give us something we didn't need it everything's fine I mean they didn't really use Jasper

for fucking anything well Jasper't really use Jasper for fucking anything. Well, Jasper, hold on. Joel Jasper is about to have his first and second to last line of the movie. Charlie leaves. He says, well done, Bella. I've never seen a newborn be able to control themselves that well. And Edward says something like,

you know, she's really strong now. She's actually the strongest one in the house. And Emmett's like, what? I'm the strongest one in the house. My whole deal is that I'm big and strong. And decides that he wants to arm wrestle her. And so cut to Emmett carrying a big ass boulder, throwing it down on the ground. They tee up to arm wrestle.

And here Jasper has his last line of the movie, which is counting them down. Three, two, one. to arm wrestle and here jasper has his last line of the movie which is counting them down three and how much do you think jackson got paid yeah it must be so fucking cool to just get to like hang out in the background of scenes and have like no stress at all and get paid so much especially as a new dad he was probably like hardly present and was just like i'm making so much money to just be here every shot that you see of him it looks like he's posing for like a painting like a painted portrait from the 1800s first lips i'm obsessed with him he is the anti jacob he's the best and so they arm wrestle and of course bella wins and when she smashes his hand down into the rock it like breaks through the rock and then she just

goes yeah yeah and punches the rock and punches holes out of it and kicks a chunk out of it and she's like so amped she turns around to Edward and she's like did you see that and I was like yeah we were all here to watch this happen like I'm right here

that's why we're here she's so fucking proud of herself that she's really strong now. And Edward is so pumped, too. Oh, my God. He's so pumped. He's obsessed. Which is also like, dude, so why were you so opposed to this? You're having the time of your life, buddy. Everything is so good.

Everything about being a vampire is fucking great for everyone. It's so weird. There are no downsides whatsoever. They don't even show us one downside. None. None at all. Because she was born to be a vampire is the thing. This is actually what she was meant to be. We see sunlight coming through the trees and you know she's got to step into that sunlight and she sparkles. Everything is awesome. We have a voiceover from Kristen Stewart talking about how basically everything's awesome. Everything's going really great.

She gets to hang out with Charlie. The Volturi sent her a necklace being like, welcome, so glad you're a vampire. Everything is really fucking good. She says our only enemy now is time. And we do a little quick montage we see that renez may is growing really really fast and so now she looks like she's like five and they don't know how long they're gonna have with her because is she just gonna grow up really really fast and then

die at a normal human age but like in a short span of time they don't know so we cut to bella and jacob as a wolf and renez may outside catching snowflakes and she has powers we she she can like jump up in the air real high kind of vampire like and bella says to jacob jacob in werewolf he's in werewolf form yeah but she says i we think we might be able to find some answers in brazil they may have seen something like this before love how often we just throw out brazil as like a place where answers can be found. They'll probably know. They probably understand this in Brazil. What does Stephanie Meyer think Brazil is?

I don't know. Her view of the world in general in this film is pretty interesting. Pretty interesting. Just then, Renesmee, you you know flies up into the air to catch a snowflake and we see in a distant cliff top urina peepee peepee peepee's here and she sees this she sees renez may bella sees peepee and says she says urina and urina! And Yerina runs away. And so Bella like speed, looking horrified. Looking horrified, yeah.

Bella like goes after her, tries to get after her. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Not pee, pee, pee, pee, pee. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. I see. Tries to catch up to Pee Pee and she doesn't make it. We see, see she gets the edge of a cliff side and we see like a little you know ripple effect in the ocean below pp just jumped into the water to get away it's so funny there's just like little bubbles from a that she jumped in a couple seconds ago it's the funniest way to go like i don't know she jumped off of a cliff and swam away and so then back at the collins house why do why do vampires love swimming so much in these movies they're obsessed

with being in the water they're constantly swimming constantly mountain climbing because they're in near seattle there's just it's just water around like even in even three they like do the pirates of the carib Caribbean march across the water, too. They're obsessed with being underwater. I think just because they can. Because they don't really have to breathe. And they're already cold. They also just love to gather in living rooms and stand in pairs and look concerned.

I mean, that's the other thing that they do. They just all gather in one room. And they're doing it now. They're doing it now. They're all in the living room. And they say that Yerina, Pee pp came to try to make peace with them because if you remember in the wedding she was sad because they killed laurent but apparently her sister is convinced her to try to come make peace with them but then they think oh maybe when she saw jacob it was too much for

her and so she left because she was upset about jacob so just then we cut to, we see Pee Pee is in Italy and we see her go up to the Volturi and she says, I'm here to report a crime. And Arrow, Michael Sheen, back in all his glory, takes her hand so he can read her mind and sees Renesmee.

Correct me if I'm wrong. I feel like this is intercut with Edward playing the Twilight theme on the piano. Correct. Oh, with Renesmee. You are 100% correct. Yes. And in this moment, I thought, my God, imagine how many things you could get so good at if you never slept and lived forever.

I kind of had the opposite thought where I was like, I think even if I were 110, like I still don't think I would know how to speak Portuguese and play piano. And I, all I had was time to do those things. It's like, yeah, I haven't made any steps towards doing them now. So what's to say that I would do them as a vampire? You would know your limits so much better. God, you would, we could watch so much TV. know your limits so much better. God, you would,

we, you could watch so much TV. I would watch so much TV. Oh God, it'd be awesome. But cut back to the Cullens. And yes, Edward is playing the twilight theme on the piano.

And Alice walks into the room, carrying a vase, gets a vision, freaks out, drops a vase, a vase shatters. She sees a Volturi coming, marching through the snow, ready for battle.

And they say what did you see and we learn that the Volturi are coming for them because they think that Renesmee is an immortal child and Carlisle tells us a story of the immortal children which was a long time ago there were some children that got turned into vampires and they were beautiful and everybody loved them was enchanted by them vampires and they were beautiful and everybody loved them, was enchanted by them. But because they were children, their growth was stunted the time that they return.

And so they were, you know, incapable of controlling their thirst and incapable of maintaining the secret that they were vampires. So they risked the security of vampires as a whole. A single tantrum could ruin a whole village. A single tantrum could ruin a whole village. A single tantrum could ruin a whole village. Henley, can you relate?

Absolutely. Absolutely. And so we see this memory unfolding. We see the Volturi coming to kill this whole coven of vampires and their immortal children. We see a really cute blonde little boy with his mouth covered in blood. This was the part that I thought Henley might not like.

It's okay. God, I loved it. It was so funny. It's okay. And we see Jane pick this child up and carry him to the town center or the town square where we have this other woman that the Volturi have grabbed. This is Pee Pee's mother.

And she had turned this child into a vampire and so they kill her well, they kill her to punish her, pull off her head and her arms throw her in a burning pile and then Jane just takes this

three-year-old boy and just tosses him onto the flames It's very, very funny. It really is pretty funny. So we realize, oh no, cut back to the Cullens. They think that Renesmee is one of them. They're going to come and kill all of them and kill Renesmee. So they say, okay, we're going to have to, you know,

they won't listen to reason, but maybe if we can get enough people on our side enough of our vampire friends who know what renaz may truly is we can convince them not to kill us and they're like i don't know i don't know it's a lot to ask to go tell people to like come and dig in and take take them out of their busy lives to try to not make sure that we don't all get killed uh i'm just i told you i'm gonna say this all the time as my turns to carla and she says we can ask this of our friends i'll be saying that all the time we can ask this of our friends is that her her only line because i was noticing she's it's one of them yeah it might be she doesn't have it's like one of maybe like four and so yeah next

morning we're like ready we're gathering the. We're gathering the fellowship. We're doing it. And as they're going to start gathering all their friends around the world, Carlisle presents. Oh, no. Sam comes to the house with a note from Alice, basically saying she and Jasper left. They're not coming with them anymore. They don't know why.

Why would they leave us? But but the note says when the snow sticks to the ground that's when the volturi are coming basically you have until then that's what she's seen which is deeply confusing because it was snowing when renez me like how do you know when it's actually sticking versus when it's just they seem to know what this means so good for them okay yeah but you know they're all pretty upset why would Why would Alice and Jasper leave when we need them most? There's no further explanation. Well, one important detail is that the note is written on a page from William Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice, which... Means nothing other than it's a book that Bella has at her house. I'm curious as to why Stephanie Meyer chose that one in particular.

Anybody's familiar with that play you know what i'm saying go go andrew yeah i'm not i'm not tell me oh uh the villain in that play is a character named shylock if you've ever heard that term used um it's a very anti-semitic play oh interesting okay yeah you know she could have chosen any of shakespeare's plays to leave it didn't even have to know, she could have chosen any of Shakespeare's plays to leave a clue in. It didn't even have to be Shakespeare. Could have chosen literally any book. Could have been anything.

I was like really intrigued. I was like, oh, I wonder what this clue inside of The Merchant of Venice is. We'll get there. There isn't one. There isn't one. So first, Bella and Edward and Jacob and Renesmee, because Jacob can never be parted from an esme go to the alaska relatives which is pp's family and they show them renez me because they're they're like

the first ones to have to be convinced because it was their mother who is you know created for that other immortal child so they're very triggered by all this but they show renez me to them and you know renez me puts her little hand on their face to show them, I don't know, the truth. And they believe it. And they're like, oh, my God, this is not an immortal child. We're with you. We'll support you. Great.

They can hear her heart beating, too. Oh, yes. And she's presumably also like a little bit warmer than them. Then Carlisle and Esme go to Egypt where they meet Rami Malek, who can control the elements. His vibe is so silly. His vibe is so it's very Rami Malek. It's just like and I'll never forget the story, Sammy. Can you please tell your Rami Malek story?

Because I'm obsessed with it. Yes, I had a friend who was friends with him before I knew who he was. So he was like before he was really that famous. Yeah, he had been in some stuff, but I was not familiar with him. Probably he'd been in this. Maybe. Yeah, I guess so. I guess I didn't remember him from this. Anyways, he was at my friend's house and we went over there after work to just like have a couple beers. And he was reading lines from a script in front of us and asked us if he could run the scene to us to get notes. To you.

To us. And I think it was for the master, which he did get. I mean, he does now have an Academy Award. Yes. And it was very bizarre. I was just like, who the fuck is this guy? Why is he making us? I don't remember if he was good or not. I'm sure he was, but I was just like, why are we doing this? Whether or not he was good acting. Yeah. This is not a good thing to do to people. You don't just get to interrupt an evening being like, you want to watch me act? The man loves acting. The man loves acting and hates social norms. So yeah, the Egyptian vampires are not interested at first.

They're like, we're not going to come against the Volturi. But then Rami Malek makes a wall of water so they can't leave. And he says, I'd like to hear about it. That was probably a bad accent, but it was very funny. I'd never get to meet the friends or whatever he says. Yeah, I'd never get to meet them. He likes to keep me hidden and then he has his hands up so then you know cut to he the egyptian vampires are at the cullens they're meeting renez may they're like wow she's so cool ramiak like makes some dust fly around

for renez may to like impress her and bella says here i just have super self-control she's not happy with her gift. Not all vampires get gifts, bitch. Bitch? At least you got one. And also, it's awesome being a vampire. Like, excuse me, you're already over it? Yeah.

Just then, two Amazonian vampires arrive. And they're excited about this. The Cullens are excited about this because this means the message is getting across. Word is spreading that people need to come and meet Runez May. So very excited about this. Very culturally respectful and- Really respectful of these women. Tasteful.

They definitely don't enter the scene with the sounds of the jungle just being played over their entrance. Cut to Emmett and Rosalie meeting arguably the most important character of the film. Incorrectly named Garrett. That's not his name. That's not the best name.

That's not right. That's not the best name for him. But it is Lee Pace having just a ton of fun being a little vampire. God, he is just so beautiful he's really really gorgeous and he looks great as a vampire he looks great as a vampire and what's crazy is like i feel like everyone looks hotter as a vampire lee pace looks hotter as lee pace like he does it's true extremely hot in this don't get me wrong but he's actually hotter just in his regular life

pretty wild pretty wild stuff. But he does look beautiful and he is having fun. So Lee Pace joins our little crew. Cut back to the Cullens and we are, now we've got a really full living room of people standing around and scowling. There are a lot of us here. We are sort of being introduced

to like all the different little groups of vampires. One of which is a group of three Irish vampires who like- This movie's anti-Irish. All the vampires are really hot except for these three irish vampires who are like really homely and it is so fucking funny that in this world vampires the hottest people on earth unless you're irish this really made me laugh this like five minute sequence of events i was just like lee pace irish vampires what like it's incredible it's so funny too because the irish vampires are homely and they're the only vampires who can't be in a room

with a non-vampire because they can't control their blood thirst and they're just like tame little people in like newsboy hats like they're just like so it's so strange. And through voiceover, we learn that as more and more vampires arrive to Forks, more Quilliat are turning into werewolves because that's the, you know, the balance. So we see Jacob sort of training the new baby werewolves. Like to fight in an army? Like these are children, child soldiers? Yeah, these are little, little children. Yeah, very very young young children

then we get a voiceover that their most unexpected ally arrived with carlisle and esme and it's alistair who's this cockney vampire whose purpose is never known like they act like it's really important that he's here and i literally don't understand why he's just like a weird he like immediately goes like i'm gonna go to the attic and just like stays in the attic and every now and again like we'll watch a scene happen like from up above and be like i don't know about this and it's like that's all he's doing i feel like this is the first time that i've ever been tempted to read the books i mean i presume there's probably not a ton more information in there. Probably not a ton more.

But I wonder if there's any semblance of backstory for any of these people in the books. Yeah, or like deleted scenes or something, maybe. Yeah, they really, they introduce this character in particular as if he's going to be important to the story somehow. And he is just deeply not. He's not at all, no.

But then we're sort of learning about the different gifts that all these vampires have and so sofrina who's one of the amazonian vampires can control people's minds to make them see what she wants them to see she does it on edward and she turns the forest into a jungle. Into a jungle. Pretty impressive. She turns trees into a different kind of tree. Look, you know, I can't do it. Who am I to judge? And we learn that Bella's gift is actually that she's a shield,

which is why other people's gifts even when she was human haven't been because again she was destined to be a vampire born to be a vampire other people's gifts don't work on her edward can't read her mind arrow can't read her thoughts like she's a shield which i thought is like really cool it's like a really cool way to pay off so much of what's going on with bella leading into this but why have it be like a known thing? Why wouldn't they be like, we don't understand what this is. We've never seen anybody like this. Why not just make her like a novelty instead of like, oh, she's a shield.

We all know the rules of how this works. Yeah, they don't explain it a lot because Edward does say, oh, but the other shields I've met are so different from you. But we don't get any explanation of what that means, how they're different. No, who cares? It's just, again, they don't have time to of what that means, how they're different. No. Who cares? It's just, again, they don't have time to get into that in this movie. And so there's a lot of details that I have questions about.

Yeah, we got to read the books, I guess. And then we need to do a whole separate podcast series on the books. Great. It's not over. We'll keep it going forever. Bella Chela. Bella Chela. Oh, no. Bella Ch Bella Bella Bella Bella

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Bella Bella Bella Bella Bella So that'll be beneficial in the battle. So we decide to train Bella to use her shield to protect others by... Pee-Pee's sister is, like, electric. She has, like, electricity coursing through. She, like, tased people, basically, like, with her own... Pee-Pee's sister is electric. And Lee Pace is so turned on by it.

Lee Pace is so turned on by it. You're a remarkable woman. I am a remarkable woman. on by it you're a remarkable woman so she keeps tasing edward in front of bella to like motivate bella to shield him and it takes like two tries and then she does it so great that's good to go and yeah we see that garrett garrett's such a funny name garrett and the electric lady are like really horny for each other which is great great. Just then, the Russian vampires arrive. They are so silly. The Russian vampires arrive and everyone's like,

uh-oh, we didn't invite them. They're like jumping through the trees. Uh-oh. They are jumping through the trees. This really confused us in first viewing because they are, they're definitely Russian. Their names are like Vladimir and Stefan. Yeah, like the Irish people are siobhan and liam and yeah yeah we're really taking the first draft name pics we're

really hammering at home but they do as they're jumping through the trees the werewolves are chasing them they're jumping through the trees and they go so joel's like are they greek who are these vampires the classic russian phrase opa and so they arrive stephanie meyer doesn't know what any other countries are she's like brazil brazil is this said this is russia is where all the answers are and um these guys are russian opa and everyone's kind of upset that they're there because they, all they want to do is fight the Volturi. Like they don't actually,

they're not there for an Esme. They don't care. They just have like a bone to pick with Volturi and they're really excited to fight. Everybody else is hoping we won't have to fight, but they're like, no, no,

no. Let's fucking fight the Volturi. Carlisle says to them, and Joel knows I'm about to do this. I've been practicing all morning. Carlisle says to them, we didn't commit any crime. Like there's no reason to fight.

We didn't actually do anything wrong. And one of them goes, we do not care what you did. Carlisle says to them we didn't commit any crime like there's no reason to fight we didn't actually do anything wrong and one of them goes we do not care what you did carlisle we do not care what you did carlisle i've been saying it all morning i have it written down as well it's one of my favorite lines they're just really excited to fight the vulture they're also like one of them has jet black hair and the other one is like albino. It's really funny. It's wild. It's yeah, they are very funny.

They're giving like major what we do in the shadows. Yes. Like they would be perfect in that universe. Yes. Agreed. If you're a new parent, a bad day means you either ran out of coffee, diapers, patience, or all of the above. Stocking up on cold brew and deep breaths are all you,

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to have an excuse to come after them, that they do this a lot where they look for any excuse to come after a coven who's, um, causing them problems or something. Yeah. And for someone who's gift they want, kind of like dune style, like,

uh, the Atreides. Yeah. And they want Alice. They want Alice. So they need an excuse to kill her coven so they can take Alice to join their group and have her gifts, which they're like, that's why Alice left because she knew that. And so she didn't want to be here for this. And so they're like, okay, well, actually,

we do have to fight them then. They're not, it's not actually about whether or not Renesmee is an immortal child. They're just here to kill us. So we have to fight back. Which, why don't just have it be about renezme just like whatever i think it's i think they need to say they have a reason so that other vampires it's like you got to keep the masses oppressed in a way you know i see okay so yeah but then all the other vampires are like okay i guess sure we'll fight because it's it's us versus them um we see that meanwhile the volturi are also like assembling their own little force we see jane and her brother alec

who now all of a sudden i guess has some crazy power that we've never seen before where he like can shoot black smoke out of his hands and blind people i feel like it's an eclipse isn't it is it i think okay i was like oh okay I didn't think this guy did anything. I could be wrong, but I felt like I'd seen it before. It might be. Who knows? But yeah, anyway, that's happening. Who knows?

Who cares? We're teaching Bella how to use her shield, getting ready for battle. Bella puts Renesmee to bed one night and Renesmee asks Bella if they're all going to die. And she's like, no, I'm never going to let anything happen to you because I don't deserve to exist if my child isn't safe. After they put Bella to bed or Reneson to bed, Edward and Bella, then this is actually very nice. This is a very nice moment. They're sitting on the couch and Bella does say, it's so weird. My body, I feel like I could like run a marathon, but I'm so emotionally drained, which was the my body I feel like I could like run a marathon but I'm so

emotionally drained which was the first time I was like oh yeah that's also what sleep is for is just to like stop having to do things and I understood the plight of the vampire yeah yeah Edward says to her he says in all the time I've known you I've had a bad habit of underestimating you I always think you're not going to be able to handle the challenge that comes your way and then you do and i'm only here because of you and i'm like so grateful for you it's actually very nice lovely moment yeah very overdue like fucking finally dude and he says he's gonna draw her a bath because she can't sleep but she can take a bath and so i'm back on board I would be a vampire

while he's gone Bella looks at Alice's note sees that it's written on a page of the Merchant of Venice looks over to her bookshelf there are 10 million books but of course she immediately clocks the Merchant of Venice grabs it off the shelf opens it up and on the other side of that page inside the book

is written Jay Jenks Seattle destroy this so bella says alice knew she made she made sure that only i would get this message because arrow can't read my thoughts but how how yeah i don't know how i'm the only one who would take the note keep the note see what book it was come came from see the book on my bookshelf and open the book this is another thing that feels like there maybe at one point was another scene where they talked about the merchant of venice or something like or like if i ever leave you a note from a book read the book i don't i really don't know any reason why bella would be able to put this together while nobody else would seems like

anybody has the same amount of likeliness of being able to find that note. Correct. She didn't even give the note to Bella. No. But whatever, it worked. So who cares? Bella drops Renesmee and Jacob, because again, they have to always be together,

off at Charlie's so she can go run this errand. Okay, it's been what? A couple more weeks now? Maybe another month? Maybe. Maybe another month. And Renesmee is now like seven years old and she drops Renesmee

off at Charlie's and he says, wow, you've grown like a foot since the last time I saw you. All right, kid, let's get inside and decorate the tree. Yeah, she was a baby last time, right? No question. Jacob, get in here. Get in here, son. Let's decorate the tree bella goes to meet with jay jenks who says he's been working with jasper and alice for 15 years and before that

his partner before him who retired worked with them for another 20 years before that so he gets it and this is bunk that's right yeah and this is bundle pierce bundle's right. Yeah. And this is Bunk. Wendell Pierce. Yep. Wendell Pierce. Bunk's namesake. And this is Bunk. Only in like cop shows and like CIA shows. And it's so jarring to see him in Twilight. Twilight Fricky Don part two. I'm also just realizing back to the Charlie thing. It reminds me of I've been watching a lot of Spidey and Amazing Friends with Silas.

It's the only thing he wants to watch. And in that show, which is for toddlers, a main thing that happens in every single episode is that Peter's aunt, Aunt May, she's always present for the shenanigans that are going on. She's always around, but she always has headphones on, or she's always just like, oh, you kids. You'll never believe what I saw at the farmer's market today, a whole storyline for this TV series that's for literal two and three-year-olds is that the person who's in charge, the Aunt May character, just turns a blind eye to absolutely everything, doesn't notice, doesn't care. And they just use that exact same logic with Charlie. They're like, we'll just do that with him. It'll be fine. Yeah. Also, again,

not only is this child now seven years old and he's turning a blind eye to that we must also remember that in his mind i mean and also in in the world bella is 18 his 18 year old daughter is parenting a seven-year-old and he's like come on in let's decorate the tree like not concerned does not care how is this 18 year old the parent of a seven year this is this is wild and why is jacob always around especially because charlie's whole character has been like overly worried and like constantly stressed about bella but now she's someone else's wife and property and therefore not his responsibility anymore and somebody else's mother and somebody else's mother really wild stuff um but bella meets with bunk and so she knows that he knows that they're vampires or like he just sort of

knows something's up with them but will work with them anyway and he says that alice and jasper came to him and requested this from him he hands bella an envelope and inside is birth certificate and two passports one for jacob and one for renesme and so this is the point of the movie where joel and i are both like uh okay i guess the plan is the vision that alice had like we're like sort of like bella immediately understand what's going on and we're like i guess sure which is that bella now says i get it now the future that alice saw means that renez may and jacob have to go off away from me like they'll have a future but it'll be without me basically that the bat i think it means the battle's gonna happen and edward and bella are gonna die yeah and renez may and jac Jacob will go off and get married and live their lives

in peace and harmony. Wait, but question that I'm just thinking of now. For these passports, wouldn't it, well, I guess that wouldn't make sense. But I feel like Jacob, in order to have a child with him at all times, would have to be that child's parent. So do these passports say that they are father and daughter? Probably. And then how are they going to get married when their legal identities are that they're father and daughter? Just go see Jenks again, get a new passport. You're right, you're right. Why did I even think it could be an issue?

Of course it's not going to be an issue. Also, who says they need legal marriage? It's destiny marriage. God decides. God. The God of men and vampires. It's also really fascinating that a lot of what's going on with Renesmee and Bella is that

Bella's speed-running motherhood. She speed-ran pregnancy. Now she's speed-running motherhood because her daughter's Aging at a rapid pace But also she's extra speed Running it because she has to now This is about her resigning herself To Renesmee growing up

Leaving the nest, getting married And having a future without her Where it's like she's still only seven Even if she's growing at a fast rate You're already ready to send her off at age seven in this timeline. It's really funny. Well, she's also actually only like three months.

I know. Okay, so this is another thing that I'm thinking too is does her emotion, like her brain just like develops, like things just get like sucked into her brain at an insanely fast rate. Like babies only learn how to do things because they are around it over it. Like babies learn how to talk, babies learn how to do things because they are around it over and like babies learn how to talk babies learn how they observe they absorb and it's like

how is she getting seven years worth of development in three months maybe when she touches people's faces you know she does like telepathy with people yeah just sort of like sucks it sucks it into her brain sucks it right in like in the matrix just like plugging in and downloading. Yeah, it must be. But it's also like, yeah, I mean, what is this child is being, how is she going to develop any personality? How is anyone going to know what her personality is? She doesn't have one yet. Fucking roasted her. Her personality is future wife.

I was going to say, who cares if she has a personality? It doesn't matter because she just belongs to Jacob and that's all that counts yeah it's all that matters that's all that matters Nessie Nessie so Bella is packing this bag for Renesmee writing her little note I'm sorry I won't be there to see you grow up Jacob will take care of you Alistair sees her doing this and again we treat it as if it's an important moment that's going to mean something and it literally doesn't and it doesn't matter and there's a joel didn't know at the second time we watched it there's a part of the decor in whatever fucking room she's in is a gigantic pair of scissors on the wall it's so big it's it's truly like a human-sized scissor and isn't it kind of like worked into another piece of art that doesn't

really match it. Like it's part of it. It's so strange. I saw those as well and was very thrown off. Really big scissors. There's all sorts of weird art in their house. Did you notice in the last one that there's one piece of art in their house? It's like on the stairway.

It's a huge, uh, like mural sized thing, but it's like a framed of just a whole bunch of graduation hats because it's all the times they've graduated because they have to move that one makes sense to me the scissors I have

questions about I don't understand the context of the scissors okay next day presumably it's Christmas Bella looks out the window and says the snow is sticking they'll be coming soon it's like okay I looks out the window and says, the snow is sticking. They'll be coming soon. It's like, okay, I guess now,

oh, sure. we all know exactly what that means. We all know exactly what that means. And Edward says, you know,

let's just have Christmas together. So we're having Christmas with Edward. It's Edward, Bella, Renesmee, Jacob, Seth,

and Leah Clearwater, Sue Clearwater, their mom, and Charlie, their mom's, you know, their dad's clearwater sue clearwater their mom and charlie their mom's you know their dad's friend who's now fucking their mom happy family happy normal family and they edward and val a gift charlie a five-day fishing trip that leaves tomorrow so he you know get him out of the picture then that night we're having a big pre-battle bonfire all the vampires sitting around a bonfire getting ready getting ready for battle apparently vampire

they're all sharing war stories that vampires have been present at every war and battle in human history we see bella in a tent with renez may giving her a locket that has a picture of Bella and Edward in it. Her first family heirloom. Her first family heirloom. And inscribed on the locket is, in Portuguese, because all the answers live in Brazil, a quote that says,

more than my own life. Wow. Wow. I don't remember this sequence whatsoever. Somehow my brain has completely blocked this out. Yeah, I didn't write this one down. Wow. I don't remember this sequence whatsoever. Somehow my brain has completely blocked this out. Yeah, I didn't write this one down. Yeah. And Bella tells Renesmee, tomorrow you need to stay with Jacob the whole time, no matter what.

Even if that means I tell you, you have to go away. She's being like scary about this too. Yeah. And Renesmee starts crying. Because she's not doing a great job of like making it seem like she's 18 yeah yeah she's been a mother for three months if that oh sorry there's just one more thing i think i was thinking about when it comes to this the rapid growth of renez me which they never have to experience like the difficult, messy, tedium and brutal,

like post birth, brand new baby stuff. No, even her body. Cause she's immediately turned into a vampire. So she's like hot and whole. Yeah. So it,

it really reminds me of in part one when, um, what's her name? The one who's obsessed with baby, who like never is present for any of the ugly parts, but is obsessed with only the good parts and Lords that over everybody that that philosophy sort of carries through into this where like this kid can like feed itself and take care of itself two days after it's been fucking born. They never have to get hit by the crushing realities of

parenthood. It's just that at one point, do they ever have to change a diaper? They never change a diaper. She never breastfeeds. She never, we never see them feeding the baby. We never, like, none of the, yeah, really horrifying, brutal things about being a new mom.

She doesn't have to do it. Also, if you're really lucky, your baby's born married. If you're really lucky, your baby is born with a built-in babysitter that's always there.

Yeah, and so actually, actually like you don't have to parent at all because once somebody is someone's wife they're not you don't have to worry about them at all anymore well jacob obviously changes the diapers that's exactly jacob takes care of the baby because the breastfeeding changes the diapers jacob is mommy brother best friend husband daddy like what no but truly though what is this series telling us about child marriage like is it saying it's only good it's

only good they're only good things that come from it we're just not thinking about it right because it's not like what we think it's not like that because you know Jacob and if you know that Jacob wouldn't be into it if it were fucked up and weird obviously obviously you know Jacob and you know that Jacob wouldn't be into it if it were fucked up and weird. Obviously.

Obviously. You know Jacob? Obviously it's fine. You know what? The thing is that really pisses me off though. It's like it is. It's funny. Ha ha.

But child marriage is like legal. No, it's very bad. Very bad. It happens. And viewing children as sexual objects is real and people do it and it's fucked up. And so it's so crazy that that is somehow like snuck into the most popular series. It's really insane. In America.

And truly never reckoned with. How did that happen? So fucked up. It is so fucked up. And we just all accept it. It's completely disgusting. It's so crazy too because it's like everyone kind of acknowledges it. I was trying to read reviews and everyone's like,

yeah, like child marriage happens in this. I don't know. What do you want us to say? Yeah. Yeah. Like, uh,

whatever. Oh, we love it. It's not like that. Henley, if you think it, I'm sorry you feel that way, but that's not what it's about.

Like, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry, but it's not, you're wrong. Um, but then's not what it's about. I'm sorry you feel that way. If you feel that way, I'm sorry, but it's not. You're wrong. But then it's time. Everyone is stepping out onto this battlefield. We have the Volturi coming from one direction.

We have other vampires and the werewolves coming from the other. They meet in the middle. Carlisle steps forward to talk to Aro, and he says, This child is not immortal! No, aren't they like a hundred feet apart talking normal level? Yeah, they actually are quite far apart, but they each step forward to indicate that they're talking to each other. But yes, they're very far apart still. And they talk very normal volume level, even I think a little bit

lower than normal. I was like, they're basically whispering because they have such heightened senses that they don't need to yell. They't need to but i thought it was very funny to really show us how far apart they are and him being like carlisle just saying she poses no threat there's no problem here it was very silly no laws were broken carlisle says you can see the flush of blood in her cheeks and chaos one of one of the, I think that's his name, one of the Volturi goes, Artifice! Artifice! Artifice!

And then Arwen says, I will know the whole truth. His performance is so fucking delicious. He's my favorite character by far. Should have, yeah, gotten an Academy Award for this. He is so fucking good. He says, Edward, Edward, as the child clings

to your new immortal bride, I presume that you are the father. Please come to me and let me see the truth. And so Edward comes up to him. He holds his hand and he goes, he gets like all his, oh God, his performance is so good here. He goes, it is

not, it is half human, half vampire. It is not immortal. I'd like to meet her. I'd like to meet her. And so they bring Renesmee forward. Bella and Renesmee come up and Renesmee puts her little hand on Aro's face. But what's crazy is they fake they fake uh hands they use like a full adult woman's hands for some of these shots it's really strange

i think they use the same hand from when she's a baby all the way up until this moment um and he truly like squeals in delight he does a really funny he goes like it's so good he thinks she's extraordinary and he is like yeah it's true she is not an immortal child and he brings first he at that moment he goes magnifico because he's italian because he is italian because he is fully italian magnifico actually i looked into the lore and he is Greek, but they live in Italy. Oh. Oh, perfect.

Oppa. Oppa. So they call Pee Pee Ford and they say, is this the child you saw? And she says, I don't know. She's changed.

She's much older. But she does say, I made a mistake and I take full responsibility. And they go, okay. And they pop her head off pull her arms off light her on fire kill her right then and there in front of her sisters they freak out scream rush at the full tory to try to get revenge edward turns to the amazonian vampires and says blind them and they make it so they can't see. And Edward says to them...

Because they're trying to prevent a big fight breaking out. Yeah, Edward says, like, don't fight them. That's what they want. They'll have an excuse to kill us all. So, you know, they calm down. Thankfully, the electric lady has Lee Pace.

So she's like, actually, honestly, I'm good. I do have something to live for. You're right and six or five actor lee pace um so crisis averted they don't fight back jane is pissed because jane wants a fight because she's a little bitch we see her look to edward to do her gift which is to cause him pain and so edward starts writhing on the ground in pain until Bella projects that shield out, protecting Edward and every single person around her. Impressive. Very impressive. Edward stands up. He's fine. He stands next to Bella. Jane's confused as she looks to Emmett, tries to cause him pain. Nope. Jasper. Nope. It goes down the

line, tries to cause everybody pain and it's not working. She sees that Bella has a shield. Bella makes this like fucking look at her like, yeah, got you it's also funny because jane says pain when she does it but it's clear that she doesn't have to because she's trying it a bunch of times she's able to do it without so she just kind of says pain the first time for dramatic effect uh-huh she's it's a choice she's like a pokemon yeah and that's her that's dakota fanning's only line in the movie is pain. Really? That's it? One word. Yep. One word. But she makes the most of it.

She does. She's great. Then Aro says like, okay, you're right. There was no law broken. But how do we know that this child isn't still going to be a threat? He says, spare ourselves a fight today only to die tomorrow so we're like oh no they still want to fucking fight all the other full turkey like smiling like yeah yeah yeah we get to do we get to do we really want to do it just then from the woods alice and jasper emerge and they can move at lightning speed but they instead choose to walk very slowly across the entire battlefield, walk up to Aro and Alice says,

I have evidence that the child will not be a threat to us. And he sees Alice and he's like, oh, Alice is here. I'm so excited. I want her here. They hold Jasper back. For some reason, some goons are holding onto him and they just slap him in the face for no reason. They slap him across the face.

They do slap him really quick. It is funny. Just a little slap. It's not even a big slap. It's not that big of a slap. It's unclear why it happens because I feel like he wasn't really doing anything. He wasn't fighting them. He didn't say anything, obviously. He did not. No, his lines are over. He's got no more lines.

But Aro takes Alice's hand and sees the future. They have a little moment. And Alice pulls her hand back, steps away. And she says, you don't care. Doesn't matter what I show you. It doesn't matter what I show you. You're going to fight us anyway.

And she turns around to Bella. And she goes, no. She mouths. And Bella turns. Renesmee is on Jacob's back. Jacob as a wolf. She's riding And Bella turns. Renesmee is on Jacob's back. Jacob as a wolf. She's riding on his back.

And Bella turns to Jacob and says, take care of my daughter. And Jacob and Renesmee run off into the woods. She doesn't say bye to Renesmee. No, she just says, take care of my daughter. Your wife. Take care of your wife. And the Volturi then grab Alice.

Alice kicks Aro. He flies through. She, like, kicks him from underneath his jaw. He flies into the air. She loves doing that little, yeah, like, Matrix-y kick. I'm so curious what martial art these vampires specialize in, because there is a really distinct fighting style that's based on spinny kicks like this, clotheslining people.

Yeah, a lot of clotheslining. Rotating in the air. Dude, acrobatics, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, they're working with different physics, you know? Yep. True. So yeah, Alice kicks R in the head.

He goes flying, but he lands. He's fine. So then some goons grab Alice. Carlisle then runs up to defend alice let her go he and aro run jump into the air they grab each other there's some sort of fighting happening in the air we see arrow aro arrow i think i'm just changing every time i say it land carlisle we see carlisle's body go skid across the snow in the other direction and we pan down from Aro's face to his hand where he is holding Carlisle's decapitated head. I gasped.

Yeah. And at this moment, I was like, oh, shit, it's on. Joel gasped. I have seen this before, so I knew this was coming. This is the point in the theater that it got really fun. People were absolutely losing their shit, screaming, like crying. It was unbelievable.

It was so funny. I mean, it's very, really shocking. And Aro just has this cheeky little smile, like hee hee hee hee. He's so happy. I mean, this is our father figure. Yeah, dead immediately. Yep yep it's on no one's safe no one's safe no one is safe and this and so yeah the battle fucking begins we now we are

all bets are off it is going this is going to be a really difficult battle sequence to try to describe because it's it's like 10 full minutes it goes on on for so long. It is pure chaos. But the big things that happen, okay, and cut in if I don't get it right. We are fighting. We're clotheslining people. We are running through the snow. We are punching.

We are grabbing heads. Bella's in the mix. She's fighting. She's trying to shield everyone she can. So she sees Jane lock eyes onto Jasper. She shields Jasper. Jane notices this is happening jane gets her brother alec to target bella so that bella gets distracted she stops shielding jasper so now bella's in a

fight with alec jane creates pain for jasper who falls to his knees allowing another vulture to grab jasper pop his head off jasper is dead i I was like, they're all dying. They're all dying. Oh, fuck. Alice sees this. She fucking loses it. She goes after Alec, fucking pops his head off. Fuck him. He's dead. Then, oh my God, we're fighting. We see Seth as a wolf, sweet little baby Seth fighting. Jane locks eyes on him. Jane makes him feel pain. We see this big, sweet wolf writhing in pain. And another Vultura comes up behind him, grabs him, snaps his neck. Seth is dead. That's really sad.

Yeah. Seth is dead on the ground with his tongue lolling out of his mouth. A big dead dog. So sad. Though I will say I had no idea which one of them it was. I think that was Seth. I think you're right.

Pretty sure that was Seth. i think you're right pretty true that was but i could have used someone going sad yeah that would have been helpful we could have used that we could have used that i would have done that had i been there with you we see one of the other wolves see this who i think is leah yeah leah sees this again as a wolf she's very sad howls howls and sadness you hate to see a sad dog cut to jacob is running through the woods with renez me on his back vampires coming after them he manages somehow to lunge at this vampire fight him off roll around in the snow pull this vulture's head off renez me stays in his back the whole time. I was wondering how Runezme

was not injured, and I guess maybe because she's half vampire, I guess, so she's probably strong. That's true. That's probably true. He also was like, I think telepathically could tell that Seth had died, so he got some extra anger strength.

Yes, because they can read what's going on with the whole pack. Yeah. Back at the battlefield, I mean, it is absolute madness. We're seeing vampires die left and right. When Malik sees this, he can control the elements, so he punches down into the ground,

creates a huge crack in the ice, a huge chasm that goes down from where they are to the core of the earth. There's lava down there. There's lava down there. There's fucking lava. There's lava.

Honestly, like pretty close. Like it's not, it doesn't look that far away. It doesn't look, it's like less than 50 feet. Yeah. So there's just a big cavern now with lava.

So now hot lava pit. Vampires are getting thrown into this lava pit. Leah, we see a Volturi is clinging onto Renesmee's back, trying to drag her down into the pit. Sorry, Esme, yes. Leah sees this, jumps to get that Volturi off, and then Leah falls into the lava pit. So now Leah's dead.

That one's sad too. And her and Esme make eye contact while she's falling. They make eye contact as she falls into a lava pit. Yeah, it's really sad. Alice, finally, she goes over.

She fucking gets Jane. She grabs her and what she does, she doesn't even kill her herself. She throws her over to Sam and Sam rips her fucking head off. He walks over to her with a Volturi and some other vulturies like hand in his mouth throws that over grabs jane's head pulls it off jane's dead great

pp's sisters come up to caius the one who said art of us and they grab him that together they and lee pace grab him pp's sister puts her hands in his mouth, rips his jaw open, and pulls the top of his head off from his jaw. Love it. It's cool. He's dead. The old Volturi,

this is his only line in the movie, and it is the best line in the movie. It's so good. He sees vampires coming for him. He puts his hands out. The Russians, that's right, who are so excited to be able to kill some Volturi. He puts his hands out and he goes, that's right who are so excited to be able to kill saviltry he puts his hands out and he goes finally and then they pull his arms off pull his head off

and kills him so it's a happy ending for him he was very ready to die aro finally joins the battle at this point he's like fuck he's seeing this happen he sees caius die he sees jane die he sees uh marcus die so he runs at bella and ed Edward. Bella and Edward, we see a close-up on their two hands, their two wedding rings. They grab hands together. As a married couple, they are stronger than anyone else on that battlefield. They have some telepathic understanding that Edward is going to use Bella's body as a weapon. He picks her up. He throws her at Aro. He picks her up. He throws her at Aro.

She knocks him down. Then she gets up on his shoulders, sort of like Rebecca Ferguson in Mission Impossible. But he's also got Edward, and he's like... Yeah, he's got Edward, and he's trying to crush Edward's head. He's trying to pull it off. It's a head-pulling contest. It's true, it's true. Bella's on Aro's shoulders, so trying to pull his head off.

She has got Aro's head. Edward manages to get away, kicks Aro in the stomach, knocking him down. Then he jumps on Aro's back, breaks his back, and then Bella finally manages to pull Aro's head off,

throws it in front of them. We see Aro's head roll. We see Bella come up to it with a big torch going up to his eyes about to light him on fire zooming in on his eyes then we pull back out from his eyes we're still on the battlefield guess what

I want to just applaud you Emily that was beautifully done that was a lot to cover and you got it all thank you pull back we realize that all of this was still Alice showing Aro the future. They're still holding hands.

They're still holding hands. She says, that's your future unless you choose another course. Truly incredible. And if I'm not mistaken, I heard that in the book, there is no battle at all. Like, it's just she shows him and that's it. So this was a change for the movies, which is why people were like absolutely fucking losing their minds in the theaters because this was not in the book. So even like huge fans of the books were completely caught off guard. Yes. Wow, that's really cool. I think that's a really really legendary fake out really

great yeah i loved it yeah and it's also like it's incredible like you have to have this epic battle like that's amazing and i guess they had the only way to put it in was to be like i guess let's just show what would have happened yep it's having your cake and eating it too again this movie should have a 100 on rotten tomatoesten Tomatoes for this choice alone. But I did realize what is funny is that Pee Pee does die because that happened before. That really does happen. And I feel like we get a shot of Marcus like looking so sad. He's still alive.

I know, I thought of that too. But he's like, oh man, I was really ready for that. I guess you could just ask those other guys to kill him and they would. But Aro says, well, we still don't know. Or I think what Cassius or one of the other ones, Caius is like, but what about the child? They really still want to fight. And Alice is like, I have proof that the child will not be a threat to us.

And then two Brazilians. The answers. The answers are in Brazil. Again, walk walk so they've just been waiting in the wings like for their moment two brazilian vampires come up from the woods they walk up to them it is a young man probably about 20 and a hot hot lady probably about 30 and they walk up and alice says i found them among the takuna of brazil he's half vampire and half human he says i am like the child half mortal half immortal this is my aunt who i changed into a vampire and bella says how old are you she's so fucking excited how old are you and he says i'm 150 i became full grown when i had been alive for

about seven mortal years so also hey jacob you only have to wait seven years for your wife she's gonna be a grown-ass woman in seven years and you can get married oh hell yeah awesome stuff also she'll stay 20 years old forever too she'll stay 20 years old forever, too. She'll stay 20 years old forever, and she'll get there in seven years. And so everything's fucking great. What's the werewolf aging process? They die eventually, but I think it's very, very slow. Okay. I think they live like a couple hundred years.

So she will still probably outlive him. We've been talking about Bella being the perfect woman, but Renesmee is really the perfect woman. Full grown. She was born perfect because she was born married she's born married perfect never sullied never sullied a moment in her life yep born this way no personality never sullied that's exactly what you want out of a woman no growth needed because she was already she came out perfect yep yep and so yeah aro's like okay great that sounds

good to me this guy seems like a vampire, so she's going to be a vampire. We're all good. And at this point, Joel says, Aro's a pretty good guy. He's great. He did. You know, he took the information and made the right decision. Yeah, he did. He did.

The other Volturi are upset about it, but they got to listen to Aro, and that just is what it is. Yeah, there's a moment where Chaos says something like, but still must do this and aro just turns back to him and like shakes his head like trust me dude no no let's not and this is where i like saw a little bit of hope for another movie because aro turns back and he you know everyone's all happy and he looks and he sees he looks at renez me and he looks at Bella and he just goes like, remarkable. And then walks away. And I'm like, ooh, is there more? Magnifico.

Magnifico. And so, yeah, the Volturi, they... Oh, never mind. Sorry. I was just thinking about the lava pit. The lava pit isn't actually there. But there is lava underneath the ground. Just right there. Just be careful. Because the lava, it goes snow, rock, lava all within 50 feet. And so the Volturi walk away.

Everybody is happy and celebrating. They zoom away at normal vampire speed. No, they go so fast. And we just see all the different little pairings. Joel says they're all kissing. Everyone kisses and hugs. We're just all kissing. Everybody's happy.

Everybody's kissing. We're just kissing. Can Everybody's happy. Just kissing. Imagine staying in a crowd of like 40 people and everybody's making out. How weird that would be. It's a romance. God, it's funny. Lee Pace and Electric Girl are a couple,

but her sister gets folded into them. So Lee gets two ladies. He's like holding both of them. Yeah, baby. Yeah, because they are sad that their sister, they did watch their sister die. That part didn't happen. That's like holding both of them. Yeah, baby. Yeah, because they are sad that their sister, they did watch their sister die. That part did happen.

That was real. That was real. Back at the Cullens, you know, we're saying, we're saying goodbye to the other vampires. They're going back to their lives. Everybody's all happy.

Bella's in a t-shirt. She's in a t-shirt now and she's wearing less makeup than she was wearing before. She's more like herself. And Jacob and Edward are standing together they're watching renez may say bye to some other vampires both looking at her lovingly as as two fathers

jacob in his flannel shirt jacob in his flannel shirt and edward says to jacob he says i'm glad she has you and jacob says should i start calling you dad? Which is horrifying. Edward says no. And then Bella walks up to them, hugs her family. And Renesmee puts her hand on her cheek. And Bella says, yeah, we are going to. We are. She reads her thoughts.

We are going to be. We're all going to be together now. Alice looks on. She has a vision of the future of renezme 20 years old the perfect age to be a bride mother and she sees that renezme with jacob and bella and edward coming up and saying hi to them and hugging them and his smiles and edward can read her thoughts so he's you know sees that and he smiles and everyone's happy and everything's great. Fade to black. Come back up. Bella and Edward are in their beautiful field, the field

that they love to be in. They're sitting in the flowers. And she says, I want to show you something. And we see Bella lower her shield and we do a montage she shows edward all of her memories of all the times that she fell in love with him because he wasn't wasn't hasn't been able to read her thoughts until now and it's honestly really beautiful yeah and it made me tear up babe i edited you a montage it's very sweet and they also just look like so young you really just see the passage of time it's very beautiful so she shows all of that to him and she says so you see no one's ever

loved anyone as much as I love you and he says with one exception no mention of Renesmee their daughter no who cares she's somebody else's problem and they make out and pan out and then we have a closing montage final credit sequence of every single person who's ever been in any of the movies and this made me really emotional it's like what song is playing memoriam i have died every day waiting for you. Darling, I have loved you for a thousand years.

I love you for a thousand more. Which was written for the movies because they all are. And it ends, of course, the montage ends with, you know, Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen, Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan. They're just such movie stars. It's really special and I absolutely

loved it. No, no, it's a perfect film. Same. It's Dune 2. Breaking Down Part 2. It's Challengers. Joel did say, the first time we watched it, in the montage where Bella shows she made Edward a montage. Joel said, they really love each other. They do.

And they do. Yeah. You put that montage together. It's like really moving because it like really made me at least really consider just how bought in I was across all of these movies, how much I believed the two of them and their performances, how remarkable an achievement their work is across these batshit fucking insane movies, but that they all were grounded in- They sell the love story.

They do. Yeah. They were the linchpin of all of it and they worked despite all of this well they're also they're actually good actors they're remarkable yeah and they never sell no matter how absurd these movies get they never sell it short which is really impressive yes and it's what people made fun of them for a lot, I think, or like parodying these things. But then you are hit by the full force of them in this closing montage.

And you're like, holy shit, they did something truly incredible. Yeah. I think it's why their careers have set the test of time too, because they go for it. Yeah.

But not Taylor Lautner's. No. I also think that their careers have been the way that they've been because they're also trying to make up for it i think that's true i think they are like specifically made extremely different choices after this they got their fill of they got something to prove yeah yeah and lautner didn't have anything to prove after this. He left it all on the floor. Yeah, he did. He did. He did what he needed to do there. And he needed to go marry someone named Taylor

and make her Taylor Lautner. And he's doing everything he needs to be doing. We love that for him. I love him. Okay, we need to all say our final rankings of all five films. Oh my God, it's so hard. I'll go first because I thought about it.

My number one is still New Moon. I love it so much. I remain Team Jacob even after all these years. Devastating. Brutal. I love him. I love him a lot. Number two is, this is actually the hardest one.

The biggest change in my list is that breaking dawn part one surprised me and yeah it's kind of neck and neck with breaking dawn part two so they're my they're my two and three i think breaking dawn part two is going to be my number two just because it's one that i feel like i'm more often in the mood to watch i guess i watch this fight scene every once in a while. I'll throw this on. Really love it. And then Breaking Dawn Part 1, but they're really close. So Breaking Dawn Part 1 overtook Twilight, the original, for me.

That used to be higher. So that's number four. And Eclipse, number five. Oh, God, it's so hard because when you put it in the context of like, what do I want to watch again and again? God damn it. I don't know. Because I love a lot of what happens in Eclipse.

God, I love that. Training the werewolves to fight like vampires. Basically that through the end of the movie is so fucking funny to me. I love it so much god damn it but i also love the like motorcycle sequence of new moon it's really good i wish we could go by discs like how joel does lord of the rings movies because if i could do it by halves it's helpful but honestly i do still think the first one is my is still my favorite there's

something really magical about the first one. And you have the baseball sequence. But it's really just the first half of the first one. I don't think I can answer the question. I simply don't think I can answer it. All right. It's so hard. I'll try.

Okay. I'll go Breaking Dawn Part 2. Obviously my favorite because it's also my favorite film. That's everything. Breaking Dawn Part 2. then Twilight, the original, then New Moon, then Breaking Dawn part one, which you'll be surprised isn't my least favorite. Part of me is also tempted to even put it even higher. I definitely do not want to watch it over

and over again, but it's the one that's made me think the hardest. Stuck with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It imprinted on you, shall we say. Unfortunately, it did do that. Yes. And I do not like the implications of that, but it is imprinted on me. And then I think Eclipse, I don't know, Eclipse, like I can like barely even remember what happened in Eclipse. Yeah. Like Eclipse just like is kind of, I just don't remember Eclipse. It's very in the middle. Yeah.

Doesn't mean anything to me. So I think that's it. I think those are my rankings. That's a great list. Yeah. I think my rankings are also influenced by the presence of the Volturi. And I don't think they're really in Eclipse as much and they're not in Twilight at all.

That's a very, you make a very good point because I love the Volturi. I think my list is number one by Miles and Miles and Miles is Breaking Dawn Part 1.

I am obsessed with that movie. I. I am obsessed with that movie. I am absolutely fucking obsessed with that movie. Yep. I cannot stop thinking about it. It is like, I mean, come on. And then I think number two is probably New Moon. I think three is Twilight. I think four is Breaking Dawn Part Two.

And five is Eclipse. Wow. Yeah, yeah eclipse just didn't do it for me i gotta say despite the crazy head removal stuff oh yeah yeah that part's fun i you know honestly i will say like in many ways i'm like eclipse is my favorite but then when i think eclipse is my favorite in theory the idea of eclipse i truly love but there's four other great movies to consider and so this is where it gets really tough because now i actually think my ranking which is completely different joel than what i even said to you last night or Thursday night Thursday night was we weren't ready for what we experienced but with fresh eyes after this morning's viewing and discussion

I think I go Twilight the original then Breaking Dawn part 2 then I it's a real she can't do it you guys it can't do it she can't do it it's like asking her to choose her favorite children she can't do it i can't do it i really thought i was i like you

saw me i froze i froze i thought i was gonna be able to keep going and i my brain was going like four three two two three four three four two three two one like i was like wrote it just was like i my my wheels were spinning but what do i was like wrote it just was like i my my wheels were spinning but what do i want to watch it's probably because i've watched the least recently of the ones i just listed it's like i do honestly want to re-watch new moon again so like does that have to come it might it might i might have to put eclipse at the bottom which is crazy because in other ways it's at the top. So really? It just makes you think. This whole thing makes you think.

A list is meaningless because there's so many variables to consider. A list is meaningless. I cannot make a list. It depends on the day. Because it does go 1, 5, 2, 4, 3, but it also goes 3, 5, 1, 2, 4. I just can't. I can can't don't make me choose because i i think my head will explode if i have infinite combinations that you're infinite combinations fair enough oh my god what a special special thing oh i'm so sad oh i'm so sad. The time has come. Oh, it's... Should we watch Vampire Diaries now?

Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Should we? Maybe, yeah. Should we? Gonna need something. It's just as good. I need a breather because I think if I go right into it, I'll be like, where's Edward?

Do you know what I mean? It's gonna be tough for me to go right into it. I did look up and want to remind us because this one i couldn't find that much information about but i had said it in a previous episode and forgotten about it but robert pattinson is theoretically going to be playing dracula in a chloe zhao movie amazing i googled it and i couldn't i've like have not heard literally anything else about this and so it might not actually be happening but interesting i couldn't find anything that was like project canceled actually it's all like maybe it is in the works but just

not actually happening yet and then kristen stewart lest we forget is going to be in a vampire movie directed by panos kosmatos with oscar isaac that's right that we're also very excited for so we will hopefully get both both of them as vampires again in the future oh my god i'm really surprised that like in a hollywood that is so obsessed with proven ip that there haven't been spinoffs from these movies yeah prequels and stuff maybe because they're just so demented there is apparently an animated series coming in 2026 i looked this up too because yeah i had of twilight yes lion's gate is shopping

it around now so i'm very curious what that would be like i mean i'll be tuning in well also yeah hard to do future because then you would have to see Jacob and Renesmee in a romantic relationship which they kind of get away with not having to actually admit to in these films that actress is 24 now, doesn't that seem

crazy? or old so anyways it's fine now it would be fine now for them to be married actually so not a big deal they should do a sequel series So anyways, it's fine now. It would be fine now for them to be married, actually. Oh. Not a big job. They should do a sequel series where it's Jacob and literally Eddie Marzen

playing Renesmee as his current self. In Jacob's wig from the first movie. Oh, no, no. Not that wig. See, how can you discount Twilight and New Moon because you have that wig? God, it's good. Where you been, loca? Paula, where the hell have you been, loca?

It's really good. It's really good. Loca, me, a non-Spanish speaking person who lives in the woods of Washington State, where the hell have you been, loca? And he never says that to her ever again or anything like it. No, never says anything like it. Never says anything like it. God, what a journey. There's just... I'm like emotional right now. I kind of want to cry. I feel so grateful. Don't be sad that it's over. Be happy that it happened. Yeah. We can watch these movies over and over to the end of time.

We can. They're not going anywhere. Joel, thank you so much for being on this journey with us. Thank you so much for having me. I wouldn't have watched these movies if it weren't for this. And your life is better for it. It really is. It really is. Same. Yeah.

Yeah. It opened up a whole new world to me that I just was blind to before. Yeah. Gorgeous stuff. Gorgeous, gorgeous stuff. I'm really sad. We're going to make it. We're going to make it through. It's going to be okay. I feel like we will, in the future, be able to go to the 20th anniversary screenings of these movies in theaters.

Oh my God, we'll have so much fun. Oh, that'll be great. We'll have so much fun. Oh, that'll be great. We'll have so much fun. That'll be something to look forward to. And Hellchella, obviously. And Hellchella.

Joel, see you at Hellchella. I'll be seeing you at Hellchella folks. Oh man. All right. Well, I'm going to sing this song while you say goodbye. And then I'll growl like a werewolf.

Okay. I'm going to do it in a Russian accent. We do not care what you did, Carlisle. From all of us here at Too Scary Didn't Watch. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oppa. Oppa. Oppa.

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