Too Scary; Didn't Watch - ORPHAN: FIRST KILL (LIVE!) with Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

Art therapy in an Estonian Psychiatric Facility, fencing in a Connecticut private school, van-art, a friendly rat and a twist we DID NOT see coming, we're recapping Julia Stiles' perfect film ORPHAN: FIRST KILL with newly crowned horrorspondent Paul F. Tompkins!! This episode is edited from a live, online show Tickets to the live show are available until October 31st here. TRAILER Recap starts @ 9:28 Follow the show: @TSDWpodcast on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram. Check out our Patreon for bonus episodes and additional content! Rate Too Scary; Didn’t Watch 5 Stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Emily, Henley, and Sammy. Advertise on Too Scary; Didn't Watch via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is Emily, Henley, and Sammy, and you're listening to Too Scary, Didn't Watch. Oh my god. Oh my gosh. Oh my god. Oh my gosh. Oh my god. Sammy, you delivered. Okay, wow. Hi everyone.

It's wild knowing that people are here, but I'm still in my house, so I don't know how to talk to you. But hello. Welcome to Too Scared I Didn't know how to talk to you, but hello. Welcome to Too Scary Didn't Watch live recap online show. It's Halloween. I am Emily and I am too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Henley and I'm also too scared to watch scary movies. And I'm Sammy and I love watching scary movies, so I watch them so that you don't have to. And wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. We are all looking absolutely incredible tonight.

Gorgeous. This is really something. This is really something. We got to say that just before this, all the lights went out where Henley is. Okay. So something spooky is happening right this very moment. It's so spooky. All right.

I was nervous about doing this from my house because my internet goes out all the time. So I came to my place of work. But I have to say that like I had a real like existential crisis and I was like taking my pants off in my office to like get into a full goat costume. I was like literally like getting undressed in an empty office building on a Saturday night like putting this full adult male goat costume on just being like how did I get here what's happening absolutely incredible but you guys look you guys look beautiful you look stunning thank you so much thank you so much thank you so much we will you so much. Thank you so much. We will. We obviously we're going to have to talk about these Halloween costumes. But first, thank you all for being here.

And let's tell you what freaking movie you're here to hear about. OK, Orphan First Kill. Hill. It was released on August 19th, 2022, directed by William Brent Bell, written by David Coghsall, story by David Leslie Johnson-McGoldrick, and Alex Mace based on characters by Alex Mace, starring Isabel Fuhrman, Receif Sutherland, Hiro Kanagawa, Matthew Finlan, and Julia Stiles. And ooh, yeah, we are gonna talk about it. This week's episode was recorded from our live online show through Moment House this past weekend. And if you would like the video version as well as the full episode, you can head to moment.co slash TSDW where that video is going to be available for another few days until Halloween, October 31st. So don't freaking spook yourself by missing out on that.

Head to M-O-M-E-N-T dot C-O slash T-S-D-W for the full episode. Otherwise, stick around here to hear our recap of Orphan First Kill with Paul F. Tompkins. Wow. OK, it's probably about time we talk about this movie. Let's do it. Let's do it. I'll just come out and say I watched it

she's so brave wow it was me I did make Joel watch it with me and he didn't want to but I was like you simply have to and oh my god I'm so excited that you wanted to do this movie Paul oh my god does that

mean Henley you have not seen this movie, Paul. Oh my God. Does that mean... Henley, you have not seen this, of course. No, I have not seen it. No, and I cannot wait to hear about it. It's going to be a great time. Let me tell you something. This is a fun movie. I'm so excited. The first one was crazy. I feel like they had a lot to live up to.

Just you wait. Absolutely. I feel like they were self-aware and I trust that they'll deliver. You're not making an orphan prequel if you don't have a similarly insane idea. Absolutely. Oh boy, I can't wait. But first, Hen, you've got

some trivia for us. I've got some trivia for us. So the budget was $10 million. It's made of 37. What? Instead of... Something else million. It's made of 37. What? Instead of something else. And it's made 37 at the box office. 37 million

to clarify. Dollars? Wait, did it go in theaters? It did, I guess. I think it was one of those theaters and streaming. I don't know. cost 10 million it made $37

I bet that's happened before million million dollars it's on Paramount Plus too though right that's like yes it came out on Paramount Plus okay sorry continue Henley I'm sorry. Oh, and so, okay. So the rating 73% on Rotten Tomatoes,

54% on Metacritic, 5.9 on IMDb. Which I think the original I checked has like 59 on Rotten Tomatoes. So this one got higher ratings. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's just math. That's just math. That's just math.

A couple other things so it was filmed in november and december of 2020 and um in this year the main actress was 23 years old which makes her a little bit closer to the real age of lena no spoilers but um when she appeared in the first film she was only. It's kind of crazy to do it. It's so crazy. So such different ages. It's so wild to cast a child in a role that is a child pretending to be an adult, then wait 13 years and then cast the adult to play the adult playing the child. It's like very, very bizarre.

But I wonder, like, were they waiting or? I was just thinking Richard Linklater. I was like, don't say that because you're wrong. That's not the name. Let's wait 13 years till she gets older to see the prequel. We're going to want to hold off. 13 years. Okay, two more things.

to hold off. We're going to hold off. Okay. Two more. Two more things. One of this film's goals as a prequel was to cover up a much criticized plot hole in the first film, which was how did Esther get from Estonia to an American orphanage without having been dropped off by anybody? Which.

That's so funny. I didn't even think about that. Not at all. Never crossed my mind. Well, let me tell you, their answer to it is they don't. It's sort of just like. They don't really actually go into it. Okay.

Well. I mean, they go into it is, they don't, it's sort of just like, They don't really actually go into it? Okay, well. I mean, they go into it, but it isn't reasonable. Also, if they were worried about plot holes, they're going to have to make another movie. There are a lot, and there's some others. God, I hope they keep doing that, intentionally leaving plot holes so they can make another movie. We heard you guys. A daisy chain of answers. And the studio's like, well, I guess we don't have a choice.

There is a plot hole. There's questions that people want answers to. Yeah. Okay, last one. According to the director, they didn't use a lot of digital effects to de-age Furman. Instead, they used mostly makeup, forced perspective, and body doubles. She also wore contacts that made her pupils and irises look bigger, which helped her face look more childlike. This part doesn't make any sense to me.

They had some of the other actors wear giant sparkly platform boots also to make her look younger as well. How would sparkly boots help that? This sparkly is really a funny detail. It doesn't make her look younger. It makes them look taller. Yeah, but they're sparkly. That detail seems so unnecessary. I looked it up because I was like, that's

stupid. Whenever they say that in movies, I'm like, why didn't they just have them stand on Apple boxes? It's like, why do they have to wear shoes? And I looked it up and there are pictures and videos of Julia Stiles on the actual plane, her brother, wearing big, very gothy, like

thick, hot topic, fucking black platform boots. Wow. Okay. So they would be taller. Not sparkly then. Some were sparkly. Okay. It's just really interesting detail to throw in.

I know. And some of them were sparkling. Okay, good. I just want to make sure. I'm going to show you. I guess it was like, why not have fun with it? Take it from day to night. You have to go somewhere

after shooting. Yeah, you gotta take it from day to night. But I guess boots because they have, there's scenes with them walking together and stuff. It is impressive. It's weird. I did think she looked mostly like her actual age. I didn't think her face super looked like a nine year old, but also it's maybe i i did think she looked mostly like her actual eight like i didn't think her face

super looked like a nine-year-old but also it's maybe because i know she it just looked like her to me but i also did not care i think it would have been weirder probably more of a strange experience if they'd like cgi'd her face unless they didn't do that that would have been that would have been distracting yeah yeah yeah yeah and i'm glad they did not recast it i'm glad it was yeah yeah she's great she's great man oh i'm excited well how do we feel are we ready to talk about this freaking movie does everybody feel i'm really really excited to hear about it i'm really excited oh my god it's gonna be fun okay paul take it away i'm here i'm here if you need me thrilled to be talking about this movie me too let's do it

all right here we go i mean we start off with a bang we see the word orphan sort of it looks kind of like chiseled on something but then a black light goes over it and written underneath the whole time was orphan first. We remember that black light. That's where she drew her sexy drawings of her adopted father. I forgot about the sexy drawings. Oh, you ain't going to forget about them. Oh, no, you will not. We cut to a snowy landscape as seen from above.

There's a lone car driving along a highway. Where are we? We're Estonia, 2007. Car pulls up to a building and a sign tells us this is the famed Sarn Institute. Woman gets out of the car.

We see she's being watched from an upstairs window by perhaps a little girl. We see her from the back. Guys, I'm not going to lie. This is the orphan. She's already here. Lady's out of her car. She presses the buzzer.

She says she's Anna. She is the art therapy instructor. They let her in. She is gently, but rudely, frisked. They're like, arms up. Let's see what you got. You know, whatever. And don't worry, there is a lobotomized-looking female

invade who is mopping the floor in the foyer. Okay, good. In case you were scared, there wasn't going to be one of those. The setting is set. Absolutely, she's there. The setting is set. This is the Sarn Institute. Yeah, if she wasn't there, I wouldn't be buying it.

Take me right out of it. So the boss of the Sarn Institute comes up. He greets Anna. We find out that anna lives far away but she thinks it's worth it to drive all the way out here because she's always wanted to use art to help people right that's nice the sarn boss hands her a thick binder of security procedures as they walk along the hallway he says you better get to know this stuff backwards and forwards another doctor comes up and says, Lena is not in her room.

They hit a button on the wall. Sounds, lights, we're in red alert now. And literally the lights go red to black, red to black. It's like, how is that going to help you find her? Yeah, why are they flashing? Turn the lights off! Why would the lights go red?

Turn them off! Make it harder to see in here! Maybe that will confuse Lena. So they're checking all the security cams. The mop lady notices the alarm's going off. She gets a huge smile on her face. Anna says, who's Lena? Sarnbaugh says, she is our most dangerous patient.

Do not leave this room. You'll be safe here. Okay. He he leaves locks the door and is in this dark room by herself just the red lights going on and off but wait she's not alone because the camera moves and with the lights flashing red we see someone behind her at a table guys i'm not gonna lie it's the Also, imagine being like our most dangerous patient escape. We don't know where she is, but go to this room that we didn't check. And we're going to lock you in it.

We don't know where she is. She couldn't be in here. We're standing right here in front of the room. So Anna sees her and asks, do your mom and dad work here? And no response. She notices that a little girl is drawing and she says, can I see? Orphan turns a drawing pad around and it's a pretty decent line drawing of Anna and Anna is impressed.

And she says, Anna, I'm Anna. What's your name? And Orphan gets up and she grips her pencil very tightly. We get a closeup of that. And it's like the Arthur fist from the famous meme. Orphan says, my name is Lena, and this is definitely registered with Anna. Okay. Who is now,

she's at, now she's trying not to sound freaked out. She's trying to be normal and says, uh, you didn't, uh, you didn't answer me before. Do your parents work here? And I gotta say, I would've would have i mean considering the pressure that she's under that's not bad right to just go back to where she was orphan says why

would you think that like it's the dumbest question in the world and she briefly shifts her pencil hold into kill grip then the light suddenly returned to normal the sarn boss and the staff walk in they tell lena put the pencil, put your hands up, drop the pencil. You don't know if she's going to do it. She does it. She drops the pencil. They take Orphan away. Poof. It's a big poof. Sarn boss and Anna

are now sitting at a table and Anna says, you didn't tell me she was a child. And Sarn boss says very evenly, not sarcastically at all, that's because she's not. And he explains that Orphan has a gland disorder which causes proportional dwarfism, which do we know if that's a real thing? Not sure. I have done no research, but it- Crickets from us, honestly.

It feels not true. A gland? It does feel not true. A gland disorder? A gland disorder. That makes her look... Yeah. It halted her growth

at age 10, but she's actually 31 years old. Okay. Now, while he's talking, we cut back and forth. We see Orphan in her cell. She's looking in the mirror

and guess what? She likes what she sees. Orphan is feeling herself today. The Sarnobos explains that when Orphan first arrived, she struggled against her restraints so much

she would bleed severely and we see Orphan first arrived, she struggled against her restraints so much she would bleed severely. And we see Orphan looking at her famous neck scar and her famous wrist scars. Sarenbos says it's very important you do not see her as a child. We see Orphan put her nice cosmetic upper denture in to mask her 31-year-old chrome teeth. She's got nasty teeth. That's right. Just the tops. Just the top.

Just the top. When you get older,. That's right. Just the tops. Just the tops. Just the tops. When you get older, your top teeth tend to get fucked up and your bottom teeth. Your late 20s, early 30s. That's when the teeth go. Everybody knows it. That's when your top teeth start to turn. Sarnbaugh says Orphan is an exceptional con artist. Two years ago, she wormed her way into a family.

Normally, she would just steal what she could and leave. We see Orphan tying some string around a little leather book. Sarn Boss continues, but this time, well, and we see some pages in a file with crime scene photos. And Sarn Boss says, let's just say she lives here now. Little time passes we're in the art therapy room where orphan is painting an image of the holy mother i guess some saint as anna looks on there's like a an attendant standing right next right next to her watching her paint i don't know why the art therapy person is on the other side of the easel not looking at the art.

The mop lady is also at an easel for art therapy. They seem to be, by the way, the only two inmates at the Sarn Institute. And mop lady is just making red splotches on a white canvas. It's a little spooky. Orphan looks over his shoulder at mop lady

and says her name, E.T. And mop lady snaps to attention. Orphan holds up his shoulder at Mop Lady And says her name, E.T. And Mop Lady snaps to attention Orphan holds up what looks like a salt water taffy Emily, can you confirm that? Confirmed That's what it looks like Yum Yum

Yum, man Yum The most delicious snack in the world Salt water taffy My mouth is watering When Mop Lady sees that taffy She like, oh boy she loses it understandably she screams i'm following i'm following yeah this should have been like kool-aid this should have been

the commercial for saltwater if somebody sees it it loses their mind so mop lady screams bloody murder she charges at orphans canvas and starts punching it. And then she is restrained by a guard. Now I've rewound this a few times. She started, she attacks the canvas, right? She attacks the canvas.

Yeah. And there was a guard there and there was Anna. And so I'm, it's unclear to me why she attacked the canvas, but she did. Yes. She attacks it. It startles Anna quite a bit.

Oh yes. She is. So mop lady is being dragged away but she did. Yes, she attacks it. But it startles Anna quite a bit. Oh, yes. So Mop Lady's being dragged away as she is. Orphan throws her the salt water taffy. She eats it up on her way out. Anna is freaked out. She looks at Orphan. Orphan just shrugs and says, she does that. Oh my god.

Later, a security guard. Oh, thank you. Is Anna Julia Stiles just... later a perfect security guard oh thank you is anna julia styles just no okay okay we'll tell you just want to show you we'll tell you yeah all right oh yeah all right great i mean i would have been referring to her as julia in my notes so i'm picturing me too what are we talking? I don't care what her character name is. I don't even remember and I've watched this movie twice. Doesn't matter. So later

security guard at the Sarn is in the security office. He's looking at all the monitors. He sees Orphan is watching a Shirley Temple movie on her little Estonian TV. Very normal. In Orphan's cell. Very normal. What 31 year old doesn Cell. Very normal. What 30-year-old 31-year-old loves to tell

a child's behavior at all. So in Orphan's Cell, she hears a door slot creak open. Her door slot, you know, where they give her her meals and stuff. And a package lands on the floor, which looks like an Amazon package. Although I don't think in 2007 they had that, but it looks exactly like an Amazon box.

The guard peeks in the window and she says, hello, Dimitri, you're on time. She opens the package and it's a dress. She holds it up to herself. She twirls around and man, Dimitri is loving this. You can tell he's into this. Dimitri is loving this. You can tell he's into this. Dimitri is very horny for orphan. Oh man. Dimitri can't get enough.

This is his dream come true. Orphan walks up to the door and says that she can't tie her wrist ribbons by herself. And she, she puts the ribbons in the slot and then holds her wrists in there and he ties them up. And then she says, I want to do something nice for you.

And Dimitri walks into her cell, like looks around, sneaks in there. He stands against the wall. She drags a chair over to him so they can be level with each other. Now, it seems like she's going to kiss him. She's like stroking him and stuff. But instead, she grabs his hair and she smashes his head against the wall a bunch. Yep. And Dimitri's dead.

Yep, yep, yep, yep. There we go. There we go. There we go. Like the first, the first hit must've been so powerful that Demetri was like, I can do nothing. And so she just, she just caves his head in. Oh Jesus. He slumps to the floor.

There's a lot of blood. Um, she takes all the security cards and everything. She grabs her orphan go bag and she sneaks to the exit when she she's like going down these hallways and like she's dodging all these um people that might be seeing her she's like going hiding in little alcoves and stuff like that she finally gets to the main hallway and there is a guard there and he sees her and she's like what the fuck and she puts her hands up in the air and she just giggles mop Mop Lady is mopping, of course. And Orphan says,

E.T., you want some candy? And Mop Lady instantly attacks the guard. She uses his own nightstick to turn his head into chili. Wow. There is so much blood. She's like, she's hitting him again and again and again.

She's putting her back into it. Orphan walks out, tosses Edie the candy, and we see Anna is in her car outside in the snowy Estonia, and she looks

up, and through the windshield, she sees Orphan with her blood-spattered face, and Orphan just goes, gives her a little shush, big smile big smile shush and then she leaves yeah what do you do in that situation you do just like let her let her go right it's not i'm not like which is so stupid and i i couldn't believe she does this she gets out of her car and goes back into the sarn institute to be like i saw her escaped. And it's like, call them on the phone. We have phones in 2007.

Drive the fuck away. She gets out of her car. To be fair, maybe she watched her disappear. I don't know. And then she runs it, but she's back in the Sarn Institute. She goes back into the Sarn Institute like a lunatic. The boss is like, hey, I'm sorry about that.

Bad first day. That's not how we like to do things here. And Anna says, this is a sensible thing you don't hear in a lot of horror movies. Anna says, this job just isn't for me. So rational. She drives home. It's night by the time she gets back she gets out of the car puts a key in her door and she behind her her car trunk opens up she hears it it's like she turns around she goes and checks there's nothing there very clean trunk spotless i was jealous my

trunk is so it's there's so much shit in. I don't even know what's in there. I try to keep my car very neat. I don't have like empty wrappers, cups in there, anything like that. But, you know, I don't use the vacuum in there all the time. You know what I'm saying? So when I saw that truck. The rest of my car is pretty clean. You do keep a clean car.

But the trunk is where it all is. It's like. Exactly. Hers, not at all. She is. It's crisp back there. I was like, is this a rental? It's like, no not at all she is it's crisp back there i was like is this a rental it's like no she lives here yeah so then she goes back to she like kind of looks around and then she goes back to the front door she opens the door up uh she sees some little legs on the stairs and

guys i'm not gonna lie it's the orphan she's standing like camera zoom you know pans up she's right there she clonks anna with a tire iron which i guess she got from the trunk so there was one thing back there it's just all she had was a tire not ideal wow not even some old receipts so um then the orphan is wandering around an Anna's place Which is very nice by the way Our therapy instructor excuse me God How far away is Estonia Oh my god Joel went down a Fucking rabbit hole it was so weird

We were watching this movie and he starts He was like we should go to Estonia He started like looking up Estonia travel And rentals and was like there aren't that many places Honestly but he got like fixated On the idea of going to Estonia travel and rentals. I was like, there aren't that many places, honestly. But he got like fixated on the idea of going to Estonia while we watched this movie. I can't even picture what it does seem nice.

Is it affordable? It seems snowy. It's very affordable, but it's not really a vacation destination. You couldn't really follow. It seems very snowy, but the apartments are very nice. Yeah. Might be fun. I feel like vacation destinations are like too full of people these days.

So you got to start going to your Estonias, et cetera. It's in a cool place, but it's not really where people go. But he got really fixated on it. I think you guys should go. Let's all go. Maybe we'll go. Anyway. I mean, look, every goddamn person I know has been to Italy within the last two months.

Everyone's going to Italy. Everyone I know. It's true. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's so weird. Insane. So Estonia is wide open. Wide open. It's so weird. Insane. So Estonia is wide open. It's ours for the taking.

That's right. So Orphan is wandering around Anna's place. She's having a glass of wine. She's playing the piano with her bloody finger. We know she can really play the piano. She's so good at arts. We know that. Beautifully.

She loves the arts. She's so good at that. She loves the arts. She's cultured. Don't judge a book by its cover. First of all, she's 31. Don't judge a book by its cover. Just because you're a murderer

doesn't mean you can't play the piano. There's a lot of other stuff going on there. So she starts getting to work researching missing kids to see who she looks like. She finds one that's Esther Albright from Connecticut. Who's been missing since she was six years old.

And she would be 10 now. She holds up like a mirror. So she could see half her face next to half of little Esther's face. A great tactic. Great tactic. She smiles like this is going to work. So she gets into her orphan costume. And she gets ready to head out.

Guys, Anna is still alive in the stairwell. Oh, Anna. And Orphan shakes her head and she's like, oh, Anna, usually it takes only one. And she clonks Anna's head a few more times. She gets blood on her face again, which is like, you just got all cleaned up. You just changed! I feel like that's the one sloppy bit of business by the orphan. Yes!

So, then we cut to orphan on a swing in a playground all by herself. It's like the middle of the night. What? She's just swinging. A cop comes up to her and says, sweetheart, where are your parents? And she says, my parents are in America. My name is Esther. Now, we cut to america we are at a fencing match where a teen is fencing so

aggressively he breaks a sword off on a guy oh my god pretty cool and it this this is a rich ass looking play i mean we said fencing i mean it's fencing yes of course but it's like we you can feel the money in this room. So the aggressive teen is being cheered on by Julia Stiles. And what's his name? Sutherland, whom I call. His name is Alan. Rousif is his first name.

I call him Beard. Beard. Beard and Julia Stiles are cheering him on. He wins. This is their son. His name is Gunner. Crazy name. Crazy name. The only Gunner He wins. This is their son. His name is Gunner. Crazy name. Crazy name.

The only Gunner I've ever known is from Nelson. I feel like I'd know a Gunner or like someone that named their kid Gunner. Yeah. Everyone knows one Gunner. I'm sorry. It is a name. It's fitting for this. I feel like nowadays you'd be more likely to meet a Gunner than 2007.

In 2007? Yeah. Yeah. And it's spelled, at least because I had subtitles on when I was taking notes, G-U-N-N-A-R, Gunnar, which feels like aggressive.

Yeah. Gunnar. So afterwards, they're like, we're so proud of you, champ. What a great fencer you are. Let's go have lunch or dinner or whatever. And he goes,

I'm going to do my own thing. And he runs off. And this really bums Beard out. He's very sad. And Julia says, hey, don't retreat into your own feelings. I need you. I need your strength my own thing and he runs off and this really bums beard out um he's very sad and julia says hey don't retreat into your own feelings i need you i need your strength because esther is gone she isn't coming back i miss her too blah blah blah they look up things feel stilted in this family dynamic we can tell there's some trouble um and things have not been the same since esther's

disappearance they look up they see a police detective and a uniformed cop and beard goes up and talks to them while Julia Stiles looks on very concerned. We find out we hear like a little bit that Esther is still alive. She's in Moscow. We have an update about your daughter. Yes. Julia flies to Moscow. She is told they think a woman must have abducted her in Connecticut and brought her to Moscow and passed her off as her own kid, which I guess. That's as much explanation as we get.

So this is it. This is the plot hole. This is why they made the movie. Somebody took her to Russia. Hold on a second, Emily. There's more. There's possibly more. There is.

Here's the thing. This is one of those movies where you can't think about the things that would be happening in between the times in which the scenes take place. Because otherwise everything falls apart. It's tissue paper. The only things that exist are what we see. There are certain questions you cannot ask. So, uh, so the, the person who's, who's, uh, you know, escorting Julia Stiles to the, to the, to the room where, um, her daughter is being held. She says, be prepared for changes. Four years is a long time in the development of a child. Very convenient.

Yes. Julia Stiles goes into a room and orphan is sitting there at a piano. She's plunking out some random notes like she doesn't know how to play the piano. Kind of. Oh, my God. She loves doing this. She she loves pretending like she has no artistic talent. There are few things orphan loves more than pretending she doesn't know that she doesn't know shit about being. Oh, mommy, teach me how to play piano like I don't already know way better than you. Sounds like you're offended, Sammy. Sammy's the least favorite part of the film.

No, I like it. I'm not offended. She can kill everybody she wants. I hate that she's a phony. So Julia's style is like, hey, Esther, it's me, mommy. Orphan looks up. And then she stands up from the piano and looks at her for a little bit. And then she runs up and hugs her.

And they have this wonderful embrace. And then we see a close-up of Orphan. And she has a secret little smile on her face. Like, I am crushing it. So they're on the private plane home. And Julia Stiles is showing Orphan some family photos in her phone like look at this look at this and this is I

gotta say for we're talking 2007. This is like a year before iPhones this phone pretty good pictures in this phone. These people have money money money money. So she's like here's here's daddy. He's have money. Money, money, money. So she's like, here's daddy. He's so silly. Here's Gunner.

Here's mop mop. You remember mop mop? She says go back to daddy. She perks up with the daddy. Did you say daddy or zaddy? And so Orphan almost blows it when she says that she can't wait to see mop mop. And then Julia Stiles is like, Mop Mop is dead.

Remember? She passed away. And Orphan's like, oh, I need the restroom. And she goes to the bathroom. On her way, she swipes a little bottle of vodka. Then she locks herself in the bathroom. She downs the vodka. And then she melts down from making a mistake.

She's like banging her head against the wall. She's like kicking and screaming. And I related to this very hard. Honestly, yeah. I've got that feeling. We've been there. We've been there. Why did I say that?

She's going to be playing it in her head. In the past few years, I have hit a point where I only want to be wearing clothes that are comfortable. It happened. It happened to me. But you know what? I still only want to be wearing clothes that are comfortable. It happened. It happened to me. But you know what? I still also want to look cute. And these are two desires that are often extremely opposing. And I don't want to have to sacrifice. I want both. I want comfort and I want to feel cute and confident. And guess what? Skims has freaking done it again with their

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Mop, mop. God damn. She's going to lose sleep over it. So Orphan, they land in the USA. They're at the airport. Julia Stiles, as they're like, hey, we're going to see Daddy and Gunnar. And what's funny is they're as they're walking so you imagine julia styles is on her sparkly boots right yeah of course

orphan is kind of bobbing as if she's wearing different she's almost muppety in her movement like when they make like a dark crystal style muppet like the walking is really good but it's still a puppet but that's kind of how she's sort of like fluidly moving along. Like your feet like push you up as he steps. Exactly. So Julia's like, hey, let's

make you look more normal for everybody. Take off your beret. And she's like, oh, that's better. And then she goes to take off the neck ribbon and Orphan's like like grabs her wrist like you can tell like the strength is there right and julia styles it's like freezes and then she just goes uh okay and orphans like i'm sorry and julia styles like i'm sorry and that's the end of that okay so they meet beard and gun and Beard is overjoyed.

He can't believe he like he picks her up off her feet. He's hugging her. He says, I always knew. I always knew that you'd come back to us. This is all he's ever wanted. This is devastating. Yeah. This is really sad.

Yeah. Oh, it's literally a drama. Can't think about it too much. It's very deep. Yeah, I don't think about it. I don't think about it. Then he puts her back down and she looks up at Gunnar and she says, hey, hi Gunnar.

And he says, hey. Oh, what? And Jordan's style is like, give it a little more sauce than that. He's like, hi, Esther. It's great to see you. And he hugs her and everything. It's great to see you. It's weird to see you.

He's very much like, nice to see you, happy baby. It's so nice to see you. We've been gone for four years. We ran into each other on a street corner. So they take her home to the house. By the way, it seems like they drive home in absolute silence. There's a long shot of them. The four of them in the car. Gunner's

got his headphones and earbuds in and they drive home. Orphan gets out of the car sees this house and she is like a jackpot inside they have a dozen Fabergé eggs on the mantelpiece it's like

a huge stone mansion house with like it's the oldest house in Connecticut it is the size of five houses it's insane you don't know by now that they are rich, they show you the Fabergé eggs on the mail.

I get it. Touch them. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're rich. They're the funniest thing ever. Fabergé eggs. Yeah, that's even a thing. That's crazy. What do they call them in Riverdale? Glamourgé. Glamourgé. Are you fucking kidding me?

Wait, in what? In Riverdale? We could have a whole conversation about the Riverdale. Glamour J. Glamour J. Are you fucking kidding me? Wait, in what? In Riverdale? We could have a whole conversation about the Riverdale terminology. They lost me at Jingle Jangle. That's when I was like, I can never watch this show. That should have hooked you right in. That's where they got me.

Glamour J. American Excess. Sorry, I'm going down a rabbit hole now. I'm talking about the Riverdale. Oh Excess. Sorry, I'm going down a rabbit hole now. I'm talking about all the reverend. Oh my God. So the parents take Orphan to her room and they say, hey, whatever you want to do, whatever you've been missing since you've been away, we're going to make it happen for you.

And she says, I like to paint. And they say, great. She puts a record on, her little pink record player player and it's every little girl's fave. Jimmy Durante singing the glory of love. Which I only know this song came out and I was like, oh my God, it's the song that plays at the end of the parent trap with Lindsay Lohan when they fly to London and surprise the mom and the London twin to get the parents back together. And that song plays and they kiss each other.

So Esther has that for an excuse. From a Parent Trap. That's why I like it. Not from its original release. Emily, is it the same version? No. The version in the Parent Trap is like a slowed down. Okay.

Slowed down version. And it's sung by someone who can sing? Probably, yeah. Not a weird old man it is probably a weird old man but perhaps a weird old man who can sing great Barry Manilow um so Julia Stiles says tomorrow you're going to see the child psychologist remember she had the parrot named Sydneydney love that she's feeding her this info absolutely and she is orphans like of course of course i remember sydney also honestly i love that it's like she was already seeing a child psychologist the thing remember your therapist yeah excuse me i was in my 20s when I saw my first therapist. So the next the next day they go see Dr. Seeger, the therapist, orphan and Dr. Seeger alone in the in the office.

And doctor asked her some questions, says, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. And orphan says, oh, I wish my parents were like you. They're asking me questions all the time. And the doctor says, oh, really? And then Orphan changes the subject abruptly. She sees the parrot in the cage. She goes, hello, Sidney. Do you remember me? And the doctor looks concerned.

I went to play with you, Sidney. I remember you. The doctor looks concerned, sends Orphan to the waiting room and calls in Julia Stiles for a private convo. There's a little boy in the waiting room completely calls in julia styles for a private convo um there's a little boy in the waiting room completely by himself very young like probably four younger than orphan i think like definitely younger than orphan the younger than orphan is pretending to be he's a little

yeah he's gonna need therapy for being left alone in the therapy waiting room oh boy and when he is immediately suspicious of orphan he's like you don't seem like a kid. Unless. Like he like. What if he's another Orphan who is also 31 years old? Give us that spinoff. Give us that spinoff. Are you working my side of the street? What's going on here? Are you a grown up?

Game recognize game. I know you're 31 like I am. I drove here myself. Who are you? So Orphan is pissed and she goes to the receptionist because she thinks on her feet and she sees the receptionist has like a like a drink on her desk. And she goes up and she goes, hi, you know, hi, I'm a little girl. And the receptionist is like, hi, honey. And Orphan says, what are you working on?

And then spills the drink. And the receptionist jumps up and goes, oh, my God. And Orphan's like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm i'm so sorry and she goes don't worry about it honey i just gotta go get some towels to clean this up she leaves the room uh orphan like looks around she she sees an intercom turns the intercom on so she's listening to the conversation are those real do those exist anywhere actually besides like cop yeah i think it would be a phone. It would be a button on the phone. Yeah, it's like the receptionist shouldn't just be able to flip a switch and listen to any therapy session.

That's not OK. Exactly. It would be initiated by the therapist. They decide if they want to talk to the outside. That's against my HIPAA law. Yeah, exactly. It's like one of those rooms or one of the things in like an interrogation room that you see in pop shows where it's like they flip a switch and she can hear everything that's happening there but again like we're not asking questions we're not asking questions i was

early on and it doesn't matter no questions are being asked so she hears dr seger say hey something is off about orphan she seemed like she was doing a performance you know like she's not the same and um you know the the parrot's not the it's not the same parrot that i had before it's a completely different parent she goes she goes um she thought this parrot was sydney and sydney was a macaw and sydney was orange this parrot's green yeah not all macaws are parrots but all parrots are macaws we're gonna get there we're gonna get there we're gonna get there. But she also says Esther has an accent now and

Julia says, well, yeah, but is that normal? And she says, well, it's not unusual given that her speech was still developing. And I love that answer for a plot hole being like, sure. She's Russian now. No big deal. I kind of agree. A little bit.

You used to have a british accent the therapist is only suspicious about her memory of the parrot that's very that's it she's like this parrot is a different color nobody could ever forget that it was green and this child might have been before kidnapped taken across which by the way she was like six at the theoretically at that time four Four years ago. Four years ago. The color of this parrot. Yeah. She I mean, look, here's what can happen in four years.

You could completely forget how you talk. But in four years, how are you going to forget a parrot? Excuse me. It was a macaw. It was a macaw. She just loves her macaw so much. She loves that macaw. And also a little a little rubbing salt in the wound. Sydneyney's been dead for years yeah so orphan turns around she sees the little spot boy spying on her um and so then we

cut to in the uh in the the doctor's office they hear a scream and they rush out and uh orphan is is like slumped against the wall she's like crying like oh no i know uh he ripped my he ripped my my dress please i want to go home now and so they leave uh julia takes her out of the office and on the street orphan spies the detective from before who is taking a picture of her. Which this detective, this is the most obvious. He is just standing there taking her picture. It's like the dude isn't hiding at all. This is a horrible detective work.

Like holding the camera down here like looking at her. Hey, what's happening? It's like, sir, you must have better training. You're a detective. So back at the mansion, Julia Stiles, an

orphan, are walking up to the front door and a Humvee pulls into the driveway full of asshole high school kids. The asshole driver says, hey, Morticia, get Gunner for me. Which I, not to nitpick, but Wednesday, you say Wednesday, she looks

more like Wednesday. You know, Wednesday, you say Wednesday orphan does not like this. She's like, what did you call me? And the, the, the girl in the, in the passenger seat says that's his sister. And the douche goes, oh, right. And he says, Hey, get gunner for me and then he says this polish word that i looked up which means i'll i'll take that but it it it seems to mean i'll take that in the context of i'll take that as a yes but it's only like when i looked

up the phrase only the i'll take that part was highlighted. So I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why he would know this. Don't think about I'm just curious about that one. So then orphan says in Estonian to him. How about I cut your balls off

and feed them to you? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. There she is. There she is. There she is. And he's like, what? And then, um, so he's making fun of her. Gunner gets in the car and,

uh, Gunner says, Hey, my dad, this made me laugh. The Gunner says, my dad's right there. And the douche says,

I don't care. It's like, all right, that's pretty good. So beard says to orphan, Hey hey let's go in my studio and so they go into where he paints um hot dad's a painter by the way let me ask you is this is he a hot dad um he's not not hot okay we've said less probably less hot men are hot in horror movies i gotta say but here's the thing this guy looks like he's supposed to be a hot guy like he has the trapping

like the way he's styled and everything is esther licking her lips oh yeah she's licking her lips for sure it's he has it's like he is um knock off oscar isaac so it's like oscar is-off Oscar Isaac. Absolutely. Oscar Isaac is hot, so I guess this guy is, but not as much. It's like if they put Oscar Isaac on a rack and stretched him out, and they said, what if Oscar Isaac were taller? Wouldn't you like that? He's an attractive man. He's a hot dad.

He's a dad, so he is hot to Esther. Exactly. I feel like the movie is telling us that this man has a lot more charisma and inf than he has. Everybody's acting as if. Perfect way to put it. It's classic Hollywood. Like, you like this guy. We get it.

And it's like, he's not Oscar Isaac, so no. Yeah. Yeah. Do I have a say in this? Yeah, I disagree. Does Esther seem like the painting is a plus for her, that he's a painter? Or is it like that's competition? Oh, my God.

She's loving it. She's loving it. And she's into him immediately. Absolutely. For Esther, this guy's the total package. Right? Absolutely. She's never seen oscar

that's all that matters he hasn't even born yet her criteria is is he my dad well check check so um they go into the dad's studio where he paints what what looks to me like van art where he paints what looks to me like van art. It's so bad. I can picture it. It's not. It's really surprising, like how cheesy it is. When you say van art, you mean like art you would see on the side of a van? Like airbrush.

Yes, exactly. Like graffiti. You know what it is? It's Venice boardwalk art. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's like a big canvas with like a hot lady, like a sort of a nude study, and it just looks like it would be on a van.

And guys get this, his preferred way to do art. He paints a painting, but then he uses black, he uses black light effect in the paint to make a second image on top of the image that you can only see with the use of black light. And it's like, some things aren't always what they seem. So, like, if you were giving him a pass on the art looking like Van Hart, the black light is not helping it at all. So, he has, like, a little switch that he can flick that turns the lights off and a black light on. There's, like, a second sexy lady in the painting that you didn't know was there.

I was going to ask what it is. It's just another sexy lady or what's going on? And sometimes it's like butterflies. I don't know. It's not good. It's not good. It's butterflies. It's even better.

It's really crazy. I mean, the things rich people can get away with, it's absolutely insane. Yeah. Like being bad at art. So he's demonstrating the black light setup and he says i always want to fit so much in one canvas that i paint secret stuff in everything i'm such an artist i'm such an artist i want to paint all the paintings in one painting more is better the assumption that anybody who buys your painting has a black light

like do you want them to know or do you not want them to know is it like do any of us here have a black light no i wish i did be honest my friend i'm gonna call him out. My friend Marty has one. He has a really cool... Is he a hotel inspector? He has like a cool what's the fucking movie? What's the Nicole Kidman? Oh, Eyes Wide Shut. Eyes Wide Shut. A cool like

black light, eyes wide shut sort of poster anyway. But no, I don't have hands. Wait, it reminds me of room raiders you guys remember it's hard to not think about um those things with is this have we lost you paul i know i was i was i was trying to remember what room raiders was it's that it was a show in the mid 2000s on mtv where essentially they would just I don't even understand I don't remember what the structure was all I remember is they would like break into your room and like I loved that show in eighth grade like when i was

like 13 i can't wait to see it absolutely humiliating and the person the person they kidnapped would have to sit in a van and watch them watch them while they uncovered all this stuff. It's like the secret police. They barge in your room, they drag you out, stick you in a van, and then shame you. And then they make fun of you. And then they make fun of you so much.

Anywhere. Oh my God. Why is this poster on the ceiling, you perv? Wow, it's been a long time since I thought about room rangers. So Orphan sees there's a canvas that has a tarp over it. And she goes, what is this? And it's like his Esther is missing bulletin board with all the newspaper clippings, pictures of her, all that.

All he's missing is yarn. It's one of those. Exactly. And then he says, oh, no, that one, I meant to get rid of that. As if it was an art piece as well. Oh, uh- one, I meant to get rid of that. As if it was an art piece as well. Oh, uh-huh. That one. I meant to get rid of that one.

It's like, that's not, are we going to sell this? My missing daughter. So featured on there is a newspaper clipping that has a picture of the detective who took a picture of her earlier. So she's like, okay, I know who this guy is now. And he says, yeah, I don't want to live in the past and she says let me paint you uh uh and i want to paint you looking as sad as you did when you were looking at that bulletin board you basically yeah and he i love this he asks her like oh okay what like what's your medium what he you use she goes charcoal yeah you're done yeah you're a charcoal artist yeah well he's really he's prepared for it he's like he loves it

what's your poison oil uh watercolor um but when she asks him to to pose like being you know essentially devastated he's like well i don't you know don't, I don't really want to do that. And she says, please. And he's like, okay. So he sits there looking sad. She starts drawing him. Meanwhile, Julia Stiles is in the house. She's on the phone. She's bullying someone into attending a charity event. And she's doing a thing, which look, I will say this. I love Julia Stiles. She's fucking great. Right. And she is great in this movie, but she's doing a thing that I always love when somebody's faking a telephone call and they don't leave enough time for the other person to be answering.

I literally, when this phone call happened, I was like, there was no space for someone to respond. It's so good. And it's like, Julia, you absolutely know better. You are a good actress. But it also speaks to the point of like, the only thing that's real is what we're seeing on screen. Exactly.

When the other person says this, we only need to hear her lines. Of course, of course, we went to the gala. Well, of course, we went to the gala because children's cancer, for God's sake, be there or not. It's like, what is this person saying to you? It's amazing. Like the person you imagine the other person going. It's wild. Oh, it's's so funny i love it so much it was right around this point and we will we will get to it where joel and i were like why did julia styles do this movie like we were like starting to think

about like what are her choices she's not in that she was like an absolute icon i mean it's julia styles we all know her. Save the last dance. 10 things about you. Like 90s, early aughts. Absolutely. She's so good. Yeah. She's so good.

We were like, why did she do this movie? Remember when she did the Bourne Trilogy? She was in Bourne, I bet. She did the Bourne Trilogy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, those are great movies. I know. I know.

Well, the first one was. She's an interesting career. So she looks out the window and she sees by the way i kept forgetting this was in 2007 and so there are so many things where i was like why did that happen and i was like oh right right there's nothing particularly uh time stamped on it except for some of the technology right so she hangs up the phone and it makes a beep. And I'm like, why would her phone beep? And it's like, oh, right.

So she looks out the window and she sees Beard and Orphan through the studio window. And Orphan is charcoal drawing Beard. And in the studio, Orphan says she's finished. We see the charcoal sketch. And honestly, it is very good for someone who is actually 10 years old so either so it's like she's playing this perfectly right that it's like this is a precocious child's drawing beard loves it he says i'll be right back and we're gonna do more um orphan looks at her drawing and she reaches out and she rubs her finger on the painting's lips. And then she rubs the charcoal on her own lips.

She feels someone watching her and she turns around. Julia Stiles is caught. And she hides behind the curtain sheer. She just lets the curtain go. She goes. Like, absolutely. She's never here. Has been seen.

Knows she's been seen. And she's like, oh. We have made eye contact. We both saw it. And she doesn't walk away. She just pulls this sheer curtain. So later, Orphan is in her gigantic bathroom. And she is binding her breasts when she hears the bedroom door open.

And she sees through the crack in the door Julia Stiles. She's snooping around. And Julia Stiles has discovered Orphan's little leather book little leather book and orphan stops her before she can see anything important she's like hey don't you knock or whatever and julia's like oh i'm so sorry so that julia styles can't see that she's you know wrapping up her yeah but she's like comes out on her little robe and i julia styles like oh i was looking for blah blah blah and she's like get out of here so orphan looks around and she and she's like okay i know here so orphan looks around and she and she's like okay i know what i gotta do she finds she searches all over she finally finds the real

ester's diary there's like the dolls and shit all over the place she's like where could it be and then of course there's a gigantic dollhouse and she goes over to and she's like there's a panel in the base of it and she finds ester's diary and so she's flipping through it and uh she's she's like looking she's noticing little details like oh esther says mummy so she's practicing saying hi mummy hi mummy mummy it's so great i i love isabel furman's performance she's so good yes i love you mommy she's great so at dinner dinner, in case you forgot, they're rich. They're listening to classical music. And Beard.

On a weekday night. Yes, just for dinner. This is what rich people do. Insane. So Beard is telling Julia Stiles how talented Orphan is. Orphan says, this dinner is delicious, Mommy. And Julia Stiles is like, what? Doorbell rings.

It's the detective. He says, I just came to say, welcome home, Esther. And orphans like, excuse me for a sec. And she takes her empty glass and she walks out of the room.

And then she just like goes around the wall. She's eavesdropping. And she hears the detective say that he talked to Dr. Seeger and that the doctor's open to a group therapy discussion tomorrow the whole family an orphan runs back into the room to say mommy your gala is tomorrow and yeah it's like oh that's right yeah how about the day after can we do it the next day and uh we'll figure it out we'll figure figure out the time. And then the detective says, oh, hey, you forgot to fill your glass. And then he leaves and Orphan is

pissed. She's like cutting the meat on her plate. She is sawing through that meat with great fury. Visibly angry. It's like, hey, Orphan, chill a little bit. So in her bedroom, Orphan is packing a bag with a bunch

of valuables and cash that she stole from the family. She's like, the jig is up. I gotta get out of here. They've ruined my whole thing. Then she hears a squeak and she sees a very cute rat in an ornate heating vent. Now,

subtitles called this a mouse. Okay, it's not. It's absolutely a rat. It's not. It's a rat. If it is a mouse, it is the story of the biggest mouse on record. And that should be its own movie. It's a cute rat, but it is a rat. He's so cute. It's definitely a rat. So she goes, leans down

to him and she smiles and she says, I'm sorry you have to live here. And the rat's like, I'm doing great. She's like, this is fine. No one's discovered me in this rich person's home. I'm doing really good. My coat is sleek and shiny. So Orphan goes outside. She's going to make a break for it. And then she sees Beard in the studio. He's painting and he's turning the black light off and on. He's wearing like, you know, muscle T tank top kind of thing.

What do we call those now? There are so many unfortunate names that we can't call them. We can't call it what we used to call it. We all know what we used to call it and we don't want to say that anymore. But I don't remember what we settled on. I don't know what we settled on, but you know what it is, but we're not going to say it. I think so. A tank top.

We're going to call it a ribbed tank top. A ribbed. A white ribbed tank. He's wearing a vest. Perfect. Yeah. So she sees him in that undershirt and she likes what she sees. She's too horny to leave.

She turns right back around. Things could not be worse for her right now. It's not looking good. Too horny to leave. Man, I got gotta take a chance. Your daddy? Anything. Your daddy?

She goes back and she tells the rat, direct quote, yeah, I think I'll stay for a while. What? Oh my god, so now the rat's a device she's speaking to? She loves the rat. The rat is her only friend. All that is missing is like a lowering of sunglasses. Oh my god. The writers for this were like, yeah, let's add a rat. The rat is her only friend. All that is missing is like a lowering of sunglasses. Oh my God. The writers for this were like, yeah, let's add a rat.

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I ain't going anywhere for a while. Yeah, not going anywhere. So next day, Julia Stiles is out jogging. She takes a break to compare some past and present photos of Esther. And she gets home and she tells Beard, hey, I think something's up with Dr. Seeger, the child therapist. She was like being weird at therapy. And yeah, I don't know. Something's not right with her

and Beard is like, maybe she needs a therapist and Julia's like, right? And then she turns around and she sees Beard is in a tux and he says, I want to go with you to the gala. You know, I'll suffer through those, you know, rich assholes to be with you and support you and

this is like turning her on. They start fooling around naturally. They say it seems like ever since we got Esther back, we got us back. So things are good for them again. Naturally, Orphan is spying through the open door. She's not going to like this. And she is pissed.

She's got to get rid of Julia Stiles. She is just furious looking at this. Her face is like, oh, just an angry mask. Glowering. So they get on the bed. They start fooling around. She like rips her gala dress that's hanging by the door and runs away. And they're like, oh, what is this dress?

It costs so much money. What am I going to do? And so she finds another outfit. They're leaving for the gala they tell gunner he is in charge again gunner has a flip phone and i'm like why does he have a flip phone it's 2007

so um they leave and uh orphan says what are we going to do now and gunner scoffs we and he throws a big fucking teen party and there's a huge bonfire outside uh everybody's drinking beer smoking pot um gunner's pals are like is your sister different since she came home and gunner says yeah uh she's a lot different she dresses like lizzie borden and then orphan

appears who is lizzie borden and some other high school douche is like some crazy chick who killed her parents with an axe. Do high schoolers know who Lizzie Borden is? This is not a... 2007? 2007? High schoolers love Lizzie Borden. Okay, okay. All we know is what we see. All we know is

what we see. She was a teen icon in 2000. They know. They like it. Lizzie Borden is definitely someone you learn about in high school, though. You know what I mean? That's one of those names. Oh, yeah. It's part of history. I sure did not.

That's one of those names. Oh, you didn't have true crime in history in your school? I must have been absent on Lizzie Borden day. Pop quiz. Next, we're going to talk about Leopold and Loeb. So then Gunner says, hey, Esther, go watch a movie. And Orphan says, go fuck yourself. And then the doorbell rings.

It's the detective again. He loves coming back here. Gunner goes to the door. He says his parents aren't home. And the detective's like, oh, that's too bad. Hey, I could smell that weed from the street. And Gunner's like, please don't tell my parents about this. Which I also like why does he care so much oh it's 2007 if you can't be normal but i had to say that i'm like who cares you're smoking weed i was like so the detective says uh yeah i'll go uh hey can i I hit the restroom? And here's the thing. It felt like the

detective was going to use this as leverage somehow, but then doesn't. He's just like, can I go to the bathroom? He's like, sure. And then he goes and snoops around, right? He's got a black light and he goes into Orphan's room and he's looking for shit. He's looking for fingerprints.

He finds her precious Jimmy Durante 45 and there's a big old thumbprint on it. And he's like, great. Pops in his pocket and he leaves. Orphan gets to the room a little too late to catch him. But through the window, she sees him leaving the house. And she's like, God damn it. She runs into the bathroom, turns on the shower, full blast, closes the curtain.

Julie and Beard are arriving home. They're in their car. Beard says, I hope the house is still standing. i was 16 i nearly burned the house down and julia says gunner would never do that and beard says who says i'm talking about gunner and they laugh and they're having fun they're having fun julia gets in the house she starts calling for orphan she goes into orphan's room she finds her They're having fun. They're back, baby. They're back. Little do they know. Julia gets in the house. She starts calling for Orphan.

She goes into Orphan's room. She finds her little book. And there's the newspaper. Tucked inside is the newspaper clipping about the detective with an address written on it. There's also a picture of her and her husband. Her and beard. Where her face is scratched out with red pen. Yeah. Perfect. where her face is scratched out with like red pen yeah and there's a stamp on the inside back cover that says sarn institute oh no there's also another photo in there of some other hot dad who

we don't know who he is he's the one from the third movie that's in um the the pre prequel orphan is she's just like collects photos of hot dads. That's where she keeps them. She loves her daddy. Let me tell you this. This is not her first kill if she's already done this to a different family. Great point. It should have been First American Kill. First American Kill.

A perfect title. Orphan. First American Kill. Orphan takes Connecticut. So Julia goes into the steamy bathroom. She throws back the curtain. First American kill. Orphan takes Connecticut. So, Julia goes into the steamy bathroom. She throws back the curtain. Nobody's there. At the detective's house.

I don't blame this guy. He's pouring himself a nice cocktail. He's making like a G&T. He cuts a lime wedge as a garnish. Then he does what we all do. He stabs the knife into the cutting board. That's my favorite part of cooking, of making cocktails, anything involving a knife. Yeah, you gotta stab.

I love to stab the knife into the cutting board. Convertible knife. So he is putting the fingerprint he found into a criminal database. He hears like a door noise behind him. He gets up to look around. And guess what? Behind him, we see the knife is no longer sticking out of the cutting board.

Oh my God. He gets his service revolver out of a drawer, puts it on the desk just in case, goes back to work. Over his shoulder, we see a blurry figure, and guys, I'm not going to lie, it's the orphan. Okay, well, just in case, literally there's no other

option that it could be somebody's there i can't that's why i gotta be honest with you i appreciate it thank you i really do he has he has run that fingerprint through his little machine and it which they definitely had in 2007 at home oh yeah yep oh yeah he's just coming home having a nice night of cocktails and running fingerprints and it comes up not a match to the real esther's fingerprint i mean it just says like it's very maury the way it's confirmed you are not the daughter and so we see we see esther popping up behind him. And he says out loud, he says, and not even like, look, I don't want to criticize this actor.

He's doing a fine job. Maybe he was directed to say it this way, but nor, I feel like the instinct would be if you were doing this, you think you're alone. You would say like, if you're not Esther, who are you? But he says, if you're not Esther who are you but he says if you're not Esther who are you yeah it's like for a second I thought oh he knows she's there so then Esther suddenly just stabs him a thousand times in the back with his cocktail like she's going and going and going

and his his acting his getting stabbed acting is great i have to say like that that kind of shit when you when you notice how good it is it's so good i don't know i just love stuff like that it's very it's like south yes it's very technical i love that kind of stuff. So he slumps to the ground. He's gurgling blood. And she says to him, how did you know I'm not Esther? Her own mother doesn't even know. And then the detective coughs out some blood and he says, yeah, kid, she does. And then he is shot in the face. What?

The camera whips around. We see Julia Stiles herself holding the smoking gun. She shoots the detective a few more times. A twist. Orphan says, Mommy. Like she's happy to see her. Mommy.

And then Julia points the gun at Orphan and says, What the fuck are you looking at? What? Moments later. I love this. This is where it all, oh, I get chills just thinking about it. Incredible.

Yes, yes, yes. Unbelievable twist. She's met her match. So moments later, Julia Stiles and Orphan are sitting together. They're hashing her out. Julia says. She's holding her at gunpoint.

Holding her at gunpoint. Julia Stiles is holding Orphan at gunpoint. Just like the casual gunpoint where it's like, we're talking, but I could shoot you easily. So Julia Stiles says, and this is a direct quote. Let me get this straight. I have chills. You're a grown ass woman and a wanted criminal. That is beyond fucked up.

What? The next quote I have also fully written down because it's incredible please go next okay i'll i'll i'll take it so she yeah so she reveals that um got that esther was not ever missing that gunner and her got into you know a classic sibling argument it went a little too far. Gunner killed Esther. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? What? What? Gunner killed Esther. And here we go.

Here's the quote. I loved my daughter with all my heart, but a mother protects her family no matter what. No matter what. And if you think I'm, okay, again, sorry, this is a direct quote. And if you think I'm... Okay, again, sorry. This is a direct quote. And if you think that I'm going to let some psycho dwarf destroy what I have built... Psycho dwarf!

You're mistaken. Psycho dwarf! This family came over on the fucking Mayflower and built this country. We matter. Alan matters. When he got the news that Esther was alive, the happiness on his face, I had to make it work. Esther's disappearance changed Alan. Oh, so Alan doesn't know.

Who he was supposed to be. But you, you are the answer. You and I have a chance to turn this mess into a mutually beneficial situation. Oh my God. You conned your way into this family. You chose this role. and now you're going to have to fucking play oh julia styles bringing the heat and this is why julia so julia and gunner have known the entire time that she was not esther they've always known but that's why i got everyone's like hey how you doing hey what's up yeah that's okay i mean she must have called she must have called him and

said hey when you see her that's it's not cool act cool and then she's like not that cool like act cool like it's your sister you didn't kill your sister. Act like you didn't kill her. You didn't kill her. You didn't kill her. She's not dead. Dead. So Orphan and Julia Stiles dispose of the detective's body forever. They send out an email that says, hey, effective immediately.

I'm taking my vacation time. Goodbye. I quit. Wait, so Orphan is like, cool, deal? This sounds good to me? She's like, well, I got to do it. I don't have any choice. Yeah, they're locked in now.

Otherwise, I'll say you did this, and you go back to Estonia in handcuffs, well, I got to do it. I don't have any choice because it's like, otherwise, I'll say you did this and you go back to Estonia in handcuffs and it's game over for you. So Julia takes her home. Then she gets Gunner in the backyard, gets him up to speed. And Gunner's like, let's just kill her now. Julia says, no, she has just as much to lose as we do. We'll wait till the time is right. Gunner is a psychopath.

Too soon to kill her. So Orphan is watching them from the bedroom and then goes to have a little visit with the rat. Next day, completely out of nowhere. And for no reason other than, hey, guess what?

This is a horror movie. Beard is teaching Gunner how to shoot a crossbow. I think crossbows are the scariest weapon i feel like this is sort of like a mini one wouldn't you say this is sort of like a tiny cross i think it's a decent size okay how big is it you guys i would say it would say it's like this big, right? Yeah, I guess it's pretty hard. You gotta be strong. Emily, let's agree

it's a medium crossbow. It's a medium crossbow. I feel like I'd rather be shot with a gun than a crossbow. Crossbows really scare me. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. I gotta think on that one, but we don't have the time, and I understand. I never thought about it before. I feel like this is something like i took one archery class and i was like i know it's not oh no it's not a crossbow but like an arrow in general when there are a hundred people next to

you all shooting arrows it's really really scary yeah yeah so you got time to think about it then absolutely all right well i'll do that my own time so julia goes up to the bedroom while they're taking crossbow lessons and says to orphan hey you fucked up with that parent thing and how are we gonna fix it the parrot thing yeah that's what she goes all macaws are parrots but not all parrots are no she does not say that does she actually say that she does yeah she does that's a direct thing's gonna sink us yes yeah the therapist did not say it yeah the therapist like that was her ironclad evidence something's up here so next run next day we're at the family therapy meeting with dr seger and they are telling family stories an orphan is giving a ton of detail which we all mean

which we all know means that you're telling the truth. The more detail you're giving unasked for, the more truthful you sound. So she's just going on and on about it. And daddy fell over the horse and he had this thing on his face. And she and Julia are like laughing, like, Hey, it was so funny.

I had a great time. So then later the therapist is, is making her voice notes and she's she pretty much says orphan is doing great period close closed the vibe this woman has giving herself notes in an audio she's like and esther she's doing like it's like, who is this for? Also, as if she's responsible for it. Yeah, it's like, and Esther's a healthy, happy kid. It's like, okay. End of story.

So she's convinced, and I honestly don't think she's a very good therapist. No. The last person I'm worried about is Esther. Case closed. So later, Julia is helping Orphan bind herself, which now that we mention it, why does she have to bind herself if her proportional dwarfism arrested her growth at age 10?

Yeah. Very good. Don't ask us. But it's a nice bonding moment between the two of them. It's such a fun twist to have them like be on the set and that julia styles is like honestly more fucked up than i love it yes yes it's great so she says look some people are coming over to see you they're old friends of ours they know who esther is so you gotta play it cool wait i think i'm gonna have to do some damage

and orphans like and that means going shopping they come back with a bunch of shopping bags cute so um uh she essentially gives orphan a little girl makeover it's like pink is your favorite color and puts her in like a frilly little dress and everything she buys her some fresh neck ribbons to match all her outfits you know Esther is miserable by the way way. She hates this. I don't know why. It's a lateral move fashion-wise from what she was already wearing. I know. I think she just wants to be

in control. She liked being the secret orphan. She doesn't like people knowing. She likes being the most fucked up crazy one. She's going to prove herself, I bet. She might. Later at this little house party, the orphan is being a very charming little girl. She's playing the prove she's going to prove herself, I bet. So later at this at this at this little house party, Orphan is being a very charming little girl. She's playing the piano like nobody's business, which I guess Beard does not question at all.

It's like they're all like you left to Russia for four years and now you're a fucking genius. I guess it makes sense. Piano playing. It's wild. So everyone loves her. And then this older lady says well what are your what are your plans now young lady which is the weirdest question i could think to ask a 10 year old after being abducted for several years hey now that you're back

what's next for you and julia's like uh she's just like what are my plans mommy and julia's like i don't know i'm not letting you out of my sight so then later orphan is in her room she's just fucking she's miserable then gunner appears at the door and he says let me get this straight. You're 30. And she's like, get the fuck out of my room. He's like, it's my dead sister's room. And he says, here's your room. This dude has no remorse for having killed his actual sister. Not at all. It's just a house full of psychopaths.

Psychopaths. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except for one. One guy who's just a bad artist. Just innocent van art in his studio. Sweet man in the tank top. He just wants to make vans look groovy.

That's all he wants to do. Leave him alone. So he says, look, this is how it's going to be. I'm in charge. We hold all the cards here. If you step out of line, you're either going back to the gulag or I'll kill you like I killed Esther. And she slaps.

Oh, no, sorry. So either or you're going back in chains and then she slaps him and he goes, do that again and I'll kill you like i killed esther and she slaps oh no sorry and so either or you're going back in chains and then she slaps him and he goes do that again and i'll kill you like i killed esther and then she slaps him again and then he just laughs and he says look this is america people like me matter just like what his mom said oh my god mom obsessed with being from the fucking sent chills through my whole body just Absolutely. It's like deeply white. He says, mom has a problem with Esther disappearing again. I don't.

So then we cut to Julia crushing up some sleeping pills into a powder. And she says, you are going to sleep like a fucking baby tonight. So then we're at dinner. Julia serves everybody roast lamb and tapenade. But she says, I know Esther doesn't like it. So I made her her favorite, which is mac and cheese with cut up hot dogs. And let me tell you something.

It looked good, guys. Esther's pissed about this, but I'm like, I would eat that. It looked delicious and comforting. That was good. So she's mad and she's not going to eat this fucking food. Beard says, hey, I'm going to the city tomorrow. I'm going to show the gallery my new painting. You're dying to see it.

I assume the gallery is like a parking lot, right? So he says, and I loved this quote, I rediscovered the joy. I once felt doing what I love. I feel like a kid again. So he invites Esther, but Julia says they already have plans. Orphan is pissed and she leaves the table. Julia says, take your dinner with you.

And orphan grabs her plate, goes upstairs. She offers the food to her friend, the rat, the rat starts eating it up. And orphan takes the picture of Julia and beard that she's squirreled away. And she rips the Julia half off and crumples it up. Beard knocks on the door and he comes in saying, hey, are you OK?

And she says, yeah, I don't really like mommy's cooking. And then he's like, honestly, me neither. Then Beard says, I love to paint at night. Do you want to join me? So now we're in the blacklight studio and Beard and Orphan are painting side by side. Oh, romantic. Julia's again watching through the window and Beard is getting covertly flirty with Beard. She's like touching his hands.

He goes, yeah, I know. I get paint all over him. And she's like stroking them lovingly and everything. She like holds his hand and it's like hold and then like kisses it in a very intimate way. No, child. Absolutely. If you were that father, like you would. Absolutely. If you were that father, you would be very concerned.

Like, where did you pick this up? Well, my daughter left for four years. She came back. She started kissing my head pretty weird. So Beard goes back to Beard goes to bed. Orphan is alone in the black light and she's still painting. She's working on her charcoal sketch of Beard, filling it in with some black light and she's still painting a picture. She's working on her charcoal sketch of, uh, of beard, filling it in with some black light. Um, after a second, the regular light comes on and Julia's there and she tells orphan, she must be delusional if she thinks she has just shot with beard romantically surprise. I'm not your daughter. I'm a mutant grifter.

He would be as repulsed by you as I suspect most men are. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and fuck my husband. Oh my God. Esther is not like that. Oh, it's on. She is so mad. She starts clicking the light on and off very rapidly. Before she leaves, Julie turns around and goes,

he really is a new man since you came back. Thanks for that. Oh my God. This is it, Carrie. Her exact button. Julia's found it. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

So later Orphan is in bed. She hears a clattering in the rat area. The rat area. She goes over and she sees the rat is dead next to the plate of mac and cheese. Lester had to let it out somewhere. Orphan realizes Julia tried to drug her. No, it's the sedative.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's too much for a rat. Too much for a rat. I guess the rat was being drugged. The rat, I guess, was okay for a while. This is hours later. This is a long time later. And the rat finally dies. I don't think

the rat was like, I'll eat that later. I think rats are pretty much like food immediately. Immediately right now until I'm so full that I'm about to explode. But I can also go under a door frame, so don't worry about that. So she's furious

when she realizes that Julia tried to drug her. She smashes up some dolls in the room. In the morning, Julia's being very encouraging to Beard about his painting and then they walk into the kitchen and they discover that Orphan has cooked breakfast for everyone, including having made Julia's traditional

smoothie that she loves so much. Okay, she's 10. She's in the kitchen. She's making them breakfast. She's making them breakfast. She's making crepes. And they are like, the dad even goes like, wow, is there anything you can't do?

Literally, is there anything you can't do? She's 10 and she is making you crepes. And also, where are the questions about what happened to you? What happened to you? What happened to you while you were gone? What school in Russia did you go to? Henley! You're as bad as the parents!

I mean, we can dig a little deeper. In her own good time. Yeah, so she's making breakfast and yeah, she made a very good smoothie. Yes, and Julia's like, I'm not hungry. And Beard is like, don't be rude. Go ahead. Drink it. And she's like, okay.

So she takes a sip. She goes, it's delicious. And then she turns around. She almost throws up and she dumps the smoothie in the sink. And guess what? The rat is in there. Her rat friend is in there. Dead rat in the smoothie. And Beard's like, are you okay? She's like, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. And then she just turns on the garbage disposal. She garbage disposals the rat. It's insane.

And we watch it's little tail go like Where do you buy that disposal? That's a disposal rich people have. Yeah, it's a strong, strong, strong disposal. I can't put a lemon in my garbage disposal without sounding like it's gonna break. Or actually breaking. Yeah. You're going to crush up

a rat body? You're going to crush up an entire rat. The little fun guy inside him. I know, the little fun skeleton. It's got to smell bad. I would imagine so. I would feel like if you crowned up a rat

in the garbage disposal somebody would say whoa what is that I wouldn't notice absolutely the smell of creeps that ain't gonna drown that out so then later we are at the train station um Beard shows Esther that he's taking one of her

paintings among his to show to his friend who is the dean of an art school and he says would you like that she goes i will so much daddy and so he hands her the tube with the paintings you know one of those canisters and he says okay take this up to mommy and gunner and i have to go um get some coffees so orphan sees julius styles and gunner across on the platform and she's like, you motherfuckers. So she goes around to get behind them and she's approaching them

and she's got the canister and she turns it lengthwise and she's like, I'm going to fucking shove both of them into the path of a moving train. This is going to be great. It looked like it would be very satisfying. Like when she had the idea

like, oh yeah, I'll just turn this. Oh, and I get both of them at the same time. That's so convenient. And so she's about to do it and then some guy out of nowhere is like, whoa, be careful little lady or whatever. So she's foiled and then Gunnar and Julia Stiles realize what she was up to. They know.

So Beard gets on his train and they're leaving the train station and Julia Stiles is like, you think you can fucking kill me? Our arrangement is over. You're fucking dead. Orphan tries to take off with Julia's purse. They struggle. They hit the floor.

Orphan goes into Julia's purse, gets her pepper spray. She sprays Gunner in the face and she runs away. Outside, she gets in Julie's SUV and fucking takes off. And she is driving along this little thing in this big car. It's so funny. She puts on a pair of sunglasses. She finds she lights a cigarette. She turns on the radio. She puts on lipstick. She turns on the radio. Michael Cimbello's maniac is playing. Absolutely feeling herself at the time of her life

I mean in this moment it is sort of like this is great I'm just going to drive away I'll find a new life I don't know what's going to happen but for now Orphan is happy Things are good She sees the lights behind her there's a cop car

she rolls down the window and the same uniform cop from before, I think that was there. Small town. When they first met this woman, she, she pulls her over. Esther rolls down,

rolls down the window and says, was I driving? Was something wrong with my driving? Whatever. And the cop says, you must be Esther. And back at home, Gunnar is complaining about his eyes julie he's like i feel like i got stabbed a thousand times i need to go to the hospital julie's like a little piece of shit then the phone rings the cops say we have your daughter

now it's nighttime i don't know how much time is back it's a very confusing amount of time we have your daughter. We're actually busy right now. Can we bring her later? Is that all right? Eight hours later. So it's night time. Well, the cop calls. Oh, keep going. So the uniform cop brings Orphan back. Julia Stiles

sends her in the house and tells the cop, I'm worried about Orphan. She's been erratic and sometimes she talks about hurting herself. So she's really laying the groundwork for something'm worried about Orphan. She's been erratic. And sometimes she talks about hurting herself. So she's really laying the groundwork for something to happen. Orphan goes up to her room. I guess this is where else is she going to go? Yeah.

Well, the cop also tells Julia Stiles, she's like, and by the way, I let Alan know that we found Esther as well. So Julia Stiles is like, fuck. Thank you. That's not good. And yeah, so yeah. Orphan goes up to her room. Esther goes to her room. Julia tells Gunner, all right, it. That's not good. And yeah, so yeah. Orphan goes up to her room. Julia tells Gunner, all right, it's time to do this. We gotta kill her. They go up to her room. Orphan

realizes what's up. Gunner grabs her. They struggle. Julia approaches with some scissors and she grabs Orphan's wrist and says, your suicide is gonna break your daddy's heart, but he'll get over it. Then Orphan spits right in Julia's eye, like direct hit. She's like, oh, and then she hits Gunner in the balls and she escapes.

Gunner runs after her, catches her at the top of the stairs. They struggle. And Gunner is like, why won't you just die? And he throws her down the stairs. Julia runs up and he says, I didn't mean to. It just happened. They look down. They see Orphan's body on the landing. Julia's phone rings. It's

Beard and he's saying the cops called on about Esther. Julia says everything's fine. Beard says he's coming home. Julia hangs up and when they look again, Orphan's not on the landing. She's gone. She's gone. Julia tells Gunner, go look for her. And Gunner is like.

She says, go and finish it. Oh, my God. He's like her little henchman. He's sort of like me. Yeah, he's like, seriously? She's like, go finish it. That's what having kids is for. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. So Gunner grabs his broken sword from his equipment bag. He briefly puts his fencing mask on and then says, and then he takes it off. At which point Joel went, he's going to get stabbed in the eye. I was like, God fucking damn it. So he's looking all around for her with a broken sword and he finds her in the blacklight studio. And he's like, hey, Esther, whatever your name is, let's make a deal we can work this out and then she appears and

she says you really do you really mean that that we can make a deal and he goes no and she goes I didn't think so and then of course she has the crossbow she shoots him and Sammy you're right to be afraid he is shot with such force he is thrown backwards yeah it's enough of a crossbow to

fucking get him. Imagine what a large would do. Yeah, a large or medium size? Where in his body is this? Is it an immediate kill shot? It's like chest. Center mass. No, it's not an immediate kill shot, but it gets him right in the center. Yeah, so it knocks him down.

She jumps on top of him. She grabs the broken sword and she stabs him a million times, just going over and over and over again. All kinds of blood. Blood is spattering in her face. The blood in this movie is very good. It's really well done.

It's great. It's not the super red cartoony blood of the 70s, but the amount of so copious that it's just like your mind is like, this is not real at all. You know what I mean? And then it's just kind of fun. It's just ridiculous. But it's not so over the top that it's stupid. I don't know. It's just like your mind is like, this is not real at all. You know what I mean? And then it's just kind of fun. It's just ridiculous. But it's not like so over the top that it's stupid. I don't know.

It's fun. So Julia comes in. She sees Gunnar dead on the ground. She's like, what have you done? She runs after Orphan, chases her into the kitchen. This is where things get so fucking crazy. Oh, I can't wait. I'm so nervous. Oh, I can't wait. I'm so, this is weird.

Oh, she grabs Orphan. They collide into the stove, somehow turning a burner on. Hell yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. I mean, 2007, I'm trying to think back to what stoves were like then. There was no way you could just bump into a stove and turn the burner on.

You've always had to push and turn. You've always had to push and turn. You've always had to push and turn. That's pretty standard stuff. So there's an oven mitt very close to the flame, guys. So they have a big physical fight in the kitchen. They are throwing each other around a bunch. They hit each other with various things. Smash and plate over each other's heads.

Like a big pitcher, like a clay pitcher over Julie Stiles' head. At one point, Julie Stiles picks her up and tosses her over the kitchen island. She like fucking launches her. Just a full-on yeet. And then she goes over the island. And then Julia like takes a little break. Just a

little break. Says, I'm going to rest on the island for just a half a second. And then she looks over. Orphan's not there anymore. So she's like, all right, I got to find Orphan. She grabs the knife. She leaves the room. As she leaves the room, like she's crossing the threshold of the room, the wall behind

the stove just, boom, bursts into flames, right? Biggest fire you've ever seen. Biggest fire you've ever seen. Biggest fire you've ever seen. There's nothing gradual about it. It's just full of boom. It's on fire. So she. Like downstairs windows blow out like two seconds later.

She runs out of the room a second later. Windows are blowing out. It's fucking insane. They're like the whole first floor is on fire. She runs up the stairs. She finds orphan back in the good old bedroom and she says this is it you freak you have taken everything from me um i'm gonna kill you my husband will understand i'll tell i'm gonna tell him everything um and nobody's gonna blame me then orphan just turns around she jumps out the window because there's like a little roof you know know, overhang, um, uh,

there. And she jumps there. She starts climbing up. The fire is already now climbing up the outside of the building. Um, so she's going up to the top of the roof. Julia climbs out after her. They're making their way up to the top of the slanted roof. Beard arrives home in a cab.

He sees the entire house engulfed in flames and he's like call the fire department and then orphan they're up on the top of the roof the slanted part like you know balancing up there julie's got a knife but orphan like slaps her a couple times and then they both lose their balance and they go sliding down julia what's your plan where do you go from here you follow her up the roof yeah but like then what like what what are we doing i guess i don't i don't does she i assumed that she still had the knife but maybe she doesn't have the knife anymore she does right but it's still like you're caught wait how do you like at this point i would say like we're on top of a roof what if i just pushed

you off the roof um instead of stabbed you and you fall so um yeah julia slaps her they both lose their balance they go sliding down the slanted roof and they're just like barely hanging on by the the the gutter um beard runs into the burning house runs up to the bedroom uh and they're both hanging there he's like oh my god and and they're like hanging there. He's like, oh my God. And they're like, help, help. Julia says very quickly, she's not Esther. She's a grown woman. I mean, I don't know how she expected him to process all this. Orphan says she's lying.

And Beard is very confused. So Beard tries to grab Orphan's hand, which I think in most cases you would go for the child first, right? And Julia loses her grip. She falls to the ground and there is a great effect when she falls. She hits her head on the concrete lip of the driveway, right? And her head, like there's a great sound

and like a spray of blood. It's a very good effect. It's very well done. So Beard... Yeah, immediately dead. There's no question about it so beard pulls her up and then he holds her closely and he looks down at julia's body can't wait to see how you're gonna describe this looks at orphan and she lovingly strokes his beard and then he takes her face his her face in his hands

and he squeezes her face but i guess a little too hard because her cosmetic denture pops up her cover blown he squeezes her so hard her teeth and he says this is what he says what the fuck oh my god then orphan says i did this for you for us so we can be together alan i love you oh my god beard catches up and he says who who the fuck are you? You're a monster. And she doesn't like this. So she pushes him off the roof.

Instantly regrets it. Right? Like as soon as she puts him, she's like, oh, no. Oh, my daddy. So she pushes him off. He dies landing next to Julia Stiles. And Orphan looks down at the twisted bodies. And we hear her

favorite song, the glory of love by tween heartthrob, Jimmy Durante. The fire department is now on the way. The song plays orphans back in her bedroom, putting on some fresh neck and wrist ribbons and a change of clothes. She grabs her special book. She's in no hurry,

by the way. I kept saying like, there's no oxygen left in this house. No. Like, it is, everything is on fire. You would suffocate instantly. There's no way she can breathe. She's wiping blood off like, ah, you win some, you lose some, you know? Like, strolling, strolling through this house.

So she leaves the house. There's a great, great shot of her walking down the stairs as the fire is all around her. It's really a beautiful shot. And then she gets outside. She walks out the front door. Fire trucks are there. We fade to black.

Then we're in Dr. Seeger's office. And this is very, if you have seen the original Psycho, Alfred Hitchcock, this is very reminiscent of that to me. She is in Dr. Seeger's office by herself, just sitting there looking sad, single tear down the face. Dr. Seeger is talking to the one uniformed cop that they have in this town. And she says, she goes in, she has this monologue where she's like, you know, it's really a shame.

Everything was taken from Esther, but I think it's going to be all right because I think a loving family will take Esther into their home and Esther will get all the love that she deserves because after all, who wouldn't want to adopt her? And then Esther, the orphan looks right at us. She looks right at us. And she smiles. And then she stops smiling. The end. That was Orphan First Kill.

I loved it. That was Orphan First Kill. It was so much fun. I got to say, wasn't scary at all. Like, honestly, not even like any jump scares, like nothing. No jump scares. Just love that. It's a thriller. It's absolutely a thriller. So much fun.

So much fun. I absolutely had the time of my life. It took everything in me to not like at that twist to not text all of you and be like, that was so fun. I was the same thing. I was losing it at that twist.

I was so like, I felt alive. Julia, you fucking did it. She was such a rich bitch. She's perfect in this movie. Isabel is perfect in this movie. The two of them together are so much fun. was so absolutely i will definitely be watching it and i cannot wait 13 years till the next one

i would assume i think they used uh i read a little bit that they used uh an actual child double sometimes there were a few sneaky camera things where like, when she's escaping the Sarn Institute, she gets into the elevator and she looks up at the numbers. And then when they go back down, it's the back of her head and it's a double. And so when she walks out, it's clearly a little kid walking out.

But it was really, I love the way it was done. It was so much fun. It was really fun the way they did that. It was really fun. Yeah, and basically I feel like anytime you weren't seeing her face they would have a little uh a child double there which is really very fun i found i'll send you guys a video that isabel firman posted about like the making of of orphan first kill and and it that's where i saw the sparkly boots and she has like her little child doubles you can like see some of the there was a really cool shot where they show like a miniature of the house up in flames, which is really cool.

Because truly the whole house, just the most fire you've ever seen from an oven mitt. Yeah. OK, so everyone has to go around and say which one, which kill they prefer. If you have to be killed, which of these ways of being killed is your preference? Well, no. I choose the detective. I'll go first. I feel like it was quick for him. It was not quick at all.

He got stabbed a lot. He got stabbed so many times. Yeah, he was alive long enough to get... He killed a guy twice, basically. Okay. Her seemed quick. I would pick that, for sure. No, but then you have to do all that fighting beforehand.

Yeah, but she loved it. Well, you're including that? But she felt good about it. What do we consider the kill? I guess it's like everything, all the violence involved in the kill. Everything. Because I feel like I prefer Julia Stiles over the dad. Everything.

So everything. Because I feel like I prefer Julia Stiles over the dad. Yeah. Because the dad had to have the most horrifying realization of his life immediately before dying. Yeah, that's the worst. I'd rather be Julia and like know what's up. I also would like to die angry. And then die.

That's what I was just thinking is like. Yes. Julia's in the headspace for it. She's like fighting. She's fighting. Yeah. Absolutely. And the dad had to watch his wife die.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Realize his daughter is wife die yeah realize his daughter that his daughter was a fucking freak and then died did he know his son was dead did he know that at that point no i don't think he knew it but you know died i definitely wouldn't want gunner's death that little piece of shit yeah yeah not that one that's because he was probably still a little bit alive when he got stabbed with a broken sword a thousand times absolutely yeah yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got stabbed a lot. Okay, so maybe the first one. Maybe the guard in the beginning who gets his head smashed in and feeling so much less.

I don't know. I don't know. Henley! Julius is just one single smash. Henley, what are you drinking? Henley's just alone at Netflix fucking losing her mind. You've got Netflix've got netflix poisoning you're alone in that place too long well but you haven't had any ghosts or murder problems happen

so that's good we've survived yeah but i'll check in with you guys when i get home yeah let us know when you're home there was a point where it looked so dark where you are it was completely absolutely pitch black. I mean, it'll be 10pm before you leave that empty bathroom. It was scarier when someone walked through. You guys, I didn't say anything, but someone walked through the room and the lights came back on. The room you're in?

Well, it's like, there's like an opaque glass thing next to me. Oh, that's really scary. I hate opaque glass. Yeah, and someone walked through and Wow. I'm still here so I think we're good I'm impressed yeah that's very scary The only other thing I think That would be terrible is if a real goat showed up

And was insulted Oh a real goat And was like my culture is not your costume Possible That could happen It could happen it could happen let's not rule that out it's possible okay wait that

was so good it went by so fast thank you so much I hope so thank you I was really sweating it's hard to do I had no idea how much time I was going to take I had planned on wearing wearing makeup and shit, like I was going to be dead, Quint. Oh, wow.

And look, I've never done makeup like that before. And it got down to the wire. It's hard. That's not happening. I started this at noon and I was sweating. I was really stressed about time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a whole to-do.

And now Sammy has her whole night ahead of her and she looks like that too. That's right. It's 6.30 p.m. Sammy though, it's so good. I remember when you were talking about it and it's so good. It's perfect.

It's really perfect. It's a pretty fun costume. I feel proud. You should. You should. You should feel proud. We did it. We did it. We did it. We. You should feel proud. We did it. We did it.

We did it. We did it as a family. We did it. Wow. Wow. Thank you all for watching. Thank you, Paul, for joining us. I'm so thrilled to come back.

Thank you so much for having me. Thank you. Official correspondent now. She's an elite group of people. I could not be prouder. This is how much I love this show is that I'm missing the first few innings of the Phillies game.

Boy, you gotta go! I gotta get out of here! You gotta get out of here! We got places to be! Luckily, baseball is slow, so I haven't missed a time. That's true. There's plenty of time.

Wow. Well, I suppose we could do that. We could do Astros boys because of course. Well, before we go though, Paul, will you tell our listeners just one more time where they can find you and what you've got going on? You can find me at PF Tompkins on the socials.

I have shows in Brooklyn at the Bell House coming up next month. Varietopia, which is my variety show, which which Sammy and uh, Sammy and, uh, and, uh, and, uh, Emily have come to, um, it's great. It's great. Thank you so much. And I, I love the bell house and that's going to be November, uh, 18th and 19th. It's the week weekend before Thanksgiving. Um, so, uh, come on out.

Those shows are always a lot of fun, great guests. Um, and I can't wait. Amazing. November 18th and 19th. Mark your freaking calendar it's available at paulftompkins.com slash live there it is and hey everybody happy freaking halloween wow well Esther okay okay mommy I love you mommy um

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goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye Thank you, my friends, for listening to another episode of Too Scary Didn't Watch. If you had fun hanging with us, don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. We're also on Twitter and Instagram at TSDW Podcast. And if you're interested in things like bonus episodes, video trailer reactions, and other cool content, head on over to patreon.com slash TSTW podcast. All right. We love you all forever and ever, starting a while ago and continuing into eternity. Adios.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.