Too Scary; Didn't Watch - THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

Puppeteers, a cellar filled with a buttload of artifacts, and a vacation with friends rudely interrupted by a zombie redneck torture family - we're recapping Drew Goddard's 2012 film The Cabin in the Woods. Join us as we argue about two-way vs. one-way mirrors and learn another very important lesson - don't get shredded. Follow the show: @TSDWpodcast on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram. Check out our Patreon for bonus episodes and additional content! Rate Too Scary; Didn’t Watch 5 Stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Emily, Henley, and Sammy. Advertise on Too Scary; Didn't Watch via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is Emily, Henley, and Sammy, and you're listening to Too Scary, Didn't Watch. Hi everyone, welcome to Too Scary, Didn't Watch, the only horror movie recap podcast for those too scared to watch for themselves. I'm Emily, and I am too scared to watch for themselves. I'm Emily and I am too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Henley and I'm also too scared. One of the only people probably in the entire world

who's too scared to watch scary movies. A true original. I am Sammy and I love watching scary movies. Also, probably the only one. Probably the only one. Probably the only one that I've ever known.

The only one here, at least. Definitely the only one here. And we don't talk to anyone else. So as far as I know, you're literally the only one in the world. I think you're the only women in the world. The only women in the world. As far as I know, could be very true. Genius opening, you guys. We nailed it.

We fucking nailed it. Crushed it. What's up? What's up? I have a thing. What's your thing? I weighed bunk today. The fatter of my cats. Anyone want to

take a guess? Oh, he's like 150 pounds okay henley a realistic guess he's a cat okay i guess that he's okay first of all i would like to guess that his body weighs 65 pounds and his head weighs four pounds is that right um i think that bunk weighs 21 pounds okay yeah that's more realistic um a much more realistic guess bunk weighs 22.6 pounds that is really crazy how much are cats supposed to weigh i meant to google that before definitely less definitely less um our friend's dog weighs less i think toughy weighs 18 pounds for for all for all the listeners that know toughy so listeners for comparison to a dog you don't know um bunk weighs a lot i mabel weighs like 12 and she's also big yeah so that's my cat listeners who you also don't know yeah

we'll just compare him to other other animals in our personal lives um and to throw another one in the mix mac weighs 14 pounds my other cat whoa bunk weighs that much more than mac yeah and they are brothers and so i mean mac i don't know mac is a big cat and bunk is a huge cat bunk isn't even necessarily all that fat though he's just so big but it's getting to the point where now i think he needs to be on a diet so listeners this is a call for advice how do you put your cat on a diet yeah any tips would be appreciated but what about you guys what's up i don't think I have Anything that's up Emily can you go

Instead what's up with me What's up with Me not a lot Um you know I'm Telling into a home improvement project Oh aren't we all aren't we all And I'm feeling really Excited about it that's not interesting

At all but um I'm doing my I'm feeling really excited about it. That's not interesting at all. Tell us. I'm doing my kitchen. What about it? Everything I got. I went through a big phase like a year ago where I painted like every room in my apartment and I really went for it and I

redid a lot of things and I didn't do the kitchen because who really cares but I'm just here staring at it all the time So I got some faux Backsplash It's like 3D contact paper Situation yeah So I put up some backsplash

The other day it's looking really good I ordered some paint that's not here yet But I'm going to paint the cabinets I got some shelving that I'm going to put in. Really excited about it, but it's going to take like a long time for all the things to come in different, you know, delayed deliveries and

stuff. So it's a work in progress. I've been doing similar stuff. I think because we're all like trapped in our houses. It's like what can I change in here? Yeah. What must I adjust? What am I sick of looking at? Because I've been like doing that to my living room. I hate everything all of a sudden. Wait, that was the thing I wanted to talk about this week. Britney Spears burnt down her gym.

Well, did that happen this week? Well, yeah. Well, she posted a video. We learned about it this week where she just casually mentions in a video where she's in back in her home gym. And she's like, hey, guys, I haven't been in here a while because I burnt my gym down. And now I only have two pieces of equipment left. She said, I brought some candles in here and one thing led to another. One thing led to another. And unfortunately, I burned it down. Unless the thing is you knocked a candle down.

Yeah, I think the thing is she knocked over a candle. Okay, I did a deep dive on this, though, you guys. Okay. Okay, second point I want to bring up about Britney Spears. She posted a tweet in 2011 that said, I love vanilla candles, in all caps. And then a few years before that, she. Oh, my God. I'm making myself laugh so hard.

I can't talk. A few years before that, she burnt down her New York apartment. Oh, my God. What? How many fires has Britney Spears started? She can't have candles. She can't have candles then. I think it's just as sad as it is funny.

But she burned down her New York apartment because she left a candle in front of an air conditioner while she went shopping with a friend. Pretty! Oh, man. Guys, be careful out there. She's doing okay. Keep your candles attended attended don't leave those

don't leave those bad boys unattended do not put it in front of your air conditioner and then go shopping with a friend don't don't light a candle and then go shopping just don't do that probably oh boy um but let's talk about this week's movie let's talk about it okay Sammy what is this week's movie what is it I'll tell you it is the cabin in the woods it came out in 2012 sorry it is the cabin in the woods the cabin in the woods no I got that question as well

it is not stupid Henley because everyone calls it cabin in the woods it's the cabin in the woods do you guys have any thoughts on the or the both fly in my book Both fly in mine too and I can't tell Why sometimes I say the and sometimes I say the I think the is when you're

Emphasizing it it's the Cabin in the woods yes But when I say it I'd say the cabin In the woods right like go go to the cabin In the woods or oh the cabin In the woods that's there we go Exactly um directed By to the cabin in the woods or the cabin in the woods. That's exactly directed by Drew Drew Goddard

written by Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon starring Kristen Connelly, Fran Krantz, Chris Hemsworth, Jesse Williams, Anna Hutchinson, Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford. Oh baby cast.

This was like before the reign of Hemsworth, yes? Yes. I have some trivia about that. Hell yeah. This was, yeah, one of his first films. This was the winner of our first bracket of the teen horror movies. And I'm sorry, listeners. I feel like this isn't really technically a teen horror.

They're in college. And I blew it by categorizing it in here. I mean, the college are teens, essentially. I guess so. I mean, I don't know. It was our first bracket rodeo. Yeah, we're learning. We're learning.

And I think Cabin in the Woods is a is a good option no matter what. Yeah, this is when we were always going to have to do. And we'll revisit teen horror again. Don't worry. It's not like we're not going to do Scream. It's not like we're not going to. We are going to. Don't worry.

We're going to have a loser's bracket. Don't worry. I love teens. I love teens. I love. I get them. I like them. I felt good when I was one. All of it.

Wait, Henley. So you you have seen this movie. I hear. Yeah, I have. I when I came out when I was, I guess, a senior in college. I guess a senior in college. And I got, I went to college in a very small town in the middle of nowhere in Ohio.

And we went to see this in the movie theater. And beforehand we got incredibly stoned. So it was very, very, very, very, very, very stoned. And then we got to the movie theater and there was no one there except my political science professor and me and my friends.

And my political science professor was there with their like 16 year old or 15 year old child. Oh, no. And so it was like we all I had to interact with them, buying the ticket and then getting concessions. And then we sat near each other during the movie. The movie, I guess, you know, technically I was there, but I covered my ears and closed my eyes the entire time. I don't remember anything from the movie. Technically she was there, but she's never seen it. but she's never seen it.

Hi, everybody. It is cocktail hour. And this week's cocktail is a Monster Mash Margarita. This movie gets wild and crazy. And Bradley Whitford loves his tequila. So it seemed like a good fit. To make this drink, you'll need two ounces of tequila, four ounces of blood orange juice,

some simple syrup to taste, and an ounce of lime juice. You will combine ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice, shake until chilled, and pour over a glass of ice and garnish with a sprig of fresh rosemary and a slice of blood orange. Cheers. Okay, well, let's do some trivia. I've got some. Great. A lot of my trivia is focused on a particular character in the film named Marty, who is the stoner guy of the crew. And there's a scene where they all go in the lake. And apparently he's the only one who didn't go in the lake because he is absolutely shredded.

And they thought his body went against his character. And the director said he looked ripped like muscular Jesus. So they had to put him in baggy clothes throughout the whole movie because they felt like him being complete, like in such good shape, didn't fit with him being like a huge stoner. I have to look at this up. That's something you rarely hear in Hollywood. His name is Fran Krantz. And

he received stoner training. Wow. And he had a two-hour joint rolling session. Two hours? And a separate bong lighting session from separate consultants.

How do you get that job? Where do you look to hire an expert in that? It was just Seth Rogen. Ask him for a favor. Yeah, I'm also having a hard time coming to terms with this man being shredded. I must say.

Yeah. I did not know what you meant when you said absolutely shredded. I was like, his body was shredded to pieces by something. Yeah, they couldn't show that. They couldn't let him swim because his body was shredded. Oh my God. It would have been really distracting to show his shredded body i'm sorry everything's making me laugh too hard to cover him in baggy clothes

to hide his wounds and they cast a fully shredded man and realized their mistake too late i don't know what's wrong with me i can't stop laughing too hard uh oh i'm sorry listeners this is sorry listeners oh god i'm literally crying okay me as well oh god okay um but okay to circle back to the chris hemsworth where this fell in his career trajectory please this movie was actually filmed in 2009 and it was shelved for three years oh so this was kind of the first big thing that he did. I think he was in Star Trek before this. But the people who made Thor cast him from this. And so Thor came out before this, but he had filmed this before. Oh, interesting.

So he was very famous when this came out. I think he was like starting to get famous. Thor and this came out in the same he was like starting to get famous. Thor and this came out Thor and this came out in the same year. Big year. Big year. Yeah 2012 was a big year for Chris Hemsworth. I have a Chris Hemsworth trivia that is unrelated to this movie. Bring it on. I'd like to

hear it. Apparently before shooting scenes in Thor like if you have a lot of sugar it makes your veins bulge out in a crazy way. So before like big action sequences where he's all shirtless in Thor, he would like take a handful

of like gummy bears and just like pound a bunch of gummy bears so that his veins would be like jacked like crazy when he would shoot action sequences. That's great. Which is crazy. I love that. What a life. Another crazy thing is the script for this movie was written in three days. That's very crazy.

Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon got a hotel room and just pounded it out. That sounds like the wrong thing to say they did in a hotel room. I feel like that's what everyone, all writers think is what's going to happen when they are like, let's just get together. Let's just get in a room and we'll just write it. And let's just say first draft.

Writers out there, the script, the first draft was written in three days. They definitely did some edits. That's not the end of the story. That's not the end of the story. That's the Hollywood version of the story, baby. And one thing I read that is very

strange is that Drew Goddard, the director, was apparently incredibly uncomfortable filming one of the character's nude scenes, so much so that she had to comfort him and say, it's okay, you don't have to feel weird about me being naked classic fucking oh my god are you kidding me actors rights actors rights but also like excuse me that's some that is some bullshit to be like. I got pretty mad when I read that.

It's okay. You can look at me naked. Don't feel weird. No. Like we should not have to be comforting you about this, sir. That's not her job. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

You guys know that now it's the norm to have an intimacy coordinator on a production, which is a new position recently created in the last couple of years. Which is a very good idea. That's literally why. So that the person who is in the vulnerable situation doesn't have to be more vulnerable. Yeah. Yeah, like to feel like you must be in the position of comforting someone else in that set of circumstances.

I really hate that so much. Yeah, I'm not fond of it either. Not fond of it. And that's all I got. So on that note, should we watch the trailer? Oh my god, yes. What a note. Let's watch the trailer. Let's watch the trailer. I'm excited. Okay.

Everybody ready? Let's go on the road! It doesn't even show up on the GPS. It's unworthy of global positioning. That's the whole point. Get off the grid, right? The lambs have passed through the gate. They are come to the killing floor.

Let's get this party started! I seriously believe something weird is going on. What is that thing? We have to stay together. This isn't right. We should split up. Yeah, good idea. Really?

We gotta get out of here. Somebody sent those things here to get us. You're missing the point. You want to see us punished. Cool. Cool. I feel like I, so a thing that I do know about this movie that I thought was maybe a spoiler was

kind of in the trailer. So now I'm like, oh, maybe I don't know the deal with this movie. Maybe you don't. Do you guys want to guess how it ends? Do we want to shorten up our segment from last time? Just give me a few sentences about the end of the movie only.

Okay. The end of the movie is one of them survives. It's one of the women and they've been being recorded and it's a movie and they didn't know the whole time. I think...

Emily, if you get this right, I'm going to be pissed. Okay. Okay. Hold on. The movie ends. They were all inside a big simulation. Like in a snow globe or something. Like how the end of Krampus that zooms out that they were all in a snow globe.

Like they're not in the real... They think they're in the real world, but they're not. Okay. Okay. Well, there's definitely some weird thing going on with the barrier that you see in the trailer. The but they're not. There's definitely some weird thing going on with the barrier that you see in the trailer. Maybe they're going to find out right after one of them does

something that can't be taken back. Like an unforgivably insane action, and then it's like, just kidding! Ha ha, joke's on you. Or they're in a scientific lab being studied by other people. OK, like a focus group where people are watching them.

Yeah, it's a focus group on horror movies and they're trying to figure out what people respond to. That's fun. That is fun. OK, stop, because maybe we have to write one of these. Yeah, I was going to say. All right, let's do it. I'm excited. I'm fucking ready i used to love back to school shopping so much that i would tell my mom that i wanted to

work at staples when i grew up because i just loved getting all the things that i needed that i would use every day in class i still to this day have nightmares about showing up in class without notebooks or number two pencils. Really scary stuff. But luckily I wake up and I realize I don't actually need notebooks or number two pencils anymore. But this fall there is something that I will be using every day and would be terrified to be caught without. And that's Raycon's best selling everyday earbuds. I've been trying to go on walks every day and so I need earbuds that I can rely on to listen to all my favorite podcasts. And I know you guys listen to podcasts as well, so you know what I'm talking about. I got my Raycons in carbon black because that's my vibe,

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diapers and wipes. Go to hellobello.com slash too scary to get 30% off your first customized bundle and a full-size freebie product of your choice. That's hellobello.com slash too scary to start bundling with 30% off your first order. Don't forget, that's hellobello.com slash too scary. All right. So we start with two men in an office building getting coffee. This is Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford. Their characters' names are Sitterson and Hadley. Bradley is Hadley. Makes it easy. And Hadley's talking

about him and his wife, I guess, are having a baby and she's baby-proofing the whole apartment and he's getting so annoyed about it. She even baby-proofed the top cabinets. He's not going to be able to reach those until he's 30. Women are so stupid. Women are so stupid. Women are so dumb.

Um, then a woman walks up and her name is Lynn. She walks up and she says, Stockholm went south. That means it's just Japan and us. And they're like, relax, Lynn, Japan, Japan has a perfect record. You know, everything's going to be fine. And she seems to be really... I bet they're wrong. She seems to be very stressed about something and they're not. This is exciting because this is very different from anything that was in the trailer

so far. They're kind of walking down the hall, kind of brushing off Lynn, being like, yeah, yeah. We haven't had a glitch since 98. And whose fault was that? I think that was Kem's fault, right? Which department are you in again? Oh, that's right. Kem. And they get into their little golf cart thing and start driving away. And then Hadley's still rambling on about his wife. And Sitterson is not really paying attention and he says are you even listening to me right now

and then it goes boom cabin in the woods titled with such it's such a crazy jump scare and I remember in the theater like flying out of my seat because it's it's a very cheap jump scare but it's very funny because it's so

unexpected and I think honestly it's my favorite part of the whole movie so it's very funny because it's so unexpected. And I think, honestly, it's my favorite part of the whole movie, so it's all downhill from here. Oh, no. Let's just speed through it then, Sammy. Let's just get through it. It's right to the end. Opening credits, end. No, it's fun, but I think that is my favorite

part. I will say, I feel like, sorry, just to diversion a little bit, I feel like the way this movie is talked about, people are like, oh, it's a comedy that has horror elements. Like, it's not a scary movie. Trailer looked like a, I mean, it does look like a little more lighthearted, but it looks like

there's a lot of gnarly shit that happened. So, like, I'm not buying anyone who told me that oh, you can watch it. It's not really scary. It's funny. That's 100% the only reason why I even went to go see this movie. Right. It's because that's how it was sold to me. And it was, I found it scary from the beginning. Yes. I think that it is true that this is a horror movie for non-horror people. And I think it's why

it did so well is because you don't have to like horror to like this movie because it is so but it is a horror movie right like it is but it's also like everything's undercut with humor i'd say it's somewhere between a scary movie and a horror movie like scary movie the movie scary movie like a spoof and a horror movie right okay so okay main title and then we cut to our protagonist dana she is in her room packing for a trip in her underwear like you do kind of dancing around in her underwear i don't know why the underwear really stuck out for me because nobody does that we all do no i do it all everybody does everybody does as a woman yes yes. Me too. Her friend Jules pops up behind her. She's just dyed her hair blonde.

Dana says, oh, Kurt is about to have more fun. Kurt is. Yes, she's definitely about to have more fun. And she says, Kurt's going to love it. And Jules says, Kurt is bringing his friend Holden and he's cute. And I think you're going to like him. And Dana says, if you treat this like a setup, I'm not going to have any fun at all. Is Holden Chris Hemsworth?

Kurt is Chris Hemsworth. Holden is Jesse Williams. Is that his name? Yes. From Grey's Anatomy. And I remember when I saw this movie to put it in perspective, I wasn't like, oh, the Hemsworth I was like oh the movie with the guy from Grey's Anatomy he was the bigger star for me at the time so they're packing and um Jules is like you gotta bring this skimpy swimsuit for Holden and it goes to her suitcase and she's packed like astrophysics books and she's like well you're

not gonna have room for these if you've got to bring all these bathing suits and which way the same bathing suits and textbooks take up the same amount of space in your luggage she's just got a bunch of textbooks in her bags and she's like well what if I get bored? And anyways, so we're setting her up as the nerd and the other one up as... Hold on. Okay. Who's the nerd? So who's the astrophysics? Dana.

And her friend is named what? Jules. Dana is with Kurt? No. Sorry. Jules is with Kurt. Blonde girl's with Kurt. Kurt is Chris Hemsworth.

Dana is single in her underwear. An astrophysics dork. An astrophysics dork that's just hanging out in her room in her underwear. And then Holden is Kurt's friend, who we haven't met yet. But Kurt strolls in and nothing really happens. He sees her in her underwear and is like, you're in your underwear. She gets all embarrassed. And they really happens. He sees her in her underwear and is like, you're in your underwear. She gets all embarrassed. And they go downstairs. They start loading up the RV with all of their bags of stuff. Then we meet Holden and they're waiting for Marty, the stoner guy.

And Marty pulls up in a station wagon with a thermos bong in his mouth so his car is like hot boxed with smoke with just a little thermos hanging out of his mouth and they're all rolling their eyes. Marty! Marty! Go to the hospital, get some stitches. I'm absolutely

shredded. So shredded, Marty. Yeah, this is when I knew it was going to be a horror movie. This man is oh my god, just so shredded you wouldn't believe. Horrifying. So he steps out. He's got his big thermos bong which is like

four feet long and it can collapse into a regular thermos size. Wait, is he supposed to be attached to someone? Like, is he friends with someone specifically, or is he just like generally? They're all friends. Holden seems to be the only kind of new one. Holden is Kurt's friend, but the other three know each other. And they're all like, what year?

Do we know what year they are in college? I think they do say and I can't remember. I think, yeah, they're in college. I don't know. They're in college. Okay. And is this like a spring break or a summer situation? Does it matter? I think it's summer. He says, Kurt says something to Marty like,

are you trying to get us arrested before we get to my cousin's cabin? So they're going to his cousin's cabin for some sort of vacation. Some fun time. And it's going to be a fun time. Don't worry about it. Guaranteed. That's good to know that it's a relative's cabin.

It's not an unknown cabin that they're just renting. Yeah, I had some questions about that. Because it's secretly a focus group simulation and it's weird that it was in the family snow globe one of those two things definitely

your classic snow globe simulation plot we've all seen it before honestly cut to the end so the RV they all pile in the RV they head out the camera pull pans up to you know see the skyline and we see the roof of the house where kind of police looking man is on the roof with a little earpiece and he says into the earpiece uh the nest is empty. We are right on time. We are right on schedule. This is Dana's house?

Yes. Okay, so there is some kind of surveillance going on. And now we're back to Citizen and Hadley in this office. It looks kind of like it's like an underground office and

they go into kind of like a dark control room with a lot of TV screens and stuff. And we meet this security guard guy named Truman, who takes his job very seriously and he's kind of humorless. And Citizen and Hadley are all like, hey, Truman, like they're goofy and having fun and not taking anything seriously and truman's very much like here to do a job that's the dynamic there then we go back to our main crew um stopping for gas at a very creepy looking reminiscent of the texas chainsaw massacre gas station scene where this guy comes out who's so creepy and they're saying we're looking for tillerman road and he's like oh i can get you there getting back that'll be your concern like that'll be on you don't know why you want to go out there just very ominous and foreboding and they're kind of like okay whatever crazy guy and they don't care so they get gas and move move on uh they drive for a while

they're winding through the forest they get to this part of the road where they have to go through a tunnel the road is basically in like a u-shape where the tunnel is on one side of the road, like on the end of the U. And so when they come out the other side, the two sides of the road are like paralleled to each other. So you can see across it. And we see this hawk flying and it crashes into a basically force field. So they've crossed onto the other side of this force field through this tunnel okay wow we don't know what it means um then they arrive at an evil dead lookalike cabin and it's very creepy they go in and kind of choose their rooms. Dana and Holden choose rooms next to each other.

Holden goes into his room and there's a very creepy painting on his wall. And so he takes it off. And then there's a one-way mirror. Would you call that a one-way mirror or a two-way mirror? I think you call it a two-way mirror. But one way is a mirror. But one way is a mirror. Yes. And one way is a window.

Yes. Two-way window, two-way mirror. I thought it's a one-way mirror. I thought that was the term. But all mirrors are a one-way mirror. Well, I just feel like don't they call it a one-way mirror? Like, even though you're right, Emily, technically, all mirrors are one-way. I wrote two-way mirror

and then I scratched it into one-way mirror and I still don't know. But you guys know what I mean and that's all that matters. I'm looking it up. Emily, are you Googling it? Okay, so in the first thing that came up, I searched two-way mirror and the first sentence, two-way mirror in parentheses, one-way mirror.

Oh my God, a two-way mirror also known as a one- mirror, is reflected from one side and transparent from the other. I mean, I guess it makes sense because it does kind of feel like it could be either. It could be either. This tracks. I feel like it's referred to as a one-way mirror. Am I crazy? That's what people call it. A two-way mirror is often referred to as a one-way mirror.

This is insane. I feel like we're in the Matrix and this is a crazy glitch where they just didn't decide and so it all overlaps. That's really funny. Someone needs to make a fucking decision about this ASAP. It's like the Mandela principle or whatever. And then there's a Wikipedia page on one way mirrors. The first sentence of which is a one way mirror, also called two way mirror.

Let's fucking decide, people. Wow. To me, one way mirror sounds correct. I think it's one way mirror because the main thing about it is that one person doesn't know what's happening. But it's a two wayway mirror because it is used two ways. One way is glass. One way is a mirror. I see what you're saying, but also their way is a dead end, you know?

Like, theirs is only for them. It's not two equal ways. It's not two mirrors. I hear what you're saying, but it also is called a two-way mirror. There's no denying that. It's on two separate Wikipedia pages. Listeners! Yeah, write in.

Write in. Call in. We gotta take a poll. We gotta take a poll. We're gonna take a poll. It's one way. It's one-way mirror. But it is also two-way mirror. It's both. Okay, so... Anyway, what's happening?

So he's taken off this painting and discovered this one to two way mirror and dana is on the other side of it checking her makeup looking into it and he's like whoa crazy one of these and um then she starts getting undressed she's changing and he kind of for a moment doesn't know what to do he's about to go tell her and then he can't help himself and he starts to watch her for a little bit um and then she starts to like really unbutton her clothing and he's like okay okay i can't and like bangs on the wall he He's like, stop, stop. Brings her in to show her. And they all gather around and are like, whoa, this is weird. Why is this in here? They're perplexed, shall we say. But not like totally freaked out.

Not totally freaked out. But then Holden says to Dana, I'll switch rooms with you. If that will, like, I bet it will make you feel better if we just switch rooms. I don't want you to have to be on that side of the glass. And she says, yeah, thank you. That would make me feel a lot better. They switch rooms and then the screen changes to kind of a video looking thing. And we pull out to see that they're all on security cameras. And we're back in the control room with citizen and Hadley.

Hadley says, we got a, we got a room change. We need, um, we need a scenario adjustment. Lynn walks back in and says, we got blood work back on Loudon and recommend a 50 milligram bump in rehyptase to increase her libido.

What? Yikes. Maybe I had subconsciously remembered some of this because I felt like I did remember them being, there being surveillance. I feel like I remember hearing like that was a spoiler. It's like, then they're in, but they get

to it really quick, so. Yeah, it's right off the bat and it's supposed to, I just be kind of confusing you're not sure why yeah you know what but you don't know why we're gonna find out oh thank god i'll be pissed if we didn't same uh then we see the gang i'm gonna call them the gang i like that it's good it's like always sunny type. Yeah, the gang. The gang. They're at the lake in front of the cabin. Dana and this is where Marty couldn't get in the lake because he was too short. We're there. So Dana and Holden are in the lake. Not shredded. Not shredded.

Not shredded at all. And they're all having fun is the main thing that's happening in this scene. We're goofing around. We're horsing around. Excuse me. Kurt's pushing Jules in the water. Then we pan back into the control room. It's monitoring all their vitals, their heart rate their temperature their blood pressure

so they're all up on a screen and then in the control room there's a bunch of people in there now and citizen is yelling okay like last call for your bets take your get like give me your money what bets do you want and hadley's like did you see who engineering picked? Like, they're basically giving their money away. And Citizen says, you should talk, Aquaman. And Hadley looks very offended. He's like, hey, come on.

Say what you mean! I'm so mad! And then Lynn is talking. I hate not knowing what's going on in a movie. I really did have a thought the other day when I was watching a TV show. I was like, the best part about watching a TV show and not being one of the characters in it is that you get to know all the secrets. You know everything that they don't know.

But not now. And I'm mad. No, you don't know. I want to know. But not now, and I'm mad. No, you don't know. I want to know. This is just making me laugh, because in my notes I wrote,

Lynn talks to Tucker, and his name is Truman, and I just like that I just decided for one note that his name was Tucker. His name is Tucker. Lynn talks to Truman, and Truman is the very serious security guy, and he's looking kind of disturbed, and he says, how can you wager when you control the outcome and hadley and citizen step in they say we don't control the outcome we guide them but they have to make choices of their own free will and so they're having fun they're placing their bets lynn places bet. She looks a little embarrassed to do it in front of Truman, who is clearly morally opposed to whatever is going on here.

And then Hadley says, let's get this party started and cracks a beer. And we cut to Kurt saying, also, let's get this party started in the cabin. It's nighttime. They're getting drunk now. Dancing, music playing. Remember that. They're playing some Truth or Dare. Oh, man.

Do you ever? Do I remember that? Getting that party started. Do you remember getting the party started? From the windows to the walls. Those were the days. Those were the days.

That's the only song we ever listened to. Oh, yeah. They're playing truth or dare. They dare Jules to make out with a wolf head hanging on the wall. It's gross and sexual. She makes out with the wolf head hanging on the wall it's like gross and sexual so she makes out with the the wolf very aggressively and then it's dana's turn and kurt cuts in and says truth for dana and dana says what do you mean and he says well i'm just skipping ahead because usually you pick

dare and then you're too scared to do the dare. And so then you change your mind and you do truth. So I'm just skipping all of that because I know you're going to pick truth, which is a pointed attack. Clearly they played truth or dare a lot. Yeah, a big college game. For a small group of close

friends. Truth or dare is like so brimming with like, God, I just want to fuck everybody. That's like what Truth or Dare always is. I feel like if that wasn't the vibe of your friend group, you didn't actually play Truth or Dare.

It's like the horniest game there ever was. Anyway, that's my thoughts on Truth or Dare. Too horny. Because Dana feels attacked, she goes, fine, dare. And just as she says dare, guess what? The cellar door explodes open. Big jump scare.

And Kurt jumps up and says, oh, my God, the wind must have blown it open. And Marty is like, what kind of sense does that make? The wind from the ground? That doesn't make any sense. And so then Jules says, Dana, I dare you to go down there and check it out. And now because she's feeling extra challenged and like she cannot change her mind and say truth, she goes down. You always can, Dana. You can always change your mind although

this is the one situation where i kind of am okay with her going down only because of the context that was given i hate when people are just willy willy nilly going down into the basement right this is going up into the matter of pride there's yeah there's some motivation we understand this choice we don't agree with it, but we understand it. But pretty quickly, they kind of all follow. She goes down and she's like, guys, it's crazy down here. So they pretty quickly all follow her down there anyways. Marty, meanwhile, is saying, why are we going down here?

We should not be going down here. This is very creepy. I don't like this. They're all going down? I thought they just dared her to go down. Yeah, but I don't know. They all got curious. That I don't agree with. So there's

like I wrote in my notes, there's a buttload of artifacts. Like the evil dead. Yes, it's like that. Like everything looks like something you would summon something with so it's and the music is really playing too it's like rising strings like each thing kind of adding some uh suspense to the moment so chris hemsworth picks up a conch shell and like puts it to his lips and we're cutting between that.

And Jules is holding kind of a antique looking necklace and is like about to put that over her head. And then Dana is holding a diary, like an old creepy diary and flipping through the pages. a diary like an old creepy diary and flipping through the pages and then chris hemsworth puts down the conch and picks up this creepy kind of it looks like a razor blade ball rubik's cube i can know how to describe it um where you're it's almost like a puzzle sphere thing and he's put and so it's like pushing in on each thing cutting back and forth between each of them being like they each have a thing and then dana says guys listen to this and they each put down their respective thing and she starts reading from the diary and marty meanwhile is saying don't read from the diary what are you doing don't read from the diary. What are you doing? Don't read that. And she says, there's some Latin here. And Marty says, well, don't read the Latin.

And then a whisper from the sky says. That's really funny. A whisper says, read it. And nobody hears it but Marty. And Marty's like, what? What? Did you guys hear that and it says read it out loud and marty's like please don't read it and she reads it and just as she finishes reading it we see outside a hand burst out from the ground like a zombie hand and four zombie looking people come out of the ground a big scary guy with a like bear trap on a chain and a more regular

looking man with just a knife and then there's a woman and a little girl, one armed zombie with an ax. Hate that on like a summer break, you know, on a summer break. We cut back to the control room. Citizen yells out, we have a winner.

The Buckner's congrats to maintenance. And a woman walks up and says that's not fair I had zombies too and Citizen says yes you had zombies this is zombie redneck torture family they're two completely different things

that's like an elephant versus an elephant seal he's mansplaining horror to her. Exactly. That's what our podcast could be. Let's get him on the pod, yeah. Hadley is looking really upset.

Citizen comes up to him and he says, I'm sorry, man. Sorry it didn't work out. And Hadley says he had the conch in his hands. I'm never going to see a merman. But everyone's pretty excited in this control room place. And they say, should we tell Japan to take the weekend off? Like, we got it in the bag.

Like, everything's going well over here. And then we see hubris. We see a monitor. here and then we see hubris we see a monitor we see a little girl's classroom like a like a first grade children's classroom in japan all girls and a crazy ghost demon-y thing haunting them all these girls screaming crying running this is what's going on in Kyoto. What? And then we cut back to Kurt and Jules going out into the woods. At night? At night for sex.

Wait, have they seen, they haven't seen any of these scary characters yet? No. Oh, okay. Sorry. I was a little confused. I thought, I thought at first that they were. Only we have seen it. Attacking them. Only we have seen them.

Got it, got it. This is where it's good to be the audience because you know the secret. This is what Emily was talking about. We know the secrets. Yeah. So Kurt and Jules go out into the woods. We see some kind of spray coming out from the ground as they're kind of in the control room moving little knobs. And then Marty back in the house says something like, you know, something

weird is going on. Oh, he's talking to Dana. Says something weird is going on. Fucking puppeteers. Puppeteers or something. And then she says, puppeteers? What are you talking about? And he says, Pop-Tarts? Do you have Pop-Tarts? And she's like, Marty, you're so high. Like, you need to just chill. Then Dana and Holden are on the couch and flirting. Holden says, is it crazy that I'm actually having kind of a nice time? Then Kurt and Jules are out in the woods and we see the entire control room filled with people because this is the sexy scene of the movie. And so everyone that works in this building is filed into this control room where they can watch them. She says, oh, you know, it's too it's too cold out here.

And they adjust. They say, we need some temperature control. Adjust the temperature. And she says, oh, it's so dark. I don't know. We can't do anything out here. It's too dark. They turn the moon to like a full moon. So the sky is lighter all of a sudden. And he says engaging pheromone mists. Dana and Holden are like making out on the couch. Oh, there you go. It's getting a little hot and heavy. Is Marty in the room while they're just making out?

Marty's in his room. No, he's he's in his room because he decided he was too high. And he said he's going to go read a picture book. Okay. Back to Curtain Jewels in the woods. She's taken her top off. And he's laid her down on the ground. So he is on top of her.

Her hand is stretched out in the mossy ground behind her. And we see her gripping the moss. And then a knife stabs through her hand and she obviously starts screaming. Oh no. And jumps up one of the zombie guys. Kurt lunges at him, knocks him over, but then that zombie guy stabs him in the back,

stabs Kurt in the back and Jules is screaming and then the big guy with the bear trap on a chain. It's basically like a lasso bear trap. Yuck. He's twirling it like he's about to throw it like a lasso and Kurt has stumbled and fallen

and Jules screams Kurt and runs and like dives in the way and so the bear trap clasps onto her back and drags her so she's being pulled from a bear

trap torn into her skin and her back. Talk about shredded. So shredded. She's about to get so shredded you guys. Oh no. It shouldn't be seen on camera. She should get some bag, you guys. Oh, no. No, it shouldn't be seen on camera. She should get some baggy clothes stat.

This is a double standard. Give that girl some cargo shorts. Then the other zombie people come out of the woods with a rusty saw. And then they slit her throat oh no and in the control go back to the control room citizen and um hadley have a little moment of silence and they stand up and go and pull a lever on the wall and kind of crank something. And this blood looking substance pours into kind of a carving in the wall.

Are they sacrifices for something? Maybe, Henley. They might be. We don't know yet. Marty's in his room reading a picture book and the whisper like before comes from nowhere and says I'm gonna go for a walk and he says hey

I swear I hear somebody talking who is that I'm not a puppet I am not a puppet you don't control me I think I'm gonna go for a walk though silly very silly and then passes by a walk though. Silly. Very silly. And then passes by

Dana and Holden who are making out goes outside and he is peeing outside and you see the little girl zombie coming up behind him he's not noticing she's kind of slowly approaching

and then as she gets kind of close kurt pops out and grabs him running from for the door he's like get inside get inside get inside she's fucking coming and then she like is close and kurt just like punches the little girl in the face they make it inside he he like, slams the door behind him. He's covered in blood. Jules and, or I mean, excuse me, Dana and Holden pop up. Dana says, is this all your blood?

Like what the fuck is going on? Where's Jules? He says, Jules, Jules is gone. Jules is gone. We need to fucking figure out how to get out of here. And she says, no no I'm not leaving without Jules goes to open the front door they say don't open that door don't open

that door opens it big guy is there bear trap guy bear trap guy and he has Jules head in his hand and throws it at Dana who catches it and great reflexes and screams throws it on the ground

and then they run to struggle to close the door but they get it closed again he doesn't make it in she says what are we doing what do we what should we do kurt kind of takes control, says, you know, we got to be smart about this. We'll stick together. We got to go room by room and barricade all the doors and windows. And then we cut to control room and Hadley. And he just goes, fuck. Citizen says, calm down. Watch a master at work.

And turns a little knob. Some mist comes from the vents in the house. It sprays right into Kurt's face. And he turns around back to the group and says, wait, something's not right. We should split up. We could cover more ground if we split up. And Holden's like, yeah, you're right. We should split up. And Marty says, really? What? What are you talking about? Marty is stressed.

And just then something shatters a window and is like coming inside. Kurt yells, everybody in your rooms, which is like an insane thing to yell. They all separate and run into their separate rooms. I guess that's the point is he's saying not the right thing now. Yeah, what was sprayed in their faces? I guess just a fucking pheromone that makes you do stupid shit. Yeah, I don't think a real thing. Not a real thing.

So they each run into their rooms and Hadley says, lock it down. And steel walls kind of drop down locking them each into their own room in the commotion Marty's running and stumbling and he shatters a lamp and in the lamp he finds a wire and is looking at it and he's like, what the fuck? Like, I knew it. I knew it. And he's pulling it. And it's like in the walls. He's pulling it. And he's like, fucking puppeteers. Like, I knew it.

I knew it. And is like staring into it. And then we see from the control room perspective, like the camera of him looking into a camera. And Hadley says, fuck, goddammit damn it god damn it this is bad and citterson says well judah buckner to the rescue and we see that one of the zombie guys is approaching his room and he is leaning towards the window judah buckner's hands blast through the window and grab him, pull him out. And he's got his, Judah Buckner has his knife and he stabs Marty in the back. Marty falls over, but then gets back up and flings his thermos bong into a weapon, basically,

and hits him over the head with it get your classic bong fight we've all been there classic but he is still bested by judah who stabs him again and basically grabs him and drags him into the into his grave and pulls him down there and we just see a big like spurt of blood and then so he's dead and then cut to hadley pulls the second lever we see blood pouring down into a different shape and there starts to be an earthquake and we see that it is happening in both the control room and the cabin and so they're all kind of holding on like whoa that's interesting hadley says oh they must be getting excited downstairs and dana and holden are locked into their rooms next door to each other but they've got the one to two way mirror. So they smash that and

one of them goes through the other one's side. They find another little trap door to the basement. They jump down there. There's nobody down there. So they're kind of regrouping and Holden's like, okay, we just got to find a way out. We're going to be fine.

And then from the hole that they just jumped down from a bear claw comes down and grabs Holden from the back, pulls him up. A bear claw or the bear trap? The bear trap. Bear claw.

Okay. I was like, now there's a bear? Excuse me. No, I'm sorry. Bear trap. The big zombie guy guys like hanging upside down into the into the opening and dana screams do you like pain and stabs him with a fire poker i think classic if you we should all have fire pokers on hand Because my god they come in handy Yeah it sure did Do these guys look obviously like zombies?

Yes I'd say They're a little um Wetter than zombies Ew They all have like wet hair Which is gross So she stabs him

He goes limp and then he comes back to life and is grabbing at her and she grabs another knife and stabs him like a hundred times over and over and over the holden has gotten holden free from the bear trap and then kurt pops out from another room in the basement he's like we gotta go come on i found a way out they get out they go to the rv they pile in the rv and she says wait what about marty kurt says they got marty marty's gone and but they get in the r RV and they start driving away. And then we go back to Kyoto, Japan, and we see the classroom of little nine year old girls. And now when you say nine, they could be 20. No, they say that they're nine. And that's the only reason that I know.

OK. I probably would have guessed younger. I probably would have guessed younger. They're all holding hands around the little ghost and singing a little song like a seance type thing. And the ghost is screaming and getting smaller and smaller and then goes into the body of a frog. And one of the little girls holds the frog and says now the ghost will live happily in this frog body and so the little girls have defeated this ghost and then we cut to um citizen watching this on his monitor and then pointing at each of the little girls saying fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you wow perfect record japan perfect record how hard

is it to kill fucking nine-year-olds why i know that they're nine um and lynn walks in and says zero fatalities total loss if the ancients rise we and they cut her off and um they're like we got a problem and she says what's the problem and they're like get out got a problem. And she says, what's the problem? And they're like, get out of here. Nothing. Don't worry about it. Get out. And so she leaves and they notice that because they're in the RV driving and the tunnel that they have to go through is open. And so they're freaking out and they're like, the tunnel's open. Why wasn't that tunnel blown yet? That tunnel was supposed to be blown hours ago. Like this exit should not be open. And so they're freaking out and they're like, the tunnel's open. Why wasn't that tunnel blown yet? That tunnel was supposed to be blown hours ago. Like this exit should not be open. And so they run down to the engineering department and they're like, we didn't get the signal. We didn't get the signal. There was a glitch. Something happened. And they're like, well, between our gang and the engineering team. And they're just getting into the tunnel when they press the button to collapse it.

And so then they reverse out of the tunnel quickly and make it all the way out before the whole tunnel collapses. So now that escape route is donezo. They're kind of like, fuck, what do we do now? And they have Chris Hemsworth's little motorcycle on the RV. The way that the road is laid out is that there's two sides of the road kind of over a gorge. It's a U-shaped road. So he's trying to jump from one side of the U to the other on his motorcycle, basically. He's like, this is the only way out.

I've done bigger jumps on my motorcycle before. Hell yeah. This is Chris Hemsworth. This is Chris Hemsworth we're talking about. Of course he's done bigger jumps on his motorcycle. Of course he's done bigger jumps on his motorcycle of course he's done bigger jumps and he says I'm gonna he gives a big inspirational speech where he's like

I'm gonna bring back help and they're like alright she gives him a little kiss on the cheek bye bye Kurt like okay great and he gets his running start revs up the engine and we get a little slow-mo jump

and he slams right into that force field. We saw it in the beginning. There's a force field there. And he hits it at full speed and smashes and falls down a very long fall and dies.

Oh, he's dead. He's big time dead. And did they see that he hit an invisible barrier? Yes, and Dana catches on and Holden less so. Holden is quickly

like, we gotta get back in the RV. Get back in the RV. And he turns it around and starts driving back towards the school, find another way out. And she's like around and starts driving back towards us. We'll find another way out. And she's like, you don't understand. Marty was right. And the puppeteers. And he's like, no, we'll find it. There's got to be another way out. She's like, there's not going to be another way out. And he's like, well, we'll just drive through the woods then off road. She's like, it doesn't matter. it's gonna something will happen something will collapse

something is going on and it's not gonna work and he's like i need you to stay calm you're the only person that i've got right now and as he's saying that a knife slices through his throat from the back seat of the rv oh you hate to see it as they say and he swerves and the rv crashes into the lake uh dana gets out busts a window swims out of course get the the zombie grabbing her ankle she kicks it makes her way to the surface of the water. And then as she emerges from the water, we see beers being opened at the control room and they are celebrating. He says, photo fucking finish. Hell yeah. And Truman is very confused and says, why are you celebrating?

It's not over yet. And Hadley explains the Virgin's death is optional. All that matters is that the other four die. And so they're watching her on the monitors. She pulls herself onto the dock of the lake. Music starts playing. They're dancing. They're celebrating. and so all of this is kind of uh happening with in the background now we see the big guy with the bear trap coming for her that's happening silently in the background as they're all partying and what a fun place to work right yeah what's the interview process i wonder what their work from home culture is like right now oh I know that must be tough to do remotely yeah tough work from home

environment yeah it's like how comfortable are you with seeing innocent people being murdered well and betting on it one of the trivias that I read is that Drew Goddard partially was inspired by I guess he grew up in I think some part of Arizona

where they were building nuclear weapons and he always thought it was so interesting to see his neighbors like going to work on nuclear weapons like it was just like totally fine and not at all morally questionable that makes a lot of sense um so they're all partying while dana's being attacked and the engineering guys come in and um Citruson says some like backhanded thing to them like you guys almost fucked that up for us but ha ha you didn't it's fine and they're like there was a glitch like we didn't do anything we didn't get the signal and he's like it's fine I'm just giving you a hard time. And they're like, no, like you don't get it. We didn't get the signal. There was a glitch. Someone from upstairs overrode the controls. And he's like, what do you mean someone from upstairs? And just then, a like ominous looking

red phone starts ringing. And Hadley says, turn off the music. Everyone gets quiet and he answers the phone and says, no, what do you mean? That's impossible. Everything went according to plan. No, no, it's just the virgin left. What do you mean? Which one? And then we cut back to the dock and Dana is still being attacked and the big zombie guy twirling his bear trap. I was going to say claw again. Twirling his bear trap and a thermos bong come up and stop it so it all wraps around the thermos bong

and he can't throw his bear trap that like flings him and we see Marty is still alive and how did his blood drain into a cavity in the zone seems like a glitch to me I don't think it's well

I have some theories I guess I didn't think I mean how does anyone's blood live outside their body to begin with? Yeah, I don't think that it's their blood. I think it's more of a symbol. It's a symbol. Symbolic blood. Oh, so Dana, as Marty's kind of snuck up on this guy,

Dana pulls a board of like a plank of wood from the dock, smacks the guy over the head, knocking him into the water. And then Dana and Marty just make a run for it. Marty jumps into the grave that the people came out of. And Dana's very freaked out. They jump in and it's a big concrete room with the chopped up body of the zombie that dragged Marty away. So we see he's kind of opened a little control panel with wires and pressing little wires together. He's like, I figured it out. I figured it out. This is an elevator and somebody sent those things up here to us. And I think I can get it to go down. And she sent those things up here to us. And I think I can get it to go down.

And she says, do we want to go down? And he says, where else are we going to go? So this is a movie about how smoking weed opens up all the secrets of the universe. More than you even know, because they even left out a part where lynn the like um scientist at the headquarters says that whatever he's been smoking has making it make made him immune to all of our like pheromones and shit that they're spraying at him so funny so yeah smoke weed everybody and also incredibly stupid. So then they hop into this elevator and when they open the elevator door from above, all of the chopped up body parts of the zombie fall in to the elevator also. They hop down there.

They press some buttons. They don't know where they're going, but they go on a little elevator ride and it's a glass walled elevator and it goes down for a bit and then stops at kind of a black room. They're looking through the glass wall at just a black room. She's getting closer, inspecting what's in here. So is the idea that Marty is the glitch yes right so marty was playing with the wires and that's why they didn't get the signal to to to bear upstairs that makes sense yes so the the whole control room is below them and so now they're going down in the elevator and so she's looking through this glass into this room and a werewolf lunges out at her and um but there's a glass there's glass between them and so it's just growling and snarling at the window then the elevator keeps moving they go to another room there's a man with a razor blade head like round razor blades in his head,

and holding a little razor blade ball that looks like the one from the beginning. And Dana's looking at it, recognizing it from earlier. And on the other side of the elevator, Marty is looking at a little ballerina girl who's facing the wall. And the ballerina girl turns around and her face is all teeth like round holes of teeth she has no face it's just nasty teeth dana recognizes the little ball razor thing and says we chose they made us choose how we die. And she's putting it together that they basically conjured the zombie family by reading the Latin phrase.

And she starts screaming and pounding on the glass. She's very angry. Then the camera pulls back to reveal like a hundred different glass boxes kind of shifting and moving around each with a different monster slash nightmare looking thing inside. Oh, that's cool. Now the control room, they're really freaking out. Did they see that they've gone down to the elevator? Yes.

And they're mostly just freaking out that Marty is alive. He needs to die for this to be done. Marty is alive. He needs to die for this to be done. And so the elevator door opens. A security guy with a gun is there screaming at them like, the girl needs to come with me. The girl comes with me. And as he's getting in their face,

the zombie arm grabs his ankle and trips him. So he falls and they're able to grab his gun away from him and shoot him. So now they have a gun and a knife and they get out of the elevator. They're going down the hall. Then they hear a woman's voice over a PA saying, you shouldn't be here. This was supposed to be over a long time ago. What's happening to you is part of something bigger. You've seen horrible things, but they're nothing compared to what lies below. It is our task to placate the ancient ones and yours to

be offered up to them. So they're like running down a hallway, trying to find their way out. And then they're being pursued by a bunch of men with guns. They turn a corner into an elevator lobby-looking room that has 10 different elevator doors. And then in the front of that room is a security room with bulletproof glass, where the security guard would be basically so they lock themselves in this security room and all these like soldier looking guys come running in and they're like unloading bullets onto the glass but it's bulletproof and they're crouching down and dana sees she figures out that she can basically route the monsters to come out of these elevator doors

hell yeah and you hear the elevator ding all the doors open and crazy shit lunges out from every direction we see a flying little satan looking man we see a crazy

robot that's basically made of blades um we see a dragon it's just insanity and all this whole real monster mash monster mash it's just mayhem and madness and a real bloodbath and all these soldiers really really die and then we're in the control room with citizen and hadley and they've got their guns they're freaking out truman is holding his position at the door requesting reinforcements code black code black and then the power goes out but we're seeing craziness happening all over this building there's a unicorn impaling people oh my god there's a clown stabbing people just every nightmare you can think of and there's a few rounds of things coming out of the elevator.

And then there's one final round where only one door opens. And the last thing to come out is the little Buckner girl, the one-armed zombie from before with her axe. And this like group of scarecrow people get into the control room where every where our other main characters are they're grabbing truman and basically pulling him apart disembowel disemboweling him and while he's being oh no while he's being disemboweled, he finds a grenade, basically blows all of them up. And so he saves Hadley and Citizen and Lynn are the other three people in this room. But they all, from the force of the explosion, are flung back. We follow Hadley as he's flung and he hits a wall and falls down and he's dazed and he's looking. It's all cloudy and smoky and he hears something coming and this noise and he's looking through the smoke.

He can't see what it is. It's kind of a floppy, weird noise. And it gets closer and we see that it is a merman a merman finally he gets to see one it crawls closer to him and opens its mouth real big it's got a lot of crazy teeth and an enormous mouth, clamps down, eats him, and blows his blood out of his blowhole. What? Are mermen... Has there been another horror movie that has featured mermen?

I don't... It's a new concept. I mean, I would guess yes. Obviously, The Lighthouse featured a mermaid. Yes. But there hasn't been a horror movie with mermen, right? Not often. Not a major player in the horror genre. We don't see them often, that's for sure. They are scary, though.

This one certainly is. And sexy. This one's just straight up scary. So sexy. I don't know, Sammy, you made it sound pretty sexy. This one's no Jason Momoa. Okay, so now all that's left is Lynn and Citizen, and Citizen punches in some numbers, gets this little trap door open.

Come on, come on. And a huge tentacle bursts down through the ceiling, grabs Lynn, pulls her up. So now it's only Citizen. Citizen jumps in. He's running down a hallway, running his way out, turns a corner and stabbed through the chest by Dana. And looks at her. And Marty is there too and he says it's you and he kind of slumps down on the wall. Citizen just says to her please kill him and she looks confused and just they leave him and they keep running down a hall and they make their, they're going down and they make their way into kind of Egyptian looking tomb where there's these outlines on the wall that are kind of what we had seen before that the blood was pouring into when they pulled the levers.

And they're outlines of people. And Dana says, it's us. This is like some sort of ritual. We're a sacrifice. And we're looking at each of the drawings. There's kind of a slutty looking one. A virginal looking one. An athletic one.

And a jester one. And a scholar. And then, guess who strolls in? Kurt. You'll never guess. No, that would be a big twist, too. It's Sigourney Weaver. Whoa. I was not

going to guess her. I wasn't going to guess her. Nope, nope, nope. She is the voice that we heard over the PA. She's got a great voice. She does have a good voice. And Dana basically said, what are we being punished for? And she says, you're being punished for being young.

And she says, it's different in every culture, but it always has something to do with youth. This is how we do it here. There's five of you, the whore. She has to be killed first because she is, I don't know, sinned or whatever. Then the athlete,

the scholar, and the fool, doesn't matter what order they're killed in. Then there's the virgin. She can live or die, whatever fate decides, but this is the sacrifice that we have to make. And if we don't pull it off, the ancient ones will rise. And now all other rituals have failed. The sun comes up in eight minutes. And if you, meaning Marty, live to see it, basically the world will end. They will rise and we will all die. Prove it. Okay, so that's why I get it.

So patriarchy has to exist. It has to. Otherwise, the ancient ones will murder us. I get it. So patriarchy has to exist. It has to. Otherwise, the ancient ones will murder us. I get it now. I get it. It's patriarchy. I mean, the whore has to die first. The whore.

The one who sinned. And the virgin can live forever. I just hate this so much for a lot of reasons. I love it. Emily, that's because you're the virgin. I won't argue with that. She says to Marty, you can either die with them or for them. And he says those are both really tempting, really appetizing options.

And Dana pulls out the gun and points it at Marty. And she's crying and she says, I'm sorry. If this is the way it has to be, this is the way it has to be. And we see the werewolf approaching behind her silently. And Marty says, I'm sorry, too. And the werewolf attacks Dana. the werewolf attacks Dana. Then Sigourney Weaver jumps into action and grabs Marty because he needs to die before her or it's fucked. And so they get in a big fight. She's trying to kill Marty. Dana hits the werewolf off the edge. They're basically on a big raised platform. And I think

she hits him off the edge and he falls down below where the ancient ones are. Marty and Sigourney Weaver are flipping back and forth, one's on top of the other, then the other's on top of the other. They're in a big fight. And then the little one-armed Buckner zombie girl strolls down with her axe and is walking slowly up to them. and is walking slowly up to them. And Marty sees that the little girl's coming, flips Sigourney Weaver over so that she's the one facing her. And the girl axes Sigourney Weaver in the back, and we flip Sigourney Weaver over the edge. And I think she knocks the little girl in too. and I think she knocks the little girl in too. And so now we're just down to our Marty and Dana and they're both injured and not doing well. They slide to sit next to each other

and Dana says, I'm so sorry that I almost shot you. And he says, I'm sorry I let that werewolf attack you. And he's like, so pretty crazy that we might have just ended humanity. And she's like, oh, you know, humanity's not that great. Time to probably give somebody else a chance. She's like, I wish we could have seen the ancient ones, though. And he says, yeah, that would have been cool.

The ground starts rumbling and shaking and splitting in half and a huge hand bursts through the ground bursts up through the cabin and just slams down

onto camera and end credits wait what wow what yep okay onto camera and end credits. Wait, what? Wow. What? Yep. Okay. Kind of fun.

Kind of fun. Oh, my God. I was not expecting that. Yeah. The thing that's crazy about this movie is that it sounds super fun to watch, and I completely understand why it was so popular. But I also understand why it was written in three days in a hotel room. Yes. Like, it's like, this is what you always want to be able to do when you're writing anything.

Not that I'm a writer who would know, but I assume you would want to be able to just be like, who would know but i assume you would want to be able to just be like it's like an ancient mythology and like the gods are gonna like kill you at the end and like the world's gonna end well it's like using all of the tropes and previous horror movies it's it's basically spoofing horror movies. It's basically spoofing horror movies. Emily, what do you think? I am conflicted because I really like I don't want to see it but I do want to see it because

I've never heard that before. The end and I have nothing else to say. Just because I feel like this has been pitched to me as, like, such a fun movie. Like, it's so fun and crazy. But it also sounds more, like, yeah, like, horror-like than I want to watch. Well, it's really exciting. It's really exciting that there's this whole other plot line.

Yeah, I think the element of figuring it out must be fun. That part is fun. And those two characters, Citizen and Hadley, are very fun. But I will say it's not a movie that I think you can watch over and over. I think it's definitely fun the first time. And then upon re-watching, I just didn't have as much fun. No, that's interesting. I'm sure many people do like re-watching, I just didn't have as much fun. No, that's interesting. I'm sure many people do like rewatching it.

I just, some of the charm was lost for me. It's one that I really have been curious about for so long. It's an important one to hear about. No, no, I'm very glad to know it. It's definitely interesting. I mean, it's definitely unusual. And I was surprised. The thing that's interesting, though, is that you're surprised at the beginning.

And then the end, the end is kind of this like Indiana Jones. Yeah. Like ancient temple. The ancient ones. Bullshit, which feels a little like outdated almost. It's crazy how the beginning is so innovative and interesting and the whole concept is innovative and interesting. And then the end feels like a deus ex machina.

Yeah. Like Sigourney Weaver coming out of fucking nowhere, being like, I'm the one in charge. You're like, cool. What? I will say ending the world is a pretty fun ending, though. Like, I like that it wasn't just. They weren't wrong.

It wasn't a hoax. They didn't find a way out of it. They didn't last minute find the, you know, secret thing to make everything better. It's just like, well, yeah, I guess we don't want to die. So we'll make everybody. Everybody will make everybody die with us. And I think that's kind of fun. That sounds human to me.

It's also the only way to know if it was true. True, yeah. And I think that is kind of fucking prove it. I think that is a true human instinct that you would go to such great lengths to save yourself that you would inadvertently kill everybody. I think that's not inadvertently kill everybody. I think

that's not... Billionaires. This is a movie about billionaires. This is again a movie about capitalism. Every movie is about capitalism. You sounded like Maura Rose. Capitalism.

It's a movie about capitalism. Capitalism. Capitalism. Alexis. It's a movie about capitalism. But this has been fun. I like the bracket thing. I liked our listeners helping us choose.

I'm excited what you guys choose next week. Classic horror. That's going to be a lot of fun. So much to look forward to, you know? And we'll do a loser's bracket too. Yeah, so some of the ones that didn't get picked this go-round will be up for offer again.

And we'll obviously do a lot of those eventually, but Scream is a big one that we got to do. I really want to do it. I think you should watch it. I do too. Me? Yeah. You. Okay. I think you should watch it I do too Me? Yeah, you Okay That's the thing about a lot of 90s teen horror

I feel like you guys could handle it Yeah Alright, let's wrap this up Alright, listeners I think the biggest takeaway here is Don't get shredded Don't get absolutely shredded Don't get absolutely shredded

It's incredibly dangerous And if you went in the lake when you were shredded You Don't get absolutely shredded. Don't get absolutely shredded. It's incredibly dangerous. And if you went in the lake when you were shredded, you'd probably get an infection. Yeah, lake water is bad for being shredded. Don't shred. Sammy, thank you so much for telling us about this movie. I'm so happy I actually understand what Cabin in the Woods is about now.

It's honestly different than I was expecting. It's a different movie and I think it is fun. And worth seeing if you're feeling brave. Thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you guys so much for listening. We love you. We'll see you.

We really do. We'll talk to you next week. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. Hi guys, Emily here here Thanks so much for listening to another episode of Too Scary I Didn't Watch If you liked our recap of Cabin in the Woods Please subscribe and rate and review on Apple Podcasts Give us your thoughts about two-way versus one-way mirror

We're dying to know You can also follow us on social media At TSDW Podcast on Instagram, Twitter, and Stardust. And as always, thanks for listening and stay safe, stay healthy. We will see you next week. We love you so much. Goodbye.