Toronto Mike'd: The Official Toronto Mike Podcast - Hayden's Take: Toronto Mike'd #1522

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

In this 1522nd episode of Toronto Mike'd, Mike takes a closer look at a 90s jam that mattered: Hayden's Take from the CFNY 102.1 New Music Search. Toronto Mike'd is proudly brought to you by Great Lakes Brewery, Palma Pasta, Ridley Funeral Home, The Advantaged Investor podcast from Raymond James Canada, The Toronto Maple Leafs Baseball Team and RecycleMyElectronics.ca. If you would like to support the show, we do have partner opportunities available. Please email Toronto Mike at [e-mail]

C.F.N.Y.'s 1993 New Music Search compilation is most noteworthy for Head upsetting Lowest of the Low. Lowest of the Low had submitted Gamble, a song produced by F.O.T.M. Bob Wiseman. Now this is not the Gamble you know from Hallucigenia. This is a version that predates that, but was recorded after Shakespeare My Butt. Got it? Got it.

Now members of the band, Lowest of the Low, were assured it was a shoe-in. They were going to win the 1993 New Music Search competition and $100,000. But when the winner was announced, Head was the victor, thanks to their song, Happy. Here's Lois de The Low founder and lead singer and principal songwriter Ron Hawkins telling me about this during his visit with Lawrence Nichols for episode 1361 of Toronto Mic'd, recorded in November 2023. Okay, so here's the quick detour because I'm, you know, healthily and mildly obsessed with the 1993 New Music Search contest from CFNY. And I recently had Hayden over here because Hayden entered with a song called Take,

but he was too shy to sing. He didn't think he was a good singer. So he had Noah Mintz sing his part and Takes on there. But I'm going to play, all set to go here. I'm gonna play. Wait, is that true? That's not Hayden singing? It's not Hayden singing on Take.

I don't know. I know, see? Break, yeah. That's Noah Mintden singing on take. I know. I know, see? Break, yeah. That's Noah Mintz singing on take. So Hayden wrote that and he plays guitar on that, but that's Noah Mintz singing on take. I know, I thought it was Hayden forever. Wow, I gotta go. I gotta go process this.

His mind is blowing and that's what we do here on Toronto Mic, we blow minds. I like take for what it's, I told Hayden, you should put that on an album. Like just rerecord take and stick it on an album. Or maybe get Noah to come in and sing it again. They were high school buds at Thorn Lake Collegiate. That's how that all goes down.

They were in a band together in high school. All right, so this is the original, I guess so this is not the album version. This is the- Bob Wiseman version. But you know, have you heard Bob Wiseman on Toronto Mic? Actually, no, I haven't. You got Bob Wiseman? He dropped by for an hour. Yeah, we talked about him producing this. Bob Wiseman is very interesting on Toronto Mike because, you know, didn't seem like, I don't know, he was, I enjoy the chat, but he, I don't know if he loved being here. Like,

I mean, you know what I mean? Like you got to listen to Bob Wiseman on Toronto Mic. Okay. Okay. That's your homework here. Gamble. So Bob Wiseman produces this, this gets entered. So you only hear from you guys for a minute here. You end up, like, can you ask me like, like, how did it work back then?

Did somebody at CFNY suggest you enter? Did you enter? Give me the nuts and bolts and then we'll talk about. I don't think Ron's gonna remember any of this. Do you remember anything about the 1993 music circus in Hawaii? This track, this will tell you the state of the band or the state of me and the band at the time is the band kept telling me that we recorded some tracks with Bobby Wiseman and I was like, no, no. Like I remember we talked about it and we were planning on it but we never did it and they were like,

Ron, we were in the studio for two days with Bobby Wasman and we recorded three songs Was that were you on drugs like was it? Not maybe not at the time. I mean, I certainly not when I was recording I'm sure but Probably on either side. So yeah, and that's kind of shocking to me like wow That's not good when you have an entire experience like that It's not good, but so I don't remember doing it, but there it is. There's the documentary evidence I have the evidence, and then I don't know what happened. I don't know how it gets picked for those I just knew that we were

Do you know how that used to happen? I mean I think I think you did have to enter And who would have like maybe Frank Weypert would have entered us or something or a manager. Sandy and Skinny. By 93 I would think it would be Frank but I don't know. But this is before you went to Vancouver. This would have been 92 actually right because you didn't. Sorry. This is the 93.

So I had this I still have my original CD. This is the 1993 new music search. Yeah I think I have that one. This also ties into Art Bergman because Art had become a good friend of mine and he was hanging out with us and me and my then girlfriend Kathleen in Toronto in Kensington Market and we went and he had a couple shows before the presentation at Roy Thompson Hall and so Kathleen and I made a promise to each other we're gonna go to the art show tonight, but that's it. We're gonna go home, because I have this big thing to do on Sunday. So this was Friday.

And of course, everyone listening knows how it went. We went to the art show, we went to an after party, we did a lot of drugs, we went to the art show the next night, went to an after party, and by the time we got to Roy Thompson Hall, I'd been up for two days straight, and I was like, well now I can't just go to Futures and drink a lot of coffee, because I can't go to sleep now I'll never wake up right and we won't make it and then the but the low had had this plan which was that we the CBC for

some reason led us into their wardrobe department to get all these fuchsia and hot pink suits which we wore jackets and stuff with this and we had planned this entire sort of theatre art piece, which is that if we didn't win, we were going to stand up and make a giant scene in Roy Thompson Hall and storm off, and we were robbed and they actually make a... And so I don't know who, maybe one of our girlfriends or two of our girlfriends,

somebody said, you guys do these, you guys come up with these ideas that you think are hilarious, and maybe they're not, maybe they're just really stupid ideas, you know, and you guys will be entertained for a minute. But, uh, so easily misunderstood, right? So we didn't do it. But, uh, the reason I'm bringing that up is because I think at the same presentation, art one, did he win? No, he was up for an award for his then record on Polygram, which I think was just called

art Bergman. And he played, he played American Wife, or I think he recited the lyrics to American Wife and baffled everybody out there. And then the beautiful part of this story is that we, after being told for months by everybody, including people inside CFM Y and stuff like that, that we were a shoe in and we were definitely going to win this thing. We kept saying, hold off, we don't wanna be carrying that around. We didn't win it and had won it.

And those guys were so lovely that I can't remember who it was that stopped me in the hall. Might have been, it was probably Brendan, said, they were shocked that they won. They thought for sure we were gonna win. And they said, if you guys have gone out on a limb and like bought a van or something because you're already spending the money right we'll

loan you the money you know interest-free like you know and you can pass back when you can and stuff at this and I was like wow that's Toronto like that's the Toronto community at the time you know to be fair he also probably thought you spent a lot on those suits yes yeah he's like I know you've been you had a lot of they're not cheap yeah, okay So do you remember who at CF and why I said you've got this in the bag like somebody you remember? I remember bookie sort of Wink winking, you know, yeah Like they're like it was it was sort of like it was a done deal like it's almost like the postman was you know

Bringing my mail. Oh, I'm ready to go Ron. You guys are gonna win You know like go to Arby's like it just seemed like everywhere we went somebody was telling us we're gonna win this money $100,000 like imagine like now it would be a lot of money, but then it was like for us It would have been well, isn't it 50? $50 $50 would have been a lot Okay, well when bare-naked ladies won it was a hundred thousand dollars because they need Gordon with that money And I've got that on the record. There's I think it might have been a hundred hundred thousand. Okay So it was an unfathomable amount of money to us.

And in the chronological order of things, if you're not a big Los Ló fan, this is post Shakespeare My Butt. By the way, in your doc, I loved it when Stephen Page's dad and brother are in the doc because they made a comment that they put out the yellow tape by Bare NNaked Ladies and then distributed Shakespeare in my butt, and people started to think that they had an ear for the next big thing. They started thinking they knew what was going on, but it was just a complete fluke of events that they were both big albums here. So you think you've got this in the bag. I'm going to play a little bit. I'll turn it up. I should say this is happy

Head has two H's in it Let them say happy again before I bring it to you. You could have gotten Noah on a technicality. I don't think you were allowed to sing on two entries. Is it too late? Maybe it's not too late to litigate, is it? That's right. You were robbed. I was robbed, I tells you. And again, I like the cross-promote.

There's a really interesting episode of Toronto Miked with Noah Mintz where we kind of go through a lot of this. Noah Mintz and Brendan Canning, like you mentioned, are the core of Head with two H's, and this is the song Happy, and this is the song that wins that contest. Who's playing the drums there? That snare sound is great. I don't even know who's Head's drummer. I'll find out for you.

Hayden. Yeah, it's Hayden. He's just playing the snare. Lawrence Nichols wants to know who is playing the drums on that song. Well, here's a fun fact. Their drummer was parachuted in from King Cobb Steely. We did a song heavily influenced by King Cobb Steely and that was Happy and we even had the percussion player from King Cobb Steely play on it. And I still think it's one of our best songs. It wasn't like a hit song or a radio-friendly song. But I think it was a well-written song

that Brandon and I equally wrote. I owned the 1993 New Music Search CD. It was in my collection, and I loved both Gamble and Happy. But my favorite song on that compilation was Hayden's Take. For the longest time, I just assumed take was sung by Hayden Desser because that's what it said in the liner notes, and I read the liner notes. Well, the mind blow, which you might have heard in a previous clip, is that it was actually Noah Mintz from Head on lead vocals.

Noah and Hayden were good friends from Thorin Lee Collegiate where they met and formed a band. Here's a little from Noah Mintz about his friendship with Hayden who he knew as Paul. This is from episode 785 recorded in January 2021. Paul Heyden And the guitar player would always wear a hat. It was sort of a bowler hat. Would never take it off and would wear black and white and sit in the hallways, play guitar. And that was Paul Desser, now known as Heyden. And I was like these are my guys. These are the guys these are the guitar your people music the music nerds I want to be in a bandwidth and they're like I'm like, they're like, do you like REM? I'm like, I like REM. Do you like REM? They're like, yeah

We like REM and they listed off a bunch of other bands I didn't care for like Peter Gabriel and Russian and All the prog rock stuff and I'm like, yeah, we can work on that. But we have a mutual, it wasn't affection for mutual affection towards REM. And it wasn't a sway particularly that we were gonna audition or planning for, but we basically became a band to play the lunchtime concert.

Wow. That was our very first gig. And I think we did, we did a Pride in the name of love, U2. I don't think I actually sang that one because I was just in the band for a week. But then we did a version of,

if I remember correctly, it was Superman, R.E.M.'s cover of Superman. Right. I am Superman and I can do anything. And that like basically cemented a friendship between Josh Malinsky, Mitch Roth, Adam Fingerit, Gavin Brown on drums, who we can talk about in a minute, and Paul Desser, better known as Hayden. Wow. And we all became like super good buds.

And we had found Gavin, who was in grade nine at the time, I was in grade 12, and they were in grade 11, and Gavin was in grade nine. And Gavin ended up like, let's sort of fast forward with Gavin. Gavin, when he ended up quitting our band, he joined Flag Camp, which was Eric Chenow and Sean Dean, Sean of the Sadies. Wow, yeah. And Flag Camp were already playing

shows stateside at that time. They were super into hardcore and they were doing pretty cool music. And so when we broke up in our first year together, our band was called Entangled. And we broke up for like a week. Right. Like, you know, we had like a band meeting

and decided we were like, irreconcilable differences and we broke up. And then after a week, we're like, I can't live without you. But then Gavin didn't want to join back up because Gavin already joined up with Flag Camp. Wow.

So we found a drummer actually in Unionville and we practiced for our very first gig in Brampton right beside the CFNY building. Wow. Yeah. At a place called Spanky's and we even had a dress rehearsal where we all dressed up exactly how we were going to dress on stage. Right. And we showed up for that gig. And it was it was closed. The venue was closed when we showed up for our first

gig. Literally closed closed down. They didn't bother to tell us, of course. So that was our first not happening gig. Our second not happening gig was we were actually opening up for tall new buildings at Thornhill Park. It was like Thornhill Day or something. And we were to bring the drums. So we showed up and this is the story I told John when I was really drunk. And we showed up and this is the story I told John when I was really drunk. And we showed up and set up and did a little kind of sound check. And you know, we left our drums on stage because we brought the drums for Tall New Buildings. And then we see Tall New new buildings walking towards us across the

field. And they just got back from Germany and they were wearing what was like really cool in Europe at the time. These like super baggy white t-shirts and then super baggy jeans that were super rolled up. And I was like, look, and they look like, you know, super cool and douchey at the same time. And so like, John kind of walks up to me, he's like, hey, we just got back from Germany. I'm like, yeah, cool. Whatever. Anyway, he's like, he's like, so we got a gig at the bamboo tonight. And I'm like, yeah, again, I don't care. That's cool. He's like, so we got to get down and soundcheck for that. So that's why we had you to bring your drums. I'm like, all right, whatever. He's like, Yeah, so Noah says you're gonna go on

after us. What? He's like, you're gonna go on after us because we got a gig at the bamboo tonight downtown Toronto. I'm like, yeah, I go, we're like, this is our first show. We're not going to go on after you. He's like, this is the way it is, man. It's how it works in this business. So I'm like, all right, band meeting. And and then we all got together and I told them what was going on. Josh Malinsky was like, commissioner. I remember, what do you want to do?

Hayden's like, I don't want to play. I'm like, yeah, I don't really want to play either. I don't want our first gig to be after Talladee buildings or all their douchey friends go home. And I'm like, forget it. So I'm like, are we going to cancel our first gig? He's like yeah it's like so I'm like so fine so I went to John I'm like hey man we're like we're gonna go home and we're gonna take our drums. He's like we need your drums to play I'm like sorry man we don't want to go on after you so we're not gonna

play. It's like you're never gonna play play in this town. In my head, that's what he said. I don't know. And imagine me really drunk, like, like, like dating his best friend at the time. And like, like, you're such an asshole. We like took our drums and we went home. We're like, fuck you. It's like, and he's like, John's like, I don't even remember this man. I'm like, like like what happened?

Man I love the Gion Gomez stories in that episode. That's a great Gion Gomez story Now more from Noah mince on how he came to sing on Hayden's 1993 CFNY new music search submission take 93 CF and why new music search submission take Man, okay. Now we're gonna pause there and come back But we got to go back to Hayden and that same disk that you went for so I'm gonna play I'm gonna lead us off by playing a little bit of the convo I had with ash from ubiquitous energy seeker on my show and this is the last literally the like your episode 785 and this was 784. So here's a

bit of ash. I was greatly inspired by, you know, the early nineties Toronto indie rock scene that's, you know, treble charger, change of heart, uh, head Hayden, um, all of those bands. So my, my, uh, I, I had a family connection to Noah mince who now has a mastering studio, but he was in a band called Head. Of course. Also, you know, Head. Yeah.

So Head had Brendan Canning in it, which then broken social scene. So, um, as a songwriter, Noah was like a massive influence on me, Noah Mince. And so when we, his band won the 102.1 discovery to disc contest, won a hundred grand in like 92 or something. Yeah. And they recorded an album called Jerk that got shelved and then had disappeared. And so I brought him out. We played a song called porno Star Trek. We played hollow point, right? And then at night at the Casbys, we played a second song and I got Noah to come and I invited him and he played lead guitar.

My hero got to play lead guitar and I just got to get like, this is what you deserved. But you back in the major label days when they would just shelf your album because they're like, this won't sell. And game over. So there you go. Now in that same episode I didn't pull this clip but he we talked about take because Ash and I are both love Hayden's take from that same disc that 93 Discovered a disc CFY put out in fact I'll just let people know if they go back and

listen to USS on episode 784, like Ash breaks out his guitar and me and him do a duet of take, like this happens, okay? But he drops the bomb and apparently it's well-known, but I need to get the definitive story here. In fact, you know what? It's my show. This is what I'm doing, Noah. I'm going to play a bit of take. Love that song. And then we're going to talk about your play a bit of take love that song and then we're going to talk about your involvement in this particular song so here's a bit of take home take me with you take me home take a part of me take all. Please agree with me. Disagree with me. Come with me. Get away from me.

Break it down a bit. Noah, who's on lead vocals in this jam right here? Oh, that's me. So I'm singing that song because Hayden Hayden's first concept was to write a bunch of songs and have other people sing them. That was going to be hit. That was what Hayden was going to be right. You're right. Like yeah, and there's a lot of artists like that. I'm thinking never ending white lights or something like that. That's one that comes to mind. Yeah. Now I feel like

was this no one at the time or is this something that like, I just don't know how I missed it. Like, because we all thought that was Hayden. Now I listen back and I'm like, that's no immense. But at the time, 100%, I thought Hayden was singing this song. So because we were on the album, the CFNY album, and Hayden didn't tell me he was even submitting it. He didn't tell me he was even submitting it. He didn't say it was me.

So I got kind of pissed off because I was like, I thought he'd jeopardize our chance to be on the album because I have double entry. But he didn't even list me as the person. So that's why there was no credit. It was just basically this was a take by Hayden. I'll tell you a funny story. We were Hayden and I were at Eden Fest. Do you remember that famous show? We talk about it all the time. Yeah, absolutely.

And so had played it. It was our last show. And, um, and Hayden and I were just walking around. And then we just come up on these guys that are playing guitar. And then all of a sudden they don't see us, but all of a sudden they break into take. Right. Right. And we just sort of stand there watching them and just like, and then they stop playing it. And they're like, they're like, one guy goes, who is that? He's like, oh, that's, that's Hayden song. And then the other guy goes, yeah, but doesn't Noah Mint sing that song? He's like, yeah, I think so. And we're like, like standing them standing like four feet away from

them. And I'm like, should we say something? Right? He's like, nah, just keep walking. I'm like, yeah. You know, I think part of the reason guys like me break into that song is because it's an easy to sing song. Like, I feel like, like, I'm not much of a singer, you're a much better singer than I am, but I can kind of do the take delivery. I think it's a fun fact for anyone who you know in the 90s thought that was Hayden doing take it's fun fact that it's actually no one's doing take and then The great like contrast between your voice and in the woman's voice Lorraine Erso Marzo, I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right, but That's apparently that's you and Lorraine

Because it's a one of Hayden's best friends at the time and she's an awesome human being and here's how Hayden remembers it this is from episode 1336 recorded in October 2023 let's start with this I need the definitive story so I know you're like oh god he's gonna play it yeah I'm gonna play it and you're gonna talk about it and shout out to need the definitive story. So I know you're like, Oh God, he's going to play it. Yeah, I'm going to play it. And you're going to talk about it and shout out to FOTM Noah Mintz. I know you don't like the shout outs, but I do the shout outs. But let's listen to a bit of this and I got questions for you. You can't leave now. I gave you lasagna. Take me home. Also, I enjoy this song.

Take me with you Take me home Take a part of me Take all of me Come with me Get away from me Please agree with me, get away from me. Please agree with me, disagree with me. Come with me, get away from me. Okay this is take.

I have questions. Alright is this part your submission for what a CFNY new music search competition? Yes. Okay. What do you remember? Like, like, why did you enter and do you remember what the prize was? Like, what do you remember from that? I think it's a 1993 new music search. Well, yeah, I remember a couple things. I, down or even stopped playing music and writing music when I went to Ryerson for radio and television. And during that time, Noah, who was playing in head with Brendan Canning, they started doing quite well and I would go to their shows and it was just a really fun situation and the whole grunge scene was happening it was an interesting time and I don't know it's possible I was inspired by how

much fun Noah was having, because we were quite close, and then also what was happening with the East Coast at the time, it just inspired me to maybe, to wanna play music again, basically, because I was focused on filmmaking, I had done some music videos for for Noah's band as well I had no hold on pausing you for a moment because Robbie J. Rob Johnston

Did write in when he heard you were coming on Toronto, Mike He wrote me a note to say all my good classmate from RTA I remember when he would bring his guitar and gear into the audio studios So Robbie Jade remembers you might have been dabbling in atTA. Yeah, see, that's funny because I, that, yeah, I mean, God, I'm not known for my memory. Let's just say that, but I don't reme, it's funny that it's quite possible. I mean, I, I, I'm not going to doubt him, but yeah, I don't remember that. I always felt they were separate, but maybe towards the end of RTA, I did, uh,

start playing again. So you're good friend from Thorn Lee, Noah Mince, who's been on this program. People can find Thorn Lee's, which a great episode, by the way, because mainly because there was a lot of G on Gomez. She stories in the Noah Mince episode. I know it was awesome. So I'm not surprised. It was a great episode.

You guys still close still friends? Yes, we are. Beautiful. Okay. So people can go there to hear all the details. It was a great episode. You guys still closed still friends. Yes, we are beautiful Okay, so people can go there to hear all the details But one fact that is kind of a mind-blow if you were there in 93 so that's on so speaking ahead head has happy happy's on that 93 new music search CD and Hayden's take and That's not you singing on

Take is it? No, I saw our is the court. Yeah Yeah I was doing a long long-winded explanation. Anyway what I guess I was getting to why Noah is singing on that song is it I I I borrowed I think I lent Noah an electric guitar for one of his tours and he either lost it or broke it so that when I asked for it back, he gave me an acoustic guitar back. I believe this is what happened and I also borrowed a four-track recorder from him.

And because I had an acoustic guitar for the first time since I was like 13, I had my first guitar was, my parents bought me an acoustic guitar for the first time since I was like 13. I had my first guitar was, my parents bought me an acoustic guitar at 13, but I sold it a year later for a digital delay pedal because I was really into the edge from YouTube. Of course. Anyway, because I had an acoustic guitar,

I started playing and recording in my parents' basement. And that being said, I was never the singer of my high school band. I never really sang much at all. So when it came time, I wrote this take song and I decided to get Noah to sing it and our friend Lorraine Ursamarzo who- And she's great.

Is great and a great friend who ended up, when I started playing shows at places like Future Bakery and the Rivoli and stuff, Lorraine would sing and other people would sing my songs and I would just play. So for a period of time, was that maybe the plan that you were gonna be like, you know, have guest singers, like Mike and the Mechanics or whatever, you just bring in these like other people to sing your songs?

I guess so. I guess, I don't know if I thought my voice was terrible. I just didn't see myself as a singer. Interesting. And then I believe I had booked a show and a couple of people that were supposed to sing didn't show up and I was like, oh hey, I guess I have to sing and then a couple people in the audience,

the only two people that were in the audience were like, oh yeah, that sounded pretty good and then now that was all it took and then I was like, fire all the singers, I'm the lead singer. Yeah, you can do it yourself, you don't need them anymore. That's like Noel Gallagher, right? When Liam wouldn't show up and then Noel have to sing the songs and he could do it fine.

He wrote them, he can sing them. Right, yeah. You're Noel Gallagher, man. You're the Canada's Noel. Thank you. It can be worse, okay? So that's meant to be a comment. So who wins?

Do you have any recollection? You don't win this new music search in 1993 from CFNY. No, because NOAA's band won. Yeah, they won $100,000. Now remember, $100,000 was at stake, and Ron and the guys from Lowest of the Low were told it was a done deal. But Head surprised everyone and took home the big prize. Here's Head's Noah Mintz talking about the big win. We performed it live on stage that night and our equipment was breaking down, my amp was cutting in and out, we just performed it the best we could. We literally flew in just for the show

because we were in Vancouver the night before. And we played our hearts out. I mean, everybody knew, and I don't, I'm just as honest, everybody knew Lois and Lola were going to win. Like everybody knew. Like there was no doubt. And when they announced it, I just had this like flush of adrenaline like a second before. And it was like, it was like, wait, maybe they maybe Lois and Lowe won't win. Like it was just this. And then they said our they said our band's name and we won. And it was like we weren't prepared to win. We were super surprised. We felt we kind of cheated Lois of the Lo because they were such a successful band.

I think CFNY just saw us as like a band with a lot of potential and we did. We could have done a lot better than we did if we pursued things a little better, if we didn't have a couple things that we didn't make some bad, they weren't bad decisions, they were decisions that didn't turn out the right way. So we did have potential for sure. We just didn't see it. Noa Mince Hayden's take was sung by Noa Mince, who also sung the winning Happy for head. And this mind blow was intentionally kept on the down low, likely for fear of being disqualified for singing two songs in the competition. The secret is out in its now a fun 90s can rock factoid, and CFNY has yet to ask for

the $100,000 back. Of course, with the sad financial state of affairs at Corus these days, that request may be imminent. If you enjoyed this Can Rock deep dive, you'll also enjoy my episode 1310 on Sloan's Underwhelmed and Episode 1367 on Rusty's Wake Me. Take me home Take a part of me Take all of me Come with me Get away from me Please agree with me

Disagree with me Come with me Get away from me I need you I don't need you. I need you. Take a part of me. Take all of me.

Come with me. Disagree with me. Please agree with me. Take all of me. Take take all of me, take apart of me, stay away from me, take apart of me People tell me I'm insane, I was sane, out of sane to love you I love you, I don't love you, why me? You don't love me, you can't love me, you hate me love me You hate me, you despise me You're killing me, you keep me alive

Get away from me!