Tosh Show - My Wife - Carly Tosh

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

Daniel finally lands the guest that his fans have been clamoring for as he sits down with his wife, Carly, for an interview about dating at work, co-parenting, and what annoys them about each other.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In Mississippi, Yazoo Clay keeps secrets. Seven thousand bodies out there or more. A forgotten asylum cemetery. It was my family's mystery. Shame, guilt, propriety. Something keeps it all buried deep until it's not. I'm Larisen Campbell and this is Under Yazoo Clay. Listen on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Have you ever wondered if your pet is lying to you? Why is my cat not here? And I go in and she's eating my lunch. Or if hypnotism is real? You will use a suggestion in order to enhance your cognitive control. But what's inside a black hole? Black holes could be a consequence of the way that we understand the universe. Well, we have answers for you in the new iHeart Original Podcast, Science Stuff. Join me or Hitcham as we answer questions about animals, space, our brains,

and our bodies. So give yourself permission to be a science geek and listen to Science Stuff on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Bob Pitman, Chairman and CEO of iHeart Media. I'm excited to share my podcast with you, Math and Magic, Stories from the Frontiers of Marketing. Make sure to check out my recent episode with legendary musician and philanthropist, Jewel. I didn't want a million dollars, I wanted a career.

I wanted a way to figure out how to do something that I loved for the rest of my life. Join me as we uncover innovations in data and analytics, the math and the ever important creative spark, the magic. Listen to math and magic stories from the frontiers of marketing on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey, it's Alec Baldwin. This season on my podcast, Here's the Thing, I speak with California

governor Gavin Newsom. Is there any chance of increased tax breaks for the movie business? We're going to double it. You are. I proposed that a few months ago and that was right before the fires. What are the fires only reinforce? The imperative and also working with all our friends, you know, the who's who of Hollywood saying it's time to double down on bringing production back to California, particularly

this time of recovery and renewal. I said to my legislative friends, I said, there's no budget. I'll veto the budget. If we don't get it done, it's going to get done. Listen to Here's the Thing on the iHeartRadioApple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember the first song that was played at our wedding? I do. It was Gold Digger, like on your wedding. Welcome to Tosh Show. I'm Daniel Tosh and I'm wearing a suit, but not just any suit. a suit, but not just any suit. This was the suit that I wore on my wedding day and it still fits.

Can you believe it? Oh, yeah. Double standard. There's no praise for men that stay in shape throughout their marriage. in shape throughout their marriage. Women, oh, if they can squeeze their morphed bodies back into their dress it's like, oh, unbelievable. But I do it. No big deal. Anyway, I'm excited, Eddie. Are you excited? I'm excited. Tell the people why you're wearing the suit. I'm wearing the suit because this is going to be the week that I interview my wife. This will be the single longest podcast episode

we have ever put out. Now, how do I know it's the longest? Well, because I've lived with this woman and I have an idea that even if the conversation doesn't time out to be the longest it will certainly feel like it. Oh okay. But I'm excited and I know the fans are excited you keep telling me this is the one guest they want. Overwhelmingly. And it's so weird because when you meet her you're just like I don't get it. I don't know that's true but no no no no she's an acquired taste. All right let's jump to the

comments wonder what gift Tosh will give his wife if she comes on the show. I'll give her the gift of listening to her for an hour. Huh? Bada bing bada boom. I'm gonna give I'll tell you what I'm gonna give her I'm gonna give her I'm not you know no'm gonna give her. I'm gonna give her, I'm not, you know, no spoilers here, but hey, you know, it's a, it's, I think I knocked it out of the park. I was thinking Tasha had the perfect life and then I find out his wife doesn't like sandwiches.

It's like saying you don't enjoy charcuterie. It's impossible. Yeah, no, I certainly don't have the perfect life or the perfect wife, but you know what? Not bad. I don't believe there is such a thing as the perfect wife but you know what not bad I don't believe there is such a thing as the perfect wife unless you're married to a Margot Robbie or any of those thick bitches on Instagram yeah now she doesn't like sandwiches it is

confusing and we get in fights about it constantly because I love a sandwich she likes a salad but she doesn't get excited about it, but she'll eat the salad. She's got a bread issue. I mean, I find it maddening how much she hates sandwiches, but she does love charcuterie. Oh, she loves a charcuterie board. This bitch will eat cheese all day and night. Just loves cheese. Are you saving your wife Carly's interview

for the season finale? Ooh, that would be a good idea. But we don't do seasons, okay? We do options. And currently, we're in the middle of option two. When you interview your wife, I want you both to ask questions to each other. That is a terrible suggestion, and we will not do that. This is my show.

Now, if she gets a podcast, I won't go on it. Not gonna be a guest. There's no chance. that is my show. Now if she gets a podcast, I won't go on it. Not gonna be a guest. There's no chance. And I don't want anybody accusing me of being a cradle robber. Because while my wife is much younger, she is no longer young. Enjoy. Have you ever wondered if your pet is lying to you? Why is my cat not here? And I go in and she's eating my lunch. Or if hypnotism is real? You will use a suggestion in order to enhance your cognitive control. What's inside a black hole? Black holes could be

a consequence of the way that we understand the universe. Well we have answers for you in the new iHeart original podcast Science Stuff. Join me Jorge Cham as we tackle questions you've always wanted to know the answer to about animals, space, our brains, and our bodies. Questions like, can you survive being cryogenically frozen? This is experimental. This means never work for you. What's a quantum computer?

It's not just a faster computer. It performs in a fundamentally different way. Do you really have to wait 30 minutes after eating before you can go swimming? It's not really a safety issue. It's more of a comfort issue. We'll talk to experts, break it down, and give you easy to understand explanations to fascinating scientific questions. So give yourself permission to be a science geek and listen to science stuff on the iHeartVideo app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's a type of soil in

Mississippi called Yazoo clay. It's thick, burnt orange, and it's got a reputation. It's terrible, terrible dirt. Yazoo Clay eats everything, so things that get buried there tend to stay buried. Until they're not. In 2012, construction crews at Mississippi's biggest hospital made a shocking discovery. 7,000 bodies out there or more. All former patients of the old state asylum. And nobody knew they were there.

It was my family's mystery. But in this corner of the South, it's not just the soil that keeps secrets. Nobody talks about it. Nobody has any information. When you peel back the layers of Mississippi's Yazoo clay, nothing's ever as simple as you think. The story is much more complicated and nuanced than that. I'm Larisen Campbell.

Listen to Under Yazoo Clay on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Hi, I'm Bob Pitman, Chairman and CEO of iHeart Media. I'm excited to share my podcast with you, Math and Magic, Stories from the Frontiers of Marketing. Make sure to check out my recent episode with legendary musician and philanthropist, Jewel. I didn't want a million dollars. I wanted a career. I wanted a way to figure out how to do something that I loved for the rest of my life.

Join me as we uncover innovations in data and analytics, the math, and the ever important creative spark, the magic. Listen to Math and Magic, stories from the frontiers of marketing on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Amartines. The news can feel like a lot on any given day, but you can't just ignore las noticias when important world-changing events are happening. That is where the Up First podcast comes in. Every single morning in under 15 minutes,

we take the news and boil it down to three essential stories so you can keep up without feeling stressed out. Listen up first from NPR on the iHeart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. This interview is going to be difficult because I find it hard to listen to the words coming out of my guest's mouth, but the fans have demanded this. She's a poet, a television writer, and a former employee who became a potential HR nightmare before becoming the mother of my children. It's my beautiful, charming, brilliant wife. Please welcome Mrs. Danielle Tosh, aka Carly. Hi. Have you ever been called Mrs. Danielle Tosh? Probably at our wedding. No, maybe not. They were speaking Italian.

No one knew what they were saying. Be honest, before you were asked to be a guest on the show, were you aware that I have a podcast? Yes, I hear you editing at all hours in different like corners of the house. Editing, there's no editing on this show. This is just one conversation. Now you are Carly Hallam-Tosh, but your maiden name was Carly Elizabeth Hallam.

Why did you change your name? Because I was young. You wouldn't have changed it now? I don't know. I don't know if I've become more of a feminist or if I just think what I thought then, which was like, oh, we wanna have the same names like as our kids and everything like that.

Maybe I feel less strongly about that now. I still kind of go between both names, I would say. That's rude. Hallam is my last name. You're telling me that just the novelty of having my last name has worn off. By the way, Hallam on paper reads like you're anti-American. Yes, I did have actually a poetry teacher in college

who when she called roles, she would say, Carly Elizabeth Alam, like that. I don't know if you're supposed to do that voice. I don't know. This is an impression. Right, well that's what impressions are. They're cancelable. Not in this administration.

Let me say, wait, just say that I felt uncomfortable when she did it. And I was like, but am I gonna correct her and tell her like, no, say it way more Florida white trashy. It's Hallam. Hallam. Not Hallam.

Hallam is not the way. Beautiful name. By the way, are you the loudest person you know? Mm-hmm, maybe, besides our children. I mean, this has gotta be piercing to some of our listeners. I feel like you're purposely not trying to scream today. Well, you just haven't got me riled up yet. Yeah, I mean, she's really loud.

Dylan, you're going to have to be quick on the trigger over there. Get your ears blasted off. Her voice really just, it's piercing and it travels. I actually hesitated to interview you because I am terrified to find out the answer to some of the questions that have been written. All right, here we go. Do you believe in ghosts? I do not.

I know. You've never believed in ghosts, have you? No. But you used to be very spiritual. Yes, yes, I did go to church. I was afraid to answer these questions. Why? Just, I don't know.

Because you know my mom's listening? My family, yeah. Your family? Both of our families. Yes, many, many Sundays spent in church. Why? Just, I don't know. Because you know my mom's listening? My family. Your family? Both of our families. Yes. Many, many Sundays spent in church. Not with your family.

And then Sunday evenings at youth group. We always went to church growing up. No, you didn't. CCUCC, Community Congregational United Church of Christ. You went with your friend's family that was actually religious. Well, Jen Skamaka's dad was the pastor, but my whole family went there. I thought your family didn't go. Your dad stayed at home. No, that's not true. I thought your family didn't go. Your dad stayed at home.

No, that's not true. We always went. Doesn't seem like your dad says that. Nah, he was there. He doesn't have a great memory. Nope. No, he doesn't. Did you know growing up that you'd never stay in Florida?

Maybe not until high school. Before that, I thought Florida was amazing. I was like full gung-ho Florida. And then I remember it kind of like occurring to me that people outside of Florida didn't think Florida was as fascinating as everyone inside of Florida thought it was. Even like studying abroad,

I remember people being like, where are you from? And I was like, Florida. And then I sort of like waited for a reaction. You thought it was cool. Right, and then like the Italians on the bus would be like, Disney? When I lived in St. Louis, Missouri, and my parents told us that we were moving to Florida,

I cried. I sobbed. As a sixth grader, I sobbed, and I'm like, they're pussies, they can't handle the cold. Like I was just like, this is miserable. I cannot believe we're having to go to Florida. That's where old people die. When you're in it, that's not how you see it.

No, then I moved to Florida and I loved it too. You know, until I started the allergies and all of that nonsense. So you were born in Florida, you were born in Stewart. Yes. Did your father force you to go to UF? No, it was the only place I applied, the only father force you to go to UF? No, it was the only place I applied the only place I wanted to go Because I grew up going there going to the games

But you were the valedictorian of your of your high school. Yes, you don't think you could have I'm not UF is a great public school But don't you think you could have gotten into? Like a fancy Ivy League school in hindsight hindsight, yeah, yes, probably. But I didn't even try. I just wanted to go to the University of Florida. I did early decision. Could have your dad afforded you going to Harvard? I mean, not without some assistance, probably.

I think he would have made it happen. You just never gave him a chance. I bet he would have been more proud. You don't think he'd have been more proud bragging about Harvard than he is? Oh, look. Maybe, but he likes, he loves to be able to say how many family members went to UF. I know, your youngest brother is the only one

that failed him. And then he's always talking about his tombstone. Like three out of four ain't bad. He wants to write that on it. It's just the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Now you, you have a great relationship with your father and mother. Yes.

Who are you more partial to? I love them both. Yeah, but you and your mother are like an unhealthy. I talk to my mom more, definitely. Every single day. No, I don't talk to her every single day. You talk to your mom constantly. I talk to my mom often.

Have you ever called your father? I call him from time to time. No, you don't. Yeah, it's rare. Who calls your father more, me or you? Yeah, probably you. You might call them both more. I mean, we FaceTime them now and just like,

the whole family talks. We FaceTime on my phone, because I got the plus. I got the bigger phone. That's more FaceTime. Also, you let the kids walk around with the phones. I don't ever let them touch my phone. If the kid touches my phone, I go, don't touch my phone.

Can't stand kids touching the phone, drives me nuts. Who do you like more, my mom or my dad? It's impossible to choose. I think my dad says I love you to you more than I've ever heard him say I love you to me in my entire life. Yeah. You just, you.

The picture you have painted of him is not the, not the Dan I know. Right, you met my father once he got to an age where he just became an old softy. And you know, he's just a, he's just a happy, content, retired man. And your mom, we just send them pictures of the kids and she writes back the exact same thing every time, which is thank you for sending.

Ha ha ha. That's not funny, but it is what she says. That's a funny response. By the way, why do you bleed so much? I'm disease ridden. You don't wear your medical ID bracelet. No, that's not cool. When did you stop wearing your medical ID bracelet?

Maybe high school. I had, for a while I had an ID bracelet. When did you stop wearing your medical ID bracelet? Maybe high school. I had for a while, I had like an embarrassing like silver chain one with like a snake that was red. Just so like everyone in elementary and middle school would know I was weird. And then in high school, I found this website where they did like fancy medical or bracelets

and I ordered like a beaded one. And I thought that was cool for a while, cooler than the other one. But then it was just like, everybody always asks you about it. And you have to talk about it. I hate talking about it. It's just not that interesting.

You say it's not interesting, but yet it consumes our life constantly. That's fair. But not because it's interesting, because it's annoying, and it's just like a thing that's always. Well, I'll explain to people. You have von Willebrand's disease.

Yes, von Willebrand. Type two severe. Yep. I have it all on my phone for when shit goes down, when we get the inevitable car accident, I gotta like tell who's ever trying to save you, like she needs you mate pee. Yes.

How was your first period? It was bad, very bad. My first period just kept going forever. And then they shut you down for the rest of your life. Yeah, then I started taking a couple birth control pills a day, like three or four. Oh, that's cool.

It was really cool. You wanna be in high school taking a lot of birth control pills. I'll be honest, if I got wind of it, if I was in high school, I would be like, that's the girl. That's her, yeah. She is impossible to pregnant. Right. You think that, I would be like, that's the girl. That's her, yeah. She is impossible to him right now. Right.

You think that whenever I call your name, explain to people the inflection. There's just one inflection. So it's impossible to know if you're mad at me. Also, our dog's name is Carl, so just around the house, it's like, Carly, Carl? And sometimes I'll come running into the room and I'll think our child is bleeding on the floor.

And you'll be like, child is like bleeding on the floor and you'll be like, did you see the last shot that Djokovic made? Like it's like just nothing important whatsoever but like a scream across the house. Why weren't you watching him? You act like you wanna watch tennis with me but you're never paying attention.

That's a bigger issue. Speaking of not wearing your medical ID bracelet ever, you also don't wear your wedding ring. I meant to put it on. That was gonna be the last thing I did before I left the house. You have any idea how much that ring cost? Bigly. Yeah. How about the engagement ring? You know how much that cost? Oh I thought that's what we were talking about. I never wear the wedding ring. The wedding ring is just iced out too. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah that's cool. I

could wear that more. You never wear that. Well, I don't really double them up because I have like stubby little fingers and when they're together, I feel like smoshed and like claustrophobic and so. You're a very claustrophobic person. Yeah, like right now I feel a little bit claustrophobic.

Sometimes like she'll just panic and have to start like run. She has to run to her closet to take off her clothes because she's freaking out at the close. By the way, just talking about it, I probably could induce claustrofobia. Yet you're wearing a wetsuit top today, so that's interesting.

It's cute though, right? Oh, you look beautiful. Oh, thanks. Okay, tell everybody how we met because like all great love stories, it involves a 20 somethings job interview with three middle-aged men. By the way, I resent the jokey question because I wasn't middle-aged.

I was, I was 32. Anyway, go on. How do we meet? Okay. I went to interview at Tosh.0. At the time I was secretly living in Florida. I was pretending like I was living in Los Angeles, but I wasn't. So you immediately lied to us.

It all started with a lie, yes. And I went to the interview and there were two Scots. You're starting to hear a voice now. It's starting to pick up, right? We're getting it. Alright, go on. I thought I was doing well in the interview. Like I was trying to be clever. Was I in the interview the whole time?

You were not there, no. Okay. Just me and two Scots. And I was answering the questions, kind of funny and whatever blah blah blah And then you walked in with like this dark cloud over here. You're wearing a beanie I remember exactly your vibe you were like just mad when you walked in the room. I'm at work Yeah, fuck is happy at work Everybody wants people to be always chipper all the time. It's just annoying

Anyway, all right like I inconvenienced you by you coming in. So you come in and you're holding Castro and you sit down in the corner. My beautiful RIP Castro, my wonderful dog. Oh man, okay, I was holding Castro. Okay, Castro jumps out of your lap and like runs over and jumps into mine. But I was like in the middle of answering a question.

Oh, I'm sure it was compelling. And so I didn't really like acknowledge Castro and I just kept going and whatever. And then like, you know, a couple sentences later. No, it wasn't sentences. Whatever, a few words later. It was 30 minutes later. 30 minutes later.

I said, my first thing out of my mouth. Yes, this was the first time you talked. This was the first time I spoke. I said, you don't like dogs, do you? You don't like dogs, do you? Uh-huh, with like that face. Yep. Yeah.

Cause I, cause Castro was just being so sweet and she like literally like wouldn't even put a hand, like not even pet his head. I was like focusing on my interview. Trying to get a job. Listen. I also am not a person that's like, oh your dog, I want to pet it.

Like I don't care. And I'm like, I'm like this lady who was lying about where she lives, you're telling the story of, of the first time we met at the job interview. I could have sworn we met at Dane Cook's game night when you were 11 years old. Oh, wouldn't that be funny?

By the way, you lead the interview and we have this conversation and maybe, I don't know, was it hours later or a day later that you wrote a letter to us? I wrote an email like a thank you for the interview, and then I attached an apology letter to Castro. To my dog for not liking him. And I said, please pass this along.

I actually found that letter the other day. Did you really? Mm-hmm. Oh, that's cute. It said, like, I liked your fur. I hope you found some things that you liked about me too. It was written like dog level. First of all, he doesn't,

Havanese don't have fur, they have hair. Yeah. And I found, I was like, I was like this, I go give her the job. That's funny. I don't care if somebody doesn't like my dog. Fast forward, you were next to Castro as they were injecting poison

into him 10 years later from that interview. And it was almost to the day, yes, and I was bawling because I loved Castro. Uh-huh. Yeah, he was my dog. And they killed him. He slept on your face every night of his life. Yeah.

You really want my, the fans of this show to just embrace you. Tell everybody how much you hate Carl. I find him very obnoxious. I don't hate him. He's sweet, but the barking is like, it's too much for me. You were interviewing, people don't know this about Tosh.0.

The reason Tosh.0 was created, or the reason that Comedy Central wanted the show to exist was because they wanted their website to have a presence. They wanted to compete with Funny or Die and they were getting no traffic. So they're like, they basically like the TV show was its own thing that was kind of cheap and crappy, which it was and they're like,

but we want you guys to have this blog that people actually traveled to. So you were in charge of all the content and creating the blog and you made it hugely successful. Yeah, this is when blogs were big. When blogs were big. Yeah. So you were hired and you had lied,

you were in Florida and so then you quickly. I was at Iguanomia. What's that? In Bonita Springs, it's a Mexican restaurant. Oh, nice. And Bill Wright called me, probably nachos. Bill Wright called, I walked outside and he was Springs, it's a Mexican restaurant. Oh, nice. What were we eating? And Bill Wright called me, probably nachos. Bill Wright called, I walked outside, and he was like, it was a Wednesday,

and he was like, can you start tomorrow? And I was like, tomorrow? I am busy, but I can start on Monday. And I was freaking out because I did not live in Los Angeles. I lived in Benita Springs. He said, hey, the money is bad. And he goes, yeah, the money is bad,

but then he said, it must've been 700, I don't know. Right, and you went. And I was like, what? And you thought it was the most. It sounded like so much money to me. Oh, so green. You were so green. And then I walked back inside and I was like,

I got a job, I have to move to Los Angeles in the next three days. Now the first few years that you worked there, I don't think I ever spoke to you. We didn't speak. Yeah. I don't mix business and pleasure. Okay?

That's not my move. There was one time when we were at a meeting, I was sitting on the floor and there was a poster of Julia Roberts on the floor next to me. And you went out of nowhere in the middle of the meeting, you went, you're prettier than Julia Roberts, but in like a really awkward, weird way.

What is your comparison? That might've been the first time you ever talked to me. I was like, okay. It was just like, you know, you're looking at this movie star. There's a big, big photo of this movie star. And you were right sitting next to her. I was like, look at this, like you're prettier than that movie star. But anyway, that's probably inappropriate.

I probably shouldn't have said something like that. But yet you were still in a room full of dudes. And then you became a writer on the show. You wrote on the show. And then we started dating. Yep. Oh no. Secretly. We secretly dated.

And then you immediately, or not immediately, but you basically just quit. What? So much time passed. You fast forwarded like- A year? At least a year. Okay. A year. I think we secretly dated for a full year.

But then you quit. Why did you quit? Because I wanted to go write on a scripted show. And you went over to Andy Samberg's show. I did. Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Is what we did wrong? Are you dating, were we not allowed to date each other?

I think, no, we weren't allowed. But it was such a small office and so many people were dating, but probably mine was the worst, obviously, since you were the host. When you say we weren't allowed, what does that mean? I don't understand. I think they didn't want the intermingling.

I get that they don't want it. And you're supposed to like report it to HR or something, I don't know who's in HR. Who's supposed to report it? The people in the relationship. But then you can, but then you're, then they say, okay, you can date.

I don't know. I'm not sure what the actual rules are, but. You're not allowed to. But then a lot of marriages and babies came out of that. You know? Forget, I'm just in general. When people say you're not supposed to date somebody at work, I'm like, well, I don't go out at night.

So I don't get to meet somebody. Yeah, I know. We all spend all of our time together. That's why it's hard not to end up dating somebody. How many times have you seen me shit myself? Quite a few. Early on, on one of our first dates, Yes.

On one of our first dates, I had to slam on the brakes, on the PCH, and just run down a cliff. And then I came back and like, I didn't have any underwear and I didn't have a shirt anymore. And then you rolled down the windows and you were like, we're not talking about it. And you like drove back home. But even before that our one of our

very first dates I said hey I need that was our first date. What's that? When you said that you were feeling sick. Yes. Yes that was our first date. First date. Yeah. You I said I'll go I'm feeling sick I think we should get we should get going and we went home and then I excuse myself went to the bathroom and then I came back and you know. And you went home, and then I, excuse myself, went to the bathroom, and then I came back and, you know. And you like started making out with me. Right, and you're like, I thought you were sick. Yeah.

And I go, you don't know what sick means. But no one else says that. No one else is like, I'm feeling sick. That means I have like horrible diarrhea. I've never heard anyone say that besides you. Well, it sounds way better than, I didn't know you well enough to be like, I have horrible diarrhea.

I just said, oh, I don't feel well. But then I felt fine. I was ready to go. One time somewhat recently, I went to go walk into the garage. No, you don't need to share that. Who is the best lover you've ever been with? You, of course.

You're the only person I've ever been with. So that's. That's so sweet. Yeah. You wish I would be a little more like, let people know just how. So that's. That's so sweet. Yeah. You wish I would be a little more like, let people know just how strong our love is. No, thank you. You want to make out on camera?

I think people would be able to tell like our chemistry and our passion. Yeah, probably. If we were to make out. Yeah. I bet. You think about it. Okay.

You think about it. The offers on the table. And as people of this show know, I don't like to put things on this table. But I would love to throw you up on this table in a fit of passion. Maybe at the end. Just make out with you.

What is your worst quality? My worst quality? What do you think I think is your worst quality? My worst quality? What do you think I think is your worst quality? Worst. Because I can think of a bunch. But to pick one that is the worst. Well, I'll give you a hint. Okay.

It's physical. My posture. Yep. That was actually gonna be what I said, but then I was like, certainly there's something worse than my posture. No, there's not. Which is excellent.

It's great right now. I've never, first of all, I've never seen you look so pretty with your hair so pretty, dressed up. I mean, it's just so rare. This is what I look like at home. You wear the same- I love a pair of sweatpants.

The grossest sweatpants every day of your life. And then you force me, I have to, like a lot of relationships, it's like we have once a month, we date night some couples do it once a week now Here's what I do I wait until the end of the year at about you know December and like oh hey We need to go out 12 times Yeah, the once a month thing hasn't really worked no, I didn't I don't I don't I don't put Don't shackle me. Mm-hmm. I just want you to want to take me out, you know

Don't shackle me. I just want you to want to take me out, you know? Without the once a month thing. Do you guys date, do you have date night? Well, I have three kids. It's not like a specific night. You don't have, Eddie doesn't have date night. You two, Dylan, you've been married for six minutes. You already have a fucking,

you're forced to go on date nights? Not forced. Oh, how romantic. Jeez. Okay, but do you do it once a week? Few times a month. You don't have kids, fuck off. Yes, seriously.

I mean, I like to go out with you. Don't get me wrong, it's fun. I like to go to a restaurant. You do make it sound like a chore. I don't know, it's just, well, once you say I have to do it, it's like the dentist is like, oh, every six months I have to do this. Your posture is your worst quality.

And then, and then, not physical, your voice. And then, your name. Oh yeah, you don't like the name Carly. Yeah. I never, I was like Carly. Well the, I think what's- You think my siblings' names are cool and mine is bad. Her siblings all have cool names.

A Taylor, Chase, Jordan, Carly. If you were to give me, that seems like the example question on the SATs. Which one doesn't belong? Which one of these names is bat shit stupid? I mean, I'm not saying Daniel's a good name, although it's biblical. Is Carly biblical? I believe I'm named after Carly a good name, although it's biblical. Is Carly biblical?

I believe I'm named after Carly Simon. Oh, that's kinda cool. I didn't know that. Do you remember when we first started dating at the end of meals, what I used to do to gross you out? Put your hand into the food and then just like, stick it in your mouth? I used to just put my hands all in the food

like when I was finished. Yeah, I think you would do that like around my family. Yeah. It's such a funny rubbing. I think you would do that like around my family. Yeah. It's such a funny bit. I have stopped doing it. I gotta bring the bit back now that I have children. Yeah, honestly. They would lose their mind.

The kids would love it. Yeah. So at the end of meals, like we would be at a restaurant and I'm like, are you finished with that? And she'd be like, yeah. And like, let's just, let's say she had shrimp and grits.

I would just take my hands and put them in the grits and just start going like this and just sit and keep talking to her. And she would just be like, what in the H is happening? Oh, it was fun times. That was a good bit. Do you remember when we were at Cholata, we ordered the golden bags?

By the way, RIP Cholata, burnt down in the last fire. It was a Thai place that we used to go to. Like a little beach shack. Very cute. Very cute. I hope they rebuild it. Anyway, what were you saying about it? We ordered these appetizers called golden bags

and they were like a little fried bag that looked like kind of like a knapsack and you stuck a toothpick in one and you stuck it over your shoulder and you were like, I'm waiting for my ride. And I was like, I have to marry this weirdo. Like what's happening? I had a little bindle.

It was like the dumbest thing I've ever seen anyone do. I was a little hobo with my little tie bindle. And I just appreciated it. In fairness, if you would've, I appreciate you remember that, but those things look so stupid. They look like little nap sacks. Yeah.

You remember when we first started dating and you asked me, I was doing some of your laundry, like, hey, don't dry that one shirt. And I sent you a photo and I had taken all my fingernail and toenail clippings and wrote, I love you on the shirt as I was making sure that I didn't dry it. Yeah, you were definitely the strangest person I've ever dated.

No, it was romantic. I got that still. How long have we been married? Nine years. This'll be nine years. I think that's good that you and I are together because we never, people are like, how long have you been married?

And I'm like, I have no idea. And like, that's not something that would ever upset you that I have no idea because I know that you barely know. I think the other day I said the date wrong. It's the 17th. 17th, yeah. Of April. I said the 16 day I said the date wrong. It's the 17th. 17th, yeah. Of April. I said the 16th.

17th. That's not our anniversary. Yep. Right. I know when it was. Ah, such a magical day. Do you know about the bet Eddie and I made? Yeah, that you would have fewer than.

20 people? 20. Okay, so when Eddie and I were very young, we made this bet. He's like, there's no, I said, I go, when I get married, cause Eddie had two weddings. He had one on the East coast and one in Vegas. And I said, when I get married, there's no way I'm gonna have more than 20 people.

And he's like, all right, I'll take that action. And he bet me five grand, right? It was five grand. It was a lot of money even back then for us. This is way before, way before I ever had a show or anything like that. Anyway, fast forward to us. We were engaged and I said to you, hey, if you could get married anywhere in the world, but we only had like a dozen people, would that offset it?

And you were like, yep. If we can do Italy. And I was like, boom, cha-ching. That is a good move. Your motivations are so, I'm sure your motivation is for that. No, it wasn't. To be honest with you, I forgot about the bet.

No, you did not. I remember this conversation like right after that. I think we talked't. To be honest with you, I forgot about the bet. No, you did not. I remember this conversation right after that. I think we talked about a castle in Ireland or something. Yeah, we did. And then we started looking at villas in Italy, and then you immediately told me that it had to be fewer than 20 people. Yeah.

I don't think that's a bad move, guys. I had to make sure Eddie lost anybody who would have wanted to leave off the invite list? Nope. Anybody you'd like to add? Yeah, I mean, Sam wasn't there, which is baffling. Pete's wife wasn't there. Well, listen, you had to make some tough choices.

And it was fun watching you make them. I didn't get to bring my brother or my sisters. Yeah. I mean, you nixed all my family. No, that's not true. My mom and dad, that's the only ones that got to come. By the way, just cause you got to come to the wedding too, you didn't actually get to come to the wedding itself.

Yes. Then there was a smaller group of the 15 or 16 people that actually watched us exchange vows. I got in trouble for that. From who? Doesn't matter. Who didn't get, of your party? I think people were like taking a back.

I used to be a monster because in the beginning, Carly would like, she would just let me do some of my crazy stuff. And now, now she just runs the house. Do you remember the first song that was played at our wedding? I do. It was Gold Digger by Kanye West.

And I thought that the DJ was fucking with me. The Nazi, the Nazi Kanye West song was the first song at our wedding was Gold Digger. And what was your thought? I mean, I thought that the DJ was kind of like fucking with me, like it felt like he was making like a statement about what he thought was going on, I thought that the DJ was kind of like fucking with me, like it felt like he was making like a statement about what he thought was going on.

Did he play the whole song? Yeah, but I mean, it's a good song. So we were all like dancing to it and this was like pre-Nazi, you know? So we all had fun, but the whole time I was like, why would this be your pick as the very first song at our wedding? Like, I mean, this is after like slow dance,

but the first like dance song was like, so like, I felt like he thought. But did you pick the songs for the wedding? No, I think I just said like American pop music or something. Now, had you not married me, who would have been your second pick at the office for you to have a long-term relationship?

Eddie. Eddie was married. Yeah, that's why I went for you. You would have broke up his marriage. You think you could have infiltrated, interesting. Talk about the time Lena Dunham made you cry. The time Lena Dunham made me cry? Yeah, do you remember this?

I don't know. Okay, then I'll tell the story. Lena Dunham was on Watch What Happens Live or whatever, the Bravo show, and she was asked who the most misogynistic person in Hollywood is. Something to that effect, right? And then she like, you know, kinda was,

I don't know what she said exactly, but at one point she was like, Daniel Tosh, not a Harvey Weinstein who's in jail for, she said me. Now, the reason that she said me was because there was a joke on our show around the time that this came out that made fun of her boobs or something like that.

And this is what I wanna bring up. You were crying because you were like, how do you think it makes me feel to know that I'm dating somebody that thinks you're the most misogynistic person in Hollywood? And I was laughing. I was like, well, I'm not the most misogynistic person in Hollywood.

The guy that's in jail for raping people, that guy has to be worse, right? The point that I want to, I didn't watch Girls. You loved that show. You wrote the joke. I wrote the joke. You wrote the joke that made her say, and I just say the joke.

So the point is you're the most misogynistic man in Hollywood, according to Lena Dunham, who by the way, didn't she write a book, well in their chapter about her molesting her sister or something? Yeah. Yeah, well so anyway, I don't know why you got upset by that, am I misogynistic? No. No.

I think she would be interested to know that like your whole team is women. I don't think she'd be interested in anything about me, but I wish her the best and I've never watched Girls. Let's go back to your career for a second. You've always written for male comedians. Yeah. Because you're not like a, you're not a guy,

one of the guys, you know, they always think that I like comedy writers. Like, oh yeah. Or you know, like the hot chick, she's like, I'm never, I can't be friends with girls. That's not you. No. No, you're not. All you girls. That's not you. No.

No, you're not. All you have is just tons and tons of girlfriends. But yet you write comedy for like dudes. I think I just, that was my trajectory. Are you saying that you, that wouldn't be your specialty? You could branch out? Yeah, I'm trying to branch out. I could branch out.

But I think, yeah, people saw my resume and thought like, oh, she can write this type of joke. And that's how I got certain jobs. You're writing a script now that's inspired by the relationship between you, me, and your sister. Are you going to have to soften that? If somebody right now were to be like, we're going to buy this script, Carly,

and it's going to be on the air tomorrow, would you have to have a sit down with your sister to be like, okay, we need to talk? These are fictional characters. One of them vaguely resembles you. One me and one my sister, but they are not us. I'm not upset by any of the portrayals of me, am I? Everyone is right and everyone is wrong.

That's, you know. Oh brother. It's great. Who should, who would be a perfect cast to play my role? Well, I was trying to pitch Dave Franco the other day. Dave Franco? Yeah. Is that a good get?

I think so. I think so too. You must be the hero. You wrote for Cedric the entertainer too. Now I wanted to play F. Mary Kille with the people that you've worked for. Andy Samberg, Cedric the entertainer myself. We know that you married me. So which one of the other two

do you want to make sweet love to? Cedric's a cool guy, I like him. Okay. So Cedric it is. That means Andy gets the axe. Yeah. Speaking of axe, nobody ever wants to fucking hear their wife tell them about their dreams.

It's just nonsense. Okay, my wife has the most psychotic nightmares. Like she dreams all the time, I had to take an axe and split a guy's head open. This is only when I'm pregnant. No. Mostly when I'm pregnant, mostly. Okay, fine, mostly when you're pregnant,

but regardless, you have serial killer dreams where you do horrible, violent things to people. I've never even cracked open a book to see if that means something. I think that's why Stacey gave me the book of dreams. She was haunted by the dream I told her. What kind of dreams? I mean, honestly, how often do you have those murder dreams?

No, really when I'm pregnant though. I would always be like running from someone, but I would have like a weapon and then I would have to like kill someone in my dream. It happened a lot. Yeah, but like not just kill them, like kill them in a violent way. A violent way.

I would always ask, like will you wake up before you do it? And she's like, no, no, no like not it just killed them, like kill them in a violent way. A violent way. I would always ask, like, will you wake up before you do it? And she's like, no, no, no, I'm just chopping their head open. And I'm just like disgusting. Yeah. Speaking of things that disgust me about you, that you do, when you were talking about

taking birth control, the way you take a pill. It's deep. I don't get it. Some people, you know, like, oh, I don't take pills very well. But for her, it doesn't, by the way, it's not just pills. I'm gonna, I'll point. She has to take the pill and place it

in the back of her throat. Like she literally, like if this goes like this. And I'm like, what are you doing? Well, stop watching me take pills. Okay, but okay, so here's the thing. That's how you eat too. Whenever you're eating like finger food and breaking a piece off, you don't ever just,

you don't like pop popcorn into your mouth. You place it. I think I would miss. I just gotta make sure it gets in there. Makes no sense. You're a big wine drinker, you love wine. You're constantly drinking wine. I'm not sure that's. Would you be happier with me if I drank?

Happier? No, but I think it would be fun maybe to like share a bottle of wine from time to time. That's why I like push a drink over to you, like hey, like the night that I wore this, I think you drank a cocktail. That was cute, right? And then how much diarrhea did I get later?

And then all night long, on my birthday, you were in the bathroom. In fairness, she was dead asleep. I had no idea it was happening. Didn't matter. The Imodium wore off around 2 a.m. The tequila didn't help. The caviar, seafood tower.

It was a big night. Here, let's do this. We're gonna play a little game here, the newlywed game. Okay, what celebrity do people think you look like? Am I supposed to say it out loud? Yeah, I mean, you're not. In the newlywed game, you're supposed to write it down, but I didn't have two boards.

Okay, Rachel McAdams. That's who you think I look like. But only because of my very small breasts. Okay, Rachel McAdams, you really, really went for it there, huh? I used to be told that all the time, and now I'm not, sadly, ever told that. What is my biggest pet peeve about you

when you're in my car? That I either put this down or leave it down. This bitch always leaves her visor down, yeah. It is still in my eyes. We're not the same height, so you can't see what I can see. I'm talking about when I turn. The sun is in my eyes. When I turn down a different road.

You give me like five seconds to put it back up. It's not like on my mind, like, well, we turned, I better bloop. I don't think, I'm 6'4". Like you realize that our sight lines are, when I look to the- You're like the dad that's like, turn the light off in the back, I can't see.

It's like, bitch, you can still see. Like it's fine. Do I let my kids put the light on in the back? Yes, but so let me leave the visor down. I put it on a dim setting. No, that's a blind spot for me when I look to the right. I don't think so. There's all kinds of cameras on the car.

That's true. What's my nickname for you? Tuna Carcar? Oh, that's right. It was Tuna Carcar. I wasn't gonna say bitch. I forgot we used to call you Tuna Carcar. We called you Tuna Carcar at work.

We? I think it was you, no one else. Well, maybe Joe Borden. I kept saying it was a fancy tuna. It's a compliment. Yeah, I don't think a woman wants to be called Tuna. Tuna Car Car was not a bad nickname. It's so bad.

It's so bad. Can't pick your own nicknames. We just happened to you. That's bullshit. You tried to pick your own nickname when you were a kid. Yeah. She tried to get people in her school to call her Sweet and Low.

This is true. I was sort of like shopping it around. Because there was a girl that came in. There was like an older girl who came to like volunteer at like my fourth grade class or whatever. And she was like, my name is whatever, but everybody calls me Sweet and Low. And I was like, oh my God,

that's the coolest nickname I've ever heard. So then I was kind of like trying to ask people to everybody calls me Sweet and Low. And I was like, oh my God, that's the coolest nickname I've ever heard. So then I was kind of like trying to ask people to start calling me Sweet and Low, because it was very small, way smaller than everyone around me. Okay. What grade did you skip? Second.

You skipped second grade, because you were so smart. So smart. Your geography skills are questionable at best. Oh, they're bad, yeah. I'll give you $1,500 right now, if you can point in the direction of Florida.

Okay, wait. So we're in California. Oh my God. Again, this is the valedictorian. That's north. That's north. Over there, right? No.

Oh. You're not even closed. Where is Florida? Point to it. Florida's there. What? No're not even closed. Where is Florida? Point to it. Florida's there. What? No, it's not. Okay.

Everybody that's on the show gets a gift. You know the drill. Yeah. But I was like, how am I gonna get her something that we have? Because it's like, am I gonna just bring in her gross sweatpants and say, here, continue to wear these horrible things.

But we still did it. Okay. Still got you something. Interesting. There you go. But we still did it. Okay. Still got you something. Interesting. There you go. This feels like a book. Don't ruin it by guessing. The prenup.

Bound, bound in leather. I always joked about doing this. I was like, you know what, I'm gonna do it. So what does it say? The prenup. The prenup. It's our prenup. Oh, wow. I do not nice paper. Mm-hmm Do you remember looking at that thing? Did you ever actually read our prenup? My attorney made me like read some of it And she really thought I wasn't taking it seriously. You weren't yeah, I got away with murder in there. Uh-huh Let me see this prenup. I haven't seen this funny. Oh, man. I think I got away with murder in there. Uh huh. Let me see this print up.

I haven't seen this back. Funny. Oh man. We can put it with the photo albums. Yeah, it's gonna be great. Oh, I thought we'd put it on our coffee table. Look at that. That's legit.

I was trying to find something interesting. By the way, every page. It doesn't really say interesting stuff. Every page has our initials. We had initial every page. Oh man, so many things are in here. That's beautiful. I'm gonna sign this to you.

What's your name? Carly Hallam. Ha ha ha ha. No, it's not. Not according to this bad boy. Here you go. Thank you, this is very sweet. Get it off my desk.

You want me to rip that book up right now and void it the whole thing? That's fine. Do you think it would hold up still? I don't know. I don't know how that works. I don't either. She seemed very concerned that certain things were in there.

Your lawyer said, and I quote, I cannot in good faith have you signed this. Yes. And she told me that I will become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and that if we got divorced, I would need a certain amount of money or like I wouldn't be able to live. My businessmen forced me.

They're like, all our clients have to do prenups and you can just put it on her. I guess technically I could've said, yeah, but I'm not gonna do it. But I was like, I'll do it, whatever. Do most of your friends have prenups? They do. Is the biggest reason you don't wanna divorce me

because you're scared who our children would pick in court? I mean, they are very partial to you. Why do you think that is? And who's the strict one? Yeah, you. I'm the strict one. No, it's confusing because like, our daughter will be like, daddy, don't leave me. That's the new one? Yeah, you. I'm the strict one. No, it's confusing because like, our daughter will be like,

Daddy, don't leave me. That's the new thing that she says. Daddy, don't leave me. Daddy, don't leave me. But you'll have just like yelled at her about something and then like, Daddy, don't leave me. And I'm like, I'm standing right here. Like, I will hug you and like pet your hair.

You obviously don't know how manipulation works. Yeah. I don't, and the thing is I don't go anywhere. Yeah. I literally, my entire- Well you went to work one day last week, it was a very big deal in the house. I mean I-

She was sad all day. I work after she's asleep, and then I come here during nap time, one day a week. No, but you were in Vegas. You were in Vegas. I was gone for eight hours. And she told me that daddy went to work, daddy come home, mommy can sit in chair until daddy come home.

When's the last time you went to one of my comedy shows? I caught the tail end of it when I was in Vegas a couple months ago. All right. Does it live rent free in your mind that our son wanted to marry me instead of you? I mean, I thought it was very sweet, but yeah, there was no, he wasn't like waffling or anything.

Who do you think our daughter wants to marry? Probably you. Why don't we have a nanny? Some combination of my FOMO on missing out on our children's lives and your refusal to trust anyone. You yell at me constantly about, this is why we have to have somebody to watch our kids. But we don't. I know. and your refusal to trust anyone? You yell at me constantly about, this is why we have to have somebody to watch our kids.

But we don't. I know. So. Do you think when you get older, you're gonna be like, ah, my one regret. I wish we would have had a nanny so we could have spent less time with our children. I mean, I think that's probably an oversimplification

of the matter, but. I thought it was a good point on my side. What were the runner-up names for both of our children? Our son, for a while we were thinking of Otis. 100%, hold on, you were texting everyone, his name or Otis, his name or Otis, to like, your brother, to your parents. It was the made-up name was the runner-up name.

And then, that was not the runner-up. You liked the name Rigsby, which is just like a combination of letters. It's not a name. And I the runner up name. And then that was not the runner up. You liked the name Rigsby, which is just like a combination of letters. It's not a name. And I never liked that name. But that was his alias. He had an alias. That was his alias at the hospital.

At the hospital, so people would know. Otis was the name that we actually thought about naming him, that we asked people which one they liked. That's The Tractor. Yeah, we didn't have that book then. Everyone's knows about Otis The Tractor. We weren't familiar with Otis The Tractor.

I was familiar with that. I read. And then our daughter's name was maybe gonna be Indigo, which I now find very funny because I think it'd be really weird if her name was Indigo. But I did, I had already purchased letters for her nursery that said Indy and I had to give them away to someone.

Who named both of our children? You certainly named our daughter. Oh man. You were like very aggressive about calling my stomach that and so I eventually was like like I guess that's her name No, that's not even true because you had our daughter and if like two days in the hospital She still wasn't named what to name her and then you start the night nurse you started at pulling nurses Yeah, and the one girl I'd love for you to do an accent for her

She had some opinions. Our kids go to public school. Did you want our kids to go to private school? I went to public school. I'm not against public school, but once I had started looking into private schools, I got very excited by them because I love school and they're so nice.

You're such a nerd. You've always been a nerd and you still are a nerd. Like you, and a lot of people say they're nerds, but like you. You don't think it's sad that one day you're just like, and now I'm done learning, like. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You were obsessed with Broadway and musicals.

And now you're forcing our son to have your same passion. It's working. I don't know if I'm forcing it He's he's all about it and you guys are right now. We're the households really big into wicked Mm-hmm. Yes, you as much as you love musicals and Broadway have the worst singing voice Yes, possibly in the world. I can't sing at all but together the two of us. It's pretty bad It's so bad. And now our son thinks he is really- He thinks he can sing.

He thinks he's really good. Yeah. There's no way we've created a good singer. No, I don't think so. By the way, why don't you- Because he's taking piano lessons and he told me the other day, like, that he's okay at piano,

but what he's really good at is singing when he's playing the piano. And then last night he was walking around singing Rewrite the Stars. Oh, man. It sort of sounded like when I sing. I love the greatest showman. People at home think, oh, you're just teasing your wife.

She probably doesn't sing that bad. Sing that big note in Wicked that people do where you're supposed to let her, Dylan, get ready. There's a note. It's at the end. At the end of the movie. She's like hovering. Let me hear.

Okay, it goes like. Ah! Like that. It's just, how'd that feel Dylan? It was loud. Yeah. What physical thing would you change about me? Do your bowels count as physical?

No, that's innards. I'm gonna give you long hair and put it in a bun. Do you hate that I've been going bald for the past 20 years? I don't hate it. I'm not sure how I'll feel if you, cause like somewhat recently you're like, I'm just gonna shave my head.

And I was like, whoa, let's talk about that. This isn't just your decision. Pete and Eddie are sitting right over there and you just make it sound like they. Yeah, but that's who they are. I know you with hair. Go on, what are you saying? Just a couple of bald.

You guys are just bald men, that's who you are. That's who you are. But it'd be cute if you were like surfer boy, you know, bun hair. I'm 50 years old. That's okay in this town. I'm not 50 yet. Oh, I can't wait to be 50. What do you wanna do for your birthday?

She always wants the plans of my birthday and I don't let her. This is a very annoying thing. Yeah. Because then it's just gonna be your birthday and it's gonna feel like I didn't do anything for you. Except I've been trying to like make something happen and then I'll like throw ideas out at you

and you're like, ugh, no, ugh, that's horrible, it's my birthday. That's right. But then we can't just, it can't just be your 50th birthday and like we're all just like sitting around like, oh, we made tacos. No, we're not, we're not gonna be eating tacos. I'm gonna be eating a taco. Oh boy.

Carly, I'll help you plan it. Thank you. Uh huh. Eddie, you wanna make another bet? You wanna go double or nothing? No, no, Eddie, we will be planning a birthday. Even if it's just a dinner or something. Yeah, I don't think anything special's gonna happen.

I'll let you know though. I got some ideas. Because it's fun to surprise people, but not, you make it like, oh, you've really inconvenienced me by surprising me with something. Well, yeah, I don't wanna be stressed out. It's like a weird.

I don't wanna be stressed out about it. Well I wouldn't surprise you with something you wouldn't like, like I know you. Barely. Okay. You think you know me? You don't know me. What's my favorite color?

Aqua. Wait, one of her friends texted me, hey what's Carly's favorite color? And I just wrote fuck off. What favorite color, were we six? She was trying to buy me a necklace, a very cute necklace that had little beads on it and it had a bunch of color options.

But I was just like, I don't know what her favorite color, I think it's black. He said gray and then she was like not gray and then you said light black or something like that. Light black. And she was like pink or purple. Whatever. You also accused me in public two things

of eating my words. But then also saying things way too loud. Right, and then when I talk about people in public, first of all she says I eat my words because you know how basketball players after games when the two stars come talk to each other, Eddie, they have to go like this so that you don't see what they're saying.

Well, when I'm out in public, I'm aware sometimes that people are listening. So I do a thing where I kind of just start to Jeff Dunham it and I'm like, mm, and I talk, I don't do a lot of movement. It's just like, and anyway, so, but then counter to that nonsense. When I-

It's fascinating that someone would do both of these things. When there's somebody that I wanna talk about or get infuriated by in public, she's like, they can flat out hear you. So loud, so loud you'll say what you have to say, like so that they hear you. So I don't know how you decide in that moment if you're gonna swallow the words you're about to say

or shout them. I feel like some people need to hear it. I'm constantly telling you that you're talking too loud and everyone can hear you. Yeah, I'm constantly telling you you're talking too loud. Well, there we go. You don't wear a wedding ring. That's true.

I just thought of another physical thing about you that drives. My moles? No. Oh. Everybody has moles and she has some moles. Sometimes I'll be honest with everybody, oh, this mole looks like it's turning a little black. You should have it checked out just so that they cut it off. I get that that's probably wrong.

Is that gas lighting? I still don't know what gas lighting is. But the issue, you have a few moles, much like Rachel McAdams. Doesn't she have a big old huge mole? Anyway, you have someone on your back and you like your back aggressively scratched with your nails. Like she's like scratch it, scratch it. And then I'm like, I'm hitting the moles.

I got those ones, the compromising ones removed. No, there's still, there's still one there that I sometimes get, I clip and it just gives me the willies. Because I was on TV, I get invited to things that I never wanna go to, even though I assume you would love to get dressed up and be fancy. Is that one of the things that you would change about me? Yeah, not just like the things you would be invited to,

but just like your willingness to like do stuff. There's like things I would, if I were to change something, I would want you to accept invitations to things and like want to do stuff. But. Was there gonna be a but at the end of that or no? Nope. Nope.

That's why I have to bring our child to the Broadway shows with me because you won't go. But you have- You're like don't do stuff. But you have no problem using the name to make sure that we get better seats at things, free tickets, et cetera. That's true.

Mm-hmm. Why don't you try that with Halam? Mm-hmm. See what kind of doors that opens. Mm-hmm. What do you think, I think, is your best quality? Oh, that's a good one. My butt and my sense of humor.

Oh, man. You got the order right. And how good of a mom I am. Of those of the three. You're a great mother. But you know, like, and maybe it's the whole, the Trump world that we live in now, where everybody's like, where you state these things,

you're the greatest this, the biggest. People, when anybody says that, I go, she's the greatest mother. I'm. People, when anybody says, she's the greatest mother. I'm like, you're an amazing mother, but there's probably no way you're the greatest mom. Probably not, that'd be crazy. Yeah, that's absurd. But yeah, you do a bang up job.

Thanks. You're an amazing mother. I think that's the reason. You know, people always talk about marriage as work. I mean, for nine years, I've put no effort into this, just so you know. I'm being honest, it hasn't been worked. It's been fun, loved every minute of it.

It's not like, oh, we had to get through that trying time. But I think that, you know, I was content to not get married. But then when I met you, I was like, oh, I'll get married to this person. It wasn't scary at all. And the same with having children. Like, I can have kids with this lady because no matter what I do to screw the kids up,

she's going to show off, set it. Now, if you died, oh, that would, that would be the worst part about you dying. Not the grief, but just knowing that like, I gotta replace you quickly. So the kids have somebody, not as good. Do you think you would remarry? No, I wouldn't marry.

You don't think you'd ever remarry? I don't think so. What if I went today? I mean, I'd probably be in relationships, but I don't know if. Huh, what if I went today? I mean, I'd probably be in relationships, but I don't know if I would get married. I'm not 40. So you wouldn't remarry. I know I wouldn't remarry,

but I'm old as dirt, so who cares? I remember one time when I was real young, I was hosting Loveline. Did you ever listen to Loveline when you were a kid? I mean, I know what it is, but no, not really. Yeah, I was filling in for Adam Carolla. What a weird trajectory our careers went. It's like what, you and Dr. Drew?

Me and Dr. Drew, but Dr. Drew was telling me, when you get into the right relationship, you can stay sexually attracted forever you know, for forever. And I just remember looking at him going, bullshit. I was like, that's got to wear off. But now do you feel like you could be attracted to me when I'm 70? Yeah, I don't know about 70.

I don't know about 70. I guess, but I'll be 90. You're not 20 years older than me. No, I think so. Do you say that we're together for nine years or do you put our whole dating five years? I would do the whole thing probably. We're like at 15 years.

Well, we've made it this far. Do you think that this won't age well and when we have some big split up, people are gonna like see? Like the Justin Baldoni, Blake Lively footage where everyone's watching it to see like, you know, what were they really thinking? Whose side are you on in that one?

It's messy. No one looks good. Well, I'm always against the victim. Blame them. If I have to pick sides, I blame the victim. That's what I've learned. Oh no, don't let Lena hear that. I asked this of your father and we joked about it,

but I'll ask it of you. Who do you think between the two of us loves the other person more? Do you think you love me more, or do you think I love you more? I think you love me more, or you just are better at showing love, maybe than I am. It's the first part of that.

What are you saved as on my phone? Best idea ever. Best idea ever. That's why I typed that in when we were like working together. I'm like, here we go. Oh, my wife. My husband. Do you like when people say my wife,

that even seems like a little bit of possession. Do I introduce you as my wife. My husband. Do you like, when people say my wife, that even seems like a little bit of possession. Do I introduce you as my wife ever? This is my wife, Carly. Yeah. I say that? Yeah, that doesn't bother me. That doesn't bother you?

That's normal. All right, that's normal. I didn't know, I don't know the rules, man. I'm just trying to follow the rules. All right, Carly, thank you for being on the podcast. Now get over here and give me a big old smooch. Oh, okay. Well, so quick. There's no passion in this.

There's no, she just laughs at me. This is guys. Try again. Have you ever wondered if your pet is lying to you? Why is my cat not here? And I go in and she's eating my lunch. Or if your pet is lying to you? Why is my cat not here? And I go in and she's eating my lunch. Or if hypnotism is real? You will use this suggestion in order to enhance your cognitive control.

What's inside a black hole? Black holes could be a consequence of the way that we understand the universe. Well, we have answers for you in the new iHeart Original Podcast, Science Stuff. Join me, Jorge Cham, as we tackle questions you've always wanted to know the answer to about animals, space, our brains, and our bodies. Questions like, can you survive being cryogenically frozen? This is experimental. This means never work for you.

What's a quantum computer? It's not just a faster computer. It performs in a fundamentally different way. Do you really have to wait 30 minutes after eating before you can go swimming? It's not really a safety issue. It's more of a comfort issue. We'll talk to experts, break it down, and give you easy to understand explanations to fascinating scientific questions. So give yourself permission to be a science geek and listen to science stuff on the iHeart Video app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's a type of soil in Mississippi called Yazoo clay.

It's thick, burnt orange, and it's got a reputation. It's terrible, terrible dirt. Yazoo clay eats everything. So things that get buried there tend to stay buried. Until they're not. In 2012, construction crews at Mississippi's biggest hospital made a shocking discovery. 7,000 bodies out there or more. All former patients of the old state asylum.

And nobody knew they were there. It was my family's mystery. But in this corner of the South, it's not just the soil that keeps secrets. Nobody talks about it. Nobody has any information. When you peel back the layers of Mississippi's Yazoo Clay, nothing's ever as simple as you think. The story is much more complicated and nuanced than that. I'm Larysen Campbell. Listen to Under Yazoo Clay on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. I wanted a way to figure out how to do something that I loved for the rest of my life.

Join me as we uncover innovations in data and analytics, the math, and the ever important creative spark, the magic. Listen to Math and Magic, stories from the frontiers of marketing on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Amartines. The news can feel like a lot on any given day, but you can't just ignore las noticias when important world changing events are happening. That is where the Up First podcast comes in. Every single morning in under 15 minutes, we take the news and boil

it down to three essential stories so you can keep up without feeling stressed out. Listen Up First from NPR on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh man. I want to thank Carly for being on the show. And we edited out about 48 seconds of just hot steamy love. I mean good grief. Once her lips hit my lips, you can't stop me. I'm going the distance. Ooh, sorry guys.

No, no worries. I mean, that's, that's pornography. What they watched. Yeah. Carl, he's seen it a million times, but these guys, they were like, holy cow. The sparks were flying. I'm surprised this table, which I'll be honest with you right now, reeks to high heaven.

But good to know that it can hold such chicanery. That's passion. Chicanery. Oh man, well I thank Carly for being on the show. What a trooper, pretending to be my wife, so that people at home can be like I thought he was gay but he's not he has a wife. You dumb sheep. It'd be neat if we got divorced like within a week. Anyway we're doing

great. By the way we had some a tragedy in our family recently. I feel like I should share it. Ava, our little dog, our senior dog was almost 15 years old. Uh, she passed away. No, do you say she passed away when you have them put down? Or do you say you have them put down? I still say passed away because it sounds she's, she's dead. And I had to explain that to my kids and that that's not fun.

My, my son made me a beautiful card yeah he drew a photo of Ava under foot because Carly was always stomping on her accidentally of course that's not how she went right right I felt like the card was like look you don't have to worry about this anymore because Carly would always be so, so nasty about it. Anyway, uh, she passed away. Not, not the worst experience. You know, it was a, it was definitely time. I was probably a year past the time she'd been, you know, pretty

rough for a few years and we did it and, and it was sad and I held her and. And, uh, that's it.'s it, you know, pain free. I hope someday that somebody can do that to me. I gotcha. Good. Eddie'll do it. That's what I want. I want Eddie to put me down at some point.

Deal goes both ways. Sure, I'll put you down tonight. I feel fine right now. No, you wanna do it now. You wanna do it and feel good. I actually feel better this week than I did last week. No, I kept waiting for her to be like, oh. I also wanted to know what's the latest someone

has pulled out of not doing it. Cause he like gives them the first needle to like basically sedate them. And then I should have just like, he's like, okay, I'll give you 10 minutes in here before I come back. I should have just left. And just let her have a great sleep. No, I didn't.

It was, you know, and people are always like, oh, what's better? My other, her brother was Castro. He went really quick. Cancer just walloped him. And I'll be honest with you, that was so much better. It hit harder, but two years of a dog struggling is too long. You know you have a bandaid, you want to

rip a bandaid off quick. Imagine trying to slowly pull a bandaid off for two years. That'd be impossible. You have to go so slow to time that out. No way. Anyway, I miss her. I don't get to replace her though, right, Carl? As soon as I came home, what did I come home to after putting Ava down? I came home to you and Potato just shoving the water bowl over. Doesn't matter. All right, let's get to some plugs.

ToshShowStore.com. Buy some merch, get some hats, whatever. Eddie's tour. Uh, my tour comes to see me do stand up. I'm in Minneapolis. Where else am I going to be? Omaha, Kansas city, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Chicago, Illinois, New York, New Jersey.

Oh, and don't forget Philly. I'm going to Philly, the Lisbon of the East coast of America. Ah, I look forward to Philly. Philly crowds are the best. All right. It's time for the free plug. Hit the free plug music. Ah, that was Ava's favorite song.

There's a word for that when everything reminds you of something. Was it lonely? This week's free plug is for the measles vaccine. Head to your doctor's office or local health clinic and get a shot to help prevent the spread of a virus that was previously eradicated the United States 25 years ago. Now you might be asking yourself, but Daniel can we really trust scientists? Yeah, yeah you can. Well now you might be thinking, but Daniel my body's a temple and I only put natural... You shut the fuck up hippie. Get

the jab. You don't know shit about fuck. You're gonna get your kids entire class infected. But wait there's more. If you act right now, not only do you get the measles vaccine, but we're thrown in mumps and rubella. That's three viral vaccines for the price of one, or none if you have any insurance whatsoever. Even the real shitty ones. They'll cover it.

That's the MMR vaccine. Tell them that dipshit RFK Jr. sent ya. See'll cover it. That's the MMR vaccine. Tell them that dipshit RFK Jr. sent you. See you next week. In Mississippi, Yazoo Clay keeps secrets. 7,000 bodies out there or more. A forgotten asylum cemetery. It was my family's mystery. Shame, guilt, propriety. Something keeps it all buried deep until it's not.

I'm Larisen Campbell and this is Under Yazoo Clay. Listen on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Have you ever wondered if your pet is lying to you? Why is my cat not here? And I go in and she's eating my lunch. Or if your pet is lying to you? Why is my cat not here? Am I going and she's eating my lunch? Or if hypnotism is real? We will use a suggestion in order to enhance your cognitive control. But what's inside a black hole?

Black holes could be a consequence of the way that we understand the universe. Well, we have answers for you in the new iHeart original podcast, Science Stuff. Join me or Hitcham as we answer questions about animals, space, our brains, and our bodies. So give yourself permission to be a science geek and listen to science stuff on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Bob Pitman, Chairman and CEO of iHeart Media. I'm excited to share my podcast with you, Math and Magic, Stories from the Frontiers of Marketing.

Make sure to check out my recent episode with legendary musician and philanthropist, Jewel. I didn't want a million dollars, I wanted a career. I wanted a way to figure out how to do something that I loved for the rest of my life. Join me as we uncover innovations in data and analytics, the math, and the ever important creative spark, the magic. Listen to Math and Magic, Stories from the Frontiers of Marketing

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Alec Baldwin. This season on my podcast, Here's the Thing, I speak with California Governor Gavin Newsom. Is there any chance of increased tax breaks for the movie business? We're going to double it. You are. I proposed that a few months ago and that was right before the fires. What are the fires only reinforce?

The imperative and also working with all our friends, you know, the who's who of Hollywood saying it's time to double down on bringing production back to California, particularly this time of recovery and renewal. I said to my legislative friends, I said there's no budget, I'll veto the budget. If we don't get it done, it's going to get done.