Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 10 - Gettin' Book Learnt With Ricky

Episode Date: June 10, 2019

Ricky's been browsing the True section of the bookstore, and has been getting learnt about paranormal pets! And did Bubbles really own a book-reading kitty? Also: A muscleman with more muscles than Julian, chickens that are really pancakes, and a spider that gives you a boner! Holy f**k, that hash jello was strong...

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🎵 🎵 🎵 Boys! Ricky! What the fuck are you doing here? You left your pens in my shed. What are you doing?

The fuck is that? You made a big batch of high-low, did you? Mm-hmm. And you're fucked now. Mm-hmm. Ricky. Julian. Mm-hmm.

We got to do the thing. Were you eating that stuff with him? What stuff, man? The big fucking block of fucking hash and weed and jello. I ate some jello, man. I didn't eat any hash. Well, oh, yeah. Just straight jello. Let's go. Get your arse up. What are you talking about, Bubz? We gotta do

the thing. Do what fucking thing? Perk after dark. What the fuck? Do the clocks go ahead or something? It's still dark, isn't it, though? Does it look dark? I don't know. I haven't opened my eyes yet. It's fucking 10 a.m., boys. Wake up.

Oh, my God. Ricky, what the fuck? Where did you get this? Is this what you're using to eat with? Yeah, you can eat faster. No, you can't. The bigger shit is, the quicker shit is. This is your spoon now, is it? Ricky, you can't get any more.

It doesn't make your mouth bigger. I mean, just like Confucius. Bigger shit is the faster shit. No, the bigger shit is the quicker shit is. The what? You left your markers in my shed. Here man, have some. It's good. I'm not fucking eating that. Are you crazy? Just make sure you got nothing to do for four or five hours.

And what are you doing with these? Those are my giant toothpicks to go with my giant spoon. They're wooden chopsticks, Ricky. They're not toothpicks. They're fucking wood. You'd think that's a toothpick. It's a wooden thing, yeah. It says chopsticks right on them.

Wooden chopsticks. I thought that was Chinese for toothpick. Oh, my fuck, Ricky. You know, Chinese doesn't use letters like us, right? It wouldn't say... Oh, God. Anyhoos. How are you doing?

What are you saying, man? I'm fantastic. How come you left so early last night? Because I had to get up early. For what? I had to go looking early. For what? I had to go looking for carts. There was a bunch of carts. I heard through the grapevine that there was a few that were going to end up in the fawn.

I forgot I was reading last night. What were you reading? Did you know your cats can fucking see in the future? You just gotta figure out how to learn what they're saying. How do you do that? What are you talking about? What is this? It's a book I got into getting read. Psychic pets.

Oh, come on. Fucking cool stuff. How to identify, interpret, and coax extrasensory responses from animals. Boom. So, can you, is there any, like, truth in this shit or what? What do you think? I don't fucking know. You're the cat expert here, man.

It's a book. Of course it's true. Ricky, this is bullshit. Well, how'd they let them write it down then? It's not true. I mean, it's hard to get a book fucking going, isn't it? So there's gotta be some truth in it, Pops. Chapter one, it's hard to get a book fucking going, isn't it? So there's got to be some truth in it, Bob. Chapter one, telepathic dogs. So what is it?

Perhaps no other single animal has inspired such rhapsodies of affection and nostalgia as the dog. Bullshit. That one sentence right there tells me it's bullshit. It's even an old book, so it has to be true. On the making of a psychic pet? I want to see the section on cats. What do you think, people just make stuff up, write it down, and it's a book? Yeah, that's called fiction.

Well, that's not fiction, is it? This was in the truth section. The truth section? I don't know, Bubbs, I kind of... Penetrating the psychic world of your pet yeah i bet you they're penetrating some things these weird bastards there's a lot of people banging fucking pets psychic cats i hate the word fiction non-fiction it's too confusing why don't they just say true or not true well because that's... That's a good question. And non, because nonfiction, that's the true stuff, isn't it?

Yes. And it sounds like non-true. No, because fictional means made up. Not real. Well, it's dumb. They should change that. So you think nonfiction should be non-true. Well, it is non-true.

It's true, not true. If you walk in the fucking bookstore, true, not true. Yeah, but fiction, non-fiction. Okay, true, made up. Fiction, made up, non-fiction, non-made up. Don't like it. Unless you're at least 10 or 12, you're not fucking taking that. Or what if he was like, the truth and then bullshit?

Perhaps the most telepathic and mysterious of all animals, cats, have been worshipped, feared, included in complicated... Whoa, man, sorry. ...witchery. I always thought cats were the dumbest. You think so, do you? Well, you don't see... Have you seen the Supercats cat show I put on?

I know, but you also see these things on, like, you know, fucking those talent shows where there's dogs running around fucking jumping over things. That doesn't mean they can see into the future. I'm just saying they could be smarter or more talented than cats. No, they're not. Cats are the smartest animal there is. Bull fucking...

They're not smarter than a fucking monkey. Smarter than a dolphin and a monkey. Bull fucking shit. They are. I had a cat that could read. Yeah, well, I'm gonna... He could read a full buck. He could read full shit.

He used to read. I'd come home and he'd have a buck out. I knew a dog that could count. Come used to read. I'd come home and he'd have a buck out. I knew a dog that could count. Come on, Buck. I have had lots of cats that can count. Well, how do you know, Ricky? You can't even fucking count. I had a dog when I was little that could say ten words.

Mm-hmm. Ricky. They all sounded a lot alike, but they were... What's the word? Bark? Bark, bark? No. That's... He could say, hello. Say what?

Hello. No, that was just too bark because he had to piss or something. I had to go outside. What else could he say, Reggie? I think it was good morning, but that seems awful long. What? Oh, it was hungry. I forget how was good morning, but that seems awful long. Good morning.

Oh, it was hungry. I forget how he said hungry, but he said he can tell you if he's hungry. Hungry! That was pretty close. Yeah. He's just barking. It almost sounded like horny. It was kind of... Hungry!

Yeah. Boys, they're not trying to talk. No, I agree. Ricky, what the fuck? It's barking. The fuck's going off this internet, man? Don't read this anymore. Just, I mean, are you sure?

It's not really... How much fucking hash and weed did you put in this thing? A lot. Like there's chunks sitting right on it. Well, when you're fucking hammered, you don't really blend things up the way they should be blended, all right? God, that's probably, that would take down a fucking elephant. Okay, are we going to start? I'm trying to figure out if fucking dolphins are smarter than cats, okay?

Give me a second. They're not. Did we say welcome, though, and everything? Oh, no, we didn't do any of that. Because remember, I fucking, you said it sucked. When I did it, it sucked. It wasn't like the last time. It sucks this time.

Well, maybe you could try. What's going on, fuckers? This is another episode of Perk After Dark. People have been calling it pad. And it's going down right now. Here you go, Bob. I'm passing the wand to you. See?

This is why I got into getting this book read. Listen to some of these things. Okay, people are debating this. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Sugar, a cat who journeyed nearly 1,500 unknown miles from Anderson, California to Gage, Texas. Gage, Texas, yeah. To find her owner's new home. Yeah.

A much-publicized pigeon who traveled more than 120 miles to visit his injured owner in the hospital. Yeah. There you go. So what's that mean? What's that tell you? That they fucking animals know a lot more than we fucking everything we got any credit for. They're saying dolphins and dogs

are the most intelligent animals, along with the fucking monkeys. Cats are way down. I thought it was a crow. Crows are smart. And so are rats. Smarter than cats? Nope. Cats have their own language.

Get off this whole fucking cats are the greatest things in the world, man. I love cats, but they're not smart. They can communicate better than dolphins. Bull fucking shit. They can. I'm telling you. They communicate better than dolphins. Bull fucking shit. They can. I'm telling you. They communicate with their minds. I don't give a fuck anymore.

Who cares? I don't care, man. Really. Just telling you. Maybe we just don't know the right language. I believe that cats are speaking with each other. Like if I was in Rush right now, I wouldn't know what the fuck they were saying. Same thing.

Well, it's just like in that Nell movie. Remember? She grew up the fucking monkeys or something. The owl? Nell. Chickabye. What's a Nell? The fucking Nell.

Nell. You know, what did she say? The fucking, she was trying to talk, but they found her? I don't know. Chicken pie. No. Chicken pie, like she was fucked. My father never came as a chicken pie.

She was kind of talking like a monkey. You're thinking of Rain Man. No, man, I'm not talking about Rain Man. Chicken pot pie? No, the fucking, she was, oh my fuck, I gotta look this up now. Now? It was Jodie Foster, remember?

Oh, I thought you meant now the sitcom with the big black lady, Nell Carter. No, man. No, no. But I'm just saying she could communicate

with the monkeys, right? No, that was, that was Jane Goodall. That was the goddamn, you know, fucking misty, fucking, I'm not talking about the gorillas. Gorillas in the mist. I'm not talking about that, man.

I'm talking about a fucking movie. And a monkey can talk French. She was a fucking chick that got lost in the woods and all of a sudden the apes are taking care of her. That was Tarzan. No, this is a different fucking story, man. Anyway, she got back and it was kind of like, yeah, it's a ripoff of fucking Tarzan. No, Tarzan didn't get lost out in the woods.

Well, his parents were. Tarzan came down from another planet. No, he did not. Tarzan did. Tarzan did not, man. He was from Tarzania. No, man, he was on a fucking shipwreck. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. His parents were fucking, they lived on an island. He fucking, they died. Tarzan. No, that's Superman. He lived on Krypton. No, no, man. I'm not talking about fucking Tarzan.

You think Tarzan ever met Lex Luthor? Tarzan was a normal fucking human, man. He wasn't normal. Oh, he was a normal human. Most humans can swing from vines and communicate with monkeys. He was raised by fucking the animals of the jungle, okay? No, that's the jungle book. He's the lord of the jungle.

He's the lord of the apes. Okay, whatever the fuck he is, he's the lord of something. You're thinking of Jungle Book. That was a good fucking book. Jungle Book with the big, what was the big bear's name, Kazoo? That's like a fucking cartoon, man. No, it's not. It's a live action movie. Was it? Well, I didn't see it.

What was the bear's name, Kazoo? I don't go to fucking kids' movies, okay? No, it was not Bullwinkle. Fuck. It was Kazoo. No, Kazoo was thewinkle. Uh, fuck. It was Kazoo. No, Kazoo was the little cocksucker on the Flintstones. Yeah. Who were you trying to think of?

The big bear in the Jungle Book. I don't give a fuck. Delbert? Delbert the fucking bear. Was it Delbert? I can't remember. Anyway. Wow, that was a tangent.

Did I eat some of that fucking yellow? I hope so. The whole conversation wasn't necessary. I'm about to eat some more of it. This fucking... Your internet sucks shit, Ricky. Oh, fuck, sorry. You gotta call... You know why? I don't use it. Well, whose fucking internet is this? Well, that wouldn't make it suck.

Well, if I use it, I might give more than one fucking vote. Would you like me to set you up a little hot spot with my phone? I know how to do that now. Just a sec. I think I got it. And this isn't even going to be worth it. I've been fucking trying to get on this goddamn site. It's not going to be worth it. Ah, here we go again.

Hey, what was that shit that that guy at the mall accused you of doing? Your arms. Oh, fuck. Those dickheads. I thought you were some... got oil injection check the buffs you're gonna fucking freak out when you see what these stupid assholes are doing why these dudes check this shit out man holy fuck i guess you see what you were beating off too this is what the fuck is it look at these motherf motherfuckers. Yeah, there's Julian's jerk material. What's it called, though?

Synthol, man. It's an oil. They're fucking pumping this shit in them so they can look big. So what? So they're not strong. They can barely fucking pick up that jello, yet they look like inflated fucking parade balloon creatures. Look at these fucking idiots. Look at his forearm. Yeah, he's

fucked. What the fuck? And it says Brazilian bodybuilder uses oil injections to boost his muscles and ridiculous. He's not a bodybuilder. This guy's a fucking idiot. What the fuck is the music? You just want to punch somebody like that in the face, don't you? Might be a nice guy, though.

He's just fucked in the head. There's no way he's a nice guy. You know why? Why? Because he's an idiot. He's an arsehole. I guarantee you he's an arsehole. Well, maybe he just needs help. I think he needs to be in the hospital.

Maybe he's not an arsehole. Maybe he's just, you know. No, he's a fucking arsehole, man. He's got some fucking issues. Yeah, they're all over the place. You know another thing they're doing? He needs counseling. They're doing that slap competition over in Russia and shit.

It's not like arm wrestling anymore. It's like you stand there and you bout each other in the jaw. Yeah, until someone gets too fucked up. That's pretty fucked. Better do a ball off. No, Ricky. You know what? In this case, I think a ball off is, you know,

a more sane thing to do. You clean out your ear? No. That's what it looks like. Give my head a scratch. This is a nice scratcher, except it's broken. Huh. Fuck's sakes.

Here, I guess we could just use that part. Look at that. It's nice. Feels nice. On the head. What the fuck are you doing, man? Little scratch here. Don't touch me with that. Why?

You might have lice. Don't fucking put that in my drink. Oh, Ricky, do you got any vodka left? Get a drink, man. I'm trying to get some shit up in here. I don't know. There's still quite a bit in here. If you want this one. No, there we go. You got some.

Yeah. Decent. Is that the lobster vodka again? I don't know. I think it is. Yeah, man. Look at that. It's not lobster flavored, though. No. Holy fuck! This is weird. Why?

Check this fucking thing out. Guess what that is. Cigarettes? Somebody's mouth? Well, somebody's kind of looks like that. That's a little fucking change purse. You fucking throw the money in the mouth. It's freaking people out. No, it isn't.

Yeah, man. For real. You can buy these things. That doesn't look real to me. I don't think that's sold as a change purse. I think that's sold at the sex shop. No, no, no, no, it's not. Because as you can see, they thought of that,

but then they put these teeth. In the way? So that people don't put their... So it's like a little roadblock. It's a road, yeah. It's like those metal posts they put up so you can't turn down the street. It'd be like sticking your unit into a shark's mouth, I guess. It's like little things that are...

Well, you could remove the teeth. Snap the teeth out of it with a pair of pliers. Or you could put a... And then you're partying. Except it's got a beard. It's fucking... Yeah, why would you want to do that, Bob? I'm just saying there's people out there that are going to do that.

They're going to shave it. I bet you you would try it. They're going to snap its teeth out. You would probably knock the teeth out, put like some gum or something in there. I'm not the one beating off the bodybuilders, am I? I'm not fucking beating off the bodybuilders. Fucking Jesus, man. Is that on the same website?

No, it's not on the same website. Holy fuck. Okay. This guy's, this isn't so bad. Ricky's done this tons of times. This man agrees to be paraded naked on top of a car as punishment for cheating on his wife. That's nothing. That's real fucking tough punishment. That's a tough punishment, right? What's he doing? He's just, he's there on top of a car driving around. I've woken up like that more than once. And the other way.

Oh, yeah. The morning thing going on. Cock up. That would be punishment right there. Just like a sundial. A sundial. I'm surprised you even know what that is, man. Oh, I used to use them.

Okay, but no, man. I never had the time right, but I was close a couple times. It wasn't from the sundial, man. You just guessed. Remember, Ricky, remember we had the ones that come out of the popcorn, the Cracker Jacks, the watch ones? We used to walk around pretending we knew what time it was.

It was kind of weird. Flavor Flav had one, too. Flavor Flav? Yeah. That's why he used to say, I know what time it is. He'd pull out his sundial. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to have a fucking clock around his neck or something, didn't he?

A clock? Look at this fucking thing. Guess what that is. That's a balloon. Bob, why don't you learn how to do that down by the waterfront? I can't see it. Let me see it. It's a fucking insect, but that's balloons, man. That's the nicest balloon.

Holy fuck. That's a nice job right there. A balloon wasp. I bet you you can get 50 bucks for that balloon. Oh, fuck. I'd pay more than that. He's a balloon wasp. That's pretty, actually, that's pretty good. Yeah, well.

Ballooner. So you're beating off that too? No, I'm just trying to think of ways of making money. We could probably, you could make a ton of those things. We could sell them for 50 bucks, man. What the fuck is this? Well, why don't you figure out how to make them? Because I don't have time to make shit like that.

Okay, food stall sells pancakes shaped like a fucking chicken. Look at that, pancake chicken on a stick. Man, you're on some weird sites. Are those pancakes or balloons? That's a pancake. Why has it got greenery in the background? That's just the background, man. They're holding up in front of a fucking plant.

Let me see this again. I can't see these things. I'm telling you, we could set up a booth downtown, Halifax, selling chicken on a stick. It's just a chicken with cheap fucking waffle makers all it is. Yeah, you fucking take that with a little container. I don't think that's pancake.

I think that's chicken. See? It's not. That's a fucking chicken. No, I bet you it's a chicken and they use pancake mix as the stuffing. That's what it is.

No, no, no, no, no. Then when you're eating it, it's technically pancake chicken. They have a mold of a fucking chicken and they fucking put the shit in it, put it on a pot or a pan, heat it up, and that's it.

They probably got to do all this shit. I don't get the point of it. It's a chicken on a fucking stick, man. It's just people eat people like shit like that. It's a fucking pancake. Yeah, why not just have a traditional pancake? Or a fucking pancake football. Plus, that would not cook evenly.

Here's a pancake baseball. There's little leg nubs. Well, somebody's making cook evenly. Here's a pancake baseball. His little leg knobs are like... Somebody's making fucking millions of dollars off of chicken fucking pancakes. I want to know what are their annual sales?

What the fuck is this? Dragon's Den, man? I don't fucking know. And his chicken knobs would cook faster than his thighs. Right. It wouldn't be cooked

properly through. No, there's no way to do it. It's a terrible idea. I'm done with ideas then. No, keep coming. Just come up with a good one. Here we go. Here's a bunch of them already made.

Huh. Wouldn't you walk by that and say, I've got to have one of those fucking things? I'm not sure I would. It looks awkward to eat. It's weird. How big is it? Is it the size of a chicken?

It's the size of a chicken I like, man. Who's going to eat a fucking pancake the size of a chicken? That thick? All right, okay. A pancake this big around and this long, and you got her on a stick. Okay. Trying to dip it in syrup. I'm going to set this up for you.

Butter dripping off. We've been drinking all fucking day, okay? Let's do it. We've been just eating some fucking jello like that. We've got serious munchies. We smell the smell of pancakes in the air. We walk up to this fucking thing, a bunch of chickens. You can't tell me you're not going to pay $20 for one of those things.

No. I don't think so. I'm going to walk next door. I'm going to walk next door to Smitty's and get regular pancakes. I just don't think there's no fucking way his little wings and his little legs are cooked. I'm going to walk next door to Smitty's and get regular pancakes. I just don't think there's no fucking way his little wings and his little legs are cooked. Like his thighs. Like his thighs. Or his breasts.

You know what I mean? That's cooked. I think the tip of it is overcooked, and I think maybe the wings are overcooked as well. I agree, Ricky. Why couldn't they make it like a bologna log pancake? I don't know. Why don't we go to Taiwan where they're doing this stupid shit? These should be fucking consistently cookered.

Oh, you know what they also sell? Okay, here we go. You know what? That does look kind of... They're only small. What is it? That's them, man. Oh, thank you. What are they? That's the fucking man. Oh, all right, thank you. What are they?

That's the fucking... That's the pancake chicken. Let me see them. I can't see them. Oh, it's the stuff. Okay, now it makes more sense. There's shit in the middle. So it is consistently cooker, just... It's weird.

It's not a fucking pancake. It's a goddamn... It's like a... Danish. It's like a chicken Danish. Dessert. Donut. It's like a chicken donut. Okay, just a chicken donut. It's like a chicken donut.

It's got filling in it. There's a video, okay? Maybe this is gonna explain everything. We should try to make one, Ricky. A chicken pancake? Yeah. Or a chicken dinosaur. If we took one of your dinosaurs and hollowed them out, we could fill them with pancake batter and cook them. Let's make a dinosaur pancake, man.

We're gonna have to make a mold. Did you ever have a deep-fried marshmallow? No, I heard it. Maybe it was you. I heard they're pretty good. Oh, you wouldn't believe it. What do you batter them in? Batter.

Makes sense. You know what? There's a video on these fucking pancake chickens and I can't open it up because it's not fucking working. Well, You know what? There's a video on these fucking pancake chickens, and I can't open it up because it's not fucking working. Well, you know what? Next time you come here, we're going to have the high speed going, bud. Ricky, you probably just need to reset your router. It's going to baffle you how fucking quick shit is.

Well, we need something. You'll be like, whoa, slow the fucking internet down, bud. It's too fast. No, I won't be saying that. All right, fuck it. I might have to have a nap, boys. Oh, I thought you'd never ask. Well, I'm not asking you.

Ricky, show me how you use your new spoon. Oh, man. Do you side load it or do you front load it? Well, when you think about it, one spoonful, done. Yeah, Ricky, but it doesn't mean you can eat any faster. But if you had a little spoon, you'd have to fucking do that 14 times. So you're, I mean, you're cutting down on this time,

the back and forth with the mouth? Right, it's not fucking efficient. You just go like one big shovel and then you just keep her here? Do you do that or do you front load her? It's really good for soup. It's like a bowl almost. Except I'm gonna have to buy a bigger bowl because it's harder to get the soup out of the bowl.

You can't use a cup. That's fucked on so many levels, Ricky. I don't even know what to say. All right, boys, this is going to freak you out, but in Brazil, there's a Brazilian wandering spider that bites you.

You get an uncomfortable fucking boner that lasts for hours. Did you know that existed? I did not. What do you mean an uncomfortable boner? It's fucked, it's hard for so long that it starts to turn painful.

I can't imagine that ever happening. I was thinking the same thing. So wait, what's he called? A wandering spider that wanders around. Yeah, he's wondering if you need a boner or not. That's what he's wondering. He'll give you one. Well, if it's painful, it must be like

just throb and probably add a half inch on there. Well, I'm telling you, man, he's a fucking pretty... Look at that gnarly looking... There's a way to make money, bud. Does it need to bite you on the wiener or can it bite you anywhere? It can bite you anywhere, man. It's just... Start bottling those up and selling them. Yeah, but I was

thinking of that, but man, I don't like spiders. It should be called the Viagra spider. Must be a way to get his magical liquid out of him without him biting you. Yeah, you could probably put it in a capsule. All you need is a pair of tweezers. To do what? A little bit of spider lube.

You're not going to jack off a spider, man. No, I don't think... It's out of the fucking... Jack off Spider-Man. No, he must have fangs, does he? He's got fangs, but who wants to deal with these things? No, but there must be a fang, land. The fuck? But that's a lot of money, man.

But they already sell Viagra and Cialis. It doesn't give you an uncomfortable boner for hours. No, it does, actually. Cialis does. I've heard. I've never taken it. All right, I can't do anything with this internet, man. We've got to fucking try.

Can't we jack into, like, fucking... Hey, what was that snake? Someone else's? You were telling me about, man. That sounded fucked. What snake? He bites you and he makes your blood boil. Oh, yeah.

Cock sucker. He's down in Costa Rica. Eyebrow viper. Eyelash viper. Yeah, the yellow eyelash viper. He bites you. Yeah. And it turns your blood to that.

This. Jelly. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've seen it. Yeah, you can take it out. Yeah, you're dead in 30 seconds. No turning back. Didn't they show it was a thing with blood, and they put some of this?

They put some of his juice in it, and then it just turned into that. Vagulates it, and then... Yeah. They just blobbed her out on the table. That's what it does in your veins. Little fuckers. That's what it does in your veins. Imagine, he must feel pretty tough, though.

He'll be like, all right, bud. You want to fuck with me, do you? I'm going to turn you into jelly. I'm scared of fucking... Please, sir. ...thirty-fifty fucking... Jellify your blood. I wish I had fucking 30 seconds. Jelly-fy your blood. That would be a great superpower, wouldn't it?

Jelly-fy your blood? What would his name be? Yeah, that's a tough one. Jal Law. Like J-Law. I've got to have a nap, boys. I'm telling you. I can't.

I'm done. I'm napping first. Nobody's fucking napping. Are you kidding me, boys. I'm telling you. I can't. I'm done. I'm napping first. No, I'm good. Nobody's fucking napping. Are you kidding me, man? I got the couch. God damn it. I got the fucking chair, I guess. You can snuggle up with me if you want, Julian.

You're gonna miss the fucking chicken pancakes. Here, man. I'll snuggle up. No, I ain't. No. No, man. My feet need to go there. Look at that little cute couple. My feet feel nice on your wiener, Julian. I'll just get it off my fucking wiener, man.

All right, I'm done. All right. Good night. Oh, we should say bye. No. Bye, everybody.