Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 104 - Like A Cock-Shaped Iceberg

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

The Boys were into the weirdo hash before sitting down for this podcash (and Bubbles crushed plenty of Freedom 35 lagers). They deal with rooftop seagulls, sing about cockbergs, and Ricky gets a package from Crayola Canada! Episode 104 is brought to you by the Official Trailer Park Boys Store and the Boys' own Freedom 35 lager, now available across Canada!

Double fisting? No, Bob's your wife. What's going on there? What? You got two drinks on the go. I poured you a fresh beer. Look at all the cans. I am fucking right out of it. But I got this. I know, but I poured you beer. I poured you one too, Rick.

Oh, right on! You know what? I'm gonna drink this. I'm gonna drink this whole fucking beer. Blah, blah, blah you beer. I poured you one too, Ricky. Oh, right on. You know what? I'm going to drink this. I'm going to drink this whole fucking beer. Bubblah, bubblah, bubblah, bubblah. Bubblah, bubblah, bubblah. Bubblah, bubblah. Bubblah, bubblah.

Bubblah, bubblah. Cheers. Cheers, everybody. Who's calling you Bubblah? Oh. Bubblah, bubblah, bubblah. That's my happy name for you. Bubblah, bubblah, bubblah?

What do you mean, your happy name, Ricky? I don't know. You have a boner name for me. A boner name? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Bubbala, Bubbala, Bubbala? What do you mean your happy name, Ricky? I know you have a boner name for me. A boner name? Yeah.

What is it? I don't know. I just know you've said that in the past, that you were saying my name, you got a boner. Okay, where are we, boys? We are... That was fucking weird. We're gonna do this podcast. Episode 104. Alright, that's why you...

What's going on, fuckers? Official Trailer Park Boys pod... This is a weird coincidence. Oh, fucking Jesus. Did I interrupt something? This is the official Trailer Park Boys fucking podcast. Fuck yourself.

Coming right now is episode 104. We're right at you. Wow. Jesus. Fuck, boys. I'm exhausted. I'm fucking wanting more. You're a professional.

Fucking exhausted. Way to reel them in and make them want to wish they fucking hadn't tuned in. We just had the fucking film crew following us around for how many weeks now? Five. Yeah. Done. Or sank, as they say, in certain parts of the country. That's right.

God damn it, Puffs. Wow. Drinking. Let her out. Drinking. Don't hold back for us. I'm not. So, yeah, the fucking camera's been following us around for five weeks.

God, I want to fucking smash something with that, but I'm going to hold off. And when we got back, there was this fucking package waiting for me here. I'm pretty excited, but I should say I'm sort of excited, but sort of scared because it's from Crayola, Canada. What? What? Another package. It could be a nasty letter about suing me over fucking all the shit I said about Dandelion Yellow being... You never told me Crayola sent you a package. I know.

I wanted to be a surprise man. How do you open a package like this? Well, they've already sent you a what? No, Ricky, you don't. Ricky. No, no, no. You're not going to open it with a rubber hammer, you stupid fella. Oh, Ricky, get your keys out.

That's a good idea. Or a screwdriver. Just nip the tape with it. Here, that might work. I hear seagulls. Ah, fuck! So what the... I mean, they've already sent you a bunch of little crayons. They sent you a, what, a five pounder?

When did they send me a bunch of them? No, no, that was a fucking fan, you son of a bitch. I thought Crayola sent you something, man. Yeah, this. This. We'll get into it, boys. All right, we're in. You just hacked your way in.

That fucking thing's great for opening packages. No, it's terrible. It took, like like four minutes. Creole Canada from Ontario. Let's see what we're dealing with here. This is exciting, Ricky. I never... What you doing you don't think it's a... Oh fuck, what the fuck, are you kidding me?

Oh, decent! What the fuck? Holy fuck! This is fucking unbelievable! Is that real? You're goddamn right it's real! Is that a real fucking crayon? Oh shit! Look at this! Oh my god Ricky! Oh my fuck! Full pack! I don't care about the full pack. Full pack of... Oh my God, are they real? Ricky, do you understand what this is? That's real.

No, it's not. That's a real fucking crayon. That's a real crayon. Holy fuck. Man, that is something else. All right, Crayola Canada, you guys fucking rock. It's not just for kids. Here, look, I'll take some paper.

This is the best thing that's ever been sent to me ever. Let me see. Look at this. I shouldn't say his name. Maybe he might get mad. But Paul from Crayola Canada, thank you very much. Look, it writes. I think he even drew a little thing on his card for me.

Look, I just drew that. Okay, well, don't waste it. Waste it? Goodbye, game of life. Do you know how long this fucking crayon's going to last you? About a day and a half. Ricky. You don't have much call to do.

Okay, just a second. You don't have to wear that fucking thing down in a day and a half. This is from Paul. You can paint your whole trailer with that. Ricky. Easily. I am an avid listener to the Trailer Park Boys podcast, a.k.a. Podcash. This guy's really awesome.

And I heard how upset you were with Crayola on Podcash episode 93. To cheer you up, Crayola Canada has sent you 24 dandelion crayons and a limited edition 2-pound dandelion crayon. Hope you enjoy, Paul. That is fucking amazing. That is amazing. Way to go, Crayola. You guys are fucking amazing. I have no need or reason to ever be upset. I have enough dandelion

yellow until my last dying coloring day. And this was, I believe, this was molded off of Bob Ross' wiener. Bob Ross the painter? Yeah. He had a big wiener? Oh, I believe this was molded off of Bob Ross's wiener. No. Bob Ross the painter? Yeah.

He had a big wiener? Oh, I think it was shaped like a crayon. I'm sure you can. You imagine? There it was. That is the coolest. What are you going to do with it, Ricky? I'm going to mount it in a case with a lock that I can...

You should color in your bedroom. You know what? I'm going to have to put it in a lock box with a lock that I can... You should color in your bedroom. You know what? I'm going to have to put it in a lock box with a combination, and I have to forget the combination so I can never use it. Because I'm going to look at it, and every time I see it, I'm going to want to use it.

I guarantee you that thing's going to be broken in half within three days. I'm willing to put money on it. I'm protecting this crayon with my life. $20. I hope you're not planning on putting that anywhere. Weird. What would make you think of that, Bubbs?

You want to use my crayon for something? Besides coloring? No, I don't. I wouldn't recommend it. That would tear you in half. Yeah. Well, that was a great start to the god damn day, wasn't it? That was great. Thanks, Crayola.

Thank you, Paul. Thank you, Crayola Canada. You know what would be even cooler is if they sent me a package. Because I like all the colors. I like all the colors of the rainbow. Whatever comes here from Crayola is coming to me. All the colors of the rainbow. Man, how cool is that? It's very cool.

Very cool. Alright, where were we? We were like nowhere. Oh, we didn't get anywhere, did we? No, we didn't. We just started stirring it off, I guess. Or did we have part of it already? Ricky, how baked are you right now?

Nine. No, eight. I'm about an eight. You're an eight? Yeah. Yeah. Jesus, Murphy. You mean looking or high?

High. What are you in the looks category, Ricky? I'd say a solid 6 and 1 half maybe, depending on my hair looks. Maybe I could bump up to a 7 on another good hair day. That's your- Is that cocky? No. Okay, good.

That's pretty standard. What do you think you are, Julian? Don't know, man. We know what he thinks. We know what he thinks. Oh, fuck off. Jesus. He thinks he's pretty standard. What do you think you are, Julian? Don't know, man. We know what he thinks. Oh, fuck off. He thinks he's a ten. No, I didn't. Would you fuck off? Bought some toupee for that shit, bud.

Yeah. No, man. If they made a male version of the movie Ten starring Bo Derek, who would be in it? Julian Derek. Julian Swayze. Running up the beach with no shirt on. Yeah, real funny. That would not have, guys, come on. Braids in his hair. Three-quarter.

What would you give yourself, bubs? Oh, I'm a solid four. No, you're a very good six, seven. I'm okay. I'm comfortable with being a four. I don I'm a four. Man, what are you talking about? I'm okay. I'm comfortable with being a four. I don't give a fuck. Personality-wise, I'd say you're a fucking ten. Well, thank you.

Easy ten. Solid ten. Thank you. No problem, bud. That's nice. Yeah, you got a pretty good body. I've got a horrible body. I got a terrible body.

Don't give a fuck. I still think you're like a six at least. I'd give you a seven, man. You think I'm a seven? Yeah. Yeah, but you're a ten, so I'm three under you. I don't want to fuck a ten, you stupid ass. Jesus.

All right, let's get into this. Look at this fucking helmet, bubs. What do you think my ass is, Julian? I don't look at your ass, bubs. Nothing wrong with it. You're always grabbing it. I don't grab it. Is it like a firm one?

But, you know, you watch the front of me. I've smacked like a baseball player. There's nothing wrong with that. Okay. Hey, Julian, who's got a nicer ass, me or Ricky? How many beer have you had, bubs? I don't know. That's a fucked up question to ask.

I had 12 at least. Okay, well, here we go. This is my 12th beer. I should get you down to the Legion. We should start a new segment on the show. Would you confidently say that your ass is better than Bubba's and mine? Can we at least get you to acknowledge that? Yeah.

No, man. Like, fuck. Jesus, boys. You getting excited, bubs? Thinking about it or what? Is that the sound your penis is making right now? Yep, she's spring-loaded. Popping out my zipper.

All right, what were you going to say before we got into the weird talk? Before you started talking about my beautiful ass? This is a weird podcast, guys. We should have a new segment on the show called Ask Me the Weirdest Question You Can Think Of. Okay. Who goes first? You do.

No, I'm not ready. I'm high, so it's going to take me about five minutes to come up with one. Julian, you're the first contestant on Ask Me the Weirdest Question You Can Think Of. Ask you a weird question? Yeah. Holy fuck, Buzz. Have you ever rubbed between your toes and took a sniff? Jesus, that isn't the type of game I was taught.

Okay, I have no idea. I was just trying to think of something gross. I didn't say ask me the grossest question. That's a weird one. I got nothing then. I'm on a different planet, I think, at the moment here. Hmm. Where's the weirdest place you ever got a batch of? You're like, I have to, there's no control,

and I can't wait till I get home. Home? Are you asking him? Or you. I think you're asking him. No, you answer that one first. I've never done that in weird places. I've done that in a weird place. All right.

See, this game sucks. It does suck. You ask a weird question. Did you say weird question or what was the game? Yeah, I think so. I don't remember now. All right, what's your question? Boys, are we talking in circles?

I don't know what the fuck's going on here. I think we might be. Is it some kind of mind control? Drugs? MK Ultra. Okay, what do you got on there? A helmet. Spaceball's inspired helmet blocks outside noise to increase focus and productivity.

Look at this thing. It looks like space balls. What the fuck? Dude's got this, like, big football helmet type thing on the go. It does what? Increases focus, man, and productivity. It makes it focus because it blocks out noise. But, I mean, you can put anything.

You don't need a special helmet for that. You can just put in earplugs and horse blinders on. Yeah, but I was going to say you'd look like a fucking dick, but that thing. If you're sitting around in your office with that thing on, you're going to look like. You look like a dick. Hey, dickhead, dummy, weirdo, stupid looking guy. Did you ever hear of noise canceling headphones? Don't know, boys.

What website is that on? Maybe that's on, like, The Onion or something. No, that's for real. Jesus, Murphy. And then there's, like, this Chinese umbrella raincoat. It's the latest rainwear innovation. Put this fucking thing on, and you look like a total dick. But it keeps you dry.

That's not cute. I think you look cute as a button wearing that. See on that. And then the rain just comes and falls down away from your legs. I like it. You'd look like a dick. You'd look like a...

I think I'd look... I think I'd look like a five or a six. You look like a nipple. Is he on the Bisexual Men with Muscles website again? No, I'm not, Ricky. The fuck you talking about? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All right, I'm done. Ricky, you're not supposed to be eating on the podcast. For fuck's sakes. Moon bear or moon lizard, whatever his name is. He's not going to be happy. The moon dog. All right, let's get this going, guys. We should have had a game of fucking Jeopardy.

We should have did something. We weren't prepared for this. We're too fucked for this right now. I was excited about my gift, and now the podcast got weird. It got totally weird. It got weird when you started saying you wanted to squeeze my ass. That's when it got weird. I don't think that was ever said.

You said it. World War I officially began today, boys. That's not good, is it? Back in 1914. It's not really something you want to celebrate. No, I'm just saying. See, there's nothing. We're trying to give people some entertainment.

Judy Garland recorded Over the Rainbow on this day in 1939. Over the rainbow, what's on the other side? That's not the song, Ricky. What the? What is it? How does it go? Somewhere over the rainbow. Oh, that was in The Wizard of Oz, wasn't it?

Somewhere over the rainbow, something, something doggie do Whoa. Something like that. Judy Garland. She was all cranked up on pills, apparently. Nice. I found out. Good for her.

She was like, what, 13 or something? Yeah, and she was all cranked up. Cranked. Fuckin' Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett got married today. That's big news. Lee Majors was married to Farrah Fawcett got married today. That's big news. Lee Majors was married to Farrah Fawcett? I thought you knew that, man. I don't think I knew that.

Did a lot. The bionic man. Yes. Was married to the bionic woman? For a long, long time. Farrah Fawcett. Farrah Fawcett was not the bionic woman. Oh.

No. She looked like her. That was Lindsay Wagner. That was Lindsay Wagner. But he was married to Farrah. Character name of Jamie Summers. Jamie Summers, the bionic woman. Can you imagine?

Did the bionic man ever do it with the bionic woman? Fuck yeah. Lots of times. That must have been some crazy... How many beds did they destroy, do you think? Can you imagine if bionic man got in there just teeing off. He'd probably get it going about 140 miles an hour. Yeah, she had, like, bionic legs as well,

so she'd be, like, smacking that back right into him, right? Like... Like a dog. Back right into him. You mean, if they were doing it what way? Doggy. Oh, so she could do, like, yeah. It'd be like fucking cars, like, head-ongy. Oh, so she could do like, yeah.

It'd be like fucking cars, like head-on collisions. Like that'd be some serious... Like five bangs a second. Oh, yeah. That would be the jackhammer. He could do the jackhammer. It'd be like a sewing machine. The bionic man. What other moves would they be good at?

Fuck any movesic man. What other moves would they be good at? Fuck any moves, man. I mean, if they were camping and they didn't have any way to start a fire, she could probably do the reverse cowgirl on them and start a fire. Just stick a piece of wood in there. A little friction? A little friction. Start a campfire. Started like with her... Didn't they have bionic lips, too, or something? Mm-hmm.

Well, Jamie did. I don't know, Ricky. Why would they need those? I thought... I don't know. I'm not sure why I thought... I think maybe I got that dreamt. Bionic lips. Maybe because they got to eat more for their powers.

I don't know. Yeah. Wow. The bionic lips. It'd be good for kissing. Would it, though? Oh, yeah. Imagine the making out you could do.

You'd fucking... What would it give... What advantage would it give you? I think, I don't know, just the speed, the muscularity of it. Do you want super speed when you're smooching? Super suction. Yeah, but the chick would be, her fucking lips would be swollen and fucked over by the time you're done. Yeah, you... She'd be like, what the fuck?

What the fuck? I'm sorry, I got bionic lips. I didn't mean to almost suck your lips off your face. Or your other thing. I didn't mean to almost suck your lips off your face. Or your other thing. Well, then you'd need a bionic tongue, wouldn't you? We've got to stop talking about weird sex stuff. It's a weird thing today.

It's a weird fucking day. It is a weird day. Let's just cancel today. Alice in Wonderland was released. What the fuck is that? I'm being attacked by fucking seagulls. Fuck off! It might not be seagulls.

It might be... It might be something else. Stormtroopers? The Summer Jam Rock Festival took place in Watkins Glen, 1973. Grateful Dead, Allman Brothers and the band all played. The event received the Guinness Book of World Records for largest audience at a pop festival. I thought they were going to say like something happened. Jackie O was born today. Do you know who that is, Ricky? I certainly do, sir. Who is it? She was the First Lady at one time.

Who was she married to? A president that had a very unfortunate incident. Who? John. John who? John, her husband. I guess. You actually know more already?

Yeah, I'm pretty impressed. John Onese's, I'm guessing. No. No. So they had different last names? She retained her original. All right. So we're good.

You guys got anything else to talk about? Because this podcast sucks! Other than my wonderful gift, this thing sucks. Now my button doesn't work. Oh, I'm sorry about that. Well, let's come up with some new segments. Okay, give me one. You give me one. See, it's tough. Most embarrassing moment. Uh... Uh...

See, it's tough. You just can't... Most embarrassing moment. Most embarrassing moment? Yep. Sally Struthers was born today. You didn't mention that. I don't know who she is. That's a pretty big one. Gloria.

Gloria who? Gloria from All in the Family with Archie Bunker. Never saw it. You never watched Archie Bunker? Never. Maybe. I don't know. Those years are...

I don't remember anything but any of those years. Terry Fox was born today, Ricky. How did you miss that? How did you miss that one? I just didn't get to him. I didn't miss it. Terry Fox was born in 1958. One of the greatest Canadian heroes ever developed.

Yup. Yup. You better fuck off, I'm serious. I'll come up there with a fucking shotgun. Yeah. Go, you fucking back one more time. Oh my fucking God. What the fuck could they be packing out up there?

Here, Ricky. You want it to smash something with your hammer? I hate pigeons. Where is he? Just don't smash the fucking lights. Yeah, you can fucking see through walls, can't you? You know I'm not fucking around. Cock suckers. They're not in that fucking vent, are they?

Bastards. They're on the goddamn roof. Being old fuckers. I don't know if they could be that interrupted Terry Fox talk. Sorry, Terry. Terry Fox. He was born in 58. He did the Marathon of Hope in 1980. So how old was he?

22. He's pretty young to be so generous. 22. He ran right across the country. Well, he attempted to. He was running a fucking full marathon a day. Can you imagine running a fucking marathon every day when you only got one leg? Yeah, that's pretty crazy. Check this out, man.

I was reading through some of this shit. I guess I should have just picked this up. You should have just picked something up, because this is the shittiest podcast ever. Teleportation. Happening. No, it isn't. What? Teleportation. Photo particles today, humans tomorrow. That's right, baby.

No. Don't believe it, man. What? Ricky, where did you download this? Oh, this is from the BBC. The BBC's usually not fucking around news. No. They know what they're...

Chinese scientists say they have teleported a photon particle from the ground to a satellite orbiting 1,400 kilometers away. What the fuck? No way. Try to wrap your fucking bare penis around that. Jesus. I can't. How did they teleport a photon? I'm guessing in a teleportation machine, but I don't know.

Simply put, teleportation is transmitting the state of a thing rather than sending the thing itself. What the fuck does that mean? Receiving fax machine gets the memory. Well, some physicists give the example of a fax machine. That's not really teleportation.

They're just faxing pictures up to a spaceship? I don't think that's... When Captain Kirk teleported down to a fucking planet, he didn't send the facts of himself down. That's true. Oh, yeah, I remember

this stupid fucking dumbass. He got stuck in an ATM. Just sent a note out. What? What happened to him? Went in to fix an ATM or something. He got stuck inside of it. So he had to send a little note out through the cash dispenser and say, Help me. I'm fucked.

He got stuck inside an ATM? Yeah. Actually, I think they had to cut a wall out or some shit. There was something fucked about it. I forget now. Imagine going to an ATM to get some cash and instead of a receipt, you get an eerie plea for help scrawled on a slip of paper. That's fucked. That's a bad fuck up. Please help, I'm stuck in here. Phone, please call my phone. Why wouldn't he just call out?

Please call my phone. Please call my phone and he wrote his phone number on it. I got an idea. Call somebody and say, hey, 911, yeah, I'm stuck in an ATM. How did he get in there? I guess he must have been a service tech. I don't know. Maybe he was trying to break in. Maybe he got sucked in through the slot. Maybe he's in the same size as his money. Oh, my fuck. Maybe, Ricky. Maybe he's only six inches tall and he's way for thin. Or it could have one of those suck machines that you fuck with it enough, it's like, all right, bud, you're getting arrested.

It sucks you right inside. Suck machines? Yeah. This is a neat one. Bye-bye, batteries. First battery-free cell phone harvests power from ambient radio signals and light. What? Fucking things are getting out of control. Yeah, things are getting way out of control.

But because there's fake news, you don't know what to believe and what not to believe. Fake news. Ricky, don't start with the fake news shit. Just because some idiot says there's fake news doesn't mean there the fake news shit. Just because some idiot says there's fake news doesn't mean there is fake news. Yeah, the cell phone, it takes power from rogue radio signals. That's weird. That's fucking weird.

That is weird. Some of these I don't understand, so I can't really talk about them. There's got to be something that's half decent to talk about. There's nothing. I can't pronounce this fucking word. This is all lame. I'm not doing it. Yeah, this was the shittiest podcast so far of 2000 and whatever year this is.

Yeah. I mean, I've got a, there's a 16-year-old boy who marries a 70-year-old woman in Indonesia. How old? He was 16, she's 71. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Jesus, he likes the older ladies. Has he ever? We shouldn't talk about this one either, because it's kind of racist.

What is it? It's just some racist bullshit. What? UK rhino eggs could save last northern whites. Yeah, like why do they have to call the people that live up there the northern whites? It could be just the northern people. Ricky, what are you talking about? What the fuck is he talking about?

It says they could use these eggs to save the northern whites. What about all the other people? No, Ricky, a UK zoo is taking part in a radical plan to save the world's last What about all the other people? No, Ricky, a UK zoo has taken part in a radical plan to save the world's last three northern white rhinos. Oh, okay. I thought they were people. So I thought I was racist.

No, Ricky. No, that was just, you're dumb. No, they're saving white rhinos. Maybe the white rhinos are racist. Needs to save the best for last. This is something. What is it? The old penisberg.

And snaps photo of iceberg off Newfoundland with distinctly masculine features. Holy fuck, look at that. It's like a massive cockberg. Jinx, buy me a coke. Inky dinky, rinky pinky, flush it down the kitchen sink. Yally-oop, yally-oop, dah-hee. The king of France, wet his pants, right in the middle of the ballroom dance. Yod-a-lay-hee-hoo, yod-a-lay-hee-hoo.

Nee-nee-nee-nee-nee, nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee. Ha! Bubs, I think you're having a stroke. Don't ever do that again. No, that's what you do when you say the same thing. Does it mean I lose? Well, it means I got it. Look at that.

That does look like a big... Cock. Looks like a big wing. Nice cock. Yeah. Wow. Like a cock-shaped iceberg. Doo-doo.

Floating around, getting sucked and fucked at sea. Like a cock-shaped iceberg. Doo, doo. Getting sucked and fucked while it's floating around out at sea. Like a cock-shaped iceberg. Bam, bam. Making its way to come and see me.

Wow. This is a weird one. This was a weird day. I think we smoked something that made us weird. Yeah. I want to forget about this podcast. Weird-o. Never again.

Made us a little funny. Made us a little funny. Made us a little funny, honey. Well, we're going to have to drink our way through it. Big time. Because it's not going to wear off for another couple hours. Well, I think I might go lay down then. Great. Where are you going to do that?

In my shed. Why? What did you think? I was just making jokes. Wasn't funny. Well, tune in next week, everybody. For another shitty edition? No, Ricky.

The next one's going to be fantastic. Promise me it's better than this one. Promise me. It's going to be. I'm going to have to have demands. OK, tune in next week to find out what Ricky's demands are. And where they met or where they not met. And to find out what Julian really thinks of my ass. Субтитры подогнал «Симон»