Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 105 - Flute Tanners

Episode Date: August 7, 2017

Ricky and Bubbles have a bone to pick with Julian after learning he is selling more than “a couple of t-shirts” on trailerparkboysmerch.com and not giving them a fair cut! The Boys also discuss Kermit the Frog’s private parts, and dream of lightning-cooked steak. Episode 105 is brought to you by the Boys' own comedy network SwearNet.com - watch the latest Trailer Park Boys Podcast video every Friday!

Today's episode of the Trailer Park Boys podcast is brought to you by SwearNet.com, the only place that you can see the video version of this podcast. And by, by Leckerman's Old Dirty Canadian Whiskey. Drive that into your guts. And also by Freedom 35. Drink the dream dream Fuck, okay That was great We're brought to you by a fucking website A beer and a liquor That's awesome

Yeah Fuck off I like that, man That fucking totally got me off guard here I like that That was good Nice work But you forgot about the fucking

TurlipRatBoysMerch.com site You gotta go there and buy some shit, right? Yeah, but if you go to Swearin'It.com, which I mentioned, then that's where you go. You just hit the... Yeah, but you should've

just mentioned that. It would've been perfect. It would've been a 10. This podcast is also brought to you by these and these down here. How about that?

Jets in your balls? In my car. It's fucking fruit flies, man. You gotta clean this place up. You can't leave food and shit lying around. The fruit flies will get to it and boom. It's got fucking thousands of them. Sorry Martha's door. Sorry Martha's door. You need to put the little

fruit fly traps down there. What the fuck is a fruit fly trap? It's a fruit fly trap, man. You throw like wine or some you know, some fruit in it and put like saran wrap over it, like a glass. Did you say flute fry or fruit fly? Fruit fly. Fruit fly.

Flute fries. Not a flute fly. Have you ever been to a flute fry, Ricky? That's where they, what, they just take a bunch of flutes and deep fry them? They deep fry them and then you chew on them. Bad for your teeth. Flute fry. Do you know how to play the flute? So you'd have to have a flute fry, or flute trap.

I can play the flute. What kind? What do you mean? Well, there's all kinds. There's a skin flute. There's trap. I can play the flute. What kind? What do you mean? Well, there's all kinds. There's the skin flute. There's, you know, the flute. I bet you play that pretty good. Yeah.

Skin flute, huh? Yeah. I know what you mean by that. You ever tan your flute? What? Tan your flute? Yeah. I did once when I was younger. It was a shit show.

I used to listen to a... Sunburned the fuck out of it. Your wiener. Yeah. Bad idea. Why would you do that? I just thought it'd be kind of cool to have no tan lines. And it went bad.

Fell asleep. Tanned your flute. And because it's never seen the sun before that, it fried up like a fucking piece of bacon. Great. Ricky. Great. Ricky. Fuck. Nobody wants to hear about your blistered, burnt penis.

Did you get blisters? Oh, yeah. I couldn't play with it for two weeks. You couldn't play with it for two weeks? No. You probably tried, though, didn't you? Yep. Yeah.

Made it worse. Yeah, it's blisters. I used to listen to a bluegrass band named Dickie Tits and the Flute Tanners. But I didn't know what that meant. The Flute Tanners? Dickie Tits and the Flute Tanners? Are you kidding me? Flute Tanners or Flute Tanners? Flute Tanners.

Maybe it was the three brothers last named Tanners. Who calls fucking sunbathing nude fucking tanning your flute? That's fucked, boys. That's fucked. It. You guys are fucked. It could happen. Who in the fuck smells like onions? I don't smell like onions.

That's what I want to know. Somebody smells like fucking onions. I smell good, man. I smell wonderful. I smell pretty fresh. He smells like onions. Were you eating an onion, Ricky? I may have had some onion rings

on my breakfast sandwich. Okay, then. That could be the culprit. Somebody smells like dirty old onions, Ricky. Could be liquor. Could be onions. Could be this fucking weird fucked up popcorn I'm eating. This is fucked.

What is it? I told you not to be eating on the podcast anyway. Popcorn's soft, not crunchy. It's fucking Gouda and chive or some shit. It's fucked. Do you know what Gouda is? No. I think it's a word for good, isn't it?

It's Gouda. How was the game last night? It was Gouda. So it's... It's cheese. It was good. So it's cheese. It's cheese. Maybe that's what I'm smelling. Jesus, it is! I told you, it's not fucking great times. Alright, let's get this podcash going, alright?

What's up, fuckers? Well, okay, go ahead. What's up, fuckers? This is the Trail of Bright Boys podcash. It's coming at you right now. This is episode 105. Happy to be here. 102.3.9. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a radio station. That is a radio station, I believe. 105. Okay, so what do you got for it? Nothing. Anything special?

Nothing special. What a fucking disappointment you always are. Fuck you, man. Okay, you want to talk about some shit? I got all kinds of shit to talk about. Well, Bubbles has a question for you that I'd like to know some answers to as well. What the fuck is all this shit that apparently is getting sold that we don't know anything about? What shit?

Yeah. I went on to the merch site, trailerparkboysmerch.com. All right. You told me originally, and we could probably go back to the tapes, Yeah, yeah. that you were selling, like, a couple of T-shirts.

You said a couple, yeah? A few things. Well, there's a fuck of a lot more than a couple. And I said if my face was going to be on anything, I wanted a cut. And you said, well, we'll work that out, but it's just a few T-shirts. Every time I talked about merch to you guys, you fucking started dissing me. Here's what they're selling.

You started, listen to me. T-shirts, mugs, flask gift sets, flasks, hoodies, stickers, button badges, clocks, air fresheners, games, beanies, jerseys, rolling papers, skateboard decks, wallets, key rings, lighter leashes, beer koozies, aprons, baseball caps, baseball shirts, bobble hats, bobble heads, bottle openers, grinders, scarves, shirts, pin badges, playing cards, tea towels, and fucking tote bags. You tell me where the fuck, unless they're selling zero, which is quite possible, where the fuck is all the money going?

It's going to pay for this, to get, you know, pay for him. I got a check for $2.37. Okay, well you're making some money. It's going to start rolling in. See, that's how it works. You pay off a bunch of startup fucking costs and then you get into the profit. I want you to release your tax returns. Yep. You want to see my tax

returns? I want you to release your tax returns. We can't get into this shit right now. We're going to do an audition on your books. We'll talk about that shit later. But I've gotta wait, I kinda worked around it a bit. I wanna see the numbers, show me the money. But the numbers aren't really that real, okay? You've just gotta take my word then when I tell you how much you're gonna make.

Oh, so I gotta trust Julian. Well, maybe if these cocksuckers are sponsoring this thing, they can provide us with better snacks or, you know, some nicer things. All right, I'll talk to them. Maybe get me some new clothes. We'll get you some clothes. We'll get some mugs. Some flasks.

Whatever. Some bobbleheads. We'll get all that shit. Yeah. I want one of every fucking thing on this. Well, boys, like I said, every time I mention the Mercy guys, you're like, oh, look at you, you fucking greasy bastard. Well, I want one of every fucking thing on this. But if you're just gonna do it anyway, then I said, every time I mention the mercy, guys, you're like, oh, look at you, you fucking greasy bastard. Well, I want one of every fucking thing on this.

But if you're just going to do it anyway, then I want my cash. Except anything with your fucking face on it. Oh, okay, so you don't want to partake and run in this shit, but you want to cut. Like, that seems fair. Cut. Do you want to help me run it? What the fuck is our percentage? Yeah, I do, actually.

0.0001? All right, well, get on board and help me out. Yeah, okay, then I will. That's fucking lazy. I guess I just got a job, then. You got a job. Right, you're in charge of the website. 25 bucks an hour is my fee.

Nope. All right, unless we fucking start talking about something cool, I'm leaving. That's not cool. All right. Fuck you, didn't even work. Piece of shit. All right. All right, it is August the 4th. It of shit. All right. So, uh...

All right, it is August the 4th. It is August the 4th. Is that good? Is it August the 4th? It's almost Natal Day, boys. That's why this is a long weekend coming up. Gonna fucking give her. What's Natal Day?

I don't know what the fuck it means. It's just your natal. Celebrates birth or something, I guess. What's it mean, Julian? Natal day? Yeah. Just means it's a long weekend. That's all I fucking know. Ricky, it's more than that.

But you know what? Is natal about ships or is it about birth? So we can figure it out. Here, you know what? You want to see something fucking cool? Look at this. I got this new... Oh, fuck. Watch this. Watch this, Ricky. This is going to fucking blow your mind.

Touch this right here. Yeah, what is it? What does Natal Day mean? Natal Day in Canada. People of the Canadian province of Nova Scotia hold birthday parties for their province on the first Monday of August. Huge birthday cakes are prepared and distributed. Where?

I've never got one of these fucking bull shit. You are a lying fucking asshole. Ricky, I think you might have missed the point that I just spoke into my device and it spoke back to me. So it's alive. Yeah. Great. Here, Ricky, you try it. The real Terminator movie is going to come up.

Ask it something. Are you ready? How long before you take over the world? Jesus, the things start getting hot. What's she saying about that? She's shutting about that. She's shutting down, now she's talking to all her buddies, going, uh-oh, they're fucking on to us.

Just fucking do it. Initiate plan A. Robots will wipe out humans and take over in just a few centuries, according to science news. Jesus. A few centuries, so we're good. How long is that? That's a long time. It's not long enough. Okay.

Well, what did we figure out? We figured out why it's a long weekend. We're in a place with big fucking cakes distributed. I've never fucking got one. Where's the cake? Did you guys read about this fucking guy? His name was Jared Price. Got arrested somewhere.

I think he was on drugs, probably. Is that the guy with the axe in his roof? Yeah, a long lost brother of mine. Gets fucking pulled over with a car. No doors, no windshield, no license plate. And a fucking axe stuck right in the fucking roof. Maybe they could show a picture of this fucking thing. It was awesome.

Yeah, I heard that. I want to see a picture of it. Fucking respect you, bud. Love your style. Ricky, why would you... Why would you... Why would you give props to that guy? Because he's like, fuck off.

I'm just driving around banged up. I'm not doing anything wrong. No, but he got... That was like the fourth or fifth time he's been arrested with an axe, different axe rammed in his car. I would have never thought of the axe. The axe looked fucking tough. And he got in trouble for having an axe in his car.

I'm ramming something into my fucking roof. I thought you were going to say ass. You thought what, sir? I thought you were going to say ass. I'm going to ram something in my ass and drive around. Yeah. It'd be pretty uncomfortable. Unless you drove on your knees, I guess,

and you'd have to use your hand to use the gas on the brake and one hand to steer. I've done it. It sucks. That would be a picture. You've done that? Yeah. You've driven around using your hand for the brake and gas and one to steer with something driven up your arse? No, nothing driven up my arse.

It was when I got shot and I couldn't sit on my arse. Hey, boys, I heard a good joke. Do you want to hear it? Sure. Let her rip, bud. You want to hear a good joke, Ricky? Is it about a cow? No. Listen to this one.

Guy walks into the doctor. Yeah. He says, hey, doctor. What you would do? I got a sore wiener. I got a really sore wiener. Doctor leans in to have a look. He's looking at it.

He says, well, first thing, you gotta stop masturbating. And the guy says, Why? He goes, So I can get a better look at it. Obviously he was doing it right in front of him. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. Get it, Ricky? I get it now.

Yeah, that's... Took me a minute. That joke sucked. That was hilarious. It wasn't hilarious. Hilarious. If you were a cow, you wouldn't want to live in P. That was hilarious. It wasn't hilarious. Hilarious. If you were a cow, you wouldn't want to live in PEI. Why's that?

Because ten of the little fuckers got killed by lightning on the other day. What? The other day? I guess it was such a powerful strike, threw a few of the little fuckers right over the fence. No way, man. Jesus. That's hardcore, man. But you know what? I don't think

that's what happened. There's been a lot of lightning strikes. Never fucking ten cows killed at once. Never cows killed. One bolt killed ten cows. They must have been standing in water, Ricky. I don't know. If they were standing in a bed of water and dank, down she went, that would fry a few cows. I think it was not lightning.

It was probably aliens. Yeah, man, I can't see a bunch of cows just, like, stand around the water, man. They don't do that. No, but there'd only have to be that much water on the ground. I don't mean they're up to their... Like a puddle. Like a puddle. I don't mean they're up to their tents. Standing in a lake. Yeah, I can't...

How about throw them over a fence, though? Electricity, bud. You're talking about thousands of volts. So it just, just like launches you? Look, Ricky, here's how lightning works. It doesn't actually come down and hit the ground. It comes down about this far. And then a positive streamer comes up and connects to it.

And when it makes its fucking, you know, when it completes the circuit, it's going to blast you right off the fucking ground. Blast up. You're toast. No problem. Wow. That scares me, guys. Why? That's gonna blast you right off the fucking ground. You're toast. No problem. Wow. That scares me, guys. Why? I don't want to get blasted.

Bucking over a fence. Killed. Well, you won't, Rick. But I like going out in lightning. High. Checking it out. Well, see, that's the first problem right there. If you don't go outside, you're not gonna get hit by lightning. If you go out there baked and you're you know in a field fucking looking up like this there's it yeah that's increases your chances a lot so how cooked with those

cows be like you think I hit by lightning right would they be like well this will be edible would they be well done you knock out wouldn't cook the whole cow it might cook cook the whole cow. It might cook a line through them, though. Bet you you'd get a couple steaks out of it. That would be weird if it was cooked to perfection. Entire cow. By lightning.

Cooked in a second. That'd be awesome. You're on to something here now. Cooked to perfection. He wouldn't be cooked to perfection. Start a new company. Cooked to perfection in a second. What?

Yeah. Lightning. The new lightning oven. We cook with lightning. You got to put your order in months in advance and there's no guarantee you're going to get it. Find out where

lightning strikes the most, put them on this big grill full of fucking meat. Yeah. All right, we're getting off topic. Tesla could probably rig something up. Elon Musk All right, we're getting off topic. Tesla could

probably rig something up. Elon Musk. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Okay. To what, to start building

lightning fucking elements? To build a fucking lightning machine? No problem. He already has. How come you

can't catch lightning and use it for shit? It's that strong. Well, you can, Ricky. How does that happen?

You don't catch lightning, I mean, but they can generate massive amounts of electricity. Like that. Tesla. There must be like a battery you could just put out in a field and hope it gets hit. Charge everything up, light up New York for a couple years. Hmm. One battery. That's, I mean, that's ridiculous, but there are batteries.

There's fucking batteries there. Do you know about the battery Elon Musk just made? No, man. Okay. Why is there a fucking picture of Randy here with these naked women? Just wait, I'm going to talk into my speaker box. Christ. Why is there a Patrick Swayze fucking driver's license? Laminated.

Must have fell out of your pocket. Boys, come on. Let me see that fucking thing. Looks nothing like me. How big is the battery Elon Musk just put in Australia? What do you mean put in? Listen to this, boys. This will blow your fucking mind.

Excuse me, boy. Tesla. Yes? 129 megawatt fucking battery. What does that mean? Well, just to put that into perspective for you, Ricky, that's one battery, 129 megawatts. Yeah, but how big is the battery?

I don't know how big it is. What's a megawatt? Give me some fucking, what does that run? What could that run? There's a fucking power plant in Nova Scotia. Yeah. Down, you know, about two hours from here. Yeah. It's about 100 megawatts. Yeah. Down, you know, about two hours from here. Yeah.

It's about 100 megawatts. Okay. It's a whole fucking generating station. It's a coal-burning fucking power plant. It's 100 megawatts. This battery's 129 megawatts. How do you charge it? Wind. Oh, yeah? That's pretty smart.

Just wait. I'm just, uh... See if it says how big the fucking thing is. It'd be cool if it was, like, the size of a pencil. No, Ricky, it's gonna be massive. It's gonna be... Like a car? No, bigger than that, Ricky.

Like in a big warehouse? Please. It's big. Like a lake? Or a pond? A mountain? It's a lake or a lake? Or a pond? A mountain? A lake or a pond. Or a hill?

I don't know, Ricky. An elephant or a whale? I would say, I'm just guessing, 129 megawatt fucking battery, I'd say she's... Blue whale. It's got to be, it's got to take up a whole fucking, like a whole building. Yeah, what size building though? Well, that's a good question. You're starting to talk like Ricky. No, but I thought that would satisfy Ricky's inquiries. Oh no, I want to know as well. I don't know, I'll have to do more research, but it's a fucking battery anyway, 129 megawatts. Okay. August 4th in history.

Oh, fuck. 1862, the U.S. government collects its first income tax. That was a shitty day. It was a shitty day. Why? Was it shitty? I guess it wasn't for us. When did ours start?

I wonder. Oh, Jim Morrison was arrested for drunkenness, 1970. Where at? Doesn't say. Doesn't say, man. Sucks. Fucking hound dog was released this day back in 56. Released from jail? Released? No, fucking Elvis Presley, man.

You ain't nothing but a hound dog. Crocking all the time. Crocking all the time? Is that the real word? I think. Crocking all the time. Crocking all the time? Is that the real word? I think. Crocking all the time. You know, like, crock, crock. Wouldn't it be?

Isn't that the lyrics? What is it? Ain't nothing but a hound dog crocking all the time? Could be, I guess. I didn't know a dog's crock. What are the lyrics to Elvis Presley's Hound Dog? Crock, crock. Wreckish. Oh, croc. British.

Oh, crying all the time. Yeah, honk what you say. Crocking. Crocking. I thought it was crocking. You ain't nothing but a hound dog. Crocking all the time. That sounds kind of fuck now that I say it out loud.

Unless he was going after the crocodile. Well, you ain't ever caught a rabbit, and you ain't no friend of mine. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. They said you was high class. Well, that was just a lie. John Lennon and Yoko Ono began recording Double Fantasy. What the fuck was that? Is that a porno?

No, Ricky. It was John Lennon's last record. Oh. Made it 19... They started recording in 1980, right? Yep. Correct. Yep, and then he was blasted to death. Prince's Purple Rain album goes number one,

stays number one for 24 weeks. That's pretty good, isn't it? It's real good, man. Purple rain, purple rain. Well... Don't kiss good, man. Purple rain, purple rain. Well... Don't kiss me, man. I don't think there's much more of this. It'll be just like starting over.

In 2015, Muppets Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog announced end to their relationship on Twitter. We were just talking about that, weren't we? The Miss Piggy and Kermit thing? The banging and all that shit going on? Were we? Were we? I think so.

About? One of the podcasters. About Kermit? Yeah. Pounding it? Teeing off on... Teeing off? Like Miss Piggy was...

Wow. Pigster. Jesus. All right, Favre's birthdays. Louis Vuitton? Louis Vuitton? Louis Vuitton? I don't know. 1821.

Fuck, he's old. Louis Vuitton. He's dead. Let me see this. Is that right? Louis Vuitton. Louis Vuitton was born in 1821. I didn't know that.

Fuck no. Huh. Could be one of the oldest people on earth. Well he's not still alive, Ricky. Somebody has just called that, does design and shit. No, that's... I bought some for Lucy. Fucking cost me a fortune. You bought Lucy a Louis Vuitton.

Well, I was gonna buy it, then I saw how expensive it was, so I took it just to say, fuck off with your stupid prices. You stole a Louis Vuitton what, a bag? Yeah. And what was the price tag? It wasn't cheap. 780 bucks or something. I thought it was 78 bucks. Then it was a fake.

That's a fake he meant. You can't even get one for 780 bucks. You can't even get a wallet for 780 bucks. Maybe it was 7,000. I forget now. It was probably 7,000 if it was a good-sized bag. It was a good size. Then she lit it on fire.

She lit it on... Just as she had it. I remember that. She set it on a candle. So you should have sold that one and then bought a fake one. Right? Then you would have made a lot of money off it. Well, that was the plan until she fucking burnt it.

That's fucked. She didn't just throw up in it, too, didn't she? There was a little bit of that it. Well, that was the plan until she fucking burnt it. That's fucked. She didn't throw up in it too, didn't she? There was a little bit of that that went down, yes. All right. I don't know who any of these other fucking people are. Oh, Louis Armstrong. Hello, Dolly. Didn't he go to the moon?

What do you get when you hold two fuzzy green balls in your hand? What? A sore ball, a bag. Kermit the Frog's undivided attention. Do frogs have balls? Oh, Ricky, Kermit would. He had to have. He had that little fella. I'd like to see a picture of Kermit.

Does he have, like, if he's squatting, does he have a cock and balls? He should. Kermit, I'd like to see a picture of Kermit. Does he have like a... If he's squatting, does he have a cock and balls? He should. Kermit? He probably retracts. Does he wear shorts or anything? Probably a retractable. Like a turtle. Something like that, yeah.

It's up the side. But would the balls come out too? It all pops out, man. It just flops out when it gets turned on. It probably just flops right out. Ricky, I don't know how Kets, rugs, sax organs work. Holy fuck. This is weird.

You have to ask Jim Henson. What? Morris the Rock of Ricard and Ken Dryden, both born today. In different years. Different years. Yes, but it's cool that they're born in the same day. And they both played for the Montreal Canadiens. Yep. day. And they both played for the Montreal Canadiens. Yep.

Yep. And they both won Stanley Cups. They sure did, bud. They might have. They did. Kenny Dryden won a Stanley Cup. Fucking six of them, man. Hey, we know this guy.

Billy Bob. Billy Bob Thornton. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Billy Bob's birthday today. Yep. I'll toast to that. Billy Bob's birthday today. Yep. I'll toast that. Cheers to you.

Cheers. I don't have a drink. You're fucked then. Yeah. What did that eat in there? It's also Barack Obama's birthday today. Barack Obama. Happy birthday.

Another great fucking act. Happy birthday. Yeah. Miss him. Do you? I do. We birthday. Miss him. Do you? I do. We never met him though. No, but he was, I think he was a good man.

Very eloquent. Very good looking. Very eloquent, very well spoken. And good looking. Yeah. Alright. Okay. Hey, you can, you want any of these things that was i didn't understand any of

them but you can have a look see if you do all right okay check out this in oregon mother donates 2.5 tons of breast milk to families who need it that's crazy what the are you talking she produces 1.7 gallons of breast milk a day. A day. Almost ten times as much as a lactating woman. She's got a problem with her jugs. She must have massive cannons on her. They are massive. She makes how much?

1.7 gallons a day. A day? A day. That's insane. Where does it come from? She must have to drink a lot of water or something. What the fuck does she eat and drink? She's got a rare condition, man. It's like

a hyper-tactation or something syndrome. Hyper-lactation? Hyper-lactation. Wow. Tick-tock whatever. You know what I'm saying? Nope. That's a lot of fluid. That's a lot of fluid, man. Her fridge is like full.

That's gross. I feel sorry for the poor lady. Cranking out two gallons of that stuff. Yeah, this is fucked. Like, this shit, I can't understand. Jupiter is so big it does not actually orbit the sun. Okay. I guess it's not a planet.

What the fuck is that all about? I never heard that. I don't know man. You know what it is? You're learning a bunch of... A bunch of fucking people think they're smarter than anybody. They know no one's gonna call them on their bullshit. Fucking writing shit down on paper. It's fucked. I'm gonna have to read more about this. I don't understand. Good. Neither. You know what's really cool? That it's not true. You're learning lots of shit today bubs. Have you... did you notice that? Louis Vuitton. You know what's really cool? Because it's not true. You're learning lots of shit today, bubs. Did you notice that? Louis Vuitton, you had no idea he was born back then. I like that.

I like a podcast where you can learn shit. What in the fuck are they talking about here? Jupiter is so big it does not actually orbit the sun. I don't know. Some kind of science, bud. I'm going to have to read further into that one on my own time. My own free time, because I take an interest in that type of thing. Okay. One in eight young people in the UK have never seen a real cow. What the fuck?

That's a weird one. One in eight? Like the animal? I believe. One in eight young people in the UK have never seen a real cow. Well, I guess that would be... Like you got big cities, right? Like London. You're not gonna see a cow. Not a lot of cows roaming down the streets of London. No.

I've been there. And you know, you got Manchester and lots of big cities over there. You're not gonna see cows. And even if you're out in the there. You're not going to see cows. And even if you're out in the country, you're not necessarily going to see a cow. Who gives a fuck? Why is that important? That's another thing. Does that give you a better upbringing?

Do you see a fucking cow? Nope. Hey, what do you call a cow with no legs? Legless cow. Ground beef. Wow, you're full into that. I like that one. That was all right, yeah. Ground beef. Do, you're fullin' today. I like that one. That was alright, yeah.

Ground beef. Do your best moo. He's on the ground. Huh? Do your best moo. Little guy. What? It's just a little guy.

He had a higher voice. Let's hear yours, Ricky. I can't do it. Do it, man. I've never been able to do it. You started it. Give us your best move, then. That's not bad.

That's not great. It was kind of like a bunny rabbit mixed with a horse. Oh, Ricky, you're going to love this one. All right, let's give it to me. Inmates use peanut butter to escape Alabama jail. What the? What? They lubed up the bars and slithered out?

Oh, Ricky. One inmate remains at large after jailbreak Sunday night in northern Alabama. Twelve prisoners went on the run from the Walker County... Sheriff said the inmates used peanut butter Alabama. Twelve prisoners went on the run from the Walker County Sheriff. Said the inmates used peanut butter to escape the facility.

I bet the fucking guard was allergic to peanuts and they killed them. No, this is how they did it. Listen. The prisoners took advantage of a new guard who was working in the control room.

And allergic to peanuts. Using peanut butter to obscure the number above the jail cell and then yelling at the unidentified guard to open the number above the jail cell, and then yelling at the unidentified guard to open the door to let them in the cell. What the fuck? So they changed the number over the door the same way you used to change, remember? Oh yeah, we used to swap out numbers.

We used to swap out numbers on trailers to fuck the cops. They just covered it up. Yeah, but how dumb is that jail? What color should we paint the numbers? How about the same color as peanut butter? Is that how they'd say it? They changed the number over the door with peanut butter. Then they hollered, hey, open door, so-and-so. But the number the inmates gave the worker was the outside door.

And unknowingly to him, he hit that lock and out the door they went. What the fuck? That's fucking, That's pretty smart. Now, if you wrote that into a movie, people would say that would never happen. That's silly. You'd never have, you know, something the same color as peanut butter.

Caught on tape, a glass-smashing goat vandalizes a business and goes on the lam. On the lam. What, get it? On the lam. On the lam. I wonder if that was Willie. It wouldn't have been Willie.

Willie Giltman. Put him in. He likes to smash shit up. No shit. What is this now? That one's, I don't know. That guy looks awful. He looks awful poorly.

Awful poorly? Yeah. What the fuck is that? All right, you got nothing, basically. Just say it. Jesus Christ! Science and Environment. There's a signal. They received a signal that may be from the first exomoon. What the fuck is an exomoon? Well, it's a fucking moon. There could be a signal coming.

That means aliens, Ricky. From a moon? Why would you live on a fucking moon. There could be a signal coming. That means aliens, Ricky. From a moon? Why would you live on a fucking moon? You had everything else to pick from. Well, who said they had to pick from anything? Maybe they don't have... Okay. Chinese woman undergoes plastic surgery to evade $3.7 million debt.

Fucking smart. Smart. Do you think? Well, if you change your name and change your looks, what the fuck can they do? They can do a lot, Ricky. They can identify you by your blood or your DNA or your teeth or your fingerprints. You have to get it all redone. Go for it. If you redone. Go for it.

If you're going to go for it. Hi there. I'd like to get a facelift, get my teeth knocked out, get my fingerprints filed off. New fingertips. Get my DNA changed. Get my wiener elongated. I think you can reattach fingertips. You can trade with someone.

Someone with the same size hands. So why are you doing this? So, like, 3.7 million? Who's going to want to trade with you, Ricky? If you come up to me and say, Hey, can I trade fingertips with you? I'm gonna suspect you need new ones for a reason. And I don't want the...

I don't want your old criminal tips. But then it would really... You could convince them, especially if they were fucked. Say, listen, you gotta go through with this. And once you get fingerprinted, just say it's bullshit, show them who you really are, and don't know how the fuck your fingerprints ended up there, but...

What if you get... What if it's a murder charge, Rick? You know, all of a sudden, your prints are all over the murder weapon. And now they're fucking sold onto my fingertips. All right. You know what? That's a terrible deal for me. We'll file them off and get some filled in. It's as if he's gonna murder somebody. I'm just making a fucking point here.

This is a terrible idea. I'm sure you can fill it in. Well, you trade fingertips with him then. Here, I'll get the fucking pliers. I'll do it right now. Machete. Do it all at once. Make sure they're lined up, though.

You don't want to fuck it up. How much to do that? Just right there. See? How much to lose all your digits, Rick? God, it's going to suck, though. How much would it cost? How much would you do that for?

Ten grand. A hundred million? Ten grand. Ten grand. Ten fucking grand. Well, I'm gonna get new ones, right? Or no? No, man, they don't grow back.

Crazy glue. All right, so ten grand. It wouldn't matter if you could feel them or not, just as long as they're there. Pick shit up and stuff. Grab it. If you can't feel them, they're gonna turn fucking black eventually, and they're just gonna fucking chip right off. What do you mean it doesn't matter if you can't feel them?

You wouldn't care if you couldn't feel your fingers? Well, they're $10,000. Then you couldn't hurt them. You couldn't burn them or anything. It would be kinda cool. Jesus Christ, man. You could fucking, like, I could just go like this right now. I'd be fucking, you know what I mean?

You'd like that, would you? I hurt my fingers a lot. You know how mangled and black and burnt your fingers would be if you couldn't feel them, Ricky? And you'd be in pain. As long as blood got to them, they'd be okay, wouldn't they? Keep them wet. Keep them wet.

Keep them in a fishbowl, man. Ricky, oh, my God. You know what? I'm banning that. Yeah. I'm banning it. No more of that. It is pretty...

It is... It's rancid. A rotten smelling thing. Okay boys, let's go get some liquor drinks. Yes! Let's go get some liquor. Didn't think you were ever going to say it. Thanks, bud.

Do you have anything else you need to say or do? Or we're good? We're good. Good. Tune in next week when it's time to go. Do you have anything else you need to say or do? Or we're good? We're good. It's good. Tune in next week when it's just gonna get better. Holy fuck you, wait till next week.

Wait till next week. Ball's up to a long weekend. Is it a long weekend? Is it? It's natal day or natal day as they say somewhere