Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 109 - A No-Suck Guarantee

Episode Date: September 4, 2017

As the Boys attempt to take this podcash to the next level, Ricky forgets that it is 2017, Bubbles does some GREASY eBay searches, and Julian contemplates burying his buddies alive. You can watch the Trailer Park Boys Podcast (and more) on SwearNet for FREE during September! Sign up for a free account at SwearNet.com and use the coupon code SEPTEMBERFREE. DECENT!

Welcome to the Trailer Park Boys podcast, brought to you in parkboysswearingit.com, the only place where you can see the video version of this podcast. Nice one. And go to trailerparkboysmerch.com and check out some merch. Buy some stuff, please. They sponsor us, too. What about the beer and the liquor? I was just getting to that, Richard. Also, sponsored by Freedom 35, beer, drink the dream,

and Liquorman's old dirty Canadian whiskey. Drive her into your guts. Okay, boys. Watch this. This is how you officially start. I like that sound. There, we are underway. All right. I've got this. So, that was nice, though. That's, I just mean the sound. All right, the sound was cool.

You guys got to pick up your game. The fuck are you talking about? Well, I just think the last few haven't been great. No shit. It's our fault? I don't know. It's somebody's fault. You've been half fucking asleep every podcast. That's why I'm drinking, Ricky. All right.

That's why I'm drinking. Taking it up a notch today. All right. Do you want to get this started or what? This popcorn is split right down the middle. This is sweet and salty, and this is cheese. Just like Julian's nut sack. Half of it's sweet and salty, and half of it's cheesy. What the fuck are you talking about? It's not cheesy.

It might be sweet, but it's not cheesy. So there is one half that's sweet and salty? Probably. And I'd like to know how you know this information, Ricky. Yeah. I was just, I don't know, I was just making a joke. Were you poking at it when he was sleeping?

Not recently. No, he don't know, I was just making a joke. Were you poking at it when he was sleeping? No, recently. No, he wasn't poking at it. Taking samples, lick samples? All right, let's get this going. What's up, fucker? I've seen his nuts. Hey, hey, hey, we're getting this going. We're getting this going.

Oh, okay, sorry, get it going. Jesus Christ. What's up, fuckers? This is the official Trailer Prep Boys podcast. It's coming at you right now. Episode 109. It's September 1st. Baby says she's traveling on the. Episode 109. It's September 1st. Baby says she's traveling on the one after 109.

It's not the real lyrics, but I changed it to one. That's great. All right, that's all I got. How come September has a P in it? If it's September. It's September. It's not September. I thought it was September. September. September. It's not September. I thought it was September.

September. September. You've never known. Well, there is a month that has a letter that doesn't get said. What is it? I don't know. January, February. January, February.

February. February. February. That. February. That's how it's spelled, but no one says that, do they? Everyone says February. Holy fuck. Okay. All right.

Starting this one off good. Wednesday. You could say Wednesday. It's got a silent D. Silent D. Nobody says Wed-n's Day. Oh, yeah. Wed-n's Day. Wed-n-ness Day. Wed-n-ness Day. It's got a silent D. Nobody says Wed-in's Day. Oh, yeah. Wed-in's Day. Wed-in's Day.

Okay, we're off to a flying start. You said you wanted to fucking take it up a notch, and then you fucking... What were we talking about before we got interrupted? Oh, no, it was just about Julian's nutsack. We don't need to talk about that. And you were talking about how this is going to be a great podcast. This is going to be good. We're going to get it about that. And you were talking about how this is going to be, you know, a great podcast.

This is going to be good. We're going to get it going on. And you were talking about the fact that you licked Julian's balls while he was sleeping. No, I saw them once. I never licked them. You saw them? We all did. When he passed out.

Remember he used to wear those little thong bikini briefs? He used to wear thongs, man. Well, it wasn't really a thong. And I don't pass out. It was a pretty skimpy bikini brief and your nutsack was hanging out on the side. No, I think that was somebody else. I think that was Randy. No, it wasn't.

I do remember that now that you bring it up, Ricky. We were pretty surprised how large your nuts were. Oh, fuck. And very unkempt. Very unkempt was the word that came into my mind. You're a fuck man. Blonde hair, too. All right, so what should we talk about?

September 1st, 2000 and... 17. A thousand and what, Ricky? It's either 16, 17, or 18. 17. All right. See, I wasn't far off. How in the fuck can you go through life not knowing what year it is?

I know what year it is? I know what year it is when it starts, and then you start second-guessing yourself as the year goes on. Fuck, is it really that? No, it can't be. And it is, I guess. Nobody does that, Ricky. You get, the more you say it, the more you, you know, it reinforces what year it is.

Most people don't forget what fucking year it is, Ricky. Really? Most people. I forget, I miss the 90s. The 90s were good. Well, it's easier now because of your phones and shit. Everyone's gotta fucking have a phone, blah, blah, blah. I have a phone now, thanks to J-Rock. That's how you fucking remember what year it is.

It tells you. You're spending way too much time on the phone, man. What are you guys, what's happened? What are we doing here? Because it's got to be good today. Okay, well, let's figure out how to make it good. Let's figure out how we're going to do this. Give people no sock guarantee.

No sock guarantee. No sock guarantee. Have you ever given any other type of guarantee that involved the word sock, Ricky? I don't know. You mean like a suck suction? I don't know. Just have you ever used a phrase with the word guarantee and sock in the same sentence? Like, I guarantee I could...

Suck you. Suck something? Have you ever said that? No. Not one time. I just said, I guarantee you, if I did that sort of thing, that I'd be really good at it.

Okay, so... Remember when he said that? Yeah, you just said it. No, but I remember. That's what I was getting it. Okay, so... Do you remember when he said that? Yeah, you just said it. No, but I remember. That's what I was getting at. So if you... He said that years ago to Corey and Trevor. So you're good at sucking things.

I said if I did that, I would be good because I know what works and what doesn't. I know what things to avoid and what things to really hit hard. So do you want to suck on something? And I know how to, you know, what sort of hand work would go along with the suction.

Okay, so you're saying you're pretty curious to how well you could actually do it for like for real. I didn't say that. I just said if I did it, I would be good at it. There's nothing wrong with that.

He's seen it in a lot of movies. You know? You do watch a lot of movies with that kind of action going on? Lucy's into that shit a little bit, or was. So I have watched some movies, yes. All right. Ricky could be a master at blowjobs.

That's what we've learned so far on this podcast. Okay, I told you it's going to be a good one. This is the best podcast ever. Which is really kind of strange. Okay, I'm going to create a new segment on the show right now. Better be good. Can't wait. Better not suck.

Do you know what eBay is, Ricky? Yeah. Let's find something super fucked to buy on eBay. There is a good one. So just search fucked up shit? Well, let's see what happens. Penis enlarger. Penis enlarger on eBay.

Penis enlarger. What kinds of shit? Penis enlarger cream. Oh, yeah. Holy fuck. We got some. It's all right. We got them, Ricky.

Look. Pump work. Bigger penis growth power. Vacuum, male enhancement, and larger. How much? 30 bucks. That's neat looking. I'd try that.

See, the way I'm thinking, it's 30 bucks, man. Who's going to strap that thing onto their unit and use it every day? Like, you put something on there for like a thousand bucks, people are like, all right, a thousand bucks? It's definitely going to do something. It's going to do something. It's made with Japanese radishes and Australian rats. Some sort of a...

That's not, no. See, I thought a new segment would be, we would find something like cool art or... Fucking search something fun. I was just joking. Some historical artifact or something. I don't need to enlarge it. Right away.

We're talking about deck pumps. Larger pumps. Okay, so you search something fun. Well, I don't know. I just came up with the fucking segment. I thought you guys would do something other than talking about cocks and making them bigger. Blow up dolls. See, that's still sex.

That's still dirty stuff. Well, it's fucked up. Never mind. I thought we might find some historical artifacts or something. Look up historical fucking artifacts. Just search Jesus and priced highest first. You want to do that? Okay, let's see if you can,

maybe you can find. Maybe you can buy him. You're not, boys. What are you getting into this for? Just let's see. Or her. Type in blow up doll. Sort by highest price.

There we go. What are we dealing with? A million dollars. What? Crackhead, good, evil, original painting. Jesus, Satan, Cubist, Art, Anthony, Foulball. He wants a million bucks for that painting. And he's...

What is it, really? It's a dude with a fucked up head sticking... It's actually really cool. It's a cool painting. Smoking a cigarette. A million dollars, huh? Maybe he's joking, because nobody's going to pay that. Well, go back. Go back for a sec.

Is the guy super famous or something? Well, he's got another painting for another Millsy. Is that the same dude? Yeah. He's got a bunch of them. Oh, yeah. He puts all his paintings up. His Jesus paintings. They're all a million bucks. So let's scroll past bunch of them. Oh yeah, he puts all his paintings up. His Jesus paintings, they're all a million bucks. So let's scroll past this nutjob.

See what else we have. I thought there might be like a Dorito sheep, like... somebody, you know, for sale. Jesus put on a fat suit? What the fuck was that one? Renaissance, oh this is all bulls- I thought you might get Jesus' sandals or something. Yeah. Oh, you're not gonna get that on eBay.

You might. You're not bucks. You can find anything on eBay if somebody had Jesus' sandals. One of his tents. One of his tents? His Jesus tents? Throw in blow up doll.

A Jesus blow up doll? No, not a Jesus one. I wonder if there is one. Highest price first. Because there's some crazy shit that they're making over in Asia, man. Like these blow-up dolls. Well, is it a blow-up doll or a fuck doll? Because they're two different things. Put in fuck doll then.

It's not going to say fuck doll on eBay, man. It might. Blow-up doll. Bang doll. No, fuck doll doesn't come up. No, of course not. Oh, because I left Jesus in there. A Jesus fuck doll.

That's not going to probably come up. Put in alcohol breath neutralizer. A what? Something that can help you drink and drive. Real doll. Ricky, why are you not drinking and driving? I'm putting an end to that. No, but now you can't even have a fucking beer.

Real love dolls. Real love dolls. Holy fuck. 2,300 bucks for a silicone oral sex doll. Nice. Realistic ass vagina. Life like real, male toy. $2,300 box.

And I'm going to bid on it under the name Julian. Don't fucking bid on that, man. See if there's a male one. Why? Bid on that from Julian. Why would I want a male one? Look at that, Ricky. Jesus, Murphy, that thing smokes. She's, like, ready to go.

Jesus. Is that the way she comes? Like that. Look at that. She's like ready to go. Is that the way she comes? Like that? Look at that. That's made out of silicone. I wonder what they took the mold off of. I don't know what they took the mold off of. Definitely nobody I know. Wow, Bobbs, you should get one of those. 2300, Bobbs.

If I bought one for you, would you use it? You know how much fucking cat food I'd get for $2,300? Would you use it? I'll buy one for you. I'll save up some money. I don't want one of those. I would rather spend it on cat food. Okay, what if I did? Would you use it? No. Or just leave it there in your bunk?

No, I would turn it into a scratching post for my kitties. Oh, you can't have that. She's bent over on all fours. Kitties would love that. They get their claws in that silicone. But then you'd have, like, wasps and shit fucking building nests in there and other things going in there.

It'd turn out to be pretty nasty, man. That's all right. All right, I'm going to buy him one for you. Well, I never asked for one. I don't want a $2,300 silicone fuck doll. Would you take a $10,000 one? No. Okay.

I don't want a fuck doll. All right, well, that was a great segment. Well, it was better than talking about you licking his balls when he passed out. Exactly. No, you know what? It could have been better, but it was a good idea. Yeah? You didn't search anything out. Exactly. You know what? It could have been better, but it was a good idea. Yeah. You didn't search anything yet?

No. I don't know. You know what, Buzz? I've been thinking. I'm reading this story here. It's a sad one. All right. Maybe we shouldn't say it

because it's pretty fucking sad. You've got to say it now. All these years, you know what? I've always wanted a dog, man. Like a German shepherd. Yeah. Like a dog, right?

But I can't have one because you live right next door to me with all these cats. Correct. So I've never been able to have a dog, but check this out. Would a cat ever do this? This dog was so loyal to his master that the master died. They fucking threw him in the ground. Dog takes off one day, finds the grave,

he's been sitting there for ten fucking years. That's a sad fucking story, man. He's waiting for him to come back out from the ground? Well, they say that he... He knows he's under there? Some magnetic energy or...

Maybe they communicate. Sense that he was there, but he didn't even know he was fucking buried there. He found him. So they just said, fuck it, you know., but he didn't even know he was fucking buried there. He found him. So they just said, fuck it, you know. They tried to take him back, he'd run back. So he just hangs out there?

He just hangs right there, man. Look at that thing. I don't know what it's called, but apparently sometimes a dog and a person or another animal and person, they can do, it's almost like having a telephone on each mind. I don't know what it's called. You don't even talk. It's called telepathy. Telepathy. Telephonepathy. Telepathy.

Telephone epathy. Telepathy, yeah. See, now that's something a cat wouldn't do. Are you kidding me? Is there anything... Bullshit a cat wouldn't do, I'm telling you. This is something a dog would do. So when you die, it's going to be a flock of fucking cats.

I would not be surprised if there's several hundred kitties sitting in the graveyard. Really? I wouldn't be surprised one bit. Are you gonna get yourself buried where you've been burying all your cats? No, I'm gonna get cooked. See, you know what?

I knew you're gonna get cooked, but I knew you'd say that, so what I think we should do is just dig a hole, not a deep one, maybe two feet down. You get in a box, get in there. We'll have like, you know, some treats and shit, some joints and like.

You wanna run an experiment where I get buried alive? Run an experiment to see if it'll happen. That's a good idea. No, I'm not. You're saying a hundred bucks, we could make some money. We could have like a little raffle. I'm not getting buried alive for your enjoyment. Then we film it, we'll film us burying you.

We could make some money off this. Why don't we bury you, Ricky? Sure, as long as we make money. You would let us bury you alive? Not for long. How long could I live down there? I mean, Willy Goat would definitely not do that. Willy Goat's way too stupid.

He would not go to the grave. How long can you live? You know what? I'm getting all freaked out just thinking about it. I get buried alive. There's nothing that would be worse. No, it's got to be you, though. Because the cats don't like me. No, they hate him. So you've got to about it. I'm getting buried alive. There's nothing that would be worse. No, it's gotta be you though, because the cats don't like me.

No, they hate him. So you gotta do it. Well, then I- And we're gonna say it's real, that you're actually dead, and we're gonna film it, and then we're gonna show all the cats. Maybe you'll-

Then we'll sell it. They'll be writing stories about you like this, man. People go to the movie theaters to watch it. Not getting buried alive for any reason. Bubbles the cat came- There's people who have been buried alive multiple times. I remember there was a guy on David Letterman years ago.

He got buried alive twice by accident. Twice? Yes. Okay, buried alive or getting hit by the lightning? No, they thought he was dead. No, no, no, but I'm saying, what would you rather? Oh, I'd take the lightning jolt. Yeah, man, that would...

Any fucking day of the week. Getting buried alive. You imagine, and you got a lighter in your pocket, and you're like, oh, fuck, where am I? Holy fuck! Boy, you're done. And then you pull out your phone, and oh, my God, my battery's almost dead.

And I got no reception. That's probably a movie. I should write a movie. I can't. Did you know there used to be giant fucking pigeons? What? Yeah. Passenger pigeons.

What about passenger pigeons? I didn't know if fucking they had pigeons that big that could carry people. What the fuck? In 1914, the last passenger pigeon, a female named Martha, dies in captivity in the Cincinnati Zoo. I don't think a passenger pigeon is a giant pigeon that flies people around. Why would they call it that? Maybe it's a carrier pigeon? No, they would say the last carrier pigeon.

A passenger pigeon clearly states that she's fucking carried people. Now I gotta Google what... Or it could have been babies. Now I gotta Google what a fucking passenger could have been babies. Now I gotta Google what a fucking passenger pigeon is. Passenger pigeon.

Okay, he looks like a regular old fucking pigeon. Except he's gigantic. No, he's not gigantic. What is a

passenger? How much food do they eat? They're extinct anyway. They're done. No kidding. Hey, there's

another... Have you seen any lately? What is a passenger pigeon? Could be, like, from the dinosaur area. Passenger pigeon, on Wikipedia,

which is a very reliable source for information... Okay. I'll have to remember that one. ...is an extinct species of pigeon, yes... Yep.

...that was endemic to North America. Its common name is derived from the French word passager, meaning passing by due to the migratory habits of the species. Oh, my fuck. So they just fucked up the name

and it somehow became a call to pasture pigeon because they fucked up the French name? That is dumb. So it doesn't carry people? No. What a stupid name. That is dumb. So it doesn't carry people? No. What a stupid name. I'm glad they're dead. The passenger pigeon was sexually dimorphic in size and coloration.

I don't know what that means. Sexually dimorphic in size? Here, if I tick on that, it's going to tell me what that means. Sexually dimorphism. Here, if I tick on that, it's going to tell me what that means. Sexually dimorphism. Sexual dimorphism is a condition where the two sexes of the same species exhibit different characteristics beyond the... I don't know what any of that means.

That means they look different, man. This bird, the female, has all... Actually, the male's got all the color. I wonder how they know they're all dead. The female doesn't. Look, if we found one, I bet it'd be worth a shit ton. Did you guys see that fucking white moose? Yeah.

That's walking around? Yeah, it's cool. Where's he at? Where's he living? He's in Sweden. I hope nobody blows his fucking head off. They fucking better not. I bet they will. Some asshole's gonna want a trophy with a white moose head.

Well, then go fucking buy a plastic one. He's fucking decent. He's my favorite moose head. Well then go fucking buy a plastic one. He's fucking decent. He's my favorite moose. I wonder if he gets sunburned. He's my favorite moose. I never had a favorite moose before. What's his name? Does he have a name? He does. Lemmy. Lemmy? I think they named him after the motorhead guy. Why? Or maybe that's something else. Something recently got named after Lemmy. I don't think the moose got called Lemmy. Why would the moose get called Lemmy? I might have fucked that up. The aces, bitch! Maybe he can sing. Got a deep voice.

Maybe the moose can sing in a deep voice. A moose can't sing, Ricky. Maybe he's got a decent motorhead collection. What else happened on this fucking September 1st? Can you put up that movie? I don't know. I don't know. Boy, a moose can't sing, Ricky. Maybe he's got a decent motorhead collection. What else happened on this fucking September 1st? Can you put up that moose? Put up a picture of that moose.

A video of that moose. I think September 1st should be another September Fool's Day. They're saying here there's a bunch of them in fucking Newfoundland. They're all over the fucking place, man. I bet people blow their fucking heads off. Probably not. Those are albino moose. They're different. These are Narnia mooses.

Oh. Mies. Mies. Mies. Why isn't it Mies? White moose, Sweden. Here we go. Just to fuck your head up. You got goose, dude.

Why don't you have moose meese? Because schools are like, you know what, let's fuck them around with just one word. Fuck them. Yeah, it's completely white, man, the whole thing. I know, it's horns and everything. Oh, they found the fucking Titanic on this day, 1985. Decent.

Paul McCartney released Press to Play. On the Titanic? What the fuck is Press to Play album? Press to Play, Paul McCartney record. Yeah, but that doesn't make sense, the name of it. Why? Press what? The button to make the machine go, Press to play? Palm Curtain record? Yeah, but that doesn't make sense. Why? Press what? The button to make the machine go. Press to play.

Look at that fucking moose. Look at him. That beautiful cocksucker. So majestic. What a moose. Look at him eat. He is decent. Look at him, white as fuck. He looks like he was dipped in chocolate. Is it weird that I want to take bites out of him? You don't bite the whites.

Well, I wouldn't, actually. All right. I guarantee you some... Famous birthdays. Time of firsts. Rocky Marciano. You had a big crush on him. I didn't have a big crush on him.

He was a great fighter, though, man. Conway Twitty. Bubbs, you liked that guy. Conway Twitty. Ladies and gentlemen, Conway Twitty. Bubz, you like that guy. Conway Twitty. Ladies and gentlemen, Conway Twitty. Gloria Estefan. Yeah. She was pretty good.

Bam Bam Bigelow. Bam Bam Bigelow. Ah, J.D. Bernie Rubble's kid, wasn't he? J.D. Fortune. J.D. Fortune. Used to date Mike Smith. No, that's not true.

They're both from the same place. He banged him, though, didn't he? He did bang him. They did get together at a party.D. Fortune. Used to date Mike Smith. No, that's not true. They were both from the same place. Banged him, though, didn't he? He did bang him. They did get together at a party. Yeah. No, not true. Not true. And Jeffrey Buttle, Canadian figure skater.

Not really up on the figure skaters these days. Oh, I haven't watched that in a long time. Yeah, Canadian figure skater. He was an Olympic guy where he won some medals, that's for sure. Oh, that was exciting. We've got to fucking get down to Florida fast, because I've got to find out what the fuck. There's a guy down there who did something fucked,

and I've got to find out what kind of drugs he was on, because I need to try them. Okay, what did he do? Wait now, you're just... You don't have... What did he do? He did something fucked, so I need to know what kind of drugs he was on so I can try them.

No, but imagine how much fun this must have been. I don't know what was going through his head. They caught him fucking destroying a liquor store with a forklift that was being built. I guess it was like $100,000 damage. Yeah. So when they arrested him, he said he was Alice in Wonderland. And that a hookah-smoking caterpillar told him to destroy the liquor store with a forklift.

Okay. Wow. So he was all cranked up on something. Yeah, that's a fucking next-level shit, though. A hookah-smoking caterpillar. Well, there's a hookah-smoking caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland, so he probably watched the movie on acid or something. Yeah, I've done that, and I didn't get to that fucking level.

We were out in a forklift. Maybe I've got to start doing it. You've done some pretty fucked up stuff, Ricky. Maybe we should try it at a construction site and see what happens. Anyway, I'd just like to talk to the guy and say, man, well done. You spray-painted both your arms silver. True. Because you thought you were a robot.

That is true. Trying to turn yourself into a robot. And then I saw this other story, but this fucking, this guy comes home from vacation. While he was gone, somebody broke into his house, cleaned the whole fucking place top to bottom, didn't take anything, and left. Cleaned the guy's fucking house? Yeah. That's a strange one. There was a guy years ago, I remember reading the story.

It's a strange one. All these dogs started getting stolen out of the neighborhood, and everybody was, oh, my dog got stolen. Then about a week later, all the dogs got returned, and they were all groomed, and all their teeth were cleaned. Wow, that's really fucked up. That's fucking weird, man. So there was some weirdo at his house going, oh, he's a pretty boy.

He brushed your little teeth for you. There we go. It wasn't you? No, it wasn't me. You seem to be pretty comfortable doing all that. I wouldn't fucking steal a bunch of dirty old dogs and clean them. All right.

You know what, on that note, we got to fucking, we got to go, boys. We got to go? We got to get the fuck out of here. Why? We got shit to do today. All right. Well, I'm just going to, there's a couple warnings I wanted to just throw out there for parents.

Okay, make it quick. Everybody in general. Don't go back into a burning house to try to save your cell phone. Some fucking guy did it and died. Well, all right. The fucking, everybody knows that. Never go back into a burning building. But some people are like, oh, fuck, my phone.

I can't live with my fucking phone. Just leaving it. Okay, that's a nice life tip from Ricky. We just started doing that. And don't do this hot water fucking challenge shit. People are fucking dying and getting burnt to fuck. Hot water challenge. Bad.

Hot water challenge? What the fuck are you guys talking about? There's all these challenges on YouTube and fucking people are... Pouring burning water over people and fucking making them drink it and shit. This little guy drank boiling water through a straw on a dare and he died. Okay, so if you guys are dumb, try it.

First psychology. This was podcast number 109. All about cocks and death. Yeah, you know what? And pigeons. I guarantee, I blew it. I tried to guarantee it and it still wasn't great. Nope.

Next one will be better though. You think? Oh yeah, next one's gonna be way better. But, we'll have to see that happen when it happens. So we're the fuck outta here! You are. You are unusual. Ricky, why do you smell like Egg McMuffins all of a sudden?