Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 131 - Matt Mays, on the Liquor

Episode Date: February 19, 2018

Nova Scotia’s own Matt Mays is on the podcash!  The DECENT rocker shares some stories from the road, plays a few tunes, and witnesses a very sexy entry for Julian’s Muscle Person of the Week.  PLUS:  Find out how the Boys spent Valentine’s Day! Episode 131 is brought to you by the official Trailer Park Boys Store, SwearNet.com (the only place to watch the video of this podcash), Liquormen's Ol' Dirty Canadian Whisky, and the Boys' own Freedom 35 lager!

Welcome to the Trailer Perk Boys podcast, brought to you in perkboysswearingit.com, the only place where you can see the video version of this podcast. Nice one. And go to trailerperkboysmerch.com and check out some merch, buy some stuff, please. They sponsor us too. What about the beer and the liquor? I was just getting to that, Richard. Also sponsored by Freedom 35, Drink the Dream, and Leckerman's all-dirty Canadian whiskey.

And a new beer is born. Try my new Ricky's Catch-23 malt liquor. It's stronger than you are. Cheers. What are you on the liquor area? Yeah. It's a good drink. Say that. That is a stiff one. Yeah. What's the drink of choice?

Rum and coke, bud. Yeah. Yeah. Are you kidding me? Rum and coke. Look, Julian's getting hurt over there. I'm not getting hurt. I felt it.

Yeah. Jesus. Feel it from here. All right, do we want to get this going or what? Yes. Yes? Okay, what's going on? Hey, what, bubs?

What? Because usually you guys fuck around, and then I've got to do it. I've got to make sure I don't get interrupted, right? Start of the show. Well, I'm not going to interrupt you. What's going on, fuckers? Go right ahead. There's no way I'm going to interrupt you.

What the fuck are you doing, man? I'm just telling you. I've got a special guest here, and you're making me look like I'm an amateur. Amateur hour. Professional. Very special guest. Yes.

In the studio today. Are you going to do it? I... Bubs, am I going to do it, man? Do it. What the fuck's going on, fuckers? You're going to do it. This is the fucking...

Well, you've got to stop, you know, the interruption. All right, this is 130th podcast. I don't even know what the fucking thing is. Fuck it up. Okay, because you're getting me all flustered. What's the date? It's February the fucking 12th. Nope.

Nice try. Nice try, asshole. It's the 16th. It's settled down, man. That was good. Give me a drink. I like your special guest, bubs. Yes, he can throw out the insults. All It's settled down, man. That was good. Give me a drink. I like your special guest, bubs.

Yes, he can throw out the insults. All right, all right, okay. So is this your date from Valentine's? Yeah. You said you're going to have a special guest. I have a special guest. But no, we thought because it's before Valentine's, you'd have like a lady or something. Valentine's happened two days ago.

You're fucking stupid. Are you kidding me? You missed it? I fucking, oh man. I didn't. I missed it. You're fucking stupid. Are you kidding me? You missed it? I fucking... Oh, man. I didn't. I missed it. I got Chinese food. He was playing down at the Legion,

and we've been on a fucking drinking bender ever since. Yeah, I got dumped, and we ended up at the Legion. That's usually where I go, because they got the scooters for like $2. The old ladies were digging you. Well, I don't know about that, but Julian was. Here we go again special fucking guest

special guest Matt Mays in the studio everybody as long as he's not a dick for the rest of the podcast I hope he's a dick I'm not Adam Baldwin

I won't be yeah he was you know look boys I went to the Legion passed out valentines look how many I got in return I already was quite the dick. I went to the Legion, passed out Valentines. Look how many I got in return. That's it?

From the ladies. And I got one for you, Ricky. There you go. What the fuck is this, man? And this is from Janet at the Legion. Julian, that's for you. I know Janet. You know Janet?

Janet Rodenizer? Yes. Janet. How come it's just Valentine? It doesn't really say anything. It just has a cock. A puppy with a cock on it. I don't know who drew those. It wasn't me. It must have been Janet.

Here, you can have one, too. I got one for you, too, but I think I left it in the car. I'll get it, though. Ricky, you don't have a fucking Valentine for me. You're lying. I got all kinds of Valentines right there. I smooched two ladies, too. Does she have teeth?

What? Do they have teeth? Yes, they have fucking teeth. At least a couple of chiclets there? Of course they have teeth. There's a lot of older ladies at the fucking Legion that night. It's more than I got. She'd probably eat an apple through a tennis racket, though.

A little snaggled up. Keep jerking, man. Face like a half-chewed caramel. Matt Mays on the liquor. That was a good one. He's on the liquor. So you got smooch. It's more than I got. I got in a big fucking fight. Got smooch with a fist.

Chinese food. Goddamn restaurant. Full on. It was almost a brawl, actually. Oh, you and Susan? Yep. Oh, man. What happened?

How'd that start? I ate one of her chicken balls when she went to the bathroom. She fucking lost it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Susan? Yep. Oh, man. What happened? How'd that start? I ate one of her chicken balls when she went to the bathroom. She fucking lost it.

Yeah, that'll do it. The old chicken ball fever. The old chicken ball fucking... You can't touch a woman's chicken balls when she goes to the bathroom. That's how it started. She was talking about my weight and that turned into me fucking talking about her makeup.

You know how it goes. Oh, man. One thing led to another. Next thing you know, we're yelling at the fucking top of our lungs, the whole restaurant. What did you say

about her makeup? I thought it was a little heavy at times. You didn't call her what I think you called her. What would that be now? You didn't... Never mind.

I remember before when you said you got whorish makeup on. Saturday Night Hall of Street whore? Ugh, that's not good. I didn't call her that. You can't be doing that, man. No.

So you gotta... I mean, you gotta find a chick that you can be yourself around and not get in fights all the time, Rick. That's fucked. She's fucked. All you gotta do is... they basically fight and bang. That's all they do, Rick. That's fucked. She's fucked. All you got is just... They basically fight and bang. That's all they do, man. You got a lady? I do. Do you guys fight a lot?

No. No. There you go. She gets some advice. We have. We figure it out. You know, everybody fights. There's fighting and there's bickering.

Yeah. Right? And you get bickering is good. This is usually full on yelling, but the makeup sex is insane, so it's hard to kind of end it. Makeup sex? Like, heavy makeup sex?

Yeah. No. That's all done. That's why I'm so confused. Okay, the get-better sex. The get-over-it sex, whatever you call it. Put the hell behind you sex. Yeah.

Dirty. It's better to just have kitties, I'm telling you. Kitties don't argue with you. I thought you meant the bang. That was kind of weird. Yeah, that is kind of weird, man. I thought the same thing. Well, of course that's not what I fucking mean. Jesus, Murphy. I mean just for hanging out. You know.

All right. What have you got written there, Randy? I've prepared a few things. So your girl is a chef? She is. How the fuck do you know that? I looked up some shit. How do you know how to work a fucking kick-ass chef?

She is, man. You're lucky. I'm surprised you're not 400 pounds. I know. Me too. It's nuts that I'm not. It's a lot of hard work. So, like, every meal she makes is just fucking... Like being at a restaurant. I'll tell you what, little boy, it's a lot of fucking dishes.

I've never washed so many dishes in my life. That's the deal. That's true. A chef will use a big, you know, separate pot for everything. It'll be a tiny little thing, and I'll be, like... My programs will be on, and I'll be, like, my programs will be on, and I'll be watching my programs, and I'll be, it's like two hours after dinner, watching these tiny little dishes that are smaller than that,

that have something crusted so heavily in there that it takes forever. Wow. However, the next day, it's like, okay, we got a really great meal. I should talk to her. I'd like, does she make preserves? Oh, she preserves, yeah, oh, yeah. I would like to talk to her. She makes preserves, man.

I've been having problems making my preserves. She makes the best pickle I've ever had. So she doesn't give a fuck about using, she'll just use whatever dish she needs to eat and she doesn't really need it, just to dirty it up because you've got to do the dish. Yeah, I think sometimes I call her out on that, yeah. I'll make Kraft dinner in a pot rather than, you know,

then just put the next meal in on top of it and wash it at the end of the day. Yep. That's the easiest thing to do. Wash it at the end of the day. Yep. That's the easiest thing to do. I've done that with burgers. That's pretty fun. Or bakers, that is. Cooked burgers or bacon up in your old Kraft Dinner pot.

Well, yeah. I don't necessarily cook burgers in a pot very often, but... Well, that's better than... Pot burgers. Better than dirtying another dish. No, no, when Ricky makes pot burgers, they're different. They've got weed in them. It's no worse than making soup in a frying pan.

Done that before. I have, too. Yeah, he makes chicken noodle soup in a frying pan. Says it heats up quicker. It tastes different for some reason. I've reheated the full, like, McDonald's combos in one frying pan altogether. Just cut it up and throw it in and heat it up. It tastes different for some reason. I've reheated the full, like, McDonald's combos in one frying pan altogether. Just cut it up and throw it in and heat it up.

It's good. That sounds fucking good. What, like burger and fries? Yeah, everything, man. Like a big hash. Yeah, a big hash, yeah. McHash. So Once Upon a Hell of a Time,

that's a good name for your record. I like that. Yeah. I like that. Is that a question? Good songs. No like that. Yeah. I like that. Is that a question? Good songs. No, the question was gonna come after.

How do you come up with names for records? I was on an airplane and I was reading a surf magazine and there was a story in a surf magazine called Once Upon a Hell of a Time. I ripped it off completely from this magazine article. It is a cool name. But the thing a Time, I ripped it off completely from this magazine article. It is a cool name. Yeah, but the thing is, I liked it so much because it felt like, I had a bit of a wild

last decade, so it was sort of a good name for it. What do you mean a wild last decade? You've been just partying for ten years? Yeah, yeah. He's a real true rock star. Yeah, yeah. It was a hell of a time, as in, like, really, like, a good time. Like, I was a fucking hell of a time.

Because, you know, Trooper said one time, Trooper said, we're here for a good time, not a long time. I don't know if you ever heard that. I did, I did. That's a trooper. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

So what's, it's okay. So we're talking about, you know, crazy partying for ten years. I did, I did. That's a trooper. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So what's, it's okay. So we're talking about, you know, crazy partying for 10 years. I always ask this of the rock stars. What's the craziest story you can actually tell me with the cameras on? That I can actually tell you?

Well, with the cameras on. Yeah. People are gonna see this. About 14 people are gonna cameras on. Yeah. People are going to see this. About 14 people are going to see this. Right. You've got to be aware of that. Well, it had to do with the museum, and they left the door unlocked in a certain compartment,

and me and a buddy of mine went around. It was like night at the museum. And we were like, what kind of museum doesn't turn the fucking alarm system on? So there's animals there, so we were getting on top of the animals, and we essentially had a party at this museum, and nobody knew.

That'd be awesome. Yeah, that was probably, it was a wild night at the museum. See, I wasn't really expecting that, I thought it was gonna be some story. It was pretty good. Helicopters and stuff? Yeah, just, you know, ladies and weed and helicopters and... I didn't say there wasn't those three things in the museum.

Just not on camera. Oh, okay. Okay, I just... Petroni in there riding on a fake hyena or something. Dirtying it up. Yeah, it was an hyena, but close, man, yeah. What museum was it? What city was it in? I'm not going to, I can't say, I can't say. That's one thing I can't divulge, I don't think.

Was it on, in Canada? It was in Canada, yeah, it was in Canada. See, that's smart, you shouldn't say anything. Like, Ricky, if he did that, everybody would be knowing that, you know. Right, yeah. Fucking rocked out. Boys, I'd rock the fuck out. But then you get in trouble, right?

I'd have the cops in the corner. Yeah, yeah. That's smart, man. Yeah, thanks, bud. It is. It's much smarter. Not talk about it. I'm not that way all the time.

Because Ricky would just say, hey, boys, right on camera. He'd say, I robbed the liquor store. Like two hours ago. So there's some rumors going around. I know they're probably bullshit, I guess you're gonna be playing Massey Hall? Yeah, I'm playing Massey Hall. Holy fuck! Why would that be bullshit?

That's pretty crazy. I thought it was bullshit. I still think it's bullshit. I think until it happens. That is fucking awesome. It's been a dream of mine for my whole life and I got to call this guy named Louie Thomas. I don't know if you guys know Louie. Yeah, Louie? He's a know Louie. Yeah, Louie. He's a newfie.

Louis, I call him. Yeah, yeah, he's a Spanish newfie. He's got that crazy brother. Yes, yeah, he's got two crazy brothers. Yeah, yeah. He's got the one guy that looks just like Randy. One of his brothers looks just like Randy, but his boiler's actually bigger than Randy's.

And, yeah, Louie called me and he was like, yeah, this is gonna happen. Yeah, dream come true. That's awesome. That's an awful fuck. Yeah. That's very, and you just played a show at the, what's it called over there?

Metro Centre. The Metro Centre. It's not that anymore, but that's what I'd call it. Yeah, yeah. If they were throwing me a couple bucks, I would have called it the Scotiabank Center, but I was, you know. That was a great show, man. That's good.

Metro Center. Metro Center. That's a big place to be playing. Played with July Talk and the Beaches. They were cool, too. It was nice to see your face backstage, Ricky, man. That was fun. That meant a lot to me, man.

That was a wicked show. I liked the ukulele part. Yeah. Yeah. Halifax Ukulele Gang. Yeah, that was neat. It's pronounced ukulele part. Yeah, yeah. Halifax Ukulele Gang. Yeah, that was neat. It's pronounced uka-le-lay. I did not know that.

Uka-le-lay. I'll never fuck it up again. I mean, just to get technical, but we don't need to get into that. So when you shorten it, do you call it ooks instead of youks? Yeah. Yeah? Ook. And ooks.

Ook. That's meaning my ook. Really? Ricky, that thing I ate, was that what was in that? Not much. Fuck's sake. Just a bit of liquor and some hash. Eating liquor.

I ate a hash brownie that had liquor in it. Apparently. Okay, boys, you know what time it is? What time is it, bubs? Oh, fuck, don't even say it. It's Kitty of the Week time. No! We're not doing it this week, I thought. Why not?

Take it easy, man. I would, I kind of want to see this. No, no, you guys don't want fucking Kitty of the Week. No, okay, let's do it. But just some people, when we listen to it, they can't see it and it's fucking weird. You can't hear it. Forget it, I don't like your reaction.

No, let's do it. No time for Kitty of the Week, man. No, we'll do it. Oh, but look of the Week. No, we'll do it. Oh, but look, there's time for Julian's muscle videos, I bet. What videos? More people submitted. We were having Kitty of the Week, and then Julian suggested that people send in muscle man videos instead. I didn't suggest anything.

Okay, stop sending in the fucking videos, please. Muscle man videos. Last week, there was a bunch of dudes at a bodybuilding competition. Julian was rock hard watching, but it was weird. They're all oiled up. You guys are so fucked. No, stop sending in the fucking videos. Well, there's a muscle man video here, Julian, so we might as well.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Since we don't have time for Kitty of the Week. I can't wait to see it. Here's Julian's muscle man video. Whoa, whoa. Oh, there you go, Julian. Check that out, Julian. Yeah, oh, look.

Oh, Julian, he's working out. He's pretty strong. Julian's muscle person of the week by Julian. You made this? I didn't fucking know. You submitted your own video? No, no, no. I submitted it.

Yeah. It's a great rhythm, man. I don't know where the soundtrack's from. Julian, what is this? Why is he... I had nothing to do with this video, believe me. I didn't know you knew how to edit stuff together. I don't know how to edit anything together.

He's really eyeing up his friend there. What? He's really eyeing him up. Two guys at the gym. Oh. Yeah. I wear guys at the gym. Oh. I wear that to the gym. Oh, no, no, no. Julian?

Guys. Reveal it. Julian. Yeah, that's fucked. Okay, get this off. Julian's muscle person of the week. Yeah, nice. Who the fuck did that?

Bye, Julian. That was really well done, Julian. Jesus Christ. Those guys have direction, man. Right? Yeah. Nice music choice, too, Julian. I had nothing to do with it.

Please. Don't worry about it. All your Jesus Christ. Those guys have direction, man. Right? Nice music choice too, Julian. I had nothing to do with it. All your names on it by Julian. How easy is it? You can do that shit, man. No. I like the Pac-Man font on that.

Yeah, that's... That was all, you know, that was all time coded as they say. There's no way to mess with that. So when is this Massey Hall show? Is there tickets available? Geez, we segued right back into that. Oh, I forgot to ask when it was. I want to go.

Yeah, man, you guys got tickets. You're already on the list. What? It's May the 4th. May the 4th be with you. Yeah, it's May 4th. May the 4th be with you. Can't forget that.

Mays the 4th be with you. Nice. You like that? Yeah, that's good. I just May the 4th be with you. Can't forget that. Mays the 4th be with you. Nice. You like that? Yeah, that's good. I just threw that out for the first time as a bit of a tester. Mays the 4th be with you. May the 4th.

Mays the 4th. Mays the 4th. Mays the 4th be with you. That's awesome. Massey Hall. Where can people get tickets? Online. Online somewhere, I'm sure. Yeah. Just Google it. Just Google it.

Get the fuck there, it's gonna be a good show. Yeah, it'll be fun. We are gonna have to go up for that. We've been to Massey Hall, haven't we? Yep. You guys play Massey Hall? I believe so. Yeah?

Yes, sir, we've been there. Yes, because Alex Lifeson got on stage, remember? I do remember that now. Remember? That was pretty crazy. Alex Lifeson got up from rush and played music. Closer to her. That was a blurry one.

That was a blurry one. Geez, that would have been great. We're definitely going up for that May 4th. How the fuck are we going to get up there, bubs, huh? Drive. You guys can roll with us. We'll drive. All right, we can roll with them.

That's an option. All right, you got a bus or anything? Or what's going on? We'll find. All right, we can roll with that. That's an option. All right, you got a bus or anything? Or what's going on? We'll find something. Okay. We're gonna be there. Look, I'll tell you the day before, maybe old Baldwin will go down the stairs the day before.

Whoops, down he goes. Can't play the show. Bobble steps in on the guitar. I mean, I wouldn't push Adam Baldwin down the stairs. I'm not saying that. What was that all about? Nothing. Adam would be like, Ah, Bubbles, there he pushed me down the stairs. Ah, fuck you, man.

Better cut that out. You better snap that part out where I said I was going to shove him down the stairs in case he sees it. I don't want him to see that. All right, bubs. I got a little him to see that. All right, Pops, I got a little story here for you. You might like this. It's about a stupid dog, man. This happened about 60 years ago.

No such thing as a stupid dog. This guy, okay, he's, no, he's fucked. Always stupid owners, never stupid dogs. Right. I don't know. Anyway. He's got a great set of tricolors on him. Yeah, you can, okay, yeah.

Don't, don't, don't. Okay, sorry, sorry. This dog, there was a hole in the side of tricolors on him. Yeah, you can look. Yeah. Don't look yet. Okay, sorry. This dog, there's a hole in the side of this tree and a fucking squirrel ran in, so he ran in after him. Climbed up 28 fucking... How do you know it was a squirrel?

It could have been something, some kind of animal. Raccoon? Gopher, squirrel. Anyway, he ran up the fucking tree. I'm calling bullshit. And got stuck at 28 feet. They found him 60 years later, bud. Look at that. He's like a mummy.

He's still alive. That's a Weimaraner. Oh, he's not alive. Is it? No, he's definitely not alive, man. He's fucking 60 years old. Walking dead. Plus. Canine edition.

How would he be alive? What do you think he would have ate in there for 60 years? I thought he said zombie dogs. He's fucked. I thought he said the tree preserved him. It preserved his dead body. Yeah. Oh. So thought he said the tree preserved him. It preserved his dead body. Yeah. Oh.

So they hacked down the tree and they were cutting it up into logs. His teeth are wider than mine. Yeah. It pisses me off a bit. Termites. Termites like to eat plaque. If he was alive, I would do that. Termites don't like to eat plaque.

What the fuck? Termites will keep your teeth. You want to have white teeth, sprinkle termites on them at night. That is not true, man. Just fire your mouth full of termites before you go to bed. Right before you go to bed. If you have wooden teeth, don't do that, though. Wooden teeth wouldn't last.

Or a wooden packer. Don't put them in your underwear. Same thing they did to Han Solo, but with a tree. What? It's the same thing they did to Han Solo, but with a tree. Yeah, cryogenically frozen. Use cryogenic tree frozen. It, cryogenically frozen. We cryogenically- Carbonite. Fused cryogenic tree frozen. Be a lot cheaper.

Yeah. You fucking sound like Ricky a little bit. What? Matt Mays sounds like Ricky. That means I'm cool. That's the best compliment I think I've ever received, Bob, so thanks, man. Carbonite.

That's what Owen Solo was in. Carbonite? He was in Carbonite, wasn't he? Solo was in. Carbonite? He was in carbonite, wasn't he? That was Mel-O-Le and Falcon. What? He was carbonite at the Cleveland Barbecue last summer. No, that's not carbonite.

I don't believe they have carbonite here. You gotta go to... You gotta go to Tatooine. So how did that work, Bubz, with Han Solo, with the carbonite? You might as well explain it to him. I don't know how to fucking use carbonite. It's not an element we're familiar with here on Earth.

Tatooine is such a good name for a tattoo parlor. Anyone ever already thought of that? Tatooine? What are you doing? I'm Tatooine, this guy. You're fucking on fire. Yeah, big lightsaber tattoo gun, Tatooine. Yeah, big lightsaber.

Tatooine. I thought of one. I don't know if anybody, I'm sure somebody must have did this, but if I was going to be a DJ, you know, at the clubs, I'd be Ted Danson. D-A-N-C-I-N apostrophe. Ted Danson. Ted Danson.

That's awesome, man. Right, DJ? Like, you know, from Cheers. Ricky, you know Ted Danson from Cheers Danson. Yeah. Ted Danson. That's awesome, man. Right? DJ, like, you know, from Cheers. Ricky, you know Ted Danson from Cheers. I get it. I just don't think it's...

It's not that funny, man. Well, you come up with a better fucking DJ name. Like, if it was real, like, Bubz Danson, but it was cool somehow if you said that. Then it doesn't make any fucking sense. No shit. That's what I just said. What the fuck is that? Oh, my God.

It's starting to get... Fair enough. How do you stop it? Get it off. How many times have you watched that video, man's starting to get it. How do you stop it? Get it off. How many times have you watched that video, man? Does it just keep coming on? All night?

I think you should just be DJ Bubbles and fill the whole fucking club with bubbles. Floor to ceiling. See, that would be pretty cool, actually. Lasers. Yeah, DJ Bubbles in the house. You can't DJ, though. I can DJ. Most DJs just have a fucking iPod anyway,

and then they just stand up there doing that. Spacebar DJs. That's right. I could be DJing. You do any DJing? I do, man, I do. You can cut up on the tables, man. I do reggae night usually, yeah.

Fuck no way, man. I do, yeah. I used to You can cut up on the table. I do a reggae night usually, yeah. Fuck no way. I do, yeah. I used to do one in Halifax every Thursday. What in the fuck? Puffs. That's gonna haunt me in my sleep. You take your videos and go to the bathroom. You'd really do a reggae night?

Yeah. That would be awesome. Tribeca back in the day in Halifax. Every Thursday I did it. Damn it. I'm getting her back on. I'm getting a little set together these days Fuck yeah. That would be awesome. Yeah, Tribeca, back in the day in Halifax. Every Thursday I did it. Damn it. And I'm getting her back on. I'm getting a little set together these days, yeah. Where are you going to be playing that?

Probably in Toronto. I'm in shitty old Toronto these days, and trying to look for a place to do it, yeah. Fuck. That'd be awesome. Have you ever played, like, ever sing any reggae stuff? No, not really. No?

No. I just kind of try to, you know, ease in the genre as a fan. It never sounds good. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. Do you hang out with Scratch Bastard? Not enough, not enough. We're old friends, but I never get to see him enough.

He's got the skills. He is, man. He's good, too. He's got the skill-ass. What about Joel Plastered? Joel Plastered? Joel Plaskit and the Plastic Baskets. Oh, yeah.

Plaskit. Joel's also an old friend of mine. We lived close to each other in Dartmouth for a couple years. Nice. Swapped guitarist. He's a good dude. He's a great guy.

He doesn't DJ, does he? He doesn't, he should. He should, what was his name? Joel's told me about a lot of great records. So he's a Joel Plaskit DJ. Jesus, I know there's a... I know there's one just sitting right there. Plasterd, maybe that's...

Yeah, DJ Plasterd, yeah. Plasterd could be his... It's funny because he doesn't really drink a whole lot, so it would be kind of a cool name for him. It would be because if you could get Joel to chug a quart... Or a bottle of wine. Yeah. Get him to chug a quart before he goes on stage

and then he's DJ Plasterd and just... Yeah, DJ Pl Plaster. He just tips over on his tables and crashes into the audience and pisses himself. I thought the new movie was about him, Slender Man. Ricky. He is slender, yes, he's slender. There's lots of slender people, man. Why would you even think that?

Fuck. Jacob could be Slender Man. He's slender, yes, he's slender. There's lots of slender people, man. Why would you think that? Fuck. Jacob could be slender, man. Oh, man, I want a liquor drink now that he's having one. How about a drink of air freshener? That's the new in thing. Is it now? People are drinking air freshener. Airwick?

Airwick Flives? This one woman, she does 20 cans a week. She likes the fresh linen one. What? Yeah, she's addicted. Is that Febreze or Airwik? It's like a can. You just take those cans, fucking air compression,

you spray it on a glass of ice and drink her down. She loves them. I haven't tried it yet. You're not going to try that, man. You must have that mixed up with something. It's going to be the next Tide Pod thing, man. You're gonna start a whole thing. Yeah, those people are fucked. You said it's great over just a nice glass of crushed ice. I'm gonna try it.

You're not, Ricky. You're not starting to drink fucking... It is flammable. It's flammable. Flammable. You're not gonna start doing that. What are flams? Yeah, what is a flam?

A flam's delicious. What makes a flam available? Yeah, it is a flam? A flam's delicious. What makes a flam available? Yeah, it should be flammable, right? Well, yeah, but flammable. And if it's in-flammable... Flim flam. Shouldn't it just be flammable if it's actually flammable?

I don't see it. Inflammable. I fucking like this guy. Infamous? See, his brain works like mine. It's like, yeah, I mean, it's infamous. Is that till then or is that till when? That's till then or whenever, Richard.

So polite. Who are you talking to, Ricky? What just happened there? The imaginary boy that walked by with a sign that said fuck. Who are you talking to? Ricky, you're so fucked. You guys didn't see him? No, what are you looking for?

Wow, these drugs are great. Who's him? That guy. Where is he? Ricky, you're out. He's gone, all right. Could be drugs. You don't lay off the mushrooms, Ricky.

Did we do mushrooms today? You did, really? I saw you do them in the parking lot. Oh, click. No recollection. We ate a handful of them. Everybody thought you were gonna pass them out. You ate them, then you're like, what, was that all of them?

No recorrection of that at all. All right, well, what do you say we fucking hear some music? Oh man, that would be fucking great. Yes, I can't wait to hear you play Bubbles. Let's do this. No, you're the fucking guest. You have to play. Yeah, we hear him play all the time. Oh, okay, well, great. That was full time. Can't wait for you to play Bubbles, let's do this. No, you're the fucking guest, you have to play. Yeah, we hear him play all the time.

Oh, okay, well, right. That was part of the deal, I can play anytime, but you're only here today, so. Oh man, is this really gonna happen? Yeah, are you up for it? Oh, fuck yeah, man, always. Okay, you wanna see some magic? What happens?

I can snap my fingers. Yeah, and we'll be in where? We'll appear in a different we'll go to another dimension okay before you stop we should all like be still for a second so it'll yeah we could just go to the living room do this Ricky go Ricky oh fuck decent whoa what'd you think of that Ricky that was cool boss I don't know Decent. Whoa, trippy.

Holy. What'd you think of that, Ricky? That was cool, Buffs. I didn't know we were gonna change locations. I didn't think that was gonna work. Oh yeah, it worked. Nice. I haven't seen this guitar in like ten years.

This just showed up. Yeah, I know that was caught in the vortex there. This was stolen at a show with Saskatoon. Yeah, there she is. I brought her back. This is fucking awesome. Yeah. That was decent. So what are we gonna hear?

It's a song off my new record, Once Upon a Hell of a Time. It's called New York City Girls. Awesome. Nice. Way better than fucking Scotiabank Center. Look at this. Yeah. Front row. and I started out so easy

living street dive bar downtown I used to drag the boys out on the weekend That's when I heard she'd like to come around And every now and then I'd get to see her Waltzing in with Demi's side voice She had eyes that could cut through the haze You could still smoke in bars back in them days. Stop falling for New York City girls. Stop falling for New York City girls.

So I talked to my main man Kenny. He's worked the bar there for a hundred years or more When I asked him all about her He said, man, what are you doing this to yourself for? Don't matter what you do Don't matter what you say She'll never love you anyway You gotta move on, yeah, you gotta move on Then he said

Stop falling for New York City girls Stop falling for New York City girls guitar solo Loneliness Slow dances with darkness Through a city that never used to sleep Our ghosts kissing right on the sea train

And memories they turn into dreams Don't matter what I do, don't matter what I say She'll never love me anyway I've gotta move on, yeah, I've gotta move on Yeah, I've gotta move on Yeah, yeah Stop falling for New York City girls Stop falling for

New York City girls Stop falling for New York City girls Stop falling for New York City girls Yeah! That was fucking great. Decent! Thanks, boys.

Yes, sir. Matt Mays. Appreciate it. Check him out at Massey Hall. When? May. May the 4th. May the 4th. May 4th. May's the 4th.

May's the 4th to be with you. Yeah. May's the 4th to be with you. Perfect. Fucking like that. That's how I remember where I gotta be when.