Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 16 - Skip the Missus Escort Service

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

Get ready for anvil envy - Bubbles has got a DECENT chunk of heavy metal! The Boys chat about Ricky's greasy new business idea, Bible Pimps, and Julian's face mask hustle. Also: Ricky tells us about his COVID-19 test... now streaming on PornHub?!

Holy fuck, boys, could you get it any smokier in here? Wasn't me. Not bad, huh? Ricky, take it easy on the fucking bong. You don't gotta smoke the whole fucking bag at once. Where's the fucking remote, Bob? Try to stay awake. Bob Bulls.

What? Where's the fucking remote? I didn't take the fucking remote, Bob? I'm trying to stay awake. Bob Bulls. What? Where's the fucking remote? I didn't take the fucking remote. Well, it's not easy playing this game unless you can fucking hear what's going on. Just let's get this thing going here. Fuck's sakes. Fuck, man. If I said an hour. It's been an hour, Ricky. Jesus Christ.

Can we make it an hour and a half? No. I was fucking with this god damn anvil for at least an hour. Why did I stay up all night? Because you're a fucking nightmare, man. I stayed up with you, so stop being a pussy and get up. All right. What came first, the anvil or the band?

The anvil. The anvil, Ricky. The band was named because of the anvil, because the anvil's- Well, maybe that was named after the band, if that's what I'm asking. No, this came first, and they're named anvil because anvils are made of heavy metals. Ah, you know what? Never got it until today. Anvil?

Never got it. It meant something. Thought it was just a cool name. Well, it is, but I mean, they picked it because anvils are metal and they're heavy. That's fucking smart. Do many people fucking sit around for hours cleaning anvils? When you get one like this, they would. That's fucking, that's an old guy right there. That's a railroad tracker? That's a railroad tie.

Yeah? Why do they call it a tie? I don't know. Because it ties things together, man, so it turns into a railroad. I thought a tie was the wooden piece. That's a whole... You don't get homemade handles anymore, boys. That's a fucking beautiful... Who the fuck made that?

Seymour! Who? You know old Seymour. He used to live down the end of the park. He made that. He's dead, isn't he? Seymour Petit? No, his name wasn't Seymour Petit. What was it? Seymour?

Old Seymour. I don't know what his last name was. I know Jerry and his big rig. Yeah, Jerry's heading out on a long haul. Look at that, boys. I'm going to go to bed right after this. I'm going to rest up for tonight. What's tonight? We gotta do something, man.

Friday, September 11th. I'll wait a second now. September... I don't know if it's the fact it's Friday or if it's the fact it's September 11th, but one of those is triggering a memory. September 11th, Ricky. Is it someone's birthday? September 11th! Ricky. Was it someone's birthday? September 11th.

9-11. Yeah. You don't remember what that is? I do, but I don't. Did someone get married? J-Rock was living in his van somewhere down in front of the fucking trailer park back in September 11th. Yes. I'm right, aren't I?

Are you guys both fucked in the head? You don't remember what 9-11 is? I know what 9-11 is. Not the big one, was it? The big one, Ricky, where the planes crashed into the... Oh, fuck. So that's why I sounded familiar, I guess. That was a fucking... Yeah, that was a bad day. It was a really fucked up day. Yes, it was a horrible fucking day.

That was around the time that fucking, you were banging that stripper that turned out to be a... Remember she, we thought they were selling Bibles? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It turned out she was a stripper. Yeah, she was hot. That happened. What was the year? 2001. Wasn't it? Yeah. September 11th, 2001. Yeah, I think you're right.

So it's been 19 fucking years, boys. Almost 20 years. That fucking Bible salesman was in the park that day, I remember. I remember. She was hot, though. day, I remember. I remember. She was hot, though. She was hot, oh, yes, Murphy. She was hot, but I mean, they were... See, I can't, like, you know, I thought for sure that... What base did you get?

I was going to settle down. What base did I get to? Come on. What do you mean? What base did I get to? Did you hit it out of the park? Were you playing baseball with her? Let me think. I started dating her. Did this shit just go down like...

Yeah, I was dating her for a week I think, wasn't it? I don't remember. I remember I was gonna crank that fucking Bible salesman up. Tell me about it. Condescending. Well, she was banging him, wasn't she? Was she banging that guy? Hampton. Wasn't his fucking name Hampton?

It was Hampton. Dirty cocksucker. I don't think she was banging him, though. I wonder what she's up to these days. What's your plan with this fucking thing? I'm just going to shine it up and make it nice. You're getting flakes of fucking rusted shit into my fucking drink. Come on, cover your fucking drink.

So you're gonna shine it up and then what? It's just a nice old thing to own, Ricky. I'm gonna maybe paint it. Maybe I'll paint it fire engine red. Guarantee you that's been up Seymour's ass, this bird. If you paint it, then I'll paint it all chipped off. And you anvil stuff. No, if I paint it, I won't use it as an anvil. I'll just have it as a heart piece.

But I mean, I could use it as a real anvil. I'd like to make a sword. Or an ass diddler. You're not making any of those things out of my anvil. I got this. Racky, there's a whole bunch more tools down in Seymour's old shed that I've got dibs on. Randy said I could have first dibs, so next week I might have a bunch of... Get me something for pounding.

Pounding what? I want to do some pounding. What type of pounding? Like metal pounding. Like bang-bang pounding. That's what this thing's for. That's what this is for, Ricky. Yeah, I want to build...

If you fold steel into like 100 times, you can make a nice sword, I think it is. 400 times? Ricky, you've been watching Forged in Fire again. Those ninjas' swords. He watches Forged in Fire and he thinks he can make a sword. Like, some of those things are like 400 layers or something?

Yes, but you don't just fucking- There's no way you could do that. Ricky, it's... What's the fire? What do you mean? That makes the heat? It's fire, Ricky. No, but it's hotter than a normal hot.

I don't know. Lots of coals, man. I've never watched it. Lots of fucking red hot burning coals. I think I did inhale some rust. Well, you should have a fucking mask on, man. Yeah. And you're getting shit gloves.

I can feel them fucking hitting me. Yeah. Oh, man, remember that idea we had last night, banged up? With the escort service? No, no. It was a good one. I forget what it was called, but it was fucking funny. Hold that thought. Oh, skip the one. I forget what it was called, but it was fucking funny.

Hold that thought. Oh, skip the misses. Skip the misses. Yeah, escort service. Oh, Rick. That's a good idea. That's a catchy fucking name of the company. Whose idea was that? Was I even there?

I don't remember that. Skip the misses. I don't remember. Maybe you just came up with it on your own. Yeah, deliver. Skip the misses. So you skip your... W it on your own. Yeah, delivery. Skip the misses. So you skip your... Wife or your girlfriend.

Your wife goes to work, call us. Skip the misses. I bet you it's never been called that before. Skip the misses escort service, isn't it? We're not in the phone book. Maybe we should be. So that's Doober and Skip the messes now. We're gonna be.

He'll come up with. Except for that. Oh, here. Hey, did you hear about the crazy... Bubbs, get the fuck away from me. I gotta wipe my hands off. Did you hear about the crazy cocksucker in the jet pack over LAX? No.

Flying around 3,000 feet in a jet pack, yeah? I thought of you, because it sounds like you'd love to have a jet pack. LAX? No. Flying around 3,000 feet in a jet pack, yeah? I thought of you, because it sounds like you'd love to have a jet pack. 3,000 feet. That's pretty fucking high. Yeah, that's high on a jet pack. I think a couple of pilots told me. Did you see the car, Tucker?

Some guy just passed us in a jet pack. Tower? Yeah, I mean, he shouldn't be flying around. Definitely not flying around LAX. He could get sucked into the engine with something so easy. Here's a question for you. How much would someone that fucking uses those jetpacks and things, how much would they make a year?

What do you mean? How much would they? They've got to be making money doing it, right? I don't know. Get paid to fly a jetpack? Yeah. I don't think you get paid. I think it's a hobby.

You got it, man. I mean, did you see the cocksucker over in Dubai flying next to the A380? That's what I'm saying. He's got to be making some money. He makes money, probably, because he's got a sponsor on his... Have you seen it, Ricky? I don't know. Is he like a squirrel suit?

He's got a suit on with a wing on the back with a couple of jetpacks, and he's flying alongside a fucking Airbus 380. That'd be fucking cool. So he's up that high? Well, it's pretty high, yes. It's not like full altitude because they're flying all the way up. Would that freak you out if you were to do something like that? Here, put the video up.

Put the fucking video up. There. Okay, would you do something like that? Yes! Right now! No, I'd be up there. I'd go right up and knock on the windows. How'd he land? Does he have wheels on his knees? I don't know. I think he flies into a big net.

That's a good idea. That's how they retrieved the drones over and... I think that would freak you out, man. If you're looking over and you've got a big fucking jet like that next to you, it's like, okay, what about this? If there's a super tanker in the fucking harbor and you decide to go up and swim around the thing, would that freak you out?

Yes, I wouldn't do that because I could get sucked into it. Well, it'd be kind of like the same thing. No, it wouldn't. No, because you're in complete control. I mean, you don't want to get ahead of it. You get ahead of it, you're done. You're getting sucked in that big fucking frat and Whitney and you're going out the back like spaghetti noodles. Yeah, that would suck, man. You're done. You're like, you're fucking... Oh, if you get sucked into the engine of an A380, you're not going to make it. I hate that.

Does that happen a lot? Burns. No Ricky. Oh it can ingest a bird but I mean if you go into one with your whole fucking jet pack on with your wing and your helmet and you go into those fucking turbine blades they should have protection. Compressor fail, everything goes out the back

including you shredded into about six million pieces. They should have protection on those ends yeah like a cone like a cone thing you know what i'm saying it would interrupt the air flow you think they didn't think of this already do you know how much air that engine needs to suck in to create enough compression for jet power i bet you your grandmother would have that answer for us if she was still alive. What's that supposed to mean? Because I heard a lot of stories about her, man.

What, her suction power? Sucking Sally. My grandmother's name wasn't Sucking Sally. It was Sucking Sally. Yeah? How's that? Get the fucking Jesus, bubs. How's that drink taste?

So, why is there... Did you know this? There's two different places. Austria and Australia. Holy fuck, man. Who doesn't? Why are they so close? They're not even close. I looked on the World Ball, and they're actually really far apart.

So the two people sort of have the same idea to call their place that. And one guy's like, I want to put an L in mine. Well, people from Austria or something probably went down Australia with all the fucking... Austria's over. That's where Ernie's from, man. Arnold Schwarzenegger's from Austria. Yeah, so somebody else that's fucking famous and cool as hell. Who?

There's nobody cooler than Ernie from... Joseph... Austria. Cabrull. Who? I don't know. Who the fuck is Joseph Cabrull? He's a fucking...

Sound it out, Ricky. Use your words. J-O-S-E-F. Joseph. Joseph. Okay. What's the second one I think

I can't really read it I think it's K-O-E-B-E-R-L K-O what K-O-E K-O-E I think K-O

B-E-R-L Kohlberg Joseph anyway he fucking sat in a box of ice for two and a half hours. Broke his own record. He's more famous than Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's right up there. Bullfuck.

He's not, man. Doesn't even come close. He's not even in the same realm. He sat in a fucking ice bucket. Well, let's see fucking Schwarzenegger sit in a box of ice for two and a half hours. What do you mean he sat in a box of ice? two and a half hours. What do you mean he sat in a box of ice? It's what he did. How big is the box?

He had the world record, and then he broke his world record. His world record was like two hours and a bit less. How big is the box? It's big enough to fit him in a shit cock of ice. Just like, so his whole body's in ice? Oh, fuck yeah. It's bigger than this table, man. You've seen their chilling.

Full body. But it's crushed ice and shit, right? It's not like an ice... It's ice fucking cubes. Okay. And he's up to his neck? Yeah. That's a guy that could run around naked in, you know, really cold conditions, right?

Did you ever see that guy? No, I wasn't Googling that. Like, no sneakers on, nothing, naked, running. Like in Russia. He's like... I never Googled naked man running around. That's just hard, man. Frolicking in the snow.

But Buddy can fucking do it. North Pole, running around. Hey, fuck off. It must be mind control. It has everything to do with it, man. Maybe he can hibernate or I don't know. That's pretty cool. It's like what those monks and shit do, right?

If I did it for two and a half hours, I don't think I'd be in very good shape. Ricky, we couldn't. None of us could do it for five minutes. No, man. I'd have hydrothermia. You would have hydrothermia. Didn't that fucking guy that, his last name's Blaine. Didn't he fucking sit in ice for like two hours or something?

David Blaine? David Blaine flew himself up to the sky on balloons the other day. What? Yeah. He got on a lawn chair with a bunch of helium balloons, and he flew up to like 30,000, 40,000 feet, and then parachuted back down. 40,000 fucking feet. It was something like that, 25,000. He went way up there anyway, and then he parachuted back down. 40,000 fucking feet. It was something like that. 25,000. He went

way up there anyway and then he parachuted back down. But you should see him going up with all the big colorful balloons and he waves. Okay, that's nothing. That's not a big deal then. It's a pretty big deal to take helium balloons in a lawn chair up to 25,000, 30,000 feet and parachute back down. I did. I didn't have a parachute. I was fucked. I don't think I went that high, but I was up there pretty good. Ricky, you were only about 20 feet up. No, everything looked like little dots.

I was pretty high up. And I just started popping balloons one at a time and, like, came back down and landed on the service station. That never happened. I was on, like, 25 feet tops. Maybe I dreamt that. You were never up that high, Ricky. I remember when we strapped the balloons to your lawn chair and we got you off the ground. I just remember I kept on going, uh-oh, this is bad.

Keep getting higher. No, you started screaming like you were up really high. Wasn't he smoking the ball? I remember someone saying, just pop the balloons. And I was like, what? I can't hear you. Because it was so high. They said, don't pop the balloons.

Pop the balloons. And I was like, oh, yeah. So then I had nothing to pop them with. And I found my lighter. I was just like, whoosh, pop. Whoosh, pop. And it started coming down. And I landed somewhere cool.

Well, I must not have been there for that. You know what? It probably didn't happen. But I'm going to say it did. I'm not sure if it happened or not. Did we say, did we start the park after dark? No, we did not. Oh, man.

If we did, I was asleep. Should we even bother saying welcome to park after dark at this point? No. You just kind of did it. You just did it. Welcome to the near end of Park After Dark. Welcome to the end of Park After Dark.

We'll be taking a nap in about five minutes, so stay tuned. I'm not. I'm going to finish this anvil. You know how I love those goddamn, those tennis racket bug zappers? They're fucking fun. They're good, man.

Yes. I hate them. Now I'm rethinking it, because this cocksucker who was 80 years old blew up his kitchen with one. No, he fucking didn't. Yeah, he had a little gas leak and he didn't know, so he saw this fly, he's like, I'm gonna get you fly, and as soon as he pressed the button,

boom! Whoa! The whole fucking kitchen blew up. Yeah. So you know what we've gotta do? We gotta go and fucking get as many of these as we possibly can, because you know they're gonna fucking take them off the market.

But- I can't imagine life without one. That fucking guy, is he dead? He lived. Well, he fucked up the whole- But his- Zapper rack- His house is fucked.

Roof was gone, it was bad. Yeah, he fucked up the whole Zapper market, didn't he? He fucked it up. So we should be buying, like, tons of them. You should fix this up. We should sell it. Get a couple hundred bucks, maybe. Buy Zapper rockets.

A couple hundred bucks? Someone on Amazon. I think I inhaled too much rust. What? I think I might have inhaled too much rust because I what? I think I might have inhaled too much rust because I'm not thinking clear. What's it doing to you? I don't know.

I'm all fucked up, I think. Maybe I should try some. Give him some. Hits him his way. You probably shouldn't do that, Ricky. Doesn't taste very good. You okay? No, I'm just not thinking clear from the rust.

Yeah, I got nothing off that. Here, put this in your mouth. I'm not putting that. Just put it like, no, a couple inches in your mouth. Oh, it's got a hole in the end of it. Look, it's got a piss hole. Wow. Wow. That's a weird thing for your uncle to have put on that shaped part of the anvil.

Oh, I think it was a cone of steel. He would have had to need something to run it on the lathe, Ricky. That's where the lathe would have been in it. The what? He lathe'd that. He put that on a lathe. Oh, a lathe. Wow, bubs. A lathe. Do you know what a lathe is, Ricky?

Should I? Most people on the planet would, but maybe you wouldn't. What's a lathe? The thing, the turn, remember I built one and it turns things really fast and you can, remember I made spindles for fucking, what's your name, stairs that time,

and they got all, they were all crooked because my lathe was fucked up? No. I saw something pretty gross and maybe they'll show a picture of it because you have to see it to fucking realize how gross it was, but these doctors, they removed a 15 pound ball of hair from this teenager's stomach because she's always chewing her hair

no way they thought it was a cancer tumor so they went into operating when they pulled it was like this tube of hair like this big it was disgusting she was accidentally Swallowing it She didn't realize After 15 pounds You know how fucking Girls chewing on hair Yeah but I don't believe that one man Look at the fucking picture She had it been

Fucking chewing on Other people's hair too man She's not A cat I don't know No but think about it You get one down Like a

What does she have Long hair You get one caught In your throat You'd be like Trying to get the Fuck on a, what, does she have long hair? You get one caught in your throat, you'd be like, trying to get the fuck out of her. No kidding, but 15 fucking pounds of hair.

I'm sure it was over time. She didn't eat 15 pounds in one meal. Don't believe it, man. That sounds fucked, Ricky. There's a picture of this fucking hair tube coming out of what looks like a bloody stomach. And it's about this fucking big. It's gross. Anyway, the morale of that story, do not eat your hair.

No, very good. And don't fucking believe everything you fucking read, man. This was on a pretty reputable place. Here's what happened. She fucking emptied out the hoover, got the big thing of hair, gutted some fucking peg or something, she rammed it into some tube,

got a close-up and took it out and went, fucking hair. This is it. Why would somebody do that now? Yeah. That's what you said. There was pictures of it

coming out of some tubes or something, right? Coming out of a fucking stomach. Yeah. Bob, would you said. There was pictures of it coming out of some tubes or something, right? Coming out of a fucking stomach. Yeah. Bob, would you fuck off with that thing? That sounds kind of annoying. Oh, we were talking about COVIDiots. You hear about that goddamn forest rave over in New England? No.

They had a great big rave in the woods and the cops had to go break it up. There was all kinds of people there. No masks, nothing. Well, that's because people are fucking dumb. There's going to be another wave. We're going to be back in the woods before we know it. Now that fucking cocksucking schools are open and... Oh, speaking of masks, Julian, I noticed there's some masks for sale that have my face on them and other things.

And I don't recall anybody asking. We took that picture a few weeks ago. Looks like my shirt. What's that all about? I took some pictures. That's pretty clearly my mask. You would think somebody would ask me and maybe I would get, I'm sure there's money being made off those. You know what?

It's a pretty good idea, whoever came up with the idea. Oh, you're not the one doing it. You're the one who wrote it. No. Trailerparkboysmerch.com, which is the website you registered, is selling them, but you don't know anything about it. That one that has that perfect Julian goatee on it that you can wear. I didn't see that one. Green bastard. This one says GB like my green bastard suit.

Don't worry, you know what? I fucking called some people. They're gonna shut it down. Alright, sometime. I can just imagine. So if you do see ads, you might want to fucking buy one immediately, like in bulk, because it could get shut down any time now. Thanks, guys. You're so full of shit, Julian. Why?

I know you're making the money. It doesn't take fucking rocket appliances, eh, Ricky? I had a way to go to fucking ruin Christmas surprises. Oh. Nice, guys. Oh, yeah, I ruined Christmas, did I? You ruined Christmas for me. Ruined Christmas by calling you out on your grease.

I ruined Christmas. I wonder if that's what some people are doing. They're trying to make the fucking Rona stick around because they're making money off it. Hey, you know what? If they're doing a good fucking job, if that's the case. There's a new, I just saw, there's a new test approved. It's about the size of a credit card.

Yep. And it gives you results in 15 minutes. They're going to be shipping the thing soon. What does it do? How do you do it? Do you got to lick it? I don't know. It didn't say, but it said it's the size of a credit card

and it's not painful. Good. So I don't know if you spit on it or piss on it or ram it up your arse. I don't know. It didn't say, but it said it's the size of a credit card and it's not painful. So I don't know if you spit on it or piss on it or ram it up your arse. I don't know, but 15 minutes. That rectal test was painful. As if they're saying you've got to stick it up your ass. People would do it. What rectal test, Ricky? They made me get tested so I could be around Mo. And they did what? There's no rectal test.

That's what I had. It's a throat test, man. The doctor said it was the least painful and the easiest, most accurate way. I don't know what he did exactly. Where was this doctor at? A little day clinic down on Main Street. And you went in and they stuck something up your arse

and said it was for COVID. Yeah. Ricky. Well, they jammed it in and they stuck something up your arse and said it was for COVID. Yeah. Ricky. Well, they jammed it in and then it came out and they jammed it in again and it came out. And then he said, you're good. Did you notice any cameras in the room? No.

Why would there be cameras at the doctor's office, Julian? Ricky, there's no doctor's office on Main Street that I'm aware of. It says something clinic. Yeah. I forget what the clinic is, but anyway. And they put it in your multiple times. I said, do you guys test for corona? And they said, yeah, we could do that if you want. We don't normally do it, but we will.

Because the other place was going to be a week, and I wanted to take Mo to the mall to get him some back-to-school shit. I think he was at the sex shop. He was at some kind of like a casting coach kind of porn thing. That's where he was at. You're going to be on Pornhub now, probably. Some dude ramming his fingers up fucking your ass. Ricky, I...

I just went and had a simple test. For COVID. No, man. It goes down the fucking nose and shit. I don't think you got tested for COVID, Ricky. I think you got... Ass fucked. By some dude's fingers. I hope not.

Who's saying he's a doctor. Well, I trust... Maybe I'm a little too trusting. Well... But he did have results pretty quick. So what did he say? He said I was clean. Good. How long did it take for him to find out?

It was pretty quick. Less than ten minutes. Ten fucking minutes! You got Asping for ten fucking minutes! Most of those tests are days till you get results. Days? Yep. Anyway, I highly recommend this clinic. How did it feel?

Were you making noises when you were getting passing? It was a bit intrusive. They don't put anything in you for ten minutes. Ten fucking minutes. Not the whole time. It's, you know, sometimes it might be in, sometimes it might be out. Anyway. Yeah, anyway.

We probably should go down and have a look at the clinic. It's probably not even there anymore. No, I'd say it's not there. It's probably one of those fly-by-night clinics. Yep. Fly-by-night away from here. Um, this is something we should look into Because these things were worth a lot of money

And no one knew Okay Gooseneck barnacles That's a thing What? Yeah They're a delicacy in Spain and in Portugal Gooseneck barnacles

What the fuck is a gooseneck barnacle? This family was walking somewhere in England, and on the beach, the tide went out, there was this great big giant piece of driftwood, and it had these fucking weird little things. The whole thing's covered in them. It was like thousands of the fucking things. And just, it's like a little thing opens,

and this little thing comes out and goes, , goes back inside. They're kind of cool. Anyway, family didn't think much of it, took some pictures, meow, meow. Just back inside. They're kind of cool. Anyway, family didn't think much of it. Took some pictures and video. Left. Found that the fucking thing was worth 25 pounds each.

So that little log was worth about 50,000 pounds. And it would just wash straight back out to sea. So we got to find some of these fucking things. Fuck. Maybe we can farm them. They don't have them around here, though, do they? We have an ocean. That just got my anvil excited.

I'm pretty sure it's the same ocean, isn't it? Yeah, but... It's far away, Ricky. Yeah, man. But it could. Things have floated from Spain over here before. We might have them and people don't even know is my point. Like those fucking sea urchins.

Would you know what they look like if you saw one? I sure fucking would. Well, let's go down to the beach looking for these things. All right, okay. No, I think we gotta go deep. Now, speaking of deep, we're gonna go down to this fucking place

that you, this little clinic you went to. We're gonna go talk to that guy first. You guys wanna get tested? Then we're gonna go find gooseneck burnicles. I'm not gonna get tested that way. No, we're gonna fucking talk to this guy. Alright. Rip his fucking office apart.

I might have to have a nap first. He's got a fucking camera in his office. Shit's going down. Gooseneck Barnacles. God, we gotta find some of those, man. 25 pounds each? What's the time of it? That's like 50 bucks each.

How big are they? They're tiny. Oh, fuck. Yeah, we can make... We can make $100,000 off an old piece of driftwood. Yeah. Let's do it. Bring your anvil. No, I'm not bringing the anvil.

Bring the anvil. I'm not bringing the anvil. The anvil stays put.