Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 161 - Makin' Bacon

Episode Date: September 17, 2018

It's a gourmet edition of the podcast this week! The Boys discuss dog treats, Kraft Dinner cheese, bacon sex and pig penises. Also: when Julian was as cool as The Fonz, and an update on Ricky's last date! Episode 161 is brought to you by the official Trailer Park Boys Store, SwearNet.com (the only place to watch the video of this podcash), Liquormen's Ol' Dirty Canadian Whisky, and the Boys' own Freedom 35 lager!

Welcome to the Trailer Perk Boys podcast, brought to you in perkboysswearingit.com, the only place where you can see the video version of this podcast. Nice one. And go to trailerperkboysmerch.com and check out some merch, buy some stuff, please. They sponsor us too. What about the beer and the liquor? I was just getting to that, Richard. Also sponsored by Freedom 35, Drink the Dream, and Leckerman's all-dirty Canadian whiskey.

And a new beer is born. Try my new Ricky's Catch-23 malt liquor. It's stronger than you are. Slicking my hair back with butter grease. That's not good for you, man. Grease is not good for the fucking scalp. Butter grease is great for your hair. It's not great for your fucking hair. Butter grease. It's one of the best things you can put in your hair.

What in the fuck was that? I've used margarine. I don't know if I've ever used butter. Oh, don't put margarine in your beer. See, margarine is definitely not good for you, man. No, you can't put margarine in your beer. It's got chemicals in it. Your body doesn't know what to do with those fucking chemicals, so it fucks you out. No. The same thing with, like, you know... I don't think. I think it's good for you.

It's not good for you, man. The chemicals. The bisyl is not bad. Basil? Yeah. Basil. Basil. Margarine. Same thing. It's the same thing as...

Margarine is not good for you, Ricky. It's pretty much butter. Okay, listen, boys. Here we go. Ready? Three, two, one. Oh, yeah. That's a good sound. All right, you want to get this going?

I want to drink the fuck out of this beer. Take a drink, and I'll eat this fucking popcorn, and I'll get her going. Okay, get her going, bud. Here I go. Get ready. What's up, fuckers? This is the official Trailer Park Boys podcast

coming at you right now. Episode number 161. It is September 14th. How was that? That was fucking better than usual, I have to say. Usually you fuck something up, but you forget the number or the day. I feel good today, boys. Why?

Because I've accepted the fact that summer's gone, and I've got to fucking try to get back to work, make some money for the winter. Summer's not gone. I thought summer wasn't over for another week or something. Well, it's, you know, September 14th, man. It's almost gone. I don't think so.

No? I think it's... I consider it summer right up to Halloween. Okay, so... That's a fucking good rule. Right? Halloween, boom, it's the fall. Cool.

It's cool. It's usually cool. That morning, it's the fall. All right, so it's almost the end of summer, and we've got to figure some shit out, man. September's still a gorgeous month. Lots of heat in September. Then it starts getting a little chillier.

Okay, good. Unless you live in the desert. Burp on you. Burp on you. What is that smell, man? It's like a fishy... I was sampling cat food. I got three new cat foods,

and I always have to... I taste them before I give them to the kitties. That's fucking disgusting, man. No, I have to know if they're good quality or not. Okay, what's better, cat food treats or dog food treats? Because I know you've had dog food treats. I wouldn't eat a fucking dog food treat if you paid me. You ate a dog food treat.

I ate kibbles and bits one time. There you go. Is it better than the fish stuff? No, I prefer the tuna snacks. Tuna snacks? Like, that's... What are the ones that are shaped like a bone? They're not very good.

Milk bones. Yeah, they're not great, even when you're wasted. I don't think there's much milk in them either. Ricky. I tried to melt one down. When were you eating mouth bones? It was a while ago. Way a few. Wasted and I smoked a joint, maybe give them munchies,

and there's nothing to eat except fucking dog treats in the house. Old ones. Old ones? Yep. smoke the joint, maybe give them munchies, and there's nothing to eat except fucking dog treats in the house. Old ones. Old ones? Yep. Yeah? I haven't had a dog for fucking years. Jesus, Ricky. You think with a good buzz on, they'd be all right.

I don't know why the fucking dog would like them. They love them fucking things. Well, because you don't have the taste buds of a dog, Ricky. You're not a fucking... They like all the same shit we do, pretty much. They like anything. They're fucking dogs. Dogs will eat anything. They don't know the difference, man. They'll eat a dirty

old fucking wiener that's on the ground full of dirt. They're eating it. Don't give a fuck. So what? Yeah, that's true. What about a fucking piece of watermelon that's sitting out with maggots and fucking flies all over would you eat that because a dog would if they were only in one part of it so you cut that part off just like moldy cheese you realize you're arguing with ricky right now

i'm whether or not he would eat what a dog eats and i have eaten moldy cheese once too on a pizza i thought when you baked it it would get rid of the taste no it didn't work i ate the thing but it was gross i think a lot of people eat the cheese just like chop off the mold don't they i do yeah you just shredded it all when you're using yeah it wasn't good there wasn't really enough to cut off there was so much mold that if i cut it all off there wouldn't have been much cheese left so do you still drill holes in your cheese with the drill to make it look like the fancy cheese? If I'm having the date over.

Do you know he does that? I didn't know he did that, man. You buy the cheap mozzarella cheese and you fucking drill holes in it. It's fucking half the price. You drill holes in it and then set it out and say it was the fancy Swiss cheese. Yeah, it's like I put my own seasoning on crackers to make them look fancier. Like, oh fuck, what kind of crackers are those? Make up some word.

You know what's fucking cool, speaking about seasoning and shit? Kraft Dinner, you can buy the fucking... the jar of the fucking cheese. What? You can buy a fucking jar of Kraft Dinner cheese, man. It's the greatest thing ever. When did that start? Start it, man.

Costco bought it. Holy fuck. So what do you do with it? Oh, man. Well, when I make Kraft Dinner, I got to make two boxes, and then I dump one in and then half of the other one. You get two packages of cheese, right? Fucking, that's the only way.

You use two? Huh? You use two things of cheese in one box. Yeah, but one and a half. 1.5. Why? Because it makes it cheesier, man. It's better. Why don't they just make it that way? Now they've got a fucking jar of the shit.

But cheese and Kraft and it's powdered cheese. That's what I'm saying. A jar of the powder? Yes, that's what I'm saying, man. You can fucking put it on popcorn if you want it. Uh-oh. It's a game changer, man.

It's changed my life. Let's go. Can we go? We've got to keep filming. I put cheese slices in my Kraft dinner. Make it extra cheesy. That's a good idea, too. That's a good idea.

Just cheese slices. Melt them down. Fuck yeah. Well, yeah. I've never done that before i make the best craft dinner like on any eyes my trap dinner way too frank's hot sauce crumbled bacon you're making me hungry and horny horny oh you're talking about bacon ricky Oh, you're talking about bacon.

Ricky, would bacon make you horny? I had something about that smell, though. Jesus. It makes you horny. You know who else used to get horny from smelling bacon? Phil Collins. Oh, yeah, man, that was weird. Maybe I got caught from him.

I don't know. It was a really sexual thing doing bacon. Phil Collins used to get hurt as a rock if there was bacon cooking. I remember laying in bed. I'd smell Lucy cooking bacon, and I was just like, Lucy, get the fuck in here. All right, do you think Phil Collins ever kind of, like, wrapped one around? His wiener?

Yeah, and... Oh, of course he did. Of course he did. He was sexually active with bacon. That just ruined bacon for... Believe me. I bet you he put a whole pack down his pants before and just walked around. God.

Jacob's mom, I wonder if they used to get into some, like, kinky stuff with bacon on her, you know. I guarantee you they did. Bacon down there. R.I.P. Phil Collins, but, man, you were fucked. I never really thought about that until they probably had, like, bacon sex, man. Who?

Mrs. Collins and Randy? Well, what do you think... When Phil used to say, I'm going home, gonna be making bacon later, what do you think he was talking about? He didn't mean cooking it. He meant making bacon. How's that making bacon?

That doesn't even make sense. Because he was very, you know... You know what Phil was like. Yeah, but that is an expression. It's been on shirts. Yeah, they make T-shirts. Yeah, and what's on the shirt? Two pigs banging.

Two pigs talking. That's what he was referencing that. He'd wink and say, I'm going to be making bacon tonight. And he'd wink. That's what he was talking about. But how is that making bacon? Two pigs banging. Where do you think bacon comes from, Ricky?

Pigs. So they're making a baby pig. Making bacon. Doing it. Because the baby's going to grow up, and then it's going to be slaughtered and fucking gutted. You don't got to say that. Chop it up and sell it to people. Fucking pig. How come they don't eat baby pigs? They do, probably.

Wonder what they taste like. I saw a picture, Peglet from Winnie the Pooh. I saw him hanging up on a hawk split down the middle. Buffs. I'm just joking. Well, they eat little sheep. Peglet wasn't even real. They eat little sheep, yeah.

I mean, I'm not into eating baby animals, but if I was on an island and I had to, I'd fucking eat a baby pig in a sec. Oh, you're fucking right I would on an island. First, I'd let them grow. I'd have to be basically starving. There's probably no money in it. There's an island in the Bahamas, out in the middle of fucking nowhere, a deserted island. Apparently you drive up to it in a boat,

wild pigs come running out of the woods. Yeah, Pig Island. I don't think it's called Pig Island. Maybe. It should be. No, it's called Pig Island. Maybe. It should be. No, it's called Exuma or something like that. That might mean pig. So there was a shipwreck.

They said there was a shipwreck in the 60s, and all these pigs were on the ship, and they made it to shore. And now they just live there. All right. So pigs are good swimmers. They swim. There's a tour you can take. I'm going to do it someday.

You can go swimming with the pigs, and apparently you just fire apples in the water and you're swimming around with the pigs. You're doing that Sunday? Yeah, they're fucking smart, man. Pigs are smart fucking animals. They'll fucking eat you. Let's do it.

You can go swimming with the pigs in the Bahamas. I told you. You can swim with the little motherfuckers. That's on my bucket list. No, but they're not little. Some of the cocksuckers are 400 or 500 pounds. Jesus Christ. You know those big-ass pigs that are this long?

Yeah, the ones that eat pig people. Ricky, you were right, man. There's such a thing as Pig Island. I thought I heard of it. This is it. Wasn't your mother from there? These little fuckers. Pig Island, yeah.

And you know what? You can give them, people give them liquor. People give them beer. That is fucked. I don't think you should, because the pig could... But see, that's, people have got them fucked over. Now the pigs swim out to me because they think you're going to give them... They're fucking addicted to beer and shit.

Yeah, a lot. But they have the life. Imagine pigs up here, living on the farm in the fucking cold and the fucking rain and snow. These cocksuckers are laying on the beach in the Bahamas. As long as they don't come across any fucking horse or pig. That's probably one of the best shipwrecks in history story. All those pigs spared and living the fucking life. Living the life.

What did you say? As long as what? You don't get those creepy, weird fuckers that just go to this island just to bang some pigs. Because there's people out there that do that, man. Pig bangers. What the fuck are you talking about? Beastiality, man.

Where? People from fucking different countries and shit, man. Pig bangers? Yes, there's people out there that bang pigs. Maybe that's part of the tour. You can pay extra. Hey, listen, bud, if I slid you an extra hundred, do you think you could set me up on a date with one of them?

You know what? If I made a million bucks a year being like a pig pimp, I would do it in a second. A pig pimp? I'd be gone, yeah. You'd be pimp. You would not be pimping out pigs. I wouldn't let you.

I would move to the Bahamas in a second. How big is a pig cock? I was making a million bucks a year. Pig cocks are curly. They're curly like a pigtail. That'd be weird. They got like corkscrew wieners. I'm not joking.

Google pig cock. Oh, man. They got corkscrew cocks? Their cocks are shaped like corkscrews. All right, OK. I'll do this because you really want to know and see one. Just don't type in pig by accident. Okay, so pig penis?

Pig penis, sure. Go to images, and I bet you'll see the curly corkscrew wieners. Wow, I can't fucking believe they're doing this. Pig penis. Jesus Christ. I told you. What, they got pig penises on a stick? They eat the fucking things.

Oh, see, I didn't know that. What the fuck? All right, okay. Image number one. Where do they eat them? Just, I'm getting to it. What the fuck? Give me the picture of the fucking pig penis.

Jesus Christ, man. Are they curly? Yeah, they're curly, but just a second. Show them to Ricky. I don't know if I want to see this. All right, just a second. I gotta zoom this one in. Donnie used to fucking have pictures of big... What the fuck? It looks like

a... You know when you want to build a fence? Fucking put a post in, drill it. Open a bottle of wine. What the fuck? How does that work? He just gets her going. He gets his hips going, and it just kind of... Does he straighten out once he gets some blood? I don't know.

I've never seen one hard, Ricky. I just remember seeing a picture of it. Google hard. Just a second. There's something else I've got to see here. There's another one. You've got to see the pig penis on a stick, man. How did we get into this fucking topic? Oh, fuck. What is that? Pig penis is on a stick, man. How did we get into this fucking topic?

Oh, fuck. What is that? Pig penises on a stick, man. Oh, come on. They eat the motherfuckers. Who does? Jesus Christ. Don't know, man.

Are they curly on the stick? They curl right around the stick. Is it one penis per stick? That's a, I guess. I don't fucking know. It looks like there's one penis there. Wow, pig penises are fucked. Yeah. Go on the thing and find out where they eat those. Jesus, Murphy.

Are you going to go there? No, but I just need to know. Like, is it a family of four? You want ice cream, kids? No, we want pig cobs. They're in a skewer. They might be great. China.

Of course. They're eating pig penises in China. They eat everything there, don't they? They eat dogs. They eat cats eating pig penises in China. They eat everything there, don't they? They eat dogs. They eat cats. Pig penises. Hog suckers. Wow.

Okay, I don't mean you've got to look at every picture on the internet. Well, you've got... Holy fuck. What happened to this dude? Jesus Christ. What is it? Oh, that's not a pig. I was going to say, he definitely doesn't have a fucking corkscrew. What is it? Oh that's not a pig. I was gonna say, he definitely doesn't have a fucking corkscrew collar. What is it? I don't know man, it's one of those

pig kind of... What the fuck is that thing? I don't know what that is. I have the same pig penis but that's not a pig. Alright, is there anything else we could talk about I wonder? Yeah, it's gonna be hard to wrestle that computer out of Julian's head. Fuck off. He seems awfully interested. Who told me to fucking look up pig penis? Well, just because I wanted to prove I was right, not I wanted you to masturbate to it. Who's...

Yeah. Because I'm masturbating to pig penises. Fuck. You will be. Anybody excited to get pornt today? Probably not. Maurice Vachon. Professional wrestler. Did you know him, bubs?

Maurice Vachon, yeah. Vachon Cakes. He had nothing to do with Vachon Cakes, did he? He was Rogi Vachon's uncle. Sam Neill. New Zealand actor. Yeah, he's a great actor. He's born in Ireland, so he's not really New Zealand. Yeah, he's a great actor. He's born in Ireland, so he's not really New Zealand. Yeah, he's Irish, man.

He's good. What does that mean? Is Ireland in New Zealand now? Maybe it's a movie called New Zealand or he lives there. He was born in... He's Irish. You know Sam Neill, the guy in Jurassic Park. Yeah, I know who the guy is.

Untouchables, man. He was in Dead Calm, too. Untouchables, he's a fucking good actor. Good fucking actor. Very good. Wasn't he in that show on Netflix and Chill? Huh? I thought he was on some Netflix and Chill show.

Guess it was a different... Netflix and Chill means banging, Ricky. Oh, does it? That's what it means. Has a girl ever asked you if you wanted to Netflix and chill? Yeah. And you thought she just wanted to watch Netflix? Yeah, yeah.

No, she wanted to bang. That's code for banging. I can't keep up with all these new fucking expressions and everything. You've got to go down the internet and read shit, man. You've got to fucking keep on top of things. You do. You've got to go down the internet and read shit, man. You've got to fucking keep on top of things. You do. You've got to get current, Ricky. You can't be walking around going, lol, lol.

He was doing that. They need a book about that, like how to get current for the dumb. Well, not that I'm dumb, but for, you know. Why don't you start writing a book on it, and then as you're writing it, you'll be learning how to keep fucking current. Make sense? And when you see those, when I send you a message and it says,

LOL, it's not law, it's not arm for good, when I say OMFG, you gotta learn what those are. Yeah, that's some weird ones. OMFG, you still don't know what that means, do you? What is it? OMFG. OMFG, you still don't know what that means, do you? What is it? OMFG.

Oh, man. No. It means oh my fucking God, Ricky, but I don't want to type it out so you shorten it. So is that how you start talking now? Instead of me saying oh my fucking God, say OMFG? No, it's just...

It's fucking dumb. It's a text. It's a text message. Text it, man. I don't like to text. Just fucking call me. It's fucking stupid. I tried a text message. Text it, man. I don't like to text. Just fucking call me. It's fucking stupid. I tried to tell him what LOL meant, and he was walking around going, LOL, LOL.

I don't use LOL. LOL is fucking stupid in its lane. I don't use it either. Don't use LOL, man. Here I am laughing out loud. I thought it was a type of doll. What? Isn't an LOL doll?

LOL doll. See, I don't even know what he's talking about. I can't even. A LOL doll? LOL doll? See, I don't even know what he's talking about. I can't even... A LOL doll? I don't fucking know. I just hate it. I hate the world. You hate the world?

Just what it's turned into. It's fucked. What don't you like about the world, Ricky? It's too complicated now. But it's really not. It's pretty fucked up, man. Nobody talks on the phone anymore. It's all these fucking texts.

You make a good... You just don't like computers, then. Because they're fucking smarter than all of us. There's going to be a Terminator Takeover the World Day coming. I guarantee it. Well, you're not too far off on that. I'm a little bit scared of that, too, because AI is getting fucking out of hand. Fred Smith.

You know him? Yes. Sonic. You think Sonic? Yeah. He was Sonic the Hedgehog's grandfather. I know. He believes in man.

Steve Gaines. Steve Gaines. Steve Gaines. Yeah, Leonard Skinner. Dead now. You know, he died long ago, Ricky. He was one of the guys that died in the thing. What was the thing? The Leonard Skinner fellas died in a plane crash.

That's right, Yeah, fuck. He was one of those fellas. Fucking plane crashes fuck over a lot of people. It's, Ricky, it's safer to fly on a plane than it is to walk down the fucking street. Unless it crashes. Unless it crashes, but statistically I'm talking. Do you know what the fucking, do you know what the accident rate is per... I think it's per million miles traveled,

what the percentage is of people that die? Yeah, I know exactly what that is. No, I don't have a fucking clue. What is it? The highest fatality rate? Motorcycles. Well, I make sense. Yeah, no shit. You get people on the cross rockets fucking flying around being dicks. That's what a lot of the places down in the States didn't even have to wear a helmet. Per million miles traveled, I think motorcycles kill 237 people for every million miles traveled.

Airplanes, commercial airplanes, it's.02%. Is that good? 0.02%. Is that good? Would you rather have a 0.02% chance of dying or a 237% chance of dying? It's a fucking tough one because a motorcycle's a lot more fun.

But, Bubbs, you know what? All these numbers and stats are good, but if you're on a plane and you see both engines fucking on fire and you're going down, it doesn't mean shit. You're fucked. No, I agree. I'm not saying you can't die on one.

I saw a couple people die on motorcycles. It sucks. It's awful, man. When? A long time ago. It was bad. I don't remember you ever telling me that story, Ricky. Yeah, I'd tell them again right now, but they're pretty gross.

Well, let's not get into it, okay? It's supposed to be a happy time right now. I think motorcycles are fucking stupid, and I'll say it out loud. Don't give a fuck. Well, the people that ride them and don't wear helmets, I mean, they're basically organ donors. Yeah. Hey.

Fucking crazy. I'm going to throw this out there. The Fonz, you didn't have a problem. He wiped out when he jumped, but you know. Oh, here's a, I'll give you a fucking news flash. What? It was a fucking TV show. Let's do it.

The Fonz wasn't actually riding around. Yeah, but it was based on somebody like the Fonz, I guarantee you. You think Henry Winkler was actually doing those fucking jumps on that shitty old fucking motorbike? I know. It was probably a stuntman, Bob. What kind of bike did Fonzie have? An old Harley? An old Harley, maybe.

Fuck, he was cool, though. He was fucking cool. He's okay. Who, Fonzie? Who was cooler than the Fonz back then? I don't know. Nobody. I'm telling you, you had Steve McQueen, cool as fuck, right?

You had Marilyn Brando, cool as fuck. You didn't see those guys every week, though. Fonzie was there every week, cooling it up. Turning on fucking jukeboxes, snapping fingers. How many people try to fucking turn on a jukebox by hitting it? I know I did. I've tried it. It never worked.

I know I've tried it. I've tried it, and it did work a couple times. You were able to do it, were you? A couple times, man. There were some people there watching me do it. Who? Sarah was there. Let's call Sarah right now and say,

did you ever see Julian turn on a jukebox like Fonzie by adding it? I did. Cyrus used to walk in and hit the jukebox all the time. Remember the place Wheatley's, the roller skate place? Yeah. We all used to go there, okay, everybody roller skate back in the day. There was a jukebox, I fucking went over, hit it, it went on. Oh, yeah, because you put a quarter, you laid it right in the slot.

When you hit it, you knocked it in. I didn't do that. I thought you set that up. I didn't do that. You had a quarter laying in the thing, and you just knocked it in. And then like, holy, look at that. I'm in the fuzz. Whatever happened to your snakeskin roller skates?

They were fucking cool. Sold them, man. The only guy from fucking town that had snakeskins. Whatever happened to your Fonzie jacket? I had spurs Sold them, man. The only guy from fucking town that had snakeskins. Whatever happened to your Fonzie jacket? I had spurs on them, too. You forgot about the spurs. That's some badass fucking roller skates, man. I know it sounds fucked up right now, but back then, they were cool.

You had snakeskin fucking boots. What are you talking about? I had boots, but no roller skates. You had spurs on your roller skates? I had them on there for one or two nights that I was down there. Is that how you used to do that move where you'd lean right back and go down the thing? Spurs, right.

I could fucking roller skate, man. I never knew how you did that trick. Spurs, bud. With the sparks coming off. You were kind of like a Fonzie-Jachi hybrid. You were kind of like a Fonzie-Jocci hybrid. You were kind of like a... You had the thing tied around your leg and the Fonzie jacket.

You were kind of like a Fonzie-Liberace hybrid. Liberace, come on. Fuck you. Liberace. All right, what else do we got here? Oh, fuck, Amy Winehouse got bored on this day. Oh, decent. That was fucked up, eh? Amy Winehouse got born on this day. Oh, decent. That was fucked up, eh?

Amy Winehouse was wacky. Adam Lamberg. Amy Winehouse was born in 1983. That's a shame that she died. Seven years ago. Fuck, that doesn't sound like, it seems like it was, like, fucking two years ago. Seven. She was fucking awesome.

She got her going on it. Try to make me go to rehab. No, no, no. See, you know the problem with her? She couldn't fucking pace herself. I think she had some demons. She had some fucking demons. She had some demons that she was trying to escape.

All right, who else is here? She had some fucking demons. She had some demons that she was trying to escape. Alright, who else is here? Adam Lambert. The fuck's that? Here boys, I had a funny thing to tell ya that I saw. Good, cause you know what? I don't have a lot today. Where is it here? Doopie doo. Just talk amongst yourselves while Bubbles does his thing.

Yeah, I got something here too, Bubbs. I was going to ask you your fucking opinion on this. Why? Okay, say you were living down in... Where the fuck is this anyway? Just a second here. I think it's Argentina. Yeah, Portugal.

Here we go. This thing here. Rate that for an accommodation scale of 1 to 10, if you had to live in that. 10 being good. It's pretty fucking nice. It looks pretty roomy. I'd give that a 7, I mean, without seeing the interior.

All right, there's not much of it. It's like if chickens live in there, too. Okay, they didn't tell me that. I wouldn't live in a fucking tent. All right, I'd give it a 2. It's like if chickens live in there, too. Okay, you didn't tell me that. I wouldn't live in a fucking pen. All right, okay. They had dirty-ass chickens. These fucking parents, they had a daughter, right? They had two sons but a daughter, and they thought she was fucked,

so they threw her into this chicken pen, and that's where she lived for nine years. That probably would have been more fucked. Not talking to humans, just hanging out with chickens, man. So she turned into a chicken girl. She turned into a Chicken Girl, man. She was eating grains and cabbage and all that shit. Did she eat the chickens?

No, she was friends with the... The chicken was like her brothers and sisters. She was like a chicken talker or a chicken whisperer. She was like a Chicken Girl. What happened to the parents? Did they put them a fucking... Okay, eventually... Everybody knew this in this fucking little village, those stupid fucks, and nobody said anything. chicken girl what happened to the parents did they put them a fucking okay eventually everybody

knew this in this fucking little village the stupid fucks and nobody said anything until the aunt came in is like i'm taking her out of this chicken coop did that the courts got all fucking pissed off they put her in these other homes are worse on the chicken coop so then she brought her back to the chicken coop so she went back she's back i back, I think. Well, the chickens probably missed her. The chickens probably did miss her, and she probably did miss the chickens.

It doesn't mean you gotta live with the fucking things, Ricky. It's hard to leave animals. You can live in the house, though, and still see the chickens. You know what?

It's even more shocking. There's reports that this poor girl, her name was Maria Isabel, mimicked chicken behavior. Of course she did. She took, like, small steps like a chicken,

constantly moved her arms, you know, like she had wings. She was pretty fucked up. Chicken girl. She only cackled like a chicken. That's terrible. Yeah. I mean, if you're raised by chickens,

then yes, you're going to turn into a fucking chicken. It's pretty basic math. I wonder if chickens are good parents. No, they're not, Ricky, of course not. They don't know anything about parenting. Look at this poor kid. She looks like a little chicken. She kind of looks like a chicken.

She's like a person down like a little chicken. You will eventually turn into a chicken. Isabella, Maria, hopefully you get your shit together and someone helps you out. Yes. That's fucking horrible. That is awful. Those parents should be fucking put in jail. Should you out. Yes. That's fucking horrible. That is awful. Those parents should be fucking put in jail.

They should be shot. I didn't read the report. I mean, I know just from living, you know, when I've got 70 or 80 cats at one time, I start doing cat things. I've cleaned my hair, like licking my head and doing that. Okay, despite not speaking and cackling like a chicken, she is very intelligent, they say, so...

I'm sure she is. She's gonna turn around, man. She's gonna turn this into a fucking movie. Maybe she'll become a veterinarian. You know what, we should go down and talk to her, get her on board, fucking shoot a film of the chicken woman, chicken girl, and make some money, man.

The whole fucking... Oh, let's exploit chicken girl. Well, give her some money, help her out, man, you know, pay for her school, whatever. My God, you're like Dan Aykroyd on the salesman. She should be the new Colonel Sanders. Hmm? She could be the new Colonel Sanders.

Get a new career. She wouldn't want to do that, Ricky. Chickens would probably be pissed off. Do you think? Good way to suck the chickens in though they'd be like oh fuck look at this yeah we trust her we trust her oh we're going in a pot what's this a swimming pool line it up this must be a swimming pool a bubble and oil pool hot springs there's some money to be made here how much does it cost to fucking go to

portugal it's probably not that expensive. It'd be good for her. Okay, we'll work on that anyway. What do you got, bubs? This guy in Mexico, he stole a hearse. Fucking body inside it. Oh, that would suck. Especially if it was really hot. Hot as in what you'd want to take a look at it?

No, not the body. Hot inside. You'd start smelling. Well, I mean, if it's in a hearse, it wouldn't be smelling that as it would, maybe, with all the guts and stuff. I don't think we've ever fucked up that bad. I don't think we've ever fucked, no, man. Look at this. This was caught off the coast of Maine.

Look at that lobster. They're calling him Ghost Lobster. Oh, that is fucked. He's White Lobster. Nice boy. Translucent? Translucent. That means clear, Ricky Locke. What do they do with them? Eat them? I'm sure they...

I've fucking... Man, I've seen tons of lobsters like that. There's nothing fucking special about that guy. How'd you know when it was cooked? Because normally they turn red. I used to fucking poach these motherfuckers, man. You've seen translucent lobsters? Yes, I have. Well, guess what, dummy? Guess what he's worth?

What? A million dollars. No, he isn't. Are you fucking kidding me? They sold him for a million dollars. You never saw one of those. Yes, I did, man. Well, you threw away a million bucks.

Good job, bud. What a fucker, Julian. All three of our retirements right there. Yeah bucks. Good job, bud. What a fucker, Julian. All three of our retirements right there. Yeah, way to go, bud. Well, I found one or two in the past. I can find more. One or two in the past. What are we gonna do this weekend?

What do you wanna do? We're getting drunk every fucking weekend until Halloween. I'm guessing we're gonna get drunk. I need to try to meet somebody new. That last thing. What's going on with you? getting drunk every fucking weekend until Halloween. I'm guessing we're going to get drunk. I need to try to meet somebody new. What's going on with the girl thing? It did not go well. You suck at being a DJ teacher.

Well, Ricky, I never said it was easy. Three minutes. And she knew I was fucking full of shit and I haven't talked to her since. That's how long I lasted. Well, it's good that you found out now. DJ Donut Head is no more.

Ricky, if the chick's going over there because she thinks you're a fucking famous DJ guy, fuck her. The problem was she was too smart. She figured me out. She figured out that you weren't a world famous DJ. I need to try to date somebody that's not as smart as me Oh Ricky I don't think that's a good idea I mean If you find a girl

That you're a lot smarter than She's not gonna be Maybe she's not even functional Ricky She might not even be able to tie her shoes You know What are you trying to say You should find a girl that's smarter than you Maybe she's not even functional, Ricky. She might not even be able to tie her shoes. You know? What are you trying to say?

You should find a girl that's smarter than you, man. At least as smart. Well, no. Smarter. I grew smarter. You have to be honest all the time and everything. Well, fucking just... There's an idea. Just be fucking honest with her.

So you want to find a really low IQ girl so that you can outsmart her and lie to her. She doesn't have to be lower, but, you know, maybe similar. What about smart but gullible? It's not that I want to fucking, no, it's just stupid shit. Like a lot of women don't understand my need to smoke 20 joints a day or, you know, get drunk five to seven days a week. You'll find the right lady, Ricky, and just don't tell her. Just don't tell them you're fucking famous. A lot of them don't like it.

DJ or Ricky. I play video games. There's lots of chicks out there that get stoned, like, all day and drink all day and do drugs. There's lots of them out there. That Martha girl. You told that Martha girl you were a fighter pilot. Like, how did you think... Retired.

How did you think she wasn't going to find out? Retired. I didn't think she'd look into it. But she started asking you questions about the jet, and you didn't know anything about it. Well, I just told her I forgot. It didn't go over well. Ricky, if you fly a fighter jet over Iraq... I guess I should have known...

Which is what you told her. You were in combat. I should have known about logbooks and stuff, which I didn't. Were you there that day? She said, how many hours did you log? And he started talking about logs out in the woods. No, I wasn't there. Anyway, you guys want to go to the bar? Let's go to the fucking bar.

I'm starting to get a bit of a snap. You know what? We're going to help you Let's find a fucking chick for him, man Alright That's our mission We're starting to get a snap on, boys Put a snap on?

Oh, you're getting a snap on You said you're going to put a snap on to go to the bar What's a snap on? I don't know, man I just, let's get a snap on I'm getting a bit of a buzz on Okay, all right. All right, let's do it.

Out of here. Tune in next week when something awesome's gonna happen.