Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 17 - Dumb TV

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

On this week's Clusterf*ck After Dark: Sparks fly as Julian tries to take Ricky's TV! The Boys also wonder what happened to the McDonald's crew, and whether Julian would bang for cash and booze. Also: Don't cut off your penis to save the world!

Don't kick my fucking controller out! This is the furthest I've ever got! Does it look like I'm near the fucking... I don't know, I can't look over there, I can just sense ya. Why does he have a phone line hooked up to the TV? Smart TV. Fuck's sake, son. I hooked it up, smart TV.

What is it, why does Ricky need a smart TV? Well, cause it's smarter than he is. But you fucked up the clip, I can't get it out, man. I'm out of bullets. I'm sorry, can I just rip this fucking thing out or are you gonna be pissed off? Well you just pushed the tab. There's no tab. There's no fucking tab in this thing.

Well then you can just... Oh yeah, look. You distracted me. Well you distracted me. You cocksucker! Fuck! Don't break it. Well, it's going to happen. Do you have a fucking knife on you? What is wrong with your fucking brain?

Here, okay, fucking genius. Get that out. Ah. Pretty easy, huh? Real fucking easy. Yeah, don't fucking wreck it now, bubs. Rip it apart. It's coming out. Do you got a fucking knife?

No. I got some scissors. It's coming over. Do you got a fucking knife? No. I got some scissors. It's broken. Ricky? Rick! Mm-hmm? Wake up. I need some scissors. Just use your fucking muscles.

Yeah, I'll fucking use them all right. Julian's wrecking the TV. Fuck off! What? You don't even use this fucking TV. What's wrong, Ricky? Wake up. Why are you so tired? I'm not sleeping, man. What the fuck are you trying to do? I need to fucking something, man.

For what? I gotta get rid of this cable. Don't fuck with any cables, man. It's set up just the way I like it. Well, it's coming. I'm using them. Boring this TV for a bit. You're cutting the smart part out of your TV.

It's not gonna be a smart TV once you... It's gonna be a dumb TV now? It's just gonna be a dumb one. What the fuck do you need a grinder for? I'm gonna fucking grind the cable off this thing. Julian. What? Get a steak knife.? Get a steak knife. Show me a steak knife.

Just fucking leave it, man. We're doing the thing anyway. Well, I'm... It's the park after dark. I'm fucking busy. What the fuck is he doing for real? He's just trying to unplug a cable. Fuck you, cable.

Whoa. Jesus Christ, man. Okay, He's just trying to unplug a cable. Fuck you, cable. Whoa. Jesus Christ, man. Okay, that's got some power going to it. Well, it's plugged in, yeah. That's how it works. Well, you should have told me, bubs. I didn't think there was power in the fucking phone lines. Yes, there's fucking smart TV power lines.

Lucky I didn't fucking kill myself. I told you that. 110 going down there. The way I set it up. If you run 110 down the fucking ethernet, it becomes a very smart TV. I didn't know that had power going. It's a fucking plug.

No, the plug is, oh yeah, I gotta get the plug. No, that's the plug. Oh, that's the fucking plug? Are you kidding me? You cut through the power cable. You stupid fucking idiot. I thought it was a fucking, that's the plug! Oh, that's the fucking plug? Are you kidding me? You cut through the power cable! You stupid fucking idiot! I thought it was a plug. That doesn't feel that.

That feels like a fucking phone line. I didn't know you had me yanking on the power cable. I could have been killed. Jesus Christ, now what the fuck do I do with my TV? Well, I'm getting rid of it today. I'm pawning it off. I need some money. Well, you're just good luck pawning it now with no fucking power cord.

Can you fix the power fucking cord? I can, but I'm not gonna. Well, you're good luck pawning it now with no fucking power cord. Can you fix the power fucking cord? I can, but I'm not gonna. Why not? Because. I'll give you fucking five dollars to fix this thing. That might be one of the dumbest things I've ever seen in my fucking life. We gotta get a picture of that. That's the dumbest thing Julian's ever done.

Well, it probably was, Bob. What's the phone cord? Phone cords aren't black, bud. I better unplug it. Oh, and by the way, the power cord's still plugged in with a live end on it. So you might want to be careful around that. Here, it's not plugged in anyway. Fix this fucking thing for me, bubs.

What the fuck made you think that was a phone cord? I don't know, man. Why did it need to be unplugged? Oh, yeah, you sheared it right off with a grinder. Oh, no shit, man. A big spark happened. Get a shot of that. I could have fucking died.

Good going. Nice going. What the fuck? Nice going, fucking Toshiba. Making fucking AC plugs looking like phone lines. No. That looks like a fucking phone line. No, that looks like a power cord on a TV.

It looks exactly like a power cord, which is what it is. And now the fucking TV doesn't work. How come you can't take it out? Because it's hardwired. Why would you need't take it out? Because it's hardwired. Why would you need to take it out? But if, like, look at that. Tell me that doesn't look like a fucking phone plug. What was the problem with it?

Why did it have to go? I don't know. I fucked up, okay? Bad. I fucked up bad. You've got to fix this because I've got to sell this today. I'm not fixing it. God damn it.

Take it down to the shop and tell them what you did. I'm gonna fix this, because I gotta sell this today. I'm not fixing it. God damn it! Take it down to the shop and tell them what you did. You'll be the laughing stock. Nobody's gonna fucking find out what I did. You're gonna be the laughing stock. I'm gonna put that right on the tech talk. I don't fuck with a phone cord. I'm gonna put it right on the tech talk, Ricky.

This is just fascinating, actually. Hey, don't get into this shit, okay? You've done a lot of stupid things in your life. I'm not sure I've ever done anything quite that dumb. Oh, you have, Ricky. You've done fucking lots of things. I've never taken a grinder to a fucking phone cord to remove it from a fucking TV, I can tell you that. And it turns out it's the main power cable. Okay, let's just keep fucking talking about it.

Are we gonna start this stupid fucking show or what? I've been trying to start it for minutes now. Okay, well fuck it. While you were over there fucking, being fucking Tesla. Tesla. Welcome to the cluster fuck after the dark. Yeah, Julian took his stupid pills this morning.

I just need some cash, boys. I'm fucking, I'm sick of being broke. What the fuck? Julian took his stupid pills this morning. I just need some cash, boys. I'm fucking... I'm sick of being broke! What the fuck? I'm not broke. I got 18 bucks. 18 bucks in the bank. Living like a king. Yeah, well I don't even have 18 bucks, so you're doing better than I am.

Male prostitute. I'm not gonna be a male prostitute. You'd make 100 bucks right out of the gate. With who? A hundred bucks. Randy? What should I do as a male prostitute? No, I'm not doing Randy stuff.

No, I mean with ladies, like a gigolo. Jesus Christ. He'd be a great gigolo. There's movies about male gigolos, wasn't there? Yes. The pizza guy? What was that? The pizza gigolo, it was called.

Never saw it. Yeah. I will bang for money at this point, I'm telling you. Because this is not cool. There's a t-shirt. There's a t-shirt we need to make. I will bang for money. You go stand down at the beach.

I will bang for money and booze. Right now. Okay, no, I'm just joking. I'm all right. and booze right now. Okay, no, I'm just joking. I'm all right. I'll sell that TV. I'll be fine for a little while. All right, so what do you guys want to talk about?

Did we mention how dumb you are? Fuck off, bubs. Let's talk about, let's look up some pictures of the difference between a phone cord and a power cord. Are we gonna fucking talk about this all fucking day? Maybe. Fucking Jesus. Maybe. That seemed like...

Did you ever see that show, A Thousand Ways to Die? I just did one of them. You just did one. That would have been a really fucked up way to die. That would have sucked. Taking a grinder to a power cord. That wasn't fucking smart. You're lucky you didn't find scissors. Yeah, that would have sucked. Taking a grinder to a power cord. That wasn't fucking smart. You're lucky you didn't find scissors.

Yeah, that would have sucked. You would have got shot into the wall. That would have been shitty, man. Okay, I think I got this. You're lucky you found the grinder. I know one thing I want to talk about. What? You know Ronald McDonald's little buddy, Grimace?

Grimace? What the fuck do you think he is now? Purple fucker? Yeah. Jail. He's the same type of thing. Grimace, Jesse. Who the fuck do you think he is now? Purple fucker? Yeah. Jail. He's the same type of thing as Barney, I think. Nope. But maybe a mutated one.

What is he then? Well, I sort of thought what you thought. Some weird fucking blobby dinosaurish, I don't know what the fuck I thought. But he's supposedly the embodiment of a milkshake or a taste bud. He's what? Grimace is a taste bud. That's what McDonald's fucking said. He's a taste bud.

How the fuck can he be a taste bud? The thing weighed about 300 pounds. Well, he's not actual size. No. He's not. You don't have a big 300-pound purple fucking taste bud hanging out. They have them as a taste bud, so it tells people that their food tastes good. That's fucked, in my opinion.

Grimace. Wasn't he walking around like... That's my purple fucking blob guy. Grimace is the big purple blobby bastard that Randy used to masturbate to. Who the fuck is calling me? Fuck off, Randy. Probably the G&D repair shop. Probably Toshiba.

That's how you have a dumb yard. Okay, here we go again, huh? Yeah? Wish we had a highlight reel of all the fucking stupid shit you've done. We do. Somewhere. We should throw it on. A taste bud, eh?

Okay, I don't get this whole taste bud. So Grimace, okay. I don't either. When we're watching commercials, Grimace used to be on commercials. He's drinking a milkshake all fucked up, banging out with Ronald, right? Yes. So that big fucking blobby piece of shit was friends with fucking Ronald. Yes.

But he's a taste bud. Ronald the creepy clown. But how can a taste bud be a big fucking massive piece of shit? Well, he's not. It's not actual size. Your taste buds are only that big. I know, but I don't get it. Well, I saw a picture of blown up taste buds.

And they... It does look a little bit like one, but I think they're fucking... But they don't have eyes. What does a fucking taste bud look like? Grimace. Grimace. I don't get it, man. They don't have arms and eyes and legs, though, do they? Little taste buds in there? No, does Grimace have arms and legs? I can't remember.

He's got little pterodactyl arms, doesn't he? Like little T-Rex arms? Do I gotta look this fucking piece of shit purple asshole up? He's got little T-Rex arms, I believe. How was he holding his milkshake then? I'm thinking of the wrong fucking dude. Well, how was he holding his milkshake? Fucking Grimace of the wrong fucking dude. Well, how was he holding his milkshake? Fucking Grimace looked like the Barbapapa. Remember those fuckers? Yeah.

He looked like the Schmoo, but purple. Remember the Schmoo? I remember Schmoo, man. Is your computer not powering up? Maybe you cut the fucking cord off. Yeah, maybe I did, eh? It's not charged for some reason. You're real funny, bubs.

Fuck! Why is everything not fucking going right for me today? It's got a power cable hanging off it, cut in half. What the fuck is your internet, man? I don't know. Other networks. Okay, here we go. Alright. You know who else was fucked on that fucking McDonald's crew?

Who? Ronald? That little Hamburglar. He was cool. He was like a little thief. I liked him. What happened to that fuckhead? He was a shifty little bastard with his little mask on. Didn't like him. And he steals hamburgers, Ricky. Randy used to dress up like him for Halloween.

He was like a little weird Lone Ranger. Hamburger thief. Yeah, he was a little creepy. I met him once. He was a little creepy. You didn't meet him. You met him. Yeah, down at McDonald's on Portland Street.

You met the hamburger? Yeah. He's a weird fucking fella. Ricky, that was probably just some... Some fucking drunken idiot that's trying to make some cash to fucking buy some... Maybe it was just somebody that broke out of jail, if he had the jail suit on. Don't touch it. I don't trust you around power. That could easily be plugged in and you wouldn't know. No, this is not how you strip wires. That's how you strip. That is not. I'm not done.

We've got to fucking take her down another half an inch. No, right now you the two bases of them are touching. So you plug that in. What did I just fucking say? I'm going for another fucking half an inch down? Then I'm gonna use tape. All right. Count to ten. Count to ten. About to smash this fucking thing, Pop. Don't smash it.

I'm telling you right now. Well, it's pretty much... Let the muscles regenerate. Energize. What size TV is this, you think? 32 inch. How much would you pay for something like this in the store? With fixed power cord or with a fixed?

You know what, yes, remote everything. With the power cable cut off, you'd get about... Stop, Bubbs. Maybe... It's gonna be fucking fixed. Four bucks. It's gonna be fucking fixed. Four bucks? Oh, with a power cable jimmy rigged back on with duct tape?

Yes. Seven or eight bucks. Come on. You can get a brand new one that the power cord hasn't been cut off. For how much? I don't know, 70 bucks? No you can't. You can do. This is like a 30 inch TV.

You can get a 30 inch TV at a fucking superstore. Right at the checkout. I saw one yesterday. $79.99. This was a fucking dumb story. This 24-year-old girl went to Hawaii. They have a 10-day quarantine thing you got to do unless you can show you're double-vaxxed.

Yeah. So she made her own vaccine card yeah she spelled moderna m-a moderna yeah so she got arrested stupid fucking she got the moderna vaccine did she yeah got arrested for not knowing how to spell. Yeah? Even you know how to spell that. Yeah, man, I'm surprised you haven't been arrested for that. Well, I think if I was gonna make a fake document,

I'd probably check the spelling first. Fuck me. Why don't you just fuck up now? One of the ends. I need the proper fucking tools. Go out to my shed. You go out to your shed, man. 300 volt capabilities.

Right on. 300 volt capability on that. Is that good? Well, he could have got blasted across the room. Fuck, that would have been awesome. That would have been awesome, man. If he had of got stuck to it, we would have had to run and drop-kick him through the wall. That would have been awesome. Well, at least you know what to do, man.

Well, yeah, I would have mule-kicked you. Bubs, you know what? I'll never do something like... See, this is a lesson in life. I'll never do something like that again. And I'm learning from it. Now he's going to try to say he did it on purpose to teach the people. I kinda did that on purpose to show the people out there that, no, just because something looks like a phone fucking line, it's not. It's a power fucking line. Should've checked out the colors. They're usually not black. They're fucking grey. I've seen grey ones, beige ones, blue ones, yellow ones. No, you can get black ones. You can get black ones, but they're not...

See, that's an easy mistake someone could easily make. No, this does not feel like a fucking Ethernet cable. That... Nope. I could tell blind that that's not... I mean, if I was blindfolded. Is what I mean. Yeah, that's what you mean.

All right. Okay, what else you got, Rick? You're not as dumb as this guy. This guy swallowed an entire phone. What? Yeah. He thought he'd be able to pass it. He was wrong.

Okay, it's like a cell phone or a real old school kind of phone? No, a cell phone, like a Nokia 3100 model. Is that a flip phone or is that like one of the big screen ones? Nope, it's a flat one. What a flat phone. Dick. So even if it was the smallest smartphone you can get, it's still... Yeah, it's actually, yeah, about that big. It's still going to stretch your hoop to three inches.

Why was he fucking swallowing the thing in the first place? Just to see if he could do it, I guess. But anyway, they had to remove it and fucking... It was in his fucking body for four days. In his body? What? Yeah, and then they thought that the acid might leak out of the batteries and was gonna fuck him over. Oh, if the battery went on fire, he'd be in trouble.

You know what I learned over the weekend, boys? I'm not sure why you'd try to swallow a fucking cell phone. It's like, could you swallow that right now? Wouldn't be easy. It wouldn't be easy. What about for 150 bucks? No, I wouldn't.

I have trouble taking like like, horse pills. Would $500 make that thing easier to go down to Yadvar? You know, those big pills. What are you taking those for? I don't remember what I need them for. Something. You just don't take fucking random big pills, Ricky. Especially if they're for horses.

Horse tranquilizers. Isn't that a good time? No, man. Well, yeah, I guess, depends on what kind of... What you want to do. I'm not taking that. How's the electronic repairs going? Fucking good. I'll get Randy to fix this fucking thing. This would suck too, this 11-year-old boy fell out of a tree and fucking impaled a stick in his bag.

Oh, yeah. That would suck. Hello, Charlie. I've been shot in the bag, but I can't imagine impaling a stick in your bag. That would really suck. Through the bag? Oh, yeah. Well, that would be better than in.

No, no, it was in. He had to have it removed. What? Or was it like Rambo where it went through his side and poked out the other side? Or did it go in like, and you couldn't see the end because it was up in his gizzard? No, you could see most of it on the x-ray. I've never seen a bag x-ray before. It would just be like fucking meatballs with some fucking pasta or something.

It's not much so and there's no bones in the old bag. Oh, so it was still that one end was still inside? Oh, yeah. Oh, hell yeah. It was like one of those mini sip things. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Remember those little juice packs?

Yeah. Poor little fucker. I forgot about those. Well, he won't be banging until he's 16. Hail his back. And then this other guy almost died because he decided he was going to shove a live eel up his rectum to relieve his constipation. What the fuck is Roma people, man? To relieve his constipation.

At least kill the thing, freeze it, and then stick it up your ass. No, to get rid of his constipation, he thought it was going to... Oh, we already talked about that. I mentioned that last week. It's fucked. We did? Yeah, I did, man. You were high, Ricky.

And did you talk about him chewing through the intestines and getting into his body cavity? Yeah, and it fucked him over, of course. What a stupid cunt. Oh, it got into his body? Oh, yeah. He had to have surgery. Oh, he's dead. But here's the fucking cool part.

When they took him out, he was still alive. And he was body. Oh, yeah. He had to have surgery. Oh, he's dead. But here's the fucking cool part. When they took him out, he was still alive. And he was full. And a little bigger. Covered in shit. He was covered in shit. And happy as fuck. Well, they said feces. Is that the same thing?

That's shit. If somebody, I don't think I could witness somebody pull a big, shitty eel out of somebody. I'd pay fucking tickets to see that. Then I'd laugh at the guy and call him a fucking idiot. Alright. I just don't know what would possess you to shove an eel up your ass. Well, he thought it was gonna, you know, clean him out. But why not? Don't eels have teeth?

Yeah. They must if they were eating his intestines. I bet you that would, I bet you... There's easier things you could probably shove up there, like a little grass snake or... Yeah. Something toothless. Or a shit-eating worm or something.

Not a fucking eel. Aw, I mean, just get a fucking tiny shop vac. You're gonna go that crazy. Macro. It doesn't need to be something alive, boys. I think a Hoover would do the trick. Actually, how about this? How about go to the fucking hospital and get hooked up with some fucking pills?

Or go to the drugstore and just get, what do you call that stuff that cleans out your pipes? Chalpeptide. There you go. Go to the store for quick relief. I have a bottle of chalpeptide. Oh, I had one. You know what I had? I had one to talk about with you.

There was a guy... Let me read the headline to you, Ricky. You ready for this? I hope so. Okay. Here it is, right here. Watch this. Man... Oh, fuck. where did he go

Look read that Man tossed his penis Out of car window During car chase with police Wow What He was in a car chase Yeah

And he said voices on the radio Told him he had to cut His wiener off To save the world Oh okay I thought you meant He had like a detachable penis No he cut it off Ricky

Who the fuck Has a detachable penis There No, he cut it off, Ricky. Who the fuck has a detachable penis? There's a song about it, I think. Who? A song? About detachable penis. Who sang it? I can't remember, but it was funny.

Billy Joel had one that was, no, that wasn't even Billy Joel. There's no songs about detachable penises. I think there should be. There's a right one. No, I don't. I think his penis used. There's a right one. I don't. I think his penis used to go for walks and just go out and party without him and stuff. No, it didn't, man. Pretty sure. That would make it like a human.

Detachable penis. The penises can't go for fucking walks. How does it go? I just remember the chorus. Detachable penis. No, you're singing. You were singing that fucking two weeks ago When you were all fucked up and mustard You're singing the who pictures of Lily

So this guy gets in a police chase And some voices said Hey bud, cut off your penis and throw it at the window No, cut off your penis to save the world Oh So he cut it off to save the world And then when the cops got him pinned He whipped it at them and got away

It didn't work No, they caught him eventually, and he was bleeding to death. He didn't save the world either. Now he's just a penisless... Yeah, once he came down off the hallucinogens, he was probably like, oh, fuck. It'd be a tough world without your penis.

I really fucked this up, didn't I? Cut my wiener off on drugs. What did he use? Doesn't say. Oh, I my wiener off on drugs. What did he use? Doesn't say. Oh, I think he tore it off. Jesus. He didn't rip it right off.

I think so. I think he tore it off. He's got a good pain tolerance. Yep. What would you use? I wouldn't. There's no reason I would ever cut my wiener off. I think I'd use those little tree limbers. Oh, Ricky.

Well, it would be over quick. No, you need one of those cigar things, you know. Because if you use a knife, you're probably going to give up. Head is gone, motherfucker. It's just going to leak. Boys, you're making me very uncomfortable. The cigar clipper really brought it home to me. I've used those before to cut things.

Ouchie. They work pretty good. It's like a little wiener guillotine. It is like a wiener guillotine, man. King Henry. This is going to fucking work, boys. I'm not going to be anywhere near you when you plug it in. You should plug it in for me.

I'm not plugging that fucking thing in you when you plug it in. You should plug it in for me. I'm not plugging that fucking thing in. You probably got it wired backwards now. No, white to white, black to black. I can't believe it's September the 17th already. Fucking Jesus, I hate it. Fucked. Winter. Yeah?

We should go to jail for the winter. I'm going to jail for the winter, Bubz, because doing shit like this is not necessary in my fucking life. It's got to be an easier way, bud. This sucks. Let's just go to jail until things get back to normal a bit more. Here's the deal, Bubz. You plug this in for me, I go to the pawn shop, make some money,

no jail for Julian. You don't help me out, I'm going to fucking rob our liquor store today. Let me know when the price of chicken wings comes back down to normal and I'll come back out. Are they up? That's what you're going to base your fucking freedom on, is it, Reggie? The price of chicken

wings. It's ridiculous. How much are they going for? They've gone up at least, I don't know, 15%, maybe more. Who gives a fuck? Well, the chicken wing people fucked up and thought that they weren't going to need as many chicken wings because restaurants weren't really open that much, and people are still buying the fucking things and making them at home.

Now there's a shortage. Well, that's good for the chickens. People like me get pissed off about shit like that. That's good for the chickens, though. If I don't have chicken wings at least once a week, no point living. Ricky. That's all that's keeping you alive. And frog legs are not the same.

Trust me. They're more expensive. Where did you get frog legs? Down at the pond. Ricky. Jesus, man. Is that what I ate here the other night? Did I eat frog legs?

Let's see who got burnt on September the 17th. Do you guys know that the septic runs into that fucking pond? Yes, I know that. I wouldn't have ate them if I knew they were all fucking... We ate a bunch of shitty, pissy fucking frog legs. They call it shit pond, Ricky. Down at Shady's. That shit's good for fertilizer and stuff.

It's not good for humans, man. And by the way, this is fucking done. Perfect job. Oh yeah, it's brand fucking new. Bet you you plugged that in, you're watching TV. Thanks for fixing my phone cord. Hey! Oh, Jesus.

What the fuck, bubs? He wasn't fucking put together. It wasn't soldered. Well, you gotta solder it. No, it's going to the pawn shop. They wouldn't have fucking noticed that. Oh, man. Fuck. Whoa. I thought't have fucking noticed that. Fuck.

Oh, I thought... Thanks, bubs. Well, I was testing it. Thanks for wrecking the TV. Oh, yeah, I wrecked the TV there, Grindr. Your mother can call me Grindr. Isn't that also your favorite website? What is Grindr?

What is that? I don't get it. I don't know. I think Bub said it was your favorite website one time. No, he's never said that before, actually.

Rick? No? Jesus, fuck. You guys are fucked. Let's see who we can party with tonight. Yeah, let's see it. Look it up.

Grindr.com. I don't have fucking internet. Nothing is working for me today. Nothing. Where's my fucking drink?

That is what is wrong with me. That's why you're so dumb. Jesus Christ. What the fuck was I thinking? You threw the fucking universe out of whack when you said it that. Oh, okay. How are you fucking... I'm coming back positive, boys. How are you even functioning right now?

Hmm. I've been drinking straight vodka. Did you know Hank Williams got born today? Well not today, but 1923. Hank Williams. Fuck, we should have had Hank. Was he only fucking 30 when he died? Yeah, he was only 30. How the fuck did he die?

He died in a car. But he just died like there was a guy driving him to a show, and he thought Hank was sleeping. Did. And he pulled over, and I think he asked him if he wanted some food, and he fucking wasn't waking up, and he tapped him, and then he realized he was hurt as a rock. Hank Williams. You were driving him by the car?

Hurt as a rock. He was hurt. He was stiffened up. Oh, I thought you meant. No, he wasn't hurt. Maybe worse than the old. No, he wasn't ready to, you know, he didn't have an erection. He was just, you know, passed away like seven or eight hours ago.

Speaking of erections, you know what? There's a fucking spider in Brazil called the Brazilian Wanderer. The thing bites you, you get a fucking uncomfortable boner. A hard-on erection, whatever you want to call it, for hours. So why isn't that a thing? That should be. It is. It's called Viagra.

No, but it's free. This is natural. It's a natural, yeah. So do they bite you on the cock or they can get anywhere? I don't think they need, I think they can bite you anywhere and boom. But you said it's uncomfortable. How? Because you're herd for fucking hours and hours and hours.

You can jack it off, do whatever you want. It fucking hours and hours and hours you can jack it off do whatever you want it's still staying there so what's the downfall i don't know there's not a downfall it's just uncomfortable for people that don't just like because it's so hard that it's hurts or oh man i'd be going to terror if that was happening like how hard like punch holes and drywall hurt hard as it could be, like steel. Wow. I don't know. I guess if you get a boner for like fucking 12 hours.

What's it called? The Brazilian cock spider? The Brazilian wanderer spider. Can some of them wander up this way, I wonder? Yeah, maybe. We could probably get some mailed up to us if you want, Rick. I'd love to see you get one of those fucking things. Rick, he needs one as a pet.

John Ritter got burnt on this day. He was a funny fellow. John Ritter. He was great, man. He was amazing. Jack Tripper. Come and knock on our door. What about Sling Blade?

Yeah, he was good in that, too. What was his name? Rudy? In Sling Blade? Rudy. No, he was... Oh, for fuck's sakes. Carl Childers.

But John Ritter's name was... Oh, my fuck, that's gonna drive me up the wall now. Yeah, it was good. It was Randy. He wasn't Randy, though. No, my favorite movie of all time. It was a good one. Me too, man.

What the fuck was his name? That boy. He lives inside his own heart. That's an awful big place for a boy to live. That's what he says to John Ritter at the door. Yeah. I can't think of his name. Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner got born on this day.

Fuck that. On the same day? Yep. They had the same birthday. That's weird. No, man. They were drawn on the same fucking day. Come on, it says they were born on the same day.

Cassandra Peterson, she was Elvira. She got born today. Who's going to be the new one? There's going to be a new Elvira. What's her name? Oh, I think it's your mother. I wish. Get it?

Flo Rida. Florida. You know what? I didn't know until recently that Flo Rida was Florida. No, you didn't. Come on, Pops. I didn't notice. I think we talked about it on this show before.

We did, man. Did we? Yeah. And then you forgot about it and now you're being told again. Flo Rida. Fucking Alexander Ovechkin got born on this day. Dirty Russian. And then a bunch of fucking...

He's a dirty bastard. Space and science people. Well, we can play some Hank Williams, I guess. Yes. Alright, I could if I had some on my laptop here. Get drunk. Sing some Hank for me. Don't know.

Don't. What are the Hank tunes? Aw. Hey, good muscular looking. Hey, good muscular looking. That's not it, man. How much you lifting? How much you pressing on your bench with me?

Cold, cold hair. Got any of that in you? No. You know what? You know these rap battles that are going on these days? Yeah. You know that that shit's been around for fucking centuries? Yes.

Did you know that? Yes, they used to have rap battles. What was it called then? They used to have rap battles in Egypt. What was it called? Actually, in Scotland and shit, in England, they did more of that shit. In Egypt, they were called verbal bitch slaps. No.

Throwdowns? No. Yelling, yelly yells. No, flighting. Used to be called flighting. Flighting. Okay, they exchanged witty, insulting verses. They'd diss the shit out of each other.

It was the verbal throwdowns that was popular in fucking England and Scotland, the 5th to the 16th century. That's a lot of rapping. What would you yap about in the 5th century? Your fence is fucking garbage, bud. How far did you put those posts down in the ground? Six inches? Fucking garbage fence you built.

Drive that fucking chicken drumstick up your arse. Look how ugly your fucking cows are. Your wife looks like a mule. You're a fucking... And you're a tool. That fucking bronze cup you drink out of, that bronze cup you drink out of is fucking bullshit. And your mother's titties are lit.

You've got to rhyme it up. That's what fighting is. You're fucking weed as shit. You just don't throw at the verbal insults. You gotta rhyme it. Oh, it's gotta rhyme. A bit more to it. Throw a little Run DMC action into it. Oh, I see. So...

See, I'm not good with the rhyming. Your weed is shit and your mother has no... Tits. We would have been great at it. Alright, I either need to get drunk or go to bed. I'm going to play Missile Command again. I'm going to go to the pawn shop. Yeah, do that.

Get your doggies, get that fucking TV fixed. Maybe you should tape it while you're there so we can see what rejection feels like. He's a drunk. You got the remote for this bitch? No, it doesn't have one. Oh, it doesn't, does it a drunk. You got the remote for this bitch? No, it doesn't have one. Oh, does it? No. Right here.

No, Sylvania. That's not the one. Where the fuck you throwing that now? You don't even have a Sylvania TV. I will. Here we go, got it. Toshiba. No, it doesn't work.

I pulled the guts out of it to use on my kiddies. I built a little remote control car for them. All right, just get the fuck out. I'm playing missile command. All right. Don't turn up the volume. See you later, boys. I'm getting drunk tonight.

Meet you back here later. Tune in next week when Julian cuts the power cord off another large appliance.