Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 171 - Winter Is Coming

Episode Date: November 26, 2018

Ricky's grumpy because he hates winter - will a spell in jail cheer him up? Julian's got greasy money-making plans for Christmas, and Bubbles is dreaming of having 15ft long legs! Also: The story of Robin Hood and the Three Bears, porn star politicians, and when Bubbles met Miley! Episode 171 is brought to you by the official Trailer Park Boys Store, SwearNet.com (the only place to watch the video of this podcash), Liquormen's Ol' Dirty Canadian Whisky, and the Boys' own Freedom 35 lager!  

Welcome to the Trailer Perk Boys podcast, brought to you in perkboysswearingit.com, the only place where you can see the video version of this podcast. Nice one. And go to trailerperkboysmerch.com and check out some merch, buy some stuff, please. They sponsor us too. What about the beer and the liquor? I was just getting to that, Richard. Also sponsored by Freedom 35, Drink the Dream, and Leckerman's all-dirty Canadian whiskey.

And a new beer is born. Try my new Ricky's Catch-23 malt liquor. It's stronger than you are. Okay, are we ready? Mold is ready, buddy. Yeah, man. What are you doing, Ricky? I'm fucking coloring, man. It's keeping me sane. What's wrong? What do you mean, sane?

I don't know, man. Something's got to fucking change. With what? Just life, man. Come on, Ricky. Winter's coming. I'm fucking... I've been getting banged. It's called seasonal depression, Ricky.

Is that what it is? I think you have it, because every winter you get fucking right sad around this time. I don't like winter. I used to when I was young, but winter sucks now. It's cold. Go to jail, then. Yeah, I'm thinking about it. No, Ricky, don't go to jail.

Why don't you stay in my shed for the winter? Top bunk. I got a new heat pump. It's warm as fuck in there. What the fuck is that sound? I think they're cutting up bodies out back. The mafia. All right, you want to get this going?

You can't stay in your shed because you fucking snore. You used to. You don't want him staying in your shed with you all winter? Yes, I do. No, you don't. I do. Top bunk, bottom bunk, watching movies. When does he ever sleep?

You want to be up all fucking night? Well, no. You think you're going to have movie night every night? Yes. Great. Yes. Get chicken, like, movie night every night? Yes. Isn't that great? Yes. Get chicken pizza and have movie night every night. And him not going to bed until, like, fucking 6 o'clock.

I'll go to bed when I'm good and goddamn ready. See? There you go. If Bob wants to go to bed early, I'll go to bed early. See? That's it. There's a hockey game on. You fucking start drinking.

I'll watch the hockey game. You're going to, like, shut the TV off. I'll watch the hockey game. You're going to shut the TV off? I'll watch the hockey game with Ricky every night. Here we go. Then you watch Kimmel, and the next thing you know, you're fucking flicking around trying to find Blue and the Wee or something. Some porn on some channel. What?

And you're staying up all night. I'm not going to be watching porn with him every night. It'll happen. Now that'll get a little weird. All right, should we get this going or what? Yes, I guess so. Now that you've ruined my fucking day. I just saved your fucking day.

Okay, here. I'm going to get on the lecker. Oh, there we go. She started. Right on. What's up, fuckers? It's the Fish and Trailer Prep Boys podcast coming at you right now. And you know what, boys?

I was thinking about this whole episode number. Who gives a fuck? People like to keep track if they can't see it on the screen. I was thinking about that, but you go onto the site and press the fucking button. It says episode 170, 171. But not everybody's watching it, are they, dumbass? Some people are listening to it In their car

Off of iTunes Alright kids This is episode number 171 There see Was that so hard Friday November 23

Is it the 23rd already Yes Sucks It's like Christmas Is in a month man I know It's over a month away a month, man. I know. It's over a month away.

Gets dark at fucking five. That's all right, Ricky. It sucks! Winter does suck, Babs. The summer's gonna come back around, Ricky. When? Next summer. A few months from now.

A lot more than a few, bud. We'll get through December and January and February. Well, December's gonna be busy. That's gonna fly by. I'm gonna open up my little store, sell some shit. And you're opening the Christmas store again, are you? Yes, I am. Is he working for you?

I made a bit of money last year. People are dumb, man. They just like fucking spending money on... No, I said, is Ricky gonna be working for you? Acquiring the product? I think so, man. They just like fucking spending money on stupid shit. No, I said, is Ricky going to be working for you, acquiring the product? I don't think so, yeah. I don't want to admit that on camera. Okay, then, Ricky, the offer to stay in my shed has been revoked. Why?

Because you're not stealing Christmas presents all day and then coming back and using my shed like a flop house. That's what Robin Hood did. What's your point, Pops? No, he didn't. What did he do? He stole from the rich and gave to the poor. That's what I do. Except I don't give.

We steal from the rich and give a discount price to the fucking poor, okay? Which is better than fucking nothing. You don't steal from the rich. You steal from anybody that's got Christmas decorations up outside the park. Which are usually people that've got fucking money.

No, they're not rich. But when you think of Robin Hood and the Three Bears, you think of like a good guy, not a fucking criminal. Grinji, I haven't fucking broken into one pinto that was filled with fucking... Robin Hood and the Three Bears. Did you not catch that? Who the fuck...

What is that story, Ricky? Tell me the story of Robin Hood and the Three Bears. Didn't he steal from the rich and gave to the poor with his bears? He didn't have bears. That was fucking Goldilocks and she didn't to the poor with his bears? He didn't have bears. That was fucking Goldilocks, and she didn't own the bears anyway. Goldilocks ran into the three bears. Yeah, I know about that story.

One of them ate her honey, or she ate their honey or something, wasn't it? They fucking snapped. No, that was Little Red Riding hood that ate the honey wasn't it her little miss muffet she sat on a fucking tuffet what is a tuffet it's like a little stool man chaise lounge type stool i believe a muffet oh miss muppet sat on her stool I bet your buddy was gonna fucking say that first But couldn't come up with anything I'm guessing he had toffet first

And then he just called her little Miss Muppet To rhyme with toffet He probably had a toffet in his house That he used to put his feet up on Okay Alright, boys What the fuck did we smoke, Ricky? What is that shit? What? Okay. All right, boys. What the fuck did we smoke, Ricky? What is that shit?

I don't know, but I like it. It's just, you can't keep thinking of one thing until your brain just keeps going around. It's like, okay, I'm thinking about this. No, not anymore. I'm thinking about this. It's like a fucking, what do you call that? A buzz on.

A good buzz on. Great. Now I can't focus my thoughts. That's good. Go with it. Just keep tricking, man. Yeah. Liquor will always win.

I thought we weren't drinking on Fridays anymore. Who said that? Maybe I got that dreamt. No one fucking said that. I didn't say it, and he definitely didn't say it. So you're having dreams of people saying you're not going to party anymore Friday nights? I had a dream last night that my legs were 15 feet long.

I woke up, my legs went right off the end of the bed, across the floor, and up the wall. Make you a lot faster. Oh, my fuck, if my legs were 15 feet long, I'd be the Olympic champ. You know what? Your life would be fucking hell, man. Think about it. You'd be walking down the street, looking in, like, windows of second-story buildings and shit. Yeah. You'd be hitting your head on everything. I'd be an Olympian. I'd be a fucking Olympian, though, wouldn't I?

Yeah, but you'd electrocute yourself in fucking two minutes out in the city. Just doing some quick math here. How about the middle leg? Well, if it was even proportionate, it'd be pretty big. Two feet? If I had 15-foot long legs, I could probably do the 100-meter dash in, what, four seconds? You'd be pretty quick. I mean, your stride's going to be 30 feet.

You still have the same length upper body and arms and stuff and head? You're going to take 30 feet per stride if you have enough muscles to really crank it up the torque on your legs. Yeah, I bet you could do it under four seconds. How the fuck would you get... You'd have to get there in, like, a truck, a five-ton or something. I'd sit in the back of a five-ton with my knees up.

Because your knees would only be... If you bent your legs, your knees would be at about seven feet. That's what I'm saying. You'd have to be in a five-ton truck, though, to go, like, I need to go... Yeah, I'd sit in the back of a truck with my knees up, seven feet what if your foot got itchy how would you scratch it well you'd still reach it ricky no it's not too

far away if you're sitting on your arse and you pull your knees in your feet are going to be in the same spot just that your knees are way the fuck up there all right well what if your knees got itchy that's different that's different. That's different. With the legs, would there be, like, a package deal? Like, maybe better eyesight? If your knees got itchy, you could... You would need better eyesight if you had 15-foot fucking legs. Throwing it out there, I know I ain't saying shit like this to you,

but it's the truth, man. You would kill yourself. I would not. And if my knees got itchy, I could use a hockey stick to scratch them. If you fell down, it'd be quite a fucking... It'd probably break your head. It'd be a tall... It'd be a high fall. It'd be like falling off...

If you tried to catch your fall, you'd probably break your arms. 15 feet is a lot. Yeah, it's five more than ten. Yeah. You'd have to bang, like, in a long hallway as well, because there's no way you'd fit in a fucking room with 15-foot legs. Well, if you were on your knees, you're still seven feet in the air. You know, that would be difficult.

Seven and a half, yeah, your cocks can be seven and a half feet off the ground, even on your knees. So if you did have a girlfriend, she'd have to get a stepladder to get in her shit, though. Yeah, well. Or you'd have to get a stepladder to get her shit done. Yeah, well. Or you'd have to build a really high bed, like one foot away from the ceiling. I don't know.

I think it would be very functional. Would the ladies like somebody who had, like, 15-foot-long legs? I believe they would. I don't know, man. I believe they would. I don't know, man. I believe they would. Maybe I'd date a little person. Just to throw, you know, some craziness into the mix. Paul Onion was 15 feet tall, wasn't he?

Yeah, but you were just talking, it was, you know, if either of them was like proportioned properly in your body. Who did you say, Ricky, was proportioned? Paul Onion. Paul Onion. Who the fuck is that? And his cow, the blue cow or whatever. Paul Onion.

Paul Onion. You're the fucking cow. Who the fuck are you talking about? You're talking about Paul Bunyan. Paul Bunyan. Paul Onion, he said. What about Paul Onion? How did he get...

I thought he was 15 feet tall. No, that's a fucking statue, man. No, but the real Paul Onion was 15 feet. He was a chef. Paul Onion, Jimmy Garlic's cousin. Oh, boys. What are we talking about? I don't know, man.

You were having 15-foot legs for some reason. Man, these drugs are really fun. This is the greatest tasting popcorn, but the shittiest popcorn I've ever had. Why, man? I was just looking at who got born on November 23. Who was it? Billy the Kid.

Billy the Kid. Ferocious gunfighter. I would not fuck with him. That's one kid you don't want to fuck with. Best line in Young Guns. What is it, Bob? Huh? The movie Young Guns?

Best line. Billy the Kid. What was it? What was it? You used to say it all the time. I'll make you famous. That was good. Make you famous.

That's fucking tough. Billy the Kid. He was ferocious, apparently. Young. He wasn't young, was he? Well, he was a kid. I don't think Billy the Kid was a kid, Ricky. Why would he be called that, then?

How would a kid be able to fucking handle two fucking.45s? Well, we were pretty good with guns back in the day. Why'd they call him the Kid, though? I think it was because he was, like, a small dude. He looked young for his age, right? I don't know. He looked like a kid until he took out his fucking guns and blew your head off. Did he like that name, or was that what set him off and made him shoot people?

I think that's what pissed him off, man. Well, his real name was William H. Bonnie. William Bonnie. He probably got teased for that name. It's not a great handle. It's not bad. It's better than Ricky LaFleur. He was born in New York City. Did not know that. That's what NYC means, isn't it? Yeah.

I didn't know there was a... What year was he born? Doesn't say. Oh, 1859. Oh, yeah. New York was booming by 1859. Was it? New York was a... They had buildings and shit? Yes, they had buildings. It was a big city by 1859. Obviously not as big as it is now, but it was still, like, you know, New York City. Empire State Building.

When did they build that motherfucker? Empire State Building? I'm going to guess. I don't know. The 20s? What did it have been built in the 20s? Google the cocksucker. Okay, boys, that's what we should do today.

You know what we're going to do? We're going to make bets on things. What's your guess, Ricky? Let's everybody bet a dollar. I'm gonna say 19... I'm gonna say 1924. 1911. 1911. Uh, 1919. Price is right rules.

Okay. When was it built? Just a sec, man. I think we're all wrong. Okay. Lots of people fucking died building the motherfucker. Oh, yeah. A lot of people falling off that fucking thing.

Yeah, King Kong too. King Kong, come on, Bubs. Fell off it. All right, holy fuck. What? Completed in 1931. Fuck, I won though. Price is right, rules are good.

I was gonna fucking say 31. Price is right, rules, I won. Everybody pay me a buck, let's go. See who else got born today. Anybody good? Harpo Marx. Harpo Marx? Yeah. One of the Marx brothers.

Jerry Bach. Jerry who? Bach. What was he, a chicken? Get it? Jerry Bach. Bach, Bach. Corrupt. He's from the Dog Pounds. You know Bach. Corrupt.

He's from the Dog Pound. You know him? Corrupt? Yes, corrupt from the Dog Pound. Old school, man. Old school. Colby Armstrong, hockey player. Snooki.

Who did you play with? Snooki. Didn't you have a crush on Snooki? I never had a crush on Snooki. I could never like Snooki. What about Miley Cyrus? It's her born day today. I did have a crush on Snooki. I could never like Snooki. What about Miley Cyrus? It's her burnt day today. I did have a crush on Miley Cyrus.

I met Miley Cyrus. Did you? Oh, yeah. Yes, I did. I bet you I have a picture of it, too. How is that? Here, let's put up a picture of me and Miley Cyrus. Blink.

Blink. Wow. Um, it was, you know, it was quite an experience. Where was this at? Down in the United States of America. Okay. Alright. It's just, you know, thought we would have heard about this a little earlier

It was a crazy night, let me tell you Did you make out with her? I don't, not telling Not telling Alright Maybe I did, maybe I didn't That's for me to know and you to find out Alright, boys

Way to get this fucking thing going here Yes Get what going? This podcast, man It's just It's going, isn't it? out. All right, boys. Way to get this fucking thing going. Yes. Get what going? This podcast, man. It's just... It's going, isn't it? Hasn't it been going for an hour?

I don't know, man. I don't know if we're still going forward or what, man. We went off the reels. Let's make another bet on something in history. Let's bet...

I don't know. I got nothing. Let's bet... I don't know. I got nothing. Let's bet on... Let's bet on when New York City was founded. Really? Why not? It's as fucking interesting as anything else you're talking about. It seems like fucking work.

I don't want to have to try to think back, man, and try to figure this out. Let's get something. Let's get something he might not know. Okay. Let's guess when Christopher Columbus landed in America. I know. When?

Back then. When? Back then. When? I know there's a rhyme you sing to remember it by. What was it? I can't remember. Come on, man, think about it. In dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. So I think it was in 92.

The year 92? I think it was 1492. Holy fuck. Check out the big brain. You know what? He's surprising me these days. It rhymes. It's like remembering the rainbow with Roy G. Biv.

That's right. I like things like that. Roy G. Biv. That's right. I like things like that. Roy G. Biv. They make my brain work better. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. Roy G. Biv. Don't ever say that to me. Those are called mnemonics, Ricky,

when you use little tricks to remember things. I thought mnemonics was sound. No. tricks to remember things i thought mnemonics was sound no mnemonics is when you use now you're making me second guess myself no you're probably right mnemonics yeah mnemonics is when you use little tricks to remember things so you know how we've been in porn? What? We did a bit of porn back in the day, me and you. Well, not together, but yeah, I know what you mean.

Guess what? What? We could still become a cultural minister. A what? A cultural minister. We could work for the government. Even though we've done pornography films? Yep. Guy in Brazil right now, the front runner. Mm-hmm.

He was in a lot of porn. Oh, that's good to know. He was actually, you might know him, he was the star of Anal Total 10. Why the fuck would I know who this guy is? I have no idea what you're talking about, man. Oh, it was Zonder Forta. You know him?

No. He was in what? Anal what? Anal Total 10. Anal Total 10. Do you know that series? What'd you fuck off? Was he doing, what kind of porno was it?

Is he with ladies or is he with fellas? I don't know. Look it up. I'm not, you look it up in my computer. Just type in anal Google, anal total. There's no total anal 10 nothing going on in this computer. Just type in anal. Why, are you worried the FBI's gonna search you?

Just type in anal. Why do we need to know this? Why don't we just look up, what's his name? Alex Zander. Alex Zander. Why do we need to know this? Why don't we just look up, what's his name? Alex Xander. Alex Xander. It's D-R-E. D-R-E.

And then Forda, I think, F-O-R-T-A. F-O-R-T-A. Alexander Forda. Let's see what. Forda? DeForda. No, is it DeForda? DeForda? You said D-R-E, man.

No, you said F-O-R-T-A. Florida. Well, the Alexander is R-E. Fuck, you don't even know how to use your machine. No, man. I just don't... I've never spelled Alexander of Florida before. Go.

Froda? Could be. F-R-O-T-A? Maybe. No idea. Let me see it, Ricky. I probably spelled it wrong. Oh, you wrote it down.

Anal total 10. Okay, here we go. Look at this greasy fucker. This guy looks like a fuck. He looks pretty fucking greasy. Oh, yeah. this greasy fucker. This guy looks like a fuck... He looks pretty fucking greasy. Oh, yeah. Let's see him. There was a picture I saw.

He was in his underwear. So he's in anal total tan? He's gonna be the cultural minister for Brazil. The cultural minister? Yeah. Wow. So we should be that for Canada. The cultural minister, sort of.

You know, he looks after... Culture. Hey, this is our culture down here. We're into... We're into carnival and... Anal. Anal. We're into carnival and festivals and painting and art and anal.

We're very into anal. And he's into fucking jujitsu for like fucking 30 years. So you don't want to go up and say, hey, Dougie fucking anal 10. Go fuck yourself. Hey, total anal 10. He'll kill you. Hey, total anal 10, how are you? So do you know him? How do you know him?

I don't know him. I fucking looked him up, okay? He knows the series. I don't know the series, man. Says he also did a bunch of shows like Big Brother, but it's been like Big Brother in Brazil, whatever the fuck they call it. What was that series you had all the editions of? Oh, Blow It On My Beard 6.

Cops. Blow it on my beard one through 14. That's fucking... You're fucked, man. On my goatee, one through 14. Remember you had all the VHS lined up. All the VHS, man.

Lined up on top of the TV. We almost done. No. I would say we are close. Did you hear about that fellow that fell asleep on the cargo hold of an airplane? No. Not from fucking Kansas City to Chicago. He fell asleep in the cargo hold.

Oh, that was a big fuck up. I guess he was okay. I guess they're pressurized. I didn't know that. Some of them are. What if... How the fuck would you fall asleep? It's like you just go in there and...

But they're not heated. That would suck. You'd be fucking cold. You'd be cold. They're pressurized, yes. Because when they ship dogs, that's where they go. They go in the cargo hold, and it's pressurized. But you've got to put a coat on your dog.

Do you? You're shipping them while you're supposed to. What kind of a coat? A dog coat. Like made out of fur? Whatever. That doesn't need to be made out of fur. There's different types of...

Goose down? You could put a goose down on your dog, but he'd probably chew the jacket up looking for the goose. What's the difference between goose down and duck down? Well, Ricky, think about it. One of them, the feathers they pulled out of a goose, and the other one,

they pulled the fucking feathers out of a duck. Same comfyness level? No warmth? I don't know, Ricky. Do you know? I don't give a fuck. Alright. Remember we used to play duck, duck, goose? How does that work again? I don't remember, Buzz. I think you just run around and touch people on the head and say duck, duck, goose and you fall down. Don't remember, Bob. I think you just run around and touch people on the head and say, duck, duck, goose, and you fall down. Don't remember playing that.

No, don't remember. You don't remember that? What were the other games we used to play? Lawn darts. Dangerous games. Those were dangerous, weren't they? Remember we used to throw it straight up and then run? Yeah.

Because you'd lose it in the sun? Yeah, that was a dangerous fucking game. Who got hit one through the shoulder? Corey. Yeah, it was Corey. Yeah. Right in his shoulder. Well, he threw it up and just didn't move. That was really stupid.

Well, his theory was there's no way he could possibly throw it perfectly straight up and perfectly straight down. Which he then did, and it went in his shoulder. It didn't hit any bones, though. Just in the meat. That was lucky. That was lucky. I was checking out the history for this day, and do you know that in 1942,

Poon Lim started a 133-fucking-day journey at sea because his ship got torpedoed by the fucking German bastards. He was the sole survivor. Found a little raft. He was adrift for 133 fucking days. Poong, man. Yep, fucking survived.

That's a long fucking stretch, man. Had a bit of water on the raft and some biscuits, some sugar cubes. 130 days worth, though. He was eating something else. Well, he started fishing and catching seabirds and drinking rainwater. He was fishing. What with?, he started fishing and catching seabirds and drinking rainwater. Oh, he was fishing. What with?

I'd call him and ask him. Although he may not still be around. Poon Lin? Yeah. I wonder if he was related to Poom Tang. He grabbed a lifejacket and jumped off his boat and then the fucking thing exploded. It sank in two minutes. Jeez.

That would suck. I wonder if he was related to Poom Tang. We'll find out. He was a fighter. Handsome guy, too. Boys, I gotta go. Why? I got some shit to do. It's 12 o'clock. I gotta roll. All right.

Are you gonna hook up later and get drunk or what? I'm already getting drunk. You're not going fucking stealing without me. I've got a few things to take care of. Don't worry, we'll hook up later. All right, I guess I've got to go to work. All right, well, I guess then we'll shut her down, I suppose. Tune in next week for this just fascinating stuff we talk about. You weren't supposed to fucking get a hold of that somebody.

Who? Oh, the lady that was married to a ghost. Oh, shit. We forgot to call the ghost fucker. Next week, maybe. Okay, we'll try her. We'll try to track her down.