Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 188 - Dirty Old Street Meat

Episode Date: March 25, 2019

The Boys are back from their tropical cruise - and Ricky and Julian are sick as f**k! Was it the BBQ chicken, Randy's cheeseburgers, or the steak with weird sauce? Bubbles investigates! Also: the dangers of jerking your goalie, and how to avenge Randy for his dirty burgers! Episode 188 is brought to you by the official Trailer Park Boys Store, SwearNet.com (the only place to watch the video of this podcash), Liquormen's Ol' Dirty Canadian Whisky, Freedom 35 lager and Green Bastard IPA!  

Welcome to the Trailer Perk Boys podcast, brought to you in perkboysswearingit.com, the only place where you can see the video version of this podcast. Nice one. And go to trailerperkboysmerch.com and check out some merch, buy some stuff, please. They sponsor us too. What about the beer and the liquor? I was just getting to that, Richard. Also sponsored by Freedom 35, Drink the Dream, and Lickerman's all-dirty Canadian whiskey.

And a new beer is born. Try my new Ricky's Catch-23 malt liquor. It's stronger than you are. Okay, boys. Are you going to do the fucking thing? Or do you want me to do it? I don't care about this. Whatever you want to do, man. All right. Welcome to the official Trailer Park Boys podcast. This is number 188, March 22nd.

If you're tuned in on just the audio portion, you might think your speakers are fucked. But they're actually not. I've got a fucking full respirator on today because Julian and Ricky both have the fucking Norwalk virus. Are you sure that's what we have?

I believe that's what it is from my research. What are the symptoms of that? Pessing out your arse. Check. Puking and dry heaving. Check. Can't eat.

Can't eat. Can't smoke dope. Can't smoke dope. I can't drink. Can't drink? Here, first time ever. Do you want this? I don't want to waste it.

I couldn't even fucking smoke dope on my birthday today. I'm not drinking anything. You haven't. Here, I'm not touching it. I haven't even to waste it. I couldn't even fucking smoke dope on my birthday today. I'm not drinking anything here. I'm not touching anything. I haven't even taken a sip of it. Bubz, I haven't taken a fucking sip of it. I know, but your dirty old Norwax fingers were already on the glass. I ate one of Randy's fucking burgers. Maybe he fucking food poisoned me.

Well, I don't know. Food poisoning usually doesn't take this long, Ricky. Okay. So, we're back from the cruise. Trailer Park Boys cruise. Yeah, that was awesome. It was fantastic. I think the fans all had a good time. I think so.

And Ricky and Julian are both... Both got the Norwalk. So, Ricky, I just want to retrace your steps on the boat to see what might have happened here. That's not going gonna be easy. What, um, name some things that you ate that you can think of. Barbecue chicken. I had barbecue chicken. Okay, so there's a common fucking data point.

I had a cheeseburger picnic burger. I had a cheeseburger. These are data points, they call them. And you know what? I don't think I even ate... You really even ate much on the cruise, to tell you the truth, Bubbs. Well, you drank a lot of liquor, though. I had some tuna's fish. I didn't have tuna. I don't...

Tuna fish? Yeah. Where did you get that? This little fellow was walking by with tuna's fish crackers, and I gobbled a couple down. Tuna fish crackers. Interesting. I didn't have tuna fish crackers and I gobbled a couple down. Tuna fish crackers. Interesting. I had a steak with a weird sauce.

Okay. Steak with a weird sauce. Can you describe the sauce to me, Ricky? It was kind of an orangey, burgundy, black, not black, gray. Oh, that sounds like maybe there was some...

It was more orange than anything. An orange sauce. Okay, that might be an interesting... It was fucked, I have to say, but I can't imagine the sauce made me sick. Now, when we stopped at that island, did you eat any weird conch shells or anything? Like, did you lack anything weird?

See, that's the problem, Bubbs. I don't really remember a whole lot of the crews. I was fucked every single day. But you did eat one of Randy's cheeseburgers, correct? Yes. And you did too? Yes, and I did have edibles that Ricky had as well. Well, I'll tell you this right now.

I know that Randy's burgersers, I was watching him. He got the fucking meat from the people on the ship. Okay. And he ate all of that before he had his picnic. So when we stopped at the island, he bought discount burger meat in Freeport from some guy on the side of the road. So you ate dirty old Freeport street meat. I also ate a fucking some kind of a hot, a really reddest pink hot dog in Freeport. What? You don't eat hot dogs down there, man.

A reddish pink hot dog? That's the hot dog cart. I like street meat. You know what, you gotta stop talking about fucking reddish pink hot dogs from Freeport, man. Why, did you put one in your mouth? No, man, but it's going to make me puke. And this is a lesson. Did you have any, like, big black ones in your mouth? Bob, why would you say that? No, I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it.

Everybody knows what you're talking about. At any point, did you put any long, black, tubular objects in your mouth? No, I did not. But this is the thing, if you go to a fucking place, like a tropical place, and the animals are starving to death, you don't eat the fucking meat. True. What the fuck knows what people are feeding these cattle, man. That's very true. That's very true.

So what is it? We got a northern walk? No, I believe you got the Norwalk virus. Dirty old virus. How do you get rid of it? You just got to suffer through it, Ricky. Oh, my God. I can't take much more of this.

When did this start? It's about three, four days ago. Jesus, mercy. You know what I feel like right now? Doc Hollywood, man. The coughing and fucking... the cough. You think you got tuberculosis?

I don't know, man. He had tuberc. He had the tuberc. How does that treat you over time? Very similar to this. Really? Are you coughing up blood? No. Can you shit through the eye of a needle?

Pretty much. Pretty much, man. It smells like seafood. The worst part is you piss out of your ass, and it smells so horrific that then you have to throw up. That's nice. Or dry a heave. Let's get more into the smells. That's nice. Or dry you.

Let's get more into the smells. Let's talk about that. I don't want to get into it. It smells like seafood, man. You don't eat seafood. Exactly. So what the fuck is going on with my body? So you're turning into a crustacean.

It kind of smells like a whale ate a bunch of shrimp and then it beached itself and rotted. That's what it smells like. Jesus, Murphy. That's very good, Ricky. That's going to make me throw up in my respirator. That's exactly it. How come you're not sick?

How the fuck did you not get sick? Because I fucking didn't eat all dirty street meat. I was very careful about what I ate and I made sure everything was cooked and looked like it. I wouldn't eat things dirty street meat. I was very careful about what I ate, and I made sure everything was cooked and looked like it. I wouldn't eat things that weren't in the package. Everything I ate came out of a package. Well, when you're drunk and you get fucking food put in front of you

and you're hungry, you eat it, man. Well, that's why I was very careful. Is there any way we can sue anybody here? And I took all my supplements. I was taking all my supplements. Riddle me this. Oh, man, don't puke. Oh, God, that was close.

You puke or shit yourself. How come we weren't sick on the boat? That's a good question. We were only on the boat, what, four days? Yeah. So if you ate the, like Randy's Burger things, you ate that on the last day, days? Yeah. So if you ate the, like Randy's burger things, you ate that on the last day, right? Yeah.

Street meat second to last day. Well, there you go. See, I think the, and then if there's a delayed response, like a 24-hour response, kicks in the day after the boat, and then, yeah, that's right on track. You know what? We've got to get a hold of him. Where's Randy at in the world right now?

I hope he's dead. He's doing cheeseburger picnics or whatever the fuck you call them? He's doing cheeseburger picnics. The only thing that's gonna make me feel better is knowing that he's fucking puking his face off and pissing out of his ass right now. I don't think he is. If he's not, he's getting shot. You can't shoot him. Well, piss on him then.

Can they trace it back to what the fuck it was it's not easy Ricky I mean you're on a cruise ship it could be completely unrelated to Randy it could have been you know holy fuck you it might be the Ebola the what you might have the Ebola

what the fuck is that the Ebola virus where it starts eating your fucking organs and you bleed out every hole on your body. Jesus Christ. Ebola, man. Bleed out your ears, bleed out your fucking eyes. No, buts. Bleed out your piss hole.

I got none of that going on, thank God. No, but it takes about a week. Oh, great. You could be just percolating right now. Oh, my God, I need to try to eat. If I start bleeding under my fucking eyeballs, man, I'm not going to be happy, bubs. I am very glad I put my full hazmat suit on.

Because I am not getting the Ebola. Does that take you over for good or what? Ebola? Yeah. You don't recover, bud. There's no fucking take a couple pills and feel better in the morning. Shouldn't you be fucking looking into this something? Jesus, I should maybe just Google Ebola.

See if there's been any Ebola fucking... What is it, Ebola what? It's Ebola, man. No, Ebola, Ricky, not Ebola. See if anybody down there is fucking going through the same thing we are. Wait. Well, it doesn't want to take my finger in. Man, you've got to take your gloves off.

I'm not taking my gloves off. Ebola, I will look it up. Ebola. Here, I got it working now. Symptoms. Holy fuck, man. Does it fuck up your eyes, man? Yes, it fucks up your eyes.

I can't even fucking see this shit, man. Ten signs of Ebola. Here we go. Ebola symptoms. Fever. Yes, check. Okay, just wait. I'm going to go back.

Ten signs of Ebola. Fever. Yes. Severe go back. Ten signs of Ebola. Fever. Yes. Severe headache. Yes. Muscle pain. Big time. Weakness.

Ebola's weak as fucking Jacob right now. Fatigue. Oh, fuck yes. Fuck, I just want to sleep. Diarrhea. Big time. Oh, that's the worst one. Vomiting.

Yep. Abdominal stomach pain. Yep. Big time. That's what you got. It's Ebola. You gotinal stomach pain. Yep. Big time. That's what you got! It's Ebola! You got the fucking Ebola! Alright, it says how long does it take for Ebola fucking to kill ya?

Please tell me we got some time. ...family member three days... Unexplained hemorrhaging? You got unexplained hemorrhaging, bleeding or bruising? No. I got some bruising on my fucking shin. I got a bruise on my finger. I broke it on the ship. Well, that's...

Symptoms may appear anywhere from 2 to 21 days after contact with the virus. Fuck. With an average of 8 to 10 days. Many common illnesses can have these same symptoms, including influenza or malaria. You could have the malaria, too. You know what? I got bit... Did you get bit by a mosquito down there? I got bit by something right behind my fucking ear. I got bit by something as well. It's still fucking there too and it hurts like a son

of a whore. Great. Ebola virus disease. EVD is a rare but severe and often deadly. Recover from EVD depends on good supportive clinical care and the patient's immune response. Survivors of the Ebola virus have antibodies that are made by the immune system. Get me some of those fucking things. Transmission. Let's see how she's transmitted.

Oh, my God. Oh, scientists think people are initially infected with Ebola through contact with an infected animal, such as a fruit bat or a non-human primate. I haven't, no. Did you encounter any monkeys or primates? None. Or did you have any fruit bats flying around in your room?

Not that I can remember, Bubbs. Okay, then this is a good sign. It was with that one guy that looked like he was from Planet of the Apes. That guy looked a little weird, man. I think he was human. The virus spreads through direct contact, such as through broken skin or mucous membranes in the eyes, nose,

or mouth, with blood or body fluids. So you didn't, like, you didn't suck off a primate, did you? No, my eyes are alright. They don't look great. Ricky, you weren suck off a primate, did you? No, my eyes all right. They don't look great. Ricky, you weren't blowing monkeys or anything, were you? No. Are you sure?

Very sure. You were really banged up, Ricky. Infected fruit bats, yeah, which turn apes, monkeys. This sucks. Look, Ricky doesn't get sick. This sucks. I want to get back to my normal life. Me too.

You know what? You know what? The more I check that, I don't believe you have the Ebola. This could be the answer, man. Maybe we just have a flu. Maybe we just got to fucking kill everything, the microorganism in our body with liquor. But I don't know.

But liquor's full of sugar. That's got sugar in it, your Coca-Cola. Sugar's a breeding ground for fucking bad things. They love sugar. So unless you're gonna drink straight liquor, that theory's out the window. Holy fuck. Doc Holliday. Doc Holliday, Carl. Is he the guy from Back to the Future? No, Ricky, that was...

Young guy. That was Doc, what's his name? Make you famous. Okay, boys. Do you want to know who was born on this day, or did he even give a fuck? I don't give a fuck, but I guess people... Unless there's somebody cool. Well, 1931, William Shatner.

Holy fuck. Is he that old? William Shatner. Holy fuck. Is he that old? Canadian author, director. How old is that motherfucker? Jesus Christ, he's almost 100. Shatner was born in 31. No, he wasn't. That's the wrong fucking...

Now what is it? That can't be right. He was born in Montreal, Quebec. Star Trek and TJ Hooker, 1931. So how old is the cocksucker? 69, 79. 80-something, maybe? 80-fucking-8.

Shit, there's 88. He's fucking 88, man. He still looks fucking good, too. He does. He looks very good. Who the fuck is he still kicking around, man? Because he was on Star Trek. Lots of banging.

Well, he probably went to a planet where he ate some, you know, he ate some super crystals or something, and now he's... Andrew Lloyd Webber. He was born today. What's his deal? He's a composer.

He wrote all kinds of stuff. Phantom of the Ocean, Cats. He was born in London, England. 1948, Wolf Blitzer. Who cares? Okay, who cares England. 1948, Wolf Blitzer. Who cares? Okay, who cares? Fuck you, Wolf Blitzer. I know that guy.

1972, Elvis Stoico, Canadian figure skater. He was good back then, eh? He was good back in the day. Lucy, you know what? Lucy fucking wanted to bang him so bad. Elvis Stoico? Yeah, she wanted me to take figure skating lessons because of that fucking guy. Rick, I hate to tell you this, but I think she did bang Elvis Stoico.

She didn't bang Elvis Stoico? Ice Capades came here, she fucking, she got in, and I think she got it going. Am I thinking of the right Elvis Stoichel? Because I don't think he was into ladies. No, I think he was into ladies, man. He was? Yes, he was. Elvis Stoichel, okay.

Maybe Lucy did that. He was banging like crazy. Reese Witherspoon. Hot. Why did she call herself that, though? What? It's a weird name to call yourself. Witherspoon?

Yeah. It's like you're a spoon that starts to fucking get old and wither itself. What is it? I don't know. I thought, I think Reese is probably just as strange. She's like a peanut buttercup. Yeah, which is cool. Reese or there's like Reese hitches or something, isn't there?

What? A Reese hitch? Tra something, isn't there? What? A Reese hitch? Trailer hitch? I don't know. Maybe your family owns that, man. I don't know. Sean Mims, the rapper, Mims. Who? Mims? What did he do? I don't know. He's a rapper. This is why I'm hot, it says.

Are you drinking beer with fucking ice in it, Rick? No, man. What is it? Some kind of fucking Gatorade. All it, Rick? No, man. What is it? Some kind of fucking Gatorade. That's good, man. Constance Wu was born today. I can't remember the last time I had a full glass of fucking water. Are you drinking water?

I'm drinking water. Wow. If I can't smoke a joint by tomorrow, I'm fucking taking my life. Ricky. I have to. My lungs are having a bit of a problem. You know what? I'm fucking taking my life. Ricky. I didn't say that. My lungs are having... You know what? I'm telling you one thing.

I'm pissed off. Never, ever am I taking fucking edibles again, man. Never that you gave me that fucking little toffee. Well, you weren't supposed to take the whole fucking thing. It was a fucking 10-dose. You were fucked. You took a 10-dose edible? Yes, man.

If you guys were at the meet and greet was that at the podcast that was at the meet and greet but were you fucked on the podcast too

yes or something I was fucked all day man yeah the meet and greet you were so fucked so the people that paid to come on the

cruise and went to the meet and greet they just got to see fucking Julian catatonic Julian so in all those pictures if people have those

pictures Julian is fucked in them. I'm on edibles, like, way too many. To the point where I almost freaked out and wanted to have to get fucking airlifted off the cruise. By helicopter. That would have been something. That would have been good.

Maybe I wouldn't be fucking sick right now if that happened. Okay, boys. Oh, don't. Mental note, don't burp in your respirator. Okay, boys. Oh, don't... Mental note, don't burp in your respirator. No, you don't want to do that, man. No, that's not great. So, Bubz, you know what you got to do? Ricky, you look like Batman.

I feel like Deadman. Deadman is not a very good superhero. What, Julian? You're going to have to get some fucking Lysol spray. Yeah. Spray the fuck out of everything, man, okay? This is going to go through the entire fucking trailer park. I know.

That's why I got my... Here's a question. I'm not saying it happened, but just suppose somebody that had this was having fun with themselves. Once they get better and they have fun with themselves again, do they get it again or no? Having fun with themselves? What are you talking about? What? You've got to tell me more details. Say that again. You're what?

You're jacking off. Is that what you're saying? Jacking the goalie. Okay, so you're what you're saying? Jacking the goalie. Okay, so you're this sick, but you still jacked the goalie. I'm not saying it happened. I'm just wondering if I'm going to get it again if that did happen. No, you've got to spray your fucking... Why don't you get it again, Ricky? Because it's still on it.

Spray it with Lysol. Well, then you've got to wash your wiener, obviously. All right, mental note. Mental note. Keep scrubbing your hands, your wiener, obviously. Alright, mental note. Mental note, keep scrubbing your hands, your wiener, anything you're gonna be touching. Jesus, Murphy, he comes up with strange fucking questions. Shit, how can you even think about jacking it right now, man? It was my fucking birthday two days ago. Oh yeah, happy birthday, Ricky.

Happy birthday, man. One of these days we'll get to celebrate if I come out of this fucking sickness bullshit. What's happening here? My computer's going all crazy. Oh, my God.

This is fucked. I'm going to have to go back to bed. You know what you've got to do, Bubz? What? I've been in bed for three fucking days.

Let's just have a game of fucking Jeopardy and call it a day. You want to? That's it, man. What are we doing? Let's have a game of Jeopardy. Do we have a fucking Jeopardy about viruses and shit?

Yeah, let's do one of our viruses. Fucking dog holiday, Julian. Nice. I can't get it to work. I wonder if banging would make you feel better. Let's find out. Huh? Let's try it.

I don't want to try it with you, Ricky. I didn't say it with you. It's got to help something. We've got to be able to do something, man, about this shit. How the fuck haven't they come up with a cure for the cold, bubs? Because they're stupid. Because there's over a thousand strains of the bug. I know, but there's got to be something that can, look at, like, Raid.

It's the drug companies. You get Raid spider spray, it'll still kill the whole spot, right? You know what I mean? Yeah. Why can't they come up with something just to fucking kick the shit out of it? Let's try some fucking spider spray. What, like spray it in your mouth? Spray it all over yourself.

Kill it all. Ricky, you're not dousing yourself in fucking pesticide chemicals. That's not gonna help, I'm telling you. Now there's how the disease spreads, right there. Ow, ow. You throw a dirty old Norwalk cap over there, and then the Norwalk vapors are coming off of it. Norwalk cloud, and it's going right into people's lungs.

And then the next thing you know, you've got the zombie apocalypse. All right, bubs, tell me this. If I was to take, like, a little glass or something and throw some spit in it, cap it, keep it for a while, maybe put it in the freezer, like, when Randy gets back to Sunnyvale, he's getting this, man. Oh, man, I love that idea.

You want to do that? Fuck yeah, do I ever. And why don't we just collect all kinds of it, like a big fucking glass of spit. Is it spit? And just keep giving it to him. Would piss be better? Or piss.

Well, probably the best concentrated solution would be, you know, what he was talking about earlier. Well, let's just make a big... Jizz. Pissy, snotty, spit, jizz soup. Now I'm gonna puke, man. Don't ever fucking say that again. Ricky, don't ever string those four words together as long as you live.

Oh, my God. That was hideous. Actually, that's gonna make me puke. That's no, man. That was awful. Oh, I just pictured ladling some of it. Don't bust. No, don't do it. I haven't puked in almost an hour. Don't do this to me, man. That was awful. Oh, I just pictured ladling some of it. Don't bust. No, don't do it. I haven't puked in almost an hour.

Don't do this to me, man. Oh my God, I can't stop fucking shaking. That could be from not drinking alcohol. Or is that a fever, Bubz? Well, that's a fever. He's got a fever. Rick, do you want me to take your temperature? If you can do it. I've only got a fever. Ricky, do you want me to take your temperature? If you guys can do it. I've only got a rectal thermometer, though.

What is that? It's the one you put in your ears. Why does it have to go in your ears? Well, because it's a rectal thermometer. Who would fucking invent that? What do you mean? It's the most accurate place to take your temperature. Or is it a place you prefer to put a thermometer, Bubbs? What is it? I don't prefer...

Under the time it's just as fucking good, isn't it? I don't prefer to put it anywhere. I thought there was like an ear one. There's an ear one nowadays, yeah, but I... Why don't we get one of those instead of going around ramming thermometers in people's irises, Bubbs? Rectal still, though, I think is the best method. You would do that. I'll get an ear thermometer

and we'll take some temperature. Okay. I remember being a little kid and I remember getting that done to me. So it was probably just something some weird doctor invented so that he could stick it up kids' asses. Hopefully not. Yeah, fuck.

Ricky. That guy should be in jail. I think you've got the zombie disease. You're going to turn here shortly. You didn't get bit by a person. Just a fucking weird bug. Bob, there's no such thing as zombies. And if I get even worse, you come out with a fucking wooden stake.

I'll just tell you, if I believe that you're turning, I will put something through your skull, son. I almost killed my son-in-law. I thought he was turning. Yeah, that's, it doesn't happen. Well, it looked like he was, Ricky. I mean, he turned red and all his hair fell out. That was fucked.

And he was moaning constantly. Didn't the Nazis do fucking experiments and shit with, you know, turning people into like... Yes, they tried to turn people into zombies. To zombies, right? Yeah. Killing machines. Yeah. Fuck. Well, boys, I feel

like I'm starting to get my suit penetrated here by the Norwalk. Well, you know what? I'm going to bed. I'm the fuck out of here. I think you should put yourself in quarantine. I will. You get in your bedroom what? I'm going to bed. I'm the fuck out of here. I think you should put yourself in quarantine. I will. You get in your bedroom, and then I'm gonna seal you in there with heavy plastic. Drop sheets.

Do it, please. Shrink wrap me in my car. Shrink, please shrink wrap him in his car. Ricky, you should get in, uh, you should get into a trailer with a bedroom that I can seal you in. Sure, man, Whatever you want. All right, Bubs. It's not gonna be easy to shrink right here. I will do this, but can you please take some samples of our fucking fluids?

So we can fucking get Randy. Which fluids? What fluids are you asking me to take? I'm just gonna spit in something. Maybe I'll take a piss in one. But if you want to get the other thing from him... Why would I be collecting this? You can collect that yourself. Because you know how to do it, man. You know how to take care of it afterwards.

I'm not a doctor. I'll put it in the freezer for you. Alright, make sure you spray my fucking my dinger here. Please. Spray your dinger? That thing. Get it out. Get it out. I'll spray your dinger here, please. Spray your dinger. That thing. Get it out.

Get it out, I'll spray your dinger. All right, I guess... We're done. Next time we're going to be feeling hopefully better. Oh, man. Next time we're either going to be dead or 100%. Well, if we're dead, there's no next time, Ricky. We're not going to be sitting here dead. Well, you'll be okay. You'll be doing this yourself, bud.

No, if you guys are dead, I'm not doing it. Have an open casket funeral for the next one. Party with us. No, that'd be a great podcast. Two caskets right here. Two caskets laid out. That'd be just lovely. Just freeze us, man. Three if we can get Randy in time.

Oh, my God. Oh, it in time. Oh, my God. Oh, it's starting. Oh, my God, I just had a cough. A little tickler in your throat? Yes. You're fucked. You're fucked. Oh, my fuck.

We'll be getting better, and you'll be feeling like this, bud. All right. Tune in next week when hopefully we're not dead. Bye-bye. Bye bye.