Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 19 - The Boys In The Hall

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

Ricky's french horn practice is interrupted by a surprise visitor - Bruce McCulloch from The Kids In The Hall! He tells the Boys about his tough childhood being raised by a cigarette machine. Also: Sucking off a truck, Bubbles' Elvis facts, and cuddling a cow!

Whoa. Do you know this one, man? This is the one I just learned. Do you know that one? No, man. Come on, man. That was second. Just a second.

Very obvious. Listen again. This is the third level. Smoke on the water. Yeah! All right, do another song. You're getting better at it. Okay. Just nothing annoying, man.

I've been working on this one. Do the Rocky theme. No. It's close, though. No, no, no. Do the Rock. Try to learn the Rocky one. At least that one won't drive you.

How does that work? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Do the Rocky theme. No. It's close, though. No, no, no.

Do the Rocky. Try to learn the Rocky one. At least that one won't drive you. How does that one go again? I'm the tiger. Right on, man. It's making me play better. Kick it ass, man. It's making me play better. Kickin' ass, buddy.

I'm in the water. It's fucking good. You're like the eye of a fucking... Hey, boys. Hey, man. How's it going? How's it going? Good to show up, huh? Good to be back with you.

Oh, no, no, no. Boys. What is he doing here? I found him down by the pond and he followed me home. He followed you? What are you talking about he followed you? Yeah, just help yourself there. Get whatever you want, drinks, food. What do you mean help yourself?

Last time he ate all my milk. Ricky. Two bucks a beer. That water's $1.50. How you been, guys? Boys, we're just okay. I'm doing great here at the pond. What do you mean you followed you home? Just, yeah, we just saw him at the pond and the next thing you know I'm going home and

there he is behind me. I don't know. Okay. Just let's go do the, we gotta do the thing. With him? Well, yeah. We might as well. You wanna, you wanna be on the thing?

Well, I, it's what I. You want to be on the thing? Well, it's what I do all the time. Okay, yeah. Have a look. Pull up a seat. I don't have a lot of time because I've got another lesson today. I was just doing a tour of all the great cigarette machines in Halifax. And I thought I'd come and see my boys again

and maybe we could get the band back together and crush some heads. What? Uh, okay. What was your favorite cigarette machine? Uh, the one down by the water. The one down... The guy was living in it.

Jesus. Julian. What, just a second. Fuck. Can you sit up here, please, just in case there's an incident? So you were hanging out at the pond? Both you guys?

I was, yeah. You know, the pond there and there's the utility shed with the cigarette machine. Okay. Staring into the cigarette machine like it was a black hole or something. I was just doing some thinking, you know. Guy gets, turns 30, 31, he starts doing a little thinking about life. Yeah. A few mistakes he might have made.

And I just thought it was time for the kids in the hall for us to all get back together. The what? The kids in the hall. Where are the other fellas? Like, you don't think... Are we those guys? No. Which one of trucks is he

I don't know yeah no we're um yeah yeah not the kids no you are... That's where, yes, you are. But we're not. Okay. Well, I'm glad I came to Halifax for that. Wow. I think you need to go stare at some more cigarette machines and figure out something. No, no, you can stay now. I mean, you're not going to do anything nuts or anything, are you? No, I just want to see what you guys are up to.

Do you want some raspberry flavored stuff? Here, squeeze that into his face a little bit. That's not real, man. I'm just joking. He's fucked up. You might think it's real. Did you know that raspberry flavor comes out of a beaver's anal gland? I did not know that. It's true. You can look it up. They're vicious fucking animals.

One of these could fucking kill you easily. They'd go right through your throat and eat the shit out of you. They're fucking vicious. People don't think beavers are cute and tame. No, they're fucking wild animals. They're ferocious. I don't know if I agree with that. They've killed people, bud. They've killed lots of people, man. Okay, so are you gonna do the...

We've never really got that down, so it's not really me that came up with it or should do it every weekend. Hey guys, what's going on? This is Park After Dark. Are you talking to us? No, I'm the camera, Ricky. Oh. The people, yes. I saw you fuck that up.

Wave. We got Brooks and Collar with us today. You found staring at a cigarette machine was just kind of fun. Wandering around, looking at cigarette machines. I don't smoke. He thought we were somebody else, I guess. You don't smoke, you just,

what is it about the machines that you like? Is it the mechanics of them? It's the beauty of it, you know? You guys know I probably had a pretty rough childhood. I was actually raised by a cigarette machine. I did not know that. Yeah, so, you know, after me mom left, my dad had to, you know, do something. And you don't smoke, wow.

Yeah. Were you raised by two cigarette machines? No, just my dad and a cigarette machine that he'd call Connie. Okay. Yeah. It's all starting to make sense now? Yeah, so. Yeah, I think I would have started smoking for sure if that was my mom.

Where was the cigarette machine at night? Oh, it was... She just stayed down by the couch watching her shows, you know? She never got in bed with him, did she? No, no. So there was no banging going on? They were just friends. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

People that bang cigarette machines, they should have fucking... Don't push the man. I'm just saying, banging a cigarette machine is a really weird fucking thing to do. He didn't say it was banging. He had a fucking cigarette machine in his house. No, I'm saying that my dad loved the cigarette machine. I wish I had a cigarette machine. It was just a love replacement.

You know what? I saw a video where this chick was sucking off the fucking exhaust pipe of her truck and she was getting off on it. Same kind of deal. Cigarette machines, exhaust pipes. What exactly did you Google to find that? How big was her mouth? It was big.

And it was one of those fucking, one of those trucks, the diesel ones with the big exhaust. No, there's no fucking way. And her husband was sitting there watching her do it, crying. The cuckold. He was being cuckolded. He was being cuckolded by a diesel truck. Exactly. I bet you can't find that.

Oh, do you want to see me find it? I think you dreamed that one out. I'm going to find it. Boys, you want to hear a crazy fact that I found? Depends. Will it make me... You're going to love this, Ricky. Okay, good.

I want to hear it then. You tell me the science behind this. When a bald eagle loses a feather, Yeah, I already heard it. it automatically ejects the same feather on its opposite side so that it maintains its balance. Of course it does. It's like a PEZ machine, a little PEZ dispenser.

Not exactly. I mean, if a feather blows out of here, he ejects this one. You'd have to, or you'd start going into a spin. But I didn't even know they could eject them with their mind. You'd have to, or you'd start going into a spin. But I didn't even know they could eject them with their mind. Well, it's like if you lost an arm, you'd have to get rid of this one. Yeah, but you couldn't just look at it and eject it.

I bet there was a day when you could. No, man. There's not a chance. And then they're supposed to grow back, but they don't. Stupid. A feather's a lot different than a fucking arm. You're not going to eject ann. Does the feather grow back? No. That's it? You get one feather for life in that region.

That's it, man. You lose feathers, you're fucked. I guess that's why they call them bald eagles, because they eventually go bald. You ever done drugs? Um... To the extent that... I've dabbled. You know, when...

You know, only in high-pressure situations and probably as a response to things in my life, but only or if I'm bored or really excited. But other than that, no other time. Pretty much all the time. Same here. Well, did your father ever do LSD? Did you ever, like, acid?

Or did the cigarette machine? Well, that's what I'm trying to get to, because you're banging the cigarette machine, you're on acid. There was no banging, they're friends. He, he. I bet you he fingered it. I bet you he fingered it.

Well then you have to to get the cigarette out. I think we've all fingered a cigarette machine. I have. You'd have to to get the cigarette out. That's where it starts, and then he starts tonguing it and doing all kinds of weird things. It sounds like you're having a strange attraction to a cigarette machine. I watched the chick with the exhaust pipe

and her husband crying. It says here that it's impossible to hum while holding your nose, but I can do it. Mmm. Mmm, that is decent. Do it again. Do it louder, though. Mmm. You're not humming. What is it?

Smoke on the water. I can do it, too. You just let your, as long as your mouth expands with air, you can do it. It's not good. It's not as easy. It is a weird one. Why can't you? Well, because air needs to escape. Yeah, because it's coming out of your nose, man. Can you hum with an open mouth?

You're not humming. You're singing. I'm not humming. I'm singing. I'm singing. I'm singing. I'm singing. I'm singing.

I'm singing. I'm singing. I'm singing. I'm singing. I'm singing. I'm singing. I'm singing. nose man. Can you hum with an open mouth? You're not humming, you're singing. Now try to hum. Let me try. La la la la la la la. Was that pretty good? That was... That was great humming. That was really good humming. Yeah, that was excellent humming. Did you find the sock-off? I'm still fucking looking. Okay, can you second? Tailpipe sock-off video?

We started humming. Speaking of humming. Shit. So she's giving the truck a hummer? Was the truck a hummer? It's on this Instagram, man. It was clearly a Ford F-150. Giving a hummer to a hummer.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to see it. We already talked about that, didn't we? Nope. You did not see this, man. You found it? Fuck yeah, I found it. What's it on?

Pornhub? No, man. It's not on Pornhub. Check this shit out. What did you search? Sex with trucks? Nope. Check this out.

She's sucking on the exhaust pipe of a truck. And her husband's not happy. Get a look at that. That's for realsies. Yeah, the poor thing, she's got problems. Like, that's fucking disgusting. She's got problems. Is it running? Look, buddy's crying.

It's running? It's running, man. Oh, my God, she's gonna die. Good. Well, you can't suck on a running tailpipe. You think when he does his hair in the tailpipe how sick he gets and he's not even sucking on it. We've got some audio here. Yep, just pulled right over, she's sucking away, but he's crying. Somebody's revving it up.

Yeah. What the f... Wait, buddy's crying. Somebody's revving it up. Yeah. What the fuck? See, that's fucked. What she's trying to say, if he liked it, he should have put a ring on it. And that's her way of saying, like, I thought we were going to get married at some point. But he's also saying, I thought you were going to do that to me. Then I'll put a ring on it if you do do it to me.

But you're doing it to our truck. Do you really want her to after that? Well, she might be a nice person, man. I'm not saying she isn't, but I mean. You're going to feel pretty small. I think what he should do is get her off the tailpipe, put her in the passenger seat, and drive her to the mental hospital. Or get her to, I don't know, trade your car in for one of those little Fiat's with the smaller exhaust pipes.

That's not going to solve anything. It's going to help you out, man. It's not going to solve anything. You've got to take her down to the hospital and say, my wife's sucking off my truck. Yeah. Something's not right here. She's not sucking me off. No, I wouldn't even add that, Ricky. That's irrelevant.

That's to the couples therapist, you say that. I guess, yes. Yes, that's down the road. That's later, after you've cured the track fixation. I guess you shouldn't knock it till you try it. Well, how come no one's blaming the truck? Well, there's a good reason. Yeah?

The truck? It's like trying to blame the cigarette machine. The truck could be partially at fault, I guess, depending on how it was looking. It was a nice-looking truck. Yeah, but it could have been just dangling its exhaust pipe, just teasing people. No, man.

No. No. Negative. Fuck, city people are stupid. People that live in the city, they're dumb. No. No. Negative. Fuck, city people are stupid. People that live in the city, they're dumb. Check the, right now you can go to this place to cuddle a cow for 75 bucks an hour. It relaxes you.

Who the fuck wants to cuddle a cow and pay 75 bucks? Maybe it's a Wagyu farm. What does that make you? Beef gets massaged. That makes no difference at all, Bubz. Is your mom one of them? It's, you know what they're probably doing? I bet you it's a Wagyu farm. They're making money on the people cuddling it.

And then... Massaging the meat. Massaging the meat. They're making money on the massagers. Instead of having to pay them, they're getting paid. Nope, it's just some people fucked up in New York. Have you ever cuddled a cow? I've cuddled... I've been to petting zoos of all kinds.

Little ferrets are kind of sweet to cuddle, or a nice peacock to put your arm around and- A peacock? Tell your dreams to. Who the fuck cuddles a peacock? Are they soft? Well, they're sweet. No, man.

Haven't you ever walked around with a couple hedgehogs on your shoulders? Makes you feel like a million bucks. They're gnarly fucking animals. They go, ah, ah. And you try to touch them and they, don't fuck with me. You've had hedgehogs on your shoulders makes you feel like a million bucks. They're gnarly fucking animals. They go, ah, ah. And you try to touch them and they, don't fuck with me. You've had hedgehogs on your shoulders?

Yeah. I like hedgehogs. I've never had one, but I like them. I've never had a hedgehog on my shoulder. Who's that? 75 bucks an hour. Who would do that? It doesn't look that bad, actually.

It looks relaxing. It looks relaxing. You ever smell a cow? Cows are dumb, man. Cows are really dumb. I don't think they're as dumb as you think. They're not as dumb as you, but they're pretty close. How many stomachs do they have?

There's a fact for you. Fucking eight or something. Six. I know a lobster has three. A lobster? Yeah. I know a centipede has a hundred. Really?

That's legs. Oh, I thought it was stomachs. It could be both. Maybe there's legs, is there stomachs? A centipede doesn't have a hundred stomachs. He's got one. You also have to pay to cuddle a bale of hay at that weird farm?

You can do that. You can, man. Yeah, that's a weird cuddle farm. The cuddle farm. Christ. Oh, let's cuddle some oven mitts for 30 bucks. Look at these people. About to get divorced.

Boom. They cuddled a cow. They fixed them. They fixed them. They're banging. They're healthy. They're awesome. They're happy.

The guy with the diesel truck should take his wife there. Yeah. Let her cuddle a cow. It might work. Do things to it. Oh, yeah. No, actually, you shouldn't put her next to a cow. Because he's got a...

This guy? Crackhead. Is he on crack right now? No. He's cuddling a fucking cow for 75 bucks. Well, then it's worth it. He would have spent a lot more money on crack. There might be something to this thing, man.

And there's lots of cows around here. All he needs is you should just get a nice set of kitties. Hey, you want to hear something fucked? Did you know that elephants are excellent swimmers? Yes, I did. I didn't know that. Everybody knows that. You think they just swim?

Oh, everybody knows it, do they? How far can they swim then, mister? I know everything about fucking elephants. One and a half fucking miles. How many? One and a half miles. Bullshit. Bullshit?

48 kilometers. Okay. Well, there you go. They're great swimmers. Okay, well, there you go. Looks like halfway around the world. I watched a fucking elephant swim for a mile and a half, okay? I don't have time to watch them swim 48 miles. Where the fuck did you watch an elephant swim for a mile and a half? On TV. How long did it take?

I don't know, man. You know how they edit shit. They speed things up. Your mom at the beach doesn't count. That's real funny. Fucking nailed you. 48 kilometers they can swim, and then they can... That's six hours nonstop, and then they can rest without sinking.

How long is their banging session? I don't know. I know rhinoceros is three hours. That's what I heard. For banging? Yep. It doesn't look very comfortable for a lady. I'll find out.

Nobody can bang for three hours. Rhinoceros can. Other than Peter North or Ron Jeremy. Oh, I could. Elephants. Rick. If I had a good meal. Do you know in the Philipines,

McDonald's serves spaghetti? The Philippines. Yeah, I guess you could say it that way too. McDonald's, what's it called? McSpaghetti? McGeddy. McGeddy. I don't know, I didn't ask that part.

Whoa. You just got the basic facts. I wish they had it here, though. It might be good. Have you ever been to the Philippines? Uh, yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Did you go to McDonald's? Uh, there was no McDonald's there. I went as an exchange student. Oh, okay. I got to stay with another family that... A Filipino family. A Filipino family. Probably.

Nice few of them, and I had myself a lovely time. What kind of language do they speak? Um, I do they speak? I think they speak Spaniscio. Spaniscio. I like the name of that. Spaniscio del Toro. Spaniscio. Elephants bang for up to two minutes, just so you guys know.

Two minutes? That's it? That's lame. The rhinos go forever, elephants remain. That feels like that would accomplish what they need to accomplish. I mean, after a long swim like that, how much energy do you have? So they're just like people. If you had a six-foot wang, you probably wouldn't want to go more than two minutes either. Well, maybe they use the trunks

to get some shit going beforehand, you know? They don't use trunks. I betcha they do. You think they use the trunk for what? Well, just rubbing areas and, you know, getting things going. Heating it up a bit so you can, for two minutes. It's not just a get on top and go kind of thing, I bet.

It could blow you. The what? What the hell? The trunk. Well, the trunk is a nose, right, Ricky? It doesn't blow air on it. It's a nose. So what do you blow an air on?

The dude or the chick? Both. So they just sit there and blow each other with their noses. This was your idea, man. I'm just trying to figure out how it works. He's just trying to make it sweet. Like you kind of made it a bit dirty, no offense. So now he's talking about fucking the trunk.

dirty no offense so now he's talking about fucking the trunk you know that makes it a little nicer and more you know satisfying and gentle it eventually will get into the trunk going right into an ass or something really okay let's down the throat or up around the this got a little the bottom off side i think they love each other so i'm thinking it's more romantic. Yeah, me too. No, man. It's the wild. No, elephants can cry, man. Did you ever see a tiger bang? Watch that. We're talking about elephants, man.

I know, but tigers can cry. They're banging and they're biting and they're clawing. They're fucking ferocious, man. It's vicious. Ever seen two roadies make love? It's the same thing. Roadies? Yeah, with their guts hanging out and they're kissing each other and they've had a hard day. They make love? It's the same thing. Roadies? Yeah, with their guts hanging out and they're kissing each other and they've had a hard day.

They make love? Roadies make love? Oh, they make terrible love. Okay. Cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. That's where Bad Company's song, I Feel Like Making Love, came from. They wrote that about their roadies. Feel like making...

Do a roadie. You know the Three Musketeers bar? You know why it's called that? I didn't know this. I didn't know there was a bar. Oh, a chocolate bar. It used to come with three flavors. No. And what came first, the bar or the little Crusaders?

The Musketeers? Yeah. They came before the chocolate bar. Way before, man. Okay. I believe. Yeah, man. Three musketeers?

What's your favorite type of chocolate bar? There's a question. Who, me? Yes. Quick. Wonder bar. Yours? Score bar.

Oh, fuck. I changed mine to score bar. I want Wonder bar. Wonder bar. No, I'm changing it back to Wonder Bar. Okay. Can I have Wonder Bar, too? No.

I'm taking O. Henry. Oh, you can have O. Henry. You're taking O. Henry, are you? Where are you taking him? You've got to watch yourself, Bruce, when you're around these guys. Where are you taking him? When you're seeing him. Throw her in your ears.

See, that's dirty. Now you're talking about dirty shit. O. Henry. That's very dirty. I'm just teasing you. It looks like something that would come out of your arse. Holy fuck, boys. There's a small village by southern Poland. This little fucking village, there's like,

there's no guys getting born here. There's just like girls. It's because of the water. Well, it might be, but you go there, you can pick up a chick and get married if you want easily because there's no guys. It's because of the water. Well, it might be, but you go there, you can pick up a chick and get married if you want easily, because there's no guys. Let's go. I want to go. I'll go there right now. Poland.

Didn't we look up the flights to Poland before for something? No, that was the North Poland. We're going to go see Santa. No, we're going to the South Poland. What are you talking about? Hey, listen to this, boys. You know that smell that grass gives off when you're cutting it?

No. Yeah. You know, fresh cut grass. Yeah, but I thought that was from the mower. No, that's the grass. I didn't know that. You know what it is? What?

It's a distress signal. You're basically smelling the grass, screaming in pain. It's a distress signal. No, it is the grass, screaming in pain. It's a distress signal. No, it isn't. Don't cut me. Don't cut me. No, man. Yes. No.

Why does it smell so nice? Makes you want to do it more. Well, it's not a very good distress signal then, is it? No, they're dumb. What's an anagram? What? What the fuck is an anagram? What? What the fuck is an anagram? That's a good question.

Do you know what an anagram is? Albert Eisenstein? Yeah. It says it's an anagram for ten elite brains. Oh, it's where you can rearrange the letters. Why don't they just say that? Because that would be a pretty long word then. Yeah. the letters why don't they just say that because that'd be a pretty long word then yeah you can't

make a word called rearrange the letters to make another word it's an anagram is queen elizabeth one one is that the queen today the second queen the second that's roman numeral two ricky not eleven not one one her cows cows sleep on water beds. No, they don't. Her cows? Yeah, it says it relaxes them. She has cows? Does she rent them out for 75 bucks an hour?

You couldn't cuddle the queen's cows for 75 bucks. Okay, 150 then. First of all, it would be in pounds, because she's British. Does he pound a cow? No, with the currency you would pay in pounds, you wouldn't get it for 75 bucks, not a royal cow. There's no way, but...

On a waterbed, that's worth at least 200 or 300. Pounds. 200 or 300 pounds with a cow? I don't understand. What did we ingest? I don't know, man. It's 1,700 bucks to fly to Poland, by the way. For a wife, it's not bad.

Yep. How much would you pay to coddle the royal cow in a waterbed? I think I'd pay maybe $1,000. Wow. See? We should start a new business. But you don't own any royal cattle, Ricky. He'd lie.

Let's get a waterbed. You know what? We could have cows and say that Elvis once owned these cows. You'd have all kinds of people. Elvis never owned a cow. Well, you could say that. But people know a lot of things about... I've got some Elvis facts.

I bet I know them all. Do you want to... I bet you don't. I know everything about Elvis, man. Me too. Oh, where are my Elvis facts at? Just wait here. Poor bastard died on a toilet.

He did die on a toilet. He had 64 different types of pills in him. You want to hear some Elvis facts that I bet you didn't know? That's why you never try to force it out. Did you know that Elvis had an identical twin? No. Boy or girl?

A boy, well, identical twin, Ricky. Yeah, but he can be boy or girl. Where is he? Not if it's identical. Is he an Elvis impersonator today? No, he's actually dead.

Oh, he's dead too? Yeah, well, he died. Hopefully he didn't die on the toilet. He shouldn't. He was born around 35 minutes after. His brother was Jesse.

Jesse Presley, and he died at birth. Aw. Oh, everybody died. I thought you were going to have a really nice story. Yeah. Used to play drums for him for a while. That was sad, man. No, no, he died.

Like, he was never alive. So he never really had a twin brother. He did, just not a live one. Well, that would drive a guy to do a bunch of different weird pills maybe later in his life. Well, there you go. See? Dye his hair. Maybe only write three songs. Did you know that Elvis was a black belt in the art of karate?

Yes, and so was Bob Barker. He used to train with him. I didn't know that. Throw that one down. Bob Barker was a black belt? Yes, man. Price is right was Bob Barker. He used to train with him. I didn't know that. Throw that one down. Bob Barker was a black belt? Yes, man. Price is right, Bob Barker. Look it up. Well, how did Happy Gilmore beat the fuck out of him?

He didn't, see, because he's old. He's not as fast as he used to be, but he could kick ass. That's right, Bob did beat the shit out of him. Fucking right he did, because he used to train with Elvis. Pretty sure of it. Didn't know that. That fact's not that great. Elvis never performed

outside of the U.S. or Canada. Did you know that? I didn't. Never played a show in Europe. I knew that. Why? He didn't like them? I don't know.

He probably, why would he? He didn't have to, man. His show should have been nice enough to go over there and play for the people. It's fucking real. That's why the Beatles came over to America, isn't it? Because they were like, holy fuck, check this out.

This place is crazy. Okay, now this is an Elvis fact that I didn't know. Elvis was magic. No, he wasn't. He was a wizard, a ninth level wizard. No, he wasn't. No, I'm just making that up. Elvis was related to Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah, knew that. In what way? Did so. Fourth cousin or something. Elvis married Priscilla Ann Wagner in 67, had a daughter, Lisa Marie. She's hot. Blah, blah, blah. Had an affair with black belt instructor Mike Stone.

Elvis family ties with presidents Jimmy Carter and Abraham Lincoln. Hold on. Did Elvis have an affair with his black belt instructor or his wife? No, no. Priscilla did that? Elvis was a direct descendant of Abraham Lincoln's great great grandfather, Isaiah Harrison. Yes, he was like his fourth or

fifth cousin, like I said. Next. That's pretty cool. Abe Lincoln and Elvis. I thought he was a bad man. Who? Abe. Honest Abe? Okay. With a stovepipe hat? Who freed the slaves? Oh, I thought, okay.

He freed them. That's a good thing. I thought he had them. No, Abe Lincoln was, he's a good fellow. Okay, good. I just thought, I'm thinking of somebody else then. George Washington. he grew a beard because yeah somebody that's

on the money down there had slaves and that was fucked of course that was Jefferson they shouldn't

still be on the money they should be given a big fuck George Jefferson yeah no he no he was on he was with Weezy

he was on what was it called well we're moving on up, moving on up. Different places for different folks. Knight Rider. No, that was Hasselhoff. Okay. George Jefferson was never on Knight Rider, that I know of.

That would have been good if he was. He would have been awesome. Elvis got a Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs badge from Nixon. I knew that. I knew that. He was working for Nexen. Elvis once ate the same meal for two years

straight. What was it? Thai food. Really? No. In his 20s, he told the Country Song Roundup that he could destroy eight deluxe cheeseburgers, two bacon lettuce and tomato sandwiches and three milkshakes in one sitting.

Sounds like Randy. Felt it wasn't a healthy meal. There was also a time where Elvis ate nothing but meatloaf, tomatoes, and mashed potatoes for two years fucking straight. That's a good one. In America, it's called success. Yes. Right?

I'd love to eat meatloaf and mashed potatoes every day. Not every day. Meatloaf the singer? Get it? The meat. The meat. Elvis singer? Get it? The meat. The meat. Elvis once tipped his limo driver. The limo.

Limo. Do you own this limo? Limousine? No, I don't. But it's because it broke down. He said, here, you take the fucking thing. Yeah, I'm done with this piece of shit. Oh, is it?

No, come on. Really? That ruined a fucking very nice story, man. He didn't really tip. Yeah, sorry. He burdened him with it. He burdened him with a dead car. You said he only wrote three songs?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. What were the three songs? So he wasn't that great. Actually, in this set of facts, it says Elvis never wrote a single song. Jesus Christ. So it was just a strikingly...

He recorded more than 600 songs, but he did not write a single song. Oh, he just... It was just a strikingly... He recorded more than 600 songs, but he did not write a single song. Oh, he just... It was just a strikingly good looks? He was given co-writing credit on many songs because his label demanded 50%. But there you go. He was not a big songwriter. So what was he, just a sex machine? Just an entertainer moving from town to town,

except for anywhere that is outside of North America. There you go. He was the king of rock and roll. He was the king of rock and roll. That's right. What have we learned? That the king was awesome, even though he had some problems. We are not the kids in the hall, we learned that.

Some people like to bang machines and fall in love with them. Yeah. The eagles can eject their feathers. Elephant sex can be more beautiful than cruel. Yes. Even though it's only two minutes long, should be a rhinoceros, watch them for a bit. Ricky likes several different types of chocolate bars.

And that's about it. All right. I'm done. And lots of things about Elvis. It was a good day. So are you going to head back to the cigarette machines? Yeah, I'm just going to go look at things and sort of think a few thoughts. I might come with you because I'm out of cigarettes. Okay, well.

Guys, go get some smokes. We'll stay here, bubs. We'll see you next week on Perk After Fucking Dark. Biatches! Follow your dreams. What?