Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 20 - Dopeless & Buzzonless in Boston

Episode Date: December 17, 2015

The Boys are podcasting without a permit in Boston! Before they get arrested, they talk about weird Boston facts, Trevor's nipple frostbite, space planes, and why Ricky wants a cock transplant! Episode 20 is brought to you by Liquormen's Ol' Dirty Canadian Whisky - now available in Nova Scotia!  

All right, boys. This podcast, number what? This is... Number 20. Number 20. We're still down in the U.S. We got to do this quick. We have no fucking permit.

Well, Pops, you're looking like you're suspicious right now. I'm not looking suspicious. I am relaxed. We're in Boston, Massachusetts. Ricky like you're suspicious right now. I'm not looking suspicious. Relax, Pete. I am relaxed. Relaxing, I bet. We're in Boston, Massachusetts. Ricky. Here in the park. Rick, Rick, wake up.

I thought you were looking at something on the ground. You asleep? We're doing the broadcast. We're in Boston. December 18th. Nice one, Ricky. Is it? Go ahead and look at this.

So we're in the park here in Boston. One week till Christmas. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ricky. That's a really nice thing. Here's the first thing I want to talk about. See over my shoulder there? See that big Christmas tree back there in the park here in Boston?

Yes. Came from Nova Scotia. Really? They shipped the fucking thing down. Another thing you guys may not know, but I actually pissed on that tree before they cut it down. That has my piss on it. How do you know that's the tree? It's the tree, man.

They were out scouting for trees. I got an inside scoop, but that's the one right there. Went over and pissed on it. So hold the fuck on here. They grew the tree in Nova Scotia? They grew it. Or they grew it here from a seed from Nova Scotia? No, they grew it.

They grew it in Nova Scotia. And they cut it down and they shipped it over here, man. What the fuck do they grew it here from a seed from Nova Scotia. No, they grew it. No, they grew it in Nova Scotia. And they cut it down and they shipped it over here, man. They shipped it here. What the fuck do they ship it in? A ship? Because it's fucking huge. Of course they shipped it in a fucking ship. That's why it's called shipping.

They shipped it. Okay, because I was going to say, there's no way that's fitting on a fucking truck. No, they wrap it up. You know, they put it through the tree holder and it sucks it in. You know, it's only that big around, probably. So it's like a big Christmas tree condom. They put it in.

They roll it like a big weed joint, basically. Roll her tight. When the fuck are we giving the tree to Boston? Not that it's a bad thing. It all started back in, what, 1749, when we first settled there. You know, a bunch of businesses wanted to come down from here to Nova Scotia.

So to be nice to these motherfuckers up here, we said, hey, we're going to cut down a Christmas tree and give it to you guys if you settle down here. And they did it. It just caught on, man. It's basically the, you know, just a brief explanation. So we've been giving them trees for 400 fucking years. Is that what you're telling me? And we haven't stopped.

That's how fucking nice we are, I guess. Do they give us anything back? They came down and they settled, man. Green tea? There's lots of Irish and stuff that are in Nova Scotia. You think they came from Boston? No, no, no, no. We're just trying to get people to come and open up businesses.

You know what I mean? Okay, you guys are fucked. Well, you know what? I don't give a fuck about history. I'm just trying to fucking give you guys some facts. I do, I'm very interested in this whole tree thing, but I guess we'll talk about it another time. I don't know much about it. Well, what would you like to talk about it, Ricky? Now's the time.

This is the whole point of the podcast is to, you know, talk about shit, so. I just find it strange that we're giving a tree to Boston every year and they put it up in their park. Like, don't they have their own trees? They probably got better trees than our trees. Oh, my fuck. Anyway, it's a good thing.

I'm really happy. I really don't give a fuck. I pissed on the trees. You guys feel the ground rumbling? Yeah. What's that all about? Earthquake. Felt like a little mini earthquake.

Shit quake. It's a subway, man. The subway's here. All right, but talking about earthquakes and shit, this is a good fact, boys. A deadly wave of molasses once flooded the North End here in Boston. What? Yeah, on January 15th, 1990,

a storage tank hold more than 2 million... 1990? 1919. Oh, 1919. Oh, I thought you said 1990. A storage tank hold more than 2 million gallons of molasses burst, sending a giant wave of that hot syrupy substance

through the north end of Boston. It killed 21 fucking people. Oh, fuck. Several horses and other people were dead. And there's, you know, I just... That's not funny, Ricky. Fuck off, helicopter. I don't know whether to believe that one.

I'm not laughing, but it just... It kind of, you know, caught me off guard. What a shitty way to die. Oh, man. Fucking wave of molasses. Drowning in molasses. I mean, and you'd probably die a lot faster drowning on molasses. That shit getting all in your lungs and stuff. Why was it hot, though?

I don't understand. Hot molasses, Ricky. They keep it hot in the tanks. Just so they can get it out. So she doesn't, you know, harden up. Man, what a fuck-up that is. That's a fucking shitty way to die. Horrible.

Unless you really liked the taste of molasses. But I mean, couldn't you see it coming? Like, it's not like it would be running like a fucking river. Molasses goes like this. Maybe not if it's hot, though. That's where they fucked up. They should have kept it cold. Yeah, cold molasses would never be

able to flood you and kill you. Nope. So they fucked up. Unless you were really big. If you had a body stone and you could see it coming but you couldn't move, that would suck. I'd have to see video or something. I'd have to recreate it or do something for me to believe it.

Alright, Merry Christmas everybody. Good night. No Ricky, you can't. Ricky. Pups, again, we're down in the U.S. sitting here doing these fucking podcasts. We should be getting drunk. Well, read your other fact about happy hour. Okay. Did you read that? Happy hour.

Happy hour is illegal in Boston. Did you know that, Ricky? What was it? Happy hour is illegal in Boston. Why? Happy hour is the greatest time of the day for drinking. Yeah, but, I mean, yeah, and you're not allowed to post any signs for drink deals and shit, but I think that's all over the fucking place, isn't it? You're not allowed to post, like, you know, 25-cent draft or whatever.

That's stupid, man. I don't know. Fuck it. I don't care. What's the big deal? Like, you're gonna drink anyway. Who gives a fuck if there's a sign up about it or... So they don't have drink deals here? Well, fuck drinking. Let's just go get some more dope. There's lots of dope here. or... So they don't have drink deals here? Well fuck drinking, let's just go get some more dope. There's lots of dope here. This whole park smells like fucking weed.

Holy fuck, boys. I think I just saw Mark Wahlberg. That wasn't Mark. What are you talking about? That was, I think that was Mark Wahlberg. That was a chick, you dummy. Was that Mark Wahlberg? They do live here.

They might, well... They could have a female version. Holy fuck, that thing's fucking, Mark Wahlberg? They do live here. They might... They could have a female version. Holy fuck, that thing's... Fucking squirrel just freaked me out. It's fast. Mark! No, it's not him.

No. Fucking look like him though. I thought that was him. What else you got there, big fella? I mean, it's all fucking boring, man. It's, you know, Fenway Park, OK? They actually patented the shade Fenway Green. It's theirs.

Yeah, well, there you go. That's fascinating. Fenway Park's pretty badass, I have to say. First chocolate factory was built here in the US. The first what? Chocolate factory. OK. You didn't need a driver's license to drive around here

when they first had cars, which is kind of cool. Which is awesome. They shouldn't have changed that. They fucked that up. I didn't know this. This is kind of cool. The first subway system was built here in Boston. I thought maybe it would have been in New York. I did not know that either. I would have thought New York or Paris.

Paris isn't in. Paris isn't in the U.S. I thought New York or Paris. Paris isn't in. Paris isn't in the US already. Oh, we're just talking about that country, okay? You're so stupid, man. Well, this is exciting stuff. Really, really impressed, guys. Great idea, Bob. Sit here in the park and do a-

This podcast sucks! It is the worst fucking podcast we've ever done. I disagree. I think I'm having a very enjoyable time. We were supposed to have a guest. He backed out. You should be drunk and high, at least, to do the podcast. Dopeless and buzz-on-less in Boston. Remember back in the days when we'd get all fucked up and do podcasts and have fun?

Yeah, I never said you couldn't get fucked up. Who's stopping you? Not me. Well, you wouldn't let us look. Who's stopping you? Not me. Well, you wouldn't let us look for shit. You wouldn't let me go get drunk. No, we gotta shoot

the podcast. Let's go see Sam and Woody and get a drink. Here, just wait. I'll show you a fact that I read. I bet Sam Malone knows where to get

fucking weed in this city. The first penis transplants in the U.S. are set to be performed next year. What the fuck is that all about? That's what it says here. So there's basically, you want to swap out your cock, you can come to Boston and they'll give you a new one? It's just for like a cock enlargement? You don't like your cock, you want a bigger one?

No, it's a transplant, Ricky. For people with cock problems? Or people that don't have cocks? Or their cocks are broken? Or burnt cocks? I don't know, I'm not the fucking spokesman for fucking Cocks USA. Well, you've got to talk about a transplanted cocks. You've got to have a bit more information.

I just read the headline. I didn't fucking say I was going to be doing the transplant. Well, sign me up. Fuck it. You know what? My fly's down. I'm going to walk around all day with my fucking fly down. Thanks for telling me, boys.

I didn't notice. I thought it was funny, so I didn't want to tell you. Thanks a lot. Would you get a cock transplant? Just for the hell of it, or no? Would I get a cock? Just for the hell of it? That's a big thing you've got to think about, Ricky.

Ricky, you don't get a fucking transplant of anything just for the hell of it. Well, just to be one of the people that say, you know, I had one. They can do it. Look, check it out. It works. And could you, would you have to stick with the same collar or could you get a different colored one?

What color would you want? Maybe like a, you know, maybe they'd put a big black one on a fella. Big black mamba. Maybe. What if your body rejected the cock, though? It would probably... That wouldn't be good cock, though? It would probably... That wouldn't be good, because then...

It would probably dry up like it would, like, what do they call it, frostbite? Just snap right off. Like a whole banana. That happened to one of Trevor's nipples. He lost a nipple? It just got frostbitten so bad it flaked off. I didn't know that, man.

Trevor's nipple never came off. There's not much of it left. Ricky, what are you talking about? How big was her first nipple? I missed that fucking guy. I wish he was still around. How do you know his nipple came off? His half flaked off nipples.

How do you know that happened? He passed out in the snowbank, no shirt on, on his fucking right side. Maybe it was his left side. And his nipple got fucking so frostbitten, it was like black and purple, and it started flaking off a few days later. I don't know how I didn't know that. Maybe he should come to Boston and get a nipple transplant. They're just doing cocks right now, man.

They're not doing nipples yet. Well, nipples gotta be a lot easier than a cock. Oh, nipples. They've been doing nipples for years. Well, why don't you look it up, see if they do it? I almost got a nipple transplant one time. What? The big silver dollar ones? The big ones?

No, no. The Aunt Jemima pancake nipples? You look good with pancake nipples, Bob. I don't have pancake nipples. I got tiny little, tiny little things. Little rosebuds? Yeah, that's right. Why don't you get one out and show everybody?

I'm not getting out my nipples. Why would I do that? Little glass cutters. I don't, I'm not doing that. All right, here, you know what? We're going to get off the nipple fucking topic. Since it's almost Christmas, here in Boston, you couldn't celebrate Christmas between 1659 and 1648.

It was against the law because the pilgrims believed it to be... Just hold on a second. 1659 to 1648? 1681, man. Oh, wow. Because they believed it was a corrupted holiday, which is pretty fucked up. So they just skipped Christmas? See, people were stupid back then, man. They were way dumber than you, right? Were they? Or were they fucking smarter than everybody? Yeah, I guess they didn't have to waste a bunch of money on Christmas gifts and everything, which is good. I guarantee you, you would have fit in well back then, Ricky.

Ricky, you wouldn't have been spending money on Christmas gifts back in 1659. What, did they make them? Well, yeah, you couldn't just go to fucking Macy's and buy stuff. There was no stores like that. Nothing? Well, I mean, what are you gonna go to? Must have been a fur trading post. Yeah, okay, you go have been a fur trading post.

Yeah, OK. You go down to the fur trading post and buy somebody a fucking squirrel pelt for Christmas, I guess. You could. All right, here's another one. I'm glad I'm doing all the fucking work here today, boys. Yeah, for the first time ever, Julian is fucking working. It is a lot like Nova Scotia.

Here's another way. Boston gave us candle pin bowling. We were at Brooklyn Bowl last week, right? They had the big balls where you put the fingers in, which you loved. You were getting off the trunk saying, oh, look at this, boys, I'm fingering this thing. Did you bowl?

Not well. I didn't bowl. Anyway, they started candle pin bowling here, man. And we've got it in Nova Scotia. Candle pins, the smaller balls? Yeah, man, in the 10. Okay, see? So we give them Christmas trees, and they give us bowling. It's a fair swat.

That's a pretty good deal. Yeah, that's a pretty good deal. It's not a bad deal. Here, you want to... I'm the one with the better facts. Well, you guys get some more facts, and I'm just gonna have a little... Listen to this one, Ricky.

You all relate to this. Fuck. The world's most expensive substance is set to retail for $200 million a gram. A substance? What? Like a drug? No, it just says a substance. The structure's called endohedral fullerenes. Will be used in mobile systems that could revolutionize GPS and make it accurate

within one millimeter. 200,000 million? 200 million dollars a gram. Wow. Imagine that's, you know, a gram a hash. How do you make it? Can you grow it? Let's get into that business.

I don't think, I think it's pretty complicated stuff, Ricky, and I'm pretty sure they don't let, they don't give out the recipe to it if they're charging that much for it. It's not much a gram though, like what could you really use it for that people could afford? Well, they just use like micrograms of it to put in GPSs and things, I guess. I don't fucking know. That's insane. I'd like to be the guy that invented that fucking drug. Yeah, especially if you were selling kilos of it.

Yeah, you make a lot more off that than weed or hash, that's for sure. Well, Ricky, you'd never get your weed up to a fucking 100 million a gram. No, it'd have to be pretty damn good. Bubs, get this. I wonder if you could smoke that stuff. What? I wonder if you could smoke the $200,000,000 a gram. No, they use it in science, man. It's for GPS and shit.

It's good with GPS. I bet it would fuck you up pretty bad, though. Ricky, you wouldn't want to smoke it. Why would you smoke it? Why wouldn't you sell it back to somebody and make $200 million? Well, sometimes that stuff, you know, if it works good for something like that, it might work good for something like a buzz arm.

Expensive fucking buzz arm. I know, but that's what I mean. Would the buzz arm be that good that it's worth $200 million? No. One doesn't know until one tries, I guess. Ricky? Ricky, why wouldn't you just sell, you know, half of it for $100 million, smoke the other half,

and then spend the $100 million on, like, tons and tons of hash? That's a good idea. Thank you. Oh, fuck. That better a good idea, thank you. Oh, fuck. That better not be for us. No, he's going by. No, he's going by. All right, good.

We're good. We're good, boys. I can't believe we haven't been kicked out of here yet. This is totally illegal. No permits to be doing this. Pups, you can't scare us. If you're going to collect a shopping cart in Boston, you call it a shopping cart. If you're asking directions to the shopping carts.

No, in Boston they call them shopping carriages. Carriage, yeah. Shopping carriages? See, I thought I would have something on you there. No, I know my shopping cart facts, bud. They call them shopping carriages here, but they're the same general design. You can't call something a carriage though, unless it's being drawn by a horse. Yes you can, Ricky. It's a carriage, it carries things. What by a horse. Yeah, you sure can, Ricky.

It's a carriage, it carries things. What about a baby carriage? Do you hook that to a fucking horse? Same thing, it's the wrong name. It should be called a baby stroller. But that's not what a carriage is. It's a crib on wheels. So if it's a carriage and a baby's in it, it still should be strapped to a horse, right? Fucking right it should, yes. And that's where the word carriage came from, back when things were only drawn by horses.

Horses can't draw. They can't hold a pencil. That was a good one, boss. Get it? Get it? Because of the horse. That was not good, man. That was not fun.

That was a fucking excellent joke. OK, I'm going to get you on this one, Ricky. OK, bring it on. A policeman will get into his what when he wants to go take a drive? What what do they call it? Pants. Cruiser. Oh for fuck's sakes. How do you know that? Is that right? Yeah, they call it cruiser here. Yeah, police cruiser. I've heard of that. Is that that fucking hard to believe they call a police cruiser? I think we call it a police car back at home. And Ricky's not that brave.

We say cruiser sometimes. Not really, man. Ended up in the back of the cruiser. I said that before. Yeah, Rick just ripped the door off that fucking police cruiser. Fuck, I'm probably going to jail. And I did. Yeah, I remember the night you did that, too.

That was fucked. It was, I mean, it was still, it was still believable. You know, I know you were looking and you were waiting for the transfer truck to come before you threw your door open. I mean, you still could have said, I didn't see the fucking truck. Yeah, fucked her good. Fucked her mean.

I don't know, I've got something that's really... I thought you were really, really prepared this week. I didn't prepare shit, man. Chipper was supposed to prepare stuff for us. Here, how prepared this week. I didn't prepare shit, man. Chipper was supposed to prepare stuff for us. I didn't even know we were doing a podcast. The U.S. Air Force's X-37B space plane... Yes? ...has passed 200 days in orbit.

I didn't even know the fucking thing was up there. Hold the fuck on. That wasn't launched until next year. No, it's up there. 200 days, it's been up there. A space plane? Is there anyone in it? No, it's unmanned, X-37B. Oh, that's been up there. A space plane? Is there anyone in it?

No, it's unmanned, X-37B. Oh, that's a big deal. U.S. military. And they won't say what it's doing up there, but you can guarantee it's doing something fine. It's probably fucking looking at us right now. What if that had something to do with all those crazy fucking lights that people were seeing in, like, California and stuff?

It was like a missile launch or some fucking thing? They look pretty crazy, man. It's like a missile launch or some fucking thing. I look pretty crazy, man. It's like a mini space shuttle. And it's up there, and they won't say what it's doing. Could somebody get in if they wanted to, or there's no room? No, it's fucking thinks about 30 feet. Uh-uh, I'm sure you could get in.

Well, you wouldn't want to be in it 200 days sitting in one seat. That's my new goal. I'm going to get a penis implant and fucking go up in the space plane for 200 days. I'd love for you to go up in a fucking aircraft for 200 days, Ricky. If I had enough good drugs, I'd fucking go to space. Why wouldn't you?

They'd never let you go into space, man. Ricky, if anybody's going to space, it's gonna be me. I'm the one who's trained to be an astronaut. But, Buzz, the problem is... I'm trained. I'm trained. You don't have... You're self-learned.

No, that's not even... You cannot. Your eyesight isn't good enough to go up into space, man. Well, I disagree, and I... What if there was a problem, and you guys were fucking bouncing around, your glasses broke and they fell on the ground, you couldn't find them? How are you going to get everybody the fuck out? I would use the force.

That force doesn't exist. It does when you're in space. It does not. If you believe in it. And what if, you know, the fucking, some kind of a special system that needed to get your back to Earth broke, and it was like tiny little screws

and you wouldn't even be able to see the fucking things, untwirl them and get out what you need to. You'd be fucked. That's your biggest worry, that I wouldn't be able to see some tiny screws? On a faceplate? I think I could handle it, my friend. I built a centrifuge before. You remember when I built the centrifuge

and spun myself almost to death? Yeah, you fucked it up pretty bad. Well, I pulled 12 Gs, 12 sustained Gs, and anybody that can do that can go to fucking space. There's no way you pulled 12 Gs. No, he pulled them when he passed out hard. What was it hooked up to, that lawnmower engine? It was, but I-

That was not putting you into a 12 G fucking rotation. Not the one with the little thing. He's talking about the big Mario around that he put the fucking- Oh, that big one. But I put the big 454 on. The heart of the Civic engine. That was a different story. I put a big 454 on it.

I'd say you may have reached 3 Gs. There's no way you fucking pulled 12 Gs on that thing. No, no, I had the Geometer on there. That thing was off, man. No, it said 12. If you were going 12 Gs, you would have been shitting yourself. I did. You did? Okay. Well, maybe you did pull 12 Gs. I pulled 12 G's you would have been shitting yourself. I did you did okay? Well, maybe you did pull 12 G's

I pulled 12 G's I didn't know you shit, I knew you puked, I didn't know you shit yourself I know we went up there and those those uh those jets those CF-18s. Yes We pulled I pulled seven and a half G's and that was a lot Yeah, I did too but you had a fucking G suit on. Oh, it was all zipped up Like it was totally unzipped by the time we landed Seven and a half Gs, man. There's no way you did 12 Gs.

Exploded itself right out of it, man. I fucking flew the Hornet too. So did I. I know, but I did the fucking air show routine. Hey, who? Flight Stunned on the simulator, who won? Me. I even beat the commander, so don't fucking...

Can't say anything against my abilities up in the sky in a jet. Well, I did the air show routine, which you didn't do. I did the full air show routine. No, you didn't. Bullshit, I did. How the fuck have we not been arrested yet? This is amazing. We were told we'd be arrested within four minutes. I think it's been longer than that, hasn't it?

Oh, is that Conan O'Brien? That's not Conan O'Brien. I think it is. He looks nothing like Conan. Conan! That's not him, man. Don't start shit with people, Buster. Conan! It was Conan.

No, and he looks like he would beat the fuck out of you, too, so... Okay. You look more like Conan the Destroyer, man, fucking 30 years later. All right, I thought it was Conan O'Brien. Boys, we gotta hit a bar here, man. I'm telling you. Let's go see Sam Malone and Woody. Fucking get a couple drinks, find some good smoke. You really think they exist?

Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. You mean go to Cheers? Fuck it. One in Rome. You think if we... You think Sam Malone and Woody are working at Cheers right now? Well, one of them should be. They're both gonna have a fucking day off. Normally they're for sure. Jesus, Rick.

When did that show go off the air? Like, fucking... 20 years ago? And you think they're still working there? Well, not to mention... They never did work there. They were actors. It was a TV show. It was in a studio. It was a TV show. It was in its studio. It's a real place. I know.

I asked. They said, no, no, yeah, it's here. Yeah, there is a bar here called Cheers, but it doesn't look like the bar in the TV show. And Sam doesn't work there. Where's he working now? He's a huge... He's Ted Danson, Ricky.

It's Ted Danson. He was just on Fargo. The new season, wasn't he? He was the police chief. Was he? Yeah, man. Yeah, I mean, he's, Danson, Ricky. It's Ted Danson. He was just on Fargo, the new season, wasn't he? He was the police chief? Was he? Yeah, man. Yeah, I mean, he's, you know, he's Ted Danson. He's on fucking Curb Your Enthusiasm.

He's not Sam Malone. Nah, I knew that. Boys. I knew it wasn't real. It's almost time. We're getting down there, right? Look, I've got no ice left in this fucking thing. It's starting to taste like juice.

I need a re-top, refill. I need to top this baby up. A re-top, refill. Are we gonna do a Christmas podcast, boys, next time? I think we should. I think we should do. We will do that when we get home. When we get home, I should...

We should have some guests. We should have lots of liquor. Definitely drugs, because we've been drugless the last couple, which is fucking lame. Yeah. Lots of snacks. All right. You've got that all the last couple, which is fucking lame. Yeah. Lots of snacks. All right.

You've got that all figured out? I look forward to it. As you said, Ricky, when in Rome, let's get drunk. So I'm going to go get drunk now. You guys can catch up to me. I'll be at Cheers. See you later, fuckers. How come he always leaves? I don't know.

Do you want to go get drunk? I'd get drunk. I'd rather smoke my fucking lungs out. Okay, well... I guess we could do both. Maybe you should smoke a little bit of the Christmas tree just to say you did it. Yeah, all right. All right. You gonna sign off?

No, you sign off. I think I signed off last time. Podcast number 20. No, it's not number 20, is it? I think, isn't it? Okay, number 20. Is in the can. Number 20.

Thanks for listening. Number 20. We'll see you next time. Number 20.