Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 20 - Ricky and His Swearing Parrots

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

Why is Julian eating horsecock burgers? What's the latest trend in wetsuit fashion? Why the f**k is NASA flying a toilet to the moon? And what are Ricky's plans for Talko's sweary British cousin? Find out the answers to these dumb-as-f**k questions and more, on Park After Dark!

. Fuck. . You gotta rearrange this living room, man. Go ahead. Because it's just not, it doesn't work with this TV. Try to play the fucking games sitting on this fucking thing. Well go fucking play at your own place.

No games here, man. Luckily that game's not annoying. Fucking hell, man. I... Julian. What? That's the same sound they used in the war. The Nazis used that for mind control, I'm sure. What are you talking about?

Do-de-do-de-do-de-do-de-do-de-do-de... What about this? I get it, bubs. Like... Getting baked and playing video games. I never realized how much fun it is. Well, we got to do the thing. But it's fucking fun. Come on, that big order of horse cocks you ordered came in.

Where the fuck did my Merklers go, boys? Your what? My Merklers. Oh, fuck. You only know all those horse cocks you ordered from Wilson's Farm. Boys. Steal my fucking Merklers, fuck. Julian, you know all those horse cocks you ordered from Wilson's firm? Oh, boys. Steal my fucking Merklers, man. You gotta do something about the smoking here, man.

Stop fucking smoking joints. You stop smoking joints. Julian, you know that big case of horse cocks you ordered from Wilson's firm? Oh, here are the fucking things, there. Big case of what? Horse cocks. Horse cocks? Oh, here are the fucking things there. Big case of what? Horse cock. Horse cock? Yeah, you know how you ordered 400 pounds of horse cock from Wilson's Farm?

They're in. You're not eating horse cock burgers again, are you? No, man. Fuck. You guys had a horse before. No, tell the people. You ate a horse steak. Tell the people what you've been doing.

Hey, hey, you ate horse steaks. Tell the people what you've been doing. Julian's been eating horse cock burgers because he thinks it gives him big muscles. He's trying to get his cock bigger. You know what, boys? You're fucked. 400 pounds of horse cock.

Do you think there is 400 pounds of... That's a good punk band name. 400 pounds of horse cock. Please welcome to the stage 400 pounds of horse cock. Please welcome to the stage, 400 pounds of horse cock. Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. Okay, I got your attention. No, not yet. What are you warming up your hands to massage one of us?

The fuck you doing, man? Whoa, no, your hands are freezing man Cobra Kai Mr. Miyagi remember he did that karate kick Cobra Kai oh I watched her now is it good or what I didn't know anything about it now I watched the whole series what's the what's the lowdown on the thing you don't know what Cobra Kai is I know what it is but what's happened to Miyagi? No, he's gone, right? No, Miyagi died.

He died years ago. It's Daniel LaRusso and Johnny, what's his fuck, the blonde dickweed. And they're like, is he Miyagi now? He's the karate kid? No, he runs a car dealership called LaRusso's Fine Imports or whatever. He sells Mercedes and whatnot. And Johnny's a drunk. Johnny Depth?

He's in it? Not Johnny Depth, Ricky. In his... What'd you call him? Johnny Depth. Johnny Depth. So the Karate Kid is a car dealer fucking guy? Yes.

And he gives out little bonsai trees to every customer. And he's still, you know, he's still who he is, but John, he's a drunk. He lives, one of them lives, they live close by. All right. So it's the actual guys? What the fuck is going on? What is happening? Where's that coming from? It comes from your pocket. It's my phone.

How is this happening? Did I say play fucking Johnny Cash in the thing? Oh, you know what? I bet that Siri thing is listening to you. How do you turn this off? Just say turn off. Hey, Siri. You know what? I bet that Siri thing is listening to you. How do you turn this off? Just say, turn off! Hey Siri! I'm in Mexico, I don't do do do do. Alright.

We're gonna get sued, do do do do. Johnny's gonna be right pissed. He's gonna say you fucking can't use my song on your show. I don't do, do, do. All right, so what are we gonna do about that? Nothing. Nothing. When it's an act of God.

That was my fault. You didn't see me fucking turn anything on. I believe it's an act of God. It's fine. Totally. It's not our fault. All right, I guess I can do this later. What are you coloring, Ricky?

It's just one of my pages in the Go Fuck Yourself, I'm Coloring book. Let's see it. What the fuck is... Go to hell, bitch. What is that? Go to hell, bitch. Ricky, how long have you been working on this? I just started. What are you kind of so... I don't understand. I was just trying to pick a page for...

You heard about... So it's the red the red is what you just did? Did you hear about that fucking huge cunt they found swimming around Nova Scotia. What? The who? What? That fucking large bitch. Nugumi, they named her. Which I don't know what that means. Ricky, what are you talking about? You know that you're talking about a shark, right? Yeah, that fucking big crazy bitch. She's like 17, over 17 feet long.

I thought you were talking about a lady. No, man, I wouldn't call a lady that. Well, you said, did you, that big... Jesus. It's a fucking massive great white shark, 3,541 pounds. Yes, down off the coast of Nova Scotia. 17 feet long. They tagged her.

Actually, there's a video we should put up right now. See how, that's fucking crazy. Imagine what that fucking thing would do to you. It would just, you'd be standing there and just go. Or. You'd be a hole. Or it would come up and hold you right there and shark fuck you. It's fucking head is almost as big as you, man.

It's a big fucking beast you wouldn't want to be in like a small fishing boat I think it's like 5,000 years old or something crazy it's big how old? 5,000 or there was a 5 in there anyway it's fucking big

50 years old Ricky no it's 5,000 hours then or something I thought it was 5,000 something who fucking the shark is 5,000 hours then or something. I thought it was 5,000 something. Who fucking... 5,000 hours. The shark is 5,000 years old. Come on, man. 5,000 hours, he said.

Oh, he gets his fucking oil changed in 5,000 hours. 50, is that an old shark or is that like a... Gets his fins changed out. Is that a young shark, old shark? 50? I think they can live pretty old, I think. They can. The average lifespan of a great white shark, 70

years. Really? Oldest shark, I believe, Greenland, caught this old cocksucker, 512 years old. Get the fuck out of here. 512 years old, the shark was. How could you live that long and not fuck up something and die?

I would never live to 500, swim around the ocean. You're going to fuck up at some point, or you just go up to get some air. A big fucking trawler runs you over. You would think, odds are, you're going to fuck up after 500 years. He's probably been hacked up a little bit, but he probably learned from it, right? But he's not. You've got to think, Ricky. There's not a lot that can happen to him.

You know, there's no, he doesn't have a natural predator, I don't believe. What about people? Well, yeah, he did good to avoid- Somehow that guy avoided shark fin soup. That girl. He did, they did good, whoever that shark was. That's what I mean, he could be 499,

then you go to the surface one time, and a harpoon goes right through your fucking back. So just wait, he's 500 years old, 512, so he was around 1500. That's fucking... He might have known, Christopher Columbus might have sailed right past him. Well, that's what I mean. Probably did. As a little guy. Survived the wars, survived torpedoes.

Find a Nemo size, and Columbus went by, and he watched him. What fucking finally get him in? Some Greenland fisherman, see? He fucked up. I bet you when Columbus went by, he saw him, and he thought, he's going to do something great, that fella. 500 years later, look at him. Look at him, he found a whole new world.

What a fella. Man, imagine if you were swimming in Lunenburg on the weekend, then you see that story come out. You'd be like, what in the fuck? Why would you be swimming in Lunenburg in the middle of October, Ricky? Fucking jelly. Well, the wetsuits. I might buy a wetsuit and start swimming in the winter.

Well, they got a lot of pubs right on the water. You go get drunk at a pub, hop in the fucking drink, right? Ricky, will you please get a wetsuit and start swimming in the winter? It's going to be tight fitting, dude. I might just wear it around the house. No, man. I'm going to put some flames on it. I'm going to change wetsuit fucking fashion forever.

Do they have those with fucking flames and shit on them? No, but they're going to. You can get flames put on them, no problem. I think Steven Seagal had one. I might go into the wetsuit business. Steven Seagal had a wetsuit with flames on it. I'm going to take the money we make from popcorn and invest in the wetsuit business.

What will we call them? I'm gonna take the money we make from popcorn and invest in the wetsuit business. What will we call them? Ocean flame suits. I like it. That's a good... Yeah? Ocean flame suits. Ocean flame suits. Doesn't really tell you what the product is,

but it sure gets your attention. No, the flame kind of means it looks cool and it keeps you hot. Maybe too hot, because it's a flame. You might start sweating in the ocean in October. Letting all the sharks know your location. And I bet sharks would be afraid if they saw it, because they're used use these plain little fucking lame black or gray wetsuits coming at them. They see something with flames and they're like, wow. Well, they think they're fucking your seal or something, right?

No, they're looking at it going, what the fuck is that? Whatever it is, I'm not touching it. Or they think, Steven Seagal, don't fuck with him. He's got a roundhouse kick that'll fucking knock your shark teeth right out. Where did Steven Seagal get into this equation? Yeah, man. He had a wetsuit with flames on it, didn't he? No, he didn't.

Or maybe that was Van Damme. Was it? I didn't know. One of them had a wetsuit with flames on it. I thought I came up with the flame idea. Fuck. Well, maybe you did, Rick. Maybe it was somebody

cooler than me because those guys are fucking cool. Who is? Those guys you were just talking about. Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Remember when Van Damme said he kicked Steven Seagal's arse he was on Jay Leno or Johnny Carson or one of those shows? How come they've never fought?

I think Steven Seagal would kick the fuck out of him. I don't know, man. I mean back then, maybe not now. I don't know. He said he was pretty confident that he could kick his ass, wasn't he? Well, I mean back then Van Dam was, you know, he was bouncing around and he would say, you know, he was bouncing around. He would say, oh, I'd, you know, I'd kick, sir, sir. And then Seagal was on a couple weeks later,

and they asked him, you know, who would win, and he just straight-faced said, I'd kill him. We should fucking talk to those guys. Get them, you can, all right, boys, here's the deal. You get to train for one year, and then it's a fucking all-out battle. $100 million. Who's putting up the money, Ricky?

Dana White. I haven't figured that part out. Why doesn't Dana White get a Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal fucking bloodsport type? That would be awesome. He could make $100 million on that. Yeah. Or he wouldn't make anything because nobody gives a fuck.

There's the other possibility. I think I'd pay 20 bucks to see it. Or even Mike Tyson against Seagal. 100 million divided by 20 is what? Mike Tyson would beat the fucking teeth out of Steven Seagal. Do you think Seagal would say that? He threw him on fucking Kimmel or something? Would you beat Tyson?

He'd go, yep. Kill him. That's a good point. Steven Seagal, he's like... He doesn't like to... He's not in good shape anymore. Yeah, but he just fucking uses the other opponent's energy and just throws him down. Doesn't get hit. I don't know.

Have you seen Mike Tyson training? That's what I'm saying. It'd be a good fight. I don't think it would be. No, no? That's what I'm saying, it'd be a good fight. I don't think it would be. No, no, no, I think he'd kick his ass. Steven Seagal versus Mike Tyson. Oh, Mike Tyson would, yeah. But there's people out there that would say, uh-uh.

No, but Steven Seagal might use some of his ninja moves and... I don't know, it's a tough one. He might take to the ground and pound. If Tyson came running at him with a flurry, what would Seagal do? I mean, he is- I don't know, man. That's what I'm saying. Maybe he could block it and fire him out of the ring.

I don't know. You ever work with titanium? Have you? What way, Ricky? What way, Ricky? What way? Do you think you could build a toilet out of titanium? Oh, you want to believe I could? $23 million if you can, bud.

NASA just launched a $23 million toilet made out of titanium into space. Yeah, they did. For some dry runs at the space station. Why are you going dry runs? They're not very dry, are they? They don't mean that, Ricky. Is that what the article said? Yeah, I mean...

No, when they said for a dry run, Ricky, they meant a test, not somebody's got the dry run. I thought maybe when you went to space it fucked all your shitter up or something. Well, it does. I mean, you can't take poop in zero gravity like a normal person. You got to have a sucker hose on your hole. Well, you got to stop talking. Right at me, you're talking this way, man. I can't handle your hole. You got to stop talking.

Right at me, you're talking this way. I can't handle your face. So they're testing it at the space station. Then the motherfucker's going to fly to the moon. Who is? Toilet. $23 million toilet, man. If it works good after the dry runs.

Trials, I guess. Better word. Maybe they could have put it in the article. So they're actually sending motherfuckers to the moon. They got a toilet ready and everything. I don't know why they can't just piss on the moon. What? Is there gravity on the moon? I don't know.

You know what? This whole, I like zoned out for this whole fucking conversation, man. I'm just getting bits and pieces of it. It's pissing on the moon, you did say, right? If you went to the desert, would you need a toilet? No. Freight. Why the fuck do they need to fly a $23 million toilet to the goddamn moon?

I don't think that's stage one of building the base on the moon. Stage one. Getting the toilet there. Oh, we can go now. The on the moon. Stage one. Getting the toilet there. Oh, we can go now. The toilet's there. Holy fuck. Okay, General, what's the first thing we need to do to land on the moon? We need a fucking toilet up there.

Yeah. My soldiers are not shitting on the moon or pissing on the moon. They're going to be pissing in a titanium toilet, or this program's not moving forward. I mean, you got five shitters, you're over $100 million. You're not very far. Five places to shit, that's it. How about a five-gallon bucket in a toilet seat?

Ten bucks. What's that on the moon? It doesn't work that way. No, Ricky, the titanium toilet for the space station is, it's a very high, it's not just because it's made out of titanium. It's got all kinds of technology and it, you know. So it is 1.3. Massive sucker.

Rooting valves and shit suckers and very, you know. A lot of high tech shit. Does it compost your shit, I wonder? Shoots it into space. From the moon? Fuck, man. That's cool. Does he think the space station's on the moon or something?

No, man. Is that what you're thinking? The toilet's going to the space station for dry run trials. Then it's going to the moon.'s on the moon or something? No, man. Is that what you're thinking? The toilet's going to the space station for dry run trials. Then it's going to the moon. Then to the moon. From there, it's going to make its way to the moon. I don't know how that happens. The toilet's going to make its way? Or somebody's going to take it there?

I don't know. Is it on its own? It might have jets or something for that cost. On the toilet. But is it traveling on its own, or is somebody bringing it around like the Stanley Cop? I just said it was going to the place for dry run trials, and then it was going to go to the moon.

Maybe it's a robot. It's going to fly to the moon. He's like a spaceship fucking toilet. That's what he's thinking. Maybe he's a robot. It could have wings with thrusters. Pop out from the side of the tank. And wings.

And on the bottom could be little jet thrusters. It could make its way there. It could be a robot toilet too, Ricky. For $23 million. I am Shitron 3000. Would you want something like talking to you

as you're, you know... Shitron 3000, I would. You want to have a conversation on the toilet with, with the toilet. How much would you pay to shit on a $23 million toilet? What would you say to the toilet when you're sitting on there

hey shit drawn how you doing today bud hungry thirsty oh man hey shit drawn how you doing? Ready for your breakfast? That's what I was trying to get to. What am I having today? Ooh, we've got a fine little... Bacon and eggs coming your way. Fine little assortment of leftover donair and french fries coming at you. This is going to be a nasty day. And a gallon of chocolate milk.

Hope you like spice. Yay. Wow. Wow. That was a tangent. Shitron. Yeah. All right, let's go to bed.

You know what? We could have that. There's a fucking, I looked it up last night and none of us could sleep. We could have this. You were explaining it to me. It's called something.

Oh, fuck. FFC or some fucking disease where you can't sleep. Oh. What is it called? T-H-E. F-F-I. Oh, yeah. What was it called?

Something? For your information. That's F-Y-I. Oh, yeah. F-F FYI. Oh, yeah. FFI. That's like something familial insomnia. And you've developed it's rare, but if you get this disorder, you can't sleep anymore.

You just don't go to sleep, and you stay awake forever, and then within about 18 months, you fucking go insane and die. Fuck. So you know what? Weird, man. I bet you if he had that disease, it wouldn't affect him. He would be up all fucking day, all night, and he would still function. More time to smoke dope. Yeah.

If anybody could do it, you could, man. Why can't they take a sleeping pill? You know what I mean? I don't know. I didn't read enough about it. It just said that you can't go to sleep anymore. You lose the ability to go to sleep, and you go insane and you die. I mean, surely the fuck if you pounded a fucking 40 of vodka,

you'd have a nap, wouldn't you? You put my chicken head on upside down, man. What? Upside down. Yeah, man. He's looking up at the sky. That's, I mean, it's not upside down. Or backwards right

Backwards right What does that mean Which way Okay do I Point the chicken's face at my stove There he is Hello little buddy Sorry about last week

That wasn't last week Ricky That was a week ago, I believe. It's been fucked over for a while. Speaking of birds... Were we? The chicken. It's a bird, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

The chicken would be a bird, yeah. I thought so. I thought you meant birds, like your bird kicked him in the bird. There's a wildlife park over in British. Or Britland. England. Britland. How many times have we been there?

Britland. Over in British. Britland. But there's so many words for that country. You know what I mean? It's either Canada or Canadian. There's England, Britain, British, Brit. It's hard to keep track of it all.

Anyway, wherever that place is, is a wildlife park. And they have these fucking African gray parrots. One of the cocksuckers liked to swear and he taught all the other ones to swear. Oh, I read that. Now they're swearing the cocks off. They have to remove them. They had to remove the five of them.

They're just filthy mouthed. He walked by and they're like, you fat fuck. Now they're swearing the cocks off. They have to remove them. They had to remove the five of them. They're just filthy mouthed. You walk by and they're like, you fat fuck. Suck me off, one of them was saying. Suck me off. Wouldn't that help business, though? I'd rather go see. Oh, remember Taco? Taco was fucking.

Can you use your powers that be and get a hold of these motherfuckers and see if I can have them? The swearing parrots? Yeah. The swear-its? I'm going to travel around the world, Ricky and the swearing parrots. I'll be doing stadiums. I'd go see that show. We could make that happen.

What would your show be, Ricky? I'd have it broken into sections. Section one, please welcome to the stage, Ricky and his swearing parrots. What happens? I'd walk out, place to go nuts, and then I'd uncage my parrots one at a time, and I'd have them named,

and as soon as the spotlight went on them, they could have their fucking two minutes to swear their heads off. Two minutes. It'd just be like a big debate almost among the parents. So the first ten minutes is just them doing two minutes each?

The best swear, we'd cage the other ones back up, the best swear that wins, every person in the audience gets to come up and get abused by them. You know, I would go see, I'd pay 50 bucks to see that show. And I'm sure a lot of people, we should get...

Fucking kids would love it. How do you get a hold of these fucking guys? They must have a phone. You need the number to punch in though, Ricky. That's the key. You know what, that sounds like a lot of work the more I think about it, so I'm just going to be their agent. Get somebody else to tour the world with them.

I'll just take them. Like who? Who's interested. You could let Jacob go out with them and just let them berate him. Too dumb and not fun to see and watch. Jean-Claude Van Damme. He's not gonna go on tour with a bunch of parrots.

He's got a good ring to it. Jean-Claude Van Damme and the Seren Parrots. Maybe he has a rock band. And another headline from that same country, whatever you'd like to call it. What's the difference between England and Britain? I need to know. Because I'm dumb.

And apparently all of us are. we'll figure that out for next week we'll just wait Great Britain oh Great Britain I know that has like Ireland and a bunch of Scotland isn't that something like that maybe Scotland I think or not Scotland or is that just the UK see see what I'm saying? We need a book. Scotland and England are both parts of Britain. Yes. The British Empire. And Wales.

Right. Right? So England is part of Britain? Or the British Empire? Is that what we're thinking? Yeah, England. Definitely. Anyway, somewhere else over there that's dangerous. Two people in the last two weeks were killed by herds of cows. Jesus.

That does a lot, though, doesn't it? Trampled or beaten? Or, like, eaten? No, just trampled. I don't think they got to eat. Still pretty bad. Cow wouldn't eat a person. I should walk down the street.

Cows don't fucking eat you. What? Oh, a cow will eat the fuck out of you if you're not careful. Cows only eat grass. Yeah, man. Oh, I'm thinking of pigs. I'm thinking of pigs.

Pigs will eat you faster than you can blink. That would, if you had a herd of cows followed by a herd of pigs, you'd be fucked. First you'd get trampled, then they'd slowly pick away at you. That would be a horrible fucking death. Right there. Getting eaten by a pig? Trampled by cows first

and then you're all fucked over. Trampled, you might die right away. Like if you get a huff right on the noodle, doink. What if you were just helpless after you got fucking trampled? That's what I mean. If you had a helmet on, that would be the worst. Because there's no chance you're getting, you know,

conked out or whatever. So you're going to feel all the huffs just going in you, right? Why does somebody poke me, man? Jesus. What the fuck's wrong with you? Those are my huffs. I know, I know, I know.

Just don't do that. Those are my hoofs. I know, I know, I know. Just don't do that. This is a fun little day, boys. So I saw this thing about the Irish Supreme Court said Subway bread is not bread. It's too sweet. Got too much sugar in it to be classed as bread.

But then it sent me down this wormhole. Fuck. Wormhole? Okay, what happened? It said that there's all kinds of weird shit that the company's used for fillers. Like Subway's using yoga mats or some shit. Yeah, Subway had an expander. Apparently all the companies were using it, but they were the only ones that got caught.

But there's this shit called pink slime. And it's not the fucking pink slime you think kids play with it's pretty fucked up it's this shit that it's made out of beef fat and all this other shit and like 70 of ground beef has pink slime in it i guess all these weird fucking all the processed meats have pink slime in them what What is it, like a preservative? No, it's, I don't know, it's just made out of animal fat and all this other shit. What do they put it in there for? They make it into little tubes.

It's a filler. When you're buying lean ground beef, it might be medium ground beef full of pink slime to reduce the fat content. Oh, pink slime. Don't be fucking with the meat. You know what I mean? Yeah, don't be fucking with his pristine hot dogs. Don't fuck up what's in his hot dogs. This stuff sounds like the shits and everything,

like salamis and fucking turkeys and everything. Pink slime. Well, that means you've been eating it for years, so who cares? It's still delicious. How can I be this old and never eat it? I wouldn't spread it on toast or anything, but if it's already in there...

Alright. Pink slime. Fucking weird. You know where else there's a lot of pink slime? Uh oh. Where? Say it. No. No. I'm gonna retract. Joke retraction.

Aw man. I thought it was gonna be a joke. No, it was gonna'm gonna retract. Joke retraction. Oh, man. I thought it was gonna be... No, it was gonna be not nice to Julian. Oh, it was to me. Why the fuck? I see it now. No, it's... Fuck you, man. Just whisper it in my little ear.

No, I've insulted his mother enough. Ooh. Ooh, okay, you just did then. What? Yeah. No, I would never. You know where else you'd find a lot of pink slime? My mom.

I would never. That's what you just fucking did. You just said it. Oh my God, Julian. What's wrong with you? Wow. It's weird to talk about your own mother like that. I need a nap.

I'm done. Fuck me nuts. Fuck. Fuck, I'd love to have a pee. Fuck me off. Remember Taco? Yeah, you'd see him. Fuck, he was a foul mofo. I guess that's why I want the parrots, because I feel so bad.

Then he got mulched. There'd be parrot shit everywhere in this fucking place, man, and you would never clean it up. Have you seen Coconut lately? No, man, no. He was never the same after Taco fucking got shredded. Well, no, he wanted to kill us for a long time, but I just wonder what ever happened to him. He's probably on a beach in the Bahamas.

You know what? He's probably somewhere planning his revenge. Great, Ricky. And by the way his parrot went out, it's not going to be a good way to die. Ricky, don't say that. For fuck's sake, I'm going to be paranoid. The coconut's after me. Don't worry, the coconut is not after us. I wonder which one of us is going to kill first.