Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 25 - Sweet Empowered Porno Balls

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

Bubbles interviews a special guest this week - Julian! But will his muscles talk? The Boys also talk like pirates, search for a job for Bubbles, and Ricky tries his hand (or is that cock?!) as an erotic scriptwriter!

Wow. It's fucking cool, man. Long neck bottles, they make those into shape to make it more comfortable just to fucking hang on to them. Because you're used to gripping your cock. Well, no, I mean, why would you say that? I'm just saying, this is nice, but that's why they made the... Welcome to Park After Dark. That's a good way to start.

With your host, Bubbles. And co-host, Ricky. No other people are involved. And the second host... I'd like to bring out our first guest today. Our first guest is Julian. Bubz, I'm one of the hosts of this one. You are a guest on the show today that I'm hosting.

All right. It's nice to be here, Bubz. Julian, tell us a bit about yourself. Where are you from? From Sunnyvale Trailer Park. I live right next door. And I've been here all my life. Okay. And what do you do for a living now? How would people know you? I am a businessman and hopefully soon I'll be retired. And so you were just talking about the fact that you like to grip bottles

because they're shaped like your cock. Tell us a bit more about that. I didn't say that. I'm just saying that that's why they made the bottles like that. It's just for, you know, it's a nice thing to do. Ricky, you're supposed to laugh at my job. Oh, sir, I'm just trying to find a new job, and I just saw that one of the jobs that you can get is a Bigfoot research director. No.

That's a job. That's actually a job that exists. I don't want that fucking job. You'd be good at it, man. I already know everything I need to know. And you've, what, how many times have you seen a Bigfoot? 17, probably. 17 times. Come on, man. It's up there.

Zamboni driver. That would be a good job. You don't need to be fucking driving a Zamboni. You'd hurt people. Christmas tree farmer. That's a good idea. So, Julian. Yes, Bubbles? Tell us, do you have anything to promote?

Like any movies coming out? Are you a rapper or anything like that? Why a rapper? Do I look like a fucking rapper? Well, I'm just trying to figure out why you're a guest on the fucking show. Hey, I would love to be on a big movie, an action-type movie one of these days. Yes, I'm available.

Oh, I notice you have extremely, extremely developed muscles. Here we go. Yeah, you're supposed to laugh like Ed McMahon used to. No, but right now I've got a few things on the go. Tell us about your muscles. Tell us which ones do you like to develop the most. This is not funny. They're big enough.

Maybe they can talk on their own. Muscles can't talk. Mmm, there's a t-shirt. Let's get on to another subject. Another t-shirt you need to have. Muscles can't talk. What about an ice cream flavor developer? See what the fuck you gotta do for that.

Ice cream flavor developer. Well, you might be good at that. What book is that, Ricky? Book of Jobs. Book of Jobs TV. Taste and evaluate lots and lots of ice cream. Lots. That sounds pretty easy. You get $25,000 or $35,000.

A year? Yep. Geez, I might apply for that job. Where's, who's hiring for that? Oh, fuck. You need a dairy science or food science degree? Well, there you go. You can lie, man. You can lie on your resume.

Just put down whatever you want. There's the catch. Fuck sakes. Hey, look at this, boys. Look at this. Somebody sent me. What is it? It's a little calendar.

And it's got all kinds of... What is it? O-M... O-M-G facts. What's that? It stands for oh my-G Facts. What's that mean? It stands for Oh My God. Facts. And look, it's got one fact for each day of the year.

So I thought, why don't we look at some of them on here and then it's, you know, we can discuss. It is September 20th. So today is September 20th. So if I go to September... September 20th... If I go to September... September 20th... What can't... what year is this? Oh, this is for 2020. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter, man.

Doesn't matter. September 20th. Let's see what the fact is for September 20th. What's a baby proofer? That's a job you wouldn't be able to do, Rick. Not even fucking close. What is it? You baby proof your fucking house for when you're... You got like little toddlers.

So then like fucking... No, not a good job for you, Ricky. Inspect the homes of new parents for po-ten-tial... Potential... Sources of harm to a child. And install safety devices that will prevent the child from being seriously injured. I could do that. Yeah, I mean, you'd be great at reading safety warnings, clearly. I'd do that. Yeah, I mean you'd be great at reading safety warnings, clearly. I'd get sued.

It says, ahoy landlubber, today be talk like a pirate day across the seven seas. Well that's decent. That's the fact? Yeah. What is it? The fuck? It's talk like a pirate day today. Okay.

Here. Hey matey. I'm a pirate. Arrgh. Swab the fucking decks. Yes. Get out in the plank. I got your VHS there Bubbles. Well.

Might like it. That's not really pirate talk boys. Well, at least I'm trying, man. Getting in the road of the boat. You sound like Kermit the fucking frog. That's not a pirate. Try a little. Do another voice.

Grr. Grr. Grr. Hey. Grr. Shiver me timbers. I like boat. What do you think that meant, shiver me timbers. I like both. What do you think that meant, shiver me timbers?

I could look it up, man. Make trees gold. Maybe we should turn this whole episode into a pirate fucking episode. Well, I think we should, obviously. Shiver. That's it, eh? For the facts. No, no, I'm going to take the whole week that just went by, because those are spent,

so I'll go backwards. Okay. A week. All right. Shiver me timbers. Where'd that come from? Just a sec, I'm getting to it. Here's,

do you want to make a guess, Ricky? What do you think when a pirate says, ah, shiver me timbers? I think it means like shake those fucking trees until they fall down and we can build a ship out of them. Hmm.

And then I guess it'd probably be shake me timbers. The timbers are the wooden support frames of a sailing ship, okay? Correct. This is what I was gonna say. It's something to do with hitting the wind or the high seas and the timbers. You lift it up and pound it down so that it would shiver.

Right? The timbers. Startling the sailors. So that's a bad fucking, you're in a bad storm, basically. Yeah, you're fucked if you're getting your tip. Perfect storm, like those motherfuckers. It could also have a porn connotation. Shiver me timber.

Like how? Well, you know, shiver it. Shiver me timber. Like how? Well, you know, shiver it. Shiver what? Me timber. You're... Me timber. Shiver me timber. Shiver me timber.

What's an atomic clock timekeeper? What? What? What the f... Why don't... You can't be the atomic clock timekeeper. You can't tell time on your fucking watch. Let's see what it says.

You gotta pick an easier job, man. Watching and maintaining atomic clocks, thereby controlling time as we know it. 30 to 40,000. No, you gotta find... Is there a place where you can just look at things that's like 75 and up? What's a doctorate in physics?

Something you don't have. You don't have a doctorate in physics. Fuck's sakes. Okay, boys, OMG fact from yesterday. Thursday, September 19th. Oh, shit. What? What do you got?

I pulled the wrong one. This is today's right here. So it's not fucking Pirate Day? No. Okay, so what day? Pirate Day tomorrow. Give it to us, man. The Beastie Boys album, Licensed to Ill,

was the first rap album to go to number one on the Billboard chart. Didn't know that. I didn't know that. I knew that. That is an OMG fact. These guys are fucking awesome, man. Yeah. License to Ill, what was your favorite song on License to Ill?

I liked all of them, bubs. Okay. Sounds like somebody that doesn't have a fucking clue about what any songs were on License to Ill. I liked the one where they dressed up as the cops. Man, they're rocking the shore, shot. That was a good one, man. Can't stand it. I know you planned it.

Yeah, man. That was fucking good. That was heavy. I like that fucking jam. Listen, all y'all, it's a sabotage. Sabotage, that was it. Yeah, I fucking love that song, man. Listen all y'all, it's a sabotage.

Restaurant critic. Fuck, I could do that. What's an army food technologist? Something you make food for the army? You gotta find something, you know, something simple. You didn't have to go to school for fucking 16 years. There's a good one for Randy. He's a professor at Hamburger University.

Yeah, he'd be good at that. He'd be Maramu Cheese. Remember that cocksucker? I do now. What happened to that guy? I think they just phased them all out because they were too creepy and weird. They were fucked. You know, giant fucking hamburger going up and talking to the kids and somebody in a burglar's suit stealing their cheeseburgers.

Wasn't Ronald McDonald a child molester or something? What? Maybe that was something else. Ronald McDonald? Ronald McDonald? Why is he doing that? He's just a fucking clown. He's just a creepy ass clown.'s like... He's just a creepy-ass clown.

Nobody gives a shit about him anymore. Okay, here's another fact from the week gone by. About one-third of SpongeBob SquarePants fans are adults. I could see that. What the fuck? You know what? It is a good show. When you're baked, it's a great show.

I'm a fan. What do you think of his square pants, Ricky? Be hard to make, but they look like they make a lot of sense. Hard to make. Why would you say that? Like, what do you mean? What do you mean they'd be hard to make? It's just square. Yeah, but...

They'd have to be the perfect size. Well, I'm... No, I'm... That's what matters. I'm more interested in the... They seem to to be the perfect size. They'd fall down. Well, I'm... No, I mean... Those are better. I'm more interested in the, they seem to make a lot of sense, comment.

What do you think makes sense about them, Reggie? I just think if you were squared, it'd be a lot easier. To have square pants? Like why? You could fit through things sideways a lot easier. I don't know. It would open up a lot of opportunities.

What kind of opportunities would that open up? Just a whole other... So you think... You think if you were square it would make a lot of sense to have square pants. Would you wear square pants? Well, if you had round pants

they'd fall down. If you have round pants. Or if they were smaller than your square, then you would get compressed in because you're a sponge. Then you'd have like a gut. So you'd have to have the perfectly fitted pants. Hence the square pants, right? That's right.

That's fucked. And SpongeBob brown pants doesn't really sound as good, in my opinion. No, I agree. That's why it's his. Well, sponges are usually square like that, aren't they? You can get all different flavors of sponges. I mean, not flavors.

What's the other word? Colored. No, shapes. Shapes? Colors? You can get different shaped sponges, or you can cut sponges into whatever shape you like. Using a sponge. SpongeBob triangle pants.

That would be good too. You can get a set of sponge cutting tools and sculpt whatever shape of sponge you like. There are 27 professors at McDonald's Center for Management Training, Hamburger University. So how do you get, what do you need to know? Hamburger University. They don't even teach you how to make a fucking hamburger there. No, they teach you how to run a McDonald's. Okay, this one, ooh, this is an interesting one.

Why are you... What is it? You're going backwards. You better be fucking good. I'm going backwards. Okay, all right, this makes sense. You know, I can't go forwards because, you know, we're not forward in time, but these ones just happen. I wish we could go forwards in time.

I'm just going to go back a week. I wish we could go back to, like, next summer because it being the fall right now, licks. Fuck, boys, this is it. Fucking hate this. I wish we could go back to like next summer, because it being the fall right now, licks. Fuck, boys, this is it. Fucking hate this. Wish we could go back to next summer. As long as I don't need a fucking degree for this,

I found my job. You're calling? Here we go. Plan, research, write romance novels. Additional activities include answering correspondence. Writing romance novels. Conducting business transactions, dialogue with agents or publishers okay rick okay here's

the scene i'm gonna set up a scene for you you're with the chick right this isn't the romance novel that you're gonna write yeah and you're gonna make out with her in the car so let's just you describe to me what you're gonna do in a romantic way did she started or do i well you gotta tell us i'm gonna tell us man Lay out the most romantic scene. You could be at a driving theater or whatever. Where would you set it? Where would it take place? And is there an armrest or is it a bench seat?

Whatever you want. Whatever you want, man. This is your romance novel. I think bench seat. Okay. Okay. This is good. You're on a bench seat in a car?

Yeah. Okay. Okay, just tell him. With some leftover Chinese food, I guess, maybe. All right, put us there, man. Describe what's going on. Ricky's eating the food and feeling good. And just when he thinks nothing's going to happen,

he's going to go home alone again. She reaches over, puts her hand on his thigh. Okay. And then what? And then what? Don't keep a cold, man. I'm there. I'm already there, man.

See? I'm in the car, fucking watching this movie. Then Ricky got a blistering erection Blistering I don't know I have to think about the words So it's more romantic I can do this though

No no no Keep it going Keep it going Ricky A blistering erection Describes that part very well Do you think You'd say erection or boner Erection is more romantic.

There was a sudden rush of blood to his penis. Okay. That's good. No, it's good, Ricky. Sounds really romantic. Romantic and scientific. What else happened? What did you do? Realizing that he had no protection

with him, Ricky tried to cool things down a little bit. What did he do, man? He ate another chicken ball. He tried to ignore the advance. Good, man. Okay. So?

And what happened next? Then what happened? I'm getting into this movie. This movie's great. Did she go for round two to try again? She moved her grip up his leg. All right, maybe I should find another job. No, I think you're acting quite good.

I can read this because I'm picturing Fabio in there already. Look who's picturing Fabio. You're not picturing, like, you know, I don't know, Charlize Theron or something. You're picturing Fabio. I'm picturing Fabio wanting to be in the book. Sean Penn or somebody like that, maybe. Oh, look who's picturing Fabio. I'm picturing Fabio wanting to be in the book. Sean Penn or somebody like that, maybe. Oh, look who's picturing Sean Penn.

I'm saying you'd be picturing Sean Penn. There's another one here called Erotic Screenwriter. Okay. Okay, well, yeah, you're good, man. Writes scripts heavy in nudity and sex. That's basically writing pornos. Oh fuck, you only get like four thousand to twelve, four thousand to twelve thousand per script, that's a lot.

You could bang out a script a day, couldn't you? You'd be writing pornos, Ricky, who watches more porno than you? So that scene that you were just describing in the romance novel, now rewrite that scene as a porno than you? So that scene that you were just describing in the romance novel, now rewrite that scene as a porno. Yeah. And watch how much easier it is. Can you give him like some little porno music?

Get to him to see what he can do. No, I want to hear the exact same scene. You're in the car, some leftover Chinese food. Then what happens? They can't control their hunger anymore. Even as they're still finishing their chicken balls, over Chinese food, then what happens? They can't control their hunger anymore. Even as they're still finishing their chicken balls, they start to kiss with chicken balls

going back and forth inside their mouths. Okay. All right. Yes. See? I've never seen that in anything. Are you naked at this point, or...? No, but that quickly happens. Okay, so now you're naked. Clothes are ripped off before the chicken balls are even finished. Where's the chicken ball at now, Ricky?

Is it getting passed into other places? It's just fucking falling out and it's just going everywhere. No one cares. Why aren't you chewing the chicken ball? Why are you just passing it around so much? It's more about the sauce. Okay. The sauce, okay. Spoon sour sauce is just everywhere.

It's getting licked off and brushed on and licked off again. Nine and a half, nine and a half week style. You guys remember that one licked off and brushed on and licked off like nine and a half nine and a half weeks style you guys remember that one yeah that was a good one is anything getting dipped in the dipped in the sauce in the big bucket of sweet sour sauce what would it be dipped in there your wiener oh fuck that's i never thought of trying something like that. Well, maybe I'm co-writing this with you. Okay. Awesome, boys. Okay, so all of a sudden,

his wiener goes in the sweet and sour sauce. Now what happens, Ricky? She's got to find a way to clean it off. How is she going to do that? I would think with her mouth. Hey? Yeah, I get it. Yeah. Okay. Porno.

All right, you know what? This book sucks. That was all right, man. All right. Here's an OMG. Are we done? Fact. No. Listen to this. Four is the only number that has the same amount of letters as its actual value. What about six?

Oh, no, it doesn't. Fuck. Well, there's got to be another one. I'm guessing there isn't. Two. T-O. No, it's T-W-O. T-W-O for the number.

Well, there is a 2-0, though. Yeah, but that's not the number two. Yeah, you're right. But who gives a fuck, really? What does it matter? Well, it's still kind of a neat fact. What about 14? That doesn't have 14 letters, Ricky.

It's got to be close. Eight. Six short. That's pretty cool. That's really cool, Buster. How did I never get to know that before? Six short. That's pretty cool. That's really cool. How did I never get to know that before? It's not something to throw around in school, is it? No, it's one of these little facts that you just pull out of your...

You could read this book. You'd probably be smarter than if you went to school for 12 years. It's not a book. It's a calendar. It's not a book, it's a calendar. The last execution by hanging in the U.S. was on January 25th, 1996. What? 1996. They hung a bastard in 96.

Where at? Was it televised? The last execution by hanging in the U.S. was January 25th, 96. Doesn't say where. No. Let's take a guess. I'm saying Texas or Florida. Yeah, I was going to say Florida.

Where would they hang a bastard in the 90s? Bangor, Maine. Really? No, man. I'm just kidding. I don't fucking know. Jesus, Murphy. Where was Clinton from? Who? Arkansas. Arkansas. Where was Clinton from? Who?

Arkansas. Where are those other crazy fucks? Now I can't say their name or I'll get in trouble. Never mind. Oh. You're not going to get in trouble, Ricky. Where the fuck was it? Where the fuck was what?

I thought you were looking at where he was hanging. No, no, no. I'm looking at something else here. This is really fucking crazy. There's a woman that's... that fucking paints with her boobs. Look. She's making tons of cash selling the fucking things.

Hmm. I can't see. It's pretty cool. Look. Bo-Bart. Wow. I'd buy one of those paintings. That's pretty good.

You should see if people would like, would buy a painting. Would you just Google where the fucking guy was hanged in the 90s? Fuck's sakes, Bob. Well fuck, man. A lot of people were wondering. Where was the last hanging in the United States? Like, legal hanging. There's probably other people have been hung. You know.

Okay, man. just a sec. January 25th, 1996. Okay, I got it, I got it. Last, okay, uh, last public, no, man. No, man, what? May, May 1st, 2001. What? So, OMG is wrong?

What happened in 2001? Okay, just a second here. Just a second. I'm fucking trying to figure... I get it. There's all kinds of shit you gotta go through, man. Shouldn't be. Okay. Should be one little thing.

Okay. Just Google it. Just put in January 25th, 1996 hanging. Okay, should be one little thing. Okay, just Google it. Just put in January 25th, 1996 hanging. Type that into your thing. Billy Bailey. I'm not asking who it was. Where the fuck was it? It was Billy Bailey, man.

January 25th, 1996. Where? Delaware, motherfucker. Delaware. Delaware. Wow. Isn't that where they signed the fucking, 1996. Where? Delaware, motherfucker! Delaware? Delaware. Wow. Isn't that where they sign the fucking,

what do they got down there, a constitution? Mm-hmm. Delaware. It's kind of weird. And he got to choose, either that or lethal injection. And he picked hanging. He said, fuck that, hang me, motherfuckers. I think I would've went with the chair.

I guess if he has a choice, whatever. What were the other choices? Lethal and Jack Jackson. I've heard that can go wrong. The chair can fuck you pretty bad. Well, if you watch the Green Mile, it can. Remember that? Yeah, that was fucked.

They didn't put the sponge in, the wet sponge. Yeah. And he burst into flames. Fuck, that would suck. That would suck. That happens though, doesn't it? That shit? That's in the movies, Julian.

Do a hanging, do a hanging, does it kill you quicker, Lee? Well, it snaps your neck like a twig. But is it dead then? I would think your brain would still be functioning though. For a little while, you'd be hanging there thinking, fuck. What is it, like 14 seconds? You're like looking around going, holy fuck. Holy fuck,

I'm dead. I am fucked. Really? 14 seconds after you did a little neck break? I don't know. What if you had a super strong neck? Let's say back when you used to cut your head off, that's what you'd be looking around going, hey, what the fuck? Does it break your neck or does it strain with you? Both. Both, man.

I don't think it breaks your neck every time because some people would... Well, it's supposed to. Some people would try to fucking help it out a bit. You flex your neck muscles and just fucking probably bend the rope. The rope bends. The fucking rope would blow apart. That's what a rope does, Ricky. It bends.

You just see a big puff of rope and then Julian lands on his feet. I'm free. That's a fuck. Okay, let's see. Okay, that was a good one, bubs. This is from Monday. What day was Monday? Okay, how about this, Ricky?

If you could point your car straight up, how long would it take you to drive to space? Depends how fast you went, but I'd say I'd do it in a few hours. Matt, what do you think, John? Yeah, maybe something like that. If you're going highway speed, say.

Half hour. Well, you'd be at your highway speed. It would be about a half hour. It would take you about an hour. It's about 100 kilometers. That's it? I thought it was more than that. I was just joking.

100 kilometers. That's all it is to space. Straight up. If you were driving straight up, you'd be in space in about an hour. How come it takes rockets so long? It doesn't, Ricky. It doesn't, man. Rockets in space in a couple of seconds, a couple of minutes. That's cool. All right, here. I got something for you, Ricky. It doesn't matter. Rocket's in space in a couple of seconds, a couple of minutes.

That's cool. All right, here, I got something for you, pops. Pops, they go like this, Ricky. They don't go. You know cans of pop or beer or shit? The little tab on it? It's got a hole in it? Yeah.

Do you know what that's for? Where? Which? What? On a can of pop or a beer or whatever. Yes. A little hole in the tab. But on the tab, there's a hole. Yeah. You know why? Yeah, you flip it around and put your straw

through. Ah, fuck me. What, you didn't know that? No, I didn't know that either. Something I don't give a fuck about. If you turn your fucking tab around, it holds your straw snugly in place. So you're not doing this trying to get it, you know. Flopping her around.

Alright. Okay, you got that one. I've known that since I was a little guy. That's a life changer. Okay, this one's from Saturday, Sunday of last week. Already happened. Dinosaurs became extinct before the Rockies or the Alps were even formed. I'm not buying it. What do you mean you're not buying it?

It's just nothing to buy, Ricky. It's another one of those fucking facts they throw down because nobody can argue whether it's true or false. No, they can prove it. They can prove it, man. They can curb and date. Whatever.

Plague tectonics and shit, right? Is that what you're talking about? Plague tectonics. They know... Yeah, man, I knew about that. They know how old the mountains are by digging into them and looking at them, and they know where the dinosaurs are in relations to layers of earth and millions, hundreds of millions of years, so they figured it out.

Bullshit they're telling you, so you keep sending money to pay them. Pay who? Look at all the stuff we're finding. Keep paying us. Who? It's all a bunch of horse shit. Who gets paid, Ricky? The dinosaur investigators.

Or whoever you're talking about. Archaeologists and shit. The daters. They know what they're doing, man. Oh, okay, bubs, why is there a hole at the end of the fucking pen cap? Put the pen in. You know when you got a pen on it,

there's a little hole at the top of it? Yeah. Why? Well, because if you didn't, when you went like that, there'd be a fucking vacuum created. You'd never get the fucking end back off. You are so fucking wrong, and you think you're smart about everything?

And it's the light little air in there. No, it is. It has nothing to do with... There'd be so much pressure buildup that would shoot off like a bullet and probably kill you. Eh, both wrong. It's designed that way

because a lot of people chew on pen caps and shit. Kids especially. It's in case you swallow it by mistake. There's an air flow. There wouldn't be enough fucking air to go through that tiny little pinhole to keep you alive. Yes, there is, man. No, there isn't. Well, that's what they fucking did.

I know a guy who choked on one of those little tiny cocktail straws. And that's got a bigger hole in that fucking pen cap. That's what it's for, man. No, it's not. It's to create so there's no vacuum to create. There's no fucking vacuum in a cut. No, come on. Did you ever put a garbage bag in the bottom of the thing and then you try to pull it out and it won't come out because of the fucking suction?

Vacuum, science, physics. But your mom did. Yeah. Don't get into it with me about your mom and her suck powers. All right. Okay, well this has been a... Weird one. It's been just one of...

Yeah. I don't know what to say about this. I'd like to thank our guest Julian for bringing his muscles on the show today. Yeah, a little funny. And my co-host Ricky for laughing at my jokes. It's a pleasure to be here. Mm-hmm. This was fun, Bob Snank. Let's go write co-host, Ricky, for laughing at my jokes. It's a pleasure to be here. This was fun, Bob Snank. Let's go write a sex novel, Ricky.

All right.