Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 26 - Vincent van GoPro

Episode Date: February 1, 2016

What's happening to Ricky? He's making 'abacastraca' art, talking French, and doing math! Also: Amazing facts about barcodes, termites, and dead birds, and why Bubbles hates Mr. Magoo! Episode 26 is brought to you by Jukasa vapor products!  

All right, boys, are we ready to do this fucking podcast or what? Yeah, go ahead. I'll get your painting. Yeah, don't fuck them on me, boys. Just making something for Moe's room. All right, what's going on, fuckers? It's the Turn Apart Boys podcast coming at you. This is episode number 26.

So you fucked up the last one. No, I said 25. I thought the last one was 26. I said it was a half a year. Last one was 25. This is now 26. Jesus, I'm not looking it up. Well, just get your shit together, man.

Ricky, are you going to join us, or what are you painting over there? Just making a little painting for Moe's room. We've been learning a lot about paint and artists and a lot of the kids' books. It's fucking cool, boys. It fucking gets your mind off shit like fucking smoking and stuff, which is good for me right now, trying to be healthy still in the new year. Well, you're still smoking that Jocasta thing, aren't you? Yeah.

This week, last week I only had 44 cigarettes, or only bought 44 cigarettes. This week I bought fucking, I bought two packs. I bought two packs and I still got fucking almost 30 smokes left. Sorry, no, I don't. I did. I've got about 15 smokes left. So it's better than last week anyway. So how many of these things are you fucking downing?

I go through one of those every... It's a Vapo refill thing for the Chikasa. Right there, take a look at that. I've been going through a few of those. All right. I've got a little Lazy Susan thing here. You know, so you can just zoom in on that a bit. That has everything, all the products you could smoke.

It's pretty cool. For fuck's sakes. All right. Okay, let's. For fuck's sakes. All right. Okay, let's get this podcast going, man. What the fuck are you doing? My fucking yellow and my orange are mixed together with my fucking green and blue. Fuck's sakes. So what do you think, Brent?

Anyway, sorry, guys. Just keep going. I'm just making a little thing here. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Looking at some stuff on the interweb. Teach you how to make early, easy paintings. Look at that, boys. This is like, they call this blending.

Blending? What is that now, Ricky? Is that the sign or what are you painting? It's, you know, abber, abbers, what's it called, you know? Abber? Abbers. Ember? Abber castrager... Ember? Abberkastrakker.

Abstract. Sure. Well, it's not really, Ricky. It looks kind of like the sun. You think so? Except it's surrounded by darkness, so maybe you're in space looking at it. Well, abberkastrakker, everybody looks at it and they see a different thing, right? Which is cool. That's why I like them. Oh, my fuck.

We're not going to sit here the whole time with you up there painting that stupid picture of the sun, man. Who's your favorite painter, Ricky? If he wants to paint, we can at least talk to him about, you know, the topic. This is all kind of new to me, but I know that Mo really likes Vincent... What's it? Van... I call him Vincent Van GoPro, but it's not Vincent Van GoPro, it's Vincent GoPro. It's not Vincent Gallo, I know Vincent Gallo was a, he was an actor. It's not Vincent Gallo, it's not Vincent GoPro, but it's close. The fucking one that had his penis snipped off and mailed to him or whatever it was.

What? Somebody cut his cock off, or he cut his own cut off his cock. It was the guy that cut his ear off. Named Vincent Van Gogh. Do you think that could be him? Yeah, that's him actually. Yeah, I fucked that up.

Vincent Van Gogh pro cut his cock off and mailed it to himself. Sorry, boys. Vincent Van Gopro cut his cock off and nailed it to himself. Okay, we're just gonna sit here and watch you paint, are we? No, fuck it. Let's get into it, guys. Who's your other... name another famous painter, Ricky? Uh... Who's the guy that painted the one that the, uh... It's got the little guy going on. The what guy?

They call it the L. Who painted the L? What the fuck is he talking about? He's talking about the screen. The screen. Yeah. I learned about that one in Little Einsteins. You guys ever watch that show?

What show? It's called Little Einsteins. It's for kids and you fucking... You learn a lot of shit on it, let me tell you. What the fuck would I be watching a kids show for? You'd fucking be surprised how much shit you learn off of it. Did you know about the fucking guy that painted a yellow or any of that shit? No? Guess how I learned it. Kids shows. They painted a yellow?

It's like going to school all over again. It's awesome. What else did you learn on Little Einsteins, Ricky? Uh... Learned a lot about music. Yeah, what musicians have they featured? Mozart. Yeah. Mozart was awesome. Williams from Howl...Overture.

The, uh... I can't remember now, guys, but I've been learning a lot. I've only watched a couple episodes, and look at me now. I'm fucking painting, and I'm alive. What do you got there for paint? What are you using? Well, it used to be yellow. That used to be orange.

Blue, brown, white, they mix together. Did you know when you mix colors together, they actually make other colors? Learned that in Little Einstein's, too. Yellow and blue. Green. I forget how you make blue, but I know it's red and something. I think. Or no, it's not.

I forget. Well, it could be. All right, I'll take a fucking break and we'll just get into this. What do you want to talk about? Sorry, guys, to fucking try to be cool and take up some new things in my fucking new year. I think you could keep painting. I'm just, you know. Oh, you got a little hat on.

I didn't see that. That's one thing I realized I was swearing on. You say, hey, boys, I want to fucking do some painting and I want to look like a painter and I'm not paying for anything. They bring your shit. It's great. This is all free. All that's free. So now that could be. They're not trying to make you look like a painter, and I'm not paying for anything. They bring you shit. It's great. This is all free. All of it's free.

So now that could be... Ricky, they're not trying to make you look like a painter. They're trying to make you look like a dick. Yeah, big time, and it's working. That doesn't even fit your head, man. It's like just resting on it. What painter would wear that? I thought that was what they did.

You're supposed to learn French, and you put one of these on, and then you can paint. That's fucking... Did you learn French? Laissez one of these on, and then you can paint. That's fucked up. Did you learn French? Laissez-Voila. Laissez-Voila. That means there it is, I think. Boys, we gotta, like, seriously, dude, we gotta get this podcast going.

It is going. Okay, I've got some news for you guys. We officially became a business, the three of us. What does that mean? It means we're gonna get paid soon, hopefully. I had to go into, you know, the Revenue Canada. I had to get a business, the three of us. What does that mean? It means we're gonna get paid soon, hopefully. I had to go in, do, you know, the Revenue Canada. I had to get a business number. It's under our name.

Actually, under your guys' names. It's Julian, Ricky, and Bubbles Incorporated. So we're all set up. We're gonna get paid soon. You said it was in our name, then you said it was just Julian, Ricky, and Bubbles Incorporated. Well, it's the three of our names in it,

but you guys have to sign some papers to take care of that later. I didn't, I couldn't sign it because I was a guy, you know, taking care of the rest of the shit. Sounds a little fucking... So there will be money coming in, but, you know, I told them we didn't want a lot of money coming in as a check because you've got to declare that to our new company. Fuck that. Sounds a little squirrely to me, bud.

So how's the rest of it coming in, in cash? It's going to come in in cash. And do we get to see the cash when it arrives? Well, the problem is the cash has to come from Toronto, so we either have to go there to get it, or we have to pay someone to go get it. This sounds like three squirrels all over again. So there is money coming in.

Yeah, I was like, what? Three fucking squirrels. What's that? Well, they all got knots, and one of the squirrels gets some of the nuts but doesn't do fuck all four. Two of the squirrels got to go out and fucking go through hell, almost get hit by cars and eaten by dogs,

getting all the nuts, while the other fucking squirrel that sits in the tree probably has a mixed drink in his fucking hand. And on that fucking squirrel, the one in the tree not doing anything? Just as many fucking nuts as the other two squirrels. Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know how much paperwork I had to fucking go through and all the phone calls, man? How many cars did you almost get hit by? as the other two squirrels. Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know how much paperwork I had to fucking go through

and all the phone calls, man? How many cars did you almost get hit by? How many dogs fucking almost ate you? Cats clawing at you. Well, that's just because you're dumb, man. If you have problems through the day, you know, of avoiding cars and shit and getting hit, then you got problems, man.

You're stupid. It's because you're stupid and I'm smart, that still doesn't mean I'm the squirrel up in the fucking tree. What in the flying fucking cocks are these things? What? These fucking things. Oh, I bought those, Ricky.

Jalapeno cheeses. No fucking way. Yeah. What a great idea. They're good, aren't they? I just tried, you know what they have now? They have a jalapeno fucking ketchup too. I had some of them at Pogo's.

I was gonna share it with you guys, but I burnt the fuck out of those. I forgot, it was paint and they got distraculated. What the fuck, who's using my calculator? It's, first of all, it's my fucking calculator. You gave that to me for my birthday when I was, I can't remember, didn't you? I did not, Ricky.

You just took that out of my shed last fucking week. I never gave you that for your birthday. Why would you want a calculator that fucking big? Because you can see everything on it. A little too much, don't you think? No, it's fantastic. It's great for seeing things. Numbers are nice and big. You don't gotta squint.

Yeah. The problem with little calculators is they're made for little people. That's a great character. You press a button, you press a three and you hit three, four, you know what I mean? This has lots of space between the buttons. See, this is fantastic. It's way too big, man.

Perfect size calculator. Yeah, for people that can't fucking see, like senior citizens or people, you know, that have glasses. Well, people that have really thick glasses might need that. I don't need the fucking thing. I'm just saying it's convenient.

And look. Look how easy that is to read now. See, you can write any word upside down on the calculator. Boobless. Yeah. You can't write any word. 55378008. Boobless.

You wouldn't be able to see that on a regular calculator. Everybody knows that fucking trick. Yeah, but you can't write... You said... Did you say you can write any word? Pretty much, yeah. All the numbers look like letters, if they're upside down. You can write any word on the fucking calculator.

You can't write every word on a fucking calculator. Oh, yeah? What's this? Write chicken, Ricky. Write chicken for me. Just a second. I was gonna do something else, but I couldn't remember how to do the H. Four. H would be four. Small case H. Oh, yeah, there we go. See, look at that.

Oh, I spelled it backwards. Fuckers. It's supposed to say hell. Yeah, which I mean right now. Yeah, but, Ricky, you can't write any word. No? What's this? Write chicken for me then. Oh, I see. You gotta do it backwards. That's the hard part about this.

So it'll be, uh, that one and this one. Nope. Fucked her up. Chicken, Ricky. There we go. Look at that. How? Cell. Cell. Yeah. Brilliant.

That's not a chicken, though, is it? Chicken's a little tougher. It's going to take me a while to figure that one out. You can't. You've got to go in the way. You can't. There's a different thing you go into where this, it's hard to explain, boys, but you can do it.

It can be done. What fucking number looks like a K? Huh? Well, there's ways of combining numbers. You're taking the fucking thing apart? No, it's like holding the minus while you're hitting the second number. Oh, that's bullshit, man. The numbers go whoop right on top of each other.

On a calculator. Pretty sure, boys. You're not, no. You can't do that on a calculator. It's basically a small computer. It can do fucking things. You can do it on a fucking computer. It's basically a small computer. It can do fucking things. You can do it on a fucking computer because there's a keyboard. That's just, that has numbers.

This came, no, there's a way to get into it. There is. Get into what? If I was fucking high enough right now, I'd get it to happen, trust me. So you know what the problem is? I hate fucking not being smoked. How come we're not smoking anything for this podcast? Good question.

Only thing that gets me through these fucking... Because I'm trying to be healthy and you guys fucking didn't bring anything to make me not being smoked. How come we're not smoking anything for this podcast? Good question. Only thing that gets me through these fuckers. Because I'm trying to be healthy, and you guys fucking didn't bring anything to make me not be healthy. Because you always have it, man. All right, next week, fuck it. We're going to take a break from the health, and we're getting fucked up big time.

Drunk, stoned, might even do some mushrooms. Perfect. I'm in. Maybe some Percocets. What? When did you start doing those? My dad used to do them. I've only tried them a couple times, but... Might be fun for this show. Percocets.

Ricky, don't start getting... Let him do some Percs if it's gonna, you know... I know, but don't start getting into pills, please. Just don't take them every day. Alright. Okay, are we done now? Is that it? No, we're not fucking done. Oh, okay.

Well, what should we do? Is there anything else fun to talk about? I got some fun facts. What's all this crazy shit? I got some fun facts to talk about. Alright. Listen to this one, Ricky. Dr. Seuss, you know Green Eggs and Ham? Sure do.

One of my favorite books. He wrote that to win a bet against his publisher. Bet him he couldn't write a book for 50 words or less. And Dr. Seuss said, fuck you, I can't. I bet you I fucking can. And then he wrote Green Eggs and Ham, one of the most famous books ever. Didn't you already talk about this? I think we talked about this maybe. You talked about this before. See, now you're using shit that you already used,

man. I did? Which is making this a super lame fucking podcast. We were super fucked up at the time, but I think you did talk about it. Oh my God. Because I was talking about how he was the guy that stared at all the rhyming stuff and how cool he was. Oh my god. Because I was talking about how he was the guy that stared at all the rhyme and stuff and how cool he was. Oh my god. Man, you got all kinds of shit here. I got some fucking facts here. I know, but am I that fucking baked?

You are the... No, you... That's the problem. We're not baked enough. Well, I'm baked. For fuck's sakes. There's no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. Do you guys know that?

There's a fucking fun fact. I knew that. Who gives a fuck? I don't know, I don't give a fuck. I got a watch. Do they take your watches off when you come into the place? That's a good point, Ricky. Big deal if there's no clocks.

You can just look at the time on your fucking clock, your watch, or your phone or whatever. Okay, guess what the first product was to ever have a barcode on it? Pizza. No. A barcode, the thing you scan. You know, when you go to the supermarket and scan it. I know what a fucking barcode is.

I didn't know what you were talking about. I'm talking to him, dumbass. I was thinking bars. The first product to ever have one? Yes. A barcode scanner. That was a good one, bud. Get it?

Because you couldn't even scan it. Because you wouldn't have the barcode scanner. First thing they ever invented was fire, so it's probably something to do with that. How'd you get to put a fucking barcode on fire, idiot? Matches. Oh my Jesus. It was Wrigley's gum. Why? It wasn't fire, it wasn't the scanner. I don't know. So Wrigley, it was his invention? Michael Wrigley? Michael Wrigley. It's the

Wrigley's gum company. I don't know who the fuck the guy's name, that's actually his name. Who's Michael Wrigley? Yeah, who the fuck is Michael? I'm pretty sure he's the guy that started Wrigley's gun. There's a guy in jail named Wrigley, and he said it was his great-grandfather. Michael. Well, he said he was named after him. His name was Michael.

I think he was the third. All right, here's the... So he invented the fucking bar-coder scanner device and put it on his own fucking gum. I bet he made more money off the bar-coder scanner than he did off the gum. Lucky little fuck. Rick, you're so fucked up.

Sorry, guys, go ahead with your next flex. Fuck. All right, okay, 2,500 left-handed people a year are killed for using products made for right-handed people. I believe it. That's a lot of fucking people. I need two of them. That's why I swapped. 2,500 left-handed people. That's a lot of fucking people. I need two of them. That's why I stopped- 2,500 left-handed people.

Left-handed people die a year. From using products made for right-handed people. Exactly. Like what kind of fucking products are we talking about? I believe it, boss. I stopped using my left hand because it is more dangerous. I had two fucking friends from jail that died using left-handed products.

And one was a fucking circular saw, the other one was a chainsaw. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. Chainsaws are left-handed. It's fucking dangerous with left-handed. I thought you were talking about products. You use it over here and there's no guard and shit, right? Chainsaw is totally meant for right-handed people. It's fucking, what do they call that? Prejudice.

That's... There should be left-handed chainsaws and stop the fucking chainsaw death. Well, there should be left-handed chainsaws. They probably do make left-handed chainsaws. Well, fucking chainsaw death. Well, there should be left-handed chainsaws. They probably do make left-handed chainsaws. Well, Marty McNutt would still be fucking alive today. Who's gonna... He's a fucking dickhead, man. You know who Marty is from jail.

I don't know Marty McNutt. Fucking chainsaw went right into his leg. When you said that, products, I thought you meant like, you know... Air products? Yeah, like forking a knife or something, you know. Oh, fuck, I can't work it. Oh, fuck! No, no, no, no. You're talking about someone with a chainsaw. No, I get it now. I was going to call bullshit.

I get it now. Dangerous... Yeah, I mean, all that shit's... Dangerous products. Unidextrin. Fork doesn't matter. You can use that in any fucking hand, right? It's still a fork. It's still a fork, Ricky, yes. You can use that with the left or the right hand.

Right. It's not even worth fucking throwing these out to you guys. No, it's fucking fantastic. I'm having a blast. I might even actually go back to painting. What else do you got there? Here's to you, Marty McNutt. Okay. What else you got there? Here's to you, Marty McNutt. Okay.

The fuck is Marty McNutt? Who cares about Marty McNutt? He's dead. He's a dick. Because he was left-handed. Well, he was a dick. That's why I'm not left-handed anymore. The world's termites outweigh the world's human population 10 to one.

So there's 10 times more termites in the world. I'm sure... That was fucking close. I almost drank that. That can't be true. That's what it's fucking telling me. So termites shit more than humans? No, it hasn't.

I didn't even mention the word fucking shit. There's 10 times the amount of fucking termites in the world than there are human beings. Is that true? I don't know, and I don't really give a fuck at this point. Who gives a fuck how many termites there are human beings. Is that true? I don't know, and I don't really give a fuck at this point. Who gives a fuck how many termites there are? Well, I give a fuck, because if there's ten times as many per weight as humans,

they could take over the world if they wanted to attack. If they could form a termite army, well, no, you could just gas the cocksuckers. Yeah, or step on them. Yeah. Drive over them. Do whatever. All right, here's another interesting fact.

A hedgehog, no, fuck the hedgehog. I like hedgehogs, man. They're fucking adorable. Okay, their herd beats it 300 times a fucking minute. Big fucking deal. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck, Rick? I know who gives a fuck.

People that put them up their ass. What? Hedgehogs and asses. No, people... Did you say hedgehog? Hedgehog. Hamster. Not a hamster.

Oh, a hedgehog. Okay, well... He might fit one up in an elephant's ass, but not a human's. I thought I heard a fucking phone ringing. Okay, here's another one. A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in one night. That's a fucking, that's big. Holy fuck, is that real?

That's real, man. 300 fucking feet down in the fire. That's fucking insane. I bet that's how that Mexican cocksucker escaped. Had a big fucking herd of moles. You don't want to be calling El Pablo a cocksucker. I meant it in a cool way. I do respect the guy.

He fucking built an empire. It's awesome. But that's what he had. He had a big fucking herd of fucking moles. I bet leading them by leashes and they're just tunneling them wherever the fuck he wants to go. Think about how fast that is. That's one mole.

Imagine if he had fucking 40 all strapped together like Santa has his reindeer. I shouldn't have even mentioned it, man. You think the guy had escaped, what was his name? Chapo. Chapo? I don't know, man. You think he had a herd of moles?

That's one theory, isn't it? It's your theory, which is totally fucked. A herd of moles on leashesashes eating their way out of jail. Okay, here's another good one. Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks. Well, uh... Isn't that something? I wouldn't fucking say so.

Tell that to fucking Kenny D'Entremont. Who's that? You know, Kenny D'Entremont. Who's that? You know, Kenny D'Entremont with the little rotten chiclet teeth. Yeah. Those teeth aren't as hard as rocks. I flicked them, went to flick them in the lip one time. Yeah.

Fucking teeth fucking shattered right out of his head. How many teeth did he not do? I knocked two out. Two out with a flick? With a flick? Well, they're black. It's just the little root in the center

and then a black brittle encasement around them and I just went up to, you know. He probably didn't even feel it then. He didn't. That's fucking gross, man. He didn't. He said, oh, you missed me. I was like, oh, I don't think so, Kenny.

There we go. Got a big fucking gap there now. Fucking Kenny Dodgermont. You got a big fucking gap there now. Fucking Kenny Dodgermont. All right, this one's full of shit. One in every four Americans has appeared on television. Full of fucking shit. You know what?

These facts are full of shit. One in four have appeared on television. What does that mean? That's a lot of people, man. That's, there's no fucking way. Well, maybe. Maybe in the backgrounds of shots and things. Yeah, there's, no, I don't, I don't, I don't buy it, man. How many people in the United States?

About 300 million? I don't fucking know. Yeah, that sounds right. 350 million, something like that? One in four. Four. You're talking, you're talking almost 100 million people have been on TV. That seems like a lot to me.

That seems fucked. But then they have other things, 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. That sounds right. How the fuck do they know that, though? Who's counting them? That's an easy calculation. How many?

What? How many did you say? 10,000 birds a year. That should be good. All right. Well, there's at least two a year in my trailer. Okay. I had at least 15 at my windows and die.

Times 57 trailers. That's 114 a year in Sunnyvale. So let's say there's... the equivalent of 100 trailer parks in Nova Scotia. 100. That's 200 birds a year. That's not right. No, that wouldn't be right, Greg.

Let's do that again. So 20,000 birds a year just in Nova Scotia. How many did you say? 10,000 birds a year die. In the world? In the world. That's not even fucking close. There's 200,000 or 20,000 in Nova Scotia alone, minimum.

That's fucked, whoever wrote that. Ricky, how did you just wake back up? How the fuck did you get to that number? Two birds a year per trailer. Okay, why is it two birds a year per trailer? At least two hit mine every fucking year, so I'm just assuming that mine's not some special trailer that says, hey, birds,

why don't you come fucking die on my window? No, but you're correct when you said I'm assuming. That's where the fucking airs come in. Yeah. This is just flying by the seat of my cock here. I mean, simple math tells me that's fucking way wrong. Okay, but say that... How many houses in the world?

More than 10,000. You're just telling me that not one bird hits a house once a year, minimum. Every house doesn't get hit with a fucking bird, Ricky. I bet it's 10,000. Every house that I've been in, dude, has been hit with a bird. I bet it's more than 10,000 homes in the world bet there's more than 10,000 homes in the world. There is more than 10,000 homes in the world. Of course there is.

What about glass houses? I bet it's fucking flocks of birds. Because you wouldn't even see one of those if you were a fucking bird. You'd be flying along. Fuck! Where did that fucking come from, right? And for your whole flirt of geese? Your mother's house has been hit by fucking thousands of birds.

What is that supposed to mean? Oh my fuck. Did you say a whole flurred of geese? Fuck, I don't know where flurred came from. I meant to say flock, a herd. A flurred of geese. See Buzz, I don't even know if I can go on with these things because, I mean, that didn't seem right.

Oh, fuck. That was really hard to do. Well, you just don't know how to pick the good ones. I thought there was much better shit here, man. Hey, Ricky, how many times do you think your heart beats in a day? Oh, here we go. This is easy. It's easy. 60 times a minute. Is that right?

How many minutes in a minute? Just keep going. 60 times a minute times 60 minutes in an hour is 3600 times... Ricky's quite good at math. He's guessing. I got it this far and I can't quite take it to the last stage. What's the last part you need? I forget where I was. So seconds to a minute to minutes to an hour. And then it would be hours to a day.

How many hours to a day? 12. No. And then you'd plus that by double that. Like the entire day, right? So times two. No. And then you'd plus that by double that. Like the entire day. Times two. God.

Eighty-six hundred and four hundred. Eighty-six thousand and four hundred. Is that close? A hundred thousand times a day. He was close. Unbelievably close. Right on. You're only off by like 14,000.

I'm fucking impressed, Becky. The only reason that's lower is because the average heartbeat isn't 60 beats a minute. I'm telling you right now, boys, reading these little kids' books and watching these kid shows, it's fucking amazing how much shit you learn from that shit. When I was a kid, we watched Bugs fucking Money. I learned how to blow shit up and how to run off a cliff and live from it. All right, so you're watching lots of children's shows with Mo now. Not just kid shows, smart fucking shows.

I think you should continue doing it, man. You should like, PVR the motherfuckers and watch them at night as well. I should what? Record them. Okay. Maybe I will. Record them, watch them at night, man. This is good for you.

Pretty hard to find fucking VCR tapes these days though, isn't it? That was impressive. Hey, we're gonna bring a new teleology and we're gonna fucking get rid of the old, so people that have all the fucking VCRs are fucked. Anyway... So, Ricky, your whole knowledge on how to blow things up came from Bugs Bunny? A lot of it, yeah. I love that show.

How was the other one, too? Mr. Magoo used to get fucked around pretty bad. Yeah, I didn't like Mr. Magoo much. He was fucking dumb was the problem. He felt bad for him. He was blind as a fucking bat. Yeah, that's his problem. Arsehole. Why you call him an arsehole?

You really didn't like him, did you? I fucking hated Mr. Magoo. Why? Because. I just hated him. Mr. Magoo. Why? Because. I just hate him. Just leave it alone. Did he kind of remind you of yourself? No, he didn't.

That's what it was, man. If you want to talk about it, we can fucking... We're not talking about that. Talk about it, man. People used to call me that at school. Mr. Magoo. Hey, Mr. Magoo. And I'd be like, hey, fuck you. All right.

I didn't know that. Mr. Magoo. I don't even look like Master Magoo. Well, he kind of has his chin, it's kind of like that. Which I'm not saying, I think it looks good, man. And he couldn't see. The sun is three times larger than the earth. Wow. Great.

What? The sun. It's what? Three times larger than the earth. Ricky, it's a fuck of a lot more than that. Oh. Yeah, I know it's a lot more than that. 330,000, 330 times larger. Wow.

That's a lot. That sounds about right. I can't even wrap my head around that. So, if this was the earth, Well, that sounds about right. I can't even wrap my head around that. So... If this was the Earth... Oh, fuck. 300? No, there's no... Fuck off! See, that's just facts. You just go, fuck off.

I could tell you some facts of, you know, space that would blow your mind, Ricky. Yeah, but just... I'm talking about county things. Space and all. County things, I'm talking about county things. Space and all, county things. I'll give you some time facts that'll blow your mind. People don't want to hear this shit, man.

Well, this is one I bet you a lot of people don't know. What? Do you know the difference between a million and a billion, Ricky? Yeah, zeros. No, but do you know how much more a million is, a billion is than a million? You want to know?

It would be 999,999,999 times bigger. Is that right? Don't ask me. That's actually probably pretty fucking close if you worked it out. He still doesn't understand. No, Ricky, I meant I was going to tell you. Okay, tell me. Oh, fuck, sorry little buddy.

If you were to count to a million, how long do you think it would take you? Well, let's just see. How would I figure that out on this machine? Well, Ricky, you wouldn't. Well, you could. You could say a number. How many numbers a second? One?

So. No, so I'm not saying you counting. I'm saying if you let the seconds roll off on a clock. So it's one number per second. Take your fucking, have to be, fuck, million. I counted to 2,000 one time. That number per second. Take your fucking... Have to be... Fuck. A million. I counted to 2,000 one time.

That took a while. I would say... Two and a half days. Not too far off. It's like 12, 13 days. Really, that long? Count to a million. Fuck, that's crazy.

Okay. Okay, now, if you were gonna let a billion seconds go by, how long do you think that would take? How much? A million. Millions 12 days so a billion. How many days? Buffs why the fuck are you? This is fascinating when people hear it for the first time. 120 days. Nope, that's wrong. That is wrong. Times... just one sec.

1,200 days. Boom! Ricky's in the fucking smart house. No, you're not, Ricky. A billion seconds? To let a billion seconds roll off? Takes 34 years. Shut your fucking, fucking mouth. 34 years. 12 days for a billion?

For a million seconds? 34 years. And guess how many a trillion seconds? Hold the fuck on here. Oh, my God. 34 years. 34 years for a billion seconds to roll by. Like, that's taking into account sleep and food and... Or that's even if you just counted.

Just let it roll. Oh, my God, that is so fucked. I would have did it by now, though. Well, I guess not. When did you start to learn to count? When you were seven? I'd be close. You didn't start learning to count till you were seven? Well, bigger numbers. I know how to count just fucking fine.

You wouldn't be able to count to a fucking 10,000. Let's have a competition right now. We won't do a billion. Let's do 5,000. I'm not gonna count to 5,000. I know how to count to 5,000. You're a pussy. Okay, you start. One.

Two. Ah, see, it took you a second. I'm not doing this with you, man. That's what I thought. This is fucking stupid. All right, I just proved the point. Ricky made you look dumb there, Julian. Oh, I'm going to sit here and count to 5,000 with Ricky.

How come you said you counted to 2,000 one time, Ricky? How come you did that? Because my fucking dad was pissed off, and we got in a big fight, and he was drunk. I maybe have stole his last drink of fucking rum, and he punched me, punched me back. He said, you go in that fucking room, you count to 2,000, don't come out until you're fucking done.

And it took me a long time. Wow. But how would he know that you did it, Ricky? Why wouldn't you just go in there for a bit and come out and say, all right, I did it? Fuck, Bobbs. See? You're fucking smart. Wow.

What the fuck is that thing in the fridge there? I should have thought. Look. Chikasa. That's what it is. Fuck, are you kidding me? All right, I just want to thank Chikasa for giving us all these nice smokable things. Where is my fucking thing? I need a cigarette battery.

Fuck, it turned out pretty good, boys. It's a picture of me smoking a joint in front of a giant fucking weed palm tree. That's beautiful, Rick. Thanks. Actually, you know what? That's not that bad. We should auction that off. We should auction that off. We're not fucking auctioning it off. It's going in Baby Moe's fucking room.

Just take a picture of it and throw that on the wall. I heard you guys were making fun of his room called the Motel Room. It's not a fucking motel room, it's his fucking baby room. Well, what's his name? Mo. What's his full name? Motel. Where does he sleep?

In his fucking room. The Motel Room. Motel Room. Take the fuck out. You shouldn't make fun of kids below fucking five or six. I don't know what time it is. Fuck up. You shouldn't make fun of kids below fucking five or six. But it's fair game to make fun of kids who are seven or eight? Well, you should start to make fun of them then, because then they gotta fucking get learnt on how to deal with it.

Or else they're gonna grow up to be a bunch of fucking pussies and they'll just cry when they're 12 and 13. Get all your crying done when you're seven. Fuck. Lucky you're seven. Fuck. Ricky, you got problems. Today's podcast is brought to you by... Ricky's Parenting Book.

That's a fucking good idea right there. Because parents are fucked these days. There's the name of the book, I'd say. Parents are fucked. Parents are fucked these days by Ricky. That's a fucking great idea, boys. All right, I gotta go now. Thank you, Jocasta, again.

Let's give this one more little spin. Where do you gotta go? Take care of some shit. Yeah? Stop that. Oh, for fuck's sakes. You gotta stop with the fucking chips, man. We don't need chips, Rick.

Get them off me. You should be fucking happy that I fucking asked these assholes for fucking snacks and shit. I didn't even pay for any of this stuff. I got you some fucking Pogos. I burnt them. I'm sorry for that. At least I'm bringing something to the table. All you're bringing is your stolen fucking computer that you said,

not swearing I gave you. We all know you stole it out of a car in Penn or Memorial Parking Lot. I was fuckin' with you. I did not fuckin' steal this. Ricky, would you shut the fuck up? And I saw the girl in the dry land car. She was in fuckin' high school. She probably needs that for school.

Oh, fuck off. I fuckin' took it. I didn't steal it. Go fuck yourself, Ricky. Fine. I'm